


MMFD Season 4

by Fanningon



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:58:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 588,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1755751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanningon/pseuds/Fanningon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the first episode of an 8 episode MMFD fanfic. </p><p>This is a continuation of my season 3 fanfic <br/>If you can, read it with the suggested music</p><p>cheers m'dears xo</p><p>ps - these chapters were originally posted separately in 2014/2015.  so i consolidated them into this in 2017 and deleted the others</p><p>pps YES i am going to finish this!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part 1 season 4

[‘Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want’ by The Smiths](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu4k5sTzxIw&feature=kp)

Finn stopped dead in his tracks as he came out of the bathroom.  His eyes rested on Rhys, his hands on Rae’s waist, saying something softly to her.  Finn lowered his face, ready to turn away and go over to Archie, Tom and Chloe, but he looked back up at them through his eyebrows, his mind working over the scene in front of him.  The vulnerable look on her face, Rhys’s constant, calming demeanour.  He envied that about Rhys; that he was always so calm, so capable of handling anything.  He watched as Rhys’s hand moved up Rae’s side and she turned to look in the mirror at where he touched her.  Finn felt his insides clench, but watched on, trying to keep his jealousy in check.  This was not something he could be jealous about. 

 

“D’you know Archer, I’d like a year… no, a month.”  She thought for a moment, “you know what, just a week, where there was nothing shit happening.  No Liam in a coma still.  No Izzy with fucking leukaemia.  No worrying if Saul’s gonna come back and kill me best mate.”

“No Finn and Rae argument.”  Archie replied to Chloe and eyed Finn as he stood at the door to the bathroom watching Rae and Rhys talking.  Chloe looked over at Finn.

“Oh fuck, d’you think he’s jealous of Rhys?”  She tutted and shook her head. 

“Might be.  If it’s not bad enough that they fight so much, she has to go and become some sort of pheromone making factory to every straight guy in the world.”  Archie smiled tightly.  “I’ll be hearing him whinge about this all fucking night on the phone if this keeps up.”  Chloe looked at Archie from the corner of her eye and looked away.  She hadn’t told the gang yet that Rhys and her had started to see each other.  It wasn’t anything official, or serious even, just a meal here, a drink there.  He hadn’t even tried to kiss her yet, but it was obvious he wanted to; he was just taking her lead and enjoying the delicious build up.  At least that’s what she hoped was going on, and either way she was enjoying the lack of pressure.  But she had made it very clear to him that they were not together and she was still seeing other people and he had accepted that with a silent nod of the head.  Sometimes she didn’t know what to make of him.  Did his silent acceptance mean that this was nothing important to him?  Or did it indicate that he respected her wishes and would not argue with her?  But what she did know was that she enjoyed the small private moments she shared with him, the parts of him she got to see that he rarely showed in his workplace.  Tom looked on and shrugged. 

“Body language is all wrong.”  Tom said, “Rhys isn’t that into Rae.”  Chloe supressed a smile.  Tom had a knack for this kind of thing.  “There’s a little bit of interest there, make no mistake about it.  I suspect if she were single he’d be more keen.”  Tom continued, “But she’s not, so mostly, he’s not into her.”

“Yeah but look at Finn, I think he’s jealous.”  Archie answered and all three of them turned their eyes to Fin; his body clenched, an intense and focused glare on his face. 

“Boy needs to calm down.”  Tom noted.  “But that’s not all jealousy.”  Tom said, “I’d say it’s 90% worry.”  Tom took in Finn’s body language.  “They fight again?”

“Yep.”  Archie said with a grim smile. 

“He’s probably worried about whatever they argued about then.”  Chloe shrugged and then sighed.  “Is it always this hard?”  She asked sadly, “is this what being an adult’s like?”

“Pretty much.”  Tom answered with a sympathetic smile. 

“So it’s always this constant? Like, something’s happening, or someone does something stupid or someone’s in trauma cos o’ something in their past…”

“Yep.”  Tom answered, “All of that and crushing boredom.”  He grinned, “And wondering if you’re doing the right thing.  And worrying about useless shit.  And my favourite; paying bills.”

“Well that’s depressing.”  Archie told him and Tom shook his head.

“My mother and father had a car accident before I was born.  My dad rear ended someone, it was bad.  My mum had to be cut from the car after hours of being trapped.  She nearly died.”  Tom took a sip of water from his drink bottle and continued, “to this day she still shrinks back into her seat a little whenever dad tailgates.”  He looked down, “when I was little I used to think that trauma was never-ending and all-encompassing because of that little backward shrink.  And to a certain degree that’s true.  There’s always something happening to someone… always something, you know?  And there are some things you never get over.  But my mum still loves going on long country drives with my dad.”  Tom said with a grin.  “You learn to cope.”  He looked at Chloe, “You learn to get joy from life.”  His eyes flicked to Archie, “You find love… and sometimes that’s love of a person, sometimes a thing, or a place… but when you find it, everything’s worth it.”  He shrugged, “you just learn to cope in whatever way seems best to you.”  Archie wanted to kiss him, but knew that this was his place of work, so controlled himself and beamed happily at him instead. 

 

“And here.”  Rhys said as his hand finished moving down to her hips.  “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just nice looking like I lost weight.”  Rae looked at her reflection again and pulled her shirt tighter around her stomach to look at the changes in her body. 

“But you have not lost weight.  These areas have just become more toned.”  He turned her around, his hands using her hips as leverage.  “Why would you think it is nice to lose weight?” Rhys lowered his hands, his eyes betraying concern. 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“The body only naturally loses weight under two circumstances.”  Rhys answered, “One, you are sick.  Or two you are starving.”  He looked hard at her, “Why would you think either of these are good?”

“Or option three, you’re doing an amazing training program.”  Rae countered trying to grin.

“But you have not lost weight.”  He reminded her.  “Your body has toned up slightly.  You have lost a small amount of fat tissue and gained some muscle tissue in return.  But your weight has remained constant, as has your overall body shape.”  He looked at her reflection in the mirror.  “This is always my intent when training.  I will not push your body into what are essentially death scenarios.”  Rae gave him a confused look.

“Losing weight is not a death scenario.  Staying fat is.”  Rhys narrowed his eyes slightly and looked down at her from his commanding height of 6 foot 5 inches. 

“I’m sure those who treat anorexics would disagree with you.”  Rhys answered imperiously.  Rae felt a stab at her heart as her mind went to Tix. 

“But I’m not anorexic.”  She answered defensively.  “I’ve had an anorexic friend, trust me I know about this.”

“How many calories in an egg?”  Rhys asked her unexpectedly, dismissing her defensiveness. 

“What size?”  Rae shot back.

“Sixty grams.” 

“335 kilojoules.”  Rae answered without hesitation.

“And an apple?”  He asked her, “120 grams.”  He answered before she asked.

“Um…”  She searched her memory, “250 kilojoules.”  She answered confidently.

“And which is healthier?”

“The apple of course.” 

“That’s not correct.”  Rhys said softly, “They are equally healthy.  And after a workout, I’d prefer for you to eat an egg than an apple.”  He said pointedly, “Protein is important for your body to maintain your muscles.”  He held up a hand as she started to respond, “You replied apple simply because it has less calories.”

“No I didn’t.”  Rae answered getting annoyed at Rhys.

“And how would your anorexic friend have answered?”  Rhys licked his lips and watched her responses carefully, “if they were forced to eat one, which would they choose?”  He watched Rae’s face grow uncomfortable, knowing that the answer was apple.  “And do they know all the calorie counts of just about everything too?”

“She did.”  Rae admitted.

“So she died?”  Rae nodded slowly, “There are two ways the body loses weight.”  He reminded her sternly and watched her lower her eyes.  “What I find the most disturbing is that we as a society do not acknowledge this fact.”  He turned her back around to look in the mirror.  “So instead of simply accepting that people come in all shapes and sizes we encourage people to think like anorexics, to starve themselves to fit into a body that is not natural to them.”  He looked at her body in the mirror, “So you want to look like a model because we hold them up as ideal.”  He shook his head slowly, “But not everyone looks that way, nor is it the ideal picture of health.  Many of those girls are underweight to what is natural to them.”  He saw her confused look, “some people are naturally thin, but some people work hard to be that thin.  That is not good or natural for your body.”  He took a deep breath, “Now there is a multi-billion dollar industry set up to tell you that you can be something that you are not naturally meant to be.”  He looked at Dean, one of the other trainers in the place; he was working with a very thin woman and Rhys drew Rae’s attention to them, “And there are certainly trainers here that will teach you to not feed your body the fuel it needs to sustain itself, and to overwork its muscles until it cannibalises itself in a desperate struggle to survive.”  They watched Dean and the thin woman as Rhys spoke, “but I am not one of those trainers.”  He looked back at her face sternly, “and you should not be one of those clients.  You must be kinder to yourself.”

_Again those words._

_Kester always tells me I need to be kinder to myself.  But I have been!_

“It is a cruelty to yourself to not eat what your body desires and needs to sustain itself.  You must give your body the fuel it requires Rae.”  Rhys said, “Or I will no longer train you.” 

“You can’t.  Elsa said-”

“Elsa would not want me to train you if she knew what you are doing.”  Rae looked away.

“I’m not starving myself.”  She looked back at Rhys’s unimpressed face, “I’ve done worse than this!”  She said as if it excused the way she had been curtailing her food these past two weeks. 

“I train people to be powerful, to be strong in their bodies and to be healthy.”  Rhys answered.  “I do not train people to become weak, to falter and to be unhealthy.”  Rae felt like she had let Rhys down.  She hated feeling like she’d let people down.

“I just wanna be smaller.  Healthier.”  She tried to add to get him onside.

“Those are two different things Rachel.”  He watched her furrow her brow and nodded back to the woman with Dean, “You’re healthier than she is.”

“Not a chance.”  Rae looked at the way her tiny frame moved as she boxed.

“You can run further, you can hit harder, even taking differences of weight into account.  You have better muscle tone and your hair is not falling out because you refuse to eat anything with fat of any kind in it.”  Rae looked at her again.  “She needs to be at least 15 kilos heavier to be her natural size.”  Rhys looked at Rae with an urgency in his face that made her pay heed.  “You are naturally bigger Rae.  Just as I am naturally tall.  You can definitely fight your genetics and make yourself take up less space in this world; make yourself something other than you are.  Or you can be what you are meant to be, and work with what you’ve got.  You can be healthy or unhealthy.  You are quite healthy now, except for your current eating habits.”  Rae lowered her eyes.

“I…” She paused, not sure what she was about to say, “I can’t stand the idea that I might never be thin.”  She admitted painfully. 

“I always wanted to be a short cute man.”  Rhys answered and Rae gave him an incredulous look.  “No really.  Instead I’m a tall guy with a stern face.”  He shrugged, “Some things are not meant to be.”  He put his hands on her shoulders comfortingly, “I will work on your health, on your strength and power, and we can work on flexibility or stamina, anything like that.  But I will not work on deliberately changing your body into something it just isn’t.”  He gave her a small smile and added, “Your body will change with all the training we’re doing, you’ve seen that already.  But let it change naturally Rae, into what it’s meant to be when you’re at peak health, rather than starve it into what society tells you it should be.”  He put his hands on her waist.  Rhys was always touching people.  He once touched Finn’s arse to point out the change in muscle tone since they’d been working on his core strength so much.  It was just Rhys’s way.  “As I said, you’ve toned here, his hands ran along her sides, “and here.”  He lifted her arms, “And here.”  He looked at her firmly, “and this was all done while you were eating the amount of food you need.”  Rae nodded slowly.  “I know a little something about society judging you based solely on the way you look Rae.”  He said honestly and Rae had to smile.  A 6 foot 5 inch, 130 kilos of solid muscle, black man with tattoos and a bright blue goatee, who always wore nail polish and occasionally dresses… yes she supposed he did know what that was like.  “Don’t let them win.”  He said fiercely, “don’t let them kill who you are.”  Rae felt an upsurge of affection for Rhys.

“Thanks Rhys.”  She lowered her eyes, “I don’t know why I did this again.”

“Because there’s always wolves at the door Rae.  Always.”  Rhys answered, “And old worries and habits don’t die just because we want them too.”  Rae nodded, understanding exactly what he meant.  “The next time you feel like restricting your food, you come talk to me instead.”  He said authoritatively.

“Alright.”

“And let Finn feed you when you get home.  That lad worries about you more than racist folk worry about me.”  Rae had to laugh, it was a sad laugh; it was rare for Rhys to make any sort of a joke, but when he did, they were always barbed like this. 

“He asked you to talk to me.”  She said knowingly.

“Of course he did.”

“We had a right proper row about this.”  Rae shook her head, “oh I were a bitch to him.”  She fretted.

“He doesn’t see it that way.”  Rhys soothed, “Of course.”  He added with a wry grin.  “I don’t usually comment on people’s relationships, but that boy’s got it bad for you.”  They shared a grin.  “Go talk to him… sort it out.”  Rhys ordered, and as always, Rae obeyed.  Rhys was not a person to disobey. 

 

Finn watched her walking across the gym, as soon as she saw him she headed straight to him.  He felt his stomach clench, worried that he’d overstepped his mark by asking Rhys to talk to her, worried that it hadn’t worked, worried that she was still angry with him.  He hated spending last night apart.  He’d hated the way she hadn’t looked at him during their training session this morning.  He’d already previously mentioned to Rhys that Rae had body image issues and a complicated relationship with food, when he’d first started training her, just as a precaution.  So in desperation he’d asked Rhys, in hushed tones, while Rae and Chloe sparred, if he could talk to Rae about the way she had been skipping lunch for the past 2 weeks.  He hadn’t expected Rhys to say yes; Rhys tended to keep out of people’s private lives.  He had been nervously elated that Rhys had agreed to do it.  He hadn’t expected the opportunity to come up so quickly, but Chloe had wanted to try dealing with two attackers, and Tom and Archie had agreed to help.  So he had excused himself to go to the bathroom, giving Rhys a meaningful look as he left. 

Now he was watching her walk towards him.

“You got Rhys to take me on?”  She asked as soon as she was close enough to talk to him, “Rhys?  Talk about sending in the big guns!”  She shook her head, “why the fuck would you get Rhys to talk to me?”  The tone in her voice made Finn grit his teeth.

“Guess I’m not man enough to deal with your worries.”  He shot at her.  And instantly hated himself for getting defensive.

“You could have just said you did it cos you worry about me.”  Rae threw him a bone, “that might have been a nice thing to say.  Might have ended our argument quicker.”  She stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for him to answer her.

“I thought that were obvious.”  He answered honestly.  “I try not to say the obvious.”

“Well obviously,” Rae said with a tight sardonic smile.  “Sometimes I need to hear the obvious.”  She waited for him to say something.  Finn hesitated.  He wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear, but he worried that he was becoming too obvious for her, too easy to read. 

“I worry about you.”  He said reluctantly, “And I know Rhys got a way with words that I don’t.”  He looked down, “I’m not sorry but.  And I won’t say I am to stop the argument.  Cos I won’t lie to you like that.”  He looked up at her, “I won’t ever be sorry.”

“You think that all you did was try to save me from myself.”  Rae felt annoyed at the way he was handling this, and she refused to simply give in for the sake of ending an argument; he needed to see this, “But what you really did was betray my confidence.”  She shook her head, “I don’t want everyone knowing that I…”  She stopped short.  “That I struggle sometimes.”

“Everyone struggles Rae.”

“Aye, but there’s always wolves at the door.”  She shot back, “and you can’t let ‘em see you bleed Finn.”

“Alright.”  Finn conceded, “But Rhys ain’t a wolf.  I knew I could trust him.”

“Trust him with my privacy!  That were my decision to make, not yours!”  Finn watched the reddening of her cheeks as that temper of hers rose.  A temper he quite enjoyed when it wasn’t directed at him.  He often felt paralysed when she was angry at him like this, and desperate not to lose her, he’d scramble for the right answer; to say whatever she needed to hear to sooth her.  But not this time. 

“Look are you gonna eat right or not?”

“Yes.  Ok?”  She spat angrily. 

“Then I’m not sorry.  Even if I did do the wrong thing.”

“If?”  Her mouth pulled in a tight line as she glared at him.

“Fine, I was wrong to betray your privacy.  But I’m not sorry.”  He answered honestly, “I will never be sorry Rae, for doing whatever it takes to keep you safe.  You better get used to that girl.”  She paused, bewildered as to how he couldn’t understand. 

“Knowing that I can trust you with my privacy IS my safety Finn.”  She saw a thunderstruck look come across Finn’s face and gave him an unimpressed look, “How can you not realise that?”

“I just thought…” He started to scramble again, “I got Kester to help us…” He reasoned, “I thought a professional would help again.”  Rae understood his reasoning. 

“Alright.”  She said, still angry.  She looked away from him, not knowing how to move forward.

“I mean what else do you expect me to do?”  He suddenly felt very insecure about how this argument was going.  “You stop eating properly and you block me out when I try to talk to you about it.”  He stepped closer to her, “What am I supposed to do?”  He looked around the boxing joint as if it would provide an answer, “last time this happened, you trusted me enough to listen to me when I told you to eat.  This time you wouldn’t even listen to me.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you!”  She hissed angrily.

“No you just think I’m wrong.”  He glared at her, “what cos I’m not as smart as you, I can’t be right about this?”

“Finn I’ve already told you that you’re smart!”  She said exasperated.

“Yeah and I’ve already told you that I like your body and you need to eat and yet here we are.”  They both stopped, realising simultaneously that this was still the same old fears.  “You know Janice told me that the first argument you have in a relationship is the one you’ll keep repeating for the rest of it.”  Finn said sadly.  They both reflected; Rae missing Janice with an ache that was physically painful. 

“This is still the same argument.”  Rae agreed.

“Same fear.”

“I don’t know how to stop it Finn.”  He took in her sad face, it was obvious how desperate she was to end this argument and he shared that desire. 

“A long time ago, in a bedroom in the town of Stamford, you once told me that I had to let go of a certain letter, do you remember?”  Rae smiled at the way he always remembered their shared past in such detail, she thought back to the disabled toilet; their first argument.  Rae terrified she was too fat, that she wasn’t good enough for him, and Finn not knowing how to handle it or what she had even meant; a growing fear that he wasn’t enough for her in the back of his mind. 

“Aye.”  She said softly, tears threatening to come, “I remember.”

“And I asked you, how it was that I could possibly do that?”  Rae nodded.

“Practice.”  She answered. 

“Practice.”  He repeated and took her into his arms.  She melted into his embrace, both of them feeling a deep relief that the argument was over.

“I’m sorry that I betrayed your privacy.”  Finn said, “But I didn’t know what else to do, and I’m not sorry with the outcome.”

“I’m sorry that this happened again.  That I didn’t let you in.  I just knew that if I listened to you I’d have to stop.  And I wanna be skinny Finn.”  She said with a heartbreaking tone, “I want it so bad.”  He held her in his arms tightly, not having one clue what to say to that, “So much bad stuff in me life happens cos I’m fat.  If I were skinny none of it would o’ happened…”

“But you wouldn’t be you.”  Finn answered firmly.

“But you’d still love me.  You like all body types.”  Rae answered in denial, “and no one would call you a chubby chaser.”

“I sincerely do not give a fuck about that Rae.”  Finn stroked her hair and wouldn’t let go her, even as she started to stir.  Rae didn’t know how to tell him that she did care, that every time it happened it felt like part of her died inside.  “I love you the way you are Rae, exactly the way y’are.”  He whispered into her ear, “and everything that’s led up to this point in time has made you who you are.”  She looked into his eyes.

“If you can’t believe it about yourself, how can I believe it about me?”

“I do believe it Rae.”  He answered, “My fears are not the same thing as my knowledge.  I know you love me.  I do know it.  But I am still afraid that I’m not enough for you.”  He acknowledged, “But it’s getting better.”  He took her face in his hands, “is it getting better for you?”  Rae thought about it for a long time.

“Slowly.”  She answered honestly.  “Some days I don’t hate my body at all.  Some days I feel kinda sexy and kinda pretty.”  She acknowledged, “But…”

“Other days aren’t so good.”  She nodded and he took a deep, sad breath. 

“I’m sorry it’s taking so long.”  She lowered her eyes.

“Don’t even think about that sort o’ thing.”  He pleaded.

“I just wanna be normal for you.” 

“I don’t even know what normal is.”  He kissed Rae softly, “I just know I want you.”  He looked in her eyes, “Normal or no.  I want you.”  He watched her eyes lower, “You wanna ask me why, don’t you?”  She nodded and he grinned, pleased that he knew her so well, “Cos your left boob is slightly bigger than your right one.”  His grin broadened when he saw the look of confusion on her face.  “And you yell at the tv during football like they can hear you.  And you’re the kind o’ girl that only got into football cos you wanted to keep me happy, and now you know everything about it, and I cease to exist when a game’s on.”  He watched her face flush with embarrassment, “And cos you pretend you don’t like Madonna, but you do a little.”  She shook her head, “I thought I could say the things I always say, like you’re strong and funny, and smart and beautiful.  And too fucking sexy for me to handle.  You know – the overachievers of the reasons why I love you.  Or I could go for the quiet achievers, the lesser known reasons.”  He stroked her hair, “I could fill a whole book with those.”

“And you say you don’t have a way with words.” 

“Sometimes they fail me when I need ‘em most.”  He answered with a sad look on his face.  “And sometimes I get lucky and they hang around, and do a pretty decent job o’ keeping you in your place.”

“Oh right?”  She laughed.

“Like just then.  Know your place now?” 

“Yes.”  She said pretending to not be deliriously pleased with him. 

“So what’s your place?”  He teased with a grin.

“Wherever you put me.”  She said saucily and his grin took on a dirty quality.

“I was gonna say happy and being adored by me.  But if that’s the game we’re gonna play Mrs Nelson, I’ll more than happily take it.”

“When was the last time we played a little rough?”  She asked with a shy, but very enticing tone.

“It were before Janice left.”  Finn answered softly; the mood dampened but not entirely gone.  It had been 6 weeks since she’d moved out, and they had heard nothing from her since then.  But it was best not to think about it. 

“Right.”  Rae answered slowly.  “So it’s been a while.”

“Aye.”

“We should remedy that.”  She was sometimes very glad of the similarities in her their height, it made it easy for her to put her lips to his ear, “I want you to leave your mark on me again.”  She pulled back and he looked in her eyes like a lion caged. 

“You sometimes flirt with a very dark part o’ me Rae.”  He said longingly. 

“Not nearly dark enough.”  She kissed him, biting his bottom lip hard and he groaned softly.

“I don’t know if you really wanna get any darker.”  His tone was teasing, but there was a warning undertone, and also excitement, desire, and ache to explore this world further. 

“I feel like being Alice.”  She stepped closer, her hand reaching between them and rubbing his cock through his clothes, “I wanna see how deep the rabbit hole goes.”  He shook his head at her as if to say ‘don’t tempt me.’  But she simply raised her eyebrows at him, and deftly changed the topic.  “Chop suggested London again in the break for you and Archie’s birthday celebrations.”  She grinned as she watched the lion pacing at the bars to his cage, “fancy it?”

“I fancy throwing you on the floor and fucking you like a whore.”  He whispered to her and then scanned the room.  There were dozens of people working out.

“Do it.”  She dared him and he shook his head at her.

“You don’t really want me to do it.”  He nodded towards Rhys, Archie, Chloe and Tom.  Rae looked over at them and turned back to him biting her bottom lip.

“Guess you called my bluff.”  She laughed and he took her hand.

“C’mon,” he said, leading her towards their friends.  They walked across the gym, Rae feeling that she might want to tease Finn with the idea of rough sex in public more often; the argument was almost entirely forgotten.

“All you guys ever do is fight or fuck.”  Archie shook his head as they came over.

“Same.”  Tom laughed and Archie turned his eyes to him, a huge grin on his face.

“Yeah but it’s sexy when we do it!” 

“Are you saying it’s not sexy when we fight?”  rae asked in mock outrage.

“No it’s just fucking heartbreaking!”  Archie responded, “You need stop it!” 

“Are you two gonna go me or not?”  Chloe asked and Tom and Archie turned to her laughing.

“Sorry!”  Archie said and raised his fists.

“Never thought I’d be double-teaming a girl!”  Tom joked and Chloe tutted and rolled her eyes.

“Stop it.”  She grinned at the easy way Tom dropped sexual innuendo into conversation.  Tom nodded to Archie and they both started to advance on Chloe, ready to attack her.  Rhys folded his arms and watched as Chloe worked through the moves he’d taught her, taking in every flaw in form.  Slowly Tom increased the difficulty of the attacks he was trying on her, Archie trying to match him, and eventually Tom overpowered her and she had no answer to his superior skill, giving Rhys a good idea of where Chloe was at with her training.  It was one thing to learn moves, but another thing to use them in a fight, to adapt and apply your skills in unexpected ways was the sign of a true fighter. 

“Not bad.”  Tom said and Chloe grinned.

“Your adaptability is poor.”  Rhys cut over the top of him, “you are too unsure of your skills and your own strength.”  He evaluated her and Chloe nodded while Tom rolled his eyes at how harsh Rhys was.

“I wasn’t sure if I was doing some things right.”  Chloe agreed. 

“Seriously Rhys, getting a compliment out of you is like getting a straight man’s arsehole open.”  Tom shook his head.

“Shit can get a straight man’s arsehole open.”  Rhys countered, “and so can both of us.”  He grinned slightly, making Tom chortle, but then he continued straight faced, “She’ll get the comments she deserves.  Not some shit designed to make her feel better.  She knows that.”

“I like him being hard on me.”  Chloe told Tom, “but you’re a sweetheart.”  She kissed his cheek and started to un-tape her hands, “So what are we gonna do this Saturday?”  She asked excitedly. 

“Steady on Chlo, it’s only Sunday and we got a whole lot o’ exams to do before then!”  Archie shook his head.

“Yeah but it’s the last week of school till summer break and Izzy’s gets out o’ hospital, we got the summer ball, and we got a big party to plan for some birthdays that got missed…”  She smiled, “excuse me that I am optimistic that life is finally getting back on fucking track!” 

“This year has been right difficult so far.”  Rae agreed, “I think we’ve earned a big party or three.”

“What are you giving Izzy for a going home present?”  Chloe asked and Rae grinned.

“A jade ballerina for her charm bracelet.”

“Oh Izzy loves jade.”  Chloe said, “Good choice.”

“And,” Tom added, “You’ll be graduating Archie, no more school for you.”

“Off to university!”  Rae congratulated him.  Archie grinned as they all headed towards the change rooms.

“So Tom, you’ll be coming to our birthday parties right?”  Finn asked before he followed Archie.

“O’ course!”  He winked at Archie and saw his next client walking towards him, so gave them a little farewell wave.  Chloe went over to Rhys and had a quick chat to him.

“Have you noticed how many private chats Chloe and Rhys have?”  Rae asked as she looked over her shoulder at them.

“Not really.”  Finn answered, still keeping a fair distance from Chloe meant that he missed a lot of these small details.  Over the last few weeks the situation had slowly improved, but Finn was still fairly frosty towards Chloe.  Archie looked over his shoulder and watched Chloe and Rhys.

“She’s getting into her training.”  He shrugged. 

“I dunno.”  Rae mused, “Maybe I’m seeing things, but I think Chloe’s back in town.”  Archie stopped and turned to look at Chloe and Rhys talking. 

“You know Rhys best Finn.  Is there something?”

Finn turned just in time to see Rhys motioning over his next client, Chloe walking away. 

“No idea.”  Finn answered eyeing Rhys closely, he certainly hoped that there was something.  That would make his life much easier.

 

[‘Where is my Mind?’ by The Pixies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iC0YXspJRM&feature=kp)

He leaned against her door frame and ran his fingers down the door, barely making a noise, but he wasn’t surprised when the door opened underneath his fingertips.  He looked up at her face.  She looked at him commandingly, a deeply unimpressed look on her face.

“Whisky?”

“Yep.”  He said happily.  She looked out along the street and shook her head.

“I am not your therapist, and I am not your alcoholics anonymous meeting.”  Her eyes flashed angrily. 

“You say things like this to me every time.”  He was only slightly tipsy, but when he shook his head, he did feel the effects of the movement, “and yet every time I show up on your doorstep on Sunday at 2pm… you let me in.”  There were many reasons she let him in.  Because she worried about him, because he was right on the brink of spiralling out of control and she wanted to stop that from happening for some reason.  Because he was in pain, and she hated seeing big dumb animals in pain.  She rolled her eyes.

“Come on then you stupid oaf.”  He grinned at her and lumbered into her house, going straight to her kitchen, looking in her fridge for food and a drink and bringing it back to her lounge room.  He sat on the lounge and ate some left over roast chicken while she stood, arms crossed glaring at him.  He looked up at her; another messy ponytail, but no make-up today, low riding jeans, but not so low as to show her underwear, no shoes, a black singlet top and no bra it seemed and he found himself trying subtly to ascertain this for certain.  She was as magnificent as ever, even when she wasn’t trying.  She sat down on her arm chair, cross legged and put her hands on her feet, her blue eyes appraising him coolly.  She leaned over and stripped a bit of chicken off and ate it, sharing the silence with him.  She lit up two cigarettes and handed one to him.

“He still hasn’t woken up.”

“I know.”  She answered, “And you’re still blaming yourself for his suicide attempt.”

“I should have seen it coming.  That’s my job.”  Kester pushed the chicken away and leaned back, wiping his fingers on his jeans.

“It’s funny that you say that about yourself but dismiss my desire to be able to see it coming.”  Elsa said dourly. 

“It’s not your job.”

“You’re a hypocrite.”  Elsa answered with no sympathy.  “You expect something of yourself that you tell others they can’t achieve.”  Elsa shook her head, “And like the fucking therapist you are, I’m sure you condemn that kind of behaviour in your patients.”

“Yeah.”  Kester rubbed his face with his hands and looked dejected, “Yeah I’m a fucking therapist.”

“Why do you even come here Kester?”  Elsa drew on her cigarette as she changed position, crossing her legs and leaning forward to him, “You hate everything I say.  Why do that to yourself?”

“It’s therapeutic.”  Kester smiled bitterly, “You’re kind of my therapist.”

“Then you should start paying me the exorbitant fees you caring folk charge.” 

“I’m free for patients of the hospital.”  He said defensively.  Rae didn’t have to pay a cent; he’d even managed to get her couples therapy covered.  Finn however was expected to pay, but Kester charged him the minimum his supervisor would allow. 

“Well just because you’re a cheap tart it doesn’t mean I am.”  Elsa said with a grin and he grinned back boozily.  “You gotta stop drinking at noon Kester.” 

“I know.”  He leaned forward and took some more chicken.  “But to be fair it’s my Modus Operandi when I fail.”

“Well you have got to get a new one.”

“I know.”  He looked down at his hands.  “How have you been this week?”

“I’m doing fine as always.”  Elsa answered broadly, “How’s Lizzy?” 

“She’s lovely.”  Kester said tightly, “And getting tired of my shit.”  Kester looked thoughtfully at the table for a moment and then flicked his eyes to Elsa, “Are you getting tired of my shit?”

“Are you?”  She instantly asked.  There was a long silence in which they stared at each other.  Slowly Kester started to nod his head.

“Yeah.”  He looked away, “I am.”

“I think these past weeks have firmly established that neither of us can blame ourselves for Liam’s suicide attempt.”  Elsa took another piece of chicken and ate it, her eyes staying on Kester.  He was silent for a long time again.

“Let me take you to dinner.”  He asked softly.  It was not the first time he’d asked.

“I don’t think so.”  And it was not the first time she’d refused.

“I suppose you’d prefer to go to a sex club or something.”  His tone was meant to be sarcastic derision, but he was too exhausted to pull it off. 

“If we were in London I’d take you to one.”  She smiled enigmatically.  “You probably need it.”

“The education or the sex?”  He laughed.

“Both.”  They were comfortable in the happy silence that followed, Kester’s eyes lingering on Elsa when she looked away.

“You are a very singular woman.”

“So you’ve said.”  She answered with an unimpressed air. 

“And a very difficult woman.”  He added with a cheeky grin. 

“That’s how I like it.” 

“Why won’t you let me take you to dinner?”

“Because I’m partial to the food I have in my kitchen.”

“I can cook you something here.”

“I prefer my own cooking.”

“You can cook me something.”

“I don’t like to cook for others.”

“I can bring my own food.”

“And what would happen after dinner?”  Their rapid firing stopped suddenly. 

“Conversation.”  Kester said after a silence. 

“We’re doing that now.  So why the need for dinner?”

“Why the opposition to dinner?”

“Because dinner has implications.”

“It’s a meal, nothing more.  You choose what implications to put on it.”

“Fine, why not another meal, like lunch?”

“Fine let’s have lunch together.”  Elsa stopped and glared at him.

“That was your plan all along.”  She said slowly as a big grin broke out on Kester’s face. 

“I knew you wouldn’t say breakfast because it has its own connotations.”  He admitted.  She leaned back in her chair and narrowed her eyes at him.

“You’re in a monogamous relationship, why are you playing with fire?”

“Because I’m cold.”  Kester tried to figure out the puzzle that was Elsa; she had been occupying his mind at a pleasantly consistent rate since he had first met her.  He couldn’t say it was entirely all non-sexual this fascination, but it was mostly an intellectual thing, with a small thrill of feisty sexuality thrown in. 

“Well I’m not here to heat you up.  That’s not my job.”

“Then stop letting me into your house.”  Kester answered with a tiny thrill of triumph that he hid admirably. 

“Careful what you wish for.” 

“Oh I am, don’t you worry.”  He answered with a slightly suggestive smile that made the corners of Elsa’s mouth flicker up for a moment. 

“Not nearly careful enough.”  She said in a voice that would melt the ice caps.  Kester felt his breath catch in his throat.  She’d never done anything even slightly sexually suggestive to him before, and being hit with a full blast of it had been quite unexpected, and it flustered his entire being.  He remained astonishingly calm externally, given his internal state of turmoil. 

“Remarkable.”  The word left his mouth before he had chance to chase after it and shove it back down his throat.  She leaned forward with that enigmatic smile of hers, and picked up the plate of chicken and took it back to the kitchen, completely un-phased by their exchange, leaving Kester to think and furrow his brows on her lounge.  When she returned she handed him a glass of water and sat down.

“You can take me to lunch on the following three conditions.  One, your girlfriend knows about it.  Two, you will be 100% sober the entire time.  And three, you’re paying.”

“Alright.”  Kester agreed and sipped the water.  “And what shall we do this afternoon?” 

“I’ll be grading papers.  And you will be going home.  Go make love to Lizzy.”  Kester chuckled and slowly got up. 

“See you next Sunday.”  He said with a cheeky grin.

“Midday.”  Elsa said with a warning tone, “Not a minute late.”

“Understood.” 

 

[ _ ‘Under Pressure’ by Queen & David Bowie _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a01QQZyl-_I&feature=kp)

The screaming resonated through the house.  Rae took a deep breath and gripped her pen tighter, Finn’s head was pounding and his heart was thundering in his chest.

He’d never been more anxious about schoolwork in his life and this exam didn’t even count for him. 

Aiesha bawled loudly, and Linda bounced her gently trying to sooth her. 

“What did you do to her?”

“Nothing!”  Rae responded angrily, desperately trying to focus on her English revision; the test was tomorrow.  Finn was sitting the exam too, even though he had already failed English for this year; he wanted to get the practice in because he was quite anxious about doing advanced English in 2nd year.  He’d only gotten a B- for his Yeats essay, and after the A for his essay on critical essay writing skills and A+ for his 1984 essay, he had been deeply disappointed with himself.  But to be fair, he barely understood poetry at the best of times, and these past 6 months had been desperately difficult.  Even Rae had gotten a B+ for the Yeats essay, which was similar to getting an F for her in English. 

“Then why’d she start bawling?”  Linda accused.

“I dunno.  I’m trying to study for me exams mum!”  Rae yelled back.  Aiesha’s cries took on a particularly shrill tone and Finn slowly put his pen down and looked up at the ‘Earl’ women; he thought of them as Earl women, even though two of them were Bushtats.  He’d never even bothered studying for exams before, had never been so stressed and worried about school work in his life.  And Linda’s insistence that they do their homework at the kitchen table was not helping.  There was always an interruption, a distraction, a discussion… Aiesha… she was quite a problem too when you were trying to study. 

“Maybe she’s teething again?”

“Mum, I don’t care!”  Rae said frantically, “If you want me to pass me exams I need to be able to study!”  She pleaded.  Linda waved her off and tried to sooth Aiesha, but all attempts resulted in louder screams. 

Karim was at work tonight, and Rae just knew he would have been able to sooth Aiesha; he always could.  Linda sat at the table with Aiesha and tried to sooth her as calmly as she could.  Rae glared at her mum.  Finn started to rub his temples; his headache was incredible and he just wanted to understand what the hell Yeats was going on about in ‘Easter 1916’ properly.  Rae was fairly confident she’d pass English, but she’d like to get a high mark, and this stress was not helping; and she really did have to revise some of the things they‘d both missed when they’d missed school on account of the stalker incident.

“Mum either you gotta shut her up-”

“I can’t just shut her up like that Rae, she’s a baby!”

“Or I gotta go upstairs to study!”

“You’re staying down here!”  Linda insisted, “If you go up there, you’ll just have sex.  And that’s not studying either.”

“Mum!”  Rae retorted, “I’ve never been less horny in me life!  I need to study!” 

Finn breathed out loudly, exasperated and went to get himself a glass of water while they argued.  He drank it at the sink and did himself another glass, trying to slow down his heart rate.  The stress was really getting to him and he just needed for them to quieten down a little so he could get it together. 

“I don’t care about your stupid rules mum!  How am I supposed to get the grades you want me to get down here, listening to her screaming?”

Finn watched Linda retort angrily, the volume and tone of her voice setting little Aiesha on edge, even as Linda bounced her.  He watched them, his head lowered and pounding. 

“We’ll leave the door open.”  He said softly.  They didn’t hear him so he rose his voice, “We’ll leave the door open!”  He said in a loud, authoritative voice; much louder and much more authoritarian than he had intended.  Linda turned her eyes to him and Rae lowered hers, worried that Finn had put his foot in it.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to yell.  But we’re wasting time.”  He said through the pain in his head, “So let’s compromise.  It’s quieter up there, we can study.  And with the door open, you know…”  He shook his head and felt her eyes boring into him.  Linda looked over at the clock.  She had made the rule that they couldn’t go up to Rae’s room until 8:30pm, and even though there had been some grumbling from Rae each night that she’d been made to adhere to the rule, the rule had never been broken, or bent. 

“It’s only 6:30.”  She replied.  Finn’s eyes looked up at the ceiling in despair as he heard Rae start to reply angrily, but Linda cut her off, “The door doesn’t close before 8:30.  And this is only for the exam week!”  Linda replied. 

“Fine.”  Rae answered and started to gather her things together.  Finn followed suit.

“Thanks Linda.”  He said to her as he followed Rae to the stairs. 

She was groaning in angry frustration when she half closed the door to try and drown out the sound of Aiesha crying.  She put some music on and threw all of her stuff onto the floor in a mood. 

Finn sat down and opened up his books feeling far too unprepared for this exam tomorrow.  No matter how many times he read the poems, he knew he was missing vast chunks of information, meanings, subtleties.  He re-read ‘Easter 1916.’

“Why does he repeat that a terrible beauty is born?”  He muttered to himself.  “I fucking hate poetry.”

“He means the Irish rebellion, it was stoked up into a frenzy by the executions.”

“Of the ringleaders of the Easter 1916 rebellion…”  Finn’s tongue worked on the spaces between his back teeth, “so it’s beautiful cos it’s about Irish nationality, and freedom and all that.  But it’s terrible cos it’s violent and people are gonna die… have died.”  Rae nodded, “I really prefer ‘Leda and the Swan.’  It’s easier to understand.  It’s so straight forward.”

“You’re such a romantic.”

“Wait, isn’t it about rape…?”  Finn said confused.

“I were being sarcastic Finn.” 

“Don’t do that to me right now.”  He answered with a slight sneer. 

“It’s not that hard, you know this stuff.”  She was trying to sooth him, but in her stressed mood, it came out almost as an insult.

“Oh yeah and how are you going with ‘The Second Coming?’”  Finn snarked defensively.  He knew that it was the one poem she was really struggling with and she narrowed her eyes at him. 

“It’s a reference to post World War 1 Europe.  And that the world of people is on the brink of anarchy, passing along Yeats’s gyres from one way of thinking to another…” Rae said with a smug grin; she’d been chatting to Archie who loved Yeats and history. 

“Fuck.”  He shook his head, “I though it were about the Bible?”

“Kinda metaphorically…”

“I fucking hate poetry!  Why has everything gotta be a fucking metaphor?”

“Cos it’s more poetic that way.”  He shot her a dirty look and rubbed his temples.  “I can’t even look at ‘Long Legged Fly.’  Rae I’m gonna fail this.”  He shook his head, “I’m not good at poetry.”

“At least you got Utopias and Dystopias in the bag Finn.”  She reassured him.  “If you don’t do so well at poetry, that’s fine!”  He didn’t have to do the Shakespeare element because he hadn’t been in the class for that.  He nodded.

“But I so wanna get at least a B.”

“So nail the Utopias and Dystopias bit.  Nail it hard.”  Rae answered, “And do the best you can with the poetry.”  He grunted in response to her and rubbed his temples.  “Headache?”  She asked sympathetically.

“Aye.”  He breathed out tensely. 

“Well you know what’s good for a headache right?”  Rae asked with a grin.  Finn thought back to the love caravan he’d set up for her all those months ago. 

“Vodka.”  He replied with a wry grin.

“No Finn.  Orgasms.”  She answered like he was an idiot.  He gave her a quizzical look and she nodded her head.  “Read it in one of Chloe’s magazines.”  She grinned at him and kissed his lips.

“Finally one of Chloe’s magazines pays off for me.”  He said and he laid back on the floor as Rae undid his pants slowly.  His eyes turned to the semi-open door when he felt her fingers close around his cock. 

“Huh…”  She said as she took it from is pants, un-erect.  Every other time they had come to have sex of any kind he had been throbbing and achingly erect.  She’d seen him un-erect, but never just before sex. 

“Sorry.”  He said, massaging his temples and closing his eyes.  Rae looked down at his soft cock and smiled.

“It’s so cute and little.  Finn laughed at her and shook his head.

“Thanks.”  He said with an unimpressed tone.  She put her mouth around his cock and felt blood instantly start to pump into it, felt it start to thicken and harden.  It was so easy to take all of him in when he was un-erect.  She groaned at the pressure of him growing hard in her mouth.  He sighed happily as she moved her mouth along his lengthening shaft.  He looked back at the door as he reached his full length and felt his cock pushing deep into her throat, as she kept her mouth around him.  When she pulled back and gently stroked his hard cock, she was impressed.  She never realised just how big the difference was between un-erect and erect, until she’d felt it growing in her mouth

“There’s such a size difference.”  She marvelled as she looked down at his huge, erect cock.  He groaned in response as she smoothly masturbated him, admiring his beautiful penis.  “Erections are amazing.”  She continued to marvel and he grinned.  She got comfortable and started to suck his cock in earnest and he groaned in appreciation, his hand finding her face and running his thumb down her check to her lips so he could feel his cock going in and out of her mouth, his eyes staying on the door.  Finn felt an urgent fear of being caught creep into his guts and he liked the way it heightened the sensation of her swallowing his dick.  The best moment was when she deep throated – there was this miraculous moment when his cock would get crammed against the back of her throat and then slowly push past the swallow point.  That was the gold moment.  He’d never had another girl deep throat him like she did; always seeking to take in his full length every time she went down, it was like she didn’t know any other way to suck a dick other than with her whole throat.  It always made him want to cum too quickly; watching his length slide in her mouth, hit the back of her throat, and then she’d push past the gag spot, to take in all of him.  It was absolutely incredible. 

“You gonna ride me girl?”  He asked urgently and looked down at her lips around his cock.

“No.”  She whispered, the head of his cock still in between her lips, “This is just for you Finn.”  She slurped at his cock happily and he looked back at the door.  This had never happened before; they’d never had sex of any kind in which he wasn’t focused on trying to make her cum as much as possible.  She’d never gone down without the expectation of sex to follow.  His eyes rolled back in his head as he let himself focus entirely on what she was doing with her mouth; he was allowed to cum from this, this was just for him.  He slipped his thumb into her mouth, feeling his cock sliding into her mouth, and curled his fingers under her chin so he could feel her jaw working hard to take him all in.  He opened his eyes to look at the door.  Aiesha had stopped screaming, which meant Linda would be up to check on them in any moment; the fear that she’d catch them increased, and it mingled with the growing heat in his groin perfectly.  He focused on the feel of her lips, of the head of his cock pushing into the back of her throat and started to groan.

“Soon.”  He breathed and she groaned slowly to let him know she’d heard him, the hum of her vocal chords sending shivers through his spine and quickening his orgasm.  He looked down at her as he felt himself reaching the point of no return, looked at her head moving up and down her eyes looking first at his cock and then up at his face as she went deep again.  He was looking into her eyes, his cock buried deep in her throat when he came, gasping groans punctuating each spurt of ejaculating.  She swallowed and then proceeded to suck and lick him dry while he gasped, his cock still sensitive.  And then she gently put his cock back in his pants and grinned at him.

“Feeling better?”  He noticed a decided lessening of the throb in his skull, his tension had eased; his body felt lose and almost relaxed.  He could feel the headache fading away as he looked at her.

“Aye.”  He said slowly, “Much better.”  He slowly sat up and stroked her face, “Thanks.”

“My pleasure.”  She said with a beautiful smile that made Finn’s heart thud faster again; be he liked it when his heart beat fast for this reason.

“Now if only I’d said orgasms instead o’ vodka back in the caravan!”  He joked and Rae laughed and turned back to the poetry, Finn picked up ‘Easter 1916’ and slowly read it again, a happy smile on his face. 

Linda popped her head around the semi-closed door and saw them quietly studying.  She thought she’d heard something a little untoward as she came up the stairs, but she must have been hearing things, because they were fully clothed and focusing on the books. 

 

_Dear Diary_

_Is it possible to keep falling more in love with someone every day?  You hear things like that said, but it’s not what I expected.  It’s so much more._

_Most nights he falls asleep before me cos of me insomnia, and all I can do is look at his face._

_Anyone who says he’s not the best looking lad on the planet is lying.  He’s so glorious._

_It’s cute how worried he is about his marks.  And he has such high expectations for himself.  Gary says he never cared before, and I remember him telling me that he hated college and he were only there cos everyone else were.  I hate thinking about that conversation.  He left that night.  Things have changed so much.  Inside of me is different.  And he’s different.  And we’re different together._

_People say that their love is like the air in their lungs.  But I feel like he is me lungs.  I never thought that another person could be so vital to me._

_This time last year I were in hospital… and now I have a gang of mates that are like me own blood family.  I don’t know how I’ve been so lucky.  Or how I even deserve something like this.  It definitely wasn’t what I expected when I got out of hospital._

_Exams will be over soon, and I know a lot of people are expecting high grades from me… and for the first time, I think I might be able to do it.  For the first time in me life, I don’t feel like I’m letting everyone down.  Course that just means that I worry that I’ll start to.  Gotta stop thinking like that.  Gotta stop expecting the worst._

_After these exams, it’ll be the summer holidays.  It’ll be a year since I met Finn.  What a year hey?_

_I can’t wait to see what’s gonna happen in the next year.  For the first time diary, I’m looking forward to my future unfolding.  Cos a big part of me thinks it’s gonna be brilliant._

_Oh god Diary, I hope I didn’t just jinx myself._

 

***

 

Archie looked down at his books and notes slowly reading things back to himself. 

He had provisional acceptance to two universities: his exam marks had to be high enough to guarantee his place. 

He focused his mind as much as he could with that pressure looming over him and tried not to fret too much.  He was a solid student, there was no reason he couldn’t get the marks he needed. 

 

***

 

Chloe pulled the lid of the pen off and put it back on as she read.

Off.

On.

She loved Yeats.  She was so glad she’d stayed in advanced English. 

Off.

On.

Sure the Shakespeare, and Utopias and Dystopias had been hard.  But she had found Yeats; her literary crush. 

She felt more confident about this exam than she had about any exam she’d ever sat. 

 

***

 

Izzy started revision for the exams she’d be sitting at the end of the summer holidays.  If she could pass them she’d get a revised passing grade for first year of college and wouldn’t have to repeat.  Chop sat with his feet up on the bottom of her hospital bed, his work boots on the floor, a magazine open in his lap.  She looked up at him and grinned momentarily before looking back down at her work.  She had finished the consolidation phase of her chemotherapy treatment in hospital over the last six weeks.  She had been quite sick during that time, surprisingly, since it was less intensive than the first phase.  Overall she had responded well to treatment and would be released from hospital in just a few days, ready to start the third and final phase of her treatment: maintenance.  This chemo would continue for 2 to 3 years, and may have heaver bouts of consolidation style chemo included every now and then if needed.  There were drugs to take; methotrexate, 6-mercaptopurine, prednisone and vincristine.  She had forgotten which pill to take daily and which to take weekly and what would be injected into her monthly, and just how many blood tests and lumbar punctures she’d have to have.  But Chop remembered all of it.  What she had gotten from her doctor was that the prognosis for her was very good now, that she should be able to continue on with life during these treatments; go back to school, have fun… Her hair even started to grow back.  Her life was finally becoming hers again, she looked around the hospital room.  She’d be so glad to get out of here.  Chop looked up at her.

“How’s your homework?”  He nodded at her notes.

“It’s weird getting me brain working again.”  She replied honestly, “but I’m so happy that everything’s getting back on track.”

“Me too, baby girl.”  He grinned.  

 

[ _ ‘Love is a Stranger’ by Eurythmics _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6f593X6rv8&feature=kp)

Phil turned the engine off and looked down the street.  Several weeks ago Elsa had mentioned that they were going to check out the theatre at the arts centre. The unexpected departure of the arts centre’s director had made it difficult to organise this outing, but the time had finally come around.  They’d just finished their English exam and Phil felt prepared for his performing arts exams tomorrow; he was in a pretty good mood. 

She was standing outside the arts centre, her foot tapping slightly to whatever music was playing in her headphones.  His eyes lingered on her breasts in a hungry way that was growing every day.  Ever since that art class his attraction to Rae had grown exponentially.  He’d always thought she was beautiful, and talented and clever, and as funny as they came… But now he knew, rather intimately, how sexy she was as well.  He tried to stop his eyes crawling over her body lustily.  It wasn’t like him to be like this; he had desires of course, and he’d looked at Rae a lot, imagined her, dreamt about her, masturbated thinking about her… but this was so explicitly sexual.  The way he looked at her felt pornographic, even to himself.  He couldn’t help but think about all the things he’d do to her…

_Seeing her like that has made everything so much harder._

He gave a small scoff at his own accidental double entendre and kept his eyes on her, willing himself to just stop, but unable to.  She was 15 minutes early, there was no one around; he could masturbate right now, looking at actual her, rather than his imagined her or his paintings of her.  Sure she was clothed and standing on the street, but at least it was her. 

Phillip closed his eyes slowly and ran his hands down his jeans, wiping the sweat from his palms. 

_How did I get this bad?_

_This isn’t like me._

_Have some fucking respect Phil._

More and more he was understanding Finn, and he hated that.  She brought out something primal in him.  If he was Finn, he’d be keeping all other males away too, and he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off her either.  He felt his fingers twitch when he thought about being allowed to touch her.  If he was her man; he’d be acting an awful lot like Finn, and that knowledge made him question all the beliefs he had held onto about the relationship Finn and Rae shared.  From where he stood, Finn looked like a cocky, arrogant Neanderthal that was possessive and controlling of Rae, Finn was not afraid to use his fists, and not afraid to keep Rae in line and it looked like they were always fighting, or fucking.  But when he coupled what he had seen of Finn overall, with the small glimpses of softness he’d seen between them, and this new-found predator within his own chest; he started to doubt that the relationship was shaky.  He started to worry that it was very solid. 

_But still, Rae hasn’t told me to back off outright…_

_And my intentions are pretty clear._

_So it can’t be that solid._

_Or if it is solid, she sees something in me and is curious about it._

He realised that one of his hands had started to rub himself thorough his jeans while he’d been looking at her and he stopped instantly, mortified.  He felt disgusted with himself; he was like some sort of creepy stalker sitting in the car, watching her, rubbing himself.  He made a disgusted noise at himself and reached to his back seat to get his notepad and pen.  He looked back up at her; the sun shining down across her, her brown hair shining in the light, her skin glowing like a beacon at night.  Phil’s breath stopped in his lungs and he was struck by how much he loved her.  This was more like the old Phillip.  He watched her flick her hair off her shoulder and turn the cassette over in her Walkman.  He felt much more prepared to go and greet her now that he was more in his own skin, and less in that predatory animal’s skin. 

He got out of his car and headed up the street as a red Datsun turned into the road up ahead.  Phil looked at the car; it was driving slowly.

“HEY!”  He saw Rae look up in response at the car as it drew parallel, the passenger hanging out the window, “FAT BITCH!”  He screamed while the other three guys in the car laughed.  Phil felt his innards clench as his eyes took in every little detail of the scene; anger unlike anything he’d ever felt before surging through him.  He started to run towards the scene, not entirely sure what he was going to do against four guys, but knowing he had to do something.  He saw something moving in the back seat; a can of coke was thrown from the car, hitting Rae in the chest as she stood shaking her head at them.  There was just enough time to hear her gasp of pain before the tyres squealed to life and they sped off, their laughter clearly discernible.  Phillip got to her just as her hand went to her chest were the can had hit her.  She was covered in coke; the can had been opened and three quarters full.  She was still gasping in the pain of the impact when she saw Phil in front of her, taking off his shirt, leaving him in just a white singlet and jeans, instantly he was wiping the coke off her skin, her face, her arms, her hair, her chest, clear worry on his face.

“Are you alright?”  He was saying as he tried to clean her up. 

“Phil that’s me boob.”  Rae managed to say even though she was still winded by the pain in her chest.  He paused and realised his hands were both on her right breast; one holding the material of her shirt, the other using his shirt to dry her.  He instantly snatched them off. 

“I’m so sorry.”  He shook his head in mortification, “I didn’t mean… I didn’t realise… I was focused on…”

“It’s alright; it’s just a boob.”  She smiled tightly and he offered her his shirt silently, knowing it was better to keep his mouth shut.  Her smile broadened as she took it.  “Thanks Phillip.”  She looked down at the mess all over her Stone Roses shirt and shook her head.  At least her mum was good at getting stains out. 

_I touched her boob…_

_I touched it in the most appalling circumstances._

_And I really wanna kick the shit out of those guys._

_What the hell is wrong with me?  How could I touch her breast like that?_

Rae looked up at Phil, about to say something and noticed the shape of his torso, usually hidden under his lose shirts.  Phillip was fit. 

_Is she…?_

_Is she checking me out…?_

Phillip looked down at his own torso as her eyes travelled up his body, he supposed he’d filled out ok, and the extra exercise had helped.  But to see her look at him like this made him feel attractive in a way he never had before.  He pushed that thought away, and remembered how painful it looked when he’d seen Rae get hit with the can.

Her eyes went up to his face and saw nothing but concern there.  And she smiled at him grimly before patting away at her own boob. 

“Alright I caught the boob grope, but what did I miss?”  Elsa strode up in jeans, leather bike boots, a fitted green shirt and a cropped leather jacket.  She took the jacket off and popped her sunnies up on her head as she looked at Rae, taking in the stain, Phil’s shirt and the coke can on the ground.

“Thrown at you?”  Elsa asked.

“From a car.”  Phillip answered.

“Wasn’t a boob grope.”  Rae added.

“Uh huh.”  Elsa answered, “Let’s get you cleaned up.”  They walked into the arts centre, Phillip picking up the can and throwing it in the rubbish bin.  He watched Elsa and Rae disappear into the woman’s bathroom off the foyer to the arts centre.  He noticed a young girl, 15 maybe, sitting at the reception desk eyeing him curiously.  And then Phillip noticed that she was checking him out too.  He escaped into the men’s bathroom but was instantly assailed by the full length mirrors on the wall beside the basin.  He took himself in.  He certainly wasn’t scrawny anymore, and his skin had cleared up.  He looked at himself side on and then front on.  He noticed that his shoulders were much broader than they used to be.  He bit the inside of his cheek slowly, thinking this over. 

_Am I…?  Am I fit?_

Phil pulled a face at himself and actually scoffed.  He laughed and washed his face in the sink.

_Get over yourself mate._

He shook his head and that old familiar gnawing doubt in the pit of his stomach returned to him; the one that whispered to him that if he looked like Finn Nelson he might stand a chance with her.  He looked at himself in the mirror again, taking in his broad muscled shoulders and narrow waist, his dark hair and expressive eyes.  He knew he wasn’t ugly.  But it was too much to think he might be fit, or even mildly attractive to more than a few girls.  He felt self-conscious in his singlet.  He reflected on Rae’s eyes on him just moments ago.  He suspected that she had been shocked to see him like this; that’s a whole different thing to checking him out.  He left the bathroom feeling mildly dejected and waited in the foyer, self-consciously looking over at the girl at the reception desk.  She was definitely looking at him.  Phil took a notepad out of his bag and wrote down the number plate of the car that had had those guys in it.  He pulled the piece of paper out of his notepad and folded it into his front pocket, shoving the notepad and pen in his back pocket. 

Moments later Elsa and Rae emerged.  Rae’s shirt was wet with water, but the sticky coke had been rinsed out thoroughly and Elsa was apparently in a murderous mood; the bruising on Rae’s chest had been incredible.  The girl stood up when she saw Elsa and introductions were made

“Phillip Seymour?”  The girl asked. “Like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, only better looking.”  She blushed at her own audacity and tried to stifle a giggle as she hurriedly turned and led them towards the theatre Elsa and Rae shared a repressed laugh and had Phillip lead the way with Sue, who was actually 19, and a creative genius with painting and music.  Besides the awkward flirting, she was clever, funny and organised.  She would be managing the theatre hire to the school, so Rae, Phillip and Elsa would have a lot more contact with her.  Something that Sue seemed to enjoy.

Once on the stage Rae looked up at the raked seating to the bio-booth at the back.

“It’s a proper theatre.”  She grinned at Phillip who grinned back.

“Why haven’t we been using this all along?”  He agreed.

“The theatre’s been mostly mothballed for the last five years.”  Sue answered, “When my family first moved to Stamford from Singapore, it was having its last show.  Ticket sales weren’t good enough, it was costing too much to keep a proper staff to run it.”  She was standing quite close to Phil and he looked down at her with an awkward smile as she grinned up at him. 

“You two check the change rooms, Sue take me up to the bio-booth?”  Sue reluctantly took the keys and Elsa up the stairs to the bio-booth.  Rae walked into the wings, expecting to find the way to the greenroom and change rooms from there.  Phillip followed closely behind.

“Are you alright, that looked like a real hard hit.”  Rae blushed, embarrassed to have had anyone see what had just happened. 

“I’m fine.”  Rae lied; her chest was aching and her face was on fire with the shame of it.  “Listen I’m gonna take your shirt home and wash it for you… well have me mum wash it for you.”

“No that’s fine, I’ll do it.”  Phil answered and Rae shrugged as she took his shirt out of her bag.  He took it from her gently and looked down at her chest.  “You got a bruise?”

“Yeah.”  Rae scrunched her nose, “A big one too.”

“Those guys were wankers.”  Phil said, shoving his sticky shirt in his bag.  “Deserve a good thumping.”

“Oh Aye!”  Rae laughed gently, it hurt too much to laugh properly.  She opened the door to the change rooms and they had a look around.

“You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”  Rae turned to Phil and he crossed an arm over his upper stomach self-consciously, his eyes darting away.  But they slowly rolled back to her; “I mean you’re brilliant Rae.”  His voice was soft and assured, “You’re one of the best people I know.”  He looked away, colour coming to his cheeks, “And I hate that stuff like that happens to you.”  He swallowed and looked back to her, “You deserve much better than that.  And if I could, I’d hunt those dickheads down and beat the crap out of ‘em.”  He was surprised to hear these words coming out of his own mouth.  He was a firm believer in violence not being the answer.

“I’d probably let you, right about now.”  She grinned and looked around the green room.  “I think it’ll do.”

“Yeah.”  Phillip hadn’t really looked anywhere but at her.

“Let’s check the props storage?”  They found the under seating storage area and wandered around the props and flats.

“Listen…”  Phillip said and Rae sat on the stack of flats and nodded to indicate he had her attention, he sat next to her, their backs to the entrance.  “I got a pretty good memory.”  He explained, “So um…” He took a folded piece of paper out of his jeans, “it’s the car’s number plate… Just if you ever come across it and fancy keying it.”  Rae ginned and went to take the paper.

“I can’t be seen to be encouraging vandalism kiddies.”  Elsa said as she took the paper from Phil’s hand, having come up behind them.  “Keying a car is a very serious act of vandalism.”  She grinned slightly as the piece of paper was whisked into her bra, “And you Phillip need to be more careful where and when you hand out that kind of information and advice.”  She said meaningfully.  “So I might have a cigarette outside.  You should check out the bio-booth… it’s private, whereas this room you can hear echoing up through the floor under the seating.”  They watched her leave before heading up to the bio-booth.  Phil hurriedly wrote down the number plate again and handed it to her.

“So if you wanna key it, hold the big part of the key in your palm and let the thinner part come out between your knuckles, like you’re preparing to punch someone with it.”  He used his own car keys to show her and she took them from him and put them in her hand, several keys sticking out.  “To really cost him money, put a lot of force behind it, so it goes right through to the metal under the paint, and scrape the key up the entire length of the car.”  He got her to scratch the underside of the bio-booth desk.

“Holy shit.”  She grinned, “That’s a deep scratch.”  Phil nodded sagely and Rae shook her head in awe, “I had no idea there was a criminal in you Phillip.  I’m impressed.”  He laughed.

“So that’s what you find impressive?”  He only half joked.  “I actually have an older sister who’s a bit of a delinquent, and we adore each other so she teaches me everything… even though she thinks I’m far too straight-laced.” 

“I didn’t know you had a sister?”  Rae asked.

“Yeah, her name’s Kelsey.  She’s 19.”

“I thought your entire family was a bunch of over-achievers.”  Rae teased.

“She’s an overachiever, just not at something my parents approve of.”  Rae sat in the seat and looked at the sound and lighting desks.

“So what’s she good at?”

“Urban art.”

“Graffiti?”

“That’s what our parents call it.  But the old director of this place, Janice, was in talks to get her-”

“To paint the biggest outside wall of the centre.”

“Yeah.”  Phillip answered, “She’s got a real talent.  And she’s quite political too.”  Phil sat in the other chair and put the house lights up and then down.  “How d’you know about that?”

“I knew Janice.  She lived with Finn.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah small ol’ world!”  Rae tested the microphones and tried to figure out how to patch them in to the sound board.

“D’you know why she left?”

“No idea.”  Rae answered sadly.

“I miss Janice.”  Phillip answered in a world of his own, “the guy that replaced her in the drawing and painting class is no good.”  Rae felt her heart leap into her mouth and then Phil stopped short, realising what he’d said.

“You do the drawing and painting classes here?”  Rae asked softly.  Phil looked at the door to the bio-booth, wishing that Sue would turn up. 

“Yeah.”  He said slowly.

“Did you…?” She said slowly, “Janice did a live model class once didn’t she?”  Rae asked tentatively; she had been the live model. 

“Yeah.”  Phillip looked back down at the lighting board and played with some knobs, finding the spotlights and colour washes.  Rae watched him fidgeting and swallowed hard.

“Did you…?  D-did you go… to that?”

“Hey guys I gotta pack up.”  It was Sue.  Phil gave her a huge welcoming grin and shrugged at Rae.

“Gotta go.”  He answered and stood up.  They joined Elsa on the stage, who was going over the measurements she’d been handed.

“Phillip, do you reckon that front wing entrance is lower than they’re saying it is?”  She asked him as they approached from through the empty seats.  Phillip checked the measurement they had written down and then looked at the entrance.  Rae looked too, other thoughts leaving her head as she considered the stage measurements.

“Definitely.”  He answered.  Elsa sighed, frustrated. 

“That’s what I thought.”  She muttered.  “Whoever’s been looking after this stage is rubbish.  Don’t even have proper stage dimensions and measurements.”  Sue locked up and showed them the backstage entrance.  As they left she handed Phil a piece of paper.

“Just in case.”  She said with a genuine smile and closed the door, leaving Rae Elsa and Phillip outside of the theatre.  Rae looked at Phillip expectantly and Elsa raised an eyebrow.

“What’s your little note?”  Rae teased.

“I suspect it’s a phone number.”  Elsa answered dryly.  Phillip scrunched up his face and shook his head.

“No way.”  He answered resolutely.

“Oh come on!”  Rae almost laughed, “She was so flirting with you.”  Phillip turned his eyes from Rae to Elsa who shrugged in reply.

“I don’t think so Rae.” 

“You know she was really very pretty…. I bet it is her phone number!”  Rae grinned.  Phil shrugged and looked away.  But he could feel Rae’s eyes on him so he turned back to her and opened his note and read it slowly, tying to ignore her expectant stare.

“Alright yeah it’s a phone number.”  Phil blushed.  Elsa gave a knowing grin and saluted loosely.

“Peace out kids.”  She left them and walked off to her bike; they’d talk about the stage at a later time.  Phillip put a hand in his back pocket and looked at Rae for a moment.

“D’you need a lift home?”

“Nah, I’m meeting the gang out at the chippy.  It’s only five away.” 

“Alright.”  Rae gave him a hug goodbye and Phil was surprised by this; it was their first hug.

“See you round Phil.”  She was already walking away before he managed to squeeze the word ‘bye’ out.

 

[ _ ‘Twist’ by Korn _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWKR7uLa77A&feature=kp)

The grass under his naked body tickled, but it was soft and inviting.  And seeing her naked in the full sunlight was too good to resist.  Finn cupped her breasts while she rode him, their eyes locked, his whole body feeling drunk and lazily erotic.  He could hear her breathing and feel his cock moving inside of her.  He was inside of her.  Sometimes he thought people didn’t appreciate how important that fact was – he was _inside_  of her.  He motioned for her to kiss him and she leaned down, her breasts pressing against his chest, the weight of her was delicious on his torso.  Her kisses tasted like every wet dream he’d ever had, every sweet fruit, every aching glance he’d stolen of her. 

“I love you.”  She whispered to him and he felt his entire body fill with emotion.  He opened his mouth to tell her he loved her too when quite suddenly her head was reefed backwards by her hair.  Finn’s eyes opened wide in shock as he saw the knife appear from nowhere.  He was still inside of her when the knife sliced across Rae’s neck.

“NO!”  He screamed in terror but blood spurted out across his chest and face in a horrifying pulse of a rhythm; gushing out her blood to the beating of her heart.  He put his hands up to the gaping wound as she fell forward on top of him.  And she lay barely able to gasp in pain, bleeding to death, in his arms.  And Finn saw Saul over her shoulder, glaring down at them.  Saul.  Laughing.  Saul.  Raising his knife again. 

Finn sat up in bed, a cry on his lips.  He breathed hard, frantic and terrified, he turned to Rae to see that she was ok in the bed beside him.

But she wasn’t.

Finn panicked at the best of times when Rae wasn’t where he expected her to be.  But after that dream this was a panic bordering on sheer terror.  He leapt from the bed and checked her ensuite. 

Empty.

He paused only long enough to throw some clothes on before running down the stairs.

“Where’s Rae?”  He asked Linda urgently as she made breakfast.

“She went for a jog.”  Linda answered and Finn ran for the door, “Good morning to you too.”  Linda clucked as the door slammed behind him.  Finn knew the route that Rae usually took; he took it with her every second morning.  He set off at a sprint towards the park, the early morning air clinging to him; it was going to storm today.  His bare feet slammed down on the pavement, jolting his back painfully but he sprinted as fast as he could, his eyes searching for her, his mind intoning three words over and over:  _she’ll be alright… she’ll be alright… she’ll be alright…_

 

***

 

The air is burning in her lungs.  She ran as fast as she could.  But it’s not fast enough. 

She had to run faster. 

Faster.

There were so many reasons to run faster.

When she ran with Finn every second morning, he didn’t even break a sweat.  He didn’t pant, he didn’t get puffed out even within the slightest.  On the mornings that he jogged alone he came back with sweat dripping down his face and back, his shirt clinging to him, his body heaving to get breath. 

She couldn’t let Finn see her like this.  Sweat dripping from her, her body heaving for breath.  Because she knew that at her fastest, he’d still be able to talk, he’d be practically sauntering while she was at a flat out sprint for her.  It was embarrassing.

But more than that.  There were other thoughts.

Undercurrents.

The water looked smooth and calm, but hidden below, as deep as she could push them, where thoughts… realisations.

If he came back, she’d never be able to outrun him.

She surged forward, pushing the thought from her mind, forcing the tears in her eyes down.

_He’s not coming back._

_I can’t cope with…_

_He’s NOT coming back!_

_Run._

_Faster._

_Don’t stop._

 

***

 

Finn had been running for several minutes, his panic rising; there was no sign of her.  His bare feet were screaming in pain, his mind racing with every negative possibility imaginable as he ran along their usual route as fast as he could.  His mind was in a white noise of panic, his feet protesting loudly, his lungs aching and the muscles in his legs where threatening to revolt when he finally saw her. 

He caught up to her and grabbed her arm, making her yell out in fright. 

“Finn!”  She admonished him when she saw him.  He barely heard her speak, he only saw that he neck was alright, he had to see that there was no cut… just a pale white scar… relief flooded through his screaming mind… but the panic did not subside.

“The fuck Rae?”  He asked her angrily, “Don’t fucking go off on your fucking own!  FUCK!”  She looked at him bewildered by his anger. 

“I went to the arts centre alone.”  She tried to reason with him. 

“Yeah look at how that turned out.”  He had been furious by the bruise on her chest.

“You can’t spend every waking minute with me.”  Rae tried to soothe him.

“Yes I can Rae.”  Her attempts to soothe him made his temper worse; why was she dismissing this?  “Yes I can and I fucking will.”

“Finn-”

“You don’t go off on your own without fucking telling me.”  He ordered immutably.  Rae opened her mouth in shock, but realised why he was so upset. 

“He’s not coming back Finn.  It’s been months.”  She answered calmly. 

“I don’t care how fucking long it’s been!” He’d yelled and Rae backed up, surprised.” You do not go off on your own without telling me.”  His voice was loud in the silent morning, “Ever.  Do you understand?”  His face was red with anger, “Not ever. Not for any reason.”

“You’re yelling at me.”  She said in a small, bewildered voice.  She didn’t wait for him to say anything, she just turned and walked away.

“I’m yelling at you cos you don’t understand.”  He followed her, unrepentant, even though part of him was starting to backpedal from his rage.  But she turned on him.

“I have every right to spend time alone if I want.”  She said angrily, her voice louder than usual, “I get to make decisions for myself Finn.  You don’t own me!”  She walked away again.  Finn following, all thought of backpedalling from this gone.   

“You can use whatever reasoning you want; I don’t give a fuck!”  He told her angrily, “You do not go off on your own without telling me first.  Ever.  For any reason.”  He repeated, and he’d keep repeating it until she understood it. 

“You’re being a dickhead.”  She spat the words with venom, her eyes flashing angrily. 

“No you are!”  She stopped to look at him, her mouth set in a grim slash of repressed fury.  But he was not affected by her emotions, not this time.  This time he would not back down.  “We both nearly died in that room.  You do not go off on your own without asking me first.”  He said in an authoritarian tone. 

“Asking you?”  She asked unimpressed.

“I meant telling me.”  Finn dismissed the mistake. 

“You don’t get to control me cos you’re scared.”  Rae stormed off, not caring if Finn followed.  But he did, closely. 

“It’s not what I meant.”  He continued, with no hint of apology in his voice; more annoyance that she wasn’t getting it.

“I don’t give a fuck what you meant Finn, you’re yelling at me and acting like dickhead.”  She folded her arms across her chest, forcing her tears down; he wouldn’t see one tear from her, “I don’t wanna talk to you right now.” 

“Maybe I am being a dickhead.”  He replied furiously, “Maybe I’m controlling.  Maybe I’m a bad boyfriend.  I don’t care!”  His voice had risen again and Rae tried to block him out.  She didn’t like him like this, even if she did understand why he was upset.  “I’d rather you be angry at me than dead.”  He grabbed her arm and made her stop, she tried to pull away but he was far stronger and held her so she looked at him. “So you’re about to get even angrier Rae, cos I don’t give a fuck what you say,” He said with a stern face, “no time alone, unless I say.”  She opened her mouth to protest, “I don’t care.”  He reminded her with a slightly raised voice.  He dropped his hand to hers and turned to walk to her house, his hand holding her hand very firmly.  Rae couldn’t even think of anything to say to him.  She was furious.  She understood that Saul scared him, but this was inexcusable.  But she also understood that there was no point talking to him about this until he had calmed down.  She’d sort this out and get an apology out of him when he returned to his right mind.  Until then, she intended to be as angry at him as he deserved. 

 

[ _ ‘As Heaven is Wide’ by Garbage _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1I9kAgO4HQ&feature=kp)

They were sitting in their larger group; Archie, Finn, Rae, Chloe, Phillip, Stacey and Sam.  Izzy was still in hospital so their group was one short.  Their group piece on the theatre of cruelty and a prepared monologue was part of their performance grade for drama.  After lunch they’d be sitting the written part of the exam.  Finn wasn’t going to bother sitting the written; he already had to repeat this class and he wanted to focus on getting better marks for his other subjects, but he was here for the performance element; he didn’t want to mess up everyone else.  Except for maybe Phil and Stacey…

To help Rae build confidence in her directing, he’d prepared a monologue for this exam and asked her to direct him.  He didn’t need to do the monologue; his marks for this exam didn’t matter, he was doing it for her. 

Besides the performance and written exams, their final grade was also made up from the various performance pieces they had done throughout the year, Rae and Philip were being graded mostly on their writing instead.

Archie and Chloe had gotten the leads in the first play that Phil and Rae had written together, and they had agreed to kiss, making Phil very happy and Rae had to admit that having the kiss did make everything seem more fulfilled in the love story.  The play had been performed last week after a month of intensive rehearsals, and had actually been really good: the love story of Rhiannon and Peter, the characters Rae and Phil had created, was well received and they’d both already gotten their writing marks back: A+

Apparently Mr Roach had wanted to put Rae in the lead, but Elsa had stuck to her word that Rae could do the minimal amount of performance possible if she wrote and directed more.  Roach had sat Rae down and told her she could be an actress, that she was talented, he’d then told her that she wasn’t pretty enough as she was and needed to lose weight, but that once she’d done that – the sky was the limit.  Rae had walked away from the encounter in a bemused daze, and had to laugh when she realised just how far she’d come; if Roach had said that to her this time last year, she would have been an utter mess of tears and binge eating.  She told Finn and he was angry, of course, but relieved that she wasn’t taking it to heart; although s few weeks later she did tart to skip lunch and Finn wondered if this had affected her.  The biggest change in Rae after this conversation was that she became more interested in the performance side of things, almost as if to spite Ken Roach.  She was almost looking forward to doing the performance examination today.  As much as she could be when she was in such a foul mood.  She and Finn had not spoken another word to each other since the argument this morning.  He had merely continued to shadow her, silently.  She was almost resenting his presence, he was so pig-headed about it.  She had sat as far away from him as she could, Chloe sitting next to her giving Archie a glance.  Archie had sighed and ambled over to Finn, who looked as grumpy as ever.  Now they sat talking quietly in the hall, as each student was taken individually into the backstage area to do their monologue in privacy for their examination.  It was a large class and was going to take some time, then the group performances would be done, and they’d go to lunch. 

“You two fighting again?” Phillip leaned in to say it, so that Finn could not hear, although he could certainly see Phil’s closeness to Rae.  He narrowed his eyes and sucked his teeth moodily, grunting in response to Archie’s attempts to make conversation. 

“Is it that obvious?”  Rae grinned grimly and Phillip nodded.

“Seriously Rae, it looks like all you two do is fight…?” She could hear the tone in his voice, questioning why they were together.  And she supposed someone on the outside of the relationship, someone who didn’t get to see how Finn really was, would wonder that.  But Rae got to see private, secret parts of Finn, and she knew his worth.  Even if he was being a bit of a jerk at the moment.

“Archie says all we do is fight and fuck.”  She grinned.  “But that’s not true.  It’s just that the good moments we have tend to be private… and cos Finn’s so shit at hiding his bad moods, the bad moments tend to be public.”  Phillip considered this and decided not to comment.  He looked over to his bag and pulled out a book.  He saw Finn watching him and tried to ignore the glare.  He did, however, decide to raise his voice sightly so that Finn could hear him. 

“I remember you saying that you wanted to visit Egypt and that you loved Akhenaten.”  Phillip said as he passed her the book, “I thought you might wanna borrow this.”  Rae looked down at the book: ‘Akhenaten’ by Dorothy Porter.

“I’ve never heard of Dorothy Porter.”  Rae said as she turned the book over in her hands. 

“She’s an Australian poet.  Elsa recommended her when I said I had a hankering for something new and interesting in poetry.”  Rae grinned and opened the book, “I know how much you like poetry.”  Finn felt his back teeth with his tongue, an unimpressed glare on his face.

“Phillip up to his old tricks, I see.”  Archie muttered under his breath to Finn, marvelling at Phil’s nerve.  “He’s not gonna give up is he?”

“Why would he?”  Finn answered moodily, “I wouldn’t.”  He looked at the light in Rae’s eyes as she read the first page, “Why didn’t I think to get her something like that?” 

“This is brilliant.”  Rae breathed as she drank in the poetry, a pleased grin spreading over Phil’s face as Finn shook his head, Archie detected a sense of defeat from Finn and was surprised by that. 

“You give her other stuff.”  Archie tried to comfort.

“He’s better suited to her.”  Finn said softly, making sure no one else could hear. 

“Why would you say something like that?”  Archie asked with an incredulous look.

“I dunno.”  Finn shook his head, “Cos he is.”

“Finn you’ve never been like this.”  Archie said, “What’s-”

“I know.”  He answered testily.  “It’s like… I can’t even explain it.”  He sighed, “I can handle that Josh looks at her tits most o’ the lesson.”  Archie looked over at Josh and sure enough he was looking at Rae’s breasts, “I don’t mind that Mike wants to fuck her.”  He shrugged, “But Phillip makes me fucking blood boil.”  He furrowed his brows, “And I figured it out Archer.  It’s cos he’s better than me.  The other guys aren’t.”  He pulled at the cuticles around his nails, “I keep thinking that he’d make her happier than me and I don’t really know why.”

“I do.”  Archie said, “It’s because you love Rae so much, and you think she’s so perfect, and you know you’re imperfect… so you wonder why she’s with you when right there,”  Archie nodded in Phil’s direction subtlety, “there’s a lad who’s similar to you in some ways… except for the ways in which doubt yourself.  In those ways you think he’s better than you.”

“Well he’s smarter than me.”  Finn agreed.

“I don’t think so.”  Archie answered honestly, “he gets better grades but grades don’t mean you’re smart, they just mean you’re good at school work.”  Archie looked Finn in the eye, “You got your own intelligence Finn, don’t worry about his.”  

“I don’t know why I’m like this Archie.”  Finn furrowed his brown, “You know when she broke up with me, I asked her what I’d done wrong.”  Archie had seen multiple break ups with Finn, usually he was dumping the girl, the one time it had been the other way he’d asked the girl what was wrong and then shrugged at her answer and said alright.  “I been asking myself the same question ever since… even though she says it weren’t me.  She’s so perfect Arch, I don’t wanna lose her.”

“You think she’s better than you.”  Archie shook his head.

“Aye.”  Finn saw Archie’s incredulous face and shook his head, “You think Tom’s better than you.”

“Well that’s different.”  Archie answered.

“How?”

“I…”  Archie stopped.  It wasn’t.  “And Chop thinks Izzy is better than him.”  Archie added. 

“Does he?”

“I think so.”  Archie shrugged, “But I don’t think it bothers him like it does us.  I think he just thanks his lucky stars and doesn’t think on it past that.”

“It bothers you then?”

“A little.”  Archie frowned, “but I talk to Tom whenever I feel shite about anything at all and he’s real good about it.”  Archie looked at Finn, “you talk to Rae about it?”

“A little.  But not heaps cos it’s so stupid you know?”

“Talk to her.”  Archie commanded.  But Finn gave a look that indicated he probably wouldn’t.  “That girl loves you Finn, stopping being a knob head!”

“Aye.”  Finn answered with a sad look over at Rae, “Then why do we fight so much?”

“Cos you’re both as equally as strong and stubborn.”  Archie said, “And you’re still figuring out how to deal with that.  It’ll come.”  Archie answer sagely, “You’ll get there.”  Finn looked over at Rae, half of him knew Archie was right, but half of him worried that he might be wrong. 

“So Chloe.”  Phillip said in a friendly tone, Finn watched as Chloe smiled at him happily, “I hear you’re on the lookout for a lad?”

“Who told you that?”  She asked with a small laugh.

“Vicki.”  Phil pulled a face.

“Of course!”  Chloe shook her head and shot Stacey a look.  But Stacey was lying on the floor reading over her monologue, completely disinterested in all of them.  “I bet she didn’t say it as nicely as you did.”  Chloe laughed.

“No, I’m afraid not.”  He agreed, “But if you are on the lookout, I could play wingman.”  He grinned, “Cos you’re me tennis partner!”  Chloe laughed and both Finn and Rae noticed her pulling gently at her hair and leaning forward towards him.  Rae sat back slightly so that they could see each other and shot Finn a surprised grin before remembering she was angry at him and looked away.

“Well Chlo, if you’re gonna pick someone from the pool of lads at school, you gotta have a hottie!”  Rae put in and Phil laughed.

“Right so what’s the school consensus on hot guys?”  He asked genuinely.

“Well Finn’s still the fittest lad in school. So…” Chloe pulled a face to indicate he was not an option.  Finn was still pulling an unimpressed face when three sets of eyes appraised him.  Phil, jealously, Rae, angry but still adoring, and Chloe, unreadable.  He shrugged in response.

‘What does that even mean?”  Finn said with an unimpressed face and Archie scoffed beside him, shaking his head.

“I’ve heard Finn, that you can drop a girl’s knickers from a hundred yards with the power of your face alone.”  Archie laughed.  Finn gave him a pained look and his eyes went back to Rae, she was looking away.  This argument was going to last forever, he could just feel it, and this kind of stuff never helped. 

“Yeah but I hear Hot Mike is catching up.”  Chloe countered Archie. 

“God Hot Mike could drop my knickers!”  Archie joked and everyone laughed.  Except Stacey, who was still focused on her monologue.  Mike was tall with dark hair and dark eyes and glorious olive skin.

“Yes I’d have him if I had too!”  Chloe joked.  Rae laughed and nodded and Finn narrowed his eyes and sucked his teeth thinking that Rae actually could have him if she wanted.  He found that the thought didn’t bother him as much as Phil giving Rae a book did.  It was Phil.  Phil was the problem. 

“Who’s in third place?”  Sam asked curiously.

“Ah well the consensus amongst the girls has recently shifted over the past 5 months or so.”  Chloe answered and shot a glance over to Phil who was looking at his hands, and then she looked at Rae with a questioning look.  Rae shrugged and then slowly nodded, answering her silent question. 

“Oh yeah?”  Sam prodded.

“Yes it used to be Archie.”  Archie, not fussed that the girls no longer thought he was cute, gave a pretend bow, from his sitting position, “But now Phillip is in third.”  Chloe continued clearly, and Phil looked up at her suddenly.

“Pardon?”  He asked with a bewildered look on his face and Finn hated that humbleness, that un-affected air he had: he was genuinely unaware of how attractive girls thought he was.  Even Finn had noticed girls starting to look at Phillip. 

“So it’s Fit Finn, Hot Mike… and…?”  Archie asked.

“Not just fit Finn.”  Chloe said, “Fit Finn, King Finn, Stunning Finn, Magnetic Finn…”  Chloe thought and Rae picked up where she left off;

“Gorgeous Finn, Sexy Finn, Handsome Finn, Arousing Finn…”  Finn started to blush and looked away, part of him was savagely pleased that Phil had to hear all of this, but mostly he found it ridiculous and embarrassing.

“Knicker-dropping Finn, Lick-pole Finn-” Chloe continued.

“Lick-pole?”  Archie laughed.

“Hunk o’ man meat Finn…”  Chloe laughed.

“Suave Finn,” Rae started to list them off on her fingers, “Heavenly Finn, delicious Finn, dishy Finn…”

“Pussy-slayer Finn, Big-cock Finn, sex toy Finn…”  Chloe added and Rae shook her head with a slight grin

“Sweet Finn,” she took the tone back up a notch and Chloe laughed, “Perfect Finn, rated 11 Finn, rated X Finn…”

“Don’t forget delectable Finn!”  Chloe added, “And beautiful Finn, panty-soaker Finn, cun-”

“Alright.”  Finn said uncomfortably and Phil noticed that.  Everyone else was chuckling except for Finn and Phil.  And Stacey. 

“Alright, so you got… Finn, king shit over here,” Sam laughed, “and then Hot Mike… What’s Phil’s name?”  Phil looked away, not sure he wanted to know. 

“Steamy Phil.”  Rae answered.

“Steamy?”  Phil sounded appalled and shook his head.

“Where’d that come from?’  Archie asked and Finn shot him a dirty look that he ignored. 

“Lucy Randall saw Phil in the showers in the change rooms by accident.”  Rae answered and Phil’s jaw dropped.  

“She’s new and she walked in there thinking it were the girl’s change room!”  Chloe laughed, “She said you was having a very hot, steamy shower all alone and you’re all covered in muscles and that your… business was worth frequenting.”  Chloe said suggestively, her eyes dropping to Phil’s lap.  Rae laughed as Phil’s jaw dropped even further. 

“I can’t believe it.”  He looked away, too astounded to even blush yet and not sure how he felt at all about the girls talking about him like that.  Finn rolled his eyes at the way Rae and Chloe giggled together and Archie was even chuckling.  Archie noticed the look Finn was giving him and stopped laughing instantly and looked down demurely at his shoes.  Finn looked back at Rae with a grim look, he saw her eyes on him and his stomach churned.  He could see she was still angry at him, but he wasn’t backing down. 

“Do girls ever try to rate the boys on personality?”  Phil asked, still taken aback by being called steamy, and being seen naked by a girl.  He didn’t even know what to think.

“You can’t rub one out to a personality.”  Chloe shot at him and Rae laughed loudly, Phil blushed and lowered his eyes. 

“Be thankful they don’t.”  Finn answered meaningfully and Phil narrowed his eyes at him.

“You know Finn, you must have a real small dick, cos at least half of it ended up in your personality.”  He snarked at Finn and Rae’s jaw dropped.  Chloe made a scoffing sound and Sam started to laugh.  Archie tensed up, ready to hold Finn back if he had to.  Finn could be a little hot-headed sometimes. 

“Still bigger than yours.”  Finn shot back unaffected.  “And I’d still be ranked higher on personality too.”  He added with a shrug and a look that said ‘I’ll always be superior to you Phil.’  Rae looked over at Finn as she closed her mouth slowly, the shock of Phil’s insult still fresh.  Finn could see that her anger at him had softened and he took the chance to give her a small smile.  She didn’t return it, but she didn’t look away either.  Phil shook his head, letting it go, still too confused by all the talk of ‘Steamy Phil.’

“You’re rated the fittest girl in school Chloe.”  Sam said and Phillip nodded once, clearly embarrassed that he knew this, when Chloe turned to him for confirmation.  “So really you should be dating Finn.”  Chloe grinned slowly.  ”But I don’t wanna date Finn.”  She answered, “I’m more of hot Mike, steamy Phil sort of a girl.”  Rae took Chloe’s hand and squeezed it firmly in thanks; she had handled that well. 

“Plus I’m going out with Rae.”  Finn said firmly and Sam looked at him as if he’d forgotten that.

“That’s right.”  He said and nodded.  Phil was starting to blush now and he put his hand up to his chest, still surprised by the whole conversation. 

“Sam Mendes.”  Elsa called from backstage.

“Oh fuck.”  Sam said and jumped up as a student left the backstage area having finished their monologue. 

“Break a leg Sam!”  Rae said and the others wished him luck too.  Phil had heard Chloe said that she was more interested in him than Finn, and he found his eyes resting on the side of Rae’s face, wondering if she could ever do the same. 

The conversation continued, and ended up on plans for the next school year before Rae was called up.  Finn sat up straighter, wanting to wish her luck and she noticed that.  He reached up a hand to her and she took it momentarily, their argument not forgotten, but put aside in this moment.  He smiled supportively.

“Knock ‘em dead Mrs Nelson.”  He said genuinely and she nodded with a small affectionate grin.  Finn kissed her fingers before letting her hand go, he watched her leave as Sam came back with a huge relieved grin on his face.  Phil watched that moment of affection between them, even amidst an argument they took this time for each other; yes the relationship was far more solid than he’d thought and Finn wasn’t the caveman he sometimes seemed to be.  Phil saw Rae go backstage and looked back over at Finn.  He got up and crossed the small circle their group had made, sitting down in front of Finn he took his notepad out and wrote down something from memory.  Finn was giving him a ‘what the fuck are you doing’ look, but Phillip ignored it. 

“Did Rae tell you what happened outside of the art centre?”  Finn nodded, “All of it?”  Finn furrowed his brows.

“What happened?”  He asked.

“There were four guys in a car.  They…” Phillip didn’t want to repeat what they’d said, his eyes slipped to Stacey and Finn understood, Phillip lowered his eyes and scooted closer so that no one but Finn could hear him, “They called her a fat bitch Finn.”  He said softly.

“I’ll fucking kill them.”  Finn breathed in fury. 

“I wanted to kill them.”  Phil answered in understanding.  Finn looked up at him and nodded slowly, acknowledging the shared emotion, even if Phil had no right to be feeling it. 

“Then they threw the coke can at her.”  He held up the piece of paper, “That’s their number plate.”  Finn looked at the piece of paper, “I figure if both of us are looking for it, there’s more chance it’ll get found.”  Finn nodded and took the piece of paper.  “If you find the car, promise me you’ll fuck it up.”  Phil asked.  Finn knew why Rae hadn’t told him all of this.  She didn’t want to give him another one of her fights.  He was actually thankful for Phil in this moment. 

“The car and anyone in it.”  Finn answered.

“Good.”  Phillip replied.

“You too?”  Finn asked, curious as to how far Phil would go for Rae.

“I don’t know how I’ll go with hitting people.”  Phil said regretfully, “But I’ll certainly fuck up the car.”

“Thanks for this.”  Finn held up the piece of paper, “It’s very decent of you.”

“You know it’s all for her.”

“Aye.”  Finn looked down and thought for a moment, “In different circumstances, we might have been mates, you might have been with her… who knows.”  Finn said softly, “but you’re not with her, and we’re not mates.  So you need to back the fuck off Phil.”  He looked at the piece of paper, “this is decent of you.  But know your place as her friend, and keep your dick in your fucking pants.” 

“Yeah alright.”  Phillip dismissed him.

“You’re starting to provoke Neanderthal Finn again alright?  Back the fuck off her!” 

“I just gave you the number plate-”

“And I said that were decent.”  Finn said, “But you wanting to fuck up people for her… you giving her thoughtful gifts… you looking at her all the fucking time.  Don’t think I don’t fucking notice.”  Finn said aggressively, “She not your girl, you don’t get to defend her or rescue her.  Or stare at her the way you do… sometimes you eye-fuck her.  And I’ll knock your fucking face in the next time I see it.”  Phillip looked at him defiantly, “Understand?” 

“You still don’t own her.”  Phillip retorted angrily and Archie’s ears perked up, “And she still hasn’t told me no.  So why don’t you back the fuck up?”  Phil said as he got up, “stop acting like she’s your possession.”  Phil turned around and Finn watched him leave with a satisfied grin.

“Happy?”  Archie asked him, unimpressed.

“Much happier now.”  Finn looked down at the number plate Phil had given him.  He shoved the piece of paper in his pocket and turned to Archie to chat, ignoring Phillip completely. 

Chloe came over and sat in front of him, much the same way Phil had and Finn gave her a guarded look.

“Oh get over yourself Finn, I haven’t wanted you for weeks.”  Chloe answered his look.  “Why are you being such a dick to Rae?” 

“Why don’t you cut straight to the point Chloe?”  Finn sniped, shaking his head and she shrugged unrepentantly.  “I’m not being a dick.”  He replied shortly. 

“You gonna keep her locked up for the rest o‘ her life cos o’ some twat?”  Phillip looked down and tried to read his monologue instead of hear what Chloe was saying.

“He’s not just some twat.  He broke into her house and nearly killed us both Chloe.”  Finn said in a hushed angry voice.  “Rae isn’t taking the threat of him returning seriously enough.”

“You’re wrong.”  Chloe said and Finn gave her a disbelieving glare, “And why is your opinion on the matter more important than hers?”  Chloe gave him a stern look, “you’re right Finn, he did break into HER house… and he sexually assaulted HER.  Don’t think for a second she’s not thinking about it.”  Chloe said the words so softly that no one but Finn heard them.  Finn looked away moodily, “do you really think shadowing her everywhere she goes does anything other than make her feel like a victim in waiting?”  Chloe asked gently. 

“I can’t leave her by herself Chloe.  If he-”

“Finn, she needs to feel strong enough to be alone with herself.”  Chloe said, “I understand that.”  She added gently, “She will never feel safe if she can’t handle spending time alone.”  Finn looked back at Chloe with doubt in his eyes.  “Trust me Finn.  She needs to be alone sometimes.  Her life will never return to normal if you don’t give her that.”

“He’s still out there.”  Finn said vulnerably.

“And I know how much that scares you.”  She took his hand and he flinched but didn’t pull away, “it scares me too.”  Chloe said choosing not to comment on his flinch.  “But why is my fear more important than hers?” Chloe said, “Or my way of dealing with her assault more important than hers?”

“It isn’t.”  Finn understood.

“Let her deal with this in her own way Finn.”  Chloe drove the point home.  “Cos this isn’t about you.  It’s about her.”  Finn nodded slowly.

“Thanks Chloe.”

“My pleasure pal.”  She smiled gently and went back to her spot, “Wanna run that Phil?”  She asked and snatched his monologue from his hands.

“Yeah ok.”  Phillip grinned and started to recite his lines in a low voice, no emotion, just testing that he knew the lines.  Finn thought about the way Rae had looked when he’d finally caught up with her this morning.  Like someone had been chasing her.  Like memories had been chasing her.  He closed his eyes and laid back on the floor thinking about what Chloe had said.  He understood that he had been letting his own fears stop her from trying to put her life back together.  But he also knew that his fears were valid. 

_How do I put me own life back together?_

The thought came from nowhere.  And Finn added it to the mix of roiling emotions and thoughts inside of him.  The only thing he knew for sure was that he’d fucked up when he’d yelled at Rae this morning.  He didn’t want to be the kind of man that yelled at the people he loved. 

_Oh my fucking temper._

He sighed to himself. 

 

***

 

“Brilliant.”  Ken Roach beamed and Elsa and Jenny gave him a look.  They weren’t supposed to give any indication to the students how they’d be marked.  Jenny, sitting in the middle looked at Elsa and Elsa shook her head slowly, unimpressed. 

“You are absolutely brilliant Rae.”  He repeated.  “You really should be an actress.  And with a voice like yours, you really should be doing music.”

“I can’t read sheet music.”  Rae lied.  She could, just not very well.

“Oh that’s no bother, I could teach you in no time.”  Mr Roach beamed at her and Elsa rolled her eyes while Jenny wrote down some notes.  The three of them were marking each student from all of the performing arts strains: drama, dance and music. 

“You can go now Rae,” Jenny, the dance teacher, said kindly, before turning to Elsa and Ken “Right it’s time for a short break.”  Jenny said, “We’ve gotten through half of the students.  Who wants tea?” 

“I’m right.”  Elsa refused the tea but Ken and Jenny went to the teacher’s room to grab a quick cuppa.  Elsa stood up and went over to Rae as she started to head out.

“We’re finally starting up rehearsals for ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead’ soon.  You still in?”

“Yes.”  Rae answered, her increased confidence about performing clearly visible. 

“I noticed you’re getting more keen on performance.”  Elsa said with an expectant smile, “Can I get you to do more acting and less writing next year?”

“How about the same amount of writing, and a little more acting?”

“I’ll take that.”  Elsa smiled genuinely.  “You know you really are very good on stage, Ken’s not wrong.” 

“Thanks Elsa.”  Rae grinned happily, any praise from Elsa was good because she only gave out praise that was well earned.  Rae realised that she was a lot like Rhys in that regard and again wondered what had happened between them. 

“I’m serious Rae, you should give real thought to pursuing a career in acting.”  Rae opened her mouth to respond, but was too surprised by what Elsa had said to think of anything to say. 

“I think I’m gonna be a writer.”

“No reason you can’t be both.”

“Except fat girls can’t be actresses.”  Rae said before she realised she was going to say it.  She saw a mix of emotions cross Elsa’s face.

“I won’t deny that the industry is stupidly skewed toward thinness.  And I won’t pretend that it won’t be hard as a fat girl.  But who says fat girls can’t be actresses?  You gotta smash that notion Rae.”

“The industry says it.  So how would I get work as a fat actress?”

“By being better than everyone else.”  Rae scoffed at Elsa’s response.  “It’s always the way Rae.”  Elsa said with a thin smile, “If you don’t fit into the privileged group, you gotta be ten times better than them to just be heard.”  Elsa’s smile became genuine, “That’s you.  Eleven times better than them.  You could shine as an actress.” 

“I dunno Elsa.”

“The only useful thing my father ever taught me was about a metaphorical experiment on monkeys.”  Elsa crossed her arms over her stomach when she mentioned her father and Rae noticed that.  It was nice that Elsa had issues with her father too, it made Rae feel closer to her.  “It goes like this.  Ten chimpanzees are put in plain room with nothing in it but a flat top pyramid.  They’re left to their own devices; form a little society.  The alpha male loves the top of the pyramid.”  Elsa watched Rae closely, to make sure she was taking it in, “One day, when the monkeys are all on the floor, the scientist put some bananas on top of the pyramid.  Bananas are a highly prized food and all of the chimps rush to the pyramid to climb to the top to get the bananas.  But the scientists have electrified the pyramid.  All the chimps are really hurt.  A few of them try more than once, but mostly, they all learn the lesson quickly: you can’t have the bananas.”  Elsa shifted her weight and took a breath, “So what do you think happens?”

“No one gets a banana.”  Rae said confused, “I have to somehow overcome the electricity to get my banana?”  Rae thought she had the moral of the story.

“That’s true.”  Elsa grinned.

“But we’re not monkeys Elsa.  We’re people.”

“That’s also true, but we did evolve from a common ancestor and we do share over 90% of our DNA with them.”

“Really?”  Rae asked, “Fuck…”

“You’re doing biology Rae.”  Elsa responded with a disbelieving look. 

“Yeah but we’re doing evolution next year.”  Rae answered embarrassed. 

“Alright.”  Elsa smiled slowly, “Anyway, that’s only the first moral of the story, because the tale doesn’t end there.”  Elsa cleared her throat, “after the scientists were sure the monkeys had learned the lesson, they removed the bananas.  And took one monkey out and replaced it with a new monkey.  They let everything settle down and return to normal.  Then they put another bunch of bananas on top of the pyramid.”

“Scientists are real dicks.”  Rae said in a serious tone.

“Sometimes.”  Elsa agreed chuckling, “Only the new monkey went to rush up the pyramid to get the bananas.  But the others stopped her.  They beat her down and told her in monkey language that it was dangerous to go for the banana.”

“So the old monkeys taught the new one?”

“Yep.”  Elsa agreed.  “And so once the new monkey had learned that lesson, life returned to normal.  The scientists removed one of the original monkeys and put in another new one.” 

“Utter dicks.”  Rae grinned.

“And when they put the bananas on the pyramid, the new one went to go for them, and everyone stopped him.  Even the other new monkey that had never been electrified, she’d just been told by the other’s how bad it was.” 

“Did this experiment really happen?”

“I dunno, but the point I’m gonna make stands, even if it didn’t happen ok?”  Rae nodded in reply, “the scientists kept doing this until none of the original monkeys were left in the room.  What do you think they were like when the bananas were put on top of the pyramid every day?”

“They wouldn’t go for them because they’d been taught by the others not to.”

“That’s right.  They hadn’t even experienced being electrified.”  Elsa told her with a smile that told Rae the point was coming now, “They’d just inherited the fears of those that came before them.”  Rae took that in and felt a strange sensation spread through her mind.  Had she inherited the fears of her mother?  “The most interesting thing about this Rae, is that when the dick scientists introduced the first new monkey, they turned off the electricity.”

“So they could have gotten the banana.”  Rae said slowly.

“Things change.  Society changes… but we still all have the same old fears.”

“Fears of things that might not even happen.”  Rae felt understanding settle in the pit of her stomach.

“Might not even be an issue any more… And even if they are… even if shit happens…  Like you said Rae, you gotta find a way around the electricity to get your banana.”  Elsa gave her an enigmatic smile, “You can’t let fear, yours or anyone else’s hold you back Rae.  Sure you might get hurt, but you gotta try, or you’ll never get your banana!”  Rae laughed at the idea of herself holding a banana triumphantly above her head.

“Alright.”  She said with a grin.

“Give acting a bit of a think yeah?”

“I will.”  Rae said honestly.

“Alright piss off.”  Elsa said and turned back to the table.  Rae went back out to her group and sat down next to Chloe.

“You were gone a long time.”  Archie said.  Rae noticed Finn’s eyes on her, clearly wanting to ask her how she went, if she was ok, why had she been so long…?  She could see his desire to speak with her and gifted him a small smile that he returned; the feeling that their argument might come to an end soon sunk into both of them

“Yeah had a bit of a chat with Elsa.”  Rae shrugged.

“What about?”  Phillip asked.

“Monkeys.”  Rae grinned, “Turns out we both like monkeys.”  Finn gave her a strange look but she just laughed at the confusion on everyone’s face, “They’re having a quick break.”  She turned to Chloe, “I saw your name next on the list babe.”  Chloe thanked Rae for the heads up and looked over her monologue in silence, while Rae considered what Elsa had said in earnest.

 

[ _ ‘Pepper’ by Butthole Surfers _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO8vBVUaKvk)

Their group scene went really well, and Rae could tell from the general chit chat afterwards, that theirs was the only group scene that had gone off without a hitch, other people had frozen or dropped a line and apparently Josh had gotten the giggles.  Candace was furious because he cued most of her lines. 

“Ok, so after the summer break, half of you will be gone and we’ll have some fresh meat.”  Elsa said to the class before they milled out.  “I’ll miss you guys, have a great life.  You can go.”  She grinned as the second year students started to leave, Archie hanging around with Rae, Finn and Chloe, “For those of us left here, the regional drama competitions await.  Rae, Phillip, Candace, Josh, and yes Sam and Izzy will be able to go to Lincoln for the competition, you’ll be gone overnight.”  There was a general excitement for Izzy’s return and the 6 chosen actors grinned, Josh was a second year student, but he’d agreed to hang around for the competition, Rae shot a look over at Finn who looked unimpressed.  “You’ll be there on the Monday and Tuesday of the second week of term 1.”  Rae and Finn shared a look, Finn sucking his teeth and shaking his head.  “I’ll give you guys some permission slips and payment details on the way out.  Now the comedy duologues will be performed on the Wednesday and Thursday of the same week, also in Lincoln.”  Elsa looked over her notes, “Which means that you Sam, will be away from school for a couple of extra days, because yours and Amy’s duologue got in.”  Elsa grinned at them and Amy looked pleased.  Rae sighed, annoyed that Amy was only a first year; she’d have to put up with her next year.  “Our lovely twins are also going.”  Elsa grinned up at Kristi and Kurt Callahan.  “Loved the whole parents still mixing you up as young adults thing.  It’s a great example of using something you know in your life to create art.”  Rae looked over at Kristi and smiled.  She was new to the school and had been worried about making a joke that she and her brother looked way too alike; worried that people would think she looked like a man.  And then Rae had pointed out to her that the reason she looked like her brother was because he was so damn pretty and that Kristi herself was possibility too pretty for words.  With those words in her ears, Kristi had written one of the funniest duologues Rae had ever seen and Kurt hadn’t minded playing up the fact that he was so pretty, because he knew he was popular with the girls; fourth on the list at the school after King Finn, Hot Mike, Steamy Phillip, then Pretty Kurt.  Rae had nearly choked watching them perform their duologue, she’d laughed that hard; they were going to win this competition hands down. 

“Last duologue is Finn and Rae.  So you’ll be there a bit longer like Sam.”  Elsa said to Rae and Finn felt a surge of surprise go through him.  He’d never been picked to represent the school at anything that wasn’t sport related.  He looked over at Rae, who was beaming at him, and felt a bewildered grin on his face.  Archie smacked his back.

“Becoming an over-achiever Finlay.”  Archie joked and Finn turned to him with a surprised look and then shook his head.

“I’m just on Rae’s coat tails.”  He said, but inside he knew it wasn’t true, he’d written half of that duologue, and he’d had to perform it successfully with her; he’d earned this.  Finn didn’t know how to feel about that, and he took his permission slip and payment details from Elsa numbly.

“I don’t need this.”  He handed back the permission note and Elsa nodded; Finn was over 18 now, he didn’t need his parents to sign for him.  But he took the payment options slip and looked over the costs.  His dad wold be so stoked he’d pay for this without a thought.  Rae’s mum might have a little more trouble coming up with the money though.  Finn looked up from the letter to see Phillip give Rae a hug, say a few words and leave.  He could see why Rae would tell him that it was no different to the hugs she gave Chop or Archie, and he wouldn’t be able to explain to her how it was more like the early hugs he’d given her; charged with sexual undercurrents. 

“Fucking Phil.”  He mumbled and walked over to Rae, who was now chatting with Chloe.

“D’you know blue, I won’t be sorry to be leaving.”  Stacey said to Rae as she got to the door. “I won’t have to see your fat arse anymore.”  Rae rolled her eyes.

“And I won’t have to hear fucking Backstreet Boys in the common room anymore.  I think we both know who’s really winning here.”  Stacey gave her a dirty look and left. 

“Blue?”  Finn asked before kissing Rae’s cheek softly, his hand sliding happily up and down her back. 

“It’s the nick-name Simmy ended up giving me.”  Rae said with a shrug. 

“Well that ended up being relatively painless.”  Archie was surprised. 

“Yeah but what does blue mean?’  Chloe asked, “You know it’s got a meaning, coming from that dick-wad.”  Chloe said with an annoyed tone. 

“Maybe like blue-veined cheese.”  Archie said, “So he thinks you taste bad… or you’re stinky.”  Archie mused.

“I don’t know what blue means and I don’t care.”  Rae answered. 

“Blue whale.”  Josh said as he neared them.  “It means blue whale.”  Josh shook his head, “Stacey helped him choose it cos blue whales are the biggest animal to have ever lived on the earth, even bigger than dinosaurs.”  Josh looked embarrassed, “I told him to shut the fuck up.  I’m sorry Rae, you’re a top bird… you don’t deserve that shite.”  He gave Finn a quick look and left. 

“Just ignore it Rae.”  Chloe said instantly and Rae looked down, wishing that Finn’s hand wasn’t on her back, right where that fat roll was.  The one that Saul had squeezed.  She pulled away from Finn suddenly, not able to make eye contact with anyone.

“I just gotta go to the bathroom.”  She mumbled before taking off, Finn watched her disappear into the disabled toilet with a deeply concerned look on his face. 

“How do we fix it?”  Archie asked.

“Tell her it’s not true.”  Chloe said.

“Yeah but she’s heard that a thousand times.”  Archie complained.  Finn’s mind should be racing with ways to fix it but instead it was still… he seemed to already have an idea.  He shoved his bag in Archie’s hands.

“Back in a sec.”  He bolted off.  They watched him leave, utterly perplexed.

“D’you sometimes feel vastly underqualified as the best friend to these two Chlo?”

“All the time.”  Chloe shook her head.

It only took a few minutes for Finn to re-appear with a book under his arm.

“She still in there.”  It was more a statement than a question.  They nodded and he knocked on the door.

“Rae, let me in.”  He said in a commanding voice that surprised both Chloe and Archie.  He shrugged at them, “can’t plead with her when she like this.”  He told them.  The door was unlocked and Finn took his bag from Archie.

“Meet you at the table.”  He said and entered the toilet, locking it behind him without waiting for an answer.  He looked at Rae, she was leaning over the sink, staring at the mirror.  “Alright girl?”  He asked her and she shrugged.  He sat down on the lidded toilet and watched her.  “You’re thinking that you know you’re fat but you’re not the fattest, right?”  Rae turned her eyes to him.  “Amongst other less nice things.”  She shrugged sullenly, a tear slipping down her face.  Finn gave her a small smile, “I hate seeing you like this.”  He looked down at the book he’d retrieved from the science rooms.  He’d seen it the last time he’d been in there.  He opened it up and skimmed through the index to find the pages he wanted.  He skipped forward to the right spot and started to read from it, “The blue whale… I’m not saying the Latin name.”  He shook his head and grinned at her, he saw a slight grin on her lips.  “Is a marine mammal.”  He skimmed the paragraph, “it’s a baleen whale… whatever the fuck that is.”  Rae smiled at the way he read the book to her, she couldn’t help it, “its 30 metres long and 170 tonnes.”  Finn shook his head, “what a sight that would be.  “It’s the largest existing animal and the heaviest to have ever existed.”  He continued reading without looking up at her, “the blue whale’s body is long and slender.”  He looked up at Rae, “various shades of blue and grey.”  He continued and then looked back down, “pretty much only eats krill, which is some of the smallest marine animals.”  He pulled a face, “krill.”  He repeated,  “they were hunted to near extinction and there’s only 5 groups of them left… they number at most 12,000 animals, whereas they used to live in groups of hundreds of thousands.”  He looked up at Rae, “they’re very rare it seems.”  He looked back down at the book, “I’m sure you don’t care that their flippers are 4 meters long and they’ve got two blowholes…” He grinned but kept reading, “They got a lung capacity of 5,000 litres.”  He said, “And they can swim up to 50 kilometres an hour!”  He looked impressed, “its tongue weighs 2.7 tonnes, which is like the weight of an elephant!  And even though it’s got a big mouth, its throat can’t swallow anything bigger than a beach ball.”  Rae felt herself becoming increasingly interested, “its heart weighs 600 kilograms.  Wow…”  Finn read on, skipping the less interesting things, “a baby blue whale puts on 90 kilos a day by drinking 400 litres of milk every day.”  He suddenly laughed, “This is what I like to hear; the blue whale has the largest penis of any living animal!  About 3 metres!”

“Holy fuck.”  Rae laughed. 

“They breach the water.”  Finn showed her a picture of a whale leaping half out of the water, “that’s fucking impressive.”  He marvelled, “it takes 10 years for them to start breeding, and they probably live till they’re 80.”  He looked up at her and saw the interest in her eyes, “They sing.”  He told her, “Not as much as humpbacks… but they do sing.”  He smiled, “They are thought to form close attachments, perhaps even lifelong ones.” 

“Oh right?”  Rae grinned.

“And this sounds about right; they’re the loudest animal on the planet.”  Rae laughed, “They can hear each other over distances of 1, 600 kilometres.

“I don’t think even I could manage that Finn.”

“I dunno…”  Finn pulled a face and she hit his arm.  They laughed, “Orcas and sharks attack them to try and eat them.  And it’s thought that they feel emotions like love and gratitude.”  Finn handed her the opened book, “Look at how beautiful they are.”  Rae didn’t look at the book, she kept her eyes on Finn, “The point is Rae; yeah they’re big.  And I wanna add that being big is not a bad thing.”  He added meaningfully, “They’re big and also beautiful and fascinating… there’s a lot more to them than that one thing.”  He said honestly, “I quite like them, you know.”  Rae looked down at the open pages of the heavy tome.  “Magnificent right?”  Finn asked her as she looked at them, “Makes you wonder how something so spectacular could come into existence?  And how humans could be so fucking stupid as to nearly wipe them out?  People just don’t realise the worth of stuff… of other people.”

“Alright.”  Rae said softly, “good job Finn.”  She smiled at him.  “I suppose there’s worse things to be called.” 

“Yeah like Stacey or Simmy.”  Finn answered and Rae shook her head and grinned.

“Don’t even suggest it.  It’s too big an insult!”  They shared a healing smile and then Finn decided to add his plan B into the mix even though his plan A had worked. 

“Plus you know, the top 3 guys all want you.”  He said with a grin.  “Gotta expect some backlash from the jealous ones.” 

“No they d-” Rae stopped.  Finn, obviously.  And Phillip, probably still yes.  But Mike?  “Not Mike.”  She corrected herself, “He said I was hot once, when he saw me half naked, that’s not the same as wanting someone.”

“He asks me how y’are every time I see him now.”  Rae looked away blushing. 

“That fucking modelling thing.”  She shook her head.  “You know Phillip might have been there.”  She said and Finn’s eyes narrowed.

“I didn’t see him.”

“How many people did you look at though?”

“Not many.”  Finn admitted, “That fucker.  I’m gonna flatten him.” 

“Finn.”  Rae said admonishing him, “it’s not his fault, he didn’t know I were gonna do that.”

“Yeah but a decent guy would have left under his circumstances.” 

“We don’t even know if he were there.”  Rae reminded him and sighed. 

“Listen Rae, don’t listen to Stacey and Simmy and all those fuckers.”  Finn said, “If they can look at this magnificent creature,” Finn said as he took the book back from her, “and only see that it’s big, I’m not sure that you can trust their opinion on anything you know?”

“Magnificent creature?”  Rae raised her eyebrows. 

“Well you are a bit of an animal in the sack.”  He grinned, “And also…” He lowered his eyes and put the book in his bag, “I wanted to apologise about this morning.”  Rae suddenly became serious and looked away.

“Oh aye?”  She asked in a small hurt voice.

“I know this doesn’t excuse it, but… I had a dream before that you was being killed by Saul, and when I woke up, you weren’t there.”  Rae looked over at him, her arms crossed over her chest tightly, but sympathy had crept into her eyes.

“What happened?”  She asked and he shook his head.

“I don’t wanna relive it Rae.”  He said softly, “it were…”  He looked up at her, “vivid.”  He said with real pain, “and detailed, I could feel the warmth of your blood.”  His eyes were bruised with emotion, “It were so real.”  He took a slow deep breath.  “It’s no excuse but.”

“Finn…”  She wanted to say something comforting but he stopped her.

“You have nightmares Rae and you don’t treat me like that.”  He shook his head, “It’s no excuse and I’m sorry.” 

“I dream that he kills you.”  She said honestly, she also dreamed of what would have happened if Finn hadn’t showed up when he did.  She dreamed of waking up in a darkened room, of being tied up, of being unable to stop him.  She dreamed of his breath on her skin, his hands on her… She dreamed of being cut, of being penetrated with knives and parts of him, his fingers, his penis… She woke up in terror more often than she didn’t.  But she didn’t want to think about any of it.  She wouldn’t let it take over her life. 

“I know.”  He said softly, acutely aware of her nightmares.

“It kills me.”  She said softly.  “I think we’re both still healing mentally you know?”  Finn nodded.

“And that’s why… I’m not gonna back down Rae.”  He saw the disappointed look on her face and smiled encouragingly, “but I am gonna compromise.”  He added, “So the rules are, Miss Earl,” he said in a voice that indicated he was not messing with her, he would not argue on this, “You have to tell me where you’re going and how long you’ll be.”  He said sternly, “but if you need time to be alone… then ok.”  He took her hand, “Just tell me first, so I don’t have a fucking heart attack.  Alright?”

“Alright.”  She agreed.

“Wake me up before you go jogging, and tell me how long you’ll be.”  He said earnestly, “I don’t wanna control what you do, I just need to know you’re ok.” 

“Alright Finn.’ 

“So we alright?”  She loved that he always sounded so vulnerable and urgent when they were making up, as if it were still in question that it would happen.

“We’re alright.” 

“Let’s eat.”  He stood up and Rae kissed him deeply and with unexpected passion. 

“You know… we are in here…”  Rae said suggestively and Finn grinned.

“I would normally say god yes woman I’ll have you.”  He kissed her, “But I want you well fed and ready for your drama written.”  And she sighed.

“You’re right.” 

They walked hand in hand to the lunch table.  Chloe and Archie looked up with expectant eyes. 

“I see all is right with the world?”  Archie noted and Rae smiled.

“Yeah I’m good.  And bricking it about me drama written.”  Rae grinned and Finn tugged her hair softly.  She liked that he did it.  It was like a little boy with a crush on a little girl.  He just took a lock between his thumb and forefinger and tugged it gently every now and then, and when she turned to look at him, he’d always have a devastatingly beautiful and cheeky grin on his face.  This time was no different. 

They ate and chatted, thinking of plans for the summer holidays.  Macca walked across the grass to them and nodded hello before approaching.

“Alright?”  He got nods from everyone but Archie, who looked down and fidgeted with his fingers.  Finn lit up a cigarette, glad he could smoke out here now, he was over 18, and for the past two months he’d been flaunting that as often as he could.  He’d cut back the amount of cigarettes he’d let himself smoke in a day and noticed an improvement when running, but he didn’t want to quit; he liked smoking.  Just like he liked drinking and doing drugs occasionally.  He just had to find the right balance. 

“Nelson, was wondering if you’re repeating PE next year?”

“No I passed it.”  Finn answered Macca and Macca nodded as if Finn was stupid.

“Uh huh, so did I… but since I gotta be here again, I figured I might do it again.”  Macca already knew he’d failed maths and he needed it for the degree he wanted, or rather for the degree his father wanted him to do: engineering.  Finn considered this.

“Get to play the AFL match again.”  He grinned and Macca nodded.

“Now you’re getting it.”  Macca grinned.

“I got a full schedule already, but I’ll think about it.”

“Alright.”  He cleared his throat awkwardly and his eyes flitted to Archie and back to Finn.  “I just wanted to let you know that I’m not gonna have contact with Simmy after he graduates.  I’m already not really his mate anymore, but I’m gonna cut all ties.  He’s a right wanker.”  Archie looked up at him, “Sorry about what happened before Archer.”  Archie shrugged and looked down at the table.

“He’s been doing a good job o’ not being seen.”  Finn commented stiffly.  He still intended to knock the shit out of Simmy the first chance he got. 

“I’m surprised at that.”  Macca said, “He keeps saying he’s gonna kill you Finn.”  Finn scoffed.

“Why?”  Rae asked, outraged.

“I dunno.”  Macca shrugged, “I guess he blames Finn for me not being his mate anymore.  And a lot o’ people tell him to shut up about Arch and you Rae, and Chlo, when he gets going.  He blames Finn for it.”

“So he’s gonna kill you Finn cos you encourage people to be decent.”  Archie said scathingly, “What a fucking knob.”

“Look who’s popular Finn.”  Chloe joked and Finn shrugged indifferently. 

“Right, well I’m gonna head off.  Hope to see you in PE next year Nelson.”  Macca turned and jogged off.

The rest of the lunch break went by too quickly and before Rae knew it Finn was kissing her passionately at the door to the classroom where she’d sit her performing arts written exam.  He held her to him, kissing her so deeply that they didn’t notice students milling past them, Phillip went past, with a look halfway between repulsed and longing.  He started to let her go, their foreheads touching. 

“What are you gonna do while I’m in there?”

“Sit right here and wait for you.”  He said honestly. 

“It’s three hours Finn.”  He shrugged and she shook her head fondly, “I got a couple o’ books in me bag.”  She handed it to him and took her pencil case out of it, “In case you wanna read something.”  They kissed again and she groaned sulkily when she had to go in.  Finn gave Elsa a small nod as she came to the door to close it and he couldn’t help but notice how good she looked.  That was normal with Elsa but; if you were human you noticed her.  Archie even joked about going straight for her when she had a particularly good day and he’d decided she must have magic pheromones or something.  He put her from his mind quite easily and slid down the wall opposite the door, sitting with his knees up he rummaged through Rae’s bag and pulled out the first book he found.

‘Akhenaten’ by Dorothy Porter.  He shook his head and narrowed is eyes.

“Fucking Phillip.”  He popped the last ‘p’ in Phillip’s name as he muttered to himself and turned the book over in his hands to read the back cover.  He opened it up.  “Fucking poetry.”  He mumbled, but he found it easy to read, even though he was sure he was missing some of the metaphors and subtleties, he understood enough to follow the story of the rogue Pharaoh.  The poem ‘Malkata’ made him long for his mother and he was surprised; he’d never had a connection with poetry before.  There were several poems about Akhenaten’s relationship with his mother, and Finn felt a tug at his insides when he read them.  When he came to the poem ‘My White Queen’ he thought of Rae instantly: ‘My wife wears a fighter’s crown as she sings beside me… Her cheek at my shoulder but her teeth in my heart.’  Again Finn was amazed by how much of a chord this struck with him.  And the sex poem ‘Nefertiti rides me’ could have been describing the way Rae rid him.  Finn devoured the book, forgetting that this was from Phil to Rae.  The poems about Akhenaten’s wife made Finn think of Rae and he found himself grinning as he read about them growing closer, having children and ruling a kingdom together.  He frowned over the second wife business, and started to laugh at himself getting so invested in the characters in a bunch of poems.  A few pages later the book became darker, and Finn felt repulsed by Akhenaten and almost stopped reading, the story was having such a profound effect on him.  Finn watched everything falling apart as the rogue pharaoh made the most appalling and repulsive decisions.  Finn felt his eyes growing wider, his jaw dropping, his mouth pulling into a sneer of disgust as things spiralled around the drain for Akhenaten.  Finn finished the book in just over an hour and had to stop to think for a long time after it, feeling an odd sense of nausea and shock.  He had gotten so emotionally involved with it and that surprised him. 

“Billy sure does know his books.”  He muttered to himself and pulled out another book from Rae’s bag.  But he didn’t read it, he looked back at ‘Akhenaten’ and worried that Phillip knew his books so well.  Rae loved reading and Phillip always had good books to loan her.  Finn bit the inside of his cheek slowly, thinking about what he’d said to Archie earlier: was Phil a better match for Rae? 

 

[ _ ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yY4bNCx9TY)

Gary paid the taxi driver and got out of the car.  He looked at the house for a long time.  Memories from his youth came back to him.  There was a steep hill a few kilometres from here that he and Kenzie had tobogganed down, he didn’t know it, but it was the same one Finn and Rae had gone down with the gang last winter; Chop’s family owned a great deal of the land in Sutherland.  But the McCay Clan was from the region too.  He looked up the street, remembering taking her hand and walking through the fields in summer to the lake.

“Loch.”  He told himself softly with a fond smile.  She’d always correct him with her strong accent.  He had spent many of his holidays in Sutherland with her grandparents.  He looked back at the house.  It used to be her brother’s house, but when he moved to Australia, his wife, Anka, had refused to go with him.  They had divorced, the house had gone to Anka, and Gary could only hope she still lived here.  Kenzie had not been angry at Anka for divorcing her brother, they had remained the best friends they’d become from the moment Anka had started dating Kenzie’s brother; the rest of the family had hated Anka from Australia where they all lived.  All except for Kenzie and it had strained her relationship with her family, but they still had contact and they had constantly urged her to move her family over to Australia too.  And that was his fear now; that she had moved where he couldn’t go to her.  He pushed that thought down and instead thought of the happy times he’d spent with her in Sutherland.  He knew that Kenzie’s grandparents were buried in the church graveyard not far from here and he felt a deep melancholy; he hadn’t seen them for so many years. 

He looked at the door again.  He took a deep steadying breath.  It had been five years since he’d seen Anka. 

She’d come to visit him two years after Kenzie left to tell him that she was alive and getting help and to look after Finn.  He remembered her sitting in the lounge room, smoking like a chimney.  Gary smiled fondly remembering the way she’d moved when she spoke to him about his wife.  She told him all of this, said it was a message from Kenzie and then told him to move on with his life. 

_Did that last bit come from Kenzie?_

_No Gary, that comes from me.  Move on darling._

_Until she tells me to do that, you know I can’t Anka.  I made a vow to her._

He understood that Anka wanted him to be happy.  But she was too pragmatic to understand his mind and heart on this matter.  That was Anka; a realist, not a romantic bone in her body. 

He walked up to the front door and knocked.  She opened the door and smiled warmly.

“Gary!”  She cooed and opened her arms for him.  They hugged.  “My little kumquat!”  She murmured to him.

“Anka.  Anka darling how are you?”  He asked her fondly. 

“Sick of my young lover.”  She said as she let him in and Gary smiled, knowing she’d say something like this.  “His dick’s not big enough and he doesn’t know how to use it well enough for me to be putting up with his shit this much.”

“Time to find a new lad then.”  Gary laughed as he sat down in her lounge room, “How old was this one?”

“Just barely 18.”  She answered with a devilish grin, her German accent lilting her words poetically somehow, she didn’t look as old as Gary knew her to be: 40.

“So Finn’s age.”  Gary reminded her and she looked shocked.

“Not my little Finney!  Mein Mäuschen!”  She clucked affectionately, “Where has the time gone?”  She shook her head and then the devilish glint Gary was accustomed to twinkled in her eyes “but you know, süsser,” She teased, “Finn is no blood relative of mine… and he is just old enough to tempt me.”  Gary chuckled.

“He is otherwise engaged, Prinzessin.” 

“Your German accent is shit!”  She said in outrage and got up, storming into her kitchen, leaving Gary to chuckle.  He’d missed Anka’s playfulness.  He remembered Kenzie always saying that she was worried Gary would fall in love with Anka because every boy did.  But he’d only ever had eyes for Kenzie, even the flamboyant, exotic and undeniably erotic Anka had not diverted his eyes from Kenzie for long; only the odd momentary glance of appreciation.  It was hard not to appreciate Anka, mostly it was her outrageous adherence to being true to herself at all costs; she was difficult and tempestuous and impulsive and reckless and utterly loveable.  She came back with strong sweet coffee and an ashtray.  She gave Gary a thin cigar and curled up on the lounge with her own.

“Oh I quit Anka.”

“Das ist Blödsinn!  Du bist in meinem Haus, also rauchst du jetzt eine mit mir!”  She commanded.

“Alright, Herzkäfer!”  Gary grinned at her impetuousness and lit the cigar. 

“Good?”  Gary nodded. “Ja.”  She agreed sagely.  “And you do remember that Herzkäfer isn’t an actual word, ja?”  Gary shrugged.

“Dankeschön, meine Liebe.”  He tried and she scowled.

“Don’t speak German to me!  You mouth makes a mockery of it!”  Gary laughed and she gave him a sulky look.

“You’re as lovely as ever Anka, mein Spatz.”  He teased and she pulled a face at him and then looked serious.

“I know, but darling do you think I should get some work done?” 

“Work?”

“A little nip and tuck.  Age you know, he is catching up.”  She pulled an imperious face and shrugged.

“I thought you were younger than me!”  He gave her a cheeky grin.  She was six years his senior.

“Oh my süsser, I have missed your flattery.”  She batted an eyelid at him and blew out cigar smoke, her body held in a strong masculine position, her dress and make up a picture of feminine perfection.  “You have come for Kenzie, Bärchen.”  She said knowingly and Gary nodded with a small smile. “I thought you would come sooner.”

“I got used to waiting.”  He acknowledged.

“What changed?”

“Finn.”

“Ah, der Sohn wird ungeduldig und möchte seine Mutter sehen.”  She mused.

“Not impatient, mein süsses Ding.”  Gary answered, amazed he could remember so much German.  “He just needs to know.”  Gary looked down and picked up his coffee, “And I suppose I do too now.”

“Why now for you mein Herzkäfer?”  She asked indulgently and Gary gave her a cheeky grin.

“For the first time in my life Anka, I considered taking a small piece of your advice.”  He admitted.  “Only for a second though.”  He teased

“Oh yes?”  She asked, “Which piece?”

“Perhaps…” He paused, not sure if he even meant it.  “Perhaps it is time for me to move on.”  He shook his head, the words sounding wrong the minute they were said, “No.”  He sighed, “I just need to know.”  He looked up at her, “That’s all.”  He said firmly. 

“Who is she?”  Anka asked astutely.

“There’s no one else.”  Gary said with an almost cynical shake of his head.  “I wouldn’t break my vows to my wife.”

“Of course not Liebster.”  Anka answered as if this were obvious, “now who is she?”  Gary shook his head.

“A friend.”  He said softly.  “I’m not even sure I feel anything like that for her…. but she reminded me what it was like to…” What did she remind him of exactly?  How butterflies felt in his stomach?  How his palms could get sweaty?  How to steal glances at someone you shouldn’t be looking at…?

“To feel.”  Anka finished for him and Gary nodded slowly.  Yes.  Yes she reminded him what it was like to feel.  Anka sighed sympathetically.  “You should have taken my advice years ago süsser.”

“I can’t abandon my wife Anka.  I love her.  I made vows to her.”  Gary drew on his cigar and looked down at his hands, “What kind of man would I be if I abandoned her when she needed me?  What example would that set to my son?”

“Good questions, Engelchen.”  Anka grinned like a sphinx.  “But answer this; would you have your son suffer as you have?  For so long?  Would you have him wrap the most vital and alive part of himself up into a little box and let it wither and die?  You have forgotten how to be loved Gary; what it feels like…  Would you want that for Finn?”  Gary watched the smoke rise from his cigar, “Ask yourself what you have really been teaching him.  A kind of self-deluded masochism.”

“Too far Anka.”  Gary said gently.  She always said things like this and he had been preparing himself for it all day. 

“How else would you describe it?”

“Loyalty.  Honour.  Keeping vows is not a bad thing to teach my son.  Being faithful is not a bad thing to teach my son!”  Gary replied and Anka took a deep breath. 

“Always men delude themselves with this notion.”  Anka said softly, “I should know.  In my country, men did terrible things to keep their word and vow to the fatherland… to be faithful and loyal to that government.  To keep their honour intact, so they thought.  But these things Gary… loyalty… honour… without questioning, without reason; it can never lead to good things.”  Her eyes pierced him, “keeping vows without questioning them is the same mentality as following orders without questioning them.  People must go through life with their minds fully functioning, or they are ghosts, and they create ghosts of the people around them.”  She sucked her cigar, “either literally or metaphorically.” 

“I think that comparing the Holocaust to my situation is really going too far Anka.” 

“My grandmother died in the Holocaust.  Did you forget?”  Gary closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief at his own stupidity.

“I’m sorry Anka.”  He had forgotten that she was Roma, that her father had been a child smuggled out of Germany by his aunt, that both of her grandparents had been prisoners.  That her father had returned there years later to see where his mother had died and where his father had somehow endured.  Anka’s father had met her mother there and resettled in Germany after years of living in England.  Anka had dual citizenship, but rarely went back. 

“I say what I mean Gary.  No good comes of never questioning.”  She stubbed out her cigar, “My father taught me that.”  Her eyes flashed with emotion.  “Taught me to apply what our family had learned to my entire life, even the small insignificant things.  To live like the next Holocaust is coming.  Because those fuckers still hate us.”  Gary lowered his eyes.  “Don’t feel too bad süsser… it’s not as though I still live in the traditional ways!  Look at me settled in this house… the people here have no knowledge of my heritage.  How would they treat me if they knew, I wonder?”  She grinned cheekily, “I don’t believe in god or traditions or even vows anymore… but I still believe in meinen Vater.” 

“It’s good advice Anka.”

“I know.”  She looked him up and down, “And look at the ghost you’ve become, mein Schatz.  It hurts my heart to see you as this.”  She lit another cigar, “Had you taken my advice, you would be enjoying your life.  Living as if there is no tomorrow, eh?  You would have love in your life!” 

“I still have love in my life.”  Gary countered.

“You love is like a dead thing in your chest Gary.”  She shook her head.  “I have no contact with Kenzie at this time.”  She added, “Let her go.”  Gary picked up his coffee and thought about that for a moment.

“You’re lying.”  He said stubbornly. 

“Whether I am or not.  You have my answer.” 

“Who puts the flowers on Grace’s grave?”  Gary saw her flinch.  Anka had taken Grace’s death very badly.  She had lost her only pregnancy at 7 months; a baby girl.  It was Anka that had named Grace when she was born just 3 months later.  Anka sucked on her cigar heavily.  Gary remembered Anka at the graveside at Grace’s funeral, clinging to Kenzie, both women weeping while Gary watched the tiny coffin being lowered into the ground, his hand clenching Kenzie’s tightly, the other hand holding Finn’s hand. 

“Das tat weh.”  She muttered to herself and then looked at Gary with a sad face. “Cold.”  She answered she lowered her eyes again, “To use her name when you know how it will hurt.”  She didn’t look back up at him.  “You have always been many things Gary.  But callous was never one of them.” 

“You think it hurts you more than me to think of her?”  

“I have two baby girls to think of.”  Anka replied.  “Twice as painful eh?”  She got up and poured herself a large glass of scotch.  She poured another for Gary.  He accepted it and they both downed the liquor in one gulp.  Gary felt the fire in his belly and leaned back on the lounge.  She gave him another cigar and he took it without comment. 

“Sorry.”  He said after a long silence.

“I loved Gracie.”  Anka said sadly, “As much as my Jana.” 

“I know.”  Gary hadn’t deliberately named Grace to hurt Anka. He had forgotten how much she loved Grace until he saw the pain on her face.  He had forgotten so much, locked it up in a little box as Anka had said. 

“We have both known so much hurt my friend.”  She smiled grimly at him “I will not let this come between us.”  She stood and did them another huge glass of Scotch.  “Don’t think about it again, Herzchen.”  She ordered when she saw how apologetic he looked.  Gary nodded and took the proffered Scotch. 

“Give me something to go on Anka.  Please.” 

“Du bist so ein Dickkopf.”  She shook her head, “I don’t have anything to give you.”  She answered honestly, “She appears when she does.  She calls when she does.  I do not have contact details.” 

“Is there a pattern to when she contacts you?”

“Nein.”  Anka took a deep breath, “But she has reverted to her maiden name, perhaps that will help you.”  Gary felt a stab at his heart. 

“So I’m looking for Kenzie McCay, not Kenzie Nelson.  It’s a start.”  He said, trying to hide how much that hurt. 

“Her silly Scottish pride, kleiner Käfer.”  Anka answered. 

“Yeah.”  Gary answered unconvinced, “That’s why…”  Anka shrugged, she had never been one for taking a man’s name.  How droll.  “When she comes… does it look like she’s travelled far?”

“Yes.”  Anka answered.  “But not hours and hours.”

“So she’s not in Scotland.  And she’s not in Australia either.  Progress.”  Gary tried not to get frustrated.  He’d known it wouldn’t be that easy to find her. 

“I will tell her to call you.  As I always do when I see her.”  Gary swallowed hard.

“Why doesn’t she call?”

“Who knows?”  Anka blew cigar smoke out and shrugged slowly, “You are both so bizarre.  Ich verstehe euch beide echt nicht.”  She drank her scotch.  “You should both move on.  ”

“Easier said than done when you’re in love.”

“You think I was not in love with Angus?”  She asked with an angry flash of her eyes, “so ein Schwachsinn!”  She said venomously. 

“No I know you were, mein Engel.”  Gary wondered if contacting Angus, Kenzie’s brother, might help.  He knew that Finn didn’t even know that he had an Uncle Angus running a cattle farm in the outback of Australia.  He and Kenzie had joked that Angus owned Angus cows…

“And yet I moved on.”  Anka said, “Moving on does not mean you did not love each other.  It doesn’t even mean that you do not still love each other.”  Her eyes flitted over to the picture of Angus on the fireplace mantle.  “It just means that you have learned the lesson that love alone is not enough for a healthy relationship.”  Gary looked up at the picture of Angus.

“You still in contact with him?”

“His new wife hates me!”  Anka exclaimed, “So of course we are darling.”  Gary chuckled.

“Can I get his number?”  Anka narrowed her eyes.

“Not yet.”  She said, “He would not like that.”  She held her hand up to silence his protest, “Try the florists in… where is that awful place you live?”

“Stamford… it’s actually nice…”  Anka scoffed.

“Check to see if any of the local florists have a standing order to place flowers on her grave.”  Anka said.

“They won’t give me contact details though.”

“Men are so ridiculously stupid, dear Bärchen.”  Anka told him.  “The delivery boy that earns a pittance and has to deliver to a graveyard all the time, will give you the contact details for fifty pounds.”  She answered and Gary’s mouth opened in realisation. 

“That’s a good idea.”  He breathed. 

“Natürlich, ich bin schliesslich brilliant!”  She said with a grin, “If that does not work, I will ask Angus to call you.”  She lowered her eyes, “He misses you.”  Gary remembered the fist fight they’d gotten into just after Grace’s death.  And then the harsh words spoken when Kenzie had first disappeared.  They’d never healed their relationship, he wondered if they ever could. 

“I miss him too.”  Gary shook his head, “He won’t call, Süsser.  You know that.” 

“Not unless I order him too, mein Käfer!”  Anka laughed and Gary grinned fondly.  Of course she still held sway over Angus.  There was a knock on the door and Anka grinned.  “Stay in contact this time my sweet darling Garylein.”  She dismissed him and Gary nodded.

“I will Prinzessin.”  Gary hugged her firmly and she kissed his mouth with wry grin before showing him the door.  Waiting to be let in was a young man, his hat in his hands, eagerly awaiting his older, experienced lover.  Gary chuckled and shook his head.  He headed off to the graveyard.  He’d have to ring Finn and tell him he’d be away for the next few nights.  He wanted to hang around, just in case Kenzie showed up.  He knew it was a long shot, but he had to try.

 

[ _ ‘Whole Lotta Love’ by Led Zeppelin _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0utAHY3xo4)

Finn put the last dish in the cupboard after drying it haphazardly.  Rae had disappeared upstairs as soon as she’d finished the dishwashing saying she had ‘a surprise, of sorts’ for him, and he was keen to know what his saucy little minx was up to.  They were both feeling prepared for their last exam tomorrow afternoon, so he had a feeling she had organised some quality ‘stress relief’ for tonight since they had the place to themselves.  He turned from the sink and watched as she came back into the room completely naked, her hands held behind her back.

“You have to promise not to be mad at me.”  Finn took in her body, the devilish grin on her face and felt his cock responding in his pants.

“Alright girl.”  He agreed.

“Go sit on the lounge.”  She said softly and he paused.

“What’s behind your back?”

“Go sit on the lounge!”  She ordered and he obliged, dragging his feet a little; he was enjoying looking at her naked body under the fluorescent lights of the kitchen.  It was surreal to have her wandering through his house naked. 

He took his shirt off.

“Leave your pants on.”  She said, and he sank down into the lounge; his pants unbuttoned and unzipped, but still up.  She sat on the edge of the lounge, her back angled away from him so he couldn’t see what was behind it. 

“So what am I not being mad about?”  He asked and she bit her bottom lip and slowly brought two blank-looking VHS tapes from behind her back.  There could have been anything on those tapes, but Finn knew exactly what they were immediately. 

“Rae?”  He asked, surprised that she’d held on to two of his pornos. 

“I told you that I wanted to watch them.”  Rae looked at his face carefully, worried about how he’d take this; it had been quite a gamble to take them and then present them like this.

“What?  And now you think we’re gonna?”  He asked bewildered, “I’m not gonna sit here and watch porno with you.”  He asserted.

“Why not?”

“Cos it’s embarrassing!”  Finn looked away.  It was more than that; he was worried how she’d respond to it, and what two movies she’d saved.  But his cock was telling him to watch it with her.  She was sitting naked in front of him; who knew where this would end up…?  But Finn knew that all depended on which two videos she’d chosen, and because they were all bootlegged and had no covers, it was impossible to tell.  Some of them she might like.  But there were others, particularly one that she’d hate. 

“I’m gonna watch both of them, all the way through tonight Finn.”  Rae said determined.  “Sit with me and enjoy… or go elsewhere.”  She retorted haughtily.  She instantly got up and put the first video into the machine.  Finn groaned in frustration and embarrassment, worrying about which movie it would be and how she’d react to any kind of porn, his mind raced through the possibilities.  He watched her bend over and admired her arse, her pussy lips visible when she bent low. 

“Alright.”  He muttered and settled in for an awkward evening.  “Did you get naked so I couldn’t get mad at you?”  He asked and she grinned cheekily.

“Maybe.”  She sat back down and took the remote control from the table, “I figured if you had my tits to play with you wouldn’t mind about the pornos so much.”  She looked down at herself, “Then I figured I might as well just take it all off.”

“Excellent thinking.”  Finn muttered as he put his lips to her nipple.  She gave an appreciative noise and pressed play.  Finn heard the machine start up and settled back on the lounge, his hand high on her thigh.  “So why are my pants on?”

“So you don’t get embarrassed about getting a stiffy.  With your jeans on, I can’t tell from over here.”  Rae said. Finn gave her a strange look and shook his head.  He looked back at the screen.

“Oh it’s only ‘Penelope.’”  He sighed with relief.  This one was not too bad.  “So far so good.”  He breathed to himself. 

“Penelope?”

“Yeah, it’s Italian, can’t understand a word of it!”  He grinned as the speaking began and Rae turned her eyes to the TV. 

“So I’m guessing it’s her story then?”  Rae asked and Finn shrugged.  “Oh boobs.”  Rae laughed as a blond woman got Penelope’s breasts out of her shirt.  “What is happening?  It’s all in Italian!”

“I never really cared what was happening in the talking bits Rae.”  He answered as if that was obvious and shook his head and watched the screen as a man entered.  And the blond woman went with him; he used a pool cue to gently get her on her knees and Rae grinned; she liked that little bit of dominance.  Penelope watched from a side room, masturbating. 

“His cock’s real veiny.”  She said and Finn scoffed.

“I never noticed.”  He sucked his teeth and tried not to notice now.  He’d always watched pornos by himself or with a bunch of lads.  Lads only ever commented on the girls.  This was new.

Rae watched the blond woman sucking dick.  She groaned a little when the man gently thrust into the woman’s mouth and Finn noticed this.  He was starting to think that this might actually be a good idea. 

“Is that what my vagina looks like?”  Rae asked as the man went down on the woman.

“Similar.”  Finn answered, “Yours is nicer.”  Rae grinned at this and watched the oral sex with a growing throb in her groin.  She’d watched a small amount of her mother’s porn, but that had been R-rated, it didn’t show erect cocks or vaginas like this.  It had been hot and dirty, but nothing like this.  This was quite explicit.  “We should use a mirror so you can see your own cunt properly.”  Finn said and Rae looked over at him.

“Alright.”  She agreed.  “I wouldn’t mind watching you fuck me again.”  Finn’s cock was very much starting to enjoy this experience.  His mind was still worrying about the second tape, but so far, this was going very well.

On the screen the man was slowly sliding his cock into the woman’s pussy and Finn watched as Rae’s mouth opened with desire.

“It looks amazing going in.”

“Aye.”  Finn said softly, taken by the look on her face as she watched the close up of a cock sliding in and out of a cunt. 

“God, I can almost feel it.”  She whispered, “Why did you throw the other pornos out!”  She joked as her eyes stayed glued to the screen. 

“Don’t need it anymore.”  Finn explained, but watching the way her eyes were glued to the screen was convincing him otherwise.

“God that’s fucking sexy.”  She whispered.  “You get to see your cock in my cunt.”  She said enviously.

“We’ll get on that mirror thing.”  He returned. 

“God they make funny noises but!”  She laughed.  They started to fuck from behind and she watched, entranced, “Do I sound like that?”

“Not really… I think she’s faking it.”  Finn scrunched up his face as the woman started to murmur in Italian, “Plus you don’t speak Italian.”  He joked. 

“And what girl masturbates from behind like that?”

“She’s doing it for the camera.” 

“What the fuck?”  Rae started to laugh as the video went to slow motion, slowing down the voices of the actors.  Finn chuckled with her.

“Pornos are often pretty stupid.”  He agreed.  And then the guy was coming, into the woman’s mouth.  Rae made a soft noise as she watched it happen.  “Although the cum-shots are usually pretty good.”  He said in a low voice.

“Wow.”  Rae breathed as she watched the woman licking and slurping at the cum, playing with it with her tongue.  “You need to be messier so we can do that.”  Finn made an appreciative noise in the affirmative, “Although she didn’t swallow?”  Rae sounded mildly outraged at this and Finn had a familiar sense of deep, sexual, thankfulness for her.  She just didn’t understand not swallowing… he was so, so grateful for that. 

“You know, I thought porn would be… I dunno… rougher than us.  But that were nothing.”  Rae said as she watched the women talking in Italian. 

“Some are rough and some aren’t.”  Finn answered, “We’ve been doing a pretty good job at exploring stuff, I reckon.” 

“So we’re putting porn movies to shame!”

“Some of ‘em!”  Finn laughed.

“Can we fast forward over this talking stuff?”

“Aye, you wanna get to the good stuff?”  Finn was in awe of her sexuality, she was as into exploration as he was.  Boys were always made to understand that girls were not like that.  Not the kind of girls you wanted to marry anyway.  Finn had been thinking about that ridiculous notion a lot lately.  Why wouldn’t you want to marry a girl that matched you sexually?  Rae seemed to match him sexually, and he really liked that.  He couldn’t understand people who thought sexually open girls were a bad thing. 

“Well I can’t understand Italian…”  Rae joked and fast forwarded until the next sex scene.  It was two women on the bed.  She watched the two girls on the screen making out and going down.  “She needs to lick it better than that!”  Rae said and Finn smiled at her comments, “She’ll never cum like that.” 

“It’s just for show.”  Finn reminded her.

“Oh god I wouldn’t want those fingernails in my cunt!”  Rae cringed and Finn laughed.  And then Rae gasped.  Finn had been waiting for this moment.  He kept his face forward and pursed his lips slightly.

“Did she just lick her arsehole?”  She gasped again as she watched one woman gently licking the other’s arsehole.  Finn looked at her from the corner of his eye, trying to gauge her reaction.  When he saw that she was relatively calm, intrigued even, he ventured a question;

“Do you want me to do that to you?”

“That can’t be sanitary Finn!”  Rae answered shocked. 

“If you keep the area clean I can’t see the problem.”  He mumbled and Rae’s jaw dropped.

“Are you serious?”

“Aye.”  He answered honestly.  Rae thought about the way Finn’s fingers felt when they slid over that area of her crack, it was a sensitive area and it always made her body tingle with delight when he touched there.  It might be nice if her licked there, but she was too weirded out by the idea to respond to him.  And then the woman with long red nails started to finger the other girls arse.

“Oh fuck no!”  Rae said and Finn laughed.  “Those nails!”  She watched the one woman eating the other out while she fingered her arse.

“They’re eating pussy better now.”  Finn nodded, changing the focus slightly, and Rae had to agree as she felt her cunt aching for him to go down.  Her mind wondered over the possibility of Finn’s tongue travelling even further down and she scrunched up her face, but the movie quickly moved her onto other thoughts. 

“You know I never had the urge to suck my own finger while you’re going down.”  Rae said laughing at the way the woman was sucking her own fingers so suggestively. 

“It makes lads think o’ getting their dicks sucked.  Porno’s all about dick.”  Finn said sightly stiffly.  There was worse to come in this movie and if the little bit of anilingus had gotten her worried, she might not like it at all. 

“Oh aye, then why do I like it?”

“So you’re liking it?”  Finn asked, a little surprised, “Even with the arse licking and fingering?”  Rae nodded slowly. 

“Although I wish they’d stop with this story bullshite, no one cares!”  She fast forwarded again and Finn watched her with an increasing smile.  Maybe she’d be ok with the rest of the movie?  After all, it was pretty tame in comparison to some of the stuff he’d seen, thanks to Chop and his brothers. 

“The girls are all so much prettier than the boys in this but… and they’re all skinny.”

“Welcome to porn.”  Finn laughed, “No one’s looking at the lads Rae!”

“Well porn’s obviously not just for guys Finn, cos I like it!”  She said and trained her eyes back on the screen as the next sex scene started. 

“I’m glad you do.”  He felt lust starting to creep up from his balls through his body, thinking that maybe he could use porn to introduce some of the more wild things he wanted to do to her. 

“They use a lot more hand in their blowjobs than I do.”  Rae noted and Finn shrugged.  “I should try that.”

“If you want.”  Finn encouraged, wanting her to get the idea that trying things from pornos was brilliant. 

“So do you like the way I suck your dick, or should I change it?’  Rae asked suddenly and Finn felt himself suddenly falling into an unseen trap. 

“I love it.”  He said honestly.

“But you wanted to try it with more hand…?”

“Aye.”  Finn answered, “I wanna try lots o’ things don’t you?”  He hoped that she would leave it at that; it was the truth, but her mind had a way of making things a lot bigger than they were. 

“Bloody hell, look at those thighs of steel!”  Rae said, their discussion forgotten as she watched the woman squatting up and down on top of the man.  “I don’t think I could do that…”  Rae’s eyes couldn’t leave the screen, the way cock looked sliding into pussy did something to her.  It was so sexy, she wanted it right now.  “Do pornos always have the men cum in the woman’s mouth?” 

“Not always, but a lot o’ the time.”

“D’you wanna cum in my mouth all of the time…?  Oh my god they’re cum sharing…”  Finn didn’t answer her question.  It was deeply satisfying coming inside of her, but he did so enjoy seeing her swallow.  Both were good for him.  “Do pornos have every girl just worshipping cum?”

“Pretty much.”  Finn smiled at her, “It can be a bit of a letdown in real life when you realise that the vast majority of girls tend to think of your cum as a messy, nasty side effect that they have to put up with.”

“Oh skipped the story, straight to blow job in bath.  Good job!”  She laughed as the movie went straight from one sex scene to the next.  He wondered how much of what he’d said had sunk into her mind; he wanted her to realise how amazing it was that she didn’t hate his cum, that she swallowed it.  “Holy crap fingering looks amazing.”  Rae marvelled as the man fingered the woman.  Finn enjoyed how she jumped from one thing to next so excitedly. 

“Aye.”  

“Oh and in the arse!”  Rae pulled a face as the man fingered her arse now.  But Finn noticed that she wasn’t as grossed out this time and a thought began to tug at his mind; he really wished he hadn’t thrown his porno movies out now.  They watched the porno in silence, Finn constantly gauging Rae’s reactions to the action, and when a second girl came in and they both started to suck the guys cock, he watched her head cock to the side.

“That’s why guys want threesome’s right?  One girl on your cock, the other on your balls!”  She laughed and Finn let out the breath he’d been holding.

“There’s quite a few threesomes in this porno.”  Finn said in agreement but also as a warning to her to be ready for it. 

“I wish he’d pull her hair much harder.” 

“Me too.”  Finn agreed, enjoying their similarities in taste.  And they watched in silence, he noticed Rae squeezing her thighs together; she was still turned on.  A lot of action passed in silence, Finn’s nerves rising as he thought about what was to come in this movie, and Rae starting to actually think about her own techniques and really wanting to try some of the stuff she was seeing.  The movie made her want Finn’s cum all over her face, and she enjoyed feeling that way.  Pornos were for dirty sex ideas, and she wanted to get all of them.  The film passed on to another sex scene. 

“What the hell is that moustache?”  Rae suddenly laughed and Finn laughed loudly with her.  “The guys in these movies are heinous!”  Rae shook her head.  But Finn felt his innards clench anxiously.  This was the scene.  Would she hate it?  Probably.  Or would she get ideas… Finn didn’t even want to hope it. 

“Another threesome with 2 girls.”  Rae shook her head, “Are there any with 2 lads?”

“Not in this movie.”  Finn answered tightly. 

“No wonder you lads all want threesomes!”  Finn watched the way her body tensed, the copious amounts of oral sex on the screen was turning her on and he hoped that would carry her through the next part.  “I like the way she sucks cock.”  Rae mused.

“Nah she don’t go deep enough.”  Finn answered.  For him, Rae had ruined normal blow jobs, if it didn’t push past the swallow point, it wasn’t worth it.  Watching these actresses go up to that point but not beyond was not good enough.  It was a Rae blow job or nothing; and by that, he meant deep throat. 

“You like it hitting the back of me throat.”   Rae asked gutturally.

“I like it sliding past the back of your throat.”  He answered and heard her groan.  “You like it too then?”

“Yes.”  She admitted, “There’s something… almost dirty about it.”  She agreed, “whether I’m giving your cock a nice gentle suck, or whether you’re fucking my mouth… it’s dirty when you go all the way in.”  Finn groaned lightly in response, his cock aching to fuck her throat.  But he bit his bottom lip and nodded to look back at the screen, he wanted her to see the next bit.  Rae looked up to see the guy licking one of the girl’s arseholes and didn’t respond, this time she had Finn’s words in the back of her mind and wondered if she did want to experience that or not?  Finn held his breath as the guy got his dick sucked by one woman and then turned to plant his cock in the other woman’s arsehole.  He saw Rae’s jaw drop, but she didn’t look away, she watched the guy fuck her arse fairly fast and deep with wide and Finn thought, curious eyes.  Finn licked his lips and kept his face towards the tv as they watched in silence; Rae utterly transfixed by how easy it had seemed to get a cock up an arse, and by how loudly everyone was groaning, how much she seemed to like it and how the other woman rubbed her clitoris while he thrust into her arse.  Even though she was watching the scene closely, not sure what to make of it, she could feel the tension in Finn’s body and she looked at him from the corner of her eye.  She saw him lick his lips slowly and then bite his bottom lip.

“You still want to do it don’t you?”  She watched him closely for his response. 

“No, it’s fine.”  He said in a tight voice, but his eyes didn’t leave the screen.  Rae’s brows furrowed and then she heard the ridiculous slow motion sounds of orgasm and turned back to the screen.  She saw Finn turned to look at her as she watched the cum-shot in silence.  “Those slow motion sounds are pretty stupid.”  He grinned

“It sounds like there’s a chimpanzee involved!”  Rae agreed and they started to laugh.  They were still laughing when the next sex scene started.  “Oh look another threesome!”  Rae shook her head.

“It’s total male fantasy fulfilment.”  Finn apologised, “All the girls are up for it all the time, and are bisexual and love cum and orgasm really easily.  And no one’s ever jealous and every girl loves to get fucked however the cock wants it.”  He gave a grim smile, “It’s not meant to be real.”

“Yeah but no wonder you want a threesome… and anal… porno makes it looks so good and easy.”  Finn pursed his lips slightly and looked at the screen momentarily.  Rae’s eyes followed, and once again a man was thrusting into a woman’s anus.  She was rubbing her clitoris and groaning in a sexy gasping way.  Rae looked back at Finn and the desire in his eyes was unmistakeable.  But he turned to her and shook his head.

“I don’t want a threesome Rae.  I really don’t.”  He ran his fingers up her bare thigh, “I’m pretty selfish and jealous and possessive… you’re just for me.  No one else gets you.”  He smiled guiltily, “Sorry.”  And then shrugged.  He looked back at the anal sex happening on the screen and sighed, halfway between wistful and sagely, “And yeah, I would like to fuck your arse.  I won’t hide that.  I think most men wanna try anal.”  He bit the inside of his mouth momentarily, “it’s like…” He blushed and Rae could tell he hated saying this, “It’s like you got three holes and I wanna be in all three of them.”  He shook his head, “I hate that I think like that sometimes.  So crude.”  He lowered his eyes.  “And yeah, I don’t know a guy who don’t wanna try it.  But I also don’t know a guy who expects that it’ll actually ever happen. Stuff like that happens in pornos not real life.”  He shrugged.  “I don’t expect it Rae, it really is fine.”  Rae looked away considering that and watched the movie for a bit.

“I can’t get over how it looks going in.  Any of the… holes.”  Rae said using his terminology and Finn almost flinched to hear her using lad words like that.  “Do you think any of the girls actually cum?”

“Nope.”  He kept his eyes on the screen, thinking that this had ended up going very badly in the end.  Rae was really not ok with how much anal there was in pornos, and that was fine, but he had hoped to pique her curiosity, and he was ashamed of that hope now.  If she wasn’t into it then that was that.  He shouldn’t be trying to persuade her.

“Everyone moans like anal is the best.”  Rae said softly, almost defensively and ashamed that she didn’t want to do anal.  Finn felt bad about wanting it when he heard her tone.  He didn’t reply, his insides felt clenched up and he just didn’t know what to say anymore.  There was a close up of the anal and Rae felt her innards churn strangely.

“Looks interesting.”  She tried.

“S’pose.”  He answered in a monotone. 

“Her butt-hole looks bigger after it’s been fucked.”  Rae said aghast, imaging how horribly impractical it would be to have a butt hole that didn’t close properly.

“Yeah but so does your vagina after I’ve had at it Rae, it shrinks back down after a bit.”  Rae thought about that, and knew it was true. 

“You’re not expecting it, but you really want it.  Don’t you?”  She insisted. 

“I took it off the table.”  He said decisively.  The sex scene had finished while they were talking and another had stared, another threesome with two women.

“Seriously, they make sex with one woman look boring.”  Rae shook her head.

“This is why I didn’t wanna watch porn with you.”

“Cos I ruin it for you.  The male fantasy?”

“No cos it upsets you.”

“No it doesn’t.”  Rae shrugged, “I just think that the male fantasy of women is bloody stupid sometimes.”  Finn grinned in response.

“A lot o’ the time.”  He agreed and she leaned over and kissed him, quite passionately.

“But if you can forget how stupid porn is, and how messed up the male fantasy is, watching people fuck is really hot.”  Finn bit his bottom lip feeling quite pleased as she melted into his arms and they watched the final sex scene in silence. 

“I think Penelope’s supposed to be losing her vaginal virginity in this bit.”  Finn’s voice was filled with bemusement and Rae chuckled. 

“Another male fantasy.”

“Being the first?  Aye.”  Finn shook his head. 

“Was it disappointing that you weren’t my first?”  She asked, afraid of the answer.

“No.”  She detected no lie or hesitation in his voice, but she still wished that he had been her first.  Mostly she just wished it hadn’t been Liam; dressed, ashamed and hating herself.  Everything that she’d done sexually since then told her that that was no way to have sex.  There were a lot of ways to have sex, and that was not one of them.  Even after all that had happened since then, thinking about sex with Liam felt like a physical blow.  She brought her mind back to where she was and focused on the feel of Finn’s arms around her.  She was safe with him. 

The movie stopped and she sat up.

“Want a cuppa before we start the second video?”  She asked.

“Are you sure you wanna watch it?”  Finn was worrying again about which movie it might be. 

“Positive.”  She grinned, “And then I think you’ll be fucking me very hard Finlay.”

“Oh right?”  He asked, very interested in what she was saying.

“And I might even get you to cum in my mouth.  That porno has left me with a real desire to taste you again.  And to be honest you don’t cum in me mouth very often… it’s been what… eight times?” 

“Seven.”  Finn corrected and Rae grinned.

“I must have said eight cos it were gonna happen tonight yeah?”  She smiled and Finn made a small sighing sound of desire, his eyes on her mouth before clearing his throat and grinning.

“Well I don’t wanna disappoint me girl.”  He touched her mouth with his fingertips.  “If you want my cum, girl, you can have it.”

“Male fantasy?”  She laughed.

“Holy fuck yes.”  He breathed.

“Do you want me to beg for it?”  The moan that greeted this question told Rae that he did indeed want her to beg for it. 

“You don’t have to.”  His voice was slightly higher pitched than normal and Rae straddled him slowly, his jeans feeling rough against her inner thighs.  She put her mouth to his ear as his hands pulled her closer to him.

“We’re gonna watch this second porno.  And then you’re gonna fuck me hard.”  Rae whispered in his ear and felt his fingers dig into her flesh slightly, and then she had a momentary flash of an idea of how to beg just right for him and continued, “and if I’m a very good girl.”  She felt his stomach clench as he took a hissing breath in, “And I’ve done everything you say, and I’ve earned it…”  He let his breath out as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “can I please…” she emphasised the word seductively, “please drink your cum.”  Finn turned his face to hers slowly.

“If you’re a very good girl.”  He said with the air of a man who still can’t believe his luck, but he was gonna take it a run with it for as far as he could, before his luck ran out.  “I’ll let you taste it.”

“Thank you.”  She whispered, her eyes not leaving his.  Finn looked at her as if he had died and gone to heaven.

“You’re actually thanking me for it…”  He marvelled.

“Wait until I thank you with your cum in me mouth.”

“Jesus fucking Christ Rae.”  Finn breathed, his body jumping internally with excitement and anticipation.

“Now do you want a brew?”  Rae said as she got up.

“I’ll make it.”  Finn said, “I kinda feel like I owe you something.”   He grinned, “Fulfilling male fantasies for me and all.”  He smiled shyly and headed to the kitchen, an obvious bulge in his jeans. 

“So I get a cup o’ tea for that?”  She called after him with a cheeky grin.

“Got any female fantasies I can do for you?”  He said, his hand on the door to the kitchen.

“I’m not sure that there are any typical female fantasies.”  Rae answered, “Other than being absolutely adored by your partner, who is just the right mix of rough and gentle in everything he does from sex to cleaning the house to the way he talks…” Finn smiled and looked away, feeling pleased with himself.

“And how am I doing with that?”  He looked back at her.

“Not too shabby.”  Finn bit his bottom lip and went into the kitchen.  Rae changed tapes and sat down on the lounge, excited for the next movie, interested to know what it was and wishing she managed to save more of them.  When Finn returned with two teas, he was grinning, the bulge in his pants had subsided, but the spark in his eye was still ignited. 

They sipped their teas, the understanding that watching pornographic films and having a nice cup of tea didn’t go together for them. 

“I’m excited for exams to be over.”  Rae said, “Summer holidays’ll be nice.”

“It’ll be a year since I first met you.”  Finn said softly. 

“Hey yeah.”  Finn loved the way her face lit up.  “It’s been such a strange year.”  Rae shook her head, “Some of the worst days and some of the absolute best days of me life.”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed and sipped his tea thoughtfully, “I wouldn’t change any of it.” 

“Really?”  Rae asked incredulously.

“Look at where we are now.”  His fingertips reached up and touched the necklace around her neck and Rae knew what he meant; the commitment they had made to each other.  “You never know if changing one of those bad moments, would change the outcome… would change what we are now.”  He scooted a little closer.

“Might end up better.  Like where we are now but with no scars and trauma.”

“Might end up worse.  You could have died.”  Finn countered, “I’m not willing to take the chance.”  He stroked her face, “I love the way we are now.  I love you.  And you love me.”  He shook his head, “I wouldn’t change anything I been through; it’s all been worth it.”

“You’d get stabbed again?”  Her brows furrowed and he smiled gently.

“Rae, I’d get stabbed a million times over if it meant I’d get to be with you.  You are so worth it.”  He kissed her gently, their tea cups clinking together.  She laughed as her sugary, milky tea sloshed into his milk-less, ‘one teaspoon of sugar only’ cup of tea.

“I think I ruined your tea.”  They looked down at their tea cups, their foreheads touching. 

“Didn’t ruin it.”  He said softly, “It’s changed a little that’s all.”  He took a sip, “Still good.”  He gave her that small, closed-mouth, grin of his that meant he was really pleased with how things were right now.  They stayed close, drinking tea and giving each other small but passionate kisses until their cups were emptied.  Rae put their cups on the table and Finn picked up the remote control.

“Shall we?”  He asked, almost forgetting his trepidation.  There was only one video out of the ten he’d once had that she absolutely couldn’t see, the others were all varying degrees of worrisome, but all had bits she’d really love.  So he was less worried.  He saw her nod and lean back on the lounge.  He clicked play and Rae took the remote control off him, so she could fast forward if she wanted to.  The first thing that happened on the screen was a little tic of light.  And he knew.  He knew that this was the one video he didn’t want her to see.  All he could think was why did it have to be this one?  ‘Anal Auditions’

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  This was gonna be a rough one to watch with her.  It had been one of his favourites though.  The sound was strange and hard to hear and the beginning images were broken up so that Rae could only just make out a guy talking at the camera, followed by introductions of three girls with previews of what was to come in their scenes; Rae couldn’t make it out though. 

“Quality stuff you got here!”  Rae shook her head.  Finn was just about to suggest that they turn it off because it was obviously no good, when the film settled down; like he knew it would.  He’d missed his chance to bow out gracefully from this; she was going to see it.  He kept his eyes on the screen, his stomach churning slightly as he thought about what was coming up in this movie.  It was one of the rougher ones he had owned, but certainly not the roughest one he’d seen.  The sound was out of sync with the movie and there was an annoying sound underneath it that made it hard to hear anything, but some words could be heard.  He watched as Max; the guy in this porno, drove his car, looking to pick up a girl.  Rae started to laugh. 

“Did she just say my mum told me not to talk to strangers?”  Rae chuckled and Finn could only scoff; his humour had left him.  He sucked his bottom lip and tried to think of ways to get out of watching the movie.  Rae watched Max taking photographs of the girl.

“We should do that again.”

“Aye.”  Finn said strongly, he had gone through those pictures; he’d taken about 65 of the 100 they had.  That fact was strangely satisfying to him and he was keen to repeat that experience.  The movie moved on and Rae watched Max pull the girl’s nipples pretty rough and squeeze them hard, making Rae smile smuttily.

“He’s rougher than the last movie.”  She said and Finn nodded slowly, keeping his face forward, wishing he could enjoy it.  Max started to finger the girl, and use a dildo on her.

“Look at the lumps on that dildo!”  Rae said with awe, “Imagine that going in your clacker.”  She shook her head slowly.  Finn couldn’t help but smile.  On the screen he was fingering the girl and Rae was once again struck by how good it looked.

“What does it feel like to finger a girl?”  Finn was silent for a moment, not sure how to respond.

“Nice.”  He said eventually, “warm and wet.”  He thought about his two fingers inside of Rae’s pussy, “the best bit is that it always feels like there’s no way your cock’s gonna fit in there.”  While he was talking, Max had gotten three and then four fingers into the girl’s cunt.  Rae’s mouth opened slowly as she watched, wide-eyed.  Max thrust his four fingers in and out of the girl rapidly and Rae turned her eyes to Finn.

“Do you wanna do that to me?”

“Not sure I could Rae.”  He answered; he honestly didn’t think four fingers would fit in her.  He thought about it though; he knew that logically her vagina could accommodate child birth, but she always felt tight and slippery, not so tight that it would hurt her, but too tight for anything wider than his cock.  But then it felt that way when he had his fingers in her, and they were nowhere near as wide as his cock.  He supposed that her vagina clung tightly to whatever was in it and could probably do four fingers if he got her wet enough before trying.  He was about to say that when Rae moaned longingly.  He focused back on the screen to see Max pulling the girl’s hair hard as he slammed his four fingers into her cunt. 

“That’s so hot.”  She said breathlessly and Finn noticed her fidgeting slightly, her thighs pressed together.  He liked seeing her turned on like this. 

Now Max was taking the girl’s hair and her chin in his hands and telling her this is how boys liked it as he thrust into her mouth.  Finn heard her moan again.

“Wow.”  She breathed, “Oh wow.”  Max was fucking the girls face.  Finn had fucked Rae’s face harder, but seeing it being done was so exciting that Rae’s entire body was pulsing with desire.  “I think I have to masturbate.”  She whispered like it was a confession and Finn turned his face to her slowly in disbelief. 

“What’s hot about it?”  He asked her, she didn’t turn to look at him. But watched as Max fucked the girl’s face.  Rae’s mouth open, her breath short with desire. 

“The way he takes control of her.  The way he uses her for his pleasure.  He pulls her hair to get her to do what he wants.”  Rae watched the drool and slobber fall from the girls’ mouth onto her breasts.   “I imagine you doing it to me.”  She breathed with deep desire.  Her cunt throbbed as the face fucking got harder and deeper.  “This porno is so fucking good Finn.”  She couldn’t take her eyes from it, “it appeals to my darker side.”  She grinned, remembering what he had said to her previously.  “Oh god, I love the way he grabs her head and just shoves her down to suck his balls.”  She whispered and Finn felt an ache in his own balls, his cock starting to throb. 

“You want me to do that to you?  Push and pull your head around and use you so much?”

“Oh fuck yes.”  Her voice was thick with desire.

“Cos I’ve fucked your face harder than that… but… I don’t take control so much.  So you want that?”

“Yes.”  She whispered.

“So what you’re essentially saying is that you like a man in charge?”

“Only sometimes Finn, don’t get any ideas!”  They shared a laugh, but a thought had entered Finn’s mind again.  Maybe she could get through this porno ok too?  Maybe she’d even cum masturbating to some of the oral sex?

“Masturbate.”  He ordered and Rae put a foot up on the table, the other leg she put over his knee, spreading her legs, she started to rub her clitoris, her eyes on the screen.  Finn smiled triumphantly at the idea of Rae masturbating to this movie.  To this movie in particular.  She groaned deeply.

“I really love face fucking.”  She said and Finn felt his cock ache when she said that.

“I love that you love face fucking.”  He looked back at the screen and knew that any minute now, it was about to happen.  Rae was moaning louder and then Max was manoeuvring the girl, getting ready to penetrate her, Rae felt her cunt aching to be penetrated and was ready to see it happen on the screen again.  But he went to her arse and penetrated that hole.  Rae gasped and stopped still.  Her cunt begging to be stimulated, her body aching with desire, she watched as Max fucked the girl’s arse roughly.  Finn watched her closely, it was obvious she didn’t know how to take it.  He so wanted her to keep masturbating, but she didn’t, she just watched.  She watched the girl assume the head down, arse up position she’d been in when spanked and felt a strange understanding wash over her.

“There’s a lot of power play in anal sex isn’t there?”  She asked.

“Aye, I think so.”  Rae watched Max pulling the girl’s hair roughly and felt her cunt starting to ache almost painfully with desire.  And then Max was coming on her face; Rae licking her lips in anticipation for having Finn’s cum in her mouth soon.  Once he’d finished coming he fucked the girl’s face again.  Rae turned to look at Finn.  She watched his eyes move over the screen, understanding that anal was perhaps just as much about ownership and control and power as it was about sexual pleasure.  She looked back at the screen, the sound had completely failed now and he was talking to the screen again, setting up for the next scene. 

“You gonna masturbate?” 

“Is it another anal scene?”  She asked gingerly.

“You’re turned on aren’t you?”  He deflected the question.

“S’pose.”  Rae answered defensively. 

“So masturbate.”  He prodded, “Slowly.”  He put his hand over hers and felt her fingers starting to move again, “Don’t cum.”  He ordered and she felt orgasm instantly come much closer to her.  She watched Max starting to face fuck another girl and groaned lustily. 

“Tell me what you like.”  Finn urged her in an authoritative voice. 

“I like how he keeps going even though she looks like she’s struggling with his cock.”  She watched Max pushing past the woman’s gag reflex to fuck her deeply in her throat. 

“Do you want me to do that to you?”  Finn was surprised by how much that turned him on.

“Sometimes.”  She answered throatily.

“But how will I know if it’s one of those times?”

“I dunno.”  She admitted.  “But you’re rougher than him sometimes Finn.”

‘Is that bad?”  He liked that they were talking about this stuff, it gave him a better insight into what she really wanted from this rough sex they’d been dabbling in.

“No.”  He groaned in response to her answer, finding that he was growing more and more horny, “What do you like about it Finn?”

“I like that he makes a mess of them.”  Rae looked at the woman, she was a drooling mess and her hair was pulled everywhere.  “And I like that he owns them in this moment.”  Rae groaned.  “Don’t cum.”  He ordered and she nodded, once again, his order to not cum made her closer to coming. 

Max started to finger the woman on the screen and Finn’s hand slid over Rae’s thighs.  He slid a single finger into her and noticed how her cunt instantly gripped his finger, practically miking it as he slid it in and out of her. 

“Is he gonna fuck her arse again?”  Finn loved the trepidation mixed in with her horniness.

“Are you turned on?”  Finn returned and saw her nod her head slowly. 

“Can you fit four fingers in me like he does her?”  Rae gasped as Finn shoved his second finger in and thrust hard.

“I can try.”  He grinned lustily.  He couldn’t believe this was happening.  He supposed that ‘Penelope’ beforehand had greased the wheels quite a bit, but he had never expected Rae to be masturbating over this flick.  It was only the third time he’d seen her masturbate, and he was trying to finger her in a way he never imagined he would while she pleasured herself.  He could feel his balls aching to pop a load: this was incredible.  He slipped his third finger in with a satisfied groan and heard her gasp again, her eyes on the screen.  He tried to get the fourth in, but couldn’t.

“Nope.  Only three.”  He said as he focused on giving her as much pleasure as he could.  He watched her rubbing her clitoris, her eyes on the screen, her body moving with desire. 

Max started to finger the woman’s arse and Rae kept masturbating.  Finn was ecstatic that she’d kept going.

“Don’t cum.”  He ordered, knowing that this order excited her and made her more likely to cum.  She whimpered, still clearly conflicted, when Max started to fuck the woman’s arse.  But she didn’t stop masturbating, and she didn’t look away. 

“Oh my god.”  Rae whispered and Finn snapped his eyes to the screen to see what had elicited that response.  Max was fucking her arse hard, and fingering her cunt, stretching out her vagina.  Rae didn’t know if she liked what she was seeing, only that her body ached with desire and she so desperately wanted to-

“Don’t cum!”  Finn ordered in a strong voice.  He felt her vagina constrict slightly and then loosen; she was fighting against coming.  And then Rae felt something shift inside of her as Max started to use a dildo in the woman’s vagina as he kept pumping into her arse.  Part of her wanted to know what that felt like, while simultaneously part of her was repulsed by the idea: would it hurt?  Would poo get everywhere?  It was just so dirty… and sexy.  Rae felt surprised by that thought but watched, trying not to cum as Max once again shot his load in a woman’s mouth.  She slowed her fingers down as the next scene was set up.

“Do any of the girls swallow?”  She asked.

“Some.”  Finn slowed down his fingering; following her lead. 

“He never goes down.”  She said disappointed.

“No.”  Finn agreed with the same disappointed voice, “Max Hardcore is right on the fringe of pornography, he’s always pushing boundaries and a lot o’ people say he goes right past them, they say he’s a misogynist and that’s why he don’t go down…”  Finn thought about one Max Hardcore movie he’d seen where he was making the girls suffer a little bit, nothing too bad, but still worse than most pornos.  “I can’t imagine what he’ll be doing in ten years’ time… probably pissing in girl’s eyes.” 

“Finn shut up I’m trying to watch and that’s gross.”  Finn chuckled. 

“Agreed.”  He answered. 

“Can we fast forward?’  She asked urgently.  “I wanna get to the good stuff.  I wanna cum.”  Finn fast forwarded and stopped right on the next girl fingering her own arse.  Rae was so confused and repulsed and turned on, she started to speed up her fingers again as Max fingered her arse, fitting four fingers in.

“No fucking way!”  Rae stopped masturbating, her dance along that line stopping.  “Holy hell.”  She realised that the reason four fingers had stopped her was because she was thinking, almost subconsciously, of letting Finn try one finger.  And four made it all too real, conscious and possibly painful. 

“None of this stuff has to happen to you Rae.”  Finn answered her silent worries and pressed his fingers up into her G-spot, making her gasp with pleasure.  “That’s not what it means if you cum to it.”  He rubbed her insides perfectly until she felt her legs starting to quiver, she started to rub her clitoris again, “None of this means anal sex is back on the table.’  He reassured her.  Max started to fuck the woman’s arse and Rae watched closely, Finn detected a hint of desire and longing in her eyes, and he groaned with desire at the thought of doing what was happening on the screen to her.  And then she came, loudly, her cunt constricting violently around his fingers.  Finn groaned triumphantly with her as her body shook with pleasure.  As soon as she was done, he pulled her up and put her hands on the coffee table, bending her over so that he could enter her from behind.  He pulled his cock out of his jeans, not even bothering to lower them and thrust into her roughly.  She yelped with pleasure and they both looked up at the screen as Finn dug his fingers into her hips and fucked her hard, as ordered. 

It was so dirty watching porn while getting fucked, and not just any porn, rough anal sex porn; Rae came almost straight away, surprised with herself.  Finn brought his hand crashing down onto her arse as he fucked her and she gasped loudly.

“YES!”  She yelled out and he spanked her again.  He squeezed her arse cheeks hard and she groaned.  He wanted to pay a lot of attention to Rae’s beautiful arse while she watched another woman get arse-fucked.  He had no intention of anally penetrating her in any way; he just wanted to remind her that she got a lot of pleasure out of her arse.  He ran his fingers down her crack and she groaned urgently.  He grinned, hoping that a seed had been planted in her mind.  He let his fingers linger on her hole for a moment and then spanked her arse gain.  She grunted with pleasure and swore at him to do it harder; he, of course, obliged.  They watched, fucking aggressively, as Max came into her mouth, holding her head still by the hair his palm covering her forehead and eyes.  It was so dirty.  Rae wanted this, all of this dirty stuff.   She felt his fingers on her arsehole again and felt ready to maybe try one finger.  She doubted she’d ever get past that, but that was more than enough for her.  She felt herself coming again, thinking about this, she was terrified and excited by the whole thing and really didn’t know what she wanted.  But he didn’t push into her, he just let his fingers linger there.

“On your knees!”  Finn was ordering her and she dropped in an instant, her mouth opened.  He slid his cock into her throat, sliding beautifully past the swallow point, he groaned and started to fuck her face.  It wasn’t long before he was grabbing her hair and pushing her down to suck his balls, an appreciative groan escaped her as she realised he had gotten this from their previous conversation and the movie.  He masturbated while she licked his balls, his eyes on her eyes.  He yanked her head back up by the hair and she groaned happily, her mouth open and ready.  He felt himself getting closer, his eyes on hers, amazed at how much she wanted this.

“Beg.”  He gasped, holding back.

“Please.”  She whispered, “Let me have your cum.”  She strained her mouth forward and he held her in check by the hair, she groaned again, “Please Finn.”  Hearing her beg pushed him over the edge and he came, watching ropes of cum spurt from his cock in her mouth and onto her face.  She was the one moaning triumphantly now and she kept her mouth wide open so he could see the sizeable load he’d left in there.

“Thank you.”  She whispered and he groaned appreciatively, “Thank you.”  She repeated.

“Holy fuck.”  He breathed.

“Thank you for coming in my mouth.”  He watched the way the cum moved around her mouth as she said it, some nearly dribbling out but she stopped it from doing that as if her life depended on it.  “Can I please swallow it?”  He nodded, unable to even speak, and he loved the look in her eye as she swished his cum around her mouth and then swallowed.  It still made him make a small disbelieving noise every time she did it.  Rae started to scoop some cum from her face into her mouth and Finn used his cock and fingers to help her and she lapped at it eagerly, swallowing every drop. 

He collapsed back onto the lounge and Rae sat beside him.  Now that she had cum, and her desires had been so satisfied, the idea of any kind of anal penetration was again repugnant to her.

“It’s not back on the table.”  She said firmly.

“I know, it’s ok.”  Finn answered immediately.  But Rae had to admit, that when she was really horny, the idea was less disgusting and more arousing and she really didn’t know how she felt about that.  “It never has to go back on the table.”  He got up and got the video out of the machine, “But it don’t mean you can’t rub one out to it, right?”  Rae bit her bottom lip.

“I s’pose.”  She said tentatively.  “As long as it doesn’t give you any ideas.” 

“Not one.”  Finn said with a devilish grin that made Rae hit his shin as he walked back to her.

“Shall we keep these then?”

“Oh aye!”  She answered, “Do you think you could get some more from Chop?”

“Alright girl?”  Finn asked with a bemused tone.

“Shut up.”  Rae blushed.  “I just thought we could maybe watch some more rough ones… and I could get some ideas.”  She looked at him earnestly, “You know so much more about this stuff than me.  And… I wanna know more.”  She pouted her lips slightly, and looked down, the blush across her face was beautiful. 

“Porn only really shows one way to have sex.”  He shrugged.

“Yeah but I wanna know that way real well.”  She gave him a pleading look.

“Rough ones?”

“As rough as they come.”  Rae said brazenly, but Finn could see her trepidation underneath her words.

“You know that stuff’s no joke?  It gets quite rough…”

“Good cos I’m not joking.”  Rae answered seriously.

“Oh you really want schooling huh?”  He couldn’t believe his luck; he’d hoped to be able to use porn to introduce ideas to her, and now she was the one asking for that. 

“Aye.”  She teased.  “And between you and the pornos, I think I’ll get a good education.  What d’you think?”

“But you’re already an A grade student.”  He ran his fingers through her hair.

“I don’t wanna be a student Finn.  Time to graduate.”  Finn felt his insides tingle at the possibilities. 

“I’m not fooling with you Rae.”  He tried one last time to make sure she wanted to really go down this path, “pornographic movies are very one-sided.  They focus on male pleasure.”  He looked down at her naked body and sighed lustfully, “If we do go down that path, it’ll only be teaching you how to please me.”

“I wanna know how to do that.”

“You do that already.”  He answered honestly, “but this is different.  Some o’ the stuff I seen…”  Finn felt himself being turned on in spite of himself and it surprised him, “It doesn’t take into account her pleasure at all.  And I need for there to be a lot o’ pleasing you involved, or I can’t get off, you understand?”  He looked her in the eye, “I’ve said it afore, and I stand by it; the best thing about sex is your pleasure… seeing you cum…”

“I’m not suggesting that I don’t cum again Finn!”  Rae said with surprise that he had even thought that, “And I’m not suggesting I become a mindless, cock worshipping, porno girl either.”  She paused, “Well not all the time anyway.”  She saw desire in his eyes when she added that hint that maybe sometimes she could be that, “I’m just saying that sometimes… sometimes I don’t want it to be about me.  Sometimes I want it to be about you.”

“Alright.”  He answered slowly, “But that’s not necessarily rough porn…”

“And sometimes I want it to hurt, Finn.”  She answered anxiously, “I hope you don’t think I’m weird.  Cos it’s not all the time that I want that.  And I don’t want you to think that-”

“Remember that thing you did with the wax?”  Finn interjected.  Rae nodded slowly, “I want you to do it again.”  He grinned, “I understand Rae.”

“Then why are you warning me off it?”

“Cos porn is so dick orientated, some of it really doesn’t give a fuck about the women, and I don’t want us to get like that.”

“Then see that we don’t.”  She ordered in an imperious tone and he nodded, understanding that they’d have to work to maintain balance and when he thought about it, they already were doing that.  He watched her fidget slightly.  “But sometimes Finn…”  She swallowed and looked down.  He watched her build her confidence and she looked up at him defiantly, “sometimes I want you to just take complete control of me, have all the power and just… just fuck me like you don’t give a fuck about me.  Like I’m an object to use to get you off.  Like the only thing that matters is that you cum.”  She looked down again, all her bravado gone.  “Am I sick?”

“Sometimes I want you to do that to me.”  He confessed and she looked up with a hopeful and very heated look in her eye, “am I sick Rae?”  He asked pointedly.  She shook her head and continued with her part of the fantasy. 

“I think it’s so sexy, the idea that my body could get you off with no need for me to try and be sexy or do anything – just you using my body is enough.”  She said and Finn nodded.

“And it’s like you’d be using me to help you masturbate.”  Finn said with a lusty grin, “I want that so bad.” 

“So there’s no movies where the girl’s doing that then?”

“Not that I’ve seen.”  Finn said, “But I can try and find some.”  He bit his lip. “There’s plenty where the guys do that to the girls though… and in some movies they do stuff so the girls won’t cum… it’s part o’ the fun for ‘em.”

“Well…”  Rae said slowly, “I guess we can play that game sometimes… you can make it up to me at other times.”  Finn decided not to tell her that the way they did that was by doing no vaginal or clitoral stimulation at all, and just nodded his head in agreement, knowing that something like that would drive her crazy.  He thought that maybe he’d like to do that to her for a day; watch her go wild with desire and aching.  And then go down on her at the end of it.  He didn’t know it but Rae was having similar thoughts.  He cleared his throat and thought about other problems with getting all the rough pornos to watch and learn from. 

“Sometimes they get off on hurting the girl.”  He said softly.

“Like Tom gets off on inflicting pain?”  Rae asked and Finn raised his eyebrows, he’d forgotten that he knew a real life sadist. 

“Yeah but I don’t think I could be like Tom.”  Finn shook his head, “That guy is serious about that stuff.”

“So we’ll be like…”  She thought for the right words, “Tom junior?”

“So you want me to hurt you?”  He lowered his eyes, “more than I already have, I mean?”

“Why do you think I keep telling you to go harder Finn?  And asking you to leave your mark on me?”  Finn’s brows furrowed.

“I guess I hadn’t let myself think about it.” 

“Do you not wanna do it?’  Rae asked, fear gripping at her stomach.  Had she gone too far?

“It’s not that.”  He lowered his head, clearly having trouble reconciling two conflicting thoughts.  “You’re the love of me life Rae.  I feel like I should protect you and nurture you and wrap you up in my arms tenderly and make love to you… the thought of deliberately hurting you and getting off on it is the opposite of all o’ that.”

“So you don’t wanna do it?”

“Oh god Rae but I do.”  He said in a hurried urgent voice.  “god help me but I wanna hear you scream in pain, and then in pleasure.  And I worry that…”

“That you’re sick?”  He nodded in reply.  “Me too.  Cos I want you to do it to me.  I want you to have the power and just do whatever you want to me… no questions asked.”  Finn felt like ants were crawling through his guts; he so wanted that.  “But I wanna do it to you too.  I don’t want it to be one sided.  I wanna share power Finn.”

“Me too.”  He grinned.  “I want you to tie me down and make me do stuff.” 

“Like what stuff?”  Rae asked excited.

“I don’t even know!”  Finn laughed.  “I just want it.” 

“I want pornos with all of this in it.”  Rae ordered and Finn was too excited to think about how he was gonna ask Chop for this stuff. 

“Alright.”  He answered with a grin.  “I’ll see what I can get.”  She broke out into a grin and threw her arms around his neck as if he’d agreed to buy her a pony or something sweet and innocent.

“Thank you!” 

“I can’t believe you girl!”  He said as he rubbed his hands down her spine; it was like she was made to fulfil his fantasies.  She grinned and kissed him deeply.  When she stopped kissing him, he pulled a face. 

“It doesn’t taste like shit!”  She said before he had the chance to say anything.  He hated the way his cum tasted, but it never stopped him from kissing her.

“I’ll get you some water.”  He stood up and dropped his jeans finally before sauntering into the kitchen.  Rae leaned back on the lounge, quite pleased with how her gamble had paid off. 

 

[ _ ‘Hourly Daily’ by You Am I _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk3h9VLvABQ)

She packed the suitcase carefully, going through every drawer slowly.  This room had been her home for weeks and weeks.  But now she was well enough to leave.

_Dad were so mad that I decided to move in with Chop permanently.  Mum were more understanding but she did plead with me a little.  Told me it was too much too soon and I was too young._

_Funny how nearly dying alters your perception of too much or too soon, and definitely of too young._

_The five year survival rate for my type o’ Leukaemia is only 40%_

_And nearly half of us that do survive will relapse._

_And then there’s the risk of secondary cancers.  That the aggressive treatment they had to give me to treat the leukaemia will lead to another cancer forming…_

_Yes.  It was quite easy to tell me mum bollocks.  Bollocks to too fast and too young.  What else do I have but today?_

_Me oncologist keeps telling me that cos I were under 20 when I got it and I responded well to treatment, my prognosis is quite good._

_Ha!  In five years’ time, if I’m still alive, I’ll believe her then.  Until that day, I am gonna remind myself every day that I might not have that many left._

Izzy ran her hands through the short growth of hair she had.  It had been quite exciting to see it growing back, although it was darker and wirier than previously.  Apparently it’d go back to normal over time. 

Chop came in and watched her for a while as she looked around the room.  He leaned against the wall and shoved his hands into his pockets.  He knew better than to try and help her.  She’d been feeling weak and needy for months.  Now that she was stronger and able to move around freely, she had no intention of giving up that little bit of independence. 

She put Rae’s dress on a coat hanger and hung it on the curtain rail that went around her bed; she’d been working on the lace hemlines, hand sewing for hours.  She had also sewn up a simple dress for herself for the summer ball with a bateau neckline a slim silver belt and a slit up the left leg that went almost right up to the hip.  No details, nothing fancy, just beautiful material in a stunning navy blue.  Chop had had to choose the material.  He’d gone alone to a fabric store and wandered around uselessly for an hour before he saw it.  He’d bought three times the amount she needed.  The material had designed the dress for her, it was a magnificent silk fabric that she instantly loved.  The dress was almost straight, simply pulled in by the belt; the drape at the waist just perfect.  It looked spectacular on her, and she knew it.  It had taken her just 20 minutes to sew; Chop had smuggled in her sewing machine in the middle of the night.  He’d just gotten back from putting it back in the car.  She was leaving today.  She could have sewn the dress at home.  But she had wanted to do it right at that moment she got the idea for the dress.  So Chop had made it happen.  Izzy looked at her dress and folded it into her bag carefully.

He watched the way his t-shirt drowned her and tried not to let the fear sink back into his gut.  He’d heard the doctors talking, saying she needed to start gaining weight.  But she was still struggling to keep food down.  He watched her slide some jeans on and she turned and saw him.  She gave him a reassuring smile before looking around the room again, nodding that she was done.  He picked up her bag, draped Rae’s dress over his arm, and then held out a hand to her.  Izzy took a deep breath, and grinning widely she took his hand.

They walked out of the hospital together.  There was no one else there.  Izzy had deliberately not told anyone else when she was leaving.  She didn’t want a big party.  She wanted to go home and make love to Chop.  Beautiful, strangely calm, and completely supportive Chop.  Apart from the first few days, when he was lost and didn’t know how to cope, he had been there every single minute of every day.  He had lost weight and lost sleep and lost money from not working.  He looked exhausted, but also like he had as much left in the tank as she needed. 

The minute she walked in the door at Chop’s place she took off her clothes, leaving a trail of them to the bedroom.  Chop grinned and put her bag down and draped Rae’s over the kitchen side before following her.  She undressed him slowly kissing him tenderly.  Sighing she ran her fingers down his chest.

“I’ve missed this.”  She whispered to him.

“Me too.”  He could barely speak, the raw emotion of finally getting her out of that hospital after what seemed like endless nights of praying by her bed while she lay in a coma, and the weeks of chemo that followed that, filled his throat.  He stroked her short hair and smiled lovingly at her.  The last time they’d made love was at the coast with the gang laughing at the noise Izzy was making while she finally lost her o-plates.  That had been months ago.  Chop almost felt like he’d forgotten how to do this thing.  But her slow, insistent hands and her deep need reminded him.  His hands gently caressed her fragile body and she shivered in delight.

“Welcome home Isabella.”  He lifted her into his arms and carefully laid her down in their bed. 

He took his time kissing her whole body, but he didn’t tease her or make her wait, this was not the time for that, this was a moment of blessed union after months of pain and grief.  When Chop kissed Izzy’s vagina she relaxed into the bed, closed her eyes and let her body simply enjoy every sensation as he made love to her with his mouth.  Chop didn’t try to find the sweet spots, this wasn’t about making her cum as often as possible, this was about them being together in this way again finally.  He licked her slowly and passionately, knowing she would cum eventually, but not focusing on that.  his mind was taken up entirely by the taste and scent of her, by how incredible it was to be doing this again when he thought he’d never be making love to her again… when he honestly thought she was going to die.  His body was filled with the understanding of what a privilege it was to be able to lie with the woman you love.  His heart swelled with the honour of her letting him touch her.  He heard her deep groan growing as her fingers found his hair.  A sense of pride filled him when she shook with orgasm.  He knew that this lovemaking wasn’t about that, it was about enjoying that they actually could make love again… but he still felt the pride, especially when he looked up and saw colour on her usually pale cheeks; she had been pale all the time since the pneumonia.  Now she was flushed with colour and it elated him.

Being inside of her again literally bought tears to his eyes.  And the way she looked at him told him that this was as much a spiritual experience for her as it was for him.  It was the first time during sex that Chop found himself barely needing to move to find intense pleasure.  Just being inside of her again was the most exquisite sensation he had ever experienced.  The way her breath felt on his face, the way her eyes stayed looking deep into his the whole time, her arms holding him closely. 

“I love you Izzy.”  He whispered to her, “I am so hopelessly yours.” 

“I love you.”  She breathed and leaned up to kiss his lips. 

They were kissing, slowly, deeply when Chop came with nothing more than a quickened sigh; the sensation of his orgasm too intense to vocalise, the sounds of Izzy’s soft moans too important for him to drown out with his own sound. 

They lay entwined for some time, stroking each other and looking into each other’s eyes in between tender kisses. 

After a while Chop worried about her and got her some water and food.

“You take such good care o’ me.”  She told him with a huge grin before drinking, and even managing to eat a little.

“I got a little something for you.”  Chop reached into the top drawer beside the bed.  Izzy grinned, knowing that the top drawer beside the bed was where Chop kept all of his important things.  He pulled out some papers and handed them to her.  “It’s kinda boring stuff.  But important stuff.”  He said softly.  “I had to get a fucking lawyer to sort it all out!”  He shook his head and watched her closely as her eyes scanned the first document.  It was an excerpt from the land registry stating that the premises they were in was owned by Arnold Peters and Isabella Reid.  She looked up at him, stunned.

“Chop?”  She asked in a bewildered tone.

“I got me lawyer to put the flat into both our names.”  He gave her a small smile, “this place belongs to both of us baby girl.”  He saw her eyes light up and felt himself grinning.  She reached over and kissed him, her arms around his neck.  She clung to him, and he could feel that she was crying, so he explained the other papers rather than trying to get her to read them.

“The other stuff is my will.  I leave everything to you.  I’ve also got some legal next o’ kin stuff that make you my guardian if I can’t make me own choices for any reason and-” She was kissing him, the papers still clutched in her hand, her arms around his neck.  She had seen the date on the land registry entry excerpt; it was the day before she’d accepted his engagement ring.  He’d planned to give her everything he owned before he even knew if she’d have him. 

 

[ _ ‘Minute Waltz’ by Frederic Chopin _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KESTJm1g_N0&feature=kp)

Finn looked down at his feet and tried to keep count. 

“You’re better than I thought you’d be.”  Archie said.  Finn thought back to Kester, jumping up and teaching him to waltz when he’d been angry, in therapy. 

“I’ve had a lesson.”  He said with a wry grin. 

“Just the one?”  Archie asked as he let Finn lead him.

“Aye.”  Finn bit his bottom lip and concentrated.

“Don’t look at your feet.”  Archie reminded him and Finn looked up at Archie’s face as they danced in Finn’s room. 

“Thanks for doing this.”  Finn mumbled and Archie shrugged.

“It’s alright; I got plenty o’ time.”

“Why aren’t you going?”  Finn asked concerned and losing his concentration he stepped on Archie’s foot.  Archie made an annoyed sound and glared at him.  “Sorry!”  Finn looked back down at his feet wishing that he wasn’t going.  Last year Stacey had successfully campaigned to change the college’s end of year summer ball usually held in May from a semi-formal, loose, fun kind of dance to a formal meal, followed by a formal dance, then followed by an informal dance now held on the last Friday night of the school year.  Everyone was expected to know how to waltz, and he had to wear black tie.  He wished he didn’t have to go, he hadn’t gone last year; he thought the whole formal idea was stupid.  But this year Izzy had made Rae a dress for it, and even though Rae was inclined to agree with Finn’s assessment of the whole idea, Izzy’s dress coupled with Chloe and Izzy’s excitement meant that Rae was going.  Which meant that Finn was going. 

“I’m not going cos I’m a fag, Finn.”  Archie said sadly.

“Alright well sign me up Archer, cos I am not looking forward to tonight.”  Archie laughed at him, “Why does being gay stop you from going?”

“You get to take Rae.  Could I take Tom do you think?”  Archie said bitterly. 

“I can’t see Principal Dixon or Elsa stopping you.”  Finn answered with wide eyed surprise.  The possibility that Archie and Tom wouldn’t be welcome hadn’t even crossed his mind.  

“I’m sure the ‘concerned parents brigade’ might have something to say about it.”  Archie said with a rueful smile.

“C’mon, you graduated now, you’re never going back; it’s not like they can expel you.”  Finn encouraged him but Archie gave him an unconvinced look, “You gotta go if the girls are making me go!”  Finn pleaded.  “And we both know Tom’d love it… whether he’s welcome or no.”  Finn teased.

“I s’pose.”  Archie agreed with a small smile, “He does love to dance… and beat the shit out o’ homophobes.”  His smile broadened.

“You gotta come Archer!”  Finn pushed.

“Alright.”  Archie caved in and Finn clapped his back triumphantly.  “Does mean I can’t keep teaching you for much longer.”

“S’alright.”  Finn grinned, “Rae doesn’t know how to waltz either.”  He shrugged.

“You’ll ruin Stacey’s formal dance Finn.”  Archie warned with a serious face that quickly dissolved into chortles.  “Although no one’ll notice you two fucking it up when the two men get up to dance.” 

“Can I dance with you at this thing?”  Finn asked seriously.

“Why?”  Archie laughed.

“I dunno… cos it seems fucked up that you and Tom dancing should be such a big deal.” 

“Won’t you have Rae all night?”

“I’m sure she can manage for one dance mate.”  Finn assured him, “plus she’ll probably wanna have a dance with you too.”

“Alright, we can partner swap as well!”

“Might as well get the rumours going.”  Finn said as if they were planning tactics in a war.  Archie started to giggle.

“Reckon Chop’ll have a whirl too?  With both of us?”

“Well I can’t dance with you and not him, now can I?”  Finn answered.

“Well you will be the prettiest boy at the ball.”  Archie laughed.

“Right so I gotta dance with as many people as I can!”  Finn laughed. 

“Who’s gonna be dancing with Rae while you’re tarting it up?”

“Izzy and Chloe.”  Finn answered without a thought, “And you and Chop and Tom.”  He grinned.  “And I s’pose me for most of it.”  He said happily. 

“You grin like you still got a crush on her.”

“I do.”  Finn answered honestly, “Always will.”

“You managed to waltz for that whole time without stepping on my feet.”  Archie congratulated him, “You’re as ready as you’ll ever be.”  Archie took his hand out of Finn’s and stepped back.  “You’ll probably look pretty suave in a tux too.”  Archie grinned. 

“You gonna be right for a tux?”  Finn asked him.

“Me aunt’s wedding last year.”  Archie reminded him and Finn nodded; his parents had bought him a very nice tuxedo then.  “You hired yours?”

“Yeah, why would I buy one of the fucking things?  I’ll never use it again.”  Finn shook his head.

“That’s what I thought.  And here we are…”  Archie grabbed his things and headed for Finn’s door.  “I’ll see you at the dance then.”

“Come to Rae’s for photos?”  Finn asked and Archie rolled his eyes.

“Alright.”  He answered and left. 

Finn turned to look in his mirror and felt a strange sensation in his stomach.  He took a deep breath.

“Better get ready then.”

 

[ _ ‘All is Full of Love’ by Bjork _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA&feature=kp)

Now that Rae had to go out in public in the dress she was horrified by the prospect.  It’s not that the dress wasn’t beautiful; it was.  It was more that she couldn’t wear underwear under it.  At all.  She looked in the mirror as Izzy knelt in front of her finishing the lace on the hemline. 

“Holy fuck.”  She breathed, looking at her breasts. 

“Your tits look so good in it.”  Chloe agreed; she was sitting in her underwear on Rae’s bed, the girls having all agreed to get ready here.  Everyone’s parents were showing up with the boys soon.  Even Linda and Karim had cleared the house for them today.  Rae looked at Chloe, her face showing her concern and Chloe smiled reassuringly. 

“I’m thinking hair up in a loose curly bun Chlo.”  Izzy said and Chloe nodded.

“Get her hair off her neck so we can see it.”  Chloe agreed.  Rae looked back at her reflection.  The green dress clung to her perfectly, managing to show up her body in a way that even Rae thought was pretty flattering.  It fell to the floor beautifully, with an almost indiscernible hem of green lace topping the satin backed crepe.  It was the top half of the dress that bothered her.  It was short sleaved, and buttoned at the neck with a single button, and Rae didn’t mind so much except for the three almost almond shaped keyholes.  Two smaller ones along the collar bones, filled in with that gorgeous green lace.  And one large one down in between her breasts, the top part of the hole seeming to grow out from where the button clasped at her throat.  Izzy had sewn it carefully, to be the perfect width to ensure her breasts didn’t pop out of this hole, but the fact remained you could see half of her tits.  Their pert roundness popped into view in the keyhole.  The keyhole extended down just past where her breasts stopped, meaning that the full roundness of them was clear.  And then there was the back.  Another almost almond shaped keyhole taking up a great deal of the upper back, filled in with lace.  That was bad enough but there were three lower back almond keyholes too.  The middle keyhole tip seemed to join with the upper back lacy keyhole tip and stopped just before her butt crack started.  There was no lace over this hole, it was bare flesh.  And the two other keyholes extended out over her hips, leaving bare flesh there too.  Wherever there was a hem there was a beautiful thin layer of scalloped lace to make the edge not straight, giving the dress an ornate urgency that was antique in feel, even if the raciness of the keyholes took away all sense of the conservative dress code you’d expect from antiquity.  It was a stunning dress.  It was sensual and sexy, and beautiful and detailed.  Rae’s eyes fell to her breasts again.  She hadn’t noticed how much it showed when she’d tried it on before.  Maybe it’s because she’d worn a singlet and no bra for the fittings at Izzy’s behest, now that she saw her bare flesh, it was quite terrifying to think of going out like this.  It looked like something a starlet should wear on the red carpet; a more beautiful and thinner starlet.

Izzy finished the last bit of sewing and stood back.

“You look stunning Rae.”  Izzy grinned triumphantly.

“You must be real pleased with how it turned out.”  Chloe said, her eyes alight.  “And you’re so brave to wear it Rae.”  Chloe marvelled, “I wouldn’t do it… but then I don’t have them boobs!”  Chloe looked at them with wide eyes.  Rae’s eyes looked back at her boobs in the mirror.  She couldn’t say anything; Izzy was beaming.

“The minute I saw what your bust measurement was Rae I had to do it.  You need big knockers to pull off something like this.”  Izzy said wistfully.  “I wish I could wear it.”  Chloe and Izzy stared longingly at Rae’s chest and she looked back at them with disbelief. 

“They’re fucking annoying.”  She told them.

“But they look great.”  Chloe said, not taking her eyes off them. 

“Alright, maybe we should do my hair.”  Rae tried to take the focus off her breasts for a few minutes so she could gather her thoughts.  She sat down and Chloe came to her and started on her hair. 

“I’ll do your make up.”  Izzy said, “Make it classy.”  She told herself softly as she started.  Twenty minutes later Rae was looking at herself in the mirror, a high, messy, loose, bun of sorts sat at the back of her head, loose curls falling from it.  He eyes looked like rich chocolate and her lips plump pink, almost as if she wore no makeup.  She looked even more like she belonged on a red carpet not at a summer ball.

_I am both over and under dressed for this._

_Finn’s gonna be so embarrassed._

_Oh but it is a beautiful dress._

Rae’s eyes took herself in while Chloe put on her slinky red dress; it was entirely backless and clung to her provocatively: Chloe was back, no more figure hiding baggy clothes.  Izzy was already wearing her navy blue dress, her short hair spiked stylishly and her makeup making a strong statement to contrast with the simplicity of her dress and hair.  Chloe opted for smoky eyes and clear lip gloss and her hair loose in tumbling curls down her bare back.  Chloe took Rae’s hand in hers, and Izzy’s in her other. 

“You know girls… we are three hot bitches.”  She said as she looked in the mirror at their reflections. 

“Well I didn’t wanna be the one to say it.”  Rae joked.

“But we are.”  Izzy said unexpectedly; she was still coming to terms with her short hair, her thinned out frame and her pale ghostly skin.  She still looked ill, but she definitely looked like she was improving.  They grinned at each other and Rae tried to pretend that she wasn’t terrified to be seen in public in Izzy’s dress. 

“I can hear my mum!”  Rae laughed.  “S’pose we better go down soon.”

 

***

 

Gary straightened Finn’s tie and Finn flattened it down feeling nervous.  Chop fixed his cufflinks expertly and grinned at his mother.  Linda brought in chairs from the kitchen while Karim made tea for everyone, Aiesha in a baby carrier on his chest.  Bradley and Victoria were attempting conversation with Chop’s mother, but Anne was more focused on her son than anything. 

“I wonder who Chloe’s taking?”  Chop asked as he checked his bowtie.  Finn kept flattening his tie; made by Izzy in the same green as Rae’s dress.  He didn’t understand why this whole thing made him so nervous. 

“Dunno.”  Finn answered, “But d’you reckon he’ll come here?”  Chop shrugged. 

“Where’s Janice?”  Linda asked Gary when she finally got to sit down next to Chloe’s parents. 

“She moved away.”  Gary said softly his mood suddenly dropping.

“Oh that’s sad.  I quite liked her.” 

“Aye, us too.”  Finn responded as there was a knock on the door.  Linda got up and opened the door, clearly not knowing the person on the doorstep.  Finn and Chop knew this must be Chloe’s date.

“I’m here for Chloe?”  He sounded reassuring, soft even.  But Finn would know that voice anywhere.

“Rhys you fucker!”  He said and all eyes were on him, Chloe and Izzy’s parents looked very unimpressed.

“Language!”  Gary said but Finn was at the door helping Linda show Rhys in.

“I fucking knew it!”  He grinned and then furrowed his brows.  Rhys was clean shaven for the event, no nail polish either.  But he wore a three quarter length jacket, unbuttoned and a beautiful waistcoat that looked quite sophisticated on him. 

“Will you watch your language around Aiesha!”  Linda snapped at Finn.

“Oh right!  Sorry.”  He pulled a face and nodded for Rhys to come him.  Chop clapped Rhys’s back and the three young men stood talking easily, while the parents made stilted conversation.

 

***

 

“It seems ridiculous that we should have to make a grand entrance.”  Rae mumbled as they stood in the kitchen. 

“Do I look alright?”  Izzy asked them.

“You look so beautiful Izzy that I think I might turn lesbian.”  Rae turned to Chloe, “You too.”  Chloe rolled her eyes and tutted at Rae with a grin.

“Right now that we all know that…”  She laughed, “Let’s go.”  She walked into the lounge room first.  Izzy shrugged with a grin and followed.  Rae took a deep breath and then reminded herself not to take deep breaths; it made her breasts move way too much in this dress.  Also on the ‘don’t do’ list was leaning forward or to the side, reaching for things and twisting.  She came into the lounge rooms last.  She saw Chop looking at Izzy with complete love and beamed happily.  Next she took in Rhys saying something in Chloe’s ear.

“I knew it!”  She said to herself but she heard Finn laugh in response, his eyes glued on her.  When she looked at him, she saw that he wasn’t embarrassed at all, she saw how beautiful she was in the reflection of his eyes.  She tried not to bite her bottom lip and walked over to him. 

“Do I scrub up alright?”  She asked softly.

“Oh aye, I s’pose.”  He answered with a huge smile, his fingers instantly tangling in one of her curls, “You’re stunning, you know that, Miss Earl?” 

“Well I gotta do something to keep up with you.”  Her hand went to his chest fondly and they leaned in for a kiss.  Linda’s hand appeared between their mouths and Finn pulled back while Rae turned to look at her mum with furious disbelief.

“No kissing!”  She ordered, “Photographs first.”  She reminded. 

“Bloody hell Rae!”  Chop laughed nodding to her chest.

“Hey.”  Finn warned in a joking voice and Chop turned to Izzy

“Nice dress Iz.”  He kissed Izzy’s forehead and put an arm around her waist and she grinned proudly; she wanted everyone to respond with awe when they saw Rae tonight.  Linda raised her eyebrows and sucked her teeth in silent disapproval, but she knew that Izzy had made the dress so she bit her tongue and wondered if she could get Rae to wear the pretty lace jacket Linda had bought herself last year to cover up her boobs.  A knock on the door interrupted Linda’s planning and Karim went to open it.  It was Archie, Tom straightening his hair, and fussing over Archie, both in stylish tuxedos.  Archie’s mother hurried up behind with chocolate cake and grinned happily as she saw little Aiesha peering around silently in the baby carrier. 

“Oh good, you’re in time for the photos!”  Linda said, “Come on Archie!”  Archie and Tom came in, holding hands and the gang greeted them happily, Tom and Rhys hugging fondly. 

“Are they going to be in the group photo?”  Anne asked with obvious distaste as she watched Archie and Tom, and it seemed that Bradley and Anne finally had something they agreed about.  Izzy shot her father a warning glare while Archie’s mother looked completely taken aback at what Anne had said.

“Yes Mum!”  Chop said firmly.  “Archie’s one of me best mates.”  Anne started to protest but Linda started to organise the photo loudly trying to get everyone to stand in the right places.  Archie and Tom shared a glance; tonight was going to be full of these moments and Tom had been mentally preparing Archie the whole time they got dressed.  Archie looked over at Chloe to see her glaring at her own parents, her mother was looking back with pleading eyes while her father glared at Rhys.  For his part Rhys just grinned at Chloe’s dad. 

“It’s not just us.”  Archie pointed out to Tom softly and Tom shook his head in dismay.  They watched as Chloe took Rhys’s hand resolutely, her father scowling and her mother lowering her eyes.  It was at that moment that everyone started to become aware of the two battles in the room.  Anne the strict Catholic not coping with a gay couple, and Chloe’s parents not liking that she was dating a black man.  But Linda rose to the challenge, organising the photos and ignoring the bigoted undercurrents in the room admirably; everyone would be in the photos regardless of the personal opinions of a few closed minded parents; she made that very clear. 

“But it’ll throw the boy, girl balance out.”  Anne tried to protest as Linda organised the gang. 

“Don’t talk rubbish!”  She answered firmly and took the photo of the group.  Next she took a few photos of each couple, including each couple having a quick, chaste kiss.  Linda grinned at Anne’s discomfort when she took a photo of Tom and Archie giving each other a chaste peck on the lips.  When it came to Chloe’s turn Chloe blushed and looked up at Rhys.  She and Rhys hadn’t kissed yet, and when the time came, he kissed her cheek gently.  Rae grinned as she saw Chloe’s face light up; Rhys was respectful of her boundaries, of how slow she needed to go.  Rae liked Rhys a lot. 

Rae and Finn’s kiss had turned into a deep and passionate kiss and Linda had scowled at them, while Gary looked away and apologised to the other parents. 

_How is it that I earned the right to call her me girl?_

_What did I do?  I need to know so I can keep doing it._

_She’s so beautiful right now._

_Not just cos o’ the obvious reasons…_

_But cos she were brave enough to wear Izzy’s dress, even though I can feel her shaking with nerves and fear._

_A year ago there’s no way she would’ve done this.  A year is so short a length of time.  And on Monday, I’ll have known her a year.  Where’d it go?  It feels like it were barely yester that I met her._

Finn held her to him and looked into her eyes.

“I love you.”  He whispered softly to her before kissing her again, Linda tutting and Izzy fretting over the state of Rae’s lipstick.  Linda decided to take other photos and the parents had chocolate cake and tried not to notice them, the gang were too used to them by now and just chatted away easily all around the kissing couple.

_I understand why I was nervous now.  It’s cos I knew she’d be too beautiful for me.  There isn’t a person alive that compares to her, and every time I see her I’m reminded of that._

_Rae in that dress, looking like an utter knock-out, even though she terrified of being seen in it, it does things to me.  And I knew it would.  I knew tonight were gonna be special like that._

_Every time I see her rise to any challenge… She’s stunning when she like this.  She’s stunning all the time really, but there’s something special about her in these moments of strength and bravery… oh fuck… I have to have her.  Now.  But I can’t._

_How did I manage to get her?  Why does she let a slob like me call her me girl?_

Finn tried to stop kissing Rae, he tried to be the gentleman he knew he was supposed to be being. 

“Jesus.’  Rae whispered when Finn finally managed to stop, his breath coming in silent gasps of desire. 

“Let me fix her lipstick so you can do a photo.”  Izzy said and Linda waited while Izzy sorted through her bag, carrying her own lipstick as well as Rae’s; she knew Rae would never think to.  After she’d fixed Rae’s lipstick she turned to Finn and wiped his mouth.

“Behave!”  She told him with a pleased grin and went back to Chop.  The way Finn had responded to the dress was what really told Izzy she’d done a good job.  There’s was the only ‘kissing’ photo that had no kissing in it.  They were looking into each other’s eyes with love and desire that was almost palpable in the photograph; both knowing that even the smallest, peck on the lips would set them off again.  Not only was Finn mentally turned on right now by her strength, but physically he was dancing on the edge of being too lustful to be seen in public.  That dress fit her perfectly, and it was very obvious that she wore no underwear at all. 

Linda continued to take photos in various groupings; now it was parents with couples.  Archie turned to Rae to comment on how pissed off Chloe’s father looked and saw her dress properly for the first time.

“Bloody hell Rae.  Stop it; you’ll turn me.”  He joked and Tom laughed and nodded in agreement.

“Great tits.”  He said and when Finn shot him a look he shrugged.  “I can say that I’m gay.”  Finn furrowed his brows and shook his head.

“Finn you can’t spend all night telling people not to look at ‘em, it’s impossible.”  Chloe laughed and took an obvious look.  Rae blushed and mouthed the word ‘sorry’ at Finn but he shook his head and grinned.

“No I like you in that dress.”  He whispered, “Don’t be sorry for how good you look.”  He straightened his tie again, “I don’t look nearly as good as you… you must be embarrassed to be seen with me.”  He said, not realising the parallel he was drawing to her previous fears that it was embarrassing for him to be seen with her.  Rae felt an odd surge of confidence and self-assuredness. 

“I could never be.”  She shook her head, “You’re so sexy it makes me knickers wet.”  She whispered to him.

“What knickers?” He mumbled back, his hand gently falling over her arse.  Rae grinned deviously and Finn felt his cock starting to throb in response to her confidence. 

_I want you._

He wrote the words across her rump and upper back thigh and Rae felt her pussy start to tingle.

“Tonight’s gonna be a long night.”  She said softly to him as Bradley and Victoria stood beside Izzy and Chop for a photo, Linda directing them all loudly.  There were many conversations and all the noise started Aiesha crying, so Karim hugged Rae, shook Finn’s hand and headed upstairs with her.  Once Linda was satisfied with the amount of photographs she’d taken and had promised to do copies for everyone, they all headed outside.  Chop had organised to borrow his grandfather’s limousine for the night and now everyone stood around it talking and hugging.  The eight of them poured into the back, Rae intensely aware of the dangers of getting in and out of cars in this dress.  Chop’s grandfather had sent his driver and several bottles of expensive champagne with the limo.  Chop popped one and started to pour glasses for everyone. 

“Right fuckers.”  Chop said once he had finished, “let’s have a fucking blinder tonight yeah?”  The gang cheered, Tom and Rhys sharing a momentary glance before laughing merrily as everyone clinked glasses and drank it down speedily, ready to start on a second glass before the limo had even pulled out of Rae’s street.

 

[  _‘Debaser’ by The Pixies_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P3lhrwio-M&feature=kp)

The first thing Rae noticed when they pulled up was Elsa at the entrance to the hotel directing people to the hired hall.  She was wearing a tightly fitted tuxedo with tails, impossibly high stilettos, her bowtie deliberately left undone and the top few buttons on her shirt unbuttoned, finished with immaculate hair and makeup with that bright red lipstick that Rae loved so much. 

“I officially have a crush on Elsa.”  Rae mumbled and Finn looked out the window of the limo and simply accepted Rae’s words; she did look good again.  She always did.  They all piled out of the limo, laughing and slightly tipsy from downing several glasses of champagne on the way there.  Rhys and Tom still respectable and sober, but smiling fondly at the gang as Archie stumbled and they all laughed.  Rhys looked over and saw Elsa, instantly he went to her and they shared a warm hug and some private words.  Rae noticed the intimacy between them, it wasn’t sexual, at least not anymore, but there was a closeness there that would always remain.  They had gone through something together.  They were still talking when Tom sauntered over and Elsa clearly recognised him too.  And it was Finn who went next.  Rae noticed that as they stood talking to the driver, organising when he’d pick them up.  She followed him and he slipped his arm around her waist as they chatted with Elsa, mostly about the boxing joint; Finn was surprised Elsa knew the place because he’d never seen her there. 

“It’s good to see you back Izzy.”  Elsa said as Izzy, Chop, Archie and Chloe approached them.  Elsa watched as Rhys took Chloe’s hand without comment.  A group of other students came up and Elsa directed them to the hall with a warm smile.  Archie noticed a couple of the girls staring at Tom and pointed it out to him.  Tom grinned and put his arm around Archie’s shoulders.

“Can’t give them false hope.”  He smiled that stunning smile of his at Archie and Archie felt himself almost melting into a puddle of desire at his feet. 

“It’s not fair how attractive you are.”  Archie mumbled.

“Have you seen yourself?”  Tom asked and kissed him gently.  She didn’t know why, but Rae felt herself watching Elsa for any signs of trouble.  There’d already been a miniature drama with Anne this evening, and Rae felt strangely protective of Archie and Tom’s relationship.  But Elsa made no sign of being concerned about Tom and Archie kissing. 

“You look spectacular.”  Elsa said softly to Rae as they all started to leave to go into the hall.  That was it, she was already talking to the next group arriving, but Rae felt elated.  Her mother had said nothing other than urging her to put on that hideous lace thing she owned, and it had knocked Rae’s confidence a little.  Gary had given her a warm hug and told her she looked wonderful and had teared up a little while Finn shook his head, embarrassed by his father’s sentimentality.  Having Elsa, someone she so admired tell her that she looked okay when she felt so self-conscious was very meaningful, especially since Elsa wasn’t known for giving out compliments.  They walked into the hall laughing and joking. 

“Hey Phillip!”  Chloe called out and Finn rolled his eyes.  Phillip turned to them and looked momentarily stunned.  Finn watched as Phillip took Rae in as she was looking over to Izzy and Rhys as they chatted.  Finn saw the desire in Phillip’s eyes; Finn knew that ache, he’d experienced it himself. 

“Hey Dillip.”  Finn popped the p and glared at Phil.

“It’s Phillip.”  Said the girl with him but Phillip turned to her and shook his head.

“It’s fine.”  He said softly, “Flynn here is incapable of remembering the names of people that are wholly unimportant to him.”  Finn grinned in response; the game was on.  It didn’t matter that Phil had a date, everyone who saw the way he looked at Rae knew where his heart truly laid.  And it wasn’t just Finn who’d seen it.  Chop had too, and he was glaring at Phillip with almost as much distaste as Finn.  Finn noticed Chop’s glare and was glad to have Chop to back him tonight because Phil scrubbed up in a tuxedo far too well for Finn’s liking.  Phillip had Sue from the arts centre with him, she looked beautiful and Rae raised an eyebrow at him but Phillip shook his head shyly. 

“Holy fuck Earl what are you trying to do to the male population of the world?”  It was Mike.  “It should be illegal to wear stuff like that!”  He looked at her breasts blatantly and laughed, “I’m gonna miss you girl!”  He hugged her unexpectedly and Rae gave Finn a look of surprise.  “I may have already hit the booze!”  He laughed and everyone around them started to laugh too as he held on to Rae.  Archie put a calming hand on Finn’s shoulder when he noticed Finn’s body tense up.  But Finn was getting that temper of his under control and took a deep breath.  Phillip gently put a hand on Mike’s shoulder and Mike turned to him.  “Phil!”  He hugged Phil and Rae gave Phil a thankful look that Finn noticed with a scowl.  And Izzy just glowed with delight; everyone was noticing Rae in that dress, Finn was a mixture of pleased and insanely jealous and Rae just kept on looking beautiful. 

“I did good.”  She told Chop and Chop nodded, but noticing Finn’s face, he was glad Izzy wasn’t wearing something similar; he would have flattened Mike, Finn had held it together well. 

“Fucking Phillip.”  He mumbled as they were ushered to their table.  “Fucking Mike.”  Rae smiled and shook her head at his grumpy mood.  The dozen or so round tables were lined along one side of the room, leaving a dance floor on the other side of the large hall.  But Rae was too busy looking at Finn’s grumpy face to notice the beautiful decorations. 

“I love you.”  She told him fondly and he smiled begrudgingly in response, the smile slowly becoming genuine as he saw his diamond around her neck, hanging above the breasts that every male in the place was staring at. 

“I love you too Mrs Nelson.”  He answered, taking a seat and Rae sat down next to him, his hand instantly went to her thigh and began to write messages to her.

_You are so beautiful._

_I’m so lucky to have you._

_I love you so much._

She smiled and glanced at him after each message and watched as everyone settled into their seat; Archie sat next to Finn, Tom next to him.  Chloe of course sat next to Rae with Rhys beside her, Chop next to Rhys and Izzy next to Chop.  The table could seat 14 so there were 6 more people to come. 

_Be with me forever?_

“Of course.”  She said under her breath to him.

“Just making sure.”  He grinned.

“Why?”

“Cos I can’t believe me luck.”  She kissed him and Archie nudged Finn.

“Get off each other for two minutes!”  He laughed as Chloe motioned for Phillip to sit with them.  Phillip sat opposite Rae, Sue next to him, and Mike sat in between her and Izzy.  Macca came and sat next to Phil, Kristi and Sam had come together and they took that last two seats.  Rae was glad that they’d managed to get a pretty good mix of people; she noticed Stacey and a good looking guy that didn’t go to their school being seated at the next table and shuddered.  Poor Josh and Kurt ended up on that table, and she saw Kurt look back at them wistfully while Josh laughed awkwardly with Stacey as she flirted with him.  Rae saw Stacey’s eyes flit over to their table and linger on Finn before glancing at Rae, her jaw dropping.  Amy, Vicki and Lois sat at the table with their dates and the girls instantly put their heads together.

“On no.”  Rae mumbled and Finn looked at her.”

“What is it?”

“Well if some girls are gonna dress like sluts, it really does bring down the tone of the whole evening.”  Stacey said loudly. 

“I couldn’t agree more.”  Vicki turned her eyes to Rae, “they should stop girls from coming in if they look like common street whores.”  Finn and Izzy both opened their mouths to reply, but it was Mike, slightly drunk as he was, that was quickest off the mark.

“Oh go fuck yourselves!”  He answered boozily, “You wish you had knockers like that!”  He turned and looked at them, “cos every one of your lads has been staring at her tits since they got here.”  He looked at Stacey’s date, “except for him.”  He looked him up and down, “he’s gay.”  He turned back around to the table, “cos only a homo wouldn’t be looking at them boobs!”  He declared loudly.

“Us fags had a good look too.”  Tom pointed at himself and Archie and Mike blinked at them momentarily and turned back to the stunned group on Stacey’s table.

“My mistake.  Only blind people aren’t looking at them badonkadonks.”

“Greg isn’t looking because he’s my boyfriend and he’s not into blue whales!”  Stacey spat.

“That’s your fucking cousin Stace!  Hi Greg, long time no see me ol’ pal.”  Finn called back and that was it.  The two tables were at each other, Rae’s table laughing and throwing insults, Stacey’s table loud and angry.  And Finn just sat back and watched what he had wrought.  Rae crossed her arms across her chest but Finn shook his head at her.

“Don’t you dare let Stacey bloody Stringfellow get to you.”  He said and kissed her passionately.  By the time they’d stopped kissing Rhys, Sam and Josh had managed to calm everyone down.

“Is that really her cousin?”  She asked Finn softly.

“How should I know?  I’ve never fucking seen him before.”  Rae giggled and he grinned mischievously, “But the look on her face were good, aye?”

“Aye.”  She agreed.  Mike was a funny and slightly offensive drunk, and he managed to keep them all entertained while they waited for dinner. 

“I can’t believe how funny hot Mike is when he’s drunk.”  Chloe whispered to her and Rae chuckled as Mike suddenly looked at Finn.

“Wait…”  He said meaningfully, “You’re dating Rae?” 

“Aye.”  Finn said as if Mike were a simpleton.  “Everyone knows that.”  He raised an eyebrow at Mike, “you know that.  Remember the art class?” 

“Yeah I know…. that’s not the point…”  He raised a finger, “what I mean is… how did a grumpy sod like you get the funniest girl in school?”  His question was met with laughter from everyone, even Finn had to laugh. 

“I ask myself that everyday Mike.”  Finn was going to miss mike, he was a good laugh. 

“So who are you?”  He turned to Sue and she looked a bit surprised.

“I’m Sue.”  She answered with a grin.

“Phillip’s girl.  Right.”  He pointed to Macca.

“So I guess you’re my date?”

“Must be.”  Macca laughed.

”You’re the other homo pairing.”  Mike pointed at Tom and Archie; “You’re the first homos!”

“I know that’s how my mother likes to think of us.”  Tom replied and Archie scoffed; Tom’s parents was virulently homophobic. 

“Tits McGee.”  He pointed at Rae then looked at Chloe, “you got the coolest looking date here!”  He looked at Rhys, “D’you reckon you could kill me with your bare fists?”

“Probably.”  Rhys answered with a straight face.

“I knew it.”  Mike sighed wistfully and Rae shook her head.  He was strange, but he was still hot.  “And we got our ginger ninja.”  He looked over at Izzy and stopped, “Holy fuck, Arnie!”  He looked at Chop expectantly and Chop stared at him uncomprehendingly for a moment before he remembered him.

“Mickey!  You fucking cunt!”  They hugged over the table.

“How’s your sister?”  Mike asked with a fond grin.

“Don’t you fucking talk about me sister you piece o’ shit.”  Chop’s good mood was instantly gone. 

“What happened with which sister?”  Izzy asked, being quite fond of Chop’s sisters and then realisation hit her.  “YOU’RE THE MIKE!”  She said suddenly, “You-”

“Hey!”  Chop stopped her from finishing the sentence.  Rae’s ears pricked up and she saw the body language between Chop and Mike.  Something juicy had happened there. 

“D’you reckon I can see her?”

“No I don’t.”  Chop answered, “I only like you when you’re not talking about my sister, right?”

“Alright… but you should know it weren’t me.”  He said softly and Chop looked at him confused.  A waiter brought them food and Mike’s attention was quickly diverted elsewhere.

“What was that?” Rae asked Finn and Finn put his lips to her ear.

“Chop’s little sister, Dawn, got pregnant last year.”  Rae’s eyes opened wide as Finn continued, “She were 15 and she decided to keep it.  I don’t know what happened after that.”  He shrugged, “I figure that’s what they’re talking about but I can’t be sure.” 

“Why would Chop be so nice to him?”

“They used to be best mates when they was younger, before I knew him.  I guess that still counts for something.”

“But you’ve known Chop for years.”

“Four.”  Finn answered.

“They must’ve been real close for Chop to accept Mike knocking up his baby sister,”

“He’s got a lot o’ sisters Rae, and they’re pretty strong willed about not taking the macho shit in that family.”  Finn answered.

“And you can’t just blame one person for it, even if Mike is older.”  Rae acknowledged.

“He just said it weren’t him.”  Finn narrowed his eyes.

“We should gossip more often.”  Rae grinned at Finn and he rolled his eyes with cheeky grin on his face to denote that he couldn’t possibly agree it that, even though he did.  Finn looked down at his plate and scrunched up his face.

“The fuck is this shit?”

“It’s called fine dining Finlay!”  Tom laughed and picked up his fork.

“The fuck is this pink stuff?”

“I think that’s beetroot foam.”  Archie answered Finn; Tom had taken him on enough dates to expensive restaurants for him to be getting a feel for the food you find at them.

“Why the fuck would I want beetroot foam?”  Finn looked incredulously at his plate and Rae put her finger in it to taste it.

“Oh but it’s good!”  She exclaimed and started to eat in earnest.

“Don’t sound so surprised!”  Tom laughed.  Finn tried some of the beetroot foam, it was simultaneously sweet and earthy and left the hint of flavour on his tongue, but with nothing to chew it made him hungry for food. 

“Huh.”  He realised how clever the food was at making you want it and took a bite of the pork.

“That’s a pear jus.”  Archie explained and Finn tried the sauce that was swirled around the plate. 

“It’s really good.”  He marvelled and Tom shook his head.

“Your friends are heathens Archie.”

“Oi!”  Chloe corrected, “I know what a pear jus is!”

“Me too.”  Izzy said, “Had to make it in year 10 for home economics.” 

“I think it’s just us that are the heathens.”  Rae said to Finn and he shrugged.

“Me too!”  Chop laughed, “Give me a fucking meat pie any day.”  He scrunched his nose at the food but ate it without further complaint. 

Rae’s eyes strayed to Stacey.  She was wearing a golden, halter neck dress in a satin material that clung to her perfectly.  Her thin frame was perfectly highlighted to its best advantage and she knew it.  She sat with her spine straight, her chin up, she looked so elegant.  Rae realised she was slouching and looked down at herself.  She suddenly sat up, realising that slouching revealed way too much of her breasts.  She looked around to see far too many of the males at her table and at Stacey’s either looking directly at her, or looking away having realised they’d been spotted.  Chop had been staring at his food, Tom and Archie softly chatting together and Rhys was smiling at Chloe, hanging on her every word.  But Macca and Sam had been caught out, and Finn had been looking, but he was allowed to.  And Mike hadn’t even bothered to look away when she saw him.  But Phillip’s eyes had been on her face when she turned to him.  He smiled encouragingly at she returned the smile.  He took a breath and looked down at his food.  She looked up at Stacey’s table and all the men who could look were looking, even Greg, who looked away with a panicked expression when she saw him. 

“Just be glad you didn’t get oysters!”  Archie joked and Chop looked up at him with disgust.

“Have you ever looked at a fucking oyster?”  He said, “The first person who ate them must have been real fucking hungry.”

“They’re disgusting.”  Izzy agreed and Tom rolled his eyes.

“Heathens the lot o’ you.”  He laughed. 

“But how hungry would you have to be really to look at one of those things and think; ‘yeah I’m gonna eat this?’ They look like a pile o’ phlegm.”  Archie agreed with Chop. 

“And you have to rip ‘em off a fucking rock and pry ‘em open and then you look down on what is basically a pile o’ snot.”  Chop continued.  “And then you eat it?”  He shook his head, “and they taste foul.”

“When have you had ‘em?”  Izzy asked him and ate a bit of her dinner.

“Joe’s 60th birthday party.”  Chop answered.  “It were all seafood.” 

“Oysters aren’t seafood they’re Poseidon’s sinus infection.”  Archie said with a grimace. 

“Fuck you’re perfect.”  Tom breathed to him as everyone else laughed.  Archie turned his eyes to him Tom.

“I love you too.”  He said happily before turning back to talk to Rae.  Tom ran a hand of Archie’s thigh and sighed contently.  Tom’s eyes strayed from Archie to a red-headed young man sitting down, late, at Stacey’s table.  Tom stood up instantly; instinct and rage having kicked in.  Finn saw the movement and looked over at the table.  He saw Simmy laughing and turned back to Tom.  Finn stayed seated, knowing that Tom got to get the first hit in; he was Archie’s partner.  Finn could be patient and get the second one in.  Archie, chatting with Rae intently hadn’t seen Tom stand, but when he saw the expression on Rae’s face; confusion, followed by growing realisation, he turned to see Tom gently put his napkin down and start to take his jacket off, his eyes never leaving Simmy.  Chop caught sight of the situation and turned to see Simmy at the other table.  He stood up and Izzy pulled on his arm. 

“Tom gets first go Chop.”  Finn said and Chop turned to Finn and gave a slight nod, but didn’t sit down.  Chloe felt Rhys’s whole body tense beside her and knew that he was right there with the other guys in the gang; if they needed back up, he’d offer it. 

“No one gets a go cos we’re not doing this here!”  Rae said after seeing the look on Archie’s face.  “Not tonight!”  She added and Archie gave her an appreciative glance; no one could lay the law down like Rae.  Tom’s eyes turned to Rae and then to Archie. 

“Please, let’s just leave it tonight.”  Archie said softly.  Tom nodded slowly.

“He looks at you wrong, and I’ll make him blind.”  Tom answered softly as he sat down. 

“Fine.”  Archie answered, “But not tonight.” 

“Not tonight.”  Tom agreed and looked over at Chop, “Chop, get my back another night mate.”  Chop sucked his teeth moodily and nodded before sitting down.  Finn had had a feeling that this is how it would go down.  He squeezed Rae’s thigh warmly and gave her a small smile.

“Saving the day as always.”  He said admiringly.  Phillip watched them chat; the easy and unaffected way they exchanged words, the way he touched her so freely, the smiles they gave each other.  They looked so good together; Phil had always known they looked good together.  He was so handsome and she was so beautiful, of course they looked good together.  But he’d always had the tumultuousness of their relationship to hold onto.  But they seemed more passionate and stubborn than ill-suited to each other and falling apart, and the more time he spent around them the more he saw it.  But even so, Rae still hadn’t said no to him, and that still counted for something.  He turned to listen to Sue talk, she was really nice, quite intelligent and very beautiful, and Phil wished his heart would feel something for her; that would be so much easier. 

Dessert was a similarly fancy but entertaining affair, the conversation flowing easily, even though there was no alcohol just yet; that didn’t come until the informal part of the dance.  Finn wiped his hands on his pants knowing that the part he was really dreading was coming up. 

Almost without warning classical music started and Stacy stood up, followed by everyone else on her table, they went to the dance floor.  Ushers started to shoo the other students up to the dance floor for the waltz while the tables were cleared and the evening’s drinks and DJ booth were set up.  Finn placed his hand on Rae’s waist, his fingers finding her bare flesh through the keyhole and she put a hand on shoulder, clasping the other one.

They danced, formally.  Finn finding the experience strangely erotic; he was touching her, but she was so far away from him.  He could drink her in, see her beautiful face, her wonderful breasts, her alluring neck as he lead her around the floor.  Rae was simply glad she’d asked Chloe and Izzy about how to waltz.  She counted steps in her head and desperately tried to not let Finn down; she so wanted them to look good together.  After a while she loosened up and noticed Izzy and Chop giggling as Chop continuously messed up the steps.  Rae nodded towards them, laughing and Finn turned to see, he chuckled and looked for the others.  Tom and Archie were in perfect synchronicity; it was impossible to tell who was leading.  Chloe and Rhys danced closer than most people, but still not touching, the desire rippling off both of them was impressive and Finn smiled happily; it solved a lot of his problems and he knew that Rhys was a good guy that would treat Chloe right.  Finn laughed when he saw Mike and Macca dancing and laughing, a couple of girls coming over to cut in but they were refused, the lads having too much of a laugh.  Finn laughed even more when he saw the disgusted look on Simmy’s face and Stacey’s sour look at their loud laughs. 

“Who the fuck leads?”  Mike yelled out to Tom and Archie as he and Macca tried to sort out their dancing problems.  Stacey scowled as people started to laugh and joke.

“I don’t think that ‘who leads’ is the problem with you two!”  Tom replied and Rae started to laugh loudly as Macca and Mike waltzed out of line around Stacey and Greg.  She saw Elsa watching with a smile on her face; as long as no outright bullying or bigotry or violence occurred, Elsa was the sort of teacher who let things slide.  Macca and Mike travelled around the whole room, starting to sing wordlessly and loudly to the music together, hardly able to contain their laughter.  It was fair to say that the formal part of the dance was no longer formal and everyone started to loosen up, but even better; Mike and Macca’s antics had taken all focus off Tom and Archie, meaning that they got to waltz together, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, without comment. 

Finn turned his grinning face back to Rae to see her watching his face.  He was surprised, he never thought that she just watched him the way he watched her.  He pulled her closer and marvelled at how willingly she moulded herself to him.  He put both arms around her waist and they slowed down their steps as Finn leaned in for a kiss.  They kissed, totally focused on how they felt moving slowly to the music as all around them couples were doing similar things and Mike and Macca fell about laughing, eventually agreeing to dance with the girls. 

 

[  _‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeUx5sdp3qM&feature=kp)

Rae snaked her way through the crowd of students with Izzy and Chloe after their toilet break.  She saw Finn talking to the DJ and left the girls to go up to him, but he had seen her and quickly finished his conversation with the DJ before coming to meet her in the middle of the dance floor.  Rae felt a grin form on her lips as she shook her head, trying to look angrily at him as the familiar notes started to play.  Finn had requested the song and she scowled at him, but it dissolved into giggles when he held his hand out to her and she took it as ‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo really started to get going.  They danced slowly in each other’s arms while Mike started a bunch of people dancing in slow motion.

“Did I tell you how stunning you look tonight?”  He asked her, his eyes not able to leave hers.

“Might have mentioned it.”  She said with an innocent look.

“And did I mention how proud I am of you.”

“Proud?”  She asked with a slightly bemused look that didn’t hide that she was feeling emotional because of what he said.

“Proud.”  He repeated as he stroked her face with his fingertips.  Phil looked over as Sue started to dance in slow motion with Mike, laughing loudly.  He was grinning, enjoying himself, but the grin left his face as Finn’s fingertips traced along her face, down her neck to between her breasts. 

“I’m proud of you Mrs Nelson cos I know how unsure you are of wearing stuff like this.  And you did it anyway for Izzy.”  Finn watched Rae lower her eyes.

“I don’t look too bad do I?”

“You look incredible.”  Finn answered, “And I know you sometimes don’t believe me, so I dare you to ask almost anyone here…” He nodded slowly as she looked up, “I think you’ll find that pretty much only Stacey and those girls will say otherwise.”

“Finn…” Rae said with a disbelieving voice that had an undercurrent of being pleased by his words.

“The DJ just fucking congratulated me on scoring so fine a girl.”  Finn chuckled.  “I know how you think girl.  I know you think that everyone wonders how you got me…” he said with a look that told her he thought that was a silly thought, “But tonight, everyone’s wondering how I got you.”  Rae looked at Finn’s smiling face and thought about what Mike had said; asking Finn how he’d gotten Rae.  She looked around and saw quite a few male eyes on her, but none of them were giving her the negative look she was used to seeing.  “Drink it in girl.”  Finn grinned, “Maybe you’ll start seeing yourself how I do.”  Rae saw Josh looking at them, with a clear look of envy on his face at Finn as Finn’s fingers traced along the swell of her breast gently before travelling down her body. 

“I don’t understand.”  She whispered.

“It took them shiny trinkets like beautiful dresses and great hair to make them see you for how beautiful you really are.”  Finn answered. 

“You like me hair?”  Rae asked happily.

“Aye.”  Finn answered his insides soaring; she didn’t really care if they all desired her, she only cared that he did. 

“Should I wear it up more often?”

“You should wear it however you like.”  He answered, “I’ll like it no matter what.” 

“What if I shave it off?”

“Then I’ll stroke your stubble lovingly.”  She laughed and kissed him passionately.  Phillip looked away and turned his gaze to Sue laughing and dancing.  She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his lips roughly.  Phillip returned the kiss with surprised intensity. 

“You’re brilliant Phil!”  She said as they started to dance together again.  Phillip just grinned in response, not knowing what to say.  She dove into his arms and he looked over her shoulder at Rae; he hated himself for doing that. 

“And have I told you Mr Earl how handsome you look tonight?”  She asked as they pulled out of their kiss slowly, their foreheads touching. 

“Might have.”  He breathed, “But I’m very vein.  Might need to hear it again.”

“Well you look good enough to be seen with me tonight.”  She teased and he chuckled.

“I’m glad.”

“You do look truly sexy in a tuxedo.”  She ran her hands down his chest and when they got to his waist she slipped them over his hips to his arse and squeezed.  He laughed as her fingers dug into his rump.  The feeling of her touching his arse was strangely pleasurable and he thought he wouldn’t mind her doing it quite a bit more. 

“You been wanting to do this for a while haven’t you?”  He remembered the things she’d written in her diary.

“I really have.”  She answered with an ecstatic expression, “Your arse is so perfect.”

“Well you can do it as much as you want.”  They kissed again, Rae’s hands caressing his arse.

“This song is truly awful.”  Rae laughed and Finn pulled her closer as she threw her head back laughing.  He loved how alive she looked when she laughed, the way her body felt in his arms, the way she made him feel. 

“Aye,” He agreed, “but there’s a fire between us.”  He sang along and Rae groaned loudly.  He couldn’t stay serious as he sang and started laughing, “So where is your god?”  He sang melodramatically and Rae kissed him. 

“Learned that from you.”  She said through her kisses.

“Hm?”  He asked, enjoying her lips too much to speak.

“Kissing you to shut you up.”  She answered him and he laughed loudly. 

“I love everything about you Rae.”  He declared loudly as the emotions rushed through his body, “Fucking every little thing.”  He was kissing her again before she could reply.  Phillip heard Finn’s words, a lot of people had, he’d said them so loudly, but he refused to look over at them.  He was going to pay Sue the attention she deserved. 

 

[ _ ‘Da Funk’ by Daft Punk _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1ZqN_VFhdo&feature=kp)

After Finn’s truly awful song selection the DJ played some much better selections, the lights were dimmed except for a high spot shined onto an old school disco ball.  Tiny specks of light shone out across the room and everyone moved to the music.  Chop and Izzy brought everyone drinks and they were downed quickly.

“Bloody hell Chop!”  Rae pulled a face.

“Triple shot!”  He yelled over the music, “I’ll get you another!”  He and Izzy played waiter again and Rae’s inside swam pleasantly. 

“I gotta dance with Archie!”  Finn told Rae and she nodded.  Finn tapped Tom on the shoulder to imitate a polite cut in and Tom laughed.

“Well if you’re taking my partner, I’m gonna tango yours around the room!”  Tom laughed and pulled Rae into his arms with a strength she hadn’t been expecting.

“Oh!”  She laughed in surprise.  Chop returned with the drinks and Rae downed hers again and pulled the face.

“Triple shot?”  She asked and Chop nodded with a big grin.

“We haven’t had a drink together since the fucking coast.  And even then our lad Finn couldn’t drink much cos o’ his liver and Izzy was…”  Chop scrunched his brows but shook his head to move himself on from that thought, “well she can drink more now!  So we’re all getting plastered.  Even Tom and Rhys!”  Tom looked at the drink Chop had given him and downed it in support.

“Alright!”  Tom said trying not to pull the face, “fuck that’s strong.”  He said.  “Right my little lovebird.”  He turned to Rae, “Now we tango!”  Rae laughed loudly as Tom lead her around the room in a long, exaggerated and sensual stride.  Finn and Archie laughed and forgot to dance together, as they watched the way Tom easily moved Rae and dipped her deeply, her hand raising to her chest, worried about the top revealing her breasts. 

“He’s fucking strong.”  Finn marvelled and Archie nodded with a kinky grin.

“Yes he is.”  He said with a satisfied tone that made Finn shake his head and laugh.  Tom again dipped Rae so low her head nearly touched the floor and she laughed loudly and looked up at Phillip as he looked down at her.

“Hey there!”  He laughed as Tom pulled her back up.

“Hi!”  Rae laughed in a high pitched tone, her head swimming with booze and dance and laughter. 

“We must continue my love!”  Tom said as Rae laughed so hard she was nearly doubled over.  Tom took her around the room and spun her before taking her back into his arms when they returned to Finn and Archie.

“Did we all enjoy our dance?”  Tom asked merrily. 

“I think you gotta take her again!”  Finn said and Tom clicked his heels as if he had been given an immutable order. 

“Yes sir!”

“No!”  Rae laughed as Tom swept her up in his arms again.  She squealed and laughed as he set off again. 

“Shall we actually have a dance this time?’  Finn asked and Archie nodded with a laugh. 

“Oi!”  Chop said, “You lads can’t get into this without me!”  Archie and Finn opened their arms drunkenly to him: 6 shots in under 10 minutes, they were already well on the way to being hammered.  The three lads danced and Izzy looked on shaking her head and laughing.

“Oh no Izzy!”  Rae said in between gasps of laughter.

“Shall I go to the rescue?”  Tom asked and Rae nodded.  Tom stopped and kissed her hand.

“Farewell my fair lady.  You were an excellent dance partner!”  Rae turned to watch Tom bound across the dance floor and literally sweep Izzy of her feet.  Rae grinned as she saw Izzy burst out into laughter as Tom started to tango her around the room.  Rae thought that maybe she could have a quick sit down; the amount of alcohol she’d had and the laughing she’d just done was making her head swim pleasantly, but it wasn’t good for keeping herself on her feet properly.  Rae turned to see Phillip walking up to her.

“Care to dance?”  Phil smiled crookedly at her.

“Sure!”  Rae answered, “But I must warn you, I am a little drunk, so I don’t know how good I’ll be!”  Phillip pulled her into a waltz position and felt his fingers touch the bare flesh through the keyhole at her hip.  He almost moved his hand away out of respect, but then realised there wasn’t anywhere else to put it really, so left his fingers touching her soft warm skin.  She staggered slightly and laughed.

“A little drunk?’  He asked with a grin.

“Maybe…” She answered slowly with a sly grin, “a lot.” 

“Well we’ll just have to do the best we can.”  He answered with a fond grin.  He started to lead her in an up-tempo waltz, matching the rhythm of the song easily. 

“Not sure that a waltz fits this music Philly me lad, but sure!”  Rae started to giggle when she realised how foolish she must look waltzing poorly to dance music. 

“You look fantastic as always.”  He told her and she grinned.

“You don’t look too bad either.”  She replied, “Thanks for not just staring at me tits.”  She said earnestly and as soon as the word ‘tits’ left her mouth Phil’s eyes dropped to her breasts as if the word had power over his eyes.  He groaned and looked up at the ceiling as Rae laughed, “Caught you!”  She chuckled.

“I’m sorry!”  He was mortified; he’d been working so hard all evening to not stare at them.  But he had to laugh at her carefree attitude; she really didn’t seem to care. 

“Ah it’s alright Phil.”  She answered, “I mean at first I were all self-conscious about it.”  She shrugged, “But I look pretty good so who gives a fuck, right?” 

“You look amazing.”  Phil agreed, “But it’s disrespectful to… look at you like that.”

“Ah I don’t care.”  Rae shrugged, “makes for a nice change.”  She scrunched up her nose, “Guys never look at me.”

“That’s not true.”  Phillip answered.

“Yeah but tonight don’t count.”  Phil noticed the way she spoke, as if they were talking about nothing important, rather than something intimately connected to her self-esteem and wellbeing. 

“You’re right, it doesn’t count.  Because all of these morons couldn’t see your true beauty until it was wrapped up in sexualised and objectified manner that they could consume.”  Phillip answered with authority that Rae had never heard from him before, “your true worth doesn’t lie in the fact that you got a banging set of tits, alright Earl?’  He asked her with a cheeky grin and she laughed.  “Nor in the fact that you fill that dress like you were poured into it by a god that created wet dreams.”  Rae blushed and looked away, “you are worth so much more than just how you look tonight.”  Phillip felt himself blushing because of how much he’d said.  “Trust me Rae, a lot of people see that.  Not just Finn…” He looked over at Finn, in the arms of Archie and Chop laughing loudly, “or the rest of your close mates.” 

“You’re one of me close mates Phil!”  Rae said fiercely and hugged him tightly.  Phillip returned the hug, painfully aware of the way her body felt pressed against his.  And then they started to dance, pressed together in the hug, as if they were a couple; Phil’s eyes closed, taking in every moment of something he feared he could never have.  He held her for a few moments before gently peeling her off him and returning to the waltz position; she was drunk and he knew she would never have danced with him, holding him like that if she was sober.  She wasn’t aware of how intimate her embrace had been or of what it did to him and he would never take advantage of her.  He knew that he wouldn’t have gotten away with much even if he had pressed his luck; she wasn’t so drunk that she’d do anything that was overtly sexual, it was just these small subtle things she missed, like the way their friendly hug had a deeper undercurrent.  And as Phil waltzed her gently he couldn’t shake the thought… the knowledge that she felt right in his arms. 

“And you thought Sue weren’t flirting with you at the theatre.”  Phillip groaned and shook his head.

“Alright.”  He said.

“So how did that conversation go, when you called her?”

“Actually, she called me.”  Phillip answered.  They’d had to give their phone numbers to the theatre as contacts for the school bookings.  “She was giving me the proper dimensions of the stage.”  He shrugged when Rae raised her eyebrows; she should have called Elsa with that information.  “And then she asked me if I was coming to this thing and if I had a date.”  He chuckled, “I told her no and no.”  He looked over at her, “but she did a pretty good job of convincing me I’d have good time.  So here I am.”  He smiled bracingly.

“And are you having a good time?”

“I am right now.”  He grinned and she returned the smile, not realising the undertone to his words. 

“Sue looks quite stunning tonight!”  Rae teased and Phil shook his head shyly. 

“She is quite beautiful.”  He answered sadly.

“Alright and why do you sound so glum about that me ol’ pal?  She laughed.

“Because I don’t really fancy her, you know?”  He looked over at her dancing with Macca happily, “I wish I did.” 

“Karim told me that you don’t get to choose when love comes, it just happens when it wants to.  And that somehow included something about a deer…?”  Rae thought back to Karim speaking in French and wished she understood what he’d said properly.  “He was quoting someone I reckon.”  Rae mused and Phil searched through his memories of great literature to try and find the quote she meant. 

“I thinks that’s from Nizar Qabbani.”  He said, “And love doesn’t come when we want it to, but comes like an errant deer when it wants.”

“Yes!”  Rae answered glad to finally have a translation of what Karim had said all that time ago, “That’s what he said!”  She grinned. 

“You’re right.”  He answered, “I can’t make myself have feelings for someone.”  He looked over at her, “I can’t stop myself from feeling what I feel either.”  He sighed.  “Looks like Josh might fancy her though.”  He noted and Rae looked over.

“Hopefully!”  She grinned, “He’s been pining after Candace all year.”  She rolled her eyes and Phillip laughed.  “Hey, do you know any other of his poems?”  Rae asked and Phillip shrugged, embarrassed before nodding slowly. 

“It’s not really the place to be saying them though is it?”  He nodded to the DJ, “Bit loud.”

“C’mon Phil!”  She asked and he found himself rolling his eyes; when had he ever said no to her?

“Alright.”  He answered, “Um… how about this one, it’s short and it’s called ‘in the summer.’” He cleared his throat and then grinned self-consciously, “‘In the summer, I stretch out on the shore, and think of you.’”  Rae stared at him as he spoke, taking in the words, “‘Had I told the sea, what I felt for you, it would have left its shores, its shells, its fish, and followed me.’”  Philip looked at her with a crooked grin and Rae closed her eyes taking it in, as she often did with poetry. 

“I like it.”  She answered after a while, “you’ll have to tell me more of Kabal….?”

“Qabanni.”

“Qabanni’s poems.”  Rae furrowed her brows, “How d’you remember everything Phil?”

“Oh…” He looked away with an embarrassed half-smile.  “I dunno.  I’ve always had a good memory.’  He looked back at her, “Although my parents starting me on mnemonics very young probably helped.”

“Your parents push you real hard, huh?”

“Yes they do.”  He shrugged, “I can take it.”

“Yeah but do you ever just let loose and go crazy and do stuff that makes no sense… just for fun?”  Phil’s eyes left her face again as a small devious smile crept onto his face.  He dipped her suddenly, eliciting a squeal from her and laughed.

“There you go!”  He grinned, “That was fun.”  She hit his arm and shook her head.

“I get right proper frightened that you fellas are gonna drop me when you do that.”  Rae shook her head. 

“You’re not as heavy as you think you are.”  Phillip shrugged and Rae beamed at him. 

“Alright.”  She looked away for a moment, “But for real Phillip.  You should do more things just for fun.”

“Like what?”

“You should hang out with us.”  She answered earnestly and Phillip scoffed.

“Yeah I can see Finn liking that.”

“Alright…”  Rae conceded, “But you need to get drunk and have a laugh.  I get the feeling that all o’ your mates are big on staying in on a Friday night.”

“Oh, no, we have chess sometimes.”  He made fun of himself and Rae chuckled. 

“Right I’m gonna have to take you out drinking at least one time.”  Rae shook her head as if there was no other solution. 

“We’ll talk about that when you’re sober!”  He answered, his heart hammering in his chest.  He knew that that plan wasn’t a good idea; but to tell her that, he’d have to tell her why it wasn’t a good idea.  Rae seemed to accept what he said and they danced in silence for a while, Rae’s eyes on Finn as he put away another triple shot with the other boys, Chloe and Izzy now dancing together. 

“So are you gonna fuck Sue tonight?’  Rae asked suddenly.

“What?”  Phil returned in surprise.

“You know; she’s hot.”

“Yeah but I don’t like her that way.”

“You don’t need to like someone to fuck ‘em.”  Rae responded with a strange look. 

“I suppose not.”  Phillip answered, “But I do.”  He shrugged, “Wouldn’t exactly be fair to her would it?” 

“You know, you remind me of Finn sometimes.”  Rae said, “I don’t know why you two aren’t friends.” 

“Finn’s got a bit of a reputation for fucking everything with a vagina Rae.”  Phillip said, “That’s not like me.”

“Yeah but it’s not true.”

“Right.”  Phillip answered sceptically. 

“I know you think I’m just some daft girl that believes everything he says, but I’m not.”  She said defensively. 

“I know you’re not.”  Phillip scrunched his brows together and looked over at Finn; the five lads had now formed a circle, arms around the shoulders of the lads next to him, and were dancing together rowdily.  Phil shook his head, half wishing his mates were more like that, half glad that they weren’t.  He watched as girls approached the circle, attempting to get a dance with one of the guys there, mostly Finn, but all were rejected.  And Finn rejected them in no uncertain terms; he very clearly had no desire to dance with any of them.  Phillip wondered how many girls Finn had rejected in his time and turned his eyes back to Rae.  She was dancing in time to the music, their waltz long forgotten, even as he still held her in the waltz position, more to stop himself from putting his hands on her in an inappropriate way than anything else.  He matched her movements, creating a kind of modernised formal dance; she laughed when she realised what he was doing and they concentrated on creating a cohesive dance together, laughing and synching up nicely. 

“I love that necklace by the way.’  Phil said and Rae grinned.

“Finn gave it to me for me birthday.” 

“Wow.”  Phillip answered, “Didn’t think he could afford something like that.” 

“It were his Nan’s.”

“Wow.”  Phillip repeated, understanding that the necklace held great significance.

“What d’you mean he couldn’t afford it?’  She asked moodily.

“Something like that is worth over £10, 000 easily.”  Phil shrugged, “Probably closer to £30, 000.”  Phillip mused as Rae’s jaw dropped, “My mother has a diamond a bit smaller than that, clear colour that’s worth about £20, 000.”  Phillip looked at the diamond and cocked his head, “depends on the quality of the gem though.” 

“£10, 000!”  Rae gasped, “It can’t be worth that much!”  Phillip saw her round stunned eyes and back peddled.

“Could be fake.”  He looked at it again, “Although it’s a good fake if it is.”  He looked closer at the pendant, “If it’s been in the family for a long time it might even have a bit of added antique value, you know what I mean?”

“It belonged to his great grandmother first.”  Rae said still shocked, her mouth feeling numb, “Her parents gave it to her.”

“I don’t know much about antiques.”  Phil said apologetically.  “You’d have to get it priced by a professional.”  He looked at it again, “That’s quite a gift.”  He frowned to himself; how were his stupid little book gifts ever supposed to stack up to a beautiful and expensive necklace steeped in family history that no doubt bore a promise with it too?  He felt like a boy playing a man’s game; the thought, emotion and depth in that gift was staggering.  Finn really wasn’t the man he thought he was.  But one thing he had gotten right; he claimed Rae as his, that necklace made that clear, it practically screamed ‘this girl is mine.’ 

“I had no idea.”  Rae said, her hand creeping off his shoulder to the pendant, their dance slowing as she took it in. 

“I could be wrong.”  Phillip tried to soothe her, “It has been known to happen very occasionally.”  He grinned and saw her mouth move upwards slightly.  “You should ask him.”

“Even if he knew how much it were worth he wouldn’t tell me.”  Rae said, “He wouldn’t care.”  She explained, “Its worth for him lies in the fact that it were his Nan’s.” 

“It’s quite beautiful that he gave it to you.”  Phil said trying to curb his bitterness. 

“I know.”  She smiled.  And her hand finally went back to his shoulder.  Phil wanted to kiss her, he wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but instead he smiled and she grinned in return. 

 

Finn looked up and scanned the room for Rae.  He saw Chloe and Izzy dancing together, laughing and gossiping and furrowed his brows.

“Where’s me girl?’  He asked himself boozily as he kept looking across the crowd, slowing his dancing, the lads yelling at him to keep up. 

And then he saw her, dancing with Phillip, her eyes on his, both of them smiling.  Phillip held her in waltzing pose; it wasn’t anything sexual or suggestive that made Finn’s blood boil, if anything Phillip was being overly careful to not touch her too much.  It was the casual and easy way they spoke, the sparkle in their eyes; the obvious connection they had.  It was that Rae felt so comfortable with Phillip that she didn’t notice how every now and then his fingers moved slightly, caressing her unconsciously.  It was that Phillip was so fucking perfect, and Finn was so fucking drunk that he’d left his girl alone long enough to be swept up by him.  Archie noticed Finn’s change in mood and turned his eyes to look at what Finn had seen. 

“Oh fuck!”  Archie groaned and Chop looked up.

“That motherfucker!”  Chop’s aggression piqued and Archie appealed Tom silently as Finn lunged forward.  Tom barely had time to grab him around the waist, Archie stopping Chop. 

“Not here!”  He pleaded.  Rhys took in the situation calmly and crossed the room towards Rae and Phillip.

“Oh shit.”  Archie groaned, worrying what Rhys would do.  To his surprise, Rhys tapped Phillip on the shoulder politely and took Rae from him, dancing her around the room expertly, Rhys also choosing the typical waltz position to dance with Rae.  Finn’s eyes watched them for a moment, saw no threat from Rhys and turned back to Phillip, who was already dancing with another girl. 

Chloe and Izzy looked over and Chloe’s eyes fell upon Rae and Rhys dancing; a tight knot in her stomach.  She wasn’t jealous exactly, just worried that another guy she liked would end up liking Rae more.  Izzy put a hand over Chop’s shoulder.

“Come dance with me?”  She asked him and he turned his eyes to her and then to Finn.  Finn had settled back down, his eyes still narrowed and staring at Phillip.  Chloe sighed.

“C’mon Finn.”  She took his hand and made him dance with her, he furrowed his brows, unhappy to be in such close proximity with her but too drunk to properly argue.

“Thanks.”  Archie said, his head swimming with booze and stress, Tom shook his head.

“No worries.”  Tom said with a drunk grin and looked over at Phillip, “Why does he hate Phil so much; he seems nice enough.”

“Yeah he is nice.  But he’s in love with Rae.”

“Oh.”

“And he goes after her.”  Archie said, “If I’m honest, Phil would make her happy.”

“Better than Finn?”  Tom asked curiously, his eyes narrowing at Phillip.  Archie scrunched up his face in slow thought.

“I don’t think so.”  He said, “Rae and Finn are like…” The word wouldn’t come to his hazy mind and he stood there for a moment, still and silent, Tom staring at him, “soul mates.”  Archie answered finally, “They were meant to be.”  He looked back at Phil, “but if you can have a kind of… secondary soul mate… that’s Rae and Phil.  Sucks being Phil.”  Archie cocked his head in thought.

“And the kind of girl Rae is means that she’s oblivious to most of this.”  Tom understood, “So Phillip still thinks he has a chance because Rae hasn’t outright told him otherwise.”

“I don’t think it’s deliberate on her behalf.  I just don’t think she realises that it’s much, much more than a bit of a crush.”

“Your friends are ever so complicated.”  Tom grinned and Archie leaned in and kissed him.

“Glad we’re not!”  Archie agreed and they started to dance together

“No it’s very simple, with us.”  Tom kissed Archie and they danced, their tongues drunkenly exploring each other’s mouths.

 

“Rhys.”  Rae said in her best ‘I’m not drunk’ voice.  “You do some pretty kinky shit right?” 

“Ok I didn’t expect that.”  He laughed.  He was the least drunk of all of them; he held his booze well, but he still felt tipsy. 

“It’s just you know Elsa… and she got a bit of a reputation… and you like boys and girls… and you wear skirts… so…”  she shrugged, “I dunno… you know stuff…”  she said earnestly, “is what I mean.”

“You know stuff as well.”  He answered with a straight face.

“Yeah but not like you.”  Rhys shook his head slowly, but decided to keep his mouth shut and let her get to the point, “I wanna… surprise Finn…”

“I’m not sure I like where this is going Rae.”  Rhys said softly, not sure what she intended.

“No it’s fine!”  She answered with a drunken shake of her head, “When we’re in London in the next few weeks, I wanna take him to like a live sex show.”  She said and Rhys breathed a sigh of relief.  “Do we have them in England?”

“Of course.”  Rhys answered, “They’re not entirely legal though.”

“Yeah whatever.”  Rae said disinterested in the legality, “Where do they have them?”

“They move around.”  Rhys said, “I’ll give you a number you can call to find the where the next one will be.  You call on the day you wanna go.  They give you the location.  They’ll ask you who gave you the number, tell them Rhys O’Daire.”

“Great!”  Rae grinned, “I have to get a pen!”  She started to leave but Rhys held her in place with his hands easily.

“I’ll give it to you when you come to training.”  He said obviously and she grinned.

“Of course!”  

“I suggest you call on Wednesdays…” Rhys said with a strange grin, “That’s the most heterosexual day.”

 

“Chloe, I don’t…”  Finn’s words slurred.  He had drunk a lot over the last half hour; only Chop had had the same amount and he was happily staggering around the dance floor with a giggling Izzy. 

“S’alright!”  She told him grinning, “I won’t make a move.”  She looked over at Rhys, “My intentions lay elsewhere Finn.”  Finn’s eyes went over to Rhys and he grinned.

“You really like him.”

“Yeah.  But I don’t know if I’m ready.”  She fretted.

“He’ll wait.”  Finn answered, knowing it was true.

“How can you know that?”  She asked with a sad voice.  Finn tried to focus himself and furrowed his brows.

“When I first started training with him, he said that he didn’t want me to start at all unless I was willing to follow it through properly.”  Finn looked over at Rhys, “That’s how he is.”  Finn shrugged, “Whatever you need, he’ll give it to you.”  He looked over at Chloe, “Cos he wouldn’t have started with you unless he was willing to follow it through properly.”  Chloe smiled hopefully and looked back at him.

“He’s not what I expected.”  She said, “I mean he is…” she giggled, the alcohol making her head feel light, “He’s all facts and figures and hard… but he’s so soft too.”  She grinned, “And phil… philosy… philsophic… phil.”  She stopped took a deep breath, “philosophical.”  She said slowly.  “Fucking alcohol.”  They laughed. 

“Aye that he is.”

“D’you think we can be friends again yet?”  She asked with a sad smile.

“I dunno.”  He said and looked over at Rae talking excitedly with Rhys, “Depends on Rae.”  Chloe looked over at Rae.

“I was so terrible to her, Finn.  And to you.”  She lowered her eyes.  “I’d deserve it if you neither of you ever trusted me again.”  She looked up at him, “I just wanted you to know that you don’t need to worry anymore.”  Her eyes went over to Rhys and Finn followed her gaze. 

“Let’s cut in yeah?”  He asked her and she grinned, “We’d both rather be dancing with them.”  Chloe nodded and they headed over to Rae and Rhys.

When they got there Rae turned and instantly opened her arms to Finn who took her happily into his.  Chloe watched them with a grin before turning to Rhys, who waited to follow her lead, she opened her arms and he put his hands on her hips and drew her closer, still keeping a conservative distance between their bodies.  But she stepped up closer, letting her body mould into his and he wrapped his arms around her protectively.  She smiled, content, safe, warm and they danced slowly, ignoring the music and simply enjoying their closeness.

“Miss Earl.”  Finn said as they slowly moved away from Rhys and Chloe, who were clearly having a private moment.  “Having a good night?”

“Much better now.”  She answered with a grin that made his heart flutter.  “You?”

“It’s been a lot better than I thought it’d be.”  He admitted.

“I do need more alcohol though.”  Rae said, “But I think it has to wait.  Cos I need your kiss a lot more.”  Finn grinned cheekily.

“I can go get a triple shot for you right now?”  He asked innocently and Rae made a pouty face.

“Why pouty, Mrs Nelson?”

“Cos it’s been ages since I got a kiss.”  She sulked and Finn couldn’t help himself; he leaned in and kissed her messily, drunkenly.  And she returned it passionately.  He felt his hands fall down to her arse and groaned gently.  He didn’t want to have any more alcohol, he wanted to make love to her tonight.  He let one hand travel back up her body to the keyhole between her breasts and slipped a hand under the fabric to her bare flesh, his fingers finding one of her nipples and gently circling it.  She moaned and pressed herself closer to him.

“Maybe I don’t need more alcohol.”  She suggested breathily and Finn nodded, his head still swimming; it’d be a while before he would be any good in the sack, he needed to sweat off and sober up a bit.  He wanted to go home and have her now.  But he knew that not only could he not get it up now, but that they needed to stay until the evening ended for Archie.  But now he just had to convince Chop that he didn’t want to drink anymore.

 

Luckily, Chop had come to a similar conclusion as Finn as he danced with Izzy: tonight was not the night to get plastered, that would have to come later.  Tonight, he wanted Izzy, not in the same way as he’d wanted these past few days since he had brought her home from the hospital.  This was different, he wanted to fuck her.  Hard.  He never thought he’d feel that way about Izzy; he loved her.  Even at his worst when he had fumbled through sex and been fast and frantic he’d never wanted to fuck her like he did now.  He was worried that he wanted it to be too hard and she wouldn’t be able to handle it.

_Communicate._

Finn’s advice came back to him and he felt butterflies in his stomach.  He pulled her closer, a hand dropping to her arse, his lips going to her ear.  He felt far too drunk to be talking about this so he kissed her neck instead and she giggled. 

“Chop?”  She said breathlessly.  “Don’t drink anymore tonight.”  He nodded and she took his face into her hands, “Good, cos I’m gonna rip that tuxedo off you when we get home.”

 

[ _ ‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’ by Greenday _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc&feature=kp)

Rae groaned loudly when the song played and the lights came up.

“I bet they’re playing this song at every summer ball across the country.”  She shook her head and Finn laughed and held her close to get the last dance of the evening in.  There was something wonderful about dancing with Rae.  And given that he’d quite possibly never see her wear that dress again, he wanted to hold onto this moment for as long as possible.  All around them people started to kiss and hug, tears were being shed, people were saying farewell to the second year students; it was time for them to leave college and go forward into the world. 

When they’d done the graduation ceremony yesterday evening after the last exam Rae had found herself tearing up when Archie took his little piece of paper.  The actual marks he got would come through later, but he’d graduated regardless. 

She looked around and realised that this was the last time she’d ever see some of these people. 

She saw Archie getting hugs from Izzy and Chloe and felt tears in her eyes.  She’d danced with Archie several times tonight, but the fact that this was still the last thing she’d ever do with him at school hit her hard

“What are we gonna do without Archie next year?”  Rae asked and Finn looked over and felt an immediate sense of loss, of things coming to an end.  Without a word they both headed towards Archie, throwing their arms around him simultaneously.  Izzy and Chloe looking on.  Chop not understanding what all the fuss was about.  Archie felt himself getting emotional as he hugged Rae and Finn, his eyes looked up at Tom, smiling supportively and he couldn’t stop himself from crying.  As soon as Rae heard Archie begin to cry she started crying.

“You two!”  Finn said in a constricted voice, his own emotions starting to get the better of him. 

“I can’t believe I’m leaving without you mate.”  Archie said to Finn and Finn shook his head.

“You’re never without me, alright?”  Archie nodded and the two best friends hugged

Rae heard a sob and looked over to see Stacey hugging Amy and Lois, Vikki standing beside them with her mouth covered, tears streaming down her face.  Vikki and Stacey were leaving this year; Lois and Amy still had second year to do, like Rae and the rest of the gang.

“Bloody hell, I even feel emotional about them leaving.”  Rae nodded to them and Archie sniffled.

“Me too.”  He responded and they laughed, still crying together.  And then people started hugging her; Josh was leaving and Rae suddenly felt that she’d miss that dickhead far too much.  It was mostly the kids from the performing arts class that Rae felt emotional about as the second years came over to say goodbye. 

Finn looked over and saw Tom and Rhys heading to the men’s room.

“Back in a sec.”  He whispered to Rae and nodded towards the toilets.  Rae watched him leave and was incredibly happy he was repeating.  She couldn’t stand the idea of losing him next year too.  It was bad enough that Archie was going.  Chloe was crying and hugging Archie again, she felt her own tears starting up again and then Mike came to say goodbye.

“Earl!”  He said happily, “oh Rae…”  He took her into his arms and Rae hugged him fiercely.  She’d miss hot Mike; he was always a good laugh, and Finn liked him too.  Plus he was wonderful eye candy when Finn wasn’t around to stare at. 

 

“You know Finn, you have an ‘I’ve got a big cock but I don’t brag about it’ air about you.”  Tom said as they went into the bathroom, Rhys leading the way.

“Oh aye?’  Finn laughed.

“I like that about you.”  Tom grinned and went to the furthest urinal.  Finn skipped the next urinal and went to the next one and Rhys did the same, keeping one between them.  Finn liked the fact that Tom could say stuff like that and not make you feel uncomfortable somehow.  He realised that it was Tom’s obvious devotion to Archie that made anything else he said okay.  In fact, over the two months that Tom had been getting to know the gang he had begun to very quickly feel like one of them.  They were silent for a moment, doing their business, keeping their eyes forward. 

“Tom…” Finn said his name before realising that he was going to.  He was still a little drunk, but something Rae had said to him, about being ‘Tom junior’, made him want to talk to Tom. “You’re like… a sadist right?”  Finn asked and Rhys started to chuckle, thinking that this was both of them now that had raised kink tonight.  Tom cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Is this the concerned friend talk?”  He asked with a bemused smile.

“No.”  Finn answered honestly, “Archie knows what he’s doing.”  Finn shrugged, “I trust him.  And if he says it’s all good then is, innit?”  Tom’s smile turned into a genuine grin and he nodded.

“Ok then.”  He answered and went back to Finn’s question, “Not like one.  Am one.”  Tom zipped his fly and went to the sink, “Sadomasochist actually.” 

“The fuck is that?”  Finn asked, zipping his pants and going to the sink to wash his hands.

“I like taking and giving.”  Tom answered.

“So like… you share power?”  Finn was interested in this, he enjoyed Rae’s and his power struggles in the bedroom. 

“I don’t do power games really.”  Tom answered.  “I give and take pain.  The amount and type depends on my partner.” 

“Oh right.”  Finn scrunched his brows.

“Complicated world we live in.”  Rhys grinned and finished up, washing his hands and leaning on the sink next to Tom. 

“Why you asking, lover boy?”  Tom asked with an astute grin, “Thinking of giving Rae a few love-taps?”

“I kinda have given her a few… love… taps.”  Finn finished the sentence with a frown.  “But not like you and Archie.”

“Well Archie and I are very unique.  As everyone is.”

“Think you’re a sadist in the making Finn?”  Rhys asked seriously.

“No…” He shook his head.  “But maybe a little?”

“Sounds like run of the mill basic kink to me.”  Rhys said to Tom and Tom nodded.

“I left bruises on her!”  Finn said feeling defensive.  And Rhys laughed.

“That’s fine Finn, as long as she was down with it.”  Rhys answered.

“I’m just saying, that’s not run o’ the mill.”  Finn retorted.  “That’s not really natural.”  Finn finally said what was worrying him, but it wasn’t why he had wanted to talk to Tom; this conversation was not going as he had planned. 

“Are you joking?”  Rhys answered, “In the animal kingdom, the overwhelming majority of sexual encounters leave a mark on one or both parties involved, some even result in the male’s death.” 

“What?’  Finn asked with a confused face.

“Fur and feathers getting pulled out.  Some even bite chunks out of each other.”  Rhys continued, “There is nothing that humans do that is unprecedented, nothing that doesn’t happen in nature.  None of it is unnatural.”  Finn looked at Rhys, his mind working over this, “Don’t let ideas of what’s natural fuck you up Finn.  Worry about consent, and what you both want to do, and feels good to both of you.  Not some half-arsed notion of what sex is supposed to be.” 

“Yeah but humans aren’t animals are they?  Not everyone does that kind o’ stuff.”  Finn persisted, needing to understand the urge in him to sometimes do some very dark and dirty things to the woman he loved.  Rhys laughed.

“You have been too sheltered Finn.”  Rhys answered, “Suburbia is a land of people fucking in all sorts of kinky ways when the kids are tucked up at night.  Hiding it all in the closet by day.”  Rhys shook his head, “hell having a kink is so common it’s practically vanilla.”

“Vanilla sex is its own kink isn’t it?”  Tom joked and Rhys laughed, “Cos it’s so uncommon for people to just have vanilla sex!”

“What is vanilla sex anyway?”  Finn mumbled.

“Missionary position, penis in vagina.”  Tom said.  “So I’ve never had that!” 

“Aye, you’re such a kinky pervert.”  Finn laughed and Tom nodded.  “So gay sex is just straight up a kink by this definition?”

“The people who try to define what’s right and wrong in sex tend to start with a really narrow definition and branch out from there.”  Tom answered.

“For really strict definitions, it’s missionary, penis in vagina where you’re trying to make a baby.”  Rhys added.

“Ugh.”  Finn pulled a face. 

“How boring.”  Tom agreed.  “Could you imagine doing just that for the rest of your life?”  Tom shook his head, “I’d have died a virgin if I tried to stick to that.” 

“But why do you like what you like?”  Finn asked, “I mean why is it a turn on?”

“God, might as well ask why I’m gay while you’re at it.  I just do.”  Tom rolled his eyes.  “But if you really want an answer, I guess the best answer I can give is that pain makes the pleasure sweeter.”  Finn nodded and considered this.  It was true for him; a little bit of pain intensified his pleasure.

“Do you…?”  Finn asked Rhys and Rhys shrugged with a grin.

“I do a lot of things.”  He looked over at Tom, “like Tom said, depends on the partner.” 

“I get a feeling you’ll be more vanilla with Chloe than you’re accustomed to.”  Tom teased and Rhys shrugged.

“So be it.’  He answered nonchalantly.  “Unlike you Tom I don’t mind a bit o’ vanilla.”  Tom chuckled and Finn had a feeling that his sexual tastes ran closer to Rhys’s than Tom’s; a bit of everything.  Although Finn had never been attracted to men like Rhys was, he felt that he had the same exploratory nature, the same light and dark elements.

“I been positively normal with Archie on occasion.  Even make love sometimes.”  Tom said as if it was an impossibility.  Rhys laughed loudly.

“Now I know he’s gotten under your skin.”  Rhys said fondly.

“I am so in love with that boy it hurts.’  Tom agreed.

“I never thought I’d see the day.”  Rhys laughed and Tom nodded in agreement. 

“You guys’ve fucked huh?”  Finn asked, noting the intimacy in their friendship.  He thought they might have when Rhys had told him that Tom fought and fucked hard a few months back when Finn had asked him if Archie was safe with Tom.  But seeing them chat like this made it obvious they had.

“Of course.”  Tom said, “Good looking guy like Rhys…?  Like I wouldn’t.”

“Archie know?”  Finn asked astutely.

“Not yet.”  Tom said with a grim face.  “We haven’t really gotten into my past sex life yet.”  Tom pulled a face.  “I am a little worried it’ll frighten him off.   I’ve been such a tart.”  He gave a slightly worried look and sighed.

“I don’t think it will.”  Finn answered knowingly. 

“He’s got good mates.”  Tom said with a crooked grin.

“Aye, I know!”  Finn laughed.

“So tell me about these love-taps.”  Tom urged gently, “What’s got you worried?”

“I’m worried I’ll hurt her… like more than she wants… or like… for real.”  Finn said falteringly.  “Like how do I know how far is too far?”  He scrunched up his face, “And… don’t tell anyone, but she used to self-harm… How I do know that this isn’t replacing that?”  Tom and Rhys exchanged a look and Rhys hopped up to sit on the bench and looked back at Tom while Finn leaned on the wall.

“Why’d she self-harm?”  Rhys asked.

“We haven’t talked about it in detail.”  Finn frowned feeling inadequate; how could he not know the answer?  “I know it was a lot of self-hate and, misery and… bad stuff was happening.”

“Alright.”  Rhys answered gravely, “And she asks you to hit her and bruise her?”

“Yeah.”  Finn asked feeling like worms were squirming in his stomach.

“What’s her mood like?”  Rhys asked, “What’s been happening before she asks you?”

“She seems pretty happy most o’ the time.”  Finn said, “There’s been a lot o’ shit happening though.  Like with the stalker stuff and Izzy.”  Finn frowned, “D’you think she’s doing it to deal with her emotions?” 

“Might be.”  Rhys answered, “You’d need to talk to her about it.”  Tom sighed and pulled a face.

“Even if she is using it to deal with her emotions, so what?”  He asked, “It’s a survival tactic for her right?  Everyone’s got them.  I go for a punishing run when life gets shit.  You box… maybe she gets bruises.”

“But it’s not a healthy way to deal with emotions is it?”  Finn said honestly, “I don’t wanna be part o’ that.”  He fidgeted with his cuff, “if it’s just pain making pleasure better, then yeah, I’m in.  But if she doing it to cope with other pain… I can’t.  It’s not right.”  Tom shrugged.

“Some people need to cry it out violently and a good beating helps them get there.”  He shrugged, “Maybe that’s her thing.

“I don’t go that hard on her.”  Finn said a little confronted by Tom’s words.  “It’s just some spanking.”  Rhys and Tom suddenly laughed.

“What the fuck are you worrying about?”  Tom laughed loudly.  “Here I was thinking you were fucking working the girl over properly, and you’re just whacking her arse!”  Tom shook his head, “D’you even use a cane or a paddle or anything?”

“No!”  Finn said with real surprise. 

“Alright, alright…”  Rhys calmed down, seeing the look of confusion on Finn’s face, “Mate most people like getting spanked, they just don’t know it.”  Rhys looked at his face and grinned, “But I can tell by the look on your face she’s never returned the favour.  Get her give you a spanking and you’ll understand.”  He nodded with a gleam in his eye.  “It’s not a self-harm thing at all.”  Rhys assured him.

“Yeah the arse bruises long before it hurts so much you want it to stop.”  Tom agreed.

“You have a very high pain threshold Tom.”  Rhys reminded him, “but I’m sure Rae isn’t doing anything that isn’t entirely about her own pleasure.  The arse is a very… sensitive and sensual place.  It’s underrated thanks to homophobia and germ phobia.”  Rhys told him.  “You have nothing to worry about.”

“What if I wanna go a little further?”  Finn asked.

“Talk to Rae about your concerns.”  Rhys answered him.

“Of course I will.”  Finn said, “That’s not the problem.  We talk just fine.”  Finn looked frustrated. “It’s just that… Sometimes she wants me to do stuff and sometimes she doesn’t… how do I know… like when I got her tied up and I’m doing stuff… like when I had her hands tied, she were right pissed off she couldn’t touch me.”  Tom and Rhys watched Finn trying to get around to what he was trying to ask, “and I didn’t know whether to keep her tied or not.  Like if she were that pissed off I should untie her… how do I know?”

“Oh right.  Safe words.”  Tom said, “He’s such a cute little newbie.”  Tom said to Rhys and Finn shot him a dirty look.  “You started this whole conversation because you wanted to know about safe words.”  Tom sighed, “Bless.”  Finn looked at him with an expectant stare.  “Tell her that you’ll keep going no matter what she says or does unless she says the safe word.  Agree to what it is beforehand.”

“Maybe don’t say you’ll keep going no matter what,” Rhys corrected Tom, “they’re not you Tom!”  He added with a grin, “Not as rough.”  Tom rolled his eyes.  “Just make sure it’s a word you wouldn’t normally say during sex.”  Finn thought about it.  “And agree to what sort of stuff you’re gonna do beforehand too.”

“Takes some of the fun out of it.”  Tom shook his head.  “Just get a blanket consent; everything is allowed until she says no, or the safe word if you’re wanting her to say no.  If you know what I mean.”

“I… don’t know… what you mean.”  Finn said slowly.

“You know… you tie her up and get her to fight back and say no to you but you keep going until you hear the safe word.”  Tom shrugged. 

“Oh right.”  Finn said slowly. 

“I think I’m overeducating him.”  Tom pulled a face and Rhys shook his head slowly bemused. 

“I’m not sure that’s my thing.”  Finn said with a frown.

“Might be hers.”  Tom said with a shrug, “lots of people like lots of different things.”

“The best part o’ sex is that she wants it and likes it… not sure pretending otherwise would do it for me, you know?”

“Fair enough.”  Rhys answered and Finn continued to think about safe words.

“Alright… safe words.”  He nodded slowly, “But what if her mouth’s… you know…” He looked down and fidgeted with his fingers as Tom and Rhys shared a smile.

“Three knock system.”  Tom answered.  “Knock, blink, grunt… whatever, three times and I know to stop.”  Finn stared off for a moment thinking about all of that. 

“Just make sure you talk to Rae about everything before.”  Rhys said firmly, “and that you’re both very clear on what you want.  And that you both consent and that if you’re pushing boundaries, you’re doing it in a safe and supportive way.”  Rhys was a better sex education teacher than the classes and books from school, “and if you’re leaving bruises, do after care.”

“Like ice and stuff.”  Finn grinned, glad to already know something.

“And emotional reconnection and support.”  Tom said.  “If you ever go that hard on her.”  Finn narrowed his eyes and thought about that.

“I don’t think… that I ever will.”  He answered honestly. 

“And make sure she understands that loss of control is not a real thing.”  Rhys said, “So she knows she can trust you.”

“Not a real thing?’  Finn asked with furrowed brows thinking of all the times she teased him into a frenzy.

“Ever had a time when you felt like you were gonna lose control?”  Rhys asked and Finn nodded in reply, “Did you?”  Finn thought about it, “I mean really?”  Rhys asked, “You might have gotten rougher or more insistent, but did you lose yourself so much you forgot where you were and what you were doing?”

“No.”  He said, “Even at the height of it, I still checked in with her to make sure she were alright.”  Finn said, “It were an effort to reign it in…”

“But not impossible.”  Rhys said and Finn nodded, “it’s never impossible, just varying degrees of difficult.  Make sure she knows that, so that she knows, you’ll always reign it in if she needs or wants you to.  So she’s always safe with you.  You can never do this stuff unless she’s safe.”

“Or you’re safe if she’s doing it to you.”  Tom added, “And always respect the safe word, or the three knocks.”  Tom said seriously. 

“Aye.”  Finn answered, “O’ course.” 

“Any other questions newb?”  Tom asked with a grin.

“Leave off!”  Finn laughed.

“Ah he’s gotta learn this stuff somewhere.”  Rhys grinned, thinking about what Rae had in stall for him in London.  “And I am honoured to be your friend and confidant.”  Rhys said seriously. 

“Aye.”  Finn returned, “It’s nice to see you outside o’ the boxing joint.”

“I’m glad you don’t mind.  I’m hoping Chloe will let me be around quite a bit more.”

“Me too!”  Finn answered, having so many reasons to keep Rhys in his inner circle and realising that Chloe could make or break the whole situation for him. 

 

Rae patted Mike’s back, he had held her for a few minutes, put her at arm’s length to look at her then held her again, clearly far too drunk.  She looked over at Chloe, Izzy, Chop and Archie chatting with Josh; none of them having seen what was happening.  She just needed Phil or someone to come and take his attention again and everything would be fine; he’d start hugging them then.  He was such a touchy feely drunk. 

“I’m sorry.”  He said suddenly, “I know you think I’m so drunk that I can’t stop hugging you.”  He put her at arm’s length again, “I’m just trying to stop you from going while I build up the courage to tell you…” He paused and looked at her face.

“Tell me what Mike?”  Rae said with an awkward grin.

“That you’re the most beautiful girl in Stamford.”  He said earnestly.  Rae felt her eyebrows furrow.

“That’s not true.”  She said simply.

“No but you are.”  He looked away for a moment, “Like at first I thought you was just some fat, mingy bird, right, and I heard Finn Nelson was doing you… and I thought Simmy was right you know?  Magic fanny.”  He looked embarrassed, “But I got to know you a bit, and you’re right proper smart and funny.”  He looked down, meaning to look at his feet but instead getting caught up in her breasts, “And then I found myself starting to like you more and more… and then I saw you at the art class and… well I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since.”  He said softly and looked back up at her face, “and I just realised that I’m never gonna see you again.  I’m fucking off to university down south…”  He seemed to look at her in a way that would memorise her face.  “So I thought… I’d be brave enough to tell you that I think you’re brilliant.  In every way.”

“You’re really drunk Mike.”  Rae tried to tell him but he shook his head.

“Nah I think this way all the time.  You’re brilliant.  Finn’s really fucking lucky to have you.”  He looked her up and down again, “I know he’s s’posed to be the fittest lad in school, but I still don’t understand how he managed to pull it off.  How’d he get you?”

“Um…”  Rae was utterly flummoxed.  It was not a question she’d ever considered, or one she ever thought would really be asked of her.  “I kinda wonder how I managed to get him, Mike.”

“Don’t be fucking daft woman!”  Mike laughed, “You’re closest to perfect I’ve ever seen.  And Finn’s a grumpy sod!  A brilliant grumpy sod… but still a grumpy sod.”  Rae shook her head but Mike hugged her again, “I’ll miss seeing you smile Rae.”  He said honestly.  “Can’t believe what a lucky bastard Finn is.”  Rae was trying to devise a plan for getting out of this when she Phillip weaving his way through the crowd towards her.

“Mike!”  He said happily and Mike held Rae closer.

“Not this time Phil.  You get her next year I don’t.” 

“It’s ok Mike, you can visit us all.”  Phil said softly and Mike suddenly grinned and let Rae go. 

“You’re right!”  He stumbled slightly and hugged Phil, Rae started to laugh silently now that he was off her.  He hadn’t touched her inappropriately.  Unlike Corey who had tried to cop a feel of her tits when he’d hugged her goodbye; he just hadn’t wanted to let her go.  Rae gave Phil an appreciative grin and Phil shook his head that it was fine.  All around them people hugged and cried and said their farewells. 

Finn came out of the bathroom and saw Mike hugging Phil again and realised what had happened.  He saw Rae grinning at Phillip.

“That smarmy git.”  Finn fumed almost silently; first he’d already rescued her from Mike when they got here, then the dance earlier on this evening, and now this. 

Phil pointed out that Candace wanted to farewell Mike and managed to foist him off onto her.  No sooner was Mike hugging her farewell than Candace had started kissing him.  They made out passionately and Rae raised her eyebrows and looked back at Phillip, they started to laugh.  Finn started to head back towards them as he saw Phillip saying something to Rae and she nodded and replied, setting them both off into giggling fits.  And then Phillip opened his arms to her, to say goodnight with a hug.  Rae went to hug him, and then Finn was there pushing Phil back.  Rhys and Tom hanging back slightly.  But watching closely.

“I don’t think so Bill.”  Finn said aggressively.  And Rae held her tongue, having long ago agreed to not fight Finn on the topic of Phillip, even though she thought he was out of line here.  She and Phillip were just friends, she’d already made that clear to Phil.  Rae hugged all of her friends.  But Rae didn’t think she’d ever get Finn to see reason when it came to Phillip.  Phil just rubbed Finn the wrong way.  Rae had come to understand it was because they were so similar in many regards; they were like two notes that were almost the same but when you played them together they created a harmonic dissonance that jarred your ear, exactly because they were so alike that it highlighted how different they were. 

“Fuck you Bryn-Lee.”  Phil returned with an almost cocky air, “Maybe if you’d been around to look after your girl I wouldn’t have to.”  He nodded towards Mike and gave Finn a meaningful look.  Finn felt rage flooding into his system and grinned; his intent clear as his fists balled purposefully. 

“Not tonight.”  Tom breathed softly.  And Finn cocked his head slightly, hearing what Tom was saying; Tom hadn’t given Simmy the thumping he deserved tonight, because tonight was supposed to be special.  Finn tried to reign in his temper with great difficulty.

“You’ll get your fucking eyes off my girl if you know what’s good for you, Jill.”  Rae had never heard Finn sound so threatening and she felt her hand creep up to her open mouth.  Chop had looked over to see what was happening, and the rest of the gang were coming over, led by Chop.  Phil paused as if weighing his chances; his options.  His eyes flicked over to Chop, Izzy’s hand on his arm trying to soothe him; if Finn had a problem with Phillip, Chop had a problem with Phillip.  Archie went to Tom’s side and they spoke softly, Tom appraising Archie of the situation.  Chloe put her hand on Chop’s other arm and Rhys nodded almost imperceptibly in answer to her silent request for help with keeping Chop under control. 

“Always the fucking Neanderthal.”  Phillip answered drawing himself to his full height and squaring his shoulders impressively. 

“Alright, you two!”  Rae tried to intervene.  But Finn advanced on Phil and Phillip stepped up.  Phil’s two inch height advantage didn’t hide Finn’s slightly superior weight; the work he’d been doing with Rhys had increased his core strength and muscle mass. 

“The Neanderthal that’s gonna knock your fucking teeth down your throat if you come near her again.”  Finn threatened, “I’m done playing nice.  You don’t got school as an excuse no more.  Stay the fuck away from her.” 

“Make me.”  Phillip scoffed.

“Oh I’ll make you.”  Finn said and took a step closer.  “You don’t talk to her.  You don’t look at her.  If you see her on the same road as you, you turn the fuck around and walk away.  If you come anywhere near her I will hurt you in ways you can’t even begin to imagine.”

“Fucking make me Gwyn.”  Phillip answered icily, no hint of fear in his voice.  Rae couldn’t believe what she was seeing, the aggression from both of them was something she’d never seen before. 

“No one’s making anyone do anything!  Stop goading him Phil!”  Chloe said and pushed Phillip back before turning to Finn, “You can’t tell Rae who to talk to.”  She said angrily, “Phillip’s my friend too.  He’s a good guy and you need to calm the fuck down!”  Finn kept his eyes on Phillip, ignoring Chloe completely, “You’re treating her like property and I thought you were better than that.”  She finished sadly.  Finn turned his eyes to her momentarily.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Chlo.”  Finn turned his eyes back to Phillip, “get outta me way.” 

“No!”  She said angrily.

“Alright.”  Rhys said calmly, “That’s enough.”

“No fuck that shite!”  Chop said angrily, “if Finn wants that cunt’s blood, he’s got it!”  He grabbed Chloe and pulled her out of the way.

“Chop!”  Izzy said with dismay.

“If I saw some bloke looking at you the way that git looks at Raemundo, I’d put him in fucking hospital.”  Chop explained to Izzy.  Chloe pulled herself loose of Chop’s grasp and hit his arm hard.

“Arsehole!”  She yelled at him loudly.

“Not tonight!”  Archie said commandingly.  “It’s me last night.”  He said softly, “Can you at least wait till I’m fucking gone to all fall apart!”  Archie stormed past them to the limo parked waiting for them and got in.  Phil glared at Finn for a moment longer.

“To be continued dickwad.”  He said and turned to Rae, “I’ll chat to you later.”  He turned and left without looking back.  Sue walked past, laughing with Josh.

“‘Night Rae!”  She called as she left with him.  Rae looked over to Mike and Candace still making out.  No one had even noticed any of this.  She looked over at Finn, he was looking down at his feet shaking his head.  He looked up at her and she shook her head at him and turned to go after Archie without a word.  Chloe and Chop stared at each other.

“Sorry girl, but you gotta keep out of men’s business.”  He said apologetically and Chloe narrowed her eyes at him.

“Men’s business?”  Izzy said with an incredulous tone. 

“I just meant Chloe could get hurt.”  Chop said quickly seeking to placate Izzy.

“Oh right, cos all men do is use their fists!”  Izzy took Chloe’s hand.  “She was right to try and stop that fight and you’re being an arse right now Arnold Jacob Peters.”  Izzy said staunchly, “C’mon Chlo, Archie needs us.”  Izzy gave Chop a dirty look and Chloe looked over her shoulder at Rhys for a moment before following Izzy to the limo. 

“Go.”  Rhys said softly to Tom and Tom took off towards the limo.  Rhys turned back to Chop and Finn.  He’d been teaching Finn for over eight years; Chop for nearly five; he didn’t need to say a word for both of them to lower their eyes and think about what just happened.  Rhys was well aware that even though he was only 24, he was a better father to Chop than Chop’s own father had been and he knew that Finn had an excellent father, but often needed more guidance than Gary offered.  It had been a lot to put on Rhys at the age of 16; his first student, an angry 10 year old boy missing his mother, but he had grown to love Finn as a brother.  Nonetheless, he would never show mercy when it wasn’t deserved. 

“You trying to prove you’re as misogynistic as Ray Jones.”  Finn looked up at him in surprise.

“I don’t bash Rae!”  He said angrily; hurt by Rhys’s comparison.  Ray Jones was a guy that used to come to the boxing joint.  Three years ago he’d beaten his wife to death in their home.  She’d apparently let his dinner get cold.  A long history of domestic violence was uncovered and the whole of Stamford had been aghast that no one had realised that poor little, accident prone, shy, stuttering Agnes Jones had been an abused wife.  Except for Rhys, who, from the first day he met Ray, had been trying to tell the authorities, and anyone who would listen, that he was dangerous.

“Did I ever tell you how I knew Ray was a dangerous man?”  Rhys asked Finn and Finn shook his head.  “Cos he treated Agnes like his property.”  Rhys had a particular unimpressed sneer of contempt that he reserved for things that were particularly distasteful, Finn had rarely been on the receiving end of that sneer, and being on it now made him feel sick.  “Like she was the same as his car, or shoes… even beneath his dog.  Cos he let his dog talk to other dogs.  Said it was good to socialise dogs for their temperaments.  That dog socialised with whatever dog it wanted, while he controlled every interaction Agnes had.”  Rhys gave Finn the full force of that sneer, “tell me it was an unfair comparison Finn.”  Finn didn’t want to believe it, he clung to the notion that he was right.

“That cunt goes after my girl Rhys.”  Finn said angrily.

“And she chooses you and not him every day.”  Rhys said, “Which is her right.”  He said meaningfully, “to choose.”  He let silence settle amongst them “and today you should be thankful she chooses you because today you don’t deserve that choice.  The only way to be a real man in this world is to earn the love and respect of those you want it from.”  Rhys said firmly, “you both failed at that today.”  He looked at them both sternly, “You tried to own Rae rather than deserve her.”  He gave Finn time with that thought and then turned to look at Chop, “And you both ignored the concerns and wishes of those you claim to love, simply because it didn’t suit you to hear them.  You gave them fear and put them in danger and dismissed them and made them feel unimportant to you because of your egos.” 

“Oh fuck.”  Chop said and took off towards the limo, ready to beg for forgiveness from Izzy, Rae, Archie and Chloe.  Rhys looked back at Finn.

“What’s going on Finn?”  He asked softly. 

“He’s better than me Rhys.”  Finn said sadly, “It’s only a matter o’ time before she realises it.” 

“Whether that is true or not, is not for you or me to judge.”  Rhys answered, “But acting like a dickhead will only confirm your theory and will do nothing to stop her from realising it whether it’s true or not.”  Rhys told him and put a hand on his shoulder, “earn her love and respect.  That is the only thing you can do. And if you do that, it won’t matter if he’s better or not because she will always choose you.  If you work to earn her love and respect you will always be the better man for her.”  Finn took a deep breath feeling ashamed of himself in a way that he hadn’t since he was a little boy.

“He works to earn it too.”  Finn said irritably, “He does a better job than me.” 

“That’s not for you to say.”  Rhys answered immutably. 

“That fucker riles me up so much.”  Finn said bitterly.

“And you can give it back to him without trying to own Rae.”  Rhys said, “I’d never expect anyone to take shit from someone.  You know that.”  Rhys said, “And I expect you to give him twice as much shit as he gives you.”  Finn looked up at him with a wry grin, “But you can’t own another human being.  That’s not how you win this.”

“Was I really that bad?”

“I saw fear in your girl’s eyes Finn.”  Rhys finally saw the full impact of Finn’s actions hit him. 

“Was she afraid o’ me?”

“She’ll say she wasn’t.”  Rhys said, “She’ll say she was afraid of a fight breaking out.  And nothing will ever make her say otherwise”

“But she was afraid o’ me.”  Finn said, his entire body feeling numb and painful at the same time. 

“That’s not for me to say.”  Rhys said, “But at the very least she was afraid of your possible actions.” 

“That’s not much better.”  Finn lowered his eyes. 

“I see what you mean about your temper now.”  Rhys said softly and Finn gave him a grim smile.

“I’m much better than I were.”  Finn answered honestly.  “Been doing this self-soothing thing that Rae taught me.”  He looked over at the limo.  The door was open, waiting for them and Rae kept looking back to him.  Rhys thought about what Finn had said.

“I think you like being riled up by Phil.”  Rhys said softly and Finn scrunched up his brows at Rhys.

“No I don’t.”

“You like the competition.”  Rhys said and started to walk back to the limo.  Rhys decided to leave it there, because it was up to Finn to realise the rest of that sentence.  Finn followed, his hands in his pockets, his head lowered.  He got into the limo and sat next to Rae.

“I’m sorry I ruined the night.”  He said softly, “I don’t want us all to fall apart cos I’m a twat.”  He kept his eyes on his knees so he wasn’t ready for Archie launching himself at him.  They hugged, Archie sitting on Finn’s lap.

“I was just sad cos it’s all over.”  Archie said, “You’re not a twat!”

“You’re a bit of a twat.”  Chloe said with lowered eyes and Rhys gave her a smile that she tried, but failed to not return. 

“If anyone’s king twat it’s me!”  Chop declared as Archie slunk in between Rae and Finn.  Finn kept trying to see how Rae was but he couldn’t see her through Archie’s laughing form.

“But I can make it up to all of us!”  He raised a baggie with eight joints in it.  “A little gift for me favourite fuckers!”  Archie laughed and reached out for one as he sat back next to Tom, Finn looking over at Rae immediately, she was looking at Chop and he felt his heart fall; she was deliberately not looking at him, and that meant she was angry at him.  “He’s gonna drive around for an hour then drop us all home.”  Chop said told them as he started to hand the spliffs to each of them.  He lit Izzy’s first, moving round the circle until he lit his last. 

“So what’s happening for you now Archibald?”  Chop asked as he sucked on his spliff.

“If my marks are good enough I’ll be going to the University of Leicester.”

“That’s not far.”  Chloe said excitedly.

“Yeah and it’s got one of the best history departments in the country.”  Archie grinned happily.

“That’s convenient.”  Rae raised her eyebrows.

“I’ve already got conditional entry.”  Archie sounded excited, “But I am thinking of maybe deferring for a year to do some travel and work.”  He shrugged.  “I still got time to make that decision.”  Rae noticed both Tom and Finn giving Archie a worried look and she knew they were both worrying that he was deferring for them.  “And you lot are back to College next year.”  He looked at Finn, “Still can’t believe you’re not leaving with me!”  Finn gave him an apologetic look and Archie smiled sadly in response. 

“Finlay, when I buy the mechanic you could work there instead of all this college shite you know.”  Chop told Finn and Finn glanced sideways at Rae uneasily.

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.”  He muttered.  Before Rae, he had been convinced that he’d probably end up working with Chop.  He didn’t like mechanical work exactly, but he didn’t hate it either.  It seemed like a fair way to make a living.  Now he was considering the possibility of university, and he had the job at the radio station that had ignited other dreams and career options too. 

“I’m fucking starving.”  Izzy suddenly said and Chop’s ears perked up.  The last time he’d given her pot, at the coast, she’d eaten well.  He knocked on the window to the driver.

“We need some food!”  He told the driver as soon as the window opened and the driver nodded and closed the window without word. 

Moments later they were parked outside of a tiny caravan in the middle of a car park.  Tons of drunk people and students from the ball where there while two men in the van cooked up all manner of deep fried foods.  Rae looked over at a rocking car parked a few space down and grinned.  She looked back at Finn and he raised his eyebrows she smiled softly and he understood that a truce was being called.  He looked around and saw a few guys, one of them quite fit, checking her out, mostly staring at her breasts, but when he looked back at her, she was still looking at him.  She reached out her hand to him and he took it feeling like he was home again.

“Sorry.”  He said softly to her.  She shook her head.

“Let’s go feed Izzy.”  She grinned, “And give Archie a good night.”  He nodded and they headed up to the caravan. 

 

[ _ ‘Crash Into Me’ by Dave Matthews Band _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7ph3wWMcFQ)

It had ended up being another three hours, eating chips and gravy with milkshakes and smoking copious amounts of marijuana, Chop sharing some with the guys in the caravan and some of the patrons too before they finally headed home.  Tom dropped the keys on the side and watched Archie walking ahead of him, taking his shirt off.  He noticed that the last set of cane marks he’d given him were fading nicely and became acutely aware of his own bruises.  He always did when he saw Archie’s bruises.  It was a strange connection he had with Archie that he’d never had before; he seemed to feel Archie’s pain, physical, mental, emotional.  He was so enamoured with Archie that Archie had him wrapped around his little finger, not that Archie knew that, but even if he did, Tom knew he’d never abuse his power. 

“University of Leicester.”  Tom said slowly, “It’s got a good reputation.”  He mused, “Only 50 minutes away.”  He studied Archie’s face, “we could definitely have that kind of long distance relationship.”  He grinned. 

“I’m not thinking of deferring for you.”  Archie answered him, “I really would like to get a bit o’ travel in.  Go to all the places Alexander the great went.  I wanna see the Oracle of Delphi…”  He said wistfully. 

“I’ll take you.”  Tom answered. 

“You don’t like history.”  Archie said fondly.

“That’s not true.  I just don’t like it as much as you.”  Tom reached out and took Archie’s hand. “The Oracle of Delphi’s in Egypt right?”

“Yeah.”

“I always wanted to go there.” 

“You’ll really come with me?”  Archie asked excited.

“Yes.”  Tom said, “Although I’ll have to organise something with my jobs…” He pulled a face and then grinned, “But we’ll go exploring together for a bit, yeah?”  Archie kissed Tom in response and Tom took him into his arms.

“It’s been too long since we made love.”  Tom said looking into Archie’s eyes.  Archie slowly took Tom’s jacket off and unbuttoned his shirt; their mouths already making love slowly, tenderly.  They fell to the floor amongst their clothes, holding each other tightly.

“I love you so much.  I can’t fucking breathe without you.”  Tom said and Archie kissed him tenderly.

“I think I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.”  Archie confessed softly.  “I know it actually.”  Tom had stopped breathing, unable to believe Archie was saying this to him. 

“Then that’s that we’ll do.”  He said with a laugh of disbelief and happiness; he had honestly never believed that this would happen to him. 

“I love you.  I love you.  I love you.”  Archie repeated in a low murmur as Tom’s mouth kissed his face, his neck, his lips.  He understood Finn’s assertion that he’d love Rae forever.  He understood it perfectly.  “You’re the love of my life.”  Archie told Tom before Tom devoured his mouth with kisses. 

 

***

 

Izzy ripped Chop’s shirt off him and he laughed in surprised delight.

“That’s a fucking rental!”  She bit his nipple in response and he yowled and grabbed her arms to pull her up so he could kiss her mouth.  A conversation he’d had with Finn came back to him as her mouth insistently, roughly kissed his.

_I fucked Rae’s cunt so hard and deep I don’t know how I didn’t knock her fucking tonsils out.  And I pulled her hair._

_You pulled her fucking hair?_

Chop ran his hands up Izzy’s body through her dress and she groaned and undid his pants aggressively.

“I want you to fuck me Chop!”  She ordered, and Chop’s mouth dropped, his eyes opened wide. 

_And I came all over Rae and she were just like, ‘hey, I liked that, let’s do it again’ so…_

_She liked it?  Un-fucking-believable.  How does this grumpy cunt end up with the most sexually perverted girl on the planet?_

She fell down on her knees and started to suck on his cock like a starving woman.  Chop inhaled quickly, his body tensing up with pleasure.  He watched her suck his cock in a way she never had before.  They had made tender love several times over the past two days since she’d gotten back, and each time he’d made her cum, and he enjoyed that fact.  But he knew it wasn’t just him; it was like once she started to cum with him, she could just do it easier, or maybe he’d gotten better, but she always came at least once now because he always went down until she came before he got his cock anywhere near her pussy.  And she clearly enjoyed the penetrative part of sex more now too.

_Nah Chop!  Well yeah, Rae is a dirty pervert and I love it!  But what I’m trying to say is; girls are more dirty than you think._

And Chop had noticed Izzy becoming more assertive during their love making.  She would talk more, telling him what she liked.  He’d only had to prod her gently, and she was taking it and running with it.  She enjoyed this new sex life of theirs.  It had made her far more sensual in the bedroom, more willing to do things like be on top, in fact she was starting to insist upon it.

_What?  You reckon I could do that to Izzy?_

_I fucking know you could do that to Izzy!  With the right preparation._

Chop started to realise that Izzy had just needed to feel like her desires and wants were important to him.  She just needed to be heard in the bedroom, to have her desires met; and now she was erupting into a woman who wanted more.  Who wanted to explore, who wanted sex and orgasms and to give and receive pleasure.  All this time focusing on her and making sure he gave her orgasms during sex, Chop had thought he was just doing a very small thing that was just for her, but really he was helping Izzy build herself into a woman who was brave enough to truly express herself in terms of her sexuality.  He’d been helping prepare both of them for that perverted stuff Finn had been talking about…

He put his hands on the shoulders of her dress tentatively and then tore it aggressively.  She laughed.

“Yes Chop!”  She groaned and leapt up into his arms like a wild tigress on the hunt.  They fell back onto the bed and Chop tore the dress from her as she mounted him like he was a prey animal, riding him almost violently, forgetting to use a condom. 

“Izzy!”  He cried, “Condom baby!”  She stopped and laughed.

“Oh no!”  She kept laughing.  “Oh I hope you don’t get sick from the chemo!”  She reached over to the bedside table and opened the drawer, grabbing a condom and putting it on him.  She’d never done that before; that had always been his job.  It was so sexy watching her handle that, knowing she wanted him so badly she had to get this done now and had no patience to watch him doing it. 

“That was the first time I’ve ever… been inside a woman without a condom.”  He said in awe and she grinned.

“How’d it feel?”

“Good.”

“You feel so warm.”  She smiled.  “Your… cock. I mean… felt warm.”  Chop felt his mouth smiling, his mind was stopping at the fact that she was talking about his cock.  Cock was not a word he heard Izzy say often. 

“D’you like that?  The warmth?”  He asked and she nodded.

“When the chemo gets outta me system I’ll go on the pill… get rid o’ these things, yeah?”  She said and he nodded, in awe of that decision; he figured they’d be using rubbers until they got married.  “Now fuck me hard Arnold Peters!”  She pulled him on top of her and Chop was quite happy to oblige; as hard as he could dare to go.

 

***

 

Chloe had never been in Rhys’s house.  She’d decided to keep that distance deliberately.  They still weren’t dating, and she wasn’t sure that she was ready to go all the way with him or anyone.  But she knew that she wanted something to happen with Rhys, so she’d asked to be dropped off here and had rolled her eyes at the raised eyebrow grin Rae had given her, but she’d grinned back.  It had been nearly eight months since Rae had rescued her from Ian’s house at the end of November.  And over six months since those men in the hotel in London during New Year’s. 

Nearly seven months without sex of any kind.  No kisses.  No fondling.  No caresses.  Nothing. 

She felt her body shaking, her stomach filled with butterflies.  Every muscle in her body felt like it was fluttering wildly.  She tried to take a deep breath as Rhys turned on the lights.  A huge ginger Tom cat leapt in through the window and meowed loudly.

“Local stray.”  Rhys explained and stroked him affectionately.  “I might feed him on occasion.”  He grinned as he went to the kitchen, the cat following him.  Chloe looked in and saw a cupboard full of cat food, Rhys feeding the cat carefully and smiled, shaking her head.

“He’s just a big softie really.”  She marvelled to herself.  He came out of the kitchen.

“Do you want a drink or…?”

“Show me your bedroom.”  She said rather suddenly and Rhys paused.

“You sure?”

“Doesn’t mean something will happen.”  She lowered her eyes.

“I know.”  He responded, “But it could be a confronting thing for you?”

“I wanna see where you sleep.”

“Alright.”  He held out his hand and she took it gently.  He led her up the hallway, “laundry.  Bathroom, spare room.”  He listed off the rooms as they passed them.  She stepped into his room, the cat walking past her and sitting on a chair in the corner. 

“It’s a nice room.”  She said, feeling comfortable in it.  It wasn’t the kind of room she expected from a man with Rhys’s reputation.  It didn’t look like a place that saw a lot of action.  She knew that Rhys and Elsa had history and she’d heard the rumours about Elsa.  Chloe knew she couldn’t compare to Elsa and she had been expecting to see some sort of sign that Elsa had been here.  But there was none.  It was the room of a clean, serious, single man. 

“Not what you expected.”  He said with a knowing smile and she shook her head.

“How do you have and orgy in a place like this?”

“You don’t.”  He answered simply.

“But don’t you…?”  She turned to look at him, his face calm and patient and turned away, “Don’t you have a lot of sex?”

“Not recently.”  He said with a wry grin and she turned to give him an equally wry grin. 

“Sorry.”  She lowered her eyes.

“Don’t be sorry.  Never be sorry for making the choices that are right for you Chloe.”  He answered, “And it’s been my choice.  We’re not dating, I could easily pick up someone else if I wanted to.”  He stepped away from the door and repositioned himself on the other side of the room, so that he wasn’t blocking her exit.  “But that’s not what you mean.”  He said astutely, “I have had many sexual partners in the past.”  He admitted, “I am a very sexual man.”  Rhys answered her unspoken concerns honestly.

“Bisexual?”  She asked, needing to know what she was getting into.

“I haven’t really applied one of those labels to myself.”  He kept his eyes on her, reading her carefully, “I just find people attractive.”

“Which people?”

“Most people.”  He shrugged, “Not mad about bigots though.”  He leaned on his drawers and folded his hands over his lap, “doesn’t mean I have sex with everyone I find attractive though.”

“Have you had sex with anyone I know?”  Rhys licked his lips as his eyes flicked off and Chloe’s heart felt like it stopped; why was he hesitating?

“Tom and Elsa.”  He answered, “But Archie doesn’t know.”  Chloe felt her heart beating again, he hesitated for Archie, not because he didn’t want to tell her. 

“So you do… kinky stuff?”  She asked tentatively.

“Have done.”  Chloe liked that there was no shame or concern in the way he responded. 

“D’you expect that from me?”  Chloe’s stomach clenched in fear, maybe she’d been wrong to come to his house; she could never be what he wanted. 

“I expect you to tell me what you want if we ever get there, and I’ll follow your lead.”  The way his eyes stayed on her face was so calming.

“What about what you want?”

“I’m a very simple man Chloe.”  Rhys answered with a meaningful look, “I just want you.”  A silence drifted between them, “But I don’t expect you and I am not now, nor ever will be, entitled to you.”  Chloe nodded, understanding that she still had all the power here.  “I will follow your lead.”  He finished immutably. 

“Sometimes a good leader leads from behind huh?”  Chloe answered, understanding that Rhys was a leader, a person that guided and shaped people.  People with the kind of charisma and power he had didn’t just give it up; he was guiding her in some subtle way that she didn’t know. 

“No.”  Rhys answered, understanding that rape victims found it hard to trust again and that Chloe would take some time to truly believe what he told her, “Sometimes a leader needs to know when to follow.”  He nodded to the door, gently reminding her that she could leave.  “I will follow your lead.”  Chloe hadn’t noticed that he’d left the door clear for her, she turned and looked at it.  Thoughts of every other man she’d been with came to her; they had all blocked the door with their presence.  Even her fucking PE teacher had positioned himself between her and the exit.  She walked to the door, and he didn’t move, just watched her silently.  He meant it.  He wasn’t going to try to stop her from leaving.  She tested the theory.  She kept walking and heard Rhys slowly follow her, but he didn’t gain on her, didn’t stop her as she walked down the hallway.  She got to his front door and opened it.  He picked up his keys.

“Allow me to drive or walk you home?”  He asked with no hint of menace or disappointment, maintaining a physical distance between them.  She turned her eyes to him and saw his honest face.  Rhys was too straight up to lie about this stuff, she understood that, so why had she felt the need to test him like this? 

“You’ll follow my lead…”  She mumbled as she closed the front door and went to him, her heart in her mouth.  She took Rhys’s keys and went back to the door and dead-bolted it.  Rhys’s eyebrows raised slightly, he had deliberately left the door unlocked for her, now it couldn’t be unlocked without the keys.  She turned back to Rhys.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen.”  She said and then she threw the keys across the room, not looking at where they landed, even though Rhys noted their location before turning his eyes back to her.  “But I do wanna spend the night here.”  She raised her chin slightly, faking bravado, and walked to him slowly.  She put her hands on his chest and Rhys kept his eyes on her, his hands staying at his side as she slowly raised her hands up his chest, reaching to take his jacket off.  He let her do as she wished and the jacket fell to the floor.  Her fingers fell to his waist jacket and undid the buttons slowly, and then she slowly removed that too.  She undid his bowtie, and Rhys raised his chin to help her his eyes staying on her face.  She was yet to make eye contact with him.  Slowly she unbuttoned his shirt and Rhys held his breath, his desire for her was rising, and he had to keep it in check.  Chloe let her hands run over his naked chest as she pushed the shirt from him and it fell to the floor too.  She ran her fingertips over his tattoos and firm muscles, taking in his naked torso for the first time.  She stepped back to take him in.  She felt her whole being elate when she saw desire on his face.  A deep, aching desire that was carefully controlled.  She looked into his eyes and noticed that his breath was shorter than his normal long deep calming breaths. 

“Take your pants off.”  She said softly and he nodded slightly, his eyes staying on hers as he finished undressing for her.  He stood completely naked before her, while she was still fully clothed.  They hadn’t even kissed yet.  Chloe grinned when that thought came to her.  He really was going to follow her lead.  To think she had this powerful man doing her bidding.  She bit her bottom lip as she took in all of him. 

“Bloody hell you’re fit.”  She breathed and Rhys grinned in reply, pleased that she was satisfied with his appearance.  Chloe’s eyes fell to his penis and she felt that familiar ache in her body; her vagina throbbed exquisitely.  “Holy hell.”  She took a deep breath as she watched him growing harder; his size was quite impressive and she was both scared and excited by that.  Chloe licked her lips and looked back up at Rhys’s face, the desire was even more obvious now, but likewise, the control he had over it was also more obvious.  “Put your clothes back on.”  She said and he didn’t hesitate, he bent to pick up his boxers.  “Don’t!”  She laughed, “Don’t get dressed.”  She shook her head.

“Testing the control?”  He asked with an astute grin and she nodded.  “You do that as much as you need to missy.”  Chloe felt a strange assuredness settle over her. 

“I might not be able to go through with this.”  She explained.

“And you need to know I’ll stop.”  He knew.  He understood.  “I will.”  Chloe looked into his eyes and believed him. 

“Undress me.”  Rhys took a few slow steps towards her, his eyes on her face, his hands went to her face; one stroked her cheek gently, the other hand tangled in her hair and Chloe felt tears in her eyes; no one had ever done that to her before. 

“You are so beautiful Chloe.”  He said softly, “Can I kiss you?”  Chloe had never had a man more interested in kissing her than undressing her, she felt breathless and nodded slowly.  He leaned in slowly, keeping is eyes on her, closing them at the last moment and kissed her lips softly.  Chloe’s breath caught in her throat as the kiss deepened, her head felt light and her innards squirmed joyously.  Slowly Rhys undid her dress as he kissed her and it fell from her easily, leaving her in only her black lacy knickers.  Chloe pressed herself against him and kissed him fervently, the passion growing steadily.  She could feel his hard cock against her stomach and found she wasn’t afraid of his desire. 

“Let’s go to your bedroom.”  She breathed in between his kisses and he slowly took her into his arms, carrying her to the bedroom.  She giggled and threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, the heat in her belly spreading through her, her desire for him taking over her senses.  He gently laid her on the bed.

“Can I touch your body?”  He asked as he leaned over her.

“Do what you want.”  She said breathlessly, wanting him more than she’d wanted any man.

“I’ll stop if you say, alright?”

“I know.”  She answered as her hands went to his face, “I know Rhys.”  He kissed her, his hands gently running down her body, a groan leaving his lips; the way he desired her was incredible and Chloe felt desirable in a way she never had before; like she was worth something.  Worth waiting months for, worth taking it slow, worth whatever she made him do… He’d do whatever she wanted…

She’d heard Rae talking about it… And she’d talked big about it… but the truth was, no one had ever gone down on her, and she wanted to know what it was like.  Men she’d been with had always just been keen to get their dicks into her.  She didn’t know how to ask him.  But he was kissing her neck now, and it felt so good, so she held her tongue and just enjoyed the moment.  His mouth travelled down her body and Chloe strained upwards, pushing herself against his mouth, arching her body so that her breasts, and then her stomach was as close to his descending mouth as it could be.  He slowly slid her knickers off, her body lifting to wherever his mouth was, his mouth following her underpants, kissing down her legs.  Chloe groaned as her knickers dropped to the floor.  Rhys kissed back up her legs and Chloe parted her thighs as he got higher, not daring to hope that he’d just do it without her needing to ask for it.  And then his mouth was on her pussy and her head fell back, her breath gasped out of her in pleasure as his tongue found her clitoris.  Chloe groaned and pushed her pelvis towards his mouth.  Rhys took her lead and gently slid his middle finger inside of her, seeking to find what gave her the most pleasure.  It didn’t take him long to get a reaction from her, a deep groan resonated through her insides and he knew he’d found what he’d been looking for.  Chloe had been masturbating for years, she knew what an orgasm was, and she had orgasmed during sex before, but never because the man was trying to make her cum, or even cared if she came.  So to have Rhys doing something that was solely for her pleasure, and doing it so well, with a very clear intention to keep going until she came was one of the most incredible experiences Chloe had ever had.  Again and again, Rhys made her feel like she was worth something.  She didn’t want it to stop, the way his finger felt inside of her, the way his tongue slid over her cunt, the growing heat in her stomach, she wanted it to last forever.  She cried out loudly, surprising herself when that heat ignited and orgasm ripped through her violently.  Her whole body shook and she completely lost herself in that moment; it was perfect, she was perfect for one moment.  She felt him slowly kissing back up her body and felt fear tingling in her insides.  Now he’d expect to be able to use her body to cum.  She didn’t know if she was ready for it.  But she kissed his mouth when he finally returned to her.  After a long time kissing he knelt and reached into his bedside drawer.  She watched him carefully put on a condom, her insides in turmoil.  But when he returned to her, kneeling between her thighs, her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him close so he wouldn’t see any trace of fear she couldn’t keep off her face.  She had to do it.  She owed him now.  And besides that; if she didn’t do it now, she might never do it again. 

“Do it.”  She whispered into his ear and he groaned with desire, gently rubbing the head of his cock along her cunt.   Chloe felt her insides trembling, she wasn’t sure.  She wasn’t sure.  He started to slide into her slowly, gently.

“Stop!”  She said suddenly; the fear getting the better of her and Rhys instantly sat up onto his heels, his penis withdrawn from her.  She watched him, kneeling between her thighs, taking in a deep breath, his eyes closed, his palms rubbing along his thighs; reigning in that desire.  She worried about what he’d say, would he be angry, would he withdraw his affection, would he tell her she owed him?

His eyes opened slowly; his body still panting with desire.

“Alright.”  He said with a tight smile that slowly grew more genuine, “Alright.”  He nodded, “Whatever you need Chloe.”  She looked up at him, not knowing what she felt.

“I don’t know what I need.”  She said, a tear slipping down her cheek.  “I’m sorry.”  She cried as she sat up, “I’m sorry, I know I owe you now, but I don’t know if I can!”  She buried her face in her hands not wanting to see how he would look at her; disappointment, annoyance?  Would he look at her like she was a stupid broken girl?  Rhys wanted to hold her, but understood that his physicality might trigger her, so he kept his hands to himself. 

“Chloe you don’t owe me anything.”  He said firmly.  “Not a thing.”

“But you went down.”  She said.

“That was my choice and I enjoyed every minute of it.”  She looked up at him with a surprised face.

“You enjoyed that?  Why would you enjoy it?”  Rhys rubbed his face as he tried to take stock of what she’d asked him.  She thought a man couldn’t enjoy something in sex that didn’t involve his own cock; that a man couldn’t enjoy just giving pleasure to his partner.

“Has no one ever done that to you before?”  He asked and Chloe looked away.

“Course they have.”  She lied.  But Rhys saw the lie and nodded slowly, understanding now just how deep the scars were with her; no man had ever made love to her, they’d all just used her for their own pleasure.  Chloe didn’t know how to take a man that wanted to pleasure her.  No man she’d been with had done right by her, and several had deliberately harmed her.  Rhys felt a deep sadness and wished he could just take it all away from her; she deserved so much better than what had happened to her. 

Chloe waited for him to push her, either to tell the truth or to have sex.  But she felt him get up off the bed, and slowly she looked over at him as he took off the condom and slipped some pants on and once again positioned himself so she had access to the door. 

“The keys fell between the middle cushions on the green sofa.”  He told her.  “I can do whatever you want here.”  He licked his lips, “You can leave, either with or without me escorting you home, whatever makes you feel safest.”  He scrunched up his face, “I’d feel safer if you let me take you home though.”  Chloe’s heart dropped, he was kicking her out; he was doing it nicely, but that’s what was happening.  “Or,” he continued, “If you still wanna stay, I can make up the spare bed for you.”  He said and Chloe’s inside squirmed; he wasn’t kicking her out, he was giving her options.  “Or if you wanna stay in my bed, I can just hold you, or not.”  He said with a small smile, “Or, we can just make out; kissing you is… incredible.  It doesn’t have to go further tonight.”  He nodded slowly, Chloe not doubting that he really meant it.  “Or if you still wanna fool around, I can leave me pants on and I can go down again; as many times as you’ll let me.  The taste of you is out o’ this world missy.”  Chloe felt her face crimson and she looked down with a slight disbelieving laugh.  “No matter what you choose, you don’t owe me anything.  And you never will.  No matter how many times I go down on you.  No matter what happens.  Your no… or stop…. Is a complete sentence; it does not need explaining, and I will always respect it.”  His eyes dropped to the still obvious bulge in his pants, although it had lessened significantly upon seeing her cry,   “And if the erection bothers you, I can always have a private man moment… or several… and get rid of him, every time he arises.”  Chloe chuckled softly. 

“I’ve never had anyone go down before.”  She admitted softly, “And once you’d done that, I knew that I owed you and I had no way out… I had to go through with it.”  She looked up at him.

“No you don’t.”  Rhys said, “You will never have to do something you don’t want to with me Chloe.”  He nodded and then a wry smile came across his mouth, “no matter how hard it is to stop.”  He said honestly, “I will always stop.  Never doubt it.  Your body.  Your choice.”  Chloe took that in and looked down at her naked body; her insides squirming with trepidation, her cunt still aching for him, the small taste she’d gotten wasn’t enough. 

“I want you to make love to me.”  She said softly, “But I don’t know if I can go through with it.” 

“Maybe tonight isn’t-” Rhys started.

“I wanna try again.”  She said with the same determination Rhys had seen on her face when she had grabbed his hand and put it to her throat.  He wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do.

“Are you sure?” 

“I might say stop again.”  She said in an apologetic tone.

“Then I’ll stop again.”  He answered, “Don’t be sorry about it, alright?”  She nodded and opened her arms up to him.  He saw the way she was shaking, but slowly went to her, his pants still on.  She drew him onto the bed, this time lying him down, she leaned over him and kissed his mouth.  His hands crept up to her face, stroking her skin and hair tenderly.  Their kissing slowly grew in intensity, building up her desire again. 

“Get them pants off you.”  She said firmly and he lifted his pelvis and pulled them off as she reached to get another condom, as soon as they were gone she looked down at his cock, almost afraid to touch it; she hadn’t really touched one for a long time.  She took hold of it and slowly slid the condom on, Rhys’s eyes staying on her face the whole time.  She could see the control he was keeping in place as she straddled him, her hands leaning on his chest.  Chloe looked down at Rhys for some time and he reached up and stroked her face again, the soft slow movement reassuring her that she had all the time in the world; he wasn’t going to rush her.  Her eyes stayed on his as she reached between her legs and guided his cock into her, slowly letting his full length slide inside of her for the first time.  She saw Rhys blink slowly, his mouth opening with pleasure.  She stopped, perfectly still, her eyes closed, just feeling him inside of her, feeling him completely fill her, Rhys laid there and let her do as she wanted.  She tightened herself around him and he sighed softly.  Slowly the fear in her eased and she started to move on him, sliding him in and out of her, she opened her eyes to see him looking up at her face with adoration and desire.  She laughed slightly and leaned down to kiss him, his hands slowly started to caress her body and she moaned in response.  And then he slowly started to thrust up from under her and she groaned, feeling her insides already wanting to explode with pleasure.

“Rhys.”  She groaned happily.  Finally, she was making love, for the first time in her life.  She wasn’t getting fucked by some guy.  She was making love to him. 

“Chloe.”  He returned between kisses, his hand again finding her face and stroking her hair lovingly. 

 

***

 

Finn closed the door softly; his dad would be asleep in his room upstairs.  Luckily, Gary was a heavy sleeper, especially after air travel, and he’d only gotten back from Sutherland an hour or so before he’d driven Finn to Rae’s house.  Finn knew that his dad would have had a few sherries and fallen into a deep sleep that nothing short of an apocalypse would wake him from.  But he still didn’t want to tempt fate; he had business with Rae tonight.  So he closed the door to the stairs before turning to Rae.

“I’m sorry about afore.”  He said softly, his eyes on hers, waiting for the previous anger he’d seen to rise up.  But she was silent, her eyes watching him, waiting for what he had to say.  “Like you said girl, old worries have a way o’ coming back.”  Rae noticed his sad face and felt her body ache for him; she hated to see him miserable like this.  “I let that happen tonight.  And I’m so sorry Rae.”  He ached to hear her voice.  Whenever she was silent it made him crumble inside. 

“I can’t be angry at you for that.”  She said softly, her eyes still on his, “I let it happen sometimes too.  Probably always will.”  She shrugged, “no matter how hard we try, the same old fears are always circling in the shadows.  We fight against ‘em… sometimes it’s easier than at other times.”  She walked to him and put a hand on his face, “we gotta help each other when our old worries start to bite like wolves, alright?”

“Aye.”  His hand went to her hand on his face and he closed his eyes, leaning into her hand.  They’d come so far, and he felt so secure and safe with her; but he could hardly believe that she had forgiven him.  He didn’t deserve her; she was more than perfect.

“I don’t deserve you Rae.”  He said sadly.  She took his face in her hands.

“Please don’t ever think that way.”  She said sadly, “You’re best thing that’s ever happened to me Finn.”  She kissed him and he tasted her hungrily; he had been so scared she would reject him tonight, he feared they would argue, that they would spend the night apart.  But she kissed him deeply, her mouth sweet and insistent.  Slowly she pulled back, leaving her forehead on his.  Finn’s hands crept to her waist and held her.

“I love you Finn.”  She said softly, “More than anything, you have to know that.”  Finn was silent for a moment and then nodded.

“Alright.”

“But you don’t know it.”  She whispered.  She kissed him again and pulled back to look at him.  She stroked his face, looking adoringly at him and Finn felt his insides clench; he really didn’t deserve her.  How could she be looking at him with so much love when he had been such an arse tonight?

“I love you.”  He said to her and watched the way her whole body smiled when he said that.  But after a moment her face grew serious.

“What do you want me to do about Phillip?”  He looked at her face, confused, but her expression was sincere and resolute

“Why are you asking me?”  Finn felt his mouth growing dry.  He knew why she was asking him.  Because tonight he had asserted himself as the boss, he had claimed her as his property, and she was acquiescing to this.  He felt nauseous.  This was not what he wanted; he loved her carefree and cheeky nature, he didn’t want her to be under his thumb.

“I already told you, I won’t make you think that I’d choose him over you.  I won’t have it.  I’ll cut ties with him.”  She said in a determined voice and Finn was disappointed with himself because his first internal reaction was to order her to do it; to cut ties with a friend, so that he wouldn’t have to deal with his own foolish jealously.  Rae had never given him reason to doubt her, and she didn’t treat Phillip differently than Chop or any other male friend in her life.  Finn’s problem wasn’t with the way Rae acted, it was with Phillip.  Hell, Finn had watched Mike manhandle her with more humour than he watched Phillip ask her how her day had been. 

“You’d do that for me?”  He hated that these words escaped him, and that they sounded so desirous. 

“Of course I would.  Why would you think I wouldn’t?”  She answered firmly.

“Because he’s your mate!”  Finn felt outraged at himself.  He’d hate it if Rae told him he couldn’t be friends with Izzy or Chloe.  Even after Chloe had kissed him, Rae had never insisted that they not be friends.  She’d watched closer, but had never told him to stay away; he’d chosen to do that, and if he was honest, he made that decision as much for himself as Rae; he didn’t trust Chloe not to try something again.  Phillip had never even tried to kiss Rae; she had no reason to keep him away other than Finn’s jealousy.  Even though Phil had feelings for Rae, he kept them mostly under control, even Finn had to acknowledge that.  Finn hated how this conversation was going; hated what his temper had done to her. 

“Aye.”  She answered honestly, “He is my friend.”  She sucked her bottom lip for a moment, “and I really enjoy his friendship.  He’s whip-smart, funny and he notices things I don’t; has an interesting way o’ seeing things.”  Rae said slowly, “and he’s passionate about things that I’m passionate about.  And I enjoy spending time with him.  I really don’t wanna lose his friendship.  I care about him probably almost as much as anyone in the gang.”  She said all of this artlessly; she was listing the reasons she cared for him as a friend, as she would if she were talking about Chloe, “But I will cut ties with him in a second.  Without hesitation.  If you tell me to.  If that’s what you need.”  Finn felt the weight of her words on his chest. 

_If you tell me to._

His mind took those words and mulled them over.  He enjoyed their sexual power struggle, but in the reality of building a life together, he had no desire to control her or make decisions for her.  He didn’t want this power over her.  He didn’t want to be Ray Jones.

“You’re more important than anything Finn.  You’re more important than any friend.”  He watched her swallow and knew there were tears in her that she was repressing.  It was hard for her to hand him all of her autonomy like this, to give him all the power over her; she enjoyed being her own person, she was strong and he liked thinking of her as his warrior.  He liked her power and strength.  He hated seeing her do this.  But even this was its own strength; she would do whatever it took for him.  The realisation of that hit him hard and he had to look away from her calm face. 

“I’ve been such an arse.”  He muttered, closing his eyes and letting his feelings settle for a moment.  “You have to have whatever friends you want.”  He said firmly, “it’s not for me to stop you.  I don’t own you!”  He said forcefully, his eyes finding hers. 

“But you do.”  She said softly, “I’m yours Finn.”  She took his hands and when he looked away she put her hand on his face and gently made him look at her, “I’m yours, don’t you understand?”  One of those repressed tears snaked down her cheek and Finn felt his inside breaking apart, what had he done?  “I belong to you.”  She whispered. 

“No Rae.”  He said softly.  But she didn’t hear him, she took in a shuddering breath.

“I’ll stay away from him.  I won’t talk to him.  I won’t look at him.  If I see him on the street, I’ll turn around and walk away.”  Finn saw the desperation on her face; she needed him to understand that she would actually do whatever it took for him.  Even be consumed by him.  Finn closed his eyes, the action squeezing tears from his eyes.  The sting of her using the words he’d used to intimidate and threaten Phillip, as an order, a shackle upon her own actions made him realise just how controlling they were. 

“I won’t hesitate to do that for you.  If you need this Finn, I’ll do it.”

“No please.”  He felt himself begging her, “Please don’t.”  Finn felt shame burning through his chest, “Don’t do this.”  He took her face in his hands, “No one tells you what to do Rae.”  He said firmly, “We belong together… it’s not the same as you belong to me.  Alright?”  He kissed her gently, “I don’t own you!  I don’t!”  He stroked her face, “I fucked up Rae.  I fucked up.  Please don’t… please don’t let that change you.” 

“So what do you want me to do?”  She asked helplessly. 

“Please…”  He lowered his head in shame. 

“I just wanna prove to you that I love you.”  She whispered soothingly to him.

“You don’t have to.”  He returned the whisper, “I’m so sorry Rae.”  He looked up at her, “I call you me girl… but I don’t own you, you understand?”  He took her face into his hands again, “You make your own decisions.”  Rae saw how urgently he needed this from her and she nodded.

“Alright.”  She replied, not sure what else to do. 

“Can we just pretend that shite tonight never happened?”  He begged, “Just go back to the way it were before?”  He stroked her hair, “you’re mates with Phil and I hate the pillock.”

“Pillock?”  Rae asked, “Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with someone you think is a pillock…?”

“I don’t have to like him Rae!”  Finn said urgently, “Even if he is a good friend o’ yours.”  He used his thumbs to stroke under her eyes, gently taking her tears off her cheeks.  “I can’t stand to make you lose a friend Rae.  Not one.  No matter who they are.” 

“Finn…”

“I insist.”  And Finn stopped, realising that now he was trying to force her to keep a friendship.  “What’s wrong with me?” 

“Nothing’s wrong with you!”  Rae said firmly, “We’ll get through this too, alright?”  He nodded slowly, awed by that strength of hers.  “Now are you sure you want me to maintain a friendship with someone you loathe so much?”

“You don’t need my permission.”  Finn answered through clenched teeth.

“I’m asking for your opinion.”  Finn looked up into her determined face, she’d already adapted to his needs again, now she was being stronger because he’d asked her to be.  How often did she do something like this for him?  And then he realised something that calmed him; how often did he do it for her?  Negotiating a life with someone was tricky, and it required a lot of give and take and compromise and adaptability.  And they were both willing to do whatever it took for each other.  They were going to make it.  The knowledge of this washed over Finn and he felt calmer than he had in a long time. 

“Yeah I’m sure.”  Finn said with a genuine grin and he saw Rae noticeably settle as soon as she saw it, “Keep your dickhead mate.”  And Rae laughed, “Phillip don’t mean nothing to our relationship.”  Rae nodded slowly.

“Alright.”  She said softly, she started to say ‘are you sure’ again, but Finn’s mouth was on hers and she felt his deep insistent kiss waking up some very lusty desires that had been stirring in her all night.

“D’you wanna make us a brew and I’ll meet you upstairs?”  He asked unexpectedly; he always offered to make things for her, never asked her to do them for him. 

“Alright.”  She said with a small smile.  He kissed her again and went to the door, heading upstairs quickly and quietly. 

Rae turned to the kettle and turned it on before starting a long search for sugar.

Eventually, after some time, Rae had managed to gather all the ingredients for tea from a kitchen that was organised in no discernibly logical manner.  She carried the teas upstairs and found that Finn had pulled the door closed, but not latched it, meaning she could easily push it open with her elbow. 

She paused on the threshold, amazed.  He had lit dozens of candles around the room and scattered wildflowers everywhere.  Wildflowers.  She’d always prefer them to the more traditional flowers girls were supposed to get from their lads.  He was sitting on the bed, his tie and top few buttons undone, lighting another candle and he looked up at her with a crooked grin.  He leaned over and turned some music on, the volume relatively low, as Rae put the tea down.

“It’s a mixtape I did for you.”  He said softly and when Rae heard ‘Moby Octopad’ by Yo La Tengo begin she smiled at how well he knew her; she’d barely even mentioned this song to Finn, he’d just noticed how she liked it.  Finn reached out and touched her thigh as the song played, writing the lyrics that had first made her love this song on her thigh

_Locked in a kiss_

_Outside eyes cease to exist_

“I know that lots o’ girls are going somewhere tonight to lose their virginity with their lads.”  He pulled a face and Rae chuckled, “The night of the summer ball is s’posed to be kinda special.”  He looked around at the room and back to Rae.

“It is special.”  Rae grinned and Finn stood up, his hands going to her waist.

“I don’t even know how to get you outta o’ this dress.”  He said softly his hands running up her sides, “Not entirely sure I wanna.”  He kissed her, pulling her close, his hands exploring her body through the dress, his fingers looking for a zipper.  “How do I get you outta this dress?”  He whispered urgently after a few minutes of heated kissing.  Rae hitched up her skirt slowly and leaned back against his desk, Finn grinned and undid his zipper, leaving the button done up so his pants would stay up and lifted her thighs to wrap around him, he slid into her slowly, pulling her closer, enjoying the way her thighs held him tightly.  He stroked her face staring into her eyes, both of them understanding how fragile and vulnerable they still felt after their argument, but both of knowing that the relationship was stronger than ever. 

“You’re my world.”  Rae told him as they made love, their kisses deep and intimate, “I will spend the rest of my life with you.”  She whispered to him through soft, gasping moans of pleasure and long scintillating kisses.  “I love you.” 

“A lifetime isn’t long enough.”  Finn whispered to her, his love for her overwhelming him, “even forever isn’t long enough.” 

 

[ _ ‘Hey You’ by Pink Floyd _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQcBwE6j09U&feature=kp)

“How’d the night go?”  His father asked as he poured over his work. 

“Fine.”  Phillip answered as he headed towards his room.

“Did you get the girl yet?”  His father asked and Phillip looked away, unimpressed. 

“Not yet.” 

“I like that Chloe girl.”  His father folded his arms, “You make an excellent couple.”

“She’s a mate.”  Phillip answered.

“You should make her more than a friend.”

“I’m pursuing a girl named Rachel, father.” 

“Hm.”  His father answered, “The one who calls herself Rae?” 

“Yep.  That’s the one.”  Phil had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. 

“Your tone.”  His father warned and Phillip smiled grimly.

“Sorry father.”

“She’s got a far better mind on her than Chloe.”  He considered, “but she hardly looks the part does she?” 

“She does to me.”  Phillip answered tightly.  He’d already had this discussion with his mother; she preferred Chloe too, in terms of how she’d look attending formal gatherings with the family.  His family was one that was obtaining wealth all the time, and keeping up appearances was an important part of that.  They were in Stamford for the next three years while his father sorted out something with the retail sector.  Phillip deliberately didn’t learn the business; he had no intention of joining his father’s company.  He was going to change his name and go into acting. 

“I think you’ll be pursuing Chloe now, son.  Although we’ll have to change that ridiculous name of hers.”  His father said with a paternalistic smile before he turned back to his work.  It was exactly this that had driven his sister out of their lives.

“Can I spend the summer break in the London house, father?”  Phillip asked politely, refusing to acknowledge his father’s order. 

“This house is awful isn’t it?”  He asked as if he understood Phillip’s motives for wanting to get away to London; really Phillip just wanted to be away from his parents. 

“Yes father.  It’s rather pokey and small.”  Phillip answered in a way that he knew would make his father let him leave. 

“Couldn’t do much better on short notice.”  His father answered grumpily, “and now we’re here, we’re staying put until we go back to London!” 

“Of course.”  He hated how pretentious his father was.  They were new wealth, new as in Phil still remembered being poor and calling his father dad. 

“That’s a good lad.  I’ll get James to drive you home tomorrow.”

“I can drive myself if you don’t mind?”  His father nodded and waved him off.  Phillip hated the driver, his name was Erroll, but his father called him James.  Erroll was every bit as pretentious as his parents.  Phillip went upstairs to his room and sat on his bad.  He knew that his paintings of Rae were beneath his bed and it left a warm glow in the pit of his stomach. 

None of his artworks were on display.  His father didn’t approve of his love of the arts, but his mother did, so Phillip got away with all the classes he did, but he wasn’t allowed to show any of the outcomes of these classes.  He’d stopped asking them to come to his performances, and he kept all his art under his bed carefully packaged for when he got a place of his own.  He had saved tens of thousands of pounds from his overly generous allowance and as soon as his education was finished, he was headed to London to find an acting job.  He intended to study acting at university.  His father would hit the roof; probably threaten to cut him off just like he had Kelsey.  Phil had learned not to care; to not be frightened of people with tempers.  That brought his mind to Finn and he mulled everything over for a while.  He kicked off his shoes and laid back on his bed.  He knew that Rae and her friends would all be in the limo by now, driving to wherever they were going.  She’d probably end up at Finn’s house, and they’d probably have sex. 

He thought back to first time he’d really noticed Rae; singing on that stage.  He’d seen her before, shared a laugh with her, but that was when he knew he had feelings for her.  It had been quite unexpected.  Until that moment he had been following his father’s life plan for him without question; he’d even dated the girls his father told him to date.  Sometimes he wished he’d realised how perfect Rae was sooner and gotten in before Finn, and sometimes he wished he’d never met her.  He just wanted to love someone that could love him back.  He had tried to not love Rae, and when Chloe had shown obvious interest in him during tennis lessons, he’d tried to feel the interest in return, and to a certain degree he did.  But it was a purely physical thing with Chloe.  With Rae, it was physical, mental, emotional; she was the one. 

Six weeks in London would do him well.  He had a lot of friends in London, most of them from before the wealth had destroyed his family.  Phillip intended to get up to no good these holidays; it’d do him good to be less tightly-wound for a while. 

 

***

 

And out of the darkness there came a sudden tiny speck of light.

He felt like he had been drowning for all of the time he could remember. 

How much time could he remember? 

Eons.

Just a millisecond.

Time turned in on itself, an eternity was a minute.  A second was infinite. 

Roiling, bubbling utter stillness.  The darkness encroached all around. 

Darkness that went on for all of the known universe; forever.

Darkness that was no thicker than a whisker; a whisper could break it down.

Darkness that went no further than he could see.  As far as his eye could see.

Darkness within and without. 

Darkness pouring into his mouth and spewing out of his soul. 

A pinprick. 

A miniscule entity of hope. 

A single star in a blackened night. 

It grew, and he felt the warmth from it. 

Crackling, sinuous whispers in the darkness. 

Leaves mouldering to nothingness.  That dank smell of shame.

Always.  Had always been there.

How long was always?

It had never been. 

He had never existed other than in this exact moment. 

Not before. Not after.  Only now.

But always he felt the eyes on him; peering from the darkness.

Or was it the darkness itself looking, watching, waiting?

One false move boy and the darkness swallows you…

A light!

He could almost smell it.

Smell the small hole in the darkness. 

Taste what lay in the light.

Beyond the light. 

In the tear in his world.

What world?  There was no world.

Only a void of darkness. 

The weight of the empty black surrounding him crashed down on him, even as he reached towards the ever widening gape of light. 

The light bulged in towards him, tempting him even as the dark pressed into his lungs.

Penetrated him like a lover.

A lover that hated him.

He wanted to scream, but his throat was clogged up with something. 

He seemed to only recall just now ever having had a throat.

What was a throat?

What was in his throat?

I CAN’T BREATHE!  The darkness reverberated through his ears.

The sudden panic of this swept through him and he tried to scream; the darkness threatening to pull him back down. 

The light spread its tendrils towards him while the blackness wrapped tentacles around his waist.

He felt his lungs struggle, his throat blocked.

And then sounds.

Sounds.

What was this?

He heard things as if he had never heard before.

The sounds came from the tear in the fabric of his world.  The place that was streaming light down on him while he sat blinking and cowering, shading his eyes from the brightness.

Eyes?

Eyes?

Why would he have eyes when he had always lived in darkness?

That noise!

What is that noise?

Bip.

Bip.

Bip.

It was speeding up. 

Was something coming closer?

What was coming for him?

NO! no no nononononono.

Why wouldn’t his throat work?

The darkness seemed to be falling away from him.

The light was engulfing him in a painful bright cacophony of new experiences.

Feelings, thoughts, sensations.

What’s that in the back of my hand?

Hand?

_I have hands!_

_I’d forgotten._

Thoughts…

Sensations.

Sounds.

A cool breath of a breeze on his skin.

_WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY FUCKING THROAT!_

Thoughts….

_I have thoughts.  That are my own… not things that the darkness puts inside me…_

The darkness threatening him again, but the smell of… the smell of what? Assaulted him. 

Bleach. 

He tried to scream again.  He couldn’t break free and there were too many sensations.  Too much was happening.

He panicked and the bipping noise sped up again.  Something was coming for him; something had followed him out of the darkness, it would devour him and he’d never escape!

Liam opened his eyes.

And immediately he retched weakly.

His throat.

His throat was blocked. 

His hands automatically shot up to his mouth and he felt a tube taped into his mouth.

His fingertips scrabbled with the tape, panic and retching taking him. 

And then he managed to reef the feeding tube from his throat with a loud retch.

He dropped it and gasped, the nausea slowly ebbing. 

The bip of the machine grew steady again. 

He felt weak, his eyes hurt from the light and he looked around the empty room.

There was no one. 

Just him.

Alone.

As expected.


	2. Chapter 2 - And the Dust Settles (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 of season 4 (part 1)  
> WARNING: the smut in the ‘Erotica by Madonna’ and ‘Hard on for Love by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds’ scenes is not for everyone; if you’re offended, confronted or shocked by certain sexual things, you might wanna skim read or skip those scenes (but I hope you don’t, cos they’re kinda fun scenes). These two scenes are set at a live sex show and Rae and Finn see things and even do things that are a little risqué to say the least. I didn’t set out to offend or upset or disturb anyone when I wrote these scenes (in fact I ended up editing it to reign it in a bit), I just wanted to continue the sexual exploration between Rae and Finn, and this was a good way for them to start setting an upper limit on how far they were willing to go; so please accept my apologies if you don’t like the scenes (but I hope you do, and I know some of you will) and try to understand their purpose; exploration, fun, and understanding / finding one’s own limits.

 

_ ‘Late in the day’ by Supergrass _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8HJRVpUHQI&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8HJRVpUHQI&feature=kp)

 

_Dear Diary_

_I’ve started to really realise how much Finn and I are alike.  And also how far we’ve really come._

_Last night after we made love (in our formal clothes – now that was fucking sexy!) we talked for hours._

_He started by telling me that he thinks I’m better than him.  I tried to tell him otherwise, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get through to him on that, and to be honest it’s so nice that he thinks so highly of me.  I don’t deserve it.  I told him that I think he’s better than me and then we got into this cute argument about who’s better, using examples and stuff.  It were kinda nice and we ended up kissing for ages._

_Then he started talking about things that he liked in other people.  Things that he aspired to be.  He said that perhaps he even envied these things a little, but in a good way.  Things like;_

_Chop’s ability to accept things so easily most of the time._

_Archie’s intelligence and creativity._

_Izzy’s kindness._

_Chloe’s new found honesty._

_Rhys’s calm self-assuredness._

_Tom’s passion and wit._

_My mum’s determination._

_Karim’s ability to love selflessly and fearlessly._

_Janice’s compassion._

_His dad’s loyalty._

_And then it came to me._

_And he liked everything about me.  I like it when he says things like that._

_And then he said that his enviousness was a good thing – made him try to be a better man.  But that he had some jealousy too, that it was bad, that it made him be a bad man._

_I knew he had some jealousy issues.  I’m not blind and we have talked about it a little bit.  But he talked about it last night like it’s much worse than I thought it were._

_Then he told me that he’d only ever really been jealous of two people._

_Liam.  Cos I kept saying he got me. And Finn worried that he could never get me like Liam could.  Diary, he’s actually jealous that Liam is mental!  Cos he thinks that gives Liam insight into me; that it created a bond between us._

_And the other person is Phil._

_Phillip.  If you can believe it diary… Finn thought Phillip was better than him._

_I can hardly believe it.  Why would he even think that for a second?_

_He told me that he thought Phil was better suited to me, cos he were smarter and he always had the answers for everything.  He told me that Phil can make me laugh and give me books and is passionate about the same things I’m passionate about.  There was so much more but I can’t remember it all._

_Oh Diary, it were like some strange slowly, calmly erupting volcano; all these buried feelings came out of him.  He didn’t cry, he didn’t show any emotion really, he just told me in this strange monotone.  It were like he couldn’t let himself feel anything cos he wouldn’t get it all out if he did._

_He asked me to forgive him._

_I can’t believe that._

_I told him about how I’d been jealous of Chlo all me life.  And how in the end the things I were jealous of were the things that made her life shit._

_And then I reminded him of all the things that made him better than Liam and especially Phillip._

_I told him that he was pretty mental too.  He laughed at that.  I don’t think there’s gonna be any problem with the Liam jealousy again, I think he can see how daft it is to be jealous of Liam!_

_But Phillip could be a problem… I’m not sure that he can see how daft it is to be jealous of him yet._

_I did remind Finn of how he put my hands on his chest when I had the panic attack.  I told him that I don’t think Phillip would have thought to do that… I told him that I honestly think Phil would have panicked and not known what to do._

_I reminded him that no one makes me laugh like he does.  No one gets the weirder bits of my sense of humour like he does, and we got all these little personal jokes that I just couldn’t have with anyone else.  They wouldn’t get it._

_I reminded him of music and how passionate he is about it and no matter how many books Phil gave me, I’d always prefer music.  I took the mixed tape he just done for me out of the machine and held it up to him as a reminder.  Cos there were songs on that I’d never heard before that were perfect for me, and songs that I’d never told him how much I loved them; he just knew.  And I told him that.  I told him that a mixed tape will always be better than a book to me.  Cos it will._

_And I told him that Phil is me mate, that’s why he seems suited to me, cos he’s suited to being a mate.  I told him that no one could make me happy like he could.  I told him that there was no other man for me._

_And then I made love to him.  And I think he felt reassured by the things I’d told him cos he told me that he knew we were gonna make it, but I know I still got work to do to make him realise just how superior he is to every other person on the planet – including Phil._

_Diary I need to tell you all of this cos I need to remind myself of it.  Sometimes I forget that Finn has doubts about himself and I don’t think I’m a very good girlfriend when I forget them.  So I need to remind myself every day to help him with his stuff.  Like he helps me with my stuff every day._

_I’m so glad that we talk so honestly together now.  I know that we can get through anything when we talk it through like this.  When Finn said he knew we were gonna make it – I knew it too.  I really feel that there’s nothing that can come between us.  It’s so nice to feel so secure.  But I need for Finn to feel it too._

_So I need to tell Finn every day that he’s my forever; no matter what qualities other lads have (especially Phil).  No matter what he thinks about himself.  No matter how many fights we have.  There’s nothing on this planet that can make me leave him._

_If I tell him this every day, just like he tells me all the good things he loves about me every day, I know he’ll start to believe it.  Cos I’m starting to believe all the stuff he says about me.  Even when he’s not around to remind me._

 

 

Rae put the pen down and closed her diary, leaving it on the bedside table and scooted back down in the bed and laid next to Finn, looking at his face.  She could hear Gary moving around downstairs and the smell of bacon was wafting through the house.  Predictably, the smell was making Finn stir; his stomach grumbled loudly and Rae tried not to laugh at him.  She stroked his hair softly and Finn opened his eyes slowly.  He raised his hand to stroke her hair.

“Good morning Mr Earl.”  Finn smiled sleepily in response.  “Your dad’s cooking lunch.  I think he’s doing bacon sandwiches again.”  Rae had once said that she missed bacon sandwiches since her house had gone mostly pork free.  Since then Gary had made her bacon sandwiches at least twice a week. 

“He doesn’t understand your sandwich preferences.”  Finn said in an apologetic tone.  He propped himself up on one elbow and looked at the bedside clock behind her: 1:03pm.  They’d been up until 6:30am talking and making love. 

“Aye but he’s decent enough to let us sleep.”  She returned with a cheeky grin and Finn laid back on the bed with a grunt of agreement and stared at the ceiling thinking over what had happened at the Summer Ball and after. 

“Sorry about last night.”  He turned his eyes to her, “I think I just let it build up for too long cos there was so much other stuff going on… it just didn’t seem as important as the other stuff so I didn’t say anything.  I’m sorry about that.”  He turned his eyes to her, “You’d think I’d ‘o learned by now that us not talking never leads to anything good!”  He sighed, “It just really didn’t seem as important.”  He tried to explain. 

“Everything about you is important to me, you daft fool.”  Rae rarely wrote on Finn; he wasn’t as good at reading it as she was.

_You are my forever_

She wrote slowly across his stomach and watched his face as he concentrated on her touch.  When she’d finished he pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her head.  Rae let her fingers slowly travel along his chest and rested her head so that she could hear his heartbeat. 

“D’you want me to stop talking to Phillip?”  She asked lightly and he thought for a moment.

“Part o’ me says yes.  But that’s the worst part o’ me.”  He stared at the ceiling, “I wanna be better than that.”  He stroked her hair softly, “I yelled at you this week.  And I was a right proper prick about Phillip.”  Rae looked up at him.

“There’s been a lot o’ pressure on both of us this past 6 months.”  Rae traced words on his chest slowly.

_You’re perfect._

“I think we’ve both done really well to not go totally mad.”  She said honestly and Finn considered this.

“Aye I s’pose so.”  His voice was light but thoughtful and Rae liked it when he sounded like this; he wasn’t miserable about what had happened, he was really thinking about it all.  This was a better frame of mind for him.  “But I wanna do better.” 

“I don’t think anyone could o’ done better.”  Rae sat up and straddled him and he grunted.

“Oh me bladder’s full.”  He complained and she laughed before putting on her best serious face.

“You listen to me Finlay.”  She looked him in the eye, “I don’t think I’m an easy person to love.”

“Yes y’are.”  He countered instantly. 

“Alright… I meant I don’t think I’m easy an easy person to be in a relationship with,” She saw him open his mouth and covered it with her hand, “I’m not trying to put myself down.  I’m just trying to say that this year has been really hard.  And sometimes I accidentally add to how hard things are… And you’ve done much better than you think.  And I wouldn’t change anything, cos I got you.”  She took her hand off his mouth and he grinned up at her, “everything’s worth it cos I got you.”  She leaned down and kissed his lips and he groaned, partly with desire and partly from his protesting bladder.  “So I’ll stop talking to Phillip, I’d rather not have this between us anymore.”  She said, her face inches from his, “Alright?”

“No.”  He sighed, “I’d rather not have that between us.”  He stroked her hair, “if you do that it means the worst parts of me won.  I’d rather try and be a better man.”  He kissed her gently, “But can I still be a prick to him?”

“You can do whatever you want.” 

“Alright, well I gotta pee.”  She got off him and watched him stretch and pad out to the bathroom still completely naked.  She supposed his dad had seen it all before.  Rae lay back in the bed and stared at the ceiling for a while.  He returned and plopped into the bed beside her.

“Oh hey, we’re outta toilet paper.”  He told her and put his wet hand on her face.  She looked at him unimpressed and he laughed, snuggling back into the bed with her; his father’s lunch could wait. 

“Chloe said Kula Shaker were playing somewhere nearby tomorrow.  Wanna go?”

“We could just hang around together instead?”  Rae nodded in response while Finn stroked her thighs affectionately, his fingers gently running over her scars; he knew the feel of them intimately and could say how many cut scars she had even though he’d never consciously counted them. 

“I wanna get ‘OK Computer.’”

“Got it.”  Finn said and rolled out of bed to put it on for her. 

“When’d you pick that up?”  She watched his naked body moving around and sighed contently to herself. 

“It’s Archie’s.”  He pressed play on the machine and Radiohead gently wafted through the room. 

“D’you wanna go to the V Festival thing?”

“It’s a fucking good line up.”  Finn nestled himself beside her again. 

“I bet Chop can get us tickets.”  Rae stroked his hair, “And we could time our trip to London with it, go to the Chelmsford one.”

“Aye that’s a good idea.” 

“I’ll have a little word to Chop then.”  They lay in comfortable silence for a while, enjoying the music and the feel of holding each other.  Finn looked at the lines on Rae’s palms closely, always fascinated with every little part of her. 

“Do you think there’ something in that palm reading stuff?”  Finn asked and ran his finger along the longest line in her palm.  Rae scrunched her nose up and looked at her other palm.

“I dunno.”  She answered, “Probably not.”  She looked at his unreadable face and knew he was thinking on something, “What do you think?”

“I dunno.  You’re probably right.”  He looked down and she waited for him to continue, “I had me palm read once.”  Finn said and Rae gave him a surprised look, “I mostly remember it cos there was this woman there with me parents who got right pissed off about it.”  Finn screwed up his face in concentration, “I can’t rightly remember.”  He mumbled, “But we was at this fete or something, and I wanted it done cos I liked the crystal ball and scarves and stuff the lady had.  And I thought that cos she were a Gypsy lady she were naturally psychic.”

“Naturally.”  They shared a grin. 

“So me Uncle Steve… he’s the one in Leeds, me dad’s brother… He paid for it.” 

“Oh yeah, what’d she say?”

“I don’t remember most of it.  Stuff about dangers and stuff… she did mention me temper!”  Finn suddenly laughed, “Go’ I remember thinking ‘what’s a temper?’ cos I’d heard me mum tell dad to keep his in line.”  Finn shook his head, “and she said stuff about difficulty with me love life… and that I had to watch myself cos I might lose me way.  I remember that cos I got right scared of getting lost after that.”

“You took it literally huh?”  Rae asked with an amused grin. 

“Aye!”  Finn laughed.  “But I do remember her saying that I only got one great love.”  Finn smiled at Rae and she gave him a grin back despite herself.

“I bet she says that to everyone.  Gives ‘em hope that the decisions they’ve made in their love life are right.”

“Even 9 year olds huh?”  Finn asked cheekily and she shook her head to denote she was ignoring his cheekiness, “and then I think… I think her name was Elke… no… no it was Anka… fucking hell…”  Finn thought for a while, “I haven’t thought about her in ages…”  Finn marvelled and Rae watched his face light up with memories, “She were right pissed off.  Said the woman was stealing her heritage and selling it like a whore or something.”  Rae opened her mouth in shock.

“She said whore in front o’ you?”

“Yeah me mum were pretty angry about it!”  Finn laughed, “Fuck I haven’t thought about that in forever.”  He looked down at her palm and traced his fingers along the lines.

“D’you wanna get another reading?”

“Nah.”  He answered flippantly.  His stomach growled angrily and Rae looked down at his abs and sighed happily, enjoying his body.  He saw the look she was giving and allowed himself to feel as desirable as the look on her face made him out to be. 

“Right, I s’pose we better get dressed and get some food.”  She sulked. 

“Don’t look so glum.”  Finn chuckled.

“It’s the getting dressed bit I don’t like.”  She mumbled and Finn smiled, his entire body alight with happiness.  Not that long ago she wouldn’t get undressed in front of him, now she hated getting dressed.

“Me too.”  He kissed her and his stomach made itself known again, this time Rae’s joined in.  “Alright, alright!”  He laughed and got out of bed, holding a hand out to Rae.  He admired her body as she stood up and wandered over to her drawers.

“I need to get some more clothes from home.”  She sorted through the small selection of clothing she had at Finn’s house unsatisfied.

“Alright we’ll head over after lunch.”

“Alright.  And then we got Izzy’s welcome home party tonight!”  Rae said excitedly and Finn nodded, glad Dan had agreed to give him the night off work.  He’d asked for the 6 weeks of the holidays off work, and Dan had asked him to pre-record the shows so they had something to play while he was off enjoying his holiday.  It meant he’d be getting paid for having the next 6 weeks off work and had had to spend a Saturday two weeks ago locked up in the station with Rae recording hours of shows to be played while he was gone. 

“Chop wants it to be a blinder.”  Finn told her.

“Well we better fuck beforehand then.”  She answered with a straight face that made Finn grin saucily.

“Aye.”  He answered, “It’s just the gang right?  The original six?”

“Yep.  But I think in future we should invite Tom to these things.  And Rhys if he and Chloe get serious.  And Danny.”

“Yeah I think so too.” 

“Danny won’t come to most o’ them on account of his parents.”  Rae mused and decide to change skirts. 

“Do you think they’re being over protective?”  Finn pulled his favourite pair of jeans on and pushed the pockets in, noticing a small hole in one of the pockets.  He sighed internally and made a mental note to buy a new pair of jeans as he searched for a belt amongst the clothes on the floor.

“No.”  Rae answered, “Danny’s still a little fragile, you know?”  Finn nodded and picked up his belt while Rae smelled her bra and decided it was still clean enough and put it on.  She turned to look at Finn and stared at his arse lovingly.  “You arse is spectacular.”  She whimpered and he grinned without turning around.

“Give it a little whack.”  He said thinking on what Rhys had said last night.  He knew he’d probably have to encourage Rae a lot to do it but he wanted to see what it felt like.  “Show it a little appreciation Rae.”  He looked over his shoulder at her. 

“You got jeans on.”

“So do it hard.”

“Alright.”  Finn raised his eyebrows, surprised at how easy that had been, she walked over and smacked his arse hard and he felt a strange tingling sensation in his balls.  She smacked his other cheek and the same sensation rippled from his arse through his pelvis to his balls.

“Gotta keep it even.”  She grinned and Finn turned his face to her with an oddly relieved look.

“What?”  She asked confused.

“Nothing.”  He kissed her, “Now I know what you like about it, is all.”  He told her and put a shirt on.  She shrugged and put a shirt on, heading out the door before Finn who was shaking his head; Rhys had been right, it was kind of nice to get a whack on the arse.  His stomach grumbled again and Finn followed Rae down to lunch. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Banks of the Ohio’ by Olivia Newton John _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JmCEK-KsV4>

 

Rae turned off the car and watched her mother chatting animatedly to Alice their neighbour to the right, and heard ‘The Song’ playing loudly, the country twang emanating from the windows.  Finn saw the way her brow furrowed.  Alice was one of her mother’s best friends, Rae owed her middle names to Alice.  And to ‘The Song’ by Olivia Newton John that was playing. 

“Oh fuck.”  Rae sighed slowly. 

“What?”  Finn asked.

“Whenever me mum plays this song it means she’s decided to clean the entire house from top to bottom.”  Rae groaned as her mother turned to them.

“Oh right.”  He answered unconcerned.  His father went through those moods too, but it never impacted him all that much.

“Rachel Alice Olivia Earl!”  Linda yelled as she saw them, “I told you that we’d be doing this, this weekend, why are you so late home?”  Finn and Rae watched the red creep into her mum’s cheeks.

“She pissed off.”  Rae said slowly.

“Alice…. Olivia…?”  Finn asked with a grin.

“Don’t let her see you grin!”

“Finn McCay Nelson!”  She yelled and the grin dropped from his face, “You get in here!  The pipes under the kitchen sink need cleaning!”

“I forgot she were doing this today.”  Rae said apologetically, “I wouldn’t have come home…”

“Where’s Karim?”

“He’ll be in the garden.”  Rae was glad the garden was no longer her job to fix during these cleaning fits of her mother’s.  Finn was about to ask where Aiesha was but saw Alice take a few baby items from Linda; Alice was clearly taking care of her in her home.  Alice gave Rae a cheery wave and headed inside.  Linda stood glaring at them and Rae turned her head to Finn.

“And don’t ever mention my middle names again.”  She said firmly to Finn who gave her an innocent look.  She sighed and got out of the car, Finn following suit.

“Why are you so late?”  Linda asked irately.

“Big night last night mum.  Summer ball, and all...”  Rae reminded her and Linda tutted. 

“Well lunch break is over, get inside and work.”  Linda marched inside and Rae and Finn shared a despairing look before heading in. 

Linda had already almost finished the upstairs half of the house and Rae was infinitely thankful for that.  Finn took a seat at the kitchen table as Linda started to list off jobs Rae had to do.  Linda then headed upstairs to finish re-organising the airing cupboard in the landing.  Finn chuckled as Rae started to dutifully pull things out of cupboards.

“Get a move on Finn!”  Rae urged him and he looked confused.

“You what?”  Finn was surprised; Linda never actually let him help out with anything, he was a guest in this house, she made that constantly clear. 

“She won’t let us leave till all the work’s done.  And I gotta make me own room and ensuite sparkle with cleanliness as well as do the whole kitchen!” 

“She meant it when she said the pipes need cleaning?”  Finn asked with a confused look on his face.

“No she meant the obvious sexual innuendo that comes with that.”  Finn gave her a look and pulled off his shirt before settling on the floor to look at the pipes under the sink.  “If she sees you not working, she’ll give you more jobs.”  Rae told him.

“Finn!”  They heard and Finn banged his head sitting up, swearing to himself he rubbed his forehead.

“Yeah?”  He called back.

“You can wash all the outside windows as well.”  She called back.  Finn looked at Rae with an ever-increasing shocked look on his face.

“Is she fucking serious?”  He asked her but Rae just grinned.

“At least she thinks you’re part o’ the family now.”  Rae told him before turning back to the pantry.  Finn looked at her back for a moment as she worked and smiled to himself.  He nodded and looked back up at the pipes; Karim had left the tools needed for cleaning them out on the floor beside the cupboard, so he simply started immediately on his jobs, a determined and happy grin on his face. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Tequila’ by A.L.T. _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAy7f4nVdbk>

 

Izzy put her beautiful ‘welcome home’ gifts down on the bedside table and grinned at the sounds of her friends laughing around the Foosball table.  She returned just in time to see Chop getting excited;

“D’you guys wanna see the renovations I done?”  Chop asked and showed them through to the spare room.  There was a sheet hanging from a wire across the room, on the other side of the sheet there were shelves that Chop had been putting up, but no one could see that because the sheet was closed.  Chop was standing behind them all in the hallway, not able to see into the room.  They all looked back at him, unimpressed, Izzy trying not to grin too broadly. 

“Since when is putting a sheet up a renovation?”  Rae asked and looked from Chop back to the sheet. 

“It divides the room between my stuff and Izzy’s stuff, so my shit don’t get in her way while she sewing.”  Chop said earnestly, still not realising that they couldn’t know he’d put a lot of shelving up too, nor realising that they didn’t know he intended to put a dividing set of folding doors where the sheet was either. 

“Oh right.”  Archie answered. 

“There’s more renovations in unpacking an Ikea flat pack than this!”  Chloe laughed and Chop turned a frustrated face to her.

“Oi!”  He complained, “I been working right hard on this!”  Izzy covered her mouth, holding in giggles. 

“On what part of it?”  Rae asked.

“I can see the hard work.”  Archie said, “That’s some fine work you did hammering that nail in up there.” 

“Fuck the lot o’ you.”  Chop said grumpily.  But Izzy pushed them into the room better so that Chop could come in just in time to see Izzy open up the sheet; everyone making noises of understanding.

“Now that’s a fine bit o’ carpentry.”  Archie said as he looked at the shelving.  Finn went to the shelves and looked closer, impressed with the work. 

“Oh now you’re impressed?”  Chop asked with an unimpressed glare, “What the fuck was wrong with me sheet?”  They all laughed.

“Well the shelving’s a bit harder than an Ikea flat pack, don’t you think Chlo?”  Rae asked.

“I dunno Swedish ingenuity… they could just be Ikea shelves.”  Chop shot Chloe a glare.

“You know my first celebrity crush was the Swedish chef from The Muppets.”  Izzy declared happily and was greeted with a moment of silence before everyone burst out laughing at her.  “What?”  She asked them with a genuinely confused look.

“Chop mate, you got a while to go to match that luscious moustache.”  Finn said as he took Chop’s face in his hand and made an exaggerated kissing face at him which Chop returned. 

“Oh fuck man, me upper lip’s naked!”  He touched his top lip as if covering it.

“Oh shut up!”  Izzy laughed.

“Why would you have a crush on the Swedish chef?”  Chloe laughed.

“Why wouldn’t you?”  Izzy asked honestly, “alright… yes… hairy.”  She acknowledged, “But he’s so funny!”

“Well at least you know when you’re a hairy old man Chop, she’ll still love you.”  Archie said.

“No back waxes for you!”  Chloe added.

“What is it… back, crack and sack?”  Rae said and Chloe and Izzy broke out in giggles, Archie chortled, knowing what they meant because Tom got his done. 

“The fuck?”  Chop asked and the girls kept giggling.

“Does that mean..?”  Finn asked, “Back, arse crack and ball sack?”  Rae nodded.  “Waxing ‘em all?” 

“D’you girls get waxed at Rosie’s?”  Archie asked and Chloe nodded.  Archie turned to Chop and Finn, “She does a good back, crack and sack for twenty quid.” 

“How do you know that?”  Chop asked horrified. 

“Tom does not like to be hairy.”  Archie answered and Chop made a face of pain.

“Oh fuck no!”  He cupped his balls through his pants while the girls laughed and Archie grinned.  Finn furrowed his brows and tried to imagine what that would be like.  He shook his head and turned to Rae.

“What do you get waxed?”  He asked her and she laughed.

“You think me legs and pits are naturally hairless?”  She asked, “and that me lady bits are that neat without a helping hand?”  Chop looked at Izzy with a questioning look.

“Yes Chop before the chemo I got waxed too.”  She told him and he pulled a face.

“Fuck men are clueless.”  Chloe said in disbelief. 

“No!”  Chop said, “It’s just wouldn’t that fucking hurt?”

“Yes Chop it hurts!”  Chloe said, “But back to the Swedish chef…”

“Chloe!”  Izzy moaned.  “You guys can’t tell me that you didn’t get Muppet crushes!” 

“I didn’t watch it enough to form serious romantic attachments.”  Finn said with a straight face.

“Yeah me neither.”  Chop agreed, opting out of the conversation gracefully.

“Animal for me.”  Rae grinned and Izzy made a happy sound.

“See it’s not just me.”

“Oh yeah I liked the girl from his band!”  Chop piped in.

“I thought you didn’t watch it enough to form crushes?”  Izzy asked him incredulously.

“I didn’t really... but I remember her!”  They laughed.

“She got nice lips right?”  Rae asked and the boys laughs took on a slightly dirty undertone.

“Yeah, very nice lips.”  Chop chuckled. 

“What about you Archer?”  Izzy asked.

“I think I probably liked Kermit a bit too much.”  He laughed and turned his eyes to Chloe.

“Miss Piggy.”  She said to everyone’s surprised delight.  “I loved her so much!”

“Got a little bit of it in you, do you Chlo?”  Archie asked and Chloe blushed.

“Maybe a little!”  She agreed and Rae dropped her jaw.

“Are you coming out Chlo?”  She asked with surprise.

“I’m not saying I’m a lesbian… but if Miss Piggy were available…”  They all laughed.  “Definitely not a lesbian after last night, practically can’t fucking walk.”  Chloe said and the girls’ eyes turned to her excitedly; gossip was to be had.

“Oh yeah, did Rhys give you a bit of a rough tumble then?”  Chop asked cheekily.

“Nah he nice and gentle like I wanted.  He’s just hung like a fucking stallion.”

“Jesus!”  Finn laughed uncomfortably.

“I don’t think I fucking needed to know that.”  Chop shook his head and headed out to the kitchen, laughing awkwardly.  “Who wants some jelly totsies?”  He called back to them and they all followed him to the kitchen.  Jelly totsies was the gang’s name for vodka jelly shots.  They had started to call them these to throw off their parents from knowing what they were up to.  Izzy had done 60 jelly totsies, in several flavours, all of them in plastic shot glasses, and she was taking half of them out of the fridge now. 

“Oh Izzy, you’ve outdone yourself.”  Rae said as she looked at the rainbow of jelly vodka shots.  Meanwhile Chop was taking bottles and bottles of spirits out of the cupboard.  Chloe grabbed the bag of limes and lemons from the fridge she’d noticed and started to cut wedges as Chop lined up some glass shot glasses and poured out some tequila.  Rae went searching for salt while Archie started to take jelly totsies and booze out to the lounge room.

“Sake bombs!”  Finn said as he grabbed the cold beer and some sake and took it out to the kitchen.

“Need more shot glasses.”  Rae said and Chop nodded at the right cupboard.  Slowly the gang moved all the alcohol into the lounge room, Finn put on music and they went back into the kitchen to have the first shot of the evening; the tequila Chop had poured for them.  They headed to the lounge room and Finn started to make the sake bombs, filling up six glasses of beer then filling six shot glasses full of sake.  Everyone took a beer and their shot of sake.

“Ready?”  Finn asked and they all nodded.  They each dropped the shot glass into the beer and chugged the resulting sake bomb as quickly as they could.  Rae put hers down first, the smaller shot glass clanging against the inside of the beer glass when she did.  Next they started on the jelly totsies.

“Fuck these are strong!”  Archie laughed.

“I didn’t use as much water as we usually do.”  Izzy explained, “They still hardened up though.” 

“Ah Izzy’s good at hardening things up!”  Chloe laughed.

“Oh yeah with her tiny little hands.”  Chop grinned and she gave him a dirty look.

“You shouldn’t laugh at me tiny little hands; they wank your cock well enough!”  She told him and Chop laughed merrily. 

“Oh Chop!  Stay in you place lad!”  Rae laughed and handed him a jelly totsie.  They each downed their red jelly totsies and chased it with a tequila shot.

“Sake bomb!”  Finn cried merrily again, his eyes threatening to water from the lime, salt and tequila.  He set up the sake bombs and they downed them messily. 

“Although Chop you must o’ had blue balls after the hospital.”  Chloe said.

“Fuck Chop what about me?”  Izzy laughed. 

“You know blue balls isn’t a thing right?”  Archie asked Chloe and the girls all turned their eyes to him.

“You what?”  She asked.

“Let Uncle Archie tell you a thing.”

“Stop calling yourself uncle Archie!”  Rae laughed but Archie ignored her and continued.

“Guys don’t get pain from their hard-ons going down.”  He imparted sagely.

“Yeah I get random hard-ons all fucking day.”  Chop shrugged.  Rae turned her eyes to Finn.

“Blue balls isn’t a thing.”   She said thinking about the joke he had told back in Sutherland. 

“Aye that’s different.”  Finn told her, his voice slurring slightly. “If you’re hard for fucking hours and hours and hours then shit fucking hurts a bit.”

“Yeah that’s different.”  Archie said, “But that never happens.”  Archie told Rae, “Who the hell stays hard for hours if they’re not gonna get any?”  Finn raised his hand.

“Me.”  He gave Rae a lusty look.

“Well if Rae can keep you hard for hours without giving it up she’s doing her job well!”  Chloe laughed.  Izzy looked over at Rae with admiration.  Rae blushed and laughed shaking her head.

“Fucking liar!”  She said to Finn and he shook his head innocently handing her another jelly totsie.

“You have no idea what you did to me girl.”  The gang all sucked down their orange jelly vodka shots and Archie made a loud noise.

“Right, getting a bit up there.”  He declared, his head swimming nicely.  Chop poured them all tequilas and they threw them back, hardly noticing the turpentine quality of the spirit. 

“Sake bomb!”  Finn laughed and started to make another six sake bombs.

“What you doing with uni Archer?”  Chloe asked him and took her beer and sake shot.

“I’m gonna defer uni for a year.”  He answered, “I already rung the university when I got accepted and asked their policies about it.  Tom and I are gonna travel for a few months and then I’m gonna get a job for the rest o’ the year.”

“Travel where?”  Rae asked interested; she herself wanted to travel some, if she could overcome her anxiety.

“Egypt!”  He teased.  There were many places he and Tom were planning to go, but he knew this destination would get to Rae the most. 

“You fucking bastard!”  She laughed, “I so wanna go there!”  She threw a cushion at Archie and he threw it back, Finn batting it away from Rae so it landed harmlessly on the floor. 

“You always take her side!”  Archie noted and Finn nodded. 

“You and Tom are getting serious?”  Izzy asked with interest.  Out of the gang she was the one who knew Tom the least, having been in hospital over the past few months. 

“Yes indeedy.”  Archie said. 

“Yes indeedy?”  Rae asked him with an unimpressed look and he shrugged. 

“I’m sorry Archie… but weren’t we all worried that he were a bit violent?”  She asked honestly, the alcohol loosening her tongue.

“Oh he’s very violent!”  Archie laughed, “Perfectly so.”  Izzy gave him a quizzical look. 

“Stop it Archie!”  Chloe laughed, “I can’t get used to the idea of you being a sadomasochist.”  She shook her head in mock distress.

“I caned the shit out o’ him yesterday!”  Archie teased Chloe and laughed at her mock horror.

“Literally?”  Rae asked with a look of almost disgust.

“No, not fucking literally!”  Archie laughed.  “You guys are fucking heathens!”  They all made loud noises of disagreement, Chop throwing an empty beer can at him. 

“See I know it’s serious cos you using his language.”  Finn said and looked over at Rae.  “I swear more cos o’ her.”  He nodded at Rae.

“Oh Aye he’s got a fucking dirty mouth!”  Rae said saucily and Finn kissed her and held up his beer and sake shot. 

“Are we ready ladies and gentlemen?”  Everyone prepared their sake bombs and skulled the alcohol fast. 

“Fuck!”  Rae said, feeling the alcohol hit her as she handed out the green jelly totsies.  “Speaking of fuck…?”  She turned to Chloe who grinned broadly.

“Shut up!”  She rolled her eyes. 

“Oi!  Our man Rhys is getting some!”  Chop cried loudly.

“Our lass Chloe’s getting some!”  Rae added just as loudly.  Chloe laughed and tried not to blush. 

“Hung like a horse!”  Izzy called loudly and Chloe and Rae laughed loudly, Archie chuckling at Chop and Finn looking slightly less impressed than the girls. 

“He’s got the biggest cock I’ve ever seen!”  Chloe laughed and Rae and Izzy leaned in to hear more, Archie noticing Chop’s brow furrow and Finn’s tongue go to his back teeth.  Archie started to laugh in earnest, the three girls looked over at him and he nodded at Finn and Chop. 

“What?”  Chop asked.

“Size worries?”  Archie laughed.

“No!”  Chop shot at him, “I just don’t wanna hear about Rhys’s dick!”

“Yeah he’s me mate.”  Finn frowned. 

“Alright.”  Chloe laughed, “Later girls.”  She grinned at Rae and Izzy who both nodded their heads smuttily. 

“You going out?”  Finn asked curiously, keen for the matter between him and Chloe to be over once and for all. 

“Not yet.”  Chloe shrugged, but she wanted to talk to the girls about this, not the boys so she changed the subject.  “Alright, who was your first non-Muppet celebrity crush Izzy?”  Izzy concentrated for a moment trying to think back to the first boy she’d liked on tv.

“Howard Stableford from ‘Tomorrow’s World.’”  Izzy said dreamily and Rae and Chloe laughed.  Chop and Finn pulled a face at each other and looked to Archie.

“Don’t ask me for guidance on male attractiveness!”  He told them jokingly. 

“You got weird fucking taste Izzy.”  Rae laughed. 

“No I don’t!”  She said defensively, “His little curls were so cute!” 

“If you say so.”  Rae answered and Izzy glared at her, trying not to laugh.

“And first non-celebrity crush?”  Chloe asked Izzy.

“Chop.”  She grinned at him.

“Living the dream baby girl!”  Chop grinned in return. 

“Your turn!”  Izzy shot at Chop and he opened his mouth, but unsure of what to say he snapped it shut.

“You can’t expect me to answer.”  Chop said.  Finn turned his worried eyes to Rae, but she was looking at Chop, laughing along. 

“Why not?” 

“Cos there’s only you.”  Chop said carefully.

“Bollocks!”  Chloe laughed.  “Answer her question!”  The three girls set up a drunken chorus of ‘answer’ and Chop cringed.

“Alright!”  He said loudly, “Um… Sigourney Weaver and…”  He grimaced and looked at Izzy, “Elizabeth.”  He said apologetically, her face fell and her mouth opened in surprise.

“Me aunt?”  Chop nodded slowly to Izzy’s question. 

“Oh is that the one with the big boobs?”  Finn asked.

“Fuck yes.”  Chop answered with a lusty grin and Izzy slapped his arm.

“O’ course you’d notice the boobs!” Rae laughed and Finn tried to look innocent.

“It’s just that Chop used to talk about her, I never seen her…” He turned back to Chop, “Have I?”  He asked clearly uncertain as to the truth of his claim.  Chop laughed.

“Yeah she comes to the shop, I fixed her car when we was doing up yours and I pointed her out, remember.”

“Oh, she got the same red hair as Iz?”  Chop nodded, “And a little shit of a kid?”  Chop nodded again, “Aye she did have nice-” Finn looked over at Rae but she was still grinning.  “Sake bomb!”  He said and started to set up the drinks again.

“She’s like, what, 47 now?”  Izzy was aghast, “I can’t believe you, you disgusting boys.”

“Well a good set o’ tits is a good set o’ tits Izzy!”  Chloe laughed and Izzy turned her eyes to Chloe.

“You got the best set though.”  Chop said and placed his head against her chest.  Izzy flicked his nose but hugged him until Finn handed out the drinks. 

“Sake bomb!”  He said and they chugged the alcohol. 

“I’m gonna regret this tomorrow aren’t I?”  Archie asked as he watched Chop pouring out more tequila shots.

“Let tomorrow you worry about it.”  Rae answered.  “Your turn Archer!”

“Ah it’s more complicated for me.”  Archie said.

“Aye all the girls you pretended you like.”  Finn laughed, “But your first crush was Daniel, you remember him?”  Archie’s face broke out into a genuine smile.

“Oh god I’d forgotten him!”  He laughed, “I was gonna say Barney!”

“From the sexy party?”  Rae asked and Archie nodded. 

“I could’ve sworn he were gay but he’s got a girlfriend.”  Archie told them. 

“No he’s bisexual.”  Izzy said and when they all turned their eyes to look at her she sighed, “Barney’s sister Annie told her boyfriend Mark, who told his mates John, Alex and Simon, Simon dates a girl in me ballet class called Angela.”

“She tell you?”  Chloe asked.

“No Angela told her best friend Marie, who told her boyfriend Kieran.”

“Who works with me.” Chop said.

“Oh Chop!”  Chloe laughed, “Bringing home the gossip!”  Archie furrowed his brows; the way gossip went around about a person’s sexuality was unsettling.

“Hardly confirmation.”  Rae countered seeing Archie’s expression, “and it’s not our business unless he tells us.”  She added. 

“I only cared cos he kissed Archer.”  Chop said.  “I were playing matchmaker.”  He grinned.  Izzy handed out some purple jelly totsies and they all sucked them down.  “But now you got Tom so fuck that.” 

“Celebrity crush!”  Chloe ordered him to answer and he thought for a moment.

“Johnny Depp.”

“Me too!”  Chloe answered.  “And Jeremy Irons.”

“In ‘Brideshead Revisited?’”  Archie asked and she nodded, both of them sighing contently.  “Non-celebrity but?”  Archie asked and Chloe shrugged.

“I dunno.”  She thought for a while.  “Do you remember Ricky?”  Chloe turned to Rae.  Finn watched as recognition washed through Rae,

“Oh god yes!”  She laughed, “Oh he was so good looking!”  Rae said tragically.  “Do you remember when we saw him at the swimming pool?”  Rae asked excitedly and Chloe groaned.

“Oh god he were fit.”  She said, “I kept trying to talk to him, but I was always-”

“Stunned into silence by his beauty!”  Rae finished the sentence with her.  They laughed and Finn grinned at the way the girls reminisced together. 

“So he’s your non-celebrity then?”  Chloe asked Rae.

“Oh god yes!”  Rae exclaimed, “And David Bowie.”  Rae answered instantly to Chloe’s unasked question, “I remember being about 11 or 12 when I looked at him and felt a queer little tingle in me nether regions!”  The girls laughed uproariously while the boys chuckled; the fact that girls were just as sexual as boys was still a new concept to them. 

“Oh god I had so many o’ those!”  Chloe agreed and Izzy nodded with a shy but devilish grin.  “Alright Finlay, last but not least.”  Finn’s eyes went to the corner of the room while he thought about it. 

“I’ll have to go Joan Jett.”  Finn answered but Chop scoffed.

“What about Samantha Fox.”

“Oh god yeah, those knockers!”  Finn agreed.  “I forgot about her.”

“How could you forget about the boobs Finlay?”  Rae laughed and Finn shook his head.

“I think hers were the first set of breasts I ever saw.”  Finn said honestly. 

“Jamie Lee Curtis in ‘Trading Places.’”  Archie reminded him and Finn laughed.

“Nah I saw Sam Fox before hers.”  The girls exchanged a look.

“Fucking, Linda Lovelace.”  Chop sighed happily.  Rae saw Finn give a particularly satisfied grin to Chop’s suggestion.

“I were a bit older when I first saw her!”  Finn laughed.  Archie saw the way the girls were looking and laughed. 

“Who’s Linda Lovelace?”  Izzy asked, having heard of all the other women but not her.

“Don’t worry.”  Chop answered and started handing out yellow jelly totsies. 

“Porn star from a movie called ‘deep throat.’”  Finn gave Rae a cheeky grin and she understood that satisfied grin now; he’d done something from one the movies he’d seen with Chop.  Chop threw a cushion at Finn and he caught it shrugging at the dirty sneer Chop gave him.

“Boys are so disgusting!”  Izzy shook her head.

“I dunno pornos aren’t that bad.”  Rae said and Izzy and Chloe looked at her with surprise.  Chop gave Finn a surprised look and Finn shrugged with a happy grin.  Archie shook his head.

“Fucking heteros.”  He joked. 

“I mean they got a shit idea about what women want from sex, but they’re still pretty sexy.”  She told Chloe and Izzy.  Chloe went to open her mouth to speak.

“Wait!”  Archie said, “Susie Porter right?”  He said to Finn and Finn nodded.

“Yeah she’d be me first non-celebrity crush.”  He grinned. 

“D’you ever get it off with her?”  Archie asked and Finn gave a quick look Rae’s way before shrugging.

“We had a bit of a kiss, but we was too young to be getting it off Archer!”  He laughed. 

“I think we girls have got a lot to talk about!”  Izzy said suddenly, “Pornos and hung men and…” She thought about the fact that she’d finally get to report about losing her o-plates and grinned, “All sorts o’ things.”  She finished with a sly grin and Chop furrowed his brow, knowing that he was going to be mentioned in some way. 

“So you lads can piss off and play Foosball!”  Chloe told them and Chop reached for the tequila, “No leave the tequila!”  Finn picked up the beer.

“Leave the sake bombs!”  Rae laughed.

“You’re not touching my fucking jelly totsies!”  Izzy told them. 

“Don’t worry lads, I got some Jägermeister in the kitchen.”

“Ooo, you can bring that through to us too!”  Izzy said.

“Lucky I got two fucking bottles!”  Chop shook his head.

“And we got the other half of the jelly totsies!”  Archie added.

“Plenty o’ beer.”  Finn continued.

“We got rum, vodka, whisky, bourbon…” Chop was listing them off on his fingers as he went through the door to the kitchen, Finn and Archie stumbling after him. 

 

 

__

__

_ ‘Your Mama Won’t Like Me’ by Suzi Quatro _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMZEy-2iztE&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMZEy-2iztE&feature=kp)

 

Izzy handed out blue jelly totsies and the girls sucked them down happily while Chloe took over tequila duties and Rae made sake bombs for them all.  Finn wandered back in with the second bottle of Jägermeister and three shot glasses for them and kissed Rae drunkenly before heading back to the boys. 

“So I think we need to start with Izzy!”  Rae turned to look expectantly to Izzy.

“Moved in with Chop!”  Chloe agreed.

“I’m more interested in the o-plates!”  Rae countered, “Focus Chloe!”

“Sake bomb ladies!”  Izzy said and they chugged their sake bombs.  Izzy came and sat on the lounge next to Rae and gave her a big hug.  Chloe sat on the other side of Rae and they linked arms and downed a shot of tequila. 

“Thanks for having Finn talk to Chop.”  Izzy said with a huge grin.

“The way I understand it, Chop spoke to Finn.”  Rae answered and Izzy’s jaw dropped.

“Really?”  She beamed, “It means he noticed!”  She said excitedly, “And he wanted to fix it.”  She bit her bottom lip, her fingers playing with the engagement ring, “I love that man so much.” 

“So was it good?”  Chloe asked with a sly grin.

“Well you heard her!”  Rae laughed and Izzy blushed.

“I thought you guys might have heard!” 

“We heard everything.”  Chloe said.

“In startling detail.”  Rae laughed and Chloe nodded as Izzy started to giggle and covered her mouth.

“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it!”  She whispered with a huge grin. 

“Yeah!”  Chloe laughed, “That’s where it’s at.”

“I had no idea it would be so good.”  Izzy said with a slightly shocked face, “and now he can do it every time.”  She smiled shyly and lowered her voice. 

“With the right preparation!”  They heard Finn cry out from the other room and gave each other a look and laughed.  Izzy looked at Chloe and then Rae

“Last night… last night were something else though…” She bit her bottom lip and blushed, hesitating to speak.

“What did he slip it in your arse?”  Chloe laughed. 

“No!”  Izzy said with a shocked face and Rae and Chloe laughed.  “Have you both done that?”  She asked with a stunned face.

“Yeah.”  Chloe said with a shrug, “boys like it.”

“Nope.”  Rae said, “But…” Rae shook her head, “maybe?”  She said with a scrunched up face that indicated that she was leaning more towards not doing it. 

“Maybe I should do it then?”  Izzy asked with a worried face.

“Don’t get ahead o’ yourself!”  Chloe scoffed, “What happened last night?”  Izzy bit her bottom lip again.

“We were a little rough for the first time.”  She whispered to them.  Rae turned her eyes to Chloe and could see her desperately trying to keep a straight face.  Rae felt the grin on her own face and forced herself to form a straight face before turning back to Izzy.

“How rough?”  Chloe asked at the same time as Rae spoke.

“What’s… what’s rough to you?”  Rae asked.  Izzy looked from Rae to Chloe and saw their mirth.

“Alright you two!”  She said, “I know you’re both more experienced than me, but it were a big deal for me!”  She sulked slightly and Chloe started to chuckle, Rae grinned.

“How rough?”  Chloe repeated.

“Yeah you can’t say that and not give us details!”  Rae laughed.

“He may have ripped my dress right off me.”  Izzy bit her bottom lip again, “it was so sexy!”  She gushed, “And I rode him like he was a bucking bronco!”  They all broke out into giggles.  “And then he fucked me like a fucking jack hammer!”  She declared proudly, “I felt so powerful and sexy.”  Izzy said, “Also kinda dirty… but in a good way.”  She shook her head, “I never felt anything like it.”  She hoped the girls would understand, “I just really wanted to fuck!” 

“I know that feeling.”  Rae told her reassuringly.

“Same.”  Chloe sighed lustily.  Izzy giggled happily.

“I don’t think he knew what to do with me at first.”  Izzy said.

“Probably just couldn’t believe his luck.”  Chloe said and Rae nodded.

“I know Finn goes through these moments where he can’t believe what a dirty pervert I am and he tells me how thankful he is for it.”  Rae said as Chloe nodded sagely.

“Boys expect girls to be all pure and innocent, so a lot o’ girls get stuck like that and never do anything else.”  Chloe said with a slurring voice, “and then boys get bored of it – but it’s their fault for wanting virgins.”

“Or girls that always act like virgins.”  Izzy suddenly said, “You know, the whole sweet and innocent thing.”  She picked up more jelly totsies and handed them out, “And they call us sluts if we fuck the way they wish we would.” 

“It’s so fucked up.”  Chloe agreed.  “Fuck the way they want us to fuck… I wanna fuck the way I wanna fuck!” 

“Here’s to that!”  Rae cried cheerily and the girls sucked down their jelly totsies, hearing the boys laughing loudly in the other room.

“Wonder if he’s telling them that he ripped me summer ball dress off?”  Izzy stared at the door.

“Does it bother you?”  Rae sniffed the Jägermeister and poured out three shots for them.  Izzy thought about it for a moment.

“No.”  She said resolutely.  “I hope he does.”  She threw back the shot of Jägermeister and looked back at the door, “And I hope he gets some real dirty ideas from Finn.” 

“Ooooo!”  Chloe and Rae chorused happily.

“He’s probably telling them.”  Rae said and Chloe nodded.

“But fuck waiting for him to get dirty ideas from Finn!”  Chloe said her eyes turning to Rae.  “We got Miss ‘keeps-him-hard-for-hours’ right here!”

“I really don’t think I do anything for that to happen.”  Rae said in a strangely sage mood, “I think that just him.”

“But if Finn’s thankful you’re a dirty pervert…?”  Izzy sat forward on the lounge beside Rae and turned to her, “You gotta tell me everything Rae.”  Izzy said demandingly, “I wanna know how to fuck properly… you know my survival chances are only 40%?”  She looked at Rae imploringly, “I gotta enjoy me life before then!”  Izzy said commandingly, “and since I don’t get me period no more, I got plenty o’ time to get to it!  So dish up the dirt girls!”

“40%?”  Chloe asked tragically, the booze making her emotions see-saw spectacularly.  Tears sprang to her eyes, “No Izzy… you can’t die!”  Izzy looked from Chloe to Rae, both of them looking heartbroken.

“Guys!”  She moaned, “Focus!”  She bounced a little in frustration, “I need to know this stuff now!” 

“Did you fuck her arse?”  They heard Chop say loudly with obvious excitement and the three girls shared a look before bursting out into laughter. 

“Oh god!”  Izzy laughed, “He’s so excited about the idea!” 

“Well he’s gonna be disappointed cos Rae don’t go that way.”  Chloe shrugged. 

“I wonder what they’re talking about?”  Izzy said, “why would they be talking about doing that when neither of them have done it?”

“Cos both of ‘em want to!”  Chloe answered with a shrug.

“He’s probably telling Chop we fucked while watching an anal porno.”  Rae deduced, knowing Finn well enough to guess.

“Holy crap!”  Izzy laughed, “I need to know all this stuff.”  She grinned, “Tell me more.”

“What do you wanna know?”  Rae asked. 

“What d’you do to get Finn off?”  Izzy asked sincerely and then turned to Chloe, “And what d’you do to get Rhys off?”  Chloe lowered her eyes and grinned happily. 

“Well Rhys was more focussed on getting me off.” 

“Oh aye what did he do?”  Rae asked.

“Let me take the lead.”  Chloe said with a genuine smile, “He didn’t once try to take the power from me.”  She said with a surprise she still deeply felt.  “Not once.”

“He’s a good guy.”  Rae said honestly.  She didn’t think she could like Rhys any more, but the smile on her best friend’s face had proven that wrong. 

“Why aren’t you dating?”  Izzy asked.

“Cos I don’t want to Iz.” Chloe answered slightly defensively.  Rae tried to stop herself from furrowing her brow in confusion.  “I spent months trying to get over what those bastards did to me.”  Chloe raised her chin, “now that I’m starting to get back to normal… I wanna break some boys’ hearts.”  Rae started to chuckle and Izzy joined in.  “I don’t wanna break Rhys’s heart… But I do wanna keep him on the back burner till I’m more ready for him.” 

“But does he know that?”  Rae asked.

“And will he do it?”  Izzy joined in.

“I dunno.”  Chloe answered worried.  “But I’ve never met anyone like him, so he might be ok with it!” 

“Boys o’ Stamford look out!”  Rae laughed, “Chloe is back in the house.”  Chloe laughed.

“It’s so nice Rae!”  She said, “to not be afraid of me own body… to not hate it.”  She sighed, “I mean I still have days when…”  She lowered her eyes, “but it’s getting better all the time.”

“So when you was in charge,” Izzy asked curiously, “What did you do to him?”

“Nothing dirty at all.”  Chloe said with an apologetic look, “I was just enjoying the feel of cock again.”  She bit her bottom lip and grinned slyly, “and what a cock!”  She laughed saucily, Izzy and Rae joining in. 

“And reap the fucking benefits!”  They heard Chop say loudly and gave each other a look. 

“What the fucking fuck are those fuckers planning?”  Chloe asked with a wry grin.  Rae shrugged.

“They might not be planning anything?”  Izzy shrugged like Rae.

“Oh yeah, then what benefits are they reaping?”  Chloe asked and then considered it for a moment and shrugged too.  “Eh.  Who cares?”  She laughed.

“So nothing much happened with Rhys then?”  Izzy asked, trying to hide her disappointment.

“He went down, then he got his cock half in and I kinda panicked so he stopped.”

“He stopped?”  Rae asked amazed, “And he had his cock in you?”  Chloe nodded.

“Bloody hell.”  Izzy said with wide eyes, “I always thought it was kinda impossible for ‘em to stop once they got it in you.”  Chloe shook her head.

“I mean it looked like it was hard.”  Chloe said, “He clearly wanted to keep going... wanted me…”  Chloe added happily.  “But he stopped!”  She gave that a minute to sink in then continued, “So I felt safe enough to climb on top of him and ride him.”  Chloe closed her eyes and thought of the feel of him inside of her.  How different it had been to everything she had previously experienced.  “I came so many times.”  She said with a small groan, “He was amazing.  Calm and patient and he followed my lead.  And when it was obvious I was ready for it, he started to thrust into me passionately and just…”  She sighed happily, “so… expertly?”  She asked herself and then nodded, “expertly.”  She repeated, “Like he knew exactly how to do what I wanted.  He’s just an expert at reading me cues.  It were amazing.”  She leaned forward and poured more tequila, “We fucked four times.”  Rae recognised that satisfied look; she felt it herself.  “And I decided to be on top every time.”  Chloe finished before downing the shot. 

“Wow.”  Izzy said, “How d’you get him hard again?”

“We had a bit o’ time between each time.”  Chloe said, “just kept kissing and touching each other, showered, things like that.”  Chloe turned her eyes to Rae before looking back to Izzy, “Doesn’t Chop get hard again?”

“Sometimes.”  Izzy answered, “But I wanna be able to make it happen.” 

“Just swallow.”  Rae said with a dirty grin. 

“Really?”  Izzy pulled a face. 

“Guaranteed to get Finn going.”  Rae said, “When you’re fucking have him pull out and cum in your mouth and swallow it.”  Rae shrugged, “it’s so stupid,” she laughed, “but it always turns him on so much that he has to go again.”  She shook her head, “I don’t get it… it’s just a bit o’ cum.”

“I dunno know if I could swallow it.”  Izzy pulled a face. 

“Give it a go.”  Chloe suggested and Izzy nodded slowly.

“What d’you do to please Finn, Rae?”

“Oral sex.”  She said honestly.  “Finn loves deep throat.”

“That’s why he gave you that satisfied look!”  Chloe laughed.

“Just don’t eat before you do it though.”  Rae warned. 

“What about you Izzy?”  Chloe asked, “What are you gonna make Chop do to please you?”

“I figure if I start doing stuff to him, he’ll do it to me.”  She told them her plan.  “What else Rae?”

“Tie him up and make him beg for your cunt.”  She said with a devilish grin that made the girls break out into laughter.  “And get him to tie you up.”  Rae thought about the things they’d done, “Sex in public.”  She started to list things, “take photos of it.  Get him to spank you…”

“Spank?”  Izzy asked loudly, “Like a naughty child?”

“Well I order him to do it sometimes!”  Rae laughed.

“It’s so weird!”  Izzy said delightedly.  “I can’t imagine it.”

“It’s probably better you don’t Iz!”  Rae laughed, “You don’t need that image in your head!”  She started to make another sake bomb and Chloe poured them more tequila. 

“There’s so much stuff I haven’t done!”  Izzy marvelled.

“Me too, don’t worry!”  Rae said and Chloe nodded.

“I’ve never been spanked!”  Chloe laughed, “What the fuck Rae?”  They started to giggle.

“I dunno!”  Rae answered honestly her words slurring and her head spinning deliciously, “I just love it, I don’t care!  I love it!”  They laughed and downed their sake bombs, spilling a lot of beer over themselves and slamming the glasses down almost in unison. 

“Oh fuck I’m drunk.”  Rae mumbled and Izzy burped loudly. 

“Yep.”  Chloe agreed.  Rae staggered to her feet.

“If I get some water for us… we won’t get hung over.”  She stumbled towards the kitchen and Izzy laid her head on Chloe’s lap, Chloe stroked her short hair clumsily and they grinned at each other.  Rae got to the kitchen door and put her hand on it, steadying herself, not wanting the boys to see how drunk she was. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’ by The Dead Kennedys _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TWLxCIgwE>

 

The boys were getting messy, rowdy and the foosball machine hadn’t been touched.  They’d pushed it up against the wall and pooled the beanbags in together with as much booze as they thought they’d need.  Since they didn’t have the sake they were using the Jägermeister in its place and calling it a Jäger bomb. 

“Jäger bomb you fuckers!”  Archie said and they all dropped the shot of Jägermeister into their beers and skulled it.  Finn lit up a cigarette and handed it to Chop before lighting himself another. 

“D’you know Archer,” Chop said, “the next time I see that Simmy cunt, I’m gonna slam him.”  Chop said, “I don’t care where we are.”  Finn nodded thoughtfully in agreement.

“Alright, but I wanna do it myself.”  Archie shrugged uncoordinatedly. 

“Why is cunt an insult?”  Finn asked slowly.  The boys turned their eyes to him. 

“Why is cunt an insult?”  Archie asked and blinked at him slowly.

“I quite like Rae’s cunt.”  Finn tried to explain his thought process and Archie nodded slowly as if he understood.  Chop stared into the distance. 

“Cos you smash cunts don’t you?”  Chop answered and Finn looked at him and thought about it.

“Alright.”  He agreed with a dirty grin, sure that he was missing his own point but too drunk to really care. 

“Unless you’re Archie.”  Chop continued and furrowed his brows as if this was a particularly taxing issue.  They downed another Jäger bomb. 

“But arsehole is also an insult.”  Finn revealed philosophically. 

“Hey yeah!”  Chop said with a happy grin and Archie laughed. 

“You guys are fucking wasted!”  Archie said and grabbed a jelly totsie. 

“Hey thanks for the advice, you splendid cunt.”  Chop said to Finn and he nodded, not entirely sure he knew what Chop meant, but thinking that maybe he might possibly know. 

“What advice?”  Archie asked licking the jelly totsie shot glass.  Finn spilled some beer as he set up the next round of Jäger bombs and looked up at Chop to explain.  But Chop had already forgotten what he was talking about.

“Did you lads get on last night?”  Chop asked them.  He pointed at Finn and Finn grinned and nodded.

“Made love twice.”  Finn answered happily.

“Made love.  Grow a set!”  Chop laughed and pointed to Archie.

“Also made love.”  Archie continued to lick the shot glass trying to get the last bit of jelly off the bottom of the glass with his tongue.  Finn picked up a jelly totsie and sucked it out of the plastic shot glass. 

“You two fuckers are useless.”  Chop declared loudly.

“Oh right?”  Finn asked loudly.

“Yeah I was getting the fucking job done last night.”  Chop bragged, “tore her fucking dress off!”  Archie and Finn cheered him loudly. 

“Yeah!”  Finn laughed and took another jelly totsie. 

“That’s a shame!”  Archie threw the plastic shot glass at Chop, hitting him on the forehead, “That were a nice dress.”

“Are you fucking serious?”  Chop asked him.

“You’re worrying about a fucking dress?”  Finn asked at the same time. 

“Maybe if you guys were ripping each other’s clothes off I’d be more interested!”  Archie shot back at them and started another Jäger bomb.  Finn and Chop laughed.

“Yeah fair call.”  Finn started to help with the drinks.

“’Ere, d’you reckon were’ good looking lads Archer?”  Chop asked suddenly.  Archie laughed, embarrassed and slowly nodded his heads.

“Yeah.”  He answered.

“That’s good to know that is.”  Chop said to Finn sagely and Finn nodded.

“You got good taste in men.”  Finn told Archie.

“So Izzy’s dress.”  Archie changed the topic back with an awkward laugh as Chop leaned back in the bean bag and reminisced.

“Tore it right off her fucking body.”  He grinned, “You was right Finn.  I can Fuck Iz like that.”

“With the right preparation!”  Finn remembered loudly.  He and Chop clinked glasses before downing their Jäger bombs.

“I just feel like there’s a whole world of exploration out there for me now.”  Chop burped loudly and Archie laughed cynically. 

“Oi shut up just cos you’re the fucking kink expert!”  Finn threw a plastic shot glass at him and Archie caught it and pegged it back hard. 

“No but really lads!”  Chop ignored them, “I reckon I could get her to do almost anything, you know.”  He nodded his head happily, “You was so right Finn; girls are dirty fuckers!”  He cheered and they clinked glasses again.

“Speaking of.”  Finn said, “I gotta get some pornos off you.”  He said and Chop nodded.

“Yeah no worries!”

“What Rae not doing it for you anymore?”  Archie joked, knowing that there was no way this was true.

“Here’s to that!”  Finn heard Rae cry merrily from the other room and grinned happily, then gave them both a really focused look, making them both listen carefully to him as if what he had to say was the most important thing in the world. 

“She asked for ‘em.”  He said slowly, and Chop laughed loudly. 

“She’s fucking wild!”  Chop cheered and Archie joined in when he saw Finn giggling in response.  Eventually they calmed down and Chop shook his head in disbelief.

“But seriously you fucker…?”  Chop asked him

“Rae… asked for them.”  He said nodding sagely.

“Holy fucking fuck.”  Chop breathed.  “How did that happen?”

“As you chaps know, we watched porn together.”  Finn spoke as if he was imparting wisdom to them.  Archie looked up at the ceiling and laughed.  “What?”  Finn shot him a dirty look.

“The club me and Tom went to last week had guys fucking on the bar where you got your drinks.”

“On the fucking bar?”  Chop asked incredulously. 

“Yep.”  Archie laughed. 

“Caw, I wouldn’t mind seeing a live sex show, just like that.”  Chop said in awe.

“No I don’t think you’d like two blokes fucking in front o’ you.”  Archie laughed. 

“So you know how good it is to watch porn together!”  Finn asserted and Archie nodded.

“Yeah I s’pose it were porn.” 

“Live porn.”  Chop marvelled.  “Which pornos Finlay?”  Chop turned to Finn with a scholarly look.

“‘Penelope.’”

“Oh sweet little Penelope.”  Chop chortled.  “Good choice.  I reckon I can get Iz to watch that.”

“Yeah probably.”  Archie agreed, having been made to watch these pornos with the lads numerous times. 

“And!”  Finn said excitedly, “get a fucking drum roll for this…”  He grabbed another jelly totsie and sucked it down.

“Hurry up!”  Chop said impatiently while Finn milked it for all it was worth.

“‘Anal auditions.’” 

“Get the fuck out!”  Chop said, “Are you joking?”

“I’m not joking!”  Finn laughed and Archie shook his head.

“I thought Rae didn’t like anal.”  Archie asked softly. 

“Aye she don’t.”  Finn answered, “she took two of ‘em when I was throwing ‘em out, didn’t know which two.”

“And she watched the whole thing?”  Chop asked.

“Aye… I fucked her watching it.”  Finn grinned triumphantly. 

“Did you fuck her arse?”  Chop asked loudly.

“Sh!”  Finn laughed and Archie started to giggle at how excited they got over anal sex. 

“Not yet.”  Finn answered.

“Not yet?”  Archie slurred, “If she not into it…?”  Finn gave a devilish grin and turned to Chop.

“Chop mate… she liked the pornos so much she asked for more… And she wants rough pornos.”  And Chop and Archie both instantly realised; the rougher the porno, the more anal there was. 

“How rough?”  Chop asked with an amazed grin.

“She said: ‘as rough as they come.’”

“Are you sure you want your girl to see that stuff?”  Chop asked with a furrowed brow.  “Like gangbangs and threesomes with 2 guys and stuff.  Might get ideas…”

“That’s kinda the fucking point Chop.”  Finn threw a shot glass at him and he batted it away.

“Yeah but the wrong ideas.”  He answered.  “Obviously taking it up the arse; good idea.  Fucking twenty guys at the same time; bad idea.”  Finn furrowed his brows and tried to think through his drunken haze.

“Huh.”  He pondered.

“You guys are so obsessed with anal.”  Archie laughed. 

“God fucking damnit Archer, just cos you can do it whenever you like, don’t rub it in!”  Chop answered, “I’d love for Izzy to take it up the arse; she’s got such a sweet arse.  Have you seen it?  Bloody hell…”  He mused happily to himself, Finn and Archie chuckling happily, “But I know she’ll never do it.”  He looked at Finn, “if this fucker thinks he can get Rae to do it, it’s our duty as men to help him!” 

“No arguments!”  Archie laughed in disbelief at Chop and looked down at the Jäger bombs they’d made and not drunk, “Jäger bomb!”  He told them and they all downed the drinks. 

“Wait.”  Chop slurred with narrowed eyes, “does wanting anal sex make us gay?”  He asked philosophically and Finn considered this while Archie laughed deliriously at how stupid his two best mates could be. 

“I don’t think so…”  Finn answered slowly.

“No!”  Archie answered still laughing.  “Liking men makes you gay.  Fucking arses or getting fucked in the arse does not.”  They all took another jelly totsie, “Tom’s got a mate who gets fucked up the arse by his wife wearing a strap on.  He’s not gay, he just loves anal.”  Chop nodded with complete acceptance but Finn continued to mull it over. 

“I wonder what it feels like.”  Finn asked.  “I mean…” He narrowed his eyes, “If I’m gonna try and get Rae to do it…?”  Chop pointed at Archie and they looked at him expectantly. 

“We’re not talking about this.”  Archie groaned. 

“No but… is it as bad as Rae’s worried it’ll be?”  Finn asked, clearly concerned.

“No man, it’s good.”  Chop answered.  Archie and Finn turned their eyes to him with surprise, “Joe had to get his prostrate checked, right?  And he said the doctor put his finger up his arse to check it, right?  And he said he came like right there… didn’t even have a stiffy.”  Chop imparted his wisdom forcefully as if he was laying the law down. 

“Fucking hell.”  Finn said with a surprised look.  He turned his eyes back to Archie.

“Well I’ve never had that happen.”  Archie frowned.  “But it is good.”

“See?”  Chop told Finn and Finn nodded, satisfied with that. 

“So how’re you gonna convince her?”  Chop asked him and Finn grinned again.

“I dunno if I’m gonna try and convince.”  He said slowly, “Just more… expose her to ideas… and see if seeds get planted…”

“And reap the fucking benefits!”  Chop declared happily on the top of his lungs. 

“Too fucking right!”  Finn answered deliriously happy, “me girl’s a dirty pervert and I fucking love it.”

“I think mine might be a little bit too.”  Chop grinned, “She were like a fucking animal!”

“Oh I love that!”  Finn said, “I had Rae tied up and she couldn’t-”

“Ah!”  Chop grinned, “Tied up!”

“Aye and she couldn’t touch me – it were fucking wild the looks she were giving me!”

“Izzy sucked my cock like it were the first meal she’d had in a month.”

“Rae deep throats every fucking time and she swallows every time I cum in that fucking beautiful mouth…” 

“Izzy fucking practically tackled me on the bed!”  Chop started to make Jäger bombs, enjoying this game, even though he knew he’d lose out to Finn; Izzy had only just started doing this stuff.

“I got photos of me cock buried in Rae’s cunt!”  Chop opened his mouth in surprise.

“Get fucked!”  He laughed, “Oh fuck, I’m gonna do that!”  They turned their eyes to Archie.

“We considered picking up a lad to double team the other night, but decided it’d be nicer to go home, drop some special K and crack the whip.”  Archie answered in a matter of fact tone, “Don’t try playing this game with uncle Archie.” 

“Ok you win.”  Chop said with wide eyes.

“I reckon I could give you a run for it.”  Finn said honestly and Archie laughed.

“Probably.”  Archie agreed.  “Wanna give it a go?”

“Alright…”  Finn answered, not sure he’d get far; Archie had Tom as a lover after all.

“Spank?”  They heard Izzy say, “Like a naughty child?”  Finn raised his eyebrows and nodded towards the door. 

“Fucking child’s play!”  Archie laughed. 

“Alright!”  Finn laughed.

“Alright, I’m gonna have’ta spank Izzy.”  Chop grinned, “it’d be like transferring my desire through my hand to her arse.”  He explained slurring wildly.  Archie laughed.

“Yeah that’s what it is.”  Archie shook his head.  “It’s not that we’re all a little sadistic, at all.” 

“You’ve become quite the cynic Archer!”  Chop handed him a jelly totsie, “And I won’t have it!”

“Suck on your totsie Chop.”  Archie laughed. 

“Oh Jäger bombs.”  Finn felt his head swimming and looked down at the booze, if he didn’t slow down he’d pass out in a pool of his own vomit.

“Jäger bombs!”  Archie cried and they all downed the drink. 

“How d’you get Rae to do that stuff?”  Chop asked.  “Like why did it happen with Izzy last night and not other times?”

“It’s all mental with girls.”  Finn declared.  “Gotta get them in the right frame o’ mind.”  He burped and the room swam in front of his face.  “Then the world is your oyster.” 

 

 

Rae pushed on the kitchen door slowly but still felt too drunk to go in, so she paused again, now able to hear what the boys were saying.

“So…”  Chop slurred, “How do you get ‘em in the right frame o’ mind?”

“I don’t even fucking know!”  Finn laughed. 

“Better figure it out if you wanna fuck her up the arse!”  Chop said and Finn looked up at the ceiling.

“You’re right!”  He said and Rae pressed her ear up against the crack in the slightly open door, intrigued and appalled by their dirty talk. 

“Once you figure it out, tell me!”  Chop laughed dirtily and leaned back in his bean bag comfortably.  Archie licked another plastic shot glass and thought about it for a while.

“D’you want me to talk to her?”  He asked and Rae felt her jaw drop.  They were conspiring!

“Would you do that?”  Finn asked, “I mean if you weren’t drunk, would you?”

“I kinda already have.”

“Fucking really?”  Finn asked excitedly and Rae felt a tingle in her stomach, her head finally starting to slow down in its glorious spin. 

“Yeah she asked me about it.”  Archie said and picked up another jelly totsie.

“She wants it!”  Chop declared and Finn turned to him.

“Hold on.”  He said and turned back to Archie, his actions slow and exaggerated, clearly far drunker than Rae was.  “What did she ask?”

“What it felt like.”  Archie shrugged.

“Fucking proof!”  Chop said happily, “It’s gonna happen.” 

“Go’ I fucking hope so.”  Finn said dirtily and leaned back in the bean bag.  “I’d fucking love it!”  Rae heard the tone of excitement in his voice, something he’d kept in check when he talked to her about it.

“I’m not sure she did want it.”  Archie said.

“Don’t fucking rain on our fucking parade Archer!”  Chop said, “you get bum sex all the time, us straight blokes gotta fucking dream, right!” 

“No, I mean…”  Archie got Finn’s eye, “She were more worried you were gonna get bored of her.”  He tried to say as seriously as he could, feeling that this was really important, “Don’t go through with it if that’s the reason she’s doing it, mate.”  Archie told him.

“Who cares why she’s doing it, as long as she is!”  Chop answered.

“You don’t mean that!”  Archie answered and Chop considered for a moment.

“Alright yeah.”  He conceded.  They both looked at Finn and he sighed.

“Aye.”  He said, “I’d love to do it… so fucking much!”  They all shared a laugh, “But you know… she don’t wanna.  I’ll survive!”  Rae heard the disappointment in his voice.  An emotion he’d kept from her when they’d talked about it previously.  Her mind tried to piece it all together.  He tried to hide these feelings from her so she wouldn’t feel pressured.  This understanding flooded her body and she smiled dopily, loving him fiercely as she leaned on the door frame, hopelessly drunk. 

“Everyone’s got their limit.”  Finn continued, “It sucks that this is hers, but I respect it.” 

“Always respect your girl.”  Chop said seriously. 

“She got me wrapped around her fucking finger you know.”  Finn said, “And I don’t care one bit.”  He grinned.  “She can keep me there for the rest of me life, and I’ll be happy.” 

“Same.”  Chop answered with an understanding grin, “I’m completely at her mercy.”  They both turned to Archie and he shared their grin.

“I don’t think I could live without Tom.”  He said honestly, “he’s me whole world.  I’d do anything for him.”

“Oh aye, there’s that wrapped around the finger bit.”  Finn grinned and Archie chuckled.  Rae grinned and tried to move to go into the kitchen, but her feet refused to listen to her.

“Love is the most… profound… and fulfilling…. experience…” Archie fumbled over his words and shook his head groggily, “I never thought I’d be so… bound to another human being.”  He looked up at Finn.  “Remember that conversation we had… about you loving Rae forever?” 

“You get it now.”  He answered and Archie nodded. 

“I more than get it.”  He said, “I fucking live it, breathe it…”  Archie blinked, confused, “I don’t know how someone else so quickly became me whole world.” 

“Join the fucking club mate.”  Chop grinned.  “I couldn’t imagine me life without Izzy.”  He sighed happily, “She makes every day… perfect… somehow.”  He stared up at the ceiling, “Like I could have had the fucking shite-est day at work right… like some mug could o’ put fucking water in the oil pipes of a fucking customer’s Cadillac… and I’m right up the shit to fix it… but I come home… and she just has to smile at me…”

“And everything’s alright.”  Finn finished the sentence happily.  “You’re so lucky getting to live with her.”  Finn said wistfully.

“Quit school, come work with me, get a flat…”  Chop answered. 

“Nah I can’t.”  Finn said, “Rae need me at school.”

“But you hate school.”  Chop countered.

“Not so much anymore.”  He shrugged.

“Are you really gonna go to university?”  Chop asked, clearly concerned.

“I dunno.”  Finn answered honestly.  “I might.” 

“Well if you gotta go for her, then you gotta.”  Chop answered with understanding.

“I know.”  Finn said “but I might… I might end up going for me.”  Rae’s legs finally worked and she pushed through the door unexpectedly to everyone, especially herself, she stumbled forward and the three boys looked up at her as she staggered to the sink.

“Jug?”  She asked Chop in her best sober voice. 

“Juggs?”  He asked and Rae considered flashing her breasts in response and then saw Finn scrambling to get up, he was so drunk that getting upright was proving too difficult. 

“Jug.”  Rae replied, “For water.”

“Oh right.”  Chop answered with a grin as Finn finally found his feet and swayed.

“Have you got one?”

“Why the fuck would I have a jug?”  He asked her and she sighed.  She looked across the table top and saw an empty 2 litre bottle of coke yet to be deposited in the bin.  She grabbed it and slowly rinsed it out, focussing on every movement she made.  She started to fill it up just as Finn managed to stagger his way over to her.  He grinned at her and leaned in for a kiss, she gave him one messily, while Chop and Archie decided to move the party back in to the girls.  Finn put his arm around her waist and grabbed the bottle of water.  They started to walk back into the lounge room and crashed into the door frame, immediately bursting out laughing.

“You go that way.”  Finn pointed and Rae moved to the left so he could go through first, but he only ended up banging into the door frame again.  “Maybe we can just wait here for a bit…?”  He put his forehead on the door frame, his shoulder leaning on the door.  Rae put her hand on the door knob and turned it; they both stumbled into the longue, Archie and Chop stumbling after them with the alcohol.  Rae and Finn fell in a heap on the floor together, laughing, and almost instantly began kissing passionately, drunkenly rocking and clinging to each other, their hands uncoordinatedly moving over each other’s bodies.  Izzy sat up and rolled off the lounge to sit with Chop on the floor and Archie laid down with his head in Chloe’s lap, he grinned up at her and she stroked his hair with a happy smile. 

“So you’re going to Egypt?”  Chloe asked him.

“I’m so jealous!”  Izzy grinned.  Finn and Rae stopped kissing and reached for jelly totsies, everyone else grabbing one as well.

“Well cunts, it’s been a year since we all came together as a gang.”  Chop said, “I’m glad to have you all in me life!”  He grinned and raised his shot glass.

“Thank fuck that year’s over!”  Finn raised his shot glass.

“May the next one be even better.”  Rae raised her glass.

“No fucking pain, we’ve had enough of it!”  Archie raised his shot glass.

“Filled with new beginnings!”  Chloe added.

“A year of healing and adventure.”  Izzy grinned.

“And fun!”  Chop finished and they all clinked their plastic shot glasses and sucked down their jelly vodka shots. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Loaded’ by Primal Scream _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoeMhlkeeLE>

 

Finn’s head pounding was what made him open his eyes.  He immediately wished he hadn’t and closed them.

He felt his body aching, his throat sore, and remembered that they’d all ended up singing loudly to some shite music last night and then Chop had passed out… and… he couldn’t remember much after that… except for the delicious taste of Rae’s lips.  He smiled lazily.  They’d kissed so passionately that Finn could only think of it as using his mouth to fuck her mouth.  Izzy and Chloe and Archie had kept talking and drinking until Izzy had had to vomit, then she’d curled up next to Chop on the floor, Chloe had stumbled back and her and Archie had settled down on the longue together, and he’d started fingering Rae at about that time.  Things went strangely blank after that.  He remembered her mouth and her guttural groans of pleasure but… He tried moving and realised that his hand was still down her pants he almost started to chuckle but knew that would hurt too much so just enjoyed lying next to her.  And then he noticed that his middle finger was still inside of her.  He moved it slightly and she sighed in her sleep.  Finn opened his eyes, squinting at the room.  Chloe and Archie where nowhere to be seen, but he could smell cooking smells and hear someone moving around in the kitchen.  Izzy was pale and silent next to Chop, who was clearly starting to wake up.  Finn gently removed his finger and Rae woke up with an unimpressed groan.

“Too bright.”  She whimpered and put a hand up to her eyes.  Finn looked down at his middle finger wrinkled like a prune and smelled it, making an appreciative noise; smelling Rae’s vagina in the morning was a nice thing to wake up to.  Finn held up his finger to her and she slowly furrowed her brow, not understanding.  Finn watched with a growing grin as her memories of the evening came back and she chuckled softly. 

“Oh fuck.”  She said softly and cleared her throat while Finn smelled his finger again.  They heard Chop groaning and both looked over to him while he rubbed his head. 

“Have’ta finish that off later.”  Finn said to Rae with a cheeky grin and tasted his finger suggestively, Rae grinned seedily in response.  Finn sat up and groaned; his head was pounding.

“Fucking hell.”  Chop complained softly and Izzy stirred.  Archie came in with fruit smoothies from the store up the road. 

“Oh thank fuck.”  Rae answered when he handed her a mango and passionfruit smoothie. 

“Chloe’s cooking some breakfast.”  He sat down. 

“How come you’re so fucking chipper?”  Chop asked and Izzy opened her eyes slowly, painfully and whimpered as she put a hand to her head.

“The gay agenda has rebuilt me and made me stronger, resistant to your heterosexual alcohol.”  He grinned and handed some pills to Chop.  Chop didn’t question Archie, he simply put them in his mouth and swallowed them with his strawberry smoothie.  Archie handed out the pills to everyone and like Chop, they simply swallowed them silently.  Except Izzy who looked up with questioning eyes.

“Just ibuprofen.”  Archie answered, knowing that Izzy had to worry about her chemo drugs. 

“Thanks.”  She answered and swallowed the pills.  She felt sicker than the rest of them; the chemo drugs already knocking her system around.  Finn got up gingerly to go the bathroom and Rae followed slowly.  Chop and Izzy headed through to the ensuite to freshen up.

Archie put Chloe’s summer berry smoothie down and sucked slowly on his mango and banana smoothie, waiting for everyone to get back.   Chloe came in with a big plate of lightly salted fried potato and a huge pot of sweet ginger tea.

“Go get some mugs Archie.”  She told him and he jumped up and went to the kitchen as Chop returned, bringing some bean bags, Izzy trailing after him.  Chop reached over to the tv stand and opened the cupboards underneath.  He took out a bong and some pot and started to pack a cone.  Izzy looked over at him with questioning eyes as Archie returned with six mugs, Finn yawning and stretching as he came back in and claimed two spots on the lounge.  Rae meandered back in, still groggy and slunk in next to Finn, snuggling into his arms gratefully.  He kissed her gently and looked over at Chop with the bong.  Chop was looking at Izzy who was giving him a questioning look still. 

“You eat better when you’re high.”  He answered her, “and your nausea’s better too.”  She accepted this with a tiny shrug of her shoulders and sipped on her blueberry smoothie. 

“This is so good.”  She breathed.  “How d’you remember everyone’s smoothie choice Archer?”  She asked groggily. 

“Gay agenda.”  He grinned.

“Ok what’s with the gay agenda thing?”  Finn asked and took a long swig of his banana smoothie.  Archie turned his eyes to him.

“Glad you asked.”  He answered, “The corner-shop’s put up a sign in their window warning parents against the effects of the gay agenda on their pre-pubescent children.”  Archie grinned bitterly.

“Oh that’s right,” Rae answered, “gay people eat babies right?”  Archie laughed.

“And the elderly.”  He added. 

“Ugh.”  Izzy shook her head, “Well I won’t be going there again.”  She said with a disgusted look. 

“I’ve known Harold since I were a boy.”  Chop said sadly, “I can’t believe he’d let that shite go up in his window.”  Chop shook his head slowly, “He can’t know about it.”

“You’d be surprised Chop.”  Izzy answered, thinking about how hurt and surprised she was at her own father’s homophobia.  “Even people that seem perfectly reasonable and nice can turn out to be utter fuck-wads.”  She turned her eyes to Archie, “I’m sorry this shit happens Archie.”  Archie gave her a wan smile in reply. 

“Well I’m gonna let him know personally why we won’t be shopping there anymore.”  Chop said with a sad face.  He handed Izzy the bong and Chloe poured out the ginger tea.  Finn picked up a piece of potato and ate it tentatively, not sure how his stomach would cope.  But it sat well in his stomach and he devoured it ravenously. 

“Perfect breakfast Chlo.”  Rae said as she tried the potato. 

“Rhys told me that potato and milk are good things to have after a big night.”  She grinned, “as well as plenty o’ water and ginger tea.”  Izzy smoked the cone and offered the bong around, everyone pulling a cone in between eating and drinking tea.  Izzy dove into the food a few minutes later and everyone exchanged glances; Chop had been right. 

“I vote we watch movies all day.”  Izzy croaked in between mouthfuls of food. 

“Seconded.”  Archie raised his hand.

“Thirded,”  Rae raised her hand, “motion passed.” 

“What have you got to watch?”  Chloe asked Chop and he thought about it for a moment, his head slowly clearing as he ate and the drugs started working. 

“The entire series of ‘Monkey.’”  Chop said with the air of a man who knew he’d just impressed everyone in the room.

“Right, well I know how we’re spending today!”  Archie grinned.

“And tomorrow!”   Rae said as Chop got up to get the videos.

“Haven’t you got that thing tomorrow?”  Finn asked in a low anxious voice.

“No, it got postponed again.”  Rae had been trying to get an IUD fitted for the past few months.  But her previous gynaecologist had unexpectedly retired before the day surgery and since then the clinic had been postponing the appointment.  “I gotta see another doctor now.”  She said softly, “on the third day of me cycle.”  She continued in an even softer voice, “The clinic wants me to get a second opinion on whether I’ll need day surgery.”  She said shrugged, “can’t get in to see them till near the end o’ the holidays and that might not even sync up with me cycle.  It’s a fucking mess.”

“Right well I’m coming this time.”  He said, knowing that Janice wouldn’t be there to accompany her this time. 

“It’s boring girl stuff.”  Rae answered but saw the stubbornness already on his face and knew there was no point trying to argue before he’d even opened his mouth.

“Your stuff is my stuff, whether it’s boring girl stuff or no.”  He whispered back immutably.  He didn’t even know what the appointment was for exactly and he had no intention of pushing her to tell him; he just knew that she needed him, so he’d be there.

“Alright.”  She answered as Chop put in the first video.  She’d have to call her mother later on to let her know that she wouldn’t be coming home tonight either because they had a dinner date with Gary that night and intended to spend the night at Finn’s place so that they could have the following day, the first Monday of the holidays, together without parental interference. 

The opening sequence began and Archie started to quote along with the show.

“In the worlds before Monkey…” he said with a huge grin, Chop and Finn joining in, “primal chaos reigned.  Heaven sought order, but the phoenix can fly only when its feathers are grown.”  But neither Finn nor Archie knew it as well as Chop, though all three of them continued.  “The four worlds formed again and yet again, as endless aeons wheeled and passed.”  The girls all shared a grin; they all knew ‘Monkey’ as well; everyone did, but not well enough to try quoting the beginning sequence.  “Time and the pure essences of heaven, the moistures of the earth, and the powers of the sun and the moon, all worked upon a certain rock - old as creation, and it magically became fertile.”  Archie and Finn started to laugh at all the mistakes they were making, but Chop continued on undaunted and word-perfect, “That first egg was named Thought.  Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha said; 'With our thoughts we make the world.'  Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch, from it then came a stone Monkey.  The nature of Monkey was irrepressible!”  Chop finished triumphantly as the opening music began, Finn and Archie laughing loudly, their hangovers forgotten.  Rae joined in as they started to sing the opening song, Izzy and Chloe laughed at them before first Izzy and then Chloe joined in, all six of them singing the final note slightly off key. 

“This is my fucking childhood right here.”  Chop lit a cigarette and pointed at the screen. 

“Oh aye.”  Finn grinned, his eyes watching the screen happily.

“I remember rushing home from school when I was little girl to watch this.”  Rae agreed and Finn hugged her tighter.

“It’s the only foreign language thing I can handle being dubbed over rather than subtitled. “  Archie said and sipped some ginger tea.

“You know I started watching this cos you did Chop.”  Izzy grinned and Chop pulled her onto his lap, she laughed and he kissed her neck before they both turned their eyes back to the screen.  Archie turned his eyes to Chloe.

“And you?”  He asked her and she shrugged.

“I watched it cos Rae watched it.”  She turned her eyes to Rae and gifted her with a fond smile, “I did so many things so you’d keep being my friend.”  She laughed at Rae’s confused face, “Cos you were always so cool.”  She answered honestly, “Even when we was 10.” 

“Well I had to be cool or else you might end up hanging out with the prettier girls.”  Rae told her.

“No such thing.”  Finn said without taking his eyes off the screen, a sly grin creeping onto his lips when he saw Rae looking at him from the corner of his eye.  She kissed his cheek and the grin turned into a huge beaming smile before he turned to her and kissed her lips.  They settled down comfortably in each other’s arms and watched the tv contently.  Chloe laid her head in Archie’s lap and Izzy curled up in Chop’s lap, his arms wrapped around her.  They were all pleasantly buzzed from their cones, and a calm, mellow, sensation descended upon them all; they were all happy. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Landslide’ by The Smashing Pumpkins _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5bznN76xRY&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5bznN76xRY&feature=kp)

 

She looked out of the window at the rain dripping slowly down the glass.  She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed heavily.  Her mind wandered back to him, as it often did.  She looked back over her office; a mountain of paperwork waited for her, but her eyes strayed back to the concrete courtyard, the grey sky… grey people scurrying along with newspapers over their heads, umbrellas and one guy actually wearing a yellow raincoat.  She could almost imagine him wearing something like that and the thought made a smile caress her lovely face. 

She tried to fight this ever-settling sense of emptiness.  But it filled her innards so that she couldn’t eat.  It filled her lungs so that sometimes she felt utterly breathless. 

She forced herself to take a deep breath and walked back to her desk.  She looked down at the unfinished letter; the envelope already written out to a Stamford address.  She had tried to write this letter a dozen times today already.  But what could she say to them?

_I’ve made such a mess of everything, and the longer I leave it in silence the harder it’ll be to…_

_To do what?_

Her eyes looked out across the room as Brian knocked on her door.

“Hi boss-lady.”  He said with a wry grin and she smiled back.  But her smiled felt tired and defeated, even to herself.  She felt old and exhausted.  She looked down at the letter and scrunched it up and threw it in the bin.

“What’s up Brian?” 

“I wondered if you wanted to not work late again tonight… and maybe go for a drink with me instead?”  Brian had a sweet, earnest face.  He gave her a hopeful smile, his grey eyes resting on her calmly. 

“What are you, half my age Brian?”  She answered, raising her eyebrows meaningfully.

“I’m 19.”  He answered and she chuckled mirthlessly.  “I don’t really care how old you are.”  He said reassuringly.  “You’re beautiful and… and kind… and…” He lowered his eyes, not seeing any change in her demeanour to encourage him, “Your passion inspires me.” 

_Funny he should say passion when I feel like everything I once loved is ash in my mouth._

_The passion that once filled me feels hollowed out._

_I’m hollowed out._

“It’s all a ruse Brian.”  Her smile was sardonic, “To hide the fact that I’m a bitch of a boss.” 

“No you’re not.  You’re so-”

“I’m your boss.”  She stopped him, “Whatever else I am doesn’t matter.”  She saw his face fall, but he nodded with understanding.

“Well… don’t stay too late… you should go home to your family… or pet cat… or whatever you’ve got waiting for you at home.”  He put on a small smile and gave her one last longing look before he left her office.  She watched him leave before looking back to her pile of paperwork.  She picked up the top document and sighed. 

_More bloody insurance quibbles._

_This is not what I expected._

Janice thought back to her little community arts centre.  She’d called Sue, the girl she had hired to do the reception job, yesterday.  Her position had not been filled and Janice had agreed to oversee the centre and visit on weekends until they found someone to replace her.  Sue was doing a decent job keeping the place ticking over while she was away, and Janice was starting to wonder if she could do both jobs. 

She worked solidly on her paperwork for a few hours, the time slipping past her without her noticing at all; as it always did now.  She worked like she had been working since she came to London; so that hours became days and days became weeks and before she had known it, it had been two months since she had seen him. 

“I should have kissed him.”  She whispered to herself as she put her pen down.  She told herself this often.  Not because she thought it would have changed the outcome, but because she wished she had known what his lips felt like on hers.  In her 30 years of life, Janice had never felt this way before. 

Not the love part; she knew how that felt.  She had felt it before.  She was a woman who loved to love, but rarely managed to find someone worthy of her love. 

It was this ache she’d never experienced before. 

She had loved unrequitedly before.

She had loved and lost.

She had been heartbroken.

She was a very experienced woman…

But never this ache. 

Her whole body, inside and outside, ached for him.  Sometimes she thought her heart would crumple in on itself under the weight of this aching. 

And it never stopped.  There was never a moment of peace. 

She ate her tasteless breakfast accompanied by this ache.  Did her morning jog, her lungs protesting almost immediately under the weight of this ache.  Came to work and wandered through galleries of stunning art with her constant companion; a never-ceasing ache for Gary.  Lunch, dinner, afternoons and evenings spent with her new best friend; the ache.  She slept in this aches insistent embrace. 

She thought often about their farewell.  Finn had been staying at Rae’s place and she had waited in her room to hear Gary go to bed.  She had waited an hour and then silently slid her backpack of clothing over her shoulders, a box in her hands.  She had been moving boxes to work all week, so that when she had to leave she could slip out quickly and silently like this.  She had told Finn and Rae three days ago that she would be moving out soon but that she would visit.  They had been predictably upset and she had cried in her room alone afterwards.  She felt that she was falling apart, and not acting at all like herself.  She looked around her room, smiling fondly at the hideous bright orange curtains before leaving.  She had made it to the front door and was just about to open it when she heard him say her name.  She had stopped in her tracks, but couldn’t bring herself to turn to look at him.

“I’ll miss you.”  He had said softly.  She hadn’t been able to say anything.  She’d just nodded and left.  She’d left a quick farewell note to Finn and Rae on Finn’s bed, promising to drop them a line when she got settled in.  The tone of the letter had been light and breezy, but inside the ache had been gnawing away at her. 

She hadn’t meant to run away like she had.  She had just had to.  She had fallen so deeply in love with Gary and it had happened without her realising it.  It had just happened in almost an instant it seemed.  She was in love with everything about him, from his goofy sense of humour to his intense loyalty: the intense loyalty that meant they couldn’t be together. 

And she had become a woman who had started to hope for negative things.  Something she had never done before.  But she caught herself hoping that Kenzie was no longer in love with Gary and wanted to separate.  It would hurt Gary… for a while.  But then… after that…

She hated herself for thinking like that. 

How had her entire being become so surrounded by this man? 

She looked over at the clock on her office wall.  9pm.

She had finished her paperwork and supposed she should eat dinner.  But she rarely felt hungry anymore.  She ate because she knew her body needed fuel, not from desire or for the pleasure of truly delicious food.  She took out her notepad and began the letter again.  After only a few moments she ripped out the page and scrunched it up.  She started again, this time addressing it to Rae. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Don’t Change’ by Inxs _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLm3Khusq_8>

 

Rae climbed the stairs of Finn’s house and caught a glimpse of Janice’s empty room.  She could never think of it as a spare bedroom.  It’d always be Janice’s room.  Janice belonged here.  The house was empty without her.  Colder.  Finn had noticed it too.  He had spoken to her about how much he hadn’t noticed it before, but when it had just been the two men, the house had been lonely. 

Rae put the clean clothes she had brought in off the line on Finn’s bed and started to put hers away, folding Finn’s for him to sort out; she didn’t understand his clothes system, it made no sense at all.  She caught sight of herself in his mirror and saw the scars along her neck.  She walked up to the mirror and ran her fingers along them.  One faint white scar from where he had pressed the knife against her neck, and one darker, angrier scar, slightly above the other one, where the knife had sliced her.  She took off her shirt and looked down at her stomach.  The scar on her stomach was the largest, and she could still see the puncture wounds where the stitches had been thread through her skin to close the wound.  She ran her fingers along the scars.  She was acutely aware that Finn didn’t touch these scars.  He ran his fingers along her cutting scars, along her stretch marks; he loved her body even with all its imperfections, she believed it more every day.  But his fingers never caressed the scar on her stomach or the ones on her neck.  If he touched them by accident he didn’t flinch away, but Rae could tell he didn’t like these scars.  She supposed he didn’t like any of her scars, but she knew he was particular about these scars.  Logically she knew it was because they were a reminder of Saul.

Saul.

_Why did I ever go anywhere with him willingly._

_He was such an utter creep from the first moment I saw him, I just couldn’t see it._

_Why was I so blind to what a creep he was?_

She was painfully reminded of what he had done to her.  She turned side on to the mirror and looked at the fat roll on her back he had squeezed.  She felt the urge to cut that fat roll from her body.  Her fingers twitched; the urge to go to the kitchen and find the sharpest knife she could and simply cut this part of herself from her body was almost overwhelming.  He had touched her there. 

_If I lost weight I wouldn’t have that fat roll anymore._

_The place he touched wouldn’t exist anymore._

She thought about how she could get around Finn’s watchful eyes and start restricting her food again.  But another part of her kicked in and she went to the phone and called Rhys’s home number instead. 

“Hey?”  He asked as he picked up.

“It’s Rae.”  She said softly.  “I’m sorry for calling…”

“It’s fine, I gave you my number so you would call it.”  He said calmly, “How is everything today?”

“I was thinking about how to hide my eating habits from Finn so I could…”  She stopped and tried to get the sound of tears out of her voice. 

“The fact that you called me tells me that you have a strong will to survive Rae.”  Rhys answered, “Finn calls you a warrior.  I see why.”  Rae scoffed sorrowfully.  “What was happening when you started to think about restricting your food again?”

“I was thinking about Saul.”  She started to cry.

“He took control from you.”  Rhys answered, “This must seem like a good way to take control back.”  Rae nodded.

“And I can make the places he touched me, go away.”  She added.  But her mind went to her own vagina.  She couldn’t make that go away and he’d touched her clitoris.  She felt ill and sat down on Finn’s bed with a thud. 

“The human skin is remarkable Rae.”  Rhys said softly, “We shed our skin, you know?”

“Aye.”  She answered miserably.

“Every month or so we have a new layer of skin.”  He continued, “A layer of skin that he never touched… the layer he touched has long ago been shed from your body.”  Rae felt a strange calmness overcome her.

“Thanks Rhys.” 

“My pleasure Ms Rae.”

“I thought only Elsa got a title?”

“Only people who deserve them get them.”  He said and she could hear the grin on his face through his voice.  Rae smiled happily in return, feeling stronger and more able to cope with her memories. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”  She told him, looking forward to self-defence training.

“Ok Rae, bye.”

She hung up the phone and took a deep breath.  She went back to the mirror and looked at the scar on her neck, she put her fingers to them.  She knew Finn hated them because it was a reminder of what Saul had done, but she worried that he thought they were ugly too. 

He came into the room and saw her looking at the scars.  He was wary of approaching her from behind when she was looking in the mirror like this; it stirred painful memories for both of them. 

“What you up to Mrs Nelson?”  He tried to sound light-hearted but he had seen her fingers on the scars on her neck.  He closed the door and leaned against it, watching the way she turned to him slowly. 

“Finn…?”  She asked slowly, “Do you…?”  She looked down and caught sight of her stomach scar.  “Do you hate me scars?”  Finn’s brows furrowed.  His initial response was to instantly say no, but he knew she needed a more nuanced answer from him. 

“I hate what happened to give them to you.”  He answered.

“Do you think they’re ugly?”

“Nothing about you is ugly.”  He went to her and put his arms around her shoulders, drawing her protectively into his arms, “you are beautiful Rachel Alice Olivia Earl.”

“Oi!”  She said with a warning glare that Finn ignored. 

“Rachel.”

“Don’t say it!”

“Alice.”

“Not another word Finn!”  Rae started to laugh.

“Olivia.”

“You’re a mongrel.”  She told him, trying to get her face to stop smiling.

“Earl.”  Finn finished with a hugely satisfied grin. 

“I wasn’t telling you me middle names for a reason.”  Rae shook her head, but couldn’t help but grin.  Finn kissed her lips and Rae melted into his arms.  Finn marvelled again at how willingly she moulded herself body to his.  But he had to address the scars issue. 

“Why would you think that I think they’re ugly?”  Rae sighed and turned back to the mirror and was struck immediately by the fact that Finn was standing behind her just as Saul had.  She felt her stomach knot momentarily, but kept her eyes on the reflection of his eyes, curious but calm.  She felt herself calming as he put his hands on her hips and stepped closer still.  She let her eyes drop to the scars on her neck. 

“You don’t touch them.”  She whispered and Finn’s face became very serious and sad.  He looked at the scars on her neck and then the one on her stomach.  He understood how she felt; she wouldn’t touch his scar either, she would often even avert her gaze from it.  He knew why, but it still made him worry that it was ugly. 

“They remind me how close I came to losing you.”  He answered honestly, “And I don’t like being reminded.”  He sighed, “I s’pose that’s why you don’t look at my scar.”  She saw the vulnerability in his eyes and she turned back to him.

“You nearly died.”  She said, “And I can’t get over that… I just keep…”  She looked away, “it’s always in me mind Finn.”  She told him. 

“So you don’t think the scar’s ugly?”  He asked, trying to hide the urgency he felt.

“No.”  She answered, “But it reminds me.”  She made an effort to look down at it.  She felt Finn’s fingers gently touch the scars on her neck and tears pricked her eyes.  She slowly reached her hands out to Finn’s large scar that slashed down the side of his abdomen.  Her scars puckered up, but his fell inwards.  It had been sewn well, and the line was thin, but long, and still red in colour.  She ran her finger along the entire length of the healed wound, and suddenly felt infinitely grateful that she got to see this scar; it meant that he had lived, that he had healed.  She looked up at Finn; he looked so worried that she was touching his scar and she smiled reassuringly.

“This scar isn’t about him.”  She said softly.  “Not anymore.”  She touched his face, “Now it’s about how thankful I am that you survived.”  Finn’s fingertips stopped moving on her neck as he drank that in, “This scar is your body having healed after what happened.”  She told him, “And I’m so thankful for that… for this scar.”  She felt another tear drop onto her cheek and smiled adoringly at her Finn.  His breath caught as she bent and kissed his scar gently.  She looked back up at him and stroked his hair, “We survived.”  She said and he pulled her into his arms, their lips finding each other’s instantly, easily; they knew each other so well, so intimately, that they never had to search for each other’s lips, they came together naturally. 

“I love you.”  He said, his voice thick with emotion. 

“I love you, my Finn.”  She whispered. 

“It has been a difficult year.”  He told her, “But you’ve been the one good thing in me whole life.”  He held to him tightly, “I’m so thankful I’ve got you.”  He looked back at her neck scars and took a deep breath, “these scars are a sign of what my Rae survived.”  He whispered to himself, able to re-frame them in this way easily, because she already had so many survival scars.  He raised his fingers to her neck slowly and Rae lifted her chin so he could see better but his eyes went back to her face.  Her eyes were closed, the sun shone in through the window across her beautiful skin.  He looked up at the window; she had left the curtains open for the first time since Saul had attacked her.  His eyes fell back to her face and a contentment overcame him; they were healing, slowly, but surely.  He kissed her neck, first tenderly and then with growing desire and passion.  He unhooked her bra easily as he kissed back up to her mouth, their tongues circling each other, Rae gripping him tightly to her so that her breasts pressed into his chest, making him groan lustily; he loved to feel her pressed into his body like this, and she knew it.  Rae groaned appreciatively as Finn’s mouth moved down to her breasts, his hands cupping then pushing them together.  His mouth closed over first one then her other nipple, his tongue dancing around them expertly.  He knelt and kissed down her stomach and stopped at the scar there, looking closely at the stich marks and the angry red colour it still had.  His fingers went up to the scar; the skin here felt so fragile and easy to tear.  He looked back up at her.

“It’s really getting better isn’t it?”  He asked vulnerably, as if he couldn’t believe it.

“Aye.”  She said softly.  “Everything’s getting better Finn.”  She loved the way he looked when he grinned contently.  Rae watched his lips press against her scar and felt his fingers at the button of her jeans.  She looked over at the window momentarily,

_He’s not coming back,_

and then at the sun streaming onto the bed.  It would be so nice to make love in the sunshine.  Rae stepped out of her pants as soon as Finn had them lowered and enjoyed the way he kissed her legs, even the tops of her feet, with open mouthed, wet kisses, his tongue lapping at her salty skin.  He lifted up one leg and put it over his shoulder as he kissed up her thighs.  Rae closed her eyes as she felt his mouth on her cunt, his tongue licking her pussy lips hungrily before slipping between them to lick her clitoris.  She laced her fingers through his hair and groaned appreciatively. 

_Oh God… me legs are gonna give way…_

_How the fuck does Finn get head standing up?_

She pulled his head away from her and he groaned lustily.

“I’m not done?”  He asked confused. 

“Bed.”  Rae answered panting.  Finn was up like a shot and kissing her mouth.  She laced her arms around his neck and enjoyed the feeling of his hands grabbing her arse firmly, his body bending into hers unexpectedly.  And then he lifted her up, using her arse as leverage, their bodies pressed together.

“Oh!”  She said in shock as Finn carried her to the bed, the muscles in his stomach tense against her stomach, his eyes on hers.  He’d only lifted her feet a few centimetres off the ground; he intended to be able to eventually fuck her up against a wall and scoop her into his arms.  But that would take time.  For now Rae was so stunned that he had lifted her that she was giggling like a child.  Finn started to laugh and dropped her down onto his bed.  She made another surprised sound and laid back immediately, arching her back exquisitely, her legs parted slightly, her arms reaching up to him.  Finn loved the way she was laughing with real joy as he stripped his jeans off and knelt between her thighs to kiss her. 

“Sorry I laughed!”  She said breathlessly, “that was actually quite impressive.”  She grinned merrily as he stroked her hair and looked down on her stunning face. 

“Don’t be sorry you laughed.”  He answered, “I love every single thing about you.”  They kissed and he felt her arching her back more, wanting to press her body into his, “I’ve never been this happy in me whole life, Rae.”  He told her and she stroked his hair.

“Me either.”  They stared into each other’s eyes for a long time, Finn not able to believe his luck that she could gift him with such a loving look.  He kissed her lips and she licked his lips slowly and sensually, like she did whenever she was trying to make him want her.  She didn’t realise she didn’t have to try; he just wanted her all the time.  Although that lick along his lips did always make him crazy for her.  Slowly he kissed back down her body, wanting to get back to his unfinished business.  Rae opened her thighs gladly and raised her arms above her head, her head thrown back, the sun streaming across her, making her skin glow.  Finn took her in, her dark hair sprayed around her head, a single curl falling over her breast, her angelic lips curved into an ecstatic smile, the dark triangle of hair that he was about to dive into, contrasting vividly with her perfect skin; she was painfully beautiful.  He touched the skin on her thigh with something far beyond wonder, beyond worship, and felt her shiver with delight, heard her breathe in with anticipation.  She turned his eyes to him and he was lost again; time had no meaning, there was just the two of them, and he was lost in love.  Deliriously, ecstatically lost in love.  He lowered his face to her and closed his eyes, taking in the scent of her and being overwhelmed with how much of a privilege it was to be permitted to taste her like this.  He licked along her pussy lips again and listened to the noises she made, focussed on the way her body responded.  He allowed himself to become totally intoxicated on her as he began to lick her again.  Rae closed her eyes and relaxed into the feel of his mouth on her cunt.  She felt him push her legs further apart, he did this sometimes, when he was particularly excited to go down.  She pushed her thighs out further for him and he licked her cunt, his tongue finding out her vaginal opening and sliding over it, trying to get inside of it.  Rae couldn’t help but groan with desire; he was so close to where she wanted him, but he deliberately teased her and didn’t lick her clit yet.

Her eyes suddenly shot open as the licks Finn was doing around her hole grew long, dipping further down, licking the perineum just below her vagina, but not yet heading any closer to her anus.  She groaned deeply; it felt incredible.  He licked slightly lower still, but the way she was lying on the bed made it impossible for him to go any lower; she need to tilt her pelvis up just a little more if she wanted him to do anilingus.  She looked down at his head moving between her legs and groaned with desire, but couldn’t bring herself to tilt her pelvis up.  His licks very slowly grew longer, from as far down as he could reach heading further up towards her clitoris.  Rae noticed that her mouth was open wide in surprise, desire and pleasure.  By the time Finn’s tongue finally licked her clitoris Rae’s whole body was tense with desperate desire.  He body melted back into the bed as he started to focus on her clit.  He slipped two fingers into her and immediately licked around his fingers as they penetrated her, his tongue again straying low, Rae groaning loudly.  Rae felt tingles spreading out through her whole body from that tiny area just between her vagina and her arse and wondered how it was possible that so small a place could be so pleasurable.  Finn’s tongue stayed south while his fingers found her sweet spot inside and caressed it perfectly.  To her surprise, Rae felt an orgasm building, she groaned loudly and Finn felt her vagina tighten around his fingers convulsively.  Rae’s insides clenched with a tingling orgasm that took her by surprise with its internal intensity.  It felt like the very core of her was pulsing in pleasure.  And then she gasped loudly as Finn started to lick her clitoris again, a deep, powerful clitoral orgasm quickly followed, her whole body shaking with pleasure.  Finn stopped licking her but kept his fingers stimulating her G-spot as he looked up at her, his lips glistening with her cum.  She groaned, her body moving rhythmically to the thrusts of his fingers, her eyes watching him hungrily.  He pushed his fingers as deep as he could inside of her and she gasped, before he withdrew them.  Finn licked his fingers and groaned.

“You taste so fucking good.”  He told her, his eyes never leaving hers.  Rae licked her lips and looked down at his cock.  When she looked back up at Finn’s face, the look he was giving her told her that he knew exactly what she was thinking.  He got off the bed slowly and she got up, kneeling on the bed.  He kissed her deeply, Rae enjoying the taste of her cunt on his lips.  She started to his down his body, ending up on all fours on his bed, her lips slipping over the head of his cock while he stood, watching her mouth engulfing him.  He looked over at the mirror and saw the side angle of his cock sliding into her throat.  He grinned as he felt himself hit the back of her throat, then felt her push herself past the moment and groaned deeply as the entire length of his cock slid into her mouth, her nose ending up against his stomach. 

“Don’t ever change girl.”  He whispered gratefully to her as she moved her mouth up and down the entire length of his cock; making sure he enjoyed getting to go past her gag point every single time, sometimes with a gagging sound, sometimes with deep breath preceding it, always with an appreciative moan from him. 

“You either.”  She slid onto her knees on the floor and started to lick his cock but he stopped her and looked into her eyes.

“I meant not just the blow jobs… I mean everything.”

“Me too.”  She answered before taking another deep breath and deep throating him again making him groan throatily.  He liked that it wasn’t easy for her to do it, but she did it anyway and she liked doing it, for him.  She had just taken him into her hand and was licking his balls lavishly when the phone rang.  Both of them ignoring it without any prompting.  She took one of his balls into her mouth and sucked gently, Finn was trying to keep his hands on his hips to just let her do what she wanted to him.  He felt a thrill go through his body when he felt her tongue tentatively explore the area behind his scrotum momentarily before taking his other ball into her mouth.  Finn watched in the mirror again as she licked the length of his cock and slid it all the way down her throat again, holding her nose to his stomach again, the effort bringing tears to her eyes.

“Rae!”  They heard Finn’s father call up the stairs.  Both Finn and Rae’s eyes opened in surprise and she pulled him out of her throat and coughed before calling back.

“What is it Gary?”  She asked sweetly; her hand grasping Finn’s cock firmly, rubbing it at a decent pace, Finn’s head thrown back in pleasure. 

“Chloe’s on the phone for you.  Says it’s important.” 

“Just a minute!”  She called back before looking up at Finn, “You better cum right now.”  She told him, both of them knowing that for Chloe to call here, it was something that was going to end their sex session.

“Lick behind me balls again.”  He told her and she did, sending a tingling sensation throughout his body.  He took his cock from her and started to masturbate, feeling the pleasure her tongue was giving him with real surprise. 

“What do you want me to tell her?”  Gary called back up and Rae stopped licking Finn to answer.

“Tell her to give me...”  She looked up at Finn.

“Three.”  Finn said.

“Three minutes.”  Rae called out loudly.  Finn took her hair in his hands and she opened her mouth, he started to thrust into her throat.

“I really wanted to make love to you today.”  He said in an irritated voice. 

“Cum all over my face instead.”  She said with a grin when he let her up for air and he had to smile.

“Well I suppose it’ll have to do.”  He laughed and plunged back into her throat.  He pushed himself to cum again, forcing the build in his body.  He pulled her off his cock and forced her face into his balls again and felt her tongue lapping at his scrotum and perineum.  He masturbated, until he was close, then pulled her hair roughly, she opened her mouth for him just in time to catch his cum spurting from him in long pearlescent ropes.  He spurted it up her face and into her hair by accident and groaned, enjoying the way she looked with his cum all over her face and in her mouth.  She swallowed and picked up the phone, his cum slowly dripping down her cheek.

“Hi Chlo.”  She said with a sweet voice as Finn collapsed onto the bed still panting, his eyes on her face.  He watched her happy face turn concerned and her eyes turned to him as she listened.

“Alright, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  She said and hung up the phone.  “Liam woke up on Friday night.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Mercy’ by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQM8G2ZjPrw_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQM8G2ZjPrw)

 

On a beautiful Monday afternoon Rae found herself numbly walking up a hospital corridor with Chloe’s hand in hers.  Finn followed with his hands in his pockets, a forced look of neutrality on his face. 

They got to his room and Finn hung back.

“I’ll stay out here, yeah?”  He said and Rae nodded to him before they went in.  Liam raised his eyes to them and gave a crooked smile.

“My two favourite girls.”  His voice sounded slurred, as if he were drunk.  Rae and Chloe both saw the tremor in the hand that lay across his lap and the awkward way he held himself.  “The fuck have you been?”  He asked them with the same smile.  His leg twitched violently, and Chloe had to stop herself from jumping. 

“Eli only just rung us.”  Chloe answered, Eli had tried Rae’s place, but being unable to get through had asked for a contact number.  Linda had given her Chloe and Finn’s numbers.  He scoffed slightly at her answer, spittle coming from his mouth.  He wiped it with a hand that shook violently and Rae’s eyes stung with tears.  They both simultaneously went to his bed and Chloe took his shaking hand. 

“How are you feeling?”  Rae asked.

“How d’you think?”  He asked with no facial expression.  It was like his face was dead.  “Like shit.”  He looked up into Rae’s face.  “It wasn’t suicide.”  He told her, “Just wanted some fun.” 

“Call this fun?”  Rae tried to joke, and his lips moved lightly into that crooked smile.  Eli came in with a cup and smiled wanly at them.

“Hey guys.”  She said and sat down in the chair, putting her drink down.  “Hey big bear.”  She said to Liam and Rae saw his eyes light up.

“Eli.”  He smiled crookedly, as if one side of his mouth would not work properly.  He moved as if drunk and pulled her into a loose hug.  She crawled up onto the bed and hugged her big brother.  Chloe sat down in the chair she vacated and Rae pulled up the other chair and sat on his other side.  Eli looked over to Rae.

“He had toxic anoxia caused by the overdose.”  She told them, “they said I found him just soon enough for him to not be affected much worse.  He’s been in and out of a vegetative state for the past 7 weeks.”  She looked over at him, his eyes closed as if the effort of this whole thing was too much, “sometimes he was in a minimally conscious state…”

“I thought he was in a coma this whole time?”  Chloe asked, shocked at how little attention she’d been paying.

“No only the first few days.”  Eli replied.

“I’m such a bad friend.”  Chloe whispered.

“You both are.”  Liam mumbled, “Pair o’ bitches.” 

“Sorry about that.”  Eli looked at his face and then back at Chloe and Rae, “He’s been insulting pretty much everyone.  He’s crankier now.”  She stroked his hair for a moment and sighed, “But he doesn’t remember it, his short term memory is shot to shit and he forgets about 80% of things that happen, and he’s got these tremors and his body’s all weak and…”  She stopped listing all his problems and looked down, “they said he’s lucky it wasn’t much worse.”  She sounded like her voice might be drowned out with tears at any moment, “they said I probably found him less than a minute after he collapsed.  Said his body did a lot o’ healing while he was out of it.”  She said with a grim smile. 

“Well at least he’s awake.”  Rae said bracingly.

“Like you give a fuck.”  He looked at her with a strange look, “Wouldn’t it be easier, Earl, if I’d died?”  His voice slurred horribly and Rae felt tears spring to her eyes.

“No.”  She answered honestly. 

“Cos you’d feel guilty.”  He looked away from her and Rae looked up at Chloe who looked horror-struck, not knowing how to handle any of this.

“I was wrong to abandon you Liam.”  Rae said firmly.  He turned his face back to her, his movements jerky and uncontrolled.  She looked into his eyes as he lowered is hand to hers and weakly squeezed her fingers.

“But you did.”  He told her in a monotone.  “I forgive you.”  He said softly and Rae felt a sob hitch at her throat.  She could see Chloe’s hands go up to her mouth, her body rocking with sorrow.  “You too you dozey cunt.”  He said and slowly turned his head to Chloe. 

“I’m so sorry.”  Chloe whispered through her hands.  “I wasn’t a good friend.”  She took her hands away from her mouth and took his hand in hers again.  “I should o’ bailed you out.”

“Yeah.”  Liam agreed, “But you didn’t.”  He closed his eyes, “But I forgive you both.”  He slipped into a sleep and Eli hopped off the bed. 

“He’ll probably forget this conversation.”  She said sadly as she sat in the last chair despondently. 

“Where’s his mum?”  Chloe asked, outraged on his behalf.

“Dead.”  She answered sadly.  Rae and Chloe felt shock rock through their bodies.

“What?”  Rae gasped and looked back at him.

“Me mum’s a cop you know?  She attended the car accident that killed her.  She were in the car with some guy high on crack.”  She sniffed, “slammed into a tree.”  Eli wiped a tear from her face, “He walked away fine.  She went through the windscreen.”  She looked down at her fingers and picked at her nails sadly, “Happened three days after he overdosed.” 

“Does he know?”  Chloe asked in a small voice.

“I haven’t told him yet.”  She said miserably, “Even if I did he probably wouldn’t remember a few hours after he’d cried about it...”  She shook her head, “I just keep implying that he gets visitors while he’s asleep.  I think he knows I’m lying... but with his memory the way it is, who knows?” 

“He’s got no family now.”  Rae said, “Except for you Eli.”  Eli nodded slowly.

“He’s got no legal guardian, so the hospital makes all the decisions for him.”  She turned her eyes to Rae, “He might never get better than he is now Rae.”  She started to cry and both Rae and Chloe were on their feet in an instant, both of them going to her and hugging her. 

“They’ll be able to do rehabilitation classes and stuff?”  Chloe asked Rae in a voice aimed at reassuring Eli.

“Yeah I’d think so.”  A nurse came in and clucked her tongue looking at her watch. 

“Visiting hours for this ward are well and truly over girls.  Out you go.”  She told them and went to Liam’s bed without looking back. 

Rae and Chloe said their farewells and left the room in a daze and Eli shrugged and sat down in the room, the nurse giving her a glare.  Chloe and Rae didn’t hang around to see how that argument went, they headed out of the hospital despondently, Finn following after them.

He drove them silently, pursing his lips, while both of them cried. 

“We have to spend more time with him.”  Chloe said and Rae nodded, sniffing back her tears as best she could.

“Yeah.”  She answered finally. 

“He’s so good to forgive us.”  Chloe said in a grateful voice that made Finn narrow his eyes. 

“Forgive you for what?”  He asked carefully.

“Abandoning him.”  Chloe responded as he pulled up at her house.  “See you in training tomorrow babe.”  She hugged Rae from the back seat of the car, leaning over the front seat and kissed her cheek.  Rae watched her walking to her house and turned back to Finn as he pulled out and they started to drive to her house. 

“It’s very kind of Liam to forgive us for abandoning him.”  Rae repeated and she saw the unimpressed look on his face before he had chance to carefully arrange his face back to neutrality.  “What’s that look for?”  She asked him accusatorily.  Finn felt himself getting defensive but gripped the steering wheel and allowed the moment to pass before he responded.

“I understand that this is a very serious and emotional situation.”  He said carefully, “But even so, I don’t understand why you’d just forget everything he did to you.”  He said honestly.  “Cos I certainly can’t.”  Rae nodded her head slowly.

“It’s not that I forget it.”  She answered with a sad voice, “It’s that it just doesn’t matter right now.”  She put a hand on his thigh, “he’s in a really bad place.”  She told Finn, “and he needs a friend.”  She took a deep breath, “We have a connection… a fucked up and awful connection.”  She nodded and Finn smiled grimly, “and we have history… also fucked up and awful…”  She admitted, “But still.  We have a connection and history… he needs someone.  And there’s no one else.”  Finn had heard everything that had been said in the room.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t be friends or something.”  He said, “Just… be careful.”  He felt bad saying it, but he couldn’t bring himself to trust Liam, “don’t forget what he did.  It’s not you who should be thankful for forgiveness.  It’s him.”

“Alright.”  She conceded and Finn gave her a small smile and a quick glance before looking back at the road.  “I’ll be careful.  And you’ll try being polite to him, yeah?”  Finn stayed silent for a long time, not hiding how unimpressed he was with that suggestion, but Rae waited.

“I will… try.”  He answered eventually.  “I was planning on just not punching his skull in…” He smiled grimly, “Given what he did to you… I thought that were pretty decent o’ me.”  He gave her a look as they pulled into her driveway, “But if you need manners.  I’ll try and find mine.”

“Thank you.”  She kissed his cheek and watched him hop out of their car to open the door for her. 

“But please don’t ask for anything more Rae.”  He said softly, as they headed towards her front door.  She stopped and looked at him, not sure what to make of what he was saying, “I’ll never be friends with a guy who assaulted you under a fucking tree…”  He reminded her of what Liam had done.  “I’ll never be ok with a man who hurt you like he did.”  Finn shook his head, “It don’t matter what he’s been through, I’ll never forgive him.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Hounds of Love’ by Kate Bush _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VerK4zwMRQw_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VerK4zwMRQw)

 

“Have you visited Liam?”  She asked as she sat down on the park bench.

“Yes.”  There was an undeniable undertone of relief in Kester’s voice, but also gravitas.

“Will he get better?”  Chloe asked and Kester sighed.

“It’s hard to say.”  He said honestly, “brain damage caused by toxic anoxia is very tricky to treat.” 

“But you’ll be helping?”  She asked urgently.

“As much as I can.”  He replied and she seemed to find some peace with that and settled back into the bench. 

“You seem very insistent in your enquiries about Liam.”  Kester noted.

“I’m doing a whole lot of blaming myself.”  She held up her hand before he could speak, “I know.”  She shook her head, “I know it’s not my fault, and I know I had good reason to not talk to him.”  She looked him in the eyes, “But we both know that sometimes the heart takes much longer to catch on than the head.”  Kester nodded.

“Truer words were never spoken.”  He smiled at her new found self-awareness and lit a cigarette. 

“You seem better today?”  Chloe asked, noting his clean-shaven face and less dishevelled appearance.  Kester nodded slowly.  He’d stayed sober since Liam had woken up.  At their lunch date, he’d talked with Elsa about how he seemed to always be dancing on the edge of alcoholism, and just being able to say the words out loud to someone had put things into very ugly perspective for him: he needed to stop now before he ended up like his father. 

“Much better.”  He replied and smiled grimly for a moment.  “So how has this week treated you?”  He asked staring at the river moving lazily in its bed.

“I finally had sex.”  She said softly, “Willingly.”

“I don’t think it’s called sex if it’s not willingly Chloe.”  Kester answered gently.

“I just meant that I really wanted it.  I wasn’t doing it to prove anything… for once.”  She finished in a low voice.

“What was that like?”

“Sounds like such a pervy question.”  She laughed.

“I suppose it does.”  Kester smiled, appreciating her good mood. 

“It was good.”  She said honestly, “He was a perfect gentleman.”  She bit her top lip and stared off.  “And Kester… you wouldn’t believe it… but he stopped when I asked him to.  Just stopped.  No questions asked.”

“As he should.” 

“I know.  But how often does it actually happen?”

“So you didn’t have sex?”  Kester asked cautiously. 

“No, I did it after he stopped.”

“Did you go through with it because you felt you owed him because he stopped?  Or felt that you should reward his good behaviour?”  He furrowed his brows. 

“No, I did it cos I wanted to.  I really didn’t think about him in that moment.  I was thinking about me and how I felt and what I wanted… and I wanted him.”  Chloe felt herself smiling broadly, “And cos I could trust him I had him!”  She said happily.  “I don’t think I’ve ever trusted a man like I trust him.”  She bit her top lip again.  “Not even me own dad.”  She furrowed her brows and stared at the river. 

“What’s worrying you?”

“I have feelings for him.”  Chloe scrunched up her face further in thought.

“And why is this bad?”

“Because I really just wanna go and fuck everything with a dick, Kester.”  She confused, “I don’t know why.”

“It’s a common coping strategy in rape survival; to aggressively reclaim your own body and sexuality.”  Kester crossed his leg and sucked on his cigarette thoughtfully. 

“So I shouldn’t go and have a bunch of one night stands then?”

“I can’t tell you what’s best for you Chloe.”  He answered honestly, “A lot of women don’t feel very good after… one night stands.”  He looked away thinking about how to move forward, “Some women find it very empowering to use someone for sexual gratification for a night.” 

“So I just gotta do it and see?”  Kester furrowed his brows at what she said.

“Tell me about this man you slept with.”

“He’s…”  Chloe struggled to find words, “He’s just Rhys.”  Kester knew the name, Rae had mentioned talking to him about her eating difficulties in her previous sessions.  Kester had admired the advice Rhys had given Rae.  “He’s an enigma.”  She grinned to herself softly as she thought about him, “Everything about him is opposites.” 

“Is that a good thing?”

“I quite like it yeah.”  She admitted happily.  “He’s hard and violent Kester.  And equally soft and caring.  He’s really smart and questions everything.  But he won’t question to flatten a dickhead.”  Kester watched the way her face it up, “He’s so intimidating when you first meet him cos he got tattoos and he’s so huge… but I never felt safer alone with a man than I do with him.  He’d never hurt me.”  She looked at Kester, “He was inside o’ me when I told him to stop.  And he did.  And he wasn’t angry…”  Kester raised his eyebrows.

“Impressive.”  He said carefully, “What did he say to you when he stopped?”  Kester expected that Rhys had probably said or done something to manipulate Chloe into continuing; most young men would have. 

“He got off the bed and put his pants on and talked through options for what we could do that night instead of have sex.”  Chloe said, “He told me that my ‘no’ was a complete sentence that it didn’t need an explanation.”  Kester blinked and stubbed his cigarette out.

“Nothing else?”  He asked and Chloe detected the hint of disbelief.

“I know Kester.”  She said, “I understand why you can’t believe it.”  Kester started to deny his disbelief but Chloe continued, “He’s a rape survivor as well.”  Chloe said softly, “He understands.”  She lowered her eyes, “He gets all of it.  Like when I told him I wanted to kill them… he got it… and he understands why I wanna train so hard.  He doesn’t treat me like a victim.”  She said, “He’s the only person that doesn’t.”  She watched Kester light another cigarette, “He makes me feel powerful, and worth…”  She shook her head, not knowing what to say.  “Worth everything.”  She said finally. 

“Yet you seem sad?”  Kester noted the tone she used.

“Because I wish I’d met him after I’d gone through this stuff… Cos I’m not ready to be in a relationship.  But I wanna be in one with him.”  She shook her head sadly, “But I really don’t think I could have gone through with it with anyone else.  It had to be him first.  Cos he understood.” 

“So you have two competing desires.”  Kester watched her carefully, “On one hand, you have feelings for a man that makes you feel like survivor instead of a victim.  And on the other hand, feeling like a survivor makes you want to go and test your own limits… makes you want to feel more liberated sexually?”  Chloe nodded slowly as the words Kester had used sunk in. 

_More liberated sexually._

_Rhys has a reputation for that…_

“Maybe I can combine them…?”  She asked herself softly and Kester raised his eyebrows.  “I’m gonna have to talk to Rhys.” 

“What do you want the outcome to be?”  Kester asked her, “and what do you think he’ll-”

“I can’t know what he’ll say.  But you want me to reveal what I fear he’ll say.”  She grinned knowingly, “I fear that he’ll want me all to himself and jealously insist…”  Chloe frowned, “but then, if he doesn’t do that… would that mean he don’t care?”  Kester waited in silence, watching her sort through her thoughts and feelings, “What do I really want from him?”  She asked herself and then looked up at Kester, “I’m really not sure.”  She sighed, “I am… quite confused.” 

“I think it’s perfectly natural and valid to be confused.”  Kester said reassuringly, “you’re moving through your recovery quite rapidly, but even so, sometimes things are going to arise that will confound you.”  He drew on his cigarette and enjoyed the sun streaming down on this beautiful summer morning.  Chloe considered what he said and then sat upright, her mouth open in a big grin.  “What is it?”  He asked and Chloe nodded towards a man in the distance, jogging towards them.

“That’s Rhys.”  She watched him and then began to worry slightly, “I haven’t seen him since we made love.”  She whispered softly, “Oh fuck!”  She was supposed to be seeing him in just over two hours for training, but the gang were going to be there; it was Izzy’s return to training.  So she had felt less nervous about that.

“What makes you nervous about seeing him?”

“I don’t know.”  Chloe responded urgently, “What if he wishes we hadn’t fucked?”  She blurted out as it became obvious that he had seen her too.  He came toward them, and slowed slightly, waiting for a sign from Chloe for whether he should stop or not. 

“Hey.”  She said softly and he stopped immediately.

“Chloe.”  He replied calmly, his eyes resting on her gently.  Kester took in the sight of what was clearly a human mountain in the process of falling in love. 

“This is Kester.”  She said, trying to hide her nerves, and turned her eyes to Kester.  Rhys looked at Kester and held out his hand and Kester shook it.

“Rhys.”  Rhys told him and turned his eyes back to Chloe.  “I don’t normally run this way,” He told her, “But my first client cancelled so I had more time, so I…”  Chloe wasn’t used to Rhys explaining himself like this, and clearly he wasn’t either.  He furrowed his brows and stopped speaking, his eyes staying on her face.  Kester grinned and looked away, lighting another cigarette. 

“Um… I’m kinda here… for kinda therapy.”  Chloe answered slowly.  It was hard to explain her arrangement with Kester. 

_Two strangers talking._

Rhys nodded slowly and turned his eyes back to Kester, re-appraising him before looking at Chloe again.

“How was your weekend?”  She asked him and a small smile touched his lips.

“I visited some friends and we overate.”  He enjoyed the way Chloe grinned at that, “It was wonderful.”  Kester tried to be invisible as he sat on the bench next to Chloe, smoking and looking away.  “Yours?”

“Spent it with the gang getting really drunk and only moderately high.”  She laughed, “Watched a lot of ‘Monkey.’  It were brilliant!”  Rhys chuckled and Chloe loved the way he sounded when he laughed. 

“Can I make you dinner sometime soon?”  He asked her calmly, but she detected a hint of hopefulness and felt a warm buzzing sensation in the pit of her belly. 

“Sure.  We’ll organise it at the boxing joint, yeah?” 

“Of course.”  He smiled happily.

“And you should come to the pub next time we go too.”  She told him.

“I’d like that.”  Rhys’s eyes dropped to Chloe’s lips for a moment and then rose to her eyes, a genuine smile lighting up his face. 

“Me too.”  Chloe grinned in reply.

“I better…” He indicated that he should get back to jogging and then took another look at Chloe before heading off with an almost shy goodbye.  Chloe watched him jogging away with a huge smile on her face.  Kester attempted to keep his face neutral as he turned back to Chloe. 

“Shut up you.”  She tutted when she saw his face.  Kester broke out into a grin as soon as she spoke. 

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to.”  Chloe kept her eyes on Rhys until he was out of view, her insides turning inside out with nerves and mixed emotions. 

“He seems to be very genuine.”  Kester noted.

“Rhys is as exactly as he seems.”  Chloe turned her eyes to Kester, “there’s no games, no hidden agenda.  No lies.”  She sighed and looked back in the direction he’d gone.  “I don’t know what to do with him.”  She bit her top lip again, pulling off a loose bit of skin.  “I want him… but I also want freedom.”  She looked back Kester.  “I feel like such a bitch for thinking that way.”

“You’ve been under the thumb of fear and pain for months now.”  He countered, “It’s very reasonable that you want freedom.” 

“But Rhys.”  She said wistfully and looked back up as if she could still see him running into the distance. 

“Sometimes we don’t realise what we want until we don’t have it.”  Kester said softly.  Chloe turned her eyes slowly to Kester.

“I want both.”  She said firmly, “I know that already.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Machinehead” by Bush _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIF_b4WIlCQ &feature=kp_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIF_b4WIlCQ&feature=kp)

 

“OW!”  Chop exclaimed violently, “FUCK!”  Izzy ignored him and continued to ride him aggressively.  The scratch she’d just done down his chest as she came was beading blood, but Chop had forgotten that, his fingers digging into her breasts, his face a mask of concentration and ecstasy; he had to stop himself from coming too soon.  She pushed his hands away from her violently and leaned down to kiss his lips passionately, Chop’s hands instantly going to her hips.  Izzy sat up and pulled him up with her.  He wrapped his arms around her body and swung his legs off the bed sitting with her straddling him, having not stopped her rhythmic thrusting.  He cupped her arse and stood up, Izzy wrapping her legs around his waist.  Chop slammed her into the wall and thrust into her hard.

“YES CHOP!”  She squealed, her nails scratching up his back.

“FUCK!”  Chop yelled in pain again.  “Jesus woman!”  He said angrily but she just laughed through her loud groans of pleasure.  She reached down and masturbated while he slammed into her, her head banging on the wall sometimes from the force of his thrusts.  Chop’s eyes opened wide.

“Are you rubbing one out while I’m fucking you?”  He asked loudly.

“Yes!”  She answered wildly.

“Holy fuck.”  Chop laughed deliriously happy.  Izzy had never even masturbated; she’d admitted that to him.  And now here she was doing it right in front of him, while he was inside of her.  Chop focused on his breathing like he did in boxing when Finn was kicking his arse and his body ached with pain.  When he focused on his breathing he could keep going and he couldn’t let her down now by coming, even though this was the hottest fuck he’d ever had. 

“Oh fuck!”  Izzy groaned as her body shook violently, her cunt contracting around his cock exquisitely.  Chop couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Oh my baby girl!”  He moaned loudly and Izzy held him to her as he pushed into her as deep as he could coming with load grunts, his face buried in her neck.  “I love you Izzy.”  He moaned as he finished, panting loudly. 

“I love you Arnold.”  She panted in return, her legs still wrapped around him tightly. 

He carried her back to the bed and laid down atop her, kissing her lips deeply, her legs gently unwrapping as he stroked her hair and let his fingers trace down her cheek.  He rolled off her and looked up at the ceiling, a huge dopey grin of satisfaction on his face.  They clasped hands and laid, panting.

“Right.”  Izzy suddenly got up and looked around the room, “Gotta clean up.”

“Can’t we just close the fucking door?”  Chop yawned and stretched out on the bed happily.

“No Chop!”  Izzy answered commandingly, “It’s the first time me parents’ll be really seeing the place.”  Izzy had made him help scrub the entire kitchen, bathroom and lounge room already. 

“Alright.”  He grumbled as he got up and went to the ensuite to deal with the condom. 

“What are you doing?’  She asked as she watched him throw the condom in the bin.

“Throwing the condom out…”  He answered confused.

“Not in that bin Chop!”  She answered irately, “I don’t want me parents to know we’re fucking!”

“I think they already know.”  Chop answered with another yawn; he was always sleepy after sex. 

“Don’t put it in that bin!”  She commanded.

“Alright!”  He replied angrily, “Where the fuck should I put it then?”

“In the rubbish bag from the lounge room.  Then take it down to the skip now.”

“Alright.”  He answered unimpressed with her moodiness. 

“Don’t use that tone with me Arnold!”  She said as she started to make the bed and Chop groaned in frustration and looked up at the ceiling. 

“Baby girl, you’re fucking killing me today.”  He muttered to himself.  This was the third time they’d fucked today, and the eighth time she’d yelled at him about housekeeping.  “Sorry.”  He called out to her.

“Don’t bother saying it if you don’t mean it!”  She yelled at him.  Chop took the condom out into the lounge room without another word and shoved it in the bin with the rubbish from the weekend’s revelries.  Chop pulled his jeans on and headed to the apartment building’s basement where the cars were parked and the huge rubbish skips for all the tenants were located.  He took the stairs down to work off some of his frustration.  He thought about yesterday’s training session and the fact that everyone in the gang seemed to be paired up now.  Chop and Finn had partaken in a constant running commentary to each other, noting every sign that Rhys was utterly smitten with Chloe.  They had decided that at the next all boy session they’d start giving Rhys shit about it; it was too good an opportunity to miss.  It had been a good day.  But Izzy had tired herself out and today she was really cranky; she didn’t like that she was so unfit now.  Rhys had done a lot of research on the best type of recovery program for her and she had been grateful, but frustrated that the ongoing chemo limited her so much.  He jogged back up the seven flights of stairs.  When he got back into the apartment he heard her crying in their bedroom and went to her immediately.

“Izzy?”  He asked and sat on the bed beside her, wrapping his arms around her.  “What’s wrong baby girl?”

“I don’t know.”  She whimpered, “I just started crying.”  She looked up at him, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  He stroked her face and kissed her forehead gently.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.  It’s ok to wanna cry sometimes.”  He tried to comfort her.  But today she really had been not quite right all day.  “Come on.”  He said bracingly, “Let’s get this place spic and span for your parents.”  He helped her up and she sniffed loudly and nodded. 

It only took an hour to finish up cleaning the two bedrooms, the ensuite and the laundry; Izzy’s desire to make everything perfect had been depleted and she seemed to be deeply exhausted. 

“You alright baby girl?”  He asked her as he folded up the legs on the Foosball table and leaned it against the wall.

“I feel like shit.”  She complained.  Chop stopped cutting up the meat they’d bought to cook for dinner and turned to her as she continued to cut vegetables. 

“Feel like shit how?”

“I dunno.”  She sighed, “You probably didn’t notice but I’m feeling a bit moody today.”  The fact that she kept her eyes on the carrot she was cutting was lucky for Chop, because his face became so incredulous that he knew she’d be furious with him.  He arranged his face into the best attempt at neutral curiosity and concern he could.

“Really?”  He asked in the least inflammatory tone he could muster.

“And I just can’t concentrate and… I got this thumping headache.”  Chop started to worry and washed his hands before starting to gently rub Izzy’s temples for her.  She made a content sound and closed her eyes.

“Got any other symptoms?”  He asked, deeply concerned.

“I keep feeling like a fever or something come up in me all sudden like.  And it’s gone.”  She continued, “And me guts feel very unhappy.” 

“D’you think you might puke?”  He asked her.

“Maybe.”  She turned and put her head on his chest.

“Should we take you to the hospital?”  He looked over at the keys hanging at the door. 

“No.”  She groaned, her face buried in his chest, “I think I’m just worried about this fucking dinner.” 

“What can I do?”  He asked, his tongue worrying the space between his front teeth.

“Not a lot.”  She sighed, “Although if you properly made up with me parents that’d help.”

“Yeah well maybe your father should stop being a fucking prat then.” 

“Chop.”  She sounded exhausted and Chop chided himself silently.

“Sorry.”  He answered heavily.  He knew something about having a terrible father.  “But do I really have’ta?”

“Yes Chop!”  She said vehemently, snatching herself out of his arms, “I could die at any moment, we both know that.”  She said angrily, “I have no time to be doing things I don’t wanna do.  And I have no desire to be fighting with me parents.”  She told him firmly, “even if they are wankers sometimes.”  She turned back to the carrot and continued to cut it up for dinner.  Chop took a deep breath and went back to the meat.

“Alright.’  He answered softly.  And Izzy gifted him a wan smile. 

After he’d finished preparing the meat for Izzy he prepared the dining room.  They had brought a collapsible table so that it could be stored in their storage cage downstairs in between parental visits.  They’d also gotten 4 heavy wooden chairs with nice cushioning in mismatched colours from a second-hand store.  These chairs would stay in the room with the Foosball machine in the future.  He covered the table with the table cloth Izzy had chosen and put the candles she’d picked in the centre, lighting them before grabbing plates and cutlery.  Izzy created a rosemary seasoned crumbing for the rack of lamb cutlets Chop had prepared for her and pressed it on to the meat, listening to him singing to himself as he set up the dining room. 

“Did you get some red wine for tonight?”

“Yep.”  Chop answered, “Asked ‘em what the best kind for lamb was and everything.”

“You’re such a good man.”  She grinned as she washed her hands.  He whisked back into the kitchen and swept her up into his arms and they danced in the kitchen as he sung random lines from numerous songs, stringing them all together to make a coherent tune. 

 

 

They were making love, Izzy seated on the kitchen counter, Chop standing between her thighs, tenderly kissing, Izzy moaning loudly with orgasm, Chop just teetering on the edge of orgasm when there was a knock on the door.  Chop came desperately trying to be quite as Izzy started to laugh.

“Just a minute!”  She called loudly before kissing Chop passionately.

“Where d’you want the condom?’  He asked as he withdrew and she jumped off the counter and straightened her dress. 

“Ensuite bin’ll do.”  She answered and he gave her an incredulous look.

“What about them knowing we fuck?”

“Well I thought about it… and I’m sure they already know.”  She shrugged and headed to the door.  Chop watched her with a confused face before realising his cock was still hanging out and she was about to open the door.  He backed out through the kitchen door and removed the condom as he heard Izzy greeting her parents.

“Dirty girl.”  He marvelled at how sweet and innocent she sounded with them as he pushed his cock back into his jeans and headed into the ensuite to dispose of the rubber.  By the time he’d come back, Izzy had poured wine for everyone and Bradley already looked unimpressed. 

“D’you guys wanna have a look around?”  Izzy asked her parents.

“Oh yes please.”  Her mother smiled winningly, “Arnold!”  She cooed when she saw him and gave him a big hug.  Chop saw, over Victoria’s shoulder, Bradley scowling at him and tried to give a welcoming smile to him. 

“How much is the rent on this place?”  Bradley asked as they stood on the balcony with a view over the historic town centre.  It was a beautiful view.

“What?  Why?”  Izzy asked.

“Cos I’m not gonna help you pay for it.”  He answered firmly.  “If you live here you should be paying your share of the rent and bills Isabella.”  He lectured, “Or are you freeloading here?”  Izzy looked truly hurt by his words.  Chop pulled an unimpressed face before remembering he was trying to make up with Bradley. 

“I pay for her because her education is important to both of us.”  Chop answered honestly.  Izzy turned her eyes to him, filled with gratitude and love.

“Hm.”  He said unimpressed, “What are you actually paying for boy?”  Chop knew he had implied something bad by the look of horror on both women’s faces, but he didn’t understand what it was.

“Bradley!”  Victoria admonished sternly, “How dare you?” 

“You saying I’m a whore dad?”  Izzy spat angrily.

“You stay in a man’s house and he pays for everything… what is it you’re doing in return?”  He answered unrepentantly, “just calling a spade a spade.”  Chop felt his hands ball into fists.  It took every ounce of self-control he had to not hit Bradley, but he remembered what Izzy had asked for him to do and tried to smile sweetly.  He could feel that it looked like a threatening smile on his face but he didn’t care. 

“Izzy owns this place actually.”  He said in a surprisingly calm tone.  “I owe her rent for being able to stay here.”  Chop continued, “I pay both of our bills instead.”  The fact that Chop was omitting that he co-owned the place was not important.  Izzy took Chop’s hand and looked defiantly at her father. 

“Don’t be ridiculous!”  Bradley answered, “She can’t afford a place like this.”

“It was a gift.”  Chop answered immediately.

“From who?”  Chop’s smiled increased and Bradley sneered, “You?” 

“That’s right.”  Chop replied and put an arm around Izzy’s shoulders.  She raised her hand to take his; her engagement ring catching Bradley’s eyes.

“You telling me that rock’s real?”  He nodded towards the ring.

“Of course it is.”  Chop answered and nodded towards Victoria’s engagement and wedding rings, “You telling me those aren’t?”

“Of course they are!”  Bradley answered as if deeply offended, “How can you afford a ring like that, you’re just a mechanic?”

“Dad!”  Izzy admonished, “Chop likes being a mechanic.”  She told him. 

“You can’t afford a flat like this and that ring.”  Bradley persisted, “You’re Catholic.”  He said the word as if it were an insult, “And Catholics are always as poor as fuck.”  Izzy and Victoria both looked at Bradley in shock.

“Well someone in me family must o’ married a Protestant, cos we’re rich as fuck.”  He answered and added a big toothy grin afterwards.  “And I’m gonna marry your daughter.  So you better relax pal, cos you and me are gonna be seeing a lot more of each other.”  Bradley scoffed and turned his eyes to Izzy but she was grinning up at Chop. 

“This fool actually makes you happy?”  He asked her and Izzy didn’t even look back to her father.

“Yes.” 

Chop held a hand out to Bradley.  He hesitated but shook Chop’s hand. 

“Now can you please apologise to me fiancé for saying she was a whore.”  Chop said firmly; it wasn’t actually a request.  Bradley looked back at his daughter.

“I’m sorry I said that pumpkin, I was out o’ line.”  Izzy gave him a hug and Victoria looked over at Chop with an approving grin.  “But you do need to earn some money for yourself, be independent, alright?”

“I know dad.  But I gotta finish school first.”

“And university.”  Chop added firmly and Victoria gave him another grin.  Izzy led her father through to the kitchen and Victoria took Chop by the arm.

“He can be an ogre sometimes.”  She admitted with a grim look, “but if you learn how to handle him, he’s a big teddy bear.” 

“Yeah just tell him I’m rich.”  Chop said unhappily.

“I won’t deny it helped.”  She answered, “Are you rich?” 

“Kinda.”  He replied, “Me dad’s a gambler so that part o’ me family is quite poor.  But I got a tidy inheritance from me uncle.  And me grandpa says he’ll leave me another one, cos he says I’m making him proud.”

“Because you’ve made something of yourself despite your father’s failings.”  Victoria answered, “You should be proud of yourself.”  She told him as they dawdled in the lounge room, “You deserve that inheritance.”

“I’d rather that me grandpa live for ever.  He’s a top bloke.”

“Definitely deserve it.”  Victoria said with a fond smile.  “D’you know, I used to be hippy?”  She asked with a sardonic grin.

“Really?”  He chuckled.

“My parents weren’t rich… but they were well off and they had so many plans for me.”  She reminisced, “So of course I absconded and lived in a commune.” 

“How’d you meet Mr. Uptight?”  Chop grinned.

“At an anti-war protest.”

“He was a hippy?”  He laughed. 

“No.  But he’d lost two brothers in war.”  Chop’s face fell.  “And there was still a third out there somewhere.”  She sighed, “He was so passionate and angry… I left the commune and headed back to society to be with him.”  She looked at Chop, “I never regretted that decision.  We change who we are for the people we love.  If they love us as we deserve, we never regret those changes.”  She put a hand on Chop’s face, “I don’t think my Isabella will regret hers either.”  Victoria had always had a soft spot for Chop and she enjoyed seeing him grow into a young man like this, getting his life together and taking care of the woman he loved. 

“I’m very lucky to have her.”  Chop answered.

“Remember that every day and you two will be just fine.”  Victoria answered, “Especially remember it when she’s driving you crazy.  She can be quite stubborn.”

“Oh I know!”  Chop laughed.  And they went into the kitchen happily.  The first thing he noticed was Izzy’s hand on her lower stomach, rubbing gently.  She was feeling unwell.  Bradley was chatting away and hadn’t noticed.  As soon as Chop came into the room she smiled gratefully.

“I just gotta go to the bathroom.”  She said softly.  Chop watched her leave and noticed blood running down the inside of her thigh, just visible below the hemline of her lose skirt.  Chop tried not to show his concern and poured them both another drink. 

“I think I heard Izzy call me.”  He said softly and left them at the dining room table.  He found her sitting on the toilet, one foot on the basin, a wet flannel cleaning her thighs slowly. 

“What is it?”  He asked.

“I think me period’s started again.”  She answered shocked.  Chop looked at her for a moment.

“Well that’s… that’s good news isn’t it?”  He asked slowly.  He remembered all the talks about how chemotherapy could affect her fertility.  They’d expected her menstruation to stop and they’d been told that once she was in the third phase, the sooner it started up again the better.  Both had been acutely aware that it might never start up again and she might be menopausal at 17.  Izzy had been prepared for that outcome, not to be getting her period less than a week after discharge from the hospital. 

“Could be.”  She grinned.  They had to talk to her doctors to be sure, “But what I can tell you for sure, is that I have got the worst cramps I’ve ever had.”  She said softly.  Chop opened the bottom drawer in the bathroom drawers; all of their medications were in this draw.

“What d’you need?”  He asked feeling slightly ecstatic; Izzy might still be fertile. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘The Beautiful People’ by Marilyn Manson _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypkv0HeUvTc&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypkv0HeUvTc&feature=kp)

 

“Right girls.  Now that me hair situation’s under control again, I’m heading down to curvy girl boutique to pick up me dress.  Gotta hide it till London.”  Rae pulled a face then grinned. 

“Finn’s gonna love you in that dress.”  Chloe said before she headed into Rosie, “Meet you at ‘red eye.’”  Chloe said and closed the door behind her.  Rae turned to Izzy.

“You’ll be right?”

“Yep.”  She grinned.

“See you at red eye.”  Rae left the waxer and enjoyed the way her hairless legs felt against her jeans.  She stepped out into the street and looked up and down the road before turning left towards curvy girl boutique.  Rae was excited to finally get the violet dress she’d put on lay-by months ago.  She walked in and Sarah was behind the counter.

“Heya Rae!”  She said with a huge grin, her thick Irish accent making Rae instantly happy. 

“Hey!”  Rae grinned, “It’s happening today.”  Sarah was literally the cutest human being when she clapped her hands in excitement. 

“Oh that’s exciting!”  She gushed, “Let me get it from out the back.”  She unlocked the door behind the counter and disappeared for a few minutes, returning with Rae’s beautiful 1950’s inspired dress.  “Now, does it need fitting?” 

“No, it already fits like a glove!”  Rae answered happily and produced the last £15.

“I wish I’d worked here when they brought this line out.”  Sarah sulked, “I’d o’ snapped it up in no time!”  Rae looked around the store, noticing a beautiful high-waisted pencil skirt that she’d seen Elsa wearing.

“I’m sure you’ll survive!”

“Oh aye!”  She grinned.  “Especially since we get a 50% discount.”

“You what?”  Rae asked, stunned.  “Got any jobs going?”  She joked.

“Aye, Katie goes on maternity leave in September.”  Sarah answered happily, “Want me to put in a word to Michelle for you?”

“Oh aye!”  Rae said enthusiastically.  “I’ll be away in London for a bit, but I’ll be back before September for a work trial if she wants.”

“I’ll give her your number.”  Sarah said as she bagged up the dress.  “It’d be so fun working with you.  And you could teach me more about music.” 

“Yeah!”  Rae agreed, “I’ll see you around Sarah.”  Rae stepped out of the store feeling particularly good and headed towards red eye.

Up ahead a glimmering image of perfection stepped out of the lingerie store that never stocked Rae’s size.  She wore a yellow sundress, her brown hair bouncing down her back as she walked down the street toward Rae. 

“Oh shit.”  Rae breathed as she recognised Olivia. 

“Rae!”  Olivia suddenly said, her voice exuberant and sounding pleased to see her.  She raised her hand to wave to her.  Rae grinned tightly and waved back, knowing that as soon as they were close enough Olivia would talk to her.

“Hi Olivia.”  Rae said as Olivia kissed her cheek happily. 

“Rae, how are you?” 

“Oh you know.”  Rae answered, her mind filling up with all the things Finn had said about Olivia. 

_I’m so sorry for Olivia Rae._

_She was so beautiful.  I understand why you’d want to be with her._

_It weren’t like that._

“You?”  Rae’s voice cracked slightly and she cleared her throat. 

“I’m great!”  She answered with a huge smile.

_Olivia were giving me signs that she were keen on me.  I weren’t even slightly interested.  I just kept thinking about you Rae._

“Been doing anything interesting?”  Rae wanted to kick herself for not just saying goodbye straight away.

_I ain’t listening to anything that she saying to me; she pretty boring.  She weren’t you._

“Oh yeah!”  Olivia said, “My sister just gave birth.  Cutest little thing you can imagine.”

_I dunno what happened but… until then… I think I had hope that it were all a mistake and we’d end up back together.  I were feeling pretty shite, but after what Chlo said… you was fucking Liam… I were gutted_

“Oh aye!”  Rae said as happily as she could.

_I… kinda lost myself a bit.  I took Olivia to her car._

“Little munchkin is only a month old but he’s already ruling the house.”  Olivia was such a nice genuine person.  Rae felt her insides clenching. 

_And… I fucked her.  Hard.  In the back seat._

“That’s what babies are like.”  Rae answered numbly with a huge fake smile.

_I took her from behind cos I didn’t want’a see her face._

“It’s made me quite clucky and I never used to be!”  She laughed.  “I just need to find a man now.” 

_And every time she turned to look at me over her shoulder, I’d stop her._

“Well that would help.”  Rae answered softly.

_I hated her._

“D’you still have contact with Finn?”  She asked and Rae raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth slowly.

_I tried to fuck you out of me system Rae._

“Yeah.”  Rae answered awkwardly, “I still see him.”  She furrowed her brows, not sure how much to tell Olivia, “Quite a bit.”

_The first time I had sex, I hated the women it were with.  I hated her cos she weren’t you.  It weren’t what I imagined it’d be._

“Great!”  Olivia beamed, “Can you tell him I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to him, but with work and becoming an aunt I’ve been run off my feet!  But that I’m keen for the dinner date we tried to organise and that this Friday night at our place would be perfect.”  She grinned.

_So after that we kinda fell into dating._

“Our place?”  Rae asked, “Wait, what?”  She shook her head, “Dinner date?”  Rae tried to keep the angry tone out of her voice.

_I decided that I should try to put you behind me and that I’d give it a real go with Olivia._

“The restaurant we met in.”  Olivia said, “It was quite romantic really.”  She told Rae, “He’s a great listener.”  Rae nodded slowly. 

_She were a nice lass really._

“So you guys are gonna get back together?”  Rae asked incredulously.

_She just weren’t for me._

“I hope so.”  Rae took in her hopeful face and narrowed her eyes. 

“Why would you want to?”  She asked, the things Finn had said churning through her mind.  Olivia looked around the street to make sure no one was looking.

“He’s quite a good lover.”  She said in hushed tones.  “I miss that about him.”

“Yeah I know.”  Rae answered suddenly and Olivia pulled back slightly.

“You’ve…?”  She paused and gave an incredulous look.  “I thought you two were just friends…?”  She furrowed her eyebrows. 

“Why would you wanna get with a guy who fucked you from behind and wouldn’t look at you?”  Olivia’s mouth opened in surprise and she shook her head.

“That is none of your business!”  She hissed, “And that wasn’t the way it always was.”  She added, “Sometimes he was rough like that, but other times he was so gentle he’d nearly cry from it.”  She said pointedly, “I doubt he ever had that much emotion for you!”  She said angrily, “He was probably just using you.”  She looked Rae over and looked shocked about the whole conversation.

“Oh aye?”  Rae said stunned, a sinking sensation in her stomach. 

_Finn’s been tender and cried with Olivia?_

“I’m sorry Rae.”  She said suddenly, “That was so wrong and so rude of me to say!”  She looked genuinely apologetic and Rae shrugged, “I just can’t believe he told anyone about that.”  She explained and Rae put on a false smile.

“It’s fine.”  She answered quietly, “But you’re better off waiting until early September for your dinner date.”  Rae kept her eyes lowered, “I hear he’s going to London for the school holidays.”

“Great.  Can you tell him the first Friday night of September, at 7pm?”

“Yeah I will.”  Rae still didn’t look up.

“Rae I’m really sorry.”  Olivia tried again, “It was such a nasty thing to say, I’m not normally like that.”  She took Rae’s hand in hers, “I didn’t mean it.”  She lowered her eyes, “I was a bit jealous that he’d been with someone else.”  She said softly and Rae scoffed.

“You guys haven’t been together for a while.  O’ course he’s been with someone else, looking the way he does.”  Rae told herself as much as Olivia. 

“Of course…” Olivia said slowly, “please forgive me Rae.” 

“It’s fine.”  Rae answered.

“Oh you’ve had a taste of him, you know what it’s like to want him to yourself!”  She tried to explain again, “I didn’t mean to be a bitch.”  Rae nodded and looked up into Olivia’s eyes.

“And what makes you think that he wasn’t just using you for sex?”

“Well…”  Olivia stopped, stunned at the idea, “Well we had a relationship.”  She answered.

“And what makes you think that Finn and I don’t?”  Olivia almost managed to conceal her scoff and Rae shook her head and looked away. 

“Well, because you guys are such good mates.”  Olivia answered, “Neither of you would wanna ruin the friendship, right?”  Rae turned her eyes back to Olivia.

“O’ course.”  She answered and Olivia’s slightly worried look instantly turned to happiness.  “You guys must o’ had something real special for those few weeks.”  Olivia narrowed her eyes slightly and then smiled stiffly.

“Well I think I’ll go now.”  She kissed Rae’s cheek, “Have a fabulous day!”  She said almost genuinely and Rae watched her leave.

_Stupid Olivia with her perfect body and her beautiful face and her…_

_And how fucking deluded was she?_

Rae watched her walking away, but she couldn’t stop the niggling thought from resurfacing.

_Finn made tender love to her and cried._

_What?_

_That can’t be true…_

She pushed the thought from her mind, turned and headed to red eye, the tiny music shop selling CDs, tape, records, videos, band merchandise and bongs and marijuana if you knew how to ask for it.  It had an amazing selection of music and Rae always found so many things she wanted when she was there.  She had been saving up her money for some time, including the money that Gary would slip her.  At first she’d tried to refuse it, but Finn had told her it was no use.  She’d managed to not only pay off her dress, but save £100.  She was going to get at £50 gift card for Finn and the other fifty quid… well she had a plan for that too.  When she got to the store Izzy and Chloe were inside having cut through the car park to come through the back entrance to the store.

“Raemundo!”  Benji called out from behind the counter.  Ben was one of Chop’s mates, he’d gone to Knebworth, he also supplied the pot and the gig tickets. 

“Benji, me lad!”  He jumped over the counter and gave her a hug.  “How you been?” 

“Got Chops tickets for the V festival.”  He grinned.

“Well that finalises the plans for our holidays!”  Rae grinned over at Izzy and Chloe who were looking at CDs quietly.  They both looked nervous; red eye was a place for music experts, and they were absolute novices by the standards held here. 

“Might come along!”  He added.  Izzy and Chloe wondered over.

“That’d make Chop happy.”  Izzy answered and Benji blinked at her.

“When d’you ladies get here?”  He drew them into a hug and Chloe gave Rae an amused look; Benji was clearly hammered again. 

“A little while ago.”  Chloe answered.  Benji guffawed happily and went back to his counter and climbed over it.  He could walk around, but he never did.  That wasn’t benji’s style.  He produced the tickets and handed them to Rae.

“Eight?”  She asked.

“He said something about boyfriends might be coming?”  He shrugged and Rae turned her eyes to Chloe.

“Guess I better invite him then.”  She said with a small grin, “But he’s not me boyfriend.”  Rae raised her eyebrows and looked away.

“Didn’t say he was.”  She answered with a repressed smile.  “I also need to get fifty quid gift card for Finn.”  She told Benji and he shook his head.

“If it’s for our Finn, you can have double that.”  He wrote out the gift card for £100 and handed it to her, only taking £50 in return.

“Won’t you get in trouble?”  Izzy asked.

“They won’t notice!”  He laughed, “Too baked.” 

“Thanks Benji.”  Rae said with a huge grin, “How am I gonna repay you?”

“Buy me a drink one day!”  He laughed and she nodded.

“At the V Festival.”

“Done and dusted!”  He agreed with a stoned grin. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘These Arms of Mine’ by Otis Redding _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sBoUZ6gMkc>

 

Archie’s insides tingled and fizzed; sung even.  They had been kissing, making love with just their mouths, for hours, fully clothed, just kissing.  Archie stopped to look in Tom’s eyes and he was greeted by a lazy, happy smile.  Tom reached up and stroked Archie’s face. 

“What were we supposed to be doing?”  Archie asked with a shy grin. 

“This seems about right to me.”  Tom ran his hand slowly down Archie’s side and nestled himself against Archie closer and Archie felt an ache inside; at the very core of his being.  He felt a deep, yearning need for Tom.

“I need you.”  Tom said softly, looking at Archie’s lips and then back to his eyes.  “I haven’t needed anyone since I was 15 and could hold a job down.  Got outta my parents’ house quick smart and haven’t looked back.”  He grinned, “Haven’t… needed anyone since.”  Archie stroked his hair and smiled happily.  “But I simply can’t do without you.” 

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”  Archie said honestly. 

“You know, I’ve noticed that we seem to be… very… synchronised?”  Tom said, “Not the right word…”

“In tune.”  Archie said, “We’re soul mates.”  He grinned.

“I don’t believe in soul mates.”  Tom answered cheekily.

“Except for us.”  Archie said firmly, as if it were never in question.

“Of course!”  Tom laughed.  “From the first moment I met you…”  Tom shook his head, “You had me.”

“You know, when I looked at you in your car after that shite with Simmy, I thought you looked like some sort of Greek god.”  Archie laughed.

“Oh yeah?”  Tom chuckled, “Glad my looks finally paid off for me.”  He stroked Archie face.

“You’re even more beautiful now.”  Archie laid his weight down on Tom and Tom wrapped his arms around him.

“When I first saw you, I saw this awkward vulnerable lion that hadn’t realised he was king of the jungle yet.”  Tom looked over at Archie’s glasses on the coffee table and saw their reflection, laying across the lounge, in the television screen.  “So if I’m a Greek god, would you be Prometheus or Coeus?” 

“Going for titans huh?’  Archie laughed.

“Well you could be Eros…”  Tom kissed his forehead and Archie laughed.

“Been doing your research?”  Archie asked impressed.

“I know you like that kind of stuff.”  Tom admitted, “You could be Zeus; the god of all gods.” 

“Oh right?”  Archie chuckled, “Well you’re definitely Eros!” 

“Alright, and who gets to sleep with Eros?”

“I think everyone does.”  Archie said drolly and Tom broke out into laughter. 

“So I guess you’re my everyone then.” 

“I thought you wanted to do some threesomes and foursomes.”  Archie asked, “Hardly makes me your everyone.” 

“Yeah I s’pose.”  Tom shrugged, “Don’t have to.”  He caught Archie’s eye, “I’ve done them before so I’m used to doing that kind of thing but…” He shrugged. “I mean, do you want to?”

“I dunno.”  Archie answered honestly, “I mean I quite like the idea of picking up a lad and schooling him together.”

“Oh yeah?”  Tom gave him a wicked grin.

“But then… I think I like just having you to myself.”

“I am of the same mind.”  Tom replied almost whimsically, “So, I leave it up to you.”

“Let’s just play it by ear.”  Archie answered with a shrug.

“Sounds perfect.”  Tom said, “I knew you’d come up with the perfect answer.” 

“I can’t believe you researched Greek gods.”  Archie replied with a wry grin.

“Gotta keep you interested.”  Tom joked.

“You don’t need to try for that.  Trust me.” 

“No but I do.”  Tom said seriously, “I’ve never done this whole, stay together thing.  At all.  Let alone with the idea of it being for the rest of our lives.”  Archie was surprised to detect a hint of vulnerability in his voice.  “I don’t want you to get bored of me.”

“Impossible.”  Archie reassured him.

“And I want to anyway.”  Tom shrugged, “I like knowing all about the things you like.” 

“Well you’ll have to teach me how to program a computer.”  Archie joked, already knowing his answer.  He watched Tom pull a face and make a disgusted noise.

“That’s a job, not something I like.”  He looked up at Archie’s face, “Fucking tease.”  He laughed.  “You know I hate it!”

“You need to get a career you love.” 

“I’ve never thought about it because I’ve just been working since I was 15.”  He said honestly, “Working and saving my money.”  He grinned, “So I could take my boyfriend overseas.”

“I’ve got a little bit of money saved too!”  Archie laughed. 

“Even if you didn’t.”  Tom shrugged, “I don’t mind.”  He stretched a little and Archie shifted his weight before they melted comfortably back into each other. 

“So… what would you do if you could do what you loved?”  Archie persisted.

“You know Rhys and I were talking about opening up our own training gym.”  Archie detected that Tom was testing the waters with him, “Get away from Dean and those dickheads.”  Tom mulled it over, “you know Dean told Rhys he was a shit trainer for not hitting up Rae harder so she’d lose weight.”

“What a fucking arse.”  Archie replied angrily.

“Dean likes his women how his dick is.”  Tom grinned.

“Too skinny.”  Archie laughed. 

“You know, I agree with Rhys’s philosophy; it’s more important and productive to be focussing on health and wellbeing than what size a person is.”  He shook his head, “I told Dean that, told him Rae was quite healthy and he scoffed and said,” Tom mimicked Dean’s voice, “’No fat bird can be healthy.”

“Ugh.”  Archie pulled a face.  “Wanker.”

“We thought we could open a gym that was more friendly to women.  The boxing joint is quite man focused.”  Tom continued, “And Rhys was interested in health for differently abled people as well.”  He grinned thoughtfully, “A more inclusive sort o’ place.” 

“Is that what you wanna do?”

“Yeah.”  Tom said honestly, a touch of fear in his voice, “I really do.  It’s such a good idea and Rhys is such a great trainer.”  He took a deep breath, “And working for myself would be far nicer than working for a bunch o’ knob heads.”

“But?”

“But what if it fails?”  He asked with a grimace.

“It won’t.”  Archie said resolutely. 

“I hope so.”  Tom said, “Cos I just gave half my money to Rhys to buy some premises and get it started.”  Tom said softly and Archie shot up and looked at him in surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah… well…”  Tom said shyly, “You got me thinking I can do just about anything Archie.”  He bit his bottom lip and grinned, “So… so I’m doing it.” 

“That’s amazing!”  Archie kissed Tom passionately and Tom’s entire body responded to Archie’s lips.  He groaned deeply. Archie settled back into Tom’s arms with a happy grin.

“It’ll be at least six months till the place is ready to open.”  Tom said, “So we got plenty of time to head overseas in that time.” 

“Don’t you need to be here?”

“Not for all of it, I’ve already talked it over with Rhys.”  He stroked Archie’s hair and Archie could feel his body go tense, could almost feel Tom’s blood thumping in his veins, “I’m kinda hoping it’s the last decision I have to make by myself.”  He added softly.

“What d’you mean?”  Archie furrowed his brows.

“I was thinking… wondering…”  Tom cleared his throat and looked away.  Archie had never seen him nervous like this and he grinned stupidly, enchanted by everything Tom did.

“Wondering?”  He prodded.

“Wondering…”  Tom turned his eyes back to Archie, “If maybe… you wanted to move in with me?”  Archie raised his eyebrows and stared at Tom for a long moment, “It’s ok if you don’t.”  Tom said softly and lowered his eyes momentarily, “I mean, we got plenty of time for that.”  He looked back up at Archie, “It’s just that those nights that you’re not here… those nights are getting harder.”  Archie opened his mouth in surprise.

“Seriously?”  Archie asked in disbelief.  Tom had always been a very free spirit, not to be held down in things like relationships.  Archie had known that before he’d agreed to go out with Tom.  Archie had known that even as he fell in love with Tom.  Archie knew that now, as his mind scrambled to realise that Tom had fallen as hard and as fast as he himself had. 

“Archibald Alexander Kristoff Milton,” Archie laughed and Tom grinned, “Will you move in with me?”

“Yeah.”  Archie answered nodding his head slowly, “Yeah I will.”  Tom’s lips were on Archie’s instantly, his kisses sweet and insistent.  Archie’s mind was blissfully blank for a few moments as they poured their love into each other.  After a while thoughts and worries crowded into Archie’s blissful reverie and he pulled back and looked Tom in the eye.

“But I don’t earn a lot of money from the leisure centre.”  He said and pulled a face.

“That’s alright, you can be a kept man.”  Tom laughed.

“No but I wanna pay me own way.”

“Well Rhys was saying we should offer you and Chop and Finn jobs at our place when it opens.”  He said with a grin, “That’ll help.” 

“But when I’m at uni…?”

“We’ll figure something out.”  Tom shrugged, “Besides, the way I understand relationships is that whatever’s mine is yours now Archie.”  Tom said simply.  “I’m not gonna complicate things by worrying about things like money.”  Tom told him, “I can afford to support you until you earn millions with your university education.”  Archie laughed. 

“Hardly millions!”  Archie laughed, “I don’t think my field of interest is one that makes a lot of money.”

“Oh well.’  Tom said, “I’ll hold onto my other jobs until the business takes off.”  He shrugged, “I own this flat, so we’ll always have a roof over our heads.”  He said, “We’ll make it work.” 

“I believe you.”  Archie grinned and leaned in for a kiss which Tom gratefully returned. 

“Let’s make love.”  Tom whispered to him.  Archie groaned in agreement.

“But later on I’m trying you down and working you over.”  Archie said with that devastatingly sexy grin of his that Tom adored. 

“Oh you’re a man after me own heart Archibald!”  They moulded their bodies together in a comfortable embrace and kissed slowly, sensually, for some time before they began to undress each other.  Archie didn’t even think about what his parents would say, or what the gang would say, he didn’t care really, he knew he was making the right decision. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Sour Times’ by Portishead  _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niIcxMuORco&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niIcxMuORco&feature=kp)

 

Finn took a moment to really appreciate the sun on his bare torso and watched Rae as she thoughtfully rubbed the soapy cloth over the bonnet of the car.  She reached up as high up the bonnet as she could, leaning her chest on the already sudsy car and Finn grinned expectantly.  As soon as she stood up from her work he bit his bottom lip, watching the way the now wet shirt clung to her breasts.  He dunked his own cloth in his bucket of soapy water and started on the roof.  She didn’t notice her shirt clinging to her chest and Finn continued to steal glances at her, noting that her face was staying serious. 

“What you thinking ‘bout my serious girl?”  He looked over again as he worked. 

“Still can’t believe Jeff Buckley’s dead.” 

“Aye me either.”  Finn reflected sadly. 

“I suppose it’s only been 2 months.  It’ll take time to…”  She took a deep breath and sighed.  “I haven’t been this upset since Kurt Cobain died though.”  She said glumly and Finn grinned to himself.

“Grunge is shite.”  He teased, not really meaning it, but knowing it riled her up.

“Not the original stuff!”  She said angrily, “Alright nowadays people trying to do it is just kinda sad, but back in the day-”

“Back in the day.”  Finn laughed and Rae threw her cloth at him in response. 

“You really wanna play that game girl?”  He asked, easily catching her cloth.  She picked up her bucket and threw the water at him so suddenly that he was left soaked, Rae laughing uproariously, the empty bucket dangling from her hand.  Finn gasped and looked down at the water dripping from his body.

“It’s on girl!”  He warned, Rae dashed behind their car and Finn bypassed the bucket and went straight for the hose.

“That’s cheating!”  She cried out when she saw him turning on the tap, water spurting from the hose in a strong torrent. 

“I gotta win somehow!”  He chased her up the side of the car, Rae screaming the whole way, and caught her around the waist, pointing the hose at her chest while Rae laughed loudly.  He let her go and sprayed her backside with the hose before she turned around to try and grab the hose from him.  Finn aimed it at her groin and Rae hit his arm, knowing what he was doing.  She grabbed the hose head and they fumbled with it, the head popping off and spraying them both with water.  Their loud giggles were suddenly cut through by Linda’s shrill voice.

“Water isn’t free, you two!”  She called from the front door.

“Sorry mum.”  Rae said seriously as Linda turned to go back inside, muttering under her breath.  Linda had been more money conscious lately; having two daughters to pay for was proving to be difficult, and having to feed Finn half the time was really not cheap.  Rae filled up the buckets again and put some car wash detergent in them.  Finn put on his best serious face and continued to wash the car, his eyes on Rae’s body as her clothes clung to her perfectly. 

“So Benji got the tickets for the V festival and Chop’s shouting us all.”  Rae told him and Finn nodded.

“Well we better make sure Chop doesn’t have to pay for his own booze or… other stuff at the gig.”  Finn replied and Rae nodded emphatically. 

“So it’s on the 16th and 17th.”  Rae was planning their August rapidly and Finn grinned happily, listening to her.  “So we’ll head down to London on the 13th.  That’s the Wednesday.”

“Chop can’t get that much work off.”  Finn answered.

“No that’s alright, I want us to have the night alone.”

“Well we can head up on Thursday for that…”

“No it has to be Wednesday.”  Rae said firmly, thinking about what Rhys had said.

“Ok…”  Finn answered slowly, catching on that she had something planned.  “Maybe we can go up on the 12th.”  He said, “Give us plenty o’ time.”

“Good plan.”  She grinned happily, “I’ll tell Chlo and Arch that they can head down on Thursday or Friday.”  She said firmly and Finn nodded.

“And Chop and Izzy can’t come till Friday, but he’s managed to get the whole next week off.”

“Go’ Joe’s good to him!”  Rae marvelled; Chop had taken a lot of time off due to Izzy’s illness.  “So we’ll head back on the 24th then.”  She figured out the dates in her head.

“It’s Chop’s birthday on the 21st.”

“Oh fuck he’s gonna wanna go huge!”  Rae laughed.  “So we’re celebrating the three boy birthdays!”  She mused, “I do hope it’s suitably epic.”

“I have a feeling we’re prob’ly not gonna remember most of it.”  Finn answered with a satisfied expression. 

“Most likely.”  Rae agreed.

“We gotta head to my place after this.”  Finn told her and Rae looked over at him questioningly.  “Dad’s picking up something for me this after.”  Finn said, “Something I got professionally done.”  He grinned at her concerned face.  “They’ll be all wrapped up so he can’t see them.”  Finn reassured her. 

“What are they?”  Rae furrowed her eyebrows and Finn started to hose off the car. 

“Wanna wax it?”  He deliberately ignored her question.

“Oh aye, and buff up the silver.”  She told him and leaned back on the garage door.

“Oh so I’m doing it?”  He laughed.

“Well I’ve never waxed a car before, I don’t know how to.”

“I’ll show you.”  He said, “It’s not that hard.” 

 

 

It took them an hour to finished waxing and buffing the car and cleaning the inside.  Rae lovingly applied leather protector to the seats and dashboard protector to the dash and steering wheel; Finn had supplied all the cleaners and protectors for her. 

“I’ll give her a good service after the holidays.”  Finn told Rae as they finished up.  “Right,” He turned to Rae, “Let’s have a nice hot shower, and we’ll take the bike back to mine yeah?” 

They climbed the stairs to Rae’s room, Linda making loud tutting noises about the water they were dripping through the house.  Rae peeled her wet clothes off and Finn was almost sorry to see them go.  But he much preferred her naked anyway.  He looked over at the closed curtain and sighed internally.  He’d been keeping a lookout for cars parked in the only spot that could see in through her window, but hadn’t seen any.  Still, he felt safer keeping the curtains closed in Rae’s room too.  They were never open now.  He’d be glad when they moved into a place together and they could put this place behind them.  He stripped off his pants and Rae gathered them all together, planning to put them in the laundry before they left. 

“I got you a little something.”  He said and went to his backpack.  He took out a book and passed it to her.  Rae looked down at it and grinned happily.  It was a new diary.  “I saw your old one was pretty much full up.”  He smiled that closed mouthed grin of his.

“I love you.”  Rae kissed him, Finn happily wrapping his arms around her waist, “Thank you.”  Rae felt a little choked up; he understood how important the diaries were.  “Do you wanna read it?”  She asked him and he shrugged.

“I don’t need to.” 

“I don’t mind if you do.”  She told him honestly.

“I know.”  Finn took in her face, feeling wonderfully content with life, “but it’s good for you to have a private space that’s only yours.”  He kissed her lips gently, “I love you Miss Earl.”  He whispered to her softly.  “C’mon.”  They laced their fingers through each other’s and headed for the shower, Finn putting it on before peeing.  Rae looked in the mirror while she waited for it to warm up, her eyes fell to the scars around her neck almost instantly, as they always seemed to do nowadays. 

_We survived._

She told her reflection silently.

_And he’s not coming back_

Her internal voice sounded firm and confident.

_We’re safe._

She turned her eyes to Finn as he finished up and flushed the toilet.  She told herself these three things every day, multiple times.  Kester had talked about post-traumatic stress disorder to both of them and she knew that they were both exhibiting symptoms of it, but she also knew that they’d get through this together.  She had spoken to Kester about Finn’s unreasonable temper and fear about her being alone, and his jealousy over Phil; how they had seemed amplified and Kester had said that it was very possible that this was due to Finn’s PTSD.  It was the nightmares that were the worst though.  And they were getting progressively worse for Rae; more abstract and strangely horrifying.  But as Kester had said; you can’t have a man threaten your life, nearly kill you, then escape, and have no side effects.  Side effects; that made Rae think of how much Kester had been smelling of alcohol since Liam’s not-suicide attempt.  She sighed and blew a raspberry at herself, noticing Finn, already in the shower, watching her, she poked her tongue out at him and he raised his eyebrows suggestively.  As soon as she was in the shower they were kissing, Finn gently pushing her against the wall, pressing his body against her.  Rae groaned happily and wrapped her arms around his neck, pushing her pelvis into him.  Finn’s hand travelled down her body, so familiar to him now, but no less exciting and awe-inspiring.  His fingertips travelled through her pubic hair and slid between the warm folds of her cunt.  He started to rub her clitoris in exactly the way he knew she liked, kissing her neck passionately.  Rae was breathing lustily, her body aching to have sex with him.  It was strange how she ached for him as if she’d never had sex with him before, still after all these months.  She focused on his fingers on her clitoris, ready for the pleasure to start building up in her.  But it wasn’t.  Finn continued to kiss her neck, now licking from between her breasts up to her chin, he enjoyed doing that and she quite liked it too.  Her body felt ready for sex, she felt excited and ready for stimulation… But what Finn was doing wasn’t working.  She knew that it should be working; this is what he normally did and she normally loved it.  She shifted her weight slightly, seeing if that would help him hit a better angle or something.  He paused, sensing her confusion, her lack of full arousal and pleasure.

“Alright girl?”  He asked and slid his fingers from her clitoris to inside of her.  The minute he did that she groaned happily and he gave her a slightly confused look. 

“Yeah.”  She sighed as he moved his fingers inside of her.  Rae rolled her head back and felt the pleasure finally building in her body.  Finn watched her for a moment, worried that she had taken so long to get going but then shrugged it off and dove into kissing her breasts.  Rae felt that she knew what was wrong; she couldn’t have clitoral orgasms while standing up because her legs shook too much, so her body had just shut that down for her.  That made sense.  Because she could orgasm vaginally standing up, and as soon as he’d gotten his fingers off her clitoris and into her vagina the pleasure had flared through her insides.  She didn’t let herself think about the many times he’d made her cum in the shower, leaned up against her, his weight helping her hold herself up when she came and her legs shook violently.  She just enjoyed the pleasure and the feel of him kissing and touching her.  She focused on the way he felt under hands and closed her eyes, letting her other senses take over. 

Finn kissed down her body and knelt before her, Rae lacing her fingers through his hair, he lifted up her leg and started to lick happily at her pussy.  Rae groaned, the pleasure was intense. 

“Finn.”  She gasped, and he knew she couldn’t cum from oral standing up, but he did like to push it as far as he could.  He could feel her body tensing up with the pleasure and saw her grasp hold of the shower head, in fear her legs wouldn’t hold her up anymore.  He stopped abruptly and got up, kissing her lips.

“Finish this at my house, yeah?”  He said and got out of the shower without waiting for a reply.

“Arsehole.”  She said to his back and he chuckled.  Rae didn’t let herself think about the fact that when Finn put his mouth on her clitoris while she was standing up that didn’t seem to stop the pleasure like his fingers touching her there had.  No, she pushed the thought from her mind and just watched the way his body moved as he dried himself. 

 

 

When they got to Finn’s house, Finn picked up a package that had been left on the kitchen table for him.  Gary was nowhere to be seen, and grateful for not having to make small-talk when she was so horny, Rae immediately headed upstairs, Finn followed with a knowing smile on his face.  She sat on the bed and let her eyes fall upon the package in Finn’s hand.

“What’s in your package?”  She asked suggestively.  Finn chuckled and unwrapped it slowly as he walked to the far wall above his desk.  Rae noticed that there were three nails in the wall and cocked her head to the side; they were new.  Finn turned to look at her with a huge grin.

“I finally finished them.”  He said and held up the first of three charcoal drawings of her from the live model session she’d done.  They were 60 by 80 centimetres, portrait orientation.  He leaned over his table and hung them on his wall, the standing one central, the seated one to the left, the lying one to the right. 

“You can’t put them on your wall!”  Rae said in horror, “Your dad’ll see ‘em!” 

“Can’t see this wall from the door.”  Finn said, clearly having thought it through, “And he doesn’t come in past the door anymore.”  Rae felt herself drawn to look at them and slowly crept across the room to him, her eyes glued to the drawings. 

“Wow.”  She breathed, barely making a sound, but Finn turned his eyes from his drawings to her. 

“Cost a bundle to get ‘em framed.”  He shook his head, “Can’t believe how much they charge!”  He looked back at them, “But they’re worth it.”  Rae took in his drawings of her, clearly drawn by the hand of someone who loved her, but strangely accurate down to the stretchmarks on her stomach. 

“You flatter me in ‘em.”  She cocked her head to the side, unable to believe she looked that good.

“I drew you honestly.”  He answered firmly.  “As you are.”  He watched her from the corner of his eye “Y’are beautiful you know.” 

“They’re so sexual.”  She said, blushing to think that nearly 30 people had seen her like this.

“Well you were eye-fucking me the whole time.”  He grinned and she chuckled softly. 

“I was.”  She admitted.

“It was very sexy.”  He laced his arm around her waist and she kept looking at the drawings taking in every line of them.

“They’re beautiful.”  She said after a long while.

“Well that’s cos the subject matter is beautiful.”  He watched a pleased grin turn up the corners of her mouth.

“No I mean you’re really talented.”  She told him, still pleased that she looked so good in them. 

“I worked hard at it.”  He said honestly, “it’s not talent.  It’s hard work.  But I loved every minute of it.” 

“Well you can draw me whenever you want.”  She said suddenly, “Gotta keep your skills sharp.”

“Good cos I wanna draw you naked next.”  She turned to face him and raised her eyebrows.

“As long as it doesn’t go up on the wall!”

“I promise.”  He grinned.  “I wish I’d learned oil paints though.”  He lamented with a sigh.  “I miss Janice.”

“Yeah.”  Rae looked back at the artworks, “But we’ll see her again.  It must be hard moving to London and starting a new job.”  Rae comforted them both, “We’ll hear from her soon.  I know it.”

“Aye.”  Finn said sadly, not sure if he believed it.  He understood Janice’s departure better than Rae; he’d done it himself when he’d fled to Leeds.  “Now where were we Mrs Nelson?”  He asked her and drew her into his arms, tilting his pelvis towards her.  Rae groaned and looked back at his bed, Finn lifted her up again and she so wanted to wrap her legs around him, but she was scared to, in case he couldn’t handle her weight when she moved.  They fell onto the bed together Finn pulling at her clothes instantly.  His hand crept down to her cunt and he groaned happily when his fingers found her wet and ready for him. 

“Little bit horny are you?”  He asked and she groaned.

“You know I am!”  She hissed in mock anger.  Finn traced his fingers around her clitoris and Rae instantly felt nothing.  She felt her stomach clench in panic a moment later and felt her mind pulling in a direction she didn’t want it to go.  She shook her head softly, to focus and pushed down on Finn’s shoulders.  He chuckled, not having picked up on her moment of discomfort.

“Demanding aren’t you?”  He grinned.

“Go down.”  She ordered and a lusty light came into his eyes.

“Aye, you can say that to me, just like that, any time you want.”  He answered, clearly excited by her giving him orders. 

“Go down!”  She said firmer and he wasted no time in replying.  His obedient response and instant licking and sucking on her clitoris pushed all other thoughts from Rae’s; he’d never sucked on it before. 

“Holy fuck!”

 

 

Finn dried his hair and watched Rae still enjoying the shower.  The last few days had been golden; no fights, lots of small moments together, great sex and plenty of time with their mates.  He loved summer holidays.  This time of year would always have a special place in his heart because he’d met her during summer holidays.  He heard a knock on the door downstairs and leaned into the shower.

“Someone’s at the door.”  He told her and she nodded, “Back in a mo.”  He sauntered into his room and found the cleanest pair of jeans he could, grimacing and deciding he’d have to do some more laundry soon, the load Rae had done recently was only half of what needed doing.  He heard Rae turn off the shower and sighed that he wouldn’t get to watch her dry herself; everything she did fascinated and awed him.  He could watch her do anything at all for hours on end.  He heard the door knock again and gave up trying to find a clean shirt on the floor and headed downstairs topless, kissing Rae at the door to the bathroom on the way.  Rae headed into the bedroom and quickly dried herself intending to throw on clothes and head downstairs straight after Finn, hoping that it was Janice at the door.  Her eyes flitted back up to the drawings and she imagined the way Janice would gush over them. 

Downstairs Finn was stretching and plodding towards the door, stifling a happy yawn.  He opened the door and his face instantly fell.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”  He asked but she just stepped into the house and walked straight to the lounge.  She sat down and watched him as he stood shirtless, still holding the door open and glaring at her. 

“We need to talk.”  She said softly and Finn cocked a head at her.

“Are you fucking mad?”  He said, “I got nothing to say to you.”  He gave her a sneer of distaste and nodded towards the open door, “you can go now.”

“I’m not going until you sit down and have a civilised discussion with me Finn.”  Stacey demanded and he rolled his eyes and closed the door.  “We need to be completely honest with each other before I go off to university!”  He sat down in his dad’s chair, annoyed that Stacey had chosen to sit where Rae normally sat.  He sat their staring at her, trying to mimic the look of distaste Rhys gave him the night of the summer ball. 

“Alright.  Complete honesty.”  He agreed finally. 

Rae came down the stairs and was surprised at the silence.  She peeked through the slightly ajar kitchen door and her jaw dropped, Stacey was sitting on the lounge, Finn staring at her from his father’s armchair.  She could only see the back of Stacey’s head, but she’d know that stupid ponytail anywhere.  She saw Finn’s face, and wondered what he was thinking letting her in like this. 

“I know you’re angry at me.”  She said softly.

“Right.”  Finn answered disinterestedly and Rae felt herself smile.

“I shouldn’t have told everyone that we had sex.”  Finn watched her lower her eyes in remorse and took a deep breath to stop himself from rolling his eyes.  His tongue went to his back teeth as it often did when he was thoroughly unimpressed.

“Right.”  He made himself say. 

“I just thought…”  She stopped and looked down, “We got so close to doing it.”  She said so softly that Rae almost didn’t hear her, “And I figured that we’d get there the next time we were alone, so it was as good as done in my mind.”

“But it wasn’t done.”  Rae felt her stomach tingle happily; she’d been right to trust Finn so completely.  He really hadn’t lied to her about it.  It was a strange thing to be so elated by this confirmation when she had believed him anyway.  But she was elated, and her mind went to what Olivia had said; could she be lying too? 

“Probably.”  She whispered to herself.

“I’m sorry Finn.”  She said, “I just figured that any lad would be happy to have people think he’d scored with the fittest girl in school.”

“I’m not any lad.” 

“No.”  Stacey agreed, “You’re really not.”  She took a deep breath and scooted forward on the seat coming to its edge and leaning forward towards him in his armchair, desperately trying to be closer to him and Finn gave her a disapproving scowl. 

“Why are you here?”  He asked her in an attempt to hurry her up and get her out.  But Stacey took it as a sign of curiosity, a chance to win him back. 

“No other lad is like you.”  She said softly, “The way you loved me was…”

“I didn’t love you.”  Finn said sharply and watched her flinch.

“Yes you did.”  She answered softly, “I know you did.” 

“Stacey.”  Finn said firmly, “I’m in love with Rae, so this conversation-”

“Why would you love her when you can have me?”  She asked feverishly and Rae felt her eyes narrow; this was something she had asked herself so many times.  Why would Finn want her over Stacey?

“Because of who she is.”  Finn answered, “And who you are.” 

“But she’s fat, Finn!”  Stacey said desperately, “How can you stand to touch her when you’ve touched me?”

“Don’t remind me.”  He said as if she had reminded him of touching dead rotting flesh.  He watched the tears come to her eyes and felt nothing.  She had been so cruel to Rae, that Finn’s usual reaction to someone crying – instant sympathy – was entirely gone. 

“She’s fat.”  Stacey said as if that was all the explanation needed, all the reason required to not to love someone, to not to want them.  Rae felt her innards churn; she had felt the same way Stacey did.  Rae had felt that being fat was enough of an excuse to overlook her in the past.  But she didn’t feel that way anymore.  Hearing Stacey say those words like a reason for hating her, made Rae realise how far she had come, made her realise how much she had hated herself.  She had once hated herself like Stacey hated her; just because her body was a bigger size.  Rae took a deep shaky breath and felt liberated for a moment; because in that exact moment, she understood that it wasn’t a reason to hate herself at all. 

“I know.”  Finn said and smiled in a supremely satisfied way.

“You know?”  Stacey asked confused.

“I know she’s big.  I have eyes.  And i know what you guys call her.”  He said softly, “I know what I get called.”  He continued, “And yet every day I just can’t seem to muster up any kind of giving a fuck about that shite.”  He leaned back in his chair and Stacey’s eyes fell to his naked torso.  “I quite enjoy her body.  I’ve had a lot o’ fun exploring every inch of it.”  He crossed his ankles and fished out his cigarettes and lit one.  “I’ll probably go upstairs and have some more fun with her when you fuck off out o’ me house.”  He lit up and watched her as she scrunched up her face.

“But you’re so fit.”

“Aye.”  He grinned, sucking on his cigarette, “What is it?  King Finn.”  He asked in a bragging voice, blowing out smoke, “Can drop a girl’s knickers from a hundred paces with the power of me face?”  Finn knew exactly how he was perceived by people like Stacey.  It was Rae’s opinion that he was less certain of; Rae’s opinion that mattered to him. 

“Yeah.”  Stacey answered, “You could have any girl.”

“And I choose Rae.”  Rae liked how firm and sure his voice sounded, she smiled as Stacey stammered her response.

“I just wanted you to know that you have options.” 

“Oh I know I have options.”  There was a cocky ring to his voice that Rae found ridiculously sexy.

“And I wanted you to know that I’m one of them.”  She looked at Finn with large vulnerable eyes, her hands reaching forward to his hands, but Finn stayed leaned back in the chair, almost lazily, as if this conversation bored him. 

“I know you’re one of my many options, Stacey.  I’ve always known.”  He spoke as if she were a shirt he could choose from his wardrobe, “And I choose Rae.”  He added with a cocky grin.  Rae saw that grin; he grinned like the cat who got the cream, like he had managed to pull of the world’s greatest heist.  He grinned like Rae was the greatest woman of them all and it was an honour to be allowed to choose her.  “Let’s be clear Stacey, if Rae were to stop choosing me and dumped me tomorrow, I still wouldn’t choose you.”  He finished with a cold glare that almost made Rae feel bad for Stacey. 

“But I love you.”  She answered in a small, defeated tone that did make Rae feel sorry for her. 

“You don’t know me.”  Finn dismissed her words, “But fine.  Ok, you love me.  Doesn’t obligate me to love you back.”  He shrugged, his cold demeanour not changing one bit, “I love Rae.”  He drew on his cigarette again, his eyes coolly appraising her. 

“I just thought that I might have something to offer you… more than she does.”  Her voice sounded so frail and Rae felt so sorry for her that she nearly interrupted the conversation; but what would she say?  But Finn had seen Stacey emotional manipulate people before and he wouldn’t be one of those people. 

“Nope.”  He answered with a cold, brash smile.  “But I’m sure there’s someone out there, in this big wide world, that’ll want what you’re offering.”  Rae suddenly realised that this is how Finn wanted her to deal with Phillip.  The problem was, Phillip had never actually declared his love for her, making it hard to say these things to him.  Rae wondered if she would have the strength and bravery to say these things to Phil if he did declare his love.  She furrowed her brows in thought. 

“Yeah if he wants a trophy.”  Stacey answered bitterly.

“I was under the impression that you wanted to be a trophy.” 

“Not really.”  She answered sadly.  “It’s how I get treated.”  She lowered her eyes, “Even you treated me like a trophy at first.”

“Aye.”  He agreed brutally.  It hurt himself as much as her to remember this part of himself.  He hated the way he had treated girls in the past.

“But then it changed, and I became your girl… and I loved that…”

“No… it changed cos I figured I could slip me dick into you… so I treated you nicer so you’d let me.”  Finn answered honestly, “I weren’t really nice to you at all Stacey.”

“I don’t believe you.”  Stacey answered, “Rae is making you say this stuff to me because she’s jealous of our connection.”  Finn paused for a moment and rolled his eyes.

“Stacey, get the fuck outta me house.”

“She never needs to know.”  Stacey said softly.  Finn furrowed his eyebrows and gave her a dirty look.

“What are you suggesting?”

“She’ll never know I was here, or what was said… or what we do…”  Stacy leaned further forward, “It’ll be our secret.”  Rae’s jaw dropped in disbelief, but Finn stared at her for a good long time. 

“Are you suggesting I cheat on me girlfriend?”

“I’m suggesting that whatever happens between us, stays between us.”  Rae could hear the seduction in her voice and knew that there was no way that any red blooded man could resist her.

“Stacey, I don’t know how much clearer I can be.”  He said firmly, “There will never be anything between us in any way.”  He watched the tears spill from her eyes emotionlessly. 

“Right.”  She looked away and wiped her eyes carefully, apparently taking a moment to stifle her emotions, before looking back at him, “Can we at least be friends?”  Her voice wavered with emotion and Rae felt her heart going out to Stacey, even though she had been pretty horrible to her. 

“No.”  Finn answered in a dispassionate monotone.

“Why?”  She whimpered.

“Cos you’re mean.”  He answered honestly, “And we have nothing in common,” Stacey opened her mouth to reply but Finn continued, “And most importantly, you don’t respect my girlfriend.”  Stacey shut her mouth slowly, her face a mask of tragic grief, “But if all those thing change, Stacey; sure.”  Finn’s voice made it clear that he didn’t expect to see those changes any time soon. 

“I don’t mean to be mean.”  She answered in a small voice, “I don’t know why I am.”  She lowered her eyes, “And I guess I just thought… that we were well suited to each other.”

“Why would you ever think that?”  Finn asked with a disgusted sneer.

“Because we’re both beautiful.”  She looked up to see Finn’s unimpressed face, “And no one’s ever loved me like you did, Finn.”

“I didn’t love you Stacey.  I could never love you.”  He looked disgusted at the thought of it.

“That’s not what you said when I was sucking your cock.”  She spat accusatorily.  Rae held her breath, stunned by Stacey’s words.  Finn nodded slowly.

“Yeah well I said a lot o’ things to a lot o’ girls when they had me dick in their mouths.”  He answered coldly.  “I were trying to get you to swallow.”  He finished with as brutal a tone as he could muster.  He really just wanted to shrink away from his past self.  He needed to find Rae and feel her arms wrap around him, so he could be reminded of just how far he’d come.  “You’re nothing to me Stacey Stringfellow.  Nothing but a bad blow job and a cunt that smelled like fish.” 

“Fuck you!”  She said through tears and Finn grinned as she stood up shaking her head in disbelief at him.

“You wish, sweetheart.” He answered cruelly.  He watched her turn and storm out of the house, slamming the door behind her.  He took a deep breath and covered his face with his hands, hating the things he’d said at the end.  In reality, he’d liked Stacey at first.  Everyone did.  And he had wanted to love her, because he wanted to lose his virginity to her.  So he had been trying to convince himself that he loved her.  But he wasn’t going to explain that to her; he just needed her to get the message clearly, and this was the only way it was going to happen.  He sat up and leaned forward in the chair, his head in his hands.  He felt sick thinking of the way he had been; thinking of just how many girls he had whispered sweet nothings to.  He had told Stacey he loved her; he’d forgotten that because he hadn’t meant it and he tried to forget most of that farcical relationship.  He was so glad Rae hadn’t been here to hear any of that.  How could he explain it all? 

Rae took a deep breath and pushed through the door, hoping her emotions were suitably in check.  Finn looked up from his hands and watched the way she moved as she came and sat down in the place he normally sat; next to where Stacey had just been sitting.  He sighed internally and hoped it was just a coincidence.

“Hey.”  She said and Finn instantly knew she’d heard it all. 

“I’m sorry.”  He scooted off his chair to sit in the warmth left by Stacey.  He felt himself cringe slightly but focused on her instead. 

“Why?”  She asked him and watched him lower his eyes.  “It just means we’ve both said it when we didn’t mean it.”  She continued bracingly.

“Aye but your circumstances were very different to mine.”  He looked at the floor and started to pick at his cuticle, something Rae hadn’t seen him do recently.  She put her hand in his to stop him and he looked up at her. 

“Did you really tell girls you loved them so they’d swallow?”  She asked.

“That’s not why I said it to you.”  He said instantly.

“I know.”  She laughed, “I’d already swallowed before you told me.”  She took a deep breath, “Didn’t need the encouragement it seems.”  Finn scoffed slightly and looked down. 

“It didn’t work, she didn’t...” 

“I know.”  Rae said, “You told me I were the first to do that.”

“And you believe me still?”

“Aye.”  She answered simply, “Did you tell them all that you loved ‘em?”  She asked. 

“I used to say a lot o’ things.”  He admitted softly, “But I’m pretty sure that it were only Stacey that I said that to.”

“Olivia?”  She asked softly.

“Oh right…”  Finn nodded slowly, “And her.  But only in response when she said it to me.” 

“Was it actually a bad blow job?”  Rae asked.  Finn carefully considered how to reply.

“Not any worse than any other I’d had.”  He decided to be honest.  Rae nodded.

“But not as good as mine.”  Finn noticed that it wasn’t a question.  It was a statement.

“No.”  He agreed, “Not as good as yours.”  He watched her thoughtful face for a while.

“Did her lady bits really smell like fish?”  Rae had heard boys make that joke; ‘what smells like fish but tastes like chicken?’  She’d been so self-conscious of her own smells and worried about what he’d think of her vagina.

“I dunno.”  Finn said embarrassed, “I only fingered her, I never got close enough to smell her.”

“You smell me off your fingers.”  Rae reminded him.

“Yeah but I never did with anyone else.”

“Why?”  She asked confused.

“Cos I were so excited about you and your lady bits Rae that I wanted to smell ‘em and taste ‘em.  I could stare at your lady bits for hours.”  He told her, “I only cared about Stacey’s to the extent I could shove me dick in ‘em.  I fingered her so she’d want me cock in there.  I finger you cos I wanna make you cum.”  Rae furrowed her eyebrows, “I told you Rae, I were a right prick.”  He lowered his eyes, “I treated girls like convenient places to deposit me dick.”  Rae sighed and leaned back on the lounge.

“Alright.’  She said in a light tone and he looked up at her surprised. 

“Alright?”

“It’s been well over a year since that shite with Stacey happened.”  She said, “Who gives a fuck?” 

“You what?” 

“I mean I know it’s not good that you did that.  But you don’t anymore.”  She shrugged, “You’ve been with me on and off for a year now… and also Olivia for bit o’ that year… granted that were shite too…” She smiled at him grimly, “But I think you can let go of that stuff, don’t you?”  She touched his face gently, “I mean, I might be curious sometimes and ask questions, but other than that I think we can just forget all of that stuff, yeah?”

“Forget it?”  He asked incredulously, “Aren’t you upset?”

“Not really.”  Rae answered, “You used to be a prick.”  She shrugged, “I used to cut myself.”  She swivelled in the seat and put her feet up on his lap, “It’s in the past Finn.”

“You’re not worried that old worries will come up again?”  He asked and she shrugged.

“I s’pose.”  She answered, “But I know you won’t cheat on me.  And I know,” She added with a sly grin, “That you won’t treat me like I’m nothing more than a thing to deposit your dick in, unless I ask you to.”  Finn tried not to grin, but he couldn’t help it and lowered his face to hide it.

“This is serious Rae.”  He said softly.

“I’m being serious.”  She said with a serious tone, “Finn I’m not worried about this stuff alright?”  Olivia’s words came back to her but she dismissed them.  “You’re such a different person now.”

“We both are.”  He agreed and leaned back on the lounge next to her, “hugs and crappy daytime tv?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Freedom! ‘90’ by George Michael _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diYAc7gB-0A&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diYAc7gB-0A&feature=kp)

 

Chloe took a deep breath and raised her chin, faking bravado as she always did.  She looked down the street and checked that she had locked her car door.  She flattened her dress down and made sure it sat against her skin properly and touched her hair to make sure it felt right.

“Stop it!”  She told herself and raised her chin again before marching into the building. 

She knocked on Rhys’s door and heard him moving within the flat.  She felt butterflies in her stomach and rolled her eyes at herself.

He opened the door, wiping his hands on a tea towel and gave her a broad smile.  He opened the door for her to come in and Chloe entered his flat for the second time and looked around.  He had set up his dining table for dinner and she had to stifle a huge dopey grin as he went over to one of the chairs and pulled it out for her.

“Ms Chloe.”  He said and she sat down, Rhys pushing the chair in for her.  He sat down opposite her, putting the tea towel over his thigh.  He took the bottle of wine and poured them both a glass and sat back in his seat.

“How has your week been so far?”  He asked her genuinely.

“Really great.”  She grinned, “Lots of time with the gang, and mum’s been buying me so many clothes…”  She bit her bottom lip and picked up the glass of wine, “You?”  She asked and took a sip.  “Hmm, it’s good.”  Rhys nodded.

“I thought you’d like a fruitier wine.”  He said thoughtfully, “But I got a couple of different kinds just in case.’  He lowered his eyes and chuckled at himself.

“You trying to impress me?”  She asked totally awe struck and bemused by the notion.

“Yes.”  He answered as he looked up at her.  “Why wouldn’t I try to impress you?” 

“I dunno… She shrugged, “I always think of boys impressing girls as them lying to make themselves look better than they are.”  Rhys nodded thoughtfully. 

“Lucky I’m a man then.”  He answered, “When I seek to impress you, I mean that I want to give you a good night, and display how well I’ve been paying attention to you.”  He answered, “To be clear and upfront, so you know what I’m doing.”  He held up his empty hands, “No surprises.”  She laughed.

“Well I give you permission to surprise me in the future.”  Chloe watched him lower his face, a pleased grin on his face. 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“You gonna tell me about your week?”  She asked him and took another sip of wine.  Rhys lifted up his glass and sipped before replying.

“Tom and I are going into business together.”

“What?  When?”  Chloe asked surprised, “When did that happen?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a few years.”  Rhys told her, “I mentioned it to Tom last year when we were lovers,” Rhys stopped and listened to a noise that came from the kitchen and then continue in a soft voice, still listening, “Because I knew he would be an excellent asset to such an endeavour.’  Rhys took another sip of wine, “He seemed very unsure of the idea.  But last month he suggested we do it.”  Rhys was watching Chloe’s face as he spoke, “So we’re putting in an equal amount of money and buying some premises for it.  Although we might have to rent them…” He sighed. 

“What kind of business?”  She was deeply impressed by the whole idea.

“A more inclusive gym.”  He said with a satisfied grin, “Basically.  And I want in indoor heated pool too.” 

“Oh god yes!”  Chloe laughed. 

“I’m going to offer to train Finn to become an instructor.”  Rhys said, “and then he can be a personal trainer.”  Rhys continued slowly, “And I can probably also start Chop with some younger clients, after some training.”  Rhys considered, “And Archie will be good for running the pool or gym section because he already has experience with that.”  Chloe listened to him planning his business, “Assuming they all want the jobs!”  He laughed.  “I’d really like to have a few female trainers as well.”  He sighed, “Actually there’s a whole lot of things I’d like, but I need to sit down with Tom and plan it all out.”

“Are there any women that are trained enough in Stamford that could do it?”

“Elsa.”  Rhys answered and Chloe felt a slight stab of jealousy.  “But she wouldn’t do it.”  He said, “So I’ll have to train someone up.”  His eyes rested on her and Chloe got his meaning immediately.

“Do you really think I could do it?”

“Yes.”  He replied honestly, “If you wanted to.”  An alarm of some sort went off in the kitchen and he stood up, “But that’s entirely up to you.  You know I won’t push you either way.”  She nodded happily.  “I better get that.”  He grinned nervously and took his tea towel to the kitchen.  She heard a loud meow and the big ginger cat wondered in, wrapping itself around her legs. 

“I don’t think you’re stray anymore are you?”  She asked as she picked him up.  “You’ve attached yourself to that big softie haven’t you?”  The cat purred loudly as she stroked his ears and he settled down on the table in front of her, Chloe moving the empty plate out of the way for him, and he started to emphatically rub his face against her hands.  Rhys came back in and Chloe looked up at him.

“What are we having?”  Rhys took a deep breath and looked slightly nervous as he sat down.

“I’m not much of a cook.”  He confessed, “But I do remember my mum’s cooking.”  He said sadly.  “So I’m cooking some of that stuff.”

“What’s your mum like?”

“She’s dead.”  Rhys said sadly, “She was a refugee from Nigeria.  She was 22 and pregnant with me and my brother when she made the journey here.”  He lowered his eyes.  “She used to sing us the songs from her village.  And she was serious and sad.”  He smiled with memory, “and kind.”  Chloe watched the emotion on his face as he spoke, “So we’re having some Nigerian cuisine that my mother taught me to cook when I was a little boy.”  He finished with a nervous grin. 

“That sounds exciting!”  Chloe answered genuinely. 

“We’ll be starting with jollof rice.”  He grinned at her look of incomprehension and continued, “I’ve got three types of suya to have with that, one of them’s goat; I hope you don’t mind.”

“I’ll give it a try.”  She answered with trepidation.

“So that’s entrée, then I’ve done maafe with boiled rice for the main.”  Rhys enjoyed the look Chloe was giving him; trusting his food decisions completely.  “And we each have a funkaso to go with that.”  He sipped his wine, “And for dessert we have some moin moin.”  And he raised his eyebrows, obviously hoping she liked it all, “Oh and I managed to get some palm wine too, if you want to try it.” 

“Of course I’ll try it.”  She grinned happily. 

“Some of it is spicy.”  He warned and she shrugged.

“I like spicy.”

“I’ll keep that in mind too.”  He answered suggestively and Chloe felt her insides tingle in response. 

“Come to London with me.”  She said slowly and Rhys lowered his eyes. 

“Work will be difficult.”  He answered.

“So come for some of it.”

“What are the dates?”

“15th to the 24th.”  She told him and he nodded.

“I’ll see what I can do.”  Rhys held her gaze for some time and watched her look down.

“So I suppose we need to talk about our relationship then.”  She fidgeted with her glass and sucked her bottom lip for a moment. 

“Only if you wish to.”  He told her and stood up, “I’ll just get the entrees.”  The cat curled up on the centre of the table and started to clean his paws.  Chloe watched him fascinated.  Rhys came back in with two large plates of food.

“We will never eat all of that!”  Chloe laughed and Rhys shook his head.

“You’ve never seen me eat properly!”  He laughed.  “Come on Mister Meow, off the table.”  He told the cat and Mr Meow looked up at him imperiously before jumping down, heading for the green lounge to stretch out for a cat nap.

“Mister Meow?”  Chloe felt laughter at the back of her throat, but mostly she just adored this big stupid softy of a man.

“He needed a name.”  Rhys shrugged and put the food on the table and grabbed some plates for them.  It smelled amazing, and spicy.  He served up some food for her, “That’s the goat meat.”  He pointed out to her and she nodded before he put it on her plate.  They ate in comfortable for silence for a while, Chloe enjoying the different flavours, her mind forgetting for a while all the things she had to talk to him about.

“So what’s in this?”  She pointed at the jollof rice. 

“Rice, obviously.”  Rhys was pleased she wanted to know, “tomatoes, onion, salt, nutmeg, pepper, ginger, cumin,” Chloe watched him list off the ingredients in awe, she’d never remember all these things, “chicken stock, garlic, peas, and I cut up a bunch of vegetables to go in as well.” 

“It’s so good.”  Chloe told him.

“It’s especially good because you cook it all in one pot.”  She made a noise in the back of her throat as she savoured the rice that made Rhys smile contently. 

“You’re a great cook.” 

“I have jollof rice at least once a week.”  He confessed, “I’d better be good at cooking it by now!”  Chloe grinned and tried the suya; pieces of spiced meat threaded onto bamboo skewers. 

“Oh these are spicy!”  She suddenly noticed the water Rhys had left out on the table.  She resisted taking a sip and let the spice sit on her tongue before eating some more.  It was so good. 

“Chicken, beef.”  Rhys pointed out, “and goat.”  Chloe looked at the goat and stuck with the beef and chicken for now. 

“I wanted to thank you for not treating me like a victim.”  She raised her eyes to him

“I treat you as you are.”  Rhys answered and Chloe thought about this for some time.

“Thank you.”  She said as she understood just how important that statement was; he didn’t see her as a victim because she wasn’t one.  She had stopped thinking of herself as a victim the minute she had started learning self-defence.  It had made her feel in control of herself again.  And Rhys had seen that. 

“Don’t think on it Chloe.”  He said humbly.  Chloe sipped her wine.

“This is much nicer than going to a restaurant.”  She told him.  They’d been having dates for weeks before the summer ball, but after having sex, there was a deeper intimacy between them.  It was right for him to be cooking for her now.  “You’re a master of the slow seduction aren’t you?”  She asked him with an amused grin.  Rhys looked up at her with a thoughtful face.

“I’m not the master of anything but myself.”  He answered honestly, “I was as slow as you needed.”  He added, “I always will be.”  He sipped his wine and furrowed his brows slightly, “I wasn’t trying to seduce you.”  He added, “I wanted to know you better… and I was willing to go where you led me.” 

“So I seduced myself?”  She laughed.  Rhys considered this with a serious face that made Chloe laugh even more.

“I don’t think seduction has played a role in our relationship.”  He answered thoughtfully, “Yet.” 

“Yet?”   Chloe loved this hint of sensuality from him.

“Yet.”  He breathed with a voice brimming with controlled sexuality and let his eyes drop to her lips momentarily.  Chloe held her breath and bit her bottom lip in anticipation for something she knew wasn’t even happening yet; their relationship was too young and she was still too vulnerable for Rhys’s full sexuality to show itself.  She knew he repressed his full passion for her and she appreciated it, because she could already feel that it was red hot and she wasn’t ready for it; she’d be burned to a crisp right now.  He lowered his eyes to his food and Chloe let out her breath slowly  She looked at the small satisfied grin on his face and realised that he knew exactly what he had just done to her.  He had deliberately lowered his eyes to set her free from his gaze, to let her breathe.  She was surprised by her desire for him; it was unlike anything she’d ever experienced.  There was no guilt, no shame, no feeling of obligation… no need to prove herself.  No desire to be wanted to prove her worth.  She just wanted him in a heated, uncomplicated urge that filled her body.  But in the back of her head she still wanted her freedom and she knew that she would very quickly become very serious with Rhys; he was strangely easy to love. 

“So relationship stuff.”  She said after a while and Rhys raised his eyes to her and nodded slowly.

“Ok.”  He indicated his willingness to talk about this topic and picked the suya from the skewers with his fingers and Chloe started to do the same. 

“Not feeling like a victim for the first time in months… has made me…”  She paused, “Want to… explore that.”  She finished finally, not sure if that was clear to Rhys.  He nodded slowly. 

“Explore in what way?”  He asked softly and she lowered her eyes.  Looking at the delicious meal he’d made for her on their first date since the summer ball made her feel guilty.  She stopped eating and tried to gather her thoughts. 

“I dunno.”  She said awkwardly.

“It’s fine Chloe.”  He said reassuringly, “You don’t owe me anything.”  He told her, “I do the things I do because I want to, and you do not owe me because of them, so don’t stop eating the food I made you because you do not wish to start a relationship with me.”  He looked at her sagely and she could barely stand to hold his gaze; how did he know?

“But I do.”  She answered, “That’s the problem.”  She sighed and put her fork down, Rhys mirrored her and folded his hands gently.  “I want you.”  She told him honestly, “But I also want to have a bunch of sex with a bunch of people.”  Rhys nodded slowly.  “Kester says I’m trying to reclaim my body and sexuality…”  She tried to explain and Rhys’s eyes watched her as she talked, thoughtful, calm, reassuring; as always.  “And I know that’s not fair to you but… I can’t let go of the idea.”  She was suddenly terrified of his answer; what if he told her she had to choose?  What if he was disgusted by her?  What if he wanted nothing to do with her anymore? 

“Alright.”  He answered and picked his fork back up and continued to eat.  She watched him with a confused look on her face. 

“Alright?”  She asked him and he nodded.  “What does that mean?”

“Alright.”  He repeated, “You want to have sex with other people.”  He said, “Alright.  I accept that.” 

“What if I wanted to have sex with a beautiful woman?”  She asked trying to shock him, and he nodded again, “and I wanted you to watch.”  Rhys blinked at her for a moment, clearly considering this.

“If you both wish for this to happen, then I have no objection to it.”  He answered calmly.  Chloe opened her mouth in surprise.

“I don’t know any women who would have sex with me.’  She said softly.

“I know several, I can organise a meeting if you’d like?”  He asked her and took a sip of wine. 

“Really?”  She asked, “It doesn’t make you jealous?”

“I don’t own you, it’s your decision to do as you wish.”  He answered simply.

“Finn gets pissed off about guys even looking at Rae.”  Chloe marvelled and Rhys furrowed his brows at the comparison. 

“I’m not Finn.”  Rhys answered pointedly; he had guessed her previous infatuation with Finn, and was not interested in playing stand-in for another man. 

“So you don’t care if I sleep with other people?”  Chloe asked defensively, trying to ignore his tone because it indicated that he understood her slight preoccupation with Finn. 

“That’s not it at all.”  He told her, once again putting down his fork, “I do care.  But I care about you being happy and your wellbeing, not that your body belongs to me and shouldn’t be touched by others.”  His eyes fell to her lips and she saw desire in his eyes, but they raised back to her eyes, and she detected no hint of a lie, “If it pleases you to be touched by others then so be it.  It’s your decision.”

“What about what you want?” 

“I want you.”  Rhys answered with that phrase again.  He’d told her that before, and Chloe couldn’t understand what it was about her that he so wanted, “I will abide by your decisions about your body, your happiness, and your life.”  He added.

“What about your decisions?”  Chloe watched him pick up the fork again and she did the same, “When do you get to make the decisions?”

“I never get to make the decisions for you Chloe.”  He looked her in the eye, “Never.”  He said pointedly, “I get to make decisions for me.  And here’s some of the decisions I am consciously making right now:  Am I accepting that a woman I am falling in love with wants to or needs to fuck other people?”  He asked himself thoughtfully, “Yes.”  He answered firmly, “Can I accept that she may never want to be in an exclusive relationship with me?”  His eyes held hers, “Yes.”  His answer was less firm, but still a clear yes.  “Do I want an exclusive relationship…?”  He paused and lowered his eyes in thought.  Chloe felt her heart in her throat.  She found herself hoping he’d say ‘yes.’  “I’m not sure…”  He said finally and raised his eyes back to hers, “But if my feelings for you continue to grow, I probably will.  Which surprises me.”  He said honestly, “You’d be my first monogamous relationship.”  He told her and she felt her stomach fluttering with excitement.  “And if that moment does come, and I suspect it will… then I will decide when and how to talk to you about it.”  He smiled reassuringly, “And if you refuse, I will have to decide if I will stay with you under those circumstances.  And if you accept, we will have to decide together what the rules of our relationship are.”  Chloe watched him talk in awe; how could he be so reasonable, and still seem so protective, strong and manly?  “I will not have society dictate what my relationship should be like.  Nor will I have societal norms or outdated, patriarchal notions make my decisions for me.”  He said with a vigorous passion that made Chloe’s insides tingle with desire for him.  “You are not now, nor will you ever be, my property, and I will never treat you as such.”  He told her firmly, “I will not make your decisions for you, nor will I fly into a jealous rage, nor will I try to own you.  You are as bound to me as you choose to be.”  His eyes dropped to her lips again, and he spoke, watching the way her mouth moved as she ate slowly, “Do I have desires, my god yes… I do desire you and your time…”  He looked up at her eyes, “But you are not mine to take.  You are your own to give to those you wish, when you wish and how you wish.  Just as I am my own and I do the same.”  Chloe’s mind was mulling over all the things he’d said and it felt like he was very invested in her and she enjoyed that, “It’s my decision to be here now, accepting that you are not in a relationship with me, and will sleep with whomever you choose.  It’s my decision to-”

“You’re falling in love with me?”  She had heard every word he had said, but these were the ones that kept repeating in her mind. 

“Of course I am Chloe.”  He answered, clearly baffled as to why she would ask him this.

“How…?  Why?”  She fumbled over her thoughts, “I haven’t done anything to…”  She looked down, “Make you fall in love with me… or deserve it.”  She added sadly. 

“Have you met you?”  He asked bewildered by her words, “You are a miraculous human being Chloe.”  She scoffed.

“I don’t understand… if you want me… why don’t you want me all to yourself?”

“Love and want are different things.”  Rhys answered firmly, “I happen to have both for you.”  He continued, “But even my growing love for you does not mean that I am entitled to you, or that you owe me, or that you belong to anyone other than yourself.  I am responsible for me and my thoughts and feelings… my actions and decisions… and you are responsible for you.  Do as you will Chloe.”  He told her honestly.

“You’ll withdraw your love if I do.”  She challenged.

“It would hardly be love if I could stop loving you because you didn’t do what I wanted you to.”  Rhys shook his head, “To me, that’s not love; that’s just ownership and entitlement.” 

“You’ll love me no matter what?”

“Of course.  If I fall in love with you Chloe, I will love you until the day I die, and beyond if there is a beyond.”  He picked up a suya kebab and pulled at the meat, “but that does not mean we will be in a relationship.”  He put some meat in his mouth and chewed it, “You are under no obligation to me no matter how much I love you… But if I do fall in love with you, I will want to be in a relationship of some sort with you.”  He told her honestly.

“Of some sort?”  She asked, still confused by everything. 

“We will define our own rules.”  He reminded her, “And if you do not want me in that way, if you do not love me.  It won’t stop me from loving you.”  He told her, “That’s not how love works for me.”  He watched her carefully as he spoke, “It’ll just mean that we cannot be together.  And we will both make our decisions according to our true feelings.”

“I’ve never met anyone like you.”  She marvelled, “I don’t understand how you can… say you love me and not…”  She struggled to find the words.

“Want to possess you?”  He watched her slowly nod her head, “Because you’re a human being with your own mind and your own agency.”  He answered, “I love who you are.  Why would I seek to change that by taking away your agency through owning you?”  Chloe had never considered this before and it clicked in her mind perfectly, “That’s why people change in relationships; because our society can’t differentiate between being with someone and trying to own that person.”  She let these thoughts run around in her head. 

“Alright, I’m gonna try this goat.”  She changed the topic to give herself time to think about what he had said, “It had better be good!”  She threatened jokingly and he laughed, but watched her closely as she put the meat in her mouth. 

“Oh it’s better than I thought it’d be.”  She scrunched her nose in thought as she chewed, “It’s like really strong lamb.” 

“I’ll get the mains.”  Rhys grinned and went to the kitchen, Chloe felt her head fall to the side as she watched his arse as he walked away.  He came back and put the food on the table, leaving the entrees there and she grabbed the spoons and started serving it out. 

“I can’t get my head around the idea of loving someone and not wanting no one else to touch them.”  She admitted and Rhys shrugged.

“I never said that I wouldn’t want monogamy with you one day in the future,” He answered as he picked up his funkaso and broke it into pieces, “I just indicated that it wasn’t a deal breaker if you didn’t want it.”  He answered with a shy grin, “Not yet… it may become one, it might not.  We’ll see how our feelings develop.” 

“We’ll set our own rules in any future relationship we might have…”  Chloe answered slowly, enjoying the way that sounded.

“Exactly.”  Rhys picked his fork up again and Chloe did the same as she mulled over the thoughts.

“And you not being possessive of me doesn’t mean that you don’t care.”  She told herself as she tried the maafe.  “Oh that’s good!”  She said excitedly and Rhys gave a relieved grin. 

“I’m glad you like it.”  He watched her eat for a while before returning to their conversation, “To me, possessiveness and jealousy are not love.”  Rhys said immutably, “Love is selfless and giving.  Not selfish and controlling.” 

“Are you saying Finn doesn’t love Rae?”  Chloe asked with real concern for Rae.

“Not at all.”  Rhys answered, “Finn loves her with everything in his being.”  He reassured Chloe and Chloe was grateful he’d seen how worried she’d been for her best friend, “Finn doesn’t want to control Rae.”  Rhys stated, “He focuses too much on the fact that someone else might be better suited to her.  This affects him deeply.”  Rhys kept his eyes on Chloe, “I believe that his focus is now starting to shift to where it should be.” 

“Oh yeah?”  Chloe asked with a bemused grin, “And where’s that?”

“On being the kind of man that makes her not care if there are other men that are well suited to her.”  Rhys answered, “There’s no point focusing on other men.  There will always be other men… other people… that are well suited to our partners.”  Rhys watched her face closely, “It’s best to focus on our partners, and ourselves and making it work the best we can.”

“So you won’t ever worry about other men being better suited to me?”  She asked curiously, eating the food more ravenously than she’d eaten anything her mother had made for her. 

“No.”

“Sure of yourself!”  She laughed.

“Yes.”  He answered seriously and then let a grin break out on his face, “And also if you find someone that you think is better for you – then you should be with them.”  He answered honestly, “It would hurt me a great deal, but I would be able to see your happiness, and that is what matters to me: that the ones I love are as happy as they can be.  Even if that is not with me.”  He looked into Chloe’s eyes, “If we were in a relationship, I would work to earn your love and respect, and to make you happy, every day.  If someone else could do that better… what kind of man would I be to want to deny you the chance to be the happiest you can be?”  Chloe again had to stop to consider this.  Rhys left the table and came back with the palm wine and two glasses.  She watched him pour out two small glasses and thoughts whirled in her mind.  She tried it.

“Oh that’s strong!”  She laughed and he nodded and raised his glass for her to clink it.  She did and they ate in happy silence for a short time, Rhys giving her chance to think and Chloe considering it all carefully; could she be with a man who had this life philosophy? 

“So do you think monogamy is a good thing?”  She asked suddenly, “Or a bad thing?”

“It can be either…” he answered, “What I truly think about monogamy is that it’s not mandatory for there to be love and a special connection between people.”  He looked at her, already feeling a special connection between them “If we both want monogamy eventually Chloe, we can agree to that, but it’s not the only way to be in a relationship.”

“I’ve been told my whole life that the only real relationship is one that’s monogamous between a man and a woman.”  She said slowly, “That that’s the only way to experience love and that special connection we all want…”  She laughed at the notion, Archie and Tom had already proven half of that idea wrong… perhaps she would disprove the other half?

“Would you say what we have is special?”  Rhys asked, surprised at how nervous he felt about her answer. 

“Yes.”  She answered without hesitation, “More than anything I’ve ever experienced.  I feel… I don’t understand why… but you make me feel so loved and respected and validated.”  She told him, suddenly realising that she already had fairly intense feelings for him.  “How do you do it?”

“It’s not love to claim someone as your property.  That’s just an exercise in turning a beautiful individual into a thing.  I see you as you Chloe.  Not as my possession.  You are worth so much more than just being mine.”  He reached across the table and stroked her face gently. 

“What if I want to be yours?”  She asked breathlessly, and then got herself under control, “One day…” 

“That will be your choice.”  He told her, his fingers touching her lips gently, his eyes following his fingers momentarily before they returned to her eyes, “But I will never treat you as if you are mine.  I will always treat you like Chloe.” 

“I want to start a relationship with you Rhys.”  She said suddenly, “Now.”  Rhys gave her a small smile that showed a clearly repressed joy and bit his bottom lip, she grinned broadly at him and watched him lower his eyes and take a deep breath.

“Alright.”  He said softly, a hint of excitement colouring the edges of his voice, “And what would you like the rules to be Ms Chloe?”  He raised his eyes to hers.  Chloe couldn’t believe how in just a few months of knowing Rhys she could feel so strongly for him, and from the look in his eyes, it was obviously mutual. 

“Not monogamous yet.”  She said firmly and he nodded, “But we have to tell each other about it if we do…” He nodded again and she lowered her eyes in thought, “And we have to have lots of dates.”  She continued, her eyes were down so she didn’t see the smile that played with the corners of his mouth as he nodded again, “And you have to spend more time with my friends, and I have to meet yours… and I suppose we’ll have to meet each other’s families…” another nod, “And I’ll be calling you my boyfriend from now on, and I’m your girlfriend,” another nod with another smile, “and I’m gonna need you to have sex with me a lot.”  She looked up at him, “Do you have any rules?”

“Just that you be honest with me.”  He answered. 

“I will be.”  She told him, “Because I can with you.” 

“I’m honoured you feel that way.”  He said honestly. 

“Even if you are weird.”  She grinned and he laughed.

“I usually get called intimidating not weird!”  He chuckled.

“It’s a good weird.”  She told him, “And you’re not intimidating at all.”  She told him fondly, “But I’ve literally never met anyone even close to being like you.”  Rhys shook his head.

“Elsa and Tom are similar.”  He told her.

“No they’re not.”  She said firmly, “There’s no one on the planet like you Rhys.” 

“I’m glad you think so.”  He replied, “Because I feel the same about you.”  Chloe bit her bottom lip and looked away to hide how happy he made her; she couldn’t believe how giddy his words made her feel. 

“Aren’t Tom and Archie in a monogamous relationship?”  She challenged his assertion that Tom and he were alike. 

“I think so.”  Rhys answered, “Tom is very much in love with Archie.” 

“Oh I know!”  Chloe laughed, “It’s so obvious.”  Rhys shared her happy grin, “I like seeing Archie this happy.”  Chloe told him “He really deserves it.”

“Yes.”  Rhys agreed.  “So does Tom.”  They finished up their food and Chloe helped Rhys clear up the plates and put the small amount of leftovers into containers for later use. 

“Shall we have dessert after?”  She asked him and he turned to her, catching the glint in her eye.

“Of course.”  He agreed and caught her easily as she jumped up onto him, wrapping her legs around his waist, her lips going straight to his.  “You’re lucky I’ve got fast reflexes missy!”  He laughed through her kisses.

“After sex…”  Chloe said, “Dessert and a nice glass of wine on the longue, and we’ll talk all night.”  She told him.

“That sounds perfect.”  She tilted her mouth towards his again and he kissed her lips deeply, leaving Chloe breathless.

“You can kiss me like that as much as you want.”  She told him, taking his face in her hands and looking into his eyes before kissing him passionately, eliciting an appreciative groan from him.  She didn’t know why, but making a man like Rhys groan like that made her feel powerful in ways she’d never experienced before. 

“And you can kiss me like that whenever you want.”  He breathed, desire clear in his eyes. 

“I love it when you look at me like that.”  She told him and he grinned slightly, the desire in his eyes intensifying.  “I want you to make me cum.  I want you to make me scream.”  She told him softly.

“As you wish Ms Chloe.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Stuck in the Middle With You’ by Stealers Wheel _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DohRa9lsx0Q&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DohRa9lsx0Q&feature=kp)

 

Finn watched Karim holding Aiesha, singing to her softly.  His voice was deep and melodic and Finn was deeply impressed and moved by the way he sung to his little girl.

“Au clair de la lune, s'en fut Arlequin.  Frapper chez la brune. Elle répond soudain: Qui frappe de la sorte?  Il dit à son tour: Ouvrez votre porte, pour le Dieu d'Amour!”  Karim finished with a happy smile.  For her part, Aiesha was throwing her arms around enthusiastically and gurgling happily.  He gently put her down, so that she was standing, holding his hands tightly.  Finn watched in awe as she stood there shakily, looking around at the world. 

“Tu es une fille tellement forte.”  He cooed happily to Aiesha and grinned proudly.  He looked over at Finn, “regarde elle se tient debout!”  Finn nodded emphatically in reply, not understanding one word of what he’d said, but not minding.  Aiesha took in her surroundings and the enormity of the world at this higher level seemed to weigh on her.  She slowly sat down, Karim guiding her gently so that she didn’t bang herself.  As soon as she was seated she started to scoot around, Finn sat on the floor with her and Rae came in from upstairs, her hair in a messy ponytail at the back of her head; Aiesha had taken to pulling her hair mercilessly lately.  Karim sat on the lounge and watched as Finn laid down on his stomach and encouraged Aisha to crawl towards him.  But she insisted on scooting, and as soon as she got close enough she put her hands on his face, poking his eye and putting a finger up his nose.  Rae raised an amused eyebrow as he blinked back tears and scooped her up into his arms, bouncing her until she giggled loudly.  Linda hurried in, putting earrings on and looking stressed.

“Are you sure you’re fine to do this?”  She asked them.

“O’ course mum.”  Rae answered, “Go have your date night!”  She told them.

“Thank you Rachel.”  Karim grinned as he stood up; his English was getting better all the time, and Rae’s French was improving too.  “Thank you Finn.” 

“Hopefully she won’t bawl as soon as you leave.”  Rae pulled a face and turned to look at Finn, holding Aiesha while she pulled at his nose curiously.  Linda went over to Finn and took Aiesha from his arms, and with no explanation handed her to Rae.  Linda nodded at Karim who took something from his pocket and handed it to her.  Rae held Aiesha, trying to keep her little hands off her hair, and looked on confused as her mum stood in front of Finn and cleared her throat. 

“I wanted to give you this.”  She held up a newly cut copy of the front door key.  Finn turned his eyes to Rae and she was repressing a grin.  He turned his eyes back to Linda.

“Thank you.”  He said earnestly.

“Don’t make a nuisance of yourself just because you’ve got that.”  She told him and he nodded solemnly.  Finn looked up at Karim and the two men shared a knowing smile before Finn looked back at Linda. 

“I won’t.”  He answered seriously and she nodded, satisfied.

“We’ll be back by 11.”  She told him and then turned to Rae, “There’s some leftovers in the fridge for dinner.” 

“Thanks mum.”  Linda kissed Finn’s cheek and then Rae’s before heading to the door.  Karim gave them both a big hug and followed his wife with a satisfied grin that told Rae that Karim had every intention of having sex tonight.  Rae tried to push that thought from her head and shook her head in repulsion as the door closed behind them. 

“Good job on keeping your face straight.”  She grinned at Finn.

“Karim knows I already got a key.”  Finn laughed.

“You what?’ Rae asked with a surprised look that made Aiesha squeal loudly. 

“I accidentally locked myself out when I was having smoke a few weeks back.  He rocked up just as I was opening the door, with the keys on me own key ring.”  Rae started to laugh, “He gave me this questioning look and I told him you’d got me a key cut a few months ago.  He just shrugged it off.”

“Karim’s a keeper.”  Rae marvelled.  They’d all kept a straight face and allowed Linda to have her moment. 

“What should I do with the key?”  He asked and Rae shrugged.

“Give it to Chloe or Archer in case we both lock ourselves out.”

“Alright.”  He shoved the key in his pocket and held his arms out as Rae handed Aiesha back to Finn and headed towards the kitchen to check out what leftovers her mother meant. 

“I was thinking we could order some pizza for dinner.  My shout.”  Finn suggested and bounced Aiesha, starting her giggling again.

“Alright.”  Rae said, “Supreme?”

“Aye.”

“Garlic bread?”

“And a coke, cheers.” 

“I’ll go find the number.”  She went into the kitchen and Finn held Aiesha up and started to sing to her.  She looked down at him and squealed with delight.  He started to dance around with her singing louder, still holding her up above his head.  She giggled and squirmed happily.  He lowered her into his arms and held her back to his chest, so she could look out at the world, as he spun around and kept dancing and she kicked her legs excitedly.  He sang louder as she squealed louder and he tried to match his singing to her volume, which seemed to delight her. 

Rae sorted through the pamphlets for local restaurants her mother stored in the bottom kitchen drawer to find the pizza house that delivered.  She heard Aiesha squealing and then stopped dead in her tracks, a huge grin on her face.  She looked over at the door to the lounge room; she could hear Finn singing ‘stuck in the middle with you’ to Aiesha loudly, jovially.  She got up and peeked round the door to see him dancing around and singing as loud as he could, Aiesha squealing happily and flinging her arms about.  Finn… King Finn.  In his favourite jeans, the ones that showed his arse off to perfection, and his oasis t-shirt… dancing around with her baby sister.  She watched him in disbelief for a moment before gently closing the door and silently laughing as she headed upstairs to use her phone to order rather than interrupt Finn to use the phone in the lounge room. 

When she came back down Finn was crouched down, open-mouthed in joy as Aiesha crawled tentatively towards him.

“C’mon little one!”  He encouraged her happily.  She liked to scoot, and she stood happily if you stood her up.  She had even started to try and pull herself up sometimes.  But she was not a crawler.  She stopped, halfway there and sat with a thud that surprised her.  She looked at Finn as if asking him how to respond to such a thud, but before Finn had had a chance to react to her, she had started to cry loudly. 

“Oh, come here little one.”  He soothed calmly and scooped her up into his arms, sitting on the floor with her and speaking reassuringly to her.  “Me dad tells me I weren’t a crawler either, now look at me!”  He grinned at her, “You’ll be fine.” 

“You two are similar in a lot o’ ways.”  Rae said, “Same blood type.”  She answered his questioning face, “You sure she not your baby?”  Finn grinned and then thought it through, his face turning into a picture of horror.

“No Rae!”  He started to laugh but Aiesha cried miserably and he quickly forgot that Rae had basically implied he had sex with Linda and rocked Aiesha gently. 

“So you’re a little A negative as well?”  He asked Aiesha and Rae furrowed her eyebrows.

“I thought you were O?”  He said.

“Why would you think that?”  Rea lowered her eyes; she hated thinking about this.

“Cos that’s what the doctors gave you when you were first admitted after...” She looked away and he nodded.

“Oh right.”  He looked down, “Universal blood transfusion type.”  He said, “They gave me O until they knew I were A neg.”  He explained, also not liking to think of that time.  Aiesha settled into a sleep in his arms and Rae went over to her downstairs crib and checked that it was fine for her to be put down to sleep for the evening.  She took out a toy and pulled back the blanket.  Finn was particular about no toys being in the crib.  Linda always ignored this, but Rae understood that he was always thinking of Grace dying from cot death, SIDS, and he wanted to minimise the risk to Aiesha.  Rea always took the toys out when she saw them.  Aiesha didn’t seem to mind either way.  Finn lowered her carefully into the crib and Rae pulled up the blanket, careful to keep it away from her face. 

They had spent the whole day at Rae’s house, looking after Aiesha for most of it while Karim worked and Linda did housework.  Rae was exhausted and collapsed down onto the lounge with a groan.  Finn watched Aiesha for a moment longer before joining her.  Rae looked through the tv guide for something to watch while Finn took off his shoes and stuffed his socks in them. 

“Rae?”  He said softly, a memory from the previous conversations coming back to him randomly.

“Yeah?”  She asked, not taking her eyes off the guide.

“You said that the first time you masturbated was after I curled that fucker up outside the chippy?”  Rae turned her eyes to him.

“Aye.”  She answered slowly, wondering where he was going with this.

“You fantasised about me…?”  He grinned, still absurdly pleased by that.

“Aye.”  The same slow, almost guarded response.

“You called me a prick for ages after that.”  He answered her narrowed eyes with a big grin.  “Trying to hide your insatiable thirst for me huh?”  He teased and she shook her head. 

“Trying to hide how much your ego makes me wanna vomit.”  She replied and looked away from his grinning face. 

“You staring at me in the pub sometimes makes sense now.”  Rae rolled her eyes at how pleased he was.

“Shut up Finn or I’ll fracture me fucking skull trying to not roll me eyes at you.”  He laughed and put his feet up on the coffee table.  “I actually did think you were a right proper prick.”  She told him.

“Oh aye.”  He said lustily, his hand finding its way up her shirt and cupping her breast, “A right proper prick you wanted to fuck.”  He kissed her neck and Rae’s eyes went over to the crib and she groaned in frustration; it felt wrong having sex with Aiesha in the room, even if she was a sleep. 

“Well you are stunning.”  She admitted and he made a half-happy, half-lusty sound in the back of his throat and sat up, kneeing on the couch and kissing her lips fervently, laying her back, his hand finding the waistline of her skirt. 

“I want you.”  He whispered to her as his fingers slid under her skirt and tights.

“We can’t.”  She nodded over at the crib and Finn looked over at the sleeping baby girl.  He grunted and looked back at Rae, undecided. 

“She’s sleeping?”  He asked hopefully, only half believing they’d go through with it.  Rae gave him an unimpressed look.

“Really?”  She asked and he sighed.

“No.”  He admitted and sat back down on the sofa with a thud and an annoyed grunt.  “I love you little one, but you’re a right proper cock-block.”  He mumbled in the direction of Aiesha’s crib.  Rae grinned and put her lips to his ear.

“When we go upstairs tonight, I’ll let you do whatever you want.”  He turned his eyes to her and grinned lustily.

“Aye?”  She nodded, “I’d like you to suck my dick.”  He said cheekily and she nodded and kissed his cheek chastely.  “And want you to sit on my face.”  Rae nodded again and gently rubbed his thigh, noting the bulge in his jeans, “And then I want you to ride me girl.”

“You do like me on top don’t you?”

“Fuck yes I do.”  He answered.

“Why?”

“The view.”  He grinned and watched her blush.  “You’re just up there, doing your thing, getting off… and I get to watch it all.” 

“Well I wouldn’t want to let me man down.”  She grinned, “Your wish is my command Mr Nelson.”  She leaned down and kissed the bulge in his pants firmly and he groaned.

“Fucking tease.”  He breathed.  She slipped off the lounge and knelt before him, kissing up his thighs to the bulge in his jeans.  She licked along his fly and he watched her, shaking his head slowly.  “You’ll do this in front o’ her, but you won’t suck it.”  He asked disbelievingly. 

“Aye.”  She answered, “She too young to see a cock, Finn.” 

“She wouldn’t even know what it is… And she’s asleep anyway.”  He urged, but he knew that he wouldn’t go through with it; Rae was right.  He put his hands in her hair and remembered what it felt to have her lips around his cock and groaned.  She licked along his bulge again and he imagined her tongue licking up the length of his shaft; he could almost feel it. 

They both jumped when there was a knock on the door and Rae buried her face in his lap laughing.  This didn’t help Finn’s desire at all.  But she was up and going to the door in a flash, Finn’s hungry eyes following her. 

When she opened the door, Finn furrowed his brows; he recognised the delivery guy. 

“Hi Rae!”  He said happily while Finn scrambled to think where he knew him from.

“It’s Finn right?”  He asked warmly and Finn nodded, “How you going?”

“Yeah alright.”  Finn answered.

“How are you James?”  Rae asked as she invited him in, having to go to Finn to get the money.  Finn pulled his wallet out of his pocket.

“Yeah good!”  He smiled happily, “Doing me second year of College here in Stamford.”  He told her.

“I thought you finished that last year?”  Rae handed over the money and James gave her the pizza.

“Nah, I took the year off cos me parents…”  He paused, a sadness coming over his face.  Rae had heard that James’ parents had died while on a business trip in Lijiang China.  There had been a massive earthquake and hundreds of people had died.  They’d never even found their bodies, he’d just never heard from them again. 

“Oh right.”  She answered sympathetically. 

“I’m living with me Nan now.”  He explained and Finn finally placed him: Mrs Dewhurst’s grandson. 

“Well that’s good!”  Rae grinned, “I’ll get to see you more again!”  James grinned and started to laugh.  He turned his eyes to Finn

“We used to run around the street together when I visited me Nan.”  He explained, “When we was little.” 

“Chloe had such a crush on you!”  Rae told him and he chuckled. 

“I hope she doesn’t still have a crush on me!”  He joked and his eyes lingered on Rae’s face before flitting over to Finn’s face.  Finn narrowed his eyes slightly, not sure how to read James.

“I think you’re safe!”  Rae laughed. 

“O’ course!  Miss Beauty Queen’s probably moved on to bigger and better things than me!”  He laughed, “Like him.”  He nodded towards Finn, his eyes appraising him, “You got a thing for Chlo?”  He asked.

“Um no…”  Finn answered uncomfortably. 

“Oh right?”  James laughed, “You must be what, one of only about five guys who don’t want her?” 

“Aye, she not my type.”  Finn responded, wanting to always reassure Rae, his eyes found her face, but she was laughing with James. 

“You loved that I never liked her didn’t you Miss Earl?”  He laughed and she nodded her head.  Finn’s ears pricked at his use of ‘Miss Earl.’

“It made for a nice change!”  Rae agreed, “But she deserves all the love she gets.”  Rae said honestly, “She such a good friend.”

“Oh, you two close again?”

“James!”  Rae laughed, “You’re not all up to date with the gossip!”  She hit his arm, “Where have you been these past few years?”

“Taking school way too seriously.”  He answered, “I wanna be a doctor so…”  He sighed.  “Well I better get going.”  He told her and looked back to Finn, “It was great to see you again Finn.”  He nodded awkwardly, Finn nodding in reply, still not sure what to make of him.  James looked back at Rae with a huge grin, drawing her into his arms for a big hug.  “See you around Earl!”  He left without looking back and Rae locked the door behind him.  Finn put James from his mind and pulled the coffee table up close to them while Rae got two cups and turned on the tv.  Finn sprawled across the lounge and set up the pizza, garlic bread and coke all within arm’s reach.  Rae looked at him hogging all of the lounge, a piece of garlic bread already in his mouth and shook her head.  She went to the lights to turn them off so they could watch the movie in darkness.  She flicked it once and found herself having to flick it again.  She sighed and tried to relax, to get it under control.  As soon as the light went back on and then off again Finn jumped off the lounge and came to her.  This light switch panel had a switch for the longue room and the kitchen on it.  He put a hand on her lower back gently and put his fingers on the light switch to the kitchen and started to flick it in time with her.  Rae turned her eyes to him.

“What are you doing?” 

“We’re in this together.”  He said simply, “We got another two to go.”  He said, knowing how many times she had to flick them.  He saw a strange look in her eyes and tried to smile reassuringly, “We’re always in this together, Rae.” 

“I don’t want you to end up like me.”  She said and Finn took his fingers off the light. 

“I were just trying another way to show I support you.”  He told her and she nodded.

“Message received.”  She said without looking at him and flicked the light another two times.  He kissed her cheek. 

“Do you need to go for another eight?”  He asked and she nodded slowly.  He tightened his hold of her waist but made no attempt to stop her.  He watched as she flicked the lights another eight times.  She took a deep breath.

“Alright.”  She smiled apologetically and Finn gave her the same smile in return.  “Thanks for that.”  She turned to him. 

“I just want you to know that I’m here.  And you don’t have to be ashamed or nothing.”

“I know.”  She answered and stroked his face, “Thank you.”

“Sorry I did a shite job of it.”  He said bracingly. 

“No you didn’t.”  She looked over at the pizza, “I’m starving.”  Finn took her hand and they headed back to the lounge, Finn once again spreading out on it. 

“Alright, guess I’m sitting on the floor.”  She sulked slightly.

“Don’t be daft, come lie on me.”  He opened his arms for her.

“I’m too heavy Finn.”  She lowered her eyes.

“No you’re not, get your fucking arse over here!”  She scoffed.

“Alright.”  Finn heard her tone; knew she was convinced that she was too heavy, but he was having none of it. 

“Get that body on me.” He said lustily as she laid down on him gingerly.  He shifted slightly and sighed happily as she found a comfortable way to lie, pressed up against him, on her side, a great deal of her weight on him, the rest taken by the back of the lounge.  He happily wrapped one arm around her shoulders, and with his free hand reached down for the garlic bread and handed her a piece.  Rae found that she could eat easily in this position, but drinking would be harder.  She put her head on his chest, grinning happily and settled in to watch the movie with him. 


	3. Chapter 2 - And the Dust Settles (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the 2nd episode of Season 4 MMFD fanfic.
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I've had to post it in 2 parts! 
> 
> cheers m'dears xo
> 
> WARNING: the smut in the ‘Erotica by Madonna’ and ‘Hard on for Love by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds’ scenes is not for everyone; if you’re offended, confronted or shocked by certain sexual things, you might wanna skim read or skip those scenes (but I hope you don’t, cos they’re kinda fun scenes). These two scenes are set at a live sex show and Rae and Finn see things and even do things that are a little risqué to say the least. I didn’t set out to offend or upset or disturb anyone when I wrote these scenes (in fact I ended up editing it to reign it in a bit), I just wanted to continue the sexual exploration between Rae and Finn, and this was a good way for them to start setting an upper limit on how far they were willing to go; so please accept my apologies if you don’t like the scenes (but I hope you do, and I know some of you will) and try to understand their purpose; exploration, fun, and understanding / finding one’s own limits.

 

_ ‘Canzonetta Sull'aria’ by Mozart _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc3fmSSUwck>

 

The weeks of the holidays breezed by beautifully, but all too fast.  Chloe commented more than once that she was getting her wish; things were peaceful, settled.  Tom and Rhys attended their outings at the pub, Danny came about a third of the time.  They drank, they partied, they had a good time. 

Everyone in the gang had also noted that this was the longest Rae and Finn had gone without arguing.  It was Archie who noted to Finn, that it was the longest they’d gone without Phillip being around, Finn however had rejected that idea because he was focusing more on what Rhys had said; earning Rae’s love and respect.  Other lads were not his problem.  It was easier said than done of course; James had piqued a small hint of jealousy in him, and the constant visits to Liam had made him grind his teeth.  But for the most part, Finn was successfully making other lads not his focus when it came to his relationship with Rae.  When it came to his relationship, Rae was to be his focus entirely now. 

Rae had simply felt that it was a return to Finn’s early cheeky, happy mood and was grateful for it.  She didn’t want to examine it too much in case it disappeared. 

All too soon the 12th came and Finn was driving their car to London, Rae sitting beside him, her hand resting on his thigh as she watched the traffic move ahead of them.  Chop’s grandfather was staying in Italy for this summer and had allowed Chop the use of his terrace in Knightsbridge.  It wasn’t that far from his uncle’s house in Kensington, so they already knew the area fairly well.

“Fuck Chop’s family is fucking rich.”  Rae marvelled as they drove past Kensington Palace.  The neighbourhoods surrounding the palace were filled with very rich people. 

“I had no fucking idea how rich they are,” Finn said, “He’s right embarrassed about.”

“Why the fuck would you be embarrassed about it?”

“Cos the rest of us aren’t.”  Finn answered.  “The closest we got to rich in our group of acquaintances, is Phil, I reckon.”  Finn mused.

“Yeah but his house is nothing like these.”  Rae countered.

“Exactly.”  Finn said pointedly, “Phil’s family is like a baby in comparison to Chop’s.”  Finn said happily; he was glad Phil wasn’t this rich as well as all the other things he had going for him, “But even so, his house is impressive in comparison to mine.”  Finn continued.

“I prefer your house though.”  Rae responded honestly, “His house isn’t that impressive you know.”

“I know.”  Finn answered with a happy smirk, “But even so, Phil keeps it to himself.  Imagine how Chop feels.”

“Aye but Chop’s direct family is poorer than mine.”  Rae said sadly, “It’s so weird.” 

“But Chop’s doing well for himself.”  Finn answered.

“O’ course.”  Rae replied, “He’s determined to not be his dad.”  Finn nodded his agreement.

“And the harder he works, and the better he does for himself and the less like his dad he is… the more his rich relatives like him.”  Finn said with sage nod.  They pulled up in front of the terraced house and Rae shook her head.

“Bloody hell.”  She whispered.  “Are you sure this is the right address”

“Aye.”  Finn answered softly. 

“None of these places are worth less than a couple o’ million pound you know.”  She said softly, almost afraid to think it.  “And Chop told me that this is the least expensive home his grand-da owns.”  Rae added.  Finn nodded his head slowly, Chop had told him that too, and got out to open the door for her.  He carried their bags easily, his increasing strength becoming more apparent even to him.  And she had the key, given to her by Chop with grave warnings to not lose it.  Rae unlocked the door and was greeted by a warm home, painted in neutral tones with tasteful, elegant décor. 

“Chop says there’s an indoor pool downstairs.”  Finn told her and she grinned, her mind going instantly to sex.  She saw Finn sharing her grin and wished that they were staying alone for longer before the gang came.

“There’s a fucking lift!”  She laughed and they took the lift to the top floor of the six storey house, and looked around for the master bedroom.  It had a huge king bed with a massive ensuite, another huge round bathtub like the one in the Sutherland house and a dressing room, filled with clothes.  Rae pulled a face and closed the wardrobe.

“I think we’re supposed to be staying in one of the guests rooms.”  Rae whispered as if they were trespassing.  But Finn shrugged.

“The sheets are clean, the bed is huge, the bathtub is perfect… I’m staying here.” 

“Alright.”  Rae grinned cheekily. 

“Fancy a bath?”  He asked and she nodded excitedly.

“But first I wanna give you one of three birthday presents.”  She grinned.

“You what?’  He looked surprised, “I thought you weren’t getting anything that cost money…?” She sat him down on the bed.

“They didn’t cost that much…”  Rae’s mind went to her necklace, “Certainly not as much as the presents you got me.”  She added but Finn shook his head.

“I were already happy for what you did on me birthday.”  When May 9th had come around, they’d ditched school and made love all morning at his place; Rae taking her time to do everything to please him.  He hadn’t needed anything more than that.  But then she had driven him to the river and laid out a blanket for them.  She had made a picnic lunch for him, including a chocolate cake, made from scratch.  Given how much she hated cooking and how bad she felt she was at it, Finn had been deeply touched by the effort and care she’d taken.  The food had been quite good by Rae’s standards of cooking, even the chocolate cake, which Finn had found a large piece of egg shell in, but had managed to dispose of it without Rae ever knowing.  After they had eaten they had laid around lazily in the sun, Rae had produced a sheet of paper from her wallet and unfolded it; reading him a short story she had written for him; about a boy and a girl falling in love, overcoming difficulties and living happily ever after.  She had handed him the hand written story and he had treasured it, keeping it folded in his wallet, taking it with him everywhere.  The gang had headed down to the river after school and work and they had had beers in the park until about 10pm.  It was Thursday and everyone had places to be on Friday, so they had all headed home and he’d fucked Rae quite passionately in the backseat of their car in the driveway to his home.  The next evening his dad shouted the gang dinner at the pub; Finn had chosen the pub and the Friday night rather than the Thursday night, so that he could get wasted with his mates.  After dinner quite a few more people showed up for the party, and Gary paid for the gang’s drinks all night.  Even Rae’s mum and Karim came for the pub dinner, but they didn’t stay long for the party.  Finn had been infinitely content with this birthday, but on Saturday morning, his father presented him with a new motorbike and he’d been beyond happy.  Linda and Karim had bought him and Rae new helmets.  He hadn’t expected one third of what he’d gotten already so for her to be saying she had something else for him was a real surprise.

“I had to wait a bit longer to be able to afford it.”  She apologised, “so that’s why you’re getting them now, so late… plus one of them needed to be London.”  She grinned enigmatically and he furrowed his brow in excited anticipation and surprise. 

“Had to be in London?”  All he got in way of a reply was a nod.  She dug into her bag and produced a small envelope.  He grinned happily and opened it up.  It was the £100 gift card for red eye.  Finn’s jaw dropped.

“Holy fuck!”  He said happily; £100 would go very far in red eye.  “How d’you afford this?”  He asked amazed.

“Shush.”  She responded to his question and kissed him when he looked up at her.  “I just did.”  She added and he accepted that.  “You still got another two to come.”

“When?”  He asked keenly.

“Wednesday and Thursday.”  She told him and wandered off into the ensuite, slowly stripping off her clothes.  He watched her go and then looked back down at the gift card.  It was perfect; he could spend a whole Saturday in the store spending it, listening to CDs and carefully deciding what he wanted.  She’d be there with him, arguing with him over which albums were better, but resolutely refusing to tell him what to actually buy.  He slipped the gift card into his wallet and stripped his clothes off hurriedly.  He looked into the ensuite at her filling up the bath tub and went back to his bag; he’d packed a few books that he wanted to read to her.  After she had read her hand written story to him, he had been struck by the idea of reading something to her.  He looked down at the books and tried to choose which one.  He looked up out of the window, and then around the room as if it would provide an answer for him.  He saw an old fashioned record player with a record still on the deck.  He walked over and turned the machine on before carefully putting the stylus on the record.  Rae poked her head out of the ensuite when the classical music started.  He grinned and turned back to her.

“I believe an evening of high culture and love making is called for.”  He said and picked up the book he knew he had to read if they were listening to this music.  “Thank you for me present.”  He kissed her lips and groaned appreciatively at the feel of her fingers running down his chest.

“Wait till you get the others.”  She responded, and when she bent to check the water temperature, Finn slid his fingers down her crack familiarly, Rae enjoying the way he touched her at every opportunity.  He got in the bath and opened his arms for her to lie down next to him.

“I fucking love these big baths.”  Rae said, “There’s enough room for ten people in them.” 

“Aye.”  He kissed her forehead as she nestled down into his arms.  He carefully kept the book out of the water.

“What you got there?” 

“I wanted to read you something I quite like.”  He hoped she’d like the idea as much as he did.

“Alright.”  She grinned, her curiosity piqued.

“The choice might surprise you.” 

“Try me.”  She said, her eyes closed, her ear pressed to his chest hearing his heartbeat.

“‘Akhenaten’ by Dorothy Porter.”  He said, knowing she’d be surprised, and she shot a look at him, exactly as he had expected. 

“Phil’s book?”  She asked bewildered.

“Aye.”  He answered, “It’s a good book.  Not gonna hold the fact that it’s Phil’s against it.”  She grinned in response to his joke, “You read it?”

“Not yet.”  She hadn’t wanted to rile him up by being seen reading it so close to the argument they’d had.  She was waiting till things settled down further.  Seems they had settled far more than she thought. 

“Well allow me.”  He opened the book and started to read it slowly to her.  Rae closed her eyes and enjoyed the sound of Finn’s voice speaking poetry to her.  She had already read the first poem when Phil had loaned her the book, but hearing Finn read it made it infinitely more magical.  She was entranced and Finn could tell how much she was enjoying this by the small noises she made when the poetry was particularly clever or beautiful.  Rae was drawing all the same parallels Finn did, thinking of their own relationship growing together as Akhenaten’s and Nefertiti’s relationship blossomed.  Finn smiled as he opened up the next poem and let his fingers trace around her nipple as he read the title.

“Nefertiti rides me.”  Rae chuckled and looked up at him as he read, “Her cunt slippery on the hot skin of my belly.  She’s sticky with my glue – that high stink of seed!”  Rae chortled and slowly got up to straddle him as he read, “My tongue tastes her sap, a sweet-honey shot with salt, still wild in the corners of my mouth.”  Rae groaned and kissed his neck as he read, determined to finish the poem, “I want to hold her, I want to lie still,”  Rae chuckled at the parallel that was easily drawn; right now Finn wanted her to be still too, “but she’s not finished, her eyes are shut, her breath a stammering breeze, now, now, oh, yes.”  Rae reached down and slid Finn’s cock into her and he groaned and bit his bottom lip, keeping his eye on the book, “she growls like the desert, melts like sleep and anoints me exquisitely.”  He started to gasp as Rae rode him, “I’m her war horse.  She looks down from hooded eyes and laughs, laughs.  I love her more than Aten.”  He finished the poem and threw the book towards the door of the ensuite carefully – to stop it from getting wet as water splashed out of the bath tub; Rae sliding on him exquisitely.  His hands went to her face.  “I love you.”  He told her through an ecstatic sigh.

“I love you Finn.”  She was still laughing as she bent down to kiss his lips passionately.  

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I Can’t Seem to Make You Mine’ by The Ramones _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2nbrCbcehg>

 

Phil yawned, stretched and opened his eye slowly, looking around his room groggily.  He and his mates from London and Kelsey and her mates had had quite a blinder last night and his head was letting him know about it this morning.  He had been in London for three weeks already and he’d been very busy. 

Only two days after getting to London, one of Kelsey’s mates had made a move on him.  She had the most beautiful big brown eyes and he had been lost in her eyes for so long that before he knew it she was kissing him, her hands going down his pants.  He had stopped her moments later and she had sulked so much for the rest of the night that Kelsey had gotten cranky with her. 

The next morning Kelsey had sat him down and asked him why he hadn’t just gotten a free blow job.  He had poured his heart out about Rae to his sister and she had given him a huge hug and one sentence of advice:

“Get over her.” 

So he had decided to try and do that, because it made sense to him.  Rae might not have told him no, but if he was honest, his chances were slim to none.  He had spent the last three weeks trying to wipe her from his mind.  He hadn’t gotten a ‘free blowjob’ but he had gotten very drunk numerous times, made out with several different girls, fingering one of them to a shuddering orgasm that had both surprised and delighted him, and tried to not think about Rae at all.  So of course he thought about Rae every day.  But he felt that he was getting over her slowly, in fact, he was starting to tell himself that what he felt for her was a deep friendship love.  He was sure that the next time he saw her in a little over 3 weeks back at school, he’d be able to continue to tell himself that.  He would conquer this.  He was thinking of calling the girl he had fingered; getting to know her better.  Maybe that would be his task for the day.  He had no desire to drink again for a few days, and most of his mates were at work; most of them hadn’t gone to College, so only a few of them were available on weekdays.  A quite day alone might be best, followed by dinner with that girl… he couldn’t remember her name.

_Bad show Phil._

He chided himself as he plodded into his ensuite.

_If you’re going to put your fingers inside a girl, you should at least remember her name… or even know it!_

He thought with horror as he realised he’d never gotten her name at all; just her number. 

“Oh god.”  He said in awe at his own terribleness.  He peed as he told himself to not become one of those lads.  Those lads who treated girls as disposable interchangeable objects.  Being in London with the lads he’d grown up with before being moved to Stamford had been good for him.  And Kelsey coming for a visit to see her friends had been the best thing of all.  She always helped him keep his focus and not get too caught up with his parents and Stamford and playing the game of keeping up appearances.  Being in London helped remind him of who he was and what his true dreams were.  Even if being in this house did nothing to help.

“Only one more year.”  He mumbled to himself.  Once College was done he’d be out of his parent’s house forever.  He had enough money for university saved already, so he didn’t feel too guilty about wasting his allowance over the summer holidays like this.  And by the time he ran out of money for university, he’d be 21 years old and his trust fund would be available.  His mother had set them up for him and Kelsey when the money had started rolling in, back when she was more interested in being a good mother than a rich wife.  The amount of money in the trust finds was obscene, and they couldn’t be touched by their parents.  In two years’ time Kelsey would be rich, and in four years’ time, Phillip would be too.  But Phillip cared much less for that than he did for getting the marks and portfolio he needed to get into a good acting course.  He went back to his room and pulled on a pair of jeans and nothing else.  He pulled up the zip but not the button and headed downstairs to the kitchen.  Kelsey was in the kitchen making herself a cheese sandwich.  She didn’t have a bedroom anymore because she had been disowned by their parents, so she was sleeping in one of the guest rooms.  If their parents found out they’d be furious. 

“Want one?”  She asked and he nodded, clearing his throat. 

“Thanks.”  He said and went to the fridge to get a can of coke.  “I’m gonna sit on the stoop.”  He told her.

“I’ll bring it out to you.”  She looked up at him.  “You going out like that?”  She asked him and he looked down at his bare chest and shrugged.

“What?”

“Three weeks ago you worried about me seeing you topless, now the whole of Herbert Crescent gets to see it?”  She chuckled.  Phillip considered this for a moment.

“Well having a bunch o’ girls hit on you every time you go drinking improves your self-esteem.”  He replied with another shrug.

“Figured out you got our good genetics huh?”  She grinned, “You’re as fit as me.”  Phillip scrunched up his face.

“I dunno.”  He mumbled, “But I know it’s no big hardship for most people to see me topless.”  He watched his sister put a piece of chocolate in her mouth and she threw him a piece when she saw him looking.  He savoured the flavour with a grin. 

“Forget it Phil, the Seymour’s are hot!”  She laughed.

“You don’t worry that that’s a bit vain to say?”  He asked with a furrowed brow.

“Nope.”  She answered simply, “It’s honest.” 

“But then are there people you think are not hot?” 

‘The cop that arrested me last month.”  She laughed.

“How’d you get out o’ that?”  He asked as she threw him another piece of chocolate.

“Fucked him.”  She shrugged, “You men are all alike.” 

“Thanks.”  He shook his head and laughed, “Alright, the sun’s calling me.”  He looked over at the clock, it was only 6am.  “Ugh.”  He muttered in distaste and went out to the front stairs to sit and watch the world for a while.  He might even go for a walk in the park in a bit; he’d have to put some more clothes on for that though.  Kelsey came out and handed him two sandwiches on a plate and the rest of the block of chocolate before sitting beside him. 

“That house needs some art.”  She nodded to the neighbouring terrace house.  Phil grinned, their terrace house and the neighbour’s house were the two largest in the row.  She wanted to burn down their house one day, and now she wanted to graffiti the neighbour’s house.  She had taken the withdrawal of their parent’s love very hard.  He understood that. 

“What kind of art?”

“Something anti-capitalist.”  She mused as the door opened.  “Hello, first time we’ll ever see our new neighbour!”  She hissed to Phillip and he looked away, not wanting to stare.  They had assumed that the old Peters family had sold the place because no one had been in it for ages and they were keen to see the new rich folks that owned it now, “Not what I expected.”  She mumbled and Phillip rolled his eyes.

“Phillip?”  He heard her surprised voice and looked over, his mouth agape.

“Rae?”  His voice cracked spectacularly and Kelsey looked down quickly to hide her laugh.  She was wearing a raggedy old dressing gown that reminded him of a tube of toothpaste.  Her hair looked wild; like she’d just gotten out of bed after a night of spectacular shagging.  She had a cup of tea in her hands, her feet were bare, and it suddenly struck Phil that she was possibly wearing nothing under that dressing gown. 

“What are you doing here?”  She asked, clearly amazed to be seeing him. 

“Um.”  He replied, not wanting to say the truth.

“This is our parent’s house.”  Kelsey answered with a straight face.  She saw Phil lower his eyes and blush from the corner of her eye.  Then she had to hold in her laughter in the exquisite moment where her baby brother realised he wasn’t wearing a shirt in front of the girl he was in love with.  He cleared his throat and went from leaning back on the stairs to sitting up, his arms shielding his naked torso, almost hiding behind his sister. 

“This is your place?”  She asked him in awe.  And then she remembered her manners, “You must be Kelsey?”  She asked apologetically, “I’m sorry for the dodgy introductions.  I’m Rae, I go to College with Phillip.”

“Oh I know.”  Kelsey answered.  “He’s told me all about you!”

“Oh right?”  Rae chuckled, “I’m sure I’m only half as bad as he made me out to be.” 

“He tells me you’re lovely.”  She tried to not laugh as she heard Phil groan quietly to himself.

“Ah well then I’m twice as bad as he said.”  Kelsey smiled graciously and turned to Phil. 

“Well I’d better go inside and let you two catch up.”  She turned back to Rae, “Nice to meet you Rae.”  She smiled genuinely and got up, retreating into the house.  Phillip looked up at Rae properly for the first time and all the feelings he had for her crashed back into him, winding him with their ferocity.  No.  It wasn’t friendship love. 

“This your place?”  He leaned down into his legs casually, crossing his arms over his knees, hiding his torso and reached for one of his sandwiches. 

“No Phillip.”  Rae answered deadpan.  “Why would you think this is my place?”  She laughed at him and shook her head. 

“Cos…”  He nodded at her dressing gown and she shrugged.

“It’s Chop’s grandfather’s place.”  She explained and Philip only partially understood that; Chop? 

“Oh right.”  He cleared his throat and took a sip of his coke before beginning his sandwich.

“I’ve never seen you have coke before.” She said eyeing his food.

“Yeah.”  He said softly, “My parents don’t let me have it.  Or bread, or cheese, or chocolate… or a whole myriad of things.”  He looked at her and lowered his eyes.

“They worried you’ll get fat?”  She asked him astutely and he looked up with a rueful smile and bit into his sandwich with real relish. 

“Careful Phil.”  She joked, “The fat’ll come out o’ nowhere and attack you.  You’ll be sorry you messed with danger like this.”  He laughed and took another bite. 

“I fucking love cheese!”  He told her happily.

“Did you just say fuck?”  Rae asked him, “You never say fuck!”

“I say it quite a bit actually.”  Phil answered, “Surprised you never heard me.” 

“I guess you’re on your best behaviour around me.”  She grinned and came and sat on the stairs with him.

“So how long are you here for?”  He asked her, desperately hoping Finn wasn’t here too.  Finn, however, was sleeping happily upstairs, exhausted after their extended shag-fest last night and this morning.  Rae was pretty tired too, but insomnia was biting again. 

“Till the 24th.  Got here yester.”  She told him and he offered her a bite of her sandwich but she refused and drank her tea. 

“I’m here for the rest of the holidays.  We should hang out while you’re around.”

“Aye.”  Rae answered and then considered if Finn would be ok with that.  “The last time we talked, I recall that you was telling me some Qabbani poems.”  She reminded him.

“Ah yes, I did imply I would tell you more.”  He grinned, “But I’m rather hung over, and I’m not so sure that my brain’s working at full speed this morning.” 

“You’re hung over?”  Rae asked in surprise.

“Sadly yes.”  He looked at her surprised face and enjoyed that his actions had shocked her a little.

“What have you been up to these holidays Phillip?”  She asked in mock severity.

“What haven’t I been up to?”  He laughed.

“I’m shocked.”  Rae responded. 

“Good.”  He finished his sandwich and drank some coke.  “Qabbani.”  He said with a sigh, “Alright, let’s see what I can remember from my favourite poem of his yeah?”  Rae nodded.

Finn woke up to an empty bed, but there was a short letter on her pillow ‘taking tea on the doorsteps.’  He grinned and got up to look out the window at the front stoop.  He saw her, talking with Phillip.

“What the fuck?”  He asked softly.  “Why is he…?”  Realisation dawned on him as he recognised Phil’s state of undress; he lived here.  He was this rich. 

“It’s called ‘letter from under the sea.’”  Phil took a moment to gather his thoughts before beginning the poem; “If you are my friend,” he turned his eyes to her, “help me to leave you.  Or if you are my lover, help me so I can be healed of you.”  Rae felt that he was speaking on a very personal level to her, even though she knew it was a poem written by another person, “If I knew that the ocean is very deep, I would not have swam.  If I knew how I would end, I would not have began.”  He looked down at Rae’s lips and her breath caught, this poem, written by a Syrian diplomat, was about her for him.

Finn saw the way they maintained eye contact, he could see Phil’s face, and only the back of her head, but he could see the intensity all over their bodies. 

“I desire,” Phil continued softly, his eyes flicking up to her eyes, “so teach me to not desire.  Teach me to cut the roots of your love from the depths.  Teach me how tears may die in the eyes and love may commit suicide.”  He stopped and furrowed his brows, looking down, embarrassed, “There’s a lot more like that… it ends with him thinking that he’s breathing underwater, but then realising he’s actually drowning.”

But Finn’s eyes were not as clouded as they had been in the past, and he saw the slightly guarded way she held herself.  She had interest in him, beyond friendship even, there was no doubt of that, but it didn’t match his interest in her. 

“Phil…”  Rae didn’t know how to ask him if that poem was about her for him. 

“Poetry wasn’t the only thing that happened that night Rae.”  He kept his eyes lowered, “There was that shit with Finn.”  He looked up at her and she felt her heart skip a beat.  There was no questioning the desire in his eyes.  She lowered her eyes and caught sight of his body as she did.  Phil was very fit.  “Are you alright after that?”  He asked her sincerely and she furrowed her brows.

“Why would you think I’m not?”  Rae asked him, her mind simply bemoaning the fact that things just got a whole lot more complicated. 

Finn was surprised to see that bit of interest from Rae, but before his anger rose, his mind reminded him sharply of Elsa and he was silenced instantly.  She looked at Phillip in the same way he looked at Elsa.  And in all fairness, if he were to have a problem with that, then he needed to address his continuing silent infatuation with Elsa. 

“Because it was a very ugly scene.”  He answered.  “And I don’t know what Finn was like after that… to you…?”  Rae heard the worry in his voice.

“Finn is always lovely to me.”  But Rae realised it was a lie.  He had yelled her that time when she went jogging, that had been awful. 

“You guys do argue a lot.”  He noted.

“Actually a lot o’ the arguments are over you.”  She said and raised her eyes to him, wanting to provoke him into telling her how he felt.  She needed to un-complicate this thing right now.  Phil felt an unexpected sense of elation, followed by a crushing sense of guilt; he hated to be the one causing her so much pain.  He nodded sadly.

“Has he told you to stop being friends with me?”  He asked numbly. 

“He’s never told me to stop being friends with you.”  Rae said honestly.  She omitted the fact that he had come close to doing it.  “And I don’t think he ever will.”  She added, “He’s not what you think he is.” 

“Alright.”  Phil said softly and unfolded his arms, his worry over his naked torso forgotten, “What if he does tell you to?”  He asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. 

“If he does.”  Rae started softly, but knew she had to strengthen her voice, “I’ll comply with his wishes.”  Phil gave her a painful look and she fortified her heart against his pain, “He’d only ask me if it really meant a lot to him.”  She defended Finn, “And what kind o’ partner would I be if I didn’t do the things he needs me to?”

Finn understood now that the reason he had been so upset with Phil was because he wasn’t as disinterested as Elsa apparently was.  Finn knew he’d be happy with someone like Elsa; she’d feed the more hedonistic elements of his personality nicely, and he could love her easily.  But she had clearly made herself unavailable to him, and he was fine with that, because in reality, his desire for Rae far outstripped anything he felt for Elsa: Elsa was a candle, Rae was the sun.  But Rae’s candle, Phillip, wanted her desperately.  He laughed.

“The sun is fearing the candle.”  He whispered to himself. 

His mind connected the dots quickly.  Rae believed that Elsa was superior to her, and in some ways he supposed she would be, like life and sexual experience due to age… but Finn didn’t see it that way.  In his mind Rae was superior in all ways.  And Finn knew with no doubt at all that he belonged to Rae.  Finn saw the parallel to his own fear that Phil was superior to him, and in some ways he might be… Finn realised with perfect clarity that it was ridiculous to worry about Phillip, because Rae didn’t need to worry about Elsa; he would never choose Elsa over Rae. 

“Sometimes the heat of the candle seems fierce, but the sun could obliterate the candle in a heartbeat.”  He laughed to himself and went to the ensuite for a shower.  Phil still irked him, because he understood that attraction Rae had towards him, she’d probably always have it, just as he’d always admire Elsa... but he didn’t fear Phillip anymore.  He understood it now.  He sang happily in the shower feeling strangely liberated. 

“I’m sorry Phillip.”  She said softly, lowering her eyes. 

“Does our friendship mean nothing?”  His sorrow finally got to her and she took his hand.

“Of course you mean something to me.”  She said firmly, “This friendship is as important to me as my friendship with Archie, and that’s saying something cos he’s the only other person with four names in the gang!”  She told him and he grinned wanly.  “But Finn will always come first.” 

“Lucky he’ll never ask then.”  Phil had meant to sound bitter, but had ended up sounding oddly happy with that.  He hated how he could never control himself fully around her. 

“Yeah!”  She answered sunnily, “I don’t wanna lose our friendship Phil.”  She said honestly, “I do tell him that’s all it is.”  She said pointedly, “I’m not sure why he keeps seeing more.”  She shrugged, “We know better though.”  She tried to get him to agree that all they had was friendship.  He nodded thoughtfully and Rae felt relieved. 

“So is he here?”  He asked carefully.

“Aye.”  She answered with equal care.

“Well I guess we won’t be hanging out then.”  Rae finished her tea and shrugged.

“You never know Phil.”  She hugged him gently, noticing his nakedness even more and withdrew from the hug suddenly.  She lowered her eyes.  “I’ll see you round, me ol’ pal.”  She got up and wandered back to her place, Phil watching her go.  He picked up his second sandwich and ate it thoughtfully. 

_Why did she pull out of the hug so suddenly?_

_It was cos I were semi-naked._

_Did it gross her out?_

_Or did she like it?_

_Stop it Phil._

The words of his sister came back to him.

_Get over her._

“Easier said than done.”  He muttered darkly. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Vow’ by Garbage _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rb7fLA5ccWg&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rb7fLA5ccWg&feature=kp)

 

Rae furrowed her brows and climbed the stairs instead of taking the lift.  She was re-thinking some of the things she said to Phillip now, not sure that she had been clear enough with him.  She got to two flights and looked longingly at the lift. 

“Nope.”  She told herself and took the third and then the fourth flight of stairs reluctantly.  There were even underground floors on this house.  She was just in awe of it, but was very glad she didn’t have to take the stairs from the very bottom floor, with the pool up to the top one.  She heard him singing happily before she got to the top of the last flight of stairs and grinned, all thoughts of Phil leaving her head.  She loved it when he was this happy.  She went into the ensuite and watched him showering for a while before he saw her and motioned for her to join him.  She undid her robe and let it fall to the ground.  He put his arms on her shoulders as soon as she walked into the huge shower.

“Good morning Mrs Nelson.”  He grinned and kissed her lips firmly. 

“Good morning to you!”  She giggled, taken aback by his happiness.  He was like the sun when he was in this mood, and she soaked in is warmth happily.  Finn noticed her happiness, understood that it fed off his own, and felt that he understood Rhys’s words even better.  He would work to keep that smile on her face. 

“What would you like to do today?”  He asked.

“Well I gotta make a phone call.”  She said, “Privately.”  She said pointedly and he gave her a curious face, “and then we can plan our day around that…”

“Around a phone call?”  He asked confused.

“Around what I find out from the phone call.”  She gave him an enigmatic smile.

“Is this one of me birthday presents?”  He guessed.

“Yes.”  She answered, “So you need to take a walk when I make the call.”  She told him.

“Alright.”  He kissed her lips again before grabbing some shampoo, “Posh shit.”  He grinned as he used it.

“You won’t believe who I ran into.”  She said cautiously as he rinsed his hair.

“Phillip.”  He answered and she stopped, surprised he knew. 

“What?  How did…?”

“I looked out the window to look at you taking tea on the stoop.”  He explained. 

“You didn’t…”  She regretted starting the sentence as soon as she opened her mouth.

“Run down the stairs to grab you away from the evil suitor?”  He grinned.

“Suitor?”  She shook her head.

“You can’t deny he wants you.”  He rolled his eyes.

“No I can’t.”  She said with a tone that made Finn realise something had changed.

“What happened?”  He furrowed his brows, “Did he say something?”

“Not really.”  She said softly, “But the way he looked at me… even I couldn’t deny it.”  She lowered her eyes, “It was overtly sexual.”  She raised her eyes to him, “I told him that I’d choose you over him though.”  She reassured him, “But I don’t think I was clear enough now that I look back on it.” 

“Don’t worry about it.”  Finn answered, still annoyed at Phillip.  He wasn’t afraid of Philip, and that meant that his temper was easily controllable, but it didn’t change that Phillip was irksome because he could see how tired Rae was of the whole thing. 

“I just want him as a friend.  I like him as a friend.  But I worry that I can’t have that.”

“If that’s what my girl wants.”  Finn said, “That’s what she’ll have.”  Finn said commandingly.  “I’ll make it happen.”

“You don’t have to.”  She sighed, “I know how you love to hate him.”

“I really do.”  He laughed.  “But he has done some pretty shitty things Rae.”  He said, “I know I don’t own you, but he could respect our relationship a bit more, you know?” 

“I know.”  She answered, “I didn’t realise how bad it was.  I definitely helped create the situation.”  She groaned, “I have to change my behaviour around him.”

“No you don’t.”  Finn said instantly, “I’m the one who created the situation the most by being so possessive.  It made him more determined to have you.”  He shushed her gently when she began to protest, “You treat him as a friend; you’re fine.  You have done nothing wrong.  It’s the two lads involved that have been the twats.” 

“I still need to be clearer.”

“Aye, if he tells you he loves him, be clear with him.  Otherwise, just be his friend.  That’s clear enough to anyone who’s being honest with themselves.” 

“You sound more like Rhys than you.”  She said suspiciously. 

“Good.”  He said, “Cos I been a right prick about this and I’d rather be supportive of you.”  He gave her a sly look, “I probably will still be a bit of a prick to Phil but.”  He grinned. 

“Oh aye?”  She asked with a grin.

“The fucker deliberately riles me up.  He does it a lot when you’re not looking.”  He added, letting Rae into a part of their rivalry she hadn’t been allowed into in the past, “I’m never not gonna give it back, you know?”

“I don’t expect you to not be you Finn.  I love you.”  She told him firmly, “If he’s a prick to you, you give it back.”  She furrowed her brows, “I don’t wanna be friends with someone who’s a prick to my boyfriend!” 

“Oh I started it.”  Finn laughed, “Don’t worry about it.”

“You started it?”

“I told you that me being possessive started a lot o’ this shit.”  He shook his head, “He just had a crush on you when I started in on him.  Now he’s completely in love with you.”

“You think he wouldn’t have ever loved me if you hadn’t been possessive?”  She asked curiously.

“Oh no, he would have.”  Finn said, “He was probably in love with you that first time he spoke to you, but he didn’t realise it.  If I hadn’t o’ been possessive, he might not of ever realised it.”  Rae considered this.

“Because your possessiveness made him scared he’d never get the chance to be with me.”  Finn nodded.

“Most College romances only last a few months.  He was willing to wait for us to fizzle out.  But my possessiveness made it clear to him that I wasn’t going anywhere; that there wasn’t gonna be a fizzling out.”  Finn shrugged, “made him want you more.”

“Pushed his feeling into sharp focus.”  Rae said slowly. 

“And made him more self-aware and determined.”  Finn sighed, “You can see his progression; he started being scared o’ me, not replying and ended up standing up to me, then deliberately riling me up.” 

“You kinda created your own self-fulfilling prophecy huh?”  She grinned at him.

“But I learned a valuable lesson, cos me girl is kind and patient with me bullshit.”  He grinned appreciatively at her.

“No more kind or patient than you are with mine.”  She reminded him and he shrugged.

“People are complicated.”  He said, “Life has ups and downs… If you’re not willing to take the good with the bad, you’ll never be happy.”  She kissed him, hard.  Finn wrapped his arms around her waist and held her to him; his sun. 

 

 

After the shower he picked up ‘Akhenaten’ and watched Rae take a piece of paper out of her diary.  He saw a phone number on it and felt curiosity gnawing at him. 

“I’ll take this back to Phillip while you call then?”  He held up the book and she grinned at him.

“Alright.”  She said, deciding not to tell him to play nice.  What would be the point?  After Finn finally admitted that he loved to hate Phil, Rae started to wonder if even half of their rivalry was about her at all.  She didn’t really care.  If Finn was okay with them being friends, and Phil could keep his being in love shit to a minimum, then she was happy.  He kissed her and headed down the stairs. 

He pressed the door bell and sucked his teeth while he waited for the door to be answered.  A beautiful young woman answered the door and looked Finn up and down obviously.

“Coming to London wasn’t a waste of time after all.”  She smiled seductively, “Hi, I’m Kelsey.  How can I help you?”

“I’m after Phil.”  Finn said disinterestedly, “Tell him Finn’s here.  He’ll be expecting me.”

“Oh.”  Kelsey said unimpressed, “London’s still a waste o’ bleedin’ time.”  She rolled her eyes, “You wanna give my little brother a fucking break?”  She admonished him sternly and Finn had to stop himself from laughing at how quickly her mood changed, “He can’t help who he loves any more than you can.  And he is trying to get over her.”

“He won’t.”  Finn said knowingly, “You don’t just get over Rae.” 

“Right, so you’re bollocksing ‘im for something you know he can’t stop?”  She asked unimpressed.  “Cos no, he can’t help who he loves and he can’t just get over her, but he can help how he acts.”  He answered firmly.

“Yeah, so can you.”  She said completely unfazed.  Finn grinned; he liked this girl.

“Yeah alright.”  He admitted. 

“Are you here to be a prick to him?”  She asked.

“A little.”  Finn admitted and she rolled her eyes.

“Alright, well he told me to expect you so…”  She looked back into the house and called out Phillip’s name loudly.

“Is it dick-wad?”  Phillip called back. 

“Yep.”  She answered loudly and Finn chuckled.  Phil sauntered in, still wearing no shirt and stood in the door.

“Thanks Kelsey.”  He said softly.

“Play nice you fuckers.”  She said and left.

“I like your sister.”  Finn said with a grin.

‘What you wanna fuck every girl I love?”  Phil asked with a sour look. 

“Depends.”  Finn said with a grin, “What’s your mother look like?”  Phillip looked away and shook his head.

“Alright Australopithecine, commence threatening me over Rae.”  Phil leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms nonchalantly.

“Australopithecine.”  Finn said in an impressed tone.  “That’s a good one.”  He nodded.

“Surprised you can say it.”

“I’m good at sciences.”  Finn explained and held up the book.  “I’m here about this book.”  Phillip looked at it.

‘What about it?”  He asked, not sure where Finn was going with this.  “Want me to stop loaning her books to read?  That’s a bit petty, even for you…”

“No, please, keep going.”  Finn answered and Phillip furrowed his brow, trying to detect the sarcasm, the threat… anything untoward. 

“I might give her ‘the Story of O’ next.”  Phil said with a grin. 

“Oh yeah, what’s that about?”  Finn asked.

“It’s about turning a woman into a sex slave.”  Phil said, “Basically.”  Finn narrowed his eyes, his good mood ebbing slightly.  Phil was really trying to push those buttons.  But then he remembered Rae riding him in the bath tub last night and grinned broadly.

“I think she’d like that book.”  Finn nodded his head, “So would I.”  Phil heard the hint of suggestion and looked away moodily.

“Oh well, I don’t have a copy of it, so I can’t.”  He changed his tune.

“Pity.”  Finn had to stop himself from laughing.  “Anyway, I came to return this one.”  Finn handed the book back to Phil and Phillip shook his head.

“You didn’t even let her read it, did you?”  Phillip lowered his eyes and looked at the book thoughtfully.

“No.”  Finn grinned sadistically, “I read it to her.” 

“Fuck off Lyn.  Big caveman like you wouldn’t understand it… wouldn’t even be interested.”  Phil shot him a dirty look but Finn just kept on grinning. 

“Oh come on Avril.” 

“Avril?”  Phil scoffed.

“It rhymes.”  Finn laughed before taking on a more serious demeanour.  “No really Phil.”  Phil looked at Finn suspiciously, “It were a great book.”  Finn continued, ignoring the look Phil was giving him, “you got great taste in literature.”

“I know.”  He answered sceptically; deeply suspicious of Finn’s words.  “Did you actually read it to her?”

“Aye.”  Finn grinned, trying to keep the sadistic edge out of his face, “I quite liked the poem ‘Nefertiti rides me.’”  Phil rolled his eyes.

“Of course you did.”  He shook his head.

“So did Rae.”  Finn finished suggestively, “Be sorry to see that book go.”  Phil narrowed his eyes, understanding what Finn was hinting at.  “Although the whole second half of it is quite… disturbing.”  Finn continued, “That Akhenaten fella is a wanker.”  Phillip scoffed and looked away.

“Yeah.”  He said softly. 

“That book is horrifying in parts!”  Finn chuckled.  “But brilliant.”  He added, “And Rae seems to enjoy disturbing stories like this so… good choice Philly me lad.”  Finn grinned sadistically as he watched Phil’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.  It would never not be fun messing with Phillip. 

“Did Rae tell you to play nice?”  Phil asked slowly.

“No.”  Finn answered honestly.  “I still really wanna smash your face in.”  Finn said with a happy tone of voice that confused Phil, “But fuck it, I’m in a good mood today.” 

“Oh good.”  Phillip said unimpressed, “Then by all means bless someone else with your mood.”  He started to close the door and Finn laughed.

“See you round Dillip.”

“As pleasant to see you as ever Quinn.”  Phillip closed the door and looked down at the book.  He flicked through the pages looking for anything odd.  There was nothing.  “Knowing that wanker he probably rubbed his cock all over it.”  Phillip left it on the table and shook his head in disgust at the thought.  “Fuck I hate that guy.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Erotica’ by Madonna _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyhdvRWEWRw>

 

It was nearly 9pm and she knew she had to get a move on.  Rae piled her hair into a high messy ponytail.  She was getting used to wearing her hair like this because of Aiesha and her little pulling hands, but tonight she wanted it to look sexy.  She pulled it out, brushed her hair aggressively, nervously and then put it back up in neat high pony tail that suited the dress more.  Izzy’s green dress had taught Rae that she looked quite good without underwear on, so she wore none under this dress; no bra, no knickers.  Her breasts filled the top and moved when she moved; not brutally held in place by a bra.  She unbuttoned a few buttons to show some cleavage. 

“I love this dress.”  She whispered happily to herself.  This would be the first time Finn saw her violet dress that she’d finally gotten off layby from curvy girl boutique.  She undid another button and grinned, “Positively obscene.”  She said in a posh accent, pretending she was a lady of this house.  If she was wearing a bra she wouldn’t be able to wear the dress unbuttoned this low without it showing.  She leaned forward and watched her breasts move forward in the dress.  Finn was waiting downstairs in jeans and a black singlet.  She looked at the address again:

The Towers

53 The Bishops Avenue

That was it.  But it had been easy to find on the map, and she had already memorised how to get there.  When she had called the woman, who had a strong and very seductive French accent, had immediately demanded to know who had given her the number.  Rae had told her, and she had become immediately warm and given her the address.  She spun in front of the mirror and saw the skirt flare up revealing her bare bottom.  She shook her head at her own nerve.

“What is it with London?’  She asked herself; this was the second time she’d be going out with no underwear on in this city.  She finished up her make-up carefully; dark smoky eyes and bright red lipstick.  She wore plain black shoes with no heel because she wanted her height to be good for Finn, and no jewellery other than her necklace.  She looked herself over in the mirror one last time and slowly headed downstairs. 

The minute Finn saw her he paused, his cigarette held to his lips, his eyes slowly crawling up and down her body, and then resting on her face.

“I like your dress.”  He said softly and she grinned before undoing another button, making her lack of bra undeniably obvious.  “What have you got planned Miss Earl?”  He asked her with a slow, seductive voice. 

“You’ll see.”  She handed him the piece of paper.  “We’re going there.”  She said and he looked at the address, his eyes quickly flashing back up to her face.

“This place is called Millionaire’s Row, Rae.”  Finn said surprised.  Rae tried to keep her confident demeanour; Rae had asked Chloe how to always look confident, her advice had been; ‘fake it till you make it babe.’ 

“Really?”  She asked in as confident a voice as she could muster, smirking at the end to make it seem that she already knew that.

“Yeah,” Finn answered, “Benji were telling us about on the way to Knebworth, apparently the Saudi royal family bought a whole bunch o’ the houses on the street about 5 years ago, and they’re all abandoned now… even though they’re worth millions o’ pounds.”  He scrunched up his face in memory, “he was saying we should throw a party in one of ‘em.”

“Who’d think to do such a thing?”  She asked with a sly grin, understanding why the live sex show was being performed there tonight. 

“Oh I see.”  He understood, “We’re going to a rave or something at one o’ these empty mansions?” 

“Or something.”  Rae answered non-committal and turned to leave.  Finn cocked an eyebrow at her as she left and got up, sucking on his cigarette heavily. 

They drove in silence for a short distance before Rae slowly lifted her skirt.  Finn looked over quickly before having to put his eyes back on the road.

“No knickers?”  He asked, sure that he’d caught a glimpse of her bush.  Rae made a soft noise in the affirmative.  She slipped her hands between her legs, Finn seeing her action from the corner of his eye.  Rae put a foot on the dash board and leaned the seat back slightly, her skirt pulled up, Finn could see her fingers moving in the corner of his eye.  He took another look and groaned in appreciation; she was masturbating.  He reached over to touch her and she instantly took his hand and put it on her cunt.  Finn kept his eyes on the road and groaned throatily as he felt her fingers pushing his fingers between her wet pussy lips.  He needed no urging to slide his fingers into her cunt and she groaned, her fingers rubbing her clit while he fingered her. 

“Fuck.”  Finn withdrew from her and changed gears, crunching them in his haste, before quickly slipping his fingers back into her. 

“We’re going somewhere quite interesting tonight.”  She told him and he nodded, not wanting to keep his eyes on the road but having to.  “I want you to have as much fun as you can, ok?”

“Alright.”  He answered nervously.  “Where are we going?”  He stuttered, “I mean I know where… but what?”

“You’ll see.”  She rasped out as her fingers started to move more rapidly.  Finn bit his bottom lip as she began to breathe louder, soft moans leaving her throat.   He looked over at her as she started to shake in orgasm and felt his cock already starting to ache.  He looked back at the road and put his fingers to his mouth to taste her.  She stayed sitting with her cunt exposed and he grinned lustily. 

“I wanna fuck you.”  He told her.

“Then fuck me.”  She replied and Finn noticed the sexual confidence in her voice. 

“Fucking hell girl, what are you doing to me?’  He mumbled, the ache in his balls deepening deliciously. 

“Whatever you tell me to.”  She answered and he held his breath for a moment as he considered this.  “For your second belated birthday present, you get to have all the power tonight.”  She said, mustering up as much seductiveness as she could, “I won’t argue, or fight you for power.  I’ll be little miss meek.” 

“Miss meek?’  He asked surprised, “You?”

“I’ll be submissive for the night, with no arguments and no fighting for power.  I will do whatever you say.”  She said and Finn laughed.

“You serious girl?”

“From now until we get back to the house.”  Finn looked over at her, his eyes flitted down to her exposed pussy and he looked back at the road.  Rae had never been submissive to him.  He’d tied her up, but the look in her eyes hadn’t been submissive. 

“Whatever I want?”  He asked with a dark undertone.

“Anything you want, I will do it.”  She said again, enjoying his disbelief.  “My body is all for your pleasure tonight.”  She added with a smirk that carried into her voice.  Finn shot her a look again and Rae could tell he wasn’t sure if he believed her.  “Tell me to do something you know I wouldn’t normally do.”  She offered to prove it. 

“Get your tits out.”  He said instantly, testing her offer.  Rae slowly unbuttoned her dress, opening it until her breasts were exposed.  Her stomach clenched tightly, anyone who looked into the car would be able to see her.  She heard Finn’s sharp intake of breath. 

“Fuck.”  He breathed softly as the power he had right now sunk in.  They drove for a few minutes, Rae feeling braver with each passing minute.  Until Finn had to stop at a zebra crossing; crowds of people were heading home from restaurants, no one looking at the car yet, but if they did, they’d see her exposed breasts.  Rae held her breath, fear of being seen rising up through her stomach and throat, but her cunt had started to tingle again.  Finn’s eyes turned to Rae, her fingers fidgeting at her side, her chin thrust out proudly; she wasn’t going to back down from what she had said she’d do. 

“Cover ‘em.”  Finn said in awe and watched her slowly button up her dress, her fingers shaking.  “Holy fuck.”  He whispered slowly his mind catching up with how exciting this was.  “Wow.”  He breathed slowly, his mind thinking about all the possibilities.

“I won’t say no to you tonight.”  Rae said softy, “No matter how much something scares me.”  Finn watched her jut her jaw out in determination, “Tonight is entirely for you.”  Finn noted her body shaking and saw her take a big breath before he was honked by the car behind him.  Finn hurriedly turned back to the road to see the zebra crossing clear of people.  He started driving again and took a deep steadying breath, trying to think clearly.

“Now seems like a very good time to talk to you about safe words.”  He told her quietly.  She turned her face to him.  “I quite like the idea of you not saying no to me…” he grinned and flashed his eyes to her, “but I much prefer the idea that you’re into whatever we’re doing.” 

“I am into this.”  Rae said honestly.

“Good.”  Finn bit his bottom lip to contain his excitement.  “But if I’m doing anything that I don’t like… you gotta tell me.”  He said firmly, “So if you don’t wanna say the word no, you can say another word.”  He thought about what Tom and Rhys had said, “Or if you wanna say the word no, but you don’t wanna stop… you can say another word instead o’ no for when you do wanna stop.”  Rae kept her eyes on his face as he spoke and slowly nodded. 

“Alright.”  She said softly, “Do want me to say no, but not mean it?”

“I dunno.”  Finn said uncomfortably.  “Let’s just focus on the safe word for now.”  He furrowed his brow.

“Pineapple.”  She said swiftly.

“Pineapple…?”  Finn chuckled. 

“You think you’re the only one that had a chat to a sadomasochist?”  Rae asked astutely. 

“You talked to Tom too?”  He asked shaking his head; of course she did.

“Archie told me about safe words.”

“Archie?”  Finn asked surprised before he started to chuckle.  “Archie.”  He said shaking his head, “Of course.  Why didn’t I think o’ him?” 

“And I talked to Rhys about where we’re going tonight.”

“Rhys?”  Finn’s mind started to race, “Where the fuck are we going?”

“You’ll see.”  She said softly, “I’m not gonna tell you – you’ll just have to see when we get there… but I will give you a clue if you want one…?”

“Aye.”  He answered immediately.

“I’m hoping we both get ideas from the place.”  She told him and Finn once again felt his bottom lip between his teeth, containing his excitement.  “I’m thinking Finn…”  Rae said slowly, “I might say no sometimes tonight.”  She grinned, “Since you raised the topic.”  Finn furrowed his brows, “But if you don’t hear me say pineapple… I’m not really saying no.” 

“I dunno Rae.”  He answered with a light frown. 

“Let’s try it.”  She said with a seductive tone, “Tell me to get me tits out again.”  Finn took a deep breath.

“Alright.”  He said unimpressed.  “Get your tits out.”  He said and was greeted by Rae giggling shyly.

“No.”  She giggled, “I’m shy.”  Finn considered this for a moment.

“Do it.”  He said softy and watched from the corner of his eye as she complied with shy giggles.  “Alright cover ‘em.”  He said, trying to figure out how he felt about this idea.

“Pineapple.”  Rae said firmly and ran her hands over her breasts slowly.  Finn turned to look at her in surprise.  “I like the fear of getting caught.”  She grinned.  “You know that.”  Finn looked back at the road with a grin.

“Alright, but don’t do it too often ok?”  He said, “I much prefer hearing you say yes.” 

“I got pineapple.”  She grinned.  “For tonight.”  She added, “This isn’t an always thing.” 

“I know.”  He agreed, “For tonight, unless you tell me pineapple, I’m doing whatever I want to you.”

“Agreed.”

“And if you’re mouth’s full…” He said slyly.

“Which, no doubt it will be on many occasions…”  She answered with equal slyness, “Three knocks.”

“Archie knows where it’s at.”  Finn laughed shaking his head.  “Though I don’t suspect I’ll be doing too much tonight to make you need to use the safe word.”  He admitted, “I’m still only Tom junior.” 

“See how you go.”  Rae answered, “You own me tonight.”  She told him, “But as soon as we get home… we’re back to normal.”  Finn nodded and looked at her bare breasts, he reached over and took one of them in his hand, squeezing it slightly. 

“Don’t make me tell you all night that you can go harder than that.”  She said suggestively.

“I’ll go as hard as I want.”  He told her and she nodded.

“Aye.”  She bit her bottom lip, “And Finn…?”

“Aye?”

“Don’t worry about me, ok?  I’ll tell you if I’m not ok.”  He looked over at her and saw her sincerity, “I know you love me, I know you care about me… but I don’t want you to be thinking about those things tonight.  I want you to be thinking about your dick, and what you can do to me that’ll make you cum.”  He nodded slowly, “Don’t ask permission for anything, you’ve already got it.”  She said firmly, “If you do get ideas from where we’re going… try ‘em.” 

“You’ll tell me.”  He nodded.

“Pineapple.”  She grinned, “I trust you to stop if I say it.” 

“Of course.”  Finn felt butterflies in his stomach.  “So I got permission for…?”

“Whatever you want.”  Finn tried to not let his imagination get too far ahead of him; they were pulling into The Bishops Avenue and Finn had to keep a look out for the house number. 

“Cover your tits.”  Finn told her as they pulled into the driveway, Rae obeyed instantly, buttoning up her dress to a moderately modest level, fear and nerves starting to kick in; they were here. 

Rae jumped out of the car as soon as it stopped and hurried around to open the door for Finn, he laughed and shook his head.  He looked around at all the parked cars and then up at the mansion.  It was eerily silent and they both felt nerves creeping into their stomachs.  There was woman in a corset and thigh high boots standing at the door.  She wore no knickers and Rae’s eyes fell down to her completely waxed vulva.  Her head cocked to the side and she wondered if Finn would prefer that.  As they walked towards the door a man came out and stood next to the woman.  He wore nothing but a pair of white underpants. 

“Ok Rae…”  Finn said slowly, “What is this?”

“You’ll see.”  She had to fight to keep the fear out of her voice. 

“Who sent you?”  The woman asked when they got to her.

“Rhys O’Daire.”  Rae said firmly and the woman grinned slightly in recognition of the name before nodding.  She opened the door for them and guided them through the abandoned mansion to the foyer outside of the huge ballroom.  Here a woman stood in an almost regal corseted dress next to a table with numerous open boxes on it.  Their guide told the woman that they were referred by Rhys O’Daire and left.  They could hear loud rhythmic bass seeping through the closed doors to the ballroom. 

“Names.”  Said the regal woman softly and Rae recognised the French accent immediately. 

“Um…”  Rae had not expected this; she was underage, and this was illegal. 

“Your names will never be written down.”  She said reassuringly, “my subs simply remember them all.”  She motioned to five kneeling men, “And they do not speak without permission.”

“Wow.”  Rae said as she looked over at them and then at Finn who was taking this in slowly.  “What’s your name?”  She asked suddenly.

“I’m a twenty-something mademoiselle.”  She answered, “You can call me mistress and that is all you need to know.” 

“Oh.”  Rae answered taken aback, “I’m Rae E-”

“O’Daire.”  The woman said over the top of her.  “You are Rae O’Daire.”

“What?”  Rae asked confused. 

“You are obviously new here.  That means that you are under Rhys’s care.  He is responsible for you and your actions, should you do something that is unacceptable.”  She eyed Rae curiously, “Once we know we can trust each other, then I’ll learn your last name, and you can then refer people yourself.  You understand?”  Rae nodded and she turned to Finn, “Your name?”

“Finn.”  He answered almost silently.  The woman turned to one of her subs, “Rae O’Daire and Finn O’Daire are preliminary members.”

“Thank you mistress.”  He answered and she turned back to the desk and started to go through a box.

“So your relationship is on equal footing?”  She took out a stamp.

“Uh…” Rae looked confused.

“Tonight, you are here as equals?”  She rephrased.

“Oh no!”  Rae laughed and shook her head and the woman put the stamp away and sorted out another one before turning to Finn.

“So you must be the sub then?”  She asked.

“No that’s me.”  Rae answered.

“Then why are you talking without permission?”  She asked Rae and turned her eyes to Finn for the answer.  “You’ve never done this before?”  She asked him.

“Never.”  He acknowledged.  She nodded slowly.

“Keep your sub in line.”  She advised him and turned to Rae, “Don’t do anything unless he tells you to.”  She stamped Rae’s hand, “It’s quite simple really.”  She turned back to her stamps and stamped Finn’s hand with a different stamp to indicate that he was the dominant.  “Now Sir,” She asked Finn with an indulgent tone, “Is it to be shared?”

“It?  What?”  He asked confused.

“Your sub.  Is it to be shared?” 

“Ah no.  It’s… She’s not.”  He answered firmly and Rae’s other hand was stamped.

“And are you sharing yourself sir?”  She asked pleasantly.

“No.”  Finn answered instantly and the same stamp was placed on his other hand.

“You are assured anonymity because no one speaks of what happens here to anyone else.”  She told them and they both nodded understanding her command; what happens beyond the doors to the ballroom stays beyond those doors.  She clicked and one of her subs immediately stood up.  “Show them around.  Speak pleasantly.  And help the sub understand her role.”  She told him and he nodded.

“Thank you mistress.”  He answered her before opening the door for them.  Rae started to walk and he held a hand up to her. 

“You are always behind your master unless he tells you otherwise.”  The sub said and Finn turned his eyes to her.

“You can walk beside me.”  He told her and took her hand.  The sub looked back at his mistress and the mistress shook her head. 

“This way.”  He said and they walked into the ballroom.  The first thing Rae noticed was that the music was overtly sexual.  The first thing Finn noticed was that this looked almost like a normal night club, except for the huge round stage in the centre of the room.  Currently there were several men and women dancing on it, completely naked. 

“Oh wow.”  Rae said when she saw the stage and then pulled a face, “Sorry.”  She remembered she wasn’t supposed to talk.

“Alright, you can talk while we’re getting shown around.”  Finn grinned, starting to warm up to the idea of being in charge. 

“Thank you sir.”  She said with a smirk and he chuckled.  This was definitely going to be a fun game. 

“Tonight the main show is Dominick.”  The sub said as he motioned towards the stage, “There’s two teaser shows; one by Pandora and the other by Tom and Gina, beforehand.”  He said wistfully, “Next week Pandora will be the main show.”  Rae and Finn shared a look; the sub was clearly infatuated with Pandora. 

“A sex show.”  Finn finally understood and Rae nodded.  He laughed.  “Alright!”  He felt his nerves settle as he looked around again.  Some people were fucking on the dance floor, others were sitting at tables and chairs against the walls, drinking and talking.  He saw one man using a woman as a footstool and his eyes widened in surprise.  Rae too was looking around with equal parts surprise and interest.  The sub started to guide them across the floor.

“The bar is over there.”  He nodded to the left and Rae and Finn saw a well-stocked bar, two women in a 69 position on top of it.

“Holy shit.”  Rae said and Finn looked back at her. 

“Getting ideas?”  He laughed and she nodded her head, thinking about sucking Finn’s cock while he simultaneously went down on her. 

“Unisex bathrooms.”  He pointed off to the other side and they saw a door.  Rae wondered what they had sorted out for a bathroom in this mansion.  He crossed the floor with them, “Backstage door, don’t go near it.”  He pointed to a door near the bar, “Prostitutes.”  He pointed to the people on the stage and a crowd over near the bar of scantily dressed people, mostly women.  “And privacy.”  He opened a door on the other side that led to a large well-lit room with various pieces of furniture and a few room dividers you could move to hide behind if you wanted.  “Once the show starts, this room will be in darkness and you won’t be able to see who’s fucking who in here.”  The sub said as he looked around.  There were several couples and a few groups already fucking in the room.  Rae’s jaw dropped and Finn scanned the room slowly.  The whole opposite wall was glass and he could see that the garden was out that way.  The sub turned back to them and smiled.

“Of course you can wander wherever you want around the place, there’s some rooms upstairs with mattresses if you’d prefer, but there’s no electricity beyond the ballroom.”  Rae tried to not watch the people fucking too much, or be distracted by the sounds they were making.  She could feel her nerves lessening as desire started to spark ferociously in her groin.  She wanted Finn to fuck her right now, in this room, with the sounds of other people fucking all around them.

“Do you have any questions?”  He asked them politely. 

“What can we expect from the shows?”  Finn asked.

“Well Gina and Tom are a straight up sex show.”  The sub answered, “Pandora is a dominatrix who enjoys bondage and discipline.”  They heard some commotion from the ballroom but the sub ignored it and continued speaking, “And Dominick really does whatever he feels like to women.  He often takes volunteers from the audience to be fucked by him.”  Finn turned his eyes to Rae and the sub shook his head, “He won’t take her, she’s got the ‘not to be shared’ stamp.”  He said reassuringly, “we introduced that system last year, too many fights and problems over people grabbing people who didn’t want to be grabbed.  This solves it because most of the people having problems with being touched are the newbies like yourselves, who tend to want to stick to yourselves the first few times, so you don’t need to understand the stamp system, just the long-timers do.  And once you’ve been here a few times and may want to start sharing, you’ll understand the stamps too.”  He explained slowly, “The not to be shared stamp is fiercely respected in our community.  She is your property, she will not be touched.”

“So if she’s not to be shared, why does she need the sub stamp?”  Finn asked confused.

“It changes the way people will treat her.  For example the bartender will call her a whore, and call you sir.” 

“Oh right.”  Finn grinned and turned to her and she shrugged when she saw him looking at her.

“Sounds good to me.”  She reassured him. 

“I have my status tattooed on me.”  The sub said and pointed to a marking underneath his navel.  Rae’s eyes opened wide and she looked up at Finn and shook her head.

“No fucking way.”  She told him and he laughed.

“I’m right there with you on that one, girl.”  He agreed, “Next time we come here, I’ll be the sub.”  He told her and put an arm around her shoulders.  The sub looked at them with distaste for a moment.

“Any other questions?”  He asked pleasantly. 

“When does the show start?”  Rae asked. 

“Soon.”  He answered, “You really do need to learn to shut your mouth unless you’re pleasuring your master though.”  He told her.  She nodded.

“You’re right.’  She said and looked up at Finn, “Time to start playing the game properly, alright?”

“Alright.”  He agreed. 

“Well I’ll leave you to it.”  The sub turned and walked back into the ballroom, Rae and Finn following.  When they got back in they noticed seating had been set up in various places around the room, some right up near the stage, and Finn made a beeline for the seats, Rae following him.  They watched a huge wooden pole being erected on the stage, and several looped hooks being screwed into the floor of the stage near the edges. 

“D’you want a drink?”  Finn asked ready to get up and Rae gave him a look.  “Oh right.”  He grinned.  “Get me a drink.”  He told her, “And you may have one.”  He added, “Something with vodka in it.”  He ordered.

“Yes sir.”  She answered cheekily and he grinned.

“Should I call you a whore like the bartender’s gonna?”  He asked her.

“Finn!”  Rae admonished.

“Alright, I’m sorry!”  He laughed.  “It’s a lot to take in.”  He looked around and took a deep breath, remembering the conversation they’d had in the car.  “Get us both a drink, whore.”  He ordered and bit his bottom lip.

“Yes sir.”  Rae answered pointedly and got up.

“And undo a couple o’ those buttons.”  He nodded at her chest and Rae looked down at the dress.

“Yes sir.”  She answered and undid two buttons.

“Another two whore and don’t speak unless I ask you a question… except for your safe word.”  Finn leaned back in his chair and watched her do as she was told silently.  He took a moment to feel his power as he saw more of her cleavage and part of her stomach be revealed by the opening buttons.  Rae looked down at the deep V shape her dress made when the buttons were undone and felt quite self-conscious about how exposed she was.  Her nipples weren’t showing but a great deal of her breasts were.  But then she remembered the dress Izzy had made her and found that she suddenly didn’t care.  She almost giggled at the idea of not caring if her breasts was seen.  She’d hate to be naked… but a lot of cleavage was no problem; she might not even mind it if he ordered her to get her tits out again in this crowded room.  She marvelled at how much she’d changed as she stood proudly, not afraid of her own breasts. 

“Get the fucking drinks.”  He told her and she nodded and walked towards the bar.  Most people were wearing black and red, so in her bright violet dress, Rae stood out stunningly, and she drew multiple stares as she crossed the floor alone.  And she loved every minute of it.  She could feel Finn’s eyes on her from across the room as she got to the bar and put her hands on the bar to get someone’s attention.  The bartender looked at her hands and then up at her face momentarily before staring brazenly at her cleavage.

“What d’you want cunt?”  He asked her with real disdain and Rae felt her face burn with so many different emotions. 

“Um…”  She said softly, “Two vodka and cokes.”  Was all she could think of saying she was so taken aback. 

“Alright bitch.”  He turned and starting making the drinks and Rae took a deep breath.  A man sidled up to her.

“Nice tits sub.”  He said to her and she showed him the stamp on her other hand that he hadn’t seen yet, watching his face fall.  “Who’s your master?”  He asked and she pointed back to Finn.  He gave Finn a nod and took another long look at her breasts.  “Tell him thanks for the splendid view.”  He turned and sidled up to another woman.  Rae’s jaw dropped, but before she had time to fully register everything that had been happening the bartender was there.

“Here slut.”  He said and Rae took the drinks, “What’s your master’s name?”

“Finn O’Daire.”  Rae answered and the bartender nodded.

“Tell him that O’Daire’s drink for free.”  Rae tried to hide her surprise.

“I will.”

“Speak with fucking respect.”  He told her sternly and Rae froze, not sure what to do.

“I will, sir?”  She replied and he nodded.

“That’s better.”  She took the drinks back to Finn with wide eyes and sat down beside him, still noticing how many people watched her.  Finn was grinning.

“Holy shit.”  He said as he watched a man sit down not far from them, he clicked and the woman accompanying him knelt at his feet.  He stroked her hair like she was a pet and Finn watched, transfixed.  Rae wanted to speak but knew she wasn’t supposed to without permission. 

“The guy back there thanks you for the splendid view sir.”  Rae blurted out and Finn shook his head.

“I can’t believe this place.”  He marvelled, “I don’t even know what to think about any o’ this.” 

“I’m not supposed to talk!”  Rae reminded him and Finn bit his bottom lip.

“That’s right.”  He pulled a face. 

“And apparently we drink for free sir.”  Rae added and handed him his drink.

“Wonder why?”  He asked and took the drink. 

“So are you gonna punish me for talking when I weren’t supposed to, sir?”  She asked and he grinned.

“Aye.”  He answered, “I might.”  He looked down at her mouth and bit his bottom lip again, “Now keep your mouth shut unless I ask you a direct question, or if my cock’s in it.”  He said and she nodded in reply, watching him turn his eyes back to the man stroking the kneeling woman’s hair.  The woman neatly folded her arms behind her back, thrusting out her chest and looked like she was practically purring from the way he stroked her.

“Learning anything?’  He asked her with a cheeky grin and she cocked an eyebrow at him. 

“Might be, sir.”  She answered enigmatically, her eyes travelling to a woman walking towards them, three men on chained leads following behind, their heads bowed, their hands behind their backs.  Rae scanned the room and saw a few couples, sitting together chatting as equals, and over on the far wall some rings were being screwed into the wall at set intervals.  A woman was already tying a man up using one of the rings in the wall, Rae’s head dropping to the side as she considered doing something like that to Finn.  She mulled over where she could affix a hook like that in Finn’s room.  It’d have to be Finn’s room; her mum still wandered into her room on a regular basis and she could just imagine her mother finding it and the questions that would follow.  The woman with the men on leads sat down near Finn and all three men were instantly on their knees without hesitation, one of them lying on his stomach before her, she put her feet on his back, her stilettos digging into his flesh.  Rae watched the man’s face as he winced in pain, obviously enjoying it.  The other two men watched jealously.  She took a cigarette out of her bag and turned to Finn.

“Have you a light?”  She asked him and he nodded slowly, taking his cigarettes and lighter out of his pocket, lighting her cigarette before lighting one for himself.  She blew out the smoke seductively and Rae was taken by how beautiful and graceful she was.  “Are you available for fun?”  She asked him and Finn held up his stamped hands silently.  “I saw the stamps.”  She said in a measured tone, “I meant outside of this place.”  Her eyes drank him in provocatively and Finn felt like he had never been looked at quite like that before.  She was a predator and she wanted to consume him. 

“No.”  He answered softly and then remembering that he was playing a role in this place he cocked his jaw arrogantly, “I don’t play like you.”  He answered commandingly.  Rae felt her cunt clench excitedly; she liked him using that voice.  The woman chuckled.

“For a man who looks like you, I could be persuaded to share power.”  Finn looked her up and down as if considering the offer.  He scrunched his nose in mild distaste.

“No I don’t think so.’  He said firmly.  She raised her eyebrows, clearly not used to rejection, and very obviously turned on by his disdain for her.  Finn turned his eyes away from her and looked back at Rae, worried about her reaction to the woman, but he was surprised to see that she was looking at him lustily.  Rae’s eyes turned to the woman and Finn followed her gaze, she had clicked her fingers and one of the men opened his mouth, she flicked her ash into his mouth and looked up at the stage, frustrated and sulky.  Rae watched Finn look down at his own cigarette with furrowed brows.

“Pineapple.”  She said instantly and he grinned.

“I were actually thinking that were fucking disgusting.”  He whispered to her.  “I wouldn’t do that to you.”  He shook his head.  “Although, I am seeing some things I might do.”  His eyes wondered over to the walls and Rae grinned; a hook was going up on the wall somewhere in Finn’s room when they got back to Stamford.  She watched his eyes fall to the hook on the floor of the stage and realised there was going to be more than just the wall hook in Finn’s room by the time he was finished. 

A mattress was dragged out onto the stage, weaving through the audience, a few dancers stopping to help get it up there.  Finn wrapped his arm around her shoulders and Rae grinned at how much he wasn’t playing the role of dominant in comparison to other people in the room, but they were both still beginning in this world and she didn’t mind if the exploration was slow and steady. 

The music changed and a blurry, soft spotlight hit the stage.  The backstage door opened and a stunning woman with long raven hair wearing a red silky nightgown walked out of the backstage door and the crowd parted for her as she almost glided through them.  She went up the stairs on the other side of the stage, Rae’s eyes unable to leave her.  She was tall and slender, her skin ivory, her hair silky black.  She got to the stage, and Rae expected her to start a strip tease and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that.  She was so stunningly beautiful, she felt a jealous twang in her stomach at the idea of Finn watching her strip.  But she simply undid the robe and let it fall to the floor.  Rae again noticed a hairless snatch and decided to ask Finn if he’d prefer that.  Rae noticed the way she moved as she slowly lowered herself to the mattress, he knees together the whole time.  There was slow, controlled quality to her as she positioned herself on her back, slowly unfurling her legs until they were straight in the air, her ankles remained touching the entire time.  The seats had been placed at what was the ‘front’ of the stage, but Rae and Finn were sitting to one side, so they could see her face as well as her cunt peeking out from between her legs as they pressed together.  She looked orgasmic already and Rae realised that she needed to work on cultivating that look.  And then suddenly she parted her legs, it was the fastest move she done and it surprised Rae, but she watched, strangely enraptured as Gina slid her hands over her pussy.  All around them the seats were slowly filling up as the first teaser act, Gina, worked herself slowly to orgasm.  Rae could only think of just how different it was watching it in life rather than on a video.  She looked over at Finn to see his eyes on her face.  She grinned at him as she realised that Finn had already seen a show like this; she’d masturbated for him before.  She watched Finn’s eyes drop to first her lips and then her breasts and smirked at how his eyes devoured her.  Rae felt quite aroused as she heard the sounds of Gina moaning over the throbbing bass, Finn’s eyes roving over her body, her eyes stayed on his face.  She reached out and rubbed the bulge in Finn’s pants.

“Don’t touch me without permission.”  He said firmly as he swatted her hand away.  She opened her mouth in surprise.

“Are my pants around my ankles whore?”  He asked her pointedly and she shook her head in pleasant surprise; Finn as starting to play the game properly, “Then why is your fucking mouth open?”

“I’m sorry sir.”  Rae replied with a wicked grin, her cunt starting to ache excitedly.

“Fold your hands in your lap, like a lady.  Keep your back straight.”  He told her and Rae primly put her hand in her lap, and straightened her spine, “Cross your ankles, and keep your thighs pressed together.”  He told her.  The minute Rae pressed her thighs together she felt delicious pressure on her cunt and her whole body started to tingle with anticipation.  Finn put a hand on her face and turned her head towards the stage.  “Keep your eyes on the action.”  Rae took a deep breath, trying to calm her nervous anticipation.  “Keep taking deep, slow breaths.”  Finn told her, his eyes on her breasts as they rose and fell with her deep breathing.  They’d missed the man, Tom presumably, leaving the backstage door and walk through the audience, he was stepping up on the stage when Rae turned back, Gina’s body still shaking with orgasm.  He knelt on the mattress and she sat up to kiss him.  He stood up and she started to suck his cock, it was a gentle blow job; there was no power struggle, no pain, no kink really, other than it was a live sex show.  Given the clientele present tonight, Rae had a feeling that the next two performances would be very different.  She tried to see Finn from the corner of her eye, but he was leaning back lazily in his seat.  Tom and Gina started to fuck on the stage, it was passionate and he clearly knew how to make her cum, his fingers rubbing her clitoris while he pumped into her.  Finn watched as after a few minutes of fucking, Tom, a tall man with hair so blond it was almost white, withdrew and went down on Gina.  Finn cocked his head to the side and watched his technique.  He smirked, thinking that this was quite tame after what he’d been expecting given the people that were here.  He’d seen some of the audience fucking rougher than the performers. 

Twenty minutes later Tom was coming in Gina’s mouth after a nice gentle show filled with a lot of oral sex and a lot of vaginal sex.  Gina swallowed and Finn was delighted by the satisfied sound Rae gave at that.  There was cheering and clapping from the audience, Finn clapped lazily, but Rae didn’t move her hands from her lap; remembering to not move without permission.  Her thighs were getting tired from her pressing them together, but it only made her more aroused.  The mattress was removed and the music changed while a table and a large ornate chair were brought out from the backstage area.

“Another drink whore.”  Finn ordered and Rae nodded and immediately went to the bar.  Finn watched her go, and allowed the satisfaction at being obeyed win over his concern that it was wrong to treat the woman he loved like this.  He made his mind think to all the things he’d been learning these past few months.  Rhys’s calm voice came through the strongest;

_Don’t let ideas of what’s natural fuck you up Finn.  Worry about consent, and what you both want to do, and feels good to both of you.  Not some half-arsed notion of what sex is supposed to be._

He was watching Rae at the bar when a near-naked woman sat in his lap.

“You wanna be my daddy tonight?”  She asked him wrapping her arms around his neck.

“No.”  He answered firmly and she sulked.

“But I’m a sub without a dom.”  She said pouting. 

“Get off me.”  He ordered and she instantly fell to her knees before him.

“Yes daddy!”  She grinned up at him happily. 

“I am not your… daddy.” He said with a disgusted look, “Go find someone else to be your dom.”  He held up his stamped hands and her eyes fell to his left hand, her face dropping.

“Oh.”  She said.  “But you’re the best looking guy in here.”

“I don’t care.  Go away.”  He told her and she did, slowly scanning the room for someone else.  Finn took a deep breath and shook his head, “daddy?”  He asked himself, “bloody hell.”  Rae sat beside him without saying a word and offered him the drink.  He turned to her and saw look in her eyes; she’d seen some of that exchange.  He started to say sorry but stopped himself.  Instead he took the drink and sipped it, not offering an explanation.  He’d done nothing wrong, and in the role he was playing tonight, he didn’t answer to Rae.  He stored it in his brain as something to talk about later.  He took another sip and then gave the drink to Rae.

“Drink that.”  He told her, noticing that she had immediately returned to the sitting position he’d put her in before.  Rae drank it in one long gulp, feeling the alcohol buzzing inside of her.  A person came past them and took their empty glasses and offered them condoms and pamphlets for Gina and Tom; available for hire.  Rae saw as he held out the pamphlets that the performances were spoken of in general terms, no mention of it being a sex show was made, probably in case police saw the pamphlet.  Finn waved him on dismissively and turned to look at Rae.  The violet dress she wore had buttons down the entire front of the dress, and a black belt at the waist.  His eyes took in the buttons; there were ten buttons from the top of the dress to the waist.  She had started with two undone, and he’d already made her undo a further four.

“Undo another four buttons.”  He said in a soft commanding voice.  He surprised himself with how confident and dominant he sounded in that calm almost gentle voice.  He sounded like someone not to be disobeyed, even to his own ears.  Rae nodded slowly and put her slightly shaking fingers to her buttons.  This made her nervous, but she was willing to do it.  He watched her slowly unbutton the top half of her dress down to the belt and reached under her top to run his hand along her stomach, Rae tried to focus on keeping her mouth shut; it wanted to open, in desire and terror, her breasts were so close to popping out of her top as he moved his hand along her skin.  He took his hand out and turned to her, his other hand slipping under the violet material to her breasts, squeezing first one and then the other; hard.  She hissed in unexpected pain and turned her eyes to him, a grin creeping onto her face as she nodded slowly; he really was starting to play this game. 

The backstage door slammed open.  Four incredibly attractive, muscled men with heavy looking iron collars, wearing absolutely nothing, carried the corner of an ornate sedan chair each.  In the chair reclined a large woman with deep red hair in a severe ponytail that fell down her back to just above her arse.  She wore makeup similar to Rae’s, but that’s where the similarities in attire stopped.  She wore a black leather corset, pulled brutally tight; her ample breasts spilling over the top.  She wore a tiny mini skirt that barely covered her arse and thigh high leather boots.  She tapped a riding crop on the side of the sedan, clearly unimpressed with everything.  Rae noticed a small microphone extending from her ear to her mouth; they were going to hear her.  Behind the sedan a woman with blond hair wearing a well-tailored suit followed, smoking a cigar, looking at everyone in the audience like she would do things to them they couldn’t even imagine.  The men placed the sedan on the stage carefully and the large redheaded woman got out, motioning to the blond woman to come onto the stage as she sat on the chair. 

“My name is Pandora.”  Redhead said in a tone of utter disdain.  Rae suddenly felt complete admiration for her.  She was spectacular.  “This is Eve, my protégé.”  Eve stood on the stage cockily, her hands in her pockets, her head high.  “Strip.”  She ordered and Eve slowly took her suite off to reveal black leather lingerie and stockings, her stiletto heels looked sharp enough to cut a man.  A fifth and sixth man came from the backstage door, carrying a large wooden chest between them and placed it on the stage next to the chair.  Pandora sat in the chair and clicked towards one of the men.  He jumped up onto the stage and knelt before her on all fours so that she could put her feet up on him.  Pandora leaned back in the chair.

“I am going to remind you all that this is a consensual show, and my slaves have safe words that are always respected.”  The tone she used was so commanding that Finn felt himself wanting to emulate her.  She nodded to Eve who immediately turned to one of the slaves and pulled him by the ring in the collar around his neck up onto the stage.  He was tied to the pole, chains produced from the chest on the stage to do the deed.  Eve tied the next man face up on the table.  The next one was attached to one of the hooks on the floor of the stage, his forehead resting on the ground.  The fifth one was hooked to another floor hook on his back.  The last male was made to kneel on all fours so that Eve could sit on his back when she wished.  The slow methodical way in which each man was tied down was incredibly seductive and both Rae and Finn watched with growing arousal.  He noticed the woman that was getting her hair stroked before was gently licking her master’s cock, and beside him one of the slave men was being allowed the stroked his mistress’s thighs while she smoked another cigarette, still using one of her subs mouths as an ashtray.  All around them people were starting to respond to the performance, but others were holding off until the main performance.  Finn bit his lip indecisively.  He knew no one was looking at him, but the idea of getting Rae to suck him right here was terrifying… and oh so appealing.  Pandora checked the knots that Eve had done and corrected one of them, slapping Eve hard across the face, Rae held her breath in surprise but watched Eve give Pandora a lusty grin as she begged forgiveness for the mistake.  Rae saw Finn lean forward in his chair from the corner of her eyes.  She could see his mouth was open in surprise.  Pandora grabbed Eve’s hair, yanking her head back and spat in her face.  Eve seemed to love it and Rae felt her mouth opening in surprise.  The woman kissed passionately, Eve not daring to touch Pandora and Pandora controlling Eve’s movements by pulling her hair.  Pandora went to the man on the table while Eve went to the chest to bring over a thick leather cock ring.  Pandora took the thick cock ring and looked down at the man.

“Get him hard.”  She told Eve and Eve immediately started to suck his cock.  Pandora grabbed her hair and pushed her head harder onto the cock as it grew.  Finn groaned in appreciation and how violent Pandora was with Eve; she showed no mercy at all, impaling Eve’s face on the cock.  Pandora pulled Eve off the cock, sloppy tendrils of saliva dripped from her chin as she was pushed back from the table, grinning, pleased with herself.  Pandora looked down on the man again with a sadistic grin and Finn’s eyebrows furrowed as Pandora pulled down hard on the man’s scrotum and he cried out in pain. 

“Holy shit.”  Finn said aghast.  Pandora put the cock ring on her slave, his balls pulled away from his body brutally by the thick band.  Rae’s eyes were wide with shock; she’d never even imagined doing something painful to a man’s balls could be considered sexual.  Pandora motioned to Eve and she grinned and jumped up on the table, she stood on the man, her stilettos digging in mercilessly and he cried out in pain again as Eve started to dance to the music, slowly stripping her underwear off.  Rae’s mouth open in surprise and Finn saw it from the corner of his eye.  He was surprised that his first thought was to give her face a little slap, just a gentle one, as a reminder to follow his orders.  He shook his head to clear that thought away and turned his face to her.

“Close your fucking mouth bitch.”  He ordered forcefully and she snapped her jaw shut and nodded.  Finn grinned, the dark sadistic parts of himself were pushing upwards inside of him, he wanted to explore this world, any lingering doubts left him when Pandora turned to the standing man chained to the pole and brought her riding crop crashing down across his buttocks.  He closed his eyes and grunted in pain.  Finn didn’t know where his pain threshold lay, nor Rae’s, but he knew he wanted to find it.  And push it. 

“Suck my dick.”  He said as he watched Pandora whipping her sub.  Rae immediately slipped off her chair to her knees and unzipped Finn’s jeans.  She had not expected him to do something like this so publically, but in reality, this was as private as fucking in their car.  People might see them, but no one would be paying close attention to them; there was so much happening in the room.  His hard cock sprung out of his jeans and she immediately took it into her mouth.  On the stage Eve had finished dancing on her slave and was now pouring wax on his chest.  Finn felt her mouth close over his cock and felt ready to cum almost immediately.  It was how public it was, how dirty this was, how much control he had over Rae, and these powerful women, hurting their submissive men.  He watched Eve pour the wax onto his chest, so close to him that the flame touched him momentarily, making him cry out in pain.  She slapped his face hard and poured more wax on him.  He felt Rae taking his full length in to her throat and closed his eyes momentarily.

“Please!”  The heard the man Pandora was whipping cry out, “Please stop!”  But she continued; he hadn’t said the safe word.  Finn felt his senses being overloaded as the man started to cry and Pandora stopped and turned to look at Eve, who had jumped back up on the table and was sitting on the man’s face.  Finn felt himself getting close and he pulled Rae’s face back hard, using her ponytail.  He looked down and grabbed his cock, jerking it a few times until he came, the first strand landing in her mouth, the next one streaking across the right side of her face, he aimed better and got the rest in her mouth.  He looked down at her and grinned.

“Close your mouth, but don’t swallow.’  He said and Rae complied, her eyes large with surprise.  “Keep my cum in your mouth, till I tell you to swallow it.”  She nodded, “That’ll keep your mouth shut.”  She smiled dirtily, keeping her mouth shut tightly and nodded again.  “And the rest of my cum,” he looked at the cum dripping down her face, “You can wear that.”  He patted the seat beside him and Rae got back onto the seat, immediately folding her hand on her lap and crossing her ankles, her cunt was aching for his cock and she could feel how wet she was as she squeezed her thighs together.  She swished his cum around her mouth and felt her cunt throb almost painfully with desire as she let it rest in her mouth, not swallowing, the flavour and smell filling her senses.  She could feel the cum on her forehead dripping towards her eye, but she would not stop it, she would not wipe it away.  She found a strange sense of calm wash over her as she awaited his next command.  She remembered that she was meant to be watching the show and raised her eyes to the stage.  Pandora was stroking the crying man’s hair almost kindly, lovingly.  She untied him and gently pulled him by the collar ring to her seat where she sat down and spread her legs.

“Eat me.”  She ordered and he looked up at her with delighted surprise and dove straight in.  Pandora wound her fingers through his hair and watched Eve coming as she rode the man on the table’s face.  After she had cum Eve got down from the table and walked towards the man with his forehead on the stage.  From their angle Rae and Finn saw his buttocks, his testicles hanging down between his thighs, his hands clasped behind his back.  Eve kicked him in the balls and Finn gasped.  Rae had to fight to keep her mouth closed and to not look at Finn as she felt him flinch in the chair beside him as the man on stage cried out in pain.  Next she stepped over the slave lying on his back on the stage, tied to one of the round hooks on the floor and started to piss on his face.  Rae’s eyes opened wide in surprise and she again had to fight to not open her mouth or look away in disgust as the slave opened his mouth.  Finn made a noise of disgust beside her and she tried to not start laughing, but the sounds of Pandora coming drove all thoughts of laughter from her mind; that was a woman who knew how to scream.

“That was a teaser for next week’s show.”  Pandora said softly, the sex and control dripped from her voice.  She clicked at Eve and Eve dove off the stage into the dancing crowd “A gift for my fans.”  Rae watched as several men instantly started to pull her into position to fuck, condoms quickly in place before the gangbang commenced.  The audience cheering Pandora wildly. 

“Fucking hell.”  Finn breathed in disbelief as Eve’s moans of pleasure rose over the music.  On the stage Pandora was slowly releasing her slaves, giving them caring touches to let them know that their mistress loved her pets.  They cleaned up, washing the floor on their hands and knees while Pandora allowed the man that had been whipped to tears to lick her arsehole.  Rae was amazed at how grateful he seemed for the chance to perform anilingus on her.  The taste of Finn’s cum in her mouth made everything, even the gross and shocking things, seem so much more erotic and desirable, and her cunt was still aching for attention.  Before they knew it Pandora was in her sedan chair, being carried out and Eve with at least a dozen men had gone to the private room.  Again the music changed and the pole was removed from the centre of the stage as another person came around with condoms, pamphlets for Pandora and verbal reminders that next week Pandora would be doing a 90 minute show. 

“Another drink for both of us, whore.”  Finn said and Rae turned her eyes to him.  “I know you got me cum in your mouth.”  He told her questioning face, “That’s not my problem to figure out.”  Rae narrowed her eyes slightly, “Swallow it before I tell you to and I’ll slap your face.”  He said and Rae saw the trepidation he felt saying that and knew he probably wouldn’t go through with it.  Nonetheless, she nodded as if she believed him and got up to go to the bar.  When she got there she held up two fingers to the barman he looked down at her cleavage and then at the cum on the side of her face.

“What’s that bitch?”  He asked with a smirk.  Rae pointed at her mouth and he gave her a confused look so she had no choice but to open her mouth for him to see the cum in there.  He nodded as if he understood or cared about her predicament.  “I’m still gonna need you to speak.”  Finn watched from across the room and could tell what was happening; it gave him so many ideas of things to do to her.  He just wondered if he’d ever be brave enough to do them all.  His cock started to throb again; he’d seen things he was never going to do here, but he’d also had his eyes opened to some things that he was definitely going to explore. 

“Two vodka and cokes.”  Rae managed to say, looking up at the ceiling.

“Manners.”  The barman said.

“Please, sir.”  Rae put a hand to the corner of her mouth to keep the cum in her mouth and Finn startled to chuckle, surprised at himself and how much he was enjoying this.  He only wished he could hear what the barman was saying to her. 

“No, I’m gonna need the whole sentence.”  The barman said.

“Please.”  Rae said, trying to not get angry, “May I have 2 vodkas and coke.”  She tried to grit her teeth to keep the cum in, “Sir.” 

“Sure thing cunt.”  He said indulgently and Rae shook her head at him the minute his back was turned.  She took the drinks without looking at him when he gave them to her, laughing loudly, her face burning with shame.  But she felt so sexy and so horny; she didn’t understand it at all.  She crossed the dance floor, noticing how many people saw the cum on her face and slowly raising her head proudly so that more people could see it.  Finn watched her closely, his desire for her building again.  Rae sat down beside him and handed him his drink. 

“Spit my cum out into your drink.”  Finn said calmly and Rae felt disappointed that she didn’t get to swallow it.  She hesitated and Finn wrapped his hand around her ponytail, now messy after his blowjob, “Do I have to make you do it?”  He asked almost kindly and Rae instantly spat the cum out into her drink.  “Give it a good stir.”  He told her and she took her straw and stirred it around the glass.  “Enjoy your drink whore.”  He took a slow sip of his drink and Rae felt her cunt constrict painfully, desperate for his cock.  Rae looked down at the drink and moaned slightly.  This was one of the hottest things she’d ever done.  She put her lips to the straw and sucked the liquid up through the straw; vodka, coke, and Finn’s cum.  Finn watched her with desire on his face. 

“Finish it.”  He said, his mouth moving slowly, “Bitch.”  Rae watched the way his lips moved over that word and sucked the drunk through the straw as hard as she could until the glass was empty and she was sucking at dregs.  “Good girl.”  Those words from his mouth did something to Rae and she felt her desire and arousal creep into the stratosphere.  She felt that if he were to just touch her cunt she’d come immediately.  She started to squirm with desire as she watched him slowly drink, his eyes on her cleavage. 

“Horny?”  He asked her with a lopsided grin.

“Yes sir.”  She said and bit her bottom lip. 

“You are such a dirty, dirty bitch.”  He said to her and she nodded lustily.  “You won’t cum until we get back inside the house.”  He watched her face become horror struck, “Understood?”

“Yes sir.”  She said reluctantly, a sulky tone.

“You better get rid o’ that tone or you won’t cum at all.”  She narrowed her eyes at him and he grinned cockily in return.  She remembered that she wasn’t going to fight him tonight, no power struggles; she’d promised. 

“I’m sorry sir.”  She answered meekly and watched the surprised grin break out onto his face.  He’d have to push this as far as she’d let him. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Hard-on for Love’ by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn25TYYGXfw_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn25TYYGXfw)

__

The music quite suddenly changed to a grinding, violent rhythm.  Finn passed her his drink. 

“Finish that.”  He told her; he had no intention of drinking too much.  Rae took the drink obediently and he nodded towards the backdoor which had opened.  Finn looked back at the stage; the chair and table were still up there.  A naked woman walked through the audience, and they parted for her she walked up to the stage and sat on the edge of it.  Three men in sharp suits walked out and headed up to the stage.  They stood on the stage, and like the woman they looked at the backstage door still.  A man in black jeans and a tight fitted black shirt walked from the backstage area.  Rae’s jaw dropped and Finn’s eyebrows raised; he looked remarkably like Finn but with slightly darker hair and blue eyes.  Rae closed her mouth quickly but continued to watch him as he walked, barefoot amongst the crowd, looking at everyone.  Rae remembered that he liked to pick a woman from the audience, although she suspected it would be a plant; a woman who was a performer like him that would pretend to be an audience member.  He walked around the stage and his eye fell upon Finn. 

“Astonishing.”  His voice was cultured, refined, and oddly menacing.  He was miked like Pandora had been, so they knew that this was Dominick.  “I have a twin named Raphael…”  He said to Finn, “My mother would be astonished to know she actually gave birth to triplets.”  He ran a finger down Finn’s face and shook his head.  His eyes turned to Rae and took her in slowly before returning to Finn.  “We three should get to know each other.”  His voice made it very clear what he meant, “Sometime in the future when you’re not so new to this.”  Finn opened his mouth to reply but Dominick had turned and continued on, Finn started to laugh and shook his head, turning his eyes to Rae, expecting to see the same look of disbelief on her face as there was on his.  But she was looking thoughtfully at Dominick; the resemblance was remarkable, but not total.  Finn was garnering quite a few stares now, and many women were looking at him openly sexually.  Oddly, Rae didn’t mind.  In this setting, it was to be expected that people were that open about it.  Dominick finished looking at everyone in the audience and jumped up on the stage, ignoring the stairs.  He sat in the chair and leaned back, putting one leg over the wooden armrest.  He pointed at a woman from the audience and knocked twice.  One of the men jumped from the stage and headed through the audience to her.  Rae pursed her lips; definitely a plant, how could they know it was her when she was so deep in the audience, but the man went right to her.  Rae saw her face; she was clearly ecstatic.  The man grabbed her by the hair and pulled her forward roughly, forcing her down on her knees.  Rae cocked an eyebrow and smirked; this was the kind of thing she liked from rough sex.  He pulled her by the hair, making her crawl up to the stage, up the stairs until she got to Dominick who put a hand over the microphone and said a few words to her privately, she replied in a way that was too familiar.  She was a plant; Rae knew it.  But the idea that she was a complete stranger was sexy, and she understood the appeal of the fantasy.  Rae bit her bottom lip as Dominick pointed at the floor and the woman put her forehead to it instantly.  He put a foot up on her back and lit a cigarette. 

“All the people on this stage are consenting adults.”  Dominick reminded them, “safe words are in place and will be respected.”  Rae realised that Tom and Gina had made no such announcement, possibly because what they were doing was not rough.  Dominick knocked the armrest twice and the three men grabbed the naked woman, pulling her roughly onto the stage.  Rae could see as she flailed about that she had a butt-plug in and knew what was going to happen to her, but she found that she didn’t mind; she was too turned on to mind.  They pushed her to her knees and one man grabbed her by the hair and started to rub her face into his groin.  He was still fully clothed in his expensive suit and her lipstick smeared all over his pants and her face.  Rae felt her excitement rising and was surprised at how sensitive her cunt felt now.  The pressure of the seat beneath her, her thighs pressed together.  She was going to cum the minute he put his cock in her, but she had to not cum until she got back into the house.  Rae dropped her eyes to the bulge in Finn’s pants and made a lusty, desirous sound that she’d never made before; a whimper of craving.  Finn turned his eyes to her.

“Control yourself.”  He told her, having to hide his grin.  He was enjoying what this was doing to Rae.  Rae watched, hungrily as one man unzipped his fly and instantly shoved his cock down the woman’s throat.  She barely even saw the cock before it was down the throat.  Rae started to squirm again as she noticed the power dynamic; three fully clothed men, one entirely naked woman on her knees between them, getting passed from one cock to the next, her throat being fucked more brutally than Finn had ever done to her.  Beside her Finn watched with intense desire as well; he was going to work up to being this rough.  His mind was working over it when suddenly one of the man slapped the woman’s face hard.  Finn felt a strange clenching in his stomach and gritted his teeth.  Rae watched the woman lap it up, seeming to love the slap, but she barely had time to enjoy it before she was shoved onto another cock.  This one spat on her, they all showed a complete lack of respect or regard for the woman and Rae found this to be strangely erotic and a complete turn on.  The third man pushed his full length into her mouth hard, eliciting a loud gag from her, but he kept pushing past the gag point, smacking the back of her head when she struggled to get it all in. 

“Shit.”  Finn hissed at the levels of aggression.  After several more minutes of this all three men came in her mouth and she swished the massive triple load around in her mouth, gargling the mess happily before swallowing.  She sat back on the edge of the stage and the men left the stage and went backstage.  The woman curled up in a ball and pretended to sleep as Dominick nudged his woman with his foot, pushing her onto her side, she kept her forehead on the floor as best she could and Dominick laughed as he stood up.  Reefing the woman up by the hair, he stood her up and showed her to the audience.

“What is your name?”  He asked in that cultured voice of his.  She spoke but her voice could not be heard.

“Anabel.”  He repeated.  Rae felt a strange dissonance seeing someone that looked so much like Finn on the stage and feeling Finn’s presence beside her.  “Get on your knees Anabel.”  He said, the command obvious in his voice; he didn’t need to force her to her knees, or yell… his voice was calm and powerful.  There was a sense less of ‘you don’t want to disobey me’ and more of ‘you want to obey me’ in his voice.  It was almost intoxicating.  Anabel knelt and he gently stroked her face.  She looked up at him adoringly, still dressed, and he opened her mouth sliding his fingers into her mouth. 

“Anabel, I’m going to fuck your mouth.  You don’t breathe unless I let you breathe.  You don’t close your mouth unless I tell you to.  Do you understand?”  Rae was infatuated with his voice, so calm so cultured.  Finn was impressed by his authority and watched the way Anabel nodded her head as soon as he took his fingers from her mouth.  He stroked her hair, “I’m going to be quite… violent.”  He told her and she nodded her head, he put his fingers back in her mouth, “Are you ready my pet?”  He asked her gently and she opened her mouth wider, indicating that she was ready.  He unzipped his fly, and like the men before him, he kept his clothes on as he fucked her face; hard, fast, his hands grasping her hair and throat.  Finn’s eyes narrowed in desire.  Dominick didn’t let Anabel up to breathe very often and she was gasping for air every time he gave her the chance, but she was slammed back into his cock before she had finished taking her breath every time.  After several minutes of this, the whole audience transfixed on the action as they were hypnotized, he spoke again. 

“Anabel darling,” He said to her gasping form, “Lie on your stomach on the floor.”  She did immediately and he masturbated until he came, she opened her mouth, but most of it landed on the stage.  He crouched and looked into her eyes, “Now you’re going to lick it up.”  He said softly.  She nodded and began licking his semen from the stage, Finn couldn’t take his eyes off the action; he wondered if Rae would ever do something like that.  He sat back down in the chair and watched her lick up his cum.  He knocked the armrest twice and she looked up at him, he pointed back to the floor and she returned to being his footstool. 

“Whore.”  He said softly and the naked woman who had already been face-fucked by Dominick’s three friends, stood up and turned to him.  He pointed to the centre of the stage and she stood there, her eyes down, her arms folded behind her back.  The three men returned from the backstage area, this time when they got to the stage they undressed before turning to the woman and forcing her down onto her knees, hands and slaps pushing her into place, even though she was obviously willing to do anything they said, they spoke no words to her.  A man knelt behind her and pulled out the butt plug, threw it into the audience and immediately began to slide his cock into her arse, smacking her arse hard as he fucked her.  Simultaneously one of the other men began to fuck her throat again.  The third man squeezed and slapped her breasts.  Rae watched in awe at how much this woman could take; she was being jackhammered from both ends and Rae was getting wetter as she watched it.  After a few minutes the third man laid down on the floor and the woman was picked up and shoved down onto him, he penetrated her anally and then vaginally, swapping between the two as the other men watched.  Eventually he slid into her vagina and the other men came back to the action, one beginning to fucked her throat, the other sliding back into her arse, Finn’s eyes widened as much as Rae’s did as the woman took a truly brutal hammering in all three holes simultaneously.  Rae made a small noise in the back of her throat and squirmed sightly, changing the pressure on her cunt deliciously.  And that was enough for Finn.  He stood and grabbed her hand, pulling her from the room to the private room; the door had been wedged open and they walked straight in, finding a table right near the opening, he walked around it and grabbed Rae’s hair, bending her over it so that her face hit the table.  She grunted in excitement and reached to pull her dress up for him.  Finn put one hand on her lower back and the other in her hair and pulled her hair up while pushing her back down, forcing her to arch her back.  She gripped the edges of the table and looked out the door at the stage.

“You keep your eyes on the stage, understand?”  Finn said calmly, but with a deep raw edge to his voice that sounded dangerous. 

“Yes sir.”  Rae answered without turning around.  He pulled her dress off her shoulders and she felt her breasts rub against the rough table before his hands were on them, squeezing them until she cried out, his mouth on the back of her neck sending shivers of pleasure down her spine.  It felt like she was going to cum before he’d even touched her pussy.  She started to groan in pleasure as he squeezed her nipples.

“Don’t you dare cum.”  The tone of his voice was icy and Rae bit her bottom lip and nodded that she understood.  He lifted up her skirt further, exposing her arse and brought his hand crashing down on her arse harder than she had ever experienced.  She grunted in pain and had to fight to keep her head up, watching the sex show.  She heard someone in the room comment on the smack and felt her stomach knot, but Finn’s hand was crashing down on her other arse cheek before she had a moment to really register that people knew she was being spanked right now.  Her cunt was aching and she felt his fingers sliding over her crack and willed him to slide them into her pussy, instead he slid them up and down, from her clit to her arsehole, over and over, making her ache for his cock in her cunt more and more.  Finn looked down at her bent over, and knew he could do whatever he wanted to her.  His finger rested on her anus and circled it slowly, she looked over her shoulder at him and he looked up at her.

“Unless you’ve got something to say.”  He told her, giving her a chance to say the safe word, as he pressed his finger against her hole, “You get your fucking eyes back on the stage.”  Rae’s eyes lingered on his as he pressed more firmly against her anus and she slowly turned her face back to the stage.  Finn licked his finger to lubricate it and waited for a moment to give Rae a change to change her mind.  Her stomach clenched and unclenched as she watched the three men fucking the woman on the stage.  She had known this would be a possibility when she had brought him here, giving him the consent to do whatever he wanted; she enjoyed the fear, she wasn’t going to say no and it surprised her.  She felt his finger sliding into her anus and her mouth opened in surprise, she tried not to clench around it and noticed that her cunt was aching even more; almost painfully.  She felt herself laughing as her cunt starting to throb with desire as he slid his finger in and out of her.  It was fine, it felt ok.  She didn’t know how she’d go with a cock, but for now, she was coping with it fine.  It actually felt good and it made her pussy feel hollow and ache to be filled in a way she’d never experienced before.  She felt her body moving in rhythm with his fingering, felt herself groan.  Finn watched his finger going in and out of her arse and grinned triumphantly.  It was going to happen.  He knew it now.  But not tonight.  He wanted proper lubricant for her, and for them to be on equal footing when it happened.  But the very real possibility that she graduate from fingering to his cock made him feel elated.  Wait until he told Chop.  With his other hand he took his cock out of his pants and rubbed it against her cunt.  She groaned loudly.

“Don’t.  Cum.”  He ordered.  He bent down and licked the area between her arse and vagina and her groan took on a high pitched quality he’d never heard before.  And then he licked her cunt, working his tongue down to her clitoris.  Rae groaned louder than she ever remembered groaning before.  On the stage, the woman was again getting three loads of cum and Rae’s inside were bursting for cock as she watched the woman swallow the cum and felt his finger working its way deeper into her arse, his tongue lapping at her clit.  She had to consciously stop herself from coming; it was the hardest thing she’d ever done.  And then he was sliding his cock into her cunt as Dominick was undressing on the stage, ready to start up on Anabel again.  Her whole body was instantly on that precipice before orgasm and Finn felt her tenseness, heard the urgency in her groans and froze everything except the fingering of her arse.  Rae stayed, perched on that precipice for many minutes, groaning loudly, enjoying the feeling of his cock inside of her, but still, coupled with the feel of his finger sliding in and out of her anus; she was actually loving the anal play. 

“Don’t cum.”  He told her again and she pulled herself with great effort away from the edge.  When Finn sensed that she was settled enough he started to fuck her, his finger staying in her arse, he looked down at himself, penetrating two of her holes and felt almost ready to cum himself; the excitement, and her reactions were almost too much for him.  On the stage Dominick had ordered Anabel to lie on the table on her back.  She had her legs spread wide and he was fucking her, one hand firmly around her throat the other grasping her breast, his fingers digging in mercilessly.  From her angle, Rae couldn’t tell if he was fucking her vaginally or anally, and she found she didn’t care right now.  Finn started to spank her again as he fucked and fingered her and it took everything in her not to cum; the orgasm kept building.  She was going to scream the house down when he finally let her release this.  He reached forward and put his fingers in her mouth and she sucked them instantly.  He groaned, now he was penetrating all three of her holes.  He could feel her cunt throbbing around his cock, he knew how close she was, how desperate she was to cum.  But there was no way he was letting her cum yet.  He pulled out of her cunt and fingered her for a while longer, her groans continued and she still moved in sync with his fingers.

“Answer with one word.”  He told her.  “Do you want me to fuck your arse, right now?”  Rae didn’t give herself chance to think.

“Yes.”  She answered instantly, because right now she wanted him to do anything to her; she just so desperately wanted to cum.  He withdrew his finger from her arse and pulled her upright by the hair, hearing her gasp in disappointment.  He pushed her to her knees and she made a happy noise and opened her mouth instantly.  He grabbed her hair and pushed her face further down to his balls and enjoyed the feel of her wet tongue lapping at him as he masturbated himself to orgasm, pulling her head up at the appropriate time, enjoying that she opened her mouth instantly for his cum.  This time the entire load went in her mouth. 

“Don’t swallow.”  He told her and she nodded.  Her cunt felt swollen and desperate for release, but she managed to find a calmness in her frantic need to cum.  He pulled her to her feet by her hair and looked her up and down, the skirt of her dress was caught up around her waist and her breast were bare, her makeup smeared, her hair a mess, dried cum down the side of her face.  He’d made a mess of her. 

“Watch the stage.”  He told her as he gently pulled her skirt down.  Rae was glad that the room was quite dark, no one wold be able to see exactly what was going on in there.  But they would have heard her brutal spanking and her groans, Finn forbidding her to cum.  She felt another thrill go through her body and didn’t think she could take any more.  Finn slowly pulled her dress back over her shoulders, covering her breasts, but leaving the buttons undone.  He did nothing to fix her hair or make up; he couldn’t see it properly in this room, and besides, he was turned on by the fact that she looked like a mess.  His cock as still hard and throbbing as he pushed it back into his pants.

“Walk two steps behind me.”  He said softly, almost kindly as he stroked her face and she nodded, once again swishing the cum around her mouth.  “Don’t swallow, don’t cum, and always act like a lady.”  She nodded.  They sat back in their seats and Rae immediately folded her hands in her lap and put her eyes back towards the stage calmly.  She saw Dominick sliding four fingers into Anabel’s vagina and anus and felt no shock at that, in fact it just made her cunt ache more.  Would that ever happen to her?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Probably not.  But it didn’t change the fact that watching people have sex was unbelievably sexy.  From Tom and Gina and their kink free show to the shocking Pandora to the dark and divine Dominick.  It had been amazing and she had gotten so many ideas.  She happily moved the cum around her mouth, revelling in its taste and smell.  They watched Dominick finish up by coming in Anabel’s mouth, ordering her to swallow softly.  His show had been a little over 60 minutes long in total, and it had been so satisfying.  With the two shows beforehand it had been just over two hours of sex and being turned on and Rae’s cunt was letting her know about it.  Pamphlets for Dominick and condoms where handed out and Finn stood and looked around, people were fucking everywhere, and he could certainly stay and torture Rae more, but for his first outing to a sex show, he felt content with what had happened and wanted to get her home; he had a feeling he’d be coming a couple more times before he was done.  He began to walk out, Rae following two steps behind as ordered.  At the door Mistress greeted them.

“Did you enjoy yourself Finn darling?”  She asked him and looked at Rae momentarily, a satisfied grin touching the corners of her mouth.  Finn looked back at Rae and saw her hair half pulled out of her ponytail, lipstick smeared up one side of her face, tear marks from one eye where the eye had watered when his cum had dribbled into it, dry cum clearly visible on her face her eye make-up smudged her dress opened and rumpled. 

“I did.”  He answered.  “Not sure if my whore did.”  He looked at her and grinned, “She hasn’t cum yet.” 

“I can tell.”  Mistress answered, “You can almost smell the desperation to cum on her.”  She looked Rae up and down, “Glad you’re finally keeping your mouth shut.”  She said and Rae nodded slowly.  Finn grinned happily and turned his eyes back to mistress.

“We’ll be back.”  He told her. 

“Of course you will.”  She turned to another couple leaving and Finn continued to head out as she greeted the woman this time.  Rae opened the car door for Finn and he sat in the car and waited for Rae to sit down.

“Get your tits out.”  He told her and Rae pulled her dress open exposing her breasts.  “They stay out until I say to cover them.”  He told her and started the car as she nodded.  They drove in silence, Finn’s hand massaging and squeezing her tits in between changing gears, Rae holding his cum in her mouth and trying to sit like a lady as her cunt only ached more and more for release.  When they pulled into Herbert Crescent Rae felt her body start to really ache, she was so close to being allowed to cum now.  She groaned around her mouth of cum in anticipation as he turned off the engine. 

“I’ll open the door for you.”  He told her and she nodded.  He got out of the car and scanned the street; it was empty, as expected when it was nearing 2am.  All the houses were dark and quiet and Finn grinned with a growing idea; he wanted to wake up the whole fucking street as the last thing he did on this truly unbelievable night.  He opened the door and Rae hesitated to get out of the car; her breasts were still exposed.

“Get out.”  He told her and she obeyed, her eyes scanning the street as he had.  But she barely had a chance to ascertain that no one could see her before he had spun her around and bent her over the bonnet, the car between her and the house.  She folded her arms behind her back as she’d seen the subs do at the club and went lose, letting herself be utterly controlled by him.  He pulled her hair sharply up, so she could see the house as he pulled up her skirt again.  She groaned, frustrated; she couldn’t cum until she got home, she had to be in that house, so close, before he’d let her cum.  He chuckled when he heard her frustrated groan; he did enjoy torturing her like this.  Her eyes were glued to the front door as he once again slid a finger in her anus.  She groaned much louder; the strange sensation of something going in and out of that tight hole made her vagina scream for attention.

“Don’t cum.”  He told her forcefully before he let go of hair, “Keep your eyes on the house.”  He commanded and again put his mouth to her cunt making her groan raggedly, her throat unable to open up, her mouth tightly closed around his cum; the smell and taste of it filling her senses.  She whimpered, her brows drawn as her body ached painfully for release.  She felt herself rushing towards the precipice again and tried to control herself.  She felt like her toes were on the edge of the cliff and she was struggling to keep balance.  At the moment that she felt she couldn’t stop herself from falling anymore he stopped and she groaned loudly in frustration and protest.  He withdrew his finger and Rae became unreasonably angry at that; she wanted him in her, and now he wasn’t touching her at all.  Finn chuckled again and knew he had to do this to her again; it was far too much fun not to.  He leaned against the car beside her, casually, and lit a cigarette. 

“Do you wanna cum, whore?”  He asked her, his voice barely a whisper.  She groaned loudly, her vocal chords trying to form the word yes with her mouth firmly closed, she nodded her head emphatically, desperately, willing to do anything to be allowed to cum.  “Are you inside the house?”  He asked her innocently and she groaned angrily and shook her head with real fury.  “Pity.”  His voice was so calm and soft, Rae moaned in appreciation for how sexy he was.  And then his hand came crashing down on her arse and the sound echoed up the silent street.  Rae’s eyes opened wide in surprise, pain and more pleasure than she had ever experienced from a spanking.  She pressed her lips together tightly as she gasped in pain, her eyes turning to the neighbouring houses, afraid they’d heard.  He spanked her arse hard again and again and again, Rae gasping loudly, her cunt on fire with pleasure.  He didn’t stop until he’d finished smoking his cigarette, Rae was in an agony of pleasure, tears in her eyes when he finished spanking her, her chin quivering from the effort of keeping her mouth closed throughout the whole thing.  He put a finger against her crack and she rubbed against him like a randy animal.  He laughed as he saw her going crazy with desire, groaning loudly.  He pressed a finger against her arsehole and she pushed back against him, sliding him into her and Finn cocked an eyebrow in surprise as she rid his finger aggressively, groaning unrepentantly. 

“Dirty bitch.”  He breathed and withdrew his finger from her to once again be met with an angry groan.  He smacked her arse again and then without any warning slid his cock into her cunt and started to thrust into her smoothly.  Rae groaned loudly; the urge to cum rising instantly, her body tensed and rushed towards the precipice and she worked hard to stop herself from coming.  She groaned urgently, and as loudly as she could with her closed mouth, the groans becoming desperate, high pitched whimpers as she struggled to not cum.  Finn could feel that she was close and he pushed her down into the car, her breasts pressing against the bonnet, her forehead touching the smooth black metal.

“Swallow.”  He told her and Rae did immediately, her mouth opening, letting out a loud groan, “Cum for me girl.”  He ordered as his slipped his thumb into her anus.  And Rae came spectacularly, her whole body shaking violently, her cunt clenching rhythmically with orgasm around his cock, Finn groaning loudly in appreciation at the strength of her orgasm, her moans were louder than anything she’d done before. 

“Scream for me girl.”  He ordered, and she did.

Phillip woke up from sleep to hear a loud orgasmic groaning; more screaming...  He got out of bed and went to his window just as the groan hit fever pitch and she screamed out his name.  Phil couldn’t see much from where he was, just the dark outline of someone he knew to be Rae bent over the bonnet of the car, someone, he knew it was Finn, ramming into her from behind.  He could see the movement, the action, but thankfully, no details.  He instantly closed the curtains and looked away, but he could hear her crying out his name.  From the pitch and urgency of her voice, he knew she wasn’t faking those orgasms.  He closed his eyes, wishing he couldn’t hear her, but loving that he could; she sounded magnificent when she came.  It was torture. 

“Oh my god Finn.”  She cried out as another orgasm rocked through her body.  Finn noticed lights going on down the street and laughed triumphantly.

“Cum again girl!”  He ordered, but he didn’t need to.  From the moment he’d let her cum, she hadn’t stopped coming.  He fucked her cunt and fingered her arse again, this time letting her enjoy it to the fullest, and it was spectacular.  He started push himself to cum as more lights were turning on and he knew the police would be called soon.  But he wanted to let her ride out this orgasm to the end.  His eyes scanned the street; only their house was still dark and her groans had finally slowed to ragged gasps, still loud; she was back on the precipice of coming already, he saw curtains twitching and pushed himself to cum harder; they had to stop now. 

“Down.”  He told her as he withdrew and she slid her back down the car and crouched, to protect her knees from the road.  She opened her mouth and Finn took both of her hands, holding them together above her head in one hand pressing them against the car, the other leaning on the roof of the car as he slid his cock down her throat, her head banging against the car as he started to fuck her throat, hard.  Finn focused on coming and felt himself getting close.

In his room, Phillip was trying to stop himself from having another look now that everything had gone silent.  But he couldn’t stop himself and he looked out to see Finn looking down at something hidden by the car.  Phillip knew what was happening as Finn threw his head back, clearly in orgasm.  He closed the curtains again and tried not to think about whether Rae swallowed or not.  He shook his head and went to his ensuite to have a shower, probably a cold one. 

Finn helped her stand up, her legs were exhausted and weak.  He noticed that his cum was still in her mouth. 

“Swallow.”  He grinned and watched her swallow his third load of the night.  “I want more.”  He told her and she nodded.  “You can talk, we’re back at the house now.”  He gently pulled her dress over her breasts, and smoothed the skirt of the dress back down as she spoke.

“I’m exhausted.”  She instantly blurted out, “but my cunt is aching for more and I wanna cum again right now.”  She told him.

“I vote for the pool.”  Finn said as he locked the car and took her hand. 

‘Oh that’s nice.”  She agreed, “We can float around…”

“And make love.”  Finn unlocked the front door and looked back at her. 

“Aye.”  She said with a happy smile.  “So you liked present number two?”

“Aye I did.”  He closed the door behind them and they headed downstairs immediately, both still horny.  “I was thinking we could make it a regular birthday present?”

‘Of course.”  She grinned.

“For both of us.”  He added, “I be the sub on your birthday… you be the sub on mine.” 

“I like this plan Finlay!”  She said and stripped off her dress, took out her hair and let it fall own her back.

“You’re so beautiful.”  He told her as he went to the poolside bar and poured them both a drink of iced water.  She took it gratefully and sipped it, her eyes never leaving his.  They knew they’d deconstruct the evening at some time and talk about everything that had happened, but for now they shared a heated glow of satisfaction and desire.  She took her drink to the pool and sat on the edge, her feet dangling in the warm water, she could already feel the bruising rising in her arse and knew that sitting tomorrow was going to be very difficult.  She put her glass down and looked back at Finn as he stripped and sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her waist she leaned into him and they sat together peacefully for a while before they both slipped into the pool.  They embraced immediately, kissing deeply and slowly circling in the water.  She wrapped her legs around him, staring into his eyes.

“I love you Finn.”  She told him as they clung to each other and he gently slid himself into her again.

“I love you girl.”  He answered still not able to believe his luck that he had her.  She groaned throatily as he began thrusting and he sighed in appreciation of how perfect she was in pleasure.  He knew as he watched her that even if they only made love for the rest of his life and explored his darker side no further, he’d be enraptured with the look on her face when he was inside of her, no less after they’d done it a million times, as he had been the first time.  She was spectacular and he was utterly captivated by her.  The most miraculous thing was that he could see from the look in her eyes that she felt exactly the same about him. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘My Baby Just Cares for Me’ by Nina Simone _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYSbUOoq4Vg &feature=kp_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYSbUOoq4Vg&feature=kp)

__

Rae opened her eyes to a bright breezy late Thursday morning.  Finn was sleeping beside her peacefully, a satisfied smile on his face.  She nestled in closer to him and he opened his arms to her in his sleep.

“Rae.”  He mumbled softly, “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”  She told him and kissed his lips gently.  He snored lightly and she smiled and stroked his face, watching his eyes begin to twitch with dreams.  Rae stroked his face and he responded to her touch slightly, his eyes still moving in his dream state.  “You’re kissing her.”  Rae whispered and he sighed contently.  Rae bit her bottom lip, surprised that it had worked, “You’re touching her.”  She whispered and felt his fingers twitch against her, his arms gently closing around her.  He mumbled her name and something else she didn’t quite catch, but it sounded like something positive.  “You are safe.”  She told him and stroked his hair, “And warm.  And happy.”  He pulled her closer again, “And nothing bad can ever happen to you here.”  She watched his peaceful face as she spoke; that content smile of his was something special.  “I will always love you Finn.”  She told him and he sighed happily again.  Rae looked up at the clock on the wall and knew she had to wake him soon; she had somewhere to take him.  When she looked back his eyes were open and on her face. 

“I had a dream.”  He told her, “I were making love to you, and you were speaking to me, while I was kissing your lips.”  He looked down at her lips, “Like as if your voice were in me own head.”  He looked up at her eyes.

“What did I say?”  She asked and he looked away.

“I can’t exactly remember.”  He furrowed his brows, “I remember that you said that you loved me.”  He looked back at her face, “And I felt safe and warm.”  She watched as his sleepy eyes started to close again and kissed his lips gently.  This kiss started as soft, gentle touches of soft lips, his hand raising to her face to stroke her skin.  Slowly the kiss deepened and Rae gently rolled him onto his back and straddled him.  His eyes were still sleepy, the content smile still playing on his lips when she started to make love to him.  His eyes never left her face, his hands gently caressed everywhere he could reach.

“I love you so much.”  She told him fiercely and Finn took a good long time to take everything in, the emotion behind her words, the feel of being inside of her, the slowly disappearing dream that left the sense of safety and warmth lingering throughout his whole being.  The thought of how hard it had been to come back to Stamford from Leeds, both times; neither time with a guarantee that it would work out.  He thought about the fear he’d had about going to Kester with her.  He thought about their fights, their struggles, his own coming into manhood, and understood that it all led to this moment. 

“I love you Rachel Nelson.”  He replied meaningfully and was greeted with kisses so deep he could barely breathe.

 

 

It was a little over 2 hours later when they left the house and Finn slid behind the wheel of their car.

“90 Holloway road.”  Rae muttered as she opened up the road map.  He looked over at her.

“So this is me third belated present?”  He asked and she nodded.

“It’s really a continuation of your second belated present.”  She said with a grin and he cocked an eyebrow at her.

“Oh aye?”  He asked with a saucy grin, “What’s my dirty little minx up to now?” 

“You’ll see.”  She grinned, “Head to Hans Crescent.”  She said, her eyes on the map.

“It’s alright, I roughly know where Holloway road is.”  He answered her and pulled out.  “So…” He gave her a quick look and Rae knew it was time for the deconstruction to begin, “Did last night go as expected for you?”

“I didn’t really know what to expect.”  She said honestly, “But I thought you’d be more dominant… and rougher.”

“Sorry.”  He frowned slightly.

“It’s not a bad thing.  I just thought I was getting into that dark place of yours you talk about.” 

“Oh you were.”  He grinned, “It was all new to me as well though.”  He said with an apologetic grin, “So you know… I was…”

“Taken aback?”  She asked slightly worried.

“Feeling my way.”  He answered.  “I’m always wondering if it’s right for me to wanna do the things I wanna do.  Like this morning when I saw the bruises on your arse I felt deeply satisfied before I felt worried that they must be hurting you.”  He scrunched up his face, “It worries me.” 

“They’re alright.”  She shrugged, “Every time they throb me lady bits get a little tingle.”  She grinned and he looked over at her.

“Yeah?”  She nodded.  “You’ll have to bruise me some so I know what it’s like.”

“You don’t have lady bits. Might be different for you.”  Rae mused.

“One way to find out.”  Finn gave her a cheeky grin and thought back to the previous evening.  “I guess the problem was that I don’t know if it’s ok for me to do those things to you.”

“I already said that-”

“No I don’t mean for you.”  Finn said, “I mean for me.”  He tried to make her understand, “Like if I do let myself go as dark and predatory as I can… what’s to say I won’t be able to come back one day.”

“The fact you’re asking that question.”  Rae said, “And that you love me.  And that we always talk about it.  And that you’re just as excited about me doing to you.  And that making love is still your favourite thing.” 

“It’s hard to see you as an object for me cock when you’re the woman I love.”  He persisted. 

“Alright.”  Rae said, “Think of it like this.  You want me to do it to you… to use you to get off?”

“Aye it’s so sexy.”  Finn grinned at her.

“What makes you think I won’t start treating you like that all the time?”

“Cos I trust you.”  He answered, “And we love each other.”  Finn said, “I understand what you’re saying Rae.” 

“Are you worried I can’t handle it?”  She asked him.

“99% of what I saw at that club is stuff I wanna do to you.”  He gave her a meaningful look.

“How much of it do you want me to do to you?”  Rae thought about it for a while. 

“I don’t know me own limits Finn.”  Rae answered honestly, “I’m kinda hoping we’ll find ‘em together.”

“But you do know ‘em.  You said pineapple quick smart about the ashtray mouth thing.” 

“Do you wanna do it?”

“No.”  

“You have to be honest if we’re gonna do this stuff Finn.”  Rae pressed him.

“No Rae.  I don’t wanna ash in your mouth.”  He answered her firmly, his eyes on the road.

“What if I wanted you to?”  Rae asked and he paused.

“I dunno.”  He answered honestly, “I’d give it a go.” 

“Exactly.”  Rae answered.  “When we was in Sutherland, there was no way you was ever, and I mean ever, getting anything my arse… but last night…”  Rae saw the grin play at the corners of his mouth before he put on a serious face again.  “You did.” 

“D’you do that just for me?”  He asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Yes and no.”  Rae said, “At first I was aware that by giving you all the power last night it might happen and that I’d try it for you.  But by the time you slid your finger up there, you could have been using your cock and I would have thanked you for it.”  Finn had to work hard to conceal the smile this time, “I guess you worked me up to it.”  She shrugged, “And yeah, it was one of my boundaries, but by the time it got to you doing it, it didn’t feel like a boundary, it felt like new territory to explore and I were excited for it.”  Rae put a hand on his thigh, “and I liked it.”  Finn turned his eyes to her.

“Aye?”

“Aye.”  She answered honestly, “But you’re never putting your cock up there, alright?”  She told him and he gave her a cheeky grin.

“Alright.” 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice that grin.”  She hit his arm softly and he chuckled.  Finn’s mind worked over what she’d said.

“Is it wrong to work you up to it though?”  He asked her sincerely.

“Not the way you do it.”  She said thinking of the way Liam had introduced her to blowjobs; an expectant demand.  “You just turn me on so much, tease a little and wait for my cue to see if I want it or not.”  She looked over at him, “Don’t think I didn’t notice the chances you gave me to say the safe word.  And I knew what was coming, and I didn’t say it.  Cos I wanted to know what it felt like, even though I were scared.”  Rae stroked his thigh, “You push a little, but not too much, and never with the expectation that it’ll happen… And I knew you’d stop if it hurt.”

“And it didn’t hurt?”  He asked her concerned, his eyes flicked to her face.

“No.”  She answered honestly, “And once I got used to it, it were actually nice… it makes my cunt ache for cock though.”  She shook her head, “like nothing else.”

“Oh aye?”  He asked slyly and she shook her head.

“I shouldn’t o’ told you that.” 

“So I’m thinking it’s ok for me to finger your arse then?”  He said with a satisfied grin.

“Just one finger.”  She said firmly, but he gave her that cheeky grin again.  “Finn Nelson!”  She said with a warning tone.

“I can’t help it if one day I work you into a horny frenzy and you want me to slip two in, now can I?”  He asked cockily and she hit his arm, but he persisted, “Or three.”  Another hit, “Or even me cock.”

“You’re a bad man Finn McCay Nelson.”  She told him, laughing. 

“The worst.”  He answered with smutty tone that made Rae’s cunt start to ache again.  “And you love it.” 

“Aye I do actually.”  She admitted and he turned his eyes to her. 

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do all the things I wanna do to you.”  He said honestly before looking back to the road, “It feels wrong to…”

“We’ll work up to it.”  She told him, “And we’ll only play rough sometimes… like once a month… or once a fortnight.”  Finn grinned slyly and bit his bottom lip as Rae spoke, “Or once a week.”  She added when she saw his smile.

“Oh Aye.”  Finn laughed, “Sunday fuck-fest.”  They laughed.

“No Saturday morning.”  She corrected, “Gives me Sunday to get over it, and we gotta do it afore I’ve eaten anything.”  He guffawed with dirty laughter, “So you can get in deep and neither of us have to worry about me gagging.”  She said it in a tone that was so matter of fact that it became deeply erotic for Finn.  He turned his eyes to her again.

“You trying to make me crash girl?”  He asked her, “Be thinking about trying to get me cock in your stomach when you speak like that.”  She chuckled, completely unworried by the idea that he might think like that.  “You serious about making it a weekly thing?”  He asked incredulously.

“Maybe.”

“But won’t it take all the fun and spontaneity out of it?” 

“Or make us anticipate it more.”  Rae answered and Finn considered this, “Plus it allows you to have a clear boundary; Saturdays are for exploring that side of us both.  The rest of the week is for whatever happens.” 

“So Saturdays kinda become the day for trying out new things.”  Finn was starting to warm to the idea. 

“And the rest of the week we just do the stuff we already know.”  She continued the thought, “We make love, we fuck… we might even get a little kinky if it’s something we’re both really comfortable with.” 

“And if we’re not in the mood on Saturday we obviously don’t do it.”

“Aye.”  Rae could tell that Finn felt safer with this idea.  It provided a set time to let that darker side out, to explore it.  It put a limit on how often he’d use her as a sex object, and doing that gave him permission to do it properly. 

“I might get really rough.”  He warned.

“Good.”  Rae answered, “Cos I want you to.”  She grinned and added, “And some o’ those Saturdays is gonna me tying you down and hurting you.” 

“Good.”  Finn answered lustily, “There hasn’t been enough o’ that.”

“Well I’m still new to it too.”  She told him and he nodded.  “But I got a few ideas from that club… Pandora was quite… instructive.”  Finn raised his eyebrows. 

“Fuck.”  He laughed, “I’m fucking in for it aren’t I?” 

“And you’re worried about what you’ll do to me?”  She laughed with him, “You should be more worried about what I’m gonna do to you!” 

“Ah but I want you to do it.  So I’m not worried about it.” 

“I wonder if you’ll feel that way when I tie you down and put me finger up your arse.”  She said and he turned his face to her incredulously.

“You what?”

“You put it up mine, so I put it up yours.” 

“We didn’t agree to that afore I did it.”  He said, suddenly understanding the fear she’d felt. 

“Sucks to be you.”  She grinned at his discomfit. 

“Are you serious?”  He asked.

“Somewhat.”  She told him.  “I’m not gonna make you do it for fingering my arse… but let’s put it this way Finlay.  If you wanna put your cock up my arse, you gonna have to take my finger up yours.”  Finn’s jaw dropped and he had to force himself to keep his eyes on the road.

“Rae?”  He asked horrified. 

“It’s not even a fair trade!”  She said, “Your cock’s much bigger than my finger.”  He turned his eyes to her looking thunderstruck, “I know you thought that cos you got a finger up there, your cock was guaranteed.”  She told him, “It’s not.”  Finn furrowed his brows and thought about this as he looked back at the road. 

“So…”  He mulled it over, “If I let you finger me arse, I get to fuck yours…?”

“That’s not what I meant.”  Rae had meant for it to be a fun way to put the brakes on his intentions for just a little, while she got her head around the whole anal thing, not for him to take it as a challenge. 

“No but that’s the outcome innit?”  He grinned. 

“What, you gonna do it?”  She asked him surprised.  He bit his bottom lip.

“Maybe.”  He replied cheekily. 

“Well you have a think about it Finlay.”  She advised him and he nodded his head, unwilling to commit to anything just yet. 

“Aye I will.”  He grinned. 

“So what things d’you wanna try from the show?”  She changed the subject.

“Well we’re getting some fucking hooks.”  He said and she nodded.  “What about you?”  He thought about Pandora’s show, “You wanna piss on me like that Eve bird did to that guy?”    
“Why d’you go straight to that?”  Rae asked with a disgusted tone.

“Cos it were the most fucking fucked up thing I ever saw.”

“It kinda grosses me out.”  Rae agreed.  “So that’s out then?”

“Aye.”  He replied, “But I were willing to do it if you wanted to.” 

“Serious?”

“I’m willing to do a lot o’ things for you.”  He shrugged. 

“I think we can put pissing off the table.”  Rae said assuredly. 

“Oh aye?” Finn asked, “With anal sex?”  He asked smugly.

“Alright, some things are gonna stay off the table.”  Rae said, “And some things, might… and I mean might… not definitely… might get put back on the table.” 

“Well I got no desire for pissing.”  Finn said firmly. 

“And it grosses me out.”  Rae added.

“Not seeing that make an appearance any time soon then.”  Finn breathed a little easier.  “But I do got desire for anal… and you…?”

“I’m unsure.”

“So it’s kinda hovering around the table.”  Finn asked with that cheeky grin.

“But not on it.”  Rae said firmly. 

“Aye, not on it.”  He agreed seriously, “Unless I get me arse fingered.”  He mulled it over and Rae shook her head. 

“But you know… it might be nice to get a riding crop.”  She said softly as she thought back to Pandora’s show. 

“Oh aye.”  Finn said with an appreciative tone.  Rae bit her bottom lip.  “Oh hey, what were the bartender saying to you?” 

“He made me ask for drinks even when he knew me mouth was full o’ cum.”  Rae laughed, “And then he told me to do it again with proper manners.”  Finn laughed loudly.  “He called me cunt and slut and bitch…”  Rae shook her head.  “I can’t believe it.”

“Holy shit.”  Finn frowned.

“It’s alright in that setting and in those circumstances innit?”  She said seriously.  “I wonder what he’ll call you in December.”  Finn turned his eyes to her and bit his bottom lip.

“Can’t wait.”  He said honestly.

“And we’ll know more what to expect and how to act.”  Rae laughed, “Won’t be such obvious newbs!” 

“It were so good though Rae.’  Finn told her, “Thank you.”  He turned to look at her, “I enjoyed it, and next year I will take full advantage of properly submissive, no fighting back, no arguing Rae.” 

“See that you do.”  She said in a commanding voice that set Finn’s balls to aching. 

“How d’you even think of it?” 

“I dunno.”  Rae laughed, “I were just drunkenly dancing with Rhys and bang – there it was.” 

“So Rhys makes you think about sex shows?”  Finn laughed.

“Well he is attractive.”

“Oh right.”  Finn shook his head and she laughed at him.  “I’m sorry about that naked girl who sat on me lap.” 

“It’s not your fault.”  Rae shrugged, “Gotta expect some stuff like that to happen at a place like that.”

“She wanted me to be her daddy.”  Finn told her with a frown.

“Ugh… that feels so incestuous.”  Rae answered with a confused face, “Why would…?” she shook her head, “I’m never calling you daddy.”  She told him and Finn laughed.

“I’ll survive that one being off the table.”  He told her earnestly, “I much prefer being called sir.”  His tone became serious suddenly and his eyes turned to her slowly. 

“Sir it is.”  She replied with a smutty grin.  Finn pulled up outside of a café and Rae kept her eyes on him.  She didn’t need to clarify that she would only call him ‘sir’ when she was being submissive; that was understood by both of them. 

“What am I gonna call you?”  He asked her and she shrugged.

“Dunno yet.”  She thought about it, “I’ll let you know.”  He came and opened the door for her and Rae got out and looked around.  “So where are we?”

“Somewhere on Holloway.”  He looked across the road at a mannequin in a shop window wearing a latex dress, the next store had heavy bars over the windows and the next store was an automotive parts store.  He looked for a number somewhere but Rae was grinning.

“Well done Finlay!”  She exclaimed, “That House o’ Harlot.”  Finn looked over at the mannequin in the window and grinned.

“Getting some latex?”  He asked with an expectant grin. 

“No something else.”  Rae had done her research, searching through the phone directory for hours, making numerous phone calls, and she had found this place.  “Fettered Pleasures.”  She said and Finn looked for a store sign. 

“Where is it?”

“Next to House O’ Harlot.”  They crossed the road together, Finn already having an idea what was in store.  When they got to the door Rae turned to him and took a bunch of five pound notes from her pocket and handed them to him.  “Fifty pounds.”  She said, “To spend on what you want.”  She turned and pressed the buzzer on the side of the door; Rae had rung up and asked what they had and they had told her she’d have to do this, and where they were located.  Finn un-scrunched the battered notes that he realised she must have been secreting away for months and looked at her adoringly as she stared at the door expectedly. 

“Thank you.”  He said softly.

“I want it to be a gift that’ll keep on giving, you know?”  She grinned as the door opened for them.  She walked in first, Finn following and they were greeted by a well organised store with just about anything and everything you could imagine for sexual exploration.  Costumes, harnesses, swings, ropes, masks, handcuffs, dildos, cock rings, electric shock prods, blindfolds, corsets, gags, whips, paddles, books, magazines and so much more… they even had chastity belts.  Both Finn and Rae looked around with wide eyes and open mouths.  The man behind the counter gave them a sly grin.

“How can I help you today?”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I’ll Let Nothing Separate Us’ by Otis Redding  _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9dEHMkb7f4&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9dEHMkb7f4&feature=kp)

 

It was Friday and Archie felt anxious in a way he never had before.  The plan was to visit Tom’s parents in Church Row in Hampstead for lunch before they went to meet up with the gang at Chop’s place.  Chop constantly reminded them it wasn’t his place, but that’s what they kept calling it nonetheless. 

They had been living together for just over a week.  Archie’s parents had been curious and cautious about the decision, but overall supportive, even helping him move out.  Archie had known they’d be good, they liked Tom, and his mother would often lament that it wasn’t fair to women that Tom was gay.  His father had been unimpressed about his plans to defer university until he had heard about the travel plans, he’d given Archie £1000 to add to his travel savings and Archie had had a hard time not crying.  And then his mother had done what he knew she’d do; she’d invited Tom to bring his parents to meet them.  Tom had deflected this request admirably, but the fact remained; Archie had not met Tom’s parents. 

Tom was noticeably tense as he drove.  He knew London well, so it made sense that he’d drive.  Archie put a hand on the back of his neck and gently rubbed his shoulders.  He sighed appreciatively but kept his eyes ahead. 

“Are you sure you wanna do this Archie?”  Tom asked gravely.  Archie wasn’t used to Tom being so serious.

“Yes.”  He replied with equal seriousness.

“My parents are not your parents Archibald.”  Tom said, a hint of sorrow creeping into his voice.

“I know, you’ve told me.”  He said, “But there must be something good about them. They created you.”  Tom scoffed slightly at what he said and shook his head. 

“Well I hope they’ve mellowed since the last time I saw them.”  He said grimly, “But I somehow doubt that.”  He pulled up outside a beautiful double storey terrace house and took a deep breath. 

“We’ll be fine.”  Archie told him and Tom nodded.  But it wasn’t himself he was worried about; he was used to his parents.  He was ashamed of the way they were and he worried how it would affect Archie.  Archie grabbed the bottle of wine he’d spent way too much money on and got out of the car.  Tom stayed in the car a moment longer before slowly getting out and looking up at the window of what had once been his bedroom.  He hesitated to take Archie’s hand, knowing what his parent’s response would be.  But as soon as his fingers slipped between Archie’s fingers he felt calmer.  He looked at Archie’s smiling face.

“Alright.”  He nodded, “Let’s get this over with.”  They walked up to the door and Tom turned to Archie, “I love you.”  He said firmly.  “Ok?”

“Ok.”  Archie grinned, “I love you too.”  Tom lifted the door knocker and clanged it down three times.  The door was opened almost immediately by a woman of striking beauty.  It was clear where Tom had gotten his looks from.  She looked over her shoulder and then at her son, her face stern.

“Why are you holding his hand?”  She asked without looking at Archie. 

“He’s my partner, mum.”  Tom replied stiffly.  She mulled this over for a moment, her eyes taking Archie in with no hint of warmness. 

“If you want to come into this house you don’t touch each other.”  She replied firmly.  Tom opened his mouth angrily but Archie squeezed his hand.

“That’s fine.”  Archie said, trying to make peace before anything started.  “Alright Tom, it’s fine.”  Tom’s nostrils flared and he looked away before nodding his head.  They let their hands drop and Tom’s mother leaned forward and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. 

“It’s good to see you, my son.”  Her smile was almost warm, but her whole body was strained, and her lips pressed together almost angrily.  She turned, her slender figure moving gracefully as she led them into the house. 

She sat them down in the dining room and Archie handed her the wine, she looked at the bottle and tried to smile.

“Thank you.”  She said softly and left the room, she still hadn’t looked Archie in the eye; she kept looking at the air above his head.  Tom’s hand found his under the table and Archie gave him a quick look as they sat at the table, Tom taking a few deep breaths before chuckling darkly. 

“So that was my mother, Pamela.  Pammie to people she likes.”  He lowered his eyes, “Mrs Daley to you.”  He said in an apologetic tone.

“It’s alright.”  Archie reassured him.

“Call her Pammie.”  He said with a devilish grin and Archie gave him a stern face.

“Shush you!”  Archie said, “I’m gonna make a good impression on them!”  Tom chuckled and shook his head.

“I love you Archie, and you’re perfect.”  He looked terribly sad and turned his face away, “But you won’t.” 

“Tell me about your father.”  Archie said bracingly, choosing to ignore Tom’s pessimism. 

“Used to be a top end footballer.” Tom answered, “Coaches now.” 

“Mr Daley to me?”  Archie asked and Tom nodded grimly.

“I’m sorry Archie.”  He whispered fiercely, “Let’s just go.” 

“Not a chance.”  Archie said firmly, “They’re your parents.  They might be a hard nut to crack but we’ll get there.  We’re brilliant.”  Archie stroked his face and Tom closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Archie’s fingers, “And they obviously mean something to you.”  Archie said, “You’ve stayed in contact with them all these years.” 

“I think that’s out of guilt.”  Tom said softly, “You know; you’re supposed to love your family and be close to them.”

“Your nerves today tell me that they mean something to you.”  Archie told him, “So they mean something to me.” 

“No you mean something to me, and this is madness.”  Tom countered. 

“Oh well.”  Archie grinned, “Your madness is my madness.”  Tom grinned, feeling deeply loved and supported by Archie, and so pleased that he had a partner like him. 

“Alright.”  He mumbled not even trying to hide how happy Archie made him.  “Alright.”  He took another steadying breath and looked around the house.  Pamela walked back in with some plates and glasses.

“Your father will be in momentarily.”  She looked pointedly at how close they were sitting.  “Thomas sit on the other side of the table.”  She said firmly and set the table.  Tom looked at Archie and Archie gave him a shrug to tell him just do it.  Tom gritted his teeth and sat on the other side of the table.  Pamela left the room again, but returned with water for both of them.  She sat down and turned her torso towards Tom.

“Tell me what’s happening with you.”  She said almost softly.  Archie could see she wanted to know, could see that she loved her son.  But it was also very clear that she didn’t approve of his sexuality at all. 

“I’m starting a business.”  He told her and she smiled genuinely.

“That’s excellent news!”  She was truly stunning when her face was lit up like this.  Archie grinned at Tom but Tom gave him a slight shake of the head and a knowing look as he spoke.

“With Rhys.”  Tom turned his eyes from Archie back to his mother to see her face fall, as he knew it would.

“Is that that black man I saw you with last year in Kings Cross?”

“That’s him.”  Tom said with an unimpressed look.

“Why would you throw your money away like that?”  Her demeanour was stern again and Tom gave a rueful smile to Archie.

“I’m not wasting my money.”  He countered calmly.

“That man is clearly a thug.”  She asserted strongly and Archie couldn’t believe his ears.

“Rhys is great.”  He tried to reason and Pamela moved her eyes to the air above his head. 

“Have you met this black man?”  She asked him.

“Yeah, and he’s a good guy.” Archie said reasonably, struggling to not get defensive; he really wanted to make this work with Tom’s parents. 

“Then you know that he is covered in tattoos and has green facial hair and his eyes are cold.  He looks like a murderer.”  She stated.  “They all do.” 

“It’s blue now.”  Archie said in shock before looking at Tom who looked away to hide his grin.  Archie gathered himself the best he could and pressed on; “And sure he looks a bit intimidating cos he’s basically a human mountain, but he’s actually really nice.”  He didn’t know how to address the blatant racism and lowered his eyes, still in surprise at the way she thought.  It made him see Rhys in a new light; did he have to put up with this kind of thing all the time? 

“Is he a homosexual like you?  Is that why you like him?”  She asked Archie, still refusing to look at him. 

“And me.”  Tom added.

“You are not a homosexual.”  She turned her eyes back to Tom and spoke in a firm commanding voice. “You are confused.” 

“No mum.  I’m gay.” 

“You re my son.”  She said softly, “and I love you.”  She looked at him with grim determination, “And you will get over this phase.”  She stood up and went to the kitchen and Tom turned to Archie.

“Racist and homophobic.”  He said and Archie shook his head.

“Tough room.”  He joked with little humour, letting out a deep breath. 

“To be fair, my dad isn’t as racist, but he is quite the misogynist.” Tom grinned mirthlessly, “And of course, he’s got the homophobia down pat.” 

“Do you wanna show me the room you grew up in?”  Archie tried to keep his chipper mood.

“You don’t go anywhere in this house without permission.”  Tom said, “I’m very much a guest.”  He looked around, “This hasn’t been a home to me since I realised I was gay.”

“How old were you?”  Archie asked and Tom breathed out slowly.

“Nine.”  He answered, “I knew I preferred boys when I was nine.”  He laughed, “I didn’t understand what sex was, but I knew what boys were.”  He pulled a slightly bitter face, “I told my mother when she kept talking about girls and she told me that every little boy thinks he prefers boys but eventually I’d blossom, and realise what girls had to offer.”  Archie pulled a face, “I think she’s still telling herself that.”  Tom took a sip of his water and his father walked in.  Like Tom, he was ridiculously handsome, and Archie had an image of what Tom would look like when he started to grey; very nice indeed.  He offered a hand to Tom and Tom stood to shake it.

“Good to see you son.”  He said stiffly and sat down, ignoring Archie all together. 

“Dad.”  Tom equalled his father’s stiff demeanour and added and bleak smile.  “This is Archie.”  Tom tried to introduce Archie but his father held up his hand. 

“Your mother told me.”  He said almost kindly, and Tom’s face fell.  Pamela came in with several plates of food and arranged them around the centre of the table. 

“Darling this is Thomas’ friend, Archie.”  She said as she began to serve the food onto their plates.  Mr Daley turned to Archie with a fake smile and looked in his eye.

“Archie?”  He said with an almost pleasant voice, “Short for anything?”

“We live together.”  Tom said firmly. 

“So you’re flat mates?”  He asked with a warning tone as he turned back to Tom.

“No dad.”  Tom said with a tone that denoted he’d had this discussion with them a thousand times already.  “He’s my partner, I’m gay.” 

“He’s your friend.”  Pamela said firmly, like a mother chiding her naughty son. 

“It’s fine.”  Archie told Tom, he could see that the only way Tom could have a relationship with his parents was to lie.  “We’re flatmates.”  He grinned supportively and Tom shook his head.

“I won’t hide.”  He said to Archie.  “We’re lovers.”  He turned to his father, “I fuck that man every day,” He turned to his mother, “and he fucks me.”  His mother slapped his face and Tom nodded as if he had expected it. 

“Don’t use that language in my house.”  She said angrily and looked away from him. 

“I’ve told you both that I like men, that I’m gay, I’m a homosexual, a faggot… I’ve told you both.”

“You’re confused.”  Pamela sat down and began to eat her lunch.  Tom turned back to his father who was glaring at him.

“Gonna punch me this time too, dad?”  Tom asked, “Gonna try beating the fag outta me again.”  Archie felt his inside clenching as Mr Daley stood up and Tom stayed seated, as if in defiance, he raised his chin, ready to be hit, not fighting back, a heartbreaking look on his face. 

“My son is no pansy.”  Mr Daley said, “Those poofters are all effeminate shit eaters.”

“Yes as a boxer I am clearly the least masculine a man can get.”  Tom answered sarcastically, “And yet I’m still a poofter.” 

“If you were truly a faggot,” Pamela interjected, “You’d have a proper relationship, instead of all these flings you have.”  She reasoned, “You’re just experimenting, lots of young men do that.” 

“Mum I’d marry this man if the fucking law’d let me!”  Tom said, “I’m in love with him.”

“It’s unnatural!”  She shrieked at him as if a dam of pent up anger had burst but she quickly found her composure again and looked down at her food. 

“It’s not unnatural!”  Tom replied more exasperated than angry, “It’s been around forever… animals do it!”

“Faggots are a new thing.”  Mr Daley said and Archie turned his eyes to him in disbelief, “They’re a fad.”

“Wanna ask the ancient Greeks about that?”  Archie said before he realised he’d opened his mouth.  Everyone turned their eyes to Archie, but he only noticed Tom’s grateful eyes.

“Gay people have always been around, dad.”  Tom added, “Cave people were probably doing shit that made other cave people mutter about ‘unnatural sex acts.’”  Archie enjoyed the way Tom built on his argument. 

“Faggots only came into existence when the feminazis starting emasculating men.”  Mr Daley said and Archie simply couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“Look, you know what?”  Tom said angrily and Archie felt his insides clench again, “I’m tired of this discussion.”  He looked at his father and then his mother, “I’m 24 years old now.”  He said, “I’m still a fucking poof.  It’s not a phase, I’m not experimenting.”  He told her, “It’s never gonna change.”  He looked almost imploringly at her, “Mum…”  He said, “I love you.”  She looked at him with a disgusted look on her face, “But Archie is my partner, and if you can’t accept that-”

“If you’re a faggot you’re not my son.”  His father said and Tom turned his eyes to his dad.  It was obvious he’d expected this from his father, but it hurt no less.  He looked back at his mother.

“And you?”  He asked her, his voice cracking slightly.

“I could overlook all of your dalliances, no matter how repulsive they are.  But if you’re truly gay… and you’re in this… relationship… then…” She looked up at her husband, “Then we’ll disown you, and have nothing more to do with you.” 

“Not just us…”  His father said, “But your sister, your cousins… the whole family.”  His voice was filled with hatred, “You’ll come near none of us.”  The ultimatum lingered in the air and Archie watched Tom’s face as he swallowed hard and took a deep breath. 

“So you’re asking me to choose between my partner, and my family?’  Tom said softly, his eyes downcast, his whole body filled with misery.

“Find yourself a good woman.”  His mother pleaded.  Archie watched Tom closely and he felt his heart break from the sorrow on Tom’s face as he nodded slowly.

“Alright.”  He said slowly and his mother’s face lit up.  “Alright.”  Tom repeated more firmly and looked up at his mother. 

“My son!”  She said and she leaned across the table and took him into her arms joyously.  Tom hugged her fiercely, wrapping his arms around her tightly.  Archie watched his eyes squeeze shut in pain before he buried his face in his mother’s neck, holding her for as long as he could. 

“Goodbye mum.”  He said to her gently, though his throat was constricted with emotion and his heart ached for the love of his mother.  She froze. 

“Tom?”  She asked him, confused and heartbroken as he pulled out of the hug and looked at her for a moment longer, his eyes filled with grief, before turning away and looking at his father with regret. 

“Goodbye dad.”  He got up and looked over at Archie.  “Let’s go.” 

“Tom!”  His mother asked in a small panicked voice, unable to believe what was happening as Tom turned to leave, Archie hurrying after him. 

“If you do this boy, never come back!”  His father roared and Tom didn’t even pause as he kept walking and opened the front door.  Archie turned to look at both of them, Pamela looked grief-struck; she had clearly expected the ultimatum to go her way.  Mr Daley was infused with rage and Archie knew better than to hang around.

“I’m sorry.”  He said to Pamela sincerely and quickly left as she shrieked at him. 

“This is your fault!”

Tom was in the car waiting for him and as soon as Archie got in he drove away without having looked back once.

Archie was silent as Tom drove angrily, above the speed limit.  He didn’t know what to say. 

Eventually Tom realised he was driving dangerously and pulled over aggressively, slamming his hands into the steering wheel as soon as they were still. 

“I’m so sorry.”  Archie said to him, but Tom couldn’t look at him just yet; the tears were threatening to come and he didn’t want to give his parents one more tear.  Archie reached over the park brake and the glove box and wrapped his arms around Tom and he instantly melted into Archie’s arms, sobs starting to push out of his throat.  Archie held Tom, silently stroking his hair and whispering to him.

“We’ve got each other.”  Archie told him, “We’ll always have each other.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Hey Dude’ by Kula Shaker _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDHd-vxcMDo&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDHd-vxcMDo&feature=kp)

 

After dumping their bags at the base of the stairs, Tom and Archie followed Finn through the house to the kitchen table where everyone was crowding around with empty plates and drinks, waiting for Rhys to finish cooking.

“Best food you’ll ever eat!”  Chloe was telling them.

“It fucking smells good.”  Rae said, “Hurry it up Rhys!”  Rhys turned to Tom and Archie, being the only person who realised they were here far too early.

“How did the family luncheon go?”  He asked astutely.

“Well I’ve officially been disowned.”  Tom declared with a wry grin, “And I need a stiff gin.”

“I can help you with that son!”  Chop went to the liquor cabinet while the rest of the gang crowded around Tom to offer him support.  Rhys came over with a big pot of jollof rice and a big plate of chicken and beef suya skewers. 

“Good!”  Archie looked at the food, “I’m fucking starving.”  He put an arm around Tom’s shoulders and kissed his cheek.

“At least we can eat and be fags here.”  Tom said with another wry grin.  Chop returned with vodka and gin and put them down on the table.

“Let’s do a few shots!”  He said happily and went searching through the kitchen for shot glasses.

“I don’t know if a house like this has shot glasses.”  Rhys said as he started to serve out the food. 

“I always feel at home in places like these because I’ve got four names.”  Archie said and ate some food.  “Oh fuck this is hot!”  He laughed. 

“I warned you all it were spicy!”  Chloe told him.

“You think you’re so posh cos you got four names!”  Rae told him.

“You do too!”  He shot back.

“Oh right.”  She laughed, “Guess I belong here too!” 

“The rice is less spicy Archer.”  Izzy told him and handed him a glass of water from the jug and glasses Rhys had put out for them.  She watched Chop searching for shot glasses for a minute and shook her head before going to the cupboard and just getting normal glasses to pour the alcohol in.  She poured alcohol for everyone, gin for Rhys and Tom, vodka for the rest of them and Chop gave up and came back to the table.  They raised their glasses and Chop nodded to Rhys.

“I think this splendid cunt here should toast us since he cooked the food!” 

“You’re stuck on ‘splendid cunt’ aren’t you?”  Chloe asked him and he nodded.  He’d been calling everyone a splendid cunt lately.  Rhys grinned and nodded, before looking over at Tom with real affection that Tom returned.

“To Tom, lost one family, gained a better one.”  Rhys said meaningfully and looked around at them all.  It was brutally honest and blunt in a manner that only Rhys could accomplish without causing pain; because the point was not lost on anyone.  Tom was a part of them all now. 

“Yeah!”  They cheered, “To Tom!”  Tom chuckled and accepted the toast happily.  They downed their drinks in one gulp and started to eat in earnest, Tom’s insides settling as he felt Archie’s thigh pressed against his and listened to the chatter.  Eventually they subtly asked him and Archie for details.

“You’re a thug Rhys!”  Archie cheered loudly and Rhys laughed a deep chuckle and nodded.

“Didn’t you know?”  He said, “All black men are thugs!” 

“Oh aye!”  Rae laughed, “Obviously.”

“Yeah I’ve robbed this house six times in the two hours I’ve been here.”  He said and poured some more gin for Tom.  He’d been cooking the whole time he’d been here and the juxtaposition between Pamela’s expectations of Rhys and the reality was startling to Archie as he considered his previous thoughts in the Daley house; he only wished he’d said more, about the racism, the misogyny and the homophobia, but he’d been so determined to make it work somehow. 

“How did Rhys come up?”  Izzy asked confused. 

“Oh.”  Tom said and looked up at Rhys, “Um…”  Rhys nodded, “We’re going into business together.”  He declared almost apologetically to a stunned silence.

“A better gym.”  Finn said instantly and Rhys nodded.

“Fucking brilliant!”  Chop pronounced loudly, “Another fucking toast!”

 

 

Lunch was a rowdy affair and by the end of it Tom was laughing along happily, his troubles forgotten for now.  After a tipsy, rambling exploration of the house, Chop getting annoyed that Rae and Finn weren’t in a guest room, but not caring enough to make them move, they all poured out of the house to explore London on foot.  Kelsey and Phil were sitting on the front stoop again, Kelsey smoking and looking unimpressed with the brightness of the sun. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”  Chop asked loudly when he saw Phillip.  Phil, topless again leaned back on the stairs disinterestedly. 

“I fucking live here.”  He answered.  Rae raised her eyebrows at the way he swore again and then her eyes widened as she remembered all the house lights going on two nights ago when Finn had fucked her up against their car.  She turned her eyes to Phil and saw him look down immediately, and she knew that he had heard her screaming out Finn’s name.  She felt a blush rise in her cheeks and cleared her throat softly. 

“You live in fucking Stamford.”  Chop said.  “Are you fucking following us?”  He said angrily. 

“If this place wasn’t my home I could hardly afford to fucking live here for 6 weeks on the off chance one of you fuckers might own the place next door, now could I?”  He asked and shook his head, “Fucking hell, do you have any idea how much these places cost.”  He said and Kelsey chuckled; her brother was holding his own and she liked that. 

“Course I fucking do!”  Chop said, “It’s me grandpa’s place.”

“Wait… Peters didn’t sell the place did he?”  Phil said, “And you’re a Peters?”  He asked incredulously. 

“Course I fucking am!”  Chop was getting unreasonably angry.

“Arnold fucking Peters.”  Phillip laughed and shook his head, “Small fucking world.”  He mused. 

“Holy shit.”  Kelsey laughed, “I haven’t seen any o’ you guys for years!”  Chop furrowed his brows and looked up at Kelsey.

“You Kelsey?”  She nodded and Chop broke out into a huge grin.  Kelsey jumped up and threw her arms around him, Phillip stayed on the stairs, but his eyes were curious, obviously wondering if Chop would be different now.  Chop kept his arm around Kelsey’s waist and turned to the gang,

“I used to hang around with these fuckers when we was kids and I visited me pa in the holidays!”  He said happily. 

“We were about 10 or 11.”  Kelsey grinned, “You were my first kiss.”  She told him and Chop laughed.

“Me too!”  Chop answered, and Izzy furrowed her brow.

“I haven’t seen you since I was about 13 or 14, what happened?”  She asked.

“Ah me dad’s gambling got outta control and he fought with me pa.”  Chop said, “Wouldn’t let me visit no more.”  He let go of Kelsey’s waist and looked down at Phillip, “You fucking changed lad!”  He chuckled, “You were such a weedy fucking cunt!”  Phillip shrugged lazily and Chloe turned her eyes to Rae, and they shared a look that said ‘we shouldn’t find him so attractive but…’

“I’m not fuckin 12 anymore Arnie.”  Phil replied. 

“What are you fuckers doing in Stamford?”  Chop sounded so confused.

“Father has work.”  Phillip said in a posh voice and Chop laughed.

“Aye, I remember your dad being right proper ball buster.”  Chop reminisced.

“He pretend we were always rich, rather than we’d just gotten rich that year!”  Phil replied, “So we’d fit in better with our new peers.”  He laughed, “fucking twat.”  Chop sat down on the stairs, Finn raising his eyebrows.

“Billy said you was disowned or something Kelsey?”  Chop asked as she sat beside him.

“I was!” 

“What are you doing here?”

“Father has work in Stamford.”  She put on the posh voice and then started laughing, “So I’m teaching this fucker,” She nodded at Phil, “To be as much of a disappointment to our parents as I am!”  Chop guffawed.

“Good fucking luck with that.”  He looked at Phillip, “Fucking overachiever here.” 

“I’m not understanding.”  Izzy said, uncomfortable with how close Kelsey was sitting to Chop. 

“We used to live out in Ealing.”  Phillip said, “Poor as fuck.”  Kelsey laughed.

“But happier than when we got rich as fuck.”  She told them, “Least I was.”  Phillip shrugged nonchalantly.

“Dad figured out something with the internet that revolutionised the way businesses traded on the stock markets.”

“Internet?”  Izzy asked.

“Computers.”  Archie said impressed.

“And when I was 11 and he was 9… dad bought this house and moved us in to a place that hated children being children.”  Kelsey said bitterly.

“The only good part was when the Peter’s grandkids came during the school holidays.”  Phillip added.

“We’d go rambling around London getting in to all sorts o’ trouble!”  Chop grinned, “Can’t believe I didn’t recognise you mate!”  Chop said apologetically.

“’S’alright, I didn’t recognise you either.”  Phillip shrugged.  “I was closest to Bill anyway.”  Finn tried not to laugh.  Phil had once had a friend named Bill.  “How is he?  I haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Knocked his girl up!”  Chop gossiped.

“I thought Chantel were gonna stay a virgin till she got married?”  Kelsey asked.

“Nah they broke up, cos o’ that!”  Chop grinned cheekily, “New girlfriend, Bianca.” 

“Holy shit!”  Kelsey shook her head.  “We’ve got a lot to catch up on Arnie.”  She laced her arm around Chop’s waist intimately and Chop took in her grin for a moment before turning to Izzy.

“Yeah you haven’t met me fiancé yet.”  He nodded at Izzy and Kelsey’s face fell momentarily and then she smiled genuinely. 

“Hi!”  She got up and shook Izzy’s hand.

“You two should come on our little jaunt!”  Chop said and then suddenly remembered Finn and looked up at him guiltily.  Finn shook his head took a deep breath and then shrugged as he looked away.

“You gotta introduce me to everyone!”  Kelsey grinned and Chop did the rounds.  The first thing Rae noticed was that Kelsey was incredibly genuine and interested in everyone and the second thing she noticed was the cool nod she gave Finn.  Phillip looked awkwardly at everyone as he stood up, his shirt hanging from his back pocket, and shoved his hands in his front pockets.  He looked up at Rae thoughtfully and she shot him a friendly smile which he returned.  Chop and Izzy lead the way, Kelsey and Phillip walking with them as they caught up on each other’s family news.  Phillip pulled his plain white t-shirt on as he spoke with Chop.

“I didn’t even know your grandfather still owned this place you know.”  He said, “He’s never here when I am.”

“He’s going out with an Italian woman now.”  Chop told him, “Spends a lot o’ time in Italy with her.”

Their group of four walked slightly ahead of the rest of the gang as they walked through the neighbourhood towards Hyde Park.  It was a beautiful, warm afternoon and Finn rested his arm over Rae’s shoulders lazily as they sauntered towards the park.  He looked ahead at Chop and Phillip talking.

“I’m never getting rid o’ that arsehole am I?”  Finn said and Rae shrugged.

“Who knows?”  She said, “You might.”  She said with a grin.

“You always know what to say to cheer me up.”  He pulled her to him slightly and they chuckled together.  Beside them Tom was walking arm in arm with Archie. 

“I’m sorry about my parents.”  Tom said softly.”

“Don’t be.”  Archie, “I shouldn’t o’ pushed to meet them.”

“You couldn’t have known what they’re like.”  Tom shrugged sadly, “I’m sorry if I gave you a fright.”  He said with a sad face, “You know if it looked like I’d choose them over you.”

“I never doubted you for a second.”  Archie said, “The minute the ultimatum was put out there, I knew exactly how it were gonna go down.”  Archie gave him a sad smile, “I’m sorry they did that to you.”

“’S’alright.”  Tom said, “It was going to happen eventually.  Least it happened on my terms.”  He smiled more happily, “And for a really good reason.” 

“Yeah, it’s not a bad reason, I s’pose.  As reasons go.”  Archie teased.

After a meandering stroll through the gardens they found a beautiful willow tree near the water to sit under, to while away the afternoon.  Before he sat Finn offered to get drinks for them.

“You should shout everyone, Phil.”  Kelsey said offhandedly and Phil looked up Finn. 

“Yeah alright.”  Phil said and got up to accompany Finn.  Rae watched Finn give a deeply unimpressed look at Phil before kissing her and heading off to a drink and ice cream stall they’d seen not far from here.  Phillip followed, his hands stuffed in his pockets again.  He caught up to Finn in the line to the refreshment point.  They were silent for a long while.  Up ahead the man selling drinks told everyone he’d run out and he was waiting on a refill.  Finn watched everyone moving forward to the next refreshment point a bit up the road and walked up the vendor.

“How long?”

“Five minutes.”  He replied.  Finn looked up at the line of people heading up to the other stalls. 

“Better off waiting.”  He told Phil who nodded in agreement. 

“Busy day.”  The vendor grinned.  Finn and Phillip nodded politely in response before the vendor turned to start cleaning his stall.  They waited in silence for a few minutes, Phillip becoming more antsy as the time passed.  Finn was just about to tell him to spit it out when Philip spoke in an oddly measured tone.

“Did you do it deliberately?”  Finn furrowed his brows at Phillips question.

“Do what deliberately?”  He asked with a mocking, disinterested tone.

“Did you fuck… her…” Phil didn’t want to say Rae’s name in this sentence, “outside deliberately so I’d hear her calling out your name?”  Phillip didn’t look at Finn.  He kept his eyes forward, his jaw squared angrily.  Finn looked at the side of his face and chucked derisively. 

“You really think I’m thinking about you in any way when I’m fucking that magnificent woman?”  Finn laughed, “I wanted to wake up the whole street, and I knew I could make her scream loud enough to do it.”  He allowed a bragging tone to creep into his voice and watched Phil’s nostrils flare slightly, “The fact that you heard it too and that it upset you so much Philly, is just cream and icing on the cake innit?”  Phil turned his face to Finn, anger in his eyes.

“Stock’s here guys!”  The vendor said and Finn gave Phil a sadistic grin before turning to the vendor and starting to pick out drinks for everyone.  When the time came for paying Phillip pulled out his wallet and opened it up in clear sight of Finn, pulling out a £50 note from at least a dozen of them in his wallet.  He allowed a slight smile to play with the corners of his mouth.  His wealth was not usually something he bragged about, or even cared about, but right now he’d take what he could get.

“Have you even seen that much money before ickle Finny?”  He asked with a curious tone that dripped with condescension and mockery. 

“Nah, cos I don’t take all me daddy’s money.”  Finn replied and gathered up the drinks in his arms.

“Not me dad’s money.”  Phillip said and pocketed his wallet. 

“Oh right, so you got a job?”  Finn asked with a derisive laugh.

“No I got a trust fund.”  Phil replied and saw the tightening of Finn’s mouth before he managed to put the mocking smile back on his face.

“Still your daddy’s money innit?”  Finn shrugged as if to say he was unimpressed.  But Phillip saw the envy behind his eyes and felt a deep satisfaction. 

“Not according to the bank.”  Phillip answered smugly and Finn nodded.

“You did nothing to earn that money.”  Finn shot back.

“Does the unfairness of it burn you?”  Phillip didn’t even try to counter Finn’s argument; he agreed with him. 

“Not as much as the fact that I got Rae burns you.”  Finn said and surged forward to greet his mates with their drinks.  Phillip handed out the drinks he had and sat down quietly, disappointed with himself for playing the wealth card, but even more disappointed that Finn had had an answer to it. 

“So what’s the plan for tonight?”  Chop asked them all.

“Drinking o course!”  Kelsey laughed, “You lot should come over, got a party planned, and a bunch o’ good friends coming, you’ll know some o’ them Arnie.”  She told Chop before she turned her eyes to her brother, “Andrea’s coming too.”  She said with a sly grin and Phillip lowered his eyes.

“Which one’s Andrea?”  He asked softly, hoping the others hadn’t heard it but Chloe instantly jeered happily.

“Phil’s getting pussy!”  She said loudly, Finn narrowed his eyes as he took this in and then started to laugh as he saw Phillip’s eyes shoot to Rae.  But Rae was looking at Chloe, laughing, as Chloe kept teasing.  “And he’s not even gentleman enough to know their fucking names!”  She laughed.

“I’m shocked Phillip!”  Rae added with fake shock and tutted, Chloe joining in. 

“Alright.”  Phil said softly, “I been right drunk a lot lately, and I don’t remember her friend’s names… nothing quite so interesting.”  He laughed awkwardly. 

“What fucker denies getting laid?”  Chop shook his head, “You’re an embarrassment to men everywhere.”  He was laughing but Kelsey shook her head; there was only so much she could do for her brother, if he wasn’t willing to take the bait, she couldn’t help him.  But she tried one last time.

“Andrea, you know, the one you made cum loud enough to fucking wake me up.”  Phillip crimsoned and Chop patted him on the back hard.

“And you don’t know her name!”  Chloe laughed, “You fucking dog!” 

“That’s fucked up, Philly boy.”  Finn laughed at him, deliberately calling him a boy. 

“Dog’s better than being a puppy.”  Kelsey said and they all laughed. 

“Like you, little puppy.”  Phil replied to Finn. 

“Who you calling puppy?”  Finn shot back, “I’m a straight up wolf.”  The gang laughed, deliberately ignoring the tension between Finn and Phil, but Rae gave Finn a look and whispered something to him that made him grin saucily.  Phillip watched them talk softly to each other in between short, but heated kisses, as everyone else laughed and kept running with the dog jokes. 

“No but really fuckers!”  Chop finally stopped them laughing, “What are we doing tonight?” 

“I wanna go to a wild nightclub!”  Izzy said firmly and Rae and Finn shared a grin, Rae turning to her eyes to Rhys.

“I’m guessing not as wild as some of the night clubs I know.”  Rhys said softly, but everyone heard him.  Finn had to lower his face so no one would see him grinning and Rae just barely managed to stop herself from blushing. 

“Do tell!”  Archie grinned and Tom cleared his throat and lowered his eyes.  “Oh, what are you hiding?”  Archie asked with a laugh.

“Might have met Rhys at one of those wild clubs.”  Tom said with a small tight smile.  Rae tried to stop her mouth from dropping and turned to look at Finn, who also understood what Tom was saying; Tom had met Rhys at a live sex show. 

“I thought you guys met at the boxing joint?”  Chop asked.

“No we…” Tom pulled his ear uncomfortably.  “Met at a club…” Archie caught the look Tom gave Rhys, and he started to chuckle. 

“What?”  Tom asked, worried.

“I’m not fucking stupid.”  Archie laughed, “You guys fucked right?”  He motioned to Tom then Rhys. 

“Yeah.”  Tom said slowly, apologetically.  “Years after we met.”

“I don’t care.”  Archie shrugged, “I’d fuck him too if I could.”  Tom laughed surprised and relieved.  Finn was struck by how well his best mate handled things like that and felt a pang in his stomach for his own failings.  He pushed it aside; he was getting better every day with that kind of stuff.  Archie gave Chloe a look and she shrugged nonchalantly; everyone was alright here.

“But that particular club is by invitation only.”  Rhys said, ending conversation about it, “It is a closed community.”  Rae and Finn exchanged a glance, both thankful that Rhys had invited them.

“So one of your other wild clubs?”  Izzy asked hopefully.  Rhys considered this for a moment.

“Bagleys is having a metal and industrial foam and jelly night.”  Rhys said slowly.

“The fuck is that?”  Chop asked what everyone was thinking.

“A lot of fun.”  Tom answered.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Chaos B.C.’ by Sepultura _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiNado-a60U&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiNado-a60U&feature=kp)

 

It turned out that a metal and industrial foam and jelly night was also quite messy.  Metal and industrial indicated the type of music that would be mixed in with a driving dance beat.  Foam and jelly indicated the surroundings.  Jelly wrestling and foam machines spurting out foam over the crowd. 

When they walked up to the warehouse in Kings Cross, They had all been surprised that a nightclub ran out of this location.  The music was so infectious that they started dancing while waiting in line to get in.  Rhys and Chloe dawdled and ended up rocking up a few minutes later than the rest of them.  Seeing them all waiting in line Rhys had laughed and pulled them out of line, going to the front, he was let in immediately, the bouncer blowing Rhys a kiss and he winked back before heading deeper into the club with the gang in tow.  Inside were six huge rooms of people dancing, music thumping through the air, Rae’s hair already wet from foam, her skin slippery with it.  When they had carved out some dance floor space for themselves Finn put his hand on Rae’s waist, already wet with foam, her shirt clinging to her, his white singlet clinging to him, their hands slipping over each other’s bodies as they danced.  Finn and Rae had hardly noticed the jelly wrestling rink to the left, as intensely interested in each other as they were.  But Izzy’s eyes opened up in surprise as she saw two women ripping each other’s clothes off as they wrestled.  Chop’s eyes lingered for a moment before he noticed how Izzy’s dress was clinging to her.  He pulled her into his arms and they started to dance.

“Who’s getting the first round?”  Archie asked over the music and Tom raised his hand, Chloe and Rhys went to the bar with them to get the drinks.  Izzy saw them go and pulled on Rae’s arm; the girls had decided to try to not let the gang get split up at these sorts of things.  Rae looked over and nodded, both girls pulling frustrated men behind them to the bar.  When they got there Chloe threw her arms around Izzy and Rae’s shoulders, laughing she nodded towards the far wall where they saw a woman bent over, a man fucking her from behind, she was sucking another guy’s cock.  Izzy’s jaw dropped in shock and then she started to giggle uncontrollably. 

“Ah a good old fashioned spit roast.”  Rae said and Chloe laughed.

“He’s even doing it in time to the music.”  Chloe pointed out and Izzy dropped her head to the side, her giggling momentarily stopped as she watched him thrust in time to the music.

“Oh my god!”  She exclaimed loudly and started to giggle again.

“What’s going on baby girl?”  Chop asked, the crowd round the bar jostling them, Rhys’s huge size a real advantage here; no one was jostling him out of line.  Chop saw the three girls looking in one place.  Izzy stunned, Chloe intrigued and Rae looking like she’d seen better.  He turned to look and froze, his jaw dropping.

“Fucking hell!”  He started to laugh and nudged Finn’s arm to let his mate see the gloriousness that was people fucking in public.  Finn turned around.

“Oh right.”  He said and nodded.  “Good old fashioned spit roast, I see.”  Chloe looked over, noticing the same language and attitude from Rae and Finn. 

“Alright you two,” She said, “Why aren’t you as fascinated by public fucking in public as the rest of us?”  She asked and Finn shrugged, unsure how to answer.

“Done it too many times.”  Rae answered but motioned for Chloe to look at Izzy.  She had taken a step forward and was obviously staring at the threesome.  Chloe chuckled at Izzy’s intense interest and Chop started to notice it too, his brows furrowing. 

“I’d get her onto watching ‘Penelope’ mate.”  Finn said, leaning into Chop so Izzy wouldn’t hear.  Chop looked at Finn with a big dirty grin, before wrapping an arm around Izzy’s waist, she looked up at him embarrassed and he nodded for her to keep watching.  They had agreed to stay sober tonight for the V festival tomorrow, so Tom passed back water and coke and lemonade when he finally had all the drinks.  Izzy watched the one man cum in the woman’s mouth and she spat it out on the floor as he zipped up his pants and went back to dancing without another look at the woman.  Izzy frowned and turned back to Chop.

“Shall we watch some jelly wrestling?”  Archie asked with a grin and they all agreed to head that way, following Rhys as he parted the crowds.  People stood around a pool of jelly, dancing and watching two men wrestling now, already in their underwear.  Rae and Finn again became enamoured with each other, when he grinned at the foam clinging to her hair and looked down at her breasts, her thin shirt clinging to their roundness perfectly.  Rae enjoyed the way Finn’s wet singlet glowed in the black lights, but she enjoyed how the see-through material clung to his torso even more.  Izzy and Chop had started making out, bouncing in time to the music.  Rhys and Chloe danced, Chloe enjoying how Rhys picked out the rhythm in the music perfectly, watching him dance was like being at Brazil’s carnivale; he knew how to move and he revelled in the music.  She felt herself loosening up, her hair flailing everywhere as she danced wildly.  There was a sense of foreplay to the way Chloe and Rhys danced, hardly touching, their eyes locked on each other’s eyes, their bodies finding the perfect synchronised rhythms, their hips moving in unison.  Tom and Archie bounced along to the music, their arms around each other, laughing in spite of what had happened today. 

An hour later, after their second drink run, they found themselves dancing in a big circle, their arms around each other, bouncing and yelling to the music, foam covering them.  An announcement came over the sound system.

“Whoever can beat Bagleys house jelly wrestler ‘big D’ can have free drinks for you and ten of your mates for the next month!”  People cheered and the gang were surged forward as large parts of the crowd headed to the jelly wrestling rink. 

“Big D.”  Archie said to Tom who smirked in reply.  Chloe and Rae had had the same thought and laughed smuttily as they all turned to watched the matches. 

As it happened, Big D was a man named Daryl who was quite simply huge.  He wore white speedos, nothing else, and entered the rink, dwarfing everyone else in comparison.  Except for Rhys.  Nonetheless, many men, and a few women, tried their luck with Big D.  They found themselves cheering on anyone who was against him, because he was impossible to beat.  But each opponent was pinned, the audience chanting ‘1, 2, 3’ for each one slowly almost reluctantly. 

After 60 minutes of wrestling and dozens of different unsuccessful challengers a fifteen minute drink break was called.  Big D was brought water and he scanned the audience, his eyes lingering on Rhys.  He walked over.

“Why have you not challenged?”  He asked looking Rhys up and down.  “I could use a real fight.” 

“Then you do not want me to challenge.”  Rhys answered. 

“Big fella like you can’t be that much of pushover.”  He replied, his eyes twinkling mischievously. 

“I’m not.”  Rhys answered.  “But you are.”  If anyone else had said this, it would sound cocky, arrogant, as if he were bragging.  But from Rhys it was as simple statement, “I could beat you in under 60 seconds.”  Big D laughed heartily.

“I doubt that.”  He said and Rhys grinned at him.  “If you think you could beat me, why haven’t you challenged?”

“That would ruin everyone’s entertainment for the night.”  Rhys replied.  The gang were getting very interested in this discussion and they crowded around Rhys supportively. 

“I’d just keep wrestling after you.”

“No you wouldn’t.”  Rhys replied simply and Big D furrowed his brows. 

“How do you think you’ll be beating me that would possibly incapacitate me?”  He asked incredulously.  Rhys and he were of comparable size; there was no strength advantage here. 

“There are several bones I could break that would put you down, some permanently.”  Finn started to chuckle, this was Rhys bragging, even though the tone was completely factual. 

“It’s cheating to deliberately break a bone.”  Big D replied with a grin and Rhys shrugged.

“It’d be an accident.”  Rhys’s voice was so deadpan that Big D paused, almost afraid, before his ego got the better of him. 

“Without cheating what else have you got?”  He asked.

“More than you.”  Rhys’s voice was calm and factual, while Big D’s was filled with bravado and bragger. 

“Care to make a wager on that?”

“And ruin the entertainment?”  Rhys asked seriously.

“Oh I’m sure you can make it for five minutes before I put you down.”  Big D mocked and Rhys grinned in reply, turning his head to Finn.

“Got a watch?”  Rhys asked Finn and he nodded in reply. 

“Gonna bet?”  Big D asked.

“What’s the bet?”  Rhys asked and crossed his arms across his chest.  It made him look closed off, concerned even and Big D grinned triumphantly. 

“If I win, I get to fuck you.”  Rhys raised his eyebrows and Chloe scoffed beside him.

“And if I win, the offer for free drinks for my friends and I will be for a full year.”  Rhys countered immediately. 

“That’s an expensive loss.”  Big D balked.

“Fucking me is worth more than how much it will cost you to keep us inebriated for a year.”  Rhys replied, “And besides,” He grinned, “You’re Big D… you won’t lose.” 

“I get to do whatever I want to you for a whole night.”  Big D stated.

“I have somewhere to be tomorrow, but sure.”  Rhys answered reassuringly.  Chloe laughed nervously and Chop put an arm over her shoulders protectively. 

“I knew you was queer, like me, the minute I saw you.”  Big D grinned and looked at him lustily.

“It’s true.”  Rhys answered, “I am queer.”  Big D nodded happily, knowing he was gonna win this thing now. 

“You’re on.”  Big D held out his hand and Rhys shook it.  “I’ll go clear it with management.”  He walked off and Chop started to laugh loudly.

“This splendid cunt just got us free drinks for the next year!”  Chop told them.  Chloe tried to laugh but felt a little queasy.  Finn had his game face on, ready to back up Rhys.

“You can’t know that Chop!”  Izzy said, “Big D is huge!”

“He’s also a big D.”  Rae added, “I bet he’s gonna cheat.”  Rhys started to dance slightly to the music, his eyes on the jelly wrestling rink.  He turned them to Chloe.

“Can I kiss you before I begin?”  He asked her and she nodded slowly. 

“You gotta win this thing, you’re supposed to be having sex with me tonight.”  She told him and he nodded.

“Duly noted Ms Chloe.”  He replied and she smiled, reassured. 

Big D returned with a triumphant grin.

“Management agreed, but you gotta beat me in less than 3 minutes for your reward to be paid.”  He said. 

“What about a timeframe for how long you’ve got to beat him?”  Izzy asked outraged.

“There isn’t one.”  Big D answered and Izzy frowned with disgust, “Do you accept the terms or not?”  Big D asked Rhys.  But Rhys turned back to Finn.

“3 minutes.  1 Minute intervals.”  Rhys told Finn and he nodded.  “Yes.”  Rhys told Big D with a huge grin. 

“The announcement will be made shortly.”  He walked away without looking back.

“I knew that fucker would cheat.”  Rae said.  “He can take 10 minutes to beat you and still get to have his bet.”  Rhys looked over at Rae.

“I need only 60 seconds.”  He told her, “But I will give the audience some entertainment before they lose Big D for the night.” 

“The next challenger must beat Big D in under three minutes!”  The announcement came, “Or else they won’t get their free drinks!”  The audience jeered and hissed.  Rae looked back over the audience, a few rows back the rest of the room was still dancing.  Rhys stripped his shirt off and handed it to Tom, the boys crowded around Tom, looking after Rhys’s clothes.  Next his shoes and last his pants.  Chloe sighed as she looked at Rhys’s near naked body, and when the three girls put their heads together, Rae and Izzy had to admit that the view was not bad at all.  Rhys wore white underwear, and the bulge was already impressive, Izzy pointed it out to Rae and Chloe nodded with a satisfied grin.  They started to giggle, taking Chloe’s mind off the possibility that Rhys might lose.  Big D entered the rink and Rhys turned to Chloe and kissed her passionately, lifting her up with one arm.  He put her down and gave her a lusty look as she looked at him breathlessly.

“Hurt him.”  She told him and Rhys stroked her face softly before turning to see Big D watching him with a shocked face; Big D had thought Rhys was gay. 

The audience cheered loudly when Rhys squared up and drew himself to his full height.  He was just taller than Big D, and wearing almost the same clothing as Big D, but it showed Rhys’s body to be hard with muscle, while Big D was somewhat muscled, but also clearly less hard than Rhys.  Big D looked him up and down. 

“I’m still gonna fuck you, you queer-baiter.”  Big D told him as they started to circle each other.  Rhys merely grinned in reply.  Big D tackled Rhys to the ground and they started to grapple in the jelly, liquid and green jelly coating their bodies.

“Oh my.”  Izzy said softly and Chloe nudged her in the ribs.  The girls started giggling, but Rae noticed Finn had his eye on his watch as well as on the match.  Big D got Rhys on his back and ran a hand down his body, groping Rhys’s dick through his pants.

“Hey!”  Chloe yelled out angrily.  But Rhys grabbed his hand and wrapped his legs around Big D’s arm, spinning around so that Big D face was forced into Rhys arse, Rhys pulled at the arm and twisted it till Big D cried out in pain. 

“One Minute!”  Finn yelled out loudly and held up one finger.  Rhys nodded at Finn and looked up at Chloe, he took a moment to smile lovingly at her and then indicated that he was doing this for her as he twisted Big D arm a little more, eliciting another scream from him.  Chloe grinned and blew him a kiss. 

“Fucking hell.”  Rae shook her head as Rhys let Big D out of the hold and stood up, his underpants see through, his body dripping with jelly, a predatory grin on his face as he watched Big D get up shaking his arm.  “Alright yes Chloe, he’s a looker!”  Chloe laughed and flung an arm around Rae’s neck.

“I think I love him.”  She said and shook her head, “fuck girls…”  She sighed, “I think I’m falling in love with him!” 

“Well he just nearly broke a man’s arm for you, so that’s nice.”  Izzy replied with a big grin.  In the ring Big D had tried to throw a punch at Rhys.

“Cheater!”  Chop yelled at the top of his lungs.  But Rhys had easily defected the punch by grabbing his fist and twisting his arm, simultaneously sweeping his feet out from under him, Rhys went down with him deliberately, allowing Big D to continue grappling him, the audience going crazy screaming at him to beat him.  Rhys once again let himself end up on his back, Big D trying to pin him, putting all of his weight on him, but Rhys was quite lithe for his size and he wrapped his legs around Big D’s waist and twisted his body round, slamming Big D into the jelly.

“This is ridiculously homo-erotic.”  Archie said and Tom nodded, the three girls looking over at them momentarily before they all broke out in laughter, Chop and Finn sharing an unimpressed look before Finn focussed on his timing duties.  Rhys squeezed his thighs around Big D’s midsection making it even harder for him to take a breath as he scrambled to get his face out of the jelly. 

“2 minutes!”  Finn screamed out and held up 2 fingers until Rhys looked up and saw them.  Rhys nodded calmly, and once again released Big D from his hold and stood up, not even panting.  Big D took longer to get up, his body heaving with difficulty. 

“He might have snapped a rib.”  Chop commented to Finn and Finn nodded sagely.  Rhys waited for him to up and to raise his fists as if he were a boxer.

“30 seconds!”  Finn yelled loudly.  The audience, also using Finn’s timing as well, started to go nuts.  Rhys feinted to go left and Big D punched out that way, Rhys using his arm to pull Big D into his arms, his back against his chest.  Rhys wrapped his arm around Big D neck and pulled it tight with his other arm.  His eyes found Chloe’s and he smiled at her.  Chloe grinned in return as after just a few seconds Big D went limp and Rhys let him drop to the floor completely unconscious.  Rhys used his foot to turn him over and he stood there, one foot on his chest as the audience cheered through the ‘1, 2, 3’ count loudly.  The three minute timer went off 4 seconds later and the audience screamed happily, bouncing up and down as Rhys nodded humbly, the outline of his cock visible through his wet pants, his naked body dripping deliciously his muscles rippling with the exertion of the fight, one pectoral tensing momentarily as he turned and nodded to the other side of the audience. 

“That’s my boyfriend.”  Chloe said happily as he turned and smiled at her.  Rae had to admit Rhys certainly was attractive, but she looked over at Finn cheering and nothing beat that face, nor his body, not for her.  She looked back and saw Izzy grinning at Chop, who was chanting.

“Free drinks for a year!  Free drinks for a year!”  Rae took a moment to really appreciate how good it was that all of her friends were finally happy.  Rhys walked over to the edge of the rink and the minute he was close enough Chloe leapt up into his arms, unworried about the sticky jelly all over him. His quick reflexes saved her again and he caught her and she kissed his lips passionately.  The bartender came over with a towel for Rhys and a notepad to take down their names for the bet Rhys had just easily won: Big D was still lying unconscious. 

“Is he gonna be alright?  The bartender asked and Rhys nodded.

“I only cut off blood supply to his brain for a few seconds.”

“So that wasn’t air you cut off?”  The bartender looked confused.

“No that’s not permitted in wrestling.”  He answered, “And it also takes longer to knock ‘em out like that.”  The bartender got their names and sauntered over to Big D to check on him. 

“Rhys you been keeping your best moves back!”  Rae said as he dried off his legs and put his jeans back on over his sticky underpants with a mild look of disgust. 

“You can kill someone doing that.”  Rhys answered in his usual deadpan manner.

“Oh.”  Rae answered in surprise and nodded as if this was nothing, “of course.”  Audience members kept coming over to Rhys to pat his back and congratulate him. 

“Free drinks for a year!”  Chop cheered.

“Pity we don’t live in London.”  Archie said and they all looked at him.

“Well you know what that means laddy?”  Chop asked and Archie shook his head, “We gotta get smashed tonight!” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Downtown’ by Neil Young _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo-4viCN_w4&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo-4viCN_w4&feature=kp)

 

The sky was just starting to blush with the first hues of dawn when they stumbled from the nightclub laughing and hugging each other.  Rhys had made them have a glass of water between each alcoholic beverage, so they weren’t as rolling drunk as they normally would have been, but it also meant that they wouldn’t have a hangover.  All around them people were blinking at the outside world and stumbling around.  Finn pushed away some drunk guy who stumbled into Rae and he vomited on the floor, Rae and Finn giving him a wide birth as he started to straighten up.  Out here people were fucking as well, and Chop had seen so much fucking inside the club he barely even registered the action.  Izzy however cheered on every couple she saw loudly, her drunken voice slurring almost majestically.  They stumbled on to King’s Cross Station and caught the 5:34 am train back to Knightsbridge. 

 

 

Rae and Finn stumbled up the stairs to their room and at 6am collapsed in bed, only to be woken four hours later by Tom and Archie; they had to get going to the V Festival.  A hurried shower and breakfast later and they were out the door, on the train, heading to Chelmsford.  It was a 90 minute train ride and Finn had it in mind to snooze for the whole thing.  But everyone was too excited; it was the girl’s first big music festival experience and they were running on a high, that made the more experienced boys grumble tiredly, Tom and Rhys ignoring that dynamic and instead reminiscing about various London clubs they’d been to. 

“D’you know who I wish were here?”  Izzy suddenly asked.  “Danny!”  She answered her own question.

“Yeah but with his parents and his girlfriend, his time outside of work is very filled up I reckon.”  Chop said widely.

“Danny’s got a girlfriend?”  Rae asked amazed. 

“What he didn’t tell you?”  Chop was as surprised as Rae, “Don’t you guys talk on the phone a lot?”

“A couple o’ times a week.” Rae said her eyes slightly downcast, “What’s she like?  What’s her name?”  She asked curiously.

“Well I haven’t met her but she drew him a real nice picture of a duck.”  Chop reported.

“He likes ducks.”  Rae said thoughtfully.

“It’s nice that she knows him so well.”  Chloe agreed.

“Her name’s Tix.”  Chop said, “And he seems to be real-” Chop saw Rae’s face and stopped mid-sentence.  “What?”

“Are you sure he said Tix?”  Rae asked, not wanting to believe it.

“Yeah.”  Chop said simply, “What is it?”

“And he said they’re going out?”

“Well... not exactly in those words.”  Chop said, “He said he sees her every night though so…” He stopped again when He saw Finn sit up and turn to Rae, her hands going up to her face.

“Oh no.”  She groaned miserably. 

“Are you gonna fucking tell me what’s wrong?”  Chop asked loudly.

“Tix is dead.”  Rae said softly and Finn wrapped his arm around her waist. 

“You what?”  Chop said confused.

“She died a few days after me mum’s wedding.” 

“Poor Danny.”  Izzy whispered. 

“He must mean that he’s dreaming about her, right?”  Chloe tried to smooth away Rae’s fears. 

“I hope so.”  Rae answered.

“O’ course that’s what it means!”  Chop said dismissing Rae’s concerns.  “And it just means ol’ Choppy Chop needs to play wingman for me mate.”  He grinned happily, “I’m gonna find Danny a girl!”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘She Bangs the Drums’ by The Stone Roses _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcpbGeyPUD8&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcpbGeyPUD8&feature=kp)

 

“Righto kiddies.”  Chop asked as they waited in line, “What’s the fucking plan?”

“I got the V stage details!”  Rae looked down at her notes, “starts with Linoleum, and then, going in order, we’ve got Echobelly, The Supernaturals, Apollo 440, Teenage Fanclub, Fluke, Pavement, Placebo, Reef, Foo Fighters, Dodgy, Beck, Kula Shaker, The Prodigy and Blur.”  She turned to Izzy.

“I got the NME stage details,” she grinned.  “Radish’ I don’t know them.  The driven; I’ve heard good things about them.  Stereophonics; I like them.  AC Acoustics; don’t know much about them.”

“Izzy babe, maybe we don’t need to know what you think about every single band?”  Chloe asked and Izzy scrunched up her nose. 

“I s’pose.”  She said slowly, still slightly drunk, “Hurricane number one, Embrace, Veruca Salt,” She looked up pointedly at Chloe and continued, “Silver Sun, Geneva, Symposium, Echo & The Bunnymen, Monaco, Longpigs, The Divine Comedy, Gene, Mansun, The Bluetones, Ash.”  Izzy finished.

“I got the Virgin High Energy Tent.”  Chloe said in a fast, professional voice, “Trademark, Carl Cox, Bentley Rhythm Ace, Finley Quaye, Olive, Jimi Tenor, Lionrock, GusGus, Sneaker Pimps, Death in Vegas, Propellerheads, Dreadzone, Daft Punk, and then The Chemical Brothers.” 

A long and protracted argument over who to see and the logistics ensued until everyone remembered that half of the bands would be playing tomorrow and the other half today.  They went through all the notes and sorted it out again; the location map was poured over, estimated times to get from one stage to the next planned, a meeting spot decided in case they lost each other.  In the end it was easy to plan it all out, although in a few instances they’d have to split up to see different bands. 

The crowds, people dressed in costumes, goth kids, police officers, grunge kids, ravers… the smells of food, smoke and pot, people chatting, laughing, squealing… stalls, carnival rides and the ticket collectors between them and the festival.  It felt like summer.  There was no other way to describe it; the heat, the energy and excitement in the air… it was summer.  By the time they cleared the gates they could hear sound checks being performed.  They had all decided that Linoleum was the first band to see so they headed towards the V stage.

“Chop!”  They heard someone calling over the crowd, and they saw Benji, and three of his mates ambling towards them.  Chop and Benji bumped chests and Finn and Benji slapped their hands together in a handshake, Archie and Benji also bumped chests before Benji hugged the girls and introduce his mates to them; the lads already all knew each other. 

“Frankish, Simmo, and Prude.”  He said and Rae raised her eyebrows.

“Frank, Simon and…?”  She asked.

“Peter.”  He laughed and checked Rae out slightly.  “Rae?”

“Rachel.”  Rae responded as Benji started handing out joints.

“How d’you get them past the cops.”  Chop asked impressed and Benji turned and nodded to a cop on the other side of the gates.

“Me cousin, Brian.”  He grinned and turned back to them, lighting the joint, “He’s baked more than me!”  He laughed.

“He’s baked right now.”  Peter agreed and smoked his joint, lighting Rae’s for her. 

“Ta muchly.”  She said and took a drag, holding it she turned to Finn and put her lips on his for her exhale, he took it in and they kissed while he held the smoke in his lungs, letting it out slowly as they kept kissing.  Peter raised his eyebrows and nodded in defeat; it had only been a passing fancy anyway, so he wasn’t much put out. 

“Right cunts, where too?”  Benji asked and then paused everyone looking at him, “Fuck, can’t say cunt in front o’ girls.”  He looked horror struck and Rae and Chloe both rolled their eyes and Izzy scoffed.

“Speak for yourself, cunt!”  Izzy said loudly.  Chop laughed and wrapped an arm over her shoulders.

“I’m a bad influence on you aren’t I, baby girl?”  She shrugged and grinned happily as the newcomer lads all made shocked noises and started laughing. 

“For fuck’s sake.”  Rae shook her head at them. 

“Didn’t you know girls are delicate little flowers Rae?”  Chloe laughed, “Can’t handle our cunts.”  For the entire walk over to the V Stage the three girls said the word cunt so many times that the new boys were starting to feel uncomfortable. 

As soon as they got close to the stage they started to thread through the audience.  It was the girl’s first moshpit and the boys were acutely aware of this and hung back behind them to stop any surge from behind flattening them.  The audience pressed in together tightly, everyone moving to the song; Linoleum were playing ‘Dissent’ and the slower part of the song made everyone stand around and bop their heads.  Rae and Chloe cheered loudly but Izzy felt sightly terrified because everyone towered over her.  And then the music got harder and everyone started to jump up and down in unison, in time to the music.  Rae and Chloe were caught up in the euphoria and jumped along, but Izzy was getting crushed, despite all of chop’s efforts to protect her, so he turned to Rhys.

“Help get Izzy on me shoulders!”  He yelled over the music and Rhys nodded in reply and tapped Izzy on the shoulder, indicating that he was going to lift her before he did.  In no time at all Izzy was cheering and screaming on Chop’s shoulders.  Rhys considered offering the same to Chloe, but he saw Chloe and Rae, clasping hands and jumping and singing together and instead, with Finn, kept the crowd back, and moshed right along with them. 

Forty minutes later, happy and sweating in the summer heat they headed towards the food stalls to get some lunch and sit at the back of the crowd at the NME stage and listen to Stereophonics.  Tom and Rhys grumbled together about the cost and quality of festival food while Chop told the newcomer lads all about Bagleys last night and Archie and Finn yawned and poured over the line up again, Rae arguing with them loudly when they started to debate some of the choices they’d previously made for who to see. 

Eventually they all wandered over to a nice patch of grass to laze about on as they listened to the tunes from the NME stage.  Izzy was the most excited by Stereophonics and she stood while she ate, swaying absent-mindedly to the music while Rae, Finn and Archie continued to debate over who to see after a long, lazy lunch; Pavement or Veruca Salt.  Chop had them pacing their drinks because of the heat and no one was arguing, plus they’d adopted Rhys’s technique of having a water in between each alcoholic drink; it really had helped.  But Benji, Frankish, Simmo and Prude were drinking fairly steadily and were getting hilariously rowdy, but their numbers were diminished to three when Prude picked up a pair of girls and Rae understood why he was called Prude; he was he complete opposite of a prude. 

“I’m outta water.”  Finn turned to the rest of the gang, “Drinks?”  He got orders from everyone and intended to bring back a bottle of water for all eight of them too; the other lads were well beyond wanting water.  Rhys and Tom came with him to help, but Finn’s absence did not stop the debate over who to see next, even Chloe started to get involved when Archie said that Veruca Salt were one-hit-wonders; Chloe was getting quite partial to girl rock and would have none of it. 

Benji watched Prude getting some from two girls and felt the urge to have a festival fling; they were always quality fun.  He spotted a lass with nice big knockers, just what he liked most, sitting with a bunch of lads a few metres away.  She looked like a challenge, and Benji was too drunk for a challenge, therefore, it was better to go for a girl he already knew.  That left Izzy, Chloe and Rae.  Now Rae - there was a set of knockers he could enjoy.  Benji looked at Rae lustily but remembered she was with his lad Finn.  His eyes went to Izzy, but Chop had his arms around her as they danced to the music.  He watched Finn, Tom and Rhys returning with drinks and turned his eyes back to the only other girl with them.  Chloe.  She was quite a hottie.  Without a second thought Benji pulled her into his arms and planted his mouth upon hers passionately.  Finn’s eye widened as he saw it and he immediately looked up to Rhys, his eyes taking in the scene. 

“Oh shit.”  Finn breathed, knowing there was no way he could hold Rhys back.  But Rhys watched with calm eyes, his mouth pulled into a tight line for a moment and he took a deep breath.  Finn was confused by his lack of reaction and furrowed his brows.

“Doesn’t that bother you?”  He asked and Tom shot him a dirty look.

“You trying to provoke him?”  Tom asked Finn and shook his head.

“It’s fine.”  Rhys told Tom, “I’m not bothered.”

“But she’s your girl.”  Finn’s voice betrayed his complete disbelief at Rhys’s response.

“Chloe is her own woman.  She will do as she pleases.  I do not own her.”  Rhys answered and then turned with a slight grin to Finn, “But if it turns out she doesn’t want to be kissing him, then I’ll happily hurt him.”  Benji pulled out of the kiss and grinned triumphantly.

“You are one hot bird Chlo.”

“Uh… thanks.”  Chloe said, “Benji… I like you… but could you not do that again?”  She said with a small grin, trying to be polite.  Finn, Tom and Rhys saw them talking, but couldn’t hear the words from how far away they still were.

“What’s that girl?”  He asked with a grin.

“Don’t kiss me again.”  Chloe said firmer.  But Benji was drunk and stoned and the music was loud and he didn’t hear her properly.  He just heard ‘kiss me’ and went in for the kill.  Chloe shoved him back and punched him hard in the mouth.  He stumbled back drunkenly and fell on his arse, the gang watching with shocked eyes, Rae and Archie on their feet in an instant, Izzy’s hands over her mouth.  Chloe smiled triumphantly and turned her eyes to find Rhys, glad he was there and had seen it, even if it was from a distance.

“Check that shit out!”  She said happily to him, even though he was too far away to hear her.  Chop went over to Benji and helped him up.  He was being friendly, but his stance was semi-defensive, ready to hit Benji if it was needed. 

“Serves you right.”  Chop told him, “Now go find a girl who wants to kiss you.”

“I thought…” Benji mumbled.  “Sorry Chlo… I didn’t hear…” He pointed to the stage and Chloe nodded stiffly to indicate she accepted his apology.  Chop steered Benji in the direction of a group of girls that had been looking over at them and shook his head as Benji stumbled toward them happily.

“You must feel something.”  Finn persisted as they continued towards the gang.

“I do.”  Rhys admitted, “I feel glad that Chloe so powerfully asserted herself.” 

“Well fuck.”  Finn mused, “You’re a better man than me.”  Rhys stopped walking and turned to him. 

“I came to where I am through years of pain and struggle.  Since I was a child when my mother died, I have had my humanity and dignity stripped from me.  Being so continuously dehumanised… this has taught me, brutally, to never do that to another human being.  Not even for a second.”  Rhys told him, “You are on a different journey than I am.  Don’t ever think that you’re a lesser man because we are at different places.”  Rhys said it with such conviction that Finn nodded slowly, believing him, “It’s not a linear timeline, no one is further ahead or further behind, we are all simply where we are in our own journey.”  Rhys continued, “In the future we will be different, and perhaps you will be telling me what your journey has taught you.”  Tom gave Finn a grim smile as Rhys continued back towards the gang.

“I asked him about his past once.”  Tom said, “It’s some fucked up shit.”  Tom continued on and Finn watched Rhys’s back curiously for a moment before he followed.  Rhys tossed the bottles of water he had for everyone to each person, and as soon as his hands were empty Chloe had inserted herself into his arms and was kissing him happily. 

“Did you see?”  She was asking excitedly, Finn watched in disbelief as Rhys listened to Chloe’s blow by blow description of her punch as he handed out drinks. 

“Your form was almost flawless.”  Rhys said and Chloe stopped mid thought.  The whole gang turning in surprise. 

“High praise indeed!”  Chop shook his head, “I’ve never gotten an ‘almost flawless.’”  His face scrunched up with envy.

“You’ve never been almost flawless.”  Finn laughed; he’d gotten an absolutely flawless several times from Rhys, so he was feeling fine. 

“Oi!”  Chop laughed and a play-fight between Chop and Finn broke out, Izzy and Rae having to move drinks out of the way of their feet as they wrestled each other to the ground. 

“Do you sometimes think our boys are gonna end up fucking?”  Izzy asked Rae as they watched them roll around on the grass.  Rae scrunched up her nose and cocked her head to the side. 

“Straight boys never understand how homo-erotic the shit they do is.”  Archie interjected as Tom sat down beside him. 

“I think they’re all just in denial.”  Tom laughed.  “They might not like boys ‘that’ way, but they certainly like boys this way.” He nodded to Finn and Chop wrestling and Rae and Izzy found themselves nodding thoughtfully. 

In the end the girls went to see Veruca Salt and the lads all went to see Pavement.  Rae probably would have preferred Pavement, but the three girls had promised each other to stick together at clubs and gigs like this; to look after each other.  And Chloe really wanted to see Veruca Salt, and Rae did like them… so the decision was easy really.  But three girls in a moshpit was not easy.  They clung to each other and jumped up and down laughing.  But part way through a giant hairy man with a sweaty back ended up pressing on from one side, Izzy and Chloe pulling tragic and disgusted faces and laughing hysterically as they were crushed into the barrier in front of the stage, surrounded by a happily moshing crowd.  The semi-naked man sweated on them and another man in leather pushed in from the other side, but the girls just kept laughing and moshing as the crowd jostled them left then right.

“It’s gonna be much worse in the moshpit for the bigger bands.”  Rae commented after Veruca Salt’s set finished and they headed for the meeting point; they were planning to spend a few hours dancing in the crowd at the Virgin High Energy Tent, then watch Blur, then catch the end of the Daft Punk set.  The boys however, where out to see as many bands as they could.  Rae had decided they’d just end up rushing around to see a few songs of each band and not really enjoy any one of the bands fully.  The girls were taking it slow.  They met up and had a drink and a chat about the sets they’d just seen and headed off to dance together for a bit.

By the time Blur started up the girls were in a mellow happy mood, having smoked more joints and had plenty of water.  The boys were happily exhausted, having gone hard all day.  The blur mosh was huge and the crowd lurched wildly, the girls again clinging together, but this time the boys were right there with them.  Izzy refused to go up on Chop’s shoulders; she was used to this now and she wormed them all forward to the barriers for the best views.  The pressure from behind felt every bit as though there were thousands of fans pushing forward to see their favourite band and Rae felt as if her ribs would break on the barrier, but she just couldn’t stop screaming and cheering and watching him… Damon Albarn… He was spectacularly good looking.  Rae might be dating the fittest lad in the known universe, but it didn’t change that Mr Albarn was a mighty fine piece of eye candy and Blur’s set was brilliant. 

Getting out of the crowd after the set ended to catch the end of Daft Punk was much harder than they had anticipated.  Most people were starting to head to either the camping grounds or home and the rush of bodies was immense.  Rae was holding Chloe’s hand in one hand and Finn’s in the other as they tried to weave through the crowd.  But it was a solid wall of bodies pressing in from every angle, jostling, pulling and pushing and Rhys’s size was not conferring any advantage for once.  Izzy got pulled away from them first, Chop trying to get through the crowd to her, and Rae felt herself being pushed forward by some people behind, her hand ripping from Chloe’s, but Finn’s firm grasp held on for longer before he too was jostled and she saw him pushing through the crowds to get back to her.  She shook her head at him and tried to raise her hands to point in the direction of the meeting point but they were pressed to her torso by the barrage of bodies around her.  Luckily he got the idea as she nodded in that direction and nodded back in reply.  Trying to fight against the crowd was nearly impossible, and Rae let herself be carried along for a bit, feeling panicked, but under control, taking every opening she could that headed towards the meeting point.  She looked back at roughly where she’d last seen Finn but he was nowhere to be seen.  Looking the other way she scanned the audience for Chloe but couldn’t see her, she couldn’t even see Rhys, whose height usually made him stand out.  She scanned the crowds for a face she recognised as she tried to fight her way out of there.  She could see hundreds of faces but no one she knew as her eyes passed over the scene around her.  And then she stopped.  A set of eyes in the crowd watching her. 

It felt like her stomach had fallen out and adrenaline rushed through her body.  Fear pumping in her ears.  She tried to swallow, but her mouth was dry.  She turned her eyes back to the place that she thought she’d seen… no.  No there was no one there watching her.

_He’s NOT coming back Rae!_

She told herself.  But she felt jumpy nonetheless and kept looking back to the place she thought she’d seen someone…

_Him_

Watching her from the audience. 

After another 10 minutes she managed to get herself to the meeting point, Rhys and Chloe were already there of course, eventually Rhys had simply stopped being polite and that moved the couple through the crowd with no further trouble.  Finn and Tom had also already made it, but Chop, Izzy and Archie were nowhere to be seen when Rae finally put her arms around Finn’s waist.  She felt much better seeing him, the panic at

_Seeing him_

How huge the crowds had been settled down immediately when she saw he was safe, and he seemed to share the sentiment.

_I DIDN’T SEE HIM!_

She corrected herself.

_There was no one._

_Just someone who looked like him._

_It was nothing._

_He’s not coming back._

_He’s not at the fucking V Festival!_

_How stupid would he have to be to come to something like this when he’s wanted by the fucking fuzz?_

_You’re fucking imagining things girl!_

She tried to make her voice sound stern, and like Finn’s voice in her head. 

_He’s not coming back for you._

Moments later Archie appeared and shook his head.

“Fucking mental!”  He said, “Some wankers got into a fight near me.”  Tom furrowed his brows and reached his hands out to him, “I’m alright!”  Archie answered his unasked question, “I stayed out of it.  Just made the crowd go nuts.  And the cops came waded through with fucking batons knocking heads in.” 

“Jesus fucking Christ.”  Rae said and they turned their eyes to the slowly moving crowd, waiting for Izzy and Chop. 

“Surprised they didn’t end up with a riot.”  Tom mused and Archie nodded.

“It was a close thing.”  Archie acknowledged.

“I saw Simmo get arrested.”  Finn told them and Archie pulled a face.

“Fuck.” 

“Here they are!”  Finn said delightedly and pointed to the crowd, Rae picking out Chop’s angry face amongst the crowd, blood on his lips. 

“The fuck’s happened?”  Archie asked worried. 

Eventually they managed to free themselves from the crowd and Izzy’s hands were up over her chest, her shirt clearly torn.

“It’s alright!”  She said exasperatedly, “Some guy tore me shirt, and Chop knocked him one, and he hit Chop back, but we got outta there afore the fuzz came.”  Chop stripped off his shirt and handed it to her and she took it gratefully.  “I think it were an accident that he did tore it, you know?”  She said to Chop and he shrugged. 

“I heard you scream in distress.”  He answered.  “Don’t care what his reasons were.” 

“Ah.”  Archie said, “So you might have been the... guys fighting.”  Archie changed his use of language and Chop shrugged.

“I saw a couple o’ fights.”  He told them.  “Everyone’s drunk and tired.” 

“Are we heading to Daft Punk?”  Izzy asked, an excited grin coming over her face.

“Fuck yes we are baby girl!”  Chop answered and they headed down a different path to get the set.

 

 

It was past two in the morning before Rae and Finn collapsed in to bed, far too exhausted to even think about having sex, even though it would mean it was the first day they had gone without sex when Rae wasn’t on it. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Blister in the Sun’ by The Violent Femmes _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YdQBkxf4kU_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YdQBkxf4kU)

 

Ten am on Sunday morning saw a tired gang eating breakfast and trying to get their heads in the game for the second day of the V Festival.  The mood was one of frenetic exuberance bordering on hysterical exhaustion.  Tom came into the kitchen from upstairs with a small black leather bag.  He sat down and unzipped it.

“Alright who wants some fucking uppers?”  He asked and pulled out a selection of powders and pills.  “I think we’ll go with some quality amphetamines… Speed!”  He said to Archie who grinned in reply.

“It’s like having me own personal pharmacist.”  Archie picked up a pill and Tom slapped his hand.

“It’s pure.”  He said, “That much’ll fuck you up and you won’t remember the festival.  And the comedown’ll be dreadful...”  He told Archie protectively.  The gang watched Tom cut the pill into halves and eye them all, looking at Izzy last.  “And it’d probably kill her cos of her size and the chemo.”  He cut the pill in quarters and handed a quarter to her.  “Half of that now, half in about six hours.”  He told her and she nodded.  Everyone else got a half of a tablet to have over the whole day, except for Rhys and Tom who both got full tablets.  Rhys because of his size and Tom because of his tolerance to drugs. 

“I haven’t been intoxicated on this many consecutive days for quite a while.”  Rhys laughed and took Tom’s cutting tools to cut his pill in half. 

“Yeah you went all straight on me!”  Tom said and Rhys laughed.

“Got sick o’ the fucking hangovers.”  But mostly Rhys liked to have control of himself, and intoxication hampered that.  Nonetheless, he put the half pill in his mouth swallowing it with a mouthful of orange juice and stored the second half for later.  Seeing Rhys swallow the pill without concern and Archie following suit, made everyone else comfortable to try this drug that was new to them. 

“It’ll take about 30 minutes to kick in.”  Tom told them as he swallowed his half a tablet. 

“How is Jules?”  Rhys asked as he finished eating nonchalantly. 

“Still the best fucking drug-maker in Britain.”  Tom grinned.  Rhys nodded slowly, considering this.

“How d’you guys know… Jules?”  Chloe asked.  She didn’t know Jules, but he was clearly a big deal in the land of drugs. 

“He’s my brother.”  Rhys answered. 

“Twin brother!”  Tom said, “There’s fucking two of ‘em!”  Chloe turned her eyes to Rhys as the gang reacted to that.

“Julian is older by 4 minutes.”  Rhys told her, “And it’s been too long since I last saw him.”  He said sadly. 

“Well we’re in London.”  Tom told him and Rhys nodded.

“I’ll pay him a visit.”  Rhys didn’t indicate if he’d be taking Chloe with him, but from the way she was looking at him it was clear she expected him to. 

“Right, time to go!”  Rae said, catching sight of the clock; they had a train to catch. 

 

 

The speed had kicked in while they were on the train, it had a similar up-rush to ecstasy but the happiness was even more intense; frenetic was understating it.  Rae felt unreasonably confident, like she could fly if she jumped off a building, but Tom had given them a small enough dose to keep them in their right heads and she understood she couldn’t fly, she just felt like she could.  Their energy levels went through the roof and they were bounding up and down the aisles between the seats on the train and pissing everyone off in no time, talking loudly to the other passengers until one by one, people changed carriages and they had the carriage to themselves.  Ecstasy had made them all touchy-feely, and the need to love everyone was increased over ecstasy with speed, in fact, speed increased Finn’s sex drive so much he practically tackled Rae onto an empty train seat and started kissing her messily, his hand going up her skirt, tearing her tights in no time.  Chop and Archie began to sing loudly, Rhys and Chloe happily touching each other in awe of each other’s skin, Izzy happily buzzed danced to the singing and nodded in response to Tom who talked in a nonstop torrent to her.  Finn was inside of Rae before she’d even had time to properly register that her tights were torn; the pleasure was intense and she started to groan, Finn put a hand over her mouth and buried his face in her neck to silence himself while they fucked, hidden from view by the chair in front of them.  Speed did tend to speed things up, and they were done almost as soon as they’d begun.  Finn starting to sing loudly with Archie and Chop while he was still inside of Rae, lying across the chair, but having cum now, his mind was able to focus on other things.  Eventually they started to clean themselves up with loud guffaws and when Rae got Finn’s cum on her hand, she ended up wiping it on his face.

“Oi!”  He laughed.

“Wear it.”  She giggled and he rubbed his face on hers which only led to them making out frantically.  But then Rae’s racing mind alighted upon ‘the issue’ and she pushed Finn away.

“Guys!”  She said loudly, her head popping up above the seat, “We gotta sort out who we’re seeing.” 

Rae and Finn re-joined the group and the debate that ensued over who to see was beyond gorgeously heated and frenetically paced. 

Despite their heavier dosage, Tom and Rhys were, predictably, the most in control of themselves, and when Tom noticed Archie grinding his teeth he nudged Rhys with his foot and Rhys pulled out a piece of chewing gum for Archie to have.  Rhys decided to hand it out to everyone, even though it was affecting them all differently; it was better to guard against the grinding in all of them. 

“We girls should tie ourselves to each other!”  Izzy said and Chloe and Rae agreed instantly.  Rae’s knee length skirt, was tied to Izzy’s skirt, and Izzy tied her shirt to Chloe’s shirt. 

Time seemed to move so quickly that before they knew it they were bouncing around in the moshpit in front of the V Stage, large bottles of water provided by Rhys in their hands.  The whole crowd was huge and angrier today, the surging and jostling was intense, but the girls stayed for hours clinging together and jumping up and down tirelessly, elbowing guys that got too grabby as if they were invincible.  The guys continued their trend of trying to see everyone, while the girls simply stayed where they were.  By the time the Placebo set began the high was ebbing and they were tired, thirsty and hungry.  Rae regretted it, but they had to go and find the boys and get food.  She looked back at Placebo and sighed as they headed out of the crowd.

Luckily they managed to get out of the crowd easily and found Finn and Chop at a food stall doing a food run for the lads.  The minute he saw Rae, Finn wrapped his arms around her.  Izzy hugged Chop, the two girls’ skirts pulled on their waists as the knot held, but they ignored it.  Chloe eyed the food stall and decided what she wanted while her mates hugged and kissed. 

“Sorry for the train.”  He pulled a face halfway between genuine apology and obvious amusement at his own antics. 

“No, I like you on speed.”  She laughed, but laughing was a little harder now that she was on the comedown. 

“Horny as fuck on it!”  He told her, “I can’t imagine what’ll happen with the second dose.”  He looked her up and down and she bit her bottom lip and shrugged.

“Well me tights are already torn.”  She said suggestively and he grinned.

“That’s what I like to hear.” 

They took the food back to the rest of the gang; also on the comedown, and ate, not suffering too much from it.  The girls untied their clothes for lunch, intending to tie themselves back together afterwards.  Everyone discussed who they’d seen and what speed was like merrily.  Tom had acquired quite an eye for drug dosage and knowing what to give who and in what amounts.  If you got fucked up with Tom, it was deliberate.  Nice buzzes like this with the minimal amount of comedown possible was also deliberate.  He’d been able to guess their weights, health and metabolic rates quite accurately from his time with them at the boxing joint, and knew the purity of the drug he was giving them.  Much like Rhys, he had been without parental guidance from a young age and he had done things to survive.  Drugs had been a part of his life since he was 14; before he’d left his parents’ house.  He didn’t make mistakes when it came to drugs.  Nor did he allow for addiction to happen.  He watched his own usage carefully, and now he watched Archie’s even closer.  And watching the gang chatting and coping with the comedown well, he knew he’d watch them all now; keep them safe when they decided to have some fun with drugs. 

 

 

After lunch the girls went for a toilet break, once again expecting a long wait, like yesterday, until Chloe noticed the men’s toilet didn’t have a line. 

“Let’s go to the men’s.”  Chloe said and Izzy scrunched her nose.

“No way.”  A heated debate between Chloe and Izzy ensued until they both turned their eyes to Rae to decide. 

Rae a year ago would have waited in the girls’ line, too embarrassed to go near the boys.  The Rae of today was inclined to agree with the Rae of last year, but she really needed to go and the men were in an out in no time. 

“Let’s do it.”  She surprised them all and Izzy gave her an exasperated glare before agreeing to leave the line and head to the men’s toilet. 

The three of them stood at the door, hesitating, nervous.

“Well one of us is gonna have to open the door.”  Rae said.  Chloe cocked her chin in her best imitation of bravery and pushed the door open. 

“Oh god!”  Izzy said with a repulsed sound and Chloe covered her nose immediately.

“Jesus Christ!”  Rae mumbled as the dank smell of urine and urinal cakes hit their noses.  But straight ahead they could see empty toilet cubicles, full of toilet paper, practically sparkling they were so clean.  They looked at each other and decided to brave the smell and stepped into the toilets, immediately, they saw several men to their right, standing at urinals, pissing.  Chloe’s jaw dropped and Izzy pulled a disgusted face.  Rae tried to smile professionally at them as they stared at the girls.

“Just here for these.”  Rae said awkwardly and pushed the girls into a cubicle each. 

When it came to washing their hands they tried to keep their eyes lowered as the guys all around them gave them odd looks.  Izzy scrunched her nose as she noticed how many men left without washing their hands. 

“Oh fuck I think I’m gonna pass out from the smell.”  Chloe said.

“I’m gonna be smelling this for fucking weeks.”  Rae agreed as they finished up and rushed for the door.  “Fresh air!”  Rae said and took a deep breath.

“I think me clothes smell like it.”  Izzy said with a horrified face. 

“How the fuck do boys handle that fucking smell?”  Chloe asked.

“And they all stand around and piss together!”  Izzy added with a shocked face, “Could you imagine if us girls did that?” 

“Well we don’t think of our piss as marking territories do we?”  Chloe said, “I bet they check whose dick’s bigger while they’re at it.” 

“That’s just sad.”  Rae shook her head.

“Probably true for most of ‘em.”  Izzy still had the disgusted look on her face, “I can still smell it!”  She jiggled like there was a spider on her that she needed them to get off.

“It’s probably clinging to the lining of your nostrils.”  Rae said with a look of distaste.  “And all the way down our lungs.”  Rae shuddered, “That stench was rank.”  They approached the boys and gave them all a deeply unimpressed look.

“What?”  Chop asked innocently and Izzy shook her head at him.

“Disgusting boys.”  She told him in a repulsed tone. 

 

 

After laughing for ten minutes solid at the girl’s description of their adventures into the male toilet, the lads decided they’d stay with the girls for the rest of the day; it was more fun with them around.  The girls had decided to stay at the V stage, and then head to the Virgin High Energy Tent after the Prodigy to catch the end of The Chemical Brothers set.  They chatted and finished lunch, all four couples hugged up on this slightly cooler day. 

They all dropped their second dose of speed, but were better prepared for the outcome this time; Finn had already figured out where he’d be fucking Rae when the urge hit him hard, like he knew it would. 

“Shall we head back to the pit?”  Rae asked with a grin, and they all started to get up, each with a new bottle of water.  Tom and Archie kissed as they waited for everyone to be ready and as he tasted his boyfriend’s mouth, Archie felt a sudden pain in the back of his head.  He heard the yelling before he’d had time to put his hand up to his head.

“Fucking faggots!”  A lad had thrown a rock at them, Tom spotting him instantly. 

“Hey fuck you!”  Finn roared in return, Chop right by his side, Rhys glaring at the lads with hatred.  Rae and Chloe yelled in fury and Izzy’s eyes were on Archie in concern.  Tom looked over at the rock thrower with another two lads laughing and then back at Archie.

“You alright?”  Archie pulled his hand off his head where the rock had hit him, there was blood on his fingertips.  “Right.”  Tom said calmly and kissed Archie gently, “I’ll just be just a minute.”  He walked over to the lads, Finn moving forward to go with him, but Archie held up a hand.

“He’s got some family shit to work through.”  Archie said, “And he tends to be a tad hot-headed when it comes to homophobes… Best to leave him to it.”  Chloe looked at the wound on his head. 

“It’s fine.”  She told him and he nodded.

“I know.”  Archie watched Tom get within in striking distance of the lads and then explode into furious, enraged action.  Punching first one then the second lad, turning to head butt the third. 

“Fucking hell.”  Rae said as Tom threw his head back and laughed when the first guy punched him in the ribs. 

“It’s not really a fair fight.”  Finn fretted as the second guy punched Tom as well, the third guy was still holding his broken nose. 

“No it’s not.”  Archie said and simply watched; he’d seen it all before.  Tom pulled the first guy into a choke hold, downing him in seconds like Rhys had on Friday night and then roundhouse kicked the third guy.  The second guy was the one that had thrown the rock.  Tom jabbed him in the face, then the ribs, then kicked out his legs.

“He’s just playing with him!”  Chop said happily.  Rhys scanned the crowd and saw commotion heading their way.

“Time to go.”  He told them and Chop called out to Tom.

“Fuzz is coming!”  He said and Tom nodded not taking his eyes off the guy on his knees before him.  He looked as though he was deciding what to do to him and then brutally uppercut the lad’s chin and knocked him back into the dirt before turning back to Archie and taking his hand, a calm serene look on his face.

“Feel better?”  Archie asked him and Tom smiled happily.

“Much better.”  Finn raised his eyebrows at Archie when he heard Tom’s response.

“Yeah yeah, I know.”  Archie told him; Tom had the same temper Finn did, the same temper Archie had called Finn a Cro-Magnon man for.  Finn kept the same look going until Archie capitulated, “I’m sorry.”  He laughed. 

“Fucking bet your arse you’re sorry!”  Finn laughed. 

“He’s not jealous like you though.”  Archie told him and Finn shrugged.

“We can’t all be perfect.”  Finn laughed.

They weaved their way through the audience, Chloe aggressively pushing sometimes when people wouldn’t move and weren’t even watching the band.  The boys were astounded to see that eventually the girls worked them to the front of the crowd.  They leaned against the barriers happily as Foo Fighters played and the speed rush set in.  Finn instantly having to have Rae, he grabbed her and spun her around, fucking her up against the barriers while the audience screamed for Dave Grohl and moshed aggressively all around them, the gang not noticing as they went nuts jumping around to the music.  Finn managed to make himself last long enough for Rae to actually cum this time, the barrage of people jostling and swaying them through the frenzied, maniacal speed fuck. 

All around them people were losing their shit and screaming, jumping, slamming into each other, the gang managed to stay together, clinging to the barrier as they danced and jumped and screamed. 

When Beck played next the audience was much more mellow, dancing and singing along loudly, almost drowning Beck out during ‘Loser.’ 

But it was the Prodigy that saw the audience reach an absolute frenzy.  People began slam dancing; the act of taking a running leap into other people, slamming together as painfully as possibly.  And Rhys was kicked in the face by a crowd surfer, his eyebrow split and bled impressively.  None of this stopped the gang from doing anything other than joining in on the frenzy, moving in something halfway between dancing and moshing, they jumped as high as they could, bodies from the roiling crowd behind them pressing them into the barrier. Security started to get pissed off at the crowd and pushing people around when they tried to get over the barrier.  A woman on her boyfriend’s shoulder took her top of and danced topless until she fell back into the audience, but she was captured and she crowd surfed for a long time before she ended up being passed over the barrier.  Thousands of people pressed together, dancing, jumping, moving in all directions like an ocean in a storm, and the gang where the breaking tide, pressed against the shore, the barriers pushing into their ribs, making breathing difficult, and still they screamed out song lyrics.  Still they tried to push back against the crowd to give themselves enough room to dance for a few moments before the forward surge would again slam them into the barriers.  The speed gave them endless energy and they soaked up every moment of it.

They were disappointed when the set was over, but they started to snake through the exhausted audience, strung out and keen for more music, they sought out the Chemical Brothers, this time the boys trusting the girls to find a way through the audience.  They didn’t get separated and where in dancing to the Chemical Brothers in just a few minutes.  They were so high and exuberant that by the time 11pm rolled around and the V festival was over, they’d been dancing and moshing since midday and they still wanted more. 

“There’s plenty of nightclubs in London!”  Tom reminded them with a grin.

“Dance till dawn!”  Izzy cried and they cheered her on in agreement. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘And So It Goes’ by Billy Joel _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcUCYtyaLrY>

 

After only three months of looking for her he held a phone number in his hand.

It had been so easy in the end.

He’d gone through the boxes in his wardrobe, found nothing useful; ringing all the old numbers led to one dead end after another.  But going through his old possessions reminded him of the lovely Anka.  He marvelled that he could have shut himself down so much as to ever forget Anka! 

It wasn’t so much that he forgot her as he hadn’t remember her.  He had put all of that part of his life into a little box so the memories of it couldn’t hurt him anymore. 

It took only a few weeks of watching his daughter’s grave to see an unimpressed delivery boy dropping some flowers on the grave.  Gary had caught up with him and angrily asked him if that was how he showed respect to dead little girls.  By the time Gary had asked him who was sending the flowers to his daughter’s gravesite the delivery boy had been so scared that Gary was going to report him to his boss that he’d given him the order details for free. 

A Stamford phone number.

Impossible.

He had called it. 

She had been expecting him to call sooner.

It seems everyone had been expecting him sooner.

Why hadn’t he started the search so much sooner?

At first he was heartbroken and he had nothing left in him to fight for her.  Something that he was deeply ashamed of.  But as time went by and he ached for her, missed her in a way that he had never known possible, he had told himself that he was respecting her wishes, and so he was… But also he was afraid: 

What happens now?

But it wasn’t Kenzie on the other end of the Stamford phone number. 

It was a friend of hers that she had met in London about six years ago.  This friend had moved to Stamford just last year because she had bought a business in the shopping strip.  She had been sending the flowers on behalf of Kenzie all these years.  

Gary had asked her if Kenzie ever visited her. _No she stays in London._

She stays in London, except for when she goes to Scotland; Gary knew that much. 

He’d asked this woman, Eileen, for contact details for his wife.  She had refused.

Two weeks passed agonisingly slowly after a lot of fruitless searching for Kenzie McCay in the directory of London and other public records.  His efforts were slowed down by his massive work load for his job.  A workload he had no intention of letting slip; it paid for his son to be able to have a car and a scooter and a motorbike.  And for them to live in far more ease than they had been in previous years. 

He called Eileen again and asked her to ask Kenzie to call him, or ask her if she could give him her phone number.  They had talked for some time, Gary getting the feeling that she was gauging him; deciding if he had the right intention when it came to calling her friend.  In the end she had decided to give him her phone number.

And now he held it in his hands. 

He had had the number for a week now.  He’d waited for Finn to go to London before attempting the call.

But every time he looked at the phone his ability to form words left him.

What would he say?

What happens now?

But Finn reading that letter had set off a chain of events and he just wanted this thing to be done.  He missed his wife, and Janice leaving, and the search for Kenzie had stirred up all that old pain.  He had to know.

It was that simple.

He didn’t let himself think about what came next, or how his life would unfold with Kenzie back home.  He just wanted to know.  He missed her, he loved her.

He needed to move past the limbo he’d been in for the past nearly eight full years; he wanted this part of his life to be over. 

He waited for his nerves to settle and picked up the phone.

Slowly he dialled each numeral of the London phone number.

It rang.

Gary waited, listening to the phone ringing. 

He started to fear she wouldn’t pick up when there was a click on the other end of the line, a soft intake of breath, and then a voice.

“Hello?”  He knew that voice.

“Kenzie.”  His voice broke with emotion he had been holding back for eight years now.

“Gary?”

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you to these two lovely women for my French translations:

[whatthefuckisthisfuckingfuckery](http://whatthefuckisthisfuckingfuckery.tumblr.com)

<http://freyasfrench.tumblr.com/>

 

Monkey magic opening credits  <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88y4ttqaW6U>

 

Karim’s lullaby  <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYLTc3tGdzc>

 


	4. Chapter 3 - Duece (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the third episode of season 4 MMFD fanfic.
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 1.
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo

 

_ ‘Diamond Sea’ by Sonic Youth _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnOi9Vem4sc&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnOi9Vem4sc&feature=kp)

 

Monday was a quiet affair, no one was much inclined to do much of anything after the previous three days of partying.  Tom and Rhys had gone for a jog when they’d woken up late in the morning, both of them completely devoid of comedown symptoms.  They came back with lots of healthy food and smoothies and videos to watch.  Archie and Rae were sitting at the kitchen table when Tom and Rhys came in with their bags of goodies.  Tom instantly grinned when he saw Archie and gave him a kiss.

“Good morning handsome.”  Tom breathed as Archie wrapped his arms around Tom’s waist. 

“’Morning beautiful.  Wait… no it’s afternoon now.”  Archie replied as he looked at the clock and then back at Tom.  He started to lift up Tom’s shirt and without a question Tom raised his arms for Archie to do whatever he wanted.

“Archer, I’m sure you can do that in your own room!”  Rae told him only half joking.

“Have you seen the way you and Finn are?”  Archie shot back, “I’m looking to see how bad he bruised up after that fight yester.” 

“Oh right.”  Rae said apologetically and gave him a contrite face before taking the ibuprofen he had provided. 

“They got a good one in on your ribs.”  Archie said with a grimace and Tom shrugged completely uncaring.

“I got them better.”  He grinned cockily. 

“Still on your vitamin K tablets?”  Archie asked and Tom nodded, giving Archie a loving grin as he mothered him, “take some bromelain tablets as well.”  Archie added, “And I’ll put some St. John’s Wort on them when we go upstairs.”

“Aye aye captain.”  Tom answered happily. 

“What’s all that about?”  Rae asked.

“Home remedies for bruising.”  Tom said with a nonchalant shrug, “I’ve become somewhat of an expert on the topic over the years.”  He said with a sage grin before chuckling, “So’s my Archie now.”  Archie pushed Tom’s shirt up further to look for other bruises

“It’s a crime against women everywhere that you’re gay Tom.”  Rae said as she looked at his muscled torso. 

“So I’ve been told.”  He laughed.  “But I’m sure you’ll cope.  Finn’s quite a dish.”  Rhys made a sound that could have been agreement or disapproval of the conversation; he was sometimes hard to read like that.  He handed them some smoothies and headed for the stairs with a smoothie in hand for Chloe.  Archie pulled Tom’s shirt back down and picked up his smoothie.

“But the way I see it love, he’s just as lucky as you are.”  Tom added and raised his eyebrows suggestively, “set o’ knockers like those could almost turn a chap.”  Rae shook her head, grinning, she looked through the videos.  “O’ course that’s just physical.  If you go in for that personality stuff…”

“Gonna play favourites Tommy?”  Rae asked him and he gave her a thoughtful look.

“I think that would be a very foolish thing to do.”  Tom answered as if that would lead to trouble.

“Wise decision!”  Rae laughed. 

“You’ve both got very different things to offer.”  Tom added and Rae gifted him with a knowing grin. 

“Like you and Archie?”  She held up a video and Tom laughed.

“‘Attack of the killer tomatoes?’”  Archie asked and looked at him with a bemused grin. 

“Don’t even start Archer!”  Tom laughed, “It’s a cult classic!”  Rae gave Tom an unimpressed look as he took the video from her and looked at the cover, “It’s so funny.” 

“See Archie likes good cult classics… you like…” 

“I love bad movies.”  Tom admitted to her with a grin. 

“The worse they are the better.”  Archie told Rae.

“You have my sympathies Archer.”  Rae patted his back.

“You won’t feel that way after you’ve watched this beauty.”  Tom told them as Izzy came yawning into the kitchen. 

“’Morning all.”  She said and started to sort through the food.

“How are you feeling this morning?”  Tom asked her with an intense look.

“Not too shabby.”  She said, but Tom looked closer at her face.

“What’s up?”  Her concerned voice made Rae look up from her videos. 

“You’re on chemo Izzy.  That means your liver is already working overtime.”  Tom motioned for her to raise her head, “Open up your eyes wide?”  He looked into her eyes and Izzy blushed.

“Blimey Tom.”  She muttered; he really was breathtakingly handsome, “What you looking for?”  She asked covering her discomfiture.

“Just any sign that your liver’s struggling with the belting we gave it this weekend.”  He said softly.

“In me eyes?”  She asked.

“Jaundice.”  He told her, “Yellows the whites of the eyes.” 

“Oh right.”  She answered as if that was an acceptable explanation.  “And…?”

“Well I’m no fucking expert, but you look alright.”  He said, “Surprisingly.”  He let her continue to go through the food and mulled this over, “You should probably take it easy though, Iz.”  He fretted.

“I’m sick o’ taking it easy.”  Izzy told him, “I’ll be fine.” 

“Well you know your body better than anyone.”  Tom said honestly, “Just listen to it, is all I’m saying.”

“Got it.”  She grinned in return and he nodded apparently reassured.  “All the food is really healthy.”  She said with a disgusted frown, “I want a bacon sandwich.” 

“There’s a bacon and salad sandwich in there.”  Tom answered as if that were the same thing and Archie laughed.  Izzy frowned at him.

“If that’s the cost o’ having a body like yours Tom, I’ll keep mine.”  She found out the bacon and salad sandwich and started to pick the green bits out. 

Finn came in looking bleary eyed and kissed Rae’s lips gently before sitting down. 

“Archie give me drugs.”  He said as quietly as he could and Tom noted the hangover and made a note to give Finn slightly less speed next time.  Archie produced the ibuprofen he’d brought downstairs for everyone and Finn took two tablets as Chop walked in angrily.

“Fucking fuckers woke me up.”  He muttered as he sat down.  Rae was about to protest and tell him they’d been quite quiet down here when a loud moan broke the silence.

“Oh.”  Rae said and started laughing. 

“It’s not fucking funny.”  Chop said grouchily and Tom noted the withdrawal symptoms and made the same mental note as he had for Finn. 

“Well that’s all three o’ you girls I’ve heard cum now.”  Archie said as he handed some ibuprofen to Chop and pulled a chicken and salad roll out of the bag.  “We’re a close bunch o’ friends aren’t we?”  He smiled grimly as another moan from Chloe, two flights up from the kitchen in the six storey house, reached their ears.  Izzy blushed and Chop furrowed his brows.  Finn and Rae just kept eating; after waking up the whole street deliberately with the power of Rae’s orgasms, neither of them were fazed anymore by the idea of the gang having heard her moan. 

“We just gotta hear all the boys now.”  Rae laughed and Archie shook his head.

“You’re incorrigible.”  He said with an unimpressed sneer that he couldn’t hold.  They laughed as Chop reached for some food from the bags.

“What the fucking fuck is this fuckery?”  He asked unimpressed as he looked at a beef, mustard and salad sandwich.  “What the fuck is this fucking rabbit food?” 

“Oh I know baby.”  Izzy soothed him, rubbing his back gently, “Just pull it off.”  She suggested and he immediately opened up the sandwich and picked off the salad.  Tom and Archie shared a grin and Tom nodded, having learned his lesson; no salad for Chop and Izzy.  Rae had been quite happy to eat the other chicken and salad roll and Finn had found the ham and salad sandwich and was eating that without complaint. 

“I’m gonna have a quick shower and get out of my jogging clothes.”  Tom told them and headed to the stairs. 

He’d finished his shower and come back down the stairs long before Chloe appeared, bounding down the stairs, drying her hair and almost glowing with satisfaction.  Rhys followed behind them with his face lowered and a small smile on his face that he was trying to get under control; he quite enjoyed it when Chloe jumped on him like she had when he’d gone upstairs to gently wake her.  He had two massive turkey and salad sandwiches waiting for him and Chloe had egg and salad; her favourite and they both starting eating without saying much.  Chloe looked around at everyone looking at her as she ate and swallowed her food.

“What?”  She said when she saw Chop’s unimpressed face.

“Archie here was just commenting that for a gay man he sure has heard a lot o’ women in a state of orgasm.”  Tom said deadpan. 

“Oh.”  Chloe answered in a small shocked voice in the resulting silence.  Rhys lowered his face, and cleared his throat, flicking his eyes up to Chloe to gauge her response.  Everyone burst out laughing except Chloe and Rhys.  Chloe began to blush and then started to giggle.

“Leave off!”  She groaned and shook her head.  Rhys allowed himself to smile when he saw that Chloe was ok.  He had thought she would be; but he was still getting to know her, and she could be a very private woman at times.  “Just gotta hear you boys going it now.”  She said through her chuckles.

“My thoughts exactly!”  Rae told her.

“No fucking chance.”  Chop answered resolutely.

“My thoughts exactly.”  Finn agreed.  And a silent moment of scheming passed amongst the girls as they exchanged quick glances, before Izzy looked up at Tom and Archie thoughtfully.

“Well it seems entirely unfair, cos I’ve never heard a gay man cum.”  She said with a grin.

“And you’re not gonna.”  Archie replied, But Tom saw the way the three girls were looking at him and realised they were trying to draft him into some sort of plot.  He smiled demurely and looked at Archie’s face as he changed the topic.  “’Ere you two,” he said to Rae and Chloe, “I’ve always wondered how you met?”  Rae and Chloe shared a grin and Tom marvelled at how deftly Archie had deflected the attention from himself.

“We met in kindergarten when Rae stuck up for me when a bunch o’ boys stole me lunch box and called me smelly.”  Finn looked over at Rae with a huge grin.

“Quite the hero!”  He said and put his arm over her shoulders.

“Definitely!”  Chloe laughed, “I went home and told me mum I were in love with Rae Earl.  Me knight in shining armour.”  She laughed, “And I were the princess being rescued.” 

“How romantic!”  Izzy said with a happy grin and both Chop and Finn gave her a small bemused look.  Rae was laughing.

‘You remember the way Seamus looked when I pushed him away from you?”  Rae laughed.

“Bastard kept pulling my hair!”  Chloe shook her head.

“That’s how little boys show they like girls.”  Chop told them with a frown. 

“Rubbish.”  Chloe said, “That’s what we tell ourselves rather than correct little boys when they get physical against a girl’s wishes.”  Chloe said, “We should teach ‘em how to properly express themselves rather than teach them they can do whatever they want to girls.”  Chop opened his mouth in thought and cocked his head to the side, “You got all these girls thinking that boys can only show they like you by hurting you.”  She told him, “No son o’ mine will ever get away with it.”

“Hear hear!”  Izzy agreed and Rae nodded.

“Fuck I never thought o’ that.”  Chop said with a face filled with confusion.  Rae looked to Finn who had a thoughtful expression on his quiet face, and then over to Archie who was also taking that in.  Tom of course looked as jovial as ever and this kind of talk was child’s play for Rhys. 

“You know Chlo, after I stopped the boys from pulling your hair all the time I wrote, ‘I love Chloe Gemmel’ in me little kindergarten book.”

“You loved me too!”  Chloe grinned, “I thought it were an unrequited love.”  She laughed.

“Still love you, what are you talking about?” 

“Isn’t your name Chloe Harris?”  Archie asked and Chloe rolled her eyes.

“Yeah.”  She told him, “last year me dad’s parents got a divorce.  His father had been cheating on his mother for 30 years; had a whole other family.”

“Fucking hell, that takes dedication!”  Archie shook his head. 

“Yeah so when his mum put her name back to her maiden name, Harris, me dad did the same thing.  Said he didn’t wanna share a name with that arsehole.  So we all had to change it.” 

“Are you named after anyone Chlo?”  Izzy asked.

“No, you?”

“Yeah after Isabella, the queen of Jerusalem.”  Izzy shrugged, “Me mum liked famous queens.” 

“Oh right.”  Chloe laughed.  “What about you Chop?”

“Yeah, I’m after me grand-daddy.”  He answered.

“The one who owns this place?”  Chloe asked.

“Yep.”  Chop nodded disinterestedly.

“Are we gonna watch these movies?”  Rae asked picking up ‘attack of the killer tomatoes;’ not wanting to answer the question about names in case it got into middle name territory.  Tom grinned excitedly and nodded taking her hand and leading her out to the tv room.  Archie groaned but followed them and carved out a nice space for him and Tom on the lounge.  Everyone settled in to watch Tom’s movie choice before the other choices and within minutes the giggling had started.  It was so bad and so hokey, and so brilliant that their disbelieving looks turned into guffaws before the opening credits had finished. 

Only ten minutes in and they had to pause it so that they could get some water, Rae had been laughing so hard she nearly choked, and Chop was not much better off.  They both got up to go to the kitchen, requests to bring some drinks and snacks back following them into the kitchen. 

“I fucking told you all!”  Tom called after them triumphantly, “Fucking gold this movie.” 

“Aye you were right!”  Rae called back still giggling, Chop put an arm around her shoulders as they rambled through to the kitchen laughing and chatting about the movie. 

“It’ll be fucking salad that kills us all.”  Chop was chuckling happily when they got to the kitchen and Rae put on the kettle and did herself a glass of water as Chop sorted through the pantry, looking at what goodies they had.  Rae was still reminiscing about her and Chloe’s shared childhood in her head after all the talking today, when she was struck by the memory of the way Chloe had answered her when she’d asked her why Finn was with her.

_He’s an 11._

_I’m a 4._

Her mood dropped slightly as the sting of what Chloe thought about her settled in the pit of her stomach.  She turned her eyes to Chop as he sniffed at some French onion dip and shrugged, putting it on the tray of food he was putting together. 

“Chop…?” She asked quietly and he looked up with a foolish, questioning expression.  “Did you ever wonder why Finn liked me?”

“No.”  He answered simply and looked back at the tray considering what else it needed.

“No?”  Rae was perplexed, “Why not?”

“Cos it were obvious why he liked you.”  Chop went back to the pantry and sorted through the myriad of half-finished packets of things. 

“Obvious how?”  Rae asked, turning the kettle off but not pouring the tea.  Chop looked out from the pantry and turned his eyes to her thoughtfully.

“What’s bothering you Rae Rae?”

“Just reminiscing and wondering.”  She sounded awkward to both of them, but he shrugged, accepting what she said. 

“You’re a top bird Rae, why wouldn’t a top bloke like Finn want a piece o’ that?”  He answered honestly.

“Yeah but Chop, I don’t exactly look like Izzy or Chloe.”  Rae told him and he shrugged again.

“Izzy don’t exactly look like you or Chlo.”  He answered, his brows starting to furrow.  “Don’t stop me wanting her.”  He turned back to the pantry and Rae looked at his back for a minute. 

“You know what I mean.”  She said firmly and Chop sighed.

“Yeah ok.”  He said, not looking back.  He took a deep breath and turned to her, leaning back against the pantry he crossed his arms and tried to gather his thoughts; his Raemundo needed him, so he was going to deliver.  “I used to be right into playboy girls.”  He said honestly, blush found his cheeks and he couldn’t make eye contact with her as he admitted this.  He paused and forced himself to raise his eyes to hers, “you know, blond… big plastic titties.”  He motioned in front of his chest like he had a big pair of breasts and then let his hands drop to his sides awkwardly.  Rae knew this already from her chats with Finn, and she could see how embarrassing this was for him. 

“Izzy changed that for you.”  She said soothingly and he grinned grimly and shook his head.

“You changed that for me.”  He told her, “Don’t get the wrong idea… but…” He shrugged, holding his shoulders up as his head cocked to the side, “I wouldn’t o’ minded getting in the closet with you at the sexy party.”  Rae’s eyebrows raised in surprise.  “I didn’t have a crush on you or anything like that.”  Chop let his shoulders drop, “But you’re a top bird.  And… I’d o’ shagged you with no regrets.”  Chop lowered his eyes, “And that’s coming from me.  Finn were always open to all sorts o’ girls.”  Chop told her and once again Rae already knew this.  “I thought he were nuts, cos he didn’t just like what the other lads liked.  But I come to learn that he were right all along.”  Chop looked her in the eye, “Cos Izzy don’t belong in one o’ those magazines I used to love.  But she’s a top bird.  The top bird really.”  He grinned, “And she’s so beautiful.”  Chop scrunched up his face happily, “And she right for me, you know?” 

“Yeah.”  Rae smiled thoughtfully.

“I knew you was right for Finn the minute you asked me to pull that arse o’ yours outta that slide Rae Rae.”  Chop lowered his eyes, “I always figured I’d be lucky to get some nice girl to love me.  But I always knew Finn’d need someone extraordinary.”  He looked up at her, “Turns out we both ended up with someone extraordinary.”  He grinned, “Lucky us.”  Rae lowered her eyes, tears in them.

“Thanks Chop.” 

“And just on… the idea that you don’t look…”  Chop stopped awkwardly, “Like Chloe or Izzy.”  He licked his lips and took a deep breath, “On the idea that you’re not good looking enough for Finn… that’s what you’re saying, I know.”  He told her and she lowered her eyes, “Bollocks to that.”  He shook his head, “You’re a right looker.”  Rae shook her head and chuckled, “And I could never understand why he went for Stacey.”  Rae shot her eyes up to his, “She were never right for him.”  Chop said, “And yeah, he bragged about what he did with her… but…”  He saw the uncomfortable look on Rae’s face and pressed on, “he never respected her like he does you.”  Chop said, “And he never loved her.  And… he never said she were beautiful like he does you.”  Chop said, a cheeky grin came over his face, “All the fucking time!  All I fucking hear about it how beautiful and sexy you fucking are Raemundo!”  Chop watched the grin spread across her face and considered everything he’d said and then added, “When he bragged about Stacey, it were for the lad’s entertainment, to make ‘em jealous of what he had.  When he brags about you, it’s for himself alone, cos he can’t believe his fucking luck.”  He went over to her and gave her a big hug, “Don’t think on it Rae.  You two are right for each other.”  He told her, “And don’t you dare tell Izzy I said she were extraordinary; I’ll never shut her up; she’ll get all sorts of ideas.”  He grinned, but Rae saw the vulnerability behind his eyes.

“You wonder why someone so extraordinary likes you.”  She said astutely and he looked away.

“Sometimes.”  He admitted softly.  “But I don’t dwell on it.” 

“How could you think that Chop?”  Rae asked him and held him in the hug for a moment longer.

“How could you?’  He asked when he put her at arms length and looked her in the eye.  “Cos you a bigger girl you think you not good enough for my lad Finn?”  He said pointedly, “Bollocks Rae.”  He told her firmly, “There’s no one else on the fucking planet good enough for him.”  He kissed her forehead, “Don’t ever forget it girl.”  Rae took a moment to bask in that thought before coming back to the conversation.

“Why would you think you’re not good enough for Izzy?”  Rae asked him equally as pointed. 

“I’m kinda the ordinary lad of the group, don’t know if you’ve noticed.”  Chop said with a wry grin.

“What the fuck are you talking about Chop?”  Rae asked with a bewildered look.

“Well you got Rhys.  That motherfucker’s fucking intense and so fucking impressive.  Like man mountain, font of knowledge, can kill you with his bare hands, self-control guru.  Fucking hell Rhys, just stop.”  Chop laughed, “And then there’s Tom.  That man is so fucking pretty I’d almost turn for him!”  They laughed, “And he’s funny and generous and fights like a right proper scrapper.”  Chop leaned back on the kitchen bench and folded his arms, “Then there’s fucking king shit Finn.  Coolest guy on the fucking planet, knows everything about music and sex and practically has fucking groupies.”  Chop raised his eyebrows, “And there’s Archer, smart as fuck, can sing and write music, is kind and brave and remembers everything about out us all.”  Chop turned his face to her, “And what am I?”

“The funniest.”  Rae said honestly, “and-”

“Aye, but you and me, we used to have all our own little jokes, but now you got ‘em all with my lad Finn.”  Chop answered with a nod.  “Without you backing me up, I’m not as funny.” 

“You don’t need me to be the funniest.”  Rae told him, “And besides funny… like… the stuff you’ve been through with Izzy.”  Rae struggled to find the right words, “It’s fucking intense Chop.”  She said, “It’s extraordinary how you’ve been by her side every step o’ the way.”

“Except I wasn’t.”  He said honestly, “I lost it at the beginning… and I wasn’t for Archie either… nor with you… me best girlie mate.”  She nudged him and he nudged her back.  “And with Chlo… I said certain types o’ girls… so I nearly missed it.  Nearly shamed her when she were the one that were mistreated.” 

“Alright, so it takes you a minute or two to wrap your head around something and then once you get it, people never feel anything but total love and support from you.”  Rae told him in a commanding voice. 

“So… I’m the bra of the group?”  Rae opened her mouth to reply but couldn’t help herself, she started to laugh.  Chop looked at her with a serious face before he too crumbled into fits of laughter. 

“A beautiful, comfy, supportive bra!”  Rae agreed laughing loudly.

“I like that.”

“Silently there so that sometimes people forget to notice you, but we’d be fucked without you.”  Rae told him with a serious face and Chop grinned.

“Especially you at a run, Raemundo.”  He answered cheekily with his eyes flicking down to her breasts.  They both broke out into laughter again. 

“Aye, you’re fucking strong chop.  Like industrial strength, metal brassiere.” 

“Got like a little fortified city on each boob?”  Chop laughed.

“Aye and they’ve got their own food and water supply so no one can cut off their food lines.  They can stay in there forever.”

“So comfy as well as durable and supportive and defensive!”  Chop said with a mock serious face.  “That’s nice.”

“And each nipple has a little turret gun that blasts fuckers who try to fuck with the boobs.”  She put her fingers beside her breasts and mimed a turret gun rising from each one, and made shooting laser sounds as Chop laughed.

“Oh that’s futuristic innit?”  He laughed.

“And all the citizens of the cities have been trained in self-defence and they all really love each other.”  She said, “Cos no one messes with the people they love.”  Chop’s laughter stopped and he nodded thankfully.

“It’s not a bad thing to be the bra of the gang.”  He grinned.

“You look after us all Chop.”  Rae told him. 

“Nah, we all look after each other.”  Chop answered trying not to look too pleased.

“The gang wouldn’t work without you.”  She added immutably. 

“Well that’s true.”  He agreed.  “Better feed and water ‘em before we’ve got a mutiny on our hands Raemundo.”  He grinned and turned back to the pantry. 

When they finally got back into the lounge room Izzy threw a cushion at Chop as soon as he put the food down.

“What took you so long?”  She asked loudly, the others joining in.

“Raemundo and I had to have an important chat about bras.”  He answered as he settled down beside her. 

“What could you possibly know about bras?”  Chloe asked him.

“Plenty.”  Rae told her with a big grin. 

“Ok Rae.”  Chloe tutted and rolled her eyes.  Rae sat with Finn who gave her a curious look before opening his arms for her.  Rae settled in and while Chop kept everyone guessing about their conversation, garnering laughs from everyone, Rae reflected on her friends; her family. 

Izzy.  Sweet, caring Isabella.  Kindness and goodness in every cell in her body.  But tough as nails, determined and bold now.  Cancer had made her unwilling to wait for the things that the rest of them took for granted.  She was vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and cherry topping that looked a little like fresh blood.  She danced along the edge, staring into the abyss fearlessly, laughing and clinging to life by her fingertips.  Determined to meet the world on her terms.

Chop.  Funny as fuck Arnold.  Simple and complex at the same time.  Loyal, accepting, supportive.  He had found himself in those weeks and months, shaking in the darkness alone, crying for a life he might never have with the only woman he’d ever truly love.  He was the green sprigs of life growing back on the charred remains of a tree burnt by fire.  Scarred, but fiercely alive. 

Tom.  Greek god Tom.  Who adored Archie with every atom in his being and hid away the pain of his whole family disowning him for something he couldn’t change.  An orphan in a cruel world that mocked his suffering; told him he deserved it for being an aberration.  He was stolen glances and lingering touches and deep aching kisses under the stern gaze of those that would break your neck for daring to love.  He is resistance and the will to fight.

Archie.  Half geek half music god Archibald.  Intelligent and thoughtful, enamoured with history.  Forging forward into the unknown to conquer the world… to conquer himself.  Discovering love and life and his own bravery in the face of hatred.  He is the beautiful caterpillar cocooning himself, knowing that transformation requires destruction and decay, allowing his being to melt away so that the glorious butterfly can be born.  He is the journey; terrifying and exhilarating, intoxicating, vital. 

Rhys.  Hard and soft Rhys.  The very definition of contradictory.  A history that was filled with hardships that had shaped him into a warrior and a philosopher.  He is the space where the land meets the water; constant, still, ever-changing, always moving.  Impossible to ever truly understand.  He is the exquisite moment of understanding, he is the emotion one can’t quite grasp, he is the thought in the moment of conception. 

Chloe.  Best mate Chloe.  She was the perfect 10; the girl boys dreamt of.  The girl that wished the boys had never noticed her now.  She had broken from that web of girlhood; ideals of boys and first kisses washed with acid rain and long forgotten.  She was an angry scar, filled with the memories of the violence done upon the body, but covered like the newly formed layers of healing skin, with hope.  Her eyes trained always on the future. 

Finn.  Special, kind, not so quiet anymore Finn.  He was music embodied in a slowly maturing man; all clashing thumping drums, delicately strummed guitars, driving rhythmic bass, writhing melody, erotic undercurrents and soaring orchestral heights; he was a riot of sound made flesh.  Dark in places, but the right amount of dark to be able to peer from those depths and see her light.  He was the earth beneath her feet; solid, stable, predictable.  He was the air in her lungs; vital, life-affirming, habitual.  He was the water in her cells, in her blood, in her tears; emotive, all-encompassing, soothing.  He was the fire in her heart and soul: passionate, temperamental, sexual.  He was the intimacy of an orgasm shared while looking into each other’s eyes.  He was waking up to kisses and not worrying about morning breath.  He was that smell that lingered that made you feel like you were home.  He was wild, unfettered freedom, contained in the warm embrace of his arms.  He was the feeling of being alive; painfully, joyously aware of being alive, of every breath of every sensation.  He was screaming and crying with every tear in her soul.  He was elation and miraculous bliss in every fibre in her being.  He was her hidden, secret place; a safe haven, a sanctuary against the cruelness of this world.  He was cool soothing ointments on the burns that his heat could cause.  He was fragile and in need of her.  He was strong and would give himself to her when she was in need.  He was the drama of an explosion.  The calm of meditation.  Finn was her everything. 

Rae looked at her little family.  The eight of them were vital to the health of this family; they each played their part, they each contributed and she loved them all dearly.  She looked to Finn; some more than others though. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Kool Thing’ by Sonic Youth _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDTSUwIZdMk&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDTSUwIZdMk&feature=kp)

 

“You mustn’t leave my side for any reason.”  He told her firmly.

“It can’t be that bad!”  She tried to laugh it off, but Rhys’s serious face made the laugh die in Chloe’s throat.  “Alright.”  She answered seriously. 

“Julian is a good man.”  Rhys told her as they drove.  “But very paranoid.”  He pulled over so he could turn to her to make it clear. 

“Why can’t I spend time alone in his place?”  Chloe asked tentatively. 

“Because he does not live alone.  And some of the people he lives with think he is too trusting.”  Rhys said, “They will try to harm you if they think you pose a threat of any kind to them.”

“How could I possibly be any kind of threat to them?”

“Undercover police officer.”  Rhys answered.

“Well that’s just stupid.”  She answered rolling her eyes.

“You might report them to-”

“I would never!”  Chloe said, “He’s your brother!”

“I know.”  Rhys answered, “The drug industry breeds paranoia Chloe; it’s not you, it’s them.”  He stroked her face gently, “I once saw his head of security break a man’s jaw for not showing Jules enough respect.”

“Holy shit.”  Chloe said softly.  “I see why you didn’t want to introduce me now.”  Chloe had been hurt by Rhys’s initial reluctance, but she had jutted her jaw and insisted, and he had acquiesced with a slightly worried look. 

“But he is not what people imagine when they think of a drug dealer.”  Rhys answered, “And both of us… we fell into the lives we’ve had because of the things that happened in our childhood.”  Rhys started driving again and Chloe looked at the side of his face.

“Tell me?”  She asked him sympathetically.

“Our mother… died,” Chloe could tell he wasn’t telling the whole story, but she let it slide, “When we were 12.”  He closed his mouth tightly for a moment.  “And our step-father threw us out onto the streets o’ London before the funeral had even happened.”  Chloe’s hand rose to her mouth, “I remember my stomach grumbling from hunger during the funeral service.”  Rhys said, “And I was wearing the clothes he’d turned me out in two days before.  Julian wasn’t there.”  Rhys turned his eyes to her, “I don’t think he’s ever forgiven himself for not being there.”  He looked back at the road.

“He could hardly help it.”  She whispered.

“I know.”  Rhys answered, “We both got by the best we could.”  Rhys finished the story and Chloe took some time to process what she’d heard. 

“I’m sorry that happened to you.”  She put her hand on his thigh and he wrapped his large hand around hers. 

“I’m not.”  He told her, “I’m sorry it happened to my mother.  But I’ve made peace with my past Chloe.  And I’m happy where I am in my life now.”  He looked back at her, “my brother has not made peace with his past.”  Chloe nodded sadly.  “But he is relatively happy.”  Rhys smiled suddenly.  “You might very well prefer him to me once you meet him!”  He chuckled.

“Impossible.”  She told him with a grin.  “Where are we headed?” 

“Kent.”

“Where in Kent?”  She shook her head at him and he grinned.

“Maidstone.”  He told her and she frowned.

“I don’t know anything about Maidstone.” 

Julian had a 10 bedroom converted watermill house on nine and a half acres of land that included woods and a busy stream.  From the outside it looked like a perfectly normal country house.  But under the 4 car garage was a drug lab that produced tonnes of party drugs a month.  Jules ran a tight ship with only a few trusted people knowing where this house was; everyone else in the chain of supply and selling only knew one contact in a long line of contacts.  It was almost impossible to trace the line back to him and this place.

When they pulled up outside of the house Chloe was impressed.  She took a deep breath and got out of the car, straightening her dress.  Rhys came around the car to her and she took his hand as they headed to the house. 

They were greeted at the door by a serious looking man leaning against the door.

“What do you want?”  He asked them. 

“I wanna see my brother.”  Rhys went to press the door bell and the man stepped in between Rhys and the bell. 

“Nice try.”  He said mirthlessly, “I wasn’t told that Mr O’Daire had any appointments today.”

“I don’t need a fucking appointment to see my brother.”  Rhys said testily and Chloe was surprised to see this from Rhys; the man that was usually supremely cool, calm and collected. 

“Actually, yes you do.”  Rhys sighed and turned to Chloe as if he were going to talk.  But the moment he turned he lashed out with his fist and hit the man square in the face.  His head bounced off the wall behind him and he crumpled to the ground.  Rhys looked at him for a moment and then pressed the doorbell.  Chloe looked at the man with wide open eyes, her mouth slightly open in surprise.  It hadn’t been a hard hit for Rhys; Chloe had seen him on the punching bag, she knew.  But the bounce off the wall had rattled his head in whiplash motion and he was unconscious.  The door opened, a confused looking man, wearing only jeans opened the door.  Chloe took him in.  He was about 6 foot 3, and was a muscular build, but wouldn’t weigh more than 90 kilos or so.  He was covered in tattoos and had close cropped hair that didn’t hide a nasty looking scar on the top of his head.  He was thinner, shorter, and his face seemed almost jovial.  But the fact that he was Rhys’s brother could not be denied.  The similarities were uncanny.  She looked at him amazed; he was so different but so the same.

“Rhys you mother fucker!”  Julian said and invited him in, looking down at the unconscious guard. 

“Tell your guards not to stand too close to walls in future.”  Rhys said and stepped over the man to give his brother a big hug.  He turned back to Chloe and offered her a hand.  Chloe took his hand and gingerly stepped over the man.  Julian closed the door and turned to look at them again. 

“This is Chloe.”  Rhys had barely gotten the words out before Julian was speaking.

“Damnit lad, what is it with you and hot white girls?”  He said taking Chloe in with an appraising look, his east end accent more obvious than Rhys’s.  “How’d you pull ‘er?”

“She’s my girlfriend.”  Rhys continued as if Julian had spoken. 

“Girlfriend?”  Julian asked, seemingly taken aback.  “You got a girlfriend Rhys?”  He looked at Chloe again with a more critical eye.  “How’d you get her Alan Whickers off, you fucking ginger beer?”

“Chloe is in the room Jules, you can certainly ask her about that.”  Chloe detected the challenge in Rhys’s tone and saw Julian hesitate with surprise.  He grinned at Rhys and started to chuckle as he turned to Chloe.

“What’s up darlin’?”  He asked Chloe and put an arm around her shoulders and started to steer her towards a large sitting room.  Chloe looked over her shoulder with a bewildered grin at Rhys who followed close behind.  In the sitting room there were several serious looking men; having all appeared when the doorbell rang.  Julian had only answered it because he’d been walking past the door at the time it rang.  Normally security did those kinds of thing.  Julian walked into the room with Chloe, and Rhys continued walking past them up to a man seated in an armchair. 

“Christian.”  He said softly to the man and he nodded acknowledgement. “No one touches her without her permission.  You understand me?”  The man appraised Rhys and lit a cigarette nonchalantly. 

“We’ll see.”  He replied, obviously not concerned by Rhys’s obvious threat. 

“No one.  Touches.  Her.”  Rhys repeated and turned without waiting for a reply.  The other men looked at Christian and with a sign from him seemed to disperse to Chloe.  But Rhys noticed them taking up positions in the room.  Julian ignored the tension between his brother and his head of security, but Chloe was feeling nervousness in the pit of her stomach as Julian drew her attention to a painting of a woman in bright, unnatural colours.

“Genuine Matisse, pet.”  He told her with a grin and Chloe scrunched her nose.

“I don’t know nothing about art.”  She told him apologetically.

“Me either love, but I’m told it’s worth loads of bunse.”  He grinned infectiously and turned to Rhys.  “How’s Elsa?”  Chloe heard the deep interest in his tone, covered by apparent casual interest.  She was surprised to hear Elsa’s name, although it made sense that both brothers would know her.  She wondered if Elsa had slept with Julian as well.  Chloe felt a knot of jealousy as she looked over at Rhys.

“She’s doing well.”  He answered.

“O’ course she is.”  Julian answered softly, “Tell that fine looking woman to get that arse o’ hers out to Kent!”  He suddenly laughed, and Chloe found herself smiling in bewildered amusement at the way he spoke with such animation.

“I’ll pass on the message when I next see her.”  Rhys’s tone was fond but his face stayed alert, his body tense.

“She’s me drama teacher, so I see her a lot.”  Chloe added and Julian raised his eyebrows at her and then Rhys.

“Fucking school girls now?” 

“Well you do keep calling me a deviant.”  Rhys answered with no hint of emotion or concern. 

“Yeah cos you fuck lads.”  Julian answered, “Can’t understand that.”  He pulled a face, “But that Tom lad was quality.”  Julian mused.  “Never thought you’d go for a little school girly.”  Julian mused, “Figured you were one for older women.”  Chloe again felt the knot in her stomach and thought about Elsa.  “Now then let’s have a proper look at your girl.”  Julian turned to Chloe, “You’re a crackin’ lass aren’t you… I’d get a leg-over you girl.  Got a school uniform?”  He asked cheekily and Chloe turned her surprised face to Rhys and he gave her a wan smile.  She could tell that Rhys was on edge, ready to step in and put Julian in his place if she showed ant sign of wanting him to.  She didn’t want him to have to do that, so she gave Julian an unimpressed look and replied as if he was boring. 

“No…”  Chloe answered.

“O’ course not.”  He grinned broadly and in spite of her determination to keep him in his place she started to laugh at Julian, he seemed so harmless and joyous and she had no idea how to take him.  But anyone that could tease Rhys and actually get under his skin like Julian clearly did was bound to be good fun.  “D’you notice this place has got a working watermill?”  He asked Chloe and she nodded, having watched it with interest as they’d approached the house.  “Powers this whole house.”  He told her.  He didn’t tell her that it also powered the drug lab under the garage; he assumed that Rhys had not divulged this information to her.

“Really?”  Chloe asked surprised.

“So a fucking watermill gets your attention more than a Matisse, girl?”  He laughed and turned to Rhys, “Fucking nice thrupenny bits, though.”  Julian told Rhys and Chloe noticed Rhys’s face grow sterner still.  Julian laughed uproariously at his brother’s serious face.  “Oh c’mon!”  Julian appealed to Rhys, “I’m not sharking your girl!  Give us a smile!” 

“Where’s Nora?”  Rhys asked quietly and Julian grinned and nodded as if Rhys had made an interesting move in a chess game.

“Got bored of her.”  He shrugged and guided Chloe out through a beautiful kitchen to a magnificent swimming pool.  Rhys had expected a little bit of teasing and one-upmanship from Julian; it was his way.  “You could be swimming in that if you wanted girl.”  Julian told her.

“I didn’t bring me swimmers.”  Chloe responded, though the water looked inviting. 

“So?”  Julian asked and Chloe laughed and turned her eyes to Rhys as if to say ‘is he serious?’  Julian looked over at Rhys too, and grinned, “Get your kit off girl and have a swim.”  He turned his eyes back to Chloe and she shook her head. 

“No I don’t think so.”  She knew she should be angry or confronted or intimidated by him, but there was something so cheeky and loveable about his face. 

“Bit straight aren’t you?”  He asked her cheekily and looked at Rhys, “Had a bit o’ the north ‘n’ south on the ol’ hampton?”

“I fucking know rhyming slang, you know?”  Chloe said suddenly with a bemused grin and Julian turned his eyes back to her with surprise.  “And I’m here with Rhys, so you can stop showing off, cos he wins in my eyes.”  She kept the same amused tone and Julian looked at her as if enchanted, “and if your touch me again.  I’ll your thump your face.”  She stepped back from him and gave him a stern looking at, still clearly amused, but obviously not joking with him. 

“I like you.”  Julian said with a huge grin, “My brother needs someone like you.” 

“I mean it.”  Chloe told him seriously, “One more finger on me and I’ll hit you.” 

“I heard you girl!”  He laughed and held his hands up to indicate surrender.  He looked over at Rhys, “She’s a keeper lad.”  He looked back at Chloe, “let’s eat!” 

The started to head in to the kitchen and Chloe noticed that there were people following them everywhere they went.  Julian was talking now in a long animated monologue about London nightlife, Rhys making noises to indicate he was listening.  Chloe marvelled at how opposite the brothers were, but now that Julian had decided he liked her the affection the brothers shared was more obvious.  Rhys seemed to have little patience for the games Julian played and Julian enjoyed teasing Rhys; the dynamics of their relationship was fascinating to Chloe.  She sat at the kitchen counter on the stylish stool and watched the brothers cooking; Julian playing TV chef and explaining what they were doing. 

“Now a lot of people leave the spine of lettuce in when they cut it up.”  Julian was saying, “But that’s the bitter bit.  And I like sweet tasting things.”  He gave her a suggestive grin.  “And Rhys is toasting the bread on the grill with a bit of herb butter.”  Julian told her, “Makes the burgers a bit posh!”  Chloe laughed and kept watching, entranced by the men moving and talking in the kitchen.  Rhys spoke less often. But every time he did Chloe felt a warmth in the pit of her stomach.  The atmosphere was perfect, except for the men standing silently in the room.  Chloe was already thinking that children would be so intimidated coming to see their uncle Julian before she even realised what she was thinking and sharply stopped the thought in its tracks.  Christian was the worst.  He never took his eyes off her. 

“Right pet, here’s a nice beef and salad burger, with beer-battered chips.”  Julian grinned and put the plate in front of her, his hand snaking round her waist, “Now this is a garlic aioli; super posh!”  He pointed to the dipping sauce for the chips, but Chloe was looking down at his hand thoughtlessly on her hip.  He was a toucher, she could tell.  But she didn’t want to be touched by just anyone.  Still it was harmless, so instead if thump his face with all of her force, she slapped his face hard.  He looked at her stunned.

“I said no touching Jul-”  Chloe heard a loud snapping noise behind her and a muffled scream.  Julian’s eyes travelled to over her shoulder and looked unimpressed.  Chloe turned to see a man being held back by Rhys; one hand over his mouth, the other on his hand, bending the wrist back in an obvious break.  The man had clearly been reaching to touch hein some way.

“No one.  Touches.  Chloe.”  Rhys told the man and pushed him towards Christian.  Chloe’s eyes opened up in shock. 

“She hit Julian; she gets belted.”  Christian responded.  Chloe scooted closer to Rhys as he stood beside her but Julian laughed.

“She your future strife, lad?”  Jules asked with a grin.

“You shouldn’t let him hit people for no reason, regardless of who they are.”  Rhys answered.

“Oh I know!”  Jules answered, “But you know what he’s like.  So serious.  Like you.”  Jules shrugged, “But in all the years I been doing this, the fuzz still hasn’t even gotten close to catching on cos o’ him and the fine work he does.”  Rhys said seriously, “So he stays.  But lay off the girl Christian.”  His east end accent was less thick now; when he got more serious it faded slightly and his voice sounded more like Rhys’s.  Christian gave a single nod.  “She’s feisty.”  Julian said to Rhys and Rhys grinned grimly.

“Chloe is in the room, you can address your compliments of her, to her.” 

“Oh god baby brother, relax.”  He turned to Chloe, “I apologise milady.”  He said with a winning grin, “No more unauthorised touching, I swear.”  Rhys sat down beside her and Chloe noticed two men standing behind him now and saw the man with the broken hand getting up and being ushered from the room before she turned back to her food.  It felt tense and wary now, and all eyes were on her. 

“Anything new in your world?”  Rhys asked and Julian sat on the stool next to Chloe, and started eating before he spoke. 

“Peter’s dead.”  He said, Chloe saw a strange look on Rhys’s face.

“Good.”  He said softly and Chloe knew she needed to know more about this Peter.

“Accidentally shived in jail.”  Julian said with a grin.

“Accidentally?”  Rhys asked suspiciously.

“What you think your twin’s graduated to ordering hits?”  He asked and shook his head, “I’m disappointed in you.”  Julian leaned forward to grab a cigarette and lit it.  “No matter how richly he deserved it, I don’t do that.”  He lowered his eyes, “I sometimes wish I had in me to though.  He’d o’ been dead a long time ago if I did.”  Chloe was surprised to see Rhys nodding in agreement.  “And I’m heading to Nigeria.  Find out mum’s village.  See if we got grandparents or aunts and uncles…” 

“When are you going?”  Rhys asked with a clear longing to go with him. 

“Next month.  Come with.  I’ll pay.” 

“I’ll see what I can do with work.”  Rhys answered.

“I keep forgetting you got a job!”  Julian laughed, “Come work with me!”

“I like what I do.”  Rhys answered, “And I’m starting my own business soon.”

“What business?”  Julian asked with a sly grin, “Given your past careers, it could be anything!”  He laughed.  He turned to Chloe, “Go’ I wonder how much an innocent looking girl like you knows about him.” 

“Enough.”  Chloe answered with her chin jutted in her usual fake bravado.  She caught sight of Julian’s grin before she turned her eyes to Rhys and gave him a curious look.  He furrowed his brows in return to her silent question and she knew there was a lot she needed to find out about him and his past. 

“Just a gym.”  Rhys told him and took a bite of his burger. 

“Not just a gym.”  Chloe said, “it’s gonna be brilliant and I might even be a trainer there.”  She told him and Julian raised his eyes to Rhys and then looked back at Chloe.

“I’m sure you’ll be a great trainer.” 

“Oi you!”  She laughed, “I see that look on your face!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”  Julian grinned, “You got a mean slap.”

“Oh yeah, I’d give you a punch if you didn’t need all these men to look after you.”  She shot back.  “You’re obviously too fragile for a real fight!”  She goaded and he laughed.

“Obviously!”  He chuckled, Rhys shaking his head with a grim smile. 

 

 

They shared an enjoyable afternoon, laughing and joking, even Rhys started to laugh after a while and Chloe made up her mind that she liked Julian.  But she certainly did not like Christian or any of the men he hired. 

She sat with her feet up on the dashboard and the window wide open, as they drove back to Chop’s house in London, feeling oddly content.  She looked over at Rhys, grinning when she saw the hot pink nail polish she’d painted on his nails yesterday while they watched movies with the gang.  She noticed that Julian had seen the nail polish and rolled his eyes but hadn’t said a word. 

“Who’s Peter?”  She asked as gently as she could.  Rhys looked over at her momentarily and turned his eyes back to the road before he replied.

“Our step-father.”  Chloe had expected that answer and nodded.  She started to realise that there were a lot of things in Rhys’s past, and while he may have made peace with them, they still evoked emotions in him when he spoke about them.  It was so very obvious that he loathed Peter. 

“Then I’m glad he’s dead too.”  She said in support and watched the sad, but grateful smile turn up his mouth.  He turned his eyes back to her, and she saw that he loved her in that look.  They shared that silent moment of knowledge and love before he turned back to the road. 

“I suspect you’re wondering what my brother was referring to in regards to my past careers.”  He spoke softly and Chloe knew that he was concerned about how this conversation was going to go.

“I guessed that some of it would be difficult,” Chloe told him, trying to sooth his worry, “Surviving from the age of 12 on the streets o’ London.”  And suddenly it crashed into Chloe just what Rhys had probably had to do to survive.  If it wasn’t ending up in drugs like Julian, what else could it be?  “Prostitution?”  She asked him and he nodded slowly.  “Did…?”  She didn’t want to put voice to the thoughts in her head, “Did grown men…?”

“Yes.”  Rhys answered before she finished the sentence.  She looked out the window so he wouldn’t see the tears on her cheeks; her feelings about this didn’t matter as much as his.  She wiped her face quickly and turned back to him.  She didn’t know what to say.  “Also…”  Rhys took a deep breath, “Also live sex shows.”  Chloe’s eyes opened in surprise.  “And some pornos.”  Rhys furrowed his brows, “And a lot of illegal fighting rings.” 

“All before you were 18?”  She asked, guessing the answer.

“Yes.”  Rhys answered, “and some after too.” 

“What?”  She asked before she had chance to really think through that question. 

“The sex shows and illegal fighting.”  Rhys answered, “Paid off my mortgage very quickly.” 

“I thought you were a personal trainer.”

“From the age of 16, yes.”  Rhys said, “But it took me a few years to get enough clients to pay my bills.”  He told her, “So I supplemented my income until I was about 20.”

“Wow.”  Chloe barely breathed the word. 

“So it’s been a few years since I’ve done any of that.”  His eyes were glued to the road in front of them and Chloe could tell that he was concerned about what she thought of him.  She could also see that it was new for him to care what others thought of him. 

“Alright.”  She answered after a moment of consideration.  Rhys flicked his eyes to her.

“Alright?”  He asked, clearly unsure what she meant. A small smile touched her lips as she saw how she confounded him. 

“Alright.”  She repeated and pointed to the road.  Rhys turned his eyes back to the road.  “I know that a silly little school girl like me should be scared or shocked by your history.”  Chloe said, “And I guess I am shocked.  But I’m not scared.”  Rhys found a place to pull over and Chloe took her feet off the dashboard and undid her seatbelt.  He took his seatbelt off and turned his torso to her, clearly wanting to see her as she spoke.  She took his hand.  “I’m not scared of your past.  Or of you.  Or of your stupid brother.”  She told him, “Christian though…”  She raised her eyebrows and Rhys nodded in agreement. 

“I normally leave my past in the past Chloe.  It’s a habit, not something I have done by design with you.  I wasn’t trying to hide it from you.”  He told her, “Any questions you have, I will answer honestly.”  Chloe thought long about that. 

“Later on.”  She told him finally and leaned over the park brake to kiss him.  His hand rose to her face as he gratefully tasted her lips.  “Did you think I would reject you because of your past?”  She asked him, her hands on his face, their foreheads touching.

“I know you’re a better person than that.”  He said honestly, “but it has happened to me before.  So I have made a habit of not talking about it.”  He furrowed his brows, “So much of a habit that I feel queasy to speak of it now.” 

“Are you sure you’ve made peace with it Rhys?”

“I’m not ashamed of it.”  He told her, “And I’m happy with where it’s led me.”  He stroked her hair and she felt that he was making a point with that action.  “There are very few people whose good opinion I crave Chloe.”  He told her.  “You are one of those people.”  She took that in and it felt like liquor spreading warmth through her body, “So… anything that has any chance of lessening your opinion of me, no matter how slim… gives me reason to pause and to worry.”  She stroked his face comfortingly, “even things I am at peace with, give me a moment’s concern when it comes to you.”  He ran his fingers through her hair again, “I have never…”  He stopped wanting to find the most accurate words to describe it. 

“Felt this way before.”  Chloe finished his sentence and kissed him, not needing him to answer to know her words were right.  She carefully crept over the park brake and straddled him.  The seat was already as far back as it could go, so Rhys reclined it slightly to give her more room.  They kissed for a long time before Chloe reached down and unzipped his fly.  She slid his cock out of his pants and stroked it as it rested between her thighs.  Rhys’s hands found their way under her dress and he slid them around her underwear and gently slid a finger either side of her clitoris.  She groaned as he moved his fingers, her clitoris between them, back and forth along her slick cunt, each time his long finger slid forward the tips pushed into her cunt.  She leaned forward on him, her entire weight on his body as she gave in to the pleasure he was giving her, her hand clasping his hard cock firmly, but not moving; she couldn’t move, she could only groan in pleasure, her face pressed into his chest happily. 

“I want you inside of me.”  Her breathy voice made him groan in response.

“Can’t.”  He whispered back and stroked her hair as he brought her to a loud orgasm, her face still pressed against his chest.  As soon as her body stopped shuddering he slid his two fingers inside of her and she groaned and ground her hips into him, sitting up and looking down at him.   She stroked his cock and loved the way his fingers felt inside her, but she wanted more.  Kneeling to lift her arse off his lap she rubbed the head of his cock on her clit and he groaned deeply before she pulled his fingers out of her and pressed his cock to her cunt.

“Chloe, I haven’t got a rubber.”  He groaned.

“I’m on the pill.”  She mumbled, grateful that she’d started it up again when she started seeing Rhys.

“Chloe.”  He repeated more urgently.

“I trust you.”  She told him, “All that past you got… and I trust you completely.  I trust you’re clean.”  She told him, “I’m on the pill.  And I’ve got a bit of a past too.”  She told him, “D’you trust me?”  He nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving hers as she slid him into her.  They both shared a gasp of pleasure and then a gasp of surprise when a truck went past their parked car and made it rock.  They started to laugh and Rhys leaned up to kiss her as they made love on the side of the road.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Mutiny In Heaven’ by The Birthday Party _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcaXD--UINo>

 

Chop sat on the front stoop smoking a cigarette.  He scanned the road and was pleasantly surprised to see Kelsey wandering up the road, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and very attractive blonde girl wearing short shorts and a singlet.  Behind them Phil was laughing with a bunch of lads; each one of them carrying boxes of alcohol on their shoulders. 

“Arnie!”  Kelsey said happily and leaned to give him a quick hug.  “This is Andrea.”

“Oh!”  Chop grinned over at Phil, “Andrea, nice to meet you.”  They shook hands and Kelsey looked back at the lads.  “I think you know Ali.”  She pointed at a solidly built lad, already sporting a beard.

“Fucking hell!”  Chop laughed and jumped up to give Ali a hug.  “What the fuck you been up to, you splendid cunt?”  He asked. 

“Working the shop.”  He shrugged, “Parents are trying to arrange a fucking marriage for me.”  He grimaced. 

“Holy shit.”  Chop pulled a face of disbelief.

“Me girlfriend’s right pissed off.”  He shook his head.  “Thinking o’ moving out.”

“Aye.”  Chop answered nodding his head.  “Moving out was the best thing I ever did.”  Chop said, “No more three fucking brothers in the same fucking room with me!”  He laughed. 

“You got a flat mate?”  Ali asked hopefully, “I could get some work in Stamford…” He mused.

“Oh yeah I live with me fiancé.”  Chop announced and Ali clapped his back in congratulations.  “Looks like you lot are gonna have a fucking bender tonight?”  Chop noted the alcohol. 

“Just a bit of one!”  Phil grinned.

“You should come!”  Kelsey said to agreement from Ali and Phillip. 

“You can bring all your mates.”  She added. 

“Oh right?’  Chop asked, “Even Finn?”  Kelsey’s eyes strayed to her brother and then she shrugged.

“Yeah bring him.”  She said, “I’m honour-bound to hate him.”  She joked, “Cos o’ Phil.”  She looked over at her baby brother, “But he seems like an alright lad really.” 

“Alright.”  Chop said, “Well if we come we’ll bring some more booze.”

“You know how to make yourself welcome!”  One of the other lads piped in.

“Might even bring a spliff or two if you’re up for it?”  Chop asked.

“When am I ever not up for anything Arnie?”  Kelsey asked him with a grin, “And make sure you bring Izzy!”  She told him, “She’s the most interesting thing about you now.”  She kissed his cheek and took Andrea inside.  Phillip motioned for the other lads to go in, Ali saying a cheery goodbye before heading in. 

“Don’t bring the spliffs.”  Phillip said softly.

“You never had any pot?”  He asked and Phillip looked away silently.

“No.”  He said after a pause. 

“Well you gotta have some.”  Chop grinned, Phillip rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Loosen you up and you can get laid.  That Andrea bird’s alright.”  He offered Phillip a cigarette but Phil shook his head, “Booze’ll make you limper than a wet lettuce leaf.”  Chop said, “Stick to the pot tonight laddy.” 

“I’m not gonna… fuck… Andrea.”  Phillip still felt wrong talking about sex and girls in that way, even though all the lads around him did it. 

“You what?”  Chop asked confused.

“I’m not interested in her.”  Philip said, “And it’s not fair having sex with her if-”

“If this is about Rae mate, you gotta just stop.”  Chop said firmly, “You gotta go dip your wick in a girl who’s willing and forget about Raemundo.” 

“Raemundo?”

“Yeah.”  Chop said, “Look I know she’s a top bird.  But she’s built for my lad Finn, and I’ll knock your block off if you don’t stop it right lad?” 

“I could beat you in a fight Arnie!”  Phillip laughed and Chop considered their childhood; he might have been weedy but he had been a right proper scrapper.

“I should inform you that I have been doing boxing for the last four years.”  Chop told him with a smug grin.

“Oh fuck!”  Phillip laughed.  “Well that’s me done for.”  Phillip sighed and sat down on the stoop.  “Everyone wants to smash my face in.”  He stared off into space, “I don’t mean to love her, Arnold.”  He turned his eyes to Chop, “I been trying to stop.”  He took one of Chop’s cigarettes and Chop lit it for him, “But imagine tomorrow that you was told that you had to stop loving Izzy.”

“Aye it’d be impossible.”  Chop acknowledged, “But it’s different, I’m in a relationship with her.  You’re not with Rae, and you never have been.” 

“D’you know you loved Izzy before you were with her?”

“Yeah.” 

“Could you have stopped loving her then?  Before you ever had anything with her?”

“No.”  Chop admitted, “I tried, cos we was friends.”  Chop watched Phillip smoke inexpertly.  “I’m not saying it’ll be easy.”  Chop told him, “I’m saying you got no choice.”

“And I know that.”  Phillip said with lowered eyes.

“So go fuck Andrea.  It’ll help.”

“Not really fair to her.”  Phillip replied.

“If you tell her it’s a one of thing beforehand and you make her scream, I’m sure she’ll cope.”  Chop said kindly, “And wouldn’t you prefer to shag a nice girl than pine after Rae until someone cracks your skull?”  Phillip looked thoughtfully down at his cigarette.

“I don’t think I’ll ever take this habit up.”  Phillip laughed, “Even though I’ve been smoking most o’ these holidays.” 

“Phillip,” Chop said firmly, “I’m telling you this lad cos we used to be mates,” He looked at Phil’s face, “She’ll never choose you.  And I’ll always take his side if it comes to it.  If he decides to smash you one for hankering after his girl, I’ll be right there with him.”  Chop told him firmly.  “I don’t know how he hasn’t already done it.  If you looked at my Izzy like that, nothing’d stop me from slamming you.” 

“Rae stops him.”  Phillip said softly.  Chop furrowed his brows and watched Phillip butt his cigarette out slowly, pocketing the butt.  “Cos we’re mates.”  He added thoughtfully. 

“You think she stops him cos she got feelings for you?”  Chop asked, worry settling in his stomach.

“I dunno mate.”  Phillip stood up, “But until I do, I got hope.”  He started to walk away but Chop grabbed his hand.

“Have a spliff tonight, fuck a hot girl, forget Rae.”  Phillip looked down at Chop and smiled grimly.

“I’ll give it some thought.”  Chop watched Phillip go into his house and sat thoughtfully on the stoop, starting another cigarette after a few minutes. 

“Hello chum.”  Finn grinned and closed the door as he lit up a smoke and sat down beside Chop. 

“We been invited to a party at Kelsey’s.”  Chop told him.  Finn blew out his smoke with an unimpressed look.

“Oh aye?”  He looked over at the other house.  “Phillip know?”

“Aye.”  Chop answered and Finn chuckled cynically.

“Oh that’ll be fun.”  He shook his head.  “I might give it a pass.”

“No you’re going.”  Chop said, “And you’re gonna smash Phil’s face.” 

“You what?”  Finn asked him with a confused expression. 

“He thinks Rae likes him cos she won’t let you smash him.”  Chop said, “I know she’ll be mad, but you gotta do it so he backs off.”  Finn started to laugh and shook his head.

“It’s alright mate.”  Finn said, “I don’t care what he thinks.”  Finn drew heavily on his cigarette and looked out on the road, large bags of rubbish on the corner across the road had drawn a stray cat.  “And isn’t he your mate?”

“Yeah but you’re more me mate.”

“Right, well I’m glad, but-”

“You gotta do it or-”

“It’s not gonna happen Chop!”  Finn told him firmly. 

“What’s wrong with you?”  Chop asked with a scrunched up face of disgust.

“If he does something to upset Rae, I’ll hurt him in ways they haven’t even invented yet.”  Finn told him, “But him and his little crush are nothing to me mate.”  Chop looked at him with disbelief. 

“What if Rae does like him?”  Chop asked with a worried tone and Finn shrugged.

“She loves me.”  Finn told him, “That’s a lot better than like.”  He chuckled at Chop’s unimpressed face, “besides don’t you like Tammy at the chippy?”  Finn asked, “But you love Izzy.”

“Yeah she alright.”  Chop admitted, “But it’s different.”  Chop said animatedly, “Tammy and I barely talk.  Phillp’s in Rae’s ear all the time.”  Finn considered this for a moment and shrugged.

“I can only be the kind of man that deserves Rae’s love.”  Finn answered, “I can’t force her to love me.  Punching some twat cos he likes her… it’s just me trying to force Rae to love only me.  It’ll never work.  She’s too stubborn for that anyhow.”  Finn scratched his cheek and grinned at his girl’s stubbornness, “She’ll do whatever she wants, that’s her way.” 

“You really don’t care?”  Chop was utterly lost.

“Aye.”  Finn answered, not entirely truthfully.  Understanding that he was the sun and Phillip was the candle was one thing, getting rid of all of his fear was another; it didn’t just instantly happen, but it was slowly seeping out of his bones. 

“Don’t you just want this shit with Phillip to be over?”  Chop asked and Finn considered that.  He thought of how tired of it Rae looked in the shower when they’d last talked about it.  Some of that was dealing with his jealousy, no doubt, but some of that was also worry about her friend’s feelings for her.  He thought about Rae saying she just wanted Phil to be nothing more than a friend with no complications and telling her that he’d make it happen for her. 

“Aye that I do.”  He answered thoughtfully, “For Rae’s sake.” 

“Smash him and tell him Rae wanted you to.  It’ll be over.”  Finn considered this for some time, flicking away one butt and starting another.  Chop watched him think for a while then stared off at the cat wondering around starting to yowl loudly. 

“Hey you two, dinner’s up.”  Chloe poked her head out of the door.

“Thanks love, in in a mo.”  Chop replied and she nodded and closed the door behind her as she left. 

“I’ll back you if there’s any shit with his lads.’  Chop said, “But I doubt there will be when they see Rhys and Tom.”  Finn furrowed his brows.

“We’re not going over to his place tonight to smash him Chop.”  Finn answered, “That’s not fucking right.”  Chop thought about it for a moment and nodded his head shyly.

“Hadn’t thought it through.”  He admitted.

“Look, I’ll think o’ something to finish this.”  He said with a cheerless face, “You’re right, it’s gone on long enough.” 

 

 

The music was thumping out of the open front door loudly, Rae noticed a woman walking down the street giving the house a dirty look as the gang headed next door to Kelsey and Phillip’s party.  The house was filled with people, a song with so much screaming and brutal grinding music that Rae literally looked at the speaker with a surprised grin. 

“Who the fuck is this?”  She asked, Finn sharing her interest, looked around for the sound system.  He spotted it in the sitting room and picked up the CD cover.

“The Birthday Party.”  He said as the music cracked on, the lyrics making Rae open her mouth in surprise. 

“Did I just hear the words ‘spilt my heart to some fat cunt behind a screen?’”  Rae asked Finn and he nodded his head.

“I think he’s referring to a priest and confession.”  Finn answered and looked back down at the CD cover, “Mutiny / the Bad Seed.”  He said softly. 

“I think we need to get this.”  Rae found it to be compelling music, she looked back at the gang and saw Rhys and Chloe already dancing to the driving rhythm, Rhys actually singing along.  Finn looked over at Rhys, Chloe had bleached his goatee before dinner, ready to be coloured tomorrow.

“O’ course he fucking knows it!”  Finn laughed, “I always knew he were a bit of a punk.”

“Post punk I’d say.”  Rae corrected and Finn grinned at her. 

“It’s got a gothic feel to it as well.”  Finn said, “And all the religious imagery.”  Rae nodded and listened closely.

“He doesn’t sing, he spews all his ugly bits out.”  Rae said in marvel.  “I love it.”  Finn knew he’d be hunting this CD out at Red Eye and looked back to Chop, shoving a spliff in Phillip’s hand, Izzy already smoking one, sitting cross-legged on the floor.  Finn scanned the room unable to see Tom and Archie, but he saw Kelsey pressed against a wall with a fit looking lad’s hand down her pants.  He looked away and saw a blond girl sit down next to Phillip as he accepted Chop’s light.  Finn looked back to Rae as she looked through Kelsey’s collection of music in awe. 

“I haven’t heard o’ some o’ these.”  She said in a bewildered voice.  Finn furrowed his eyes and looked through the music and came to the conclusion that Kelsey knew her music too.  He managed to pull Rae away from the music collection and get her dancing to the music.  It was great music to make out aggressively too and their dancing ended up becoming quite intense, the rest of the house and people in it disappearing.  They didn’t even notice when Chop came over to offer them a spliff. 

When the CD stopped Finn went over to put a new CD on and Rae looked around the room, she saw the blond girl straddling Philip, making out messily and cocked her head to the side.  When Finn returned, having put on another one of Kelsey’s CDs they didn’t know, she pointed it out to Finn who shrugged and looked back at her to find she was looking towards the hallway.

“Let’s get a drink!”  She said over the music and took his hand.  They found the rest of the gang in the kitchen smoking joints and giggling, Kelsey and another girl had joined them.  Rae took the spliff when Chop offered it and Finn went through the fridge for something to drink; he wasn’t getting drunk tonight.  He had plans.  He pulled out two cans of coke and gave one to Rae as Andrea wondered in, her short shorts unzipped, but she didn’t seem to care. 

“You got any rubbers Kels?”  She asked Kelsey and Kelsey grinned.

“O’ course I do.”  She offered Andrea the joint and she took it, “Gonna pop that cherry hun?”  She laughed and Andrea laughed.

“You reckon he’s a virgin?”  Andrea sked and sucked on the spliff hard.

“I don’t really question me brother too closely about that kinda stuff.  But I reckon he might be.”

“You serious looking like that?”  Kelsey shrugged and Andrea leaned on the table in thought, “If he’s got his V-plates he hides it well.”  She said.  “But… I’ve never met a lad more cautious about doing it.”  She pulled a face, “Maybe he is.”  She shrugged.

“Happy fucking.”  Kelsey told her and she grinned.

“Fuck I hope so!”  Andrea said, “He’s so fucking fit.”  Chop looked over at Finn and Rae, but Rae was talking animatedly to Rhys about The Birthday Party and Nick Cave’s whole career and Finn was looking towards the hallway back to the family room.  Kelsey got up to take Andrea to get the condoms and Finn watched them go. 

“Back in a sec.”  He told Rae and sauntered off towards the family room before she had a chance to reply.  Chop watched him go, knowing Phillip was in that room.  Finn looked around the family room to find no sign of Phillip.  He decided to see if he’d gone upstairs and started climbing the stairs, assuming that Phil’s room was probably on the penultimate storey. 

He found Phillip sitting on his bed, his thumb on his lips, a look of concentration on his face.  He looked up when Finn closed the door.  Phillip furrowed his brows. 

“I know you’re waiting for that blond girl to come up.”  Finn said, “So I’ll be quick.”  Finn looked around his impressive room as he gathered his thoughts, “I want this thing with you and Rae to be over.”  He said.

“Oh right?”  Phillip scoffed and shook his head at the nerve of Finn, coming into his house to start shit.

“So what if you had a free run at her?” 

“What d’you mean?”  Phillip asked deeply suspicious.

“Second week back at school, you two is gonna be in London overnight, without me anywhere near you.”  Finn said with a strange look in his eye.  Phillip tried to predict what he was going to say, ready for some mocking or threat.

“Must piss you off.”  He retorted but Finn only smiled grimly in response and then nodded slowly. 

“A little.”  He said honestly, “But you know what, you should take her out to dinner.”  Finn saw the shock on Phillip’s face but pressed on, “Tell her how you feel.”  He told Phillip, “Read her fucking Shakespeare,” Finn laughed mirthlessly.  “No consequences.”  Finn told him, “I won’t ask what happened, and I won’t smash your face in for going after me girl.”  Finn leaned back on the door and folded his arms, his eyes resting steadily on Phil’s face. 

“What’s your fucking game, Nelson?’  Phillip asked seriously. 

“Get her answer.”  Finn answered and Phillip understood; if he had Rae’s answer this love triangle would be over. 

“What if she don’t give one.”  Phillip asked numbly.

“We both know she will.”  Finn answered, and Phillip nodded.

“Yeah.”  He said and lowered his eyes, “She won’t want to drag it out once she knows for sure.” 

“And we’ll both abide by her decision.”  Finn said, “Whatever it is.” 

“You only say that cos you think she’ll tell me no.”  Phillip said bitterly.

“Oh I know she will.”  Finn said cockily but Phillip detected a hint of doubt behind his arrogance.  It was small, but Finn did think there was some chance that this wouldn’t go his way. 

“You talk big, but I can see in your eyes that you’re worried.”  Phillip replied and Finn nodded.

“Course I am.”  Finn answered, “You actually have a lot to offer Rae.”  Finn told him honestly, “If she had never met me, I think you’d o’ made her happy.”  Phillip chewed the inside of his cheek, not sure how to take this. 

“I wish she hadn’t met you.”

“I know.”

“But…”  Phillip looked away, “I can see you make her happy.”  He admitted as if it caused him physical pain to say those words.  Finn raised his eyebrows and looked away. 

“Didn’t expect you to say that.”

“Well tonight’s been full of surprises hasn’t it?”  Phillip snarked drolly and Finn had to chuckled.

“Aye that it has been.”  He agreed.  There was a moment of silence as they both considered everything that had been said.  “Now there’s gonna be some rules for both of us with this dinner thing.”  Finn said and Phillip nodded slowly.

“Alright, let’s hear them before I decide whether to agree to this.”  Phillip folded his arms over his chest. 

“One,” Finn held up a finger, “We never talk about this again.  What happens at the dinner stays between you and Rae.  I don’t ask you what happened, you don’t brag about it.  The only thing I ever hear about this dinner after we finish this conversation, is what Rae’s decision is.” 

“Alright.”  Phillip said softly. 

“Two, if you do this dinner thing, you actually have to tell her how you feel in no uncertain terms.”  Finn said, “You don’t say ‘I like you’ cos that could mean as a friend, you tell her you’re in love with her.”  Finn said firmly, “You tell her you wanna be with her.  And more importantly, you give her a chance to answer you.” 

“Alright.”  Phillip took a deep breath.

“Three.  You don’t touch her-”

“O’ course you’d say that.”  Phillip said bitterly.

“Without her permission.”  Finn finished the sentence, “I don’t want you to take this as some invitation to try and shag her, right?”  Finn said almost aggressively, “You make sure you got full permission afore you touch her.”

“Of course!”  Phillip answered angrily, “I’m not a fucking rapist.”

“Alright.”  Finn answered Phil’s angry, protesting face, “Four, we both agree to live by whatever she says.  Her decision is utterly final, with no debate, and no second chances.”  They locked eyes and Phil slowly nodded his head.

“Alright.”  He answered stiffly.  “Even if she chooses me, not you?”

“Aye.”  Finn answered equally as stiffly as Phillip, “Even if she chooses that.”  He cleared his throat, “And five, I somehow have to convince Rae to go along with this too.”  Finn pulled a face, “Cos I want everyone informed about what’s happening.  You know, I know, she knows about the dinner.  I don’t want it sprung on her, that’s not fair.” 

“Agreed.”  Phillip answered and lowered his eyes thoughtfully.  “But if she knows what I’m going to say before I say it… it kind of defeats the purpose of saying it.  And it makes the days or weeks before the dinner very awkward.”

“Right.”  Finn considered this.  “Well…” He tried to think of a solution.  “I’ll just tell her you’re gonna talk to her about some important stuff?”  Finn asked and Phillip pulled a face.

“It’s an imperfect solution.”  He muttered.

“You think o’ something better.”  Finn answered snippily. 

“Yeah alright.”  Phillip acknowledged that there wasn’t really a better plan.

“And if she agrees I’ll let you know you got a green light to go ahead with the dinner.  If she doesn’t, we gotta think of another way to end this.”  Finn took a deep breath, “That’s it for rules I think.”  Finn said.

“Why are you doing this?”  Phillip asked defensively; he knew it couldn’t be for his own benefit.

“My girl wants you to be her friend.”  Finn said, “And I told her that I’d make that happen.”  Finn said honestly.  Phillip furrowed his brows.  “I’d do anything for Rae.”  Finn said, “Including giving you a chance to really talk to her about this whole thing.  So it can finally be done with.  And you can just be a friend to her, knowing that there’s no chance…”  Finn lowered his eyes.

“So sure o’ the outcome.”  Phillip looked away, shaking his head.

“I can’t know what she’ll decide for sure.”  Finn countered, lowering his cocky air.  Phillip looked up at Finn and saw that doubt again. 

“You’re willing to do this even though you’re not 100% sure she’ll choose you?”  Phillip asked, genuinely surprised.  Finn shrugged.

“I’m 99% sure.”  He pocketed his hands, “But yeah… even with the possibility that she might have feelings for you, and you might actually have a shot.”  He confessed, “I’d still be doing this, cos she’s tired of it Phillip.”  Finn looked up at him, “If you care about her, you’ll help me end this.”  Finn held out his hand to shake and Phillip looked at him for some time before slowly extending his hand.  They shook hands and Phillip stared thoughtfully at Finn for a moment before lowering his eyes.

“Alright.”  He said to Finn, “If Rae’s amenable to your plan, I’ll help you end this farce.”  He looked up at Finn, “But I’m gonna romance the hell outta Rae at that dinner.”  Phillip told him.

“I’d expect no less o’ you.”  Finn answered and Phillip saw that there was even more worry in Finn’s confident demeanour now.  “So I’ll talk to Rae, and our fates will be decided by her.”  Finn turned to open the door.  “Is it that Andrea girl coming up?”  Finn asked and Phillip nodded, “She wants you.”  Finn told him.

‘I know.”  Phillip answered uncomfortably.

“Let her have you.”  Finn said.  “It’s summer break.  Have some fun.”  Finn left the room without another word and Phillip watched the door swing slightly in his wake, unable to believe what he’d just heard.  A few minutes later Andrea came up into the room.  She closed the door behind her and slipped off her top immediately before tossing a whole box of condoms to him with a smutty grin.

“Let’s see what I can teach you lad.” 

 

 

Finn saw that Rae and Rhys still in deep conversation, Chloe and Izzy were watching Chop, Tom and Archie attempting to do Irish dancing to the heavy post-punk rhythms strangling through the house.  Finn’s eyes lingered on Rae, her animated face, the way she moved as she spoke excitedly.  Rhys was laughing and enjoying her talk and it occurred to Finn that there really were an infinite number of men that could have made Rae happy in some way; Rhys was another.  Rhys was possibly better equipped mentally for her issues, he was calmer, he had music knowledge, he was roguishly good looking, especially with the split eyebrow he had right now.  Yes, he’d have made her happy.  Finn looked over at Chop.  Chop could have made her happy too.  But when she turned to look at him and her whole face lit up he knew.  He knew that poor Phillip didn’t stand a chance and that Finn was sending him to get his heart ripped out at this dinner.  Finn was the one for Rae, and he knew it. 

“Poor Phil.”  Finn muttered to himself, but didn’t feel much sympathy for him as Rae motioned for him to come over and wrapped a warm arm around his waist.  He only half listened to the conversation as he tried to figure out a way to raise this topic with Rae.  He knew his plan was sound, mature, gentlemanly even.  But none of that meant she’d like it.  He knew it put her in a very awkward position and that she’d have to endure a dinner from hell.  But it really was her place and her place alone to put Philip in his place.  And at the end of it, it’d finally be over. 

 

Almost two hours later Chop was animatedly telling the tale of what had happened in Bagleys to Kelsey and a couple of her friends, the gang all adding in their own bits as he spoke.

“Who’s telling the fucking story?”  Chop snapped at Archie after he interjected again.  They were all laughing and drinking beers, the rest of the party happening around them. 

Phillip wandered into the kitchen with only his jeans on, the button undone, and went to the fridge to grab two cans of coke. 

“Hello baby brother!”  Kelsey said loudly and Phil turned to her, opening one of the cokes and taking a long swig. 

“How’s the party going?”  He asked and leaned over the kitchen counter.

“How’s Andrea?”  Kelsey asked.  Phil looked away and bit the inside of his cheek.

“I think she’s sleeping.”  He answered as he looked back to her.

“D’you wear her out?”  Chop laughed loudly and Phillip looked away again, but was unable to hide the grin.  The minute that grin started to form Chop was laughing louder.  “Yeah!” 

“Alright.”  Phillip waved him off with furrowed brows but still not able to wipe the grin off his face.  Rae looked over at him, but she could tell he was deliberately not making eye contact with her.  She looked back at Finn who was looking at the table apparently disinterested. 

“Gotta keep your sugars up!”  Chloe was ribbing Phillip now with a huge grin.

“Alright alright!”  Phillip laughed and shaking his head, started to head back to the stairs. 

“Going in for another round!”  Chloe called after him.

“How worn out is the poor girl?”  Chop asked to Phillip’s back as he kept laughing and shaking his head.

“You lot are hopeless.”  He told them with a laugh as he left the room.  Kelsey watched him go with a grin.  She’d hear all about it from Andrea, which was gross, because he was her brother, but also good, cos he needed this.  He needed to realise there were other girls in the world, as lovely as Rae was, and Kelsey sure did like her a lot, there were other girls. 

“I don’t understand the heterosexual need to give each other shit because you had sex.”  Tom mused.

“Cos sex is fucking awesome.”  Chop answered, “No matter how many times you do it.” 

“Yeah.”  Tom nodded his head, “I know… why does that lead to the ribbing though…?”  Chop gave him a look of incredulity.

“You’ll never understand the heterosexual male mind.”  Archie laughed and Tom looked back at him with a grin. 

“Why wouldn’t you?”  Chop asked him, “Fucker got laid!”  Chop answered as if that explained it.  Tom shook his head with a bemused look of confusion. 

“Boys.”  Chloe shook her head, Izzy and Rae giving her a knowing look. 

“Straight boys.”  Archie said and Chop gave him a scrunched up look.

“Straight teenage boys.”  Tom added with a wry grin and turned his eyes to Rhys.

“Straight teenage white boys.”  Rhys laughed and Finn and chop turned their eyes to Rhys and then Archie. 

“What?”  Archie asked.

“Well that’s two thirds you.”  Finn said.

“Yeah, you’re practically in the club.”  Chop laughed. 

“Right so I’m supposed to get excited that Philly got his dong diddled then?” 

“Dong… diddled?”  Rae asked with a huge incredulous grin, “The joke writes itself Archie.” 

“Boys are so disgusting.”  Izzy told them with an unimpressed look.

“Oi you three talk about the size of our cocks!”  Chop retorted, “You don’t see us doing that.”  The girls looked at him for a moment and started to laugh. 

“What?”  Chop asked.

“Well yeah!”  Chloe laughed, “cos we don’t have cocks for you to talk about!” 

“Oh shut up!”  Chop shook his head, “You know what I fucking mean!” 

“Oh no Chop.”  Rae said feigning innocence, “Please do tell.”  Chop saw three sets of eyes on him and turned to the boys for assistance.

“You’re on your fucking own!”  Finn told him when Chop turned to him.

“Ah excuse me?”  Chloe asked.

“No he’s not!”  Rae told him.

“Archie.”  Izzy said sweetly, intuiting the best way into this discussion, “Don’t these two make you talk about all sorts o’ things you’re not interested in.”  Archie raised his eyebrows in surprise at the way she was worming her way in. 

“You’re fucking evil Izzy!”  He said with a laugh. 

“Aye you got no idea!”  Chop laughed, “She looks all sweet an innocent.”

“But she’s the most deviant of us all.”  Rae laughed and took a big gulp of her drink. 

“No really, uncle Archie.”  Izzy ignored everything they’d said and kept her eyes trained on Archie, “Tell us a thing or two about what they make you talk about.”  She said it indulgently, as if she were giving him the chance to finally get something burdensome off his chest.  Archie looked at everyone, Tom bemused, Rhys slowly shaking his head also bemused, Finn and Chop giving him a forbidding glare, while the girls all smiled sweetly and invitingly. 

“Tit for tat Fanta pants.”  Archie told Izzy.  “You tell me something, I tell you something. 

“That’s thrown the cat amongst the pigeons!”  Kelsey laughed, her mates were all in the sitting room dancing and drinking, but she found this odd little group of people infinitely more interesting to sit and listen to. 

“NO!”  Five voices rose in unison, Tom and Rhys laughing at the panic Archie’s proposal had raised in them. 

“I guess that’s that done with then.”  Archie grinned triumphantly.  Izzy shook her head at having been outsmarted by him.

“You win this time, four eyes!”  She laughed.

“Who you calling four eyes?”  Tom asked, “Two ears!”  They all started to laugh.

“Oh yeah, well you’re a one nose.”  Izzy returned.

“Well I never!”  Tom feigned shock.  “You fucking head-neck.”  They started to make up non-insults in rapid fire.

“Two boobs.”  Chop threw in.

“Fucking one dick.”  Chloe insulted Tom. 

“Oi you arm-hand!”  Finn threw at Rae. 

“Knee-thigh.”  Rae returned.  They shot pretend insults around the table at each other.

“You ten toed, one-tongued, man child!”  Izzy shot at Tom.

“Holy shit it’s getting serious now.” Archie laughed. 

“Man child?”  Tom laughed, “I’ve never heard anything more accurate in my fucking life!”  He looked over at Rhys, “face hair.”  He said and Rhys raised his eyebrows.

“Bone joints.”  He returned.

“Oh that hurts!”  Tom joked.

“Yeah Rhys!”  Chloe hit his arm, “You can’t insult people for what’s inside o’ them!”  She laughed. 

“Unless it’s small dick.”  Kelsey said and was met with a moment of silence before the girls all started cackling. 

“Fair call.”  Tom chuckled and nodded. 

“’ere but does size matter that much?”  Chop asked Kelsey and she nodded.

“Yes.”  She told him, “Yes it does.”  She lit up a cigarette and passed one to Chop and Finn.  “Loads of women will say it don’t.”  She told him.

“But it does.”  Tom agreed.  “I think even more on the gay scene.”

“But it’s not like guys think it is.”  Kelsey said, “Too big is just as bad as too small.”

“And width is most important.”  Tom backed her up.  She nodded. 

“And how you use can make up for being a bit short.”  She said to Tom who shrugged.

“Yeah I suppose so.”  He agreed and Chop considered this and nodded satisfied.

“Alright then.’  He grinned over at Izzy who gave him a reassuring look. 

“You ever had a cock that were so small you just had to stop yourself from laughing?”  Kelsey asked Tom and Tom nodded.

“Ever had one so big you didn’t know how you were gonna get it in you?” Tom laughed.

“Yep.”  She laughed.  “It just ended up being so painful cos he fucked like a jack hammer and I swear to god he was perforating me fucking stomach lining!” 

“Should o’ gone anal!”  Tom said, “The anal and rectal passage is slightly longer than the vagina.”  He nodded sagely. 

“Really?”  Kelsey asked surprised.

“Yes but the vagina has a greater capacity to elongate during sex.”  Rhys added softly before looking up at Kelsey, “Sex should never be painful, regardless of penis size.”  She raised her eyebrows.

“Getting schooled!”  She laughed.

“If he’d warmed you up properly it wouldn’t have hurt.”  Rhys continued and Kelsey considered this while the gang looked at Rhys, Chop scrunching up his nose when he remembered what Chloe had said about Rhys’s size.

“And I suppose you’d know.”  Kelsey said, “In my experience, the taller they are…” She looked down towards his groin, hidden by the table, and gave a suggestive wink. 

“Ah no, but research indicates that height, ethnicity, weight, age, size of your feet… none of that has any correlation to the size of your cock.”  Tom said sadly.  “I used to keep myself well informed about this stuff, read all the latest journal articles on it.”  He told them, “There’s nothing worse than taking a guy home for the night and being disappointed by his cock, so I was trying to find a way to know what I was in for before I had his gear off, you know?”  Tom sighed, “But that’s all behind me now.’  He looked over at Archie, “I’m like an old married man.”  He grinned as Archie leaned in for a kiss. 

“Fucking hell.”  Kelsey laughed, “One night with you lot and I feel like I’m a walking encyclopaedia!” 

“You should come hang out with us in Stamford!”  Izzy told her. 

“Well I’m gonna be around there for the next couple o’ months, so I might see you around!”  She grinned in reply. 

“What you got on in Stamford that you can’t do better in London?”  Chop asked.

“I got commissioned to paint the wall on the community arts centre.”  Kelsey told him.

“Wait that went ahead?”  Rae said over the top of Chop’s congratulations. 

“Yeah.”  Kelsey looked confused.

“I thought…” Rae looked at Finn and he looked as bewildered as her.  “I thought that Janice weren’t working there no more…”

“You know Janice?”  Kelsey exclaimed excitedly. 

“Aye she used to rent the room at me house.”  Finn said and Kelsey turned her eyes to Finn thoughtfully. 

“So…?”  Rae asked and Kelsey turned her eyes back to Rae.

“She did quit yeah, but they couldn’t find someone to replace her, so she’s just started doing both jobs.”  Kelsey told them, “First thing she did were call me to do the artwork, got the news this morning!  Thus the party.”  Kelsey grinned, “She said she were going back to Stamford soon for a visit and I’m gonna meet up with her, see what she wants for the commission.”  Finn and Rae exchanged a look and Kelsey saw how surprised they were, “She said she were hoping to catch up with some friends as well.”  She told them, hoping that’s what they wanted to hear. 

“Aye I hope so.”  Finn said thinking of his dad. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Venus as a Boy’ by Bjork _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z5aPaDwAkU&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z5aPaDwAkU&feature=kp)

 

Rae and Finn had slipped out of the party at midnight; Finn had been thinking of the bag of toys they’d gotten from Fettered Pleasures.  A certain toy in the bag had given him some ides that he wasn’t willing to wait till Saturday to try out.  Whispering that in her ear had resulted in a very hasty exit from the party, led by Rae. 

He looked through the nondescript bag of toys and found out the several lengths of silky rope he’d picked up.  He fingers slipped over the soft twine and he was reassured that these wouldn’t hurt her.  She sat on the bed watching him, biting her bottom lip in expectation.  He brought the rope back to the bed and she smiled.

“Good choice Finlay.”  She told him and took one of the lengths of rope, running it between her fingers. 

“D’you know why I told you to keep your mouth shut at the show?”

“Cos that’s what a sub does.”  She grinned and Finn nodded slowly.

“That’s part of it.”  He said, “I been thinking about it, cos I love the way you do bang on.”  He told her, “You’re so beautiful when you’re excited about something and you go on and on.”  HE grinned fondly, “But when I’m in charge in sex, I don’t want a word outta you.”  Finn touched her face, “I figured out it’s cos, you being submissive, is so opposite to what you really are… when we’re playing that game… we’re kinda opposite to how we really are.”  She nodded understanding.  “Like, neither of us in charge really, but when we’re doing that… one of us is in charge.”  His fingers travelled down her face to her neck, “And so… I like making you opposite to how you really are for that game.” 

“It’s like role laying.”  Rae told him and he nodded.

“So I tell you to keep your mouth shut and sit like a lady and open your buttons up and-”

“Wait are you saying I’m not a lady?”  Rae asked with mock anger.

“You’re not really, are you?”  He asked, “But I like that.”  He grinned and Rae raised her eyebrows at him.

“Not putting me in the mood Finlay.”  She told him and he looked away to hide his chuckle.

“Rae, I’m not exactly a gentleman either.”  He told her and she shrugged.

“I think y’are.” 

“Liar!”  Finn watched her trying to keep the grin off her face.  “Anyway, the point is…”  Finn said as she turned her eyes to him, the same look on her face, “We can be whoever we want during these games.  Even the complete opposite of who we are.” 

“That’s true.”  She agreed.  “So what’s the game tonight?”  She asked curiosity getting the better of her.

“Well I were thinking… you can even be yourself while you’re playing these games.”  He let his head drop to one side, “or be a little bit of everything.”  Finn looked at her, and Rae could tell his mind was ticking over, “There’s more than one way to tie you up.”  Rae felt her stomach clench in excitement. 

“More than one way to tie you up.”  She added.

“Not tonight.”  His eyes dropped to her mouth.  “Tonight’s all about you.”  He kissed her lips before she had time to question him about that.  He pulled his shirt off as she pulled her own shirt off, their lips instantly coming back together.  Finn stood up and Rae joined him, still kissing, her hands happily sliding over his naked torso.  Finn wasted no time in getting her clothes off; they both preferred being naked nowadays, so his ongoing excitement about her naked body was well satisfied. 

“Let’s have a quick shower.”  He said and she followed him without question.  Finn took his time to slowly wash her entire body, right down to her feet, ae watching him and wondering what he had planned.  When it came time to wash Finn, he did it himself, quickly and disinterestedly.  His eyes stayed on her face, the intensity was incredible, and Rae knew whatever it was he was planning to do tonight, he was aching to do it. 

When they got out of the shower, Finn started to dry her as well, something he had never done before and Rae was really starting to enjoy the level of attention he was paying to her.  although she worried that it meant that what was coming was to be very rough indeed if he was being this careful with her now.  Once again when it came to himself her was speedy, he dried himself haphazardly, his focus entirely on her.  The towels were left on the floor and Finn led her back into the bedroom, Rae’s stomach fluttering with anticipation and a little bit of fear of what he was planning to do to her. 

Finn gently tied the rope around her wrists and Rae watched the way he tied the knots closely; she’d have to know how to do this to him eventually.  She laid down on the bed, her hands tied in front of her and Finn knelt over her, kissing her deeply, his hand moving up her body, catching hold of her tied wrists and continuing up her body, raising them above her head.  Finn took another piece of the rope and tied Rae’s wrists to the headboard of the bed.  He stood up and looked at her stretched out on the bed, her hand twitching already. 

“You’re so beautiful.”  He told her as he took a long time looking at her body.  Rae watched his face, marvelling that he was still as excited by her as she was by him.  It had been eight months since the first time they’d had sex, but still he looked at her as if it was the first time he’d seen her naked.  He knelt at the bottom of the bed and took one of her feet in his hands.  She giggled as his fingers touched the ticklish underside.  Gently he started to massage her foot, his strong fingers cleverly finding out the best parts, his eyes watching her face closely for every sign of pleasure.  Gauging what was more pleasurable, what was less so. 

“Tell me what you like?”  His voice was husky and she groaned lightly in response.  He could tell that she liked it when he rubbed the balls of her feet more than the arch of her feet, but she preferred the heel being rubbed more on her right foot than the left.  He rubbed her ankles softly, less sure of how to rub her legs than her feet.  She was watching him through hooded eyes, making small noises of pleasure.  But this was a muscular pleasure, not entirely sexual, and that was ok.  There was more than one way to give pleasure.  He took one foot in his hands and ran his finger lightly down the arch and she pulled back giggling. 

“Too ticklish!”  She almost squealed when he did it again and she laughed loudly, pulling on the rope.  He grinned at her response and this time moved his finger slower over her foot and she didn’t pull away, but she did groan; clearly surprised.

“That’s really nice.”  She said breathlessly.  Finn bit his bottom lip and put his other hand to her other foot, slowly moving his fingers, softly over the bottom of her feet.  She closed her eyes and groaned.  The soft slow way he moved his fingers over her feet sent shivers up her legs to her groin.

“I like that.”  She whispered and Finn watched her lick her lips slowly.  He slowly raised her one foot up to his mouth and kissed the top of her foot.  She laughed softly and opened her eyes to see him lick down her foot to her toes.  She started to squirm and giggle as he took her big toe into his mouth.  She squealed loudly.

“FIINN!”  She screamed before dissolving into giggles.  He chuckled as she squirmed and then yanked her foot from his hands.  He gave her a slightly pouty look and laughing she put her foot back in his hands.  He bit his bottom lip and she looked down at him, still chuckling, wondering what he’d do next.  He put her foot up to his mouth again and she instantly started to giggle loudly, squealing when she felt his breath on the bottom of her foot.

“Finn!”  She was already laughing loudly before he’d even touched her feet.  He gave her a cheeky wink and gently bit the arch of her foot.  She squealed louder than before and yanked her foot away again, squirming wildly and laughing loudly. 

“Alright girl?”  He chuckled.

“Fuck you!”  She said through her giggles.

“Later.”  He grinned cheekily and took her other foot.

“Oh no!”  She started to laugh instantly.  He put her foot to his mouth and she squirmed, again instantly giggling.  Finn licked the arch of her foot softly and her foot flinched but she didn’t pull away.  She whimpered slightly, her toes scrunching.  It was so ticklish, but she could just handle it, and to her surprise, his tongue on her foot made her clitoris ache to be licked.  She watched him lick her foot more firmly and stopped herself from yanking her foot away with the ticklishness. 

“I like it.”  She said through gasping giggles.  Finn licked along her foot to her toes and she started to squirm again, scrunching her toes together.  She tried to un-scrunch her toes and kept squealing every time his mouth came close to engulfing her toes.  She wanted to masturbate while he did this.  She pulled at her ties and watched Finn’s cheeky grin broaden at her struggles.  She groaned again as his fingers started to explore further up her legs, gently rubbing the muscles.  She felt the calf muscles of her one leg wanting to relax while the foot of her other leg was being licked and bitten and making her body flex in ticklishness.  Rae closed her eyes and tried to get her urge to scrunch up her toes under control and the minute she straightened them he had taken them into his mouth.  She whimpered loudly, trying not to squeal again.  She laughed again as he managed to suck all of her toes and gave her a triumphant grin. 

“What are you doing to me?”  She giggled as he kissed her ankle passionately.

“Worshipping you.”  He breathed, his eyes crawling slowly up her body to her face.  He gently massaged her calves, he learned quickly that she didn’t like him to go too hard on her calves but soft gentle stroked made her smile, and he felt the tension from the ticklishness leaving her body.  He kissed her shins with his mouth fully open, his wet tongue slathering across her skin, his lips dragging as he moved up her leg.  Rae started to breath deeper in anticipation for that mouth coming higher.  His fingers gently traced across her other shin, sending ticklish tingles up her legs again.  He heard her groan deeply and understood that anticipation was building.  When he reached her knees he found that behind her knees were very sensitive.  His fingertips sent her off into fits of giggles again, but his tongue made her groan loudly. 

“Oh I like that.”  Her breathy voice made his balls ache; when she spoke like that he knew she was deeply aroused and that her pussy would be wet and ready for him.  He groaned in response, but knew he had a lot more to go before he could even think of any pleasure for himself, other than the pleasure of seeing her like this and knowing that he could do this to her.  He scooted up the bed to kiss her lips and she was surprised, having expected him to kiss her thighs next.  He ran his hands up her tied arms.

“Your arms ok?”  He asked her and she nodded.  Finn looked up at her hands, “I’ll have to give them a bit of nibble later on.”  He told her and grinned as he licked her inner elbow and she groaned lightly and enjoyed the smell of him as he leaned over her, his mouth journeying along one arm, his fingers gently tickling the other one.  He travelled down her arm towards her armpit and Rae watched as he looked up at her. 

“I like your smell.”  He told her and let his tongue softly lick her sensitive armpit.  She gasped with surprise; it tickled and she hadn’t expected him to do it. 

“What does it taste like?”  She asked astounded that he was doing this.

“Like your sweat.”  He said, “It’s nice.”  He kissed and licked her more and she moaned; the ticklishness was squirming through her body in little ecstatic tingles.  “D’you like it?”  He asked her and she nodded, biting her bottom lip.

“I never thought I’d be licked there though.” 

“Is it weird?”  He asked his fingers still caressing her other arm gently. 

“Aye.”  She answered, “In a good way.” 

“So I should do it again?”  He asked her as he lowered his mouth to her flesh she nodded, closing her eyes as he started to kiss her again, his mouth travelling down her side, licking and biting the flesh at the side of her breast.  She shivered happily, her heartbeat speeding up slightly as he continued down the side of her body to her hips.

“I really, really like that.”  She groaned and he groaned in reply, opening his mouth wider, kissing slower, revelling in the taste of her skin as he slowly kissed back up to her underarm.  He paused and looked at her face, stroking her hair for some time before kissing her neck passionately Rae raised her chin and turned her face away to give him the best access possible and groaned happily as his tongue traced along her earlobe delicately.  He closed her eyes, felt his body rubbing against hers as he sought to find all the places on her neck that gave her pleasure.  When his fingertips gently stroked the back of her neck along the sides and she sighed, he took note of this; he would have to kiss her neck from behind.  Sometime in the future he’d hopefully tie her up face down and do all of this again, but not tonight.  He knew that doing anything face down would inevitably lead to some sort of anal play, and he was staying away from that at the moment, after having a think about it and deciding that her ultimatum of having to take it himself if she did was her way of putting the brakes on.  He wasn’t sure if it would be a permanent putting of the brakes on, he had decided not to focus on that issue, but instead to back away from that whole thing entirely for her.  His used his fingers to gently stroke the sensitive skin at the back of her neck and she groaned. 

“How you feeling?”  He asked her and she opened her eyes slowly.

“Really nice.”  He voice was soft, almost delicate; she was lost in the sensations of her body.  He kissed her mouth before letting his mouth happily explore her other arm and side, slowly, carefully, noting that her right side was more ticklish.  He enjoyed the way his fingers rose over the curve of her hip, the shape of that curve was the height of feminine to him, and when he put his lips to that part of her side and she made a happy noise in the back of her throat, he knew that Rae was meant to be touched like this, her body was built to be worshipped.  And to Finn, the place where her waist swelled out to her hip told the entire story of masculine desire for the feminine. He let his tongue lick along that swelling, and his insides tensed as his cock throbbed, peaking the pleasure of his aching for her.  He had to put hi great effort to slow down; he was starting to rush his kisses, his caresses weren’t properly lingering.  He was getting too excited.  He returned to her legs again and Rae groaned as he licked behind her knees again.

“Arms still ok?” 

“Aye.”  She whispered, “But I so wanna touch you.”  She whimpered, “Or myself.”  She sighed as his hands started to massage her thighs.  “Or both.”  She groaned as his fingertips gently grazed her labia.  He desire was slowly building and he suspected she’d be begging before the end of this even though it was not his intent to make her beg.  He let his fingers only barely touch her inner thighs and saw her shiver with delight as his finger traversed upwards, her breath starting to come in groaning gasps of yearning.  He started to kiss her thighs, with no intent to make her want oral sex, with only the intent to find every hidden spot of pleasure on her body.  The result was Rae tilting her pelvis up towards his mouth far sooner than usual, her chest heaving, her mouth open with desire.  She pulled at the ropes and ground her hips rhythmically as Finn carefully kissed every part of her thighs he could reach without turning her over. 

“Lick it.”  She whimpered as his face came closer to her vagina.  And he did, slowly licking her labia, but not parting them to taste her honey just yet.  She groaned loudly, “Please Finn.”  She whispered.

“Not yet.”  He reassured her that it would eventually be happening.  His hands caressed her sides again as he kissed her stomach.  Rae looked at him passionately licking, biting and kissing the roundness of her stomach.  The first time he had done that she had blushed with embarrassment and wanted to cover up.  Now she watched him with desire and bliss; a hedonistic sense of carnality and sensuality blotted out all her previous ideas of what her body should look like before it could be touched like this.  She felt ever bit like the goddess he was worshipping.  The round fecundity of her belly only served to highlight how much worship she deserved.  She felt like some fertility goddess; the fullness of her figure ensured prosperity and plentiful crops for all men who bowed before her.  Of course, only Finn got the pleasure of worshipping her.  And he made it quite obvious that it was a pleasure.  His hands finally held her breasts and gently massaged them, the pressure of her breasts pushing into her chest as his hands pressed themselves into her breast was exquisite in a way it never had been before.  Rae arched her back and thrust her chest up to him and he groaned happily as his mouth finally caught up with his hands and his sucked happily on her nipples. 

He spent a long time exploring her breasts, more than he actually needed to discover that the sides of them were very sensitive, before finally making himself stop kissing her breasts and instead kiss along her collar bone, and back up to her mouth. 

He looked over at the clock; he’d spent just over an hour kissing and caressing her whole body and she looked relaxed, peaceful, but extremely turned on and ready to fuck.  He went back to the bag of toys they’d bought and Rae lifted her head to try and see what he was getting out.  He fingers twitched again, she wanted to get up and go over there and see what was happening.  He turned to her with the vibrator egg he’d chosen.  It was waterproof, and the packet said it was good for vaginal, anal or clitoral stimulation.  It had a remote control and was made of smooth black silicone.  There was a mini one for the clitoris and a larger one, roughly the size of an actual egg, for inserting into your partner, it even had a waterproof string to help you pull it out.  Rae bit her bottom lip and wondered what he was going to do with it.  He left the larger one behind and only brought the small one with him, the remote control could be clicked to control one egg or the other or both simultaneously. 

“Arms still ok.”

“I’d like to be untied.”  She told him and he grinned.

“No, I don’t think so.”  He said softly and she pouted.  “I’m still in charge tonight Rae.”  He added cheekily, “So you’ll stay tied up for now.”  She groaned and pulled a little at the ropes, she wanted to touch him so badly.  “Open your legs.”  His voice was soft and commanding in a subtle way that Rae knew came from his assuredness that she wanted to do what he was asking.  As she parted her thighs Finn knelt between them and slowly, carefully parted her labia, she sighed, hoping he’d go down and maybe put the egg in her cunt.  But he pressed the egg to the side of her clitoris and closed her labia, gently holding her lips closed over the egg.  He looked down at the remote control and pressed the first setting.  Rae instantly gasped.

“Holy fuck.”  She whispered as the vibrator sent a rapid fire succession of small stimulations through her clitoris.  He was glad for the size of Rae’s outer labia because when he took his hand away they held the small bullet in place perfectly.  He supped that’s why the smaller bullet was shaped the way it was, so it could be hands free like this. 

Finn began his journey again, Kissing her feet, but this time she was groaning throatily as he sucked the toes on one foot, his fingers gently caressing the other. 

“Do you think you’ll cum from this?”  He asked her.

“Any second now.”  Rae groaned breathily.  Finn turned the intensity of the vibrations down and she looked up at him angrily.

“Not just yet.”  He told her.  “Alright?”  She rolled her head back and groaned angrily.  This time Finn’s journey was deliberately quicker; he was re-visiting all the places that had made been pleasurable to her before; licking and gently biting the most sensitive places, kissing and caressing the rest of her.  BY the time Finn had gotten to her knees she was already groaning loudly, the tiny vibrating bullet doing its job perfectly.  He continued up her thighs, licking the insides lavishly, feeling shivers travel through her body in response.  He could smell her excitement, her sex, as he drew closer to her cunt. 

“Your smell.”  He whispered.  “Intoxicating.”  His face hovered near her vagina, taking in her scent before he passionately kissed her labia. 

“Finn please!”  She groaned as he stopped and started to kiss up to her stomach.  He increased the intensity of the vibrating egg slightly and she gasped in pleasure.  He felt her stomach tense underneath him and knew her orgasm was peaking again.  He lowered the intensity again and her breath came in ragged gasps as she groaned his name.

“Finn!”  And he was back to being lost in the swell of her hips, the roundness of her stomach, the fullness of her breasts.  The rhythmic way her body moved as the lower setting slowly crawled her towards orgasm was enthralling and he found himself groaning a lot more; struggling to not just thrust into her as she writhed in mounting ecstasy.  He kissed her lips and stroked her hair and she looked at him imploringly. 

“Please.”  She whispered and he nodded.

“Alright.”  He told her softly and got off the bed.  She groaned loudly as he went back to the bag of toys.  But this time he came back almost immediately, with the larger egg.  She sighed with disappointment as he turned off the smaller egg and gently removed it.  He ran his fingers along her wet cunt and slowly inserted a finger into her.  She was perfectly wet, it took everything in him to not start fucking her immediately.  Kissing her whole body, touching all of her, it made him want her so much; she was so sexy.  He bit his bottom lip and made himself simmer down slightly.  As he felt her thrusting against his immobile finger.  He withdrew his finger and gently inserted the egg into her.  It was strange to be putting something in her like this, and very, very erotic.  He turned the egg on with the remote control and she groaned.

“Which do you prefer?”  She asked her.

“The first one.”  She breathed, “But this is good too.”  Finn nodded and lowered his mouth to her cunt.  He licked along her labia as he increased the intensity on the egg.  Gently he parted her labia and licked the full length of her cunt, not yet even grazing her throbbing clit.  As his tongue headed south again he noticed he tilt her pelvis up, practically giving him a formal invitation to lick further south.  He paused, licking her perineum, wanting to try it, but also wanting to stick to his decision to back away from all anal play for a bit.  She tilted up further, her legs straining with the effort, her desire obvious, but he resisted, believing it better to give it a break for a bit.  She moaned, frustrated, but the frustration was quickly gone as he sucked gently on her clit.  She groaned loudly, her hands starting to pull violently on the ropes.  She loved to touch him when he went down.  And this was the main reason he’d tied her up, he got too excited when she pulled his hair during oral sex and would rush.  He wanted to be down her for a good long time.  HE settled in to a comfortable position and started to lick the very tip of her clitoris with the tip of his tongue.  She tensed up and her legs shook. 

“Already?”  He asked disappointed but she gasped.

“No.”  He looked up at her, “No, just couldn’t help it when you did that.”  He nodded and tried it again.  He pulled back the clitoral hood slightly and licked again, this time she flinched.

“Too sensitive!”  She said with a surprised gasp and he stopped, making a mental note to not do that again.  He licked along the sides of her clitoris and she groaned happily; he already knew that she liked that, but he wanted to know everything about her vagina.  He tried circling his tongue around her clit.

“Are you trying to fucking torture me?”  She almost yelled at him.  He grinned.  That was one to remember for when he next wanted to tease her.  He sucked on her clit again, moving it between his lips garnering a loud appreciative groan from her.  He sucked a little harder and was greeted with another groan.  He turned the egg up and took a moment to look at her pussy again.  As he perused her, he heard her groan like she did when he fucked her into orgasm.  He saw her stomach tense and her head roll back.  A vaginal orgasm.  Her clitoris would be even more sensitive now.  Same as after she had a clitoral orgasm her vagina was always more sensitive.  That’s how her lady bits worked; Finn had learned that too.  He waited for the orgasm to ebb before he dove back in to exploring her clitoris when she gasped and her body was rocked by another orgasm, her stomach spasmed slightly with the force of it.  He didn’t want to turn the egg down, he wanted her to enjoy this, so instead he turned it up and she groaned loudly, the pitch of her voice rising.  He shook his head, exploration was over for tonight, he’d have to do this again.  And again.  To learn everything he wanted to know.  She was having a loud, powerful vaginal orgasm when he started to lick her clit again and her pitch and urgency went up another notch, her voice growing ragged as she screamed in pleasure, her hands straining at the ropes, desperately wanting to touch him.  She came again. This time her legs shaking violently, her while body seeming to spasm , her voice lost in now silent gasps, petering out to whimpers as the bullet just kept vibrating away in side of her, making her have another vaginal orgasm before Finn had even fully sat up.  He turned off the bullet and her tense body went limp, her breath coming in short, loud gasps.  He kissed her lips, and she returned his kiss violently, enraged that she couldn’t touch him.   He withdrew the egg slowly and enjoyed the look of her cum glistening on it.  He put it on the bedside table to be cleaned later.  He looked down at her, her eyes pleading with him to untie her, her body flush with orgasm.   She was so stunningly beautiful. 

“Can I have you?”  He asked, sometimes the disbelief that he got to be inside of her would wash over him so strongly that he thought he’d wake up from this dream at any moment. 

“Yes.”  She answered commandingly.  She seemed to always in charge, even when he had her tied down.  He grinned, accepting that with no qualms, no worries, no arguments, as he leaned down to kiss her lips hungrily.  His hand searched around on the bed for the mini egg as they kissed and as soon as he found it he sat up, kneeling between her legs he laid it against the other side of her clitoris and turned it on the low setting.  She instantly groaned and he was very happy with his decision to get the vibrating eggs.  He’d be using them a lot.  He looked down at her vagina and rubbed his cock against the opening, teasing himself and laughing as he heard her groan and pull at the ropes again. 

“Until me Finn!”  She ordered and he shook his head.

“Not a chance!”  He slid into her and she gasped as she always did when he entered her.  That small inward gasp of breath.  He could feel the vibrator through her body and his cock tingled.

“Wow.”  He chuckled.  “Wow.”  He repeated as he turned the intensity up and she groaned almost deliriously.  He had intended to spend a long time fucking her, trying to find what angles she liked, what way to trust, how to grind his hips to give her the most pleasure.  But that was another thing that he consigned to another day, another time.  Now he’d just try to last as long as he could as he upped the intensity again and started to thrust into her quite hard.  He leaned down to kiss her and felt the on his pelvis and groaned as it sent shivers through his body.  His weight pressed the egg harder against her clitoris and within minutes Finn heard her groans deepen and felt her legs asking violently, her cunt contracted around his cock in a powerful orgasm he turned up the intensity to the highest level and he himself groaned loudly, the vibrations felt like there were inside of him, it felt almost like a continual orgasm and he gasped, almost unable to keep thrusting, the pleasure becoming so intense.  He noticed Rae making loud, squeaking noises, her legs shuddering, her cunt still spasming.  He came with an incredibly loud groan, his orgasm seeming to last for much longer than he was used to.  He collapsed onto her and flicked the egg off, her body again going limp.  They both lay immobile, gasping and exhausted. 

“Holy fuck.”  Finn marvelled. 

“Good choice Finn.”  Rae agreed panting heavily.  He grinned happily and kissed her lips messily, moving almost as if he were drunk he was that exhausted.  He reached up and untied her from the bed.  She lowered her arms over his neck, her wrists still tied and held him to her kissing his lips passionately, glad to be able to touch him and hold him.  He gently extracted himself so he could untie her wrists and the minute that was done she was kissing him passionately again. 

“That was so good.”  She told hm.

“Good orgasms?”  He asked with a proud face.

‘Not just that.”  She told him, “All of it.”  He stroked her face gently and smiled, satisfied. 

“It was very much my pleasure.”  He told her as they settled down into a hug.  “I very much enjoy worshipping you Mrs Nelson.” 

“Well I very much enjoy you doing it.”  She told him sleepily.  He yawned, he wasn’t usually so tired after sex but it was nearing 3am; they’d been at it for just over two hours and they’d been partying up a storm for the past few days.  They were both in desperate need of sleep. 

“We should shower.”  Rae said without moving, her eyes closed. 

“Aye.”  Finn agreed, knowing that he’d left a huge mess between her legs.  But she was already drifting off to sleep and Finn soon followed. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Cantaloop’ by US3 _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwBjhBL9G6U&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwBjhBL9G6U&feature=kp)

 

August the 21st dawned and no one stirred until late morning.  Except for Rhys, who went for a jog alone; Tom was otherwise engaged with sleeping in after another big night. 

When Chop finally came down the stairs mumbling and grumbling about how bright it was he was surprised by them all sitting at the kitchen table around a cake with 18 candles on it.  Chop’s face lit up as they all rowdily sang happy birthday to them as loud as they could. 

“So we got the whole day planned.”  Izzy said with a grin as Chop put his arm around her shoulders.

“Oh right?”  He asked merrily.

“First we got a nice pub lunch, paid for by Rhys, and all the drinks.”  Chop’s favourite kind of meal was a pub lunch.  He grinned from ear to ear. 

“And I paid for your membership renewal at the boxing joint.”  Rhys told him and Chop gave a happy nod.  “Happy birthday.”

“Aw thanks mate!”  Membership at that place was expensive, “But I’ll be changing over to your place when it opens, right?” 

“If you wish.”  Rhys answered.

“What d’you mean if he wishes?”  Tom laughed, “Of course he does!” 

“S’right!”  Chop agreed.

“Anyway.”  Rhys nodded at Izzy and put the attention back in the right place. 

“Thankyou Mr O’Daire!”  Izzy replied with her best serious face, “After a nice pub lunch, Finn and Archie are taking you out to get…?”  She looked at them and Archie shrugged.

“I’m just paying my share, it was Finn’s idea.”  He looked over at Finn.

“New tyres, flash rims, and a new radio system for your car.”  Finn grinned, “I’m sick o’ listening to crackles in the tunes every time you drive us anywhere.” Chop laughed; Finn had been whinging about that for as long as Chop had had a car, and to be honest he hated it too, but he hadn’t fixed it just to rile Finn up a bit.  It was the new tyres and rims though, that he was most happy with. 

“Thanks lads!”  Chop looked back to Izzy.

“It’s important to have a good rim job.”  Tom said almost innocently and Archie did an admirable job of keeping a straight face when Chop replied.

“Agreed!”  Obviously not catching the joke, Rhys gave Tom a look from the corner of his eye and Finn and Rae lowered their eyes.  “I always wanted good rims.”  Chloe cleared her throat and Izzy, also completely oblivious continued. 

“Tomorrow us girls are taking you out to buy you a couple o’ tailored suits.”  Izzy told him and his eyebrows raised in surprise, “By the end o’ the year, you’ll be owning your own business Chop.”  Izzy grinned, “You should look the part.” 

“We’ll probably get you a good set o’ shoes too.”  Chloe mused as she started to sized him up.  Chop turned his eyes to Rae and she shrugged.

“You did look good in a tux.”  Rae said, “So I reckon a suit or two wouldn’t hurt.”  He chuckled.

“Well if Raemundo’s in on it, I got no hope of squirming out of it!” 

“Don’t you want a nice suit?’  Izzy asked with furrowed brows.

“It’s not the suit I don’t want, it’s the shopping.” 

“We’ll be as quick as possible!”  Chloe laughed while Izzy scrunched up her nose.

“Why do boys hate shopping?”  She grumbled and Chop kissed her cheek.

“I think it’s a grand pressie though.”  He told her, “When I need to do business meetings and maybe get partners in or something.  I’ll look right swish.”  He looked at Chloe and then Rae. 

“Especially with Chlo and Iz dressing you.”  Rae grinned, “I’m not gonna try.”  She shook her head with a knowing grin; it wasn’t her forte. 

“And Tom here…”  Izzy turned to Tom and Tom lifted up a brown paper bag.  He pulled out an A4 sheet of paper, the white rabbit from ‘Alice in Wonderland’ was printed on it and Chop noticed that the paper was perforated so as to make dozens and dozens of small thumbnail sized squares.

“LSD.”  Chop breathed with a surprised face. 

“This is 100 hits.”  Tom said and then pulled out another piece with Alice on it, Chop’s mouth dropped as Tom then another with the Cheshire cat.  300 hits in total. 

“Holy fuck.”  Chop laughed, “I’ll never use this much.”  Tom raised his eyebrows and chuckled. 

“See how you go, you’ll probably need a couple o’ tabs each time.”  He reached back into the bag and produced a one kilo bag of marijuana buds.

“Oh fuck it’s head!”  Chop laughed and Archie put his hand on Tom’s leg to stop the inevitable joke.  He saw Izzy looking at him confused, “We usually just get the leaf cos it’s cheaper.”

“It’s also weaker.”  Tom added.  “And this particular strain of marijuana is called ‘Purple Haze.’”  Tom said with a knowing grin and watched Chop’s face light up, “Cos I know how much you love yourself some Jimi Hendrix.” 

“I’ve heard this shit’s strong.”  Chop marvelled.

“Yes.”  Tom agreed.  “And last but not least.”  He took out a bag off pills, “It’s only 50 pills, but I figured that’s enough.” 

“Ecstasy.”  Chop took the bag.  “I feel like a fucking dealer with this much shit!”  He laughed.  “You are one well connected man!”  Chop laughed and Tom shrugged his eyes going over to Rhys who was well aware of where Tom got all his drugs; his brother Julian. 

“Now I don’t have to tell you to use responsibly do I?”  He asked and Chop shook his head.

“I’ll be good.”  Chop grinned.

“And after dinner at a nice Indian restaurant.”  Izzy said, “Courtesy o’ me.” 

“You know me soft spot for curries!”  Chop laughed.

“We’re off to…?”  She turned to Rhys.

“Camden Catacombs for an illegal secret gig.”  He reported with a grin.

“Catacombs?’  Izzy said unhappily, “like with dead bodies?”

“They’re not really catacombs Izzy, just tunnels for carriages.”  He told her and she grinned in relief, but Chop was still marvelling at this latest present.

“Where the fuck did you get all your connections ya splendid cunt?”  Chop asked. 

“I grew up in London.”  Rhys told him, “I am well familiar with her dark nether-regions.”  He said with a grin. 

“Fucking hell!”  Chop said happily, “I’m in for a fucking blinder!”

“The gig starts at about midnight and has no ending time.  Rhys said, “They tend to go until some mug calls the fuzz.” 

“So in theory…”  Chop said, “I could be off me face at this thing till it’s time to drive home… nice.” 

“No!”  Izzy slapped his arm.  “Right let’s have some cake and watch a movie before we head to the pub, yeah?”

“Is it chocolate?”  Chop asked and she nodded, “Perfect breakfast.”  He saw Tom scrunching up his face, “Fuck off health boy!”  He told him and Tom laughed, “It’s me fucking birthday, you’ll eat the fucking cake.” 

“Yes sir!”  Tom answered while Finn and Rae gathered plates and cutlery, everyone else settling into their seats. 

“Don’t let the knife touch the bottom or you won’t get a wish.”  Rae said as she handed him the knife.  Chop raised an eyebrow at her and she looked at him with a very serious face that made him wonder for a moment if she was serious about this.  He cut the cake, not worrying about her warning.  “Oh you touched the bottom, goblins are gonna eat your face now.”  Rae said, “That sucks.” 

“Oh well.”  Chop said, “I got chocolate cake.  That’ll have to do.”

“As a face?”  Izzy asked and Chop screwed up his face at her.

“No not as a face…”

“Imagine if you did have a cake for a face.”  Rae asked, “People inviting you to parties just so they could eat your face.”

“Birds dive bombing you to pick bits off.”  Archie put in.

“Ants.”  Izzy added.

“You’d want it to be a replenishing cake face wouldn’t you?”  Rae said, “Otherwise it’d be gone in a day.” 

“And then you’d be Chop.”  Izzy looked at him, “Faceless.”

“What’s your marriage gonna be like, with a faceless man?”  Chloe asked as she ate the cake. 

“Well I suppose I got no choice but deal with it do I?”  She replied, “I should have said I’d only marry him if he had a face.”  Izzy sighed. 

“Imagine the wedding photos.”  Chloe mused.

“Imagine the wedding kiss!”  Rae laughed. 

“Imagine-” Chloe was cut off by the doorbell and Izzy got up to go and get it, Chop and then the rest of the gang following behind. 

“Hi neighbour!”  A middle aged man with glasses stood on the doorstep, “I live just two doors up the road.”  He pointed to the opposite side of the street at a house with an immaculately kept stoop. 

“Hi.”  Chop said, coming to the door behind Izzy.

“Hiya.”  Izzy said at the same time. 

“I’m just doing a quick zip around, knocking on all the neighbours’ doors.”  He nodded his head slightly anxiously, “doing the neighbourly thing.”  He added.

“Uh huh.”  Chop looked at him with mild interest, “What’s up?”  Izzy looked behind herself at the rest of the gang making themselves comfortable in the front sitting room.

“Just wanted to let you know a couple of us have seen an unsavoury sort about the place recently.”

“Oh right?”  Chop crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the man.  The rest of the gang listened on with interest. 

“Unsavoury?”  Izzy asked confused.

“Oh yes.”  The neighbour replied, “Quite unsavoury.  I saw him about this morning and I knew I had to warn everyone to be extra vigilant with these kind about.”

“And what kind is that?”  Chop asked, thinking that he might already know the answer.  The gang were all looking towards the door now, not able to see the man standing on the stoop, but hearing what he said.  Finn furrowed his brows and looked back at Rhys.  Rhys lowered his eyes and nodded slowly to himself.

“Oh you know.  Just the kind o’ man that could slice your throat in your sleep!”  He tried to say the words in an almost joking manner and laughed awkwardly.  “You know how you can tell just by looking at some people that they’re dangerous?”  The man asked with a sheepish grin.

“Nope.”  Chop replied, “You’ll have to be more specific.” 

“Just a giant of a black man.”  He laughed nervously again and Chloe’s eyes turned to Rhys.  Rhys stood up and took a deep breath.  Chloe looked down, her head trying to scramble through what she was hearing.  Finn stood up but Rhys motioned that it was alright and he didn’t need back up. 

“I got this.”  He said softly to them, “No need to get up.”  He added firmly and Finn sat back down reluctantly.  Rhys looked back at everyone, and saw the same reluctance to stay out of it from all of them, but he always tackled things like this alone; it was what he was accustomed to.  Chloe watched him go to the door, wanting to go with him, but also wanting to respect what he had said.

“A giant of a black man?”  Izzy said shocked.

“I know, it’s a little scary having a huge man like that around.  But I have called the police and they have assured me that-” The neighbour froze as Rhys came into view behind Chop and Izzy. 

“D’you mean me?”  He asked calmly.  The neighbour’s eyes got wider for a moment before he shook his head nervously.

“No.”  He said simply, “No.”

“So there’s some other giant of a black man hanging around Herbert Crescent?”  Rhys asked in a sceptical tone.

“Oh sorry!”  The man scrambled nervously “I… I meant to say he was wearing black clothes.”  The man stammered and Rhys scoffed.

“Oh right?” Rhys answered unimpressed.  “Did you know that last financial year there were 12, 199 racially motivated crimes in this country?”  Rhys asked him, “And research indicates that over 60% of us ethnics don’t report it to the police.”  Rhys said.

“Well…”  The neighbour stammered.

“But why would we when in March just last year the United Nations condemned our national police force for the much higher levels of police brutality against non-white people than whites.”  Rhys told him, his arms crossing over his chest, his stern face growing colder.  “There were 57 deaths in custody last year and ethnic men where over-represented in those deaths.”  The neighbour clearly hadn’t expected this response and was trying to smile magnanimously.

“I really did mean black clothes.”

“I’m glad.”  Rhys said, “Because every ethnic family in the UK gets harassed because of racism on average once every 9 days.”  Rhys looked him up and down, “How often are you harassed?” 

“Well.  I-I…”

“I’m guessing never.”  Rhys answered, “Me on the other hand?”  Chloe’s eyes went up to Rhys as he spoke, she stood up and went to stand beside him, choosing to ignore his insistence of handling it alone.  “I was searched this morning by police officers, while I was just out for a jog.”  He shrugged, “but I’m used to it.  Because as a black man I am 5 times more likely than you to be stopped and searched.  I hope it makes you feel safe at night,” Rhys was on a roll now, “that while non-white people make up only 5% of England’s population, we represent over 16% of the prison population.”

“Well maybe you stop committing so many crimes.”  The neighbour blurted out, and then looked like he instantly regretted it.  But Rhys just chuckled.

“Blacks have a 23% greater chance of getting a prison sentence than whites under similar circumstances.”  Rhys took a step forward and the man stepped back, nearly stumbling off the top step.  “Looks to me like I should be scared of you, not the other way round.”  Rhys kept his eyes on the neighbour and didn’t move an inch as he stammered and fidgeted.

“I-I am-”

“Leave.”  Chloe said to the neighbour firmly.  His eyes flicked from Rhys to Chloe and he nodded slowly as he stepped down the stairs.  He was walking back to his home when he started muttering about being threatened in his own street.  “He’s gonna call the cops.”  Chloe sighed.

“Let him.”  Rhys said with a calm voice, but there was no denying the angry undertone.  He took a deep breath and turned to Chop, “I apologise for that.”  Rhys told him, “Let’s not let that fuckwad ruin your birthday, mate.” 

“D’you really get searched this morn?”  Chop asked and Rhys nodded.  “Fuck.”  Chop looked over at the gang, who were all looking shocked and thoughtful, “I never been searched.”  He said, “They probably should’a searched me…”  He shook his head.  “And all that stuff you said was true?”

“Yes.”  Rhys answered simply; he was also accustomed this response from those not familiar with race relations in the UK.  Archie thought back to the way Tom’s parents had been, and the look on Chloe’s parent’s faces upon seeing Rhys on the summer ball night. 

“This shit happens to you all the time don’t it?”  Archie said.

“And you.”  Rhys deflected the attention off himself; he was in no mood for this discussion after dealing with the neighbour, “When you’re holding Tom’s hand.  Haven’t you noticed?”  Archie nodded, he had noticed. 

“You should o’ seen it when Rhys and I held hands!”  Tom laughed, “It’s like the conservatives were having a fucking aneurysm every time we went by!”  Rhys started to chuckle.  “They had double reason to hate you, Rhys!”  Tom laughed and Rhys joined in.  Chloe felt a huge wave of admiration sweep through her; that he could laugh in the face of so much hatred was remarkable.  She wrapped an arm around his waist and he pulled her into him happily. 

“Well any fucker gives my man Rhys trouble, and I’ll knock his block off!”  Chop declared and Rhys had to hold back a laugh as he nodded.  Rhys was half a foot taller and a good 50 kilos heavier than Chop, and he had over ten years of fighting experience under his belt; Chop had about four and a half.  But the visual humour of that threat was quickly forgotten as Rhys took in the love and acceptance of this group of people; they were all agreeing with Chop, loudly and vehemently. 

“Thanks guys.”  He replied seriously, Rhys had a lot of friends in his life, but none that he had allowed to defend him because he always did that himself; this lot were offering anyway and he knew it wasn’t just empty words.  “So what movie Chop?”  He turned to Chop and he shrugged with a cheeky grin.  He went over to the rentals they’d picked up yesterday and pulled out the movie they all knew he would: ‘Police Story 4.’

“I love Jackie Chan!”  He said happily. 

“Careful mate.”  Finn said, “You’ll get me hankering to try and learn those moves again!” 

“Fuck yes!”  Chop laughed, “I’ll go ya!”  Chop put the video in the machine, “Did you keep learning that stuff Rhys?”

“Yeah.”  Rhys answered, “For the past year.” 

“So you’d be right good at it?”  Chop said.

“No.”  Rhys answered with a chuckle, “You need years to study martial arts, and my instructor says I lack the right type of finesse.”  Rhys gave a slight shrug.  “I have a lot to learn.” 

“Aye but you can still teach us?”  Finn asked hopefully.

“Imperfectly.”  Rhys answered with a shrug, “But sure.”  Finn and Chop shared a grin.

“I’m Jet LI.”  Finn told Chop.

“Fine with me, I’ll be Jackie Chan.  And I’ll kick your arse!”  Chop boasted.

“Jackie’s good, but there’s not way he’d beat Jet in a fight.  Jet Li is so fucking fast.”  Finn answered animatedly.

“Yeah and I’ll be Bruce Lee and kick both your arses.”  Tom took the remote control from Chop and pressed play. 

“Fuck off!”  Chop laughed, “Who’s Rhys and Archie then?” 

“Archie’s Chow Yun Fat.”  Tom answered, “Best known for his more serious roles but unexpectedly kick your arse at any moment.”

“More likely to use a gun.”  Chop added with a grin.  Izzy watched the trailers while Rae watched Finn enjoying the conversation.  Chloe was thinking on what had happened before; her mind replaying what the neighbour had said; he’d expected that because Izzy and Chop were white, it’d be ok for him to say that… Why would he think that? 

“And Rhys is…” Tom mused, “A mixture of Yip Man, cos he taught Bruce Lee, and any master of Krav Maga!”  He laughed and Rhys chuckled appreciatively. 

“What’s that?”  Chop asked.

“Israeli national forces martial art.”  Tom answered, “It has pretty two purposes; to teach you how to kill someone and to survive if some tries to kill you.  It’s pretty fucking brutal.”

“Did Rhys teach you?’  Archie asked surprised.

“Some.”  Tom answered, “But mostly my father insisted I learn boxing from about the age of eight.”  He shrugged and looked over at Rhys.  “This fucker over here didn’t start till he were 14 and he’s still better than me.”  Tom sighed, “Fucking natural talent.” 

“I was doing street fighting from 12 though.”  Rhys reminded him.  “Learned that the hard way.”  Chloe’s eyes turned to him and understood that he’d had to learn it by being thrown into illegal fighting rings. 

“Movie!”  Izzy told them all and they all turned their eyes to the tv. 

“The best thing about it being me birthday is that I can make you all sit here and watch this with me!”  Chop grinned and hugged Izzy to him; she usually did sewing when he watched these movies.

“I’ll even say I loved it.”  She told him.

 

 

 

 

_ “Little Baby Swastikkka’ by Skunk Anansie _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBINfmb7tWE&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBINfmb7tWE&feature=kp)

 

Lunch had been a happily rowdy affair with plenty of food and beer.  Chloe had noticed their table getting a few looks and couldn’t decide if it was the prodigious amount of noise they were making that was drawing the attention their way, or something else.  She wanted to believe that the patrons she saw eyeing them were just annoyed at the volume of their laughter as they chortled happily at Chop’s tall tales and daft jokes. 

“Well it must be my turn to go to the bar.”  Chloe said when she saw Chop drain his pint. 

“”Need a hand?”  Rhys offered but she shook her head and kissed him before heading up to the bar.  She waited at the bar for a few minutes while the bartender served another patron. 

“What can I do you for love?”  His face crinkled up in a kind smile.  Chloe ran through the order with him and asked for a tray at the end of it and he set about making all the drinks while Chloe looked back at her table of friends.  She enjoyed seeing Rhys laugh like this; he was really loosening up around them, but she could still see the general alertness in him; always ready for anything.  She looked around at the pub; moderately busy; most of the tables were occupied. 

“D’you get split in two fucking a big black cock?”  The hair on the back of Chloe’s neck pricked up and she turned slowly to see two girls at the bar beside her, both with huge mocking grins. 

“Your bang hole must be the size of the Channel Tunnel.”  The brunette girl sniped. 

“Ah you’re just jealous your lads can’t make you scream the way he could.”  Chloe tried to brush it off. 

“I wouldn’t wanna fuck some fucking minging coon.”  The blond said with a sneer.  Chloe felt an unexpectedly huge upsurge of rage rush into her veins.

“The fuck you say?”  She sounded like Finn when his temper was getting the better of him.  Dangerous.

“Don’t you feel dirty touching that fucking ni-” Chloe’s hand had struck out before she was even fully aware that she was going to slap the brunette. 

“Don’t you fucking dare say it.”  Chloe breathed in a threatening one.  The brunette’s hand shot to her face in surprise and back at the table Rae shot to her feet.

“Fucking hell!”  Her eyes took in Chloe squaring up against two girls at the bar.  The rest of the gang turned in time to see the brunette grab Chloe by the hair and reef her forward.  Chloe’s hands shot to the girl’s hands to try and get them off her. 

“Oh my god!”  Izzy said in a worried tone.  Rhys was on his feet and took a step towards them but stopped when Chloe raised her knee brutally into the brunette’s ribs.  He stopped and watched her, pleased that she’d gotten her head back into the right space.  She kneed the brunette again and again before the brunette let go.  Finn started to step forward but Rhys stopped him. 

“What the fuck man, that’s your girl!”  Finn exclaimed angrily. 

“Look at her form.”  Rhys answered, “She’s got this.”  Finn stared at him, confused, and Rhys shook his head, “There’s nothing more empowering than knowing you can take of yourself, Finn.”  Rhys told him, “Let her know it.”  Finn looked back at the fight and saw Chloe swing her elbow around into the brunette’s face as she started to untangle her hands brutally for Chloe’s hair.  The brunette stumbled over and Chloe kneed her in the gut, pushing her onto the ground.  She looked up at the blond, a wild rage in her eyes. 

“You next?’  She asked the blond girl loudly.  The blond stared at Chloe in surprise as the brunette slowly started to get to her feet.  Chloe could feel the eyes of the patrons on her and it pissed her off even more.  “Don’t you just sit there staring at me!”  She yelled angrily.  She turned to the bartender.  “You fucking heard what they said.  And you did nothing.”  She turned and looked at the patrons that were staring, “None of you did nothing while these two slags said the fucking shit about my boyfriend!”  Rhys felt a pain in the pit of his stomach as he understood why Chloe had gotten into this fight.  “You’re all as bad as them if you don’t say shit about it.”  She turned back to the blond.  “Wanna tell him to his face what you said?”  Her eyes went to the brunette. 

“Fuck you.”  The brunette spat at Chloe and Chloe went to lunge forward but Rhys stepped in between them, his back to Chloe. 

“Back off.”  He told the two girls calmly. 

“I’ve got this!”  Chloe shouted angrily.

“I know.”  He said over his shoulder to her, but a man had stood up and was eyeing off Rhys.

“That’s my girlfriend.”  He said angrily and Rhys appraised him with an imperious expression.  Finn, Chop, Tom and Archie came to back him up, Izzy and Rae came to stand beside Chloe.  Finn looked over at Chop, he was used to looking to Chop first in a fight.  But he swaying slightly; he’d had a lot of drinks bought for him today already and would be no use in a fight at all.  But that was ok, Tom and Archie were there to help him back Rhys up. 

“Really?”  Rhys asked unimpressed, “You wanna fight me?”  The man looked him up and down again, clearly not wanting to get into it with Rhys, he turned his eyes to his girlfriend; the blond who motioned for him to fight.

“Get out.”  The bartender suddenly said, quite forcefully and the boyfriend looked relieved.  “Or I’ll call the cops.”  Rhys nodded as if he had expected this.

“Ok fine,” He said softly, “How much do we owe you for-”

“Not you.”  He answered and turned his eyes to the two girls, “there’s no room for racists in my pub.”  He told them, “You come in here and you start a fight with this nice lass.  I’ll have none of it.  Get out and don’t come back.” 

It took a lot of angry words and threats to call the police before they left, but they did without further physical incident.  Rae hugged Chloe tightly as the blond yelled some more abuse at Chloe before leaving. 

“That were brilliant Chlo!”  Rae whispered to her.

“Fucking hell Chlo.”  Chop said, “remind me not to get on your bad side pet!”  She smiled wanly.

“How about I give you this round on the house?”  The bartender asked and Rhys looked at Chloe to answer.

“Thanks.”  She said softly, feeling oddly deflated as the rage slowly left her, “Sorry I yelled at you.” 

“No it’s fine love.”  He told her, “I should o’ said something sooner.”  He turned to finish the drinks and Chloe turned to Rhys, reaching up to put her hands on his face.  Rae gave Finn a look and motioned for them all to head back to the table.  He bent down for her so she didn’t have to be on her tiptoes all the time. 

“You didn’t have to do that.”  He said softly.

“Yes I did!”  She told him forcefully.  “I hate that this shit happens.” 

“Me too.”  He agreed, “But I’m used to it.  I can take care of myself, you shouldn’t have to-”

“Of course you can take care of yourself.”  Chloe stroked his face, “And I know you’re used to doing things on your own Rhys, but you’re not alone anymore.”  She paused, wanting that to really sink in, “It’s not just me, it’s all of us.”  Rhys lowered his eyes.

“I would not be ok if harm came to you Chloe.”  He told her, “I can take care of things like this.”  He insisted. 

“Yeah but it’s so constant.”  She said thoughtfully, “I been noticing it more and more… and today… Three times today, Rhys.  You got searched, that fucking neighbour, and those stupid munters.  Was this a bad day?”  She asked wanting to understand what he went through, “Or was it average?  Or a good day?”

“A good day, because I got to spend it with you.”  She gave him an unimpressed look and he acquiesced, and continued, “In terms of direct overt racism it was a bad day.”  He told her, “But in terms more indirect, subtle racism.”  He turned his eyes to the left and Chloe followed his gaze; two men were watching them, one with a disgusted sneer, “that’s a never ending thing.”  Chloe heard the weary determination in his voice as she watched the sneering man avert his gaze and say something to his mate who laughed a nasty sniggering chuckle in reply and smirked before looking away.  “Don’t get me started on institutionalised systemic racism because that’s a long discussion, and today’s meant to be Chop’s day.”  Rhys said firmly.

“Rhys you are going to have to tell me everything about this, and I’m gonna read every book I can find about it, cos this shit is…”  She shook her head and looked back over at the two guys, the sneering one was talking rapidly and the other guy was laughing softly.  She knew their conversation was about them.  “It’s important for me to know all of this stuff.”  She answered him equally as firmly.  She looked back at him to see him shaking his head. 

“It’s alright Chlo, you got schoolwork to think about and this doesn’t really affect you.”  He answered her but she shook her head vehemently.

“Yes it does Rhys!”  He kept his thoughts about this to himself and looked away for a moment.

“Alright then, it does…” He said, clearly not meaning it, and Chloe understood why he felt that way; it’d never affect her like it did him.  She’d always just be a spectator in this.  “And I suppose you have to decide if it’s something you wanna put up with then.”  He turned his eyes back to her.  “Because this is kinda part of the package of being with me.  I can’t exactly stop being black.”  Chloe couldn’t believe what she was hearing, “But you can stop going out with a black man.  It’d be far easier for you.  Safer.”  Chloe let her hands drop from his face and had to look away to gather her thoughts.  But more than anything it was the swirling emotions she had to get under control.  Rhys straightened up and watched her considering what he had said.  As she looked around the pub, trying to get herself in order, she saw people glaring at them, but she saw more people not caring at all, and a couple of people, when they saw her look at them smiled and nodded as if letting her know they approved of what she’d done and said.  And there was an Asian woman with a white man at one table looking pretty happy to see another interracial couple in the mostly white pub.  The woman gave a slight nod to Chloe and she nodded back.  They didn’t know each other, they never would, their circumstances and stories weren’t the same; but they were on the same path and they both acknowledged it. 

“Do you think it’s getting any better at all?”  She asked him, her eyes lingering on the Asian woman, her mind and body finally starting to get a grip on everything she felt and thought. 

“In some regards.”  He answered, his eyes searching her face for some reaction to what he had said.  She turned her eyes back to him.

“By the way,” She said brusquely, “absolutely fucking daft idea that I could just stop going out with you, you dozy cunt.”  She took his face back into her hands and he bent to her again, “As if I could just decide to walk away from you Rhys.  For any reason…” She started to smile fondly as she saw the relief in his eyes.

“I would not hold it against you Chloe.”  He made sure of her decision.  “I would still train you, and be your friend.”  He stroked her face, “And I would understand your decision, because if I could choose to simply no longer have to deal with racism I would.” 

“Don’t really care what I have to deal with.”  She shrugged.

“No Chloe, you don’t get it; I’ve been beaten until I had to be hospitalised for a week for being black.”  He told her, feeling a fierce need to protect her.  “You don’t have to deal with this.”

“No Rhys you don’t get it.”  She answered with a strong tone of finality, “I’m not going anywhere big guy!”  She said with a grin, “Unless it’s with you.”  That look of relief in his eyes was perfection and she knew, knew beyond doubt what she was feeling, “You are not alone anymore Rhys.”  She stroked his face and reached up for a kiss.  He bent to her and their lips softly touched for just a moment before Chloe pulled back to look in his eyes, “Because I love you.”  He looked at her face silently for a moment and lowered his eyes taking in her words.  She watched the smile that she knew would come, the nod of the head that told her he was very happy to hear what she had said and then the biting of his bottom lip as he contained his happiness to make sure there was enough room for her to express herself in.  He looked back up at her.  She knew he would not say it back; it was not his way.  He was the kind of man that needed to be told things only once and he in return only repeated himself rarely.  She’d never need to tell him again; he had that knowledge now.  But she wasn’t Rhys, and she liked to repeat herself on some things.  Especially things like this.

“I love you.”  She told him again and the smile broke out onto his face even wider.  His hands went up to her face and he kissed her deeply, the passion and fire in his kiss was potent and Chloe was already completely breathless long before he stopped. 

“I love you Ms Chloe.”  He told her, his lips still brushing hers as she tried to not literally gasp for air after that kiss. 

“Didn’t expect you to say it.”  She whispered. 

“You definitely bring out something in me missy.”  He agreed. 

“Better get back to the others with their drinks.”  She said reluctantly, trying to cover her breathless, rising desire.

“Yes… birthday celebrations.”  He took a big breath and tried to wipe the grin off his face with little success.  And Chloe loved watching him struggle to find his usual composure.  He nodded to the bartender and took the tray of drinks, Chloe took his hand and led him back to the table. 

“Fucking took long enough!”  Chop complained merrily.  “I’m fucking parched!”  He shot at them, “It’s like the fucking Sahara in me mouth.” 

“I got the Owami Desert in mine.”  Chloe answered and Rhys gave her a surprised look.

“Might have done some reading about Nigeria.”  She said, “Since you’re heading out there with Jules in a month.”  But she had started reading about Nigeria after he had told her his mother was from there. 

“That sounds exciting!”  Archie leaned forward over the table.

“Yes.”  Rhys said, “I’ve never been outside of England, so it’ll be an adventure!”  He laughed, more out of happiness for the conversation he’d just had with Chloe than at the thought of adventures in Nigeria, and put his arm over Chloe’s shoulders as she took a sip of her vodka, lemon, lime and bitters. 

“What you going for?”  Chop asked; he could never imagine willingly leaving England any reason.  But he knew he’d probably have to for Izzy’s travel desires. 

“See if we’ve got any living relatives.”  Rhys answered.  “But given the fact that we only have our mother’s name; Temidayo Oyeniran, our ethnicity which is Yoruba, and that she lived in a village somewhere near Ilawe Ekiti… we’re unlikely to succeed.”

“What about your dad?”  Rae asked with keen interest.

“He died in the civil war, mum fled after she got the news.”  Rhys took a swig of his drink.  “I never knew him.”  He shrugged, “I am hoping to find some grandparents.” 

“The search is on!”  Finn smiled and Rhys made a noise of agreement. 

“Hey lads,” Chop turned boozily to Tom and Rhys, “Have you seen me one eared elephant joke?” 

“NO!”  Finn ordered loudly and Rae started to laugh.

“We don’t need to see it Chop.”  Izzy told him And Chop looked around tragically at the group

“Why not?”

“It’s not as funny as you think it is!”  Finn told him shaking his head, “And I really don’t need to see it again.” 

“Just cos you got no sense o’ humour you poxy prat!”  Chop said grumpily, “Don’t mean everyone else should miss out.”

“I thought I told you no to let him do it anymore!”  Finn laughed to Rae.

“I tried!”  She answered with a chuckle.

“Well now I’m intrigued.”  Tom said with a curious grin. 

“No you’re not!”  Archie laughed. 

“Have you all seen it?”  Tom asked and Rae nodded wearily.

“Unfortunately.”  Chloe added. 

“I don’t think you can really be part of the gang unless you’ve seen me one eared elephant joke!”  Chop said as he stood up and pulled one on his pockets inside out. 

“Oh god.”  Izzy put her hand to her forehead as if trying to not be seen with Chop. 

“I think I got the gist of this.”  Rhys shook his head and chuckled at Chop as he proceeded, against the constant tide of ‘no’s’ from the rest of the gang, to unzip his fly and flap his cock out with a cheeky grin.  The gang all laughed and groaned and averted their eyes.

“One eared elephant!”  He cheered happily.  Tom blinked at him for a moment and then nodded.

“Very clever.”  He started to chuckle.

“See!”  He said to Finn, “Got you fuckers all laughing!” 

“Laughing at you!”  Finn shook his head and laughed anyway as Chop drunkenly pushed his pocket back in before his cock.  “Fucking not with you!”

“Chop!”  Izzy tried to admonish him but was laughing too hard.

“He might be too drunk to do the tyres today?”  Archie asked Finn.

“Bollocks, it’ll just make it more fun.”  He grinned in reply. 

“And I need him to be a little bit more sober before I let him take his LSD for tonight.”  Tom added.  “So no more booze!”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘(Can’t You) Trip Like I do’ by The Crystal Method feat. Filter _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvQRRuckqM8_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvQRRuckqM8)

 

“Have you got any blade rims?”  Chop said in his best ‘I’m totally sober’ voice.  The salesman, Pete, kept the pleasant smile plastered on his face and nodded pertly.

“Of course.”  He answered before heading towards a set of rims with three sharply defined rims, Chop following him slowly, Archie and Finn managing to remain perfectly serious throughout the entire conversation so far.  Chop looked at the rims disappointedly. 

“No I mean like with knives sticking out of ‘em so you can fuck up other mugs’ cars.  Like in a James Bond movie or something.”  Pete paused for a moment and looked at Chop with a grin that told Finn and Archie that he was expecting the punchline of a joke now.  But Chop was just drunk enough to be completely serious. 

“N-no, Sir… no we don’t.”  He stammered before finding his smile again, “Bet we do have…”

“Are those fucking rainbow coloured tyres?”  Chop asked and lurched over towards them.  “I gotta get these; Izzy’ll love ‘em!”  Finn put his hand up to his mouth and lowered his face to stop the laughter before looking up.

“Alright mate if that’s what you want.”  He replied and Archie gave him a dirty look.

“You can’t let him get the rainbow ones!”  Archie hissed urgently.

“Why not?’  Finn replied quietly, “If that’s what he wants...” Archie’s unimpressed face made Finn start to laugh, he lowered his face again trying to get it under control. 

“Fuck look at these rims!”  Chop was off to another part of the store, “They got fucking batman logos on’ em!” 

“I didn’t think Chop liked batman.”  Archie said and Finn shook his head and started to chuckle again as Peter followed Chop around.  In the end Finn gently leaned Chop towards a set of black and chrome rims, the spokes breaking up into an almost beeswax pattern and some yellow tyres.  Bumblebee had always been his favourite transformer, so this seemed more appropriate.  The rims were classy and the tyres were top of the range, so it was money well spent. 

It didn’t take long to get one of the better sound systems the store had installed, Chop had been pissed off, reminding them all that he was a fucking fully trained mechanic and he could do it himself, loudly, numerous times, while they waited.  Finn could have done it too, and Archie probably could have figured it out in no time, but they were throwing in the installation for free so Finn had shrugged and let them do it.  Finn had grinned with satisfaction when he heard the far superior sound of the new stereo in Chop’s car. 

“Present to yourself?”  Archie laughed when he saw that grin.

“Maybe when he used to drive me everywhere, but not now.”  Finn answered, “Wish I’d thought to do it ages back!”  Chop sat in the back seat singing loudly and off key to the music, and getting maybe half of the lyrics right, occasionally clearly making up his own words when he started to sing about how much he loved Izzy to The Pogues ‘Dirty Old Town.’  In between singing he did a running commentary of everything he was seeing, including the shape of the earring in Finn’s ear, a bloke cycling on the footpath, a roundabout and some birds. 

They got back to the house at about 5:30 and Tom furrowed his brows at how drunk Chop still was. 

“We’ve about six and a half hours to sober him up.”  Tom turned to Rhys.  “Time for a run.” 

“I’ll come with, need to shake out the cobwebs.”  Finn told them, “I’ll just put something better on.”  He bound up the stairs and Archie turned to them.

“Same.”  And followed him. 

It had been Rae’s idea for them each to have a nice bath while the boys went out for an hour long run to make Chop sweat out some alcohol.  It was the first time Rae had been in one of these huge bathtubs alone and she spread out happily and read a book ‘The Dharma Bums’ by Jack Kerouac, a mixtape by Finn playing. 

Chloe settled into the bath and let her mind slowly creep over everything that had happened today, examining from every angle and eventually thinking about the status of her relationship with Rhys and whether monogamy was for her or not, now that she knew she loved him. 

Izzy nearly fell asleep in her bath and was rudely awoken from her dazed state by Chop stomping in grumbling. 

“Fucking cold fucking shower.”  He whinged to himself.  Tom had ordered him to have a cold shower, and he was going to obey.  Izzy watched him stripping off his sweaty clothes, still panting; they’d obviously worked him hard.  Her eyes watched his muscles move; the sweat dripping from his face, his cranky, still slightly drunk mood.  She watched him get into the cold shower and start swearing in a long stream of anguished yelps.

“I love you.”  She told him and he popped his head out of the shower and took in the large oblong tub with Izzy reclined in it.

“We’re getting one of those tubs installed.”  He grinned.  “When I earn a bit more money.”  He pulled a face and looked at his Izzy for a moment longer.  “I love you my girl.”  He sighed happily and got back under the freezing water.  “Fucking hell!” 

A pot of strong coffee later and they were heading out the door to the Indian restaurant.  Chop considerably more sober than he had been. 

Tom forbade them from drinking any alcohol at dinner and told Chop to eat a carb heavy meal.  By the time midnight came around Tom was feeling comfortable with the idea of letting Chop have his first LSD trip. 

They took two taxis for the 15 minutes or so drive it took to get to Oval road.  After paying the drivers Tom handed them each a tab. 

“This is kinda scary.”  Chloe said as she looked at the little piece of paper.  “You hear so much about bad trips.” 

“Just keep reminding yourself you’re on drugs and you’ll be fine.”  Tom told her. 

“What’s it like?”  Izzy asked with big round eyes.  Tom narrowed his eyes in thought.

“It’s not like movies make you think.  It’s not flying dragons and fucking leprechauns appearing from nowhere.  Nothing appears that isn’t already there.  And you do know what you are seeing is because of drugs…. It’s hard to explain.”  Tom mumbled, “Everything just feels like more.  He looked at Rhys to help him out.

“There was a book made about LSD, and Ram Dass and a member of the anti-drug movement were trying to pick pictures for it, to describe what LSD was like.  There was only one picture they agreed on.”  Rhys put the tab on his tongue, knowing he had about an hour for the slow rush into the trip.  “It was a photo of a man, looking closely at a spilled drink of some sort.”  Rhys turned his eyes to Chloe, seeking to reassure her “and the anti-drug guy, he liked it because it showed the LSD made people’s minds become really trivial and focussed on nothing.  But Ram Dass liked it because it showed that this bloke was seeing the whole universe in that spilt drink.  He was understanding that in everything, there is everything.”  Rhys looked back at Tom, “That’s tripping.”  He finished, “That’s LSD.” 

“Yeah it’s like you’re a child again.”  Tom said, “Everything’s interesting again.  Like the first time you’ve seen it.”    Tom put the tab on his tongue and Archie followed.  Slowly they all put their little squares of paper on their tongues.

“We stick together fuckers!”  Chop said, “We find a nice corner, and relax and enjoy the tunes!” 

Rhys led the way into the restricted access Gilbeys Yard and they walked along the railway tracks for a while until they found a tunnel opening that looked like it had been boarded up but was now opened. 

“Why were these off limits to people?”  Archie asked.

“They flood sometimes.”  Rhys answered with a shrug.  The tunnel opened up into a huge cavernous tunnel system, old brickwork and ancient looking dust clinging to the walls added to an overall atmosphere of a haunted locale.  A bunch of cables had been run in, the other end patched into an electrical box for the rail lines, rather dangerously.  They followed the wires slowly and saw an old exit sign; the wires went the opposite way, further into the catacombs.  The passage way became littered with rubbish and they could hear the echoes of an excited group of people following them into the tunnels from behind.  At one point the wall on one side of the passageway opened up and a huge flooded room lay to their left as they travelled further into the labyrinth.  Eventually they heard dreamy music from ahead and the room slowly opened up to a large room; the ceiling supported by many arches.  Rae’s eyes scanned the room and she started to laugh, there were bean bags everywhere, a makeshift stage, bar, people lounging around with bongs, and a really relaxed vibe in the massive room as the band played and danced around on stage, a small group of people dancing in front of them.  They found some bean bags and settled down to watch the band, Tom getting them some water. 

“We all feeling comfy?”  Tom asked and there was a general mellow feeling from everyone.  They talked at first, softly, commenting on how good the band was, and how they sounded a little like Mercury Rev.  Rhys told them that the music would become more dance-focussed as the night went on, but that it would remain pretty relaxed.  Slowly, one by one they stopped talking and fell into a silent reverie.

Rae felt as if she had pulled aside the backstage curtain and could see what was happening behind the show.  Was this real life or a stage production?  But who would watch a play of eight people sitting on a bunch of bean bags.  But as she looked around at her little family group, she saw them as they were, behind the masks they wore.  And she suddenly became acutely aware of her own mask; as if she could, without moving her hands, physically pull it from her face and peer into the face of that mask.  Her eyes turned to Finn and the slight dusting of freckles across his nose became intensely interesting.  They were so beautiful, the shades and colours of these tiny specks of brown, barely discernible unless you were searching for them.  She looked up at the browns of his eyes and saw him staring, open mouthed at her face.  She wondered if he had pulled her mask off and was looking at her real face too, just like she was she could see her own face.  She saw the tiny fibres of his eyes, the slight variations of colours and realised that the very fabric of all existence was exactly the same as the muscles that opened his pupils to let in light.  Existence was within itself letting in all the light.  Or closing it out when it constricted and grew small.  Suddenly she could feel the world breathing, as if every molecule in the air around her were taking in deep breaths in unison as his pupils slowly grew a little bigger.  And at that moment she became exquisitely aware of her own soul as a source of light separate to her body, it flowed through her, like quicksilver and she raised her hand to look at the quicksilver in her skin.  Quicksilver that had no physical form.  Rae looked back at Finn and saw the same molten quicksilver rolling smoothly over his skin, but she could still see him perfectly clearly as if it wasn’t there.  She reached out to touch him and was struck by a trail of sparklers following the movement of her hand.  She watched them light and extinguish and realised she was seeing the swirling eddies left in the air as her hand moved through it.  No not in the air, in the fabric of life; she knew that she affected everything, she left a mark.  She felt vitally important and slowly turned her eyes to Finn to see the sensual rolling quicksilver bending, arching, leaning up from his skin towards her hand.  As she touched him she saw their liquids mingle.  His soul, was melding with hers and she could see it.  She felt shivers scintillate slowly through her body, her eyes unable to stop watching their souls as they shone and blended together.  She saw the same shivers moving through Finn’s body, and suddenly knew that they could blend into each other bodily, that there were no boundaries other than what they put on it themselves.  Their skin was not solid, nothing was solid.  She looked up at the wall and saw it moving, undulating ever so slightly to the music, almost as if it couldn’t help but dance, and the dust on the brickwork was specific.  It was detailed.  It was important.  Because the dust had once contained life.  It was the empty shells of all that had past.  Each tiny fleck told the story of a life.  There were intricate patterns in each piece of dust as well as along the entire length of the wall.  And the colours were richer, as if she’d never truly seen the grey of dust before, or the pink of that woman’s dress.  Had she ever seen pink before?  She watched the woman dance, her skin molten gold, her dress moving as though the wind were billowing life into it.  But there was no wind and the dress was alive, everything was alive.  Every cell in everything had life.  Inanimate objects were not inanimate; their cells had life.  And Rae suddenly knew that in each cell there was more space than there was substance.  She already knew that from biology, but now she knew it because the space in each cell contained the spark of life.  And she knew from watching the life force of that energy blending; hers and Finn’s, that she could blend her energy with other things.  There was more space in her skin than solid mass… she could walk through that undulating wall and be at one with its life force if she wanted.  She could breathe in the life of the dust and see the past.  She watched as the woman in pink took a tab of acid and became aware that she herself was under the effects of acid, but it didn’t change her new understanding of the world.  Within everything there was the same spark of life; everything was important, especially her.  She looked back at her hand on Finn’s arm and felt as if they had almost melted into each other already.  He leaned forward and put his lips to hers and when she closed her eyes to taste him more fully she could see the pressure of his lips on hers, she could almost hear the taste of him.  She snapped her eyes open, not able to handle the intensity of having her eyes closed and felt like every single cell in her lips was kissing every single cell in his lips.  She could see the quicksilver of their souls dancing around them.  She could feel every single one of his taste buds and the rough journey of them sliding across her own tongue could be clearly felt through every part of her body; her toes scrunched up in ticklish response to his tongue moving across her tongue because they could feel his tongue sliding across them. 

The band changed and they both turned their faces towards the stage at the same time, noticing the music for the first time.  Rae could hear every single note perfectly, as each one held the story and emotion of the song.  She could understand why each note sounded the way it did, could hear every layer individually but at the same time.  Her mouth opened in surprise; she’d never truly heard music before this day.  She felt Finn’s jaw dropping, their cheeks melded into each other, touching, unable to be extricated, she felt through the interconnectedness of their souls a shuddering exquisite sense of knowledge that Finn was having the same realisation as her.  Music was so much more than they’d ever realised.  She could almost see the notes moving through the air; a rainbow of colour in their wake.  She could feel the rhythm crawling under skin, the vocals slivering through her veins.  Music was beauty.  She’d always known music was important, but now she knew and understood that in a different way.  Now she could feel it, see it, in a way she could have never imagined.  Rae and Finn sunk back into the beanbags, their bodies unable to be separated, like two plastic kitchen utensils that had melted together; they were one now.  She closed her eyes and let the music carry her through the stunning visuals in her brain, having to open her eyes when things got too intense.  The music was a lover that came to them and caressed them both seductively; she could feel its fingertips on her skin, its breath in her ears.  She looked up at the ceiling and saw a huge cobweb; so intricate, so important.  Like the chemical bonds that held them all together, that made water one thing and oxygen another; the difference between life and death when you were immersed in them was as thin as a spider thread.  She looked at the web and saw the most beautiful, important and life-encompassing thing she’d ever seen, simultaneously she saw the end to all life, empty, lonely, abandoned, left to ruin things in those long imperfectly messy threads. 

Rae didn’t know how long it had been when Tom stirred them all to start exploring the tunnels together.  All she knew was that it was a brilliant idea.  The new surroundings, experiencing the gang starting to talk about their thoughts and experiences on acid; it was bonding somehow.  She felt like they’d never break apart now because they had taken a silent vow by sharing their souls like this.  And she knew they all felt the same way.  Just knew it; it didn’t need saying or talking about.  They all knew it. 

 

 

A little under 12 hours later Rae started to feel uncomfortable, like she needed to get out of her own skin.  Like her body was trying to repress her true being in a stupid meat sack.  Like the quicksilver was being controlled, shoved back inside, disentangled from Finn’s soul and boxed in.  She felt her heartbeat going up and instantly Finn’s hands closed around hers and put her hand on his chest.

“It’s alright girl.  It’ll pass.”  He said softly.  They were all lying together in long grass under some trees.  Rae couldn’t properly remember how they got here.  But she remembered the stars and how she understood that not only were all people made of the same things as stars, but that the stars were made of the same things people are… ‘We are stars and they are us.’  She remembered telling the gang that.  And she remembered feeling how alive the grass was when she’d laid down in it; she could see the life in it, and it was different to how the walls had seemed alive in the catacombs.  The grass gave off air and smells and sounds.  And she sensed it all. 

Rae could feel her head resting on Rhys’s thigh; he was looking up at the clouds happily, Chloe snuggled into his arms, Finn and Rae using his leg as a pillow.  She felt Archie’s head on her stomach and she could see Tom, pissing against a tree, stretching his neck.  Chop and Izzy had settled in beside Chloe; they had been using Finn as a pillow for a while, Izzy’s head resting on his bladder horribly, but he’d been too fidgety, so they’d moved and made Rhys put his arm out enough for them to use it as a pillow too.  They hadn’t slept, they’d been gloriously awake all night.  They’d just laid down together to experience the wonder of this bit of green. 

The comedown wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be.  That moment of panic, soothed by Finn’s calm presence, had been it.  She looked around, almost seeing the patterns, the life, but feeling it fade from her like a dream fades from the mind upon waking. 

“It’s almost 1 in the afternoon.”  Finn told her softly as she moved slightly, experimenting with how her body felt and stirring Archie from his reverie.  “Tom and Rhys came down first I think.”  He continued, “Then me.”  He looked over at Archie who was staring at his own hand intently.  “I think the rest of us are still tripping though!”  She rubbed her eyes.

“I’m so tired.”  He nodded in reply, “And hungry.” 

“Aye.”  Finn agreed, “We’ll have to find some food and a pay phone to call a cab.”  Tom walked back to them and pointed through the trees.

“That’s Leybourne street.”  Rhys made a noise in response and then sighed as he sat up, carefully extracting his arm from under Chloe, Chop and Izzy.  He looked at Rae and Finn as they laid on his thigh.

“Hello gorgeous.”  He winked at them both and looked up at Tom.  “There’s a pub nearby.”  He turned back to Chloe as she reached up and stroked his arm in awe; she was still tripping. 

“That’ll do for both.”  Finn sat up, yawning and stretching.

“Your thigh was a nice pillow Rhys.”  Rae grinned and sat up too, gently moving Archie’s head.

“You’re welcome to it anytime.” 

“Your tits were a nice pillow Rae Rae.”  Tom told Rae and Finn feigned jealousy making Rae laugh, “And had me mentally philosophising on the nature of my homosexuality the whole time I laid on ‘em.  Cos I do love your tits.”  He grinned, “But I’m so gay.” 

“I think you can like boobs and still be gay.”  Rae told him and he nodded.

“Same conclusion I was already at, but somehow I needed to think about it for ages.”  He shrugged, “That’s acid though innit?”  He stretched, “Fuck I need a shower and a nap.” 

“You won’t be able to sleep.”  Rhys sighed, “That’s acid.” 

“Yeah, no point going near a bed till tonight really.”  He shrugged and pulled a face.  “I also need some fucking water.”

“I got some left.”  Finn tossed Tom his bottle of water.

“Cheers.” 

“My mind was so sharp for a while there.”  Rae marvelled, “Like I could see how bullshit society is… so clearly.”  She continued, “And now everything feels a little fuzzy in comparison.  Like I know that everything’s bullshit, but I can’t say with so much certainty why.”  She scrunched her brows, “I really fucking navel-gazed for a while there.”  She started to chuckle. 

“Yeah at first it was all external stuff, but at the end it was all internal mind stuff.”  Finn said, “But it’s all gone mostly gone now.”  He frowned, “Wish I’d written it down.”

“Next time.”  Rae shrugged. 

“Not for a while though!”  Tom told them firmly.  “We’ve used a lot o’ drugs on this little London jaunt.”  He told them, “We should stay off ‘em for a bit after this.”  He eyed them until they both agreed to take it easy when they got back to Stamford.  And both of them knew that after that school would put a huge dampener on any partying they were planning on doing. 

While they sat about waiting for everyone else to comedown more fully, Rae felt irritable, edgy, like she didn’t know if she liked how she was feeling or not.  She was simultaneously full of energy and drained of all energy.  She suspected that this was the tail end of the comedown.  It wasn’t too bad; she could control it, but it got worse when she realised that it was the 22nd.  They were leaving on the 24th.  And there were only two more weeks of school holidays.  But her mood perked up when she remembered that the 24th was her mother’s ‘English’ anniversary with Karim, and the one year anniversary since Finn and her had declared their like for each other in front of the chippy. 

They had lunch with the family already planned, and Finn had planned a date of bowling, a movie and sex at his place for the evening.  But she wasn’t supposed to know that.  He’d tried to subtly ask her what movies she wanted to see, and she’d heard him pre-booking a lane at the bowling alley, something that was unheard of, over the phone before they came to London.  And since she already knew she was spending the night at his house, and of course they’d be having sex, she knew how the date would end.  But she’d pretend she was surprised for the whole thing.  Thinking about how special Finn was, how kind and wonderful he was in planning out this surprise ‘anniversary’ date made her heart swell with love for him and she shot forward and kissed his lips, taking him by surprise.  He laughed, setting her off and easing her irritable mood down to nearly nothing; he always had that effect on her. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Birdhouse in Your Soul’ by They Might Be Giants _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhjSzjoU7OQ_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhjSzjoU7OQ)

 

They made slow love in the bath tub on the morning of their last day in London.  They were leaving a few hours before everyone else because they had to be home for Linda and Karim’s England anniversary lunch.  It had been a year today since Rae had told everyone about her mental health.  A year since he had traced those words on her back.  He traced them again as they made love and they laughed, Finn remembering how sacred he’d been to write them, in case he’d gotten it all wrong.  In case she hadn’t meant to imply that she thought more about him than other boys.  They lay together in the bath in a post making love glow, and told each other everything that had led up to that moment.  Except for being hit by a car.  Rae hadn’t told anyone that yet. 

“I feel like I’ve changed so much over this year.”  Rae sighed.

“Aye me too.”  Finn said, “I’m not that same lad that couldn’t muster up the bollocks to tell you to your face how I felt.”  He stroked her face, “I’m better now.”  He grinned, “Still rough around the edges but.”  He admitted.

“I hope you always are.”  Rae grinned, “Cos I’ll never be flipping perfect.”  She shifted her weight in the bath to lie closer to him, “And you’re perfect for me the way y’are.  Always have been.” 

“Even though I’ve changed?”

“People change Finn.”  Rae shrugged, “You’re still you.”  Finn understood what she meant, the same was true of her.

“We’re perfect for each other.”  He nestled into the hug and kissed her deeply.  “You’re my sun.”  He told her.

“I burn you to a crisp?”  She joked.

“Sometimes.”  Finn answered unexpectedly, “But most of the time it’s all love and warmth and light and life that you give me.” 

“So mostly good.  But just a little evil.”  Rae asked with a cheeky grin.

“Ah I should learn to use sunscreen.  But sometimes I like to play dangerously!”  They chuckled together.  “I do like your temper.”  She gave him a bemused look, “Most o’ the time.”  He grinned, “When it’s not aimed at me.” 

“I think of you as my sun too.”  Rae told him, ignoring his temper quip.  “I couldn’t live without you.” 

 

 

After an uneventful drive home and a delicious lunch, Rae again found herself watching Finn, while her mother watched Karim, working on the birdhouse.  They had finished the main structure weeks and weeks ago, but now they were making an extension that would make the birdhouse take up the entire length of the back fence.  The canaries had been breeding and they all needed more space.  Rae had decided to not point out that they’d just breed more and need more room, and that it might be better to find new homes for the babies.  They were also putting up reinforced wire; birds, rat and cats had all been trying to get into the cage, and apparently all three of those could kill a canary, especially other birds.  The fact that other birds killed canaries didn’t surprise Rae as much as it did Finn; she remembered all the dead canaries quite vividly and had a suspicion that everything could kill a canary, even a strong puff of wind.  They watched in silence both of them appreciating their man far too much for public decency. 

Eventually Linda tore herself away from watching Karim and looked back at Aiesha, still out cold after wearing herself out trying to stand and walk all morning and screaming loudly when she couldn’t quite manage it yet.  Linda knew it was only a matter of time before she woke up and was at it again.  She shuffled into the kitchen and made a pot of tea for Rae and herself, Rae still watching Finn from the back door. 

“C’mon you!” Linda tutted and called for Rae to come and sit with her.  Rae gave one last tragically horny look back at Finn before joining her mother at the table.  Her mother was going through a health kick; they only ate food that had one ingredient in it.  What that meant was fruit, vegetables, meat and not much else.  Rae thought longingly about having something as simple as tomato sauce, but the list of ingredients on that was far too long.  And her mother had started saying things like; ‘there’s only peas in peas’ or ‘there’s only chicken in a chicken drumstick.’  Rae had taken to muttering ‘there’s also no flipping flavour’ in reply.  She missed her mother basting chicken in maple flavoured syrup or soy sauce or barbecue sauce, or anything other than just chicken and vegetables with nothing else on them.  At all.  Her mother handed her a handful of peas to pod and she slowly worked through them, occasionally eating one of the pods. 

“So how have these past three weeks been?”  Rae rolled her eyes; this was her mother’s attempt at subtlety.  Kester had been on holiday for the past three weeks.  All of his patients had been offered to see other therapists at the hospital but Rae had declined, opting to go therapy free for the three weeks Kester was away.  She just didn’t think she’d be able to trust another therapist and that meant it would be pointless seeing them.  Whenever she was at home, her mother had been watching her like a vulture waiting for the death knell. 

“Fine.”  Rae answered in a breezy tone.  In truth her anxiety had increased a little, but Finn had been helping her, as had the breathing and mindfulness techniques Kester had taught her.  She had proven she could go without therapy for a short period of time, but she still felt like she had a lot to work through.  She was actually keen to see Kester this week.

“Fine?”  Linda asked, “What does fine mean?”

“It means I survived it.”  Rae answered calmly, “But I’ll be glad to see him this week.”  She added and Linda narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. 

“How was London?’  Linda asked with slightly pursed lips.  She didn’t entirely approve of weeks away with the gang, but she didn’t entirely disapprove either.  They were a good group of friends and it was good for Rae to have time with people other than just Finn.  But she knew they partied hard, even though she couldn’t exactly prove it.  She just knew it.  She worried it would get on top of Rae if she wasn’t careful. 

“A lot of fun!”  Rae answered, “Chop’s grandfather has a place right near Kensington Palace!”  Rae answered happily, “It were right funny having us lot wandering round all them rich folk.” 

“So it was just the eight of you?”  She asked carefully.  If she looked too nosy, Rae would shut down all communication.

“Yes mum!”  Rae groaned, “We didn’t sneak along some drug dealer or criminal or something!”  Rae told herself that she was telling the truth; Tom didn’t make a job of dealing drugs.  In fact the only people he supplied them to were his friends, and he didn’t really do it that often.  It’s not like they could just rock up to Tom’s house and buy stuff from him… although she supposed they could if they wanted to. 

“I know they’re a good bunch o’ kids.”  Linda answered softly.

“And Phil was in the house next door!”  Rae laughed, “He’s so rich!”  Rae laughed and Linda thought she caught something in the way her daughter spoke. 

“Isn’t he the boy that likes you?”

“S’pose.”  Rae answered with a shrug. 

“D’you like him?”

“I’m with Finn mum!”  Rae answered vehemently. 

“I’m not saying you’re not!”  Linda answered defensively.  “Just asking if you like him.”

“He’s a mate.”  Rae answered irritably.  And Linda pursed her lips again, deciding to keep her mouth shut. 

They worked in silence for a while.  Linda thoughtfully, Rae getting her crankiness under control.  Rae forgave her mother for being so silly when she thought about everything her mother had been through this year.  She wondered how she really was and felt like she had failed as a daughter for not keeping a closer eye on her mother. 

“How’s everything with you?”  Rae asked carefully.  Linda was very reluctant to talk about her post natal depression; it made her feel like a bad mother.  Rae had tried to tell her that it didn’t mean that, but it had just ended up in yelling tears on both sides, Karim having to intervene when he had come home from work.  When Finn had gotten there an hour later after having the lad’s night he’d had to go to for Benji’s birthday Rae had literally cried on his shoulder while he had rubbed her back, not entirely sure how the argument had even happened; it literally sounded like they had been yelling out caring things at each other.  He could never decipher the two elder Earl women completely, and the two of them together was always slightly combustible.  He had the youngest Earl woman figured out completely; Aiesha was easy to understand. 

“Yeah fine.”  Linda answered evasively, “Everything’s fine.”

“Mum?”  Rae prodded gently.  Linda put her pod down and looked at Rae.

“Was I a terrible mother?’  She asked quite unexpectedly.  Rae stared at her for a moment.

“No.”  She answered simply, her mind trying to figure out what her mother’s problem was this time. 

“Really?”  Linda asked a little higher pitched than usual, and Rae was ready to be accused of doing something terrible and then being asked if Linda was such a terrible mother as to produce such an awful child.  Maybe her mum knew about the drugs in London?  “What exactly did I do that was so wonderful?”  Rae blinked slowly.

“Um.”  She was taken completely off guard and before she’d had chance to even think her mother was up from the table.

“See!”  She asked angrily, as if she’d made a perfectly clear point.  “What did I ever give you?”  Linda asked and Rae opened her mouth in confusion, “Besides my body hatred and the same belief that you don’t deserve love.”  Linda shook her head. 

“Mum…”

“You deserve Finn you know?”  She said urgently.

“I know.”  Rae answered firmly, “I know mum.”  Linda stopped and Rae watched as tears slid down her cheek.  “What’s wrong mum?”

“Th’ s’morning, while she was driving me mad… I realised…”  Linda looked over at Aiesha still sleeping, “There’s more things that I don’t wanna teach her than things I do.”  Linda said in a fast, ashamed voice. 

“You what?”  Rae asked confused.

“I’ve got nothing good to teach her!”  Linda said anxiously, “What have I got to offer her as a mother?”  She lowered her eyes, “I don’t want her to learn to hate herself from me, like you did.”  Linda took a deep breath, trying to get control over herself. 

“Are you saying you screwed me up mum?”  Rae asked incredulously.

“You’ve said it.”  Rae noticed that it wasn’t an accusation, it was a piercingly vulnerable question.  She was asking Rae if she had failed her as a mother.  Rae furrowed her brows.

“Do you think I’m a screw up?”  Rae tried to channel Kester.  Tried to get her mother to think about what she was saying.

“No.”  Linda answered fiercely, “No I think you’re the bravest, strongest person I know Rae.”  Linda reassured her vehemently, “I’ve heard Finn call you a fierce warrior, and he’s right.”

“Alright.”  Rae answered and then smiled warmly, “And where d’you think I learned that from?” 

The two women looked at each other for a long moment as Linda absorbed what Rae had said.

“Come here you.”  Linda said and opened her arms up to her daughter.  Rae gladly gave her a hug. 

“You’ve got heaps to teach Aiesha mum.”  Rae continued. 

“But how do I stop her from hating herself, I don’t want her to know this… feeling.”

“I dunno mum… I’m not sure it’s your fault.” 

“There must be something I can change, so I don’t pass it on to Aiesha.”  Linda asked with a teary voice.  Rae thought about things that maybe she could change as a mother and slowly answered. “You gotta stop with these diets.”  She’d tried telling her mother this before, but to no avail, she’d stop for a while, but then the dieting would start up again.  Rae thought about what Finn and Rhys had said to her, “You gotta feed your body the food it needs mum.”  Linda looked at her daughter and stroked her hair.

“I’m just keeping my weight under control.”

“There’s better ways to do that.”  Rae said, “I’ve got a personal trainer!” 

“A personal… how can you afford that?”

“It’s Rhys mum!”  Rae said, “That’s his job.”

“Explains that body.”  Linda said with a raised eyebrow.

“Oi mum!”  Rae laughed, “You’re a married woman!” 

“Don’t mean I can’t look when the looking’s that good pet!”  Linda grinned cheekily. 

“D’you want me to ask him how much he charges?”  Rae was suddenly convinced that this was a brilliant idea. 

“Oh I dunno pet.  What could he teach an old bird like me?”  Linda asked blushing, as if Rae were offering to set up a date. 

“Heaps mum.  He’s really good.” 

“No.  We can’t afford it Rae.”  Linda said disappointed, “I can’t even afford to send you to both o’ these drama things you got going on.  You’re gonna have to pick one or the other.”  Linda sounded apologetic, but Rae heard the iron will under it that meant she wouldn’t be budged.

“Mum?” 

“I’m sorry Rae but it’s expensive.”  Rae looked down at the pea pods moodily.

“So unfair!”  She exclaimed loudly but Linda pursed her lips resolutely and continued to pod the peas.  “I’m gonna have to tell Finn that I can’t go with him!”  She said angrily. 

“Can’t go where with me?”  Finn asked with a cheeky grin and he wiped his feet at the door.  “Dying for a drink.”  He explained as he came in, sweat dripping from his brow and down his body, and headed for the fridge.  Rae cocked her head and her brows drew together tragically in awe of his attractiveness.  Karim followed him in and was greeted with a similar look from his wife.  Finn drank some chilled water and leaned on the kitchen side.

“So where are we not going?”  He asked cheerily.

“The drama thing.”  Rae pouted, “Can only afford one.”  Finn raised his eyebrows. 

“And you choose the one I get to go to as the one to skip?”  Finn said, “Means I can’t go either.”  Rae hadn’t thought of that.

“Oh no.”  She whispered and furrowed her brow.

“Why d’you pick that one to skip?”  He asked with a furrowed brow and far less cheery tone. 

“Cos I’m more likely to win the drama one than comedy one.”  She sulked realising that he was upset.

“Oh right?”  He asked trying to sound pleasant.

“We all know Kristi and Kurt are gonna win the comedy one.”  She tried to reason with him.  “And I really wanna win something.”  Finn nodded as if he was trying to understand her reasoning. 

“Well I’d really just like to go, given it’s the first non-sport related thing I’ve been nominated to represent the school in.”  He said with a shrug.  “But I want you to win too.”  He told her and she believed he meant it, “So I understand your choice.”

“No Finn, o’ course I’ll go with you.”  She answered, “I really want to perform with you in the competition!”  She told him honestly.

“Good, cos I already paid for you.”  He told her and winked at Linda, “Don’t worry, it’s all covered.”  He looked back at Rae, “Even the bits with Phil.”  He finished his glass of water and motioned for Karim to head back outside. 

“Finn.”  Rae said softly, “I didn’t mean…”

“I know.”  He said with a shrug, “it’s alright.”

“Thank you.”  She said feeling really bad about herself.

“S’alrgiht.”  He said and headed to the door.  “Love you girl.”  He called as the door banged shut behind him.  Rae turned her eyes to her mother.  She’d have to talk to Finn about this later. 

“How’d he afford that?”  Linda asked not sure whether to feel outraged that Finn had paid for Rae, assuming they couldn’t afford it, or grateful. 

“He’s got a job.  And his dad got promoted again, so Finn does most o’ the housework and his dad pays him heaps for that.”  Linda pulled a face, considering that.

“At least you know he won’t be utterly useless when you move in together.”  Linda sucked her teeth and looked at Rae from the corner of her eye.  “After university.”  She added pointedly. 

“Hadn’t really thought about it.”  Rae shrugged.  She knew they’d eventually move in together, but the present living arrangements were alright, so she really hadn’t given it much thought. 

“Well you don’t think you’ll be living here forever do you?”  Linda asked brusquely, “There’s not enough room.”

“I know.”  Rae answered, “I just hadn’t-”

“And Finn is very expensive to feed!”  Linda added.

“Aye but you don’t have to feed me half the time anymore.”  Rae countered. 

“Finn eats a lot more than you Rae.”  Linda told her.  “The amount he eats more than makes up for the times you don’t eat here.”  Rae could sense her mother was getting on a roll and tried to desperately think of something to distract her, “And you know I’m still only doing half shifts at the hospital.  Money’s very tight Rae, and-”

“Did I get any mail while I was away?”  Rae frantically asked, hoping she had, but knowing she wouldn’t have; she never got mail now that the postcards had stopped. 

“Oh yes!”  Linda said, having clearly forgotten it, “It came a few days ago actually.”  She got up to head out to the lounge room, “I clear forgot!” 

“Mum!”  Rae exclaimed angrily as if she were really upset she’d forgotten, mostly she was glad she’d gotten Linda off her soapbox.  Linda tutted and handed her the letter.

“I’m not your bleeding secretary love!”  Linda answered Rae’s angry glare.  Rae pulled a face and turned the letter over in her hands; it was from London; but the return address didn’t have a name attached to it.  She frowned and opened it up.

_Dear Rae (and Finn, I know you’ll show him!)_

Rae furrowed up her brows and tried to think of who it could be from.  Her eyes flicked to the bottom of the page.

_All my love to both of you, from Janice._

“FINN!”  Rae went to the back door and called him in excitedly.  He looked up at her and then back over to Karim.

“Another break time?”  Finn asked and Karim shrugged and nodded.  Finn went over to Rae at the door, wiping his hands on his jeans before wiping his forehead and then wiping his hands on his jeans again.  As soon as he got to the door Rae squished up against him so he could read the letter too.

“Oh Rae, I stink!”  He worried.

“Read the letter!”  She ignored him and his eyes flicked down to the letter. 

_Dear Rae (and Finn, I know you’ll show him!)_

_How are you both going?  You can’t believe how much I’ve missed you both._

_I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to write but London and the gallery have conspired to make me far too busy to be a good friend it seems.  It won’t happen again.  Not only will I write regularly, but I’ll be visiting Stamford every other weekend because I’m still running the arts centre.  It turns out they couldn’t find a replacement for me, so we’ve come to an agreement about me running the centre from London via email and good delegation._

_My first weekend will be on the 6 th and 7th of September, I really hope we can catch up and you can tell me everything that’s been happening in your lives.  _

_How’s college?  How’s all of your friends?  Did you finish your drawings Finn?  Do you like them Rae?_

_I hope your nails are painted bright red Rae!  And that you’re still writing and kicking Finn’s arse in music knowledge.  And Finn I hope you’re still drawing and planning on going to university!  Do try to keep up with Rae on the music front, yeah?_

_I’m so excited to hear absolutely everything!  And I mean everything; every tiny detail._

_Life in London has been quite dull.  The art is extraordinary, don’t get me wrong, but I work 14 plus hour days and have absolutely no life at all!  Although seeing these amazing artworks makes it all worth it._

_Anyway, I’ve yabbered on enough._

_I hope to see you both at the arts centre on Saturday or Sunday at around lunch time, give me a call if you can’t make it._

_All my love to both of you, from Janice._

She’d left her phone number at the bottom of the page.  Rae ran her fingers along the numbers and then read the letter again.  Finn furrowed his brows.

“She didn’t mention me da.”  He said softly.  Rae looked up at him and tried to smile.

“I wouldn’t either if I were her.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Would?’ by Alice In Chains _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nco_kh8xJDs&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nco_kh8xJDs&feature=kp)

 

_Why am I feeling so fucking antsy?_

_It’s not like I’ve never done this before.  Or like it’s new._

_It’s not like I’ve never met him before._

_But that’s the thing innit?  How well do I know him?_

_I was all surprised when I found out he was a bit of a drinker.  And then when he had that bit of a yell at Liam.  That were unexpected._

_And seeing him argue with his wife.  And not let me in cos o’ his girlfriend._

_And then hitting on Elsa?_

_And since Liam went into the coma he’s been stinking a bit like booze sometimes._

_And since when did he have holidays?  3 flippin’ weeks to do what?_

Rae sat outside of Kester’s office, her face scrunched up in confusion.

_What does a guy his age do with holidays?_

_He’d kill himself if he partied too hard._

_Oh I s’pose his liver’s up for the challenge though.  It’s had good practice._

_Should I be worrying about my therapist?_

_Do therapists have therapists?_

_And what would they say to each other?_

_Alright, this is doing me head in._

_Stop thinking about it Rae.  Think about the things you’re gonna talk about with him._

Rae’s mind went absolutely silent suddenly and she stared at his door with a confused expression.  The door opened and she instantly tried to change her expression.

“Rae!”  He gave her a huge grin and motioned for her to come in.  She didn’t get up but instead look at his tanned skin.

“Where the bloomin’ hell did you go?”

“Vietnam.”  He answered with a satisfied grin and Rae narrowed her eyes, attempting to remember anything about Vietnam at all, other than the war.  “It was wonderful.”  He hurried her to come in and she got up, eyeing him suspiciously as if he wasn’t her Kester.  He seemed happier, more at ease; as if all of his worries had left him. 

_I am his first appointment on his first Monday back at work…_

Rae tried to tell herself that he’d be back to normal after a week of listening to everyone’s problems again; she wasn’t sure how to handle chipper Kester.  She furrowed her brows at him as he sat down and folded his hands over his lap.  She scanned his desk; clean, no ashtray, a pot plant… Rae’s brows furrowed further. 

“Where’s your ashtray?”

“Oh I quit.”  He said cheerily, “So how was the last three weeks for you?”

“Fine.”  Rae answered defensively. 

“Fine?”  Kester asked, his fingers going up to his mouth momentarily, before he realised what he was doing and put his hand down. 

“Nothing much happened.”  Rae elaborated.  Kester waited in silence, his eyes on her face as she looked around his spotless office.  “I did a bunch o’ drugs.”  Rae finally said with a scrunched up face.  Kester raised his head slowly and nodded once in reply.  “I quite enjoyed it.  But I know you’re gonna say I shouldn’t of.”  Kester licked his lips and took a moment to consider how to best reply.

“What did you do?”

“Well I drank.”  Rae answered, “But I always drink.”  She acknowledged, “And I did a fair bit of pot…”

“How much?”  Kester asked in a light tone.

“Um…”  Rae thought about it, “A couple o’ times over the last month.”  She said, thinking that it had been nearly every day in London. 

“Is that it?”  Kester prodded gently.

“I…” Rae paused, “I did some speed.”  She saw Kester’s eyebrows twitch slightly, “just once.”  She added, “Some ecstasy.”  She took a deep breath, “Some acid.”  Kester’s eyebrows finally rose.  “That’s it.”  She chewed at the inside of her mouth and waited for his reply.

“And why are you telling me?”  Kester leaned forward and took her in carefully.  Rae gave him a perplexed look.

“Cos you’re me therapist.”

“Are you worried about your drug usage?”  Rae felt like Kester’s eyes were piercing into her brain.

“No.”  She answered, “But I feel like I lost something I learned when I were tripping, and I wish I could remember it.  Cos it feels like it were real important.”

“Experiences with LSD tend to fade away like dreams.”  Kester said softly, “And it feels like everything was a huge epiphany.”  He added, “Everything seems-”

“Wait!”  Rae said with an incredulous grin, “Have you done it?”

“The experiences people have on LSD are well documented.”  Kester replied and leaned back in his chair, his eyes dropping to the floor momentarily.

“You have!”  Rae answered with real surprise.  “Fucking hell!”

“Rae,” Kester answered seriously, “What I may or may not have done is not important now.”  He pulled on his ear slightly, “What’s important is your relationship with drugs.” 

“I don’t feel worried.”  Rae answered honestly, “Other than the possibility o’ getting caught.” 

“Drugs can exacerbate mental illnesses.”  He warned gently and she shrugged.

“I know that and they’re not.  I feel great.”

“A lot of drugs are cut with other substances.”  Kester tried to caution again, “Including poisonous substances.”

“Nah I trust… I guess you’d call him me dealer.”  Rae thought about Tom for a moment, “The best thing about him is that he cares about us.”  She saw Kester narrow his eyes sceptically, “He’s dating Archie, and he has a ‘no drugs on weekdays’ policy and he’ll only give us something once on a weekend, and even then, he says it’s good to stay clean most weekends.”  Kester furrowed his brows and Rae tried not to think about the purely hedonistic time in London they’d had; Tom had made it clear that holidays were different. 

“Nonetheless drugs can be very-”

“Addictive.”  Rae said, “Yeah he bangs on about that too.”  Rae said, “And the possible damage they can do.”  She shrugged, “He said some drugs can cause psychological problems, and I told him I was already mad, so he lowered the dose of anything I can get from him now.”  Rae shrugged, “He firmly believes that anything in moderation can be ok.” Rae told Kester, “And I agree with him.” 

“Moderation can be a problem with addictive substances.”  Kester persisted.

“Aye, but given he’s me only source o’ drugs and he’s keeping an eye on me for any signs of addiction, I think I’ll be alright.” 

“That’s quite a lot of trust you’re giving him.”  Rae shrugged in reply.

“You trust your mates don’t you?”  She answered simply, “But what I wanted to talk about is the way the acid made me feel.”

“And how was that?”  Kester’s fingers twitched and Rae noticed him pick up a pen and hold it like a cigarette. 

“I dunno.”  She breathed, “I can barely remember it.”  She looked frustrated, “But I wanna capture it without being on acid.”  She told him, “Cos it felt…”  She furrowed her brows, “It felt like I were important for some reason.” 

“You don’t need a reason to feel important Rae.”  Kester said, “You are important.”

“It’s not like that.”  Rae answered, “I can’t explain it.”  She sighed.  “Next time I’m writing it all down.” 

“Next time?”  He asked cautiously.

“Aye.  We’ll probably do it again eventually.”  Rae shrugged again, “The point is Kester, I wanna feel that important all the time.”  Rae said, “and I’ve never felt like that.”

“Important?”

“No… well yes… but that’s not what I meant.”  Rae pulled at the hem of her skirt absent-mindedly, “I meant that I’ve never felt like I wanted to be important.”

“Do you think that maybe you accepted your position as unimportant?”  Kester mused and Rae nodded.

“Yeah I didn’t think I deserved to be… important.”  Rae looked at Kester, “I felt as though I deserved all the bad things that happened to me, and that… I was unimportant and worthless and that’s how it should be.”

“Why?”  Kester narrowed his eyes and let his head drop to one side.  Rae considered this for a long time.

“I really don’t know.”  Rae answered slowly.  “I also set Finn up on a date with his ex-girlfriend.”  Rae added with an amused voice.

“Why did you do that?”  Kester let her change the topic.

“Well she seemed to think she were getting back with him, and that he’d been trying to organise the date.”  Rae explained, “So I guess I were trying to help him out with organising it.”  She gave a confused look and shrugged her shoulders. 

“Why didn’t you tell her you were dating?”

“I didn’t know if Finn wanted her to know.”  Rae answered, “And I knew her reaction would be bad.”  Rae looked away, “She couldn’t believe that I’d slept with him when I told her.  Said he’d just used me for sex.  So how would she have gone with the idea of us going out?”

“That’s her problem not yours.”  Kester answered.

“No but it is my problem, cos I gotta deal with her while I’m telling her.” Rae retorted.  “She said that Finn made love to her and cried.”  Rae said softly.  “And all I could think about were the things he’d said about what it’d been like to be with her.  And… they didn’t match up.”  She lowered her eyes and pulled at the stitching of her hem more brutally. 

“The way she experienced something is likely to be different than the way he did… we’ve seen that from your therapy with Finn.”  Kester told her, “You two experience the same event very differently.”

“I know.”  Rae answered morosely, “And I thought afterwards that she’s so deluded…”

“But?” 

“But I want it over.”  Rae answered, “I want her in no doubt of Finn’s feelings.”  Rae frowned, “And she knew that the first time they fucked he didn’t wanna look at her.  Called it rough sex.”  Rae said with a vulnerable tone Kester had come to recognise so well, “so…” But she didn’t want to say it.

“So maybe they did make love?”  Kester said it for her and she nodded.  “Is it really a bad thing that he may have made love with another person?”  Rae shrugged defensively.

“No.”  Rae sulked, “I s’pose not.”  She tried to sound like she meant it, “And given the way he looks I’m surprised he hadn’t shagged half o’ Stamford afore he got to me.  So I s’pose…”  She took a deep breath, “I s’pose it’s fine.” 

“But?”  Kester asked again.

“But it’s not what he told me.”  Her tone was almost a plea for Kester to explain it.

“He might not see things the way Olivia does.”  Kester reminded Rae, “I suggest you ask him about it.” 

“Oh right?”  Rae answered sarcastically, “And how d’you propose I do that?”

“With your mouth and vocal chords.”  Kester answered deadpan and Rae gave him an unimpressed look.

“I haven’t even told him that he’s got a date.”  She confessed.

“Finn and you do much better when you both communicate.”  Kester reminded her and Rae nodded; she knew it was true, “When you bottle things up, they tend to fester.  In both of you; he’s as bad as you at this.”  Rae furrowed her brows, “and things get much bigger than they actually are when you two let them fester.”  Rae sighed loudly.

“I know.”  She groaned miserably.  “It’s hard to talk to him about everything all the time.”  She leaned back in the chair and put her hands over her stomach.  “I worry he gets sick o’ hearing me bang on about it.” 

“You need to tell him that too.”

“I know Kester!”  Rae snapped.  “It’s not just hard cos o’ that.”  She pulled a face, “it’s hard cos I don’t always know how I feel.” 

“You should probably tell him that as well.”  Rae shot up and glared at Kester.  He gave her a grim smile, “if I sound like a broken record, it’s because you’re making the same mistakes over and over again.” 

“Can’t I have some things to myself?”  Rae asked irritably. 

“Of course.”  Kester answered, trying to hide his amused grin, “but I think you know these things are different to the things you might want to keep to yourself.”  Rae sighed loudly.

“You’re still as intensely irritating as ever.” 

“Because you know I’m right.”  Kester answered with a grin, “And it’s still what I live for.”  

 

 

 

 

_ ‘It’s Like That’ by Run-D.M.C. vs Jason Nevins _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLGWQfK-6DY>

 

It was the gang’s first time in Tom and Archie’s place. 

Technically Archie had only been living in this house for 12 days; 11 days before London and 1 day since, but he still swanned around as if he’d always been here.  And Tom loved it; he grinned like a jackal as Archie showed them around, leaving Tom happily in the background. 

“You décor is perfect.”  Izzy marvelled happily and Tom raised his eyebrows.

“Of course it is.”  He laughed, “Isn’t that the ultimate gay stereotype!” 

“I’m pretty shit at it.”  Archie pulled a face, “Guess I’m a bad gay.” 

“The worst.”  Tom said with a satisfied grin and put his arm around Archie’s waist.

“So are we ready for our sophisticated Monday evening of port, sherry, cheese platters and board games?”  Rae asked.  Somehow on the drive home Chloe had concocted this idea as a way to come down from the luxury surroundings they’d been in in London, and she’d rung Rae excitedly from Rhys’s house to garner support for the idea.  Rae had instantly agreed, so Chloe had called Archie in a three-way phone call and the plan had been finalised when Archie had invited them to his place for the event. 

Archie and Tom had a five seater lounge; Finn instantly carving out a space for he and Rae, Chop and Izzy joining them on the 3 seater, leaving the two armchairs.  Chloe looked at them and then at the beautiful, antique looking wooden chair in the corner.  She pulled it out and sat down and Tom opened his mouth to stop her but paused as he watched her sit down.  Tom gave Archie a look, but he saw Archie trying to repress a grin and he felt himself nearly laugh as he saw Chloe trying to get comfortable in a chair that was designed to be uncomfortable.  Archie sat in the huge armchair and motioned for Tom to join him.  They both fit snuggly in the plush chair; Tom lounging across it, one leg hanging off one arm, his head, propped on his elbow on the other arm, Archie sitting in front of him, leaning back on his torso.

“Chlo, just take the other armchair.”  Chloe jumped up and sat in the huge armchair.  “Rhys can have… that chair when he gets here.”  Archie finished.

“Already has.”  Tom said softly to Archie and Archie gave him a slight grin. 

“Is Rhys already here?”  Izzy asked Tom surprised.

“No.”  Chloe answered with a strange look, having not heard Tom.

“I meant he’s already sat on that chair before, love, so he’s used to…. How uncomfortable it is.”  Tom finished carefully. 

“Yeah I didn’t wanna say anything but it’s really shitly designed chair!”  Chloe laughed.

“Ah but it looks good.”  Tom smiled graciously and Archie lowered his face to get his face under control. 

“When will he get here?”  Izzy asked as the door knocked.  Chloe grinned and jumped up instantly and went to the door, Tom again noting how quickly this group of people made a place their own.  He liked it a lot. 

“Still no Danny?”  Izzy asked and Rae shook her head.

“He’s been anxious lately, and his parents think that work five days a week is enough for him at the moment.”  Rae told them and Chop looked over with a concerned face.

“I’ll see if I can make him feel better at work.”  Chop said, “I know Alex has been giving him some shit, but I thought he were handling it.”  Chop scrunched up his face, “plus Joe’s been putting some pressure on, but I think Danny likes a bit of pressure with his work.  We both think Joe’s gonna sell soon.”

“Oh that’s exciting!”  Izzy exclaimed as Chloe was kissing Rhys hello.  Chloe looked over at the heavy wooden chair she’d moved and back at Rhys.

“That’s your seat.”  She teased and he shook his head.

“I am not sitting in that chair.”  Rhys answered with all seriousness and Tom broke out into laughter.  All eyes turned to Tom and then back to Rhys who bore a slight grin.  “Would you mind sitting on my lap?”  He asked Chloe and she shook her head.

“Course not.”  But she looked back at Tom who was still chuckling. 

“It’s designed to be uncomfortable.”  Archie explained, omitting some other facts about the chair that he didn’t think they needed to know, “Sort of a prank chair.”  He added.  And Chop grinned.

“I need to get me one o’ them!”  Chop exclaimed happily.  This set Tom off into guffaws and Archie subtly pinched him hard to shut him up, and then remembered that pain just turned him on.  He sighed; oh the horrors of dating a sadomasochist.  Rhys went to the armchair as Rae and Chloe narrowed their eyes at Archie and Tom curiously.  Finn chose to not think on the topic any further and Chop and Izzy simply accepted Archie’s explanation without question. 

“Alright Rae,” Chloe said as she dropped into Rhys’s lap and they wrapped their arms around each other, “You have to tell me what you two were doing in London two days earlier than the rest of us!”  Chloe raised her eyebrows expectedly and Rae looked at Finn for a moment.

“Sex.”  She answered evasively.

“You do that with us around anyway.”  Chloe retorted.

“Yeah, sitting right fucking next to you!”  Archie accused loudly. 

“What’s this?”  Tom laughed and Archie recounted, in embellished detail, the incident of Rae and Finn fucking on Chop’s lounge, Chop getting cranky about it again. 

“You fucking little bunny rabbits!”  Tom laughed.  Finn was so used to this kind of thing now that he didn’t even blush anymore when someone talked about his lust for Rae, or their sex life.  He pulled a face and shrugged. 

“So what did you need the alone time for?”  Chloe persisted.

“Fucking in the pool.”  Finn answered, again evading the question.

“I fucking swam in that pool!”  Chop said with a disgusted face. 

“It’s chlorinated.  You’re fine.”  Finn answered unapologetically.

“The Sutherland pool too?”  Archie asked and Finn gave him a look.

“What d’you think?”  He asked with a continuing blasé attitude to the conversation. 

“You two are fucking hopeless!”  Archie rolled his eyes, unimpressed. 

“Two days!”  Chloe persisted and Rae sighed and looked at Finn again.  He shrugged. 

“A late birthday present for Finn.”  Rae answered vaguely. 

“That we couldn’t be in on?”  Archie asked with furrowed brows.  Rae saw Tom look over at Rhys and they shared a look that told Rae that Tom understood. 

“They just needed some alone time, you heathens, relax!”  Tom piped in and Rae felt so grateful for his input.  Chloe narrowed her eyes at Rae, trying to figure it out; it wasn’t like Rae to keep secrets like this and it hurt her that she didn’t feel like she could trust her again; Chloe thought they were past this now.  Rhys saw Chloe’s expression and sighed.

“I would not have this come between your friendship, Rae and Chloe.”  He told them quietly and Chloe looked at Rhys surprised. 

“But…” Rae was keeping the secret because it was made clear to her and Finn that they were not to talk about what happened at the sex show. 

“I invited them to a club I am a member of.”  Rhys answered, “They were at that.”  They all looked at him and he shrugged.  “It is a closed community.”  Chloe furrowed her brows.

“Why wouldn’t you invite me?”  She sounded slightly hurt. 

“I will.”  Rhys answered, “If you want to go.” 

“What about Iz and me?”  Chop asked and Rhys turned his eyes to Chop and Izzy, clearly mulling it over. 

“Do we get to go?”  Archie asked on behalf of Tom and himself and Tom cleared his throat.  Archie turned his eyes to Tom.

“That might be the club Rhys and I met in.”  Tom confessed and Rhys nodded, “I’ll take you… on a Monday.”  He grinned and Rhys chuckled.

“You would go on Mondays.”  He shook his head.

“I could take him on a Thursday… but that’s a bit boring really.”  Tom shot back.  Archie looked at him confused.  “I was just a bar tender there.”  Tom said, “Nothing exciting.” 

“Oh.”  Chloe suddenly understood and looked back to Rhys, “They won’t judge you.”  She whispered to him.

“I don’t care about people judging me Chloe.”  He answered softly but they all heard him, “It’s a closed community that is why I don’t speak about it.”

“We were told not to tell anyone.”  Rae agreed. 

“Oh now I need to know what this fucking is!”  Chop exclaimed and Izzy put a hand on his thigh.

“It’s private Chop.”  She admonished him and he furrowed his brow.  Rhys continued to look hard at Izzy and Chop.

“I am going to tell you all what it is.”  Rhys said softly, “and it’s not going to leave this room for two reasons.  One, it’s very illegal.  And two because this is a closed community who only accept people who are invited.  And not everyone gets the right to invite people.”  Rhys continued, “And if you invite someone who… makes the wrong kind of scene… you can have your inviting privileges revoked.”  Rhys looked at each one of them, “I trust you to not speak of this to anyone who isn’t in this room, ever, no matter how tempted you will be to do so.” 

“This sounds so intense and scary.”  Izzy said with wide eyes and Tom chuckled.

“It is on Monday nights!”  Tom said with a cheeky grin.  Rhys cocked an eyebrow at him and ignored his words. 

“It’s a kind of performance night.”  Rhys said, “That lasts anywhere from 2 hours to 6 hours.”  He stroked Chloe’s back slightly, “It runs on week nights only.  And it’s not like a normal performance that’s open to just anyone to come and sit in an audience.”  He looked at Rae and Finn apologetically, “There’s more involvement from the audience in these closed community performances.”  Rhys continued, “In the legal version of these shows that are held in some parts of Europe, the divide between the audience and the performers is quite rigid.”  He nodded for Rae to speak and she took a deep breath.

“Um… not so much with the illegal version.”  She said with a slightly higher pitched voice, “I mean we didn’t get involved, but several people from the audience did.”  She continued, “And… well there was a lot of stuff happening in the audience.  And the bartender was a bit of knob to me!”  She turned to Tom and he grinned.

“It’s part o’ the job su-” He stopped and shut his mouth quickly and looked down as Rae tried not to blush.  He’d nearly called her sub.  Of course he’d know that the bartenders were knobs to the subs, Rae chastised herself, telling herself she shouldn’t have said that.  But Archie had caught that and he made an understanding noise in the back of his throat. 

“So it’s theatre?”  Chop asked with a confused face, “Who gives a fuck about that?” 

“What kind of theatre?”  Izzy asked astutely.  Rhys looked at Rae and Finn, seeing if one of them wanted to say it.

“Live sex shows.”  Tom said bluntly. 

“Holy fuck!”  Chop said, “Why the fuck didn’t you take me, lad?”  Chop asked Finn and Finn narrowed his eyes.

“Nope.”  He answered shaking his head, “We could never go on the same night.” 

“Aye definitely not!”  Rae said firmly. 

“But I can go on another night with Izzy?”  And then it dawned on him, “Wait… audience participation?”  He looked at Rae and Finn with a shocked face.

“Not us!”  Rae reminded him, “But… there was a lot of sex everywhere…”

“You’d probably like a more traditional sex show Chop.”  Rhys told him and he turned to him with a scrunched up face.  “With a less intense show and a strong divide between audience and performers.”

“Would they try and take Izzy up on the stage?”  He asked.

“The main performer for the night wanted a threesome with us.”  Finn told him and Chop frowned thoughtfully.

“Who was on?”  Tom asked.

“Um… Gina and Tom.”  Finn answered, “Pandora,” This elicited and wince from both men, “And Dominick.” 

“I fucking knew it was Dominick!”  Tom laughed, “He doesn’t normally play with boys.  But you look so much like him Finn, and he’s such a narcissist!”  Rhys chuckled in agreement with Tom.  “And he’s right into bigger girls too.”  Tom shook his head, “You two are like a wet dream for him!” 

“Hey Rhys, I have a theory… Do they plant girls in the audience for Dominick to take up on the stage?”

“Sometimes.”  Rhys answered, “The way to know is whether he used a condom or not.  If he did, she’s a real audience member.  If he didn’t…”

“I knew she was a plant!”  Rae answered with triumph. 

“Was it a short show from Pandora?”  Rhys asked, almost fondly and Finn nodded slowly, suddenly understanding why their drinks were free at the sex show; Rhys had been a performer there.  “You should watch a long show of hers.”  He advised.  “In about a year or two, when you’re ready for it.” 

“If you’re ever ready for it!”  Tom laughed and Rhys laughed loudly with him.

“She freaked me the fuck out!”  Finn answered and both Tom and Rhys laughed even more. 

“You wouldn’t be human if she couldn’t freak you out!”  Tom answered.  “What did she do that fucked you up the most?’  Tom asked with a knowing grin.

“She had Eve piss on a guy!”  Finn answered.  Chop opened his mouth in disgust and Izzy dropped her head to the side in confused contemplation.  Chloe blinked and looked back at Rhys, slightly shocked.

“Holy shit.”  Archie chuckled.

“Who the fuck’s Eve?”  Tom asked Rhys and he shrugged.

“New protégé I suspect.”  Rhys answered and Tom shrugged back in response. 

“Watersports are nothing to scat play.”  Tom told them, “Watching a full length Pandora show will fuck you up in more ways than you can count.”  He started to laugh, “She’s the only woman I ever considered actually fucking.”  Tom shook his head.  “Though if we’re honest I would have just let her peg the fuck outta me… cos I weren’t gonna be fucking her.”

“No one fucks Pandora.”  Rhys agreed.

“She fucks you.”  Tom laughed. 

“What the fucking fuck is pegging?”  Chop asked, half curious, half afraid of what the answer might be.  Finn looked over at his friend and realised that this world was not for Chop; he wouldn’t cope with all the weird shit down this rabbit hole.

“It’s when a woman wears a strap-on and fucks a man.”  Rhys explained and Tom chuckled as Chop scrunched up his face; Chop had only seen women use strap-ons on each other in his pornos. 

“Alright, sex education time is over!”  Chop laughed uncomfortably and looked over at Finn who shrugged nonchalantly, but internally he was worrying that Rae wanted to peg as well as just get a finger up there. 

“So did anything ever happen with you and Pandora?”  Archie asked intrigued.

“She’s way more intense than me sexually.”  Tom laughed, “So I never explored that urge.”  Tom said regretfully.

“Someone you weren’t willing to take on even though you wanted to?”  Archie asked astonished.

“I know!”  Tom laughed. 

“I have to meet her!” 

“She’s usually on, on a Monday night.  Not so often on a Wednesday night though.”  He furrowed his brows and Rhys shrugged in reply to his questioning tone.  “Gotta prepare you for a Monday night Archer!”  Tom laughed and Archie shrugged as if to say he was game. 

“This club’s not for Izzy and me.”  Chop said slowly and turned to Finn, “You fucking win on the freaky shit scale.” 

“Speak for yourself!”  Izzy joked, but Rae detected a lot more curiosity than she was letting on. 

“It weren’t that bad.”  Finn said, “Alright yeah, Pandora… she’s… intense.”  He admitted, “But the rest were fine.”

“Were you a bartender too?”  Chop turned to Rhys as if his whole world was being redefined.

“I was a performer.”  Rhys answered honestly and all eyes flicked to Chloe instantly.

“I already knew.”  She shook her head. 

“Did you get pissed on?”  Chop asked Rhys, trying to hide his look of disgust, very unsuccessfully.

“Chop!”  Izzy hit his arm.

“What?”  He asked back incredulous that he was in trouble for asking.

“That’s private!”  She told him.

“It were done on a fucking stage; it’s not private.”  Chop countered.

“Haven’t you been listening?  It’s a closed community!”  Izzy explained exasperated, “He might not want us to know what he did back then for them!” 

“It’s ok Izzy.”  He told her reassuringly, “No I haven’t done watersports.”  Rhys told them.

“Good.  Cos my facial muscles don’t have the strength or power to fully portray enough disgust for that…” Chop shook his head and looked at Finn.

“I’m not judging.”  Finn shrugged and Chop screwed up his face.

“I fucking am.”  He only half joked. 

“Pandora was an eye-opener though.”  Finn looked over at Rhys, “D’you know her well?”

“I have worked with Pandora.”  He took a deep breath, “But it’s been a while since I saw any of that community.”

“Well they still remember you.”  Rae said, “Free drinks for us.”  Rhys nodded.

“Free entrance too?”  He asked and saw Rae and Finn give him a confused look. 

“It’s £100 per person entry fee.”  Rhys told them, “They gotta pay for that set up, and the performers.”  He told them as if it were obvious, “Bar and condom sales don’t cover it all.”  He grinned, “I knew they’d let you in for free.”  He nodded, “Wasn’t expecting the free drinks.  Who was on at the bar?”

“I never got his name.”  Rae said, “But he were an older fella with blue eyes and-”

“Sid.”  Rhys said slowly and Tom smiled fondly. 

“You didn’t need to be in London alone for that; could have gone to the show and just left us at home.”  Chloe said and Rae gave her a look.

“We wasn’t gonna tell anyone we was going.”  Rae explained, “It were easier that way.”  She looked up at Rhys, “Sorry the secret didn’t last long.”  She gave him an apologetic smile and he shrugged.

“I am learning that this is a group of friends that rarely keeps things from each other.” 

“Even though sometimes I wish we did!”  Archie laughed. 

“Oh Archie!”  Chloe laughed and kicked him gently with her outstretched toes, barely able to reach him.  “How would we ever learn if we did?” 

“I was gonna suggest that us eight go away for at least a week together every summer, but now I’m not sure…” He turned to Finn, “Me best mate might be too busy for that!”

“Leave off!”  Finn shook his head and rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t stop the playful grin from kissing his lips. 

“I think that’s an awesome idea!”  Izzy said excitedly.

“I second the idea!”  Rae added.

“Thirded and motion passed.”  Chloe added.

“I like how we got a say in that.”  Chop complained merrily.  “I suppose I’m captain fucking accommodation for these outings?”  He asked grumpily.

“Of course!”  Rae laughed, “Now where’s the sherry?”  Rae asked them.

“I saw it in the kitchen!”  Chloe said, “I’ll get it.”  She jumped up.

“Piss break.”  Finn got up and headed for the bathroom.  Izzy started asking questions about the sex show, Chop’s brows furrowed and Rae tried to answer them, Rhys and Tom interjecting occasionally, while Chloe brought things in from the kitchen, refusing any help; she could hear about this from Rhys later if she wanted, and he and Tom were needed here to help Rae tell the stories to Izzy, Chop and Archie. 

Finn washed his hands thoughtfully and shook his head; another thing he’d prefer people didn’t know about him was now known.  This level of openness was taking some getting used to; he’d much prefer to keep these things to himself.  But Rae was a talker, and the gang was nosy; a little bit of bragging was one thing… but sometimes it was just ridiculous how much they knew about him now.  He sighed and decided to get some water from the kitchen before he headed back in.  He walked in to see Chloe sorting through the fridge.

“Hey.”  He said, “Know where the glasses are?”  She turned round to him and lowered her eyes.

“That cupboard.”  She pointed at it, “I’ll just leave.”  She turned to go, knowing that Finn had firmly decided that he would spend no time alone with her since the night she had kissed him.

“No Chlo.”  Finn stopped her, “it’s alright.”  Chloe turned her eyes back to him surprised.  “We’re alright.”  He shrugged.  She nodded slowly, considering this.

“I’m glad.”  She replied.  “I’ve missed being friends.”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed, “You love him huh?”  Finn asked in a tone that was not questioning and she nodded.  “I could tell from the bar fight.”  Finn grinned, “You felt that rage right?”  He asked, “It’s like nothing else.”

“I never knew I could feel like that.”  Chloe agreed.

“Can’t even explain it?”  He asked her and she nodded, “but you had to protect him from this fucked up world?” 

“Yeah.”  She nodded slowly, “That fucker you head-butted at the pub.”  Chloe said, “I remember what he said to Rae… About Rae.”  She lowered her eyes, “I understand how you felt.”

“I don’t know anything about racism.  It’s probably a whole different thing.”  He said, “But I know what it is to want to defend the person you love against this world.”  Finn said emotionally, “It’s a hard battle.”  He sighed, “But you’re tough enough Chlo.”  He told her, “Even though it’ll never stop, and the way people treat him will never stop breaking your heart.”  She lowered her eyes, feeling the sting of tears.

“Thanks.” 

“It’s alright me ol’ pal.”  He gave her a hug and she gratefully returned it.

“Thank you for introducing me to him.”  She said as she pulled out of the hug. 

“I didn’t think anything would come of it Chlo.”  Finn chuckled, “You don’t seem like his type… or him yours.”  He added, “But you work well somehow.  And I’m real glad to see you happy.  You do deserve it.” 

“You too.”  Chloe told him.  “And he… he gets me.”  Chloe said, “Like more than I even get myself sometimes!”  She laughed.  “And he doesn’t judge me.  And… he’s not like anyone on this planet.”  Finn nodded; he knew that.  “He’s tough enough for me too.”  She grinned.

“Aye that he is.” 

“Now hold this plate o’ cheese, you.”  Chloe turned back to the fridge and gave him the plate of cheese.  “And this one o’ fruit too.”  When they returned Chloe set up the table and Finn started to pour out drinks for everyone.

“None for me.”  Izzy said morosely.  They all turned their eyes to her, “Me oncologist says me last blood test show me liver’s struggling.”  She sighed, “I can’t imagine what it’ll be like on the tests I just had done today.”  She grimaced, “You was right Tom.” 

“I wish I hadn’t been.”  He answered sympathetically, “For once.”  He grinned cheekily and she grinned back.  “I usually quite enjoy being right.” 

“Well maybe we can all stay sober with Izzy?”  Archie suggested and when everyone, except izzy said ‘seconded,’ Archie broke out in a grin, “I think we can call that motion passed.”  He stood up and helped Chloe take the sherry back out to the kitchen and they came back with water and some coke.

“We don’t have a whole lot o’ soft drinks.”  Archie gave Tom a look, “So it’ll be mostly water.

“Captain fucking health over here.”  Chop gave an unimpressed look to Tom and Tom shrugged.

“Yeah but look at how fucking amazing I look!”  He retorted and Chop frowned.

“I look fucking amazing too!”  Chop answered grumpily.

“Yes you do baby.”  Izzy soothed.

“O’ course you look fabulous.”  Tom agreed, “This is a particularly good looking group o’ people.”  He added.

“I don’t know how we all manage to go out in public together and not blind the public with our general brilliance.”  Chloe agreed

“And remarkable high levels of beauty.”  Rae grinned, Finn turned to look at her and tightened his arm round her waist, proud that she was feeling beautiful right now. 

“We should probably run our own live sex show!”  Izzy added and Rhys laughed incredulously.  “What?”  She asked, “We’d make a killing!” 

“Except we’d be so vanilla everyone’d get bored watching us!”  Rae answered, “Except for them two.”  She pointed at Tom and Archie.

“That’s alright, we’ll carry the business.”  Archie answered shaking his head wearily, “I always knew I was destined for the stage.” 

“Destined for a school room teaching history more like.”  Rae countered and Archie chuckled.

“I’m thinking academia.”  Archie replied.  “Being a uni lecturer.”

“Aye, that’d suit you.”  Finn said thoughtfully.  “When d’you head overseas?”

“Well we gotta wait for Rhys to get back from Nigeria…”  Archie looked over at him. 

“I’m only going for a week or two.”  He answered, “I can’t afford the time off work.” 

“And you’re heading over at the end of September?”  Tom asked.

“Mid-September.”

“So are we safe to book our tickets for early October?”

“Yeah.”  Rhs answered Tom.

“Happy to spend your Christmas and New Year’s on a tropical beach somewhere?”  Tom asked Archie.

“Ah yeah, but I gotta be back for New Year’s.”  Archie grinned, “Gotta spend it with the gang.” 

“That’s right!”  Chloe agreed, “It’s the law.” 

“Alright, so September 29th to December 29th?”  Tom asked and Archie nodded.

“My mum’s gonna hit the roof about Christmas!”  He grimaced.  Tom looked over to Rhys and he nodded that he’d be back in time to oversee the business they were building together. 

“You’re mum’s an angel.”  Tom countered, “We’ll charm her into forgiving us.” 

They drank through the coke in no time, and ate cheese and fruit and nuts, while they talked late into the afternoon.  Eventually everyone had to go home for dinner; Rhys was staying to talk over the business with Tom, so Archie decided to go to Chloe’s for dinner instead. 

Rae drove the car and Finn leaned back, smoking comfortably, watching the world go by.

“Poor Chop.”  Rae was saying, “He thinks he wants that kind of thing…”

“Did you get the feeling that Izzy were more open to it than Chop?”  Finn asked, sounding a little surprised by it.

“Yes!”  Rae laughed, “Little Izzy might actually be a deviant!” 

“I think it’s the cancer.”  Finn answered.

“What?  Messing with her brain?”  Rae frowned.

“No I mean, she’s had a death scare.”  Finn tried to explain, “So she’s more daring now.”

“Well so have we.”  Rae answered.

“Aye but hers is ongoing.”  Rae turned her eyes to him and cocked an eyebrow before looking back at the road, “aye so is ours.”  He agreed, “But not in the same way.”

“She’s said to Chlo and me that life could be short for her…” Rae eventually agreed.

“It’s made her more open to everything I think.  Less afraid.”  Finn sucked his bottom lip in thought, “I think she might break up with Chop if he doesn’t keep up.” 

“No way.”  Rae answered shaking her head, “She loves him.”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed, “But the fear of dying might push her to… push him too hard.”  Finn looked at Rae, “He’s kinda become more conservative since this happened, like Izzy’s life is so precious…”  Finn tried to find the right words, “He’s scared o’ losing her, so he wants to wrap her up in cotton wool.”

“Aye I’ve noticed that a wee bit.”  Rae said, “But he always been like that a little.”

“It’s slowly getting worse.”  Finn said, “Did you see him fretting over the coke she were drinking today?”  Finn asked, “Every time she gets a result back like that liver one; he’s gonna slip a little more into panic about losing her.” 

“Well how do we stop it?”  Rae fretted.

“It’s not our business Rae.” 

“But it is!”  Rae countered, “Everything that affects the gang is our business.” 

“Alright.”  Finn caved in with a grin, knowing she’d win this before he’d even raised the topic, “I guess I’ll try and work on Chop’s fear.  If he lets me.”

“You’re good with overcoming fear.”  Rae told him and Finn took a moment to appreciate that compliment; he’d been working very hard on his own fear and the resultant temper it produced.  It meant a lot to him that she saw it.  “And I think me and Chlo are friends again.”  He said it carefully, even though he didn’t expect anything negative from Rae, he still worried that she worried. 

“Good.”  She answered, “So it only took her falling in love for you to forgive her, huh?”

“You think she’s in love?”

“You don’t?”  Rae turned her eyes to him momentarily before looking back at the road.  Finn thought about it.

“She obviously loves him very much.”  Finn answered noncommittal. 

“My best mate is so deeply in love with that man it’s almost painful to watch.”  Rae told him, “Cos she don’t know it yet.  And neither does he.”  Rae continued, “Which is odd, cos Rhys usually knows most things before everyone else.”  Rae mused, “He’s a good observer.” 

“I think he’s a little blinded by his own love for Chloe.”  Finn replied, “Do you think he’s in love with her?” 

“Not yet.”  Rae answered, “Rhys is a slow faller.”  She nodded, “But he’s well on the way.” Finn nodded slowly.

“That’s what I thought too.”  He agreed, “But I thought he were more in love with her than she was with him.”  Rae shook her head. 

“Watch ‘em closer next time.”  She said assuredly.  “But before we know it he’ll be irrevocably in love with her.  He’s just taking his sweet time cos I got the feeling that it really is irrevocable for him, you know what I mean?” 

“Oh aye.”  Finn agreed.  “I know what that’s like.”  He grinned when she saw her smile, “But I fell fast and gracelessly.”  She laughed, “He at least has the good luck to do it slow and poetically.”  Finn shook his head, “Bastard.”  He joked.  

“I liked your accidental stumble into love.”  Rae laughed, “It matched me own.”  He put his hand on her thigh and enjoyed the silence with her; both of them grinning happily.  His mind turned to the future; it had been doing that more often lately, planning out how things were going to go for the next five, ten, fifteen years.  He really needed to talk to her before he got himself all excited with his plans.  But for now, this happy silence was too gold to break. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Joga’ by Bjork _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufRQiKKI3Fg>

 

“Bloody hell.”  Rae mumbled, “All aboard the train to Gushington Central.”  She held the bottle of beer in her hand, her eyes travelling down his body slowly as he leant over their car giving it the tuning he said he would.  He heard her speak and turned back to her.

“Oh hey.”  He grinned, “What d’you say?”

“Oh nothing.”  She lied and held up the beer.

“Cheers.”  He took the already opened beer from her and took a swig. 

“How’s Mallratuk?”

“Mallratuk?”  Finn asked, his brows furrowed.

“It’s my name for her.”  Rae nodded at their car and Finn looked back at the car blankly. 

“Oh right!”  He nodded, “nice.”  He turned back to Rae, “She’s doing just fine.  Except she really does need new tyres.  We could only get second hand ones when we first put her together.”  He explained, “I’m gonna drain the oil.”  He kissed her lips, keeping his grease-covered hands to himself, “then I’m gonna come upstairs, have a shower, and install some fucking hooks in my room.”  He gave her a teasing kiss, his tongue tracing across her lips before he pulled back and looked her up and down. 

“How long will you be?” 

“No more than an hour.”  He replied.

“Right, well I might go upstairs and rub one out.”  She grinned and he opened his mouth in mock outrage.

“You dirty fucking tease.”  He barely finished his sentence before she was kissing him, her arms around his neck, her body pressing to his.  He put his hands behind his back so he wouldn’t ruin her clothes and allowed the deep frustration to settle over him; he so wanted to touch her. 

“Are you fucking barmy?”  He asked as he felt her hand slip into his pants and raised his eyes to the neighbours’ windows.

“I thought we already knew the answer to that?”  She teased and he groaned deeply as she rubbed his cock roughly, “Quite an exercise in self-control for you innit?”  She chuckled happily, noting his hands, still held behind his back. 

“You don’t watch it girl, you’re gonna get your clothes ruined.”  He answered in a dangerous tone that made Rae’s cunt throb in anticipation. 

“But you like this shirt.”  She whispered.

“I like anything on you.”  He replied.  “But I prefer nothing on you.”  They kissed again, Rae contemplating going down on him in the driveway.

“Hello you two!”  Gary said and walked past them without looking, Rae froze, her hand down Finn’s pants and looked over at him, “Can you put my car in the garage when you’re done Finn?  I’m just parked behind you.”  Gary opened the front door and closed it behind him, having not made eye contact with either of them.  Finn watched the door close and let out the breath he’d held.

“I think we got him trained well.”  Rae chuckle, “He knows better than to look!”  Finn chuckled softly.

“Aye.”  He shook his head.  “Bloody hell.” 

“Still startles like you been caught though.”  Rae agreed with Finn’s bemused stare at the door.

“Go keep me da company for his lunch break.”  Finn said, “After he’s gone, I’m gonna do so many things to you…”

“Like let me watch you install hooks?”  She teased and bit his bottom lip eliciting a husky moan from him.  He didn’t reply, just watched her head inside.  At the last minute he noticed she wasn’t wearing tights and groaned.  She got to the front door and looked up and down the street before lifting it up, flashing her perfect arse at him. 

“Fuck you!”  He groaned, “You fucking cock tease.”  He started laughing as she gave him a wide-eyed look over her shoulder, as if she were completely innocent of all charges laid against her.  His tongue went to his front teeth desirously as she slowly lifted the skirt again.  Finn made a satisfied noise in the back of his throat when he saw that pale skin of hers in the sun.  And then the skirt was back down and she was gone, he could hear her loudly greeting his father inside. 

“You’re gonna be the fucking death o’ me girl.  Death from chronic erection.”  He turned back to the car, completely unable to focus and thought wistfully about Rae’s body for a good five minutes before he got himself under control and started working again. 

 

 

The leftover hotpot was sitting nicely in her stomach as she watched him finish up putting hooks in various places that could be hidden fairly easily, but very useful for their fun.  Finn had carefully sounded out the beams and used his father’s electric drill to make a hole before screwing them in by hand.  When he had asked to use the drill, his father had told him he had something to tell him later on and then reminded him he didn’t need to ask to use the tools. 

_What could me da be talking about?  It’s not like him to say he had something to talk about and not talk about it.  Wonder if it’s about mum._

Finn looked back at Rae as he screwed in the last hook.  She was laying back on his bad, her dark hair splayed across his pillow.  He’d taken to putting pale coloured sheets and pillow cases on the bed so he could see the way her hair splayed better.  His eyes lingered at her face as she looked up at the ceiling, listening to the music, and then slowly traversed down her body to where her skirt rode up just high enough for him to almost see her vagina.

_Holy fuck._

_Fuck she’s sexy.  I’m gonna have to have her._

_Is it normal to still be like this eight months into the relationship?_

_Shouldn’t I have simmered down a bit by now?_

_I wonder if she’s sick o’ me always wanting to put me dick in her._

_Well she does tease though.  Wearing that short skirt without knickers and flashing her bare arse and putting her hand down me pants…_

_It’s pretty obvious she’s actually as randy as I am._

_How fucking lucky am I?_

_Bloody hell look at those legs for days…_

_Look at her grinning; she knows I’m perving on her.  Bloody tease knows exactly what she does to me._

He turned back to finish screwing in the hook when the phone rang.  They waited for a moment; Gary had obviously gone back to work.  Rae picked up Finn’s extension and answered in a sweet voice as she let her skirt ride up even higher, Finn watching from the corner of his eye. 

“Hello?”  Finn saw her face drop.

_Oh no what’s happened?_

“Uh he’s busy right now…”  Rae looked over at him, “Yeah it’s Rae.”  Finn finished screwing in the hook and held out his hand to take the phone but Rae shook her head.  There was a long pause while Rae made a few noises to indicate she was listening.  “Right.  Ok.  I’ll let him know.”  Finn furrowed his brows and looked over at his clock, he sucked his teeth, wondering who was on the phone for him.  “No I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”  There was another long pause, “Yeah right well I gotta go.”  She said awkwardly, another long pause.

_Fuck, the other person does like to rabbit on._

Finn sat on the bed beside her.

“Alright!  Bye!”  Finn heard the false friendliness in her tone and kept his eyes on her face as she put the phone down and stared at the floor for a moment; clearly gathering her thoughts.  She looked up at Finn.

_Oh god, why does she look so afraid?_

_What’s wrong with me girl?_

“I may have done something…” Rae said carefully, “That might make you angry.”

_What?_

Rae watched him furrow his brows at her.

_What’s she think she done to make me mad?_

_Daft girl.  I couldn’t be angry at my Rae._

He saw her watching him, waiting for a reply and he nodded for her to continue.  She licked her lips and looked away.  He watched her chest raise with a deep breath. 

_Right, she needs comforting Finn._

“It’s alright.”  He said, “I won’t be angry.”  She chuckled cynically in response.

“Yes you will.”

_Alright, she’s stalling.  That means it’s something big._

“Well we’re not gonna know until you tell me, are we?”  Rae sucked her bottom lip and shook her head.

“I’m so sorry.”  She whispered, “But I had good reason… I think…”

_Oh shit._

_This is gonna be very bad._

_Alright.  Brace yourself Finn._

Rae watched his face grow determined and he nodded slowly.

“It’s alright.” 

“Oh fuck, you won’t say that when you know.” 

_She’s really stalling…_

_What did she fuck Liam or something?_

_Oh god brain, don’t go down that path._

_Maybe she set up a luncheon for you and Dillip.  That’d be fucking ironic wouldn’t it?_

_Shit I gotta tell her about that dinner.  She gonna be so mad at me._

“What is it Rae?”  Finn asked, trying to put those thoughts out of his head.  

“I may or may not have… very accidentally…” Rae said earnestly, “Set you up… on an ever so teeny tiny date…” She watched Finn’s brows furrow.

_The fuck?_

“With Olivia…”  She almost winced the words out. 

“The fuck?”  Finn asked incredulously. 

“I saw her before we went to London and she was wearing yellow, and she looked like a goddess, and she was laughing and friendly and she kissed my cheek and-”

_And now the words come flooding out so I can barely think or reply._

_Fuck Rae…_

“And then she were like, we’re gonna get back together… and he’s trying to set up a date and-”

“That’s a fucking lie!”  Finn burst out angrily.

“I’m not lying…”

_Oh fuck, she looks hurt…_

“Not you; her!”  Finn struggled to calm his anger.  “Please continue.”  He said through gritted teeth.

“She’s so beautiful.”  Rae said, “And she were like the sun and I couldn’t tell her that…”

“We’re together?”

“She wouldn’t believe me anyway…”  Rae tried to explain, “When I told her we’d had sex she said you was probably just using me for sex and that…”  Rae stopped and lowered her eyes.

_Oh shit… Olivia said something that got under me girl’s skin…_

“What’d she say?”

“Nothing, don’t worry.”  Rae said numbly, “I told her you two must have had a real close relationship for those few weeks.”  Rae tried to grin and Finn scoffed slightly. 

“Nice.”  He replied. 

“That was her just moving the date of your dinner date forward to this Friday, still at ‘your place’ though.”  Rae swallowed hard.

“That’s tomorrow night Rae.”  Finn answered irritably.

“Yes.”  Rae answered demurely.

“So I gotta call her and cancel.”  Finn nodded.  “Alright.  Then we’re gonna talk about this more.”  He leaned towards the phone but Rae stopped him.

“You have to go.”

_The fuck is she on about?_

“Why?” 

_Oh your tone sounds so hard and angry Finn, watch it mate._

“I’m sorry.”  She lowered her eyes.

“No Rae I’m not angry at you.”

“You should be…” She raised her eyes slowly to him, “I just…”  She struggled with finding the right words, “It’s just… the way she talked Finn… she sounded like she were still in love with you… like you two had something so loving and intimate.”  She lowered her eyes, “And she really thought she could get back with you.”

“Well that’s her problem, not yours.”  Finn answered, “And not mine.”  Rae was struck by how similar Finn sounded to Kester in that sentence.

“Yeah.”  She answered unimpressed, “I don’t think it’s fair for her to be wondering around thinking like she got a chance when she don’t.”  Rae said firmly, “So you need to go on this date with her and tell her.” 

_Holy shit._

_She’s… set me up with Olivia like I have her with Phil…_

Rae scrunched up her face when Finn started to laugh.

“This isn’t funny Finn!”  Rae told him firmly, “She is so deluded, she really thinks she’s got a chance.”  Rae took a deep breath, “And… I… I guess I know she doesn’t.”

“You guess?”  He said with a huge grin.  “Well that’s better than you thinking she does I s’pose.”  He sighed, “Alright, but what else did she say?

“I told you nothing.”  She lowered her eyes again.

“And you are far too obvious when you lie to me girl.”  Finn answered and looked at her face steadily.  “So I’ll sit here and wait for you to tell me what she said, cos it’s bothering you.”  Rae sighed and nodded slowly. 

“Aye.”  She said softly. 

_Now just be silent and wait for her to speak._

_Go’ Finn, remember that used to be what you just did?  Now you gotta tell yourself to shut your mouth._

_Oh she’s picking at her fingers again._

_It’s bad._

_What could Olivia have told her?_

_You gotta stop her picking at herself like that; she’ll make herself bleed._

Finn took her hand into his and she looked up at him. 

“She said that…”  Rae looked at his concerned face, “She said you two made such sweet love together that you cried.”  Finn’s mouth opened in silent shock, he blinked a few times and looked away, his brows furrowing.

_Holy shit…_

_How did that even come up…?_

_Oh fuck…_

_More o’ this fucking shite to explain._

_Fuck I should’ve told her in the first place..._

“I never cried.”  Finn said firmly.  “And we never really made love… though I can see why it looked like it to her.”  Finn conceded before looking away embarrassed. 

“You don’t have to tell me about your past love life.”  Rae shrugged and looked away.  “I just… it upset me cos you said…”

“You are the only woman I’ve made love with Rae.”  Finn reassured her, “I did not lie to you.”  He looked back at her.  “After I decided to try and make something of it with Olivia… I figured it weren’t really nice to always be fucking her from behind.”  He put a hand over his eyes, “So I tried to go with me on top… but…”

_Oh fuck this is so embarrassing_

Finn looked away, not really wanting to admit this. 

“But?”  Rae asked.

_Yeah, yeah, I’m getting there girl… just give me a minute…_

“But I couldn’t get it up.”  He answered staring ahead, not looking at Rae.

“Were you dr-”

“No I was not drunk.”  He answered, “I hadn’t had any alcohol… I just… I had been treating her like… an object to fuck up until then.”  Finn said ashamed, “And when I had to look at her face.”  He sighed.

“She became a person.”  Rae thought she understood.

“Aye.”  Finn answered sadly, “And she wasn’t you.”  Rae hated that he wouldn’t look at her when he talked about hard things like this, but she understood it, “And I told myself, ‘well you can’t have Rae… so make it work with this nice lass…’ so I… I tried to imagine she were you.”

“Oh.”  Rae said softly, not sure how she felt.

“I weren’t very good at it… it made me real sad.  For Olivia, cos she deserved better.  And for me cos… I were so in love with you and…” Finn looked at her with a grim face, “I figured if I tried enough, I could make myself have feelings for Olivia, cos we both deserved to be happy.  And I couldn’t have you, so maybe…”  He looked away again and sighed, scratching his neck absentmindedly.  “That’s why I understand Phil so much.”  He said unexpectedly.  “That’s why I know he probably won’t ever get over you, cos I couldn’t.”  He looked at Rae, “But you’re right, Olivia… and Phil… deserve a clear answer, so they got a chance to move on and find happiness.”  He looked down.  “Although breaking up with her should o’ been clear enough…”  Finn shook her head. 

“I don’t know how to give Phil a clear answer.”  Rae said, “It’s not like he tells me how he feels.”  Finn nodded slowly.

“What if he did?” 

“I don’t know if I could be as hard as you were with Stacey.”  Rae said honestly, “But I would tell him that-”

“You don’t need to tell me how you’d answer.”  Finn said, “Just that you’d be clear with him.”

“Very.”  She said honestly. 

“Good.”  Finn said bracingly, “Cos I set you up on a date with him.”

“What?”  Anger exploded from her and she shot off the bed.  “How dare you!” 

“You can’t be mad at me for doing the same thing you did.”  Finn shrugged and watched her mouth open with an angry retort and then snap shut, her nostrils flared as her eyes narrowed. 

“Did you set this thing up in London?”  Finn nodded and she put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

“So you set my date up before I set yours up.”  He grinned slightly.

“Don’t you try and get out o’ this Finlay McCay Nelson.”  She replied curtly, “You telling an ex-girlfriend who’s trying to get back with you that there’s no hope is infinitely different to me losing a friend.” 

“D’you really think you’ll lose one of us?”  He asked seriously and she glared at him.

“Why d’you say ‘one of us’ like that?”  She asked, “You know I’m gonna lose Phil.” 

“No I don’t.”

“What you think he’ll still be fine to be my buddy after I break his heart…?  Especially if he loves me the way you think he does.”

“Assuming you break his heart.”  Finn answered and Rae paused, her face frozen.

“What do you mean?”  She asked softly.

“I know you got feelings for him.”  Finn answered simply.

“He’s my mate.  I got feelings for Chop too…”

“No.  Not like this.”  Finn answered, “I can see that it’s more than that.”

“No it’s not!”  Rae said angrily.

“Alright it’s not.”  Finn answered with a shrug.  “But we both need to know.”

“I do know!”  Rae said with an incredulous face, “How could you not?”

“You need to go to dinner with Phil.”  Finn ignored her question, “And let him try and woo you, and let yourself feel what you feel.”  Finn answered.

“I already know what I feel.”  Rae’s voice was angry and verging on belligerent. 

“Alright, then it won’t make any difference if you go to this thing and do what I’m asking then, will it?” 

“You’re asking me to go on a date, and explore the possibility that I might love Phillip!”  Rae exploded, “How is that in any way…” She stopped, too angry to continue.  She took a few deep breaths.

_Oh shit Finn… don’t lose your nerve now…_

“See… the difference in the way I replied to the Olivia situation… and the way you replied to Phil situation… tells me… that you need to know… more than Phil or me…”  Finn said softly.

“I DO KNOW!”  She exploded angrily and Finn lowered his head, ready to wait out the storm.  But she was silent, her wide, furious eyes resting on him.  He looked up. 

“I won’t ask what happened at the dinner.”  He said, “So you can explore your feelings for him.”  Finn said, “In whatever way… you want.”  His eyes slowly lowered as he spoke, Rae’s stayed glued on him.  “I know you got feelings for him.”  He said softly again, apologetically, “So… so make sure you made the right decision being with me instead o’ him.” 

_Oh fuck, she’s being silent._

_That’s bad._

_That’s really bad._

“Say something Rae.”

“I don’t have anything to say to you right now.”  She answered almost calmly, and then a torrent of words burst from her.  “How dare you?  How dare you assume you know how I feel?  And question whether I wanna be with you after everything!  Everything!”  Her voice was almost shrill when she repeated the word, “We have been through so much.  I’m wearing this necklace!  I’ve made my fucking decision so many times now, I don’t know what’ll convince you!” 

“I am convinced.”  He said softly.  “But I don’t think you are.” 

“How could you say that?”  She felt her eyes stinging, but refused to let the tears fall. 

“It’s not exactly what I mean.”  Finn said leaning forward to her, “I know you love me.  And I know you’ve made your decision.”  He said starting to realise how badly he’d been communicating this mess of feelings in him, “It’s just that I know you’ve got feelings for him, and I don’t want you to be wondering for the rest o’ your life if you made the right decision.”

“Well right now is the first time I ever have.”  She snapped deliberately aiming to wound.  He sat back slowly, feeling the pain from that barb and nodded.

_I suppose I deserve that._

“Alright.”  He replied, “It was a bad idea.”  He lowered his eyes, “Then so’s your idea of me going to dinner with Olivia to tell her.”

“That’s different.  I don’t think you love her.”  Rae looked away.  “I know you don’t have feelings for her, because I believe you when you tell me you don’t.”  Finn nodded slowly taking the second barb silently.

_Deserved that too._

“Alright, then why didn’t you just tell her that we was going out?”

“Cos she wouldn’t believe me!” 

“Yes she would of!”  Finn answered dismissively.

“No, she would of thought I was jealous fat girl making up stories about a fit lad.”  Rae retorted and Finn shook his head.

“Olivia is many things, but she’s not stupid.”  He answered, “She knew I had feelings for you.  I never shut up about you.”  He started to pick at his fingers, “That’s why she got upset when you said we was sleeping together.  You know that.”  Rae looked away.  There was a long silence between them.

“Alright.”  Rae said softly.  “When she said you two made love… I…”

“You want me to tell her, cos you want me to be sure I wouldn’t prefer to be making love to her.” 

“I don’t think that’s exactly it.”  Rae conceded slightly, “Just… I wanted you to make sure you didn’t have any feelings for her.  Oh fuck.” She sat down on the bed beside him with a heavy plonk.  She put her head in her hands.  “But I know you love me Finn.”  Her hand went up to the necklace, “I know you’re committed to me.”  She looked at him, “I don’t know why I needed you to…” 

“Cos I had a relationship with her.”  Finn answered, “We shared feelings and intimacy.”  He said unhappily, “It’s not wrong for you to want me to be sure I made the right decision.”  He told her, “Which I did by the way, and I don’t need to see her again to know that.”  He shrugged, “But I’ll go to dinner, and let her know, I made the right decision, cos it’s the right thing to do.  For you and her.”  He took her hand, “Cos you need it.  And she deserves closure… whatever the fuck that means.” 

“I don’t have feelings for Phil.”  Rae said firmly, “At least not the way you think.” 

“Alright.”  Finn said softly.

“And I know I made the right decision being with you.  And Phil was never even an option anyway.  I were already with you when I met him.”  Rae told him.

“But what if you hadn’t been?”

“But I was.  So it’s not a question I consider.”  Rae said awkwardly.

_Oh fuck, now you’ve put the question in her head.  Good job Finn._

“Well it’s one Phil always considers…. And he got me thinking about it.”  Finn answered.  Rae looked ahead resolutely, “I think he could o’ made you happy.” 

“I don’t.”  She answered.  “Maybe if I were more scholarly and refined… he’d drive me fucking nuts.”  Rae shook her head, “Actually, I’d drive him nuts.”  She told him, “He don’t know how annoying I can be.” 

“You saw that Phil doesn’t want that posh shit Rae.”  Finn reminded her of is character shift in London.

“I s’pose.”  She shrugged and looked away. 

“We can argue for forever about whether you got feelings for that prat.”  Finn said, “But either way, he deserves an answer.”  Rae nodded slowly, “So we both got dinners to go to.” 

“It’s gonna be awkward as fuck at school.”  She said softly, “He’s gonna know and I’m gonna know… and you know… ugh!” 

“I told him I’d tell you he had something to talk to you about.”  Finn shrugged, “An imperfect solution.”  Rae sighed heavily.

“So we’re all just gonna pretend.”  Rae said.

“That’s what we’ve all been doing since this started.”  Rae started to open her mouth and then shook her head.

“I’m so sad.”  She said softly, “I can’t believe you still think I have feelings for Phil.”

“It’s not like that.”  Finn sighed, “It’s not like I really believe you’ll choose him.”  He said, “It’s just… I got 99% surety.  I want a hundred.”

“I already have a hundred.”  Rae stood up, “I think I’m gonna go home.”

“No Rae wait.”  Finn got up and took her hands.  “It’s not cos o’ you.”

“Is it this bullshite where you think he’s better than you?”  She asked wearily.

“A little.”  He replied, “But I do think he’d o’ made you happy.”  He scrunched up his face, “And I don’t know why but… if he…”

_Oh god how do I explain this… I hardly understand it myself…_

“If he could make you happier than me… then you should be with him.”  Finn lowered his eyes, “I don’t know what I’m saying… I should be telling you to be with me forever and that I love you but…. Rae I do love you.  And I want you to be as happy as you can be.”  He looked up at her, “I’m gonna work my arse off to make sure I can make you as happy as I can… but… if he’s better suited to you… what kind of love would I really have for you if I were to deny you happiness?”  He shook his head, “I don’t really understand… it just feels selfish to… stop you from being as happy as you can be.  Just so I get to have you.”  He swallowed hard, “I hate saying this stuff, cos I can see it upset you and it feels weird to say it… and I don’t really understand what’s come over me… but Rae… you mean more to me than anything.  Even myself.  Even my own happiness and pride and ego.  If he’d make you happier than me… then you have to be with him.” 

“Finn…” Her voice cracked.

“I really hope he can’t make you happier cos… my happiness very much depends on you.”  He told her, and Rae could see he was still working through this sticky mess off emotions, “But that can’t be the reason you stay with me.”  He took her other hand, “I been a jerk about Phil, cos he might be better for you than me.  Not cos he might be better than me in general.  Just to be clear on that.” 

“Finn…”  She tried again.

“I want you to be sure.”  He said.  “I know you are sure… but that’s before you’ve heard what he’s got to offer.”  Finn lowered his eyes.  “So listen to what he’s got to offer.  And you know what I’ve got to offer.  And choose what will make you happiest.”  He stroked her face gently, “I just want you to be happy.” 

“And I was before this conversation Finn.”  She told him sadly. 

“I’m sorry.”  He lowered his eyes, “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”  He said softly.  “It’s just… You matter to me more than anything.  I love you Rae.”  Finn wished he could just let her sit inside his chest for a moment to feel what he felt.  “I said everything wrong.”  He shook his head, “I’m still no good with words.”  To Rae he looked lost and scared, “Please don’t leave.  I like sleeping next to you.” 

“I don’t understand what happened here Finn.”  Rae answered him, “and I think we both need some time to think about it.”  She touched his face gently, “I love you too.”  He watched her turn and leave, his heart aching.  He wanted to follow, but if she needed time to think, then he had to let her have it.  He listened carefully and was glad to hear their car engine roar to life; he’d hate to think of her walking home alone. 

Alone.

“Fuck.” 

_I fucked it up._

_Good job Finn._

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=462lDlULSBk>

 

Finn tried to call her the next day, but she was at her work trial at Curvy Girl Boutique.  He knew he couldn’t go down there to see her, even though he desperately wanted to.  Spending the night apart had made him completely unable to sleep, and today he was exhausted and simultaneously wired; his emotions wreaking havoc within him.  He had spent the whole night replaying the argument and thinking of how he could have said it differently. 

_I love you more than you being mine._

_You are more important than me having you._

_You and your happiness is more important to me than me and my wants._

_Any o’ those might have been better._

_Then you could have added that maybe Phil would o’ made her happy if she’d met him first, instead o’ basically accusing her of secretly loving the guy._

Finn looked down at his tea and sighed.

_Rae I love you so much that I want you to be the happiest you can be, no matter what._

_What the fuck is this?_

_Last month I was fighting tooth and nail to keep her as mine no matter what._

_Now I’m telling her to go if it’ll make her happy._

_What the fuck’s happening to me?_

_I’ll be fucking broken if she goes, why the fuck am I tempting fate?_

_But it feels right to be telling her that she really is number one.  To tell her that her happiness matters most, even if it’s not with me._

_Why?_

_Why don’t I just want her to be with me and to be happy with me?_

_I do want that._

_More than anything._

_But if she isn’t happy with me and could be with someone else then…_

_But she is happy with me!_

_Well she was._

_Fuck._

Finn looked up at his father reading the newspaper with a pursed lipped look of disapproval. 

“What’s up da?” 

_Take my mind of whatever the fuck is happening inside o’ me._

“They’re getting a graffiti artist to paint the side of the arts centre.”  He said grumpily.

“Aye that were Janice’s idea.”

“I know.”  Gary answered, “It’s not the art I’m frowning about son.”  Gary turned the paper to him and Finn read the comments the paper had gathered from ‘concerned Stamford residents’ about the graffiti art project.

“Oh fuck off!”  Finn said to the comments as he read them.  Gary rolled his eyes.

“Watch your language.”  Gary said and then frowned as Finn lit up a cigarette.  “Not at the kitchen table Finn!”

“Sorry da.”  Finn carefully butt it out for later smoking, “just a bit anxious.”

“Oh aye, what about?”

“A couple o’ things.”  Finn said testily, “Fought with Rae, and got a date tonight… with Olivia.”  Gary looked at Finn with an open mouth of confusion.  He folded up his paper and stood up.

“I’m not even going to pretend that I can keep up with this stuff.”  He shook his head, “Don’t go back to fucking Leeds.”  He put his hand on his son’s shoulder, “Alright?”

“Aye dad.  Don’t worry.”

“Right, I’m off to work.  We’ll have a chat when I get home, or over the weekend, right?”

“Aye.” 

 

 

The day had dragged so slowly that Finn had called almost everyone in the gang; to find that they were all busy with jobs or chemo or only wanted to talk about which flipping oases to visit in flipping Egypt.  Rae had rehearsal for the gender-reversed production of ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead’ that she was doing, straight after the work trial, so he had no chance of seeing her until after this fucking date.

He’d ended up arriving early and eating the free bread and drinking the free water and staring off thinking about how he could make it right with Rae for half an hour before Olivia showed up, also early. 

“Guess we’re both keen!”  She laughed and sat down opposite him.  Finn was too tired and too upset about Rae to even pretend to be nice for a moment.  He stared at her silently, gathering his thoughts together.  “I’m glad you came.”  She reached across the table and took his hand, “I think it’s the right time for us to talk about-”

“No.”  Finn shook his head and took his hand back from hers.  “I’m with Rae, we’re in a relationship and I’m in love with her.”  Finn told Olivia, her face a picture of shock, “I was in love with her when I were with you.  I’ll be in love with her until the day I die.”  He stood up, “I have no interest in starting a relationship with you again, I only came to this to tell you that.  I’m sorry I were a shit boyfriend when we was together; you deserve better, and I wish you all the happiness in the world Olivia.  But it’s never ever going to be with me.”  He said it all in one long sentence, making sure he got it all out before she started to dissect it and he fucked it up here too, like he had with Rae. 

“You’re lying.”  Olivia said, “You aren’t with Rae.  She would have told me and rubbed my face in it.”

“No.  She’s not like that.”  Finn replied, “And I don’t care if you think I’m lying.  It don’t change the outcome of this little chat does it?”  He shrugged, “You and I will never happen again.”  He took a deep breath, “Have a good life Olivia.”  He turned and walked away without looking back, Olivia watching him leave with a thunderstruck look of sorrow. 

He had walked to the restaurant to waste some time, but now he wished he had driven because he could hear the click of Olivia’s heels rushing after him.  She grabbed his arm and pulled him around to look at her.

“Did you ever feel anything for me?”  She asked simply.  Finn sighed.

“I tried to.”  He answered honestly, “I couldn’t have Rae so… I tried.”  He shrugged, “I’m sorry.”  Olivia looked away and pressed her lips together, trying to stop her emotions from getting the better of her. 

“Alright.”  She said softly, “I hope Rae makes you very happy.”

“She does.  And I hope you find someone that treats you the way you deserve.  Not like me.”  He said sincerely. 

“Well hopefully he looks like you.”  Finn shook his head and chuckled.  “But I hope I find someone too.”  She took him into her arms and they hugged, “Have a great life Finn.”  She kissed his cheek.

“You too Liv.”  He told her, “be happy.”  She nodded and turned to leave, stopping one time to look at him with a wistful smile before walking back to the restaurant. 

Finn walked on, not sure where he was heading, part of him wanted to call on Elsa.  But it was a very small part of him; the bruised hurt little boy raising his head.  The man in him knew exactly where he was going.  As if it were ever in question.

 

 

Finn sat down in the empty theatre at the arts centre and watched the rehearsal quietly.  He found that the play was far easier to understand when it was performed and he laughed at the jokes as quietly as he could.  This rehearsal was just for Rae and the woman who played Guildenstern, no one else was there, except for the director; a fastidious man named Greg who had accepted Finn’s backstage help offer when they had met a few weeks back and told him he was only needed at full cast rehearsals.  At the full cast rehearsals, he was under Elsa’s orders and she worked him hard, making him run back and forth with props and giving costume help and getting up in the catwalk to help the techies with the lights.  He quite enjoyed it actually.  He was beginning to understand Rae’s love of the theatre, just as she was beginning to understand his love of boxing and football.  They still had 90 minutes to go when a 10 minute break was called.  Finn stood up in the audience and headed towards the stage, Rae, seeing him, came to meet him amongst the seats.

“Hi.”  He said softly.

“Shut up you’ll ruin everything.”  She told him and he lowered his eyes sadly.  She pulled him to sit a bit further back in the audience, away from where anyone could hear them.  “I couldn’t sleep last night.”

“Neither.”  Finn told her.

“I’m talking now.”  Rae said, “You did quite a lot o’ that last night.”  She told him and he nodded slowly.  “I kept thinking about what you said.”  She looked away, “Some of it were pretty fucked up.”  She said, “Like basically telling me you think I love Phillip.”  She scrunched her nose up.

“I don’t really wanna talk about Phillip, that whole thing were a fuck up, and I’m sorry.”

“Oi.”  Rae said and pointed to herself, “Who’s talking?”

“You.”  He pretended to zip his mouth and lowered his eyes, expecting the worst. 

“I were thinking about what you were saying about happiness though.”  She said, “And I understand it.”  He raised his eyes, “It’s how I feel about you.”  She shook her head, “I didn’t even realise it till last night when I really thought about what you were saying.”  She lowered her eyes, “And I think I was always going down this path.”  She said, “Breaking up with you the first time, was just as much about keeping you happy and what was fair for you, as it was me running away from my fears.”  Rae looked into his eyes and had to look away; he still made her breathing go wonky.  “To me, you are more important than me.  Your happiness, your health, your life… all of it.”  She took his hand gently, “I’d rather die than fuck up your life, you know?”  He nodded, “You come first.  And last night I realised that that includes if you need or want to be with someone else… I wouldn’t try to stop you.”  She furrowed her brows, “But I so desperately want you to be with me…”

“Same.”  Finn said urgently and she put a finger to his lips and he nodded silently in reply.

“I don’t know what to do with this feeling.  It’s scary, cos it would destroy me if you wanted to be with someone else… but I would destroy myself for you… if it would make you happy.”  Finn nodded and they both knew that they felt the same way.  “So I get part of what you were saying.”  She said and he took her face in his hands and stroked her cheeks, sucking his bottom lip to stop himself from speaking.  “This Phil thing…”  She said, “I do care about him.”  She said softly, “But not as much as you think.”  She put her hands on his face and he felt happiness inside that she was touching him like this; he hadn’t known how long it would take her to forgive him.  “So I’m gonna go to this fucking dinner thing.  Cos this shit needs to end as soon as possible.”  She kissed him gently and pulled back, “You can speak now.”

“Do you forgive me?”  He asked softly and she shrugged.

“I think our relationship is far beyond the concept of forgiveness Finn.”  She told him, “We’re talking about totally selfless love.”  She said, “When I first loved you, it was more about me than you.  I wanted you for me, I wanted us together, I wanted to touch you.”  She leaned back in the chair, “Now it’s the opposite.  My love for you is all about you and what’s good for you and what you want.”  She grinned, “It’s so weird to be… not selfish.  I never realised how selfish my concept of love had been.”

“I were exactly the same though.”  He grinned, “It’s not scary putting you first when I know you’re doing the same.”  Rae grinned in return. “But all the same I do wish you’d put you first too.”

“We can’t both be putting me first!”  She laughed.

“Promise me that you’re still thinking about you thought… looking after you.”

“I am.”  She said honestly, “Cos, it’s real scary knowing that the other person totally owns you.”

“But you don’t own them.”  He stroked her face, “It’d be easier if you did.”

“Alas!”  Rae laughed.

“But not right.”  Finn added honestly.  “It’s never right to try and own another person.”

“Aye.”  Rae agreed.  “But you own me nonetheless Finlay.”  She said simply with a shrug.  “Don’t abuse the fact.”  She added cheekily.

“Well since you own me, you can always get your own back if I do.”  He grinned.  “Are we alright?”

“Finn we’re always alright, ok?”

“Ok.”

“And don’t forget it!”  She was called back up to the stage and Finn sat back in the seat to watch her perform.  He loved her up on that stage.  The confidence, and the way she moved her body as if it were a tool to get what she wanted, rather than baggage to try and hide.  If nothing else, he was thankful that Rae’s difficult relationship with the performing side of theatre had brought her to this point; she was a knockout actress. 

 

 

After rehearsal they went back to Finn’s house; Rae was spending the weekend there because Alice was taking Aiesha for the weekend and Linda and Karim were having a dirty weekend at home.  Linda had been telling Rae and Finn all about it, rather excitedly, for the past week. 

“Where were you gonna stay if we didn’t make up?”  Finn asked when they laid down in the bed, him wrapping himself around her. 

“We were always gonna make up.”  Rae settled into the spooning position happily, “I just needed some time with what you’d said.”  She stroked his arm and rubbed her toes along the tops of his feet.  “It weren’t really a fight.  More a misunderstanding and some silly words.” 

“I hate spending the night away from you.”  He sulked into her hair, breathing in her smells as if he hadn’t smelled or touched her in years. 

“Me too.” 

“Can we agree to not go to bed angry?”  He said softly, “like to always resolve an issue before we go to sleep.  So I can always hold you at night?”  He sounded vulnerable, and still sulky and Rae looked over her shoulder at him.

“We can try.”  She told him, “But sometimes it won’t happen.  Sometimes time apart is kinda needed to… think straight.”  He tightened his arm around her waist and curled into her closer making a sad noise of agreement.  “We’ll try though.  Alright?”  She soothed and turned around to face him.  “You alright?”

“No.”  He answered, “I can’t stand not having you next to me at night time.”  He pulled her closer and she wrapped an arm around his waist.

“We’ll keep it to a minimum.”  She agreed, “Cos I’m not too fond of it either.” 

“Alright.”  He said softly, “I’m sorry I’m so shite at talking.”

“No you’re not.”  Rae stroked his hair, “You sometimes express yourself a little… wonkily.  But I think I got the message in the end.” 

“I hope so.”  He mumbled, “Cos I’m not even sure of what I was meaning to say.” 

“Well I got three main things from the whole debacle.”  Rae stroked his hair gently, “One, that you’re still very insecure about this whole thing with Phillip.”  She saw Finn wanting to counter that but biting his tongue, “Two, you are starting to realise that what I want from life is more important to you than what you want from me.”  Finn nodded slowly, “And Three, that you love me very much.  More than you love yourself, more than you love being happy, more than you love having me.”  She grinned thankfully and saw his mood lift slightly, “Oh and four, I’m very, very lucky to have you.”  She kissed his lips softly and he made a small happy noise that she returned.  “And I return the feelings in points two and three.”  She finished.

“And I’m all over point four.”  He replied as he stroked her face, “Can’t quite believe how lucky I am Miss Earl.” 

“You wanted to argue about Phillip?”  She prodded and he shook his head.

“Don’t wanna argue.”  He told her, but saw the look in her eyes and continued, “I just… I don’t think it’s insecurity.”  He shrugged, “I think there’s affection between you two that is…”

“More than just friendship?”  She finished and he nodded. 

“I don’t feel insecure about it.”  He tried to explain, “I used to.  But I realised that… I’m your sun, and he’s your candle.”  Rae considered this for a moment and shook her head.

“I think I care about him a lot because he’s a good friend.  But more than that?  I don’t… I don’t see it.  Not even as a candle.”  Rae told him, “Maybe he’s a torch; fake light.”  Finn couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Maybe.”  He admitted, “But either way, he’s not your sun.”

“Glad you see it.” 

“So… it’s not insecurity.”  He said gently.

“Alright.”  She shrugged, “It’s not then.  But y’are preoccupied with him.”

“Aye I’ll grant you that.”  He nodded.

“So… when’s this dinner?  So I can put Phillip and you of your respective miseries.”  Rae asked resolutely; she knew that even if Phillip didn’t tell her what he felt, she was going to have to tell him she didn't want to be with him.  It had to stop, she was tired of fighting over Phil.  “Wait!”  Rae said when Finn opened his mouth to answer, “Maybe it’s best I don’t know when it’s coming.”  She shook her head, “I don’t want that kind of anticipation and dread hanging over me and building for however long.”  She sighed, “is it gonna be soon, like in the next three months?”  She asked and Finn nodded.  “Alright.”  She sighed again, “That’s all I need to know.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Disarm’ by The Smashing Pumpkins _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1acEVmnVhI&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1acEVmnVhI&feature=kp)

 

“I met your mother in London.”  Gary told Finn, “On the 4th of January.”  He reminisced, “I fell in love with her after about five minutes of talking to her.” 

“That’s where you go every year.”  Finn sat back in his seat, his feet on the seat opposite him.  Rae was in the lounge room, probably reading, knowing her.  His father had been wanting to have a talk for him for a while, and the time had come.

“I always hope she’ll be there.”  Gary agreed.  “I’ll take you to where I met her one day.  By the Thames.”  Gary smiled, his eyes seeing a faraway memory, “She didn’t like London very much.”  He looked back at Finn, “I found her.”  Finn sat up in his seat, his feet hitting the floor loudly.

“What?  How?” 

“I got a phone number.  And I called.”  Gary said in an even-toned voice.

“What’d she say?”  Finn’s voice was hopeful, his voice urgent.  “What’d you say?”

“I asked her if she would consider coming home.”  Gary answered calmly and Finn waited for a moment, anticipation, fear and excitement mingling in his gut.

“And?”

“GUYS!”  Rae called from the lounge room.  They both looked toward the door, Finn getting up instantly; there had been a tone in her voice that he couldn’t pinpoint.  They walked into the lounge room to see Rae standing, staring at the television, the remote control in her hand.

_‘… the French government announced her death just before five this morning, Buckingham Palace confirmed the news shortly afterwards.  Normal programs have been suspended while we bring you the latest developments throughout the morning.’_

Finn and Gary looked at the television with confused faces, but Finn looked at Rae, he saw a confused, grief struck look on her face.  The news reporter’s face faded and an image of the image of the British flag flying at half-mast came onto the screen, the national anthem played and slowly, at the bottom of the screen, a single sentence faded up. 

_‘Dianna, Princess of Wales 1961 -1997’_

“Oh fuck.”  Finn said softly.  The three of them stared at the screen as the national anthem played and the news reporter appeared again.

_‘This is BBC television from London.  Diana, Princess of Wales, has died, after a car crash in Paris.’_

Gary sat down in his chair in a numb, confused state, his eyes glued to the television. 

“I can’t believe it.”  Rae said softly as Finn put an arm around her shoulders.  They sat down on the lounge silently and watched the news silently. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Summer’ by Buffalo Tom _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg1rFsrCrZ8&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg1rFsrCrZ8&feature=kp)

 

The three girls sat on the golden sand of the beach watching the five lads running around with the football; Finn easily the best player. 

Izzy sat in a t-shirt, not able to get to much sun; the chemo made her more susceptible to burning.  They were only here for two nights and the beach was disappointingly packed.  Rae sat in her swimming costume, enjoying the sun and not caring too much about what people thought about her.  Chloe was in an itty bitty bikini, and she garnered the most looks, of course. 

“I can’t believe she’s dead.”  Izzy said morosely, “I always really admired her.”

“I always wanted to be her.”  Chloe pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.  “I was going to marry a handsome prince and live happily ever after.”

“You can hardly call Charles handsome.”  Rae said softly. 

“No, I s’pose not.”  Chloe answered, “But my prince were gonna be handsome.”

“People are saying the royal family must be real happy she’s dead.”  Izzy said, “I don’t understand why people would say that.” 

“She was more popular than them I guess.”  Rae mused, “Even I liked her.”  She told them, “And me mum’s heartbroken.” 

“My mum hasn’t stopped crying.”  Chloe told them, “Even me dad shed a tear.”  They looked over at the boys.  “Chop was downcast for about 30 seconds before he had to head to work.”  Izzy sighed. 

“I haven’t discussed it with Rhys.”  Chloe said, “But Archie rang me up when he heard.”

“Yeah I got a call too.”  Rae said, “Lots o’ tears.” 

“He weren’t crying when he called me?”  Chloe asked confused.

“From Tom.”  Rae said with a small smile. 

“Oh.”  Chloe nodded her head, “Yeah, I can see him being cut up by his style icon dying.” 

“I’ve never heard a man cry so openly and still sound so manly.”  Rae shook her head. 

“How did Finn take it?”  Izzy asked and Rae considered this.

“He seemed upset, but he didn’t cry or anything.”  She told them, “I think he’s more focussed on his mum at the moment.” 

“Come for a swim!”  Archie called back to them and the girls all sighed.

“Alright,” Chloe said getting up, “Life goes on girls.”  They all smiled sadly.

“Aye.”  Rae answered as she stood up, offering a hand to Izzy.  The lads all came over, stowing the ball in amongst their things, drinking some water, chatting animatedly. 

“Coming missy?”  Rhys asked Chloe and she nodded with a grin, holding her arms out to him and he picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder.  She screamed loudly with laughter. 

“Bloody show off.”  Chop grumbled and took Izzy’s hand while Rhys ran with Chloe towards the water, her loud laughing squeals drawing stares from all over the beach.  Tom, at 6 foot 2 inches was the next best equipped male to throw someone over his shoulder, and he watched Rhys and Chloe with a shake of his head, he turned back to Archie.

“Never gonna happen.”

“Yeah I’m alright with that.”  He replied with a grin before jogging towards the water, Tom following.  Finn put an arm around Rae’s waist.

“C’mon girl.”  It was the last bit of freedom they had before College started.  On Friday she’d be shopping with her mother all day for new clothes.  On Saturday they were hoping to see Janice.  And on Sunday she had to go to the gynaecologist, because she had worked out her cycle, and that would be the third day, as requested from the new gynaecologist.  This Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday had to be savoured, treasured.  Tuesday even more so, because Tom and Rhys could only stay the one night and had to head back to work on Wednesday morning at four in the morning. 

 

 

At dusk they found themselves sitting around with ice creams provided by Rhys and watching the local kids setting up a bonfire again and they met up with Woody, the pot dealer they met previously. 

“Dudes!”  He said happily, “Dudettes!”  He gave them all hugs, even a confused looking Tom and a bemused looking Rhys.  “Best news friends!”  He said putting an arm around Finn and Rae’s shoulders.  “I’m heading up to Stamford for college!” 

“Oh right.”  Rae asked with a bemused smile.

“It’s gonna be grand!”  He assured them, “We’ll talk about how the ocean beckons to us even when we’re so far away from her salty embrace.”  He looked out at the water wistfully, “And in the hols you can come back with me and stay with me!”  He was gone, talking to someone else before anyone had any real chance to reply.

“I love that guy.”  Chop laughed.  “Free accommodation at the beach!”

“I don’t know if we should stay with him.”  Chloe said, “We hardly know him.” 

“We’ll always need a hotel room.”  Rhys told her reassuringly.  His height meant that he need a king size bed to not end up with his feet hanging off the end of the bed.  She liked how he did that, gave her what she wanted but when it was against what the gang wanted, he made it seem like he was doing it for himself, so that it wasn’t always her fault.  She knew he’d sleep on the floor, a cramped bed, the sewers, for her. 

“I think we all prefer the hotel rooms.”  Archie said.

“Although the cost…”  Finn muttered softly; Rae and he earned the least out of all the couples, and he’d had to go begging his father for money, something he never liked doing.  The gang were still staying sober with Izzy though, so they were saving a lot of money on alcohol. 

The girls settled down, but the lads were challenged to a game of beach football. 

“Our lads are quite fit.” Chloe grinned as they watched the boys running up and down the beach in nothing but board shorts. 

“I know I don’t mind the view.”  Izzy sighed lustily. 

“You’ve become quite the little perv Izzy!”  Rae laughed. 

“I know.”  She grinned, “Got two very good examples to follow.”  She looked at them both meaningfully and Chloe laughed.

“Glad I taught you something.” 

“Ladies, we’re gonna be second years this time.”  Rae said with a disgusted voice.  “In just a few days… summer break’s over.”  She added tragically.

“I know you two hate it,” Izzy said, “But I’m so keen to get back to school.”  She sipped on her water and cocked her head to the side as Chop sprinted past, a focussed look on his face.  “It’ll be nice to get some normalcy back, you know?”  She asked them.

“Yeah o’ course.”  Rae answered.

“So you passed all you make up exams?”  Chloe asked, her eyes never leaving Rhys.  For such a huge, muscular man, he sure could move; his long legs moving him along the beach after the ball at an incredible speed.  

“Yes!”  Izzy answered proudly, “Good tackle Chop!”  She cried out and he gave her a grin before focussing on the game again. 

“I knew you would!”  Chloe grinned. 

“Congrats Izzy!”  Rae put an arm around her shoulders and Chloe linked arms with Rae.

“We three are gonna rule that school.”  Chloe said with a sly grin.  Rae raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

“Maybe you will, but I think I’ll just lay low.”

“Not gonna happen babe.”  Chloe told her, “You’re dating the fittest lad in school, you’re mental, your best friend’s a slag, and your other best mate had cancer…”

“Oh right!”  Rae laughed, “Forgot about all that.” 

“Just gonna own it.”  Chloe said, “And be the sexiest bitches in that hole.” 

 

 

_He always kisses me like he’s never tasted me lips, and he always looks at me to make sure I want him… just that look of desire he gives me, making sure I’m ok before he gets what he wants: to taste me._

_I want him to always want me like this._

_I want him to be hungry like me._

_I want him to never get tired of kissing me or touching me or making love with me, like I know I’ll never get tired of doing it with him._

_I don’t want anything to fade.  Or for us to get old and tired and just… to not care anymore._

_I want us to always be passionate about everything, but especially about each other._

_I want him to always look at me like that._

_I want him to never lose patience with me._

_I want him to always love me just like he does now._

Finn slipped his hand into her pants and Rae groaned, caught up in the moment.  Finn had become very aware over the past few weeks that Rae was not responding to his fingers on her clitoris like she used to.  And he was quite determined to get those orgasms back.  He enjoyed being able to make her come while he kissed her, his fingers expertly rubbing that miraculous little nub.  He didn’t mind going down more like he was now, he quite enjoyed it actually.  But he wanted to be able to get her to cum like he had the very first time, and it just wasn’t working anymore.  He’d spent a good long hour kissing her lips and making her moan with desire for him; she was nicely warmed up, time to go for it.

_I love the way it feels when he slips his hand into my pants._

A sudden stab of pain hit her stomach and Rae tried to mentally shake it off.  Finn’s fingers, as tentative as they had been the first time, gently slipped over her clitoris.  He didn’t slide into her like he had that first time; his mind was on other matters, he wanted that clitoral orgasm from his fingers back. 

A sudden flash of Saul behind her crashed into Rae’s head and she gasped sightly.  Finn’s fingers stopped moving, But Rae kept kissing him, refusing to acknowledge that image. 

But memories kept flooding into her mind.

The fear became intense, as if it were happening again right now. 

And then HIS hand was down her pants.  On her.  Not Finn… Not…

_He’s touching me._

_I don’t want him to touch me down there like that._

She suddenly shoved Finn’s had back from her violently.  He looked at her, stunned.

“What’d I do wrong?”  He asked concerned.  But she just panted with fear, her eyes seeming to not see him, as she stared at him. 

_Saul’s hands were on me.  I felt his fingers on my…_

She looked back at Finn and shook her head, slowly drawing herself away from that memory.

“Nothing.”  She said with a shaky laugh.  “Sorry!”  Finn’s brows furrowed; he knew she was lying to him.  “I just prefer it when you go down.”  She told him, her eyes lowering. 

“I prefer it as well.”  He said carefully, “But it’s nice to be able to do this too.”  He scooted a little closer, “The first time I made you cum, it were with me hand.”  He watched her face closely, “I’d like to be able to still do that.”  He bit his bottom lip softly, “If I’m doing something wrong, if I’m too rough, or… just way off base and I need some schooling, I’m fine with that... just tell me.”  He reassured her, “I’m happy for you to tell me what you like… and what you don’t like… and what I could do better.”  Rae looked away.

“I just don’t want you to do it like that anymore.”  She said softly. 

“Ok.”  He answered haltingly.  “Can I ask why?”  He sounded so bewildered, “It’s kinda a sentimental favourite, you know?” 

“I know but we’re past it now aren’t we?”  She said without looking back.  Finn thought back to Sutherland, when she’d told him they were past all the problems they’d had before they’d broken up the first time.  A few days later they’d broken up again. 

“The last time you said we was past something, we really weren’t and we broke up.”  He reminded her gently.  She turned back to look at him, and there was this sorrow, a pain in her eyes that he couldn’t understand.  “What’s wrong Rae?”  He asked her, his mild worry turning into full out anxiety.  Something was very, very wrong. 

“I dunno.”  She lowered her eyes, “I think I have to talk to Kester about it.”  He watched a tear gently fall from her eye and took her into his arms.

“I’m not trying to say there’s something wrong with you cos you don’t wanna do it like that anymore.”  He tried to sooth her.  “That’s not what I meant.”  He hated his inability with words, “I just meant what have I done wrong… but you don’t have to talk ab-”

“I know.”  She sniffed, “I need to talk to him about this.”  She told him, “It’s…”  She shook her head, “It’s bigger than I thought.”  She tried to explain.

“Rae…?”  He sounded so worried and Rae closed her eyes slowly.

“Just leave it for now, ok?” 

“Whatever you need.”  He said instantly.  He stroked her hair gently and Rae took a deep breath. 

“Let’s not ruin the mood hey?”  She took another deep, shaky breath.  “Make love with me?” 

“Always.”  He stroked her face, “You never need to ask that.  I love you Rachel.”  They kissed, Finn gently wiping another tear from her cheek while she slowly pulled on the drawstring to his board shorts. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Paranoid Android’ by Radiohead _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnfXvPBV1dA&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnfXvPBV1dA&feature=kp)

 

Rae sat glumly looking at the wall in the clinic.  Finn was parking the car and would be in momentarily.

They hadn’t been able to see Janice yesterday; the arts centre had been in a lot more trouble without her than she had thought, and it had required all of her attention.  They were hoping to see her today sometime. 

Rae felt gross about seeing a gynaecologist when she was bleeding.  The third day of her cycle was usually the heaviest day of her bleed too.  But the new gynaecologist had called after reading the last doctor’s notes and insisted that she figure out her cycle and come on the third day. 

So here she was. 

She took a deep sighing breath and picked up one of the magazines on the table.  She felt someone sit down beside her and turned, thinking it was Finn, to see Janice. 

“Janice!”  She flung her arms around Janice’s neck and Janice returned the hug fiercely.  “How did you…?”

“Finn gave me a call.”  She said softly, “I’m glad I get to be here with you for this.  It can be pretty scary.” 

“I’m so glad you’re here.”  Rae said, feeling quite teary, “Finn’s great, but I need another girl here, one who’s done it…”

“I’m so sorry Rae.”  Janice said as she pulled out of the hug and looked closely at Rae, “I should have been here for you…. all these delays would have been nerve-wracking.”

“Oh it’s been alright.”  Rae said softly.

“Don’t go easy on me.”  Janice smiled ruefully.

“You’ve been an utter turd.”  Rae told her and they both shared a smile.

“I know.”  Janice put an arm around her shoulders, “I have no good excuse.” 

“I probably would o’ gone too.”  Rae said softly, “I don’t think I could stand to watch Finn try to find his long lost love.”  Janice smile tightly. 

“Yeah but I let you and Finn down, so I’m really very sorry.” 

“Alright.  Don’t do it again.”  Rae answered with a light tone.  “And you’re gonna have to say it all again when Finn gets here.”

“Oh, I already grovelled to him on the phone!”  Janice laughed. 

“Did he just mumble and sound embarrassed in reply?”  Rae asked.

“How d’you know?”  Janice joked.  “So like his father sometimes.”  She tutted and sighed, “Fucking Nelson men.”

“They’ll be the death of us Janice.”  Rae agreed. 

 

 

So far Dr Renata Siwinski had been a huge improvement on the last gynaecologist Rae had seen.  But she was quietly reading Rae’s file at the moment, after having taken in the three of them sitting in the room looking at her, with a welcoming smile, so it was hard to really gauge it accurately.

“So I don’t like to be called Dr Siwinski, no one can say it properly anyway, so we’ll go with Renata, if you don’t mind?”  She said directly to Rae and Rae nodded, “And you prefer to be called Rae?” 

“Aye.”

“And this is your sister, girlfriend, friend?”  She asked of Janice.

“My friend Janice.”  Rae answered. 

“And your boyfriend?”  She looked at Finn.

“Aye, Finn.” 

“Nice to meet you all.”  Renata looked back down at the file and shook her head, “You got a bit of wanker last time didn’t you pet?”  She asked with a grin.  Rae instantly grinned.

“He wasn’t too nice no.”  Rae agreed.

“I think we need to have another quick look to make sure you need day surgery before we go ahead with it.”  Renata said in a kind professional tone, “And you’re on the third day of your cycle?”

“Aye, it’s… it’s kinda bloody.”

“Ah yes and the cervix will be a little more open on the third day… better chance of slipping it in!”  Renata grinned, "Your previous doctor should have mentioned that to you.”  Rae shook her head

“Wait what are we slipping in?”  Finn asked.

“An IUD device.”  Renata replied and received a completely blank look from Finn, “It’s a type of contraception.” 

“Oh right.”  He said with a furrowed brown, “And it goes inside her?”

“In the uterus yes.” Renata gave him a kindly smile. 

“What?  Isn’t that dangerous?”

“I’ve had them for years Finn.”  Janice reassured him, “I’m still alive.” 

“And not pregnant.”  Rae added. 

“You need to have sex for that though!”  Janice joked. 

“Ok,” Renata said with a huge reassuring smile, “Rae’s getting a Mirena IUD inserted, it’s 99.8% effective against unwanted pregnancy, but not at all effective against sexually transmitted diseases, but that won’t be a problem here?”  She looked to Rae who shook her head that it wasn’t a problem, “It works by killing your sperm and making the vagina, cervix and uterus a generally impossible place for the little spermy fellas to get around in and by stopping the lining of the uterus from getting thick enough for a fertilised egg to implant.”  She gauged Finn’s response to what she had said so far for a moment and then continued, “It’ll be in there for five years, and after an initial few weeks of difficulty, Rae will hopefully get little to no menstrual bleeding or cramping.  That oughtta please you.”  She grinned, “It pleases most men.” 

“Wait… so…”  Finn thought over what she had said and looked to Rae, “You might not get periods anymore?” 

“Hopefully.”  Rae replied.  She expected to see Finn’s face turn from concerned to excited.  But it didn’t.

“But what effect does it have on her; never having a period?  Like does it fuck up her hormones or something?” 

“There’s no long term effects from the IUD, and from the moment it’s removed you can try for children.”  Renata replied factually.  And then Rae saw the look on Finn’s face start to change.

“So… so there’s no side effects?”  He checked before letting himself get keen for it. 

“I like you.”  Renata replied, “Most men that actually bother to come with their partners to these things don’t get past the ‘no periods’ part.”  She looked over at Rae, “Good taste in men.”  She looked back at Finn, “It has all the same risks that are associated with being on the pill.  Plus there’s a small risk of uterine perforation, and the first… month or so isn’t going to be fun.”  Finn looked over at Rae.

“I dunno if I like this Rae.”  He said concerned.

“There’s risks and side effects with all medications and procedures.”  Renata told him, “The IUD is one of the safest and most reliable forms of contraception available.”  Renata looked at both of them, “Unless you want to just use condoms?”

“No!”  Rae said firmly.  Finn furrowed his brow.

“Maybe we should.”  He said, “I don’t like the sound of side effects and risks and…”

“No.  Condoms.”  Rae said resolutely.  “It’s my body I can put a fucking IUD in it if I want.”

“I know Rae.”  Finn said softly, “Just… don’t do it for me.  I’m fine with condoms if…”

“I want an IUD.”  She reassured him and he furrowed his brow slightly. 

“Alright.”  He answered almost reluctantly before turning back to Renata, “And you’re sure it’s safe?”

“I’ve got one.”  Renata replied, “I’d hardly have one inside of myself if I thought it would put me in any danger.”  Finn nodded slowly.  “Alright Rae,” Renata turned back to Rae, “D’you want to jump up on the examination table, and we’ll have a bit of a look-see.”  Renata got up and closed the curtain around the examination table and Rae took her tights off behind the curtain, leaving her skirt on she folded her underpants, pad still in place carefully with a slightly disgusted face and put her tights on top of them, before getting up on the table.  Renata put a blanket over her gently and turned to the sink.

“Can I come and hold your hand?”  Finn asked tentatively.

“Can he?”  Rae asked Renata and she nodded curtly as she washed her hands and put on some gloves.  “Aye.”  Rae told him and Finn was instantly there, his fingers wrapping around hers, his hand stroking her face gently.  This was much better than the last time she had to go through this.  Janice leaned back in her chair with a slight grin; it made her happy to see these two again, she looked around at the signs on the wall about contraception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, while Renata talked to Rae in a soft, professional tone. 

“So you know all about this fella?”  She held up the speculum and Rae nodded.  She opened it up and Finn’s mouth dropped in horror.  Rae looked up at Finn and started to laugh as Renata closed it again.

“Alright, try not to laugh.”  Renata said as she gently inserted the speculum and had a look.  Finn looked down at Rae.

“Does it hurt?”  She scrunched up her nose at his question.

“It’s not comfortable.”  She answered, “But it don’t hurt.” 

“As I suspected, day surgery will not be necessary.”  Renata said, “We’ll be able to get the IUD in today if you like.”

“Really?”  Rae asked excitedly.

“Right now, if you’re ready.”  Renata replied.

“I’m so ready.” 

“Wait, Rae…”  Finn scrunched op his face, “Are you sure?”

“I’m so sure Finn!”  She told him.

“Alright I’ll go get one.”  Renata said as she removed the speculum, disposed of it and pulled the blanket over her legs. 

Only a few minutes passed and Renata was back.  She held it up for them to see, it was flexible and easily fit into the palm of her hand, being only about 6 centimetre long.

“That’s much smaller than I thought it’d be.”  Rae said and Renata nodded and prepared to put the device in. 

“It’ll feel a lot like a bad cramp when I put it in alright?  But I’ll give you a bit of anaesthetic swab, so it won’t hurt too badly.”  Renata told her and began by re-inserting the new speculum.  “Right so I’m just this little grasping tool to hold your cervix still.”  Renata’s face was a picture of concentration, “And measure the size of your uterus, for proper placement…”  Finn looked down at Rae’s face; it was clearly not a pleasant procedure, she squeezed his hand and tried to smile.  Finn was suddenly struck with all the things women have to go through; there was no equivalent procedure for men that he was aware of. 

“Women are a lot tougher than men.”  Finn told Rae.

“Oh I know.”  Renata answered.

“Are you only just figuring this out Finlay?”  Janice asked from the other side of the curtain. 

“Ok, and in we go.”  Renata said and Rae closed her eyes as the cramping sensation intensified.  “And we’re done.”  She said quite suddenly.

“Already?”  Rae asked surprised; it had taken all of five minutes, if that.

“Already.”  Renata grinned, “I’ll meet you on the other side of the curtain.”  Rae motioned for Finn to follow her and when she was alone she took a moment to really steady her nerves before getting up to put her clothes back on.  She had quite a bad lower back ache and she felt like she was having a mega-period again; the cramping was quite bad. 

“Alright so for the next few weeks you’re at an increased risk of infection.”  Renata told her, “So keep an eye on yourself, and come and see me if you have any, even tiny, symptoms of infection, right?”  She handed Rae a pamphlet that listed all the signs to look out for.  Finn took it and started to read it, only half taking it in and half listening to Renata.  “This cramping could be around for the next month or so, and the bleeding might continue for up to six months, but typically stops after about a month or so.”  Renata gave her the Mirena information booklet, “I’ll see you in a month, and I’ll teach you how to check if it’s still in place then,” Rae nodded, “and then after that, it’s just yearly check-ups to make sure everything ticking along nicely.”  She turned to Finn, “Take good care of her over the next few weeks while she’s recovering alright?”  Finn nodded solemnly and took everything from Rae’s hands as if it were too much for her to carry anything. 

 

 

Finn had gone up to the counter to pay for the procedure, but it was covered by the NHS and Rae had just had a few forms to sign before he gently guided her to the car.  She walked slightly gingerly, more out of a weird feeling of being acutely aware that there was something inside of her than any real pain; other than the intense cramping of course.  She couldn’t feel the IUD inside of her… she just knew it was there.  He sat her down carefully in the car and turned to Janice.

“Thanks for coming Janice.”

“O’ course.”  She said, “I’ll just…”

“D’you need a lift somewhere?”  He couldn’t see her car anywhere in the parking lot.

“The centre’s not far from here… I’ll just walk back.”  She lowered her eyes.

“You barely got to spend any time with us at all.”  He said sadly.

“I’ll be back next weekend.  The centre needs me to be here on a weekly basis.”  Janice told him with a wan smile.

“So instead o’ seeing you daily we get weekly?”  He sucked his bottom lip, wondering how much to say.

“It’s much better than nothing Finn.”  Janice answered sadly.  Finn took a deep breath and let it out in a loud breath.

“When I were in Leeds you told me I couldn’t run from stuff, remember?”  He asked brusquely.

“Yes I remember.”  She lowered her eyes.

“Well?”  He asked meaningfully. 

“I’m back aren’t I?”  He could barely hear her answer. 

“Have you seen me da?”  Finn already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear her say that she was avoiding him.

“Not yet.”  She mumbled.

“Right, well let us give you a lift.”  Finn said firmly, “I know he’d be glad to see you.” 

“Finn, I…” But she stopped herself from telling him she wasn’t ready.  She already knew she’d never be really ready to see him again.  Maybe it was better she never saw him again? 

“Yeah?”  He asked with a face that told her that he wasn’t impressed with her.

“It’s different to your circumstance.”  She said softly.

“How?” 

“Your mother.”  Janice answered defensively.  Finn nodded.

“Complicates things.”  He admitted, “But running away solved exactly how much of the problem?”  She stared at his face for a moment and then looked at Rae sitting calmly in the passenger seat.

“Alright.”  She said softly and opened the backdoor to the car. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘We All Fall In Love Sometimes’ by Jeff Buckley _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bj5FcD7NkbY>

 

“Rae’s feeling unwell, taking her upstairs.”  Finn said immediately upon opening the front door.  He left the door opened and headed straight to the stairs, his arm protectively around Rae.

“Alright.”  Gary said getting up, “Want a bacon sandwich pet?”  He asked Rae.

“I’ll do the sandwiches dad.”  Finn said with a grin and they disappeared up the stairs.  Gary looked back to the open door, about to call to Finn to close the door after him in future when he saw Janice slowly step onto the front step.

“Janice?”  His voice cracked slightly and he stared at her, unable to move. 

“Hi.”  She said softly.  They stared at each other for a moment.  Janice holding her breath, Gary hardly able to believe his eyes; he’d forgotten how stunning she was.  Except he hadn’t forgotten one little bit; it was just that seeing her in the flesh was so much better than remembering her. 

“D’you want a bacon sandwich?”  He asked her, not really knowing what he was asking.

“What?”  She asked with a confused smile.

“I mean, d’you want a cup of tea?”  He laughed slightly, his eyes still not leaving her face. 

“Oh, yes please?”  She asked, “If that’s ok?” 

“Of course.”  Gary answered, not able to look away from her, “I’ll just… go… and… make it.”  He said without moving. 

“Ok.”  She answered, also not looking away from his face.  He suddenly blinked, cleared his throat and lowered his eyes. 

“Alright.”  He motioned towards the door to the kitchen and then hurried off.  Janice waited on the doorstep for a moment, not sure if she should come in without him being present, but eventually she entered the house and closed the door behind her, leaning on the frame to wait for him. 

Gary closed the door to the kitchen and leaned on it for a moment, raising his hands to his face and sighing.

“Oh bloody hell.”  He groaned into his hands. 

“Alright?”  Finn asked with a sly grin as he came into the kitchen from upstairs.  Gary jumped and lowered his hands, giving his son the dirtiest sneer he may have ever given anyone.

“You could o’ bloody warned me.”  He shook his head. 

“Why would you need warning da?”  Finn asked innocently.  Gary narrowed his eyes and couldn’t believe the nerve of his son.  “Turns out Rae does want a bacon sandwich.  And some ice cream, have we got any?”  Gary looked incredulously at his son moving around the kitchen with a slightly smug look on his face.  “Aye.”  Finn answered his own question when he opened the freezer.  He scooped two large scoops of the ice cream into a bowl and grinned at his father.  “Just gonna take this upstairs to Rae, be back down to the make the sandwiches in a mo.”  Gary watched his son go and shook his head again.

“I’ve raised the bloody devil.”  He mumbled and went into the kitchen to make the tea.  He got as far as turning on the kettle and pulling out the mug Janice had claimed as her own, a mug that hadn’t been used for these past few months before he had to stop and try to gather his emotions, his thoughts… everything. 

“Steady on Gary mate.”  He told himself.  “You just found your wife…”  He pep talked himself. “After nearly 8 years… you’re just a bit emotional.”  He looked down at his thumb gently caressing Janice’s mug.  “Oh for fuck’s sake.”  He put it down firmly.  Finn came back into the kitchen and turned the stove top on before getting out a pan and expertly tossing it in his hands, spinning and flipping it around and catching the handle each time as he grinned at his father. 

“Want a bacon sandwich?”  Finn asked cheekily; waiting for the electric ring to warm up. 

“No I don’t want a fucking bacon sandwich.”  Gary replied without turning around.

“Language da.”  Finn grinned to himself as he grabbed the white bread that they only kept in the house for Rae; both of the Nelson men preferring multi-grain bread. 

“You got a smoke?” 

“Not in the kitchen dad!”  Finn answered cheekily, but quite surprised his father had asked him; his dad had quit a long time ago, Finn had only seen him smoke a handful of cigarettes since then.  The kettle boiled and Gary turned it off, having not put a tea bag in the mug yet.  “You alright dad?”  Finn asked seriously and Gary shook his head. 

“I hadn’t realised…”  Gary stopped himself. 

“Da?”  Finn asked, worried that he’d been too forward bringing Janice home without warning.  Gary turned to him.

“I hadn’t realised how much I missed her, that’s all.”  He said with a choked voice. 

“Right.”  Finn answered.  “I missed her too.”  Finn agreed, “She gonna be back every weekend.”  Finn pushed, “Maybe we should give her her old room back?”  He turned and put the pan on the heat and grabbed the bacon from the fridge, putting it in the pan without any oil; it was greasy enough by itself. 

“We’ll see.”  Gary said softly before turning to make the tea for Janice and himself.  They worked in silence, the sizzle of the bacon and the whistle of the kettle frazzling Gary’s nerves even further.  Gary finished making the tea and took a deep breath before heading towards the door.  Finn looked over at him.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”  Finn said with a tone of such innocence, Gary could almost believe he wasn’t teasing his old man’s obvious discomposure. 

“I’ll keep that in mind.”  Gary answered drily.  He went back into the lounge room to see Janice waiting at the closed door.  “What you do waiting at the door?”  He asked as naturally as he could, putting the tea down on the coffee table and sitting on the lounge instead of in his armchair.  He kept his eyes lowered, not wanting to fall into the endless staring of before. 

“You didn’t invite me in.”  She said, feeling foolish.

“Don’t be daft Janice!”  Gary grinned and looked up at her, “You’re always welcome here… it’s your home.”  She lowered her eyes, trying to hide the mass of emotions boiling just under the surface of her skin. 

“Not anymore.”  She answered sadly and Gary’s grin dropped. 

“Come in Janice.”  He invited her seriously, “Come sit down.”  Janice came and sat on the lounge, not her usual armchair and Gary turned his body to her, handing her the tea. 

“Thanks.”  She kept her eyes lowered. 

“How’s London?”  Gary couldn’t tear his eyes off her. 

“Really busy.”  She nodded slowly.

“Met any… good work mates?”  He asked, mentally berating himself for wanting to ask if she was still single. 

“There’s one lad that thinks I need to get myself a cat.”  She smiled sadly and looked up at him.  “He thinks I’m a hardened spinster.”  The joke fell dead and she cleared her throat, wanting to look away from his face and the look in his eyes, but not able to.  “I think he’s just upset that I’m not interested in dating my employees.”  Gary smiled sightly. 

“Got a lot o’ men under you then… I mean… employees…?”  Gary cleared his throat and gulped some tea, scalding his mouth slightly. 

“The whole gallery; I’m in charge.”  She answered and took a small sip of tea. 

“Getting out much?”  Gary ask, “London can be very entertaining.” 

“No.”  Janice shook her head, “I work very long hours.” 

“Me too lately.”  Gary agreed, “But you know, maybe we both need to learn to delegate.”  He said with a small smile.  They hadn’t taken their eyes off each other.

“Anything interesting happening in your world?”  Janice asked tentatively.

“Finn says you’ll be back every weekend?”  Gary asked, not wanting to answer her question. 

“Yeah, they couldn’t find a replacement at the centre.”  Janice answered, trying to look away from his face. 

“Of course they couldn’t find a replacement for you Janice.”  He answered with real emotion and they both stopped, realising that they had been gently leaning into each other. 

“How’s your wife.”  Janice asked to remind them both of why they couldn’t lean in any further.  Gary blinked as if coming out of a daze and looked down.  Janice felt as though she could breathe freely again and looked away, quickly wiping her face.

“I-I…  Gary stuttered, “I found her.”  Janice whipped her eyes back to his lowered face. 

“Is she here?”  She asked, verging on alarmed, but still unable to make herself move away from this man. 

“Not yet.”  Gary answered, “But she’s going to get time off work and come sometime over the next month.”  Janice furrowed her brows; it felt like such an odd anticlimax. 

“Get time off work…?”  Janice asked feeling confused.  Somehow she hadn’t expected Kenzie to be holding down a job somewhere. 

“Aye.”  Gary responded with a slight shrug, still looking down.

“I should go.”  Janice put the almost full cup of tea down on the table, her eyes not leaving Gary’s face.

“Don’t go.”  He said instantly, his eyes snapping up to hers, “S-so soon.”  He added awkwardly. 

“Wish that I could stay.”  She said softly.

“You got plans?”  He asked, leaning slightly closer to her.

“No.”  She answered. 

“So stay.”  He said with a sad, almost desperate smile.  She felt herself leaning in closer her hand went to his face and his eyes closed as he took in every sensation in this moment. 

“Gary…” Her voice broke and he opened his eyes to look into hers, his hand gently finding her cheek and stroking down the soft skin to her chin.

“Janice.”  He returned in a similar tone. 

“I love you.”  She told him and he nodded slowly, “And… and you’re married.”  She slowly backed away, her hand going to her lap, “And you are committed to making that relationship work.”  She went on, her eyes unable to leave his, “So I… I can’t be around you.”  She took a deep breath and stood up.  “Thanks for the tea.”  She turned and went to the door.

“Janice…”

“Don’t.”  She turned back to him, “Whatever you’re gonna say, don’t say it.”  She couldn’t stop the tear from dropping onto her cheek and he stood up and went to her, but as he raised his hand to wipe the tear away she stopped him.  “Whatever you feel… it’ll just break me.”  She said, “Either you don’t love me… or you do and we can’t be together because...”  She shrugged, “I don’t wanna know which scenario it is.” 

“Janice, what can I-”

“There’s nothing either of us can do.”  She shook her head, “I think we just have to accept that this is goodbye.”  She reached up to kiss his cheek and he turned his head to hers so he caught the corner of her mouth.  They lingered like that, closing their lips slowly, just the very corners of their mouths touching, both of them wanting to draw out this small moment for as long as they could.  She stroked his face gently as she pulled away from him.

“Goodbye Gary.”  She breathed.  “It was so very good to see you again.”  She couldn’t hold her sorrow and her voice cracked with tears. 

“I don’t wanna say goodbye to you.”  He answered.  She smiled sadly and turned to the door, opening it, willing herself to not look back. 

“Finn thinks you should rent the spare room for the weekends.”  Gary said desperately, trying anything to make her stay just a moment longer.  Janice tried to keep her eyes looking out the front door, at the street beyond. 

“Gary…”  She shook her head with incredulity.

“I don’t know what to do Janice.”  Gary told her, “I… I… I just need time to… sort through all of this… before you decide to never… to never see me again.”  He finished softly.  She turned to him and saw so much emotion in his eyes she nearly gasped.  “Please don’t make this goodbye.” 

“It’s not fair for you to ask me to wait around to see if it’ll work out with your estranged wife.”  Janice told him firmly. 

“I know.”  He answered unreservedly.

“But that’s what you’re asking me to do?”  They both paused, Gary’s mouth open, tears on Janice’s cheeks. 

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”  He finally said.  “I just wish…”  He shook his head.  “Janice… I have to tell you…”

“Gary.”  She groaned, wanting him to not say it.

“I love you too.”  She started to cry as soon as the words were past his lips.  “But I have this commitment, and I do still love my wife as well.  And I don’t know what to do.”  His words came out in a rush and he tried to touch her to comfort her but she stopped him, her whole body shaking with tears.  She looked up with him, her face a mask of grief.

“Damn you.”  She said simply, shaking her head and walking out the door without looking back.  Gary watched her walk out of his life for the second time, tears pushing their way out of his eyes.  He closed the door in an almost calm, numb state.  Before a rage at himself tore through his chest and he punched the wall hard, leaving a big hole in it and bloodying up his knuckles.  He leaned his forehead against the wall above the hole, his hands either side of his head, trying to get his temper under control and not able to stop his crying.

Finn, having heard the loud thumping sound while he was expertly divvying up the extra crispy bacon onto the bread, came into the lounge room to see his father slowly straightening up, sniffing hard. 

“Dad?”  Finn asked softly, concerned.  Gary looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath, gathering himself as best he could.  “What happened?”  Finn’s eyes fell to the wall and a moment of realisation washed through him.  “You fucked it up huh?”  Gary turned to look at his son, “I had to get it from somewhere I s’pose.”  He walked over and looked at the hole in the wall, “Lucky I’m pretty good at patching walls.” 

“Son.”  Gary said in a wavering voice, “Would you be upset if your mother and I weren’t together?”

“Dad, you and mum haven’t been together for nearly eight years.”  Finn said wisely as he looked at the hole, “I don’t really expect that after that long we’ll all just play happy family as if nothing happened, do you?” 

“Yes.”  Gary said simply, “Because I love your mother so much.” 

“So you thought love would be enough to make it suddenly work?”  Finn kept his eyes on the hole as if he were seeing what it would need to be fixed.

“Yes.”  He said and leaned back against the front door.  “I love her, so why wouldn’t it work?”

“Oh god da, for a million different reasons.”  Finn answered. 

“I want you to know that you were made out of love… accidentally… but… we loved each other very much.”

“I know.” 

“And we love you so much.”

“Well I know you do.”  Finn answered honestly. 

“You mother loves you.”  Gary said firmly.  “I am quite determined for us to be a family again.”  He answered with tortured eyes, “because we all love each other and… that’s what family is.”  Finn looked at his father’s sorrowful face and thought about all the things he’d ever believed about love; in the past he would have been as determined as his father to slot this family back into the format it had been before.  But his understanding of love had been changing lately. 

“You know dad…”  Finn caught his father’s eye and spoke as persuasively as he could, “I think that once you really love someone, you can’t stop loving ‘em.  It just don’t work that way.”  Finn shrugged, “I’ll love Rae till the day I day, even if I can’t be with her.  Even if we both end up loving other people.”  He furrowed his brows, “I think you’ll always love mum… but I think it’s ok for you to love someone else too.”  Finn pulled his cigarettes out and handed one to his father, he took it and let Finn light it for him, before Finn lit one for himself.  “And family… it’s tricky.”  He grinned, “Rae doesn’t really think of her dad as being part of her family, and Tom’s been disowned by his family and now the gang are his family.  Family is what you make it I s’pose.”  He drew on his cigarette, “And you know, in a year’s time, I’m probably gonna move out to go to university.”  He shrugged “So da… if you’re making a choice between Janice and Mum… don’t make the choice for me.  Don’t make it based on what you think family should be… don’t even make it based on who you love.  Cos I know you love both of ‘em.”  Gary lowered his eyes, “Base your decision on what can make you happy.”  He looked back at the hole, “I’ll fix that next weekend alright?”  Gary drew Finn into a hug.

“I love you Finn.”

“Leave off da!  Rae’s sandwich is getting cold.”  Finn headed back to the kitchen and stopped at the door to look over his shoulder.  “Love you too.  And fix your knuckles up.”  Gary watched him leave and shook his head.

“I did alright with that lad.”  He mumbled and looked at the hole.  “Oh fuck Gary.  What are you a fucking teenager again?”  He shook his head and looked back to the front door.  He so wished he had handled it better with Janice.  Part of him wanted to run after her and find her, but to what purpose?  He had to at least see Kenzie again; he just couldn’t give up on his wife, even though he knew himself to be deeply in love with Janice.  His son was a good kid; but it wasn’t as simple as just doing whatever made you happy. 


	5. Chapter 3 - Duece (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic 
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 2.  
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo
> 
> tw racist slurs tw homophobic slurs tw sexist slurs tw violence tw blood tw bondage tw sadism tw ptsd tw assault tw sexual threats tw drug and alcohol use I think that’s everything  
>  \- THIS IS PROBABLY FOR THE WHOLE FIC

 

_ ‘Zero’ by Smashing Pumpkins _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBkjcvNztKQ&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBkjcvNztKQ&feature=kp)

 

Rae looked up at the building.  She was bleeding and cramping horribly after yesterday’s IUD insertion and even ibuprofen wasn’t helping enough to make her anything other than mildly grumpy.  Finn was also grumpier than usual; he always was when they couldn’t have sex, though if you told him that he’d deny it. 

Up ahead she saw a familiar messy ponytail that she had really missed as Elsa removed her bike helmet, before stowing it under her seat.  Rae watched her look up at the building as well before striding up to the building, once again owning the entire world and leaving a trail of dead preconceptions in her wake.  Just the presence of a fat babe like Elsa had increased Rae’s self-esteem, but Elsa also managed to give some choice advice from time to time.  Rae saw Principal Dixon hurry to catch up to Elsa.  Rae didn’t even know what principal Dixon’s first name was.  And until Rhys had told her, she hadn’t known what Elsa’s surname was. 

Chloe came up beside her and took her hand, they shared a grin as Izzy joined them, taking Chloe’s other hand.  They looked back to Finn, chatting with Archie and Chop still; clearly not wanting to let go of the male company.  Chop eventually had to take off for work and Archie shrugged sympathetically before turning to leave too.  Finn sighed and turned to look at the girls, all staring at the building again now. 

“Remember girls: we own this place this year.”  Chloe told them. 

“Hot bitches.”  Izzy said with a cheeky grin. 

“I still can’t get used to what a deviant you’ve become Izzy.”  Rae said with a shake of her head.

“Pfft.”  Izzy replied, “I keep telling you two that it’s your fault.”  She told them merrily.  “I’m so excited for school!”  Rae gave Izzy an unimpressed look but Chloe shrugged; she didn’t mind either way as long as she had her girls.  And the lads too, but they were slightly less important.  Finn joined them, taking Rae’s hand.  He looked down the line at all of them.

“Do we all have to hold hands; it looks like I got a fucking harem.”  He complained.

“Then don’t join in!”  Chloe snapped.

“Most guys would be happy to have the whole school thinking he’s got us three hot bitches.”  Izzy grinned and Rae gave him a sympathetic look as he rolled his eyes, already knowing there was no point in fighting this; he would never win. 

“Alright, another rumour then.”  He sighed.  He didn’t care what anyone said, but he was still wary about Rae’s self-esteem taking a battering.  They watched all the first year students hurrying to be on time and amongst them the more relaxed looking second years strolling towards the building. 

As they walked through the car park together they saw Phil pull up in his car.  He got out, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt that fitted better than any clothes they’d ever seen him in. 

“Bloody hell.”  Chloe drawled, “I reckon Phillip might give you a run for your money this year Finn.”

“You what?’  Finn asked with furrowed brows.

“You know, for the title of fittest lad in the school.”  Chloe told him and he shrugged.

“He can fucking have it.”  Finn had to stop himself from rolling his eyes again; he could feel the grumpy mood starting to settle on him again.  As Phil locked the car he caught sight of Rae and paused, clearly wondering if he should come over and say hi. 

“Hey Phil!”  Chloe called out with an inviting voice.  He looked down and hitched his bag onto one shoulder before heading over. 

“Chlo.”  He grinned and she dropped Rae and Izzy’s hands to give him a hug.  “Rae.”  He nodded to Rae and then to Izzy and Finn. 

“How was the rest o’ your time in London.”  Chloe asked suggestively, thinking about Andrea.  He shrugged and looked down.

“Yeah it was alright.”  He mumbled, still trying to get back into the swing of being the Phil he was at school rather than London, “How was the rest of your summer?”  He couldn’t really look at Rae, he didn’t know if Finn had talked to her yet. 

“Awesome!”  Chloe said with a flirty grin.

“I still wish I was back at the fucking beach though.”  Rae complained.  Phil turned his eyes to her.

“I wish I’d headed out to the beach for some of it.”  He said, “I might head out this weekend instead.”  A diminutive girl with blond hair and freckles approached the group, looking directly at Phillip.

“Hi… I was wondering if you could show me where the main hallway is.”  She asked him almost breathlessly.

“Just the follow the crowd, we’re all heading that way.”  He said completely missing the fact that she was trying to hit on him.  He turned away and looked back at Rae, Chloe shaking her head. 

“D’you think you’ll head down to the beach over any of the weekends coming up?”  He asked and Finn nearly fractured his optic nerve rolling his eyes, his tongue going to his back teeth again.  He knew it would be over with Phil soon enough, but he sure was trying it on before then.

“Maybe.”  Rae shrugged and watched the poor girl turn away dejected.  Once she was out of earshot Rae hit Phil’s arm.

“Ow! What?”  He looked surprised.

“You were a right arse to that girl.”  She told him.

“You what?” 

“She was hitting on you Phillip.  You are so oblivious!”  Chloe laughed. 

“Oh right.”  Phillip shrugged.  “The girls in London I met were more obvious than that.  Gonna have’ta watch for subtlety right?”  He asked her and Chloe nodded.

“I’m gonna have to teach you a few things.”  She told him. 

“Don’t we have an assembly to go to?”  Finn asked in an unimpressed tone.  So, with a teasing grin, Chloe took Phil’s arm in hers and Izzy took his other arm.  Chloe took Rae’s hand and Rae shook her head knowing how annoyed Finn must be. 

“I’m sorry.”  She whispered to him and he smiled slightly and shook his head.

“Don’t be.”  He grinned more happily to reassure her, “I should know by now that the minute you show an ounce o’ dislike for something, everyone’s gonna keep shoving it in your face.”  Rae gave him a sympathetic grin.

“It’s true.”  She scrunched up her nose, “Pretend you like him and he might go away.” 

“What are you two whispering about?”  Chloe asked.

“How to get rid o’ things you don’t like.”  Finn replied.

“Nice to see you too Elwyn.”  Phil quipped.

“Elwyn?”

“Fucking Avril!”  Phillip reminded him.

“Are you still drunk?”  Finn had to chuckle.

“Maybe a little.”  Phillip shook his head.  “I did a good job over the summer o’ trying to make me blood 100% proof.” 

“I prefer roguishly naughty Phillip to stiflingly uptight Phillip.”  Izzy told him and he chuckled. 

“Me too.”  Phil responded, “Unfortunately, stifling and uptight get you good marks.”  He gave her a grim look. 

“Rae gets good marks without being boring.”  Izzy countered.

“Boring?”  He asked, “Gee you guys are good for my self-esteem.” 

“You know there’s a good solution for that.”  Finn quipped with a pointed smile. 

“I can’t even reply to you cos I can’t think of another name that rhymes with Finn.”  He said with a disgusted look, “How many fucking brain cells did I kill over the summer?”  He laughed.

“Probably a lot.”  Rae told him.

“Fuck, I hope I didn’t kill enough to be at Bryn’s level.” 

“Oh there it is.”  Chloe shook her head, she knew eventually he’d get one out at Finn. 

“I bet you couldn’t count your own balls and get the same answer twice, could you Bill?”  Finn shot back and the three girls opened their mouths in surprise.  Phillip shaking his head, impressed. 

“Well Lyn, if ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”  Philip said slowly as if talking to an idiot, “You must be in a perpetual state of orgasm.”  He said as if in wonder, “You are living proof that a boy can live without a brain.”  The girls turned their eyes to Finn, waiting for the inevitable comeback.

“Do you wonder what your life would have been like if you'd had enough air when you was born?”  Finn asked as if he were genuinely curious.  They found a place to sit down in the hall, Phillip on one side of the girls, Finn on the other. 

“You really can never open your mouth without subtracting from the sum of all human knowledge, can you Flyn?”  Phillip snarked, “Someday they're gonna name a disease after you.”

“Says the guy whose intelligence is rivalled only by construction tools.”  Finn responded without missing a beat.

“You are so dense Quinn that light bends around you.”

“Well Dilip, you’ve got the intelligence of a fence post.  I do hope to see your face on a milk carton one day real soon.”  Principal Dixon started to quieten everyone down. 

“Somehow I don’t think we’re the hot bitches anymore.”  Izzy said and looked at Finn and Phillip.

“Bitchy’s right.”  Rae agreed pulling a funny face. 

“Oh this is gonna be a fun year.”  Chloe said with a grin to Rae and Izzy. 

Principal Dixon began the speech they’d heard last year, welcoming the new first year students to the College and encouraging them to work hard and achieve.  Chloe’s eyes fell to Elsa as she sat, with her legs and arms crossed, her eyes down as she listened to Principal Dixon with a serious face.  She imagined Rhys and Elsa doing things together and tried to ascertain how it made her feel other than woefully inadequate in the bedroom.  Did she feel jealous?  Did she want them to never fuck again?  How could she demand that in a non-monogamous relationship?  Did she even want to demand that? 

Principal Dixon now addressed the second year students, telling them that they had to choose a university soon, and that a career counsellor would be available for them to talk to. 

“Sadly Jenny Leung our dance teacher moved on to bigger and greener pastures over the summer break; choreographing musical theatre on Broadway.”  Principal Dixon told them Izzy furrowed her brow sadly, she wished she could have said goodbye and Chloe hung her head; she liked Jenny.  “So I’d like to introduce to you our new Dance Teacher, Ms Evin Atkas.”  A voluptuous woman who glowed with awkward enthusiasm stood up for a moment and waved slightly before sitting down.  “She’s both classically and contemporarily trained in numerous styles of dance and I look forward to seeing what you all produce together in the coming year.”  The kids clapped politely, while Elsa looked up with her eyes, her head still lowered, at Evin.  Elsa had liked Jenny, and she wasn’t in the mood for getting to know a new teacher. 

Principal Dixon started to set out the rules of the school and Finn started to feel a slight anxiety in his stomach.  In just a few days on Friday it would be the anniversary of their first break up.  He looked over at Rae and put his hand on her thigh, she turned her eyes to him and grinned.

_I love you_

He traced on her thigh and she put her fingers to his thigh and traced the same words slowly.  He felt slightly less anxious, but the fact that the Monday after this dark anniversary would be the day that saw Rae and Phillip heading to Lincoln without him, hung over him.  He started to worry that he had made a very big mistake but when he turned his eyes to look at Rae again she was still looking at him.  Behind her he could see Phillip looking at her, a sad and thoughtful look in his eyes.  Finn almost felt sorry for him; it would not be nice to be in his position; Rae was Phil’s sun.  But he was just a tiny candle to her. 

 

 

The morning had flown by and when lunch came Finn was glad to sit at their usual table and wait for the girls to get there. 

“Hi.”  A girl sat down opposite him, a first year. 

“Hey.”  Finn replied, barely looking at her.  She leaned forward, allowing a small amount of cleavage to be revealed and held out her hand to him.

“My name’s Kirstie.”  Finn looked at her hand and took it disinterestedly.

“Finn.”  He said, wishing he already had an English book to read.  He watched her curl her fingers into her hair and give him a winning smile. 

“So what kind of stuff are you into?”  She asked and he shrugged.

“Dunno.”  He looked away and she giggled slightly.  “Where are they?”  He mumbled to himself. 

“I’m really into music and stuff.”  She said, “I like some tv shows and stuff as well.”  She tried to prompt him, “What’s your favourite tv show.”  Finn sighed. 

“I don’t watch a lot o’ tv.”  He said without thinking, he looked up at her for a minute.  She was really very pretty and he could hear the giggles from some girls at one of the other tables.  He liked it better when no one came out to these tables.  The girls at the other table were a bunch of first year girls; all of them watching him and Kirstie.  There were some first year lads at a table a bit further away looking at the girls, a couple of them eyeing Kirstie in particular. 

“You seem like more of a music man.” She lowered her eyes at a pretty decent attempt at seduction before flicking them up to him with clear desire for him. 

“Yeah.”  He said softly and looked away.  He sighed with relief when he saw the girls crossing the grass towards him, chatting and laughing. 

“Blink 182 are my favourite band.”  She told him hopefully.  Chloe had zeroed in on Kirstie with a narrow eyed glare.  Rae was grinning at him, her eyes glued to her Finn.  Izzy was chatting happily, both girls still replying to her as they approached the table. 

“Right.”  He answered, his eyes staying on Rae as she finally got to him, her hair moving in the slight breeze, her skin, glowing like it always did in the sun. 

“D’you like them?”  Kirstie asked, having not seen the girls coming. 

“Beat it.”  Chloe said to her with a huge fake smile. 

“What?”  Kirstie asked with big round eyes. 

“Get the fuck away from me best mate’s boyfriend, you fucking slag.”  Chloe said, maintaining the sweet smile.  Finn scrunched up his face, he didn’t think there was any need to be that mean, not yet anyway.  Kirstie scrambled to her feet and went back to the table with the other first year girls.  Chloe sat down where she had been and smiled sweetly at Finn.

“You need to be more assertive Finlay.”  She told him as she took her lunch out of her bag.  Finn shook his head slightly but didn’t reply.  “Your usual, ‘show no interest’ routine doesn’t work.”  She told him, “You should know that from Phil.”  She finished with a smug nod of the head and he rolled his eyes.

“Alright.”  He told her. 

“She might o’ just been trying to be friendly.”  Izzy said, “Boys and girls can be just friends.”

“Izzy.”  Chloe said, “Did her body language say ‘friend’ to you?”  Izzy scrunched up her nose and shook her head reluctantly.  Rae gave Finn another apologetic smile and sat down beside him.  She saw the first year girls watching, waiting to see which one of the girls he’d kiss; which one of these girls was the chosen one, the competition.  When Finn leaned in to kiss Rae, she could almost hear the gasps of horrified shock from the table.  She tried to close out the sounds of their whispers as Finn’s tongue brushed against hers sensually, sexually; he was making sure that it was known he was taken, in this kiss.  That was why he hadn’t felt the need to be mean to the girl; he intended to just make it clear he was not available by being so focussed on Rae that there was no doubt left in anyone’s mind. 

“Have you seen Bryn?”  Izzy asked when Rae was able to return to the conversation, Finn’s arm around her shoulders as he ate his sandwich one handed, the fingers of his other hand gently playing with her hair. 

“Which one’s he?”  Rae asked and Finn cocked an eyebrow at the interest in her voice.

“Mike’s little brother.”  Izzy replied.

“Yes!” Chloe said suddenly. 

“Haven’t seen him yet.”  Rae complained, “At least I don’t think I have.”  She said before taking a bite of food.

“You’d know if you saw him.”  Chloe assured her.

“Spitting image of Mike.”  Izzy told Rae.  “I thought it were Mike walking through the halls again, till I saw he’s a little taller and a little lither.” 

“Oh so we got Hot Bryn now?”  Rae asked and Izzy nodded emphatically, Chloe giggled, “That’s nice.”  She said jokingly, “Keeping the title in the family.”  Finn sighed silently.  He so needed another boy right now. 

“Apparently Ronan was hot Ronan when he were here, so you’re right there Rae.”  Izzy said and squeezed a grape between her fingers before putting it in her mouth. 

“Ronan’s the older brother yeah?”  Chloe asked and Finn nodded.  He had known Ronan a little; hadn’t liked him at all. 

“That’s right.”  Izzy said, “Chop knows him pretty well I guess.” 

“Well I hope Bryn is more like Mike than Ronan.”  Finn said but Chloe shrugged.

“I don’t care what his personality’s like when he looks like that!”  Izzy giggled and Rae started to laugh and stopped, looking at Finn from the side of her eye awkwardly.  “Just fuck ‘em and leave ‘em when they’re that pretty.”  Chloe grinned at Finn’s uncomfortable look.  “Might be channelling boys too much.”  She laughed, Izzy joining in.  Finn noticed Rae lowering her eyes and looking at her food with pursed lips. 

“No way!”  Izzy laughed, “If I were single I might be on the prowl.”  She said in a voice that was almost too cute to be taken seriously with that sentence.  Finn tried to remember that this was just girl talk and that Izzy was not planning on leaving Chop to go on the prowl.  He wished he had a couple of lads here to talk to.  He missed Archie, who always seemed to temper the group somehow. 

“I’d like to see you on the prowl Iz!”  Chloe grinned, “You’d be like a little tiger cub.”

“Oi!”  Izzy laughed, “I am a very sexual woman.”  She told Chloe firmly, “Just because I’m not as experienced as you and Rae, it don’t mean I’m not.” 

“Speaking of very sexual.”  Rae turned her eyes to Chloe, “How’s it going with Rhys?” 

“Oh fuck.”  Finn mumbled under his breath and lowered his eyes as Izzy turned her eyes to chloe with an expectant grin.  Chloe scrunched up her face.

“What’s wrong?’  Izzy asked and Chloe sighed.

“Nothing with him.”  Chloe replied, “He’s perfect and patient and…” She threw her apple core towards the bin with a frustrated grimace.  “The problem is; I’m not doing anything really interesting with him.”  She picked at the zip on her bag, “He goes down… perfectly.  Perfectly, I can’t even get over what that man can do with his mouth…” she grinned happily, “And then I get on top and ride him till I scream me lungs out from coming so hard.” 

“Sounds good to me.”  Rae wrapped the crusts of her sandwich up and Finn took the rubbish and shoved it in his bag. 

“It is amazing!”  Chloe said, “I’m not complaining about what we actually do… just… I haven’t been brave enough to do anything else, and I know he’s taking his cues from me.” 

“So what you’re saying is, you wish he’d throw you on the bed and fuck your brains out?”  Izzy asked and Rae laughed at the face Chloe gave her.

“Yes.”  Chloe said, “But it’s not him I’m complaining about.  It’s me.”  Chloe lowered her eyes and Rae leaned over the table and took her hand, understanding that Chloe was having a crisis of confidence.  “I haven’t even been brave enough to suck his cock.”  Chloe confessed. 

“Why?”  Rae asked sympathetically and Finn tried to think of lyrics, chord progression, times tables even…

“He’s fucked Elsa.”  Chloe said simply and Rae made a noise of understanding.

“I wouldn’t wanna follow that.”  Izzy agreed.

“I just don’t feel like I can live up to her.”  Chloe said miserably. 

“I just feel that it wouldn’t matter what you were doing, she’d somehow do it better.”  Izzy continued, “Even just lying there and taking it.” 

“As impressive as Elsa is.”  Rae said slowly, “I feel like… like there’s only so much you can do with sex, you know?”  Chloe and Izzy looked at her with confused faces, “Like with hetero sex… there’s only so many ways you put a dick in a vag.”  Rae said, “There’s only so many positions you can do before it gets uncomfortable, ridiculous or wildly impractical, and sometimes even just outright painful…”  Rae said with a look that indicated she’d experienced that, “There’s only so many ways you can suck it or lick it or… anything really.”  Chloe blinked slowly as if not quite believing what she was hearing, “I just feel like eventually if you’re not happy with what you can do, you’ll never be happy, cos there’s an end to what you can do.”  Chloe and Izzy turned their eyes to Finn but he was looking down at his fingers, trying not to listen.

“What d’you mean?”  Chloe asked with furrowed brows, “Aren’t you two the grand explorers of our little gang?”

“I’m not saying you can’t explore and enjoy things.”  Rae said, “But eventually we’ll find the limits of what we’re willing to try… so we’d better be happy with what we already do, right?” 

“I s’pose.”  Chloe said, still not getting what Rae was saying.

“It’s just, everyone keeps going on and on about sex, especially kinky or rough or wild sex, right?”  Rae said, “And I think we just all end up feeling like that’s what we’re s’posed to be doing all the time.”  Rae said, “But the majority of sex is not like that.”  She leaned forward, “Even Finn and I aren’t having wild kinky sex all the time.”  She told them, “Most o’ the time it’s ordinary, vanilla sex.  And sometimes we fall off the bed or trip over or elbow each other, or the foot can’t find the right place or oops someone farted…”

“Chop’s done that.”  Izzy agreed.

“Right, and you laugh… I can’t believe how much I laugh during ordinary sex.” 

“Same.”  Izzy grinned happily. 

“And even though Finn and I do some pretty kinky shit, and probably always will… these moments of ordinary, supposedly boring sex, are just as amazing for me.”  Finn looked up at the side of her face and grinned slightly; maybe it wasn’t so bad hearing the girls talk.  “I just feel like if your sexual pleasure depends on always putting on a performance or a show… that’d get pretty boring too eventually… it’s not a competitive sport, we’re not gonna be given grades at the end of it.  It’s about people connecting and enjoying it and giving each other pleasure.”  Rae shrugged, “So you feel you’ll be ordinary in comparison to Elsa?”  Rae asked, “So what?  If you can’t enjoy supposedly ordinary sex with your partner, then you’re probably focussing on the wrong thing.  There’s not an audience in there with you Chlo, you don’t have to prove you’re the kinkiest most interesting fuck in the world.  And I really don’t think Rhys is the kind of man that’ll compare his previous lovers to you.” 

“He’s not.”  Finn said softly and Chloe turned her eyes to Finn as if she had forgotten he was there. 

“And I don’t think that Elsa can just magically do things better than you, just cos she got experience.”  Rae said honestly.  “You’ll do things differently, and that’s good.  Neither will be better.  Just different.” 

“Maybe Rhys is enjoying more ordinary sex after girls like Elsa and that Pandora from the sex show stuff?”  Izzy said thoughtfully. 

“Yeah but I don’t wanna be ordinary, as much for myself as for him.”  Chloe countered.

“Stop comparing yourself to Elsa then, and just get on with it.”  Rae said firmly.  “She can’t be that much better at dealing with a dick than the rest of us.”  Rae shook her head slowly. 

“I dunno.”  Izzy said slowly, “Today the girls in my home ec class were talking about techniques for making it more pleasurable for him.  And one of ‘em’s called ‘milking it.’”  Izzy said, “It’s like you loosen vagina muscles when he’s thrusting in and tighten ‘em when he’s pulling out.”

“What every time?”  Chloe asked.

“Yep, every single thrust.”  Izzy nodded looking as concerned as Chloe.  “I bet Elsa does that, while the rest of us are just lying there with our vag’s all open, just taking it.”  Izzy lamented.  Finn narrowed his eyes and once again desperately wished for Archie… or even Phil… any male right now would do. 

“I just don’t think I could do it!”  Chloe said anxiously, “I just wouldn’t remember to keep doing it. I get too caught up in it… oh fuck, I think I’m a selfish lover.” 

“Oh god!”  Rae groaned unimpressed, “What’s the point of doing something all the time that’s just for pleasing him?”  Rae asked and Chloe and Izzy once again turned their eyes to Finn, but he was desperately looking out across the grass for anything resembling a male he knew.  “Like sure, occasionally do something one sided, that just one of you like… but most o’ the time it should please both of you!  There’s two o’ you fucking isn’t there?” 

“Yeah.”  Chloe answered as if finally coming back to her senses.  “Unless we have a threesome or something.”

“Well yes there’s that.”  Rae agreed.  “But for now…?”

“Two of us.”  Chloe agreed firmly. 

“And as for milking it.”  Rae continued, “If it feels good for you, you’ll remember to do it.  And if it doesn’t but it’s good for him, then you’ll be able to remember to do it sometimes right?”  She shrugged.  “I just think you’re worrying about something that you don’t need to worry about Chlo.”  Rae told her, “Rhys is nuts about you, and I don’t think he’s gonna be thinking about anyone else when he’s with you.  Not even Elsa.” 

“Thanks Rae.”  Chloe grinned, “I’m gonna get my mouth around that beautiful cock, you wait and see!”  She laughed.

“I’d rather not see.”  Rae replied chuckling.

“But tell us all about it when you do it?”  Izzy asked.

“Pfft!”  Chloe said as if that were a stupid question, “O’ course!”  Finn furrowed his brows and looked across the grass to see James crossing the space towards them. 

“Earl!”  He called out and gave her a huge hug as soon as he got there, “Finn.”  He said more softly, lowering his eyes when he saw Finn’s arm around Rae. 

“James!”  Chloe jumped up and he started to laugh as she threw her arms around his neck, “I haven’t seen you in forever!” 

“Gemmel!”  He said and sat down.

“It’s Harris now.”  He looked at her for a moment.

“Alright!”  He laughed, “Always had to be fucking difficult!”  She laughed.

“What are you doing here?”  She asked him.

“Doing me second year.”  He answered, his eyes flicking over to Rae and then Finn. 

“This is Izzy.”  Rae put in and James looked over at her.

“Hey…”

“Reid.”  She told him and he laughed.

“Hi Reid.”  He said gratefully. 

“So are you Dewhurst then?”  Finn asked.

“No Bates.”  Chloe answered. 

“No I changed to Dewhurst.”  James told her.

“Oh who’s fucking difficult now?”   Chloe asked him with a grin.

“What d’you mean now?”  He replied, “I’ve always been the most difficult haven’t I?” 

Chloe, James and Rae were reminiscing, making Izzy giggle with their stories while Finn tried to figure out if he liked James or not.  It was impossible not to notice that he favoured Rae a lot, but it felt relatively friendly.  But there was still something weird in the way he looked over at them and Finn scrunched his face up and looked away as he saw James’s eyes fall back upon them again.  He saw Woody ambling across the grass towards them.

“DUDES!”  He called out rambunctiously and Rae shook her head laughing as he crashed into the table, “Oh fuck!”  He laughed and sat down, “Been looking for you funky cats.”  He said, “Got some hash brownies for you all!” 

“Not at School Woody!”  Rae told him and he frowned, confused.  “Alright.”  He shrugged as he took a bite, “Save yours for later foxy lady.” 

Finn sighed internally again; well he’d wished for some lads…

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Rock Me baby’ by Otis Redding _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKpI3o-1CSM&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKpI3o-1CSM&feature=kp)

 

“How like Mike are we talking?”  Archie lay across the lounge, his feet up over the back of it and twirled his fingers in the chord to the phone.

“Almost exactly.  It’s like Mike never left.  Except this one’s called Bryn.”  Chloe’s voice was filled with humour and he could hear her sorting through something on the other end of the line, probably a drawer or the bottom of her wardrobe.

“Are they related?”

“Yep, little brother.  Apparently he was an accident.”  She laughed.

“I heard that Mike’s older brother looks almost the same as him too.”

“I heard!”   Chloe exclaimed, “And I just think; so they had three boys and they all look alike.  I feel like someone should give their parents a gift basket and a thank you card!”

“They’re no use to me unless one of them’s gay!”  Archie laughed and let his eyes wander over to Tom.  Tom always started with clients at 5am on Mondays and finished for the day at 1pm.  He’d come home to a beautiful home-cooked lunch, courtesy of Archie and he’d talked about his day jovially while they ate, Archie’s eyes wandering over to the beautiful, apparently antique high-backed wooden chair that sat in the corner of the lounge room; the same one Chloe had hated and Rhys had refused to sit in again.  It was actually a heavy metal chair painted to look like wood.  As soon as Tom had put his fork down Archie had played the seducer, kissing and undressing him and now he sat tied to the chair, a choke collar around his neck, attached to the high back of the chair so that it would constrict his breath if he slouched.  Tom sat with his arms tied behind him, his legs tied to the chair and his spine as straight as a ruler.  His eyes were closed in concentration; he’d been like this for three hours now.  Archie was good at making him suffer like this. 

“Still good to look at even if you can’t have ‘em.”  She told him with a grin in her voice. 

“How was poor Finn without another lad to talk to?” 

“He misses you.”  Chloe said, “No doubt about it.  But he’ll survive; there’s new lads now.  And he’s got Rae.” 

“Yeah he’s always got her.”  Tom moved one of his fingers slightly; he was probably getting pins and needles.  Archie took the cane and smacked his knuckles hard and Tom’s mouth opened silently in pain, but he made no other sign; he could handle a hard caning easily and Archie watched as the corners of his opened mouth turned up with pleasure. 

“What was that Arch?”  Chloe had heard the smacking noise.

“Dropped a book.”  Archie said instantly; the whole house had floating wooden floorboards, so it seemed possible that a hard covered book could make a cracking noise when dropped on these floors. 

“Oh right.”  She answered absent-mindedly, “anyway, why didn’t you warn me how much harder second year is?”  She asked him, “I’ve only been back one bleeding day and I’m already stressed out o’ me mind.”

“You’ll get through it Chlo.”  Archie soothed and let his eyes creep over the incredibly fit body of his boyfriend. 

“How d’you do it and put up with us lot at the same time?”  She marvelled.

“I’ve often asked myself that.”  He laughed.

“So how’s your life of leisure going?”

“Well I spent all morning planning me overseas travel and cooking a delightful lunch for the love of my life.”  Archie watched Tom’s eyes open and he mouthed the words ‘I love you’ with a lusty, happy grin, before closing his eyes and focusing again; it was quite torturous being in the chair and required a lot of focus to deal with the pain of your aching muscles, Archie knew. 

“Lucky bastard.”  Chloe tutted at him, “Right well I gotta go and do me homework.  You coming to see us at lunch tomorrow?”

“Might do.”  He considered it.

“Alright love you Archer.” 

“Love you too Chlo.”  He hung up, reaching above his head and finding the phone on the table.  He turned his eyes to Tom and slowly sat up.  “I ordered something through the mail.”  Archie said softly.  Tom’s only response was to cock an eyebrow, his eyes still closed.  Tom had mail order forms for several stores, Archie could be talking about anything from organic handmade beeswax candles to leather cock rings made to measure.  Archie reached under the lounge and pulled out a box and slowly opened it.  Tom heard the sound of Archie taking something out of a box and opened his eyes to see what it was.  Archie ran his finger along a palm sized rectangle object, black and with a few knobs and buttons on it.  Next Archie pulled out some long wires and Tom cocked his eyebrow again; this was new.  Archie opened up the instruction manual and easily followed the instructions, attaching four to the four wires and plugging the wires into the machine.  Tom started to understand what Archie had in store for him and made a lusty sound in the back of his throat.  Archie slipped off the lounge and knelt in front of Tom, gently running his fingers down Tom’s chest and stomach.  Tom expected Archie to attach the electrodes to his stomach; that made sense, and it would be exquisite pain.  He grinned with a deep desire as Archie kissed his stomach, heightening Tom’s anticipation.  As Archie kissed down Tom’s stomach he gently reached between his legs, lifting his testicles he placed the first electrode on Tom’s perineum.  Tom’s eyes opened wide and Archie looked up at him, licking in a long wet lick up his stomach as he placed the second electrode on Tom’s balls.

“You’re diabolical.”  Tom said looking into Archie’s eyes.

“Learned from the best.”  Archie replied seductively as he placed another electrode on the base of Tom’s cock, the fourth going on his lower stomach.  Tom’s heart was beating faster than he remembered it beating during play in a long time; he was deeply excited.  Archie sat on the edge of the lounge and crossed his legs, leaning forward on his knee he took the black contraption into his hand and looked down at the instruction manual. 

“Anything up to a level one is pleasurable for most people.”  Archie said softly to Tom after having read it from the instruction book.  He turned on the machine and slowly turned the knob to one.  Tom nodded slowly as the electrodes send delicious tingles through his entire groin, the neck collar feeling tighter than ever around his throat.  “So that’s nice?”  Archie asked watching Tom’s cock harden.

“Pleasant.”  Tom said wryly, knowing what was to come.

“There’s twelve levels on this.”  Archie looked back down at the manual, “At level six apparently,” Archie looked at Tom, “most people will find it painful.  Level seven is too painful for most.”  Tom bit his bottom lip expectantly, “I suspect then that you’ll be on level nine before I hear you scream.”  He said this in a soft, almost academic voice that Tom was wildly turned on by; it was like the torture Archie was about to do to him was completely scholarly.  Archie loved the way Tom looked at him, the deep, intense desire in his eyes, his lips parted, his body moving with his deep, fast breaths.  He turned the knob slowly up to level two and Tom made a small sound to indicate it was still pleasant.  Archie pushed through levels three and four without pausing.  It was at level five that Tom rolled his eyes back in his head, his cock fully hard, a lusty, throaty moan left his lips and Archie knew it was starting to hurt him a little as he watched Tom’s body tense with the pain, the knob still turning towards level six.  Pre-cum started to ooze from Tom’s cock at level six, his body was tense but starting to move rhythmically, as if he were ready to fuck, his eyes were now fixed on Archie, a predatory, sexual glare on his face, his mouth opened in pleasure.  Archie paused, taking in Tom; he was breathtaking like this, his teeth slightly bared, his whole body tense with pleasure, eye-fucking Archie.

“How’s level six for you?”  Archie asked.

“A blow job’d be nice.”  Tom answered with a deep voice, laced with danger.  Archie grinned nonchalantly; he held all the aces and had no intention of stopping just yet.  He pushed the dial up towards seven and watched Tom’s muscles tense further, his eyes become hooded with pain he let out a slow gasp, his mouth opened but the corners of his mouth turned up in an ecstasy of pain.

“Would you prefer me to suck your dick now?”  Archie asked and Tom nodded, his semi closed eyes never leaving Archie’s.  Archie turned the knob up to eight and Tom’s breathing grew more laboured as he gritted his teeth through his grin of pain.  Sweat started to bead on his forehead and he squeezed his hands into fists.  Archie immediately caned Tom’s hands and he flattened them out again, his chin quivering slightly as his cock oozed more pre-cum; this was Tom in his happy place. 

“How about now?”  Archie asked and Tom groaned with desire.

“Suck my dick.”  He almost pleaded.   “Suck it.”  The pain was intense and it made his whole body ache for pleasure.  Archie smiled sweetly and turned the knob slowly towards nine and watched Tom’s brow furrow in pain, his lusty groans beginning to be tinged with more and more pain as the dial turned up. 

“Stop.”  Tom gasped, knowing that Archie wouldn’t stop without hearing the safe word, but feeling so close to it being too much.  He gritted his teeth, not really wanting to stop as he felt the electricity biting at him.  “Alexander!”  He cried out loudly and upon hearing the safe word Archie instantly turned off the machine.  The tension instantly fell from Tom’s body, all his muscles loosening immediately, and he felt the collar begin to choke him, so he made himself sit up straight again and raised his eyes, hooded with lust and remembered pain to Archie, his body still gasping; he wanted more.  Archie watched the desire take over Tom, his eyes filling with a savage desire. 

“Do you need to stop?”  He asked sincerely.

“No.”  Tom answered, “It was just much stronger than I was expecting.”  He looked at the machine in Archie’s hands respectfully, “I’ll be ready this time.” 

“You sure?”  Archie made sure and Tom nodded.

“I wanna continue.”  He grinned, his eyes still filled with lust.

“Alright.”  Archie answered and looked down at the machine, turning the knob back to one, Tom groaning gently in appreciation of the gentle tingle it provided.  They left it at that level for a few moments, taking the time to get back into the feel of the moment.  When Archie saw Tom’s eyes watching him expectantly, impatiently, he knew it was time to continue, and he looked back down at the machine.

“You didn’t quite make it to nine.”  Archie said grimly, “I’m disappointed.”  He looked up with a deeply disappointed face.  “And there’s twelve levels…” Archie knew that desire in Tom’s eyes; he wanted all twelve levels, he wanted the full amount of pain Archie could give him.  This was going to be a heavy session.  “You know I won’t be happy till you get to level twelve.”  Archie told him simply and Tom nodded slowly, the ache for that pain crunching through his core violently.  Archie reached into his pocket, smiling sweetly, “You might need something to bite down on.”  Archie said as he pulled out the ball gag.  Tom’s eyes fell to the ball gag and he stretched his neck and back slowly, moving enough to feel those electrodes pulling at his balls.

“Get me to twelve.”  He told Archie firmly.

“You might pass out.”  Archie told him with blasé voice. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”  Tom grinned dirtily and tried to shrug but couldn’t move enough due to his tied arms.  “Take as long as it takes.  I want a blow job at level twelve.”  His desire was almost palpable and he opened his mouth for the ball gag to indicate his mind was made up.  Archie put the ball in his mouth firmly and Tom bit down on it while Archie buckled it tightly behind his head.  He sat back down on the edge of the lounge and took the machine straight up from one to six.  The sudden increase in electricity on his balls made Tom cry out; half groan, half gasp.  Archie gave him a moment to enjoy the extreme pleasure he felt at a level most people would find painful.  He shot it up to level seven and watched Tom’s body flex with the pain; the tendons on his neck flexing impressively as Archie turned it up to nine.  The groans from Tom grew more urgent as the pain increased; Archie pushing past where the safe word had been said before and stopping on level nine for quite some time.  Every breath came with a painful moan as Tom threw his head back, his Adam’s apple working up and down in his throat under the tight collar, his body impossibly flexed with pain.  Archie waited and watched as Tom mastered the pain.  Slowly his muscles un-tensed, he got his breathing under control.  His body still shook with pain, but his eyes opened and he looked at Archie hungrily, his teeth digging into the ball gag.  Archie slowly, taking several minutes, started to turn the dial up to level ten and watched Tom’s head roll back, pre-cum beginning to flow from the tip of his cock again, the throaty moans returning, laced with a desperate, painful edge.  By the time Archie stopped the dial at ten and a half, Tom’s body was tensing up again, the pain making him cry out loudly, sweat dripping from his forehead, his body beginning to writhe; if he could speak he would have probably said the safe word.  But Archie knew he could still knock on the chair if he really needed to.  Archie put the controller down, still on, and wandered into the kitchen to get himself some water.  He stood in the kitchen for a full fifteen minutes, listening carefully for any knocks.  When he returned, sipping the water calmly Tom was panting wildly, his head down, but his muscles were loosening again.  He was conquering it.  Archie considered whether to go slowly onto level twelve or to slam it up quickly.  He turned it to level eleven suddenly and Tom cried out in agony.  Archie grinned, he did enjoy watching Tom like this; there was something so sexy about the way he conquered it every time.  Archie caned his hands again as he balled them into fists and he shouted around the ball gag at Archie angrily, his teeth pressing into the ball brutally.  He waited again as Tom tried to control his bodily reaction to the intense pain emanating from his groin through his entire being.  He was still writhing when Archie started to turn it up to twelve, his moaning cries rising in pitch slightly as Archie pushed it up fairly quickly.  Archie looked up at the clock; three hours in the chair, nearly forty minutes with the machine and neither of them had cum yet.  This had been a very heavy session.  He waited for a few minutes so Tom could truly experience and enjoy the pain he loved so much before he slipped off the lounge onto his knees.  Tom’s head was thrown back, crying out in pain; his cock throbbing, aching for pleasure, his whole body was tense and shaking with pain when Archie closed his mouth over his cock.  A sudden gasping groan of pleasure punctured through the moans of pain and Tom groaned and laughed with triumphant pain and pleasure as he managed to make himself look down at Archie sucking his cock, pleasure shooting through his agonisingly painful balls, the competing sensations heightening each other in an exquisite symphony.  When Tom’s muscles started to settle and he started to conquer the pain, Archie, still sucking his cock fervently, flicked another switch on the machine that turned the machine onto intermittent pulses.  The machine went to no electricity and Tom’s body went limp, except for his rock hard cock in Archie’s mouth and then the machine shot level twelve electricity through his groin.  Tom screamed in pain around the gag.  And then there was no electricity and he had time to catch his breath, except for the intense pleasure of Archie’s mouth, before the machine shot the electricity through him again.  Archie could increase or decrease the amount of time between the pulses and he slowly decreased the time until Tom orgasmed spectacularly, his cum spurting in time to the intermittent pulses from the machine.  Archie swallowed and stood up, unbuttoning his pants and dropping the machine to a more manageable level nine, but still leaving it on intermittent pulse.  He took the gag out of Tom’s mouth, deep teeth marks were in it and Archie knew it had been a good session for an exhausted Tom.  But Tom knew he had to give a little bit more and opened his mouth as Archie straddled him and stood with his groin in Tom’s face.  The intermittent pulses from the machine were still excruciating, but not as bad as they had been, and he could manage the pain without gritting his teeth.  Archie slid his cock into Tom’s mouth and started to thrust hard, Tom’s head pressed against the high back of the chair, his throat opening up for the hammering it was getting.  Archie and Tom never broke eye contact as Archie worked himself to orgasm in Tom’s throat, hard and brutal, Tom’s eyes watering from the effort of taking so a deep and hard face fuck.  When Archie came he did it thrust as deeply into Tom’s throat as he could; Tom didn’t even need to swallow afterwards, it was already down his throat.  As soon as Archie zipped his jeans back up he turned the machine off, Tom looked at him through bruised eyes, sweat dripping from his body, his breath coming in ragged gasps.  Archie gently took the electrodes off Tom and packed up the machine while Tom forced himself to sit up straight, his body very weary now.  Archie turned back to him and grinned at his sweating body, straining to be upright, the collar sitting tightly across his throat as he struggled.  Gently he took the collar off and Tom let himself slouch down, exhausted, his eyes staying on Archie’s face as he untied him.  Archie saw deep welts across Tom’s ankles where the ropes had bitten him fiercely.

“You did well with these ropes for so long.”  Archie praised him and Tom nodded clumsily; totally drained. 

“I know.”  His voice was raspy and he spoke and grinned with the same depleted energy.  Archie noted the same angry welt marks on Tom’s wrists and gently rubbed Tom’s hands as he held them in his lap, not moving from the chair yet.  Archie got up and put Tom’s favourite CD on – Otis Redding.  Tom’s eyes followed Archie around the room as he put the oil burner on and turned back to him.

“Take some deep breaths, I’ll be back in a minute.”  Tom watched Archie leave the room, still not able to move he was so sapped of strength.  He heard the spa bath filling and grinned slightly.  Archie walked past him to the kitchen, grabbing a few things and taking them to the bathroom before coming back to Tom and helping him stand slowly. 

“You alright?”  He asked him and Tom nodded slowly.  “You got to level twelve.”  Archie told him proudly, “Very impressive!”

“Yeah?”  Tom asked with a croaky voice. 

“Most definitely.”  Archie guided him to the bath and helped him get in carefully, putting the water and a pre-prepared plate of cut fruit, cheeses and nuts within arms reach for him, before hurrying off to turn the music up a bit.  Tom sunk into the hot water happily, his welts and the places where the electrodes had been stinging slightly.  He slid in until his face was under the water and held his breath for as long as he could before sitting up and nestling comfortable in the large spa bath.  Archie returned with a huge mug of Chai Tea for him and sat on the edge of the bath tub.

“Do you need anything else before I get in?”  Archie asked him and Tom shook his head.  Archie stripped off and carefully got into the tub behind Tom so that Tom could lean back onto him.  They lay silently for a while, Tom sipping water and Chai and eating fruit, getting his head together.  After a while he started to softly sing along to the music and Archie knew Tom was coming back to the world.  There was always a period of time after an intense amount of pain were Tom just needed to rest physically and mentally, Tom used to do this alone, but since he had been with Archie, he had done it in Archie’s arms.  Without a word he sat forward and Archie grabbed the shampoo and started to wash his hair for him.  Tom sighed appreciatively at the soft way Archie touched him as he continued on to wash his entire body with soothing, moisturising soap.

“How are you feeling?”  Archie asked Tom as they settled back into the water, Archie having emptied some water and put some more hot water in before turning the spa jets on.  Archie wrapped his arms around Tom and Tom reached up and held one of his hands.

“Peaceful.”  He kissed Archie’s fingers.  “That was incredible.”  He looked over his shoulder at Archie, “You’re a fucking artist.”  Archie grinned at Tom’s appreciative face.

“Well I do try to keep my man pleased.”  He felt rather happy with Tom’s response.  “You are so very sexy when you conquer pain.”  Archie told him and Tom smiled satisfied.  “And your throat is truly quite spectacular.”  Archie said appreciatively.  Tom didn’t need much in the way of aftercare; he was accustomed to taking care of himself after a heavy session, but even so, he felt these loving, calm moments after so much pain were something really special and intimate.  The bond between them was unbreakable and he felt this bond always, but most piercingly in these times.  Probably because of the way they both simply understood what the other needed.  Archie just seemed to know that Tom was always physically cold after a heavy session, and he would draw a hot bath for him, with Chai Tea to warm his insides up as well.  And Tom knew that Archie liked to sit still and not be moved after he’d undergone the pain, so he’d always bring out the portable heater to keep him warm while he would sit naked, taking deep breaths in between talking a mile a minute about what it had been like to feel all of that, Tom listening calmly and quietly to every single word.  There was something transformative about the way they inflicted pain on each other, different to what Tom had experienced in the past.  The mental element of it was far more intense for Tom now.  And this aftercare was a big part of that.  They’d stay in this bath, holding each other, touching tenderly, talking gently, until they pruned up, then they’d make love, joking that they looked like the old men they’d grow into together.  They didn’t really debrief or deconstruct the things they did to each other, other than a quick few sentences to show their appreciation for what had happened; they found they didn’t need to.  Mostly they talked about other things, they read books to each other, they sung along to the songs playing, and inevitably they kissed a lot.  After love-making, whoever had been the one in pain would choose a movie to watch and they’d order in whatever food they wanted.  And they’d rest together peacefully.  It was perfect. 

“Did you make any decisions about our trip?”  Tom asked as he traced his fingers along Archie’s arms, ticklishly.

“We’re gonna need at least six weeks in Egypt.”  Archie said, “Every time I think I’ve found everything to see there, I find something more!” 

“Sounds wonderful.”  Tom closed his eyes and grinned happily, still exhausted; Archie would have to be on top for the love making.

“And Greece obviously.”  Archie grinned, “Probably get away with just a month there.  But Turkey is gonna need months.  And that’s not even getting started on the ‘Stans… There’s so many other places Alexander ruled and went…”

“So we’re gonna need more than three months is what you’re telling me.”  Tom’s voice was filled with amusement.

“I’ve still got a lot of planning to do!”  Archie protested, “Three months will be fine.”  He knew that work was a problem with Tom, so he wouldn’t push past the three months.  “What about you, where do you wanna go?”

“Give me a week on a beautiful beach where we can be openly gay at the end of it, and I’ll do whatever you want for the 11 weeks preceding it.”  Tom told him.  They were both aware that homosexuality was illegal in Egypt and possibly in some of the other destinations they were going to, and that it was going to be a difficult journey in that regard. 

“Deal.”  Archie answered with a big grin. 

“I really fancy a nice omelette for dinner.”  Tom said softly a little sulky; he knew they’d be ordering something in.

“Want me to make you one?”  Archie asked with an indulgent grin. 

“Would you put shallots and little bits of bacon and red capsicum in it?”  Tom asked in the same tone.

“I’ll even make it with three egg yolks and four egg whites for you.”  Tom looked back at Archie with excited, grateful eyes.  “I won’t even complain about separating the egg.”  Archie was terrible at separating eggs.  “And we can have the rest o’ that salad you made yester on the side.”  Tom made a satisfied sound in the back of his throat and snuggled back into Archie’s arms. 

“You’re so good to me.”  Tom’s voice trickled with content happiness and Archie closed his eyes to drink it in. 

“What movie d’you wanna watch?”  Archie stroked his hair gently and as Tom raised his hand to scratch his cheek, Archie noticed the cane marks across the back of his fingers; he’d forgotten about them; he’d rubbed Tom’s palms, ankles and wrists but forgotten the back of his hands where he’d been caned numerous times.  He pulled a face and made a mental note to include Tom’s fingers on the list of places to apply the soothing honey scented balm Tom liked to use on his love-wounds. 

“‘The Killer Condom.’”  Tom answered with a happy grin.  Archie chuckled at his response; Tom loved B-grade movies that didn’t take themselves too seriously, and Archie could tell by the title of this one alone that it would be another classic example of Tom’s tastes. 

“Will I like it?”  Archie asked with a grin.

“You’ll love it.”  Tom assured him.  “There’s a gay detective with a 12 inch cock and a bunch of condoms that bite guy’s dicks and balls off.”

“Wow.”  Archie laughed, “What more do you need from a movie?”  He joked. 

“Exactly!”  Tom started to get out of the bath, “A row of tents is less campy that this movie, I’m telling you Archie; it’s perfect.”  Archie got out of the bath after him and started to dry him slowly.  He noticed that Tom’s muscles were still shaky.

“Still recovering?”  Archie asked concerned; Tom usually overcame the physical exertion of pain very quickly. 

“Yeah, still recovering.  I can still feel me balls tingling with electricity.”  He grinned, “It’s amazing.”  He sighed happily, “That was the most physical pain I have ever been in.”  Tom told him with a vulnerable look. 

“The most?”  Archie asked concerned and Tom grinned as he nodded. 

“That took me places… I have never been.  I loved it.”  He stroked Archie’s face reassuringly, “I love you.” 

“I love you.”  Archie grinned; happy his idea had given Tom so much pleasure. 

“Now make love to me.”  Tom asked him.  They slid to the bathroom floor kissing tenderly, Tom pulling Archie on top of him, his muscles twitching with effort as he wrapped his legs around Archie, wanting him to be closer, as close as possible. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Bad Habit’ by The Offspring _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wMa_t5cBgY>

 

Early Tuesday morning saw the gang heading down the boxing joint for a group training session.  When Rae and Finn, showed up a little late because Rae’s cramping had made staying in bed seem like the better option, Rhys and Tom were squaring off.

“Oh shit.”  Rae grinned, “This’ll be good.”  They sat on the floor, waiting for Chop and Izzy to show up, Archie and Chloe already there, watching as Rhys settled into a solid, immovable fighting stance and Tom bounced around lightly, both grinning almost sadistically.

“Bare knuckles?”  Finn asked surprised.

“There’s gonna be blood.”  Archie agreed.

“Chop’ll be so sad he missed this.”  Chloe kept her eyes on Rhys, biting her bottom lip. 

The differences between their fighting stances was marked; Rhys was still and focussed, Tom was light and almost playful. 

“Rhys won’t hit first.”  Finn noted as they continued to eye each other. 

“Aren’t you worried Archer?”  Chloe asked; they all knew how this fight was going to go.

“Ah he’ll just enjoy it.”  Archie shrugged as Tom, fast as lightening shot out his left fist at Rhys’s face.  Rhys took the punch but snapped his hand up to grab Tom’s wrist, yanking him, bodily, forward, onto his own fist.  Rhys’s fist planted firmly in Tom’s midsection, lifting him off the ground slightly before Rhys swept him up and slammed him to the ground.  But Tom flipped back up instantly and laughed as he bounced on the balls of his feet, just out of arm reach from Rhys, who hadn’t taken his eyes off Tom.

“What’d we miss?’  Chop asked excitedly as he and Izzy rocked up.  “Oh fuck!”  He said happily when Tom hit out again at Rhys, Rhys blocking him and sweeping his feet again.  Tom landed on his back and flipped up again, shaking his head. 

“Your feet are weak.”  Rhys told him and Tom nodded; this was a learning experience for him. 

“I thought it’d be more violent.”  Izzy said softly.

“They’re just feeling each other out baby girl.”  Chop told her.

“Now that Rhys has told Tom his feet are his weakness though…”  Archie grinned as Tom landed a roundhouse kick on Rhys’s face.  As Rhys rocked to the side, he fell to his knees and punched up, hitting Tom in the knee.  Tom backed the kick with a downward punch aimed at Rhys’s head, but Rhys blocked it and the next four rapid punches Tom aimed at his face, the fifth one found it’s mark and Chloe gasped as the first blood was drawn, Rhys’s nose erupting with blood.  Rhys grabbed Tom’s fist as it came hurtling towards him again and twisted it hard, Tom twisting his body to compensate, exposing his back.  From his kneeling position, Rhys leaned into a kick, aimed at Tom’s kidneys.  Tom stumbled forward, but Rhys still held his fist and yanked him towards him again, another kick to the kidneys and Rhys jumped to his feet from kneeling in one movement to knee Tom in the stomach three times before Tom managed to elbow Rhys in the face.  Rhys backed up, still holding Tom’s fist and elbowed Tom’s arm, making him cry out in pain, but that was only followed by an appreciative grin.  Again Rhys yanked him closer, this time punching his face hard, bloodying Tom’s nose.  Archie pulled a grim face and shook his head.

“Pull your fucking punches!”  He reminded them to go easy, “I like his face Rhys!”  Archie added and in response, Rhys landed a brutal punch to Tom’s solar plexus.  Tom elbowed Rhys’s face again and then kicked out, straight into Rhys’s kneecap, eliciting a grunt of pain from Rhys who twisted Tom’s arm again in response before slamming him back into the ground.  Instead of flipping straight up, Tom swept Rhys’s feet and as soon as he landed on his back Tom was on him, kneeing him in the gut hard.  Rhys punched Tom in the ribs and then in the jaw hard, Tom’s head rocketing sideways, blood and a tooth exploding from his mouth. 

“Alright that’s enough now!”  Archie said loudly as Tom gasped in pain and head butted Rhys in reply.  Rhys hit Tom in the ribs again and pushed him off him before jumping to his feet far more agilely that you’d expect from a man made of that much solid muscle.  Tom stayed on the floor for a moment, his hand to his mouth, before gritting his teeth and flipping up again.  As soon as he was up he landed two quick jabs to Rhys’s stomach and another elbow to the face.  But Rhys hit Tom in the mouth hard again, and then again and Tom fell to the floor.  He was still for a moment before he groaned slightly.  He got up slowly and took up his fighting stance again.  Behind them a tall, very slender woman had walked into the boxing joint and was approaching them. 

“Concede.”  Rhys ordered but Tom shook his head making Rhys grin.  Archie sighed and lowered his face into his hands momentarily before looking back up.  Tom aimed another hard kick at Rhys’s mid-section but Rhys blocked it, grabbing the foot and twisting it round until Tom was forced down onto his knee.  Rhys thumped the back of Tom’s knee hard and Tom twisted around to be able to aim a kick at Rhys’s arms.  Rhys yanked on Tom’s leg hard and kicked him in the gut.  And the tall, slender woman was there.

The gang looked on, utterly confused, when she tapped Rhys on the shoulder, and when he turned to look at her she thumped his face hard.

“Situational awareness O’Daire.”  She said in an authoritarian voice.  Rhys dropped Tom’s foot and backed away from the woman, taking a more active fighting stance as she approached him calmly. 

Finn’s jaw dropped as she let off a rapid-fire succession of punches and kicks, each frantically blocked by Rhys as he slowly conceded ground to her; her onslaught pushing him back, he was completely unable to stop her or even get enough of a pause in to hit back. 

“Holy fucking fuck!”  Chop said almost giddily. 

“This must be his trainer.”  Finn said, “Remember he said he were doing martial arts training?”  She leapt into the air and landed a hard kick on his face, landing like an agile cat before backing up to bring the fight back in line with the gang.  Tom had joined them, his shirt off and held to his nose and mouth, his lost tooth in his hand, a pleased grin on his face.  Archie stood up with him to give him water and check his wounds. 

“You are slow like an elephant.”  She said in a quiet calm but very commanding voice, “You bore me!”  As soon as Rhys returned to be in line with the gang she began again, Rhys again struggling to keep up with blocking her attack.  Behind them another person was approaching, a huge, barrel-chested man in his forties and a stern, intimidating face. 

Rhys finally managed to land a punch in the woman’s stomach, knocking her back.  She laughed appreciatively.

“But when you actually manage to land one, it’s good.”  She shook her head watching him, “Did you pull that punch?”  Rhys nodded.  “Don’t.”  She ordered aggressively.  The man approached from behind and without warning she spun around, aiming a kick at his face.  But his hand was up in no time, blocking her.  Rhys backed up and let the two newcomers fight, blocking and landing punches fairly evenly.  He took his shirt off and wiped the blood from his face. 

“These are my trainers.”  He told them.  “That’s Petra.  I go up to London once a week to see her.”  He explained as she ducked a brutal looking fist from the man.  “She’s done over thirty years of martial arts training, all throughout Asia.”  He told them.  “And that’s Gus, he was my first trainer when we both lived in London.  He works at the RAF Cottesmore now and lives in Oakham.  I train twice a week with him.”  Gus had managed to get the woman in that head hold that the gang had seen both Rhys and Tom use, so they knew it would be all over in a second.  But the woman kicked his face, over her own shoulder and he let go, scrambling backwards under a barrage of kicks from her.  “He’s trained with Sayeret Matkal, that’s one of the Israeli Defence Forces’ special units, and with the British Army Special units, both the SBS and the SAS.” 

“So that fucker knows Krav Maga?”  Chop asked amazed. 

“What the fuck is he doing teaching?”  Tom asked in an awed tone and Rhys shrugged.

“I like teaching.”  Gus answered, not missing a beat in his fight with Petra. 

“I’ve asked them both to come here and teach you a few things for a week.  I’m hoping Gus will take on Finn and Chloe as students.”  He said, “He doesn’t take many new students.” 

“Why Finn and not me?”  Chop asked hurt.

“Because Finn was my first student.”  Rhys answered and Chop nodded glumly, accepting what Rhys had said, “Chloe cos she’s my girlfriend and I’m playing favourites.” 

“What’s the real reason?”  Finn asked and Rhys smiled at Finn’s astuteness. 

“Because you’re ready Finn, and you need to choose how far you want your training to go.”  He told Finn, “and as for you Chloe, because when you came to training your goal was to beat me in a fight.”  He watched the grin spread over her face and nodded at Petra and Gus, “Anything you want missy.”  He told her.  “Rest assured that they can both kick my arse, and I’ve told them both to train you with that in mind, if you choose to do it.”  He looked at the rest of the gang, “Petra’s happy to take on anyone who pays, so you can all choose if you want to be taught by her.” 

“I’m expensive.”  Petra said as she blocked a knee from Gus.  “Truce?”  She asked Gus and he nodded, holding out a hand to her.  They shook and gave each other an appreciative nod. 

“Nice to meet you Gus.”  Petra said.

“Likewise.”  His voice was deep and gravelly.  “Who’s this Finn?”  He asked and Finn raised his hand tentatively.  “Get up boy.”  He said in an unimpressed tone.  Finn stood up and he looked Finn up and down and turned to Rhys. 

“He fights better than he looks.”  Rhys answered and Rae gave a slight scoff. 

“He better if you want me to take him on.”  He looked back at the gang.  “And Chloe?”  Chloe stood up and took a step forward, her chin jutted with determination.  “She knows she’s wants the training.”  Gus said and then looked back at Finn, “He doesn’t.”  Rhys gave a curt nod. 

“So they’ll be, here in Stamford, for the next 8 days.”  Rhys told them, “Learn everything you can from them.  And then after that, we’ll see what further training develops.”

“Wait does that mean, I don’t get the training?”  Finn asked Gus.

“Not unless you wow me kid.”  Gus answered, “The girl’s in.”  Chloe didn’t grin or show triumph she just nodded.  “She wants it so bad you can nearly taste it.”  Finn looked over at Chloe and then back at Gus and furrowed his brows; Gus was right, he didn’t know if he wanted to be trained this hard.  He had eight days to decide though. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Sleepyhead’ by Ed Kuepper _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHk0E7a91Tw&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHk0E7a91Tw&feature=kp)

 

Chop signed the documents, Joe smiling happily, Chop’s lawyer pointing to the place Chop needed to initial. 

“I’m so glad you’re buying this old place Arnie.”  Joe said, “I’ couldn’t o’ handled seeing her closed.” 

“You don’t need to worry about that Joe.”  Chop grinned, “Me and Danny got this place all figured out, we’ll keep her afloat.” 

“Well I hope you can turn a better profit from her than I could.”  Joe patted his back and left the office as soon as the papers were signed; he’d be back in the afternoon to make the announcement to the employees.  There was still some legal wrangling and the transferral of money, but for all intents and purposes the garage was Chop’s now.  Joe had sold it for half of what Chop had expected.  He looked around Joe’s half empty office; all personal things having been taken out, but drawers and drawers of messy paperwork and spare parts had been left behind.  Chop sighed; it’d take him and Danny a week at least to clean this up. 

“God Joe were a messy fucker.”  He scrunched up his face and sat back in the uncomfortable office chair, his lawyer still looking over the documentation. 

He started to go through the drawers in his desk as his lawyer said his farewells and left. 

He had lost track of time and had created two large piles; keeping and throwing, when Danny walked in humming an atonal tune and grinning happily, two hats perched upon his head as always.  He looked around the office. 

“Did Joe finally sell?”  He asked with an excited tone.

“Yeah Danny!”  Chop grinned toothily, “It’s all ours boy!”  Danny had wanted to buy the mechanic with Chop, but in the end hadn’t had that much money saved up.  Chop and he had worked out a 10% ownership deal, and Danny was extremely happy with that.  Chop would never tell Danny that he’d actually paid for maybe 2% of the business, because Danny liked the idea of 10%, and Chop figured that Danny would more than make up for the disparity between the amounts with his great ideas and work ethic. 

Danny flung his arms around Chop happily and then pulled back quickly.

“Do we hug?”  Danny enquired in his usual matter-of-fact tone.

“We do for this Danny!”  Chop hugged him.  Danny looked around at the piled of junk Chop was going through and sighed.

“Joe was a messy fellow wasn’t he?”  He asked and took out his framed picture of the duck and put it on his desk in the corner.  Every time Chop saw that picture he thought about what Rae had said about Tix. 

“Danny?”  Chop decided it was time to act; now that he and Danny finally had the business and Danny was in such a good mood. 

“Hm?”  He looked up from setting up his desk for the day. 

“The girl you see every night… Tix…?”  Chop asked slowly.

“Yes?”  Danny’s face showed no sign of concern that Chop was asking about Tix, so Chop decided to press on.

“Is she…?”  Chop stopped and thought carefully about what to say next, Danny looked at him expectantly, a calm smile on his face.  “Is she?”  Chop elongated the ‘e’ in ‘she’ for some time as tried to think how to word his question, “dead?”  He asked after a long time. 

“Yes.”  Danny answered with a sad look.  “I miss Tix.”  He said, “But I see her every night.”  He said with a happier smile.

“In your dreams?”  Chop asked with a careful tone.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”  Danny replied and kept sorting out his desk.

“Lucky guess.”  Chop replied and thought about what they’d said. 

_At least he’s not deluded or insane or something like that._

_Don’t want me mate to be out of it… Plus I’d lose a bloody good accountant._

_Right… so now what to do with this new found knowledge?_

“D’you have a girlfriend?” 

“Just Tix and Rae and Izzy and Chloe.”  Danny replied. 

“Yeah I mean… like special girl… friend…”  Chop’s mouth hung open as he saw Danny’ consider this; his mind was working as hard as Danny’s to figure out this problem. 

“They’re all special aren’t they?”  Danny answered. 

“But Tix…”  Chop said, “She were extra special right?”  Chop asked, “Like… you wanted to maybe kiss her?”

“Oh you mean do I have a lover?”  Danny asked, “Or a romantic partner?”  Chop nodded his head slowly, “No.”  Danny replied and turned back to his desk.

“Right.”  Chop answered, “Well would you like a girlfriend?”

“I’ve got four.”  Danny answered and Chop stared at him confused for a moment.  “Well three if you only count the living types.” 

“No I mean… would you like a…” Chop couldn’t bring himself to use the word lover, “romantic partner?”  Danny stopped what he was doing and stared at Chop for a long time.

“Yes.”  Danny answered simply with a slight nod of his head, “I suppose I would.” 

“Right!  Good!”  Chop replied, he could work with this.  “Well what do you look for in a girl?”

“Do you mean girl or do you mean _girl_?”  Danny asked and Chop gave him a confused look for a moment. 

“A girl…”  Chop answered slowly. 

“Oh right.  Well Rae and Izzy are quite nice to me.”  Danny said, “I quite like them,” He nodded slowly, “And Chloe seems to be slightly lost with me, but she tries so that’s ok.  I am quite mental.” 

“Um…”  Chop blinked a few times trying to wrap his head around everything, “So you’d like a mixture of the girls as your romantic partner?”  He asked slowly. 

“Oh I thought you were just asking about girls.  Not _girls._ ”  Danny replied and Chop shook his head in utter bewilderment.  “I suppose for romantic partners I just look for a girl that won’t worry about how mental I am.” 

“Well that seems easy enough.”  Chop grinned reassuringly. 

“No.”  Danny said softly, “Sometimes people don’t realise how hard it is to not be normal in the brain.”  He told Chop.  Chop gave him a grim smile.

“Well what’s normal anyway?”  He said bracingly.

“Someone whose own brain doesn’t work against them.”  Danny said softly, “Whose mind doesn’t show them things that aren’t there.  Whose mind doesn’t whisper all sorts of unspeakable things to them.”  Danny looked away, “Someone who’s able to see this world as it is, rather than as something…”  Danny paused for a long time, clearly in thought, “It really isn’t.”  He finished softly as he looked up at Chop.  “Someone who can live in this world without their brain fighting them constantly to take them out of this world.  To make them find a nice quite place and just stay there.”  He rubbed his fingers against each other slowly, “That’s why I like the duck pond.  It’s quiet.”  Chop considered this for a while and then jutted his chin determinedly. 

“Well you do live in this world Danny.”  He said, “And if your brain is fighting you on it, then you’re doing a much better job than the rest of us who never have to go through that.”  Danny grinned in response, “You got mates and a family who love you, you got a job… now you part own a company!”  Chop said, “And you’re doing all the stuff you do, with your brain fighting.  Fuck man, you’re a fucking champion!”  Danny shrugged, “So, I think it’s time to find you a _girl_ girl!”  Chop told him, “I’ll be your wingman the next time you come to the pub, right?”

“Alright.”  Danny said happily and turned back to his desk.  They worked in silence for a few moments.  “If it’s not too much to ask… can she like hugs too?”  Chop nodded with a happy grin as he sorted through the junk.

“So the checklist is; one, fine with your brain, and two, likes hugs.”  Chop said, “I think we can find someone like that.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Pinion’ by Nine Inch Nails _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfW0ke4bwI4>

 

Rae checked the mail, there was a flyer for a clothes swap that she eyed interestedly, standing at the letterbox, barefoot, still in the clothes she had worn to school.  She had a free for the last period and has headed home early to do some homework, even though her mum preferred her to study at school in her free periods.  Finn would head over after his last class for the day, in an hour or so. 

She looked over the other junk mail, seeing if anything was worth keeping; a new pizza place, a sale at an underwear store, the hair’s on the back of Rae’s neck suddenly pricking up.  Rae felt a sudden gentle swell of fear in the pit of her stomach.  She was suddenly filled with the inescapable, absolute knowledge that someone was watching her. 

She spun around to look up the street, apparently empty to the right, but as her eyes scanned to the left she saw a car parked just a few doors up. 

She knew that from that exact spot you could see into her room. 

Rae couldn’t take her eyes off the apparently empty car. 

She knew he was in there.

Knew it. 

Her brain screamed at her to run into the house, but to her own horror she felt her bare feet moving her towards the car. 

She had to know. 

She had to know if he was back.

If he was in the car. 

Her breath came in short, terrified gasps as she got closer to the car, the letters still clutched in her hand tightly. 

She kept her eyes on the empty space behind the steering wheel, waiting to see if he was crouched down there.  Had he ducked down when he’d seen her spin around? 

Rae could feel her whole body shaking violently with absolute terror as she took another step.

And another.

And another.

She approached the car, trying to stop her voice sobbing with fear. 

The car was empty. 

Rae held her breath and scanned the car again.

Empty. 

She let out the breath and felt relieved.

And then a thought slowly slid into her brain like the tendril of some deep-sea horror. 

_He’s behind me._

She spun around again to see an empty street. 

She looked up and down the road, her heart thumping loudly in her ears. 

_Run._

She ran to the house, feeling eyes on her, feeling his breath on the back of her neck, feeling his hands just about to close around her neck. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I wanna sex you up’ by Color Me Badd _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ask_sedxu0o&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ask_sedxu0o&feature=kp)

 

Finn finished his cigarette, leaning on the front door, looking out at the empty street.  He knew that he and Rae had to get Aiesha from Alice within the next 15 minutes or so, and they’d be babysitting her until Linda and Karim both got home from work in a few hours.  They were also expected to cook dinner tonight, and somehow do homework too.  It was much easier getting just about anything done at his place, but he did enjoy the insanity that was Rae’s house, now that he had finally started to grow accustomed to it.  He pocketed his butt to put in the bin; Linda had screamed at him for flicking them into the garden a few weeks back, and unlocked the door.

It was silent in the house; Rae usually played music when she was at home alone.  He walked through to the kitchen, his eyes scanning the house for any sign of something being wrong. 

Linda had bought a second cot for Aiesha to go downstairs, and now that she was sleeping through the night, some nights she slept downstairs instead of upstairs; the nights when some privacy was desired.  It was a temporary solution to the space problem that seemed to be working very well, but it meant that half of the lounge room had been taken over by Aiesha’s things and it made everything always messy and therefore harder for Finn to see if anything was amiss. 

When he pushed the kitchen door open he saw Rae jump in fright and he stopped in the doorway.

“What’s wrong?” 

“There was a car parked in the spot.”  She shook her head and sounded embarrassed, “I know it’s daft but it kinda scared me.”

“It’s not daft.”  He went over to her and kissed her gently.  “It’s not there anymore.”  He reassured her, “D’you want me to check the house?”

“I already have.”  Rae said, “Three times.”  They heard the front door open and both turned to the door with worried faces. 

Karim came through the kitchen door with Aiesha in his arms, to see them staring at the door.

“What is it?”  He asked.

“Nothing.”  Rae said, “What are you doing home so early?” 

“Swapped shifts.”  He told them, “It is not right to make you cook.”  He explained, “You have homework to do.”  Rae smiled at how good his English was getting, even if it did still have unnatural pauses while he considered his words carefully.  She sometimes had those too, and she didn’t have the good excuse of English as a second language for that. 

“Head upstairs.”  He told them, “Linda will be home in three hours.  Be back down before then.”  Rae gathered up her books and headed for the stairs, “Study!”  He ordered them.

“We will!”  Rae answered, “Thanks Karim.” 

 

 

When they got upstairs Rae took some more ibuprofen and Finn grimaced, regretting that he didn’t insist on them just using condoms.  She hadn’t told Linda she had the IUD, so she was trying to keep the resultant bleeding and cramps a secret.  She’d told her mum she was on another mega-period but eventually she’d have to wrap all of her waste up in a plastic bag and dump it in a school bin in the morning every day because she wouldn’t be able to use the bins at home.  It was a hassle. 

“So Sunday was the third day of your cycle?”  Finn asked, already knowing the answer.  She nodded, already knowing where he was going with this.  “And we’re still blocked by redgate?”  The first time Finn had called her period redgate Rae had dissolved into fits of giggles for a solid ten minutes, so of course the name had stuck.  “Your last three periods have only been four days long.”  He mused, “And the two before that were five days long.”  He sat down on the floor with her, pulling books out of his school bag, “I know the ones before that were hellishly long, but…”

“It’s only been seven days.”  Rae said, “And the gynaecologist said that it could last the whole month.”  Finn pursed his lips slightly, “You might have to wank Finn.”  Rae rolled her eyes.

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”  He told her.  “I fret about you bleeding at all.  Let alone for a fucking month.”  Rae tried not to smile fondly at the way he turned into a terrified old man every time she got her period, there’d be hot tea and hot water bottles and back rubs and chocolate provided without her needing to ask for it.  And he’d tell her to sit down and rest and take it easy.  The only problem was everyone around her always knew when she was on it, because Finn would be mothering her so incessantly.  She’d have to tell him to knock it off around her mother or else she’d catch on. 

“I’m fine.”  She told him, “But even with the cramping I’m still a bit horny.”  She grinned at him and leaned over to kiss him.

“You are such a tease girl.”  He whispered to her as she straddled him.

“Oh Finlay, it hurts me as much as it hurts you.”  She answered innocently and kissed his neck making him groan with desire and increasing frustration. 

 

 

Over the summer holidays Linda had relaxed the rule about what time they could go up to her room, and she hadn’t tightened it yet; going back to work, even part time, had made her weary, and as long as they were spending some time with the family and getting their homework done, the rest of it didn’t really matter to her at present. 

Rae and Finn had been making sure to spend time talking to Linda and Karim every night so they could go upstairs sooner and be alone.  Even if they were just studying, they got more done in Rae’s room than at the kitchen table, but the real reason they went up to Rae’s room was that it allowed them to fool around in between all that study. 

After dinner and an hour of very boring television with Linda and Karim, Finn and Rae said goodnight and headed upstairs. 

Since they’d already gotten plenty of homework done before dinner, and they were getting up early every day to head to the boxing joint to see Gus and Petra, they decided that the bed looked pretty good right about now. 

Finn stripped his clothes off and laid in the bed, holding his arms out to Rae, who stripped down to her granny knickers and straddled him again.  He was getting better at dealing with the ache for her that filled his whole body when they couldn’t have sex.  The yearning for her was just as powerful as the first time he’d been blocked by redgate, but it had settled into his gut; it was a part of him now, he knew how to cope with the waiting, the aching, the anticipation.  It still made him a little grumpy, but he didn’t show it as much.  Rae had learned to almost revel in the need to have him, she had turned teasing both of them into an art form; a torturous, exquisite game.  And Finn welcomed her onto him every night, ready for, wanting, the suffering she was going to make them go through.  He was already groaning as she settled herself on his lap. 

Seven days already. 

“This month is gonna kill me.”  He moaned and ran his hands up her back.  She leaned down, her hair falling onto his face, tickling his skin deliciously.  Every sensation of her; from her touch, to her smell, her taste, the way she looked, the soft noises of desire she made.  He groaned; the frustration building nicely as she kissed his chest slowly, deliberately searching for the places that gave him the most pleasure, running her fingers along his sides, sending tingles through his body until he shivered in delight. 

“Hopefully it won’t last a month.”  Rae said, “But the gynaecologist said the initial bleed could last up to six months, remember?”  Finn didn’t remember; he’d been so worried during that whole appointment that he only remembered snippets of it. 

“Six months?”  Finn asked utterly aghast.  “You cannot be fucking serious?”  She kissed his horrified face seductively.

“Imagined how frustrated we’ll be after that.”  She teased.

“You’ll fucking die Rae.”  Finn stopped her looked her in the eye, she saw the worry on his face and stroked his brow soothingly. 

“No I won’t.”  She told him, “Women go through this kind o’ stuff all the time.  Don’t worry about that.”  She started to kiss his neck again, “Worry more about blue balls.”  She laughed, knowing that he sometimes got a bit of a physical ache in his groin after hours of this kind of teasing. 

“I’m serious.”  He sighed, not completely able to shut out the feeling of what she was doing with her tongue.

“So am I.”  She whispered.  “I see Renata in a month, she’ll keep an eye on it all.”  She stroked his hair and gave him a reassuring look, “I’ll be fine.”

“It seems like a lot to go through for me.”  Finn mumbled.

“I didn’t just do it for you.”  Rae told him, “It’s good for me too.”  She fixed him with a firm gaze, “I kept forgetting the pill, and neither of us want a baby yet.”  He nodded, “I will never use condoms with you.”  She said firmly, “this really was the best option for both of us.”  Finn opened his mouth but Rae already knew he was going to either ask about condoms or fret about bleeding again so she just kissed him forcefully.  She knew he loved it when she was rough with him; she wasn’t always confident enough to be truly dominant with him a lot, not yet, but she was building to it, and every time she did push him around sexually a little bit, he responded beautifully.  She was still amazed at herself for being brave enough to do that thing with the candle she did.  But that had been to tease him, not to dominate him.  There was a different mental state, and she was still finding her inner dominatrix; and she was very much enjoying that journey.  She pushed his hands up above his head and held them there  Knowing he could easily break free if he wanted didn’t interfere with the sexiness of being held down for Finn.  And when she bit his bottom lip hard he groaned loudly in appreciation; she did know just what to do to him.  She gently traced around his nipple with her other hand and then squeezed it hard making him gasp. 

“Now are you gonna stop thinking about that and let me enjoy doing things to you or not?”  She asked as she slowly twisted the nipple.

“Alright.”  He said, his voice laced with desire. 

“Harder?”  She asked and he nodded.  She obliged making him wince and then grin with pleasure.  “Oh you do like a little pain don’t you?”  She asked him in a low voice and he nodded biting his bottom lip, his cock starting to throb for release already.  “Shall I keep going with this nipple, or does your other one want a little love?”

“You can do whatever you want to me Rae Earl.”  He whispered lustily.  Finn was enjoying her finding her inner dominatrix too. 

“Oh I will.”  Her answer made him desperate for her to take on this frame of mind when she wasn’t on it.  She only ever really did this stuff to him when redgate stopped them from taking full advantage of her dominance.  She ground her hips into him and kissed his neck, her fingers pulling ruthlessly at his nipple.

“Oh fuck Rae.”  Finn breathed through gritted teeth, his whole body craving her. 

There was a loud thump from the room next door that they barely noticed as Rae tickled along his chest to his other nipple.  Rae loved the way she could feel his chest rumbling with the groans she was making him do.  She took quite a bit of pleasure in the way he gasped when she squeezed his other nipple hard.

There was another loud thump form Linda and Karim’s room followed by a muffled giggle.  Rae stopped, in sudden realisation, and turned to stare at the wall that connected her room with her mother’s, her mouth open in annoyance.  Finn’s eyebrows shot up when he heard Linda’s giggle again followed by a loud gasping cry from her. 

“You have got to be fucking joking.”  Rae hissed at the wall as the sounds of Linda and Karim fucking became depressingly apparent and horrendously loud.  Finn propped himself up on his elbows, his mood completely killed, and also stared at the wall as a loud giggling followed by the rhythmic banging of the bedhead against the wall began.  He’d never had to live in a house with someone else that was having sex, and right now he was infinitely grateful for his father’s celibacy. 

“Holy fuck.”  He marvelled at the sounds coming from the other room. 

Rae got up angrily and banged on the wall loudly before turning on some music to try and drown them out.  She laid down in the bed beside Finn and they both stared at the wall, Finn with a slightly traumatised look on his face, Rae rolling her eyes and groaning in disgust.  And then suddenly Finn started laughing.

“It’s not funny!”  Rae said and started to laugh herself, “I’ve had to live with them two constantly shagging for months!”  But it was no good they were laughing loudly, unable to stop themselves. 

“Oh god.”  Finn gasped with laughter, “I hope we’re still fucking like that when we’re their age!”  He wiped his eyes and kept laughing.

“I don’t even wanna think about the way they’re fucking Finn!” 

“Got no choice!”  Finn noted that they could still hear them over the music.  They laid together laughing, still pining for each other’s bodies, but in no mood to continue with the teasing tonight.  Finn wrapped his arms around Rae as their giggles subsided. 

“How’s your first week as a second year going so far?”  He asked over the sound of the music and the raucous sex occurring in the next room. 

“Not too shabby.”  She told him with a grin.  And then Aiesha started crying downstairs.  Rae and Finn shared a look.

“I really feel sorry for your neighbours.”  Finn laughed as he jumped p and put his jeans on.  “I’ll get her.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Temptation’ by The Tea Party _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MXASwaf2ro&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MXASwaf2ro&feature=kp)

 

Chloe sat in the metal chairs along the outside of the tennis courts, waiting for Phillip to get there.  He was uncharacteristically late.  Maybe he had forgotten it because they’d changed from Saturday mornings to Wednesdays after school until winter set in; might as well make use of the warm afternoons. 

She was thinking about what Rae had said about sex, and about pleasing Rhys.  She felt rusty, out of practice.  But that wasn’t really true.  She was accustomed to letting a man gain his pleasure from her body, not to actually giving him pleasure herself.  She’d been enjoying sex being about her pleasure for the past few months, but she so wanted to do something to pleasure Rhys, and she actually had no idea how to do that.  She’d sucked cock before of course.  What girl hadn’t?  But she wanted to be amazing at it, she wanted to do that milking thing Izzy had talked about; she wanted to blow Rhys’s mind.  She’d always wanted to blow men’s minds.  But instead she’d always been a plaything for them.  She had the chance to finally get what she wanted here; to have sex on equal footing, to give him pleasure from a position of power or equality, or even agreed upon submission.  But she was less interested in the submissive side of things; she’d been forced into that role too often by men; the idea of taking it willingly wasn’t on her mind. 

She tried to deny the little well of anxiety in the pit of her stomach.  How could she ever hope to impress a man like Rhys?  With his history… his past lovers.  She tried to think of the things Rae had said, but her mind came back to the irrefutable fact that she hadn’t sucked a cock for over 10 months, and if she wanted to impress Rhys, and she did, she needed practice. 

“Well I am in an open relationship.”  She mused as she saw Phillip walking across the playing fields towards her.  “And he is very attractive.”  She bit her bottom lip, “And he needs to take his mind off Rae…”  She grinned to herself slightly as he approached.

“Sorry I’m late.”  Phillip said with a grim smile as he put his bag down.  Chloe shrugged in reply.  “Fucking car broke down.”  He laughed suddenly.  “Serves me right for not getting it serviced.”  He slipped his tracksuit pants off to reveal his tennis shorts and Rae watched his arse as he bent to shove his trackies in his bag.  He pulled out his white tennis shirt and Chloe was again graced with the vision of a topless Phil as he changed shirts. 

“Let’s sweat.”  Chloe tossed him the tube of tennis balls and he nodded perfunctorily, heading to his side of the court.  He served and Chloe gently hit it back, wanting to get some nice long rallies up; he grunted a little when he hit the ball and it was sexy. 

She watched the way his body moved as she carefully hit the ball back to him; trying to focus on two things increasing her anticipation and frustration.  After half an hour she was nicely warmed up and she feigned tiredness.

“I’m so out of practice!”  She grinned at her own double entendre.  “Summer break away from training hasn’t been good from my fitness.”  She went to the metal seat and grabbed some water, Phil joined her, leaning against the tall metal umpire chair, it was bolted into the ground, so it didn’t move as he rested against it. 

“Your form is still pretty good.”  He told her as he accepted the water bottle from her.  She bit her bottom lip and watched him drink, finishing up by pouring a bit on his head.  She stood closer to him, under the guise of taking the water bottle back, her mind going over all the ways she could begin this thing. 

“Did you end up going out with Andrea?”  Chloe asked as if she were just politely interested. 

“No she not that kind o’ girl.”  Phillip grinned, “She were just after…”  He stopped and chuckled lightly, “she used me for sex.”  He shook his head slightly.

“Did you really mind?”  Chloe asked with a grin. 

“Actually no.”  Phillip laughed, “Which kinda surprises me.” 

“Cos you’re all noble right?”  She teased.

“Ah I don’t know about that.”  He shrugged, “I think… before Andrea I had this idea that sex could only be with someone you loved.  But Andrea taught me that you could have sex for just fun, and that’s alright, if everyone knows what the deal is.” 

“Everyone?”  Chloe asked with a surprised face and Phil blushed.

“Alright… she may have had a mate…” Phil looked down and shook his head, “Renee.”

“You had a fucking threesome?”  Chloe asked surprised and Phil nodded his head slowly.

“And she had another mate named Flo.”  Phillip bit his bottom lip, “I sound like a total slut don’t I?”

“Yes.”  Chloe laughed and he shrugged. 

“I had a summer of… unexpected events.”  He said with a grin. 

“Bet you learned a lot.”  Chloe said in real surprise.

“Oh my god yes!”  He chuckled.  “Andrea was a generous teacher.” 

“Oh right and what were Rene and Flo then?”

“Well according to Andrea, they were part o’ the lesson.”  He said with a wry grin.  “And Flo was a very forceful part o’ the lesson!”  He reminisced with a grin. 

“So I suppose you know everything now?”

“Fuck no.”  Phillip shook his head, “if anything I know now just how much you can learn about sex and women’s bodies… I got a long way to go.” 

“But you’re not a virgin anymore.”  Chloe asked astutely and Phil gave her a slight grin.

“No.”  He acknowledged.  “Not anymore.”

“I’m glad.”  Chloe said; it made what she wanted to do that much easier. 

“Oh yeah?”  Phillip asked surprised, “Why would you care?”

“Cos I wanna use you too.”  She leaned against him and kissed his lips roughly, Phil returning the kiss, even though he was obviously surprised.  When she stopped he looked down at her, desire and shock in his eyes.  Chloe rubbed the bulge forming in his pants and his mouth opened slightly with pleasure.

“Chloe?”  He asked, his brows furrowing, “What about Rhys?”

“You let me worry about him.”  She said, not interested in explaining her relationship to anyone. 

“It wouldn’t be right, you’re me mate.”  He mumbled through her kiss.  But again he returned it, this time with less surprise and more desire. 

“And we’ll still be mates after this.”  She told him firmly as she slid to her knees, her fingers pulling at the elastic waist of his tennis shorts.  His eyes shot up to look out over the empty playing fields before looking down at Chloe carefully, almost tentatively pulling his cock out of his pants.  He watched her bite her bottom lip, as if hesitating before gently taking him into her mouth.  He groaned and rolled his head back as she started to move her hand up and down his shaft, her mouth and tongue working over the head in unison.  He groaned deeply when her other hand cupped his balls and gently squeezed them.  Chloe thought carefully about what she was doing, making note of all the things that seemed to make Phil groan louder.  She looked up at him and his eyes were closed, even though his face was looking down at her.  She stopped and he opened his eyes. 

“Do you wish I was Rae?”  She asked him, her lips still on his cock. 

“No.”  He answered, his eyes not quite meeting hers.

“Liar.”  She said with a grin.  She didn’t care that he didn’t want her like he wanted Rae; she had Rhys.  Phil’s head rolled back and he sighed. 

“You’re right.”  He answered breathlessly as she started to suck his cock again.  “I wish your blond hair was her dark hair.”  He said through gritted teeth, “And I wish your blue eyes were her brown eyes.”  Chloe groaned slightly as she took him into her mouth deeper and he groaned in response, “I wish your slim figure was her fuller figure.” 

“Well close your eyes and think o’ her then.”  She told him and kept sucking him, growing more confident of her technique. 

“I can’t do it Chloe.”  He put his hands on her chin to try and still her.  “It’s not right.”  He shook his head.

“I know what you want.”  She said, “And I really don’t care.”  She was surprised by how much she didn’t care.  It was so freeing to be simply using this gorgeous man for her own gains.  Maybe she’d make him make her cum too?  “Now do you wanna keep going or not?”  She licked the head of his cock gently, just once, as he saw a thousand thoughts going through his mind; his worried fighting with his desire.

“And it won’t change our friendship?”  He asked and bit his bottom lip.

“Not one bit.”  She smiled.

“And Rhys?”

“My concern, not yours.”  She said reassuringly. 

“Alright.”  He nodded his head slowly, and Chloe took as much of him into her throat as she could, eliciting a throaty groan from Phillip. 

“Now close your eyes and think about Rae.”  Chloe teased.  He sneered slightly in surprise at her and shook his head but she chuckled as he closed his eyes and let his head drop back.  Chloe, stroked his cock and licked his balls gently, not sure exactly what to do here, but his moans made her braver and she sucked one into her mouth gently.  She moved her mouth around it carefully, listening closely to his responses, and took the other one into her mouth to do the same, before trying to deep throat him again.  She couldn’t get all of him in and knew she’d have to do better if she was gonna impress Rhys, so she kept trying, taking deep breaths, trying to loosen up her throat, trying to mentally overcome her gag reflex, her fingers gently massaged his balls while her mouth moved up and down his shaft.  She noticed him looking down at her now.

“You don’t have to look at me.”  Chloe told him; this was more for her than him in her mind, so she didn’t need an audience. 

“I want to.”  He said softly, “I don’t wanna be thinking about someone else when I’m here with you.  You’re an incredible woman and you deserve my attention.” 

“Please yourself.”  She said indifferently.   And he shook his head.

“Let me please you.”  He motioned for her to get up and she licked his cock again.  “Let’s fuck.”  He said and Chloe groaned and stood up to kiss him, but he spun her round and, with very controlled movement, very gently pushed her into the umpire’s chair.  His hand lifted her skirt and found the top of her underwear slipping beneath them over her arse.  She bent forward, giving him better access, as his fingers slid between her cheeks and gently slipped into her cunt.  She groaned as he fingered her, letting his middle finger slide out the front to find her clitoris, leaving just the one finger inside of her.  She didn’t know exactly what he was doing, but it was so good she felt her knees weakening with pleasure.  He pressed his chest to her back, his mouth finding the back of her neck, sending shivers down her spine.

“Andrea did a good job.”  She groaned.

“Oh I know.”  He whispered into her ear.  Andrea had taught him that most women had two or even three ‘sweet spots’ inside of their vaginas.  She had told him the one on the ‘back wall,’ the so-called ‘a-spot’ was rarely stimulated by men.  She taught him what to do.  He had memorised every last word. 

Chloe came with a shuddering gasp, Phillip holding her up as her legs shook. 

“We’re not fucking without a condom.”  Chloe gasped through the end of her orgasm; she wanted to fuck, but she had no intention of going near anyone without a condom.  Other than Rhys of course. 

“You got a condom?”  He asked her as he pulled her underwear down and rubbed his cock along her crack.  He hadn’t thought he’d need to bring one to tennis practice. 

“No.”  She answered still shaking internally.  He groaned in frustration and took a step back.

“Fuck.”  He sighed with frustration.  But Chloe dropped to her knees again.

“Next time.”  She told him with a grin and engulfed his cock.  He groaned and nodded in agreement, his eyes closing again momentarily before he looked down at her, his eyes locking with hers. 

“Where do you want me to cum?”  He asked her, not close to coming yet, but wanting to know before he got there.  Chloe considered this.  She’d always disliked the fact that men came in her mouth.  They never even fucking asked.  But Phillip did.  And she knew she wanted to swallow for Rhys; all of Rae’s talk about what it did to Finn made her determined to do that for him. 

“Mouth.”  She answered firmly.  He groaned appreciatively and gently put his hands in her hair.  Chloe went back to the hand and mouth combination, slowly increasing how deep she took him into her throat until she dropped her hand all together and managed to get him all the way down a few times as she increased her speed. 

“I’m close.”  He groaned after a while and Chloe groaned in response.  She felt his fingers tightening in her hair as she felt his warm cum shoot into her mouth.  She closed her mouth around him tightly so none would spill on her clothes, and tried to keep sucking, having read that men preferred it if they still had stimulation when they were coming.  He moaned loudly, in time to the spurts and then slowly, carefully, disentangled his fingers from her hair as he gasped in the afterglow of orgasm.  Chloe kept her lips tight around his cock and slowly sucked as he withdrew.  She knelt, her lips pressed together and willed herself to swallow, but every time she even thought about it she felt like she might heave.  Phil shoved his cock back in his pants and pulled his other t-shirt out of his bag.

“Wanna spit into that?”  He asked her, seeing that he was struggling and clearly didn’t want to just spit it out onto the floor.  But she shook her head and held up her hand for him to just shut up and wait.  He bit his tongue and sat down on the metal chair, his eyes on her, worried.  She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths through her nose, the smell of cum making it hard to calm her mind; she imagined that she’d just finally blown Rhys, that he’d cum in her mouth and now she wanted to gift him with this action and then she slowly swallowed.  Philip had already seen two girls swallow his load so it wasn’t such a big deal for him as it had been for Finn, but he still found himself grinning that she’d done it.  Andrea and Flo had even swapped his cum in a messy kiss that had both fascinated him and disgusted him in equal measures.  Renee though had gagged when she’d tried and heaved violently as she spat it out.  So he was acutely aware that not every girl was into doing that and appreciated it when Chloe did it.  He held out the water bottle to her without a word and she took it, without looking at him, needing to keep the image of Rhys in her mind to make the cum sit in her stomach.  She took a sip and slowly stood up, brushing the dirt from her knees.

“Thanks.”  She told him after a moment and sat down beside him, “I needed that.”  She looked up at him with a grin and he cocked an eyebrow at her.

“You needed that?” 

“I really wanna impress Rhys when I go down on him, but it’s been so long since I last did it, I were worried I forgot how to.”  She said with a shrug and Phillip nodded. 

“Well you definitely haven’t, I can assure you.”  He told her with a grin, “And of all the favours I’m willing to do for a mate, that’s one of the better ones.”  He lowered his eyes in confused thought about Rhys and Chloe’s relationship.  “I owe now you though.”

“Owe me?”

“Some oral.”  He grinned and she chuckled.

“Oh you believe in tit for tat huh?”  She asked teasingly and he nodded.

“I do with oral.”  He answered seriously.  “Apparently guys don’t go down on girls that much.”  He said thinking of what Andrea had told him when she’d been so delighted that he loved doing it, “I don’t know what their fucking problem is though.  I love it.”  She grinned at him and shook her head.

“Most guys I’ve fucked haven’t gone down on me.”  She told him, “Rhys does pretty much every time.  The only time he didn’t we was in the car… there was no way we could make it happen in there!” 

“I think being able to go down on a woman is a fucking gift to a man.”  Phil said, “Making her scream and shake like that… it’s the biggest ego boost you can ever get.”  He grinned, “Plus it’s so good to do something just for her.” 

“You ate a lot o’ pussy in the last three weeks o’ the summer holidays didn’t you?”  She asked with a surprised grin and he nodded.

“Every fucking day.”  He told her, “I really miss it actually.” 

“Well you got plenty o’ girls at school who want a piece of the Phil pie.”  Chloe told him and took another sip of water.

“Yeah I have started to notice that.”  He answered almost glumly.

“But you just want the one right?”  She asked with a wry grin and he nodded slowly, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking out at the tennis court. 

“I do love her.”  He said sadly.

“But it’s changed a bit.”  Chloe noted.  “Hasn’t it?”

“I used to have hope Chlo.”  Phil said sadly, “I don’t anymore.”  He lowered his eyes, “I know she don’t want me.  But I keep seeing affection in some small things that she does.  And I just know if she’d met me first…”  He looked further out, across the playing fields, “But he’s got her.  She loves him.”  He shook his head, “And I can’t make myself stop loving her.” 

“No matter how many girls you fuck hey?”

“It’s only three.”  He told her.  “Not like I been on a sexual rampage or something.”  He laughed. 

“I think you can count it as four now.”

“We didn’t fuck.”

“Oral sex is still sex Phil.”  Chloe told him, “And you had your fingers inside o’ me…”  She shrugged, “I call it four.”

“You know Chlo, if I can’t get over her, when there’s someone like you around to fall in love with… how will I ever get over her?”  He shook his head sadly.  He knew that in the month before the summer holidays there had been a chance for them to start a relationship; he’d wished he could fall for her.  And he knew with equal certainty now that there was now no hope of them ever having a relationship.  Other than the good friendship they had.

“Maybe you never will.”  She said and put an arm around his waist.  “Although I used to think and feel this way about Finn.”  She said, “And then I met Rhys.”  She told him reassuringly. “And I love him so much I almost scoff at what I thought was my love for Finn.” 

“Why would you do this with me if you love Rhys?”  He asked, his face searching hers but she just grinned and shrugged.

“I dunno.”  She told him, “Cos I wanted to.”  He furrowed his brows, “And Rhys and I…” She tried to find the right words, “our relationship is different.” 

“Does he make you happy?”  Phil asked her genuinely.

“Yeah.”

“Then he’s perfect for you.”  He said, clearly glad that his friend was happy, “So does that mean we might actually…”

“Fuck again?”  Chloe asked him and he nodded slowly, “Yeah, if I feel like it.”  He furrowed his brows again, clearly not sure how to take that.  “I take it you don’t want Rae to know then?”  She saw his furrowed brow.

“I would think you don’t want anyone to know…?”  He asked confused.

“I don’t really care.”  Chloe grinned.

“Well… I’d prefer if we kept it on the down low if that’s ok with you?” 

“Fine.”  She shrugged. 

“It’s not just Rae.”  He shook his head, “I can’t imagine Rhys being ok with this.”

“He’ll be fine.”  Chloe reassured him.  “I told you, we’re different.” 

“And you’re happy… And he’s happy?”  He asked slowly. 

“I know I am!  And I think he is, yeah.”  She rested her head on his shoulder.  “And he’s so perfect.”  Phillip saw some people kicking a ball around on the grass and hoped they had arrived after he’d gotten his cock back in his pants. 

“Alright.”  He sighed after a long moment of silent reflection, “Well Chloe, I’m not gonna lie, you are beautiful and I quite like you.  So I’m not gonna say no to a little fooling around if you want to and it won’t fuck up our friendship or your relationship with Rhys.”  He answered, clearly having made up his mind on this topic, “But not during tennis practice!”  He finished seriously and she burst out laughing. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Captain (Million Miles an Hour)’ by Something For Kate _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NngZZmqD4MY&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NngZZmqD4MY&feature=kp)

 

Finn had decided to take PE again and had far less free periods than Rae, which was bothersome, but it did mean that she could sit and watch them play games in the future.  Today though she headed into the library to start on her first English assignment; children’s literature.  There was a question about picking an older novel and comparing it to a contemporary one.  Rae was going to pick _‘The Hobbit’_ an old childhood favourite of hers, and compare it to this new book she’d seen recently called Harry Potter or something; she didn’t remember the full name, it was kind of long.  She only hoped it was a good book _._  Mrs Vines had called this a nice easy topic to kick off the year, and they only had a month with it. 

She also needed to start thinking what she was going to plan for Chloe’s 18th birthday on the 1st of October.  It was earlier September; it didn’t give her a whole lot of time to organise something amazing. 

Rae walked through the stacks and looked for books about the importance and impact of childhood literature.  The stacks here were close to a bunch of tables that were mostly empty except for a bunch of first year girls sitting jabbering away with only the most minimum attempt at being quiet.  Rae tried to ignore the sound they were making.  She was skim reading through a book discussing the importance of stories to children’s development, seeing if it would be any use to her assignment, when she heard something that made her ears prick up. 

“His last name is Nelson.”  One of the girls said.

“Did you see Chloe Harris hacking on Kirstie Peterson over him?”  Rae peeked through the stacks to see a group of five girls talking, at a table nearby a slightly chubby girl sat reading Shakespeare alone.  Rae recognised her as the girl who had shown up to her live modelling art class last year.  She vaguely remembered that her name was Bethany.  Thankfully Bethany had never told anyone about that class, and if Philip had been there he’d never said anything either.  Mike had only said a few choice words to her and Finn; he’d been quite funny about it actually.  She missed hot Mike, and still hadn’t seen hot Bryn yet; she just hoped he had his older brother’s sense of humour.  

“No!”  Said the shortest of the girls, “what happened?”

“Chloe threatened to kill her if she came near Finn again.  Apparently Finn is dating some right proper minger called Rae Earl.”  Rae rolled her eyes and the girls all made disbelieving noises.

“As if he’s going out with an ugly girl.”

“No he is, I’ve seen them kissing.”  More noises of disbelief, “She’s Chloe’s best mate.”

“Well Chloe must know a minger could never keep the likes of Finn Nelson, so she’s keeping all the other girls away.  The minute he’s sees a proper girl he’ll have her.” 

“I heard he was fucking Chloe too.  Like threesomes.”

“No way!”  The girls giggled.

“Why else would you go out with an ugly girl?”

“She’s fat as well.”  Rae closed the book she was holding and noticed Bethany giving the girls an annoyed look.  “I heard he keeps her around cos she’s hard as fuck and she keeps all the other mingers away, freeing him up to go after the quality girls.” 

“No, don’t you know; fat girls are the best at sucking cock.”  It was the shorter girl again, “My brother said it’s cos they like to have things in their mouths so much, and his best mate fucks a fat girl in secret.  He said she could suck the colour out of a marble.” 

“I heard he’s a faggot like his best mate and they fuck each other, and the fat bitch is just to hide it.” 

“Who’s his best mate?”

“Some guy that graduated last year.”  Rae tuned them out and successfully focussed on the book in her hand. 

“So he’ll be on the lookout for another guy if he’s gay.  Or for a good looking girl if he’s not?”  Asked a particularly pretty brunette with a grin that made it clear she thought she could get Finn if he was straight. 

“He’s so good looking Stacey, I bet you could get him.”  One of the other girls told the brunette.  “Fittest lad in school.”

“What about that Phillip?”  Another one asked, “Second fittest, I heard he’s got a big dick and big house.”  Rae shook her head.  She could imagine how both of those lads would take this conversation.  “And he’s single.” 

“Bryn’s single too.”  Stacey said, “So’s Kurt.”  Rae looked back down at the book, picking up where she’s left off.  “D’you really think I could get Finn?”

“For sure.”  The girls all agreed.

“He’ll be glad to get a real girl on his arm.” 

“Yeah the girl I saw him kissing was so ugly I don’t know how he didn’t vom everywhere.” They giggled and Rae sighed, trying to focus. 

“Shut the fuck up.”  The aggressiveness of the voice made Rae look up to see Bethany looking over at them.  “Rae’s a fucking babe, alright?”  She told them, “Like a full out, old school, pinup babe.  She makes all you stupid girls look like the stringy shit a mange-infested dog with worms shits out.  None o’ you o’ got a chance with the likes of Finn Nelson.  He only likes women o’ substance.”  Rae raised her eyebrows surprised at what Bethany had said.

“Are you a fucking dyke?”

“You like her so much…”  Rae had never heard first years be so aggressive towards second years, but she supposed it was a numbers game, there were five of them and only one Bethany.  Rae stepped out from behind the stacks and cleared her throat so they’d turn to look at her.  The girl who claimed to have seen her and Finn kissing looked horrified to see her there and shrunk into her chair the others looked at her blankly. 

“Hi.”  She said politely, “I’m Rae.”  And just to make sure they knew who she was, “As in the girl you just been… talking about… Finn’s girlfriend.”  They were all looking horrified, except for Stacey who was looking her up and down unimpressed.  “How are you lovely ladies today?”  She asked with a sweet smile. 

“Why would Finn be with you?”  Stacey asked her.

“You’d have to ask him that yourself.”  Rae answered disinterestedly. 

“I might just do that.”  She said suggestively. 

“Please do.”  Rae said, “Go now.”  She told them, “He’s in PE, I’m sure he’d love some spectators.”  Rae made a mental note to apologise to Finn later, because she suspected that Stacey really would go to the fields.  She knew the other girls wouldn’t be going anywhere near Finn; they were too shy.  “Piss off then.”   She said and most of the girls started to move, but Stacey looked at her sullenly.

“We was here first.”

“Fuck off.”  Bethany stood up and Stacey rolled her eyes and picked up her bag, motioning for the girls to follow her. 

“What’s your name?”  Rae called after her and Stacey turned around to glare at her.

“Stacey Miller.”  She looked Rae up and down, “You should memorise the name of the girl that’s gonna be dating Finn Nelson before the end o’ next week.”  Rae rolled her eyes; another fucking Stacey.

“Yeah good luck with that.”  Rae answered in a voice that indicated how unlikely she thought that’d be, Bethany noticed Rae’s fingers go to the necklace around her neck as she spoke.  They watched the girls leave and Rae turned to Bethany.

“Hey thanks for that.”  Bethany grinned and shrugged.

“It’s no big deal.”

“Well I’ll see you around.”  Rae decided to head out to the PE class to watch Finn after all.

“Hey I just wanted to say that you was real brave to do that art class, and I think you’re real beautiful.”  Rae blushed.

“Thanks… I did it as a favour to Janice… she’s me mate.”

“She’s picked up the classes again, will you come back and do it again?”

“No, I don’t think so.”  Rae chuckled, “Once were enough!”  Bethany nodded and looked down.

“I was thinking that maybe I’d do it.”  She said softly, “You kinda inspired me to… think about it.” 

“Well if you want to do it, you should do it.”  Rae told her firmly, “It’s not as hard you think it’ll be.  I mean it’s terrifying, but when you’re doing it, it’s fine.”  Bethany looked at her thankfully.

“Thank you Rae.”  Rae felt like Bethany was looking at her the way she herself looked at Elsa; with admiration.  

“My Pleasure Bethany.  And if you need anything, you know where to find me right?”  She nodded in reply and Rae gave her a wave goodbye before heading out of library feeling buoyed and empowering. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Fuel My Fire’ by L7 _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs1gRChzZKc&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs1gRChzZKc&feature=kp)

 

Finn pulled on his shoes and laced them tightly, Macca came and sat beside him.

“Knew I’d see you here Nelson.”  He grinned and Finn nodded with a chuckle.

“Another run at AFL.”  Finn agreed. 

“Probably won’t bother doing any o’ the written work.”  Macca shrugged and Finn nodded.

“I got too many other things to do to bother with that shit.”  He agreed, “You getting the regional football team playing again?”  He asked, wanting to take up football outside of school again. 

“Yeah Chop asked about that too.  Probably will.  Tuesday arvos sound good to you?”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed, “And Archie?”

“He’ll be welcome o’ course.”  Macca answered with downturned eyes, “I’m sorry about all that shit, I feel like a right twat.” 

“Save it for Archie.”  Finn answered.

“I wish he were still here.”  Macca said, “I miss that fucking geek.”  Finn gave an appreciative chuckle.

“Aye, me too.” 

“Now we gotta handle the bunch o’ fucking first years we ragged on last year.”

“We’re not first years anymore!”  Kurt answered with a grin.  “We all got a whole new lot of first years to rip apart.” 

“’Ere, did you hear that they’re thinking o’ making us play with the girls all the time, even in the team events.”  Rick piped up, “That’s a shite idea; we won’t be able to belt each other.”

“I don’t mind playin’ with the girls sometimes.”  Finn shrugged.

“I bet.”  Bradley joked and Finn gave him a dirty look. 

“Yeah but not all the time.”  Sam put in, “it’s worth having ‘em around sometimes.”

“Better not be around in the fucking AFL match.”  Rick said with a grim face.  Phil walked into the change room and started to get changed. 

“Oi Seymour.”  Rick said, “Why the fuck are you late?” 

“You’re normally the first one to everything.”  Kurt agreed.

“Still in summer holiday mode.”  He answered a little grumpily. 

“Coach made you captain o’ the football team.”  Rick added.  “Even though you was late, and Macca’s usually the captain of everything.”  Phil looked over at Macca.

“Sorry mate.”

“I don’t care.”  Macca replied, “It’s me third time around; I was captain in first and second year, gotta let someone else have a go.” 

“Why the fuck did he make me captain?”  Phil asked shaking his head in surprise. 

“You gotta be good at giving directions and orders.”  Macca told him.

 **“** Aye, but Jill here couldn’t direct a turd down a toilet.”  Finn quipped and got a good chuckle out of the lads

“You know you’re right Bryn-lee, I must be doing something wrong, cos no matter how many times I flush, I just can’t seem to get rid o’ you.”  This was greeted with chuckles and jeers; the lads hadn’t forgotten last year’s AFL match and the sledging between Phil and Finn then.  Finn smiled with a broad bemused grin.

“Listen to this little Bambi with testosterone go.”  He laughed, “Poor little puppy.” 

“Alright you two, we’re on the same side now.”  Macca said softly, “And our team needs to be united if we’re gonna kill the first years.” 

“I’m gonna tell coach that you should be the captain again.”  Phil told Macca, and Finn nodded in agreement holding his hand out to Phil. 

“You’re a wanker but we’re on the same team.”  Finn said and Phil looked down at his hand. 

“Aren’t you as charming as always?”  Phil asked, “As charming as finding a severed hand in your loaf of bread.”  He took Finn’s hand and they shook.

“Let’s not make a habit o’ this.”  Finn said.

“Fuck no.”  Phil agreed and took his shirt off.  Macca looked around at the lads as they started chatting about the summer break and girls and football stars. 

“Hey Finn.”  Finn looked over at Macca.  “Can I ask you something?”  Finn nodded and Macca scooted closer, wanting privacy, “How did you know you liked Rae?” 

“I dunno.”  Finn gave him a confused look, “How d’you know you like any girl?”

“Yeah but Rae’s different.”  Macca furrowed his brow.

“Different how?” 

“I dunno.”  Macca shrugged, “She not like other girls.”  Finn looked up and saw Phillip looking over.  Phil had heard Rae’s name and his ears had pricked up. 

“No girl you like seems to be like the other girls though.”  Finn responded hoping that this wasn’t what it seemed like. 

“Yeah but…”  Macca paused, “You know, guys kinda all like the same sort o’ girl and she’s…” He looked away and Finn saw Phillip roll his eyes and also look away.  For a moment Finn felt acutely connected with Phil; they had both seen beyond the stereotype of beauty that was presented to them as young men.  All these other lads were still only looking for the same type of girl; at least in terms of appearance. 

“I think that maybe I might like this girl.”  Macca said softly, “But… But she’s not like other girls.”

“So?”  Finn asked.

“She’s…” Macca stopped, “She looks different.”  He finished the sentence with an awkward, tight-lipped grin. “You know what I mean?”  Finn saw Phil shaking his head now, and felt like he could almost like Phillip, if only he wasn’t such a prat. 

“Do you like the way she looks?”  Finn asked simply.  And Macca furrowed his brow.

“Well… I’m not sure it matters.”  He said slowly, “I like her quite a bit, she real good to talk to and… I like her cynicism.”  He chuckled with appreciation.  “At first I thought she weren’t all that good looking.  But she were at this party I were at, and we just got to talking and…” He shrugged, “I think she’s real pretty now.” 

“And?”  Finn asked confused as to why Macca had to talk to him about it.

“The lads’ll give me shit about her.”  He said glumly. 

“So?”  Finn was completely unsympathetic. 

“I just wanna know for sure that I like her before I go through all o’ that.”  He said, “Is it just that I can talk to her better than anyone… or do I really like her like that?” 

“Probably both.”  Phillip answered unimpressed and walked off, his shoes hung over his shoulder by the shoelaces.  Finn shrugged.

“One o’ the few times I can say I agree with Dillip.”  He told Macca. 

“How did you do it?”  Macca said, “no one gave you crap about Rae.”

“Aye they fucking did.”  Finn told him, “They still do.  Complete strangers do.”  Finn stood up and stretched, “I just don’t give a fuck.”  He said firmly, “My happiness and her happiness are far more important than some shite a couple o’ pillocks say.”  Finn grabbed his bottle of water, “Rae is stunningly beautiful and incredible in every way.  People who can’t see that are fucked up.  Not me, and definitely not her.” 

“Yeah.”  Macca said softly as he stood up.  “But I…” Finn watched him thinking about what to say carefully, “I can’t see why she’d wanna go out with me.”  He finished softly and Finn had to stop himself from scoffing. 

“Just ask her Macca.”  Finn advised, “And let her worry about what she does or doesn’t see in you.” 

They headed out onto the field to play a game of football against the first years.  Phil was talking to the coach and he heard a familiar voice give a cheer and turned to see Rae sitting on the benches with a girl he wasn’t sure if he knew or not.  He also noticed a large number of first year girls on the benches apparently watching him closely, and cocked an eyebrow as he approached Rae, Macca in tow. 

“Hey beautiful girl.”  Finn said and put his arms around her waist, giving her a slow, deep kiss.  The sounds from the audience of first year girls was filled with obvious dismay and confusion.  Macca looked at Bethany, who had decided to come with Rae and caught up with her just after she’d left the library. 

“Hi.”  He said awkwardly and Beth grinned.

“How you going Andrew?”  She asked and he shrugged.

“As good as I can be, being back here.”  He answered, “I could’ve handled another couple o’ weeks o’ holidays.”

“Definitely.”  She agreed, “We could o’ gotten to know each other better.”  She smiled sadly. 

“Well we go to the same school.”  Macca said hopefully and Finn, who had just stopped kissing Rae turned his face to look at Macca.  He was looking wistfully at Bethany and Finn had to stop himself from shaking his head; as he’d suspected, Macca liked a big girl.  Finn turned back to Rae and stroked her hair, a big happy grin on his face as he took her face in.  She always gave him time to silently look at her for a moment before starting to talk; he seemed to appreciate that. 

“I understand you got a reputation to keep Maccca!”  Bethany chuckled, “I know how these things work.”

“Yeah well… fuck that.”  Macca answered with a shrug and she chuckled nervously in response.  The coach blew his whistle and Finn looked back to Macca.

“Gotta go kick some arse.”  Finn told him and turned back to Rae, giving her another kiss before sprinting off.  Rae waited for Finn and Macca to be out of earshot before she turned to Bethany.

“You like Andrew McAdams.”  Bethany blushed and shrugged.

“I dunno.”  She looked away.  “He’s just not as shallow as everyone thinks he is.”  Rae had to stop herself from laughing; Bethany sounded like she had just over a year ago. 

“Oh aye, I bet.”  Rae managed to say with a relatively straight face. 

“So it’s true.”  They heard from behind them, “He does kiss a fat-arse like you.”  Rae turned to see a completely new first year girl standing behind them, arms crossed angrily.  Further afield, she could see Kirstie and Stacey watching Finn on the field closely.  “I heard your nickname last year was Blue?”  She added nastily.

“Aye that’s me.”  Rae answered, “Blue whale.”  Rae turned around and watched Finn warming up with the other second years, a bunch of determined looking first years on the other side of the field were also warming up.  She was slightly disappointed that they were playing just normal football.  She did enjoy how talented Finn was at this game; but the yellow and red cards did put quite a dampener on the homoerotic violence that accompanied her favourite game that she’d seen Finn play, AFL. 

“He could do so much better than you.”  The girl said to her and Rae sighed.

“You’ll have to take that up with him.”  Rae responded without turning back to her, “cos that’s his choice innit?”  Bethany looked back at the girl as she went back to her friends and they spoke loudly about how fat and ugly Rae was, picking at every little thing that was wrong with her and why she wasn’t good enough for Finn. 

“They’re just jealous.”  Bethany said and Rae shrugged.

“I don’t care what they are.”  Rae kept her eyes on Finn.

“How do you handle all their shit?”  Rae turned her eye to Bethany.

“Sometimes I can’t.”  Rae said honestly, “But sometimes I just understand that their opinion of me is not a reflection of who I actually am.”  Rae looked back at them, “It’s a reflection on their own opinions of themselves and their self-doubt.”  She looked back at Bethany, “They pick on what’s different about me because whenever someone is different in anyway, it makes a person wonder if their life and their choices have somehow been less valid, because someone else did it differently, or is different.” 

“Wow.”  Bethany said, “You understand just how fucked up people are huh?”  She laughed and Rae considered that.

“I hadn’t thought if it that way.”  Rae chuckled, “But I guess so.”

“I wonder what happened to this fucking world that we all gotta be so freaked out by a fat girl getting laid.”  Bethany said with a cynic air that Rae liked. 

“Everyone is so hyper about the whole subject of sex anyway.”  Rae replied, “I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that people are so outraged that I’m getting some.” 

“Lucky you.”  Bethany sighed and Rae looked back at Macca.

“I don’t think it’ll take you too long to get in those pants.”  Bethany laughed loudly and Rae joined in.

“Even her laugh sounds fat!”  They heard from behind them. 

“How can a laugh sound fat?”  Rae kept laughing, Bethany giggling happily beside her. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Popular’ by Nada Surf _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNc45FTenhg&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNc45FTenhg&feature=kp)

 

“Have you seen?”  Chloe asked tentatively as she met Rae and Finn in the line to the canteen. 

“Seen what?”  Rae asked. 

“You’d know if you’d seen.”  Chloe answered vaguely. 

“Great.”  Rae replied. 

“Hey Tits McGee!”  A guy Rae had never seen before gave her the thumbs up and Rae furrowed her brows. 

“Isn’t that what Mike called you?”  Finn asked with a disgusted face.

“It’s what Bryn is calling her too now.”  Chloe told them gingerly, “And it’s catching on.” 

“Hey can I cut in Tits McGee, I gotta go to detention at lunch time and I just wanna get something quick.”  Sam asked with a grin and Rae raised her eyebrows at him.

“What did you call me?”  She asked with a stern, unimpressed expression and his grin fell.

“Tits McGee?”  He asked shyly, “It’s your new nickname.”

“No my nickname is blue.”  Rae replied, almost liking blue in comparison.

“Not anymore.”  Sam said, “Bryn said Mike called you Tit McGee and all the lads agreed.  But some o’ them said to call you TM in front o’ you or Finn.  So that Finn don’t beat ‘em up, but I know Finn wouldn’t do that.”

“You’re wrong.”  Finn said icily and Sam gave a slightly afraid look and decided to tell them the rest of it to try and appease Finn’s angry glare.

“And then Bradley said TM sound like trademark and you’re fucking original so you could be called Trademark too… But all us lads’d know it means Tits McGee.”  Rae turned to Chloe.

“What do I need to see?” 

 

 

Chloe led them into the largest hallway of the main building; all the notices were put up on the boards along these walls, and right in the middle of them all was at least 100 photos of the summer ball.  Rae’s jaw dropped as she saw how many of them were of her.  The first photo she saw was of her alone, standing front on to the camera with an enigmatic smile, similar to what she’d seen on Elsa’s face; that smile made the Mona Lisa’s smile look easy to interpret.  Rae’s eyes dropped to her breasts in the dress Izzy had made her. 

“Holy shit.”  She whispered; you could see so much of her breasts in the photo. 

“Oh fuck.”  Finn groaned as he pointed out a photo of her looking at the camera, her body turned slightly to Finn, you could almost see her nipple in the picture and Finn, his hand on her waist, was looking directly at her breasts with a happy, lusty grin.  Rae felt herself blushing as she saw a picture of Chop and Mike looking at her breasts.  But there was one of her and Phil dancing, and they were looking into each other’s eyes, smiling, obviously mid conversation.  She looked at that photo for a moment and sighed, wondering what Finn would think.  In every photo she was in there was someone looking at her breasts, except for the photo she was alone in, and the one with Phil.  Even in a similar photo of her and Finn dancing, both of them staring lovingly into each other’s eyes, there was Stacey and her date in the background, both staring at her breasts.  There were pictures of her chatting, and someone, somewhere in the photo, sometimes the person she was talking to, would be looking at her tits. 

“20 of the 100 photos have you in them Rae.”  Chloe said softly.  “I only made it into 16, and I’m supposedly the most popular girl in school this year.” 

“I guess you’re popular too now.”  Finn said to Rae and she shook her head.

“I’m not popular.”  She said looking over the photos again, “Me tits are.” 

“Hey trademark.”  Rick said as he approached, “Nelson… Chloe.”  He lowered his eyes when saying Chloe’s name as if she were royalty.

“Hi Rick.  My name’s Rae.”  She told him firmly, and he grinned, making it perfectly clear that her name was Tits McGee to him now.  He started to talk to Finn about football for a few minutes, Finn answering in hostile monosyllabic almost grunts. 

“Is everyone calling her Tits McGee?”  Finn asked Chloe after Rick left a few minutes later. 

“Like 90% of the guys are.”  Chloe said, “And about 89% of the girls are still calling her blue.” 

“Un-fucking-believable.”  Rae marvelled unhappily.  “I’m fat to the girls and a set o’ tits to the boys.”  She shook her head. 

“No.”  Chloe told Rae, “The girls are jealous o’ you and the boys are jealous o’ Finn.”  She corrected. 

“Cos I got Finn.”  Rae said, they’re not jealous of me, they’re jealous o’ me relationship.”  Chloe opened her mouth to reply but stopped when she saw Lois and Amy approaching. 

“Hey Chlo.”  Lois said softly, “We was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime?”

“I got my mates.”  Chloe nodded towards Rae and Finn.

“Well maybe we could hang out with you sometime?”  Lois tried and Chloe scrunched up her nose and turned to Rae.

“How d’you feel about hanging out with the girl who outed Archie to the whole school and the girl who hit me, tried to bash you and spent last year slagging us off with Stacey?”  Chloe asked as she looked back at Amy. 

“Your call Chlo, you’re the popular one.”  Rae shrugged.  And Chloe turned back to Lois and Amy as if she were really considering Rae’s words. 

“Well me best mate says it’s my call.”  Chloe said slowly.

“I’m sorry about Archie, but you have to admit it weren’t fair what he did to me.”  Lois said desperately but Amy pulled her arm.

“Let’s just go.”  She said, “Queen C don’t want our friendship.”  She finished almost sarcastically.  They walked off grumpily and Chloe watched them disinterestedly. 

“Queen C?”  Rae asked.

“Like Queen Cunt?”  Finn said with a scrunched up nose.

“Like Queen Chloe, you fucking twat.”  Chloe replied and Finn pulled an apologetic face. 

“Sorry.”  He said and looked back up at the photos.  “We should take ‘em down.”  He said but Rae shrugged.

“I don’t care that much.”  She said, “I would o’ died last year if something like this had happened.”

“This time last year, if I’d been this popular I would have died with happiness.”  Chloe agreed, “A lot changes in a year.”  She put an arm around Rae shoulders, “Cos now I really could not care less.” 

“Hey Chloe.”  A first year lad approached and Chloe looked at him as he fidgeted with his own fingers slightly, “I was wondering if you got any plans for Friday night.” 

“Why?”  She answered and he blushed slightly. 

“Cos I thought, maybe… you might wanna catch a movie with me?”

“I don’t even know your name.”

“Oh Sorry.”  He stammered, “I’m Stephen.” 

“Well Stephen, I’m sorry, but I do have plans for Friday night.”  She answered gently. 

“Oh right.”  He said and scuttled off hurriedly. 

“I thought he’d at least try for another night before he ran away.”  Rae chuckled and Chloe shook her head.

“How d’you even get to be popular anyway?”  Chloe asked.

“I think one day everyone just agrees you’re the one they most wanna be like.”  Rae replied thoughtfully.

“Right so last year I was a broken slag and this year I’m the one.”  She shook her head, “Fucked up system.” 

“I think it’s cos you stopped caring.”  Finn replied, knowing that the less he’d cared about his popularity over the years the more popular he’d become. 

“But Stacey cared about it.”  Chloe countered.  “Maybe it works differently with girls?”

“She were real pretty and everyone wanted to be her.”  Rae said.  “But maybe it’s both?”  She mused, “Maybe some people get popular cos they’re real pretty, and others cos they don’t care?” 

“Then I get two strikes.”  Chloe grinned.  “I was always doomed to be popular.”  She said as if it were a heavy cross to bear and then chuckled as they turned away from the photos to head out to the table where they knew Izzy and the new lads would be waiting for them.  Finn took one more glance back at the photos, still not sure if he was ok with them being up on the wall.  But then if Rae was; shouldn’t he be?  He made a mental not to come back and steal that picture of her by herself smiling at the camera so enigmatically; she was truly beautiful in it, and he wanted that photo for his ever-growing collection. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Fucking Hostile’ by Pantera _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E929gqIcwwI>

 

Finn had the last period on a Thursday afternoon free, so he was heading home to re-read his old battered copy of ‘Fireside Tales of the Traveller Children’ by Duncan Williamson.  When Gary had seen Finn going through his old childhood things, looking for this book, he’d told Finn that his mother had given him this book.  Finn wasn’t surprised by a book by a Scottish author as a gift from his mother.  He was going to use it as his older book for the childhood literature assignment.  He still hadn’t decided what to use for his contemporary book.  He decided to walk home, leaving the car for Rae to drive back to his place. 

He walked with his hands in his pockets, enjoying the sun and the ‘lazy afternoon’ feel in the air.  He tried to quieten down his mind; it’d been working overtime lately, worrying about every little thing; Rae, Rae and Phil, Saul, school, his dad, Janice, his mum, all of his mates and their various happenings…

He started to hum, focussing his mind on the tune so it wouldn’t obsess over Rae, he slowed down his pace to really enjoy the walk home.  He was so focussed on the tune he was humming that he didn’t hear the running footsteps approaching him until it was almost too late.  He turned just in time to see Simmy launching himself at him.  Finn had just enough time to catch Simmy slightly, mitigating some of the damage done by the tackle as he crashed into the ground, Simmy on top of him. 

Simmy hit him in the face and Finn tasted blood from somewhere in his mouth before he had time to register that Simmy was bringing his fist down again.  Finn blocked the punch and grabbed Simmy around the throat with his other hand.  One thing core strength training had given Finn was a remarkably strong grip; dead lifting over 100 kilos demanded it.  Simmy’s hands went straight to his throat and scrabbled with Finn’s hand ineffectually.  Finn gritted his teeth and made himself grip tighter on Simmy’s throat, watching the panic come into his eyes momentarily before thumping him square in the face, very hard.  He let Simmy fall back, gasping, scrambling to get up.  Finn jumped up quickly and efficiently, just as Rhys had taught him.  He watched Simmy rubbing his throat in disbelief, coughing and gasping still.  Like Rhys, Finn didn’t make the first move in a fight, he stood, knees bent, immovable like the earth he rooted his feet to, his fists raised, ready.  Lately he had been understanding the mental aspect of fighting more and he made a conscious effort to slow down his breathing, to bring calm to himself.  His mind was completely calm, he felt nothing other than readiness.

“Stay the fuck away from Macca.”  Simmy yelled at him.  “He used to be me best mate till you ragged on him over that poofter Archie.”  Finn said nothing in reply, his eyes never leaving Simmy.  Simmy was enraged that Finn said nothing.  “Are you a faggot too?”  He goaded, “Is that why you’re with that fucking minger?”  Finn simply motioned for Simmy to fight him, saying nothing.  Simmy had done a few years of boxing too; most lads had, he felt confident he could beat Finn if he didn’t let the fucker choke him again.  He raised his fists and rushed at Finn, aiming to punch him, but Finn evaded the punch; easily ducking and landing a hard, swift punch in Simmy’s side, before pushing him back and kicking him hard in the stomach.  As Simmy doubled over Finn uppercut him in the chin, sending him rocking backwards.  Simmy took several steps back, this time Finn following him, as soon as he steadied, Finn aimed another kick at his midriff and when Simmy again doubled over Finn grabbed the back of his head and brought his knee crashing up into Simmy’s face with a satisfying crunch.  Simmy crumpled to the floor and Finn stood over him.  It had been a clinical, targeted beating; Finn had known what he was doing and what he was about to do at every single point. 

He looked down at Simmy, gurgling through his broken nose, his hands over his mouth and nose protectively.

“You come near me best mate again, and I’ll fuck you up twice as bad next time.”  He threatened in an icy tone.  “And what I just did to you is nothing in comparison to what his boyfriend’ll do to you if he ever sees you.  Trust me, you don’t want Tom beating you; he makes giving pain a fucking art form from what I hear.”  Simmy blinked at him silently as Finn smiled sadistically at him, “And Chop wants to kick your arse too.”  He added, “You’d be best to stay away from Archie.”  He started to walk away but then Simmy started to laugh.

“Well then maybe I’ll just go after the girls.”  He said in a voice that made Finn’s skin crawl.  Finn turned slowly to Simmy, still lying on the ground, “Izzy’s so little and sweet, she’d break easily.”  Finn narrowed his eyes, “And that Chloe is just the type o’ girl I like to hurt.”  Finn started to walk back to Simmy, already knowing what he was about to say, “But maybe I could just see if that fat bitch really does had a magic fanny.  Is that why you fuck her?  I can’t wait to find out.”  He laughed as Finn glared down at him. 

“If you go near Rae, I will kill you.”  Finn told him through gritted teeth, the vitriol rising in his gut, threatening to blind him with rage.

“You fucked up my life Finn Nelson.  You took me best mate, you made me unpopular, me marks at school dived after that… I didn’t get into university cos o’ you.  So I’m just gonna hang around and fuck up your life.  Hurt the people you love.” 

“If you come near any of us again, it won’t be just me beating the ever-loving shit outta you.” 

“Bring it motherfucker.”  Finn kicked him in the side hard and he grunted with pain.  “Fuck you!”  He yelled loudly. 

“Stay the fuck away from us.”  Finn commanded dangerously.  He turned and left, Simmy chuckling behind him as he walked away.  His mind raced over what Simmy had said as he walked home; he was sure it was an empty threat, dickheads like Simmy were all bark and no bite.  Nonetheless he’d tell the gang and encourage the girls to keep up their training. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Feel the Pain’ by Dinosaur Jr. _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQZmrdwK7YM>

 

Phil had woken up in a philosophical mood and the mood had stayed with him throughout the entire day.  The summer break had kind of changed everything for him.  It had taken him half of it to loosen up after a year of playing the role of dutiful son and A grade student.  He’d worked towards letting go of everything, including the only woman he’d ever been in love with.  The only women he would ever love like this, he knew that to be the truth.  The second half of the holidays had proven to him that he could never let go of Rae. He’d just have to learn to live without her.  And Andrea had given him a fairly good idea of how to do that; sex.  He’d never be the kind of Lothario Finn had had a reputation for being, although he suspected that most of it was as untrue as Finn said it was; he knew that if Rae believed him, he must be telling the truth.  He wanted to stay true to himself and continue to respect women and to have a connection of some sort with the women he slept with.  But he definitely did not want a full-on relationship with anyone that wasn’t Rae.  Even though he really did want to be fooling around a bit more; he enjoyed sex quite a bit more than he thought he would.  He wondered how much fooling around he could actually do with a woman like Chloe; a woman whose friendship he valued and who he was quite fond of.  As she had pointed out; there were plenty of girls he could be having a casual relationship with, and when Rae wasn’t around, he was capable of seeing that.  And was Chloe the right person to be doing this with?  He supposed he’d find out today in drama, it’d be the first time they’d be together in the same room since the quite spectacular blowjob she’d given him.  Then again, he hadn’t had a bad blowjob yet; he suspected blowjobs were something you couldn’t really do bad unless you got your teeth involved. 

Phil’s mates all had advanced mathematics when he went off to performing arts.  He did hang with the geeks, it was true, but they were a good bunch of guys, and they helped steady him, eased him back into the monotonous routine of being a perfect student.  The first thing he saw when he got in the room was Finn, he had a split lip and slight bruising around his mouth; what a surprise, he’d been fighting again, which meant Rae will have been worrying about him.  Rae was sitting next to him, their heads together, chatting easily, he was grinning, with some difficulty because of his lip and she was chuckling and banging on animatedly.  His hand stroked her thigh gently, affectionately.  Phil’s heart ached; he wanted what Finn had, that easy intimacy with her.  Shagging her best mate practically guaranteed he’d never have a chance with her, and then his mind painfully reminded him that he didn’t really have a chance anyway.  No amount of romantic dinners or emotional and metal connection or moments that could almost have meant something would change that.  Finn had had the good fortune to meet her first.  He watched Finn kiss Rae’s lips softly and saw the way her body responded to him and lowered his eyes. 

“Don’t you know staring is rude.”  Chloe joked as she came into the hall behind him and linked her arm with his.  “You’ll never get her that way.”  She said teasingly and he gave her a dirty look.  “Oh right… you’ll only get her if Finn dies, and then you’ll have to wait at least a decade for her to get over him.  And you’ll never be quite sure that she loves you the way she loves him…”  She said pleasantly.

“You’re in quite the mood today.”  He replied drily and she grinned.

“It’s the last class on a Friday, I got the whole weekend with my delicious boyfriend, and I survived my first week as a second year.”  She smiled sweetly, “Of course I’m in the mood.”  She smiled smuttily at her own double entendre and Phillip rolled his eyes and shook his head.  “Come hang with us.”  She said and walked towards Rae and Finn.  Izzy strolled in behind them and took Chloe’s other arm. 

“Hello!”  She said happily, “Can’t wait for the weekend.”  The girls chatted and manoeuvred Phillip towards Rae and Finn until he was once again sitting on the opposite side of the girls to Finn.  He had wondered if Chloe would treat him any differently, and no one acted like they knew what had happened between he and Chloe. 

“Hello class.”  Evin, the new dance teacher entered the room with a folder in her hands, “Elsa will just be along in a moment.”  She smiled winningly at them and scanned their faces.  “My name is Evin, I tell people it’s like Kevin without the K, that’s a pretty easy way to remember how to say it, because for some reason, it seems to stump people!”  She gave them a goofy grin and looked down at the folder, “Alright, Principal Dixon wants us to mark off the names of people who come to performing arts from now on because Elsa is trying to get this Friday class to be held in the arts centre theatre instead of here.”  There was an excited murmur from the students, Rae and Elsa had discussed this previously and she thought it was a brilliant idea.  “Phillip Seymour and Rachel Earl?”  She asked looking around until she spotted Phil’s hand in the air, Rae raised hers only slightly and Evin nodded at her.  “I think Elsa is going to get you two to help with that tomorrow?”  She shook her head, “You’ll have to talk to Elsa for the details.”  Rae sighed and looked down the line at Phillip who shrugged; he had no idea what this was about either.  Rae looked back at Finn and he shrugged too, indicating that is sucked to be doing school stuff on a Saturday, but that he didn’t mind. 

“Right,” She said and shoved her brown hair behind her ears clumsily.  “I’m not a drama teacher, I’m a dance teacher, so until Elsa gets here, I’m going to teach you a quick dance.”  Rae and Finn instantly frowned, but Chloe and Izzy were on their feet in no time, Phillip being the first male to get up, joined them with a nervous but determined grin.  “I know, I know, you didn’t sign up for dance!  But as actors, knowing how to move your bodies is a bonus in this industry, so it won’t hurt you to learn this, up you all get!” 

When Elsa walked in after a long conversation with Janice and then Sue on loudspeaker on the phone in the office with Principal Dixon, she stopped at the door, bemused by her class of actors laughing and trying to master the dance Evin was teaching them.  It was a fairly simple dance, but it required a lot of body awareness and rhythm to execute well.  Evin’s apparent clumsiness was completely gone as she moved through the steps with a grace and aplomb that was mind-boggling.  Chloe and Rae were acutely reminded of Izzy and the way she was uncoordinated until she started dancing on her feet; chair dancing was a disaster though.  Oddly Finn mastered the moves the quickest, he just looked slightly stiff when executing them and Rae giggled almost continuously watching him try to figure out what was wrong with the way he was moving.  Chloe and Izzy, both dancers looked wonderful doing the dance, moving with the music in a way that only years of training or natural talent could produce and Rae envied them.  Phillip was passable, learning it slower than Finn but faster than Rae, and being slightly less stiff than Finn and also a lot less self-conscious than him.  Rae didn’t even want to imagine how she looked; but she learned it quickly, and according to Finn, looked quite sexy doing the dance. 

After a while Elsa strolled into the room and gently patted Evin on the shoulder.  Evin turned her green eyes to Elsa and gave her a huge grin.

“What do you think?”  She asked.

“I think I need to teach them physical self-awareness!”  Elsa laughed, “Some of you have no coordination and I’m not sure how you managed to open the front door this morning!” 

“We’re actors not dancers!”  Kurt shot back with a laugh; he was particularly bad. 

“Have you never heard of a triple threat?”  Elsa asked, “A stage actor who can sing, dance and act.”  Kurt pulled a face, “Who here thinks they might be a triple threat?”  Chloe raised her hand confidently.  But she was the only one.  “Well I need to have a few more triple threats by the end of this year I think.”  She turned back to Evin and noticed a few tiny amber spots in her left eye.  It was a unique colouring to have coupled with the green, “Nice eyes.”  Elsa said before pressing on, “Wanna help me get some triple threats?”  Elsa had decided that she liked Evin, it had taken all week of working with her to decide it, but it was still a relatively fast decision for Elsa; she preferred to hold off on things like that for as long as possible.  “Extra credit for everyone who does it.”  Elsa told them, “Tuesday afternoons?”  She asked Evin and she nodded, “After normal school hours.”  She took the folder from Evin and looked down the list of names.  “Right into groups of,” she did the maths, dividing her classes into even sized groups, “eight.”  Rae instantly saw Kristi nodding at her and she motioned for her to come over, and she was followed by her twin Kurt and Bryn.

“Looks like we got our group of eight!”  Chloe grinned, “I like it a lot better than our group last year!”  She looked across the room at Amy; obviously missing Stacey and looking unimpressed with her group. 

“Bryn, I don’t think you’ve met everyone.”  Chloe said and Bryn beamed at her, he was the only first year student in their group and the only first year student that Chloe talked to regularly.  Chloe introduced everyone, and Rae finally got to see Mike’s little brother.  He really did look almost exactly the same as his older brother, except he had longer hair than his brother and a decent bit of stubble that Rae didn’t mind the look of.  She looked over at Finn’s clean shaven face and wondered if stubble would look good on him. 

“Hey Elsa, what d’you get up to over the holidays?”  Sam asked and all the second year students turned their eyes to Elsa, the first years were still expecting her to be like a normal teacher and tell him to mind his own business.  Evin sat down on the stage and watched on, getting a feel for the way Elsa taught, since she’d be working closely with her this year. 

“Travelled through South East Asia with some friends.”  She said with a grin, “It was brilliant.  When I lived in Australia, we’d go up through Asia every year and I’d really been missing it.”  She sat down next to Evin, “Very quick whip around the room, in 10 words or less, tell me what you got up to over the holidays.”  She pointed at Sam first.

“Nothing.  Totally wasted it.  It were great!”  She laughed and the rest of the class joined in.  They all quipped in with their summer activities, laughing and enjoying the chat.  Drama was always good for having a quick chat like this; Elsa believed in giving them time to bond so they could work well together during their performances. 

“My summer was spent listening to me brother lament that he didn’t get in your pants Miss.”  Bryn said and shook his head, “like he had a chance hey?”  He chuckled and Elsa nodded with a face that indicated that none of them did.

“Is that Mike?”  She asked and he nodded his head.

“How does everyone know?”  He laughed.  Elsa turned her eyes to Phillip.

“Spent it in London.”  He shrugged, “Nothing much happened.”  That was the whole class and Elsa thanked them for sharing and then went back into serious mode.

“We’re studying dada for this first month.  Who knows what dada theatre is?”  Elsa asked.  As the class talked Rae leaned into Finn.

“South East Asia?”  She asked suspiciously.

“What?”  He asked perplexed.

“Kester just got back from Vietnam!”  She said with a scandalised voice. 

“No way.”  Finn countered, “She’d never fuck Kester.”

“I know he seems a bit too shambolic for her… but I think she’s got broad tastes.” 

“Aye she does.”  Finn said, “But he’s the monogamous type.  She’s doesn’t go in for that.” 

“Maybe they’re just having a fling?”  She gossiped but Finn shook his head resolutely.

“There’s no way she’d do it.  Elsa and Kester have almost opposite needs in a relationship, and probably sexually as well.  Although who knows about Kester.”  He joked, but Rae didn’t laugh, she narrowed her eyes slightly.

“How d’you know?”  She asked quietly.

“How do I know what?” 

“How d’you know that Elsa wouldn’t fuck Kester, that he’s not into monogamy, that she wants the opposite to Kester?”  Rae stared at his face and saw his left eye twitch slightly.  But he gave no other sign before he shrugged.

“It’s just the way she carries herself.”  He said, “And the odd thing she’s said here and there.”  He shook his head, “How d’you know that Kester and Elsa might wanna fuck?” 

“He flirted with her right in front o’ me face Finn.”  She answered grumpily, suspecting that Finn had hidden something from her.  She’d noticed that sometimes he looked at Elsa, and she was starting to suspect that he might have a little bit of a crush on her.  She couldn’t comment; she did too.  But he could just tell her that; she spoke about it honestly.  But she suspected that Finn didn’t take it seriously because she had never had any inclination towards women before.  For Elsa she could make an exception. 

All thoughts of Finn’s possible crush on Elsa were driven from her mind when they had to start working in their groups. 

“Dada is artistic anarchy.”  Kristi looked over their notes, “I like the sound of this.”

“I like rebellions!”  Kurt greed, “Especially if they’re against the established norms.”

“I like Dadaism because it embraced all the elements of art.”  Phillip said with a real fondness for the movement, “it was political, and it brought that to theatre, dance, music, poetry, art… it seemed foolish but it was complete genius.” 

“Phil, Rae,” Elsa approached their group, “I need you two to finalise the details of the theatre usage on Fridays with Sue tomorrow.”  She told them, “I’m sorry but I’ve had something come up.  I know I can trust you two to make sure we get everything we need from the arrangement.”  She said, “Sue said the morning is better for her.  Is this alright with you two?”  She looked at them both.

“Yeah fine.”  Phillip answered, “My Saturday mornings are now free.” 

“We’ve got tennis training.”  Chloe said softly and he looked at her momentarily, his face giving nothing away; they were practicing on Wednesdays now.  “That’s right.”  He said, “Sorry I forgot, summer holidays and all.”  He apologised and Chloe grinned and shrugged, “We’ll have to cancel this Saturday.” 

“That’s ok, I won’t be able to make it to every Saturday.”  Chloe said, “Just saying you should keep it free for when I can.”  Rae narrowed her eyes at Chloe and Phil, they were being so nice to each other. 

“Duly noted.”  He nodded his head. 

“And you?”  Elsa asked Rae. 

“Oh yeah sure.”  Rae shrugged.  “It won’t take long right?” 

“I shouldn’t expect so.”  Elsa shook her head. 

“Hey Elsa,” Kristi asked, “I feel like Dadaism and surrealism are kinda linked?”  She asked, trying to get her head around the topic.  Rae looked over at Finn as Elsa answered and she saw his eyes on Elsa.  It might have been nothing.  It probably was nothing.  Just a student listening to a teacher.  But Rae felt worry settle into her stomach. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘7 Seconds’ By Neneh Cherry & Youssou N’Dour _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJFjjgpXkN0 &feature=kp_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJFjjgpXkN0&feature=kp)

 

“What did Archie say?”  Rae asked and Finn shrugged.

“He’s pissed off that Simmy threatened you girls.”  He said slowly, “He wants to flatten the guy.” 

“I wanna flatten the guy.”  Chloe said with an angry face.  They were heading to the car park after drama, ready to go home.  Finn and Rae had his house to themselves for the night and Chloe was spending the weekend with Rhys. 

“There’s a line for beating that guy.”  Izzy shook her head, “How does one boy get to be filled with so much hatred?”  She frowned, “Can’t believe he said that about me.  About us.”  She looked at Chloe and Rae.  Finn hadn’t sugar-coated what Simmy had said; he had told them everything that had happened and encouraged them to keep training.  He’d never seen Rhys look so stern when he’d heard.  Chop had gone fucking ballistic with anger. 

“I think even Rhys got in line to beat the hell outta him.”  Rae agreed with Izzy. 

“I don’t need Rhys to fight me battles for me.”  Chloe said softly, “Although having him as back up is very nice!”  She chuckled. 

“Aye no one in their right mind would fuck with Rhys.”  Rae nodded towards the car park where chop and Rhys stood chatting; all the other people who were here to pick up someone kept eyeing Rhys nervously.  He was wearing a singlet; his tattoos showing, his pierced nipples obvious under the thin material, and torn jeans with a loose, rough, black, mid-thigh length skirt over the top of them.  His goatee was bright purple and he wore green nail polish and his feet were bare.  Chloe grinned the minute she saw him.  She was wearing matching green nail polish.  And no one else knew that after they’d finished dying his goatee, they’d used the left over to dye her pubic hair, because purple was her favourite colour, and it seemed like such a waste to just throw it out…  She giggled every time she saw her purple bush.  It was the first time she’d seen Rhys since Tuesday; they’d talked on the phone every night, but his schedule and her homework had kept them both very busy.  Students were eyeing Rhys curiously as they left school, waiting to see who he was there to pick up, but when Phil saw him he paused.  Rae noticed his footsteps falter momentarily before he kept going, heading, with the rest of them, towards Chop and Rhys. 

“What are you doing here?”  Izzy asked Chop confused, “I thought you was working back tonight?” 

“I am.”  Chop said, “But I thought I’d take you home baby girl.”  What Simmy had said really got to him and he had no intention of letting Izzy walk home anymore, even if he had to organise something with Rhys or Finn to give her lifts.  Rhys was there because Chloe had asked him to pick her up, although he was inclined to agree with Chop and Finn that it was better for everyone to stay at least in pairs; it didn’t have to be men defending women, just safety in numbers.  His stern face broke out into a huge grin when he saw her.

“I’ve missed you.”  He said to her as she approached.

“Hello to you too!”  She laughed and flung her arms around his neck; he always bent for her so she could.  Chloe noticed many sets of eyes on them and she didn’t care one bit. 

“Alright I’m heading home.”  Phil said, “See you.”  Izzy hugged him.

“Bye Phil.”  She grinned.  Rae turned and gave him a hug and said farewell.  Finn felt the smile freeze on his face; this was new to him.  Chloe also turned to give him a hug.

“See you Monday Phil.”  She said cheerily and he nodded.

“Yep.”  His eyes flicked to Rhys momentarily and Rhys furrowed his brows.  “I’ll see you.”  He turned and left hurriedly. 

“What’s up with him?”  Izzy asked with a perplexed look. 

“You guys hug now?”  Finn asked and then shook his head, “Forget I asked that.”  He held up his hand.  “It don’t matter.”  He took a deep breath and tried to stop the internal voice that told him he should be worrying. 

“Right, well I’ll see you all at the pub tomorrow!”  Chloe grinned, “Lunch time right?”  They all finalised their plans before Chloe turned and took Rhys’s hand.  “Take me home big fellah.”  She chuckled and Rhys cocked an eyebrow.

“Careful, I’ll put you over my shoulder again.”  He returned the joke and they headed towards his car laughing and joking. 

“Right fuckers.”  Chop said, “Tomorrow.”  He fist bumped Finn and hugged Rae before heading off with Izzy. 

“I love you Mr Earl.”  Rae grinned at him, knowing he was fretting a little.  They headed for the car, Finn grinning as she started to list all the things she loved about him.

 

 

Rhys and Chloe sat in the car silently as he drove them back to his place.  Now that it came to it, Chloe was overcome with fear that Rhys wouldn’t be ok with what she’d done with Phillip, and it wasn’t worth losing him over something like that.  But she jutted her chin defying her own fears; she believed Rhys.  She believed all the things he’d said had been more than just pretty words to lure her to him.  Their relationship was different; it allowed her the freedom to do things like that.  It allowed her to need to be adored by as many people as she needed.  It allowed her to reclaim her body and sexuality.  It allowed her to feel like a sexy vixen, using boys and breaking hearts and still coming home to her man at night.  She didn’t know why she needed to do all these things, but she felt she did and he didn’t hate her for it… or judge her.  She believed him.

“I fooled around with Phillip a little.”  She said suddenly, holding her breath, waiting for his response.

“Ah.”  He said softly and Chloe bit her bottom lip in nervous anticipation, “That explains why he looked at me like I might hurt him.”  He grinned.  She let out the breath slowly, relieved. 

“Do you wanna ask any questions about it?”  She asked awkwardly, not knowing how to handle this conversation.  She’d never had to have this kind of conversation before.  Rhys pulled into his car park and stopped the engine.

“Do you want me to?”  He asked and she thought about it for a moment before nodding.  “Ok.”  He lowered his eyes in thought.  “Did you enjoy yourself?”  He asked and she detected no upset in his words. 

“Yes.”  She answered simply.  “Don’t you want to know what we did?”  She asked.

“You don’t have to tell me.  Although we will need to come up with an agreement about protection since we’re not using condoms anymore.” 

“Condoms with anyone that’s not you.”  Chloe said instantly and Rhys nodded.

“Alright.”  He agreed.  “I’ll do the same then.”  She felt strange about the idea that he might be with someone else, but knew it was part of the deal.  She still had some kinks to iron out in this arrangement that she’d set up.  But she knew Rhys would be as patient and accommodating as he always was. 

“I wanna tell you what happened.”  She told him firmly. 

“D’you wanna go inside for that?”  He asked with a reassuring grin.

 

 

As soon as she sat down on the green lounge, Mr Meow jumped up and started loudly purring on her lap, while Rhys made them a huge pot of tea.  There was a knock on the door and Chloe looked down at Mr Meow. 

“Gonna have to move buddy.”  Chloe told him and he looked up at her with lazy blinking eyes.  “I gotta get the door.”  But Rhys came through, carrying the pot of tea, sugar, milk spoons and cups on a tray with one hand.  He opened the door with his other hand and Chloe saw a beautiful woman in a tight fitting red dress.

“Hi Rhys.”  She smiled sweetly.  Chloe furrowed her brow. 

“Dee-Dee.”  He said warmly, “How can I help you?”  

“Oh I just accidentally picked up your mail again.”  She laughed and handed him several envelopes.

“Thanks Dee-Dee.”  Rhys smiled, “what would I do without you to correct the mailman’s mistakes?”  He asked indulgently. 

“So do you need anything tonight?”  She asked and Rhys grinned thankfully at her.

“No, Dee-Dee, I’m fine.”

“Anything at all.”  She said with just the slightest hint of suggestion in her voice. 

“You’re such a kind neighbour.”  Rhys said with a huge smile, “it’s so good to know I’ve got someone like you looking out for me.”  He soothed gently, “But I’ll be fine, thank you.”  He started to slowly close the door, “Thank you so much Dee-Dee.” 

“Well if you need anything…?”

“I’ll let you know.”  He said with a nod, “Goodnight.”

“Have a great night Rhys.”  She called as the door closed gently.  He turned back to Chloe, his eyes on the mail with a slight frown as he walked over to the coffee table and put the tray down. 

“I take it Dee-Dee picks up your mail a lot?”  Chloe asked with a wry smile.  Rhys made an unimpressed sound and nodded as he picked up the mail and thumbed through it.  “Have you…?”

“No I haven’t fucked her.”  Rhys said, “She’s not…”

“You’re type?”  Chloe asked intrigued; she was stunningly beautiful. 

“She’s not someone who could handle me.”  Rhys corrected with a slight grin.  “I would only do her harm.”  He shrugged, “I’m not what she needs.”  Chloe cocked her head to the side and considered this.

“What made you think I could handle you?”

“I don’t know.”  He answered, “I can never put my finger on it exactly… but the person I am isn’t good for everyone, and I can just tell who is better off without me.”  He saw the look on Chloe’s face and grinned, “There’s people in the world who are better off without you Chloe.”  He explained, “There’s always some people that we’re just not good for.  And others we are.” 

“I’m very different to you, it just surprises me that…” she shook her head, not able to find the right words.

“Yes, but I’m very flexible; mentally, emotionally, sexually… physically.”  He added with a devious grin. 

“But not flexible enough for her?”  Chloe asked.

“Too flexible for her.”  Rhys answered, “The thing that makes me a good match for some people, is the thing that makes me a terrible match for others.”  He shrugged and put the letters down, unopened.  “It’s like that for everyone.”  He poured them some tea and Chloe watched his steady movements thoughtfully.  “And besides, she’s racist.”  He added and Chloe raised her eyebrows in confusion.

“She wants to fuck you Rhys…?”  She asked and he nodded his head.

“I heard her tell her sister that she wanted to ride the big black cock.”  Rhys replied and Chloe scrunched up her nose in disgust. 

“I bet you hate living up to that stereotype?”  She joked and he chuckled, shaking his head. 

“It has its perks.”  He grinned, “But I’ve had several black lovers with cocks of all different sizes.  And all stereotypes, even if they’re a supposedly good one, are still a dehumanising pile of trash.” 

“I know.”  She said sadly, “I’ve read enough of your bookshelf to get that, at least.”  She looked over at the bookshelf, “Still a long way to go though.”

“And I’m not even overly political.  Wait till you meet some of my friends.” 

“What are they like?” 

“They are all very attractive and funny.  Some of them are quite political and most of them aren’t quite as white as my other group of friends.”  He referred to the gang and Chloe chuckled while he smiled with slightly narrowed eyes.

“So is the gang all attractive too?”  She asked still chuckling.

“Of course they are.”  He said, “I only really have friends that are.”  He shrugged at Chloe’s confused face.

“Everyone in the gang is fuckable to you, aren’t they?”  She asked suddenly.  He nodded in reply as if that was obvious.  Her continued look of incredulity made him decide to actually explain his sexuality for the first time in his life. 

“The way my sexuality works is…” He considered for a moment, having no idea how to put it into words accurately “Well I find everyone attractive physically.”  He said as he poured the milk for Chloe.  “It’s when I get to know them that they get struck off the list of people I’d fuck.”  Chloe couldn’t help but giggle at the way he described it, “So really anyone I’d be friends with is someone I’d fuck.” 

“So you could have a one night stand with anyone?”  She asked and he nodded.

“Yeah cos I don’t know anything about ‘em.”  He put sugar into his own tea but not Chloe’s.  She had white tea with no sugar.  He had black tea with a lot of sugar.  “But if I wanna fuck ‘em more than once, I gotta like their personality as well.  And that’s harder.”

“I remember you said you’re not fond of bigots.”

“No I’m not.”  He agreed, “And you’d be surprised at how many people are bigots.”  He said sadly.

“So personality plays a big part in it for you?”

“Oh definitely.”  Rhys answered, “I can’t be sexually attracted to someone with a terrible personality.”

“So when you first see a person – they’re all equally fuckable?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, then you get to know them and…?”

“A lot of people don’t suit me mentally.”  He said with a wry grin.

“Bigots with shit personalities.”  She grinned.  “Then what?”

“Emotional maturity matters a lot.”  He added, “There’s actually a lot of hoops to get through to get into my pants!” he laughed, “Even if I would fuck a person in theory, for it to eventuate into a reality, there’s a whole load of circumstances that have to be right.”  He shook his head, “So all the stars align much less often than I’d probably like given I find everyone attractive on first sight.”  He took a sip of tea, grimaced and added another teaspoon of sugar.

“So since we’ve been together… you haven’t fooled around with anyone else have you?”  She asked feeling guilty and he shook his head in response. 

“I will if I find someone worth fooling around with.”

“Elsa?”  She asked astutely and his smile turned serious. 

“I’ve been abstaining from sexual activity with Elsa because I know she intimidates you.”  Chloe felt her mouth open in surprise and she lowered her face to look at Mr Meow still sitting in her lap, asleep now. 

“You and Elsa?”  Chloe asked and Rhys raised his eyebrows and let out a slow breath.  “You’re close?” 

“Yes.”  He answered and looked at her carefully, “And our friendship is non-negotiable Chloe.”   He told her honestly, “I will always be close with her.”  Chloe lowered her eyes, feeling tears in her eyes, “But I will abstain from having sex with her if you prefer.”  He noted her sadness, and knew that his relationship with Elsa required further explanation, “She’s the reason I was in a position to teach Finn to box when I was 16 rather than still living on the streets being an underage prostitute.”  He told her and Chloe rose her eyes, understanding how important Elsa was to him now.  “She saved my life Chloe.  I will always love her.  I will always be close to her.”  She nodded.

“Of course.” 

“She saved me when I was 14.”  He said softly, “And when I was 18, she was the first woman I had sex with for free.  First woman I slept with that wasn’t a job.”  He lowered his eyes, “She is important to me.  And we have fooled around since then.”  He nodded slowly, “And we have lunch together every Wednesday.”

“So she’s like a girlfriend?”  Chloe asked sadly and Rhys shook his head.

“We’re friends who occasionally fuck.”  He told her, “You are my girlfriend.”

“And what’s the difference?”  Chloe asked defensively, not sure how this whole thing worked. 

“If she asked me to stop sleeping with someone I would tell her she has no right to ask that of me.”  Rhys said simply, “You do not need to ask it.  I see you are not comfortable with it, so I desist.”  Chloe felt a lump in her throat, “And if you did ask, I would do as you needed.” 

“I don’t want you to stop sleeping with Elsa.”  Chloe said with lowered eyes and Rhys smiled reassuringly, his hand gently stroking her cheek.

“And when you truly mean that Chloe, I’ll consider giving her a call.”  She looked up at him.  “It’s ok Chloe.”  He reassured her. 

“It’s not fair though is it?”  She asked sadly, “I’m off doing stuff with Phillip and you’re…”  She held her lips together tightly to stifle her emotion. 

“Chloe, I have been in these types of relationships for all of my adult life.  I’m used to them.  You’re not.”  He said gently, “It takes time.”  She nodded slowly.  “And you’re under no obligation to stay in this type of relationship if it doesn’t work for you.”

“I just want us to be equal and fair in this thing.”  She said softly, but her insides squirmed at the thought of him being with Elsa. 

“Equality and fairness are often misunderstood concepts.”  He said simply and she gave him a confused look.  “How much money do you reckon the queen has?”

“Millions of pounds.”  Chloe answered with a confused tone.

“Right, and the poorest person you know?”

“Not much at all.”

“So if I gave a pound to the queen and to the poorest person you know… would that be fair?  Would it make things equal?  Who would benefit more?”  Chloe stared at him, understanding coming into her eyes.  “I use that example to explain to people why equal opportunity employment is important, but the example holds true here as well.”  He told her firmly, “In this instance I’m the millionaire… I don’t need the money Chloe, you do.  I’m fine.”  He told her softly.  She lowered her eyes and fidgeted with her cup.  “I don’t need to fuck a person every time you do, Chloe.” 

“But I don’t feel right fucking around and you’re not.”  She said slowly. 

“Why’s that?”  He finished his tea in a big gulp and poured himself a second from the pot. 

“Cos I feel I’m cheating on you and you’re not worth losing over this.”  She noticed that he had stopped mid pour and was looking at her.  She looked up at him.

“Chloe, you’re not cheating on me.  We have an agreement.  An agreement we negotiated because of your needs.  Are you now saying that your needs are not as important as me?”  He asked with sorrow in his eyes, “You know I think your needs are paramount, missy.”  He added gently. 

“I worry about your needs.”  She replied firmly and watched a small grin creep onto his face.

“My needs are being met.”  He countered easily. 

“I dunno Rhys… after Elsa and Pandora… I must seem very… tame… in comparison.”  She felt slightly sick in the stomach; she wasn’t used to giving voice to her real concerns around men.  They always used it as a weapon to control her. 

“I don’t compare my lovers Chloe.”  He answered, “And besides my sexuality is very fluid.”  He told her, “I tend to… mould myself to the person I’m with.”  He sipped his tea.

“I don’t… I don’t understand.  Don’t you have your own desires?” 

“I most definitely do.”  He replied, “Just because I don’t make our entire sex life about what I desire, it does not mean that I do not want.” 

“Well I wanna know what you want.”

“You.”  He nodded and the desire in his eyes for her was breathtaking. 

“But what do you wanna do to me?  Or have me do to you?”  She asked fervently.

“Plenty of things.”  He replied, “I’m happy following your lead though.”

“What if I’m taking too long to get to what you want?” 

“We’ve got plenty of time.”  He answered confidently and Chloe felt her cunt respond to that confidence.  But she made her body quieten down, and followed her brain and her worries; she needed to sort all of this out. 

“What if I don’t get around to doing what you want?”  She asked pointedly. 

“Desire’s a tricky thing Chloe.”  Rhys said, “Sometimes I want all sorts of things.”  He said, “But at the moment I’m doing something with you, I just want exactly what it is we’re doing.” 

“But…”  Chloe couldn’t bring herself to ask him if he thought what they were doing was boring. 

“When I worked with Pandora, she inflicted all sorts of pain on me.  And I wanted it at the time she was doing it.”  Rhys told her as he slipped off his singlet slowly, his hand running down his chest to his left nipple ring.  Chloe looked at his body with desire.

“I got this from Pandora.”  He said slowly, fingering the ring gently, “In the middle of a show.  She did it without telling me she’d do it.  It hurt like hell.”  He shook his head, “She gave me a Prince Albert as well and when I was with her it was amazing and I loved it.  But I took it out and I was really lucky it healed up alright without much of a scar.”  He grinned.  “I wanted her to do almost whatever she wanted to me, because that’s the way it works with Pandora.  And the way it works with me, is that I adapt to who I’m with, I’m flexible.”

“Almost anything?”

“I still have my hard boundaries.”  He said firmly, “I know what I don’t want to do, not necessarily what I do want to do.”  Chloe nodded, understanding that; she felt the same. 

“And is… is a prince albert a piercing through the head of the cock?”  Chloe had hear rumours about this thing and she was surprised he’d once had one.

“It’s through the urethra… the eye.  And under the glans.  That hurt quite a bit.”  He chuckled reminiscently, “See I like the nipple ring, so even after Pandora was done with me, I kept it.  Didn’t like the P.A.”  He shrugged, “Sometimes I don’t know my desire until it’s all done and dusted… that can be the nature of exploration sometimes.”  He reached over and stroked Mr Meow’s head gently as he considered this, “Sometimes you know exactly what you want to explore though.  Pandora was an example of me moulding myself to someone else, of me being swept up with wanting what she wanted.”  He pointed to his other nipple ring.  “This one was Tom.” 

“You really liked the nipple ring a lot huh?”  She laughed and he nodded. 

“I do.  And I pursued Tom.  I wanted him, I wanted what I knew he could offer.  He’s an example of when I have known what I wanted and I still adapted to his desires because that’s part of who I am.”  He grinned, “So I ended up with a Lorum piercing from him.  And I still have that.  Because I went into the relationship with Tom, knowing what I wanted.”  He finished his tea and poured a second cup for Chloe, finishing off the pot.  “And I’m very good at knowing who can fulfil my desires.”  He told her simply.  “Everyone’s different, no one’s better than someone else.”  He shrugged, “Some people are sadistic and are aroused by piercing me, some are not.”  He told her with a shrug, “I could have asked Elsa to do this nipple ring, but piercing me does not arouse her.  So what would have been the point of trying to convince her to do something she didn’t want to do, when there’s plenty of people who do want to do it to me?”  He looked at her astutely, “Don’t feel like you have to do things you don’t want to.  Or that you have to stack up to previous lovers.” 

“Easier said than done.”  Chloe kept her eyes on the huge ginger cat sleeping happily on her lap.

“I understand.”  He told her, “Let me know if I can do anything to help you with that.”  She nodded slowly. 

“What’s a Lorum piercing?”

“It’s in my scrotum at the base of my cock.”  He told her and she opened her mouth in shock.

“How have I not noticed it?”  She felt acutely aware of how much attention she hadn’t been paying to his cock.  “I’ve put a condom on you!”  She exclaimed.

“I wasn’t wearing it at the summer ball.”  He said.  “In case we did get to having sex and in case you didn’t like it.”  He answered shyly and she laughed in surprise. 

“I wanna see it.”  She ordered immediately and he chuckled as he stood up and took his skirt and pants off.  He lifted up his cock and there underneath it at the base was a silver captive ball ring through the part of the scrotum that attached to the base of the cock.  “Can I touch it?”  She asked amazed and he nodded.  She reached out and gently fingered the piercing. 

“I practically had to re-pierce the thing after the summer ball.”  He said, “So it’s not coming out again.  So I hope you like it!”  Chloe nodded as she took some time to look at his genitals, she noticed a small puckered scar on his thigh right next to his testicles and wondered what had caused that. 

Mr Meow stretched and jumped off Chloe’s lap, unimpressed with her for leaning forward.  He collapsed in a heap on the floor and stretched out dramatically, but Chloe hardly noticed his antics as she put her tea down and gently stroked Rhys’s testicles, quite liking the Lorum ring.  She made herself stop and leaned back.  She had to tell him about Phil before she could enjoy his genitals. 

“So Phil fingered me.  But I weren’t naked so he didn’t see me purple muff.”  Chloe told him, wanting to see his reaction.  He nodded slowly as he sat down.

“His loss.”  He grinned and met her eyes, she was worried he wouldn’t look her in the eye. 

“Ask me a question.”  She said stridently; covering her fear with bravado. 

“Did you cum?”  Rhys obliged without a pause. 

“Yes.”  She told him in a straight forward manner, “He fingered me from behind and his fingers kinda pressed into the back of me rather than the front, and it was amazing.”  She told him, waiting to see jealousy, or concern that he hadn’t done that to her. 

“Well I’m glad he wasn’t useless.”  Rhys grinned.  Chloe nodded slowly.

“I sucked his dick.”  She said brazenly.  And then she saw something, a sight hesitation before he nodded slowly.  She narrowed her eyes.  “Ask me a question.”  She dared him.

“Did he go down on you after that?” 

“No he says he owes me though.”  Chloe replied.  “Don’t you wonder why I sucked his cock and not yours even though we’ve been together for like 2 months.”  Rhys lowered his eyes.

“I won’t deny that a similar thought crossed my mind momentarily, but then I know you will have entirely valid reasons for your actions, and you are under no obligation to do anything with me; including fellatio, and also including telling me what your reasons are.” 

“Did I hurt your feelings?”  She asked worried and he looked up at her with a reassuring smile.

“No Chloe.”  He told her, “I really do mean it when I say that I am not entitled to you and you can do as you wish.”

“But… but you have desires of your own?”  She asked him slowly and he nodded.

“Of course I do.” 

“And I’m not meeting your desires.”  She said firmly and he shook his head in disagreement. 

“I pursued you Chloe, knowing that I wanted what you had to offer.  Now I am moulding to you and your needs.  My desires are satisfied.”

“So if we never did anything other than you going down on me and me riding you, that’d be ok with you?”  She asked trying to hide her incredulity.

“If that’s what you truly wanted.”  He answered and she shook her head, ready to call him a liar.  “But it’s not.”  Her words died in her throat, “It’s not what you want, so I can’t be satisfied with staying here forever, because you won’t be.”  His eyes flicked to her face and she saw a desire for her that was so heated, so intense that her cunt contracted powerfully making her body shudder involuntarily.  And Rhys grinned. 

“And that’s how I know you don’t want to stay having the same sex forever.”  Chloe blushed, aware that her body had given her away.  He bit his bottom lip and let his eyes crawl down her body.  She held her breath; this was new, he was undressing her with his eyes, he was eye fucking her.  He was taking the lead momentarily and she could barely move, barely think.  He wasn’t hiding the intensity of his desire for her like he normally did and it was incredible.  She could feel herself getting wet; she wanted Rhys with this much intensity, but she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to handle it.  She lowered her eyes and looked away. 

“And that’s why I will continue to follow your lead.”  He understood her fear.  She looked back at him.  His desire was cloaked again, but she saw more genuine love for her on his face than she’d seen from any other man that had shown even half that amount of desire for her.  “So you tell me what you want.  And I will do it,” He said happily, “Whatever it is.”  Chloe lowered her eyes, considering his offer. 

“I might not be ready for your full intensity Rhys, but I am ready for you to start telling me what you want.”  She looked back up at him, “me, I know you want me.”  She sat forward on the lounge her skirt riding up slightly and she saw his eyes flick to her thighs, the desire not completely under control yet, before they flicked back to her face, “but I need to hear what you want.”  She told him, “Do you understand Rhys?”  She put her hand in his, “I need to hear some of your desires.  Desires that are independent of mine.  I can probably handle just the tiniest tip of the iceberg right now… but… tell me…” She watched him closely as he looked down at her hand in his, his thumb gently stroking her fingers.  He took a deep breath and looked back up at her. 

“I’d like to… I’d like to fuck you standing.”  His face broke out into a huge grin, “In the shower.” 

“Tell me how you picture it.”  She said excitedly.

“I’m holding you up,” He closed his eye as if picturing it in his mind, “and your arms are wrapped around my neck, and we’re kissing.”  She looked at how happy his face looked thinking about this.  But he opened his eyes and looked at here seriously, “But if you don’t want this, the desire will easily pass.”  He reassured her, “You needn’t feel like you have to fulfil my desires.”

“Why not?  You do it for me.”  She snapped and he raised his eyebrows in surprise.  “You said you’d follow my lead, well this is where I’m leading!”  His eyes took her in slowly, and she jutted her chin, feeling every bit as brave as her posture made her out to be, for once. 

“I apologise Chloe.”  Rhys said honestly, “You’re right.” 

“I know!”  She said firmly, but inside she was surprised he had said that to her.  “D’you know why I sucked Phil’s cock?”  She asked him.

“Because you wanted to I assume.”  He answered her brusque question as calmly as he ever was. 

“Yes.”  She said, “But I wanted to because it’s been 10 months since I sucked a cock.”  Rhys furrowed his brows slightly as he put that information together with previous things she’d said to him today. 

“You wanted practice?”  He asked and she grinned; glad he’d understood.

“I wanted practice.”  She repeated, “I can’t imagine me sucking your dick better than Elsa or Pandora… or Tom!”  She suddenly thought of all the things Archie had said to her about Tom’s dick sucking skills, “Fuck!”  She shook her head, “I could never compete with a man!  He’s got a dick… he know what it feels like!”  She stared tragically into the dregs of her cold tea and felt a little sick about swallowing Phil’s cum when it wasn’t going to help her out with never being good enough at oral sex. 

“It’s not a competition Chloe.”  Rhys answered, but she barely heard him. 

“What else have you done?”  She asked, “How many people have you fucked?”  She asked feeling panic rising in her stomach.  “How many other women have you had in that bed Rhys?”  She asked him with deeply furrowed brows, a deep anxiety in her eyes. 

“None.”  Rhys answered calmly and Chloe blinked at him in disbelief.

“Men?”  She asked, possibly even more concerned about how wonderful sex would be with men for Rhys. 

“Also none.”

“You don’t have to lie to me about this.”  She said firmly.  He stroked her face gently.

“Chloe, I don’t bring people back to my home very often.  It’s my private sanctuary against the world and I don’t let people in unless I know I can trust them.”  Chloe felt her panic almost instantly drop a notch as his calm voice soothed her, “I tend to go to other people’s house for sex,” he said, “and the few people I’ve had back to my house, I’ve fucked on this lounge we’re sitting on, or on the spare bed, which I’ve recently replaced; so that one hasn’t been used.” 

“Just me in your bed?”  She asked in a small bewildered voice.

“Just you in my bedroom.”  He added with a nod of the head that emphasised how important that was.  “I’m a rape survivor like you Chloe.”  He said, “My home is my safe place away from this world and my bedroom is the heart and soul of that.”  He lowered his eyes, “I don’t like having people here I don’t know well.  There’s only been Tom, Elsa, Vincent and Sam.”  He said, “That have ever been invited to my home.  And only Elsa has ever been in a bedroom of mine.  Just not that one.  She hasn’t actually been to this apartment.  I’ve only owned it for two years.”  He shrugged.  “Here it’s only been you that’s been invited over at all.  I’m slow to invite people into my home, especially for something as intimate as sex.  And sex is always intimate, even if you don’t know the other person’s name.”  He said, “And besides, Mister Meow doesn’t like guests.”  He said softly and Chloe smiled at this complex man that she suddenly realised she was in love with.  Strangely, feeling this upsurge of love for him only made her feel more confident about their unconventional relationship; it was right for them. 

“I want you to enjoy your relationship with Elsa to its fullest; I don’t mind if you two fuck.”  Chloe suddenly said, “But just me in your bedroom.”  She told him, “Just me in your heart.”  She put her hand on his naked chest and he nodded slowly.

“Just you in my heart.”  He stroked her hair gently, “And soul.”  He added with a deep love in his eyes that made her previous worries about his past lovers, and competing with them, and going down on him, completely evaporate.  She was something very special to him.  How could those poor other people compete with her? 

“So I think it’s time to give the shower in your ensuite a bit of a christening don’t you think?”  She asked him and he chuckled.

“I do think it’s time, yes.”  He bit his bottom lip and let his eyes drop to her mouth again and Chloe licked her lips the minute his eyes dropped.  She saw a spark of desire ignite and watched him start to reign it in, but she had no intention of letting that happen. 

“Don’t you wish I’d suck your cock Rhys?”  She asked him with a seductive tone.  She watched an appreciative smile creep across his face.

“If you wish to do it, I have no objections.”  His voice was slightly husky and she knew he did desire it.  She made a slightly sad sound and his eyes finally tore away from her mouth to her eyes, concern at the noise she’d made. 

“No objection.”  She said forlornly, her eyes lowered as if very upset.  “That’s hardly enough motivation to get a girl on her knees.”  She slowly raised her eyes to Rhys, a slight smile on her lips, her eyes suggestive.  Rhys understood that she wanted him to ask her outright for oral sex, and he really had no objection to obliging her at all.

“Please Chloe,” He said softly, leaning towards her, his eyes filling with desire, “Please go down on me.”  She watched him bite his bottom lip again, his eyes dropping to her mouth.

“You want me to wrap my beautiful lips around your big cock?”  She asked and a slight groan came from his mouth and he chuckled at himself. 

“I want a blowjob right now more than I have ever wanted a blowjob.”  He licked his lips and looked into her eyes, “So if you want to do it, I have absolutely no objection.”  He breathed and she chuckled, loving the way he made her cunt throb for him, she slid off the lounge to her knees and he groaned in anticipation.  She knelt before him and slowly unbuttoned her blouse.  He watched her, more of the desire he kept so carefully under control flooding through him.  She flung her bra off and pulled her skirt up over her head, leaving just her g-string on.  She knelt before him, almost naked and he pushed the coffee table out of the way for her in one strong movement, knocking his tea chop off it and scaring Mr Meow, but his eyes never left her.  If she needed to see his desire, he could easily show her that; he was filled with it for her.  He could show her how his situational awareness disappeared when she was around because all he could see was her.  He could show her how his heart sped up, how his cock ached, how his hands twitched to touch her, his mouth watered to taste her.  He could show her how the thought of her doing things just to please him made his insides tingle just as much as the thought of him doing things just to please her.  But he had to remember to show her just the tip of the iceberg.  She watched him blink a few times and reign in the desire.  So she picked up his hand slowly, his eyes fell to her two hands holding his hand and he gasped in surprise as she wrapped her lips around his finger.  He’d had this done to him before; he’d done it to Tom… But Chloe… Chloe doing this to him set off shudders of desire throughout him.  He watched as she wrapped her tongue around his finger and took all of it into her mouth, sucking it with a small groan of desire escaping her throat.  He groaned in sympathy.

“Good god woman, do you have any idea what you do to me?”  He breathed as she kept her eyes on his, her tongue circling the tip of his finger.  Chloe grinned, starting to get the idea.  She didn’t want to tease him anymore, she wanted to taste him.  She looked up at his face, he was watching her closely, a lusty grin on his face, his cock erect.  To Chloe’s surprise she felt her mouth watering in anticipation she was so keen to do this that her body was prepping for it.  She pushed him back in the seat so he was leaning back, his pelvis forward on the chair and knelt between his feet.  She grasped his cock and without any delay licked the end of it she felt the muscles in his thighs tense up and flicked her eyes up to his; she intended to look at him the whole time she was doing this.  She opened her mouth wide and slid his cock into her mouth, his closed eyes slowly and he took a deep breath in, letting it out with a long slow moan before he opened his eyes to watch her mouth move over the length of his cock, her hand pumping in unison, her other hand gently caressing his balls.  He gently stroked her hair as she sucked him, noticing for the first time how big his hands were in comparison to the size of her head, noticing how wide she opened her mouth to take him in.  He heard her gag as she pushed herself down onto him and saw her eyes water.  He shook his head.

“I will get it all down.”  She told his shaking head.

“No it’s fine.”  He told her. 

“It won’t be today.”  She told him, “But I will be the master this cock.”  She told him immutably and he heard that determined tone of voice she sometimes used and knew there was no point telling her that it was a very difficult task she’d set herself.  Only Tom had managed to do it, and Rhys had been beyond impressed.  So had Tom, and he had told Rhys that since deep throating him, no one else seemed quite as difficult to do.  He watched her take deep breaths and work herself further down his shaft and groaned; he liked the way she alternated between deep throating and using her hand so she could lick and suck the tip; she was taking her time to work him towards orgasm and he really liked that she was in no rush, that she was enjoying doing this to him.  She sucked his balls happily, moving them gently in her mouth, her hand stroking him, the fingers of her other had slipping past his balls to his perineum.  She’d read about this little area of magic in her magazines and his eyes rolled back in his head when she started to massage it, he spread his thighs for her and tilted his pelvis upwards to give her easier access.  She let her fingers massage his perineum, his balls resting in her palm, and started to deep throat him again, her other hand still able to stroke the bottom of his shaft even though she was going as deep as she could.  She could see the muscles of his stomach flexing, could feel his thighs tensing, he was groaning loudly and she knew that he was starting to build towards climax.  Which was good because she’d been doing this for forty minutes and her jaw was getting tired; she’d deliberately taken her time to build him to orgasm, but she’d forgotten how tiring sucking cock could be.  But she was so glad she’d taken her time, she had been rewarded by hundreds of small sounds, deep groans, appreciative sighs, blissful looks, tensing muscles and his head rolling back in pleasure.  Her sexual self-esteem was feeling quite appeased by how much pleasure she had been able to give him. 

“I am going to swallow your cum.”  She whispered to him before taking a deep breath and deep throating him again.  She hadn’t wanted to wait for him to ask her where to cum; she wanted to just give him that sexy little piece of information and let him lie back and enjoy without worrying about it.  He groaned in response, his mouth opening as he grew closer.  She sped up, her muscles aching but singing in triumph as she heard his moans becoming louder and more urgent.  This was the best head she’d ever given; for her at least.  She’d enjoyed every minute of it and she was finishing it exhausted but triumphant; his orgasm being so worth the effort she put in to the slow build.  She’d never enjoyed giving oral sex like she’d enjoyed this; his obvious appreciation as he looked into her eyes was such a gift. 

“Oh Chloe.”  He moaned softly, he tried to say her name again, but the words were lost in long low groan and she felt his warm cum spurt into her mouth, her eyes opened in triumph; she’d done that, she’d made this man cum.  This perfect, beautiful man who she loved deeply.  She felt herself sucking him even as he came and surprised herself.  His groans hit a higher pitch as she sucked him dry, swallowing without a thought as she sucked him, wanting every drop of him.  She stopped when he stopped coming, realising that she had swallowed it all without any trouble at all and looked up at him with a huge grin.  He was leaning back on the lounge, his mouth still open in ecstasy.  She felt the sticky film left in her mouth and tasted him in her mouth even though she had swallowed; she found she didn’t mind it when it was him.  She’d read in one of her magazines that a diet high in fresh fruit and vegetable, particularly pineapple made cum taste better, and she knew Rhys had an excellent diet.  Phillip usually did too, but she knew he’d been eating a lot of junk food in London; maybe that’s what did it?  She’d have to ask Archie and Rae what Tom and Finn tasted like, and Izzy what Chop tasted like; Chop had a habit of refusing to eat most vegetables and all fruit.  She thought about these things as Rhys sat calmly, smiling at her lustily.  She could probably just ask him, he’d probably swallowed many times in his life.  The way he was looking at her was so desirous that she felt her body aching to fuck him, but in her experience, a blowjob meant they weren’t having sex again until tomorrow. 

“How was it?”  She asked, knowing he’d enjoyed it, but needing him just say that it was ok. 

“Incredible.”  He said, still in post-orgasm glow.  She bit her bottom lip, intensely pleased with his response and kissed him again as he went to say something else.  They kissed for a long time, Chloe crawling up onto the lounge to lie on top of him.  After a while her stomach grumbled and he pulled back from the kiss gently and looked up at the clock.  .  “How about I cook you some dinner and then we head to that shower christening you mentioned?”  She bit her bottom lip and nodded, scrambling off him to sit on the longue.  “Though I think we might have to make a stop somewhere, anywhere you like, for me to grab a taste.”  His eyes dropped to her purple bush and she grinned. 

“In the shower, you on your knees.”  She told him and he raised his eyebrows as he stood up to head to the kitchen. 

“That sounds good to me.”  He turned with a devilish glint in his eye and bit his bottom lip for a moment, “How d’you feel about me tossing the salad?”  He asked with a cheeky grin and she furrowed her brows in bewilderment.

“For dinner?”  She asked confused as to why he’d even be asking; he usually served a salad of some sort with dinner.

“No Chloe… not for dinner.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Every Breath You Take’ by The Police _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOGaugKpzs>

 

Rhys had handed her the keys to his beloved 1973 Buick Centurion without even blinking.  Like everything Rhys owned it had been carefully chosen; 1973 was the year he was born and the Centurion range were some of the last convertibles Buick did.  And it was painted lime green; like Rhys it was a mix of the classic and the contemporary.  Archie was always pissy that Tom drove a bigger shit-box then he did, and thought they should sell both cars to try and get one decent car between them, but Tom was oddly fond of his car.  Chloe had her brand new car that she’d gotten from her father.  Rae and Finn shared the beautiful car Finn and Chop had made.  And Chop was making another car like that for Izzy and himself to replace the piece of junk they currently had.  But Rhys’s car was her favourite.  Even though she loved her car and was in awe of Rae’s, there was just something about a lime green classic Buick with the top down that made her feel invincible.  She came to this conclusion while driving his car home to get a few things before heading back to his place.  He had work until lunch time, so she had all morning to do a bit of homework and pack a few bits of sexy lingerie and the like. 

Last night Rhys had done things to her that were new for them, and some things that were new to her all together, and all of it quite exciting.  He’d gone down on her in the shower, and licked her entire crack as well as her clit, holding her up when she came multiple times, it had been incredible.  When he’d finally gotten around to fucking her against the wall of the shower she had already cum so much she wasn’t sure she’d be able to cum again, but as he ground his hips, moving them in an almost circular and very hard thrusting motion, he’d reached down and rubbed her clitoris carefully.  She’d cum loudly and then, both of them still dripping wet, her legs still wrapped around his waist he’d asked her if they could take this to the bedroom, where he carefully laid her down and made love to her slowly and gently.  After the hard fuck in the shower, she’d been nearly dizzy with delight and to know he still wanted to make love to her after he’d gotten to fuck her brains out was wonderful.  Of course she expected that from Rhys, but given her past experience with men, every time he proved himself to not be a jerk she was pleasantly surprised.  But god did he fuck hard.  She was going to joke with Rae and Izzy that she’d never walk the same again after that fuck.  But he’d only gone as hard as she’d encouraged him to go.  She smiled, supremely satisfied, as she thought about that.  He was powerful; he could hold her down with one hand, easily, and he took her lead every step of the way; even fucking her just the way she wanted.  And he took real delight in giving her pleasure; he made it his art, his quest was to bring her as much sexual pleasure as he could. 

And she was so in love with him. 

She felt no great urge to tell him this; she was sure he already knew given he seemed to read her so well.  And if he didn’t, she was sure it would come out in conversation at the right time.  She felt very sure of herself and the relationship now.  She was confident in her decision to have an open relationship with him; she even felt almost sure she’d be ok with him sleeping with Elsa if he chose to.  She didn’t know why it was ok, something had just shifted in her and it was all ok now.  He loved her enough to give her freedom.  And she felt the same way about him. 

She was the happiest she had probably ever been in her whole life when she pulled up to her home.  She knew her parents were both working this morning; that’s why she had chosen now to come home to get some stuff.  If they were here and asked too many questions about her supposedly staying at Izzy’s place, she’d probably get caught out; she was too happy to lie properly right now. 

As soon as she got out of the car she froze.  Walking up the driveway was a face she had hoped to never see again. 

“Hey Chlo.”  Ian said softly, the menace in his voice a gentle undercurrent at present.  She closed her fist around Rhys’s car keys, the sharp ends sticking out.

“Get the fuck away from me.”  She said through gritted teeth.

“You didn’t think I was lying when I said I’d come for you, did you?”  He leaned on Rhys’s beautifully polished car and lit up a cigarette.  “Cos I’m so not done with you little girl.”  He whispered as he took a set of knuckle dusters out of his pocket.  He slipped them over his fingers.

“Brass knuckles.  Sure do some damage.”  He said looking at them and Chloe backed up slowly.  He punched in the window of Rhys’s car and then punched the metal work of the boot leaving an ugly dent making her jump in fear and drop the keys.  “If I can do that to a car… imagine what I can do to your body…”

“Don’t you come near me.”  Chloe got herself back together and rooted her feet to the floor the way Rhys had taught her to do in some types of fights, in others he had taught her to move around.  She steadied her balance and raised her fists loosely.  Ian laughed and gave her a smug smile.

“You stupid, pathetic little slag.”  He shook his head.

“Get the fuck away from me Ian.”  She repeated, trying to make her nerves drop, trying to make herself as calm as Rhys always was.  If she made a mistake, he’d really hurt her.  He advanced on her and she bent her knees and clenched her fists; ready to fight.  As soon as he was within striking distance she punched him hard in the face.  His stumbled back, the brass knuckles thankfully clattering to the floor.  He looked stunned.

“Fucking bitch.”  He said as he put his hand to his face and saw blood on his fingertips; his nose bleeding. 

“Get away from me.”  She repeated.

“You think cos you learned a few tricks you can stop me?”  He threatened and closed in on her again.  She punched out again but he was ready this time and evaded the punch.  She followed through by bringing her other elbow crashing into his jaw.  He grunted but managed to keep his feet this time and punched out at her, connecting with the side of her face hard, and sending her sprawling backwards.  She scrambled to her feet and tried to still her racing panicked mind.  He was so much stronger than her; when he landed a punch he sent her sprawling.  But Rhys’s hard training made her able to take a punch much better than either of them had expected and had made her mind far more disciplined; she was able to bring herself somewhat under control and she let lose a roundhouse kick that connected with his temple, knocking him sideways.  She backed it up with a kick to the chin, rocking him back.  Kicks were her strength, unsurprisingly, and Petra had taught her well this past week.  He looked up at her with real surprise and a little bit of fear.

“Stay away from me.”  She repeated.  And he grinned, the blood on his teeth sickening.

“I’ll just come back with a bunch of me lads, and we’ll take you home where you belong.”  He told her slowly, “And we’ll have us a real good night.”  He looked her up and down, “Bitch.”  He turned and started to walk back up the driveway, stopping to pick up his brass knuckles.  He turned back to her, punching Rhys’s car again.

“I don’t know who owns this car.”  Ian said, “Magnificent though.”  He said as he kicked in the tail light.  “I don’t imagine he’ll be too pleased with you though when you bring it back like this.”  He scraped the brass knuckles down the door.  “I wonder if he’ll think that arse o’ yours is worth how much it’ll cost to fix this?”  He smashed in the other back window, Chloe staying still, her eyes following him as he moved around the car, her body ready to fight him.  Blood poured from his nose, but he ignored it bleeding down his shirt, punching the car with his brass knuckles again.  “See Chlo, you’re a worthless fuck.  But you’re my worthless fuck.  And I’m not done with you.”  He kicked out the other tail light and left, Chloe staying in her fighting stance until she couldn’t see him. 

The minute he was out of sight she immediately and frantically searched for the keys on the ground.  Once she found them she got in the car and drove back to Rhys’s house, tears streaming down her face.  She parked outside the flats, but knew he wouldn’t be there and she needed him right now, so she drove on to the boxing joint, the side of her face aching, and her constant monologue telling herself that she was ok was not able to stop the tears.  She was nearly hysterical by the time she pulled up outside of the gym.  By chance Rhys was running with his client around the block and saw his car, looking worse for wear than he remembered it being, in the car park.  He told his client to get some water and approached the car, seeing Chloe slumped over the wheel he started to sprint towards her. 

“Chlo?”  He said gently as he opened the door and crouched, his hands carefully reaching in to her, she looked up at him, the swelling on the side of her face was painfully apparent.

“I’m so sorry about your car.”  She said hysterically and he shook his head. 

“A car can be easily fixed.”  He said soothingly.

“But you love this car.”  Her voice shuddered with fear. 

“Not as much as I love you.”  He told her firmly.  “Chloe…?”

“It was Ian.”  She said before he had chance to form the question properly.  Rhys felt an icy rage settle in the pit of his stomach and took a moment to repress that; his emotions were not important here, hers were.  “He was at my place… and he…” She started to cry and for the first time in a long time Rhys didn’t know what to do.  He so desperately wanted to take her into his arms, but she had just had an encounter with her rapist, and it was very likely she didn’t want to be touched.  “He said he wasn’t done with me.”  She opened her arms for him and he instantly swept her into his arms, picking her up and turning around to sit in his car, having to subtly adjust the seat to fit himself in, Chloe curled up in his arms, crying.  “He said I was his and after I hit him and told him to leave he said he’d come back with a bunch o’ lads and take me and…” She started to shake with tears, “I can’t fight off a bunch of them Rhys.”  She cried, “no matter how good I get he’ll always have a way to get to me.” 

“He will never get to you.”  Rhys answered firmly, “You are stronger than you know, and you have a family of friends that will back you up.  And you have me.”  She nodded slowly, calming down. 

“I am strong.”  She whispered to herself, her breath slowing, “I am strong.”  Rhys saw his client heading across the car park to him. 

“Ash, I’m going to have to cancel.”  He said as soon as Ash got into ear shot and Ash paused, seeing Chloe in his arms, “There has been an incident and I need to go home.”  He said apologetically, “I’ll give you three free sessions for skipping out on you today mate.”  Rhys told him and Ash shook his head.

“Nah man it’s alright, you gotta do what you gotta do.”  His eyes fell to Chloe, who had her face buried in Rhys’s chest. 

“Can you get someone at the centre to give Tom a ring to take the rest of my clients today?”  He asked and Ash nodded in reply.

“Yeah sure, I’ll just go in and ask the girl behind the counter?” 

“Yeah she’ll have his number.”  Rhys gave him a smile and Ash knew it was his cue to leave. 

“Right, see you Monday Rhys.”  He jogged off towards the centre and Rhys immediately turned his attention to Chloe.

“What do you need?”

“Take me home.”  She whimpered and he nodded, gently turning himself in the seat until he was facing the steering wheel, Chloe still in his arms.  It was a tight fit, but he managed to get himself in the car without disturbing Chloe.  He checked that her feet were safe and gently closed the door. 

“I don’t know your address Chloe.”  He said softly; he hadn’t been to her home yet.

“Not there.”  She answered and he realised she meant his home.

“Of course.”  He pulled out slowly, one arm still protectively holding her, the other on the steering wheel.  This was dangerous, but there was no way he was moving her.  “Do we need to go to hospital?”  He asked her gently.

“No.”  Her voice was muffled, she still hadn’t taken her face from his chest. 

“Do we need to report this to the police?” 

“No.”  She looked up at him, tears still dripping from her eyes, “I just wanna go home and have a shower… and have you hold me.” 

“Whatever you need Ms Chloe.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Comedown’ by Bush _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kewuzKHZGKo>

 

“So you know Chloe invited me to your pub lunch right?”  Phillip said and Rae gave him a look with raised eyebrows.

“Well while I do enjoy the witty banter between you and my beloved, I’m not sure she was thinking it through!”  Phillip smiled tightly and nodded.  Even more than Finn he had Rhys to worry about now. 

_Oh fuck Phillip you idiot, what the fucking fuck did you get yourself into?_

“No I think she did.”  Phillip answered honestly, “I think I’m s’posed to be the entertainment.” 

“Oh that’s a bit cynical, Philly me lad.”  Rae told him with furrowed brows, “And anyway, we do a good job o’ entertaining ourselves.”  She told him.

“So am I officially uninvited?”  The cynical grin stayed on his face and Rae shook her head.

“Only she that gave the invite can do the uninviting Phil.”  She answered sagely, “Plus you’re me mate, I love having you around.”  She gave him a grim smile, “It’d be better if Finn did too… but I don’t see that happening any time soon.”  Finn hadn’t said anything to him about the dinner he was supposed to be having with Rae early next week, so he assumed he hadn’t talked to Rae yet and that the dinner was either off or postponed indefinitely.  What he didn’t know was that Finn intended to call him at the hotel on Tuesday afternoon after the performances were done, so that nerves or awkwardness over the impending dinner didn’t interfere with Rae’s chance of winning this duologue competition. 

_Was I an utter idiot to believe that Finn would really give me a chance to talk to her?_

_What difference does it make if hasn’t talked to her?_

_Either way, you’re going to be alone with her on Monday, Tuesday and half of Wednesday… you’ll have plenty of time to talk to her then._

_To say what?  You know how it’s gonna go Phil._

_No you don’t.  Sometimes she looks at you like… like there’s something there… maybe once you tell her, she’ll realise that she has feelings for you?_

_Shut up Phil.  Just enjoy the time you’ve got with her.  The moments when there’s still light in the sky, even though you can see the night coming._

“I’ll try harder with Finn.”  Phil told her, “I definitely rile him up sometimes.”

“Aye I know.”  She told him with a glint in her eye that he couldn’t quite read. 

“Well I’ll knock it off.”  He answered slowly. 

“I stopped caring Phil.”  She said, “If you two wanna fight, you can go right ahead and do it.  Just don’t blame me for it.”  She looked at him with a sly grin, “Sometimes I think you two have a secret love and you hide it by hating each other like this.”  Phillip scoffed.

“Hardly.”

“It’s like all those team sports you guys do.  They’re so homo-erotic.  You all rub up against each other and grab each other and spank each other and then claim you’re not gay…”  She shook her head, “I don’t buy it.” 

“It’s just sport…” Phil furrowed his brows.

“Aye and I guess what you and Finn do is just sport too.”  She shrugged, “it’s all the same to me.” 

“I think you’re reading a bit too much into it.”  Phil chuckled.

“Oh aye?”  She asked as they approached the arts centre.  Rae had parked in front of the pub so she could just get in the car after lunch with the gang; she was heading straight back to the pub after this.  Phil had gotten a lift with Rae; his car was still out of service.  

“Maybe just a little.”  He grinned.  “What books are you gonna do for English?”

“Tolkien of course and Rowling.”  She shrugged, “haven’t read Rowling yet.”

“I’ll have to give it a look-see, I’ve heard it’s an interesting read, even for a children’s novel.” 

“What about you?”

“Also Tolkien and I haven’t decided my contemporary book yet.”

“Was he your favourite when you were younger too?”  She grinned and he nodded.

“Still is!”  He laughed. 

“I so wanted to be Bilbo, off on an adventure.”  She said wistfully and Phil felt his heart lurch painfully.

“Same.”  He said softly, trying to get his emotions under control, “And after we moved to the place in London, it was all I could think about.”  He said sadly, “Kept me sane, thinking that at any moment, Gandalf might come to the door.”

“D’you hate being rich that much?”  She asked incredulously. 

“I don’t hate not having to worry about money.”  He admitted, “I do hate what money did to my family though.”  He didn’t want to say much more, didn’t want to talk about how he had loved getting hugs, but slowly he’d been given less as making more money had become more important than him.  He didn’t want to talk about the hundreds of examples he could give like that.  It sounded like complaining, even to his own ears, when he had been given such a privileged life.  He didn’t want to talk about how jealous he had been of Chop’s huge chaotic family, rich but still loving.  And even when Chop’s direct family got poor, they still loved each other.  It had been so long since Phillip had felt like he was loved by someone other than his sister that he was starting to feel like love was a myth. 

“Sometimes I hate what not having money does to my family.”  Rae told him and he nodded sympathetically.

“Oh I remember being poor.”  He shook his head.  “I think we can both just agree that money is fucking evil.”

“I’ll never get used to hearing you swear!”  Rae laughed.

“I gotta stop, I nearly swore at the coach yester.”  He laughed with her, “Fucking summer holidays has gotten me out of character!” 

And suddenly Phil stopped mid laugh.  Rae looked at him with a confused face, but saw he was staring at a car, parked across the road from the arts centre, off the road, under a tree.  Cars were always parking along this strip of hard dirt. 

She recognised the red car immediately; how could she forget the coke can blasting out of the window and hitting her on the chest, the lads inside yelling abuse at her. 

Phillip looked up and down the street, deserted on a late Saturday morning.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his house keys and turned to grin at Rae.

“Remember how to key a car?”  He asked her and she opened her mouth in shock.

“You serious?”  She asked and instantly started to giggle.  He crossed the road, Rae following, looking up and down the road.  She watched him, with a surprised grin as he scraped the keys along the whole length of the car, putting as much force as he could in without bending the key itself.  He looked up and down the street again before going to the other side of the car.  Rae looked at the impressive scratch and decided in an instant to let down the tyres, but she knew from Finn that just undoing the caps on the tyres wouldn’t deflate them.  She looked around for a small twig and found one.  Working quickly she unscrewed the cap and jammed the twig down the hole, pressing down the centre pin and letting out the air.  She jammed the twig in and put the cap back on loosely, holding the twig in place but letting the air still slowly escape.  She moved on to the next tyre and did the same while Phil finished scraping down the other side of the car. 

“What you doing girl?”  He asked and came round to see her jamming the stick in.

“Oh nice!”  He laughed and looked around for a twig to do the same to the other tyres.  After he’d finished emptying the other tyres he got out some glue from his backpack.

“I was borrowing this from the arts centre.”  He explained, “Cos I’m making them some new flats.”  He added and Rae nodded her head in understanding.  She watched him squirt it into the locks and started to laugh.  “Once it’s dry, this stuff has a load bearing of 130 kilos.”  He told her, “These locks are fucked now.”  Rae laughed and looked back up the street.  Phillip looked at the car and tried to figure out what else he could do to it without literally smashing it and drawing too much attention to them.  Rae saw a sudden devious grin creep onto his face and he pulled out his water bottle, emptying it onto the dirt. 

“Alright keep a look out.”  He told Rae and turned his back to her, she turned her back to him and looked up the street.  A moment passed and she hear the unmistakeable sound of Phil pissing into the bottle. 

“What the fuck are you doing?”  She asked incredulously.  He zipped up and as soon as she heard that sound she turned around to see him carefully pouring the urine into the bonnet near the window wipers. 

“Next time he puts his heating or air conditioning on he’s gonna smell my piss.”  Phillip grinned and Rae opened her mouth in surprise.  She started laughing as he finished up the bottle and put the lid back on it with a grimace.  He put it back in his bag.  “Remind me to put that in the bin yeah?”  He asked but she threw her arms around him, laughing.  He hugged her back, both of them giddy with laughter and the adrenalin pumping through their bodies.  He could smell her, and the feel of her body against him, he could feel her heart thumping in her chest and hear her laughing in his ear.  “Alright we gotta get out o’ here.”  He told her reluctantly.  She laced her arm through his and they headed for the theatre laughing loudly.

“Remind me to never get on your bad side Phil!”  She laughed and he turned his eyes to her stunningly beautiful face.

“You could never get on my bad side Rae.”  He told her firmly through his chuckles.

“Cos we’re mates.”  She grinned at him and he nodded his head.

“Yeah.”  He answered and looked back at the arts centre. 

“Oh Janice!”  She called out as she saw Janice rushing towards the centre.  Janice looked up and waved cheerily.  She looked tired and Rae furrowed her brows.  The three of them entered the arts centre together, talking freely and were greeted by Sue.

“Ready for our meeting?”  She asked, her eyes turning to Phillip momentarily before she took on a completely professional demeanour.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘No Remorse (I Wanna Die)’ by Atari Teenage Riot vs Slayer _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytPOSx5ef8w>

 

Rhys had called them all to say he and Chloe were cancelling lunch and maybe they’d meet for lunch tomorrow.  He told Finn why.  Not in detail.  Just four words;

_Ian came for her_

A quick ring around had cancelled the lunch all together, agreeing to meet tomorrow for lunch, even if Rhys and Chloe couldn’t make it.  And now Finn was left fretting about Rae.  Not because she would find the pub empty; he could always meet her there.  Not because she’d worry about Chloe; they’d all do that together.

But because he’d gotten lax lately.  Because he’d been focussing on Phillip and trying to deal with his own issues of jealousy and feelings of inadequacy… and it had been months, and their wounds were healed up… Rae had been going all over the place completely alone.  She wouldn’t like it but it had to end. 

Ian coming for Chloe 10 months after she left told him that no amount of time was long enough to feel safe that Saul was gone. 

He decided to jog down to the arts centre and wait for her to finish up there before taking her home.  As he ran, his mind mulled over what had happened in Rae’s room that day, he started to wonder what had happened before he got there.  He left bruises on her, he cut her; he had seen these and she had told him about this.  Did he do anything else?  Was there something Rae wasn’t telling him?  He wondered about the way she had pushed his hand away from her clitoris, the way she had evaded talking to him about it by saying she needed to speak to Kester.  Finn was filled with a sickening feeling that Saul had touched her, perhaps even rubbed her and now, months later, her mind was reliving it every time he touched her there.  Finn ran hard, his body enjoying the punishing run, but his mind frantically putting the puzzle together, his stomach feeling sick.  He’d dropped the ball here.  And he knew it.  But how could he raise this with Rae, how could he ask her if…

Finn’s mind went completely silent and a sadistic smile crept over his face. 

He knew that number plate.

Phillip had told him that number plate before the summer holidays.  The sun was angled so that being parked under the tree did nothing in the way of shade; the car was baking in the hot summer sun.  He strolled over to the car, he could smell piss before he’d even gotten to the curb and he realised with an appreciative grin that Phil must have peed on the car somehow.  He saw the flat tyres, the long, deep scratches up the sides of the car and nodded his head with a satisfied grin.

“Good work Phil, but I think I can do better.”  He looked up and down the road before kicking in the headlights.  He wished he had a cricket bat or something similar with him but he saw a shopping trolley up the street that’d do some damage…

Finn crashed the shopping trolley with all his force into the side of the car several times.  It was daylight so he kept having to pause and check the empty street for witnesses.  Doing this sort of thing could get you a couple of months in the clinker.  He kicked the back number plate until the screws loosened and he pulled the number plate off and threw it across the street as far as he could.  He smashed the trolley into the other side of the car and walked back around to the other side to see the damage the trolley had done the first time; several good sized dents and the paint work was fucked.  He looked around for something to hit the car with; even a good rock to take out the windows…

“The fuck you doing?”  He heard from behind him.  He turned slowly to see three lads glaring at him.  Finn sized them up and recognised one of them as a pretty decent boxer from the boxing joint.  He’d heard the guy say some pretty shit things about women in the past; Finn had no doubt this was the arsehole that had thrown the can at Rae.  He heard a scuff behind him and looked over his shoulder at a fourth guy; very strong and fit looking, blocking any idea of retreat he had. 

“That’s my fucking car.”  Said one of the lads and Finn’s eyes went to him slowly, not really hearing him; he was weighing his odds.  One guy whose superior size was a problem, one guy whose pretty decent boxing skills were a problem and two unknown entities of similar size to himself. 

“Did you fuck up my car?”  Finn heard the guy behind him advancing as the three guys in front of him did the same.  He scanned the place for a way out.  He was blocked to the right by the car and to the left by the tree.  Trying to slip between the solo guy behind him and the tree was his best bet of escape.  Finn looked over his shoulder and saw that the man behind him had moved over slightly to make escape that way harder. 

Finn very suddenly realised that there was no way out of this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Killer Condom <http://vimeo.com/9661933>

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes trailer <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txfdGlxEsG8>

Police story 4 <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH_EaU_OftA>

Lady Diana death announcement <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNsdvhh8_X0>

Camden Catacombs: <http://www.subbrit.org.uk/sb-sites/sites/c/camden_catacombs/>

 

Rhyming slang:

How’d you get her Alan Whickers off, you fucking ginger beer? – How’d you get her knickers off, you fucking queer?

Loads of bunse – Loads of money

Fucking nice thrupenny bits, though – Fucking nice tits though

Had a bit o’ the north ‘n’ south on the ol’ hampton? – Had a bit of the mouth on the ol’ dick?  (has she given you a blowjob?)

She your future strife, lad? – She your future wife, lad?

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 4 - Tipping Point (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic 
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 1.
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo

 

_ ‘I’ve Been Loving You Too Long’ by Tina Turner _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3q2QHPfTmw>

 

Gary heard a key enter the lock of the door and didn’t look up; he suspected it was Finn back from his run, to pick something up before lunch at the pub with the gang.  He was far too interested in this article about what Janice was up to at the arts centre to look up; the theatre was getting shows for the first time in years.  That woman was a marvel.  The key unlocked the door but then relocked it and was withdrawn.  He looked up from the newspaper wondering why Finn would unlock and then relock the door and now be standing like a goose on the front doorstep…

_Could be Janice._

_Finn said she had a duplicate key, and you only got one key back…_

_Give you a chance to un-fuck everything._

Gary stood up, folding the newspaper and straightened his shirt.  He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and went to the door.  He took a moment to gather his thoughts and to figure out what he’d say when he saw her. 

_She’s probably gone already you been messing about for so long._

He opened the door and she was there, looking at an old battered key, her brows furrowed with grief and knowledge that in all this time he’d never changed the locks. 

Gary’s mouth opened in shock, he took a sharp breath in, unable to take his eyes off her.  She raised her large blue eyes to him, her light brown hair rippling in the wind. 

He watched, unable to move as a tear snailed down her cheek. 

Every other thought disappeared in the instant he saw her. 

_Oh my lord… she hasn’t aged a day since I last saw her… and I’ve gone bald._

He couldn’t even manage to croak her name out of his constricted throat.

_Kenzie._

He repeated her name to himself as she stepped forward and put a hand to his face, obviously unable to say a word, clearly as afflicted with choking emotion as he was. 

A small smile turned up the ends of her mouth as her other hand rose and gently caressed his cheek and the smile increased as her hand rose to his head and gently stroked his shaved head.  He chuckled slightly and wrapped his arms slowly around her waist.  She let out a relieved sound and pulled him into her arms. 

Gary ached inside.  Eight years.  Eight years she had been gone.  His hands stroked her sides; the feel of her, his wife, after all these years, in his arms.  And the smell of her.  He felt her hands travelling up his back and her face was suddenly turned up to him, her mouth seeking his.  Her kiss was sweet and tentative and he gently kissed her, trying to remember what it was to kiss the woman you loved.  But as soon as her tongue gently brushed against his, Gary was overcome with a deep desire and his kiss became more insistent, deeper, passionate.  Kenzie responded, moaning deeply and kissing him with all the pent up loneliness and yearning she’d buried in her heart for these years.  To his surprise Gary felt Kenzie’s hands unbuckling his belt and the urge to have her swept up through him from his groin. 

He’d imagined when they finally saw each other it would be emotional.  They’d both cry.  They’d talk.  And slowly over days, weeks, months, they’d build their intimacy back up, until finally they could make love again.  Maybe in a few years they’d even try for another child. 

She pulled his belt out with a sexual ferocity that he’d never before seen in her.  But he himself was pulling at her belt furiously, violently; something he’d never done before.  He hadn’t even closed the front door and he was already taking her clothes off, having not spoken one word to her.  She started trying to get the buttons of his shirt undone, but fumbling with nerves and eagerness she ended up popping them instead, buttons flying everywhere before she finally got the shirt off him her mouth going to his chest.  He slammed the door shut and she was on him, her kisses so intense he could focus on nothing but her mouth as they slid slowly to the ground, Kenzie pulling Gary on top of her while he simultaneously pulled at her jeans. 

He felt like a 15 year old virgin again, his hands finding every curve of her body and lingering with delight.  He had to keep reminding himself to slow down, but the way she was holding him to her, her nails digging into his back made it clear she wanted him as much as he wanted her.  The salt of her skin as he kissed down her neck was at once so familiar and so new to him.  He fumbled to get his jeans off, realising that he still had shoes on, and they laughed together as they got him out of his clothes finally.  But still they had not said so much as a word to each other, they were both too intent on each other’s bodies, caressing, kissing, licking sucking with an intensity, a frenzied passion that was new to both of them. 

The way she gasped when he finally slid inside of her after eight years of waiting for her nearly tipped him over the edge; that gasp told him she’d been waiting eight years too and had nearly forgotten what it felt like.  He had to pause and close his eyes as she enveloped his cock.  He pushed in as deep as he could, his eyes closed, feeling the warmth of her, the intimacy of being here with her, on the floor to the home they had bought together 16 years ago.  She groaned contently and wrapped her legs around him, her eyes rolling back just the way he remembered.  He held her in his arms wanting to gently make love to her, but also wanting to fuck her like a randy teenager again.  But more than anything he wanted to never stop kissing her.  He’d forgotten how sweet she tasted. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘No Remorse (I Wanna Die)’ by Atari Teenage Riot vs Slayer _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytPOSx5ef8w>

 

Finn very suddenly realised that there was no way out of this.

He subtly bent his knees, sinking into a fighting stance, rooting his feet for balance.  He didn’t raise his fists yet; hoping that somehow this wouldn’t end up in a fight.  He weighed his odds carefully, appraising the three lads in front of him, and carefully listening for movement behind him.  He wasn’t sure that he could win this fight.  Rhys had been training him hard, and Gus and Petra had taught him a lot over this past week, but he still knew as he took in the strengths and weaknesses of the lads in front of him that he was in trouble. 

“Did you fuck up me mate’s car?”  The guy from the boxing joint said slowly.  Finn remembering that his name was Alex. 

“Haven’t I seen you at the boxing joint?”  Finn asked, hoping that he’d maybe seen Finn boxing or fighting with Rhys and it gave him pause.  He saw recognition in the guy’s eyes. 

“Eh… eh Finn?”  He asked, his hostility not ebbing one bit, “You box with Rhys?”  And there it was, the moment of hesitation.  He backed up slightly the other two guys looking at him confused.  “You’ve actually downed that huge motherfucker.”  Alex said slowly and Finn nodded slowly, a dangerous grin coming to his face.

“Yeah I have.  I’ve put him down a couple o’ times.”  Finn answered honestly; he was proud that he’d been able to bring Rhys down.  Alex took another step back but stopped just outside of hitting range.  Finn noted that he had bent his knees.  Dean was Alex’s trainer, and Dean might be a misogynist, but he could box pretty well. 

“No mean feat.”  Alex said impressed, his eyes filling with a desire to take on Finn. 

“I can see you wanna take me on.”  Finn noted with a cocky grin.  “Tell your fucking mates to back up, and raise your fists cunt.”  Finn found his way out; if he could beat the hell out of this guy without taking too much damage the others might back off.  And if they didn’t, three against one was far better odds than four against one. 

“Alright.”  Alex nodded at his mates and they stepped back slightly.  Finn heard the guy behind him backing up. 

“I wanna know why that fucker fucked up me car!”  One of the guys said and Finn grinned at him as he raised his fists, his eyes on Alex.  He knew the others might get involved, but he had to take the risk. 

“Why d’you fuck up his car?”  Alex asked as he eyed Finn cautiously.  Finn didn’t bother replying, there was no point. 

“We gonna fight or d’you wanna have a brew and a chat?”  Finn heard the guy behind him moving closer again, slowly, as if he thought he was being quiet.  Finn saw his shadow from the corner of his eye and whipped around in a spinning back kick, connecting firmly with the guy’s cheek and knocking him back.  He was so thankful for his kick boxing lessons now.  And for Petra; she’d been quite strict on his kicking techniques.  The three lads looked at him with wide eyes as he squared up again. 

“I can take you guys.”  Finn grinned, suddenly remembering how good he actually was at this stuff.  Alex struck out at him, landing a hard punch on the side of Finn’s face.  But Finn had been expecting this and executed a brutally hard side kick to Alex’s now exposed midriff.  As Finn’s foot hit the ground he elbowed Alex in the face and with his other fist punched one of the other guys in the jaw turning and letting loose with an uppercut to the last guy’s chin.  He knew he had to get a move on and turn back to the solo guy before he got his bearings back, but Alex was used to getting hit; he was a boxer, and he didn’t stumble back as much as the other three.  He tackled Finn roughly to the ground, slamming a fist into his jaw as soon as they hit dirt.  Finn put a hand to his throat to choke him, but Alex was muscular and he didn’t panic like Simmy had.  He put his hand on Finn’s to pull it away.  Finn punched him in the temple hard, and when Alex didn’t stop trying to get out of the choke, Finn punched him in the side of the head several times until he fell sideways stunned.  Unfortunately, the three other guys were now more or less ready to fight again; Alex had used up the advantage he’d gained from the surprise attack.  Finn jumped up, Alex lying at his feet dazed, and looked at the three guys surrounding him. 

 

 

Rae opened the backstage door slowly laughing happily with Phillip.  Janice and Sue had stayed in the office, both reluctantly, but both having far too much work to do.  Janice was happy with Sue as her second in command, but there were multiple stakeholders in the community arts centre and the only weakness Sue had was not being able to handle their competing and often contradictory demands.  That’s how the centre had gotten back into trouble; Sue liked to please everyone and there simply wasn’t the money for that.  Elsa had wanted to get some better spotlights, but there was no money.  Janice and Sue had to put together the paperwork to make a request as well as organise a safety inspection.  Phillip had decided to come to lunch at the pub and see how the Chloe and Rhys situation was going.  Plus it gave him more chance to spend time with Rae.  Rae was looking back at Phillip, holding the door open for him and he was laughing when he looked up across the road, his face instantly falling. 

 

 

Finn elbowed the guy who was trying to hold his arms to his side in the face, but elbowing someone who’s behind you is not an easy thing to do and he didn’t hit with enough force to do any real damage.  Another guy came to help the first guy to pin Finn against the car.  The guy who owned the car tried to approach to punch Finn, but he forward kicked the guy in the gut, sending him reeling back.  Even pinned like this he was still dangerous.  Finn fought against the two guys holding his arms as Alex was slowly getting to his feet, his hand on the side of his head.

 

 

Rae turned to see what Phil had seen. 

“No.”  She whispered. 

“Oh fuck.”  Phil barely breathed.  He watched as Alex deftly blocked Finn’s kick and planted a hard fist in his stomach.  Finn made a loud grunt of pain, but the lads holding him arms stopped him from doubling over.  Phil’s mind went over the possibilities, options, scenarios at lightning speed as Finn pulled violently to get himself free, the lads laughing, really starting to enjoy themselves now.  Rae’s mind went into overdrive for a moment before going utterly blank; how could she help him? 

She started to run towards the scene.  Phillip quickly followed her, adrenalin pumping through his veins.  Alex hit Finn in the gut again, harder than the first time, Finn coughing in pain after. 

“You can do better than that.”  He spat out blood at Alex and Alex gave him a sadistic grin.

“You’re right, I can.”  He hit Finn in the face.  But again Finn had been expecting Alex’s predictable move and rolled his head back with the punch, raising his knee into Alex’s groin while his guard was down.  Alex dropped to his knees.

And perfect clarity finally came to Rae’s mind, she turned to look at Phillip, running beside her.

“Go to the boxing joint,” It was only a block away, “See if Tom or Rhys is working.  Tell them Finn’s in trouble.”  Phillip nodded and sprinted off towards the boxing joint at his full speed. 

Finn started to reef his arms around, trying to free himself from the guys holding him. 

“HEY!”  Rae screamed as she finally got close to them. Her heart hammering in her chest from fear and adrenaline.  “What are you doing?”  She asked softer. 

“Fuck off you fat cunt.”  The guy who owned the car had staggered to his feet and looked over at her before turning his eyes back to Finn. 

“Why are you doing that?”  She asked, trying to steady her voice.

“Rae don’t!”  Finn struggled more. 

“You know that bitch?”  The car owner asked.  “Is that why you fucked up me car?”  He asked shaking his head, “All for a minging lard-arse heifer?” 

“I did it!”  Rae yelled over the top of Finn’s comeback.  She watched them all turn to look at her.

“No.”  Finn groaned, “No Rae.” 

“What are you gonna do to me?”  She asked them aggressively, hoping beyond hope that they wouldn’t hit a girl, and trying to stall long enough for Phil to get back with someone.  Alex slowly got to his feet.

“Fat cunt’s lying.”  He said slowly, obviously still in pain.  “There should be fucking laws against fat people.”  He spat at her, “No one wants to see a thing like you.”  The sneer of disgust on his face stung Rae.  But she jutted her chin, like she’d seen Chloe do so many times and shrugged at him.

“There should be laws against you, you look like a flea-infested shit-stain on syphilitic politician’s undies.”  Rae shot back, the surprise of her comeback taking everyone’s attention long enough for Finn to break free and knock his fist into some heads.  As soon as the attackers all turned their eyes back to Finn Rae approached closer, until she was close enough to tap the car owner’s shoulder he turned to her, and taking a leaf from Petra’s book she hit his face hard as he turned.  Instantly she shook her fist, not expecting how bony a face felt and also how sickening the crunch of a breaking nose could feel under her knuckles.  He backed up, his hands going to his face, blood dripping through them and she bit her bottom lip, wide-eyed.

“Shit shit shit.”  She started to mutter in a high voice as he closed on her.  She started to back up as he got closer.

“You fucking slag!”  He roared, “You broke me fucking nose!”

Finn pushed one of his attackers into the other one and grabbed Alex by the hair, pulling his face into his knee and pushing him onto the ground before turning to the other two guys.  One tried to punch him but Finn caught his hand and pulled him closer diagonally, round kicking him in the gut several times, Finn’s firm grip on his fist stopping him from escaping.  Finn elbowed him in the face before turning to the other guy who was staring at him wide-eyed in fear.  Finn was in no mood to play nice, so he punched him hard in the face.

“Shit!”  Rae scrambled away, around the car, the owner following her, clearly intending to beat the hell out of her.  Neither of them saw Tom sprint up behind them; Rae just saw a foot connect with the back of the car owner’s head and watched him fall down to the ground at her feet. 

“Excellent timing!”  She told Tom and Phil as Tom went to help Finn; Alex and one of the other guys were back on their feet.  Phil took a deep breath and followed Tom, trying to look like he had any idea how to fight.  As Rae had suspected, as soon as the odds were more even, or in reality stacked heavily against them, the 4 lads backed up and tried to talk their way out of a continued fight. 

“Hey fuck you!”  Finn yelled at them when they tried to wave the metaphorical white flag; he particularly wanted a piece of the car owner for the way he’d talked about Rae, and the way he’d gone after her like he was gonna hit her.  But Rae put a calming hand on his arm.  Tom was laughing, ready to scrap and that was scary in and of itself.  But it was Alex backing up that really killed the fight in them. 

“I’m not fighting him!”  He said looking at Tom.  “He’s a fucking instructor.” 

“Oh come on boy!”  Tom laughed, “I love a good fight!”

“Tom!”  Rae said, “I just wanna get Finn home.”  She was close to tears and Tom heard the tone in her voice.  He turned to look at her.

“Take him home, I can take on these four fuckers.”  He grinned, “Easy.” 

“No fucking way.”  Finn told her, “He gets to stay, I stay!”

“This is fucking insanity!”  Phillip said loudly.  “We end this here!” 

“Fuck off!”  Finn told him, “You didn’t get your arse kicked by these cunts!”  Finn wiped blood from his mouth and glared at them. 

“I don’t give a fuck Finn!”  Phillip told him, “Take Rae home for fuck’s sake!” 

“It’s only a matter o’ time till the cops show.”  Rae added, gently pulling at his arm. 

“Her hand needs ice.”  Phil said meaningfully, “look after her properly.”  Finn blinked, slowly taking in Phil’s words and nodded.

“You’re right.”  He said to Phil and put a protective arm around Rae, “You alright?”  He asked her. 

“Scatter, fuckers.”  Tom told the four lads and they took his advice, taking off in four different directions.  Tom took Rae’s hand into his and looked at the knuckles.

“Didn’t square your fist properly.”  His fingers went over her wrist, starting to swell.  “Take her home, ice her.”  He looked Finn over, “You’ll be right.”  He grinned at Finn and Finn nodded sharing the grin; the love of a good fight. 

“Thanks Phil.”  Rae gave him a quick hug before turning to Tom, “Thank you Tom.”  She hugged him tightly before taking Finn’s hand, Finn giving Phil and Tom a quick thank you before he let himself be led away by Rae, towards the car, parked in front of the pub a few blocks away.  Tom turned to Phillip.

“That was pretty decent of you.”  He said with mild surprise, “I know I wouldn’t be rushing to the aid of my rival.”

“I didn’t do it for him.”  Phil answered with a shrug. 

“Oh I know…” Tom answered, “Even so, you could have dawdled a bit, she wouldn’t o’ known and he would have gotten more hurt.  Which I assume you’d like?” 

“She hurts when he hurts.”  Phil answered with downcast eyes, “Plus any longer and that wanker would o’ gotten to her and hit her.”  Tom nodded thoughtfully and looked back towards the boxing joint.

“The three of you should just fuck, that’d solve everything.”  He shrugged, “But then most people aren’t like me, so maybe that’s bad advice.”  Phil looked at him with bemusement and slowly nodded his head.

“Bad advice.”  He told Tom. “Could you imagine Finn?”  He started to chuckle, “He’d try to beat the fuck outta me!”

“You do realise that’s a double entendre right?”  Tom asked drolly and Phillip chuckled as he realised what he’d said.  “Or it’d be a real good night for Rae when you both tried to fuck her better and harder and faster in a wonderful display of masculinity and one-upmanship.”  Tom shrugged, “Good advice for Rae.”  He started to walk back to the boxing joint, “Hell I should get you guys to fuck me!”  He laughed and kept walking without looking back at Phil who watched him walk away, an incredulous look on his face, slowly shaking his head.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Linger’ by The Cranberries _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Kspj3OO0s&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Kspj3OO0s&feature=kp)

 

Gary looked down at his fingers as they slowly did the buttons of his shirt up.  The shirt Kenzie had popped all the buttons on was in the bin and she was in the shower, gently humming to herself.  The sound of her voice humming brought a stillness to him and he closed his eyes to listen for a spell.  He slowly opened his eyes to see the broken skin on the knuckles of his right hand.  The feel of Janice’s lips on his cheek, the corner of their mouths touching, rushed at him.  All the emotion he had felt in that moment, everything he felt for her settled back into his chest painfully; right where it had been for the past few months.  He put his face in his hands and thought back to the pain in her eyes before she had turned and left. 

“How can you be thinking about Janice when your wife is in the ensuite?”  He berated himself quietly.  He sighed slowly, the sound coming from deep within as he tried to tell himself to stop thinking about Janice.  Even if just for a night.  He pulled his pants up as she emerged from the shower, gently drying her long hair.  It was much longer than it had been when she’d left.  They’d made love twice, barely saying a word to each other.  They stood on either side of the bed, looking at each other, both clearly wanting to speak, but not knowing what to say.  There was a loud bang downstairs; the front door had been slammed. 

“Sounds like Finn’s in a mood.”  Gary pulled a face and then saw the panic on Kenzie’s face. 

“Oh god.”  She moaned softly.  “Oh god, Finn.”  She sat on the bed, a towel wrapped around her and put her face in her hands momentarily. 

“It’s alright Kenzie.”  Gary sat beside her. 

“No it’s… it’s really not.”  She said miserably.  “Oh god.”  Gary could see that she was struggling with panic and wished he knew what to do. 

“He’s real keen to meet you.”  Gary soothed.

“Meet me?”  She said sadly.  “He shouldn’t be meeting me.”  She stood up and paced the room, “He should know me.”  She stopped, her face an agony of pain and grief, “Oh god.”  She shook her head, “I’ve made so many mistakes Gary.”  She whispered.  There was a loud banging from the kitchen and they both turned their eyes towards the slightly ajar door. 

“Everyone makes mistakes Kenz.”  He stroked her hair lovingly and she closed her eyes, taking in his touch gladly.  “We’ll work through ours yeah?”  She nodded slowly. 

“You better go see what’s wrong.”  She said softly.

“You better get your clothes on.”  He grinned lopsidedly and she laughed gently. 

“It’s not how I imagined this going.”

“Me either.”  He agreed and gently kissed her lips, her hands instantly went to his face. 

“I’ve missed you Gary.”  She whispered, “I’m so sorry.” 

“Oh Kenzie.”  He said sadly, “I’m sorry too.”  He stroked her hair gently.

“We’ll have to talk later.”  She said as they heard the kitchen tap turn on.

“Right.”  Gary got up with a grim smile, “I’ll go check on Finn.”  He gave her a lingering look before heading down the stairs. 

 

 

“I wish I’d stayed there and belted the shit outta those fucking cunts.”  Finn said through gritted teeth before spitting blood into the sink.  He held the icepack to Rae’s knuckles.

“Finn you gotta let me put this on your face.”  She said as calmly as she could. 

“What happened?”  Gary asked taking in the scene; a blood-stained t-shirt on the floor, Rae with ice on her hand, bruises on his son’s ribs, and he was spitting blood. 

“Nothing da, don’t worry.”  Finn answered crankily and Rae shot Gary an apologetic look before turning her eyes back to Finn. 

“Finn me wrist and knuckles don’t need this as much as your face does!”  She was exasperated and it showed in the way she pushed his hands off her swollen wrist. 

“Stop being daft!”  He ordered angrily and put the icepack back on her hand.

“Finn!”  She said firmly.  “You already had the bruising from Simmy, and now you got this…”

“I could’a fucking taken ‘em Rae.”  He said vehemently.

“I know Finn.”  She answered trying to get her calmness back.  “But I’m glad the fight stopped when it did.” 

“What.  Happened?”  Gary asked loudly, with an authoritarian tone.

“Just a fight.”  Finn answered testily, “Some fucking cunts hurt me girl.”  He looked back at Rae, “So I belted ‘em.”  Gary’s eyes turned to Rae.

“Are you alright Rae?”

“I’m fine!”  She snapped, “He’s not fine but.”  Kenzie entered the kitchen silently, staying near the door to the stairs and watching the scene in front of her. 

“It’s nothing.”  He answered and spat blood into the sink again. 

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”  Gary said firmly.  “You need-”

“Da, not now!”  Finn’s voice was impatient and angry. 

“Don’t use that tone son.”  Gary said gently, not really admonishing Finn. 

“I’m sorry da.”  Finn said in an angry tone, “I’m just fucking right pissed off.”  Rae decided to give up on getting the ice pack from Finn and instead decided to go to the freezer and get the packet of frozen vegetables for his face.  “Rae what are you fucking doing?”  He snapped as she pulled her hand away so she could reach the freezer. 

“I’m getting something for your face Finn!”  She raised her voice slightly.  She understood that his tone was not aimed at her and that he was just pissed off at those guys, but it was still grating on her nerves.  She turned towards the freezer and froze.  There was a woman standing at the door to the stairs.  Finn was still muttering and grumbling, swearing like a sailor.  She was beautiful and Rae was left in no doubt that this was Finn’s mother; it was obvious where he’d gotten his looks. 

“Finn.”  Rae said softly, but Finn was still muttering and he spat blood out again.  Gary looked back and saw Kenzie, wide eyed, watching the scene before her, clearly anxious. 

“Let me have a look.”  Kenzie said softly and Finn stopped, turning to see who had spoken.  The moment he saw her, he froze too, his eyes taking her in and instantly knowing who she was even though he’d been just ten years old the last time he saw her.  “Come on.”  She urged softly and motioned for him to sit down. 

“Mum?”  Rae felt her breath catch when she heard the vulnerability in his voice.  She turned back to Finn to see his eyes glued to his mother. 

“Sit down so I can take a look.”  She repeated but Finn was rooted to the spot.  She came over to him, her arms held open and he hugged her fiercely.  Leaving the icepack in Rae’s hand.  Rae put a hand up to her mouth and looked over at Gary tearing up.  But Kenzie didn’t stay in the hug long; she took Finn’s hand and sat him down. 

“Can someone get me a flannel?”  She asked softly and Rae went to the cupboard to get one, while Gary did a bowl of hot water.  “What did they do to you my boy?”  She asked soothingly and looked at his face closely.  Once Kenzie had the flannel she gently started to clean the blood off Finn’s face.  “Bandaids?”  She asked and Gary went to the medicine box in the downstairs bathroom and brought it out.  She used some disinfectant on his split eyebrow and then cut some strips off the bandaid, using them to hold the cut together.  Without a word she took the icepack from Rae and held it to the bruising around his mouth, while Gary got Finn a glass of water.  Rae watched as they moved around looking after an oddly silent Finn; his eyes still on his mother. 

“Right I think you get to spend the rest of the day in bed.”  Kenzie said gently, “And I’ll make you some cranachan.” 

“I haven’t had that in years.”  Finn said with an ache in his voice that brought tears to Rae’s eyes.  Kenzie turned her eyes to Gary.

“Might have known you’d let him forget his Scottish heritage.”  She teased, “So there’s no soaked oats in the house?”  She added with a wry grin and Gary shook his head in reply, “I’ll improvise.”  She turned back to Finn, “up to bed you.”  She ordered gently and Finn slowly got up and took Rae’s hand before heading towards the stairs.

“What-” Kenzie stopped herself from finishing the question and took a moment to gather her thoughts as Finn turned back to her.  Rae kept her eyes on Finn, ready to do whatever he needed. 

“What is it?”  Finn asked but Kenzie turned her eyes to Gary.  Gary smiled grimly and lowered his eyes.  “What?”  Finn asked confused and Kenzie turned her eyes back to him.

“Well you can’t take a girl up to your bed…?  Can you?”  She asked hesitantly and turned her eyes back to Gary.  Gary took a deep breath and Kenzie felt acutely out of her depth, “Didn’t we agree…?”  She asked haltingly.  Finn turned his eyes to his father.

“What’s this?”  He asked in a small voice.

“When you were little…” Kenzie thought back to being a mother at 16, how hard it had been, all the things she’d missed out on, but how much she’d loved her baby boy.  “We just agreed on some rules and… the way we’d raise you.”  She finished and lowered her eyes.

“We were going to be much stricter on you, than our parents were on us.”  Gary explained, “You were never getting a girl in your bed under our roof unless she was your wife.”  Finn turned his eyes to Rae and then back to his parents.

“Well-” Finn started to reply but Rae spoke over the top of him, wanting to stop the possible angry retort before it happened.  This was all new, it was bound to have some teething problems. 

“I’ll just go Finn.”  She said with a smile, “It’s fine.”  She stroked his face, “You’ve got some catching up to do.  Family time you know?”  She tried to disentangle her fingers from his but he held them tightly and shook his head. 

“No Rae.” 

“Rae as in Raymond?”  Kenzie asked with a furrowed brow as she took in Rae properly for the first time.  Rae acutely felt Kenzie’s eyes on her.  The pressure to impress Finn’s mother was intense and she felt every inch of her fat body as if it were throbbing painfully, drawing attention to itself as if to signpost how fat she was.  She had to physically work at not putting an arm across her stomach to cover herself and she felt so foolish for wearing a slightly tighter shirt and a skirt with no tights.  She lowered her eyes and Finn noticed the movement and turned to her, letting go of her hand and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. 

“Rae as in Rachel mum.”  Finn said softly.  Kenzie’s eyes finished their appraisal of Rae by lingering on the necklace around her neck. 

“Why is she wearing Gracie’s necklace?”  Her voice was filled with a numb pain that brought tears to Rae’s eyes and she looked away, not able to look at Kenzie for a moment longer.  She was aware that the necklace was originally intended to go to the first female grandchild, which would have been Grace.  The pain that seeing this necklace must have caused Kenzie stabbed in Rae’s stomach painfully. 

“Mum died.”  Gary told Kenzie about his mother’s death in a low voice, knowing that there was so much to catch up on.

“Oh god Gary… I’m so sorry…”  She shook her head, “I didn’t know…”

“And she gave it to Finn to… give to…” He turned back to Rae.  “His wife.”  He said with an accepting shrug and Rae turned her eyes to Gary in shock.  She hadn’t known that Gary knew the significance of the necklace.  She had supposed he probably did, but hearing him say it made her feel panicked.  Not because of Gary, he was a sweetheart, but because of Kenzie, and how she might take it. 

“His wife…?”  She took Rae in again, her face in shock.  “You’re-”

“No mum, she’s me girlfriend.”  Kenzie shook her head and looked away. 

“I’m sorry, I think I just need a minute to get my head together.”  She said softly, sitting down at the table, her eyes not focussing on anything. 

“You two go upstairs.”  Gary told them in a soft, firm voice.  Finn’s eyes lingered on his mother for a moment before he pulled Rae’s hand gently and led her from the room.  But he stopped on the stairs, listening intently to his parents speaking.  Rae felt her face burning and just wanted to get into his room and close the door behind them. 

“That probably didn’t go the way you wanted either.”  They heard Gary’s voice; tentative, worrying. 

“How often does he get into fights?”  Rae saw Finn lower his head with shame and gently put a hand on his shoulder, he turned to look at her silently as they listened to his father. 

“Not that often.”  Gary said slowly, “He’s been in a few more lately than I’d like.  But-”

“It’s my fault.”  Kenzie’s voice sounded broken, “he didn’t have a mother to teach him patience.”  They could hear her pacing the floor, “and that girl?”  Rae felt her face burning. 

“Rachel is very important to him.”  Gary explained.

“He’s 17 years old Gary!”

“18.”

“Oh god.”  There was a long silence.  “He’s too young for that kind of commitment.”

“Before I met Rae I would have agreed with you.  You know that.”  His words were carefully measured and Finn knew his father was trying to walk a tightrope between his son’s needs and his wife’s needs. 

“So what’s so impressive about her?”  Kenzie sounded so confused, “You were always adamant that you’d stop him making the same mistakes we did.”

“He won’t make those mistakes.”  Gary assured her, “I have complete faith in him Kenzie.”

“But the necklace Gary.” 

“Yeah that was a bit of a surprise.”  They heard a chair scrape along the kitchen floor and knew Gary was sitting down, “It’s taken me some time to come to terms with him being so committed so young.  But I know, beyond a doubt that she is the one for him.” 

“I don’t understand.”  Rae felt a lump in her throat.  Hearing this conversation was one of the most difficult things she’d done recently and she was not enjoying it.  “He needs to slow down, why aren’t you cautioning him?”

“I have.  Numerous times.  And Rae’s mother has also tried to slow them down.”  Finn slid his thumb over her hand slowly, in an attempt to comfort her, “there’s no stopping them Kenzie.”

“I’m not talking about stopping them.  Just…”

“Look…” His deep breath was audible, “They bring out the best in each other.  Finn’s getting the best marks he’s ever gotten at school, Rae’s self-esteem is very obviously improving.  I’ve watched him grow into a young man this past year.  I trust his decisions.  You should too.”  Finn turned to Rae and stroked her hair gently.

“I understand.”  Kenzie sounded deeply troubled and saddened, “I can’t expect to be gone for eight years and not get some surprises when I get back.  I just didn’t expect this, I suppose.  And I know I can’t expect to start being his mother again.  To have my opinion matter and be heard.”

“Of course your opinion matters.”  Gary’s voice dropped slightly and Finn leaned forward to hear, “Just go gently, go slowly.  And get to know Rae before you decide Finn’s going too fast.”

“She could be the most lovely girl on the planet Gary, and I’d still know he’s going too fast.” 

“Kenz-”

“Have you forgotten what it was like for us at that age?” 

“No.”  He answered with a firm voice.  Finn wasn’t used to how firm Gary was sounding lately, “How could I?  But it’s not the same for them.” 

“I’m just scared for him.”  Rae noticed that Finn was holding his breath, “guess I’m trying to make up for eight years of not being here for him.”  They heard her sniff and Rae watched Finn lean into the wall to hear better, “How will he ever forgive me?”  She sobbed softly.  Gary’s response was so soft that they couldn’t hear him and Rae gently tugged on Finn’s hand and he nodded, carefully, silently following her up the stairs. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Kathy’s Song’ by Simon & Garfunkel _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXxPzqk4dDU>

 

She sat down on the bed and watched him pace the room. 

“She seemed really nice.”  Rae said gently and Finn furrowed his brows.

“Aye.”  He answered feeling deflated.

“Can’t be easy coming back into this house…”

“I’m sorry for the way she spoke to you.”  Finn turned to her and she motioned for him to sit on the bed.

“She didn’t say anything bad Finn.”  Rae told him, “I think everything’s just a bit of a shock, that’s all.”

“Yeah I s’pose.”  He lowered his eyes in thought.  “I wouldn’t wanna be in her position.”  Finn conceded.

“So o’ course at first it’s gonna be tense or awkward.”  She built upon his concession and he nodded slowly.

“Yeah.”  He mused.  “I already told da that I didn’t really expect us to go back like we was when I was ten.”  He told her.  “But I still… somehow expected… no I wished that it would.”  He nodded his head slowly.  “I wished we’d all just be happy straight away.” 

“It’ll take some work.”

“Oh aye.”  Finn agreed his mind wandering over the thought of Janice slowly.  “Da’s got a lot of work to do.”  He sucked his bottom lip and Rae furrowed her brow.

“So does your mum.”  Finn shrugged slightly.  “She’ll always be me mum.”  He said enigmatically and Rae gave him a confused look.  He shook his head, not wanting to go into detail about Janice right now.  There was a knock on the door and Kenzie came in without waiting for a reply.  She was holding two bowls of ice cream; one on the crook of her arm, her free hand lingering on the door knob. 

“Ice cream will have to do tonight.”  She said softly.  Finn smiled encouragingly and took the bowls from her, handing one to Rae.  Kenzie watched him silently, lingering at the door.

“That’s not how I wanted this meeting to go.”  She shifted her weight and stood on one foot awkwardly.  Finn put the bowl up to his jaw, soothing the bruising there and nodded. 

“Me either.”  Finn looked as if he wanted to say more.  They stared at each other for a moment and Kenzie sighed.

“Oh Dia, de faod mi abair?”  She looked at him with desperate sorrow as she mumbled to herself. 

“Was that…?”  Finn asked intrigued.

“Our language.”  She smiled hopefully.  “I was asking myself what I could say to you…”

“I recognise it.”  He marvelled. 

“D’you remember any of the words or any phrases?”  He slowly shook his head in response to her question.  “I can teach you if you want?”  She looked at his face and smiled grimly, “Later though.  You need to rest.”  Her eyes fell to Rae.  Rae smiled reassuringly.  She looked around Finn’s room, her brows furrowing when she saw a hook screwed into the wall near the side of his bed.  Rae saw her eyes lingering on the hook and tried to think of something to make Kenzie look away from the hook before she figured out what it was for.  And then Rae’s stomach dropped as her eyes darted to the far wall where the three drawings of her were.  Finn saw her looking there and hurriedly stood in between the wall and his mother.

“Aye, you’re right, I should rest now.”  He said loudly, her eyes went back to Finn, “Rae can take care o’ me.” 

“That’s probably a good idea.”  Her eyes flitted back up to the far wall momentarily and then down to the floor, “I have to go and check in to me hotel room anyway.”

“Why are you not staying here?”  Finn asked as if it was a ridiculous notion for her to stay in a hotel.

“Cos ye dad and I aren’t ready for that Finlay McCay.”  She put a hand on his face.  “Don’na ask questions about things that aren’t ye business.”  She stroked his face, “Gary and I are between the two of us and not you, alright?”  Finn nodded slowly, “And that’s separate to what’s between you and me alright?”  Rae noticed that her gentle Scottish accent was getting stronger; it was like having Finn nearby made her more determined to embrace her Scottish heritage in order to teach him.  “I love you son.”  They hugged again, “I’m sorry.”  She whispered to him and he felt tears sting his eyes as he clung to her.  Eventually he let go of her and she kissed his forehead gently before leaving the room.  She didn’t close the door and Finn had to go after her to do so.  He leaned back against the door and put his hands over his face for a moment before sitting down next to Rae. 

“Are you alright?”  Rae asked and Finn shook his head, then nodded.  He looked at Rae and shrugged, unable to ascertain if he was in fact alright.  She wrapped his arms around him and he pointed at her ice cream.  She shrugged and he started to eat his while she hugged him.  “How’s your bruises?”

“Ah not too bad.”  He lied.  He always lied about how bad things hurt but she fixed him with a stern gaze and he capitulated, “alright they’re a little tender.”  She reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the bowl of ice cream and put it to his face.  “No!  Eat it!”  He laughed and then winced as his lip re-split slightly.  She gently kissed his lips, tasting his blood but not caring; she dearly wished her kisses could take his pain away.  He nodded to her bowl and she dutifully started to eat the semi-melted ice cream. 

“S’pose I better ring someone and tell them why we didn’t show at the pub.”  Rae said with a deep breath and Finn shook his head.

“Chloe and Rhys cancelled so we all did.”  Rae looked at him with concern.  “Ian came for Chloe.”  He explained, “I don’t know what happened, but she’s with Rhys and we’re all meeting for lunch tomorrow.” 

“I should call her.”  Rae fretted.

“Rhys kinda made it clear that she weren’t in any state to talk to anyone.”  Finn said apologetically and Rae nodded her head. 

“I can understand why.”  She agreed, “Well if she’s got Rhys there, he’ll know what to do.  He’ll look after her.”

“It’s nice having him around.”  Finn agreed.  “But I’ll feel better when we get to see her and you can know she’s ok.”  Rae took a deep breath and let it out loudly.

“What a fucking day, hey?”  She asked him shaking her head slowly, “First weekend after school starts and it’s fair to say it’s been… quite something.”  She said after a long pause.

“How are you going with all of this?”  He looked at her face astutely.  “You know, with me mum?”

“Oh…” She lowered her eyes, shaking her head.  She didn’t want to make a fuss.  “Fine.”

“Please don’t lie to me Rae.”  He said and gently stroked her hair off her face.  “This whole thing is gonna be hard enough without our communication breaking down.”  She looked up at him.

“I’m so grateful for you Finn.”  She whispered, “I’m so… lucky doesn’t even come close to it.”  He grinned and she kissed his lips very carefully, aware of how painful his bruises must be.

“Don’t change the topic Rae.”  His voice was firmer than he intended and he watched her lower her eyes with dismay.  “I’m sorry.”

“No it’s…” She got up and went over to his bookshelf.  The glass with the ash of his mother’s letter had been up on this side.  “I just felt real self-conscious when I met your mum.  That’s all.”  She reassured him. 

“Self-conscious how?”  He watched her go over to look at the drawings of herself on his wall. 

“I wondered what she must see looking at me.”  Rae looked at the way he had drawn the soft lines of her full figure.  She was horrified that Kenzie had seen these.  How could they ever look at each other again? 

“I’m guessing she sees you Rae.”  Finn answered and she turned to him with a sarcastic expression.

“Well obviously.” 

“But?”  Finn prodded, knowing there was more; there was always more.

“I felt… so ugly when she were looking at me.”  She shrugged, “it’s stupid.  I know.”  She looked back at the pictures he had drawn of her. 

“Well you’re not ugly.”  He told her firmly, his mind trying to grasp the thoughts he was having.  “You can’t let what someone else might think about you stop you from feeling beautiful Rae.”  He told her slowly, “and even if you know they think something bad about you, you always have to remember that there’s more to you than one thing, and that their opinion don’t matter more than your own opinion of yourself.”

“Yeah but me opinion of myself isn’t that good Finn.”  She answered sadly.

“I know.”  He answered with the same tone, “But we’re working on that, right?” 

“Aye.”  She turned back to him and he went to her, taking her into his arms.

“What me mum might or might not think about you doesn’t matter to me.  And it shouldn’t matter to you.”

“Oh Finn.”  Rae mumbled.

“What?”

“It feels weird you saying that what your mum thinks doesn’t matter.”  She answered his incredulous face.

“Why?”

“Cos she your family Finn!”  Rae answered surprised, “You’ve wanted her back since the day she left.”  Rae reminded him, “Family matters.”  She finished, lowering her face.

“Aye, they do.”  Finn agreed, “But I’m more than willing to do a Tom if the shit hit the fan here Rae.”

“Do a Tom?”  She asked disbelievingly. 

“Aye.”  Finn answered, “I’d cut both o’ me parents outta me life if it came to it.” 

“You don’t meant that.  They’re your parents… your family.”

“Rae, there’s nothing without you.  The only family I truly have is you.  The only time I don’t feel like I’m standing alone in this world is when you’re beside me.”  He stroked her face, marvelling at the softness of her skin as if it were the first time he’d ever touched her, “I’d choose you Rae.  I’d always choose you.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Not a Pretty Girl’ by Ani DiFranco _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cZ-nAfSkW4&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cZ-nAfSkW4&feature=kp)

 

She had spent the whole of Saturday night not able to get out of Rhys’s arms, terrified that to do so would mean that Ian would be there.  As if he were lurking in the house somewhere, as if the shadows were not shadows, but was Ian in hiding, waiting for her to not be in Rhys’s protective arms. 

She woke up on Sunday morning, still curled up in his arms.  He was awake, his eyes looking a little tired and she knew he had been watchful for her most of the night.  That or the nightmares she’d had had kept him awake. 

She sat up and disentangled herself from him.  He watched her silently as she got up from the bed and went to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her.  He sat up and called Finn to organise the lunch; her silence this morning had told him that she was ready to start talking to other people.  He could see the anger in her eyes and understood that she would refuse to take it easy, to be gentle with herself.  He understood that it was her way to surge forward.  And perhaps she would falter with this path, but it was her path to take, and he would back her 100%.  She needed to be angry, she needed to aggressively take back her life.  She needed her friends here.  He organised with Finn for a late afternoon lunch and hung up, knowing he’d ring everyone else.  He took a steadying breath; he’d just invited six people into his home and he needed a moment to mentally prepare for that.  He felt an anxiety gnawing at his stomach and stood up, going to the chin up bar across the door to his walk in robe.  Whenever he felt the anxiety he exercised. 

Chloe washed her hands and looked in the mirror at herself.  The bruise on the side of her face was painful and ugly.  She furrowed her brows and found that she couldn’t take her eyes off that bruise. 

“I am not a _victim_.”  She told herself in the strongest voice she could muster.  “I am _not_ a victim.”  She felt tears sting at her eyes and she rubbed her eyes angrily and caught her bruise painfully.  “FUCK!”  She blurted out loudly rather than let herself wince and cry.  She needed to punch something, needed to learn to fight better.  Needed to train harder. Every day. 

She looked back at her face, trying to swallow all of her rage.  She felt the way he grabbed her throat, always he grabbed her throat, controlling her breath, controlling her life.  She hadn’t let him get that close this time, but still she felt his hands on her again.  She needed to fuck.  She was sick of feeling all of their hands on her.  She needed to rip the crime scene tape off her body and tear down the flag that had been erected by those men on her flesh.  She violently wanted to reclaim herself.  She bitterly hated Ian for showing up now.  She had been doing so well, she had earned her peace of mind, she had worked so hard… and in a few minutes he had torn that from her.  She closed her eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths.

“I won’t let you take me from me.”  She told the memory of Ian in her mind.  She opened her eyes and saw her face again. 

Emotions raged inside of her, her skin crawling, her mind warring.  She tore out of the bathroom and saw Rhys on the chin-up bar.

“I don’t need you to hold me all night, you know?”  She spat angrily, “Like you’re some fucking knight in shining armour.  Staying awake and making sure I’m safe!”  He dropped from the bar and turned to her slowly.  “I don’t need some fucking hero!”  She yelled at him, “I’m not a victim!” 

“I know.”  He answered quietly and Chloe held back the tears his calm face brought up in her throat.

“I’m not a victim.”  She repeated and he nodded, “I don’t need you.”  She told him and he nodded again.

“You don’t need anyone but yourself Chloe.”  He told her as he slowly began to move to the point furthest from the door again.  “It wasn’t me that saved you from Ian.  You did that yourself.”  The wind suddenly swept out of her sails as she saw him settle back on the drawers, his palms leaning on the edge of the drawers as he leaned on them, so she could see his hands.

“That’s right.”  She said softly, “I did fight him off.”  She took a deep breath. 

“You don’t need anyone Chloe.”  He repeated, “But nonetheless I am here for as long as you want me to be.  You’re not alone.”  He repeated the words she had said to him and she nodded slowly, “I know you got this missy.  I know you can take all them fuckers down by yourself.  But you don’t have to do it alone.”  He gave her a reassuring smile, “And for me, it’s been nice to know someone’s got my back.  So just know, I got yours.”  Chloe sat with a thud on his bed.  “You are not a victim Ms Chloe Harris.” 

“I’m sorry.”  She whispered, tears coming to her eyes and he shook his head.

“You do what you gotta do.”  He replied with no hint of upset, “You can yell and scream at me as much as you need.”  He took a deep breath, “I can take it.”  She looked up at him and shook her head.

“I’m sorry about your car.”  She repeated. 

“Of all the things I’ve got to worry about right now, that is literally at the bottom of the list.” 

“Thank you for holding me all night.”  She felt guilty for yelling at him, but he seemed so unfazed. 

“It wasn’t just for you I’m ashamed to admit.”  He lowered his eyes, “you know I will do whatever you need, but last night… I also needed.  I was lucky that our needs coincided.” 

“You needed to hold me?”  She asked confused.

“Yes Chloe.”  He breathed, the emotion in his eyes piercingly painful.

“Why?”  He looked away uncomfortably.

“This event should not be about me and how I feel.”  He told her.

“Please tell me.”  She asked vulnerably.

“Last night,” He shook his head, “I just wanted you to be alright.  I wanted my arms to… to help you heal yourself.”  He looked up at her slowly, “I need for you to be alright.”  He told her, “Wherever you are in this world, whatever you’re doing… I need for you to be alright.  Because I love you.”  His fingers twitched and she realised he still wanted, needed to hold her, “I know that can’t always happen.”  He nodded slowly, “but I can do everything in my power to try and make it so.” 

“Rhys.”  She said softly, “You can’t make your whole life about keeping me happy.” 

“What’s the point of life if you can’t bring happiness to the people you love?”  He asked her honestly, “Not just happiness, but safety, respect, love.”  He took another deep breath, “I find myself wanting to look after you Chloe.” 

“But I wanna look after myself.”  She replied slowly, as if asking his permission and his brows furrowed in pain; that he had possibly ever done something to make her think she had to ask his permission for anything.  He looked down and gathered his emotions.

“The two are not mutually exclusive.”  He told her, “I understand how important it is for a person to be able to look after themselves.  I would never seek to take that power from you.”  Chloe nodded slowly, knowing he was telling her the truth.

“I understand.”

“I want to take care of you… as much as you’ll let me.”  She saw the vulnerability in his eyes; this was vitally important to him.  She couldn’t understand why, and she didn’t want to press the issue because she feared that the more he thought about it, the more likely he’d come to see her as just a bitchy broken little girl, and she’d lose him.  She couldn’t stand to lose him. 

“Teach me that move?”  She asked to change the topic and to make her feel like she could look after herself, to feel safe by herself again.  He knew which one she was referring to immediately.  The move that Gus had taught him, a headlock that cut off blood supply to the head.  You could kill someone doing it, or cause them brain damage. 

He sat down on the bed in a position to see his reflection in the mirror.

“Alright.”  He said softly, “I’ll teach you how to do it first, then I’ll teach you how to do it to someone who’s actively fighting you.”  She nodded in reply, her mind focussing; it was good to have a goal, something to think about other than the way Ian’s hands felt on her body.  “Kneel behind me.”  He ordered with a gentle voice.  She was used to taking training orders from him given in a much more commanding voice.

“Ok.”  She said softly and got into position behind him.  She looked at his face in the reflection and listened to his calm, soothing voice.

“There’s the jugular,” He ran his fingers down one side of his neck, “And the carotid artery.”  She ran her fingers down the other side of his neck, “the aim of the chokehold, or blood choke, is to stop the flow of blood to the brain.”  Chloe nodded carefully listening.  “This is called a rear naked choke.  Put your arm around my neck.”  He lifted his chin for her and she slotted her arm around his neck.  “Your elbow should line up with my windpipe at the front of my neck.”  He waited for her to position herself.  “Use your other arm to tighten this arms grip around my neck through squeezing.”  She started to tighten her grip, “Not yet.”  She instantly stopped and gave him an apologetic look.  “Your bicep should be on one side of my neck, your forearm on the other.”  She nodded, “And you use your other arm to control how hard this arm pincers my neck.  But Chloe,” He looked her in the eye in the mirror, “You’ll feel my muscles un-tense just before I lose consciousness.”  She nodded, her heart starting beat hard, “I need you to let go as soon as I _start_ to go limp.” 

“Alright.”  She nodded nervously. 

“Not once I’m down, not after I’ve been unconscious for a bit… as soon as I start to go limp.  Alright?”  She nodded slowly.  “Alright go.”  She hesitated.  “I trust you.”  He said softly, knowing his life was literally in her hands.  She’d asked him to teach her this move, to do this for her; and he simply did it, regardless of the danger to himself.  She swallowed hard and nodded before squeezing his neck tentatively, afraid.  “Tighter!”  He roared at her and she put her whole force into it, squeezing as hard as she could.  It seemed almost instantaneous, but really it had taken ten seconds before he had started to swoon.  She felt him fall sideways and let go, realising she should have let go sooner.  He fell off the bed to the floor.

“Rhys!”  She squeaked out and fell to her knees beside him.  Chloe hadn’t realised that the difference between starting to go limp and being completely unconscious would be a matter of seconds.  She felt panic rising up in her chest and was about to call an ambulance when he groaned and his eyes opened, unfocussed.  “Rhys?”  She stroked his forehead and he sat up looking around slowly. 

“Good.”  He said softly, “But you held on for too long.”  He rubbed his eyes and got up, sitting back on the bed, “if I was attacking you, hold on at least that long, if not a little longer.”  She looked up at him with wide eyes, not yet willing to get up off the floor.

“How dangerous is this?”  She asked, suddenly realising that if it only took seconds to put this huge man down, it would only take a few seconds more to seriously hurt him. 

“Very.”  He answered honestly.  “You can kill a person, or give them brain damage.”  She looked horrified.

“And you let me do that to you?”  She looked down at her arms; she hadn’t believed she’d be strong enough to do it.  And then a bigger realisation came to her, “you trust me with your life.”  She whispered.

“I do.”  His eyes held hers and his face softened, “D’you wanna try again?”  She shook her head. 

“I wanna use you for sex.”  He paused in mid-thought, his eyes going off to the side; she was in a very changeable mood today. 

“Alright, but I might need a min-” She dove on him from the floor, knocking him back onto the bed, her mouth on his as she raised his arms over his head and pinned him to the bed.  He grinned through the kisses; both of them knowing he wasn’t really pinned, but both of them enjoying the power play nonetheless.  But in the back of his head, Rhys already knew how this would end up, even as his body responded to her, his mouth opening as wide as hers to devour each other with kisses.  Chloe tore at his shirt; the shirt he’d been wearing yesterday, he had not undressed to sleep in case his nakedness would trigger her.  A button flew off and clanged against the wall, and Rhys kept his hands right where she’d put them, still above his head.  She started to kiss down his chest, violent flashes of her confrontation with Ian yesterday penetrating her mind; the feeling of helplessness, of victimhood settling in her stomach.  She felt her whole body clench up and screamed in frustration as she sat up, still straddling Rhys, her hands over her face.  She started to cry angrily and Rhys sat up, tentatively putting one hand on her shoulder.  But she pushed him away aggressively.

“Don’t fucking touch me!”  She jumped off him and ran for the door.  Rhys didn’t move; he watched her get to the door and stop, her ragged breath making her whole body move with each inhale, each exhale.  “I- I’m sorry.”  She said in a small voice, still facing the door.

“It’s fine.”  He slowly stood up, “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom, ok?”  Chloe heard him close the door after him and let out a sigh.  She knew he was removing himself from the scene for her, so his presence didn’t threaten her. 

“What is wrong with me?”  She asked her self angrily.  She left his room and went into the third bedroom; set up as a home gym and office; it was a mess of a room.  But there was a punching bag hanging from the ceiling.  She slipped on Rhys’s gloves; they were far too big for her, but she started to hit at the bag anyway, as hard as she could.  She grunted and yelled at it, she felt tears on her cheeks as she swore and screamed at the punching bag. 

Sometime later; she had no idea how much time later, she wearily collapsed onto the lounge and Rhys brought her a freshly made egg and salad sandwich.  She gratefully took it, but her hands felt weak and numb and she could barely hold it.  Gently, Rhys sat beside her and took the sandwich back from her, he cut it into more manageable pieces and handed her the plate back.  He’d also squeezed some orange juice for her.  She ate gratefully, the silence between them worrying her.  But even as she fretted she knew he was just giving her space, he was fine, he was always fine. 

“Weekend got ruined.”  She said apologetically and Rhys made a small thoughtful noise in the back of his throat.

“It’s not the weekend I would have asked for if I had a choice.”  He admitted, “But it’s not ruined.”  He smiled slightly, “You know how to knock me out now if I bang on too much.”  She laughed at his unexpected joke.  “So I’m thinking that today we might just hang about, do some reading, maybe watch a movie.  I got ‘The Dark Crystal’ out from the store.”  He watched Chloe’s mouth open in delighted surprise, “I remembered that you told me it’s your favourite from when you were a kid.” 

“It was.”  She answered in awe of his ability to remember things, she’d have to ask him about that sometime.  The only other person she knew with a memory like his was Phillip, and his parents had basically forced that upon him. 

“Then I think the gang should come and visit at about two.”  His east end accent was particularly broad when he said that with a cheeky grin but she sat bolt upright.

“But this is your safe haven.”  She whispered.  He nodded.

“Yeah.”  He said almost regretfully, “but,” His tone lightened, “You need to see your friends, and I like having you here… so…” He shrugged, “Guess I have to invite some people round.”

“I don’t need to see them.”  Chloe muttered and Rhys raised his eyebrows just slightly.  She knew he wouldn’t press her, it just wasn’t his way.

“Alright.”  He agreed with her, “What books do you wanna read?”

“Ok I do wanna see them.”  Chloe admitted, “But you don’t have to have your sanctuary be breached for me.”  She stroked his face gently and he smiled at her with such love; Chloe knew that no one had ever loved her as much as he did, not in her whole life. 

“It’s good for me to sometimes do things that I struggle with Chloe.”  He told her, “And besides, if I’m gonna have someone here, it’d be that bunch o’ losers.” 

“If we’re losers then you’re a loser with us then.”  She laughed. 

“Proudly.”  He agreed with a grin.  “I trust that group of people.”  Rhys told her, “I’ll be ok with them being here, as long as they don’t go wondering around too much.”  She saw him fretting slightly and kissed his lips gently.

“We’ll be fine.  As long as we’re together.”  She stroked his face, “You make me feel invincible and I’m scared of how I’ll feel when we break up.”  She confessed suddenly and he nodded his head slowly. 

“You feel strong.”  He told her, “Because you are strong.  It feels like this strength is invincibility because other men have liked to make you feel weak.  I simply let you feel what you feel.  Whatever that is.”  He stroked her hair tentatively, and when she showed no objection he continued.  “I doubt you will ever let yourself be made to feel weak again.”

“Ian did yesterday.”

“Yesterday he treated you like his victim.  That is a different thing.  People who are strong can still become victims.”  He told her passionately, “The strength is in surviving what this world and the people in it do to us.”  She put her arms around his neck gratefully and he wrapped his arms around her, “no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it takes; you’re a survivor Chloe.  You’re strong.”

“Please don’t leave me.”  She whispered to him gently and he held her tighter, feeling himself slipping deeper in to love with her.

“I don’t currently see a reason why that would happen Chloe, do you?”  He asked her honestly.  But she didn’t reply.  She just clung to him.  She saw plenty of reasons why he’d want to dump her.  “Perhaps you will outgrow me?”  He asked as she pulled out of the hug.

“You think I’d be the one leaving?”  She asked incredulously and he shrugged slowly.

“Neither of us can know what the future holds.”  He said with a sad smile, “So I can’t promise things like forever.  I’m not sure that you want that or not…?”  She shrugged, knowing that she did want it but not ready to say that out loud.  “Either way, I promise to do my best to make you happy Chloe.  And I promise to not do anything to give you reason to leave me.  And we love each other.  So hopefully those three things together will give us a long relationship.” 

“I really hope so.”  She felt oddly comforted by his outlook and philosophy.  Chloe started to think that there was something to be said for not throwing around vast concepts like forever; they were essentially meaningless words with no true understanding of what forever was, or what it took to make a relationship worth being in for such a long time.  All she’d wanted her whole life was to find her prince charming that would tell her that he’d love her forever; but she was starting to feel like forever was an empty promise.  What Rhys had said to her felt more like a forever promise than the word itself.  He was willing to work for her, to fight, to wait, to do whatever it took; and all with no guarantees. 

“What-” He started to ask but she shook her head.

“What did you go through that made you so wise, so young?”  Chloe watched him lower his eyes.

“I’m not wise Chloe.  I just try my best to learn.”  He raised his eyes to her, “My mother was wise.  But she was often forced to make decisions that… were difficult… for her survival.  For our survival.  And people mistook that for stupidity.”  He smiled gently, “She taught me well.”  Chloe watched his thoughtful face for a moment and looked over at the bookshelf.  There were a few new books added to the new shelf he’d attached to the wall.  She saw a writer she’d been meaning to visit for some time; he was one of Phillip’s favourites, and Rae quite liked him too. 

“Is that Qabbani?”  She asked nodding towards the bookshelf.  He looked over and nodded.  “Read it to me?”  He grinned and nodded.

“It was a gift from one of my friends.”  He told her, still grinning.

“The ones I haven’t met yet?”  She asked pointedly. 

“Those ones.”  He agreed with a wry grin, “Soon.  I promise.”  He told her as he went over to the bookshelf and took the book down.  “Just waiting for some of them to get back from overseas.”  He reassured her and she nodded in reply.  He sat back down on the lounge and she settled into his arms, feeling exhausted but at peace.  He started to read the introduction to the book; his deep voice rumbling through her body as she rested her head on his chest. 

“I should get you to do this more often.”  Chloe grinned, “Your voice is magic.”

“Not even past the introduction yet!”  He laughed.  But he kept reading without further comment, his rich voice adding depth and beauty to the already stunning words.  After several beautiful poems filled with a raw emotion and incredible wisdom that spoke to Chloe deeply, Rhys came to one poem that truly stood out for her, for both of them:

“I have no power to change you, or explain your ways.  Never believe a man can change a woman.  Those men are pretenders, who think that they created woman from one of their ribs.  Woman does not emerge from a man's ribs, not ever; it's he who emerges from her womb, like a fish rising from depths of water, and like streams that branch away from a river.  It's he who circles the sun of her eyes, and imagines he is fixed in place.”

 

 

“Shouldn’t you be prepping for the drama comp?”  Chloe asked as Rae threw her arms around Chloe’s neck before the front door was even fully opened.

“Are you ok Chlo?”  Rae asked with a deeply worried tone.

“I’m feeling a lot better than I was.”  Chloe answered honestly.  She looked back at Rhys who was standing in the doorway to the hall, nervously taking a few deep breaths.  She gave him a grateful and reassuring smile.  He returned the smile with a determined nod of the head.  It was a strange thing to see him look slightly anxious, but she watched him close his eyes and keep taking deep breaths; she guessed he’d been dealing with this for a great deal of his life and he’d managed to get a routine that worked for him. 

“Got postponed.”  Finn answered Chloe’s earlier question, “By a week.  Elsa did a ring around this morning to let us all know.” 

“Oh really?”  Chloe asked as she invited them in, “I wonder why?”

“Venue got damaged by lightening.”  Rae told her and shrugged, “So they’re repairing it for us apparently.  I say they should just move us somewhere else, but oh well.”  She looked around Rhys’s flat quickly and saw him heading to the kitchen.

“Drinks?”  He asked as he went into the kitchen.

“Brews all round lad!”  Rae replied with a big grin.  This flat was somehow perfectly Rhys.  The green lounge, the blue shelving stuffed full of books, the pristine white walls, the classic sleek, modern dining table, the overstuffed 60’s inspired armchairs.  “I love this flat.”  She told him when she went into his kitchen. 

“To be honest, you’re all my first guests in this place.”  He told her with a tight grin.

“How long have you been here you anti-social bastard?”  She joked and he chuckled, enjoying the way she never made a big deal of things like that, but seeing by the look on her face that she understood somehow. 

“I sold my house just over two years ago and bought this flat.”

“Why’d you sell a house for a flat?”  She shook her head.

“I hate gardening.”  He replied.  “I owned that house and this flat cost a lot less than that house, so I have a nice amount of money left over.”

“For the business!”  He nodded in reply to her. 

“Oi you splendid cunts!”  Chop said gleefully as he came into the kitchen, “bought some party pies and-”

“Chop, did Izzy tell you why we’re here?”  Rae asked him and he looked at her blankly.

“Late lunch?”  He asked and she gave Rhys a slight look before looking back at Chop.

“Ian came for Chloe.”  She told him.

“Oh fuck!”  He said with wide panicked eyes, “Is she alright?”  He looked out at the lounge room; Finn and Izzy were in there alone, Chloe had gone to the bathroom. 

“You’ll have to ask her Chop.”  Rae retorted and he pulled a face.

“Alright alright!”  He conceded.

“Chop, while I’ve got you, can I organise a quote from your mechanic to do some repairs to my car?”  Rhys asked in a low voice.

“What?”  Chop chuckled, “You let your precious baby get a scratch did you?” 

“It’s just a car.”  Rhys shook his head, “But it is a fucking nice car.”  He grinned.  “But yeah, Ian smashed it up.”

“Oh shit.”  Chop furrowed his brows, “How bad?” 

“I probably won’t be able to afford to get it fixed right now.”  Rhys shrugged as the kettle went off and the front door was opened to Tom and Archie.  Rae saw Chloe come to the kitchen door from the hallway, wanting to go through the kitchen before she saw everyone in the lounge room, but Chop and Rhys didn’t see her.

“I’m surprised you haven’t got insurance.”  Chop muttered.

“I do.”  Rhys answered as he filled the large pot of tea up and put several mugs on a tray.  Chop made a confused sound in the back of his throat.  “I can’t claim on it unless I have a police report about how the damage occurred.”  He told Chop in a dispassionate voice.

“Well get one.”  Chop said as if it were obvious.

“I can’t.”  Rhys answered. 

“Why?”

“Chop…” Rae tried to silence him when she saw Chloe’s sad face, the nasty bruise along the one side of her face standing out more than when Rae had first seen it. 

“It’s a valid question!”  Chop retorted.  But Rhys shook his head to indicate he wasn’t willing to talk about this topic any further.

“I suspect Chloe doesn’t wanna talk to the fuzz Chop.”  Rae told him and Chop made a face at her before realisation came to him. 

“How bad did Ian hurt her?”  He asked Rhys, but Rhys again shook his head. 

“It doesn’t matter if he didn’t even touch her Chop.  I wouldn’t wanna see Saul again, even if he were in jail and I were safely on the other side o’ the bars.”  She shrugged, “She don’t have’ta report it if she don’t want’a.”  Chop furrowed his brows, not entirely sure he understood, but accepting it anyway.

“Alright.”  He turned back to Rhys, “I’ll do the best quote I can.” 

“I don’t want mates rates Chop, you’ve got a business to run.”  Rhys told him, “Just give me a fair quote.” 

“D’you want me to go down and have a look now?”  Chop asked and Rhys shook his head.

“Today’s about Chloe.  Come back when she’s at school so we can have a chat about it.”  Chop nodded slowly, “Help me take these out.”  Rhys and Chop took the tea out to the lounge room and Chloe came into the kitchen.  Rae wrapped her arms around Chloe again. 

“I’ve gotta call the cops.”  Chloe muttered.

“No you don’t.”  Rae answered and looked into her eyes firmly, “Chloe you don’t have to.  Rhys would never-”

“I know.”  Chloe answered, “But I wanna look after him.”  She sighed. 

“He doesn’t require you to relive your trauma to look after him.”  Rae reminded her.

“I know Rae.”  Chloe hugged her fiercely, “but I need to do it for me too.”  She headed back towards Rhys’s room to call the police and Rae followed.

“No Rae, you can’t come.  No one comes into Rhys’s room.”  Rae furrowed her brows and smiled awkwardly as she made a confused sound.  “I know his reputation suggests otherwise, but it’s true.”  Rae nodded her head.

“O’ course it’s true.”  Rae replied, “I’ll meet you in the lounge room yeah?”  Chloe nodded and slipped back through the door while Rae went through the other door to the lounge room.  Everyone was waiting tensely as Rhys served up tea.  Chloe came in a few minutes later and was greeted by several intakes of air.  Archie was up and hugging her before anyone else.  Rhys and Rae shared a concerned look as everyone crowded around Chloe.  Finn stayed next to Rae, having already hugged her and not wanting to crowd her. 

“I brought you some o’ this.”  Archie said as he took the St Johns Wort out of his pocket.  “Just dab it on the bruises and they’ll go down quicker.”  He gave an encouraging smile.

“Thanks Archer.”  She said gratefully and looked down at the little bottle. 

“Alright everyone.”  Rae said protectively, knowing that Rhys wouldn’t speak for Chloe unless she asked him to.  Slowly everyone settled into the comfy chairs and an awkward silence settled over them. 

“I think we should stay in pairs at least.”  Rhys finally said, “For all of our safety.”  He looked pointedly at Finn’s face and everyone turned curious eyes to him but he shrugged in response. 

“I’m fine.”  He finally said, “We should be thinking about Chlo.”

“Can’t we just go over to Ian’s house and beat the shit outta him?”  Chop asked sincerely, “that’d get rid of ‘im.” 

“No cos I called the cops.”  Chloe said, “And if anything happens to Ian now, they’ll think it were us.”  Rhys’s brows furrowed and he bit his bottom lip in concern.  Chloe saw his face and shrugged, “Needed to.”  She told him, but he kept his eyes on her for long enough for Chloe to know that he knew when she was lying.  She took his hand, “I needed to.”  She said more firmly and he nodded his head slowly, worrying that her motives had been more about him than her.  “Anyway they’re coming over to look at the damage to your car and to do an interview with me.”  She shrugged. 

“Well it’s good you’re talking to the cops right?”  Archie said, “Get him put in jail.” 

“I hope so!”  Chloe said with a light grin.  She looked up at Rhys and saw a strange, unreadable expression on his face.  “What do you think?”  She asked him and he looked reluctant to answer.

“I distrust the system.”  He answered carefully, “Perhaps I’m not the best person to ask.”  He didn’t want to take away her hope, but he knew there was no way Ian would see the inside of a jail cell. 

“Let’s change the topic.”  Chloe answered, seeing that unreadable look on his face was not changing. 

“Ayup fucker, you must be getting keen to head home?”  Chop asked Rhys and Rhys shook his head.

“Nigeria is not my home.”  He said with a strange look, “I was born here, I have never left England.  This is my home.”

“Oh sorry, I meant… like the home of your family.”  Chop grinned and Rhys gave him a wan smile.

“England is home to all the family I’ve ever known.”  Rhys corrected, but decided to throw him a bone when he saw the look of worry on Chop’s face, “it is home to the family of my family though.”  Chop nodded gratefully.

“Right.”  Chop chuckled, “it must be exciting to be going?”

“I’ve cancelled.”  Rhys answered emotionlessly. 

“What?”  Chloe asked shocked, “Why?”  She shook her head, “When did you do this?” 

“I’ve cancelled going to Nigeria.”  He answered her questions, “Because I am needed here, and that is more important to me than finding my possible relatives.”  He put a hand on her knee gently and Chloe felt her insides grow simultaneously warm with his love and saddened for him, “and I did it last night as you slept.” 

“I wouldn’t go either.”  Finn backed Rhys.  Chop considered this and nodded slowly to denote his agreement. 

“Yeah.”  Tom agreed as Archie nodded his head too.  Chloe turned her eyes to Izzy and Rae.

“Don’t look at me I’d be out the fucking country.”  Rae joked, breaking the solemn mood as everyone started to laugh. 

“Yeah same.”  Izzy said with a grim smile, “you’d be on your own Chop.”  Chop chuckled merrily, knowing it wasn’t true.

“Right well now we know who to trust.”  Tom joked, “And onto me getting dragged outta work yester to save his arse!”  He nodded at Finn and everyone gave a curious look.

“I could’ve taken ‘em!”  Finn rolled his eyes.

“What happened?”  Izzy asked, her eyes turning to Finn’s bruised face.

“Phillip of all people, came running into the boxing joint to grab me cos Finn were in trouble.”  Tom shrugged, “Wanna tell me what it was about now?”  Finn sighed and looked at Rae.

“Did you and Phil fuck up the car beforehand?”  He hadn’t had the chance to ask her yet.

“Yeah a little.”  She answered, “A while back these twats threw a coke can out of a car at me.”  She explained to the gang.

“Left a huge bruise.”  Finn added.  They told the story like this, adding to each other’s version of events until they got to Tom’s involvement.

“Left my client standing there while I ran off.  Told ‘em I’d be 5 minutes.  Had to discount half the lesson cost.”  He shook his head chuckling, “Try to get your arse kicked between clients next time!”  He joked. 

“I’ll do me best!”  Finn responded with a grin.  There was a knock on the door and Tom, closest to the door got up to answer. 

Dee Dee stood at the door in a skimpy black number this time and looked him up and down with an appraising eye. 

“Is Rhys here?”  She asked him with an appreciative smile. 

“Dee Dee.”  Chloe saw the moment of strain before he smiled broadly and went to the door.  Tom stepped back and gave him a cocked eyebrow.

“I saw your car in the car park and I just came to see if you were ok?”  She looked him up and down hungrily and everyone exchanged glances and tried to not chuckle as Rhys replied politely.

“You’re very kind Dee Dee, I’m fine.”  He answered and she looked in at all the people before looking back at Rhys.

“Looks like someone has it in for you.”  She said with a worried voice but before Rhys could reply he saw the police coming down the hallway behind her. 

“Officers.”  Rhys said with a welcoming smile before opening the door for them to come in, “Sorry Dee Dee, we’ll have to chat later.  Goodbye now.”  He closed the door before she had chance to talk and Chloe notice his hands ball slightly before he took a deep breath and she realised what a mistake she had made, inviting even more people into his home.  She gave him an apologetic look before standing to introduce herself to the police officers. 

After explaining that she was fine with her friends staying she told the officers everything that had happened.  Rae sat beside her and put a hand on leg comforting her while Rhys sat on the other side of her, Chloe’s hands squeezing his tightly.  They asked some questions for clarification and went down to the underground tenant’s car park with Rhys and Chop to look at the damage to the car. 

They returned and asked a few more questions while Chop shook his head, bemoaning the damage to Rhys’s car with a low muttering to himself.

The officers left and the gang crowded in to comfort her, but Chloe felt strangely fine and quickly changed the topic

 

 

Everyone left around dinner time, but Chloe rang home and told her parents she was staying at Izzy’s house for another night.  Her mother asked her about the glass in the driveway and Chloe decided she’d tell her parents when she got home.  Her and Rhys cooked a meal and settled down to watch ‘The Dark Crystal,’ Rhys leaned back on the lounge and Chloe lying on top of him, his arms wrapping around her easily. 

“I’m sorry I invited the cops into your safe haven Rhys.”  She mumbled guiltily and looked back at him he gave her a small smile.

“I know why you did it Chlo.  It was more about my car than your needs.”  She furrowed her brows, “Please don’t do that again.”  He watched her lower her eyes and gently added, “Inanimate objects are never more important than your needs.” 

“You love that car.”  She said back slowly. 

“I love you.”  He said firmly, “A lot more than I could ever love any thing.”  He stroked her hair, “That car is an object, you are a person.  If I ever make you feel like you are secondary to any of the objects I own please punch me square in the face.”  She chuckled.

“Deal.” 

“You think I’m joking but I’m not.”  He said with a grin, “Even if for just a second I make you feel less important or less loved than any item I own.  Hit me.  Hard.” 

“I will!”  She bit her bottom lip, “What do I do when I make myself feel that way?” 

“Come talk to me and I’ll set you straight.”  He laughed.  “But really, mention this to your therapist.  A lot of women think of themselves in terms of objectification.  They see themselves through the eyes of men.  Women are constantly aware of how they must look to those watching them.” 

“My whole life I’ve been conscious of how I must look to other people.”  She said softly. 

“Our society unconsciously raises girls to be prizes for men.  That’s why you thought my car might be more important than you.  I worked hard to be able to afford that car.  It was most definitely a prize after all that effort.  You are not a prize Chloe.”  He stroked her hair as she settled back onto his chest, “You are not an object.  You are a human being.  I work hard to earn the privilege of sharing your time, my time… together.” She enjoyed the feel of his big hands stroking the hair at her temples gently, “it’s a privilege to share parts of our life together, not a prize.” 

“We all see ourselves as objects.  Pretty baubles for men to own.”  She whispered slowly, “That’s why Rae thinks she’s not pretty enough and I freaked out about what to wear last year… and Izzy… that’s why Izzy felt ugly when she lost her hair.  Even though she weren’t.”  She grabbed one of his hands and wrapped his arm around her comfortingly.  “We put more emphasis on how we look than who we are, cos we’re shiny prizes to be won by men.”

“Think of all the childhood stories you’ve watched.  Even this one.”  He nodded towards the tv, playing ‘The Dark Crystal,’ “the story follows the trials of a male.  After all his suffering, at the end of it, he wins the girl.”  Chloe nodded her head slowly, “They’re not all like that and some of them give the female more of a storyline than others, but most movies follow that general line.” 

“Holy shit.”  Chloe said slowly, “I can’t even think of a movie that doesn’t.” 

“‘Never Ending Story.’”  Rhys grinned, “But it’s still about males.”

“White males.”  She said softly and Rhys nodded. 

“I’m sure the industry will change as people become more aware of the stories we tell each other and of how important representation is and things like that.  But there’s a long way to go.” 

“But if all you see as a child growing up is girls being prizes… my mother’s a trophy wife!  Oh my god!”  Chloe sat up in realisation, “I’ve been groomed to be a prize.”  She always thought she’d get some fit lad and be his beautiful wife, she’d be his.  If she was lucky, he’d be well off and she’d be his good looking wife to show off.  “Ugh.”  She said in disgust.  That’s exactly what her mother was.  She settled back on to Rhys’s chest, “That’s why they don’t want me with you.”  She whispered, “Because the son-in-law is their prize.  He’s the prince charming that managed to win me from all the other interlopers.”

“And a black man can’t be a prince.”  Rhys agreed, “To be fair most people don’t realise that these are the relationship myths they live with.  They never question the way relationships are formed and how norms came to be and where the expectations we have come from.” 

“Wow.”  She marvelled slowly.

“So where we began Chloe, is that you are far more important than anything I own.”  He kissed her on the top of the head, “Fly kick me in the face if I ever make you feel otherwise.”  She laughed and kissed his hand gently, her eyes falling to the television set.  “And can I ask you, that while this is my flat, that you please talk to me before you invite people in?”  He said softly, “Obviously if I ever make you feel unsafe call the police, but in this instance I would have liked just a bit of a warning.  It was quite difficult to have so many people here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No it’s fine, I just need more preparation time than that.”  He told her, “If we ever have a place that is ours, we will set the rules of that house together.  But here, in my flat, please just talk to me before inviting anyone in.” 

“I understand.”  She looked up at him, “I wouldn’t want a whole bunch o’ people just coming into my room without first knowing.  And thank you so much for having the gang here for a bit today.  It really helped.”  He nodded.

“It was nice having them here.”  He reassured her, “I think I should invite them around more often.” 

“Just make sure you give yourself plenty of prep time.”  She tried to support his needs and he grinned happily.

“I will.”  They watched the movie in silence for a while. 

“Do guys have the same kind of pressure girls have?”  Chloe asked him and Rhys considered this for a moment.

“Gender roles affect us both.  There’s a kind of toxic masculinity prescribed to boys, you know; you’re a girl if you cry… things like that.  It’s oppressive, but I feel that the oppression women suffer because of gender roles is worse.”  He shrugged, “But I’m not really the one to talk to about it.  You need a good feminist like my mate Aiyana, she can talk you through it all.  Or Nikki, she’s good too.” 

“Why not you?’  Chloe asked a little sulkily.

“Cos I’m a man.  I’ll never understand it properly.”  He started to stroke her hair again.  “I can empathise though.”

“You know what oppression is.”  Chloe replied and he nodded.

“Hm.  But it’s different.”  He agreed. 

“So it’s like I could never understand your oppression properly.”  She said, “Cos I’m white.” 

“Yeah, but you empathise.”  She nodded in reply and felt acutely aware of all the things that divided people.

“I wish none of that stuff mattered.”  She muttered, “Wish we were all just equal.”  Rhys made a small noise that she could have been agreement, but she couldn’t tell.

“Unfortunately we don’t live in that world.  Better to be aware o’ that.” 

“How am I gonna cope with your friends if they’re more political than you?”  She asked glumly and he chuckled.  “No I’m serious.  I’m not smart enough for all this stuff Rhys.” 

“Smart is a difficult concept to nail down Chloe.  Smart by whose definition?  And nonetheless you’re proving constantly that you are indeed smart enough for it.”  She looked up at him, “Don’t doubt yourself.”  She sighed glumly before looking away. 

“Even your reassurance makes me question my whole definition of the world.”  She answered and he shifted slightly so he could look at her face.

“Tom used to say that I was very difficult to be with because I never let him have any mental down time.”  He said softly, “I guess I’m constantly thinking and questioning.  There’s plenty of things about me that I want to change or that I have under control… this isn’t one of those things.” 

“I don’t want you to change.”  Chloe said, “If I need mental down town I’ll go chill out with Tom!”  She grinned, “I just wish I already knew all this stuff.  I’m embarrassed that I had no idea about… any of it.  I’ve heard people say some fucked up shit before Rhys… but I had no idea how bad it were… the idea of you getting stopped and searched by the filth while you was jogging… and I saw the way those cops today looked at you.  Their first impression was that you gave me this bruise.”  She shook her head sadly.  “I just had no idea.  And I hate that about myself.” 

“No one knows everything Chloe.”  Rhys reassured her, “Our knowledge and lives are made up by the things we experience.  It’s alright to have new experiences.  It’s alright to not know things.  It’s what you do with new knowledge that matters.”  He thought for a moment about how frustrating it was to always be explaining his experiences to white people and tried to frame it in a way that would be helpful, “it does suck as a black man to be constantly educating white people.  But it sucks more that most of them don’t believe me.  That neighbour in London who was out to warn you all about me… he’ll go back to his life and not think one bit about the things I told him.  He won’t hear it, he won’t believe it. So… when I’ve got the patience to explain my experiences…. I’d much rather tell someone like you, who listens than that prat.  Problem is, it’s always prats like that that I end up having to defend myself against.” 

“Should’ve just hit him.”

“I’d’ve been in jail quick smart missy!”  Rhys chuckled.

“I’d say I did it.”  She grinned, “Cute blonde girl… don’t we get away with everything?”  Rhys laughed and shook his head.  “I’ll take the blame for all your crimes Rhys.”  She grinned.

“Lucky I’m not intending to commit any.  Unless I come across Ian in a dark alleyway.”  Chloe’s grin fell slightly at the mention of his name. 

“Would you hurt him?”  She asked tentatively, “For me.” 

“I think you can safely guarantee that I’d hurt him Chloe.”  Rhys answered, “Unless you asked me not to.”  He stroked her face, “but the police are aware of this situation now.  Which means…”

“They’ll suspect you straight away.”  She finished his sentence and looked away.  “D’you think Jules and all those security men he’s got…?”

“If I were to ask this of Jules, Ian would disappear.”  Rhys said. 

“I thought Julian weren’t a killer?”  Chloe asked with wide eyes.

“Who said anything about killing?”  Rhys replied, “Sometimes a man just chooses to get lost.  Permanently.” 

“They’d suspect you.”  Chloe shook her head.  “I just have to hit training harder.”  She decided, “Kick his arse every time he comes for me until he gets tired of it.” 

“Shall we increase your training from three times a week to six, then?”

“Seven.”  Chloe answered with determination.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Animal Nitrate’ by Suede _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7mEB2wnDLQ>

 

_Dear Rae_

_I want to taste you, to run my fingertips along your curves._

_I want to feel the silk of your hair on my skin._

_I can just imagine your body pressing against me._

_I so desperately want to worship you._

_You are so beautiful._

_I know you’re with Finn, so I won’t ever bother you._

_But you should know you have options._

_A lot of options; even ones you might have never thought of before._

_Love forever from_

_A secret admirer._

Rae felt her heartbeat speed up.  She looked around the hallway with wide panicked eyes. 

When she had opened her locker an envelope had dropped out.  She opened it expecting something from Finn, or the gang…

 

 

Finn slammed Phil against the lockers in the change room.  Phil was only in his underwear and the metal was cold against his back. 

“The fuck?”  He asked angrily, pushing Finn away.  But Finn pushed him back into the lockers, Macca rolling his eyes and getting the rest of the class to back away and continue to get changed for class. 

“You send her a fucking love letter?”  Finn accused angrily.

“No.”  Phil answered with genuine disgust, “That’s not my style!”  He pushed Finn back hard and Finn stayed back this time, Phil got his back off the lockers and looked Finn up and down dismissively, “You’ve been watching my style for the past few months.”

“Yeah chasing after a girl who’s taken, reading her poetry and giving her gifts… hasn’t worked.”

“So what, you think I moved on to a fucking love letter?”  Phil shook his head, “Does it have my name on it?”

“It’s anonymous.”

“Right so you blame me.”  Phil gave him a dirty look and turned back to his locker.

“Why don’t you care about this?”  Finn asked with a loud hiss.

“Why would I?”  Phillip shook his head, “You and I both know she’s the most beautiful woman on the planet.  I’m sure she’s got a lot of admirers.” 

“Yeah like Saul.”  Finn shot back and Phil froze.

“Oh fuck.”  He whispered and turned to Finn.

“So you can imagine how scared this made her.”  Finn told him like he was an idiot and Phil nodded.  “He’s still out there.” 

“I wouldn’t… it wasn’t me.”  Phil said honestly with no defensiveness.  He watched Finn deflate with worry and look away nodding slowly.  “What can I do to help?”  Finn pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to Phil.

“Any ideas?”  He asked as he sat down on the bench with a thud.  Phil looked at the pink envelope and took out the carefully folded letter, written in beautiful cursive writing, a faint floral smell wafting from the creamy paper. 

“This was written by a girl Finn.”  Phil told him and Finn furrowed his brows at him.

“You what?”

“I hate to perpetrate gender stereotypes here, but you name a lad in this school who wears floral perfume.”  He put the paper to Finn’s nose.  Finn breathed in and scoffed.

“Fucking hell.”  He marvelled and Phil read the letter.

“It says she’s got options, even options she ‘might have never thought of before.’”Phil raised his eyebrows at Finn, “Your girlfriend’s got a girlie admirer.”  He handed the letter back and Finn looked down at it with a less panicked eye.

“You could get a threesome going.”  Macca said tentatively, hoping the argument was over.

“No.”  Finn answered sternly. 

“And if she’s really interested in girls Macca, she’s not gonna want him near her.”  Phillip shook his head in bemusement.  “She’ll want Rae all to herself.”

“Wonder who it is?”  Macca took the letter from Finn and sniffed it.  “Well whoever it is, this is fucking hot!”  He grinned and handed the letter back to Finn who frowned.  It wasn’t hot when he had to try and calm Rae down in the disabled toilet.  It wasn’t hot when he had felt panic rising in his own chest.  And just because it was a girl, it didn’t make her not dangerous. 

“I don’t think it’s hot.”  Phil said shaking his head in warning to Macca before turning back to his locker. 

“You’re too straight-laced Philly lad.”  Macca laughed and Phil sighed, he couldn’t bring himself to brag about his not so straight-laced time in London even though sometimes he really wanted to.  He thought that around the right people and at the right time he might brag a little.  But now was not the time. 

“Yeah that’s me.”  Phil answered sourly, “Worried about a woman that we all know had a stalker last year and how she might react to something like this.”  Phil turned to look at Macca, “Aren’t I the worst?”  Finn furrowed his brows.  He didn’t like this; he was really glad to have Phil backing him up right now. 

“Well…” Macca stammered, “Well when you put it like that…”

“When I put it like how it is?”  Phil asked and Macca nodded, defeated.

“Yeah I s’pose.”  He looked away guiltily and Phil closed his locker, pulled some clothes on and headed out to the PE class without another word.

“That fucker got hardcore over the summer break.”  Macca said to Finn before following.  Finn turned to his own locker to get changed.

“Fucking Dillip.”  He muttered slowly.  “I hate that guy.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Teflon’ by Jebediah _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2YVr9Iy3go&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2YVr9Iy3go&feature=kp)

 

Finn had the last two periods of Monday free and the lads had all decided to do an intense session at the boxing joint gym every Monday afternoon.  They’d all made the girls promise to stick together when they walked to the gym to meet them, and they felt fairly confident that the girls would do so. 

Chop and Finn got there first and changed quickly, ready to get to it.  But seeing no Archie anywhere, they decided to wait and pass the time with Rhys, who was between clients.  They decided that the time had finally come to rib their instructor about his love life. 

“So Rhys man!”  Chop grinned broadly, “Chloe hey?”  He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“Yes?”  Rhys replied deadpan.

“Getting some of that action!”  Chop nodded and Finn shook his head and laughed at Chop.

“Yes.”  Rhys replied wiping sweat from his brow with a towel and starting to set for his next client. 

“So how is Chloe?”  Chop kept trying.

“Excellent.”  Rhys responded, aware of what they were trying to get out of him, and hiding a small grin.

“I don’t think Rhys is a bragger Chop.”  Finn scrunched his nose.

“Not without a lot more alcohol under my belt.”  Rhys allowed the grin to show, “But mostly I don’t brag.”  He added with an apologetic shrug.

“He’s probably had so much pussy he don’t need to brag.”  Chop said with an unimpressed face.  Rhys pulled a face at him.

“Women are not just vaginas Chop.”  Rhys answered and continued to work through all the machines for his next client.

“I know.”  Chop said with a frown.  He thought about making a crude joke about the other body parts they had but thought better of it. 

“And I’ve had more male than female lovers… and quite a few intersex lovers too.  And some who didn’t-”

“Intersex?”  Chop scrunched up his face and Rhys sighed.

“Go to a library Chop.”  He answered and shook his head. 

“Yeah yeah.”  Chop muttered and looked to Finn to see if he knew what intersex meant and Finn shrugged.  “Point is, you’ve had plenty of girly action!”  Chop grinned and Rhys rolled his eyes.

“A lot more laddy action though.”  He replied.

“Aye but one o’ your lady lovers was Elsa.”  Finn said with raised eyebrows, “That counts for like 400 lovers.” 

“More.”  Rhys answered with a slight grin and Chop and Finn laughed as Rhys shook his head, “I shouldn’t have said that.”  He muttered. 

“Oh so you’ll brag about Elsa?”  Chop asked and Rhys bit his bottom lip in consideration. 

“I would too if I’d been there!”  Finn laughed.

“Oh yeah!”  Chop agreed.  Rhys eyes them both carefully.

“It’s quite an… experience… to be Elsa’s lover.”  He said in measured tones, “It’s quite a privilege.  I learned a lot.”

“I bet.”  Finn shook his head.

“You almost sound envious mate?”  Chop asked with a surprised grin.

“Nah!”  Finn said honestly, “I got Rae, and I’m learning plenty with her.  But with Rae, it’s through exploration.  Which I love.”  He said firmly, “But with Elsa you’d learn a lot through schooling I imagine.” 

“Oh yes.”  Rhys agreed with a strange look in his eye.  “I already knew quite a lot before I went to her.  And we did explore together.  But always she knew more.”  He smiled reminiscently, “If you ever have the opportunity and the privilege to be invited into her bed.  Take it.”  Rhys said this with no hint of bragging, “Assuming that your personal circumstances allow for that.”  He added, “I forget you’re both in monogamous relationships.” 

“What, and you’re not?”  Chop asked confused.

“No.”  Rhys answered.

“But Chloe… she deserves-”

“To have everything she wants.”  Rhys said with a happy grin, “So I’ll oblige her as much as I humanly can.”  Chop looked confused but Finn nodded his head, understanding; he had looked up polyamorous after Elsa had told him that’s what she was.  He had a feeling Rhys and Chloe were embarking on something like that. 

“Good for her.”  Finn answered supportively, “And you.”  He nodded.  Rhys chuckled; he didn’t need or seek anyone’s support or approval, but Finn was so earnest he couldn’t help but appreciate him. 

“Thanks.”  He answered wryly.

“So are you still banging Elsa then?”  Chop asked, still confused and very defensive of Chloe, “As well as Chloe?”

“No.”  Rhys answered slowly, “I haven’t been in Elsa’s bed since I decided to start pursuing Chloe.” 

“Hard bed to leave?”  Finn asked tentatively and Rhys nodded slowly.

“Yes.”  He grinned, “And no.”  He sat down on the weights bench and looked at the philosophically, “It’s not in my nature to close one door in order to open another.  That’s a metaphor Elsa gave me about the way both of our sexualities work.”  He scratched his arm slowly as he considered this, “I normally have multiple lovers.  But Chloe is not yet comfortable with me sleeping with others.  And I want Chloe.  So I desist as she wishes.  Which is easy enough to do for her.” 

“Well maybe she wants monogamy then mate, and you shouldn’t try to push her into not having it.”  Chop said sternly and Rhys laughed.  Chop gave him a dirty look, “What?”

“It’s such a sign of male arrogance to think that it’s always the men leading the way with sex.”  Rhys said with a grin, “This is Chloe’s decision, not mine.”  Chop gave an unconvinced look and Rhys shrugged.  “Perhaps, if Chloe ever decides I can, I’ll go back to Elsa’s bed on occasion.”  Rhys kept on grinning at Chop’s unamused face, “But if not, then I have made my decision and I am comfortable with it at present.  And Elsa won’t miss me.  She has many diversions; she’ll hardly notice I’m gone.” 

“Wait so… Chloe wants to fuck other guys, and you’re ok with that?”  Chop asked incredulously. 

“Should my fragile masculinity be threatened by it?”  Rhys teased and Chop gave him another dirty look. 

“It’s not like that!”  He answered.

“Then how is it?”  Rhys asked seriously, “If Izzy needed to be with another man for a night to feel happy or complete, what would you do?”  He asked sincerely and Chop scrunched up his face.

“I’d let her.”  Finn said softly, “I mean ‘let’ isn’t the right word, it’s not really up to me.  I don’t own Rae.”  Rhys turned his eyes to Finn and Chop sneered at him.  Finn blushed slightly, “I mean… of course I’d prefer it if she didn’t wanna do that.  I’d like to be that special one, you know…”  He narrowed his eyes in thought, “But lately I been thinking about that and… I am that special one.  Even if I’m not the only one.”  He nodded his head slowly and Rhys smiled encouragingly, watching his friend come to terms with loving completely selflessly.  “And no one can be everything to another person.  That’s just unhealthy.  And I know we kinda expect that though, but it’s a shite idea.  Like you’ll never need another person?  That’s not true.  I love Rae, but she’d never be able to give me the kind of advice Rhys can.  I need Rhys in my life.”  He nodded towards Rhys, “He gives me something Rae can’t.  There’s always other people in your partner’s life.  They give them things that they need, emotional, mental… Rhys gives me physical things that Rae can’t too.  Why are we so hung up on sexual?”  Finn asked with a shrug as if he was asking himself that too.  “If I can handle that Chloe gives Rae an emotional thing that I can’t… why am I caught up with the idea that someone else might be able to give her something sexual that I can’t?”  He shook his head, “Cos the emotional stuff matters a lot more to me than the sexual stuff… so why…?”  He seemed so confused.

“Our society has a very strange relationship with sex.”  Rhys agreed, “And men are encouraged to rank themselves based on the women they own.”  Rhys shook his head, “We rank how attractive women are and think we’re better men if we get a higher ranking women.  We tell each other to keep our women in line… we treat them like objects… like trophies to confirm out manhood.  Instead of like human beings with needs and feelings and desires.”  He looked back at Chop, “That’s why our manhood is so threatened by the idea of another man in our territory.”  His eyes went to Finn, “That’s why we have such a hang up on sex; we should be all they need.  But we expect women to get emotional fulfilment elsewhere, from other women to be exact.” 

“But no one can fulfil everyone’s needs.”  Finn said firmer, getting to grips with his thoughts.  “I want to be able to be everything to her, and I’ll always try to be the best I can for her.  But… I understand that she needs other people in her life, and they each fulfil different roles for her.”  Finn said, “At the moment, none of those other people are for sex… and I do hope none of them ever are... but if she needs it… I… I’ll always give her what she needs.”  He said slowly, really feeling what that meant in his guts.  “She comes first.”  Rhys nodded slowly, indicating that he felt the same way about Chloe. 

“I don’t understand you two!”  Chop shook his head, “There’s no fucking way!”  He told them, “If Izzy wants to fuck another guy, she can go be with him.” 

“Yeah but when Izzy kissed that lad, you forgave her.”  Finn reminded him.

“That were different.  I were being a prat.”

“Right so you forgive her for cheating if it’s all about you, but not if it’s about her?”  Finn asked and Chop furrowed his brows.

“It’s not cheating if you have an agreement beforehand.”  Rhys said and got up as he saw his client approaching, “It’s not for everyone Chop.  But it works for Chloe and me… Everyone should have the relationship that works for them.”  He greeted his client and Chop and Finn backed off, waiting for Archie to show. 

“D’you really mean that shite?”  Chop asked as they headed to the front of the boxing joint for a smoke.

“Yeah.”  Finn shrugged, “Don’t worry; I’m confusing myself too.”  He shook his head.  “It’s like I feel like I should be pissed off about the idea of her being with someone else, but I’m not.” 

“D’you not love her anymore?”  Chop asked as he lit a cigarette.

“Oh fuck Chop, I love her… I love her more than I love anyone or anything.  She is… everything.” He shook his head slowly, “I don’t have words for how much I love her.” 

“So if Phil gave her a bit of the old in out, you wouldn’t mind?”  Chop handed him the lighter and Finn lit up.

“If she really needed to have that with him… I think I’d still be… pissy about it.  But… not how I used to be.”  Finn said, “I would wonder what he could offer that I couldn’t.”  Finn said honestly, “Cos I can’t see a thing that he could do better than me.  If she wanted to fuck Rhys I could understand that.”

“Yeah I s’pose.”  Chop agreed glumly.  And then Finn’s head cocked to the side as a thought occurred to him.

“But maybe that’s not why… maybe if it happens it’s not because he can offer something different or something more or better… maybe it’s cos she needs to be adored by lots of people.”  Finn considered this, “Maybe it’s not about me and whether I’m good enough.  Or Phil and whether he’s better.  Maybe it’s about her and what she needs.”  He grinned.  “Actually I know that’s exactly what it’s about.  And I love her enough to give her whatever she needs, even if I don’t like it, even if it’s not me.” 

“You saying I don’t love Izzy enough?”  Chop asked defensively and Finn thought about this for a moment.

“No.”  He said gently, “Cos I know you’d do anything for her.  Even if you don’t.”  Finn told him. 

“I’d feel like shit if Izzy needed another bloke in the sack.”  Chop said and Finn shrugged.

“It don’t mean I’m not a good fuck, or you’re not a good fuck.”  Finn answered, “Just that variety is the spice o’ life.” 

“Are you really gonna do something like this?”  Chop’s top lip lifted in disgust.

“Probably not.”  Finn acknowledged, “I really don’t think Rae would want to.”  He said honestly, “But if she did…” He shrugged, “we’d talk it through.  We’d deal with it.  I’d do what she needed… it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.”

“What if you wanted to?”  Chop asked with a grin, “Like Elsa?”  He suggested astutely and Finn furrowed his brows. 

“At this point in my life Rae honestly offers everything I want sexually.”  Finn said, “So I have what I need.  But if that changes… then… I’d like to know Rae loves me enough to at least discuss it with me, to go through it with me.  You know?” 

“It’s fucking selfish that is.”  Chop shook his head, “Not willing to make sacrifices.”

“It’s the biggest sacrifice I’ve ever made in me whole life, Chop.”  Finn replied, “Sacrificing me own fucking ego for her.”  Chop considered this, “And how’s it selfish?  It’s not like I’m gonna get myself a fucking harem or something and keep all the women in the world to myself.”  Finn shook his head.  “It just means that if I ever needed to experience sex with another woman, and Rae was alright with it, then I’d be having me a one night stand.”  He shrugged.  “We have lots of people in our lives that provide lots of different things to us… and I really think we both give each other everything we need sexually.”  He tried to soothe Chop, “But who knows what the future holds right?”  He grinned, “I intend to be with Rae till the day I die.  Maybe at 70 we’ll have a threesome.”  Chop broke out in laughter and Finn chuckled. 

“Fucking hell.”  Chop couldn’t get his head around it.  “I’m the vanilla one of the gang aren’t I?”  He said after a long time of struggling with it but not being able to accept the concept. 

“Aye.”  Finn consoled and then gave him a grin, “But there’s no shame in that.  Vanilla’s pretty fucking good too.”  He thought lustily about climbing on top of Rae and getting in her pants in the most vanilla sense possible.  It had been so long since they’d had sex he’d quite happily do anything she asked right now to get inside of her.  Finn quickly counted back: eleven days.  He sighed and Chop gave him a questioning look and he shook his head.  He wasn’t even halfway through yet and he was dying.  He had seriously thought about asking Rae to have sex even though she was bleeding, and then he’d felt like an utter bastard for not being more concerned about her cramping and how she felt about it and how much she was bleeding.  He wiped his face slowly and tried to be patient and to set the ache for her body into his gut.  Along with that ache he had the constant nagging at the back of his mind about his mother.  He hadn’t seen her on Sunday; she’d wanted to give them some time to get used to the idea of her being back.  But she was coming over for dinner tonight; just her and dad.  He and Rae were heading to her place.  Was life supposed to just continue as it had before now?  Is that what happened?

“You look a million miles away.”  Chop said and Finn shrugged.

“Got a million thoughts.”  He said honestly.  “How’s Izzy going, with everything?”  He saw Chop scrunch his face thoughtfully and look down before sucking on his cigarette deeply.  “Spit it out lad,” Finn said and Chop nodded in response.

“It felt like I spent months… years even… sitting over her hospital bed while she were in a coma.  Every night felt like a year Finn.”  Finn watched him swallow back the emotion of the memory.  “When the doctors told me she’d only been unconscious for 17 days I couldn’t believe it.  It just didn’t feel…”  He shook his head and Finn wished he knew how to comfort him.  “And now everyday feels like it only lasted a second.”  He turned his eyes to Finn, “It’s like all my time with her is slipping away too quickly and I don’t know what to do.”  Finn thought back to the conversation Rae and he had had about Izzy and Chop; that Izzy would end up leaving Chop if he didn’t keep up with her. 

“Well…” Finn frowned and tried to think of the right thing to say, “I guess you just gotta grab hold of every minute you do have then.”  He shrugged apologetically, knowing that what he’d said was totally inadequate. 

“Yeah.”  Chop said thoughtfully.  “Yeah, that’s it, lad.”  He looked up across the parking lot.

“About time you fucking arse!”  Chop called out and Finn looked up to see Archie running up to the centre, already in his work out gear, a bag slung over his shoulder. 

“Sorry!”  He grinned with no hint of a real apology.  Finn looked at a fresh bruise forming along his jawline with an unimpressed expression.

“You’re late cos you was fucking.”  He shook his head.  The bruise looked painful, but Finn knew that in a few days it’d be gone; Archie and Tom seemed to have found the magic formula for getting rid of bruises quickly. 

“Like you can fucking talk.”  Archie shot back with a slutty grin.  Chop rolled his eyes and poked Archie’s bruised jaw.

“OW! Fuck you!”  Archie gave him a surprised look. 

“That’s for being late to our hardcore workout.”  Chop grumbled angrily, “And I thought you like that sort o’ shit.” 

“I like getting pain from Tom, not you.  It’s just fucking weird from you…”  Archie gave him a disgusted look and led the way into the boxing joint.  Finn and Chop shared an amused grin before following him in. 

“Right I gotta piss afore we start.”  Finn said and jogged off towards the bathrooms.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!”  Chop called after him angrily. 

“Hey.”  Archie said softly and Chop turned to him, “Rae told me that Finn’s mum is back, so he might be a bit fragile, yeah?” 

“What d’you mean his mum’s back?”  Chop asked with a confused expression, “Where’d she go?”

“She left.”  And seeing the confused look on Chop’s face not changing, he added, “Them…  she left them…”

“Seriously?” Chop asked scandalised, “When?”

“Eight years ago, Chop.”  Archie said slowly.

“You’re fucking jokin’?”  Chop marvelled, “I didn’t even know she were gone…?”  He shook his head “He ain’t had a mum the whole time I’ve known ‘im and I never knew.”

“Well he’s very private about it.”  Archie tried to explain it away. 

“Am I a bad friend?”  Chop asked appalled.

“What?”  Archie felt this sliding away from him quickly, “No!”  He said firmly, “I only know cos I’ve known him long enough to have met her.”  Archie answered, “He’s never really talked to me about it.”  Chop looked bewildered.

“Every time I been there I just thought she were working or something…” He shook his head.  “I gotta get more nosy.”  He muttered, “So whose mum was it that died?”

“What?”  Archie asked with a frown.

“His nan?”

“His father’s mother…” Archie said as if Chop were stupid.

“Oh right!”  Chop shook his head, “I forgot about his da.”  He sighed, “I though it were his mum’s mum.”

“No both of his mum’s parents died when Finn was really young, before his mum left.”

“How do you know all this fucking shite and I don’t?”  Chop complained, “Fucking hell.”  He muttered.  “And what about his dad’s dad?”

“He died a few years back.”  Archie kept his eye on the door to the bathroom.

“So Finn’s got no grandparents anymore?”  Chop asked and Archie shook his head, “And his mum’s back after eight years where?”

“Dunno.”  Archie said with a shrug, “Don’t know why she left, where she was or why she’s back.  Only that Rae told me to tell you to be fucking sensitive.” 

“Why the fuck she get you to tell me that?”  Chop asked, “I’m more sensitive than a fucking trip wire Archer!”

“Bad analogy Chop.”  Archie had to physically stop himself from putting his face in his hands and shaking his head with a groan. 

“Nah, listen, like, I didn’t tell anyone that Izzy’s period came back cos she didn’t want anyone to fucking pressure her about her fertility!”  He said as if to prove a point and Archie shook his head in disbelief at him.

“Chop…”

“Oh fuck!”  Chop blasted and made an annoyed sound, “Right fucker don’t tell no one.”  He pointed his finger at Archie and Archie nodded his head.

“Yeah I don’t think it’s me that you need to worry about telling someone.”

“Oh fuck off.”  Chop mumbled as Finn approached.  “I thought Tom were coming to this?”

“He’ll be here a bit later.” 

“Where is that fucker?  I never thought he’d skip out on a hard training session!”

“He got called out to a business having problems with their computers.”  Archie shrugged, “He said they probably haven’t plugged in the monitors probably, so he’ll be along soon.”  Archie shrugged.  “He makes a packet selling and installing computers but most people know nothing about ‘em and it drives him up the wall.”

“D’you guys have one?”

“Not yet, but he thinks I’ll need one for uni.” 

“Right lads.”  Finn said with a grin, “Let’s get to it.”

 

 

Chop was spotting Finn, enthusiastically banging on about how much Finn could bench press now and asking Archie to help him out when Tom came in looking cranky.  He nodded to them and went to the change rooms. 

“What’s up his arse?”  Chop asked.

“He hates computers.”  Archie shrugged, “It makes money, but it makes him cranky.” 

“He hates ‘em but he’s gonna get one for you?”  Chop asked and Archie nodded his head with a grin.

“That’s love innit?”  Archie asked, his eye straying to the change room doors. 

“Yeah.”  Chop agreed and gave Finn a glance.  “That’s love.”  Finn finished his set and sat up.

“Speaking of love… or rather unrequited love-”

“What’d that fucker do now?”  Chop asked aggressively.

“What?”  Finn asked confused.

“Phillip.”

“Oh nothing.”  Finn said, “Rae got a love letter.”  He looked over at Rhys who was running through basic boxing moves with some twelve year old kid.  He looked like the sort of troubled kid that Rhys would inevitably save.  “Speaking of Philly, he thinks it’s from a girl.”

“Wow.”  Archie said and shook his head.

“Why does he know about it?”  Chop asked.

“Oh I showed him.”

“Why?”  Chop asked with angry incredulity.  “It’s like you want him to take Rae, you get him involved in everything.”

“Simmer down.”  Finn said with a frown, “I thought it were him at first.”

“It probably is.”  Chop said adamantly and Finn shook his head.

“Not his style.  Plus it smelled like floral perfume.”

“Yeah.”  Archie nodded, “I don’t think many lads at College rock the floral perfume.” 

“Well maybe he’s gay?”  Chop asked and Archie started to laugh, Finn shaking his head.  “What?”

“There’s so many things wrong with that sentence Chop.”  Finn answered as he went to pick up some dumbbells to do concentration curls. 

“You what?”  Chop asked scrunching his nose as he always did.

“If he’s gay why is he sending a letter to Rae?”  Finn asked and Chop made a small noise in the back of his throat.

“And have you ever notice me or Tom wearing a floral scent?”  Archie asked pointedly and Chop admitted defeat with deflated shoulders.

“Alright.” 

“You worried?”  Archie asked and Finn nodded.

“I think I’m destined to be in a permanent state of worry.” 

“At least till that Saul fucker’s dead.”  Chop agreed as Tom approached, his blue eyes glued to Archie.  He grabbed Archie aggressively and kissed him with so much sexual violence that Finn and Chop both felt like they were seeing a porno movie.

“Fucking hell.”  Chop averted his eyes as Finn lowered his.  Without a word Tom let Archie go and went to load up a barbell to do squats.  Archie looked stunned for a moment before a happy grin spread over his face. 

“Sometimes his cranky moods can have its benefits.”  His eyes followed Tom as he started to do squats, the heavy weights across his shoulders, his back straight and a look of concentration on his face.  Chop turned to look at Tom while Archie and Finn continued with concentration curls; Chop hated weight training and always did half the workout the other lads did.  He liked to box, the rest of it was boring.  Rhys always told him he lacked the discipline to be truly great at it, even though he had talent.  Chop knew he was right but he just couldn’t bring himself to do that repetitious shit over and over again.  He watched Tom dipping down low and pushing hard to get back up, the barbell bowing under the weight he’d stacked at each end.  He grunted with the effort and Chop heard a slight groan of sympathy, and probably lust from Archie.  He looked back at Archie, struggling to keep up with Finn, but determined to do the same number of repetitions, even if it was at a much lower weight.  Chop looked back at Tom, his eyes scanning his body thoughtfully, resting upon his round pert arse for some time before Tom spoke. 

“You checking out my arse Chop?”  Archie turned to see Chop nodding his head slowly and Finn just shook his head and focussed on his work out. 

“Aye I am.”  Chop grinned and Tom furrowed his brows slightly, pushing up out of the deep squat with a loud grunt. 

“Why?”  Tom asked before dipping back down, his quadriceps bulging beautifully with the effort.  Finn got up to do some overhead triceps extensions and noticed the bruising on Tom’s upper thighs, just poking out from the hem of his shorts.  He looked back to the bruise on Archie’s smiling face and thought back to a time when all of this was new to him.  He was glad it wasn’t anymore; he preferred the way his mind was now.  More open, more accepting. 

“Well I check out Rae’s tits so I can tell Finn how good they are.”  He shrugged, “They’re one of me mates favourite body parts on her.”  He explained as Tom continued to do his squats.  “And I know Archie likes your arse, so I figured I’d better have a look so next time we chat, I can tell him you got a nice one the next time we’re all drinking.”  Archie laughed and Finn grinned in appreciation for Chop. 

“Oh right.”  Tom said and Finn’s eyes fell to those bruises gain.  He found himself wanting Rae to leave marks on him like that.  He thought about Rae calling him Tom junior and sighed internally.  And then looked back at the bruises on the back of Tom’s thighs and the internal sigh became a little wistful and very desirous. 

“You’re a top mate Chop.”  Archie grinned.

“I know!”  Chop laughed.

“Right so are you gonna perve on Archer for me so you can comment to me about the bits of him I like most?”  Tom asked with a cheeky grin, “Cos I’ll be there the next time you’re drinking.”  Chop scrunched up his nose.

“Yeah I s’pose.”  He said and gave a quick look to Archie, “You like his eyes most?”  Chop asked and Tom gave him a surprised look.

“Yeah.”  He grinned, “And his cock.”

“Hey steady on!”  Chop laughed.  Finn finished up with the dumbbells as Tom slipped the barbell to the ground carefully and Rhys joined them; his hour with that client finished. 

“Well you can carry on Chop.”  Tom said and turned to bend to get some water, giving Chop the full view.

“Alright!”  Chop laughed, “Leave off.”  Finn watched Tom as he straightened up and a thought suddenly struck him.

“Oi Tom, how much do you weigh?”  Finn asked and Tom looked at him with surprise. 

“I dunno I haven’t weighed myself in a while.”  Finn turned his eyes to Rhys and Rhys, already understanding where Finn was going with this nodded slowly.

“He’ll do nicely.”  Rhys agreed softly so that only Finn could hear him, “Although the weight is distributed differently.  And he is a bit taller than her.” 

“Yeah but it still gives me a good idea of how close I am to me goal.”  Tom looked at them both with confusion.

“What?”

“Come jump on me like I’m about to fuck you up against a wall.”  Finn said and opened his arms to Tom who stared at him in disbelief.  A moment of silence passed.

“What?”  Tom asked and Rhys made a small noise of amusement.

“You heard me.”  Finn said and motioned for him to do it.  Tom blinked slowly at him and turned to look at Archie for some sort of explanation.  Chop started to chuckle, shaking his head.

“We’re a fucking fucked up group o’ wankers.”  He laughed. 

“Alright then.”  Tom said bracingly when no explanation was forthcoming and Archie grinned bemusedly at him.  “But I have to tell you Finn this might cause boners for both of us.”  Finn shrugged.

“Get on me!”  He laughed and Tom grinned like a jackal at him, nodding happily.  Tom walked over to him and put his hands on Finn’s shoulders and jumped up, wrapping his legs around Finn’s waist.  Finn felt the weight of him and knew he wasn’t quite ready yet. 

“Get him against the wall!”  Rhys ordered and Finn took a few steps before slamming Tom’s back into the wall, eliciting a gasp from Tom.

“That helps!”  Finn laughed.

“Now while I do like it rough Mr Nelson, a boy does like a meal before getting fucked.”  Tom said in a serious voice as Finn tried shifting Tom’s weight around, “And I really do wanna know why we’re fucking me up against a wall?”  Tom asked as he looked over at Archie, seeing his head cocked to one side, clearly getting ideas. 

“Cos it’s something I’ve always wanted to do.”  Finn said brusquely, “Now move around a little, see if I can handle it.” 

“Rae!”  Archie suddenly realised and Tom looked over at him, realisation coming to him. 

“We’re similar weights.”  Tom said with a grin.  “Got it!”  He started to move his hips slightly Finn pulling a face as Tom’s moving body threw the balance out and he nearly dropped him.  Tom bounced himself a little and Finn lost his grip and dropped Tom, but Tom pushed his back into the wall and tightened his legs around Finn’s wait, holding himself up with a cheeky grin.  Finn chuckled and rubbed his own shoulders slightly.

“Thanks Tom.”  Finn said, “I didn’t wanna drop Rae, you know?”  Tom nodded.

“You should teach her to do this though.”  Tom said, “There’s things she can do to help you with this little endeavour.”  He jumped off Finn easily, his muscled body moving with grace and ease. 

“I’m almost there.”  Finn said happily and Rhys nodded.

“Don’t slack off now.”  Rhys said and tapped the floor with his foot, “Push ups.”  Finn groaned and started to get on the floor but Rhys shook his head and turned to Archie, “Want a human chair?”  He asked making Finn groan louder as he assumed the position and Archie carefully sat on his back, Finn hardly able to hold the weight.  “Ten narrow, ten normal, ten wide.”  Rhys said with no sympathy for Finn’s straining face.  In response Finn gritted his teeth and began, determined to do as Rhys said. 

“You’re such a hard-arse Rhys!”  Tom laughed as he watched Finn struggle for a moment before turning to set the barbell for some deadlifts. 

“Yeah you’d know.’  Rhys shot back and Tom gave him an appreciative grin before lifting the weight.  Archie decided he was going to try and match Finn’s workout, cos that fuck against the wall looked good.  Chop dropped to the floor and started to do some pushups.

“Lazy form.”  Rhys told him and put his foot on Chop’s arse to push it down into proper alignment.  Chop groaned with the added effort but decided to stick with it.

“How many?”  He asked and Rhys gave him a grin.

“40 of each.”

“Why the fuck did I ask.”  Chop muttered as he got to it.  Chop always did the workouts Rhys gave him, no matter what they were.  Rhys had thirty minutes until his next client so he stayed and pushed his two lads hard, Archie joining in as Tom continued his own workout; he still worked out alone for the most part.  Tom being so accustomed to being alone had been one of the issues in their relationship.  He often acted unilaterally, he did things alone and Archie sometimes had to remind him that it didn’t work that way anymore.  But Archie could see Tom improving all the time; even today, Tom would usually not even talk to other people while he worked out, but he was learning to open up to others more. 

“Rhys,” Chop asked as he strained through the narrow pushups; by far his weakest pushup.  “Don’t you just wanna smash the fuck outta Ian?”  Chop asked.  “Fuck I wanna beat the crap outta him and Chloe’s not even my girl!”  Archie, copying Finn’s workout considered this; he wanted to give Ian a few punches too.  And Saul.  All eyes turned to Rhys as he considered this.

“I don’t think it would be wise for me to even spend five minutes alone with that… person.”  He said the last word thickly.  The four men looked at him understanding completely, “I’d kill him.” 

“And then you’d go to jail.”  Archie said with a grim look.

“And then I’d have denied Chloe the pleasure of kicking the living shit out of him.”  Rhys replied with a small grin, “She’ll take him down.  And all of those fuckers that laid a hand on her.  She’ll take ‘em all down.”  Rhys saw his next client coming and gave them all a farewell before heading outside to jog with him; it was Ash, he liked to run as well as box. 

“He is a serious motherfucker sometimes.”  Archie watched him go.

“You should try fucking him.”  Tom laughed, “He takes that fucking seriously.”  He grinned appreciatively, “Thankfully.” 

“But seriously.”  Chop said finishing up and rubbing his triceps painfully, “How was Rhys in the sex shows?”  Chop looked so curious that Tom gave him a strange look, “Cos he’s just so… serious!” 

“Yeah but you’ve seen he has this other side too.”  Finn said, “Plus he’s…” Finn furrowed his brows, “There’s layers with him.” 

“He is very passionate.”  Tom said slowly, his eyes flitting to Archie, but Archie shrugged indifferently so he continued, “very sexual, very sensual.”  Tom considered the sex shows for a moment, “He was incredible on that stage.”  Tom started to do military presses, his mind now focused on his form and the way his muscles felt. 

“What were it like at the show?”  Chop asked, “bloke to bloke?”  Finn considered the question for a moment, pausing from his sit ups for a moment.

“It was like all the seven deadly sins were in the one room.”  He grinned, “And I got to have ‘em all.”  Archie chuckled at that explanation.

“More like seven deadly funs!”  Chop answered.

“It’d be seven deadly fun wouldn’t it?”  Finn asked, “Funs isn’t a word is it?”  Archie watched as Finn and Chop turned their eyes to him.  But Archie didn’t get chance to answer.

“D’you reckon I’d hate it?’  Chop asked and Finn shook his head.

“No.  But you really wouldn’t like some of it.”  Finn said, “And you’d worry about Izzy for most of it.” 

“You didn’t like all of it.” Chop answered resolutely and Finn nodded.

“Yeah but I didn’t care.”  He said, “Like I don’t care that I saw a bird pissing on a guy.  I figure if that’s their thing, good for them.”  He shrugged, “and she also kicked another guy in the nuts.”  Finn said, “Hard.”  He watched Chop and Archie pull painful faces of sympathy for a guy they’d never met.  “But you know…”  Finn shrugged again, “Consenting adults.” 

“It’s no one’s business.”  Archie agreed, feeling this acutely because he’d had so many people trying to get into his sex life; the lecture he’d gotten from his sister recently had been particularly irksome. 

“I wanna go to one.”  Chop said firmly as Finn got up to head to the chin up bar.

“You gotta talk to Rhys.”  Finn answered, “I don’t have invite privileges.” 

“I’m not gonna ask him.”  Chop frowned hesitantly. 

“Give it time Choppy Chop.”  Archie grinned, “He’ll invite you in good time.” 

 

 

Finn was exhausted but happy with how hard he’d pushed his body today.  He’d done a heavy weight training session followed with a nice hard punching session with first Chop then Archie, who had improved incredibly; Tom really was a good instructor.  His sexual frustration had been belted out on the bag for a good long while to finish off. 

After his experience with those lads that threw the coke can at Rae, Finn had decided to pursue a fuller training schedule under Rhys’s guidance, including monthly visits to Gus and Petra, meaning that he was training most days of the week now, and once a fortnight on a Saturday morning he was going to Gus or Petra with Rhys; he couldn’t afford much more.  He’d felt pretty lucky that Gus had decided to take him on in the end; that man meant business and he’d bloodied everyone’s noses several times last week.  Finn smashed him hard in the face after he bloodied Rae’s nose and Gus had chuckled and said that was more like it, that he enjoyed breaking a spirited fighter and putting the pieces back together to make a great fighter.  As far as Finn knew most of the gang were heading up to Petra once or twice a month and all of them were continuing training with Rhys or Tom. 

Tom had already done his half day at the boxing joint this morning, so he was free for the rest of the afternoon now that he’d finished with his computer client.  He and Archie decided to sprint home and violently fuck.  Rhys still had two more clients to see before he could head home.  So Chop and Finn found themselves alone in the change rooms after having watched Tom and Archie run off, Tom smacking Archie’s arse and telling him he was gonna pound him hard.  Chop’s face was scrunched up as he undressed. 

“Don’t you think it’s weird that Archie’s the one warning us off anal sex?”  Chop chuckled and shook his head.  But Finn gave him a serious look.

“He’s not warning us off anal sex, he’s warning us off doing something that our girls probably don’t wanna do.”  He furrowed his brows, “All that drunk bragging and… I think I been pushing Rae too much.”  His tongue went to the back of his teeth for a while, worrying at the gums as he thought it through.  “She’s definitely not as into it as I am.”  He said slowly. 

“So it’s not gonna happen for either of us then.”  Chop accepted it with a shrug, “Always knew it.”  He headed towards the shower, Finn following in thought.

“I mean, I did…”

“Did what?”  Chop asked as he put his shampoo down on the floor and turned on the shower. 

“I did get a finger up there.” 

“Holy fuck.”  Chop said surprised, “Really?”  Finn nodded with a slight grin.  “Was it… was it good?”

“Yeah.”  Finn said, “It felt real nice in there.  Very tight.”  Finn put the shower on, “It’s like a really smooth tunnel for a wee bit and then it opens up a bit inside… different to a vagina that’s for sure.” 

“Huh.”  Chop answered in awe.  “And you still think you’re not gonna fuck her up there?”  Chop asked seriously.

“No I don’t think so cos… well…”  Finn furrowed his brows, “She said I could, if I’d let her finger my arse.”  Chop’s scrunched up face fell into a serious look of concerned confusion. 

“Wait… so the deal is if you take a finger up yours… you can fuck her arse?”  He got his head around it for a moment.  “Fuck man, do it.”  He said eventually and started to soap up his armpits.  “I’d fucking do it!” 

“It’s not really that.”  Finn said, “If she’s doing stuff like that, it means she’s trying to slow me down… so…”

“So she don’t want to do it.”  Chop nodded slowly, getting it. 

“Aye.”  Finn answered with a philosophical smile.  “Oh well.” He scrunched up his nose, “It were fucking nice getting as far as I did!”  He chuckled and Chop grinned.

“You got farther than I ever will.” 

“You really don’t think Izzy’ll go for it?”

“I don’t think we’ll ever get dirty enough to be hanging with the A-league you know what I mean?”  He chuckled, “She’s only just starting to open up to rough sex.”  Chop shrugged, “Which is fine, I’m more vanilla than I thought, it turns out.”  He said with an accepting grin.

“She’s starting exploration Chop.  What make you think it’ll stop before anal?”

“Cos even though she cums like a fucking harlot on top and she knows I love it when she’s up there, she still gets shy and self-conscious riding me.”

“Girls are fucking weird with coming.”  Finn nodded slowly, “Like I can cum in any position, but Rae definitely cums more in some than in others.”

“Does she like it on top too?”  Chop grinned, clearly loving it when Izzy climbed on top.

“Yeah, but she cums best when we go with me behind.” 

“Oh fuck man, I can’t make Izzy cum at all really in that position.”  Chop shook his head. 

“Yeah behind can be hard to gauge it all properly, but I just tell her to get louder for me if I’m struggling to figure out where she’s at.”

“Oh fuck I wish!”  Chop laughed, “Izzy gets worried that the neighbours can hear us.  Can’t make her cum no matter what I do if she hears one of ‘em banging about next door.” 

“Rae gets a little turned on by the thought of getting caught or of people seeing and watching.”  Finn grinned.

“Fuck she’s a deviant.”  Chop laughed. 

“Aye she is.”  Finn answered fondly. 

“But less of a deviant than you.”  Chop said astutely and Finn nodded.

“Yeah but that’s alright innit?”  He scrunched his nose, “doesn’t make me love her less.”

“So you gonna buy that girl a ring Finlay?”  Chop started to shampoo his hair.

“Seriously?”  A voice came from one of the other showers and Finn and Chop’s jaws both dropped as they turned to look in the direction of the voice, coming from the showers that were around the corner.  “All you guys ever talk about is fucking your girlfriends and now you’re gonna start talking about marriage?”  Whoever he was he sounded unimpressed, “it’s a locker room, not a fucking family gathering!” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Just a Girl’ by No Doubt _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHzOOQfhPFg>

 

“So tell me why the fuck we’re doing this?”  Chloe flicked through the book with an unimpressed air.

“You didn’t have to come!”  Izzy said grumpily as she looked through another book, her brows furrowed.  They all knew that Izzy’s grumpiness was not aimed at Chloe; she was just exhausted after her chemo injection yesterday. 

“Yeah, are you sure you’re good to be out?”  Rae asked with sympathy and Chloe shook her head.

“Don’t do that.”  Chloe said softly, “I only just started not feeling like a victim.” 

“Sorry.”  Rae lowered her eyes.

“No it’s not you Rae.”  Chloe put her arms around Rae, “I’m sorry babe.  I’m just... I’m not gonna let him take back what I’ve gained these past few months, you know?”  She looked down at the book, “I’ve felt like my body was a crime scene, and Rhys helped me pull that fucking crime scene tape down.”  She looked Rae in the eye, willing her to understand, “I’m not gonna let Ian put it back up.” 

“It’s not that easy though is it?”  Rae said astutely and Chloe lowered her eyes and shook her head.

“No.”  She admitted, “It’s not just as easy as refusing to be affected.  I were right bitch to Rhys… and I haven’t had sex since.”  She looked at the shelves of books at the store.  “But I’m determined Rae.”  Chloe said, “Rhys says I have to let myself feel whatever I feel and be kind to myself.  Be gentle.  Rather than try to force myself to be alright.  But I’m so done with this shite, you know?”

“Aye I do.”  Rae nodded.

“I just want it done.  I want to be over it already.”  She sighed loudly.

“Having that arsehole about won’t help.”  Izzy said sympathetically, “Can we just make him disappear?”  Chloe grinned.

“Any word from the fuzz?”  Rae asked and Chloe shook her head, “but mum and dad called them angrily this morning demanding that Ian be arrested, so…”

“So they freaked out?”  Rae asked and Chloe nodded.

“Yeah, mum wants to get bars put on all the windows and she told me to never leave Rhys’s side.” 

“Wow.”  Izzy answered, “I thought your parents didn’t like-”

“It’s dad that’s got the real problem with Rhys.”  Chloe shrugged, “But even if they don’t like him, they figure he’d be able to beat the shit out of Ian.”  She shrugged, “I’m yet to tell them that I intend to be the one beating the shit out of that piece of garbage.” 

“Have they had him over for dinner yet?”  Izzy asked and Chloe shook her head.  Izzy scrunched her nose in understanding, “My parents were like that with Chop.”  She looked back at the book, “Is it worse to hate poor people or to hate black people?”  Izzy asked.

“If it’s a competition about whose parents are worse Izzy, I think mine win, cos they hate both.”  Chloe grinned ruefully.  Izzy groaned and shook her head.

“Dad stopped hating Chop the minute he knew he weren’t poor.  Pisses me off.”  Chloe gave Izzy a sympathetic grin.

“Well I don’t see a similar situation happening for my folks and Rhys.”  Chloe responded, trying to tone down the cynicism in her voice.  “But you know, I’ll just do a Tom if I have to.”  Chloe said with a shrug.

“Do a Tom…”  Rae shook her head, “Finn said something similar recently.” 

“I think we’re all impressed with what he did for Archie.”  Izzy said, “The more I think about it…”  She shook her head, “What a man.” 

“Why’s Finn gonna do a Tom?”  Chloe asked, “Isn’t his dad pretty stellar?”

“I don’t think his mum likes me very much.”  Rae responded slowly.

“Oh shit… I thought she...?”  Chloe looked confused, “Didn’t she leave?”  Rae nodded her head.

“She’s back.”  Rae said in a sing-song voice reminiscent of the little girl in poltergeist. 

“I think you don’t like her.”  Izzy noted that tone and Rae scrunched up her nose.

“I guess we just got real comfortable and she… kinda changes things.” 

“But maybe for the better?”  Izzy said hopefully and Rae nodded.

“Don’t get me wrong, she seems very sincere and…”

“But why the fuck has she been gone for so long?”  Chloe asked astutely and Rae tried to not just agree with Chloe.

“I’m sure she has reasons.”  Rae answered even-handedly.

“Bullshit.”  Chloe answered, “Finn’s her son.  They’d wanna be real good reasons, you know what I’m I’m saying?” 

“Aye.”  Rae frowned and Izzy decided she needed to save the mood by changing the topic.

“Anyway, we girls are getting hardly any time away from the lads since Simmy said-”

“I don’t think he’ll do anything.”  Chloe shrugged, “All bark and no bite.”  Rae nodded her head.

“Oh aye!”  She chuckled, “he’s like a little yapping dog.” 

“And I reckon we could all kick his arse.”  Chloe added.

“And since we three girls are finally getting some us time!”  Izzy ploughed on as if no one else had spoken, “I’d like to declare that I have decided to have anal sex and that is why we’re here Chloe.” She held up a book by Tristan Taormino called ‘The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.’  Chloe scrunched up her nose.

“Those two fuckers were scheming on how to get you two girls to do this.”  Chloe shook her head, “What about what you two want?”  She asked imperiously. 

“I wanna try it.”  Izzy replied.  “Didn’t you like it Chlo?”

“Not really.”  She shrugged.  “I mean I didn’t hate it, it was nothing really… hurt when he shoved it in… and then it was just...” She shrugged, “I didn’t get any pleasure from it.” 

“What about you Rae?”  Izzy asked and Rae shrugged.

“Haven’t done it and Finn seems to have lost interest in doing it.”  She furrowed her brows, suddenly worried that when he’d fingered her anus he’d been grossed out. 

“What’s that look for?”  Chloe asked and Rae gave a shrug.

“We kinda almost got there, but he just... he just stopped.”  Chloe sighed loudly.

“Well I think if either of them wanna put something up your arse, you should get to put something up theirs!”  Chloe declared and Izzy started to giggle.  “What?”  Chloe laughed, “I mean it!”

“Could you imagine Chop?”  Izzy laughed, “He’d never do that!”  Chloe shrugged.

“Then he doesn’t get to make you do it!”  Chloe picked up a copy of the book Izzy had in her hands.

“Yeah but I want to.”  Izzy said, “I know it’s supposed to be some big male fantasy… but… well since we talked about it, I’ve been thinking about it more and more.”  She looked worried that they might judge her.  “Does it make me a bad person that I wanna try it?  Am I a slut?” 

“No!”  Chloe answered firmly Rae, joining in with the outraged reply.

“Absolutely not!” 

“It’s just… you two don’t seem so into it…”  She lowered her eyes.

“Well Iz,” Rae said slowly, “I have been warming up to the idea since we got close to doing it.”

“Close how?”  Chloe asked and at the same time Izzy asked;

“What made you stop?”

“Um… well close… as in he fingered me… there.”  Rae said feeling her cheeks burn and Chloe started to giggle with Izzy.

“Did you like it?”  Izzy asked.

“Well… yeah.”  Rae answered still surprised.  “It made me want him to fuck me so bad though.  Like me vag was just… gagging for it.”  Chloe and Izzy scrunched their noses considering that and Izzy turned her eyes to Chloe who shook her head.

“Nope.  Nothing.”  Chloe replied to her unasked question. 

“So I wanna try it too now.”  Rae said, “But Finn…”  She shrugged, “I dunno what’s happened he’s not pushing anymore.”  She furrowed her brows, “like he was never overly demanding.  He just kinda made suggestions and we’d let it flow from there.  But now; nothing.” 

“Maybe he’s happy like it is now.”  Izzy said with a grin and Rae looked over at Chloe who shrugged indicating she had no answer. 

“Talk to him babe.”  Chloe added.

“Oh right and how do I approach this topic?”  Rae sighed when neither Chloe nor Izzy seemed to have an answer for her and picked up a copy of the book Izzy had taken a liking to.  “Myths about anal sex.”  She read from the table of contents, skimming the myths until she found one that was pertinent.  “Women don’t like anal sex.”  Rae said and skimmed the answer to this myth, “It says that the general stereotype is that it’s a male fantasy and that men beg women until they give in and that the women don’t really like it.”  Rae said, “But in reality a lot of women like to be fucked in the ass; this is an American book!”  They started to chuckle as all three of them read through the anal sex myths. 

“I need to hear an American accent from you now girl!”  Chloe laughed and Rae put on her best New York accent and read the next myth that caught her eye.

“The ass is an exit only, it’s not an erogenous zone.”  They all started to giggle as Rae tried to read on in her accent, “It’s true that the anus and rectum…” They dissolved into fits of giggling Rae not able to keep reading.  After a while they settled down.  “Why are the words anus and rectum so hilarious?”  Rae’s sides hurt from laughing.

“It’s not those words.”  Chloe said, “it’s those words in that accent you was doing!” 

”Hey look,” Izzy said hopefully, “The ass…” She scrunched her nose at that word, “Arse, “ She corrected, “is full of sensitive responsive nerve endings.”  She grinned, “So it could be fun to have anal sex.”

“Or painful.”  Chloe added. 

“It says they can be intensely pleasurable and orgasmic.”  Izzy opened her eyes wide with surprise. 

“It said in one of me magazines that it can be really good for some women and it can also be really not good for others.”  Chloe shrugged.

“We’re all different.”  Rae had been learning this a lot over the past year. 

“D’you know girls.”  Chloe said, “Since we know Chop and Finn was talking about this the last time we was at your place Iz, I reckon we should conspire to get some anal for real.”  Chloe said.  “Get some pegging in!”  She chuckled.

“Or just a finger.”  Rae grinned and Izzy bit her bottom lip. 

“There’s no way Chop’ll do it.”  Izzy shook her head. 

“So convince him.”  Chloe grinned, “Plant the seeds.  Isn’t that what guys do to girls all the time?”  Izzy and Rae exchanged a look and Chloe shrugged.  “Let’s breach the impenetrable, heterosexual, male arsehole, ladies!” 

“I’m gonna lose this competition!”  Izzy sighed.

“And I automatically win it, cos my lad’s queer as they come.”  Chloe grinned, “So I shall abstain from participating.”

“No way!”  Rae told her, “It might be easier for you to get something up his arse, but I reckon you have to do it too!”  And Izzy nodded vehemently in agreement.

“You both know I could have a giant dildo up his arse tonight, right?”  Rae and Izzy shrugged in reply.

“Do it and tell us how to do it.”  Izzy said excitedly.

“Probably tells you how to do it in the book!”  Chloe laughed and checked the table of contents again, “Here it is; anal pleasure for men!” 

“Did you see this?”  Rae asked with shock, “Double anal penetration.”

“Oh fuck no!”  Chloe laughed in horror. 

“Enemas?”  Izzy read through the contents with a scrunched up face, “There’s definitely some things I’m just not in to.”  She shook her head.

“You’re there worrying about enemas and we’re freaking out about two cocks up your arse!”  Chloe laughed and Izzy shrugged.

“I have thought about two penises in me vagina and how that would feel.”  Rae and Chloe’s jaws dropped and Izzy blushed, “I’d never do it!”  She said hurriedly, “it’s just… I like the way I feel full, you know?”  She lowered her eyes, “So I’ve thought about… having three guys and… you know…”

“Holy fuck Izzy!”  Rae chuckled.

“Am I a slut?”  Izzy asked in a small terrified voice.

“No, really no!”  Chloe said, “I’ve had similar thoughts, you know, more than one lad.”  Chloe turned her eyes to Rae and Rae nodded.

“That AFL match.”  Rae answered with a lusty voice and Chloe and Izzy groaned in lusty sympathy.

“Oh my god yes!”  Chloe laughed, “The whole team! First and second year!”

“That’s actually where I had the idea for the first time.”  Izzy confessed.

“I’m not surprised.”  Rae understood.

“Yeah.”  Chloe agreed with a lusty look.  “There’ll be another match this year and I so wish Rhys were playing!”

“Yeah Rae gets to watch Finn again.”

“Aye I do!”  She grinned happily, “But unfortunately he won’t be slamming Phil.”  Chloe chuckled.

“That were pretty sexy.”  Chloe admitted, “Those two lads…” She shook her head slowly. 

“I’d love to see Chop smashing into people and rolling around and jumping up on people’s backs… instead o’ screaming in the stand and spitting pie everywhere.”  She sighed.  “On the plus side, the regional football team is starting up again!  Might watch that.” 

“I can’t.”  Rae frowned, “I got work on Tuesdays after school and Saturday mornings.”  She pulled a disgusted face. 

“Well I will be, and having my orgy fantasies.”  Izzy grinned. 

“Do the lads get on with each other or just you?”  Chloe asked.

“Mostly me.”  Izzy grinned, “But they do get it on together a little bit.”  She bit her bottom lip and giggled. 

“It’s official girls; us three are dirty perverts.”  Rae put an arm over each of their shoulders, “Incorrigible,”

“Irredeemable.”  Chloe added.

“Unstoppable.”  Izzy giggled happily.

“Harlots.”  Rae finished up with a grin. 

“Good.”  Izzy said, “You know what?”  She asked Chloe and Rae, “I’m sick of thinking that being a slut is a bad thing.”  She said, “I want sex.”  She declared loudly, a couple of customers looking over, “And that’s not a bad thing, so why do I get called names for that?”  She jutted her chin, imitating Chloe, “Sometimes I fancy a bit of really dirty sex.”  She said, “And I’ve got nothing to be ashamed about.” 

“Preaching to the choir, Iz.”  Chloe laughed. 

“Aye I don’t need convincing either.”  Rae agreed.

“No but I do.”  Izzy said softly, “I feel like I’m supposed to be the good girl for everyone.”  She looked down at the anal sex book, “The sweet innocent little sister of the gang.”  She looked back up at them, “I’m sick of it.  I wanna let loose a bit.”  She picked up a few more sex books defiantly and headed to the counter.  Rae looked at the anal sex book and checked the cost, deciding to pick it up too.  Chloe shrugged and pocketed her hands, following the girls to the checkout where Izzy was flushed red with embarrassment as the male checkout worker tallied up the sale.  Rae was blushing with a female one and Chloe chuckled as she just headed straight past them both to wait outside for them.  After Rae and Izzy tucked their purchases safely in their school bags, they linked arms and strolled slowly towards the boxing joint; laughing and ignoring the looks they got. 

 

 

 

 

_‘Enjoy The Silence’ by Depeche Mode_

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0AKJMGxwpE_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0AKJMGxwpE)

 

The girls sat outside the boxing joint laughing and waiting for their lads to finish up.  A group of seven lads sat on the low brick wall nearby eyeing them off, slowly speaking louder and louder, trying to draw the girl’s attention.  A couple came over to offer them cigarettes but when all three girls declined, they dropped all pretence and started to try and chat them up. 

“Fuck off.”  Chloe said in a bored tone and tried to turn back to the girls but they insisted, loudly speaking over the top of them.  One of them sat down next to Rae and she shrunk away, Chloe moving over so she could move away from him.  Izzy was about to suggest they went inside when the rest of the guys came over and circled them, just chatting and being friendly according to them.  The three girls looked at each other, wondering if they should try punching them to make them leave, but not liking being outnumbered more than two to one.  None of them felt that confident about their skills yet.

“Fuck off!”  Izzy said louder when one of them sat next to her. 

“Don’t be bitches, we’re just trying to get to know you.”  One of them said.  To look at, they were all relatively fit lads, but all three girls hated the way they had approached them so much, that even if they had been single they would be telling them to fuck off.  The lad sitting next to Rae put a hand on her upper thigh and she pushed him back.

“Don’t fucking touch any of us!”  She spat loudly. 

“Oh fuck off you fat bitch; as if!”  He snarked.

“Yeah ten seconds ago you was trying to get in me pants!”  Rae said with a disgusted look and the lads hollered about her being feisty.  “Yeah I think you’ll find I’m so feisty I’ll rip the fucking nuts off any of you that touch me.”  Rae shot back.  Things were starting to get even uglier when a shadow fell over them, the lads looking up and seeing Rhys glaring down at them.  They looked nervously at him.

“Can we help you mate?” 

“You lost?”  They asked him.  He didn’t say a word, his eyes went to Chloe and she shrugged.

“I don’t feel like violence today.”  She said softly, not wanting him to get in any trouble for her, and Rhys nodded. 

“Leave.”  He said just one word, with such menace that the lads immediately got up and left.  He watched them go and turned back to Chloe, “You alright?”  He asked, understanding why they hadn’t gotten physical with repelling the lads.

“Been better.”  Chloe shook her head and Rhys looked to Izzy and Rae who indicated similar sentiments.  Rhys did not sit, he stood with them, waiting for Finn and Chop to come, refusing to leave Rae and Izzy alone.

“We need to start all three of you on multiple attacker scenarios.”  He said evenly.  Chloe had already done a few sessions with Tom and Archie but she knew she needed more.

“Please!”  She said excitedly and Rhys started to plan slowly increasing their lessons with them; Rae and Izzy were not attending as regularly as Chloe and their progress was slower, but they were still determined to learn and Rhys had promised Rae, when she had called one night at 2 in the morning crying that she hated her fat body and wanted to starve herself, that he would not give up on her even if she did.  When she had asked him to never give up on her, he had made that promise without hesitation; he cared very deeply for Rae and would do all he could to aid her in her recovery.  He also cared very deeply for Finn, and he knew that Finn felt better having his backing.  Izzy was harder to predict or help.  Sometimes she was fiercely committed to doing this, but at other times she was totally fed up with routine and practice.  He understood her restlessness; she had tasted death, she was desperate to live and to put as much distance between herself and death as possible.  But those lads harassing them had convinced Izzy to take it more seriously, for now. 

It was another ten minutes before Finn and Chop came out laughing and joking about some guy in the shower.  When they all looked at them with confused faces they’d just shook their heads and burst out laughing, unable to explain the situation without embarrassing the hell out of themselves. 

They said their farewells and Rae and Finn headed home on the scooter. 

 

 

The afternoon had gone exactly as expected; they’d picked up Aiesha from Alice, done homework at the kitchen table, Finn cooking dinner in between study.  They’d eaten with Linda before heading upstairs at about 7:00pm.  They’d studied for a bit, then as expected, Rae had begun to torture him.  She spent an hour bringing him almost to the point of orgasm several times and then stopping; he didn’t want to cum if she couldn’t cum.  Towards the end he’d nearly begged her to let them fuck, he’d nearly told her he didn’t care about the blood.  But the truth was he did; not in terms of sex or being grossed out, but in terms of her health, he still fretted about blood loss.  He lectured himself for putting his dick before her comfort, health, needs and wants.  But then he could hardly be expected to not be gagging for it with a girlfriend like her.  He’d been in a constant state of arousal for over a year now.  He wasn’t always erect, but his nerve-endings were always ready to respond to her in a second, his mind was always mulling over her body and what they could do together, even as he thought about other things, it was always in the back of his mind.  He never knew a person could become so hyper-aroused, but it didn’t worry him; he couldn’t see a way that it could be any other way.  He’d worry if he became less aroused by her because it made perfect sense to him that he’d be like this.  She was too perfect for words, he couldn’t even process it.  They’d just been drying themselves after making out in the shower for quite some time, Finn’s body starting to ache from being hard so long, and from the heavy workout he’d done, when they heard the door slam downstairs.  Karim was home, and he was very happy to be home.  Rae rolled her eyes as they heard giggling on the stairs and then the door to Linda and Karim’s room slam shut.  Aiesha was sleeping like a trooper now, doing the whole night with no troubles every night now; everyone was very happy for this improvement in sleeping patterns.  The good thing was, having been in such a loud house for so long, not much woke her up when she really got to sleeping.  So when Rae put the music on to drown out her mother’s loud giggling, Aiesha slept through the noise and Rae and Finn were able to settle into bed in each other’s arms happily.  They’d been chatting a lot lately about universities, what they’d do about locations and flats or living on campus and they’d been going around in circles, but couldn’t stop talking about it until a decision was made.  But not tonight.  Tonight they laid together silently. 

Finn felt that there was nothing outside of this room; there was no world if it was not this very moment with her in his arms.  Her fingers curling around his gently, her breath tickling his skin.

Rae felt that this was the stuff of life.  To be in his arms, to hear his heartbeat as she lay her head on his chest happily, his fingers gently stroking her hair.  This is what life was made of. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I Wanna be Your Boyfriend’ by The Ramones _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS8oYNK73Ek &feature=kp_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS8oYNK73Ek&feature=kp)

 

Tuesday morning saw Rae sitting alone on the floor in the hall, waiting for drama to start.  She’d had a free period beforehand and had finished off her English essay already; she was on top of everything, but only by being intense about getting her homework done.  Happily, Finn was right there with her, working his arse off and keeping pace with her frenetic work ethic. 

“You got a free now?”  Phil asked as he walked in.

“Alright Phil.”  She grinned, “Aye I do.  You too huh?” 

“Nah, I just couldn’t handle listening to Campbell banging on for one minute longer so I feigned illness.”  He grinned cheekily.  He’d been hoping to find the hall deserted so he could go over his dada monologue.  But he much preferred finding her in here.

“Phil, what has gotten into you?”  Rae asked with a shocked face that dissolved into a grin.

“Don’t worry, I won’t make a habit of it!”  He shook his head, “Still wanna be the best student in the school.  Just need to blow off steam more often than I used to nowadays.”

“Why?”  Phil gave her a strange look and grinned, shaking his head.

“Oh.”  He sighed, “So many reasons.”  He sat down beside her, leaning back on the wall, his knees up, his hands dangling down as he leaned his arm on them.  “My parents are making me crazy.”  He shook his head.  “They won’t even let Kelsey stay while she’s doing a paid commission.  She has to try and find a room to rent and…” he shook his head, “I just hate them for turning their backs on her.  I hate them.”  He said it with such vitriol that Rae turned her face to him to see his face twisted bitterly, “How could they do that to their own daughter, Rae?”  He shook his head.  “You know, she had to couch-surf and sleep rough, on the streets most nights in London, for over a year until she started making some money from her art.  And they don’t care.  They don’t care what she went through.”  Rae considered mentioning the room at Finn’s house but thought better of it.  “I think she’s gonna have to sleep rough in Stamford too.”  He shook his head.  He lowered his eyes, “is it wrong to wanna shake someone until their brains rattle in their heads so hard that…”  He stopped himself and looked away. 

“I see way you need to blow off steam.”  Rae said sympathetically.

“Yeah.”  Phil replied through gritted teeth, “And that’s just one of the things getting under my skin.”  He took a deep breath and kept his face averted for a while longer. 

“I don’t think it’s wrong to feel that way.”  Rae said softly, “If they were my parents, I’d have probably pushed ‘em down the stairs by now.”  Phil laughed.

“I could never hurt them.”  He said, almost regretfully, “Despite everything… I keep hoping that… they’ll remember us… they’ll go back to how they were.  I just want…” He almost said ‘love’ but bit his tongue. 

“I understand.”  Rae thought about her father and the way he’d made her feel.  She rubbed his arm momentarily and he gave her a wan smile. 

“I heard Elsa’s away again today, so we got Evin.”  Phillip tried to change the topic, clearing his throat and still not wanting to look at anyone; the topic of his family awoke too many painful emotions in him and he so would have preferred to be talking about this to someone who loved him.  If he looked at her, he’d start searching for all the signs he’d seen that said she cared for him and he needed to not do that in order to maintain his sanity.  He knew she cared about him in some way, he so hoped she cared for him in the way he did for her, but he didn’t expect that to actually be the case.  The more he’d gotten to know Finn, the more he’d realised that he didn’t really have a chance with her.  He was still trying to get over her, while simultaneously maintaining an active friendship with her, and planning out this dinner where he’d tell her everything he felt; it was madness.  But he’d happily go mad for her.  He’d walk into lava if it’d make her happy; all she had to do was say the word. 

“Oh god!”  Rae moaned, “Not more dancing!”  He chuckled and looked up at her stunning face, that grin on those full lips of hers knocked the breath from his lungs. 

“I’m sure she’ll give us something else to do.  Can’t make us dance the whole lesson can she?”  He soothed with a joking grin.

“I hope not; she’s lovely, but I can’t stand dancing that much!” 

“I wonder what’s wrong with Elsa?”  Phil asked and Rae shrugged.

“Probably the flu or something.”  Rae said with a frown.  Elsa had never taken a day of work, she’d come with flu like symptoms in the past and just made them all stay away from her so they didn’t catch it.  Phil leaned forward considering this.

“I s’pose.”  Phillip answered unconvinced, also thinking of all the times Elsa had showed up to work sick.  “You know the one act play competition that we wrote the Macbeth adaptation for?”  Phillip watched her nod, “That’s coming up soon isn’t it?  We haven’t heard anything…”

“Well they have to approve the script.”  Rae shrugged, “I s’pose that’s a slow process.”

“We’re not gonna have a lot of rehearsal time.”

“Maybe we should start that now?”  Rae agreed, “Whether we get in or no.”

“My thoughts exactly.  Gonna go for any of the parts?”  Phil watched her consider this and then slowly shake her head.

“I’ve got so many performances on at the moment.  And I don’t like performing as much as writing.”  She took a deep breath; thinking about performing still made her nervous, “You should go for Macbeth.  You’re the best male actor in the class.”  Phil grinned happily and leaned back against the wall.

“Thanks.”  Every compliment she ever gave him was carefully stored in his memory.

“It’s just the truth.”  She shrugged. 

“Yeah but the truth sounds nicer coming from you.”  He gave her a smile and she couldn’t help but grin back.  She knew that everything he said could be seen as a friendship thing; Archie would have said something like that to her.  But she also knew that everything he said could be coming from another place all together and it complicated things so much.  She so just wanted to enjoy his company without any questions like that.  “Got any plans for the weekend?”

“Just prepping for the drama comp.  I really want to win.”  He nodded his head and bit his bottom lip.

“Aye me too.  We should organise some rehearsals.”

“Yeah.”  Phil took out his organiser and opened it up, “When are you free?” 

“You looked pretty booked out.”  Rae saw his schedule and he shrugged.

“I’ll move things.”  He looked up at her with a determined smile, “I wanna win.”  They planned a rehearsal time every day that week, both of them feeling the lust of competition come over them, knowing they had a good chance to win with their piece and both determined to do so.  Finn walked into the hall, his head down, trying to remember his dada monologue.  He looked up and saw Rae and Phil sitting next to each other, heads together over Phil’s diary.  He remembered the way he used to feel when he saw them together.  Now he just felt the overwhelming sense of happiness he always felt when he saw her.  He didn’t even mind that Phillip was there.  He marvelled at how much he’d changed.  He had just come to understand things differently.  He was at peace with himself, and with his relationship with Rae. 

“D’you skip outta class too?”  Rae asked as he sat down on the other side of her.

“Nah, Reynolds let us go early.”  He shrugged and leaned back on the wall.  “Thought I’d come here and practice me monologue.”

“We all had that thought.”  Phillip said without looking at Finn.

“Great minds think alike.”  Rae grinned.

“I know didn’t just imply that Jill’s got a great mind.”  Finn grinned at Rae and then shot that cheeky grin over to Phillip who cocked an eyebrow. 

“It’s always fascinating hearing you talk Quinn.  I never knew frontal lobe amputees could form coherent thoughts.”  Phillip shot back and Rae leaned back so they could see each other better, closing her eyes and focussing on her dada monologue.  She had to remember lines for the dada group piece, the dada monologue, two duologues for the competition next week and a whole play for ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead,’ she was beginning to worry there was no more room in her brain for anything else. 

“Oh right?”  Finn chuckled, “Well just make sure to never let your mind wander Gil, it’s a wee bit too small to be out on its own.” 

“I feel sorry for that thought you just had Gwyn, it must be mighty lonely.”

“If stupidity were a grain o’ sand, you’d have the fucking Sahara.”  Finn grinned as Phil rolled his eyes.

“Better than being a maliciously putrid accumulation of cerebral constipation.”  Finn scoffed in reply and chuckled in appreciation. 

“Go’ listen to the perfect specimen o’ botched genetic experimentation go.”  Finn laughed, this time Phillip chuckled in reply. 

“Should I just leave you two alone?”  Rae asked shaking her head and seeing Izzy and Chloe approaching with hot Bryn grinning and obviously telling some funny story, walking between them.  When the girls started to sit down, Rae saw Bryn’s eyes linger on Izzy for a moment, a deep desire in them before his happy grin quickly replaced that candid moment and he continued to tell them funny stories about growing up with Mike and Ronan as older brothers. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘One Hot Minute’ by Red Hot Chilli Peppers _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exbKsJVSifg>

 

Evin had ended up being quite good with the class, allowing them to teach her about dada and rehearsing their pieces with decent direction from her. 

But as they headed to lunch Izzy reported that she’d already read the first few chapters of ‘that’ book with a grin and Rae became acutely aware that it had been way too long since her and Finn had done anything experimental.  He hadn’t made a suggestion or pushed or teased since they’d been in London on summer break.  That was a month ago.  He hadn’t talked about anal sex, not even teased or hinted or intimated towards its general direction.  No fingering, even though she’d told him she was ok with a single finger.  No spanking other than a gentle tap here and there.  The new toys she’d gotten him were still in their bag at his house; unused since London.  Some of them were yet to be used at all. 

_What the hell is going on?_

Sure she’d had IUD induced redgate for the past few weeks, but there was two weeks of hanky panky before that they could have been getting up to.  And nothing.  Just ordinary sex.  Which was nice, but she wanted to play…

Rae looked over at Finn, chuckling with Bryn and Sam as they all headed towards the canteen for lunch.  A plan started to form in her mind and when Finn looked up at her she motioned for him to come over, taking his hand and dragging him roughly, off to the disabled toilet. 

The minute the door was closed Rae slammed a confused Finn against the door hard.  Her lips were on his, her hands passionately, insistently finding their way under his clothing. 

“Is it over?”  He asked excitedly, his fingers tugging at her tights.  It wasn’t over, she was still bleeding and had no intention of doing anything with that business happening down there, but that wasn’t the point, she had a plan.  She groaned and he groaned urgently in response.  “Oh fuck Rae.”  He pulled at her pants, tearing them slightly, his fingers worming their way into her pants, his cock felt like it was nearly breaking the seams around his zip.  “Oh fuck.”  He muttered again as his fingers got closer to her cunt.  The ache in his voice was beautiful and Rae groaned again and stopped him, forcefully redirecting his hands to her arse cheeks.  He squeezed her flesh happily, not thinking, just wanting her.  She groaned louder as his fingers dug into her arse and he pulled her closer, his mouth devouring hers.  His hands crept under her stockings at the back and she groaned loudly. 

“I want you Finn” She whispered to him and he pulled his shirt off hurriedly before starting on her shirt.

“Oh fuck.”  He groaned in response. 

“I want you to eat my cunt.”  She whispered and the groan he responded with as his tongue licked her neck made her body shudder in delight, “I want you to fuck me.” 

“Oh I’m gonna fuck you.”  His mouth barely moved as he eye fucked her.  “Don’t you worry bout that.” 

“I’d do anything for you to go down.”  She whimpered, knowing that the disabled toilet was not a location they could achieve this easily, if at all.  But that was part of her plan.  Rae couldn’t cum from oral standing up; her knees went too weak, and Finn knew that.  There was only one way to maybe get it done; Rae had figured it out already, but it was a way that Finn would hesitate at.  And that was what she wanted.  Finn groaned with frustration.  “Go down.”  She pleaded.

“Rae you know I can’t.”  He looked around the toilet desperately trying to think of something to make this work.  But she grabbed him and sat on the basin uncomfortably, wrapping one leg around his waist, not game enough to raise the other leg, not trusting the weight bearing capacity of the sink.  She ground her hips slightly and rubbed his cock through his jeans.  His lips were on her again and she bit and licked his lips making him groan desperately.

“Oh fuck, I want you.”  His voice was strained with weeks of pent up desire and she whimpered in response.  She spent a good few minutes keeping his hands out of her pants and on her body, especially on her breasts and kissing him deeply while she pulled his cock out and rubbed it firmly.

“I really want you to go down.”  She whispered into his ear.  “If you can figure out a way to make it happen, I swear I’ll give you anything you want.”  Finn again looked around the toilet, but she pulled his face back to look at her, “Anything.”  She said with a cheekily sexy grin, “You understand?”  She raised her eyebrows and Finn grinned slightly. 

“You really want my mouth on your cunt girl.”  He nodded and Rae didn’t need to act when she groaned loudly and nodded in reply.  Her frustration was intense because it didn’t matter what happened here, it wasn’t going to happen today. 

_Fucking redgate._

“And I’ll do anything to get it.”  She eye fucked him, “So name your price to lie down on that filthy floor and have me ride your pretty face.”  Finn’s top lip rose in disgust as he looked down at the toilet floor.

“Rae…?”  He shook his head, “Can’t I do it at home?”  He looked back at her, and she got off the sink and bent down and took his cock in her mouth.  He groaned loudly.  She sucked it for about thirty seconds before straightening up.

“Name your price Mr Nelson.”  She could see that he was tempted, “Wanna try a 69 in here?”  He bit his bottom lip and looked back down at the floor.  “I’ll get on top however much you want for the next month.”  Finn looked back at her with a keen expression, “I’ll even put anal sex on the table.”  She whispered and his eyes narrowed slightly.  “Lick my cunt right now Finn, please.”  She begged, “And then you can fuck me in the arse.”  She kissed his lips passionately, seeing the look of confusion in his eyes.  He was obviously wondering why she would offer so much for oral sex now, when she could get it when they got home in a few hours for nothing.  He’d thank her for letting him go down in a few hours, doing it here, she had to try and bribe him to get on that floor.  “Please Finn.”  She begged again and Finn felt his body responding to her begging, his hands finding her arse again, squeezing her round cheeks, the fingers tracing along her crack lightly.  “I need it.”  She told him, her body pressing against his, her mouth devouring his now.  It was very obvious to her that he wanted this.  His hands didn’t leave her arse for the next few minutes of kissing, but he didn’t attempt to touch her anus or finger her, he just kneaded her arse, almost furiously, his desire throbbing through his body.  Rae wanted him so badly; this was as much torture for her as it was for him, but the real point of this as to get him back on track, to get him pushing and exploring again.  As soon as he agreed to her offer, she’d have to reveal that she couldn’t because of redgate, but then she’d sexily tell him she still wanted him to fuck her arse, or something like that, she hadn’t thought that bit through yet.  She just wanted him to get going again.

She groaned loudly as his fingers traced along her crack again, letting him know that she was into it.  She really was, she had missed feeling his fingers exploring that part of her body; she liked him getting himself into all of her.  At first she had been horrified at the way he insisted on touching all of her, looking at all of her, tasting all of her.  But now she craved it, and she was acutely aware of how long it had been since he’d explored that part of her.  It surprised her how much she’d missed it; the way her body shivered in delight made it very clear to her that anal play of some sort was a very welcome part of her sex life that she wanted to stay around. 

“Oh god.”  She felt her cunt contracting in anticipation for the way it felt when he fingered her arse; the way her cunt ached for him because of it.  “Oh god I really want it.”  She whispered more to herself than him.  He moaned but shook his head.

“No I can’t Rae.”  He clearly wished he wasn’t saying that.  Rae looked at him with real surprise. 

“What?”  She shook her head, “We can put our clothes down on the floor.”  She said desperately, “C’mon Finn.’  She pleaded. 

“I can’t accept an offer like that under these circumstances.”  His hands rubbed her sides, “Can we still fuck though.  Please?”  His eyes took in her body, “Oh god please.”  He licked his lips and cupped one of her breasts, squeezing it gently.  She took a step back from him and looked at him.  “Please Rae can we still fuck?”  He stepped forward and saw the surprised look on her face, “it’s not that I don’t wanna go down.  I will as soon as we get home.  And it’s not even that I couldn’t be convinced to get on that floor…” he gave her slightly glum look, “I just don’t want you to… make bargains like that.  You always agree to more when you’re horny.”  He let his hands drop, knowing from the look on her face that the mood was gone.  He shuffled his feet uncomfortably as she stared at him.

“You haven’t really touched my arse in a month.”  She said angrily and Finn looked away.

“We’ve had redg-” He tried to say.

“For two weeks.  What about the two weeks before that?” 

“I’m fine with the way we’ve been, aren’t you?”  He kept his eyes lowered, not wanting to see how disappointed and angry she looked.

“I was fine when we was exploring.  Why d’you stop?”  She moved her face to get in his line of vision and he looked into her eyes, “You gonna tell me you no longer have the urge to have anal sex?” 

“Exploring’s not just about anal sex.”  Finn replied carefully.

“No it’s not.”  She agreed, “But it’s part of it.”  She folded her arms.  “What happened?”

“Nothing.”  He sighed and knew that was a lie. “You put the brakes on.”  He admitted, “I heard your message, ok?” 

“I…?”

“Yeah, the tit for tat anal thing wasn’t about trying to get in me.  It was about trying to slow me down.  I heard you.  It’s alright.  You don’t wanna do it.  It’s fine.”

“So I’m a little afraid of anal… so you stop all exploration?”  Rae asked with an unimpressed face.

“I just wanted you to know that I was fine with what you’d already given me and that we didn’t need to keep going…”

“What I’d already given you?”  Finn went to say something else but Rae held up a hand for him to be quiet.  He saw the seriousness of her expression and snapped his mouth shut.  She was angry.  “What I’ve given you… so sex is like… a prize that you get to have…?  Or a collection of merit badges?”  She shook her head, “like I don’t understand that mentality.”  She raised her hands in questioning, “I just give you sex.  I give myself to you… is sex a thing that’s just for you then?” 

“No that’s not what I meant.”  Finn stuttered, realising what he’d said and silently bemoaning his inability with words. 

“Are you the driver then of this sexual relationship?  Am I just in the passenger seat?  Just along for the ride while you get your rocks off?  In and on my body…?”  Her voice got louder and Finn worried how much could be heard through the door. 

“No Rae, I just meant that you’ve already pushed your limits enough for me.”  He tried to explain.

“Stop thinking of me as the lesser partner!”  She snapped forcefully and Finn’s mouth opened in surprise.

“I… I don’t…”  He stuttered.

“You think that I’m more innocent and that cos I know less than you about sex, that you’re inherently the leader.”  Finn took a step back when she pointed her finger at him angrily, “So you’re the one in charge, the one that’s got all the power, or all the aces up your sleeves.”  Her eyes flashed angrily and Finn wished he knew what to do to make it stop.  He took a deep breath and made himself calm down and listen to her because he knew that’s all she ever wanted from him in these arguments; for him to just hear her, “You think you’re the one with all the desire.”  Her cheeks were pink with anger, “Well I’ve got news for you Finn; I want things too!”  She said it forcefully, and Finn knew he shouldn’t be turned on right now, but her saying that to him angrily was quite sexual, “I wanna be fucked, I wanna explore, I wanna fuck you… I wanna do so many things…”  Finn’s mouth opened slightly and he tried to stop his balls aching like that, but she was so sexy right now.  He’d happily listen to her yell all the things she wanted to do to him angrily for hours,  “And you keep acting like it’s all up to you whether certain games or circumstance are ok and it’s not!”  Finn nodded, making himself fully listen to her words.  “I have my own mind and I make my own decisions.”

“I know Rae, it’s just… I push so much…”

“I’m not your victim!”  She spat back at him and his breath stopped.  Had he really been thinking of her like that?  “Sex isn’t something that happens to me.”  She told him and his mind started racing; he had been thinking of her as needing protection from his desires.  Why would he do that?  “Sex isn’t something perpetrated by you upon my body.  We’re in this together.  I want it too!”

“I understand Rae.”  He answered with a soft voice, “but I don’t want you agreeing to things when you’re horny; you agree to more when y’are than you would if you weren’t.” 

“Oh I know that, I’m not a fucking idiot.”  She retorted and his mouth again opened in surprise, “I want to agree to more when I’m horny; I want my boundaries pushed, I like it when you try to push them.” 

“I…”  Finn didn’t know what to think. 

“I would have thought my instant use of the safe word over the fucking ashtray mouth thing would have told you that even when I’m horny I’ll still stop you if I’m really not ok with it.”  Finn took a deep breath and thought about this.

“Yeah I suppose you will but…”  He furrowed his brows. “I feel like I have… planted the idea of, for example, anal sex, in your head.”  He knew he had, he and chop had even revelled in the idea, “And I think that if I hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t want to explore it at all.”

“Alright firstly, the butt plug Chloe gave me put the idea in my head, not you.”  Rae reminded him and Finn felt an immediate weight lift off his chest; he’d forgotten about that.  “Second, yes, ok, your attitude did make me consider it sooner than I probably would have if you hadn’t wanted it.  But I probably would have come around to it eventually.  The way spanking turns me on would have given me the idea to keep exploring that area.  And third, and most important, me head isn’t some blank plot of dirt you put seeds in to grow Finn.  I have a fucking mind of me own!”  She gave him a dirty look.

“I know Rae!”  Finn answered exasperated, “But I do plant seeds whether you wanna admit that or not, and I brag to the lads about it like I’m doing something skilful or…” He lowered his eyes ashamed, “I just feel like I been pushing you too hard.”  He finished glumly.

“I’m not a fucking idiot, I know you been planting seeds; I been letting you.”  She answered swiftly, her words surprising Finn, “Finn you can plant as many seeds as you want, I can prune me own garden.”  Rae continued, “Nothing’s gonna grow if I don’t want it to.”  Finn looked up at her surprised.

“But… with anal… you were so against it and then I pushed and you changed your tune… and…”

“Yeah.  Let me just fucking repeat myself, since you didn’t get it first time: nothing’s gonna grow in me head unless I let it.”  She reasserted.  “The only problem I have with the whole anal thing,” She explained, “is that it scares me and I needed it to go slower than it was.”

“Yeah cos I were pushing too hard…”

“No Finn.  That was me making it go fast, not you.”  He gave her a confused look, “Like you’d do anything to me unless I wanted you to!”  She shook her head.

“Of course I wouldn’t.””  Finn struggled to keep up with her arguments, “But I think that you was going so fast cos I put the idea in your head.”  Finn tried to make her see.

“Are you honestly trying to tell me that you believe that I’m that unaware, that I don’t see what you’re doing?”  She asked him shaking her head with pity for him, “You really think I don’t see you trying to plant those seeds Finn?” 

“I thought…”

“What that you was subtle?  That I was stupid?  Is that what you think about girls?  That we’re all too stupid to see you supposedly manipulating us?  I’m sure some girls really are manipulated by their dickhead boyfriends… but d’you really think that of you and me?” 

“No Rae… that’s not-”

“Then what exactly are you trying to say?”  She asked him, hands on hips, “Really think about it Finn.” 

“I… I worried.  It were obvious it were going too fast for you and… I thought I were pushing you too hard.”  He furrowed his brows.

“Always blaming yourself.”  Rae told him, “But not everything is about you Finn.”  She watched him lower his eyes again, “We was going too fast because of me.  I want to try it more than I expected,”  Finn’s eyes flicked up to hers to see if she was lying, he saw only honesty, “and I need to wait or else I’m gonna be too scared, and Archie says it’ll hurt if I’m too tense.”  She lowered her eyes, “I’m scared it’ll hurt.  I’m scared of poo.  And hygiene.  And… what if you like it more than me vagina?”  She shook her head, “But even though I’m scared, I still really wanna try it.”  Finn put a hand up to her face, he hated seeing her afraid, “I do wanna try this.  Not just for you.  For me too.  I’ve been liking the little bits we’ve done so far… So… Maybe I’ll like full anal sex… even though it’s frightening.”  She looked into his eyes, hoping he’d understand, “I need you to be buttering me up for it.  I like that you do.”  He scoffed slightly and she grinned, “Really Finn.  I like that you tease and butter me up and get me horny and then push it a little.  I love that.”  She put her hands up to his face, “It’s seriously one of me favourite things about our sex.  I like the way you seduce me intop the unexpected.”  She watched Finn’s eyes furrow with concern and doubt, “I will shut you down quicker than you can blink if I’m not into something.”  She said firmly and she saw reassurance come into his eyes, “So go right ahead and keep on planting those seeds and gently prodding and turning me on and pushing and just being you, alright?”  Finn slowly nodded, still not convinced, “Finn… I’m doing it to you too, you know.  You just don’t realise it cos I’m a fuckload more subtle than you.”

“You what?”  He looked at her grinning face with surprise. 

“I’m gonna fuck you with a strap on one day Finn.”  His jaw dropped and her face broke out into a triumphant grin, “I got you thinking about a fingering haven’t I?”

“You dirty wench.”  He chuckled. 

“You gonna take a fingering up there?”  She asked and he bit his bottom lip.  “You wanna fuck my arse you know what’s gotta happen.”  She grinned like a jackal and he shook his head in disbelief at her. 

“I thought you were applying the brakes.”  He said softly.

“I was.”  She said, “But not in the way you think.”  And she shrugged, “And then I realised there was a secondary purpose to this fingering… to get you pegging.”  She grinned.

“Goddamnit woman.”  He chuckled. 

“Right.  Are you gonna stop this foolishness now?”  She shoved him gently and he stepped back, his eyes not able to leave her face.

“A strap on?  Fucking hell Rae.”  He didn’t know how he felt about that, only that he was a little afraid of it. 

“See.  My plans are pretty big for you Finlay.  But you’ll shut me down if you don’t want it, right?”

“Aye.”  He agreed, understanding her better now.  Pegging scared him, but he wasn’t about to say an outright no yet; he didn’t know how he felt about it, he needed more information, more experiences with anal play, before he could decide. 

“So can you stop worrying that I’m not right here beside you in this stuff?  I’m in the driver’s seat of my sexuality, and you’re just the backseat driver making suggestions, that I can choose to ignore… or take…  And it’s the same for you.  You steer your ship and decide what you’re gonna do with my suggestions.”  She took his hand, “I like that we can trust each other enough to do this stuff.  Don’t clam up on me now.” 

“How do I know what’s ok Rae?”  He asked softly, vulnerably.

“I’ll tell you.”  She reassured him.  “We’ve already got some hard limits.  Like ashtray mouth and pissing… watersports is what it’s called right?”  Finn nodded, “And I asked Tom what scat play is and I can tell you that it’s well and truly off the fucking table.”  Rae said firmly.

“That’s shit innit?”  Finn asked and Rae nodded.

“We’re not getting shit involved in our sex.”  She said and Finn nodded

“We have complete agreement on that one.”  Finn told her firmly. 

“So you know, we’ve got some hard limits.  Things that we’re not gonna do.”  She said, “And then… Archie said they’re called soft limits.”  She told him, “Things that you’re willing to be pushed on, but that maybe scare you a bit.”  She smile reassuringly, “That’s anal, alright?  It’s a soft limit.  You have my whole hearted permission to push that limit.”  She told him, “And I’ll let you know other hard and soft limits as they arise.”  She told him, “But you have to do the same.  You have to tell me.” 

“Aye.”  He agreed.  “So… So…”  He grinned slightly and bit his bottom lip, “So I just gotta… get you all horny for an arse fuck…?”  He said still tentative, easing back into it mentally, a feeling at the back of his mind that even after this talk, they’d still never do it.  But still, fingering that beautiful arse was pretty damn good and he had missed doing that to her. 

“Please do.”  She said lustily, looking him up and down, her eyes starting to fuck him, her mouth opening in desire.  Her eyes hadn’t finished their journey back up his body when he pulled her aggressively into his arms and started to kiss her.  She returned the passion of his kiss, forgetting that he still believed her to be not bleeding and not realising where this was going.  He kissed down her neck, his hands exploring her body, seeking to get under her tights again.  She felt his cock starting to get hard again as it pressed into her.  She groaned, her body aching for his.  She grabbed his cock firmly and ran her hand up and down its length, desperately wanting to fuck him.  They kissed for several minutes before Finn pulled her tights down slightly, freeing her arse from their constraints.  He pulled her skirt up and ran his hands over her round arse and she groaned happily as his fingers found her crack, tracing along it. 

“God I’m gonna fuck you hard.”  He whispered to her and she whimpered, he licked his finger wetly and she hardly noticed him doing it, “I’m gonna bend you over,” He continued as his finger slowly pressed against her anus, “And slide my cock into your cunt.”  Rae felt her cunt contract with desperate desire as his finger pressed into her arsehole.

“Oh god.”  She bemoaned loudly as her empty cunt screamed with desire for his cock.  His finger slid a little further in and he grinned.

“I have missed this.”  He said honestly as he saw that look in her eyes.  He could see how much it made her want to get fucked.  He slid his finger in and out of her for a few moments, just re-acquainting himself with this whole thing and watching her writhe with desire.  Rae’s insides were on fire with an ache for him that was made worse by the fact that she couldn’t have him. 

_Oh god, why did I make him start this up again right now?_

Up until now, she’d been able to keep her desire for him under control, made it sit in the pit of her belly, ready to be pulled out when this abominable IUD bleed finished up.  But there was something about his finger in her arsehole that just made her desperately want to be fucked.  She nearly begged him to fuck her regardless of the bleeding.  But she’d seen the look on his face the first time he’d gotten blood all over himself.  She was never going to let that happen again.  He slipped his finger in further and Rae felt her ache increase.  He kissed her neck and let his other hand roam around her body finding out all of her sensitive places.  She felt her breathing growing faster as desire took over her body completely.  He sensed that she was just as desperate to fuck as he was and turned her around, bending her over, her hands naturally going to the sink for balance and support.  She groaned as he kept his finger up her arse and pulled her tights down more. 

“Finn.”  She groaned in frustration, he ran his other fingers across her arse and spanked her gently before moulding himself to her to kiss her neck and back, his finger expertly doing its job in her arse and making her ache for him.  “Finn.”  She whispered softly, not wanting to stop him, but she had a tampon in, and she really needed to stop him before he found the string.  “Finn redgate isn’t over.”  She said truly sorry to have to be saying those words.  He froze behind her, his lips on her back, his cock pressed against her arse cheek, his finger still inside her. 

“What?”  He breathed, confused. 

“I’m sorry.”  Finn lowered his face onto her back for a minute to gather himself and slowly withdrew his finger from her.

“Alright.”  He told her slowly, having to force himself to not ask her to just fuck anyway.  “Alright.”  He told himself.  She turned to him.

“I’m so sorry.”  She felt her cunt aching, “Especially to myself.”  She mumbled before looking back at his confused face, “I were trying to tease you into getting exploratory again.”  She explained with an apologetic grin. 

“Right.”  He nodded slowly and gently pushed his throbbing, hard cock back into his pants uncomfortably, struggling to zip his fly.  Rae watching on demurely.  He picked up her shirt and handed it to her before grabbing his, rearranging his cock in his pants with a grimace and putting his own shirt on.  He washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror, the bulge in is pants was hugely obvious, and he’d need a few moments before he could leave the toilet. 

“I’m sorry,” she repeated.  “Are you angry at me?”

“Rae…” he said softly, trying not to look at her, “Even just your voice at the moment is making me hard.”  He chuckled, “I’m not angry at you… bewildered as to why you chose this way to get me going again…” he considered this and nodded, “Glad you did choose to get me going again… but… holy hell…” He chuckled again, “I want you so much right now.” 

“Oh god Finn, I want you too.”  He looked up at her and saw the frustrated desire in her eyes. 

“I’m never getting out of this fucking toilet!”  He laughed.  She looked down at his groin and laughed. 

“Finn… maybe…”  She nearly asked him to fuck anyway but changed it at the last second, “Maybe I should suck you off till you cum?” 

“Diabolical wench.”  He groaned in response and shook his head.  “If you can’t cum, I can’t cum.”  He stroked her hair, “You said it; we’re in this together.”  In an effort to lessen his throbbing erection he turned his mind to the discussion they’d just had.  He thought over everything she’d said and decided to address some of her fears head on because if there was any hope of it happening, he had to make her feel comfortable, “If it hurts I’ll stop and we’ll never try it again.”  He said earnestly and she grinned, loving the way he actually thought about the things she said, “And I don’t like your mouth more than your vagina.  For sex I mean...”  He grinned at his own awkwardness, “I don’t think I’ll ever like anything more than your vagina Rae.  You don’t need to worry about that.”  He thought about the way she always did that gasping intake of air when he penetrated her, “There’s something so right about me being in you that way… nothing’ll ever beat it.”  He went back to all of her concerns and picked out the next one he remembered, “And if there’s poo… I’ll just wash it off.”  He grinned, “I’m not squeamish, I’ll be fine.”

“Finn.”  Rae shook her head, “I’d die of embarrassment.”

“I’ll be fine.”  He repeated, “I mean I don’t wanna play with the stuff, but I can handle it if there’s a little mishap.  You don’t have to worry about that.  And you can… you can feel if there’s anything in there right?  I mean I can feel if I need to go…” 

“Yeah, but what if… I dunno.”  She sighed.  “It’s just a gross thought.”  Finn nodded.

“Aye.”  He agreed, “But if you make sure you feel… empty I guess… it shouldn’t be an issue?”

“I got a book about it.”  Rae confessed.

“About… anal sex?”  Finn asked, a slight grin starting to come back onto his face.  She nodded.

“There’s a bit about hygiene and stuff like that.  I haven’t gotten to it yet.  But so far it’s been a good read… alleviated a lot of me fears.  Maybe it’ll have something about… feeling empty and stuff…” 

“You went to the shop and bought a book about anal sex?”  Finn asked and Rae nodded.

“A book about anal sex for women.”  Rae gave him a confused look.

“You had to hand that book to someone and give them money…”

“That’s generally what you do when you buy a book Finn.” 

“But… weren’t you…” He knew Rae, he knew she was usually embarrassed by things like this, “Weren’t you worried what they’d think?”

“Aye.”  She nodded.

“But you did it anyway?”  Finn shook his head, coming to grips with that fact.

“I needed the book.”  She shrugged.

“Because you actually do wanna… try it…?”  He asked in disbelief.  “Like for real… Not just playing around with me fingers and stuff… Like actual do it?”  And she understood why he was saying that: he didn’t like the idea of doing something to her that made her afraid because no matter how much she said she wanted to do it, he just couldn’t believe she’d want to do something that made her afraid.  Going through the embarrassment of buying the book without prompting from him and without him being there made him feel like maybe she actually did want something she was afraid of, and wasn’t just considering it for him.  She decided to not hide her fear from him; to be as honest as possible so they could work through all of this properly and get back to exploring.

“Maybe.”  She whispered.  “Probably.”  She shrugged, the worry on her face clear.  She bit her bottom lip.  “I do.”  She finally said.  “I do but…” She took a deep breath, “Well you know why I’m nervous.”  She furrowed her brows, “I already said I wanted to do it.”  She complained.

“Yeah but… even then I never really believe it’ll happen.”  He said honestly.  “I hope.”  He grinned cheekily, “And I want… but I didn’t believe it would… but you got a book about it?” 

“I want it to happen.”  She said bravely, jutting her chin the way she’d learned from Chloe.  Finn took her in and felt a strange kind of honour well up in him; it was an honour that she’d let him do this… and then he remembered what she’d said before.  Sex wasn’t something he did to her.  They did it together.  “You know I thought about what you said about… wanting to be in all three of me holes.”  Finn scrunched his nose at the vulgar way of describing her body parts, “And… I want that too.”  She swallowed hard, “I want you inside of me in every way we can imagine and do.  Everywhere, all of me.  I wanna feel you inside o’ me, Finn.”  Finn couldn’t help but feel the sense of honour, of privilege, but mostly of intimacy and connectedness to her.  He stroked her face gently and they kissed sensually.  A deep sexual satisfaction washed through his body, but it was more than just sexual.  His hands held her body firmly his kiss devoured her, this was so much more than just a turn on for him. 

“I really get to have all of your body.”  He muttered, “I don’t just mean anal sex.”  He stuttered, realising he wasn’t being clear, “I mean… you let me touch you everywhere, and you’d let me kiss you everywhere… I get to experience all of your body… it’s such an honour.” 

“Steady on Finn.”

“Sorry.  It’s just hit me… how much you must trust me.”  He shook his head in disbelief and kissed her again, once again devouring her mouth, his hands firmly moving up her back to hold her to him.  He could feel her shaking, afraid of what she had told him.  “Just knowing how you trust me, that you’d let me experience all of your body in every way…” The grin he gave was of deep satisfaction and contentment; the trust she placed in him made him feel like he’d reached the pinnacle of manhood.  It did things to his insides, made him calmer, surer, but also made him want her more than ever.  “We don’t have to have anal sex Rae.”  He said, “It scares you.  And just knowing that you trust me enough to face that fear… that’s enough for me.”  He grinned so happily that Rae believed him completely.  She understood that this was the first time he’d said they didn’t have to have anal sex, and not had the hope they would eventually do it in the back of his mind.  Something about the way her trust in him affected him, and the way he was looking at her now, knowing that she trusted him completely, even with things that scared her like this, made her calmer, more self-assured.  He wasn’t running away from how open she was to him; he was looking inside her mind and soul more and more every day, and he was falling more in love with her every step of the way. 

“It’s been a long journey to get to this point.”  Rae said, “But I want to do it.  So I guess you owe me a favour then.”  She grinned and watched him nod slowly, accepting her decision with a serious expression, “I wanna do it… Eventually.”  She clarified, “I just need you to take your time with this one alright?”  He wrapped his arms around her.

“Alright.”  He promised.  “I’ll wait till you’re begging for it.”  He grinned cheekily, joking to ease her nerves, but feeling just as honoured as he had before.  She rolled her eyes and tutted at him. 

“Cocky bastard.”  She chuckled. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Try a Little Tenderness’ by Otis Redding _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnPMoAb4y8U>

 

“Slow down!”  Archie jogged to keep up and Tom shook his head.

“Running late Archer!”  He said apologetically.

“Well we wouldn’t be running late if you didn’t have to change your fucking shirt three times.”  Archie grumbled.  Tom grinned and watched him from the corner of his eyes.

“It takes effort to look this good.”  Tom teased and Archie shook his head, unimpressed.  “Oh please!”  Tom said to his glaring face, “You love that I’m a pretty boy.”  Archie rolled his eyes.

“Where are we going anyway?”  He asked, his eyes unable to stop from taking Tom in lustily; he was so damn good looking.  Archie sighed, desire sitting deep in his groin.  He imagined himself grinding his hips into Tom, fucking him in the stairwell to the parking lot, pressing him up against the wall, that pretty face of his straining against the lack of lube he was gonna be using the minute they got back to that stairwell.  Tom would love that.  Archie would love curling his hand over Tom’s beautiful mouth to stifle his grunts and groans. 

“I see the look you’re giving me.”  Tom grinned seductively, cockily, and Archie looked away, unable to stop himself from grinning in response, “We have to go to the bank, the doctor and my lawyer’s office.” 

“I’d rather go back to that stairwell.”  Archie said in a low voice.

“You mean that dark, filthy stairwell in the car park?”  Tom asked with a surprised voice; Archie was incredibly clean normally.  Fucking in a filthy stairwell was not his usual style. 

“Yeah.”

“You don’t normally like getting fucked without lube.”  Tom said, already knowing who was getting fucked in that stairwell.

“No.”  Archie answered with a crooked grin.  “No I don’t.”  He said as if glum, “You’re right.  Whatever will we do?” 

“Find someone who doesn’t mind getting his arse ripped.”  Tom said with a sexual chuckle. 

“Doesn’t mind?”  Archie scoffed, “More like loves getting fucked so it hurts.”  He grinned, “And I’ll spit first.” 

“You’re so romantic.”  Tom pulled Archie to him suddenly and kissed him passionately, biting his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood as he pulled away.  “The things I’m gonna do to you when we get home.”  He said with a dangerous lusty tone.

“The things I’m gonna do to you in that stairwell.”  Archie returned equally as dangerous and lusty before kissing him.  Tom normally hated tasting blood, but loved it with Archie and kissed him deeply in response. 

“Rip me a new one later, bank now.”  Tom laughed and pulled him by the hand towards the bank, laughing and jogging, Archie almost tripping and laughing even louder. 

They got to the bank just one minute before their appointment.  They sat down with a slightly affronted looking man, clasping hands and grinning like fools at each other.  Archie had no clue why they were there and didn’t really care as long as he was with Tom. 

“How can I help you today Mr Daley?”  He asked looking at first Tom and then Archie. 

“I wanna make my bank accounts joint with Archie.”  Tom answered and Archie looked over at him surprised, “Including my credit card, my stocks, my savings accounts, my superannuation, everything.”

“Well your superannuation has to be only in your name.”  The banker said and started to tap at his computer, “I’ll just get all the paperwork for you to fill out.  Equal access or will he require your permission to-”

“Equal access.”  Tom answered instantly, making a mental note to get his lawyer to draw up some forms to make sure his superannuation went to Archie if Tom died. 

“Of course sir.”  He left the office and Tom turned to Archie.

“You don’t have to do this.”  Archie said shaking his head, “I know you love me, you don’t have to… you don’t have to do this.”  Archie sucked his bottom lip momentarily, completely overwhelmed with emotions.

“What’s mine is yours Archie.”  Tom grinned.  “Though I don’t have as much money as I used to thanks to Rhys and our little endeavour.”  He pulled a face, “So I don’t know how good of a sugar daddy I am now.”  Archie broke out into loud laughter. 

“I need to get my account opened up to you… make it joint too.”

“No you don’t.”  Tom shrugged.

“No but I want to!”  Archie was kissing him when the banker came in, clearing his throat aggressively.  Sensing his discomfiture, Archie kissed Tom for a moment longer before slowly pulling away from him.  The banker showed Tom the paperwork he had to fill out and then left the room to get more.  Tom started on the forms.

“After this we gotta get the last of our shots for travel.”  Tom looked at his watch.

“And then your lawyer?”  Archie asked.  “Why your lawyer?”

“So I can make you my legal guardian and the benefactor of my will and make sure that no one tries to fuck with you if anything happens to me.”  Tom said not looking up from the forms, mindful of the time, “Cos if I died tomorrow, you’d be kicked out of your home because legally, my fucking parents would get all of my stuff, cos our relationship isn’t recognised as legitimate.”  He smiled bitterly.  “So I’ve had my lawyer draw up some iron clad papers to make sure no one can kick you out of your home and that all my stuff goes to you and that you get to make my decisions if it comes to it and… all that stuff.”  He shrugged, not being good with dealing with big emotions yet, and seeing the tears in Archie’s eyes made him get teary too.  He lowered his eyes, “We said we’d spend the rest of our lives together.”  Tom said, “If the law doesn’t ever catch up with love and give us equal rights to all the heteros… well… I don’t want someone kicking you out of our home when I die and you’re 90.”  Archie laughed and Tom reached his hand out to him.  “You got some stuff to sign here.”  Tom told him and Archie looked at the paperwork.  It was a form to get his signature for the credit card so he could use it.  He looked over at Tom and knew he wanted to marry him, and grow old with him.  He picked up a pen and signed the form carefully.

“How do I make a will and things like that?”  Archie asked.

“Well that’s why I decided to bring you along to my lawyer.”  Tom answered.  “After I’ve done all my paperwork, I’m gonna step out and let you organise your own will with him.” 

“Why are you gonna step out?”  Archie looked through the paperwork for anything else he needed to sign.  The banker came back in and handed Archie a pile of papers.

“These are for you to fill out sir.”  He said and again left the room.  Archie immediately started to fill in the forms.

“Your will is private.”  Tom shrugged, “I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave anything to me just cos I’m leaving my stuff to you.”

“Don’t be a dickhead.”  Archie laughed.  “Of course I’m leaving most of it to you.”  Archie shook his head, “It’s not like I got much to leave anyway.  And other than a few things for me mates and me family, it all goes to you.”

“My stuff is your stuff.”  Tom reminded him, “That’s our flat, not my flat.  So you got plenty to leave behind.”  Tom told him.

“Don’t see my name on the mortgage.”  Archie laughed and Tom grinned.

“Don’t have a mortgage.”  He shrugged, “I’ve been careful with me money.  Other than… the party helpers.”  He said softly.  “I paid it off about three months ago.  But that’s part of the papers I’ve gotten my lawyer to draw up.”  Tom said with a grin.  “It will have your name on it.” 

“Holy shit.”  Archie marvelled.  “I could totally take you to the cleaners if we split up.”  He laughed and Tom gave him a wry grin.

“Half of everything.”  He agreed, “If that ever happens.  But…” He stopped filling in the forms and looked up at Archie, “But you might as well take it all if we break apart.”  He said honestly, “Why the fuck would I want anything if I didn’t have you?” 

 

 

“It’s been a little over 6 months since your last STI check.”  Doctor Riker, Tom’s regular doctor since he’d moved to Stamford, mused over Tom’s file and Tom took a deep breath, his face indicating he’d forgotten that. 

“I suppose I’d better get that done then.”  He said, “It’ll be my last one.”  He looked over at Archie who he’d dragged in to the room with him, like he had for the last round of shots, Dr Riker had been on leave then and they’d seen a locum.  Dr Riker looked up at Archie and back to Tom.

“Finally found someone to tie your arse down huh?”  He asked with a light tone and Tom grinned.

“Doc Riker’s been on at me to be more careful with sex, you know?”  He explained to Archie, “And to settle down… always with the ‘settle down’ talk.”  Tom shook his head.  Dr Riker looked over at Archie.

“You must be extraordinary to get him to agree to monogamy, son.”  The doctor said and gave Archie a quick wink before calling the nurse in to draw the blood.  “And how’s your drug usage been?”

“About the same.”  Tom shrugged.  The doctor sighed as if he were a long suffering partner.

“Only settled down in one regard then.”  He mused and Tom gave him a wry grin.  “Let’s check all your chemical balances and vitamin levels and organ functions.’  He wrote up the tests and Tom furrowed his brows.

“Will you get these tests done?”  He asked Archie.  Archie hadn’t considered getting blood tests to check how his body was coping with his drug usage.  “You should probably get the sexually transmitted infections tests done as well.  Just to be sure.”  Tom lowered his eyes sadly.  “I was quite a tart.”

“Good means you learned a lot to teach me.”  Archie soothed and Tom flicked his eyes back up to his face happily. 

“And you need the last round of shots.  Tetanus and your last hepatitis immunisations.”  Dr Riker read over the countries they were going closely, “Better do polio as well, just to be safe.  And you’ll need anti-malarials for Egypt.” 

 

 

Archie tried to not rub his arm too much.  The place where the shots had gone in was aching and rubbing it only made it worse.  The lawyer was taking an unbelievably long time to go through everything.  It was mind numbingly boring and Archie sat there, plastering his eyes as wide open as he could to stop himself from falling asleep.  He managed to succeed easily when he properly started to watch Tom, all masterful and knowledgeable, demanding things and getting shit done.  Archie felt his head tip to the side as he watched Tom attacking the issue of their relationship’s legal standing from all angles, making sure that Archie was as protected as possible.  He was so sexy when he was like this; he might have made a good lawyer if he had the desire or temperament for it.  He certainly had the mind and masterful presence.  Archie sighed, tragically horny and realised he was again acting like Rae did when she looked at Finn… but he didn’t mind. 

Setting up his own will had been tedious in the extreme, but after watching Tom be so thorough, Archie was determined to get this right.  He had asked Tom to stay in the room, and he had acquiesced but was trying to make himself inconspicuous as Archie made his decisions.  He supposed he’d have to change this as he got older and owned more things, but he decided to leave his signed David Beckham shirt to Chop, his collection of Disney movies to Izzy, his favourite book of historical quotes to Rhys, his favourite jacket to Chloe, his record player and a few choice vinyls to Rae.  And to Finn, his longest and best friend he left a mangled GI Joe that Finn had always wanted to have but Archie had never let him play with when they were kids and his watch.  He left all of his awards to his parents and a couple of books to his sister.  Everything else went to Tom.  He’d probably have to tell his parents about this so they were aware of the decisions he was making, if it ever came to it, he didn’t want a legal wrangle between Tom and his family.  That would be very difficult for Tom to have to go through.  He also had the lawyer draw up all the same papers Tom had had done, so that Tom was his legal guardian and next of kin and everything he needed to sign so that Tom would be protected too.  Tom had been moved to tears when Archie had requested to give Tom the same legal protections and Archie had looked over at him with a confused look.

“It’s just… Tom said with a thick voice, “It’s as close to marriage as we can get.”  They’d kissed while the lawyer had taken a few notes and started the paperwork; they’d need to go back into the office in a few days for Archie to sign all the paperwork.

“S’pose I should call you me hubby then.”  Archie replied deciding to ditch the stairwell idea and take his partner home to make love.  Tom chuckled.

“We’ve moved quite fast.”  He whispered, for the first time worry crept into Tom’s heart.  But Archie shrugged.

“When you know you’ve found the one, why d’you need to wait?”  The lawyer left the room, excusing himself to get some more forms for them to sign before they could go.  “I know you’re the one Tom.  I am so in love with you… we’d just be wasting time waiting for some arbitrary amount of time to go by to tell us it’s ok to admit we’re in love.” 

“Sounds stupid when you put it like that.”  Tom was reassured by him, Archie always had a way of doing that.  Archie shrugged again. 

“I used to think people waited to be sure of what they’d chosen.  But what that really means is that people wait when they’re not sure.”  He touched Tom’s cheek, “I’m sure.” 

“You know I already got you a ring.”  Tom said, agreeing, “I’m sure too.” 

“I got you one too.”  Archie chuckled, “Just waiting for the right time to ask.”  Tom nodded sadly.

“And then we have a really long engagement.”  Tom frowned, “Until bigots stop ruling the place.” 

“It’ll get legalised eventually.  I can’t imagine them being able to stop us getting married forever.”  Archie said in an assured voice, “There’s not that much hatred in this world, I can’t believe that.  In the end they’ll see that love is what matters.  And the minute…”  Archie said immutably, “the minute Tom… that it’s legalised… I’m there.” 

“And until then we got our legal documents.”  Tom said with a mixture of sorrow and happiness.  “And I know exactly where and when I’m gonna ask you.”  Tom gave a teasing grin.

“Oh right?”  Archie chuckled, “Was it in your lawyer’s office?  Cos you’re the one who said this is the closest we can get to it right now…?”

“Is there a ring on your finger?”  Tom teased and Archie shook his head, “Right, so it’s obviously not here where I’m asking.” 

“When are you-”

“Can’t ruin the surprise.”  Tom put on a serious face as the lawyer came back in and they finished up their business. 

 

 

They dawdled back to the car, holding hands and chatting about their upcoming trip. 

“Now I know Dean is a wanker… and I should never believe a word he says…” Tom started slowly, “But he said something about… terrorists and attacks on tourists in Egypt?”  Archie sighed deeply.

“Yeah there’s been a few kidnappings and stuff, but mostly they’re attacking local security forces and police.”  Archie shrugged, “in reaction to the laws and stuff there.”  Tom nodded slowly.

“We won’t be in any danger will we?”

“Nah.”  Archie grinned, “I got us treading the well-trodden tourist paths in Egypt.”  He shrugged, “They’re popular tourist destinations for a reason.”  He explained with a wry grin, “And most of the kidnappings are happening is less touristy areas.  We’ll be fine.” 

“That’s all I needed to hear.”  Tom dawdled at a store front for a minute, looking at the clothes in the window longingly before sighing.  “No money.”  He groaned and they continued on. 

“You’re not used to having no money huh?”  Archie asked feeling a bit guilty. 

“Not in a long while.”  Tom agreed, “but it’s not because o’ you.”  Tom answered astutely, “It’s having multiple big expenses at the same time.  Especially the business.” 

“When we get back, I’ll get a job, get your bank balance up again.”  Archie grinned and Tom shook his head.

“Our bank balance.”  He corrected, “And have you had a look at our accounts?”  Archie shook his head.  “We’re not in any trouble Archer.”  Tom told him, “I just wanna have enough money to stay in 5 star hotels the whole time we’re away.”  He said wistfully, “So no new shirts.” 

“Not gonna happen.”  Archie chuckled.

“What is it with you and backpacking?’  Tom laughed.

“It’s not backpacking.”  Archie shook his head, “I just wanna stay in local hotels, owned by local people.  Give some money back to the countries we’re visiting.” 

“And I am positive Archibald, that there are some lovely local people running fabulous five star hotels.”  Tom said pointedly, “Give some extra money to a good cause; me having a luxurious bed every night.”  

“You’re such a decadent 80s boy.”  Archie said with a sneer.

“You love it.”  Tom teased.  Archie shook his head but had to laugh at the way Tom grinned.  “Plus you know they always overcharge at luxury hotels.”  Tom said, “More money to the local people is never a bad thing.”  He gave Archie a meaningful look, “Choose our hotels wisely.”  Archie groaned as if this was a horrible burden. But the truth was, he had loved every minute of planning this trip and he loved it even more every time Tom increased the budget a little bit. 

Archie got into the car behind the driver’s wheel and Tom settled in beside him, putting his hand on Archie’s thigh. 

“Hey…” Tom said hesitantly, “You know how I said I’d been a bit of a tart at the doctor’s?”  Tom asked gingerly.

“Yeah.”  Archie turned in his seat to look at Tom.

“I really have.”  He lowered his eyes.

“Alright.”  Archie realised that this was weighing on Tom.

“I know I was your first and… well…”  He paused.  “I’ve had more lovers than I can count.”  He said slowly, “a lot of ‘em I don’t even know their names.”  He looked up at Archie nervously.

“Not my first blowjob.”  Archie shrugged with a crooked grin.  Tom tried to not scoff and lowered his eyes.  “So I guess you wanna tell me about it?”  Archie asked.

“I suppose.”  He answered slowly and hesitated, not knowing how to go forward from here.

“More or less than a hundred?”  Archie asked with a grin and Tom laughed. 

“I actually don’t know.”  He bit his top lip and looked up at Archie with an apologetic face and Archie chuckled surprised.  “But possibly… more…”  His face betrayed how worried he was and Archie had to take a moment to absorb that.  “Probably… a lot… more.”

“Alright.”  He shook his head.

“I mean considering I went to quite a few orgies where I had several men at once… it’s not surprising that…” He stopped, realising that if Archie didn’t like what he’d already heard, that bit of information wouldn’t help.  “I’m sorry.”  Tom had never before apologised for his sexual appetites.  He’d apologised to his mother and sister for being gay once.  But never again from that day had he apologised for who he was. 

“You don’t have to be sorry.”  Archie told him, worried that he hadn’t raised his eyes yet.

“We have sex every day.”  Tom looked up at him, “Usually more than once….” He shrugged, “I got a high sex drive… very high… and…”

“I did notice.”  Archie replied with a chuckle and Tom chuckled too before looking away.

“Before you, I um… I didn’t want to look at the same face more than a few times before I was done with them.  Other than Rhys but he’s a fucking master at this stuff and a damn good friend, so I made an exception for him…” He furrowed his brows, “I honestly expected to spend the rest of my life fucking and torturing lots and lots of different men and I was more than happy with that.” 

“And getting tortured too.”  Archie grinned but Tom shook his head.

“You’d be surprised how few men really did a good job of torturing me properly.  You’re quite the master.”  Archie grinned, very pleased with his praise. 

“So when you took me out that first time?”  Archie wondered what Tom’s plan had been at first. 

“I dunno.”  Tom grinned reminiscently, “I um, I thought you were so fucking cute.”  He chuckled, “I knew I should keep my fucking hands to myself cos you were young and looked you looked like you were probably a virgin.  And I’m a dirty and very slutty, sadomasochist.”  He looked down at Archie’s hands, wanting to take one, “I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to get to know you.  I figured maybe I could just, guide you a little, so you wouldn’t get hurt.  You know, be the older gay guy that… helped.”  He laughed at himself, “I was in over my head from the minute I saw you, Archie.”  Archie reached forward and took his hand and Tom looked up gratefully, “You know I told Rhys about you just before that first date and said I wanted to guide you… and he joked with me that maybe I had fatherly instincts after all and I said, ‘no I don’t think of him like a son.’  And that fucker said ‘oh I know’ and gave me that enigmatic smile he gives when he knows something you don’t.  Bastard.  He knew I was in love with you long before I did.” 

“Yeah I know that smile of his.  How the fuck does he know everything?”

“Have a life like his and you learn to be observant I think… learn about human nature.”  Tom sighed, “I keep thinking that it was just a chance encounter, I nearly just drove past you… And my whole world changed.  I could have so easily missed meeting you and still be fucking loads of different men… I’m sure I would have been very happy, I liked my life before you.  But I love my life now.”  He looked Archie in the eyes, “I’m so glad I met you and my whole life changed and everything I thought about myself was turned on its head by a gorgeous, geeky, unassuming, god of a man.”  He touched Archie’s face, “My sex drive has increased since I’ve been with you.”  He confessed, “And my temper is down, and I’m calmer, and everything changed.  And there was no denial or angst or journey for me.  One day I was fucking up a storm with every poofter on the planet, the next day I could only see you and that was that.  D’you know after I dropped you off at the chippy on the day we met, I cancelled my date for that night.  I thought I was just not feeling up to it.  Not feeling 100%.”  He shook his head, “I didn’t realise it, but I belonged to you from the very first moment I saw you.” 

“So after that first day, you didn’t… fuck other guys…?”

“No I did.”  Tom laughed, “I’m not a fucking saint!”  He bit his bottom lip, “But only when the urge to fuck was driving me nuts and wanking wasn’t getting it done.” 

“I know what your sex drive is like.”  Archie had seen Tom go 24 hours without sex when Archie had been sick; he’d been practically climbing up the walls whilst simultaneously trying to be supportive and caring. 

“When I look back on it now, how the fuck did I not know I was in deep?”  He laughed, “My reluctance to fuck random guys, no matter how hot they were… and the way I kept checking my appointments to see if you’d booked one in…” He shook his head.  “Fuck.”  He laughed at himself again.  “I also had a moment of thinking that maybe we’d just fuck and that’d get you out of my system… but…” He shook his head, “Just made it worse.” 

“Sneaky fucker aren’t I?”  Archie grinned, “Got right under your skin, and I’m there to fucking stay Tom.  I don’t care about your past lovers.  And I’m well aware we’ll probably invite some random guys into our bed in the future.  I know who you are.  I’ve got my eyes wide open, I see you for exactly who you are, and I love you.”  He watched Tom’s face break out into a relieved grin, “I’m just disappointed it weren’t a thousand lovers afore me.”  He joked.

“Fuck it might o’ been I dunno.”  Tom laughed along. 

“So I suppose I should tell you what I was thinking in those early days?”  Archie asked and Tom grinned, nodding eagerly.  “I thought you were the sexiest man I had ever seen.  I still do.”  Archie thought for a moment, “For a while I didn’t know if I were gay or not.  It were real confusing.  I had kissed a lot o’ girls.  Rae… got a feel of those boobs.”

“Lucky bastard.”  Tom laughed and Archie chuckled.  “Although I have nestled me head in them!”  He grinned.

“For gay men we really do love boobs.”  He agreed.

“What’s not to like?”  Tom asked, “They’re just lovely, aren’t they?”  Archie nodded.  “anyway…” Tom nodded for him to continue. 

“And I kissed guys… but I felt nothing.”

“Because your full sexuality wasn’t being met.”  Tom said wisely and Archie nodded.

“I knew I were gay after I kissed a guy named Barney at a party at Rae’s place.  We kissed in spin the bottle and that were nothing.  But then we talked for hours and he kissed me again, and there was something so rough and insistent about it… almost violent.  I was hard for hours after that.”  Archie chuckled, “While he slept beside me I thought about aggressively fucking him.”  He smiled reminiscently, “I was so happy to finally pin it down.  To finally know I was gay.  And I had a couple of encounters, a couple of blowjobs… and I loved it all… but I kept thinking about Barney and the way he kissed.  And of course your Greek god face!”  Tom laughed, “When we started boxing… it felt like raw sexual violence...  And I wanted it.”  Archie said meaningfully.  “When we started fucking, I tried not to let myself get too emotionally attached to you, because you very obviously were the sort of guy that didn’t make lasting relationships.”  Tom nodded slowly, “So I repressed how I felt, and pretended that I was just enjoying fucking you, and learning what it was to be a sadomasochist, because you had shown me what I was.  What it had been about that kiss with Barney that had woken me up.  And when you said you loved me.  I knew I loved you.  I knew I’d loved you from day one.  But I hadn’t let myself even come close to acknowledging it until that moment, because I was sure you’d eventually get bored of me and fly away.”  Archie smiled ruefully, “But from the moment I acknowledged that I loved you, I knew I couldn’t live without you.”  Tom kissed his lips passionately.  They lost track of time, kissing, getting lost in each other’s taste when there was a knock on the windscreen.  They looked up to see a male police officer peering in.  He motioned for Tom to lower his window and Tom did.  The police officer looked in the car at both of them, ensuring they were both still fully dressed. 

“It’s illegal to commit lewd acts in public.”  He said and Tom nodded towards a couple of teenagers, no more than 16 years old, leaning up against a wall kissing, a few rows away.

“What about them?”  The police officer turned to look at the teenagers for a moment and then turned back to Tom and Archie.  He peered at Archie closely.

“I’m gonna need to see some ID.”  He said emotionlessly, but with a real sense of satisfaction. 

“And why’s that officer?”  Tom asked as he pulled out his wallet with an unimpressed expression.

“I’m officer of the law, I can ask for identification at any time I please.”  He replied as he looked at Tom’s ID, and then looked back at Archie, “But sir, just so you know, if that boy is a day under 18, I’ll be putting you away for a long time.”  He smiled smugly and held out his hand for Archie’s ID.  Archie looked back at the heterosexual teenagers as he pulled out his wallet.  Their legal age was 16.  His was 18.  He handed his ID to the officer and watched his smile fall slightly. 

“And how long have you two upstanding citizens been dating?”  He asked.  Tom looked back at Archie.

“A week.”  Archie answered firmly and Tom had to stop himself from smiling. 

“You kiss like that after a week?”  The officer asked.  Tom and Archie shared a glance; how long had he been watching them kiss?

“Don’t you know officer, all us poofters are sluts… that’s why AIDS gets around.”  Tom quipped and the officer gave him an unimpressed look as he handed back their ID. 

“I didn’t make the law, I just uphold it.”  He answered, “Have a nice day.” 

“You too officer.”  Archie replied, Tom nodding in agreement with a tight smile.  As soon as he was out of earshot Tom made a disgusted noise.

“Fucking homophobe.”  He muttered and Archie shook his head as he watched the officer walk right past the heterosexual teenagers. 

“We are never telling anyone, other than the gang, how old I was when we first had sex, alright?”  Archie said firmly and Tom gave a grim look. 

“Shouldn’t have to hide.”  He shook his head, “Should have the same age of consent.” 

“I know there’s nothing wrong with what we did.”  Archie understood; having different ages of consent implied that there was something inherently wrong, or more dangerous, or needing more maturity in homosexual sex than in heterosexual sex.  “But the law is not on our side, and I would not cope with the lonely nights I’d have to endure while you’re in jail.”  Tom sighed and nodded.

“We keep a secret then.”  He watched the cop until he was out of view, moodily sucking his teeth.

“Wanna order in some shit food and watch a b-grade horror movie?”  Archie asked and Tom turned a grinning face to his. 

“Almost the perfect night.”  He stroked Archie’s hair, “But I’ll make us something nice to eat instead, alright?” 

“If I ever say no to your cooking, you know an alien has taken over my body.”  Archie started the car and drove them home, enjoying the way Tom’s fingers traced patterns on his thighs, higher and higher until he was rubbing Archie’s cock through his jeans.  Archie took a wrong turn deliberately and smiled deviously at Tom.  Tom gave him that beautiful open mouthed grin and slowly unzipped Archie’s fly, his tongue slowly licking his top lip as he took Archie’s erect cock out of his pants. 

“Oops, another wrong turn.”  Archie faked an apologetic tone, “I’m still not used to driving to my new home.”  He took another wrong turn, knowing exactly where he was going and Tom slowly lowered his mouth to Archie’s cock, “When will I ever not get lost driving home?”  He asked before groaning deeply. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Secret’ by Madonna _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9c8bYuxLEg>

 

“Third day in a row.”  Izzy noted Elsa’s empty car park with a worried grimace before heading off to class. 

“What are you gonna do on your free?”  Rae asked Finn and he shrugged, his eyes on the empty car park.  “Gotta try and learn all me fucking lines for drama!”  He complained and Rae gave him a kiss.

“Thanks for still doing drama with me.” 

“I kinda like it now.”  He laughed, “It’s been a lot o’ fun.” 

“Oh aye?”  She asked with surprise and he shrugged, “Well I’ll see you at lunch yeah?”  They kissed deeply, Finn’s deep desire to have her, making him groan more than once before the kiss was finished.  She was breathless and the look on her face said she’d rather be fucking than going to her lesson, but reluctantly she turned to leave.  Finn had a lot of free time this year, he was only doing English, physics and performing arts; he didn’t count physical education because he only showed up half the time, which was just enough to keep him in the running to play the AFL match later in the school year.  Rae was doing five classes, as was Izzy and Chloe.  They were very busy.  Finn needed the extra study time though, it took him a lot longer to get the concepts in English and performing arts than the girls.  Physics was a doddle though.  He looked at his watch and back at Elsa’s empty car park.  It was 9:30 in the morning, and he had until 12:30 before he had to be back for lunch with Rae. 

Without giving himself too much time to think about it he jumped on his motorbike.  Rae and he liked bringing in the bike in the warmer months and he loved the bike his father had bought him.  Rae was going to learn how to ride the scooter so they could both have a bike. 

He was knocking on her door before he knew it, having successfully not let himself think on the entire trip over here.  There was a longer pause than usual before she opened the door, wearing a black singlet and back underwear, her hair a loose mess, flowing down her back.  She had no makeup on, and was carrying a cup of tea, and Finn saw a beautiful tattoo on her upper thigh that he averted his eyes from immediately. 

“What are you doing here?”  She asked him, shaking her head. 

“Everyone’s worried cos you been away for three days.”  He answered honestly, without adding that he was particularly worried. 

“So you appointed yourself messenger boy for everyone?”  She asked and he shook his head.

“No there was a vote, and a ceremony to give me my sacred duties…”  She chuckled.  “Can I come in?”  He asked, “I gotta pick up the undercoat I left here anyway, cos it turns out that Nelson men are like father like son.”  Elsa pulled a face at him, “me da thumped a hole in the wall… also because he’s an inarticulate dick who fucked it up with the woman he loves.”  Finn grinned.  “I figured two birds, one stone.  Get the undercoat, see if you was ok.”  He saw a moment of vulnerability in her eyes and became even more worried about her.  But it was covered immediately and she nodded once, opening the door wider for him.  She closed the door and headed straight to her bedroom to get some pants and Finn felt his eyes drop straight to her arse.

“Holy mother of god.”  He muttered silently to himself and looked away immediately.  Her arse in black underwear was quite a spectacular sight and Finn chastised himself for looking, standing at the door, waiting for her to return before heading into her laundry to get the undercoat.  Elsa wasn’t too fussed about Finn seeing her like this, he’d already undone her dressing gown and seen her partially naked, what was a singlet and a pair of knickers in comparison to that?  She came back into the lounge room doing up a pair of jeans, a lit cigarette hanging from her lips. 

“You know where the laundry is.”  She sat down on the lounge cross legged and sipped her tea. 

“Right.”  Finn said awkwardly, noticing the lack of bra as she sat down and her breasts moved freely.  He noticed that she wasn’t even looking at him, she’d picked up a novel: ‘Candy’ by Luke Davies and was chewing the skin around her thumb nail, cigarette in hand as she read.  Finn ambled off to the laundry and found the undercoat in the cupboard under the sink where he’d left it.  She clearly never went near that cupboard; all her laundry detergents were on the shelf above the washing machine.  He put the can of undercoat near the door and looked back over to Elsa, taking a few steps into the lounge room. 

“I can bring it back when I’m done if you want?”

“You paid for it, it’s yours.”  She shrugged and looked up at him.  She watched him for a moment as he struggled to find some words to say.  “Go on then,” She said, resigned, “Make yourself a cuppa.”  He clearly had something he wanted to talk about and Elsa was rather fond of Finn, so she’d give him a bit of her time.  He grinned lopsidedly and nodded his head before shuffling off to the kitchen, his head lowered, his hands in his pockets.  Elsa shook her head and looked back down at her book, determined to read to a good stopping point before he got back from the kitchen. 

He sat back down with the cup of tea and looked at her as she closed her book and put it on the coffee table. 

“You don’t look sick.”  Finn said immediately, blunt curiosity on his face.

“I’m not.”  She answered, “I just needed some time.”  They looked at each other for a moment, Finn with furrowed brows and Elsa with an imperious glare. 

“For what?”  He asked and she sighed.

“Finn it’s not really your business.”

“I know.”  He lowered his eyes.  “But… But a lot o’ people are worried.  And… they care about you.”  He shrugged and Elsa watched him fumble with his cigarettes momentarily before lighting up, sucking heavily on the smoke. 

“You mean you’re worried about me.”  She said astutely and he looked up and nodded.

“Aye.”  He answered, “I care about you Elsa.  You been in at school when you looked like you was dying o’ the black plague… and now you’ve had three days away and… you seem fine.  What’s happening?”  He saw the momentary vulnerability again, but this time it was not so quickly or so well hidden.  “Elsa…”  He tried to coax it out of her, “I know it’s not me business, and I know you’re conflicted cos I’m a student… but you’ve helped me so much and… I just wanna know you’re ok.” 

“I’m fine.”  She answered in an even tone.  He sighed, frustrated, and looked away.  “Is that everything you wanted to talk about Finn?”  Elsa asked and Finn knew she was meaning to ask him to leave in a moment.

“You know next week?”

“The drama competition?”  Elsa asked and Finn nodded, “what about it?”  She asked with a look in her eye that told Finn she had an idea of what he was about to say.

“What… what are the sleeping arrangements?”  He asked, not even sure why he was asking.  He knew it would be fine with Rae and Phillip. 

“I am intending to force Rae and Phil to sleep in a single bed in a tiny room far away from my prying ears so they can get up to who knows what.”  Elsa answered with a stern face that became truly lovely when the small cheeky grin at the end of her sentence was allowed a moment of expression. 

“Aye alright!”  Finn waved her off and she chuckled. 

“I thought you were getting over all of that?”  Elsa said, “It looked like your jealousy was… lessening.”

“It is.”  He answered, “But… I told him to tell her how he feels.”  Finn said, “To take her out to dinner and do his best.”

“Ah.”  Elsa answered, “The result you’re after is that she will tell him to fuck off, and Phil, having done his best, will be convinced to give up finally.”  Elsa said astutely, “Because you know that while there’s the tiniest chance or hope, Phil will keep trying.”  Finn nodded, “And if he doesn’t feel like he’s given it his all, he’ll feel like he should try a little harder.” 

“You got it.”  Finn grinned grimly.

“So your biggest rival is going to take out your girlfriend for dinner while at the drama camp?  How delicious.”  Elsa said with a devious smile, “Does Rae know this is coming?”  Finn nodded grimly, “Well that’s nice and awkward.”  She laughed, “Still it’s better than the constant pissing competition you two have been engaging in.”  She shook her head.

“That’s what I thought.  That’s why I arranged it.”  He shrugged.

“Did you not think that I might be planning where they’re eating each night?”  Elsa asked and Finn’s jaw dropped. 

“No I thought…”

“That I’d just be letting students under my care wander off wherever they wanted?”

“Fuck.”  Finn lowered his eyes.  Elsa watched his struggle with curiosity.

“Why don’t you three just have a threesome?”  She teased, “You’re teenagers, why are you taking everything so seriously?” 

“Are you actually encouraging deviant sexual practices?”  Finn asked and Elsa laughed.  “Leading my fragile teenage mind astray.”  He teased. 

“I don’t think that’s possible.”  She shook her head and Finn looked at her closely; her words surprising him. 

“All teenagers, or just me?”  He almost wished he hadn’t asked when he saw the grin fall from her face. 

“Most teenagers are deviants.  They don’t need my help.”  She picked up her cup of tea and finished it off. 

“You meant me.”  He said, “You meant I’m a deviant.  That you couldn’t lead me astray cos I’m already astray.”  He felt a knot in his stomach; conflicted sexual attraction.  She sucked on her cigarette and shrugged.

“You are a bit forward.”  She said eventually. 

“And?”  He prodded and she shook her head.

“I may have noticed things in you that…” She shrugged, “Are…”  She shook her head and pulled out another cigarette lighting it from the end of the last one.  “You seem to have tendencies.”  She finished after a pause.  Finn nodded his head slowly. 

“I have a very dark side.”  He agreed, “some of the things I…” He lowered his eyes.  “You know I’ve often thought that I would’ve been very happy with someone like you.”  He said softly, “Being in a haram of fucktoys.”  He grinned cynically, “having orgies and all that sort of… stuff.”  He shook his head.  “I would have been happy with you.”  He held Elsa’s eyes, waiting to see how she’d respond, expecting some talk about how he simply wanted what he couldn’t have. 

“I know.”  She answered to his surprise.  He felt a thrill of excitement inside of him.  She wasn’t denying this side of him, and it felt wonderfully validating.    

“I…” He lowered his eyes, not able to believe that he was going to say this, but knowing if he didn’t now, he never would, “I have feelings for you.”  He confessed.

“I know.”  She said gently. 

“Strong feelings.”  Now that he was letting himself admit to it, he allowed himself to fully feel those feelings for a moment.  “Very strong feelings,” he corrected, his brows furrowing.  Elsa remained silent.  “And Rae has feelings for Phil.”  He sighed. 

“I know.”  Elsa gave him a reassuring smile. 

“We’re together and we both have feelings for other people.”  He shook his head slowly.  “How it is even possible to love someone as much as I love Rae and…?”  He looked up at her, “how can I have feelings for you when I love Rae as much as I do?”

“Because contrary to popular fictional romance standards, the human heart is very capable of loving multiple people.”  She shrugged, “I think I’m proof of that.”

“And Rae…”  He lowered his eyes, “I used to feel so jealous about her growing feelings for him, but now I feel calm about it.”  He shook his head, “It’s so weird.” 

“She doesn’t know that she has those sorts of feelings for Phil.” 

“My turn to say ‘I know.’”  Finn grinned humourlessly, “She will after this dinner.”  He sighed, “Why is it all so complicated?”

“People are never attracted to just one person Finn.”  Elsa said, “Nor do they just love one person.”  Finn nodded, acknowledging just how right she was, “A lot of people manage to segregate love; this is romantic love, this is friendship love… all that rubbish…”

“But love is just love.”  He understood. 

“That’s right.  So everyone loves more than one person… and in fact most people love more than one person in a way that makes them want to be with that person.”  Elsa gave him a sad smile, “A lot of people think that you can only love one person like that at a time.  But that’s not true.”  She blew out smoke from her cigarette, “Most people kill off the love they feel for others for the sake of monogamy, out of fear that loving someone else lessens the love you feel for your primary partner.  Or that it makes that love less special or less real.  It doesn’t.  It’s such a limiting idea that you can only love one person at a time.  And I intensely dislike the idea that love can only be valid or real if you only love one person.  The love I feel for my lovers is no less real than the love you feel for Rae.”  Elsa shrugged, “Polyamory works for me because I know I can love more than one person at a time.  I don’t think I have to close all other doors to love a person to the fullest of my abilities.  I love all of my partners so much… I am hopelessly in love with all of them.  And they all love me.  Which is good, because I am a difficult and demanding woman… and I need a lot of love.”

“You know sometimes polyamory sounds like the best thing… sometimes I wish I could have it.  And in those moments I regret that… you would never go for me.”

“That’s not true.”  Elsa answered, understanding what Finn needed and letting him have it. 

“What?”  His eyes widened slightly.

“I don’t believe in closing doors Finn.”  She told him sincerely, “In the right circumstances…” She took a deep breath, “I don’t like saying this to a student, you understand?”  He nodded, “But…” She shrugged, “In the right circumstances I most certainly would… enjoy your company.”  Finn sat with that for a moment.

“Are you serious?”  He asked finally, “You’d actually fuck me?”

“In the right circumstances.  Yes.”  Finn felt a strange lightness overcome him.  Part of his problem with the idea of Phil and Rae was that Phil was Rae’s candle and he wanted her, while Elsa, Finn’s candle, didn’t want him. 

“Why?”  He asked slowly.

“You’re excruciatingly attractive and you have the right tendencies.”  She answered, “Feel better now?”  She asked, aware of why he had needed to hear this from her.  Aware of the comparison he drew between herself and Phillip. 

“Aye.”  He answered, “Are you bullshitting me to make me feel better?”  Elsa grinned.

“You decide what you wanna believe.”

“D’you have feelings for me?”  He pushed.

“Finn…”  She shook her head and gave him an annoyed look. 

“The truth.”  He said, “I know you got your morals or ethics or whatever… I’m a student and all that… but I’m not under 18 anymore… and that age limit thing is total bollocks by the way!”  He told her, “I know I’m a student, but I am your friend too…” 

“Why is the age thing bollocks?”  She changed the topic slightly. 

“Cos at 17 Elsa I were ready for you, I would o’ fucked you till you couldn’t breathe and been perfectly fine with whatever supposed consequences you reckon would o’ come from that.” 

“Rae.”  Elsa reminded him.

“Except for Rae, obviously!”  He snapped, “I mean in a world where I didn’t know Rae.  And it were just you… I’m no more ready for you now that I’ve crossed that imaginary line than I were back then.  I were ready for you the moment I saw you.  Still am.  Except for Rae obviously.”  He added, “Why’d you come up with that line?” 

“I… knew… know… a man, that I have known since he was a 14 year old boy.”  She chose her words carefully, “I got him out of a very bad situation and helped find him a home and got him back into school and a couple of friends of mine helped him out with… various things and… I talked to him once a month to make sure he was doing ok.  Usually on the phone, sometimes in person.  But I felt a sense of guardianship over him, even though in the legal and even real sense, I didn’t have that…”  Finn had a feeling she was talking about Rhys.  “When I went to visit him on his 16th birthday, he’d gotten a job that he still loves to this day, and he was very happy, finally.  And because he was happy, instead of focusing wholeheartedly on trying to get his life back together, he started to notice things, like, that other boys his age where chasing after girls.”  Finn watched her smoking as she told him this part of her history.  “And he propositioned me… very…” She started to chuckle, “Very formally.”  Finn watched her eyes light up with memory, “And I felt… concerned that he felt beholden to me because I had gotten him out of an unsafe situation.  And I felt concerned about the age difference and the power difference and… I still felt like I was his guardian.”  Finn lit up another cigarette, fascinated by what he was sure was Rhys’s story, “So when I said no, he asked why and I tried to explain it and he asked me at what age would my concerns go away.  In a very serious way; like he was gonna take notes and make the situation better, not like he was angry or thought I was wrong”  She shook her head, “Cheeky bastard.  He threw me for six.  I had no idea how to answer, so he persisted asking me at what age would he be good enough, be seen to be man enough, be ready, in my eyes.  He reminded me that given the life he’d already had, perhaps I was underestimating him based on a number.  So I blurted out 18.”  Elsa chuckled, “I’d never had a lad hit on me before, always men, so it was new territory.”  Finn laughed; the lads at school hit on her quite regularly, and he had seen firsthand that she handled this kind of thing much better now.  “And he nodded his head and said, ‘18 then.’  I figured that in those two years, he’d forget about it and find a girl his own age.”  She grinned.  “And that age rule stuck after that.”  She shrugged, “In reality Finn… in regards to your age, yeah you probably were ready.  And I’ve known people older than you that were not ready for someone like me.  But I have that rule and I stick to it, arbitrary as it is.” 

“Glad you admit it.”  He said smugly and she shook her head unimpressed, “What happened?”  Finn asked, but Elsa did not reply, “With Rhys, what happened?”  Elsa chuckled.

“Should o’ known you’d see who it was.”  She muttered at him with a reluctant grin.  “We had the same regular contact for the next two years, he didn’t mention it again.”  She said with a demure smile.

“And?”  Finn asked, “We both know it didn’t end there.” 

“Finn!”  Elsa said.

“What?”  He shrugged, “The whole gang, Chloe included, already know you two fucked.”  He told her and she rolled her eyes.  “So what happened?”  She sighed and gave in. 

“And on the day before his 18th birthday, he showed up on my doorstep at about 1 minute to midnight.”  She shook her head fondly.  “Determined, cheeky, bastard.”  Finn laughed.  “He didn’t give me one hint of expecting me to do it, he just… wanted me.  So he made sure he was available, should I choose to go through with it.” 

“Sounds like Rhys.”  He nodded his head, “Did you have sex with him then?”

“I reckon you’ve heard enough of that story!”  Elsa threw her matches at him and he batted them away with a grin. 

“Yeah you had sex with him.”  He grinned. 

“I did.”  She agreed with a contrite look, “And it was really good!”  They laughed. 

“I bet.”  Finn shook his head.

“Oh Finn, interested in Rhys?”  Elsa asked with a suggestive tone.

“Aaah.”  Finn answered slowly, “I dunno…” He laughed, “Hadn’t thought about it.”  And he realised that this was as snapshot of what life could have been, how she would have pushed him, how much fun it would have been to be schooled by her. 

“Oh how could you have not thought about it?”  She grinned.  “You know if I’m honest, he was more than ready for me at 16… I wasn’t ready for him.  He… consumes his lovers completely.  You forget who you are when you’re making love with him.  It’s… quite remarkable.  If you ever wanna explore men… make an exception to your heterosexuality; I would highly recommend Rhys.”  Finn laughed and shook his head, “Don’t worry, I think Rhys is an exception to most people’s rules.”

“So are you.”  Finn replied and she nodded slowly.

“Yeah I suppose I am.”  She shrugged, “But Rhys… He is the epitome of the perfect man.” She continued, “But then I know a few of those.’  She nodded cheekily.

“Oh right?”  Finn laughed, “And who’s at the top of that perfect pile?”  Her face dropped slightly, the smile turning from cheeky to reminiscent.

“Rafael.” 

“Tell me about him?”  Finn asked and Elsa grinned gently.

“My first real love.”  She opened her eyes wide as if it were a shock that she had ever had a first love.  “Not the first person I fucked, or my first relationship,” She shook her head “No, he was the first person I ever fell in love with… he made even me think that monogamy might not be such a bad thing… for a while anyway.”  She grinned at his surprised face, “We all wonder what it’s like on the other side o’ the fence sometimes Finn.”  She told him. 

“What was he like?”  She lowered her eyes in reminiscing, a smile playing across her face.

“Kind.”  She said almost sadly, “I’ll never forget how kind he was.  And funny and… He looked a bit like you, you know.  But with blue eyes and darker hair.”  Suddenly a memory went off in Finn’s head.

“Has he got a twin named Dominick?”  He asked surprised and Elsa’s mouth opened in surprise.

“How d’you know Dominick…?”  And then realisation, “I’m gonna have to have a chat to Mr O’Daire!  Inviting you to that club!”  She shook her head.  “Unbelievable.”  She scoffed, “How was he?”

“Um… Rough… and commanding?”  Finn asked and Elsa laughed.

“I don’t mean the fucking, I mean… was he…?”  She shook her head, “Happy?” 

“He asked Rae and me for a threesome.”

“Oh do it!”  She laughed, “Oh he’s so good in bed.”  She answered, “Get him off that stage and he’s…” She stopped and suddenly laughed.  “God what am I fucking saying?”  She chuckled, “I forgot who I’m talking to.” 

“I don’t think threesomes are something Rae and I are interested in.”  He agreed, “We seem to be doing a pretty good job of keeping each other happy the way we are.”  Elsa nodded.

“Your relationship with Rae brings out certain personality qualities.  Different relationships bring out different things.”  Elsa agreed, “If you were with someone like me, we’d be having threesomes and that kind of thing.  With Rae, you are more exclusive… that’s what suits your relationship with her…”  She shrugged, “it’s not for me.  But it works for you, so it’s perfect.” 

“She’s my sun, you know?”

“And in that metaphor that makes me… the moon.”  She said slowly.

“A candle.”  He corrected and she shook her head.

“I’d bring out your dark side, I’m not a source of light for you.  I’m the moon.”  Finn shook his head.

“Aye, but the moon can eclipse the sun and-”

“And I nearly did.”  She said and he had to acknowledge that.  “And eclipses aren’t permanent.  You would have regretted it if you’d fucked me.”  She told him and he nodded.

“I know.  I’m very glad you stopped me.”

“I think you would have stopped yourself at some point.’  She said.  “Maybe not the first time we fucked, or maybe before the first time, or maybe after the tenth time… but you wouldn’t have lasted the whole night without stopping yourself.”  He felt genuinely uplifted.

“Thanks.”  He was happy she had some faith in him; he wasn’t sure he deserved it.

“So is Phil Rae’s candle or moon?”  Elsa asked herself, “Definitely candle.”  She answered, “But a strong, pillar candle.”  Finn chuckled, enjoying the way she went with his metaphor.

“Are you gonna let them have the dinner?”

“Tuesday night I presume?”  Finn nodded in reply.  “Alright.”  She replied and he smiled in a grim thank you.  “Don’t fret Finn.”  She told him, “Rae does not love Phil as much as she loves you.”  She looked at him sympathetically, “Just like you don’t love me as much as you love Rae.”  Finn looked at her for a long time.

“No.”  He agreed, “But I do…” he said softly, “I do love you.”  She nodded.

“Never tell a soul, but I love you too Finn.”  She said with apparent honesty, but Finn still had to wonder if she was just telling him what he wanted to hear, “But not in a way that I’ll ever lose sleep over.”  He laughed.  He had a feeling that Elsa loved a lot of people and that if she had actually meant what she said, he wasn’t a special case for her, not like she was for him.  But that was ok. 

“You always make me feel better about the things I feel.”  He said.

“Because I remind you that everyone is complicated.”  She sighed, “Unfortunately nothing is ever clean or simple or perfect, no matter how much we want it to be.”  She shrugged, “People have complicated minds and feelings and lives.  And a lot of people repress a lot of what they feel.”  She said sadly, “But you’re not doing that.  You’re trying to have a completely honest relationship with Rae, where you both put your hearts and souls completely on the line, in the open… I admire that.  But it does mean,” She said pointedly, “That you don’t get to repress those hard emotions that might threaten your relationship or be difficult to admit… so… you both have to admit that you have feelings for other people; even other people like me… it doesn’t change your feelings for Rae.” 

“Not one bit.”

“Does it make you yearn for something you can’t have?”  She asked and Finn thought on this. 

“You’d think it would.”  He said, “Admitting feelings that people normally repress… but it’s just really freeing actually.”  He shrugged, “For me anyway.”  He considered her question again, “I know there’s a small part of me that wants this life with you… but the vast, overwhelmingly vast, majority of me can’t think of a life without Rae.”  He sorted through it all, “I think that had I tried to repress the part of myself that could enjoy this lifestyle… I think it would have grown.”  He realised.

“Like a mushroom in the dark.”  Elsa said knowingly, “You’re not the kind of person that does well with repressing, and neither is Rae.  You both feel things too keenly, too deeply and your repressed feelings end up manifesting themselves in very unhealthy ways.  I have a friend, Kester, who says that shining a light on things is for the best, and it’s one of the few things we agree on.”  She grinned.  “Cos knowing what’s inside of you, means you can properly address it and deal with it.”  Finn took a moment to agree before turning his mind to something else.

“I know Kester.”  Finn said with a sly grin. 

“I thought you might.”  She shrugged.

“You and Kester?”  He asked suggestively.

“What about us?”  She asked in a tone that he couldn’t quite read.

“You’re… friends right?”

“Yes.”  She answered with an unreadable expression and Finn nodded slowly. 

“Right.”  He replied slowly.  “Just friends?” 

“You make it sounds like being friends is a terrible thing.”  She laughed him off, “So how is your house building going?”  She asked him, returning to the metaphor she’d used for a relationship many months ago, and he let the topic of Kester go and thought about her question.

“Good.”  He said, “I think I’m leaning how to love without being selfish.”  He answered, “We talk pretty honestly.”  He said, “Although I do still keep some things to myself.”  He furrowed his brows, “She pointed out to me yester that I kinda act like she’s a victim… I do feel like I have to protect her from me.”  He said, “From the worst parts of myself.”  He picked at his nails, “So I’m working on that.”

“The worst parts of yourself?”  Elsa asked, “What does that mean?”  Finn shrugged.

“Like I said, I have a dark side.”

“Oh yeah, terrify me with it.”  She invited him to tell her about it.

“I think that I might have… some sadistic tendencies.”  He said slowly.

“And some masochistic ones.”  Elsa returned, “I know ‘em when I see ‘em.”  She nodded. 

“I worry that it’s too much for her.  You know she’s been through a lot… and she can be fragile sometimes.  Vulnerable…”

“She’s also incredibly strong.”  Elsa reminded him.

“I know.”

“And if you treat her like she’s fragile all the time, she will become as fragile as you treat her.”  Elsa said, “It’s not up to you to decide what she can and can’t handle.”

“It’s up to her I know.’  He sighed, “It’s hard to kill off the protective part of me.” 

“You don’t have to kill off the protective part of yourself.”  She lit up another cigarette, “You just have to know when to use it.”

“Oh aye, and when’s that?”  He shook his head, thinking that he was very bad with that kind of thing.

“When she asks you to.” 

“What if she doesn’t wanna put me out or disappoint me, so she don’t ask?”  Finn asked worried. 

“Well you gotta trust her to do the right thing.”  Elsa said, “And for that to happen, you need to create the kind of relationship that she can always be honest in.”  Realisation came to Finn.

“I have to tell her I have feelings for you.”   He said with real fear and Elsa nodded.

“It’s only fair; you know about Phil.”  Elsa pulled her legs out of being crossed and put her feet on the table.  “And honesty is an important part of the type of relationship you’re trying to build.”

“Do I tell her what…?”  He stopped himself from using a euphemism and spoke clearly, “Do I tell her I kissed you?” 

“You weren’t with her when it happened, so I’d normally say no.”  Elsa considered his question, “But you’ve realised you have feelings for me so… it’s relevant, I think.”  She shrugged, “But it’s up to you.  You have to decide what’s right for you in your relationship with Rae.  And she has to decide what’s right for her.”  Finn nodded.

“What about burdening her with it, like you said before?”  He asked, thinking about how the Chloe kiss had hurt Rae.

“Well,” Elsa considered, “Sometimes you can burden someone with a lie.”  She said, “Especially if the situation is ongoing.  Had you just kissed me and felt nothing for me, the situation would be over but…”  Finn nodded

“It’s not over cos I have feelings for you, and I probably always will.”

“Hm.”  Elsa agreed, “And she’s not the same person anymore.”  Elsa said, “She won’t take it the same way she would have nine months ago.”  Finn nodded, understanding just how true that was. 

“I have to tell her.”  He thought about Rae asking about how it was that he knew Elsa so well, how he’d felt his eye twitch as he had had to lie to her about it, how he spent the next few hours hoping she hadn’t seen the eye twitch.  He hated having this secret from her.  Hated lying to her.  But more than that, he wanted them to both be completely naked together, and that meant complete honesty.  He knew their relationship could survive this.  It was surviving Phillip just fine. 

“I would do it after the drama camp.”  Elsa said with a wry grin, “I want her to win!”  Finn laughed.

“She’s really got a shot hasn’t she?”  He asked and Elsa nodded.

“That piece her and Phil wrote is very powerful and he is a superb actor, and the last 6 months has seen a marked improvement in her acting; she’s incredible now.  They have a real chance to win this.”  Finn saw the excitement in her eyes and understood why Rae had chosen the piece with Phil over the piece with him to go to when she thought she could only go to one.  There was far less chance that their piece would win. 

“I’ll wait till after.”  He grinned, “I want her to win too.  I want her to be happy more than anything.” 

“Seems to me like you’ve got communication improving all the time.  But I think your foundation slab; trust, is lacking a little bit.”  Elsa returned to their conversation and Finn nodded. 

“Not in the ways that most people think though.”  He said, “I trust her not to cheat or shit like that.”  He said.

“You don’t trust her to take care of herself.”  Elsa said and he nodded.

“I don’t trust her to do what’s right by herself.”  He agreed, “And that means that sometimes I don’t believe her when she says she’s fine with something or she wants something, especially if I want it too.”  Elsa lit up another cigarette, Finn following suit. 

“You got a nice commitment fence.”  She grinned, “And roof of love waiting to get propped up on shaky communication walls.”

“Cos the communication won’t improve til I can trust the words coming out of her mouth.”  Finn sighed.  “Sometimes I’m a right fuck up at this stuff.”  He groaned.  “Fuck, why am I saying sometimes?”  He chuckled grimly.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”  She said, “Be as kind to yourself as you are to Rae.”  Finn’s brows furrowed, “And as compassionate as you are to Rae, be that to yourself too.”  Finn nodded slowly, his mind taking that in.  “Tell me Finn, what chance did you have to learn how to be in a healthy relationship of any kind?”  He looked at her for a moment, for some reason that thought made tears sting at his eyes and he looked down.

“None.”  He said, his mother had left when he was too young to ever really learn from his parents how a relationship worked. 

“Neither has Rae.”  Elsa added, “So you two are doing a fucking fantastic job.”  Finn smiled sadly.

“Aye.”  He agreed, feeling warmth spread through his chest.

“And don’t fucking forget it.”  She said, “This monogamous, ‘you’re the one’ stuff might not be for me.  But I look at the way you two love each other and the way you both work and fight for each other, and I admire you both.” 

“Thanks Elsa.”

“Work on trusting.  Work on creating a good foundation.  Make an environment in which she can speak her mind at all times, without worry that you’ll leave her for it.”  Elsa told him, “So you can learn to trust her to take care of herself, so that you can believe her when she says she’s ok.” 

“It’d be nice to not worry so much.”  Finn agreed. 

“You’ve put in all the hard work you knew it was gonna take to be with her.”  She said with a grin, “You’re one hell of a man, Finn.”  Finn looked up at her gratefully, “you went into this with your eyes open, knowing it would be a battle, knowing it would be hard for the rest of your life… and you haven’t flinched once.  And look at how she’s grown, because you never let her down.”  And the stinging at his eye produced tears.  He sucked his bottom lip and wiped them away quickly, taking a deep breath. 

“I’ve made so many mistakes though.”  He shook his head.

“And you’ve gotten right back up and tried again.”  She told him, “So you’re not perfect.  So you didn’t know the right way to do absolutely everything.  It’s not the mistakes that make you who you are, it’s how you correct them that tells me all about your character.  I know exactly who you are.  And so does Rae.” 

“She trust me so much.”  Finn shook his head, “She’s always a step ahead o’ me with this relationship stuff.”  He laughed.  “She prob’ly always will be.  That’s my girl, though innit?  Fucking brilliant.” 

“She is one of a kind.”  Elsa agreed.

“You love her too, don’t you?”  Finn asked and Elsa smiled fondly.

“I’m very protective of Rae,” Elsa nodded her head to indicate that she did love Rae, “But you two are gonna kill me!”  She laughed, “I’ve never had students get under my skin so much.”  She gave him a pretend unimpressed look and he laughed.

“When we get outta that place, tell me that us three are gonna be mates.  Proper like?”

“I’d like to see how it turns out for you two.”  She agreed and Finn took that as an affirmation of their future friendship.  “Though I won’t go to the pub with you fucking alcoholics!”  She laughed and then a thought came to her, “Tell me that Tom isn’t leading you all too far astray.” 

“I forgot that you’d know him too.”

“A little.”  She agreed, “Enough to have seen him and Rhys fucking, totally high!”  She laughed. 

“Jesus Christ!”  Finn laughed shaking his head, “Well no such behaviour nowadays.”  He reported.

“Good.  Although I do hope he hasn’t calmed down too much… he’s a lot of fun.”

“A lot of fun?”  Finn asked surprised.

“There’s more than one type of fun, you pervert!”  She chuckled, “He’s gay Finn!”

“Yeah, but he did say something about Pandora…”

“Oh god!”  Elsa shook her head, but clearly was not going to say any more about that topic.

“So did you introduce Rhys to that club?”  Finn was surprised to see her shake her head.

“No, he introduced me when he was 19.”  She said and he saw a strange look in her eye that he couldn’t read.  Finn decided to let it drop. 

“So I come here to try and help you, and all that happens is you help me.”  Finn shook his head and Elsa shrugged to indicate it was fine, she didn’t mind.  “Please let me help you.”  Finn said earnestly, “Talking always makes me feel better nowadays.”  He grinned to think about how much he hated talking before he met Rae.  He saw that vulnerability in her eyes again.  “I’ll bet you haven’t let yourself talk to anyone about it, whatever it is.”  He said and Elsa gave a slight nod. 

“I’d normally talk to Lysa, but she’s visiting family in America.”  She said softly. 

“Well I’m right here.”  He leaned forward and silently waited.

“Remember how I told Rae about my grass tattoo?”  Finn nodded.  “The guy I left… the guy that had been starving me to make me skinny?”  She jogged his memory and he nodded, “He’s the one that actually moved me over to the UK from Australia.”  She drew on her cigarette.  “I haven’t seen him since I left him.  We were in Northern Ireland when I left.  I figured he’d stay there and I’d be safe here.”  She was silent for a long time.  “He’s in Stamford.”  Her brows furrowed and Finn saw a hollowed out look in her eyes that left him in no doubt of the trauma this man had put her through.  “And I just don’t wanna see him.”  She said simply.  “He’s here for a conference.”  She said, “He’s a doctor.  The conference was advertised in the local papers.  He’s a keynote speaker.”  Finn’s mouth opened in surprise.  “He’ll be gone tomorrow.”  She shrugged. 

“I think it’s fine to not wanna see someone that hurt you.”  Finn replied and she smiled at him.

“I know.”  She replied, “But I always imagined that if I saw him I would embark upon giving him a long, thorough and well-deserved arse-kicking!”  Finn chuckled with her, “But it turns out, I just don’t wanna see him.  I don’t want him to know that I live in Stamford now.”  She shook her head.  “So I am hanging about my house until he’s gone.” 

“Well if you’re running out o’ milk or something, I can bring you some.”  Elsa gave him a genuine smile.

“Thanks Finn.  But I am still having company, and I can just ask them to bring that sort of thing with them.” 

“Alright, well if you need anything?”

“Thanks.”  She repeated.  “Let’s go back to talking about you.  I’m more comfortable that way.”

“Oh right!”  He chuckled, but after a moment he looked up at Elsa, “D’you think Phil could have made Rae happy?”

“Undoubtedly.”  She watched Finn nod, “But does Rae think that?  Because hers is the only opinion that matters on this.” 

“Gonna find out on Tuesday.”  Finn said, “Well I won’t find out till Wednesday when I get there.”  He sighed. 

“So you got a week.”  Elsa said, “Till you find out what you already know.”  She shrugged. 

“I got a week till I find out how she reacts to realising how she actually feels about Phil.  A week till I see what emotional fallout there might be from the whole thing.” 

 

 


	7. Chapter 4 - Tipping Point (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic.
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 2 
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo

 

_ ‘Purple Haze’ by Jimi Hendrix _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjwWjx7Cw8I>

 

“You could just call her Izabella.”  Finn shook his head grumpily and Woody gave him an incredulous look.

“I’m not gonna call her by her fucking name.”  Woody looked like this was an obvious answer to Finn’s scruples. 

“It’s a fucking Hendrix song!”  Finn shot back.

“I know that.”  Woody shook his head, “But it’s also her fucking name!”  He retorted, “Fucking hell Watchtower, you think you’re gonna fucking teach me about Hendrix?”  Finn rolled his eyes.  Woody had been giving them all nicknames based around Jimi Hendrix songs.  Rae was ‘Foxy Lady,’ Finn was ‘All Along the Watchtower.’  He’d just named Izzy ‘Little Wing’ and Chloe ‘Voodoo Child.’  Other members of their makeshift school lunchtime gang also had nicknames, James was ‘Manic Depression’ and Phil was ‘If 6 was 9,’ but that was just shortened to ‘If’ or ‘69’.  Bethany was ‘Fire’ and Macca, who had mysteriously started sitting with them too was ‘Ezy Rider.’  And Woody was of course, ‘Purple Haze.’  Rae listened to Finn and Woody arguing; Finn had wanted more lads, but the lads he had were making him grumpy as fuck.  It was just the three of them at the table for now, everyone else would make their way over as soon as they got their lunch from the canteen. 

Rae was fretting.  Yesterday he’d been late for lunch; he’d gone round to Elsa’s place.  Apparently it was to pick up the undercoat and drop it home so he could fix the wall this weekend, but how did doing that take so long that he was late for lunch?  She watched him arguing with Woody, a feeling of worry in the pit of her stomach; she liked Elsa, but she’d never feel alright about arriving on her doorstep unannounced.  But Finn did.  Rae felt someone sitting beside her and turned to see Phil, deep in conversation with Chloe and Izzy who sat on Woody’s side of the table, he gave her a grin before continuing to chat and James came and sat on the other side of Finn, Bethany squeezing in next to him, making everyone squeeze in closer.  Finn suddenly became aware of the dynamic of the siting arrangement, Rae was in between Phil and himself, and James, probably another admirer of hers, was sitting next to him, while Macca sat next to Woody opposite Bethany, the two of them unable to stop talking.  Finn’s thighs were pressed against Rae and James and he looked over to see Phil’s thigh pressed up against Rae’s. 

“Hey Earl, you finished the children’s lit essay?”  James asked around Finn and he rolled his eyes, thinking he’d deal with one lad liking Rae at a time as they talked around him.  He looked up to see Bryn ambling over; their pet first year student, was what Chloe was calling him.  He sat next to Izzy, making the other side of the table have to squeeze in too now. 

“Fuck our group’s getting big!”  Chloe laughed.

“You’re right!”  Finn agreed and turned to Phillip, “Ever thought of becoming a missing person?  That’d thin our numbers a bit.” 

“Are your parents siblings Gwyn?  Cos, you know, you’re a perfect argument against brother-sister marriages.”  Phil shot back without missing a beat.

“Sorry, wasn’t listening.  Too busy imagining duct tape over your fucking mouth.”  Finn snarked. 

“Alright you two!”  Macca said loudly.  He was good at breaking up Phil and Finn; he had a lot of practice from their time together in PE. 

“So I’m thinking of having a party at my place in a few weeks.”  Woody said, “lots o’ drugs, lot’s o’ music, and I think me sister’s gonna get a bunch of her friends to hang around topless!”  He grinned

“Oh sounds great.”  Rae answered sarcastically.

“Are you gonna have a bunch o’ lads hang around pantless?”  Chloe asked him and he looked off, obviously deep in thought. 

“Woah.”  He said softly, “It’s like you’re showing me a mirror so I can see my own objectification of women in the refracted light of society’s uber-obsession with tits by demanding snags out as a war-cry for equality.”  He marvelled and Chloe chuckled in disbelief.  Everyone looking at Woody with surprised expressions.  “Alright, dicks out too!”  He said happily.

“Maybe no one needs to be naked.”  Bethany said and Rae nearly choked on her drink when she saw the look of disappointment on Macca’s face.  It was fun watching them two get closer; she could definitely see parallels to her relationship with Finn; she imagined he must have looked at her like that when she said there wasn’t going to be a sexy party.  Sometimes she wondered if she should guide them a little, to stop them from making the same mistakes she and Finn had made.  But then she realised that she and Finn were still making mistakes and she didn’t have all the answers.  You just had to love as fearlessly as you could.  She put her hand on Finn’s thigh grateful that they had gotten to this point and he turned his eyes to her with a happy grin and put his arm over her shoulders.  Her mind returned to the issue of Elsa, but she threw it off; whatever was happening with Finn and Elsa, it couldn’t be that bad, she trusted Finn completely. 

“I’m with Williams!”  James laughed, “no one needs to see me tackle.”  Woody put an arm around Bethany’s shoulders.

“You mean fire!”  Woody was still trying to get the nicknames to stick, “And I’ll be getting my dick out, I challenge you all to not be ashamed of your man bits.”  He declared loudly.  Rae had to stop herself from grinning at the look Macca was giving Woody as Bethany laughed at him.  She marvelled at how oblivious Bethany was to Macca’s attentions, even though Rae had pointed them out to her on several occasions.  But she understood it; she hadn’t been able to believe that Finn could want her.  She looked up at Finn and saw him watching Bethany and Macca with the same bemused grin she was trying to hide. 

“I think I’ll pass.”  Finn shrugged when Woody looked over to him for support.

“Fuck you watchtower!”  Woody laughed and turned to Phil who shrugged.

“We’ll see how drunk I get.”  Phil told him as if he was indulging a spoiled child and Woody chuckled triumphantly, Phil shaking his head; he had no intention of getting his kit off at a party unless he was about to have sex in a room away from prying eyes.

“I got a buddy to get naked with!”  He laughed before looking at Bryn, “Gonna get you bits out lad?”

“Um…”  Bryn laughed, “Sure why not.”  He shook his head, not believing what he’d agreed to.

“That’s the fucking spirit!”  Woody cheered triumphantly before he looked at Macca, “Tell me you’re in.”  Macca’s eyes strayed to Bethany, but she was watching Woody, her head shaking in disbelief before her eyes flicked to Phil and then Bryn.  Rae looked back to Phillip who was still shaking his head, and laughing. 

“I dunno.”  Macca shook his head.

“You should get chop to go along!”  Chloe laughed.  “He could wander around with his one-eared elephant!”  She laughed.

“No!”  Izzy hit Chloe’s arm, “maybe you could plan these things for your lad instead o’ mine!”  She laughed.

“Woody don’t want Rhys’s cock out at his party.”  Chloe said and Finn rolled his eyes; he’d already heard all about how big Rhys’s cock was. 

“Oh I dunno, if he’s a good looking fella I might!”  Woody grinned, “Which o’ you girls are getting your tits out?”

“I think you can safely say, none of us.”  Rae replied in a firm tone. 

“Oh I dunno Rae…” Chloe said with a chuckle, “Izzy might be persuaded.” 

“Oi!”  Izzy replied with outrage, “I’m not getting me tits out!”  She said loudly, “Why don’t you get yours out?”

“I’m like Phil babe!  See where the night leads.” 

“As if!”  Izzy shot back and Chloe raised her eyes to Phil, Rae noticing a moment passing between them, before Chloe looked up the seat to Bethany.

“Come on Beth,” She encouraged, Macca looked at Bethany wistfully, his eyes straying down to her breasts more than once before he made them return to her face every time, “with knockers like them, you’d be giving all the lads o’ Stamford quite a treat if-”

“Never gonna happen.”  Bethany shut her down with a strong tone.  “Never.” 

“You’re not seriously saying you’ll never get your boobs out are you?”  Woody said, “Like if we was fucking, you’d get ‘em out right?’  He looked down at her chest before looking back at her face.  Macca scowled at Woody and sucked his teeth unhappily.  Rae noticed Finn have to look away, holding in a laugh, she hit his leg and gave him an ‘it’s not funny’ look before having to hide her own laughter as the conversation continued.

“Yes Woody if we was fucking you’d get to see ‘em.”

“Fuck yes I would and I’d love it.”  Macca almost physically shook in annoyance. 

“But,” She continued as if he’d never said a word, “I’m not gonna get ‘em out at a party.” 

“I remember when sexy parties where just spin the bottle.”  Rae said wistfully to Chloe and Izzy.  “Now it’s all ‘get your bits out.’”

“How the times have changed.”  Chloe chuckled. 

“We can totes play spin the bottle!”  Woody said, “But instead o’ kissing, you give oral.” 

“The fuck?”  Finn laughed in disbelief.  He noticed that the bruises on his face were feeling a lot better, healing quicker since he’d taken Archie’s advice on how to care for them; that lad was onto something. 

“Alright, fair call!”  Woody agreed, “I’m just hornier than a fucking toad.  I was fucking three people on the coast, here there’s no one.  Stamford’s tighter and drier than a nun’s cunt when it comes to casual fucking.”  He complained.

“You had three girls?”  Bethany asked and Woody shook his head.”

“A lad and two girls.”  He answered, we all shared each other, it was fucking great.  I miss ‘em.”

“What… you fucked the guy as well?”  Macca asked and Woody nodded.

“Fuck yes I did.”  Woody said proudly, “I’m bisexual dude.”

“Fuck.”  Macca shook his head, “I thought people was either gay or straight…?”

“Nope.”  Woody shrugged, “Some of us are both.”  He gave Macca a cheeky grin, “it’s the only way to be.”  He took a bite of his sandwich and left them all considering that.

“Twice as many dating options.”  Izzy said and Chloe nodded her head.

“D’you know there’s so many beautiful girls in this world…” Chloe sighed, “I do see your point Woody.”  Rae gave Chloe a look and she shrugged.

“Yeah and your best mate’s one of ‘em!”  Woody grinned and Finn sighed gently. 

“I think we can all agree on that!”  Izzy said with a big grin aimed at Rae.  Rae shook her head.

“Seconded.”  Chloe chuckled at Rae rolling her eyes in reply.

“Thirded.”  Phillip said just as Finn opened his mouth to say it. 

“Motion passed.”  Chloe grinned.

“Thought I was just a 4.”  She shot at Chloe and Chloe furrowed her brows.  Finn looked from Rae to Chloe, understanding where this had come from now. 

“I was wrong.”  She replied simply.  “I’m sorry babe.”  They shared a sentimental smile before reaching over the table to hug each other, “I were just so mixed up in me own head, I couldn’t see anything straight.”  She said as she held Rae.  “You’re an 11 Rae.”

“You too Chlo.”  She whispered back. 

“On what scale is Rae an 11?”  Phil asked, “A scale out of 5?”  Rae turned to him and shook her head.

“Shut up you.” 

“I was about to ask the same thing about Chlo.”  He replied and looked over at her, “You’re both stunning.”  Finn furrowed his brows and looked down at Phil as he shot a glance at Chloe, who grinned back at him.  “And if you throw Izzy and Bethany into the mix, we got babes all round.”  He winked at Izzy and she laughed.

“Smooth little shit aren’t you?’  Bethany asked cynically.

“Not really.”  Phillip chuckled, “If I were relying on my ability with women to get anywhere, I’d still be a virgin.” 

“Have you seen Andrea since you been back?”  Izzy asked keenly.  And Phillip shook his head.

“No Iz, she wasn’t that interested in me… well not all of me anyway.”  He shrugged, “And I’d really rather not be going steady with one of my sister’s best friends anyway.”

“Why not?”  Macca gave him a curious look.

“Turns out, girls talk.”  Phillip said with a disdainful look, “And they talk filthy and with no thought for privacy… and my sister and all of her friends now know far too much about… my habits…”  He shook his head.  “And I never heard the fucking end of it in London!”  He laughed.

“Not all girls talk, right?”  Macca looked around the table at the girls.

“Yeah we kinda do.”  Rae replied looking over at Chloe who was playing with her hair. 

“All the time.”  Chloe backed her.

“Sometimes we even scheme.”  Izzy grinned and turned her eyes to Finn who gave a worried look to Rae.  Rae grinned enigmatically doing nothing to ease his concern.  Macca looked back to Bethany who gave him a sympathetic look before turning to the girls.

“Worst sexual encounter I’ve had recently was with this tosser who though he were so fucking amazing that I should just be thankful to share the same air as him.  He had no idea how to get a finger in properly and his itty bitty cock looked like a roll on deodorant bottle.”  Bethany told them and the three girls burst into laughter while Bethany grinned like a jackal.  Macca looked slightly horrified and Finn started to laugh loudly at him, James joining in. 

“That’s what I’m fucking talkin’ about!”  Phillip chuckled.  Bryn looked on with a bewildered stare, astounded that girls talked that way and suddenly worried about what all the girls he’d ever fooled with had said to their mates.  Macca stared at Bethany for a moment before lowering his eyes.

“Had a lot of conquests then?”  Chloe asked and Bethany shrugged.

“I’ve had enough.”  She grinned cheekily.

“Enough for some good tales?”  Izzy grinned and Bethany nodded her head. 

“But h-how… many?”  Macca asked nervously, trying to cover it with a laugh.  Bethany opened her mouth, clearly unsure how to answer.

“A girl never tells a guy how many guys she’s fucked.”  Chloe jumped in, “They always fucking judge us.” 

“I wouldn’t…” Macca shook his head, “I mean… I don’t…”

“I know, it’s fine.”  Bethany looked at Macca, obviously considering what to say, “Probably more than you.”  She answered his question and he scoffed as if he wasn’t affected by her answer. 

“Alright.”  He laughed awkwardly. 

“Who d’you reckon has had the most sexual encounters out o’ the lot of us?”  Woody asked curiously, “I don’t just mean fucking.”  He clarified, “But like, oral and fingering and even kissing?”  All eyes turned to Finn and he looked around the table with an unimpressed look.

“Leave off!”  Finn furrowed his brows and Rae could see the grump coming back. 

“Alright.”  Woody grinned, “Let’s just do it this way, how many different people have you had a sexual encounter with; anything from tongue kissing up.”  He said, “Raise your hands if it’s less than ten.”  He looked around the table.  Rae listed off in her head all the people she’d kissed” Archie, Finn, Liam, Chloe.  That was it.  She found that she didn’t care as she rose her hand first.  Izzy, followed by Bryn and James raised their hands but everyone else kept theirs down.  Finn sighed and looked at Rae, not even needing to give her an apologetic look; they were past this now, neither of them cared how much previous experience they’d had, it was all about what they were doing together now.  Rae looked over at Phil and was surprised to see his hand still down. 

“Right so let’s go to, raise your hand if it’s less than twenty.”  Finn sucked his bottom lip and looked uncomfortable, he really hadn’t kept track of numbers but he had a feeling it was more than twenty.  Chloe raised her hand, as did Phillip.  Macca reddened slightly as he raised his, seeing that Bethany was not raising her hand.  Woody looked around the table 

“That just leaves us three.”  He grinned at Finn and Bethany.  “And it solves the question of whether Bethany’s had more fun than Macca.”  He put his arm back around her shoulders and squeezed her slightly as she shook her head. 

“Yeah but this includes kisses and stuff.”  Finn debated, “If you’d done the numbers just on people we’d fucked, my hand would’ve gone up real quick.” 

“Bullshit!”  Bryn laughed and Finn shook his head.  “Most of the first year lads wanna be you.”  He said, “Rumour has it you’ve fucked over half the girls in second year and you’re working through the first years now.” 

“Hi Bryn, have you met my girlfriend, Rae?”  Finn said sarcastically as if he were a salesman, “I think you’ll find her to be the source of my complete faithfulness to the woman I love.”  Bryn shrugged.

“Just telling you what everyone thinks.”  He retorted.

“Well everyone is wrong.” 

“Why would you care if everyone thinks you’re getting heaps?”  Woody asked.  And Finn sighed.

“Hi Woody, have you met my girlfriend, Rae?”  Finn repeated more angrily. 

“Does everyone still think I’m fucking everyone Bryn?”  Chloe diffused the tension.

“Depends who you talk to.”  Bryn shrugged, “Some people say you’re a slag, but none o’ the guys have fucked you and they all wanna, so no one believes the slag rumours really.”  He said, “But then someone else said that you was with this criminal guy, like a drug dealer or something.”  Bryn shrugged and Chloe tutted and rolled her eyes angrily.

“Ah fuck off!”  Finn said about that rumour, just as annoyed as Chloe.  Rae and Izzy gave a look of disgust and Phil shook his head.  Bethany, Macca and Woody looked on, not understanding. 

“You know they say it cos he’s black?”  She asked Bryn and his mouth opened in surprise.  He shook his head.

“No I didn’t know.”  He said with an angry tone.  “Fucking cunts.  That’s not right.”  He mumbled angrily.

“No it’s fucking not.”  She snapped.  “Who the fuck started it?” 

“I dunno.”  Bryn said honestly, “I can try and find out, but you know how these things are Chlo.  I’m sorry.” 

“I had no idea there were so many racists at this school.”  Phillip said sadly. 

“Try being brown.”  Bryn replied.  “D’you know how many times I get asked where I’m from?”

“They’ll get over it mate.”  Macca said sympathetically; he’d had a similar experience in his first year.  He remembered he and Mike whinging about it together.  He missed Mike.  He looked back down the table at Bryn, deciding to be better mates with him.

“I hope so!”  Bryn replied, “Cos no matter how many times I say, I were born in Manchester, I always get, yeah but before that?”  He shook his head, bemused. 

“Your daddy’s balls!”  Woody cackled and they all started to laugh slightly. 

“He might o’ had a stopover in his mum’s uterus too.”  Rae told Woody with a slight grin. 

“Could you imagine if he hadn’t?”  Chloe asked with a grin, “Just popped right out of his dad’s nuts!”  They laughed and Bryn narrowed his eyes.

“I don’t really wanna think about me dad’s nuts.” 

“Oh why ever not?”  Rae laughed. 

“Alright, you have a think of your daddy’s nuts then!”  Bryn shot back.

“Can’t, don’t have a dad.”  Rae shrugged, “Sorry me ol’ pal.”

“You could think of Karim’s nuts.”  Chloe grinned deviously and Rae scrunched up her nose.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Chloe!”  Finn groaned, “I have to listen to that guy empty his fucking nut sack every night I’m over there.”  Everyone broke out in laughter, “Walls like fucking paper!” 

“It’s traumatic.”  Rae agreed laughing along.

“Well imagine how much they hear then!”  Izzy giggled and Rae and Finn stopped dead. 

“Oh fuck.”  Finn said with wide eyes, thinking of all the spankings and dirty talk and orgasms.  Rae’s mouth opened wide in horrified contemplation; pulling and squeezing Finn’s nipples until he cried out in pain was a nightly ritual at the moment…

“Lucky we do most of our business when they’re downstairs.”  She said.

“Remember your mum said the light fixtures swing a little when…”  Rae started to giggle and shook her head.  “I guess if they put up with us, we can put up with them.”  She couldn’t believe her mum had been so good about this.  She’d have to thank her for it one day.  Rae found that she was beginning to appreciate her mother more and more these days.  She was a pain sometimes, but a lot of the time she wasn’t too shabby, as mums go. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood _

<http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x12zxk_frankie-goes-to-hollywood-relax_music>

 

Izzy dropped her bag in the doorway and sighed; she was exhausted and she had so much homework to do.  Chop locked the door behind them and hung his keys on the hook.

“Alright baby girl?”  Chop asked her and she turned to give him a tired smile.

“D’you wanna do me homework?”  She asked hopefully.

“No.”  He answered honestly, “But,” He said looking at the list of daily jobs for each of them they’d compiled a few weeks back.  “How about I do all your jobs today?”  He grinned when her face lit up.

“Oh Chop.”  She gave him a light kiss on the lips, “you’re so good to me.”  She smiled and dragged her feet out to the lounge room, Chop grabbing her school bag and taking it out there for her.  He kissed her forehead and left her to it while he went back into the kitchen and ordered them a pizza for dinner in an hour. 

Chop had worked through all the chores and Izzy had finished most of her dada essay research when the pizza came.  They ate pizza and watched tv, Izzy’s mind on the book she’d been reading during her free period this morning.  She had almost finished the book about anal sex, having read it at every possible chance she’d had since she got it only a few days ago.  And while Chop angrily commented on the news, she was thinking about what Chloe had said about playing tit for tat with the boys.  She stared at Chop as he watched the news.  The book had said that anal stimulation could be very pleasurable to men because of their prostate gland.  She had read the section on how to find and stimulate the prostate gland a dozen times, determined to do this.  Chloe had been right; if the boys wanted to put things up their bums, it was only fair that they returned the favour.  And she was so tired of being the sweet innocent little sister of the group.  She wanted to have something to tell them for once.  Her eyes narrowed as she watched Chop.  How could she convince him to let her do this?  Was she brave or foolish enough to offer up anal sex for something as trifling as a finger up his bum?  She was aware that turning sex into a series of bargaining chips could get ugly, but right now she didn’t care.  She wanted to be brazen, to be wild, to be slutty.  And she wanted to not worry about being those things. 

“What’s up?”  Chop said awkwardly, having noticed her staring at him with narrowed eyes.  “Did I do something wrong?”  She noticed that he had some pizza sauce on his chin and narrowed her eyes further. 

“Have a shower.”  She said in a low voice.  Chop furrowed his brows at her uncharacteristic tone. 

“You alright baby girl?” 

“Shower.”  She said in a soft commanding tone.   “Now.”  Chop paused for a moment and then nodded slowly, getting up with a confused look on his face.  She got up and pushed him towards the bathroom gently, determined, feeling a brazen lustiness in her heart. 

“Alright girl.”  He started to strip off as he headed to the shower, Izzy following, leaving her clothes on.  He got in the shower, Izzy standing at the door, watching him.  He awkwardly stood to one side, waiting for the water to warm up, not knowing what was going on with Izzy.  He looked back at her as she leaned on the doorframe, her eyes travelling up and down his body slowly.  Chop felt acutely on display. 

“Wash it.”  She said, her tone so deeply sexual that Chop felt blood pumping into his cock even though he had no idea what was going on. 

“It?” 

“Your body.”  That slow seductive tone.  He nodded slowly and picked up the soap.  She stood at the door eye fucking him while he showered, slowly becoming less self-conscious, slowly beginning to enjoy being lusted after like this.  Sometimes he looked at Izzy like that, he recognised that lust for a body; he’d just never seen it on Izzy before. 

He slowed down his movements, letting her have the show she obviously wanted, enjoying the feel of the water on his body, washing his body slowly, enjoying his own skin for once.  When he rinsed the soap off Izzy approached slowly, still fully clothed she leaned into the shower and kissed him intensely. 

“I am going to do something to you.”  She whispered, “And it might seem unexpected or scary.”  She licked his neck and he almost whimpered, “But you’re going to try to like it, alright?” 

“Well so far so good.”  He grinned his hands going to her waist but she pushed him away. 

“Keep your hands out o’ the way.”  She ordered and he nodded.  She pulled him forward, using his cock and he bit his bottom lip and chuckled lustily.  “Turn the temperature up.”  Her voice had a breathy quality now that made Chop’s balls ache.  He obeyed her, enjoying this game immensely.  Slowly Izzy licked down Chop’s chest, Chop groaned, feeling her tongue licking across his stomach always made him eager to be inside of her.  She knelt outside of the shower, and Chop stood in the shower, blazingly hot water on his back, and his fiancé slowly starting to lick the tip of his cock.  She licked and sucked at his cock wonderfully for several minutes, her hands, unusually, staying on his hips the whole time.  Chop leaned against the glass of the opened sliding door to the shower, his arms above his head, his forehead on the cool glass, sweating out the hot water on his back.  This was incredible, the coolness of the glass against his forehead, the hot water, her mouth, calmly and confidently sucking him like she never had before.  He kept trying to figure out what she was planning to do to him, was this what she had in mind, or was there something else coming?  Right now he didn’t care, she could do whatever she wanted to him.  He barely noticed her hands slowly creeping from his hips to his buttocks, he was so focused on the amazing blowjob he was getting.  It wasn’t until he felt her fingers creeping between his butt cheeks that he realised what was happening.  She was sliding his cock deeper in her throat than she ever had before, and he was groaning deeply, enjoying every minute of this, when he felt them, gently caressing along his crack. 

“Izzy?”  He asked tensely as her fingertips touched his anus.  She looked up at him, his cock still in her mouth and gently massaged around the area, letting him get used to idea of her touching him there.  Chop felt his heartbeat speeding up and he bit his bottom lip, not wanting to stop her, but freaking out about where this was going.  She felt his tension and looked up at him. 

“Relax.”  She breathed and slid his cock down her throat again as she gently pressed against his anus.  Chop’s mouth opened, ready to tell her to stop, but not saying the word even as her finger slid inside of him. 

“Oh fuck.”  He whispered, not sure how he felt about this whole thing, but his cock still throbbingly hard.  He scrunched up his face, worried about what she was doing and how it felt and then an intense pleasure surged through his cock.  It felt like his cock was being licked from the inside and the outside.  “Holy fuck.”  He could barely stutter the words out.  “Fuck…” he gasped.  It was like a prong of electricity surged from the top of his cock through his inside; his whole lower abdomen becoming as sensitive and orgasmic as the tip of his cock.  He felt himself rushing towards orgasm and had to desperately claw his focus onto something else; he wanted this to last as long as he could make it.  He legs felt weak and his entire lower body was pulsating with pleasure, Izzy’s moan of delight made him groan loudly; he was instantly close to coming again.  He tried to relax, tried to not think about the incredible heat in his entire groin; the sense that he might explode at any minute was beginning to shudder through his abdomen.  He didn’t even hear himself groan; a deep, long, drawn-out groan, peaking in a loud cry as his entire body shook like Izzy’s did when she came, hot spurts of semen shooting into Izzy’s mouth.  He hadn’t even realised he was about to cum, normally he warned her, but the pleasure had been so intense and so constant that he hadn’t been able to distinguish the moment of orgasm until it was exploding through his whole body.  His orgasm seemed to last several times longer than was normal for him and he also knew he was depositing a huge load in her mouth, but was entirely powerless to stop it.  He felt Izzy’s finger withdraw and looked down at her full, open mouth.

“I’m sorry.”  He gasped and she shook her head, and with a disgusted, scrunched up face swallowed.  She made a disgusted noise and instantly got up and went to the sink to drink some water from the tap.  Chop collapsed against the wall of the shower, barely able to support his own weight and knew he had to get out of the shower and sit for a minute before he could see to Izzy’s needs; his whole body felt weak after that orgasm. 

“I don’t know how the girls swallow this shit all the time.”  She muttered, revolted.  “I’m only doing that on special occasions Chop.”  She told him, “It’s disgusting.”  She turned to see him sitting on the floor in the shower, having slid down the wall, a huge dopey grin on his face.  “You alright?”  She asked with a surprised grin.  He nodded slowly, looking supremely satisfied.  She stripped her clothes off and got into the shower with him, he moved over but stayed seated, watching her wash herself thoughtfully. 

“So that was alright?”  She asked him and he nodded firmly, unable to form coherent words at the moment.  “D’you want me to do it again?”  He nodded again and she grinned.  “Wait till I tell the girls.”  She clapped her hands delightedly and Chop was too delirious with post-orgasm haze to even care that she intended to tell Rae and Chloe what she’d just done to him.  After a few minutes, Izzy happily showering and telling him all about her day at school he motioned to her. 

“Come here baby girl.”  He whispered, “Let me bury my face in that cunt o’ yours.”  She bit her bottom lip and grinned, taking the few steps required to be standing over him, she put her foot up on his shoulder and ran her fingers through his short hair, pushing his face to her cunt roughly, eliciting an appreciative groan from him.  She curled her fingers over the top of the shower wall and ground her pussy into his face, starting to laugh at how much she enjoyed taking the lead like this.  She was going to ask him to get some pornos, she was going to ask Rhys to invite them to a sex show; she was as brazen as Chloe and as daring as Rae.  She was exploring, she was getting what she wanted.  She was in control of her sexuality. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Deeper’ by Arab Strap _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm_jUemGcw4>

 

He looked down at the ridiculous pen.  Oversized and baby blue.  His hand shook, but he was determined to do this.  He had seen people get cranky, throw tantrums, give up.  Rehabilitation was apparently hard for some people.  Oddly he felt a sense of strange calm in it.  Over the past few weeks of being more wakeful and alert his memory had simply improved; it was unexpected and lots of doctors and psychologists came in to see him every day to talk.  He still had memory problems, but now he remembered about 80% of new things he was presented with, and if he wrote things down this increased.  But writing things down was not fun.  Apparently it was not unheard of to have spontaneous improvements with brain damage, but it was unheard of to ever be completely healed when it had been as bad as his had been.  He would likely have the tremors for the rest of his life, and his left leg was particularly troublesome and he would probably have problems walking for the rest of his life too.  And the tic in his face he apparently had, that might hang about too.  But the memory had improved and he was thankful for that.  He went to rehab lessons and saw no improvement.  But he didn’t lose his temper, he just kept doing it.  He felt nothing about the whole thing. 

He still cried when he thought about his mother.  So he purposefully tried not to. 

Eli visited every day and that was nice.

And Chloe visited every few days.  Sometimes alone and sometimes with Rae.

And Rae, she visited about the same amount as Chloe. 

Elsa popped in once a week, and she didn’t say anything about him perving on her, even though he knew she caught him doing it.  That was pretty cool.

Kester came every day. 

And he talked to Kester about how he felt nothing for himself.  He didn’t care about it. 

He cried for his mother.  For the shitty life she’d lived.  He cried for his nan, her memory slipping with Alzheimer’s.  He cried for Eli, her parents pressuring her to be a person she wasn’t. 

And he feels nothing else. 

Not self pity.

No regret.

No desire.

Kester tells him it might return.

But he doesn’t care. 

He sets his mind to writing his name with the oversized pen.  He practises all of his exercises, exactly as he’s told to. 

He watches tv.

He sleeps.

Kester tells him he might be depressed. 

But he knows how depressed feels.  This doesn’t feel the same.

This is just a deep empty nothingness. 

Not the roaring agony that depression had been for him in the past. 

Even when he cries he is listless.  Sitting in his bed barely moving, tears streaming down his face. 

His mother.  It kills him to think of her lying in the ground.

When Eli comes he is all smiles.  And he thinks he feels love for her but he can’t be sure.

When Rae or Chloe come he is all charming irony and grumpy sarcasm, and he doesn’t know what he feels.

Kester is constantly asking him what he feels. 

He sees from the people around him how he supposed to feel. 

But there is just a deep empty void inside of him.

He is made up of nothingness. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Beautiful Girl’ by Inxs _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLmQ2vxMbn0>

 

“Rae I am never gonna learn me dada monologue.”  He complained in a more whingey voice than she ever recalled hearing from him.  He was lying on her bed, his legs hanging off the edge, the single sheet of paper with his monologue written on it was lying across his face, as if he hoped he could absorb it into his brain via osmosis. 

“You’ll get it.”  She soothed, not looking up from her biology homework. 

“It’s impossible.”  He said in a stroppy tone that made Rae shake her head and grin, “Half of the sentences don’t make any sense, there are words that shouldn’t go together and the other half of it is just like random sounds and fucking syllables just like I’m making noise or something.” 

“Well you are supposed to be making noise with your mouth for some of it.”  She conceded and he groaned petulantly.  She sighed and knew she wasn’t going to get any work done with him complaining like this.  She got up and sat on the bed beside him trying to think of what might help.  Chloe had been taking psychology this year and they were doing positive and negative reinforcement, rewards systems and the like.  She wondered if that would work for study. 

“Tell you what Finn… how about for every line you learn, I give you a little reward?”  She said and he lifted up the piece of paper from his face and turned his eyes to her.

“Like what kinda reward?”

“I dunno… but here’s how it goes.  You learn one line perfectly.  I give you a reward.”  He nodded, “Then you learn the second line and read them both to me perfectly, and you get your next reward.”

“Will the second reward be bigger than the first?”  He asked, “Since it takes more effort to do two lines?”

“You’re like a child.”  Rae shook her head and he grinned, “Alright, the reward will increase.”  She conceded, “and then you give me three lines.”

“And I get a bigger reward.”  He seemed satisfied with this.  He counted the lines.  “32 lines.”  He grinned cheekily, “What you gonna give me girl?”  Rae thought about everything that she could offer while Finn looked at her expectantly. 

“30 seconds of cocksucking for every line.”  She said, “Resulting in 16 minutes of cock sucking once you complete the monologue perfectly.”  Finn thought about this, his tongue feeling the back of his front teeth excitedly.  He nodded and Rae got out her own scripts that she had to learn so that she could sit beside him while he worked; there was no way she’d be getting her biology books up here.  Finn’s eyes swept over the top line and Rae tried to ignore the sound of him muttering to himself.

“Lexicographical autobiographies of existent exhibitionist existentialist endings.”  He said hesitantly and then looked at the paper and nodded his head.  He repeated it in a stronger voice and then grinned at Rae.  She took his monologue and got him to repeat it while she read along.  She nodded and slowly unzipped his pants.

“This bit doesn’t count.”  Finn insisted, “The timer only starts when your lips are on-” He stopped as she took his cock into her mouth and laid his head back on the bed happily.  Rae counted 30 seconds in her head slowly, realising she wasn’t wearing a watch.  He groaned happily and closed his eyes, laying his hands by his side and letting her do whatever she wanted.  When she stopped he pouted and she handed him his monologue back.  A few minutes passed and he got her attention, handing her his monologue.

“Lexicographical autobiographies of existent exhibitionist existentialist endings.   Zreeeeeeft, dooon a laaaaadd feet an pill grrrrrrr.”  He pulled a face not sure he’d gotten that part and Rae nodded slowly and leaned back down to suck his cock. 

45 minutes later Finn was reciting 18 lines of his monologue without a mistake, Rae was convinced that the system worked.  But Elsa also taught them that it was good to take breaks in learning your lines and come back to them to build up long term memory, so she stopped him, agreeing to come back to this technique tomorrow night.  She leaned back on the bed and looked over at him.

“What you thinking?”

“It’s all smut in me head girl.”  He confessed, his eyes closed. 

“Tell me about it.”  She prodded and he grinned and sighed lustily.  “I’m thinking about what it feels like to be inside you.”  Rae leaned over and took his hand. “I love you.”  He told her and she didn’t reply, not wanting to deflect the topic away from smuttiness.  She gently placed is hand on his cock and sat back again, watching him.  Finn cocked an eyebrow at her but got the idea and gently started to stroke his cock.  Rae bit her bottom lip. 

“So what are you thinking?”  She asked again and he closed his eyes. 

“I’m thinking about making love to you.”  She watched him bite his bottom lip, his hand speeding up slightly, his other hand creeping down his stomach sensually and gently cupping is balls.  He groaned.  “I miss the smell of our sex.”  He whispered to her.  It had been fourteen days since they had last had sex and it was killing her.  She felt a familiar throb in her cunt and groaned softly, Finn heard her groan and responded with a loud sensual moan.  His hand slowed down.  “I’m seeing your body.”  He smiled contently, his deep, almost desperate, lust bringing a mild red flush to his cheeks.  “The curve of your stomach.”  He was barely audible, “and the shape of your vulva… your thighs are so strong and they wrap me up.”  Rae put a hand on his chest and he gasped with excitement.  She watched his hand speed up slightly.  “Your legs around me.”  His voice was breathy with desire, “Your breasts spilling over me hands.  They’re so soft and big and sexy.”  He groaned and Rae knew he was getting close to coming.  “And the warmth between your thighs.”  He sounded like he couldn’t even understand how good it was, let alone explain it to her.  “I could die happy between your thighs.”  He whispered, “It’s so warm, and wet.”  Rae felt her mouth opening with desire, she was excited to see him masturbate himself to orgasm.  He made a small groan, his eyes closed as he imagined all of this.  But then he opened them and looked her in the eyes, “I’m looking into your eyes and slowly, gently guiding my cock into you.  And I’m inside of you Rae.  Inside.”  The look in his eyes was like a man who had found god; he was found.  He groaned again, his breath speeding up, “And you… you gasp… me being inside of you… it brings you pleasure.”  The wonder in his eyes was exquisite, Rae realised that he couldn’t quite believe that something so simple could be so complex and miraculous, and give them both so much.  “And your vagina moulds herself to me.”  He whispered.  It was strange to hear him use words like vulva and vagina, she liked it.  “It’s like she was built for me.  You surround me.  Touching me… the way our bodies feel pressed together… looking in your eyes and…  And I can hear you groan, I can taste you… and the smell, Rae.  The smell of you.”  His strokes came faster still, his voice growing more urgent.  And he stopped.  His body heaving with impending orgasm.  He closed his eyes and took his hand off his cock, his nostrils flared with the effort of stopping.  She saw a bead of cum drip from the tip of his cock, but nothing more.  He opened his eyes slowly, they were heavy with desire, “If you can’t cum, I can’t cum.”  His voice was strained with lust and he closed his eyes again, fisting his hands and putting them under his lower back.  Rae looked down at his throbbing cock and knew she could take him into her mouth and have him coming in less than a minute.  But he was adamant about this orgasm thing; they came together.  They were in this together.  She knew that when they both finally got to cum this time it would be an unbelievable release. 

Fourteen days.

And now it was dinner time, Karim was calling up the stairs to them.  Finn was getting quiet adept at slipping his hard cock back into his jeans and using flannies tied around his waist to hide the bulge. 

It was just Karim tonight; Linda was on a late shift at the hospital and they had a relatively peaceful dinner, broken up only by Aiesha deciding she’d prefer to rub her food into her hair than eat it.  Finn bathed her in the laundry sink again while Rae and Karim cleaned up, Karim chatting about how he was trying for better paying jobs now that his English had improved so much. 

By the time they flopped into bed together, Rae’s mind was mulling over the future.  They nestled into bed together, Finn draping his arm over her waist and slipping his fingers under the elastic band of her granny undies.  He stroked her skin tenderly and smiled at her face.

“I don’t want this to ever end.”  He said softly to her, “This moment when I get to hold you.  My beautiful girl.”

“I love you.”  Rae grinned at his sleepy content face. 

“What’s in your head?”  He stroked her hair and Rae sighed softly.

“Thinking about the future.”  She said tentatively and his tired face grew more alert. 

“Still on which uni?”  He asked and she nodded.

“I’d like us to go to the same university Finn.”  She said urgently, “I don’t wanna be away from you to get me education.” 

“I got you girl.”  He whispered.  “I’ll go wherever you go.” 

“What about what you wanna study?” 

“I can postpone it, or just do whatever they’ve got.”

“No Finn, you’ve-”

“Listen Rae,” He said firmly, “I go where you go.  You’re my life.”  She let him pull her closer, still not happy with that answer.  Finn was getting good marks now, he should do a degree he was interested in, not just follow her around the country.  “On campus or flat?”  He asked the next question and Rae sighed.

“Can’t afford a flat unless we try and work through uni.”

“We’re not living on campus Rae.”  Finn said, flatly refusing to even entertain the idea, “I won’t have us having to sneak into each other’s beds and getting in shit for it.”

“We can’t afford it Finn!  And on average, for every unit you do, you’re supposed to do ten hours of study…”

“Making university a full time occupation.”  Finn droned out; they’d been through all of this before.  “I’ll just study part time and work the other half of it.”

“Finn.”  She groaned and he chuckled.

“Me mind’s made up girl.”  He kissed her lips, “you see this face.”  He gave her a look, “This is the face of a man who’s made his mind up, and will not be budged.”  He kissed her again, “Me dad’ll help out with the costs too; he’ll be so excited about me going to uni.  And I’ll bring in some money, and you’ll study full time.  And then after your degree is done, you’ll work and support me through the rest of mine.”  He stroked her face, “Alright?”  She sighed.

“I would prefer to live together than on campus.”  She agreed and Finn smiled triumphantly.

“Well that’s that sorted out!”  He rubbed his foot along hers, their legs entwining, “Now you just gotta chose a university.”

“So do you.”  Rae said, “I want a list of your top ten unis you wanna go to.”  She shot at him and he frowned.

“Rae…?”  He asked bewildered as to why she’d make him do this.

“You don’t get to just leave one of the most important decisions of your life up to me.”  She stroked his face, “I wanna know what courses you wanna do.  Let’s see if we can make a good compromise here.  Find a uni we both wanna go to.”  Finn smiled grimly and sighed.

“I dunno Rae.”  Finn said, “Part o’ me still thinks I won’t get into uni.” 

“You’re gonna get in.”  She insisted.

“I figured I’d always end up working with Chop or in construction or something.”  He frowned, “I dunno how to be a university person Rae.”  He lowered his eyes, “I read all the stuff about the courses and I don’t get it all.”

“Neither do I.”  His eyes shot back up to hers.  “I’m not just saying that to make you feel better.”  She grinned, reading the look on his face.  “Wanna try going over all the unis systematically together?” 

“Alright.” 

“And then what happens after uni?”  She asked, her brows dropping in thought.

“D’you wanna get married?”  He asked her sincerely, “I mean, I know we’re gonna be together.  But the big ceremony and stuff… d’you really want that?” 

“I dunno.”  Rae said softly, “I mean it’s what everyone expects isn’t it?”  She looked away, considering the idea, “Everyone follows the same sort o’ path, and I know me mum expects me to get married and have kids…” She looked back at him, “Would I be terrible if I weren’t sure if that’s for me?” 

“No.”  Finn answered honestly.  “I guess I always figured I’d do that.  But then I never thought I’d go to uni, so…” He shrugged. 

“I do know I wanna be with you.”  She told him, “But… I dunno about that other stuff I’m s’posed to do.” 

“Let’s not worry about what we’re s’posed to do.”  Finn stroked her hair, “Let’s just do what makes us happy.”

“Don’t you want kids?”  Finn looked off as he considered her question.

“I suppose I just always figured it was inevitable.”  He mused, “You know, it’s what everyone does.”  He shrugged, “But really, since I been with you, I figure me life’s not gonna be like what I expected.”  He gave her a cheeky grin.

“Oh right?” 

“Aye, I don’t think me life’s gonna be like everyone else’s either.”  He considered this for a moment, “So I suppose we might not get married and have kids.”

“Might not.”  Rae said thoughtfully, “might end up nomadically travelling the world for the rest of our lives.”  Rae said excitedly, “Not owning a house, not owning sheets or tables or telephones…” She smiled wistfully, “Everything we own in our backpacks… just… seeing everything.”

“That could be nice.”  He kissed her forehead as she started to elaborate.

“We could travel all through Africa… I so wanna see Tanzania and Namibia Finn!”  She said excitedly and he watched her animated face, captivated by her every expression.  “There’s this dead forest in the desert in Namibia.”

“Oh aye?”

“I seen pictures.  It’s beautiful.  And they got desert elephants. And desert lions.  And- OH!” she remembered loudly, “And desert penguins!”  Her eyes lit up, “Whoever heard of fucking penguins living in the desert?” 

“Where else are we going?”  He asked transfixed on her face. 

“Well there’s heaps o’ countries in Africa I wanna go.”  She said, “Obviously Egypt…. Fucking Archie.”  She muttered.

“Bastard.”  Finn agreed with a smile.

“And all through the middle east.  Jordan Finn… we gotta go to Jordan!” 

“Well how could we miss Jordan?”  Finn didn’t even know there was a country called Jordan.  He made a note to look it up. 

“And Asia… China and Cambodia!”  Her excitement piqued again, “Angkor Wat!”  She said dreamily, “And Ta Prohm.  Finn I can’t die without seeing Ta Prohm.”  She told him and he nodded.

“It’s on the list.”

“It’s this ancient temple in the middle of the forest, and it got reclaimed by the forest, so there’s five hundred yeah old trees growing out o’ the ruins.  You should see the pictures!” 

“You’ll have to show me!”

“And Machu Picchu!”  She jumped continents.  “And the cenotes on Yucatan Peninsula.”  Finn had had no idea Rae knew so much about the world.  “Tikal in Guatemala…”  She sighed and looked at his happy face.  “Where d’you wanna go?”

“Besides all through Europe you mean?”  He gave a cheeky wink and Rae gave him an ‘of course’ look, “I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for Australia.  Da told me I got an uncle down there.” 

“On your mum’s side?”  Finn nodded. “Well we have to go then.”  She grinned, “They got beautiful old growth forests in Tasmania.”  She said with a nod. 

“So why are we going to uni if we’re gonna be travelling vagabonds?”  Finn gave her a pointed expression.

“Cos we gotta make enough to fund this endeavour Mr Earl!”  She snapped with a cheeky grin, “Get your head on right!” 

“Oh right!”  He laughed, “Sorry.” 

“D’you think we really will travel?”  She asked, her mood dropping slightly.

“Aye.  I reckon we’ll get there.”  He watched her mood pick up again, “And honestly Rae, I’ll go anywhere with you.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘The Dancer’ by PJ Harvey _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7o8URBIHLE>

 

Chloe looked at the weights sets.  Rhys would be along after he finished with his session.  Today: weight training followed by kickboxing and home for yoga.  Then school.

“At least it’s Friday.”  She muttered to herself tiredly.  She hated the weekdays, she didn’t get to see Rhys very much, and she hated to admit it, but it really affected her to not see him.  Mostly she only got to see him at their training sessions, and only one or two evenings; he was working, and she had homework.  And they hadn’t had sex since the attack from Ian last Saturday, and Chloe was feeling tetchy to say the least.  Yesterday morning she’d nearly jumped on him when he came from finishing his 5am client, all sweaty, his shirt clinging to him.  Then he’d stripped his shirt off, wiped his body down with a towel and put a singlet on to work with her.  She’d nearly cum just watching him.  Her parents weren’t going to let her spend the whole weekend at his place this time, but she did have tonight, and she intended to put it to very good use. 

She tried picking up the 10 kilo weights, her mind contemplating the way Rhys looked naked.  She sighed lustily and tried the 10 kilo weight in her left hand, her weaker arm.  Rhys was talking about upping her weights today by a fair amount, so she suspected 10 kilo would be her new medium weight and 12 or maybe even 15 kilos would be the high weight for their tri-sets. 8 kilos had been her previous upper limit.  

She sat on the weights bench, hardly noticing all the guys around her grunting and lifting, and squeezed her thighs together, desperately horny for Rhys.  She bit her bottom lip and sighed wistfully again as she tried a concentration curl with the dumbbell.  She felt someone sit beside and turned, expecting to see Rhys, a huge happy grin on her face. 

Her smile dropped instantly.  It was Dean.

“Hi pretty lady.”  He grinned and looked her up and down.  “Decent physique.”  He nodded, “But you don’t wanna play with those heavier weights pet.”  Chloe had to force herself to not sneer at him. 

“Why?”  She snapped and reminded herself that Rhys worked here and she had to tone it down.

“You don’t wanna get too muscular do you?”  He put his hand on her upper arm and caressed across her bicep, standing out under the strain of the weight. 

“Who says?”  She tried to say it as pleasantly as she could. 

“It doesn’t look good on a woman.”  His bicep flexed slightly as he pulled his hand away from her arm.  Chloe watched his hand leave her arm and again fought off the urge to sneer at him, “In fact pet, you could stand to lose at least 10 kilos.”

“Ten?”  Chloe said surprised, “You want me to lose one and a half stone?”  She did the maths quickly in her head. 

“Maybe even two.”  He grinned magnanimously, “Now I know Rhys is a good guy, but he’s not gonna help you do that.”  He scooted closer, so that his thigh touched hers, his torso twisted towards her, his hand gently touching her lower back, “it’s not his style.  And that’s great for men, but for women…”  He shook his head to indicate that Rhys was a bad trainer for women, “I can give you what you want.”  He said soothingly, “I can help you lose that two stone, and more.”  Chloe had had flirtations with this world before, with the idea of being as thin as possible.  Her own mother closely monitored what she ate and it had been a battle with her to get her food increased as her training increased.  Her mother was talking about weighing her daily to make sure she didn’t gain weight from all this extra food. 

“I would look like a walking skeleton if I lost that much.”  She said firmly, as much to herself as him.  “And Rhys is-”

“Amazing I know.”  Dean said, “I could help you get the tone you wanted so that you could be thinner than the other girls but still curvy in the right places.”  He gave her a wink, “You’d look great.” 

“Rhys is my boyfriend.”  Chloe said firmly and Dean’s jaw dropped.  “Not just my trainer.” 

“He’s not allowed to give out freeby sessions.”  Dean looked her up and down again.

“I still pay for the sessions.”  Chloe lied, realising that she and the gang must be milking Rhys dry with all these sessions.  Not only could he not earn any money when he was with them, but he also had to pay the boxing joint’s cut of the session cost.  She understood why he’d picked up a few extra sessions every day now.  To cover the cost of training her.  She kept her face straight, imperiously glaring at Dean as she felt her insides knot with guilt and disgust at how close this creep was sitting to her.  She’d have to tell her parents about the training and get them to pay for at least some of it. 

“So what’s that serious fucker like as a boyfriend?”  Dean asked with a strange look, again looking her up and down.  Chloe scooted away from him, feeling his hand stay glued to her lower back.

“Perfect.”  She replied and stood up, wanting to get away from his closeness.  He stayed seated and sniffed derisively.

“I’m sure a pretty girl like you gets bored of a bloke like that.”  He raised his eyebrows suggestively. 

“No.”  Chloe answered and returned the dumbbell to the stand, looking around for Rhys. 

“It’s alright pet, you can-”

“Oh for fucks sake Dean!”  One of the men, lifting a huge dumbbell in a concentration curl, shot out at Dean, “She’s obviously uncomfortable, leave her alone!”  A couple of the other guys made noises of agreement. 

“We was just chatting.”  Dean retorted.

“Trying to steal Rhys’s clients all the time.”  Another man grumbled, “It’s dishonest.”  Chloe looked over at the man; he was easily in his 60s. 

“We don’t get many women in this place, and I swear to our lord and saviour; you’re the sole fucking reason.”  The first guy said. 

“Oh fuck off guys.”  Dean stalked away angrily. 

“Thanks.”  Chloe said softly.

“Think nothing of it pet.”  The older man said.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have to fake having a boyfriend to get rid of a creep.”  One of the younger men said and Chloe turned her eyes to him.

“I’m not.”  She said slowly, not sure why he’d think that way and then she saw confusion on his face.

“But I thought…” he stopped and blushed slightly, “Nothing.”  He shrugged. 

“He’s not gay Brandon!”  The older guy said and Chloe saw the younger guy blush.  She could tell from the look on his face that Brandon had very good reasons to think Rhys was gay; first hand reasons…

“Look are either of you two planning to fuck him?”  The first guy said and there was a silence, “Right, then his sexuality has literally nothing to do with either of you.”  He put them in their places with a finality Chloe enjoyed.  She was thinking about what she could say when she saw Rhys, shaking hands and saying farewell to his 5am client.  He scanned the place and when he saw Chloe, he grinned and jogged across to her. 

“Ready?”  He asked her and she nodded, turning her eyes to Brandon to see him looking at Rhys longingly. 

“Dean was at it again.”  The older man said and Rhys cocked an eyebrow before shaking his head.

“Thanks guys.”  He turned his eyes back to Chloe.  “Romanian dead lift today.”  He told her and she cocked her head to the side, “Gonna add that to your routine.”  He lifted up her arms and looked at her physique, she was used to him doing this occasionally, looking for weak points, “And military press.” 

“He told me he could help me lose two stone.”  Chloe said as they walked over to the weight rack.  Rhys gave her a horrified look.  She started to giggle seeing the look on his face.

“Oh Chloe, don’t believe him that that is in any way an appropriate goal.”  He shook his head and furrowed his brows, “That’s not only unhealthy, it’s flat out dangerous.” 

“I don’t.  Don’t worry.”  She had to stop herself from touching his face; this was his place of work, it was all professionalism here.  She saw desire in his eyes, his fingers curled slightly; she knew he was thinking about touching her.  He looked away and put a hand on the dumbbells.

“What weight do you think will be you new lowest in the tri set?”

“8 kilos.”  She replied and he grinned.

“You know me too well missy.” 

 

 

The rest of the session had gone well, but Chloe’s body ached from the weight increase and the new exercises.  He’d made her sprint for most of the run home; he was barely breaking a sweat with his long, loping stride, jogging beside her as she ran as fast as she could.  He’d kissed her at the door to her place, quite passionately, his big hands splayed across her back, pulling her into him.  When he turned to leave he gave her one last look before sprinting off at his top speed.  He’d do several more hours of work with clients before heading in to pick her up from school.  She had every intention of shagging his brains out before getting ready to go to the pub with the gang.  And by the kiss he gave her at the door; he had similar intentions, if she’d allow him of course.  She wondered if there’d ever come a time when Rhys would not be in the mood for sex and she’d have to stop herself, and if it came, would she be as restrained as he was?  Right now, with the way her cunt ached for him she doubted she would be. 

 

 

Chloe strode into school with her head held high, wearing her favourite jeans and purple crop top.  She was glad when she saw the motorbike in the car park; four days without seeing Elsa at school was not good for anyone, and she felt as though there had been an expectant waiting settled over the school.  She understood Rhys’s friendship with Elsa; she wished she had one with her.  She again let her mind work over the idea of Rhys and Elsa fucking, and found her worry had lessened even further.  She saw Rae and Finn up ahead, dawdling, of course, holding hands and talking happily.  She liked how happy they’d been over the past few months; there had been a very noticeable reduction in the amount of arguments they had.  It was nice seeing Finn be less grumpy, more engaged with the world.  She held back, letting them have their own world.  She heard some nasty giggling behind her and saw some first years watching Rae and Finn, making snide comments about Rae’s weight.

“You know there’s more to a person than the way they look.”  Chloe shot at them and they looked at her with a mixture of mocking eyes and shocked faces.  “And if all you can worry about is how a person looks… well you deserve the kind o’ guys you’re gonna attract.”  She surged forward to catch up with Rae and Finn, leaving a stunned silence in her wake.  She turned to look around as she approached them and saw a timid looking first year girl with dark hair and big blue eyes.  She was watching Rae and Finn as she walked in to the building.  Her friends were chatting and talking and trying to involve her in the conversation... But the girl just stared.  Chloe got in between her friends and the girl and when the girl looked at her Chloe glared at her angrily. 

“What you looking at?”  Chloe asked aggressively.  The girl’s friends turned to look at Chloe with fright.

“N-nothing!”  The girl stuttered and averted her eyes.  Chloe marched on.

“No one fucks with my mates.”  She told herself as she caught up with them.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘The Perfect Drug’ by Nine Inch Nails _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frvxXWOSRWk> 

 

Finn sat in physics, his first class for the day.  The teacher was late and all around him a bunch of lads were rowdily chatting and bragging, the few girls in the class held their own though and Finn liked that.  But he was exhausted and cranky. 

Fifteen days.

Fifteen.

He ached for her, and she had brought him to the point of orgasm so many times in those fifteen days that his whole body felt like it was filled with backed up semen.  He felt sure he must stink of the stuff, he joked in his own head that he must make a sloshing sound when he walked.  The sexual frustration was in everything he did, from looking at the chalkboard to scratching his arm to making Rae hurt him a little bit more every night.  He did like a bit of pain with his pleasure.  But the lack of release was killing him. 

Macca was sitting beside him, going over notes; he struggled with physics and he needed to pass this class.  They were the only two quiet lads in the classroom.

Finn had been meaning to ask Macca if he’d asked Bethany out yet, but he just couldn’t bring himself to talk; he was too grumpy.  He cast an unimpressed eye at the clock and sighed, his mind turning to thoughts of Rae.  She’d be in biology now.  Her raven hair falling down her shoulders over those breasts.  Finn breathed out loudly, having to stop himself groaning at the thought of her.  He hadn’t been able to think straight since he’d first met her, but these past fifteen days had been on a whole new level. 

He couldn’t go more than a few minutes without the thought of her naked body coming to the foreground of his mind, taking all of his focus before he forced himself to focus on whatever he was supposed to be focussing on, putting his sexual attraction to her back in the background of his mind, where it always was, until he needed it.  Which he hadn’t for fifteen fucking days now. 

He kept telling himself that at least they were halfway done with this now.  He refused to believe the bleed would last more than a month.  He didn’t think he’d survive that long.  He’d drown in his own backed up cum.  He rubbed his face and felt the clock ticking by every second.  Macca mumbled beside him as he tried to get the concepts to unravel themselves in his head and Finn put his forehead on the table; images of her playing in his mind.  The way she looked when he got to slip his cock into her. 

He hadn’t been sleeping properly, he dreamt of her body, of the way it felt to be inside of her.  He wondered often if it was normal to be this obsessed with sex, to be this preoccupied with her warm wet vagina.  Tom had joked with him that he was clearly in withdrawal when he’d mentioned his obsession to him and Rhys a few days back.  He’d laughed and said great sex was like a drug and Finn had had to agree.  Sex with her was one type of drug and her presence was another type.  Two necessary drugs that he was hopelessly and happily addicted to.  He still had his Rae fix; he could spend as much time as he wanted with her, even though his dad was pestering him to spend more time downstairs with him and mum now, he still got enough Rae time in.  But he was missing his other drug: sex with her.  And he was realising how vital both of these components were to his mental health the longer he was without one of them. 

For Finn, it wasn’t just the fact that he got to cum, there was a deeper intimacy involved with being inside of her.  Even when they were just fucking, rather than making love; being inside of her was always deeply intimate and he felt connected to her in a very literal sense when he was inside of her. 

That was another topic that had come up with Rhys and Tom.  Rhys thought sex was always intimate, even with one night stands; he saw no problem with having one night of deep intimacy with someone and never seeing them again.  But he did say that having a relationship of some sort and love for a person could deepen the intimacy of sex, and had done so for him on several occasions.  But Tom believed you could have very non-intimate sex with anyone, he’d even had it with Archie, but he admitted it was far harder to be disconnected like that with Archie.  Talking about it with those guys had helped keep the yen at bay for a few minutes.  But then it was back, roaring through his guts.

He had to have her.

But he couldn’t.

So he pushed it down, balled it up, and eye fucked the hell out of her almost constantly when he was around her.

And when he wasn’t around her his mind would bring her to his imagination in glorious detail.  He could almost smell her right now. 

He banged his head on the desk, gently at first, but getting harder to try and get his mind to work on something other than how to delicately bring up the idea of fucking even though she was on it.  Which inevitably led to the lecture to stop being so selfish and obsessed with the feel of slowly slipping his entire length into that perfect cunt of hers.  He groaned and Macca gave him an odd look.  He shrugged and nodded to the clock in response and Macca nodded, not entirely convinced that Finn’s groan had been one of impatience for their teacher to arrive. 

Finn rubbed his face again and the minute his eyes were closed his mind assaulted him with images of the things they’d done together.  He stopped himself from groaning and balled his hands into fists, looking over at the clock again, the ticking was making him crazy. 

The thought of skipping class and chain smoking his entire packet of cigarettes came to his mind.  He looked over to the door and saw Rae frantically waving her hand, obviously having been trying to get his attention silently for the past few minutes.  As soon as he saw her she motioned for him to come over.  Finn furrowed his brows, wondering if his sex deprived brain was making him hallucinate.  He didn’t care, he was getting out of there. 

“Feeling sick.”  He mumbled to Macca and grabbed his bag, walking to the door without waiting for a reply. 

As soon as he got to Rae she grabbed his hand and pulled him closer, her lips going to his ear.

“It’s over.”  She whispered excitedly and he pulled back to look at her face.  Now he knew he was hallucinating.

“Over?”  He asked bewildered, still not believing her. 

“Do we have time to go home afore drama, we gotta be back for that cos-”

Finn yanked her by the hand, pulling her like a rag doll towards the disabled toilet.  She made a lusty sound of surprise but tripped after him as fast as she could.  He slammed her into the door of the disabled toilet, his mouth on hers, his fingers already hiking up her skirt, impatiently, unable to wait a moment longer, even though the location wasn’t right.

“Finn!”  She gasped, “Wrong side o’ the door!”  He kept kissing her, his body pressing against hers while she fumbled with the door handle, spilling them into the cubicle when she found it.  But Finn didn’t miss a beat, he grabbed her hard around the waist, yanking her to him, stopping her from tumbling to the floor.  With his other hand he found the door behind him and slammed it shut. 

“Holy fuck Finn!”  Rae could barely breathe he was squeezing her to his body so tight.  He had gotten very strong and Rae tried to make a mental note to thank Rhys for Finn’s training, but his mouth on her neck drove all thoughts from her mind.  He moved her with such ease now and Rae wasn’t used to feeling light on her feet, but he swept her around, slamming her back into the door, this time from the other side.  Rae gasped again and reached down to lock the door as she felt his hands on her skirt, pulling it up roughly.  She heard a tearing noise and realised her hand was grasping his shirt so hard she had torn the seam on the shoulder.  Either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care because he didn’t stop tugging her skirt up violently, his body pressed into her so hard, she could barely move as she scrabbled with the lock, her other hand still pulling him closer, his shirt tearing more.  He kissed up her neck, biting her several times, like he would physical devour her, she could feel his cock throbbing through his jeans, his other hand in her hair, pulling back her head so her could kiss her neck properly.  When his mouth returned to hers, his tongue penetrated her mouth, exploring, tasting, consuming her.  She nearly lost track of everything, feeling light-headed and breathless, it was only her hunger for him that kept her mind on the task at hand and she finally managed to get the door to lock.  She grabbed his arse with her other hand and wrapped a leg around his waist, pulling him in closer.  His fingers curled around the neck of her shirt and pulled it down hard, freeing up her cleavage for his mouth.  Rae heard another tearing sound and tried to stop herself from pulling on his shirt.  But another tug from Finn’s firm hands and another tearing sound , told her that it was her own shirt tearing.  She wanted his mouth on her and clawed at her own chest to get her fucking bra out of the way.  As soon as he saw her doing it his fingers were there pulling as roughly as her, leaving scratch marks on her chest as they both tore her breasts out of her bra.  He bit her nipple and sucked it into his open mouth roughly, his hand going to her other breast, the fingers finding her nipple and gently pulling on it.  Rae threw her head back in pleasure and slammed it into the door.

“Ow!  Fuck!”  She felt Finn stop to look up at her, probably to make sure she was ok, but she pushed his face back into her tits violently, deliberately smothering him, holding his hair firmly with one hand, the other reaching down to his jeans.  He groaned happily licking and kissing her tits while his hands made their own downward journey, reefing at her skirt aggressively so he could find the top of her tights, Rae letting go of his hair to pull on his shirt again.  After a few seconds of fumbling with that he made an annoyed grunt sound.

“When we live together; no fucking tights.”  He said through gritted teeth and tore at the material, moving her whole body with the force of the tearing.  She gasped excitedly as he pulled back from her, one hand shooting to her leg to keep it up around his waist, the other pulling viciously at her tights, tearing them along the seam in a loud ripping noise that echoed in the cubicle. 

“Get the fuck off!”  He tore furiously, wrenching her body towards him, utterly destroying the front of her tights from the thighs up.  He pushed her underwear aside and slid his fingers over her wet cunt and Rae groaned so loudly it sounded like she was close to coming.  Finn responded by groaning lustily as Rae’s fingers pulled at his jeans, snapping the buckle of his belt in her frenzy.  Finn barely noticed, his mouth was on hers again his fingers sliding inside of her hot cunt, the smell of her filling him up, driving him on.  It was taking Rae much longer than she would have liked to get his cock out of his pants, she broke two of his belt loops pulling him closer to get at his zipper.

“Why do they make the thing on zippers so fucking tiny?”  She exclaimed as her fingers slipped of the zipper tongue for the second time.  She yanked the zip down before she’d undone his button and reached her hand in, her fingers trying to find the top of his boxers.  When she couldn’t immediately find it she pulled violently at his boxers, making a petulant, tantrum sound.  Finn chuckled lustily, the chuckle turning into a groan when he took his fingers out of her wet cunt and looked at her juices on his fingers licking them happily, tasting her finally.  He reached down to try and help her and between them they ended up popping the button on his pants, it flew across the disabled toilet, smacking into the mirror, chipping it before ricocheting off to who knew and who cared where.  They laughed triumphantly as his cock emerged finally and they knew that soon… soon… it was going to happen.  They kissed deeply, Finn’s fingers finding their way back down to her cunt, Rae’s hands on his cock. 

“Jump up!”  He ordered and Rae gave him a horrified look.

“What?”

“Get the fuck on me Rae!”  He snapped and she put her hands on his shoulders and jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist.  He pushed her into the door as she locked her ankles together.  He didn’t need to tell her to reach down and guide his cock into her, she was already doing it before he slammed her into the door.  She fumbled with fear that he’d drop her and that she was too heavy playing in the back of her mind, but mostly she was just so desperate to fuck that she was frantic, making her actions uncoordinated.

“Rae!”  Finn groaned as she fumbled.  “C’mon girl.”  She finally slid the tip of his cock into her and before she’d had chance to move her hands away he was thrusting in to the hilt, hard and fast.  She gasped loudly, crying out when he pulled back and thrust into her harder the second time.  The door rattled loudly with each thrust and Rae cried out each time, her arms around his neck, her mouth on his, his hands grasping her arse firmly, his fingers digging in deliciously.  She banged back into the door every time he used his whole body to drive into her, his teeth gritting with the effort he was putting in to being in her as hard and deep as possible with every thrust.  Rae felt the heat in her cunt tingling in that way that always sent shudders up her spine, her eyes rolled back into her head and she started to groan almost non-stop as the waves of pleasure started to crash into her.  But Finn stopped suddenly.

“The fuck Finn?”  She almost yelled at him, “Fuck me!” 

“I gotta stop.”  He whimpered and Rae felt a leaden weight hit her stomach as he let her legs drop, his cock slipping out of her.  But she barely had any time to think about it before he was kissing her passionately, his tongue again insisting access to the depths of her mouth and breathlessness again overtook Rae.  He kissed her for a few minutes before spinning her around like a ragdoll. 

“Fuck you’re strong Finn.”  She saw the lusty, triumphant grin on his face in the mirror as he pulled at her skirt and tore at her tights, exposing her pale as alabaster arse.  He smacked each cheek, hard, eliciting that moan of pleasure he enjoyed hearing when he spanked her.  He knew he should probably finger her again, make sure she was warmed up enough the pounding he was about to give her.  But he couldn’t stop himself; he had to have her.  He slammed into her and she jolted forward, her hands gripping the basin.  Rae’s cunt sung out in pleasure as he slammed into her again; she was sure his pelvis was gonna shatter if he kept fucking her that hard.  He reached forward, grabbing her shoulders and slammed into her, the full force of his thrust finally hitting Rae when she didn’t jolt forward with the momentum of it.  She cried out loudly, a grunt of pleasure and surprise.  He started to fuck her harder and faster than she’d ever experienced.  His hands moved down to her hips, gripping her firmly, keeping her close to him and still so he could fuck her.  Rae stood, bent over, loving the way his hands felt holding her hips, her mouth open in pleasure, trying to not fall over from the onslaught.  Finn physically pushed her forward, wedging her against the sink so that she was in between his hard body and the basin, utterly unable to move, and let his hand creep up to her breasts.  Rae looked up into the mirror, needing no prompting from him to want to see him fucking her.  She saw him looking at her, his eyes hooded with desire and pleasure.  He pulled up her shirt and kissed her back, licking the salt from her skin with a reverent sigh.  Rae again felt the tingles from her cunt start to violently shudder throughout her whole body.  She started to groan loudly, Finn pressed his back into her, his pelvis losing none of its speed or force and slowly curled his fingers over her mouth.

“Shhh girl!”  He whispered to her as her orgasm made her scream in pleasure, his hand mitigating the noise nicely.  She watched herself coming, Finn’s hand over her mouth, his eyes on hers and felt herself quickly tipping over the edge again, she rolled her head back onto his shoulder and felt his heart beating hard and fast in his chest.  She could hear him gasping for air, but he didn’t stop; she was coming and he was getting close to coming.  She was still coming when he started to thrust in long hard pushes, a groan rising from deep inside of his guts.  She watched his mouth open wide, his brows furrow and a loud moan squeeze itself from his exhausted throat; his thrusts getting so hard now that he literally lifted her off the ground, her feet feeling air for a moment.  He was shaking violently after he came, his breath coming in gasps, his eyes on hers in the mirror, his hand slowly letting go of her mouth and travelling slowly down her neck, settling on her throat gently as he pulled her back into him, holding her close, his head falling sideways onto her neck, but his eyes never leaving hers while he got his breath back, his cock still inside her, semen dribbling down her legs onto the floor.  She saw the lust and desire still in his eyes and knew long before he started thrusting again that he wasn’t done.  As soon as he had his breath back he was back at it, fucking her as hard as he had before.  After just a few minutes of this he pulled out of her, muttering.

“What?”  She asked, but he spun he back around, she was very much enjoying Finn too horny to fret about if she was ok.  Because she was more than ok; he was fucking the hell out of her and she loved it. 

“I said I need to kiss you while I’m fucking you.”  He said and hoisted her up onto the basin. 

“Fucking hell Finn!”  She squealed, not expecting that much strength from him.  For Finn it was a glorious accumulation of months and months of training.  He still had a while to go to be as strong as he wanted, but he had fucked her up against a wall for a brief shining moment.  Her weight was better distributed than Tom’s, he was top heavy, and it had been easier to hold her up than he thought it would be.  He slid back into her immediately, Rae scrambling to find purchase on the sink as he started to fuck her again, accidentally turning on the tap and getting her skirt soaked.  But his mouth devoured hers and his cock ground into her, slower now, but no less hard and no less deep.  Rae wrapped her legs around his waist to pull him in as close as possible, wanting to feel him deep inside her.  Deeper.  Deeper.  Finn knew this urge in her; she’d had it many times and he curled his pelvis up slightly when he ground his cock in slow and hard and deep.  It made her gasp every time, rubbing something deep inside of her that made her almost go into a trance; her eyes rolling back in her head, her groans deep and low in her belly.  And always he’d feel her nails scrape across his back when he did this.  And there they were.  The first time she’d scratched his back he’d felt the pain acutely and flinched away, now he bent into it, enjoying the way it increased his pleasure. 

“Harder!”  He moaned. And she scratched his back harder, feeling one of her nails bend back slightly.  She groaned as orgasm started to wash trough her and Finn groaned loudly in pain and pleasure, feeling himself starting to rush towards the edge again.  He couldn’t stop kissing her, especially when she bit his bottom lip like that.  He bit hers hard, tasting her blood and got only a groan of appreciation from her in response; their mouths not parting for anything.  Rae was beginning to cum again when Finn started to groan in a way that meant he was about to come too.  She liked it when they came together like this.  When Finn started to cum again he took her face in his hands and stared into her eyes intensely, their simultaneous orgasms making them both shudder in silent unison. 

“I love you.”  She gasped.

“I love you.”  His eyes never leaving hers, even as his body grew weak from the strength of his orgasm.  And then his mouth was on hers again, his hands still holding her face.  She noted that his cock was not going down and groaned happily.  But Finn gently stopped kissing her and looked this watch. 

“We gotta go to drama or we can’t go to the camp.”  He whispered regretfully.  “And I want you to win.” 

“Can we go home at lunch time?”  She whimpered.

“Aye, we’re going home at lunch time.”  He said firmly, and both of them were thinking about not coming back for the afternoon classes.  He kissed her, His pelvis starting to move again for a few minutes, bringing her to the moment of gasping just before an orgasm before he stopped and sighed regretfully.

“Gotta get going, girl.”

“Fuck you!”  She hissed angrily and he grinned cheekily at her.  He stepped back and helped her off the basin, Rae felt a sticky mess between her legs and pulled a face.  Finn started to laugh as he looked in the mirror, the neck of his shirt was so torn that it dropped off one shoulder completely.  He shook his head and turned to look at his back, it was bleeding and when the shirt had dropped back down, it had bled through the shirt in a pattern that left no doubt as to what had happened to his back.  He looked down at his pants and saw his belt hanging uselessly from the remaining belt hooks and the spot where his button used to be.  Rae looked down at her skirt, stained with semen and water, torn slightly at the waist and the hem.  She looked up in the mirror and saw how badly her shirt and bra were torn, slightly bloody claw marks across her chest.

“Bloody hell.”  She muttered as she tried to make herself look more respectable, cleaning the mess between her legs while Finn tried to figure out how to make his belt useful, given that he didn’t have a button to help hold his pants up anymore.  Her tights were a mess and she decided they had to just come off and go in the bin, leaving her with just underwear on under her torn and stained skirt; she was glad they were going home at lunch time.  All day with her thighs rubbing would have killed her with both pain and shame.  Her underwear was wet with both his and her cum, but she could handle that.  She fidgeted with her bra for some time, trying to make it useful again.

“Just take it off.”  Finn shrugged.

“I’m not going braless at school Finn!”  She hissed at him.

“Why not?”  He asked her, cupping her breasts, his cock obviously still hard; she could feel it pressing into her arse through his jeans, “I’d enjoy it.”  She turned and gave him a dirty look.  And he just kept grinning cheekily; all signs of his previous grumpy mood gone.  In the end she did take her bra off, it was too destroyed to be useful or not noticed.  Her shirt was ok if she let it slouch off one shoulder like Finn was doing with his shirt.  Finn reached under her shirt and moaned lustily as he felt her bare breasts, running his fingers over her sensitive nipples.  Rae had a few bite marks on her neck, and she tried to smooth her hair down and over them, and her breasts.  Finn had bite marks on his neck too, but he was making no attempt to hide them; he knew there was no point and he was too fucking happy after that shag to care.  She pouted out her bottom lip and he winced slightly when he saw the cut.

“Sorry.”  He pulled a face and she shook her head.

“Don’t be.”  She licked it slightly, feeling the sting and grinned at him, “I like rough Finn.”  She tapped his face gently and he grinned smuttily at her. 

“Well you’re gonna have plenty more of him at lunch time girl.”

“I look forward to it.”  She kissed him passionately, leaving him in no doubt of her desire for him. 

“Oh fuck I have to have you again.”  He groaned lustily, his hands going under her skirt.

“Drama.”  She whispered.  He moaned in frustration, his fingers tracing along her underpants.

“Take your knickers off.”  He said in a low commanding voice.  Rae gave him an incredulous look.

“Not at school Finn!”  She whispered.

“Off.”  He ordered in a soft voice.  She felt a thrill in the pit of her stomach and slowly slid them off.  He held his hand out and she handed them to him.  The first thing he did was smell them, before putting them in his pocket with a triumphant, lusty grin.  “Well I’m good to go now.”  He said smugly and she widened her eyes at him before looking at the door.  She was about to protest, but the thrill of maybe getting caught, of doing something like this was too exciting.  She nodded slowly, her eyes returning to Finn.

“Alright.”  She agreed and saw his face grow more excited; he wasn’t sure she’d go through with it. 

“Fuck you’re sexy.”  He groaned and his hands went back to her waist, pulling her to him again.  They kissed for some time, before a nagging worry from the back of Rae’s mind took over and she stopped, looking up at Finn she furrowed her brows. 

“Was I too heavy?”  She made herself ask, needing to know why he’d stopped.  He saw the worry, the shame and self-consciousness on her face.  He grinned and stroked her cheek.

“No, I had you.”  He told her with obvious satisfaction, “I had to stop cos I were about to cum.”  He shook his head in awe of her, “Way too soon and I weren’t sure we’d get a second go, you know?”  She nodded; it wasn’t always guaranteed that Finn would be good to go again so quickly, “You’re too fucking sexy girl.  I want you too much.”  Rae felt his hand fall to her arse, already started to squeeze her in a way that meant he was horny and ready to fuck still. 

“I think you want me just the right amount.”  Rae said and looked back in the mirror with a sigh; there was no way she was going to look respectable for drama, half her clothes were torn and she was missing all of her underwear. 

“I just got an hour class to get through before I can have you again.”  He muttered, as if placating a raging beast.  She grinned and opened the door to a group of people laughing and gawking, waiting to see who had been fucking in the disabled toilet. 

“Oh fuck.”  Rae whimpered softly.  There was no way to plausibly deny it.  Everyone knew they’d fucked in there.  Finn took a moment to take in the crowd, now silently looking at them, his tongue went to his back teeth in thought.  He blinked slowly, realising that even about something this private, he just didn’t care what they thought.  He shrugged and took Rae’s hand firmly, but feeling her trembling with anxiety, he ran the hand up her arm and out his arm around her shoulders.  He subtly, gently, un-rooted her from the spot and guided her towards the hall.

“You’re alright.”  He soothed almost silently, “I’m right here with you.”  He kissed her temple, “And neither of us give a fuck about them.”  She nodded and laughed nervously.  His tension eased immediately, that slight laugh told him that the panic attack had been diverted; she’d done most of the work inside her own head, he knew that, but he was glad he’d been able to help. 

“I love you Mrs Nelson.”

“I love you too Finn.”  She grinned.  “And I want you to keep in mind, that I’m not wearing any underwear.”  He heard the nerves in her voice, some left over from the now laughing kids behind them and some from the fact that she was wearing no underwear.

“Easier access for when I get you home girl.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Tonight Tonight’ by The Smashing Pumpkins _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOG3eus4ZSo>

 

In the end all of Rae’s clothes had been completely trashed by their fucking.  He’d torn half of her shirt off before they’d even gotten into his, thankfully empty, house.  And when they got up to his room he tore her skirt from her body and pushed her onto the bed in what was possibly one of the sexiest moment of her life, and basically ravished her without saying a word.  She had bruises from the hard surfaces in the disabled toilet and scratches and hickies and bite marks all over her.  She ached from being fucked, her insides felt bruised and Finn laughed that he thought the head of his cock might be bruised after it all.  He was in a similar condition physically and they grinned at each other happily; having skipped the rest of the day at school to fuck violently and loudly in his room, finishing up with a slow, long lovemaking session in the shower. 

Neither of them could walk properly when they meandered into the pub that night for the evening’s revelries with the gang.  Archie took one look at them and shook his head.

“Redgate finally over then?”  Rae gave Finn an annoyed look.

“What?  He’s me best mate, and he knows when it’s not happening.”  Finn tried to placate her grumpy face. 

“The whole fucking world knows when you two aren’t shagging; behold the wrath of Finn when he’s not fucking.”  Tom laughed. 

“Oi!”  Finn said with a surprised look.

“What?  You’re a grumpy sod when you can’t get in her pants.  We all know it!”  Tom grinned cheekily, “What was that two weeks?  I’m no expert love, but you should see a doctor.” 

“I have.”  Rae said through gritted teeth.  She saw Archie whisper something to Tom and understanding come to his face.

“Oh right.”  He shrugged, “Don’t have to worry about that kinda thing luckily.”  He grinned and Rae turned back to Finn.

“You told Archie about the…” She didn’t say IUD, even though Archie and Tom where the only ones here yet, it was still a pub filled with patrons.

“He did, and I just told Tom.”  Archie grinned, “One of the other consequences of being an open group of friends.” 

“For fuck’s sake.”  Rae muttered.

“He’s me best mate!”  Finn repeated, “And I were worried.”

“So you thought you’d tell a gay man about the inner workings of me clacker?”

“I talked to me best mate about stuff in me life that’s worrying me.”  Finn corrected and Rae rolled her eyes.

“Sorry Archer.”  Rae turned to Archie, knowing that Archie was often burdened with too much information about her vagina. 

“I survived it.”  He said seriously, “I always do.”  Finn rolled his eyes at Archie, “Although I do know more about vaginas than any other gay man I know.”  Tom chuckled and wrapped his arm around Archie’s waist with that happy grin he always had when he looked at Archie. 

“As long as you don’t put that knowledge to good use too often, we’ll be fine.”  He teased.

“Good to know.”  Archie laughed, clearly having no intention of putting it to good use. 

“Right, I’m gonna buy the first round for everyone.”  Tom grinned, “So those other sods have drinks waiting for ‘em when they get here.” 

“Right, I’ll come help.”  Rae offered and Tom took her hand, the two of them set off across the pub.  Chop came in, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, his hands pocketed, looking tired but happy. 

“Where’s Iz?”

“Doing a suit fitting for Rhys.”  Chop shrugged, “She had to make a suit that was challenging, this year for school.  She said Rhys’s size qualified as challenging.  So her and those guys’ll be along in a bit.”  Finn looked at his tired face.

“Long week?”

“Second week of owning me own business.”  Chop grinned, “It’s more work than I’m used to.”  He acknowledged sitting down between them, “But I fucking love it.”  He grinned and then looked around the pub.

“Gents, I gotta tell you something.”  He motioned for them both to get closer and Finn lit up a cigarette before leaning in with a sceptical look on his face; whenever Chop said something like this it was either a bullshit story or a prank.  He looked around and when he was sure no one could hear him he opened his mouth, paused, furrowed his brows and then snapped his mouth shut. 

“What is it?”  Archie asked and Chop turned to him.

“Well.”  He said slowly before turning to look at Finn, “I got something to tell you Finn.”  He whispered and Archie gave Finn a look over Chop’s shoulder.  Finn shrugged back to Archie bemused face and flicked his eyes back down to Chop’s face. 

“Oh aye?  What?”  Finn asked, not wanting to get dragged into another prank.  Chop looked back at Archie for a moment gave him a bit of a grin that Archie couldn’t read and then stared off thoughtfully.  Archie and Finn shared another confused look.

“Izzy did something to me.”  Chop said after a long pause. 

“Alright.”  Finn said, “Doesn’t she always do stuff to you?”  Archie pulled a face and Finn had to stop himself from laughing at him. 

“Aye but this were different laddy.”  Chop said in a voice that indicated he’d seen and done things Finn could never understand. 

“Different how?”  Archie tried not to laugh at Chop’s melodramatic voice.  Chop looked at him for a minute and patted him on the back.

“Alright.”  He said as if Archie had achieved something wonderful and Archie opened his eyes wide in awkward confusion while Finn repressed his sniggering.  Chop turned to Finn and he instantly put on a serious face and tried to look as if he was listening to everything Chop said very closely. 

“You remember that deal you made with Rae?”  Chop asked and Finn scrunched up his face, “You know the one you thought were about her putting the brakes on?”  Chop asked and Finn nodded, “Tit for tat… don’t worry about the fucking tat…”  Chop said with a meaningful nod of the head and Finn took a moment to let that sink in before his jaw dropped in surprise. 

“Wait, what?”  Finn asked amazed but Archie still looked confused.

“Fucking amazing.”  He nodded, “Fucking do it.”  Chop grinned with an oddly satisfied face and nodded wisely again. 

“Wait.”  Finn said shaking his head, “You mean… She…” Finn stopped, “She…”

“Slipped a finger up me arse.”  He said very softly, leaving a moment of silence between the three lads before Archie broke out in laughter.  Finn kept looking at Chop stunned.

“It were good?”  Finn barely breathed the question; this was something that Rae wanted to do to him.  Chop nodded.

“It were like she were touching me cock from the inside.” 

“Holy fuck, what does that even feel like?”  Finn marvelled. 

“Like nothing you can imagine Finn… fucking do it.”  Chop turned back to Archie and gave him another grin and Archie shook his head.

“Getting your prostate poked by a finger is a totally different thing to getting a cock up there.”  Archie was still chuckling.

“I know!”  Chop said angrily, “But I understand how you do it now.”  Finn looked at his two mates with an open mouth, his eyes flicking from one to the other. 

“Oh right?”  Archie laughed, “Solidarity huh?” 

“Yeah!”  Chop grinned and pat him on the back again and Archie shook his head in bemused disbelief. 

“So…” Finn had a million questions rushing through his head, “what…?  How…?”  He stopped and looked at Chop as Chop just put a hand around his shoulders.

“Just let her do it Finn.”  He said sagely, “Just let her do it.”  Finn blinked at him and shot Archie a dirty look because he was guffawing so loudly now that his face was starting to go red.  Tom and Rae returned with the drinks and Tom gave Archie a curious look as if to ask ‘what’s funny?’

“Heterosexual boys.”  Archie answered his unasked question and Tom nodded.

“Of course.” 

“What about ‘em?”  Rae asked and Chop leaned forward and put a hand on hers.

“Just be gentle Raemundo.”  He said with that wise voice and leaned back, smoking his cigarette enigmatically.  Rae gave him a confused look but Archie was nearly choking he was laughing so hard at Chop.  Finn continued to look amazed and intrigued. 

“The fuck happened when we was at the bar?”  Rae asked and Chop shook his head.

“That’s between us three.”  He said firmly.

“Oh right?”  She said, looking at Finn, who flicked his eyes between Chop and Rae.

“Don’t you say a word Finn.”  Chop told him and Rae shrugged.

“Keep your secrets.”  She said disinterestedly, “Whatever.”  But beneath the table she slowly traced out words on Finn’s thigh.

_Tell me later?_

Finn traced a word on her thigh.

_Maybe_

She looked at his face and he grinned cheekily. 

_Maybe?_

She traced and he subtly shook his head.

_Izzy will tell you._

He wrote on her thigh and she nodded, running her hand up his thigh to his crotch.  He gave her a smutty look and didn’t try to stop her from gently tracing patterns over his groin, making his balls ache for her again.  Normally he’d gently take her hand off his crotch if they were in public and she was getting frisky like this, but after fifteen days of no Rae action, Finn was taking everything he could get.  Especially since she was heading off to Lincoln on Sunday night because the performance day on Monday ran from 7am until 7pm, and if she got through to the final, she’d be needed on Tuesday from 7am until 4pm.  On Wednesday morning, the minivan would bring back everyone but Sam and Rae, and then pick up Finn and the other comedy actors for the same drill on Thursday: 7am until 7pm.  Finn hoped he’d be needed for the Friday finals, but he doubted it.  He knew Rae could do it, but didn’t think he was capable of it; he wasn’t that good at acting.  Still, he was excited to be going at all; he got butterflies thinking about it.  But he got grumpy thinking about the time away from Rae.  So he intended to make the most of the weekend he had with her before she had to go. 

Izzy and Rhys came through the door, Rhys holding the door open for Chloe who was looking outside, down the street at a guy that had just whistled at her, the door to the pub hiding Rhys from his view.

“Go fuck yourself!”  She called out, “Whistles are for fucking dogs!”  She started to go back out the door when he yelled back at her and Rhys stepped out after her, Izzy turning to look, but one look at Rhys had made the guy who had whistled at Chloe back off instantly.  She turned back to Rhys and pushed him hard but he barely moved.

“I can take care of me own fights!”  She told him firmly.

“I know.”  Rhys said, “I wasn’t intending to get involved!”  Rhys grinned, “I wanted to see you kick his arse.”  She tutted and rolled her eyes.

“Yes but one look at you sends them scampering away.”  She laughed. 

“I’ve gotta see your form in real fights.”  He shrugged and she nodded.

“Right, new life goal; start more fights.”  Chloe joked as they sauntered over to the table.  Izzy went straight to Chop and gave him a kiss, sitting on his lap happily.  Finn stared at her for a moment, thinking about what Chop had told them a few minutes earlier. 

“A little news guys!”  Archie said once everyone had sat down and they all turned their eyes to him, “We are heading off on our three month odyssey not this Monday but next; everything’s booked and finalised!”  Rae pouted slightly; she would be away for the whole of his last week here. 

“I’m gonna miss you!”  She said dramatically and leaned over the table to throw her arms around his neck. 

“Face full o’ tit Rae!”  Archie’s voice was muffled but she didn’t care, she just hugged him tighter. 

“You must be so excited!”  Chloe threw herself into the hug, Izzy joining in.

“Party at our place Friday night?”  Chop asked, “To see you guys off?”

“Yeah can’t have it at your place.”  Izzy said, “Don’t wanna have to spend Saturday cleaning up!”

“We’ll be back from drama by about 6pm.”  Finn told them and Chop looked over at Tom for confirmation; Archie was still buried under the girls.

“Sounds great.”  Tom answered, “and we’ll have to give you all our itinerary so you know where we are all the time.”  He grinned, “It’s planned down to minutest detail.”  He nodded fondly, looking over at Archie as he finally freed himself from the hug, “Even what time we’re going to each attraction.”  Tom started to chuckle.  He loved how much attention to detail Archie had. 

“We probably won’t end up sticking to it.”  Archie acknowledged.  “I read in ‘Lonely Planet’ that Egypt runs on its own timetable, so there’s not point trying to get anywhere on time.”

“But you tried to organise us at least.”  Tom grinned appreciatively. 

“And we’ll still be in the basic locations on those dates, even if not the exact location.”  Archie shrugged.

“What d’you mean?”  Chop asked.

“Well we’re in Cairo first.  And I’ve put Coptic Cairo visit 9am on the 30th.”  Archie told them, “So we’ll definitely be in Cairo on that date… but we might not be in Coptic Cairo.” 

“What’s Coptic Cairo?”  Izzy asked.

“Copts are Christians Iz.”  Chop said, “They got their own pope an’ everything.”  Izzy looked at him for a moment and then looked at Archie for confirmation.

“He’s right.”  Archie said.

“Oi!”  Chop grumbled, “I know that kind o’ shit.” 

“I’m sorry Choppy.”  Izzy kissed his cheek and nuzzled into him and Chop’s rolled his eyes and stopped grumbling, wrapping his arms around her contently.  They talked for a while longer about the possibility of the different popes getting into a pope war until Izzy gave a quick look to Rae and then Chloe, the three girls simultaneously standing up.

“Gotta pee.”  Chloe said and started to turn towards the toilet. 

“Why you all gotta go?”  Chop asked suspiciously, eyeing Izzy meaningfully.  She gave him an enigmatic smile, gently stroking his cheek.

“Oh Choppy… you know why.”  She said gently, grinned and turned to go with the girls.  Rae gave Finn a final grin, and seeing Chop’s brows furrowed, unimpressed, knew she was about to find out what the lads were keeping private. 

When they got into the bathroom, Rae was frustrated by a group of four girls in there, gossiping happily, unwilling to give up their spot, continuing their conversation.  Izzy was unwilling to tell them what she had to say until they were in private. 

“I’ll just tell you girls later.”  Izzy said disappointed.

“Nah I really gotta pee.”  Rae lied, wanting to see if the other girls would leave if they hung around.  Rae went in the cubicle and sat on the lid of the toilet.  She heard Chloe and Izzy muttering together softly and the other girls giggling.  She listened to the girls and tried to think of a way to get rid of them.  Hearing the way they were talking gave her an idea, that she just hoped her girls would pick up on.

“Did you see those fit lads that just come in when we got up?”  Rae asked them loudly.  Chloe and Izzy gave each other a confused look.

“You what?”  Izzy asked and Rae rolled her eyes.  She wished she wasn’t in the cubicle now, so that she could give them a look to go along with it, but if she was out there, Izzy would leave. 

“You know the fit lads that sat up the back table.  All alone, no girls.”  Rae was talking about their lads, and she’d have to apologise to them for sending these girls to them; but from the talking they’d been doing, Rae had figured out that they were on the prowl for male company.  “Looked like they was sharking.”  Rae crossed her fingers that at least Chloe would get it.  She was greeted by silence, “Reckon when I’m done here we should go get ‘em.”  Rae said and Chloe finally caught on.

“Yeah, all five of ‘em was real good looking.”  Chloe saw the other girls pretending to not hear what they’d said, whispering to each other now.  “And the real tall one was giving me a look.”  She added.  Suddenly the obvious leader of the other group of girls broke for the door, the other three following her.  As soon as Rae heard the door open she left the cubicle and gave Chloe a grin. 

“Why did we just send four girls off to go after our lads?”  Izzy asked confused.

“Well they’re not in here anymore are they Iz?”  Rae asked and Izzy grinned.

“Ah right!  She said appreciatively. 

“So what were you gonna tell us?”  Rae asked excitedly. 

“I did it!”  Izzy said excitedly, jumping up and down on the spot slightly.  She bit her bottom lip waiting for them both to congratulate her.  But they both looked at her blankly. 

“Did it?”  Rae asked.

“Did what?”  Chloe added.

“There’s a huge range o’ things you could o’ done Izzy.”  Rae concluded and Izzy rolled her eyes.

“I finger-banged Chop!”  Chloe’s jaw dropped and Rae blinked at her.

“How the fuck did you get it done first?”  Chloe started to laugh.  Rae shook her head slowly taking it in and then joined Chloe in the laughter.

“Wow Izzy!”  Rae agreed with Chloe, “You dirty pervey girl you.” 

“Is it bad?”  Izzy asked, suddenly worried.

“No it’s brilliant!”  Rae grinned.  “What were it like?”

“Well for one.  Cum is disgusting, how the fuck do you two swallow it?”  Rae shrugged.

“I dunno, apparently diet plays a role in the way it tastes.”  Chloe answered.

“It’s not just the taste though, is it?  It’s the fucking texture.”  Izzy pulled a face.

“The way it sticks to your teeth!”  Chloe nodded her head.  Rae made a sound of agreement

“So what were it like?”  Rae persisted.

“Well I told him I were gonna do something new to him and to try and like it.  Then I went down on him.  And I just did it.”  She shrugged.  “I just got it in me head that I were gonna do it if I could.  And I knew if I asked him first he’d never go for it.  So I just gently… went for it.”  Izzy shrugged, “That sounds bad, don’t it?  But I gave him plenty o’ time to back out before I slipped it in, but he never said nawt.”  Izzy elaborated; “I mean he looked surprised when I started to touch him there.  And worried.  But when I put it in him, he looked confused and then… then it were like I were giving him the most amount o’ pleasure he’d ever experienced.”  Rae and Chloe’s jaw dropped in surprise, “It were like he totally lost himself and got caught up in what I were doing to him completely.  And when he came it were the hugest orgasm I’ve ever seen ’im have.  He shook like I shake!” 

“Holy fuck.”  Rae was awed by this account. 

“He were a mess after, collapsed and couldn’t even talk.”  Izzy grinned.  “I did that to him.”  She said proudly.  “The book said it were immensely pleasurable for some men and not at all for others… I’m glad it were so good for him.”  She said honestly.  “And I win!” 

“Check this girl out!”  Chloe said proudly, “Getting what she wants, when she wants it!”  Izzy beamed at Chloe and looked to Rae who was shaking her head. 

“And I’m not even done with that lad yet.”  Izzy grinned cheekily.  Rae chuckled.

“Fuck Izzy!  Now I’m thinking it’s Finn that’ll never let me do it!”  Rae laughed.

“The world’s gone upside down!”  Chloe agreed, thinking that Chop had been the most vanilla of the lads a few days ago, and now… he was caught up it seemed.  Thanks to Izzy’s efforts. 

“Congratulations on your victory!”  Rae gave her a hug.

“What d’you reckon the boys’d say if they knew we was making competitions?”  Izzy fretted. 

“Who cares?”  Chloe chuckled, “They do it all the time.  And it’s not like we’re forcing ‘em to do anything they don’t wanna.”  She shrugged.  Izzy considered this for a moment and nodded.

“So we’ll need to make up a new competition girls.”  Izzy grinned.

“Still got second and third place on this one!”  Chloe said, “I gotta get my man’s queer pride back!”  She joked. 

“D’you think Chop’s queer cos he liked it so much?”  Izzy asked and Chloe shook her head.  “I wouldn’t mind if he were.”  She grinned deviously.

“Oh!”  Chloe laughed, surprised, “I think you’d prefer it Izzy!”  Izzy shrugged and sighed wistfully.

“Better go save our lads then.”  She thought about those, very pretty, very sexily clad women they sent to go after their lads. 

When they left the toilet, sure enough the four girls were at the table with the lads, having sat down and chatting.  Rae noticed Finn leaning away from one of them, and when she tried to touch him he moved his hand away so she couldn’t, picking up his pint and looking away.  Tom was chatting, bemusedly to one of them, his arm still around Archie’s shoulders, but the girls not seeming to take that hint.  Chop was lighting up a cigarette as the one girl swapped between trying to talk to Archie, who kept watching the conversation with Tom and the girl, and Chop.  He looked slightly lost as to what to do with the girls.  And the fourth girl had cozied up to Rhys.  And Rhys, being Rhys, was being as polite as ever; he and Tom were being the most polite of the lads; albeit Tom was being polite because he was so amused that the girl wasn’t getting the idea that he was gay, based off how he was touching Archie.  As he spoke his hand started to massage Archie’s chest, eventually coming off his shoulders to let the hand rest high on his thigh, but still the girl continued to flirt and Tom loved her folly so much he let her.  Chloe watched Rhys as he politely answered the girl’s questions with closed answers, giving her nowhere to go with them and asking her no questions of his own.  Finn said something to the other girl and she looked affronted.  They got over there just in time to hear her angrily muttering.

“Get over yourself, you’re not that fucking fit.”  Finn looked completely disinterested, even in her reply but he came to life, grinning broadly when he saw Rae and held a hand out to her.

“Get out o’ me girlfriend’s seat.”  He said to the still muttering girl.  She looked up at Rae and made a disgusted sound.  “Move it!”  Finn said firmer when she didn’t move.  “I told you not to sit down in the first place.”  He said to her angry glare.  She got up and looked at Chloe and Izzy.  Izzy dropped back into Chop’s lap as Tom’s hand travelled high enough up Archie’s thigh to be touching his balls through his pants, and still the girl didn’t realise.  Chloe went over to Rhys and sat next to him, squeezing in between Chop and Rhys, who immediately put his big arm around her shoulders as he once again politely answered her question.  She saw his arm go around Chloe and her face grew angry and cold. 

“Why are you talking to me, if you’re with her?”  She accused angrily. 

“Because I do not see all women as possible targets for my dick.”  Rhys answered, “As such having a conversation with any woman is in no way inherently sexual or suggestive of possible intimacy.”  She opened her mouth in confusion and Chloe grinned, mostly pleased that she understood what he was saying.  “Therefore, me having a girlfriend in no way hinders my access to conversation with women.”  He finished simply. 

“But you knew I was interested in you!”  She retorted angrier than before, feeling stupid. 

“And that is why I did not let us talk about topics that would in any way imply that I was interested in you in that way.”  She stormed away, to the bar, muttering under her breath, the other three girls following, the one that had been talking to Tom was very reluctant to leave, even as Archie kissed Tom on the cheek.  As the girls departed they were greeted by the sight of Danny coming through the door.

“Danny!”  Izzy squealed and jumped up to give him a hug.

“I’m only here for a few hours.”  He said apologetically before the rest of the gang said their hellos, Chloe introduced Rhys and Archie introducing Tom. 

“How’s the business owning going Danny?”  Rae asked with a grin and Danny nodded slowly.

“It’s hard work.”  He said, “Longer hours than I’m used to and so much power.”  He said almost melodramatically.  Chop grinned happily.

“Danny’s in charge of all the financial shit,” Chop said, “I ain’t got a head for that stuff.” 

“I’m quite good with numbers.”  Danny reassured Tom and Rhys; he’d already told the rest of the gang this fact a few times.  “But Joe used to keep an eye on me.”  Danny fretted slightly.

“I don’t.”  Chop shrugged, “If I can’t trust me business partner, what’s the point o’ being in business with him?”  Chop slapped Danny on the back happily, “But enough o’ fucking work!”  Chop insisted, “How about we have a look-see ‘round the pub for a nice lass?”  Chop nodded towards two girls sitting at the bar and Danny looked over instantly, with a slightly worried expression. 

“I don’t think I’m handsome enough.”  Danny answered and looked back at the table.

“What you on about?”  Chop asked, his nose scrunching up in confusion.

“Well, you see, girls like that, don’t go for guys like me.”  Danny answered, “Actually… girls in general don’t go for… me.” 

“That’s not true!”  Rae answered, “Tixie had such a crush on you!”

“Ah but Tix were special Rae.”  Danny looked downcast.  “Did she really?”  He asked with a hopeful grin. 

“Yes Danny!”  Rae answered firmly.  Danny looked at her for a moment.

“Why do you suppose she did?”  He asked, “In the interests of education.”  He assured them.

“Cos you’re clever.” Rae answered.

“And funny!”  Izzy added.

“Kind.”  Chloe continued and turned to Archie.

“You’re a real loyal friend.”  Archie looked to Chop.

“Reliable as they come.”  Chop added.

“And creative.”  Finn grinned, thinking about Danny’s plan to make him jealous at the sexy party.

“But I don’t look like you do I?”  He asked astutely, “So it’s harder for me.”  Finn furrowed his eyebrows and looked to Rae for help.

“Why are you suddenly worried about that Danny?”  Rae asked. 

“Well I just wonder what I have to offer a girl.”  He said, “And my parents put up a family portrait.  I don’t like it.” 

“What, you don’t like the way you look in it?”  Chop asked.

“Yes.”  Danny answered simply, turning his eyes back to Finn. 

“Aye but that’s a photo.”  Finn shrugged, “I know from me pictures of Rae that she looks different in photos than real life.” 

“Yeah cameras take something three dimensional like a face and render it in a two dimensional way,” Tom piped in, “It’s inherently flawed, it flattens out the features.”  He shrugged and notice Archie giving him a strange look, “What?”  He asked, “I know photography I did some modelling for a bit.”  He shrugged. 

“Of course you did.”  Archie shook his head and chuckled before turning back to Danny, “And you know, similarly, even with mirrors, you see yourself reversed.” 

“So in reality… you’ve never seen your own face!”  Finn finished happily and then a distant look of realisation came to his face as he realised he’d never seen his own face either.  “Fuck…” He said slowly.  “No one has ever seen their own face properly… not the way other people see it.”

“I need a lot more pot before I can have this conversation.”  Tom answered and they all laughed. 

“The point is,” Rae persisted, “You don’t know what you look like to other people Danny.”  She was suddenly struck by her own words and turned back to a smiling Finn, he stroked her face momentarily before she turned back to Danny, “And while it’s very nice to be physically attractive to people, if that’s all they can see about you… then they’re not worth knowing, are they?” 

“You’re right!”  Danny got up suddenly and went over to the girls, the gang watching on surprised at the suddenness of his actions.  

“Oh god I hope this goes well.”  Rae whispered, her hand going up to her mouth in nervousness for her friend.  They watched him say a few words to one of the girls, both of them laughing.  There was a collective intake of air for the gang as they worried about what kind of laugh that was… and they slowly exhaled as Danny said something else and both laughed again, the one closer to him turning her body to allow him into the conversation. 

“Fuck I wish I’d known his pickup lines a year ago!”  Chop shook his head as the two girls burst out into laughter again, both of them leaning in closer.  “Look at that little fucker go!” 

“He’s not using a pickup line.”  Rhys said with an appreciative nod of the head.  Chop turned to him, “Look at his body language, he went over there to make friends, not get laid.” 

“Well whatever he’s doing, it fucking works.”  Chop shook his head in amazement as the girls laughed loudly again, the one closest to him putting her hand on his arm and saying something back to him that made him laugh too.  “I don’t think he needs a wingman!”  Chop shook his head and felt his mood deflate; he’d been looking forward to helping Danny out tonight.  He looked around the table, his eyes stopping on Finn.  “How’s it goin’ with your mum?”  He asked in what he thought was a delicate voice.  Archie took a hissing breath and held it, his eyes open in shock and warning at Chop to shut the fuck up.  Rae gave Chop a dirty look, clearly unable to believe that he was so stupid as to ask that.  Finn turned his eyes to Rae for a moment.  She was the only one that could have told them.

“I talked to me mate about something that was worrying me?”  She said in an attempt at an apology and Finn nodded slowly.  Everyone else in the gang realised that this was not a light topic and tried to not stare at Finn, looking down at their drinks, except for Rhys, who cocked his head to the side and watched Finn closely.  Finn had been sent to boxing to deal with the anger he had felt as a ten year old when his mother had abandoned him.  In essence this event had shaped his whole life, had set him on the path he was now on.  To have her return would be an extremely unsettling event. 

“She makes you question where you are in life.”  Rhys said softly, “you wonder where you would have been if she had never left.”  Finn nodded sadly.

“I can’t help but wonder.”  Rae lowered her eyes as Finn spoke, “but then I really liked me life before she came back… now it’s… awkward.”  He said after some thought.  “And sometimes she tries to…”  He shook his head, “Be my mum.”  He sighed, “Before she returned, I would’ve given almost anything to have a mum… but now when she tries to be me mum…”

“You don’t know how to take it?”  Izzy asked sympathetically.  He nodded.

“And me dad’s bang up on us having heaps o’ family time to try and mend.  So she’s over every night for few hours afore she heads back to the hotel…”  He sucked his bottom lip, “And no one talks about…”

“Why she left.”  Archie reached out and took Finn’s hand momentarily, squeezing it before letting go. 

“Is that what happens now?”  Finn asked with a scrunched up nose, “Is this our lives now…?”  He lit another cigarette, Rae had noticed that he’d been smoking more since Kenzie had returned.  “Do we just pretend the last eight fucking years never happened, and she comes back to teach me about me Scottish heritage and try to ask me dad’s permission to give me fucking curfews?” 

“Oh Jesus.”  Chloe shook her head. 

“I know it’s hard for her too, but…” He bit the inside of his cheek.  “I dunno.”  He had wanted her to come back and for them to slip into being a happy family, on some level he had wanted that; he had wanted a mother.  But having a mum was really annoying.  She was always worrying about what he was eating and the bruises he sometimes picked up in boxing and if he was warm enough, and just everything… it was a constant stream of trying to deal with her concerns for him. 

“She’s probably trying to make up for lost time.”  Izzy tried to soothe.

“I suppose.”  Finn answered morosely, clearly not wanting to talk about this; his head was all fuzzy on this topic. 

“Am I the only one here that didn’t know his mum had been gone for eight years?”  Tom asked in a self-depreciating tone to lighten the mood.

“I knew she were gone but I didn’t know it were for that long.”  Izzy said, “Or that she were back.”

“Same.”  Chloe added.

“I had no clue either.”  Chop shook his head, happy someone else hadn’t known.  Rhys kept his eyes on Finn, understanding better than anyone here how something like this could shake Finn to the core; he had known firsthand how her loss and continued absence had affected Finn. 

“I’ll drive you out to practice at Gus’ place next Saturday Finn.”  Rhys said firmly and Finn nodded, understanding that voice too well to bother protesting. 

“Anyway.”  Tom again sought to lighten the mood, “In an attempt to make the conversation 1, more comfortable for me and 2, all about me; I’d like to show you all the good work my dentist did on the tooth Rhys knocked out of my head!”  He opened his mouth wide, deliberately putting on the least attractive face he could, making everyone start to giggle as they peered into his mouth.

“Can’t even tell you was missing one.”  Finn turned to Archie, “Reckon you’ll get yours fixed?”

“Not a fucking chance!”  Archie answered firmly, his tongue going to the hole at the very back of his teeth.  “I earned that lost tooth!”  Archie reminisced about the AFL match in his mind.  “Can’t believe you’re getting another go.”  He shook his head, “Getting rewarded for fucking failing that is.”  Finn shrugged with a cheeky grin. 

“’Ere, don’t you reckon having Lego body parts, would make life easier?”  Izzy suddenly asked, “Like you could just pop your teeth out afore you went on the field or afore a fight...”

“It’d be fucking cheaper.”  Tom laughed. 

“I’d take me bottom arm off when I’m spooning.”  Chloe said.

“Oh fuck yes!”  Rae said, “Gets in the way and it goes fucking dead.” 

“I’m not gonna lie, but there’s times I’d pop me dick and balls off.”  Chop ran with the idea.

“Sometimes they just get in the way.”  Archie agreed.

“Tits when I’m running.”  Rae said, “Right off.  It’d be bliss.”

“Tits when training!”  Chloe agreed.  “And hair when you’re sleeping or swimming.”

“I’m so sick o’ waking up thinking I’m being suffocated by Cousin It.”  Rae agreed. 

“Your tongue just after you’ve bitten it.”  Izzy said with a sage nod.

“Any injured part!”  Chop agreed.

“Me fuckin’ uterus once a month!”  Rae said and Izzy and Chloe groaned in agreement.  Rae grinned thinking about her little IUD friend that was gonna make her period free for the next 5 years.

“I think it’s agreed Izzy, this is a brilliant idea!”  Archie said.

“Aye!”  Rae agreed, “Why isn’t it so?

“Make it so Izzy!”  Chloe backed Rae

“Alright!”  She laughed, “I wouldn’t o’ minded Rhys being able to take his cock off Lego style when I were trying to measure his fucking in-seam!”  Izzy laughed, Chloe and then Rae joining in.  Rhys opened his mouth in surprise and then started to chuckle.

“OH!”  Chop laughed loudly, “Something finally got under Rhys’s fucking skin!” 

“I saw it too!”  Finn backed him up. 

“I freely admit it!”  Rhys laughed, “I’m still not accustomed to how open you all are about this kind of thing.” 

“Ah, it’s no news to them, I already told them ages ago.”  She shrugged and he shook his head and laughed, slightly embarrassed.

“What the fuck are you embarrassed about?”  Chop said, “From what I hear, you got like a ten incher or something!”  He laughed, making a joke, not expecting it to be true.  Rhys lowered his eyes and Tom chuckled dirtily. 

“Ten inches is like the length of your forearm.”  Archie shook his head to indicate this was not a possibility.  Chloe held up her arm and looked at her forearm and shrugged.

“Yeah about that.”  She said with a shrug.  “Maybe a tiny bit less?”

“Holy shit!”  Chop’s jaw dropped as the girls cackled happily at the boys, all in stunned contemplation.

“You fucking deep throated that?”  Archie turned to Tom, Rhys kept his head down, as Izzy and Rae’s jaws dropped, their eyes turning from Tom to Chloe and back.

“Yes I did.”  Tom said proudly.  “Dislocated my jaw the first time.”  This was met by loud groans of sympathetic pain all round, but loudest from the girls.  “It’s fair to say I’m the gayest man in the world.”  Tom grinned, clearly proud of the accomplishment it was to get Rhys’s cock down.  Chloe looked at Rhys and saw his demeanour.

“You alright?”  She asked him softly and he nodded slowly.  “I’m sorry.”  She fretted slightly and he shook his head.

“It’s the way this group of friends are.”  He said slightly stiffly.  “I chose to be here.”  He laughed suddenly.  “Oh for fuck’s sake.”  He said loudly, “It’s not that fucking exciting.”  He told them.

“And I’ve seen bigger.”  Tom shrugged.

“Serious?”  Finn asked Tom with a look of horror before he looked down at his own forearm.

“You get much bigger you’d fucking pass out getting a boner!”  Chop laughed. 

“How many guys have you seen with cocks like that?”  Archie asked and Tom shrugged.

“Just two.  There’s not many guys like that.  I think it’s something like only 1 man in every 3.5 million men are 10 inches or bigger.”

“Wow.”  Izzy’s eyes were still wide with surprise, she looked at her forearm, “Sorry Rhys, but I’d never want something that big in me!”  She looked at Chloe, “How d’you do it?”  Chloe shrugged.

“He takes care o’ me.”  Chloe smiled smugly. 

“For the rest of us.”  Tom said magnanimously, “The average length is about five and a half inches.”  He looked at them all with a grin, “I hope that makes you all feel better.”  Rae looked at Finn and narrowed her eyes.  Tom saw her and started to chuckled, “I get the feeling there’ll be a whole lot o’ measuring happening tonight.” 

“Fuck no!”  Chop said, “I don’t wanna fucking know.”  He shook his head, “I got enough things to worry about, without worrying if I measure up.”  He pointed at Izzy, “If it makes her cum it’s fine.” 

“That’s the best attitude.”  Rhys said, “Size is no guarantee of making your partner scream.”  He grinned cheekily.  He shook his head as he saw Izzy still looking at her forearm in horror. 

“True, but you know me Rhys!”  Tom grinned, “I like ‘em big.  And even then, seven to eight inches is my favourite length.”  Tom declared, “Not too big to wreck you, but big enough to make you work for it.  Still does a bit o’ damage if wielded right…”  Archie blushed slightly and looked away. 

“Oh hey Danny’s still getting on great with those girls.”  He said, his voice slightly higher than usual.  Tom laughed, delighted by Archie’s response. 

“Oh aye?”  Finn asked and turned his face towards the bar where Danny and the two girls were chatting happily. 

“He’s a natural.”  Chloe watched Danny as a tall Asian man walking past did a double take at Rhys. 

“Rhys?”  He asked and then took in the rest of the group.  He cocked an eyebrow at Rhys, clearly confused, “You missed Nikki’s poetry session tonight.”  He said, “It was amazing.”  There was a mild accusatory undertone in his voice. 

“Yeah but I had this planned.”  Rhys said and then introduced everyone to Jae, ending with Chloe, his girlfriend.  Jae smiled tightly.

“Her poem was about the struggles of a Muslim woman in the UK.”  Jae said, “You would have liked it.”  His eyes took in the group again.

“Is she doing a repeat performance?”  Rhys asked hopefully.

“Yeah next Saturday.”  Jae answered.

“Shit, I’m busy.”

“Right.”  Jae said slowly.  “Well it’s at 6pm.” 

“I’ll try and get there.”

“Well I hope you’ll bring Chloe along.  We’re all dying to properly meet her.”  He grinned more warmly at Chloe and then motioned towards the bar, “I work here now, gotta go.”

“Alright.”  Rhys watched him go with a slightly pensive look on his face.

“Been neglecting your mates now you got a girl?”  Chop asked sagely. 

“Yes.”  Rhys answered, “I have been neglecting my friends lately.  But this is not Chloe’s fault.”  Chloe still gave Rhys a worried look; she already knew that she wasn’t going to fit in with them.  He hadn’t said anything, but when he described them to her, it sounded like she was just going to be hopelessly inept and inarticulate and unknowledgeable.  Rhys had reassured her that it would be fine, but she worried. 

“Maybe we could all go to the poetry reading?”  Rae asked in an attempt of support, Rhys looked almost startled by the idea before laughing.

“Sure, if you want!” 

“What’s funny about it?”  Rae asked.

“Nikki’s last poem was called ‘White Devils Fist Fucking the Corpses of my Sisters.’”

“Wow.”  Rae said with wide opened eyes. 

“It was a scathing attack on misogynistic, white supremacist ideologies in mainstream UK politics juxtaposed against the London dating scene.”  Rae nodded as if she understood all of that.

“Alright.”  She said awkwardly trying to sound excited, “Sounds good!”

“I’m keen!”  Izzy grinned, “Even though I didn’t really understand what you just said.”  Chloe realised suddenly that she did understand what Rhys had just said and felt an upsurge of pride; she was getting somewhere with all the reading.  It wasn’t just the words she understood, but also why that poem would have worked; she had an idea of the issues that would have been in it. 

“Alright.”  Rhys shook his head, “I’ll take you all along if I can find the time in my schedule.” 

Danny wandered over as the gang changed topic to the new regional football team that Macca was getting going, Chop and Finn trying to convince Rhys to come and play with them, Finn realising that his sessions with Gus and Petra would conflict with the matches and organising with Rhys to change his training times when the season began. 

“Did you get some phone numbers lad?”  Chop asked excitedly and Danny looked at him perplexed. 

“No.”  He answered easily, “Why would I?”

“So you can get to know ‘em better.”  Rae backed Chop up.

“Oh.”  Danny considered this for a moment and shrugged, “I’m sure I’ll see them again some time.” 

“You gotta be more proactive Danny.”  Chop told him.  “Get phone numbers, go out on dates…” He saw Danny’s happy face looking at him passively.

“I suppose.”  He answered in his usual happy voice, “But making new friends is just as important.”  He said sagely. 

“Yeah but what about a girlfriend?”  Chop asked.

“Like Rae and Izzy and Chloe…?”

“Like a girl you give kisses and have sex with.”  Chop answered, “When I say girlfriend I mean a girl you snog.”  Chop said and then remembered Danny’s own words, “I mean a romantic partner.” 

“I’m sorry, but the name girlfriend isn’t very apt.”  Danny shrugged. 

“I s’pose not.”  Chop answered.  “But that’s what I mean anyway, alright?” 

“Alright.”  Danny agreed.

“So if you want one of those girls to be your girlfriend, you gotta get her phone number.”  Danny considered this for a moment. 

“Neither of them like ducks.”  He answered as if that were answer enough.  And for Chop, it was.  He nodded.

“Well, onto the next then, lad!” 

 

 

Danny had left the pub an hour later with a phone number scrawled on the back of his hand, a goofy grin on his face and Chop’s words of encouragement in his ears.  The rest of the gang would stay and drink for a couple more hours, Izzy bowing out of the drinking early and switching to water as her oncologist had told her to do, Chop joining her, both silently making the change without telling the rest of the gang. 

Danny walked home happily, thinking about maybe kissing a girl and how nice that might be.  He had kissed girls gently – pecked them.  But not the kind of kissing he’d seen the rest of his friends all do.  He wasn’t sure if he wanted to do it or not, even though he thought it might be nice.  He’d have to talk about this with Chop; he’d know what to do about it.  This wasn’t like Rae not knowing how to get a boy’s attention, he understood that, he knew all about boys; he was a boy.  But he didn’t know all about girls, or kissing or sex.  And while he was curious, he wasn’t entirely sure if he did want to know all about sex. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Hallelujah’ by Jeff Buckley _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIF4_Sm-rgQ>

 

It was a grey morning, rain hung in the air like mist, distant thunder rumbling through his chest.  Finn always hated it when he felt the thunder like this; it gave him a sense of foreboding. 

And really, everything felt like it was on the edge of a knife.  He didn’t understand why he felt like this.  Maybe it was the dark gravestones moving towards him through the still air, as if he were motionless, and the world was moving beneath his feet, despite his best efforts to stay still; he was happy now, he didn’t want anything to change, he was almost afraid to do anything should he change his life now. 

The thunder rumbled through his chest again and he frowned glumly.  He just wanted his life to stay the way it was.  His friends were happy, he and Rae were happy.  But up ahead he saw her light brown hair, raindrops clinging to it, leading him deeper into the graveyard.  Everything was changing. 

His mind kept returning to this exact same journey 13 years previously.  Tiny flashes of memory.  Her hair, resting against the black material of her dress.  Following behind her; her eyes never meeting his, her eyes barely seeking him out at all.  Feeling scared and alone.  And wondering what had happened to Grace. 

Where was his sister?

Her hands folded before her, her eyes downcast, her head bowed.  He remembered all of this, and now she walked ahead of him, in the same manner.  Although perhaps her hair was longer now than it had been then; his memory was not willing to make that clear to him.  His memory would stab him painfully with some emotions from that day; the way it felt that his mother wouldn’t look at him while she cried.  The fear he felt as his father wept, tightly holding his hand.  His memory gave him vivid images like the coffin slowly entering the ground.  The distance in his mother’s eyes, how bright the day was.  But it wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to know; the small detail he was focussing on to take his mind off his sense of foreboding.  Was her hair longer now than it had been? 

He remembered as a child loving to touch her hair, to play with it.  He remembered wanting to reach out as a child on that day, to stroke her hair.  He felt that had he been tall enough to just touch her hair gently, she’d know that everything was alright, and she’d look at him again.

Was it longer now?

Probably. 

He just wished he could remember properly. 

Finn felt his fingers twitch and reached out to her as she walked before him, wanting to touch her hair.  His fingers stretched out and almost made contact with her damp strands.  But he closed his hand and pulled away; he barely knew this woman.  He couldn’t stroke her hair and tell her it was alright like he’d wanted to when he was five years old.  He couldn’t make her look at him.

Even now, she’d look at him for a moment and then look away.  As if it hurt her eyes to see him. 

But part of him couldn’t stop thinking that if he hugged her, stroked her hair and told her it was going to be alright, that somehow, she’d start looking at him again.  Finn felt lost like that five year old 13 years ago, following his mother to a gravesite, his father behind him, silently never taking his eyes off him. 

She got to the grave and paused, unable to go any further.  Finn stood beside her for a moment and saw her wringing her hands slightly, tears on her cheeks.

“Mum?”  He said softly. 

“I haven’t been back here since…”  Her eyes never left the tombstone as her voice cracked painfully and Finn looked back at the grave.  He took her hand and gently lead her towards Grace’s grave. 

As soon as she was close enough she fell to her knees, her fingers reaching out to touch the stone. 

“Oh mo leanaban nighean.”  She whispered.  Finn bit the inside of his cheek and watched her gently stroke the gravestone, her other hand going to the grass over where her coffin must lay in the earth.  “I’m sorry I haven’t visited Gracie.”  She whispered through her tears.  “I was lost.”  She kissed the grass and touched the fresh flowers gently.  “Still am a bit.”  Finn watched her rearrange the flowers gently. 

“Your friend has flowers sent to her grave every month.”  Finn said as he crouched down beside her.

“I asked her to.”  Kenzie said without looking at him, “I had her keep a bit of an eye on you.”  She stroked the grass sadly, “Nothing serious, just making sure you weren’t getting yourself in any trouble.” 

“Then you’ve heard all the gory details.”  Finn tried to break the tension but she just kept looking at the gravestone.  He watched her stroke the grass, almost as if in a trance. 

“I’ve made so many mistakes.  And I’ve been very unwell.”  She said after a long pause.  Finn nodded, thinking of how many times Rae had said those words to him ‘your mother was unwell.’ 

“Aye?”  Finn answered, not knowing what to say, not even sure that he was needed here.  He looked at his mother, an ache settling in his stomach as he followed her eyes to Grace’s headstone.  “I only just found out about her.”  He tried to bridge the gulf between them.  “Da decided-”

“I know.”  She said tersely.  “We disagreed on that.”  He saw her chin square and realised her had chosen the wrong thing to talk about, “You should have been allowed to remember her.”  Finn didn’t know how he felt about that.  There had been something very free about his life growing up that was lacking now.  Grace’s death was a constant pain in his soul, even though it happened so long ago and he barely knew his sister or remembered any of this.  But had he remembered her, perhaps he would not have this guilt.  This constant nagging question of how could he have forgotten her.  He let his knees drop to the grass and very quickly felt moisture seep through the material. 

He felt that thunder again, but this time the sense of foreboding choked his throat as he watched his mother gently stroke the grass above his dead sister’s grave and whisper to her in Scots Gaelic.  He lowered his eyes from her face and tried to repress all the hopes he’d had.  He looked up at Grace’s grave again, and waited in silence for her to tell him why she had even bothered to bring him along.  After nearly ten minutes, Finn’s fist were clenched in his pockets and his knees hurt from kneeling, but still he stayed.  He had to. 

“Grace was a quiet baby.”  Finn looked over at her.  “I wanted you to know about her.”  She said, “But… when I got here.”  She had felt hysteria building up in her chest.  So she had calmed herself, speaking to Gracie, feeling the earth beneath her hands to keep her in the here and now so the panic wouldn’t take her.  “Well I just needed to have a chat with her.”  She said with a sad smile.  Finn heard the lie.  He was getting adept at hearing lies, but he let her have her own thoughts and simply nodded.  “Your baby sister used to look up at you like you were an angel.  And every time she heard your voice she would settle down.”  Kenzie smiled sadly and Finn felt tears come to his eyes, “When I couldn’t get her to stop crying, I used to make you come into her room, even if you were playing, so she could hear you.”  Kenzie touched his arm and Finn took his hand out of his pocket and held her hand.  “Your father and I both used to comment on how much she loved you.  And you loved her Finn.”  She said in a low voice.  Finn felt his breath catch, “You used to dote on her.  You wanted to play with her and pick her up.  You used to tell us how it was your job to look after her.”  Finn let out a silent sob.  Kenzie, still looking at the grave, didn’t see how her son was affected.  “You should not have had those memories taken from you.”  She shook her head, “I let you down, I should have fought harder.” 

“It’s alright.”  Finn tried to comfort her, his throat thick with emotion.  But she shook her head again.

“You two would giggle.  Even though she was just a baby; you could get her giggling.  And I always knew that I’d have to watch you two as you grew up, because you’d be little devils together.”  She sniffed and wiped her face, “I’m sure all of this is strange for you… thinking of the relationship you had with someone you don’t remember.  But it matters.”

“Aye it does.”  He said honestly.  “But I understand me da’s motives.”  He added and she nodded.

“Me too.”  She sighed, “Now.”   She added, “I didn’t back then.  And I still believe it was the wrong thing to do.”  She squeezed his hand tightly, “But that’s life.  We all make mistakes, and your father and I are only human.” 

“I know.”  Kenzie let his hand drop and put both of her hands on the headstone.

“She’d be 13 now, nearly 14.”  She said sadly, “School.  Boys.  Growing up.”  Kenzie shook her head, “A lifetime of options and chances and opportunities…” She swallowed her tears, “Gone.”  Finn looked at the side of her face.  He felt like he knew the way the side of her face looked infinitely better than the front view of her face.  He felt a question burning in his chest as lightning lit up the sky.  He sucked his bottom lip to hold it in and tried to be her silent son; what she seemed to need.  Finn let his mind wonder over the photographs his father had saved, images of Finn and Gracie together, of their family together.

The thunder grumbled louder this time, crashing violently at the end as Finn acknowledged, that in spite of how much he cared for Janice, he had desperately hoped, wanted, for this family to be like they were in those pictures.  He wanted to reach out to her again, the five year old in him wanted his mother so badly.  But there was so much between them now.  So much that might never heal. 

Some things are never able to heal.

Watching his mother at Grace’s grave had driven this point home brutally; there was a hollowness in his chest.  It would always be Gracie.  Finn felt that even though he was alive and here and needing her, it would never be enough to get her love.  That was all for Gracie now.  Not that he begrudged Gracie that.  It just filled him with a grief he could barely penetrate. 

Lightning lit up the sky and thunder cracked loudly; a storm would eventually come and drench the graveyard. 

Finn ached to just be at home, in bed, naked, his arms wrapped around Rae, listening to the rain dancing against the window pane.  The wind picked up slightly and he knew they had to go soon to miss the storm.  This chance at bonding with her was gone.  There wasn’t going to be any bonding.  It was all going to be awkward, forced family dinners, his father desperately trying to make conversation while his mother wouldn’t even look at him. 

“Do you still blame me?”  He hadn’t even realised he was going to ask this question, even though it had been burning in his chest, he had not wanted to speak these words; he was so scared of the answer that he nearly got up and left before she had chance to answer. 

“What?”  She looked up at him, desperate sorrow in her eyes.

“For her death.”  She looked away so Finn pressed her, “Do you still blame me for Grace’s death?”

“He told you that?”  Her voice was choked with emotion.

“I found the letter.” 

“Oh God.”  The internal strength that had been holding her upright seemed to collapse and she put her hands over her face as she sunk down to the ground, her forehead hitting the grass as she wept.  “I’m sorry.”  She wept.  “You should never have… seen that…”  She tried to say it through the sobs.  Finn felt tears on his cheeks and did nothing to hide or mitigate them, he left her a moment of silence, waiting for her to tell him that she didn’t blame him anymore.  But she said nothing.  Finn felt the question burning him.  He had to know.  Even if the answer would destroy him.

“Do you still blame me mum?”  Finn asked desperately. 

“No!”  She wept, “No, my boy.”  She reached for him and he grabbed her, nearly falling into her arms like a child.  She put her arms around him fiercely, holding him to her like her life depended on it.  All Finn could do was weep and hold on to her tightly, “Why would you think I do?”

“You won’t look at me ma.”  Finn cried, “Just like you didn’t after… after she died.”

“Oh Finn.”  She sniffed and took his head between her hands.  “That’s not you my son.”  She told him, looking him in the eye, “That’s my shame and guilt… I don’t deserve to be lookin’ at you.”  She pulled his head to her chest and held her to him like he was a child, her heartbeat calming his tears.  She stroked his hair slowly and rocked him gently.  “I know you’ve got so much to hold against me.”  She whispered, “Rightly so.”  She kissed his forehead and Finn felt his fingers curling around the material in her dress sleave; he felt himself clinging to her.  “But I will make it up to you.  I promise.”  He felt one of her tears hit his face, “Just give me a chance.  Please Finn.” 

The misty rain started to take form and patter slowly all around them. 

“Alright.”  He whispered.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Liar’ by Rollins Band _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaysTVcounI>

 

Lightning lit up her room as rain started to pelt the window.  Rae usually loved a good summer or autumn storm but right now she was in no mood for just about anything.

Rae was in a slightly cranky mood.  She had very little time with Finn this weekend and she realised that she was very selfish with his time; she wanted it all to herself. 

But at the same time she knew it was the right thing to do when she had encouraged him to go with his mother to visit Grace’s grave.  He needed time with her and his family to try and bond and heal; she understood that.  And it gave her time to knock out some homework.  Grumpily. 

She worked solidly for half an hour before she decided to make herself a cup of tea. 

When she meandered into the kitchen her mother was playing with Aiesha quietly.

“Hiya.”  She kissed Aiesha in the forehead and immediately she grabbed Rae’s hair.  In her grumpy mood Rae struggled to not loudly complain about her baby sister.  She managed to prise Aiesha’s tiny fist open and free her hair.  She kissed her mum too.  They had been getting on lately, and Rae preferred to not rock the boat now that things were going well.  Rae strongly suspected it was the drugs the doctor had her on for the post natal depression.  They had changed them recently and Linda was much happier and agreeable.  Karim seemed to fret about this, but as far as Rae was concerned, her mother cooing happily at Aiesha and agreeing to all of Rae’s ideas was perfect. 

“Letter came for you yesterday pet.”  Linda said in a happy sing-song voice.  Rae furrowed her brows momentarily; Karim was onto something when he said she was too happy sometimes.  She made herself the tea and picked up the letter that Linda had gotten up to bring through to her without comment, and headed back up to her room. 

She sipped her tea and absent-mindedly opened the letter, opening it up and nearly choking on her tea when she skipped to the bottom to see who it was from.  She put her tea down and shook her head in bewilderment as she started to read the letter.

_Dearest Rachel_

_I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your letter.  At first I wasn’t going to, thinking you of an age where you can make your own decisions and deciding that if you do not wish me in your life then that is your choice.  But I have thought about this and feel that perhaps it was not a decision you made, but a reaction to me letting you down._

_I know that you are upset that I went away when I was supposed to be seeing you.  But allow me to explain.  I am an antiques dealer.  This means I must travel a lot in order to find appropriate items for my store.  And even though I would like to continue to have contact with you, I will always have these little business sojourns that will, on occasion, take me away from Stamford._

_Rachel, you are my daughter, and I would like for you to stay in contact with me please.  There is a lot I can offer you, including further driving instructions and perhaps even some work experience in my store on weekends.  Let’s try to have a decent relationship, I am sure we can manage that._

_Please consider my request._

_Your loving father,_

_Victor._

Rae put the letter down and stared at the wall for a moment.  She noticed that he still hadn’t given her his home number.  She noticed a lot about that letter.  But more than anything she felt the need to see him again.  She wanted him to explain why he had left.  She wanted him to tell her why he hadn’t tried to contact her all these years.  She wanted the chance to bond with him, just as Finn was getting that chance with his mother.  Even though she had Karim and appreciated him immensely, Rae was still curious about Victor.  She put the letter aside, knowing that he was not a very nice person.  Knowing he was a liar and a manipulator.  Knowing he was no good.  But still having the urge to see him.  She thought of the nasty things Victor had said about her mum; how did he have the right to judge the woman that had stuck around for Rae when he had abandoned them both? 

“I am not going to go and see him.”  She shook he head and tore the letter in half, an urge to walk to his place gnawing at the pit of her stomach. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Big Long Now’ by Nirvana _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djMThgIVqxI>

 

Rae decided to walk to Finn’s place now that this morning’s storm had passed and the sun was peeking out from the ragged clouds.  He’d be cranky that she wondered around alone, but she had to get out of her room.  The torn up pieces of the letter were getting to her and she really wanted to see him.  She supposed he’d be back from the cemetery by now.  How long could it take?  And she really wanted to get some time in before his parents dragged them both out to the flea markets this afternoon.  She needed some hugs.  And sex.  She needed sex too. 

Linda gave her a cheery wave goodbye and Rae felt herself agreeing more with Karim again as she left the house. 

When she arrived at Finn’s house, it was Kenzie that opened the door.  She smiled slightly and let Rae in. 

“Finn’s just gone to the store to pick up some groceries.”  She said, “And Gary is at work this morning.” 

“Oh right?”  Rae said as happily as she could muster.  “How’s everything?”  She tried to make small talk and wondered if Kenzie would let her just wait in Finn’s room. 

“Difficult.”  Kenzie said as she sat down on the lounge, “But I suspect you are more than smart enough to know that.” 

“I s’pose.”  Rae said and sat in Janice’s chair.  She noticed that Kenzie sat where her and Finn usually sat; right in the middle of the lounge.  There was a silence as Rae struggled to think of what to say.  “So um… are you keen for the flea markets this after?”  Rae asked with a pleasant grin. 

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that Rae.”  Kenzie said with downcast eyes.  Rae could tell she was struggling internally with what she was about to say. “I know…”  She stopped and shook her head before looking back up at Rae.  “This outing is for family Rae.”  Kenzie tried to sound firmer than she felt.  Rae felt her jaw wanting to drop in surprise but she kept is closed, only her repeated blinking gave away how surprised and upset this has made her.  “I’m sorry!”  Kenzie said genuinely worried she was hurting Rae; it was not her intention, “I know you feel like you’re family.  But you’re not.”  Rae’s mouth opened slightly as she took this in, her whole body feeling swollen and jittery.  “You’re just his girlfriend.  And… and I don’t mean that as an insult, I’m sure you’re very lovely… It’s just…” She lowered her eyes and clasped her hands together tightly, “We’ve been apart for a very long time, and-”

“You need to bond.”  Rae interrupted more brusquely than she had intended, “I get it.”  She tried to soften her tone because she did understand the need for them to have time together; that’s why she had encouraged Finn to go to the graveyard with her.  “So I’ll play along with this one.  I’ve got a friend who’s running a fundraising stall, I can help her out.”  Rae said, the true level of rejection sinking in.  Kenzie didn’t even want to try to get to know her.  She just saw Rae as something in the way of her and her son bonding.  She tried to think about Finn and what Finn wanted and needed.  “But let me give you some advice, just cos I want Finn to have his happy family fantasy.”  Rae gathered her thoughts for a moment, “if you ever say to Finn, that I’m not family, he will argue with you.”  Rae said slowly, “And he is very stubborn.”  Kenzie looked at Rae for a moment and then lowered her eyes.

“I know I’m coming on a bit strong Rachel.”  Kenzie said looking her in the eye, “But he’s my son.” 

“I know.”  Rae answered, “And whether you like it or not, I’m his girlfriend.” 

“And girlfriends come and go.”  Kenzie’s eyes dropped to the necklace around Rae’s neck and shook her head, “I’m sorry.  That was much harsher than I intended.”  Rae saw her clasped hands shaking and thought she was starting to understand Kenzie a little.  She got up and paced the room, her hands coming together in front of her, wringing slightly.  Rae worried for her, the way her brow furrowed, the nervous movement of her hands.  Kenzie’s anxiety levels were clearly not alright. 

“I just don’t know where I fit into all of this… into their lives.”  Kenzie looked back at Rae with an apologetic look.  “I don’t mean to…”  She sighed and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out.  “I know you might not have the best impression of me.”  She said sadly, “But regardless of the years I’ve spent away from Finn… regardless of his age.”  She fixed Rae with an unwavering stare that Rae felt was nine parts false bravado, aimed at hiding her anxiety, “He’s still my baby.  And I want what’s best for him.”  Rae nodded slowly, trying to take in everything that she’d said.

“Right well, I get that.”  Rae said slowly, “But regardless of your feelings, you need to take into consideration those eight years you was gone, and Finn’s age.”  Rae saw her eyes drop, the wringing of the hands again, but she pressed on, “Cos they mean something.  And you’ve got a lot of explaining to do about where the hell you’ve been and why you didn’t come back.”  Rae watched Kenzie’s eyebrows furrow, saw the tear drop from her eyes before she turned away to cover her emotion.  She faltered for a moment, but she knew Finn’s mum needed to hear this, “Cos it really matters.  And these daft Nelson men are just being too polite to ask.”

“If I were them…” Kenzie’s throat was choked by emotion.  She stopped and shook her head slowly, unable to finish the sentence.

“Exactly.”  Rae said, knowing what Kenzie was thinking.  “You wanna heal this family, all three o’ you gotta talk.” 

“I know.”  Kenzie replied not turning around, “Which is why you need to not be around so much.”  She turned back to Rae, “I’m sorry.” 

“You think I’ll stop you healing and bonding?”  Rae asked.

“I know you will.”  Kenzie said, “When you’re around, all Finn thinks about is you.”  Kenzie shook her head sadly, “I don’t want him to be miserable, so by all means, please come around at appropriate times.  But some things are for family.”  She said firmly. 

“Well you can tell Finn that yourself.”  Rae said as she stood up.  Kenzie nodded slowly.

“I thought you might say that.”  Kenzie said, “But I hope you meant it when you said you’d like for Finn to have his happy family fantasy.”

“Aye I did.”  Rae said guardedly.

“Rachel, I swear to you that this is nothing against you personally… but… But if you did mean it… and if you love Finn… you’ll give him time with his family.”  Kenzie took a step towards Rae, “I’m sorry.”  She said softly, “But you must know deep down inside that he needs this.”  Rae felt tears stinging at her eyes.

“I s’pose.”  She whispered. 

“Ok.”  Kenzie replied, taking a deep breath, “Well,” She looked at Rae apologetically, “Finn and I need some time today, so you need to go now.”  Rae lowered her eyes and nodded.  She turned towards the door.  “I’ll tell him you stopped by.”  Kenzie said, “And I’m sure we can organise some time for you to spend together tomorrow.”  Rae heard that tone of kindness and sympathy in Kenzie’s voice and felt her teeth grit.  She walked towards the door and left without another word.  Kenzie watched her leave and put a hand up over her mouth, feeling the tears coming to her eyes.  She didn’t want to hurt Rae at all; she hated that she had.  But she needed to focus on Finn. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Little Things’ by Bush _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9fZrMIJLXY>

 

Finn kept his head down, his fists balled into his pockets.  He was feeling quite grumpy; Rae was supposed to have spent this afternoon with him, but his mum said something about Rae understanding how important their family time was.  Finn had stopped himself from saying anything to his mum, instead going up to his room to call Rae.  But she hadn’t been there; the phone had rung out.  He knew Linda had therapy right about now, so he knew that if she was at home, she’d be there alone.  She was still a little anxious about being there alone.  He considered going round there, but realised there was no guarantee she was there.  If she really had decided to leave him to his parents today, she could be anywhere.  He rung Archie and then Chloe, knowing that these two were his best bet but he came up empty handed. 

The afternoon had dragged, and at one point Finn had almost fallen asleep at the kitchen table.  They had been reminiscing, talking about the past; like they always did.  It had been a week of talking about the past.  Finn wanted to ask them what about now?  What are they doing now?  what happens from here?  But both of his parents were carefully dancing around the topic.  In between not addressing the big topic.  The elephant in the room.  Finn wondered if he should just ask her that too.  It had worked for Gracie’s death.  He had heard what he had so desperately needed to hear from her.  He felt like he was healing slowly.  So maybe he should just ask why she had stayed away so long.  He had learned from being with Rae that it was better to speak, better to be honest and brave.  But then, his parents weren’t Rae, and maybe it was better to be like his father this time; reserved, repressing…

He didn’t know what to do or what to feel. 

So he walked through the flea market with his parents, his fists balled in his pockets, his head down.  His whole being wishing Rae was here.  It felt wrong that she wasn’t. 

“You seem a bit grumpy Finn?”  His dad asked and Finn shrugged.

“S’pose.”  He mumbled.  His father’s follow up question was stopped by a woman approaching them.  She wore knee high boots and a fitted red dress on her ample figure with a very pleasant amount of cleavage showing. 

“Asking for donations for reparations to the theatre at the arts centre.”  Finn looked up and saw Elsa with a tin cup.

“Didn’t take you for the begging type.”  Finn said with a mild hint at suggestion.

“You’d be surprised.”  Elsa replied with a gorgeous smile, “if it’s worth begging for, I can be moved to kneel.”  She said it with no hint of suggestiveness, no flirting at all.  But nonetheless Gary’s eyes widened slightly; this woman was incredible, and his son was chuckling easily, as if unaffected by her.  Finn pulled his wallet out and put twenty quid in the tin cup, seeing that almost all of her donations were twenty and fifty quid notes.  He shook his head.  Of course she’d do well at something like this. 

“So what needs to be done?”  Finn asked her.

“When we got the deal to run the classes there, the theatre had to be inspected for safety to minors.  Closer inspection showed the wiring of the lights to be not up to current safety standards, the whole electrical system is being re-done as we speak.  But the cost of that is going to be more than the theatre’s budget.”  Elsa said, “The arts centre makes lots o’ money now, thanks to Janice.”  She said, “But the theatre’s been mothballed for years… and it has a separate budget to the art gallery section.  So it needs your help.”  Again with that smile, “The best help you can give is by being a paying theatre goer when the season of shows we’ve got planned start up in late October.” 

“You’ve got the whole speech worked out, haven’t you?”  Finn shook his head and Elsa grinned again.

“I’ve already made a couple o’ thousand quid.”  She said happily, “For some reason, people are feeling very generous today.” 

“I think you’ll find heterosexual men are feeling generous today Elsa.”  Finn laughed, “What d’you say dad?  Wanna save our theatre?  I’ll be doing me performing arts class there on Fridays.” 

“Oh… sure…”  Gary stuttered slightly and pulled out his wallet, Kenzie’s eyes went to Gary and then to her son, before finally resting on Elsa. 

“How d’you know this woman?”  Kenzie asked as Gary pulled out £50.

“She me drama teacher mum!”  Finn said, “Elsa, this is me mum and dad; Gary and Kenzie.”  Elsa held out a hand to shake.

“Nice to meet you both.”  She was aware that Finn’s mother had left years ago and had quickly ascertained from the tension between everyone that she had only recently returned. 

“D’you know where Rae is?”  Finn asked Elsa suddenly, hoping that Rae had come to help out with this endeavour. 

“She’s helping Janice out with the stall we’ve got.”  Elsa told him, “Selling the old promo posters from the theatre storage.  There’s some old signed ones too.  That theatre used to have some good shows.” 

“This is your drama teacher…?”  Gary asked, still not able to take all of Elsa in. 

“Aye.”  Finn answered, amused.

“At school?”  Gary took in the dress slowly. 

“Aye.”  Finn rolled his eyes, and Elsa did a fine job of smiling sweetly for the parents. 

“You’ve ignited a passion for theatre in him.”  Gary said eventually with a wry grin. 

“No I’m fairly certain Rae did that.”  Elsa answered, “All I did was get him back in to school.”

“Oh that was you?”  Gary held out his hand again, “I owe you a lot of thanks for getting him back in school.” 

“My pleasure.”  Elsa said honestly, “I do like it when I fight for a student, and they so brilliantly prove me right.”  She looked at Finn, “I told them that you’d do well this time.”

“You’re always right Elsa.”  Finn laughed. 

“Anyway, as much as I have enjoyed this little chat, I’ve got money to make.”  She grinned cheekily, “Back to it.”  She wandered off, finding the next person to approach and chat to.  Finn saw the man give her twenty quid before she’d even explained what it was for.  He chuckled; the theatre would get its money.  Between Elsa and Janice, it was a forgone conclusion that the theatre would be a success by the end of the year. 

“She’s your drama teacher?”  Kenzie asked incredulously, watching the way her full rump moved in the tight dress.  Finn noticed where his mother’s eyes were and shrugged.

“She don’t dress like that at school mum.”  Finn reassured her, “I think she knows we’d never get anything done if she did.”  He chuckled and looked forward to finding Rae somewhere in this mess of a flea market.  He kept his head up now, on the lookout for his girl. 

“How can you talk like that about a school teacher?”  Kenzie asked, surprised.

“She’s a teacher mum, not dead.”  Finn shrugged indifferently.

“In my day we hated most of the teachers.”  Gary shook his head.

“In our day, the teachers didn’t look like that.”  Kenzie’s eyes followed Elsa through the crowd, her bright red dress standing out spectacularly. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”  Finn said in a tired voice, “I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that a teacher’s a human being that is well liked by her students cos she treats us like human beings too.” 

“Language.”  Gary knew he was fighting a losing battle, but Kenzie’s presence made him more willing to try anyway.

“I just worry.”  Kenzie said softly.  Finn shrugged again.

“I don’t know what to say to you.  But of all the things you need to be worrying about, Elsa’s not one of ‘em.”  He turned away, “Yeah she’s beautiful, but she’s not for me.”  He scanned the crowd, looking through the people at the stalls, seeking out Rae, “So you don’t need to be worrying about me fucking a teacher.” 

“Language…”  Gary reminded hm.

“I’m sorry.”  Kenzie said before Finn had chance to reply.  “I’m still finding my feet.” 

“Yeah well I’m 18 mum, not 10.”  An awkward silence settled on them and Finn turned away.  “Where’s Rae?”  He mumbled.

“Yeah, why she isn’t here with us?”  Gary seized on the opportunity to change the topic, “I thought she said she’d come along.”

“Well it’s nice we’re here as a family though, isn’t it?”  Kenzie asked bracingly.

“Rae is part of this family.”  Gary replied.

“Rae _is_ my family.”  Finn corrected meaningfully.  And Gary, who had been living with Finn through the past year of turmoil with Rae understood his meaning completely. 

“You both feel that way?”  Kenzie asked with a barely audible voice, her heart starting to thump as she realised she had made a terrible mistake. 

“Of course.”  Gary said simply.  He watched his wife look away, a worried expression on her face.

“We’ll have to make sure she’s at family things in future.”  She said softly and Gary nodded, realising that it was probably Kenzie’s fault that Rae wasn’t here today.  They had a long way to go, but he put his arm over her shoulders to comfort her.  They started to walk again, Finn too busy scanning the crowds and stalls for Rae to really hear what they were talking about. 

When he finally saw her, she was chatting to a man, holding a poster open between them, while Janice and Elsa counted the money from Elsa’s stuffed tin.  The man handed over some money happily and Rae rolled the poster back up for him, putting an elastic band around it to keep it closed.  Finn surged forward, leaving his parents behind, Gary, his arm draped over Kenzie’s shoulders watched Finn go and looked through the crowds to see Rae.  His smile dropped when he saw Janice at the stall, her eyes had found him.  He almost took his arm off Kenzie, but she had looked away before he did.  He lowered his eyes.

“D’you wanna get some fairy floss?”  He asked Kenzie, wanting to steer her away from Janice.

“No.”  Kenzie said watching as Finn got to Rae, she saw the huge grin on his face as he slipped behind the table and took her into his arms.  She felt the depth of her mistake when he kissed her and held her tightly.  “I think we should talk to Rae.”

“Don’t you think we should give them some time alone?”  Kenzie looked up at Gary while at the stall Finn was stroking Rae’s cheek.

“Where you been girl?”  He asked, “I’ve missed you.”

“It’s only one day.”  She smiled awkwardly. 

“Aye, but tomorrow night you’re off.”  He pouted, “I wanna get as much time with you as possible.” 

“Alright, you can come round to my place after this.”  Rae grinned.

“Why weren’t you at mine when I got back?”  He looked worried and Rae sighed internally.

“I just think it’s important for you to get lots o’ time with your family Finn.”  It wasn’t a lie, she did.  She just hadn’t expected it to be as much time as Kenzie obviously thought, “you got a lot of healing and-”

“You are my family.”  Finn said commandingly.  His voice firm and insistent.  “If you’re not there it’s a waste o’ me time, cos I don’t wanna build a family without you in it.”  Rae felt tears in her eyes and stroked his face as she swallowed them back.  “I’m serious Rae, don’t disappear on me alright?  I need you.”

“Alright.”  She whispered, not sure how she was going to manage to navigate the issues with Kenzie.  Even if she could be brought around, Rae knew that Kenzie’s anxiety was as bad as her own.  And Rae knew that having two people that messed up in his life couldn’t be good for Finn. 

Kenzie approached, Gary trailing behind, his head down and his hands pocketed. 

“Do you have a ‘Waiting for Godot’ poster?”  Kenzie asked Rae quietly.

“Aye.”  Rae said, “It’s a good play.”  She found out the promotional poster from when the theatre had run that play many years back.

“Surprised it’s not a Scottish play, ma.”  Finn teased and she smiled tightly.

“Well you’ve got to give the Irish some credit.”  She returned as she opened the poster with Rae.  “It’s signed, d’you know who by?”  Rae shook her head.

“I can try and find out.”  She suggested but Kenzie shook her head.

“I’ll go through all the old records, it’ll be good for me.”  Finn listened to their delicate small talk and watched as his father gave Janice a longing look.  Janice was very obviously refusing to look at him as Elsa laughed and took her tin, ready to head back out.  But Janice was keeping her there, joking, and talking shit to give herself something to look at other than Gary with his wife.  Finn watched Gary’s brows furrow, his eyes drop as his feet started to shuffle and was glad he wasn’t his father.  It was nice to be so in love that there was literally no other choice he could make.  He had met a woman in Elsa, that had he never met Rae, could have made him happy in an entirely unexpected way.  But having met Rae, there really was no one else that would do.  It was nice.  He saw how nice it was when he saw his father’s struggle. 

“So how much money have you made?”  Kenzie asked.

“I dunno, Janice is keeping track of it.”  Rae said, “But to be honest, we need more than just the re-wiring costs.  Phil said the lights are basically antiquated fire hazards.  And I know we need a new spotlight.”  Kenzie turned to look at Finn.

“Does this stuff really matter to you?”  She asked and Finn nodded.

“The community arts centre is important for the town.”  Finn said, “And I been really enjoying me theatre.”  He grinned, “I enjoy the tech stuff more than the acting stuff…” He admitted, “But I like all of it.”  He nodded and slipped his arm around Rae’s waist.  Kenzie noticed that he spoke more freely when Rae was around, even if after every sentence he finished his eyes went immediately back to her.  Kenzie pulled out her purse and handed Rae £50. 

“Thanks.”  Rae smiled and tapped Janice on the shoulder, Janice turned and Rae handed her the money.  Before she had chance to stop herself she looked up at Kenzie. 

“I’d like to help out at the arts centre, if you need any office work done for free, I could volunteer.”  Kenzie said to Janice earnestly.  Finn saw Gary wince silently and bite his bottom lip and watched Janice swallow back whatever she had really wanted to say and smile, quite convincingly. 

“We do have enough people in the office at the moment.”  Janice said charmingly.  “But I’ll let you know if anything changes.”  She put the money in the bag with the rest, “Thank you so much for the offer and your donation.”  She smiled again.

“It’s fine.”  Kenzie smiled.

“We are going to go and get some fairy floss.”  Gary said firmly and Kenzie looked up at him surprised.

“Come with?”  Finn said to Rae and Rae opened her mouth to say no but Janice motioned for her to go.

“I got Elsa and Sue helping out, and Phil will be here in about 20 minutes.”  Janice told her, “Go!” 

“Yeah but Elsa and Sue are tin collecting.”  Rae said, “Maybe I’ll just hang around till Phil gets here?” 

“Whatever you do, we will meet both of you there, so don’t dawdle.”  Gary said to Finn and Rae, before taking Kenzie’s hand and leaving.  Janice lowered her eyes, Rae and Finn both watched her, worrying.  But Elsa silently watched Finn’s parents leave, her quick eyes picking up on all the small subtleties. 

“Oh how I enjoy awkward tension.”  Elsa teased and Janice rolled her eyes.  “Here I was thinking that their little love triangle,” Elsa motioned towards Rae and Finn, “was a fascinating example of why monogamy is stupid, but now I have yours my dear friend.”  Elsa grinned at Janice, “Far more pertinent.” 

“Yes alright.”  Janice shook her head. 

“You alright?”  Finn asked and Janice took a deep breath.

“Fine.”  She said firmly, “It’ll get easier every time I see him.”  She noted Kenzie’s donation and the sale of the poster in her ledger and looked back up at them, “I’ll be over him in no time at all.”

“I think I need to take you out for a night of drinking and fucking complete strangers.”  Elsa grinned, “It’s been far too long since I had a one night stand.  You in pretty lady?” 

“Yeah.”  Janice grinned.  “I’m in.” 

 

 

Rae and Finn dawdled to the truck selling fairy floss; Finn didn’t like it all that much.  He liked it much less since Olivia had tried hand feeding it to him.  They had left before Phil came, Janice shooing them off so that her and Elsa could organise their night out in privacy. 

“D’you reckon a night of fucking guys’ll be good for Janice?”  Finn asked.

“Why not?”  Rae asked.

“It’s just not what I expected.”  Finn said, “It’s not healthy is it?”

“Guys fuck a bunch o’ girls when they get dumped, why not her?”  Finn considered this and nodded his head.

“I s’pose.  I just figured Janice wouldn’t do that.”

“You say that like it’s bad to fuck a bunch o’ people.”

“Not bad.  Unless you’re doing it to fill an emotional hole.”  Rae was the one considering things now.

“Aye.”  She agreed.  “If you’re doing it for fun then sure.”  Rae spelled it out, “But if you’re doing it to numb your pain…”

“I can tell you first hand that sex to numb pain only makes you hate yourself.”  Finn shook his head.

“Aye but Janice isn’t you.  It might be different for her.”  Finn nodded his head slowly to Rae’s reply.

“That’s very true.”  He leaned over and kissed her lips.

“Either way, we’re gonna have to get all the gossip outta Janice about what happens.”  Rae said cheekily and Finn chuckled at her.

“I knew you’d say that.”  He said fondly grinning at her. 

“You saying I’m a gossiper?”  Rae asked, “Or nosy?”

“Only about certain things.  And with them you are an unstoppable force.”  Finn laughed at her scowl, “No more than me!”  He pleaded as her fake scowl started to crack into laughter.  He sighed happily; “I love you girl.” 

“I love you.”  She replied with an equally happy grin.

“I were real worried today that everything were changing.”  He told her, his thumb stroking the back of her hand.

“Change can be good Finn.”  Rae reminded him and he took that in gratefully.

“Aye but it was so… I dunno… it just felt like a bad change were coming.” 

“I don’t think a bad change is coming Finn.”  Rae soothed, “It’s probably just the usual ups and downs.”  She kissed him, “We’ll be fine.  We’ll always be fine.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Breaking the Girl’ by Red Hot Chilli Peppers _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyu04pqC8lE>

 

Rae always enjoyed it when he scooted down the bed and laid in her arms like this, his head somehow finding a spot in her chest, his had cupping her breast, probably to keep it in a position that allowed him to breathe… They had eaten breakfast, Finn again taking care of Aiesha while Karim and Linda ate, and had immediately come back up to bed, stripping off to lay together naked until they had Kester after lunch.  Then it was off to Lincoln after dinner.  They had made love several times over the course of the night, barely sleeping and instead clinging to each other as if this were the last night they’d ever spend together.

“I hate that I don’t get to spend tonight with you.”  Rae’s voice was sad and also a little pouty.  Finn smiled fondly at that pouty tone.  He didn’t need to look up to know exactly what her face looked like right now. 

“Me too.”  He did look up at her and saw that bottom lip of hers jutting out ever so slightly.  It was impossible not to kiss her when she looked like that. 

“I’m serious.”  She said in between his kisses as he crawled back up the bed, his lips barely leaving hers.

“So am I.”  He stopped and looked her in the eye.  “We don’t spend nights apart unless something really bad has happened.”  He stroked her hair.

“Maybe that’s why you thought something bad were coming?”  Rae couldn’t take her eyes off his. 

“Something bad is coming.”  It was his turn to pout now, “No you in the bed next to me.”  She kissed him, “One o’ the things that makes me happiest in this world, Rae, is waking up next to you.” 

“Maybe I shouldn’t go.”  She lowered her eyes.

“Don’t be daft.”  Finn said instantly, “You’re gonna go, and you’re gonna win.”  She made a soft noise of rebuttal but he kissed her before she had chance to speak. 

They made love.  Again.  Finn was exhausted and he was fairly certain that he was coming dry.  The last time that had happened was in Sutherland.  He would orgasm, but he was certain he wasn’t ejaculating; there was nothing left in his balls to ejaculate right now because they’d been having so much sex.  Rae noticed, but neither of them said anything, she could tell he was coming from his voice and sounds, she had come to the same conclusion as Finn as to why he was having dry orgasms.  But after fifteen days without sex, and the possibility of the next week being sexless, they weren’t slowing down just yet. 

 

 

They were late to Kester. 

“Your plant needs watering.”  Rae said softly and Kester looked at it, as if he were surprised it was there. 

“Of course.”  He muttered and grabbed a glass of water for it.

“That plant’s gonna die.”  Rae told Finn and he nodded his head grimly.  Kester returned and sat back in his chair.

“How are you both?  Any new post traumatic syndrome symptoms?”  They both shook their heads and he nodded, “So you’re both…?”

“Really good.”  Finn answered, Rae nodding beside him, and Kester smiled happily.

“What’s been going so well?”  He asked them and Finn looked to Rae.

“I think we’ve been communicating better and better.”

“Still room for improvement.”  Finn said and Rae nodded.

“Aye, but we’re still doing real good.”  Rae continued, “And we been talking about the idea of selfless love.”

“And what does that mean to both of you?”  Kester asked interestedly. 

“Well for me,” Finn said, “It came like some lightning flash that I were making everything about me and how I felt.”  Finn lit up a cigarette and Kester frowned slightly because he had quit and smelling the smoke made him want to light up.  But let it slide, getting out the ashtray for Finn and putting it on the table beside him.  “I suddenly realised that really I’d do anything for her to be happy.  And then my happiness seemed to come second to that.” 

“But,” Kester said delicately, “Don’t you think your happiness should be equally as important?” 

“I s’pose.”  Finn shrugged, “but I been worrying a lot about me own happiness for a while.  Rae can have her time in the sun for a bit afore I get it all even in me own head.”  Kester nodded thoughtfully and turned to Rae.

“Similar sort o’ thing.”  Rae said, grinning at Finn.  “We’ve just gotten to this point where, I think, we really understand each other,” Rae continued, “and we really want the other person to be happy, no matter what.”

“Even at your own expense?”  Kester asked and both of them nodded.  “This is a tricky thing.”  Kester said slowly, “Because loving fearlessly, and without ego, can be very freeing.  But I would still caution both of you to keep your own interests on the radar.”

“Well it’s a work in progress.”  Finn shrugged; “We’re still building our relationship.  I just think we’re both actually real happy with how it’s going for once!”  He chuckled. 

“So there’s nothing happening at the moment?”  Kester asked, “No pressures… no difficulties…?”

“Didn’t say that.”  Rae answered grimly, “There’s still a lot going on.” 

“But you’re both coping with it better?”  Kester asked and they both nodded, “Do you think you still need to come to couples therapy then?”  He watched both of their faces fall, fear hitting both of them and they turned to look at each other.  “Both of you tell me the thing that you believe is affecting your relationship the most right now.”  Kester said gently, “you first Rae.”  Rae looked at his expectant face and knew she had to answer honestly even if she didn’t want to.

“Kenzie.”  Rae said softly.

“Why d’you say that?”  Finn asked worried. 

“She’s putting a lot o’ pressure us Finn.”  Rae answered delicately.  Kester had already talked about Kenzie in Finn’s last session, but this was the first time Rae was mentioning her. 

“Ok.”  Kester answered, “You don’t need to explain your answer just yet.”  He turned to Finn, “And you?”  Finn thought about it for a minute; school, Phillip, even Elsa to a certain degree, Rae’s family, but even he had to admit it.

“Me mum.”  He said slowly, sadly, “It’s been… a difficult week.” 

“So you both seem to be on the same page.”  Kester noted. 

“There’s a lot o’ things that’re putting pressure on.”  Finn said, “But trying to fix an eight year old wound is…”

“Draining.”  Kester said astutely and Finn looked at him surprised.

“Aye.”  He sounded as if he hadn’t thought of that and Rae looked over to him sympathetically. 

“I wanna let you both sit with this for a few minutes.  We’ll talk about something else and come back to it alright?”  He licked his lips as he watched Finn slouching down in his chair, the weight of the pressure of his mother seeming to bare down on him.  Rae was fidgeting more than she had in a few weeks.  “Let’s talk about baseless fears.”  He pressed on, “particularly a fear that you know is perhaps foolish, but that you can’t seem to let go of anyway.  Finn, what is a daft, baseless fear you have about your relationship with Rae?”  Finn looked over at Rae and she lowered her eyes; she knew he’d mention Phillip and that this session was about to get a whole lot more frustrating.  She couldn’t fix the problem with Phillip until he said something to her.  They had both agreed to try and salvage the friendship her and Phil had, so the only option she felt she had was to await this dinner and the declaration of love.  She felt her stomach knot and bit her bottom lip in worry. 

“I’m worried she’ll get bored o’ me.”  She looked up to see a sad smile on his face, “You’re a lot smarter than me girl.  No matter how many times you say otherwise, the evidence does not agree with you.”  He shrugged, “I know we talk well now.  And we got music… but I struggle to keep up with you sometimes.” 

“I already told you Finn, there’s heaps o’ stuff you know about that I don’t.”  She tried to soothe him. 

“I know.”  He tried to chuckle, “I know it’s daft.  But it won’t go away.” 

“We never hold onto things unless they serve a purpose.”  Kester said softly, “There are two thoughts here, one is that Rae will get bored of you, and the second one is that you’re not smart.”  Kester tugged at his ear and leaned forward, “So what purpose do these thoughts serve Finn?”  Finn thought about this for some time, Rae tried to not stare at him as he thought.

“I guess if I always worry Rae’s gonna leave me it makes me never stop trying to keep her.”  He shrugged as if he wasn’t sure with that answer, “And… I dunno what purpose it serves to think I’m dumb…”

“It’s safe.”  Kester answered and Finn looked up at him confused.  “It stops you from trying things that might be challenging or that you might fail at.  You can never be a failure if you never try.”

“Yeah but being dumb is crap.”  Finn disagreed.

“Better dumb than failing at something you wish you could do.  Not only then do you feel dumb, but you feel like a failure, you feel loss for not being able to do whatever it is you wish you could do.  You feel ashamed for being incapable…”  Kester fixed his eyes on Finn, “dumb seems pretty good right now.”  Finn took all of this in slowly, “But there’s no way to feel any of that when you fail at something.  Every great success has countless failures preceding it Finn; to never fail is to never try.”

“I am scared of failing.”  Finn admitted.

“Hm.”  Kester replied, “So you’re too dumb to try.”  Finn raised his eyes, “Good survival tactic.”  Kester said, “At some point when you were a child you must have been filled with a sense of failure and shame so complete you never wanted to feel it again, so your clever brain made a way to always avoid that.  But this survival tactic no longer serves you Finn.” 

“I thought it were my fault me mum left.”  Finn acknowledged and Kester nodded; they had discussed this in detail already, but Finn was clearly still struggling with it.  “I thought I’d failed me dad.  I thought I were a bad son that’s why she left.  I felt so ashamed.”

“Shame is a very hard feeling to overcome.  So it stands to reason you would be scared of Rae leaving.” 

“But I know she won’t.”  He said firmly. 

“And yet, you have this daft fear.”  Kester finished gently.  “We should talk about it in our private sessions.”  Kester said and Finn nodded thoughtfully.  Kester hoped that by talking about daft fears, he would unlock all the pressures Kenzie was placing on them; it was probable that everyone involved was filled with assumptions, misconceptions, expectations, fear, guilt, shame… Talking about daft fears was a good way to get them thinking about this complex web of emotions so that they could better address the issues surrounding Kenzie. 

“And you Rae?”  He watched her lower her eyes and take a deep breath.

“I…” She looked back up at Kester, as if she didn’t want to think what she was thinking.  Kester realised that her daft fear was big and worried that perhaps it wasn’t appropriate to mention it as a precursor for dealing with the Kenzie issue.  He tried to think of a way to steer her to a smaller topic.  “I’m worried Finn had feelings for Elsa.”  Rae blurted out before he had chance to think of something.  Kester turned his eyes to Finn, but Finn was looking shocked at Rae.

“Why would you think that?”  He asked, but his shock was not the right kind of shock.  It wasn’t ‘I would never,’ it was ‘how did you know?’  Kester closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, hoping that Rae hadn’t caught that. 

“You do don’t you?”  She asked, the surprised hurt obvious. 

“Rae!”  Finn returned defensively.

“How did you know she don’t fuck students?”  Rae asked suddenly accusatory, “How did you find that out?”  She stood up, suddenly realising she was on to something, “And the way you talk to her, all friendly like.” 

“She talks to everyone friendly Rae, she’s just friendly like that.”  Finn tried to stay calm.

“The way you talk about her!”  Rae almost yelled.  “Are you in love with her?” 

“No!”  Finn stood up too now and Kester raised his hands to try and encourage them to both sit down.  “No Rae, I’m in love with you.”

“How did you know that she don’t fuck students Finn?”  Rae demanded.  Finn opened his mouth to reply, but knew he couldn’t lie again.  It was sooner than he wanted it, but he had to tell her.  Rae saw the hesitation and a look of utter devastation came over her face.  “Oh my god.”  She whispered and turned away from him, tears biting at her eyes. 

“Rae…”  Finn said softly.  “Please…”  There was a moment of silence and Finn looked down trying to gather his thoughts into some coherent way of communicating with her.  Kester got up and went to Rae as she walked to the window, tears streaming down her face now. 

“When did it happen?”  He hated the way her voice cracked with pain. 

“Nothing happened Rae.”

“We both know that’s not true.”  Rae shook her head, refusing to look at him. 

“Rae…”

“WHEN?”  She ordered angrily.

“When we broke up.”  Finn closed his eyes and sunk back into his chair.  He heard a quiet sob from Rae and heard Kester gently speaking to her.  He supposed he should wait for Kester to finish whatever he was saying, but he couldn’t.  “Rae… we broke up… I were a mess.”  He said, “I went to her house… cos we’d talked before… about how I needed to learn how to handle your world.  Elsa says I went there cos even in the midst of self-destruction, part o’ me had some self-preservation.  Cos I could’ve just as easily gone to Chloe and I knew she’d say yes… but that on some level I knew Elsa would say no.” 

“Chloe.”  Rae nodded her head slowly, “Yeah you could’ve fucked me best mate.  You could fuck any girl.”  She shrugged angrily as if it didn’t matter to her.  “So why Elsa?”

“Cos I knew she’d say no.”

“Oh right.”  Rae said not believing him.  “Why her?”  Rae knew he was attracted to her; everyone knew about her sexual reputation. 

“I went there cos…”

“She were gonna be a better fuck than me?”  Rae spat angrily.

“No Rae!”  Finn answered heartbroken at how much this had hurt her.  “I went to Elsa cos…” But he couldn’t think of a real or good reason.  He had just wanted to.  She was more interesting than Chloe and he had needed something; he had needed to feel that odd mixture of numbness and being wanted that could put not being with Rae out of his mind for a few minutes.  He had needed to fuck and Elsa had a reputation, and yes, he had been curious about her.  “Cos I needed to…”

“Have another Olivia?”  Rae asked thickly and Finn felt almost as if he had been hit. 

“I guess.”  He whispered, accepting her accusation. 

“But Elsa don’t fuck students.”  Rae sniffed. 

“No.”  Finn replied, “She doesn’t.”  There was a short silence. 

“Did you put the hole in her wall cos she wouldn’t fuck you?”  Rae asked bitterly.

“No… that was all about you.” 

“Oh well that’s comforting.”  Rae snarked.  Finn wished she would turn to him, he wished he could see her.  “What happened?”

“Are you sure you want to know this?”  Kester asked her gently.

“Shut the fuck up Kester.”  Rae said softly, “Tell me what happened.”  He saw her holding herself, could see the side of her face, covered with tears. 

“I kissed her.”  Finn said, “She told me to sleep it off.”  Finn looked down at his hands and realised he had been pulling at his cuticles again, there were several places bleeding on his fingers.  “That’s 100% it.”  He said firmly. 

“So the only reason you haven’t fucked my teacher, a woman I admire and aspire to be like… is cos she turned you down…”  Rae nodded slowly, taking that in painfully. 

“I don’t think I could’ve gone through with it.”  Finn said slowly.  She turned to him angrily.

“Don’t give me that bullshit!”  She cried angrily.  “She is perfect… she’s fucking perfect Finn!  She’s everything I wish I was!  She’ beautiful and sexy and intelligent… and so sensual.  I’ll never be like her.”  Rae sniffed hard, her voice choking with tears and pain. “I don’t believe for a second that you wouldn’t have gone through with it.  I can trust her more than you!” 

“You’re right that she’s beautiful and sexy and all that…” Finn said and saw how bad it hurt her to hear him say that, “But… But she’s not you.  And I don’t think I could’ve gone through with it really.”  He stood up again, wanting to hold her, “It were hard enough doing it with Olivia… but with Elsa…. I’d known you.”  Finn willed her to understand, “I’d been with you… I knew what you felt like… no one will ever be you.”  Finn said, “No matter how attractive they are.  Elsa is… stunning.”  Finn admitted, “But I don’t think I could’ve gone through with it, even if she had been bag up for it.  Her body just wouldn’t have felt right.”  He had been thinking about this since Elsa had said he wouldn’t be able to go through with it, and he understood why Elsa was right; he’d never be any good with anyone but Rae, not in any way.  “We were built for each other Rae.”  He pleaded, “No one else will ever feel right to me.  I’ll never be nothing without you.”  He hated how silent she was, just staring at him, tears falling down her cheeks in a constant flow.  “I used to do stupid stuff like Olivia… Elsa was…” He thought of the way Elsa had described it, “The last dying breath of the stupid little boy in me.”  He took a step closer to her and she took one back, sending a stab of pain through his chest. 

“So every time we fight, you’re gonna go fuck some girl.”  Rae didn’t even look at him, her eyes were off to the side. 

“Every time we fight now girl, I run after you.  You’ve seen that.”  Rae turned from him and looked out the window, her emotions a screaming cacophony in her chest, her mind unable to stay still on any one thought for long enough to handle any of this. 

“If it were really nothing why didn’t you tell me?”

“Cos I didn’t wanna burden you with it.”  Finn said, “I figured cos it happened when we was apart that…” He took a deep breath, “That it didn’t matter as much.”  Rae again nodded, taking that in. 

“And you have feelings for her.”

“I suppose yes.”  Finn said with a slight grimace.  “She’s helped me understand a lot about myself Rae.  About how to be a good man for you… How could I not care about her?  Without her I wouldn’t o’ thought to ring Kester and start these sessions.  I wouldn’t o’ been brave enough to come after you again… we wouldn’t be together.  I would’ve run off to Leeds permanently.” 

“Do you wish I were more like Elsa?”  She asked and Finn considered this.  At one time he had wished that Rae had had Elsa’s confidence.  But now he never thought about it; Rae was perfect as she was.  He had enjoyed watching her confidence grow with him, the way she had grown had been the most miraculous experience for him.

“No.”  He said honestly, and he meant it. 

“I need to go.”  Rae said slowly and walked towards the door quite quickly.

“Rae please… you’re my world.”  Finn grabbed her hand as she walked past.  Rae paused.

“I would’ve thought by now Finn, that you’d realise that I need time alone with things like this.”  He looked at her drawn face, her eye red and swollen, downcast, he chin trembling with misery.

“I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you… I wish I-”

“Finn.”  She said firmly, taking her hand from his, “I need to go, before I do or say something I regret.  Alright?” 

“Alright.”  He stepped back from her to let her get to the door.  “See you Wednesday yeah?”  He felt his body aching to hold her to heal her.  He’d do anything to undo that pain on her face. 

“Aye.”  She answered, looking at him momentarily before heading to the door.

“Rae, I love-“

“Don’t.”  She shook her head.  “I don’t wanna hear it right now.  I don’t want it associated with this.”  She opened the door and was gone.  Finn collapsed back into his chair and put his hands over his face.

“It’s good for her to have time alone.”  Kester said gently as he closed the door.

“Why do I fuck everything up all the time Kester?”

“In fairness, this is an old fuck up coming back to bit you on the arse.”  Kester grabbed an unopened packet of cigarettes from his drawer.  “So let’s talk about this.”  Finn nodded slowly.  “Did you tell Rae the truth?”

“More or less.”  Finn said, “I may have slammed Elsa into the door and grabbed her tits as well as kissed her… but you know… same outcome.  She shut it down.”  Finn lit a cigarette and shook his head in annoyance at himself.

“And you honestly feel like you wouldn’t have gone through with it?”

“I’m 90% sure I wouldn’t of gone through with it back then.”

“And if it happened now?”

“It wouldn’t happen now.”  He shrugged, “There’s no urge in me now to go chasing after a fuck.  I just wanna chase after Rae.” 

“You gotta give her time.”  Kester said grimly.

“Aye.”  Finn agreed sadly. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Milk’ by Garbage _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DI5MuRF0Tk>

 

_Dear Diary_

_It’s been too long since I wrote to you._

_Maybe that’s a sign.  When I don’t write so much to you, everything is bound to fall apart._

_How could it all have been so perfect, and now…?_

_Now I don’t know what to think._

_I don’t know what to feel._

_Can someone be so perfect for you that you’re just not allowed to be happy with them?_

_I can’t imagine anyone else’s fingers slipping between mine and feeling so right._

_When we sleep next to each other it feels like we was meant to be.  How he can just find every right place to put his hand, his head, his feet; like a jigsaw puzzle._

_We fit._

_But he has this part of him that I can’t…_

_Can’t what?_

_Deal with?_

_Handle?_

_Compete with?_

_I know I have difficult sides to me.  Dark impulses… self-destructive urges._

_I can still feel that vinegary pool of self-hatred inside of me.  I know it’s always there._

_And even since I’ve been with Finn, there have been moments when I looked at my scars and wanted to see a new, slender, red line etched into my flesh.  There have been moments when I looked at the closet filled with food and… something needed silencing in me, a never-ending hunger, an ache… But I didn’t do it.  I didn’t eat more than I needed to.  I didn’t cut myself.  I didn’t burn myself… I didn’t hurt myself…_

_And I can’t tell you why I didn’t…_

_And that scares me.  Cos how do I make sure I never do it again?_

_How does he?_

_Cos the urge… the urge to just self-annihilate in tiny painful incremental steps…_

_That’s still there.  It always will be._

_And so will his urges always be.  Always._

_Always he will have the thought that maybe it would help to… numb himself this way._

_Pain is part of life.  And I know that when I want it to end, I have things that I do… that I try not to do now._

_But what makes me manage to not do it?_

_What makes him not do it again?_

_Can I trust this invisible thing that stops me from hurting myself will never fail?_

_Can he trust it?_

_Cos diary as we speak my knife is lying on the bed beside me for the first time in over 9 months._

_Maybe the self-destructive urges never leave us because even in self-destruction we find a beautiful way to cope with things that are too painful._

_So he numbs himself like I do… but he does it in the warm flesh of another human.  It’s a hunger isn’t it?  To fill that hole within, to feel something other than what you feel._

_I suppose fucking Olivia… almost Elsa… I suppose it’s his way of dealing with that never-ending ache.  That hunger to have the impossible._

_But what’s impossible for Finn Nelson?_

_He’s so perfect that a woman as beautiful as Olivia happily fucked him a few hours after meeting him… and I know in my heart diary… and in my mind… that in the right circumstances Elsa would fuck him too._

_So what does it mean?_

_He can have whatever he wants._

_There’s no hunger that he can’t satisfy._

_And there will always be painful things, and no guarantee that he won’t return to a numb fuck… just as my fingers keep twitching to hold my knife._

_What does it mean?_

_What does it mean for us?_

_Can I handle the possibility that he’ll do it again?_

_Do I believe that it was ‘the last dying breath of his inner stupid kid?’_

_Can I ever properly trust him?_

_Part of me wishes I’d never loved him._

_Part of me wishes I’d never met him._

_And now I have to go to school, and get on a minivan, and head to Lincoln with the woman he tried to fuck when we broke up._

_Elsa.  So perfect…_

_Everything about her is everything I want to be._

_I understand why he’d go for her.  Why he has feelings for her.  Why he’s attracted to her._

_I still don’t understand why he has feelings for me.  Why he’s attracted to me.  Why he went for me._

_Maybe I just wanted him so much that I thought it could work and I’ve been fooling myself all this time._

_Because I don’t see how it works._

_I see that we just fit somehow.  But I need to understand how.  Because what if it all begins to fall apart and I don’t know how we fit together in the first place – how can I put us back together then?_

_I don’t understand any of this.  And yet, I seem to have some sort of clarity.  I see that we are alike._

_And can I trust myself to never let him down?  Whatever I answer to that, is my answer, isn’t it?_

_Cos we’re alike in so many ways.  If I can’t trust me to never do it again… I can’t trust him to never do it again._

_I need to put my knife away.  I need to not do this to myself._

_But what if I can’t put it away?_

_Can I handle what it means to have slipped again?_

_Could I handle it if he slips?_

_Can I forgive myself for all I’ve done to me?_

_Can I forgive him?_

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Come to My Window’ by Melissa Etheridge  _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fxMHHyOtgY>

 

Phil put his hands in his pocket and walked to school in the dying sunlight.  He mentally went over his lines, feeling pretty confident that he remembered them.  His mind was completely focused on the drama competition; he wanted to win, and with Rae as his acting partner he felt quite certain they were in with a good chance.  He shifted the weight of his back pack and sped up; he was running a bit late because his father had refused to let him go, citing the missed days at school as unacceptable.  His mother had taken his side.  After his marks last year she felt sure he was doing fine, and was starting to really warm to the idea of her son being a famous actor. 

In the end he had left the house without his father’s permission, his parents still arguing.  He knew his mother would smooth it all over and he’d be allowed back in the house on Wednesday.  He saw the minivan parked out front of the school up ahead.  Rae already sitting inside, her eyes ahead, her countenance perfectly still.  He felt a sense of moroseness about her and worried that she was upset about something.  Maybe Finn had mentioned the dinner thing. 

His stomach did a somersault and he stopped in his tracks.

What if Finn had mentioned the dinner to her?

Then she was expecting him to tell her how he felt.  Sure Finn was going to say that Phil had some important things to talk about to try and make it less awkward, but they all knew what it was about. 

Phil made himself take another step forward.  Everything was going to change after this. 

He watched her as he walked slowly towards the minivan, not moving, it was so unlike her. 

And then Finn pulled up on a motorbike behind the minivan.  Phillip stopped and watched him get off the bike slowly. 

Rae heard a tap on the window and looked to see Finn on the other side.  He put his hand on the window, his eyes filled with so much grief that she felt a hard rock of pain stick in her throat.  She stared at him for a moment before slowly putting her fingers up to touch the places his touched on the other side of the glass.  He smiled sadly and the corner of her mouth twitched upwards slightly, her eyebrows drawn in sorrow.  He mouthed three words to her;

_I love you_

She nodded slowly, her eyes lingering on him for a moment more before she let her hand drop, and looked away.  Finn let his hand drop too and took a step back from the minivan.  He had so hoped she would tell him that she loved him before she was gone for three nights. 

Phillip walked up to stand beside Finn as he watched the side of her face.  Phil saw that Rae was looking at Elsa moodily, while Elsa talked to the minivan driver. 

“Why don’t you just get in the minivan and say goodbye?”  Phil asked, but it was obvious they had had an argument.  Finn shook his head sadly.  Phil had never seen him like this and he almost felt bad for him. 

“She don’t want me to.”  The acceptance in his voice was clear and Phil admired the way Finn knew her so well, and gave her what she wanted, even though it was clearly killing him.  He heard Finn take a deep, determined breath.  “Tuesday night.”  Finn said softly and Phil knew what he was talking about instantly.  “I were gonna ring you at the hotel after your performance, so awkwardness or whatever didn’t fuck it up.”  He never took his eyes from the side of Rae’s face, sitting in the minivan, unable to hear them, but so close.  “But I know you’ll keep your nerve and give her every chance to win.  I know I can trust you to not let her down.”

“Yeah.”  Phil said softly, the weight of this situation sitting uneasily in his stomach. 

“And then, after you win.  Cos I know you two will win this drama thing.”  Finn said with a small smile, his eyes still on Rae, “take her to celebrate for dinner.  And tell her how you feel.”  Finn turned his eyes to Phil, “You couldn’t have asked for better timing.”  Finn turned his eyes back to Rae. 

“Did you two fight?”  Phil asked, genuinely concerned. 

“Fight?”  Finn shook his head, “nah, we don’t really fight anymore.”  He said with a wry smile, “this thing here, with her not looking at me… this is her deciding if she can still trust me after I fucked up, Phil.” 

“Oh…” Phil looked at Finn closely.  But Finn’s eyes were glued to Rae, his emotions so clear on his face.  He smiled grimly and turned his eyes back to Phil.

“And not a small fuck up, Phil, you understand?”  Phil looked back to Rae’s face, his emotions twisting painfully in his stomach.

“Maybe this isn’t the best timing then?”  Phil suggested tentatively, “I don’t wanna take advantage of her…”

“Rubbish Phil.”  Finn’s grin turned cynical, “Never been better timing.  For you.”  He turned his eyes back to Rae, “She’s not a mindless child.”

“Yeah, but if she’s emotional…”

“She’s stronger than you think.”  Finn said, “And if I’m right about you,” Finn turned his eyes to Phil, “You’re a far more decent man than you think you are.”  He again turned his eyes to Rae, “You wanna know how she really feels about you?  Now is the best chance you ever had.”  Finn took another deep breath, “She’ll be fine with whatever you throw at her Phil, so do your best.”  Phil thought about it for a while.

“Alright.”  He said softly, not sure how he felt about this.

“And do me a favour?”  Finn asked, “Take her mind off my fuck up yeah?”  His fingers went back up to the window, but Rae didn’t turn to him, “If she’s thinking about me for the next few days, she won’t win… so… make sure she don’t think about me.” 

“Alright.”  Phil repeated.

“Cheers.”  Finn sighed, “Now fuck off.”  Phillip nodded and thought about everything.

“Good luck with getting her to trust you again.”  He said softly and Finn looked up at him.

“Thanks.”  He said with a small smile, “Good luck with your dinner, I guess.” 

“You don’t mean it, but thanks.”  Phil said.

“Neither do you.”  They shared a small smile and Phil turned and got on the minivan, just as Josh finally showed up.  The engine roared to life as Phil dropped into the seat next to Rae, Finn outside, still touching the window.  The minivan started to move and Rae suddenly turned to him as if she couldn’t stop herself, her hand going to where his was again.

_I love you too._

_Arsehole_

She mouthed the words and he nodded with a sad smile.  And she was gone.  He watched the minivan until it was out of view.

 

 

It didn’t take that long to get to Lincoln, but as soon as they did they checked into their hotel, keen to get to their rooms; everyone feeling strangely exhausted. 

They stood in the hallway outside of three rooms in a row.  Elsa handed a key to Phil, the other went to Candace.

“Right kiddies.”  Elsa said seriously, “I’m sleeping in the room between you, boys that way.”  She pointed to the left, “Girls that way.”  She pointed to the right.  “We all know what kids get up to on these things.”  Elsa said, “None of us are idiots.  But to be perfectly honest I don’t care what you do tonight unless you wake me up.”  She saw the surprise on the kids’ faces and shrugged, “Do it quietly.  Only wake me up if you need adult supervision.  Be smart kids, don’t be dicks.  I got your backs, so don’t make me have to be an authority figure right?”  They all nodded seriously, none of them intending to need an authority figure tonight, “And remember you have a competition tomorrow that you should all wanna win.  So make sure you get enough sleep, right?” 

“I wanna win it.”  Sam said and they all agreed.

“Good, then I don’t have to worry about you being dicks.  You’ll be responsible young adults.”  Elsa nodded for them to go into their rooms and both groups did, the three boys in one room and the three girls in the other.  Elsa went into her room and closed the door, hoping that trusting them would result in a quiet night, but not 100% believing it would. 

Rae, Izzy and Candace looked at the three single beds and each picked theirs, putting their bags on the bedside tables beside the beds and chatting easily. 

They put the tv on and laughed at the stupid game show that was on.  Rae felt herself easing into the situation.  Her mind returned often to Finn; she didn’t know if she could trust him anymore, even though she did love him.  Her emotions were a mess, but she was going to focus on this drama competition and see what happened on Wednesday when he got here.  There was nothing else she could do.  It didn’t matter how any times she went over it in her head, she wasn’t moving forward, the hurt was still too raw, and sitting behind Elsa in the minivan had not helped. 

It hadn’t even been an hour when they heard a gentle rapping sound at the door.  But the girls had been expecting it so they weren’t worried.  Rae’s bed was closest to the door so she got up to get it. 

Phil was standing there, leaning on the door frame, Sam and Josh standing behind him.  His eyes dropped to her lips and then slowly came back up to her eyes.

“Fancy some company?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dark Crystal <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqwW8Y5AX9M>


	8. Chapter 5 - Dream / Nightmare (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the fifth episode 
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 1.
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo

 

_ ‘Total Control’ by The Motels _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yirPs_X8uRM>

 

“D’you know,” Josh said suggestively, looking at Candace, “The other room is empty.”  He raised his eyebrows at her and she hit his arm hard.

“We’ve got a competition to think about!”  She replied with a blush.

“We don’t need that long babe.”  He grinned.

“Then it’s not worth going over there is it?”  Rae joked and they all laughed.

“SH!”  Izzy giggled, “We’ll get Elsa on us.” 

“Yeah but I wouldn’t mind Elsa on me.”  Sam replied. 

“Yeah for a bigger woman… she is incredible.”  Josh agreed. 

“She’s just incredible,” Phil corrected, “You don’t need to qualify it.” 

“You what?”  Josh asked and Phil rolled his eyes.

“You don’t have to say for a bigger woman she’s attractive.  When you do that you’re implying that all bigger woman are naturally unattractive which is bollocks.” 

“That’s not what I meant though.”  Josh said with a slight frown, “I just meant that I don’t normally go for bigger girls.”

“Why not?”  Phillip asked honestly, “You can’t tell me flat out that bigger woman are not attractive, we have ample proof of the exact opposite with Elsa, and Rae, and Bethany, and countless other women.”  Rae enjoyed it when Phil spoke passionately like this.  “So why does the size of a woman even figure into what you go for?”  Josh furrowed his brows for a moment.

“I don’t really know.” 

“Because the images you’ve been seeing of women your whole life on tv, magazines, movies, pornos… they’re all of really thin girls.  And the girls are getting thinner and thinner… and they’re shown as sexy, sexual, desirable…” Rae thought back to the ‘hello boys’ billboard that had gone up in Stamford right around the time she broke up with Finn the first time.  “Women’s bodies are very cleverly marketed, as accessories, as objects to own.  And there’s an implicit message that as a woman you must look like this or be worthless, and to men, you must own a woman like this, or be less of a man.”  Rae considered the way that billboard had made her feel, Phil was right, she was aware of the messages being sent to both men and women with these kinds of images; that’s why she was always, still, so embarrassed for Finn to be seen with her.  “And it’s all a very clever, much more subtle bit o’ marketing than we think.  Sure we realise that they’re selling us a product… we can even resist that.  But we don’t resist the image, the lifestyle, the bodies they’re marketing.  So you don’t buy this particular product?  Doesn’t matter cos you want the lifestyle, you’ll buy something else.”  Phil said with a cynical smile, “There’s a multi-billion dollar diet industry on this planet and plastic surgeons are sometimes booked for months, years even, all because we constantly tell women that they are not attractive enough and that this is the worst thing that can happen to a woman; to be rejected by the cock.  I look forward to the day when the advertisers remember that men have money and perfectly destroyable self-esteems too and start in on us.”

“You’re a lot smarter than everyone else in this room,” Candace said with a wry grin, “You know that?”

“That’s a rudimental understanding of body image and feminism Candace.”  Phil said, “I only read Wolf’s ‘The Beauty Myth’ to get that.”

“That was just one book?”  Josh asked and Phillip chuckled at Josh.

“That was a tiny part of one book.” 

“Can I borrow it?”  Izzy asked curiously and Phillip nodded at her, leaning forward to see her at the other end of the line.  They had pulled the mattresses off the beds and laid them down on the floor.  Phil had sat at the far end, closest to the door and to his surprise Rae had sat next to him as Josh had joked with Sam that he was a dumb idiot for having to repeat second year.  Josh had sat next to Rae and told Candace that they had to stay in pairs.  Izzy had ended up on the end of the line, next to Sam.  Rae had expected to have Izzy on the other side of her, but Izzy seemed very happy up the other end. 

They had talked a lot of shit, the main topic being survival tactics in harsh environments, Josh insisting that they’d all need to get naked in a snow storm and press together for warmth.  When they’d all tried to get verification of this assertion from Phil he’d shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know a thing about survival strategies.” 

“You’ve abandoned us to having to believe Josh!”  Candace laughed aghast.

“Hey I got into university!”  Josh defended himself.

“And no one’s sure how.”  Rae quipped and he nudged her.

“Shut up Rae.”  He laughed.

“World class comeback.”  She told him with a cheeky grin. 

As the time approached 10pm a silent agreement was made and everyone settled in to sleep peacefully; all of them were keen to be fresh for the competition tomorrow. 

Except for Phil. 

Lying this close to her was torture. 

He laid on his back and tried to ignore the places where her body touched his.  She was lying on her side, her head on the corner of the pillow he was using, her back to him.  The lights from the road shone through their windows; they had left the curtains open and he could see her outline fairly easily.  He tried to just sleep; sleep was important right now for the competition.  He couldn’t let Rae down, he had to get to sleep, to be fresh for the performance.  He took some deep breaths and started to count backwards from 100; this usually worked for him.  And tonight was no exception; his body was accustomed to this method of self-soothing and quickly he fell asleep. 

Phil woke in the middle of the night, his arm draped over her, her arm over the top of his as if they were really spooning, his hand just under her breast, the fingertips just touching the underneath of her breast.  He froze, his whole body instantly went tense.  He looked up at the clock: 2:13am.

He tried to move his hand slowly, but her arm squeezed his arm and her hand pulled his arm tighter round her body, forcing him to press himself into her even more.  He closed his eyes, his face was close to the back of her head and he could smell her hair. 

“Steady on Phil.”  He barely whispered the words to himself, trying to stop the erection that was starting to press against his pants.  And she shifted, moved herself slightly, rubbing herself against his body slightly.  He drew in air sharply, holding his breath until she stopped moving, his eyes still closed, unable to believe how close he was to her.  When she’d finished moving he felt his hand on her breast, cupping her through her clothes. 

“Oh fuck.”  He breathed as his body started to react to her presence, her feel, her smell and he just couldn’t stop the rush of blood through his body.  It took less than a minute for Phil to stop himself revelling in the feel of her, get himself under control and act like a decent man by starting to gently worm his hand off her breast.  He didn’t want to wake her, nor did he want to take advantage of her while she slept; he had no doubt she thought he was Finn and he wasn’t ok with that.  If she were awake, if she had asked him to hold her, if she knew what it meant to him, if….

So many ifs. 

He got his hand slowly free running down her stomach and up to her hip unintentionally, a sigh of desire escaping his lips before finally being able to separate their bodies slightly.  As soon as he got some space between them, putting himself almost off the mattress he folded his arms over his chest and tried to not think of how her breast felt in his hand, of what he wished would happen. 

It was as if she were reading his mind, because just as he wished she would turn to him, she did.  She turned over, facing him, her hand going to his hip, pulling him closer, Phil obliging without a thought and then instantly regretting it as their legs entwined, their faces so close.  He took her in, in the light from the outside streetlights and regretted that he’d have to extricate himself from her arms more than letting himself get into them thoughtlessly like he had.  He decided to give it a minute before starting the task of getting them un-entwined, to make sure that she was asleep; he didn’t want her to be embarrassed.  Slowly he started to separate their legs, looking down as he did so, even though he couldn’t see properly.  He didn’t know how he’d get her arm off his hip without stirring her, but he’d think about that when he had to, for now it was all legs.  He gently nudged her leg off his.  He got it off after a few attempts and looked up to see her eyes open, he started slightly, his mouth opening to say something but she didn’t move, and he figured she must be still asleep.  But then he saw her brows furrow slightly, vulnerability sinking into her eyes.  He could see the internal conflict all over her face as she slowly pulled herself closer to him.  Phil felt his breath catch in his throat as she re-entwined their legs.  He saw her eyes go to his lips and felt an electric thrill go up his spine, his hand very gently stroked the hair off her face and then he caressed the smooth skin of her cheek, unable to believe he was doing this. 

He saw her lips part and felt his own parting, felt their faces coming closer together.

Closer.

But the look of vulnerability on her face, and the inner conflict she obviously felt came to Phil as her lips were almost on his.  He could feel her breath on his face, all he had to do was pout slightly and his lips would be on hers.  She had stopped, her eyes on his, even this close, waiting for him to finish the movement. 

He closed his eyes and opened his mouth wider, ready to kiss her, like he’d been aching to do for months and months.  But that look in her eyes…

She wasn’t sure.

“What are you and Finn fighting about?”  He whispered, his lips brushing hers slightly as he spoke.  He stroked her hair lovingly, not wanting to lose this closeness.

“Oh…” She sounded surprised and hurt.  And Phil felt his heart skip a beat.  “I didn’t think you’d wanna talk about him.”  Her lips brushed his as she spoke slowly.

“I don’t.”  His voice was low and filled with an aching desire and she moaned lightly in response to that desire and they both unconsciously moved closer.  “But why don’t you tell me about him anyway.”  Phillip forced himself to say it.  Her hand went from his hip to his chest, running up his body slowly.  They were fully clothed, but Phil knew, from his time with Andrea that a few centimetres closer and he’d be able to slip his cock into her if she wrapped her leg round his waist. 

“But I were about to kiss you.”  She whispered, her voice low and filled with desire.  Phil swallowed hard, feeling almost dizzy with desire as she managed to move herself closer, her hand running down his chest and stopping at his belt buckle.  He moaned slightly, so desperate for her it hurt.

“I know.”  He told her achingly, “I know.”  He felt her lips part further, inviting him to kiss her, “but tell me about Finn.”  He managed to say the words even as inside he bemoaned that he was saying this to her, when he was so close to her.  With the way she was clinging to him, he knew he could suggest that they go to the empty room and she would go.  He knew he could make love to her tonight if he just said the right things, and given the vulnerability in her eyes, he knew it wouldn’t take much convincing at all, she was practically already convinced.  The smell of her, and the feel of her in his arms was excruciating.  She was so close to him, and he wanted so badly to just kiss her.  Her fingers curled under his belt and he groaned as she rose her leg up his thigh.  If they were naked he’d only have to thrust and he’d be in her.  His hand travelled down her side to her arse momentarily, he couldn’t stop himself from pulling her closer; their bodies moved slightly, rubbing against each other Phillip didn’t know how much longer he could do this before he did the wrong thing and ended up taking advantage of her, he wanted her so completely he could barely think straight, his cock was throbbing in his jeans.  They clung to each other almost obscenely, their lips still not quite touching. 

“I thought you might wanna kiss me.”  She moved her head slightly her lips brushing his again and it took everything Phil had in him to not do it, it was bad enough that they were almost dry humping; if they moved even slightly faster or harder it’d be definite dry humping.  If he kissed her, he knew they’d make love tonight.  And he knew that she knew it too. 

“I do.”  He whispered and she groaned, making all of his nerve endings stand on end.  “Fucking hell Rae, you have no idea how much I do.” 

“I do know how much you want me.”  She moaned softly.

“No…” he could barely breathe the words, “You don’t.”  He had to make himself pull away from her, even now he could see that vulnerability in her eyes, hear it in her voice.

“So show me.”  She asked him slowly her bottom lip grazing his slightly.  Phil had to close his eyes to try and get his impulses under control.  His cock was aching to be in her and he so desperately wanted to taste her.  He pulled his face away and stilled the movement of his hips.

“Tell me about Finn first.”  He said softy, “Then we can talk about this kiss.”  He saw the confusion in her eyes as she pulled away slightly, her hips becoming still, but neither of them letting go of the other one just yet. 

“We broke up.”  She whispered.  Phil felt his face reacting before he even knew what he was feeling.  He heard his voice speaking words before he even knew what he was going to say.

“Are you alright?”  He saw her confusion deepen, he supposed other guys would take that as an invitation, but he needed to be sure she was alright before he even considered it. 

“Sorry.”  She shook her head, “Um… not now, I wasn’t very clear.”  She grinned awkwardly, with no humour, “I meant at Christmas time.” 

“Oh.”  Phil said with better understanding.  “Alright.”  He hadn’t thought they were broken up by the way Finn was acting outside the school.  “So… why is that troubling you?”  He asked sympathetically.

“When we broke up…” She lowered her eyes, “I mean we weren’t together so I shouldn’t be upset...” He saw a tear drop from her eye to the pillow.

“He got with another girl.”  Phil just knew from her reaction and Finn’s reputation.  But more than that, Phil knew from his own experiences of dealing with not having Rae.  Slowly they both moved into a less sexual position, still hugging, still intimately close. 

“We was only apart for six days Phil!”  She said with a heartbreakingly sad voice.  Phil pulled her into his arms and let her cry silently for a while, gently stroking her hair.  “Did I mean that little to him?”  She whimpered.  Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath, ready to soothe her the best he could.

“I don’t think tha-”

“And he says that she shut him down and nothing happened.”  She fretted.  “He says even if she hadn’t of, he wouldn’t of gone through with it…”

“Do you believe him?”  He asked and she shrugged.

“How can I trust him now?  He took nine months to tell me something he says is nothing.”  He heard the despair in her voice and knew he could so easily turn her against Finn here.  All he had to say was he didn’t know if he himself would trust some one that did that.  And that would be it.  She was vulnerable, suggestible right now; the wrong, or right words, would stay with her.

“I don’t think Finn did any of this to hurt you, or because you meant nothing to him.”  Phil said slowly, “I think it’s quite the opposite.”  He saw her probing his face, looking for a lie, but there would be none, this was what he truly believed, “I think he has made some unbelievable mistakes.  But I think he got himself into a hyper-vigilant, hyper-aware state of frenzy over finally getting to have you.  And it made him not think straight.  I imagine he spends a good deal of his life hoping like hell he doesn’t lose you.”  He knew he would if he had her. 

“But why would he try and fuck a woman when we broke up?”  Rae pleaded with him to explain how Finn’s mind worked and Phil, strangely did not feel at all out of his depth.  He stroked her face longingly.

“Have you ever lost you?  Have you experienced not having you?”  She lowered her eyes and he was taken by how beautiful she truly was, and what a privilege it was to be allowed to see her like this; she was always so strong, she never let anyone see her cry.  “I think Rae… that he… did it to try and forget you.  To try and, I guess, fuck away the pain.”  He knew that’s what he was doing.  “It’s only a short term solution… cos as soon as you’re done, you fucking hate yourself.”  Phil told her, “But you know, you learn to deal with the self-hate pretty well.  And just get the relief of the fuck.” 

“Is that something boys just do?”  Rae asked him and he smiled grimly, still stroking her hair comfortingly.

“Some of us.”  He admitted.  “Some girls too.”

“Why?”  She sounded so confused.

“Sex feels good.  Really good.”  He told her, “You get to forget yourself and all your problems for a while.  And you feel wanted and almost loved… it’s wonderful to feel that way instead of the way you do feel.” 

“It’s just a way of coping with bad feelings.”  She reminded herself thinking about Olivia.

“Exactly.”  Phil agreed, “Why were you about to kiss me Rae?”  He asked her this to help highlight his point, not because he didn’t know why; he knew all too well why she was going to be with him that night.  Her eyes were still lowered, her breath tickling his face still, her hands fisted in his shirt for comfort. 

“To forget.”  She understood.  “To feel good… desirable.  It’s like, how can I compare to her…?”  Rae thought about Elsa, “So… I wanted to feel…”  She looked up at him, “Something other than what I were feeling.” 

“Same reasons some boys fuck around.”  He said, “When they can’t have the woman they’re in love with.” 

“I’m so sorry Phillip.”  He saw how upset she was and he shook his head. 

“Don’t even think about it.”  He said softly and he lowered her eyes.  “Do you think you wanted some revenge?”  He asked, “You know, you felt cheated on so…”

“I dunno.”  Rae said sadly, “I really hope I’m not that shallow.”

“Ah, so what if you are?”  Phil said comfortingly and she smiled sadly, “We all have our bad sides.” 

“You don’t.”  She said honestly and Phillip took a moment to store that compliment with all the other ones she’d ever given him before smiling grimly.

“Yes I do, I just hide them really well.”

“Like what?”  She asked, unimpressed with his assertion.

“Well… I can be a bit spineless, just ask my parents… always give in.”  He said with a wry grin, “And I’m far too good at lying.  And I don’t think I’m very brave.”  He said sadly, “I’d like to change that…” he took a deep breath, “I don’t know how to physically defend myself.  I’m stubborn to the point of hard-headedness sometimes.”  He told her, “I can be single-minded and unwilling to give up even when I know I should.”  He looked at her pointedly and she got the message clearly, “I can panic if I don’t immediately know the answer.  I…”  he lowered his eyes and his voice dropped so low that Rae could barely hear it, “I’ve used girls like Finn has… you know to numb my pain… which is quite abhorrent… but I don’t intend to stop.”

“Oh.”  Rae’s face was filled with sorrow for him and when he looked up at her he had to look down immediately; he couldn’t stand to see that look on her face. 

“Does it make you think less of me?”  His voice was fragile and he waited for her answer as if awaiting the guillotine. 

“No.”  She answered simply, “I was just about to do the same thing to you.”  She shrugged, “if I want forgiveness and to not be judged, how can I judge you for the same thing?”   

“Because you stopped.  And I won’t.”  Phillip felt numbness starting to creep through him.

“No I didn’t stop.  You did.”  Rae corrected him and he looked up at her, a kind of fierce joy burst into his chest at the way she looked at him with admiration, “You’re the one who stopped this from happening tonight.”  She whispered, “I guess Finn should say thank you to you.  Stopped his girl from…”

“I know you would have stopped yourself before we went too far.”  He reassured her, “And I didn’t do it for Finn.”  A long silence followed his words as they stared into each other’s eyes.

“Aye.”  Rae admitted slowly, “I guess I know that.”

“You’d never forgive yourself if you cheated on him out of vengeance or wanting to numb your bad feelings.”  He stroked her face, his thumb tracing along her lips, “If you were to kiss me because you had genuine feelings or desire for me… that’s something we could both enjoy, and you’d forgive yourself eventually.”  She watched his eyes go to her lips, the desire so clear in his eyes.  She was surprised that part of her still wanted to do it.  She didn’t understand why, she just knew that it felt good to be held by him, to know that he wouldn’t take advantage of her… To know she could trust him. 

“Yeah.”  She agreed in a small voice, still trying to understand her own feelings.

“And so would Finn.”  Phil said immutably with a dawning realisation of just what a good man Finn was. 

“You what?”  Rae asked surprised at his firm assertion.

“He’d forgive you Rae.”  Phil told her, knowing he was right, “If something were to happen between us… He’d forgive you in an instant.” 

“I don’t think so Phil.”  Rae answered and Phil shook his head.

“You know I think he’s expecting something to happen between us.”  Phil thought about the way Finn had talked to him earlier while she sat in the minivan and refused to look at him.  “He’s expecting it… he’s ready for it.”  Phil’s mind went over all the territory Finn’s mind must have traversed these past few months, seeking to understand Finn’s state of mind.

“I think you’d like it if he-”

“No Rae.”  Phil answered, “Finn Nelson is a fucking Neanderthal, I’ll never say otherwise.  But he loves you.  He loves you like all the great poets write about; without ego.  He really puts you first.  He’d forgive you because he knows if you were to do to something like this, it would be because you needed to.  And what you need comes first.”  Phillip shook his head in surprise, “I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t do for you Rae.”  Phil told her reassuringly.  “You can trust him.  The love he has for you is one of those rare things that barely anyone gets to see.”  Rae lowered her eyes, tears stinging her sharply, “Don’t ever doubt that he loves you.” 

“I know he does.”  She whispered, “And you?”  She looked back up at him.  Phil stared into her eyes longingly.

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you either.”  He admitted slowly. 

“Including not kiss me.”

“Including that.”  He nodded his head.  “But you should know that should the right circumstances arise Rae.  I will kiss you.  And you will feel…” He paused stroking her face, his eyes dropping to her lips.

“What will I feel Phillip?”  Her voice when she whispered was intoxicating.

“Now’s not the time to talk about all of this Rae.”  He looked back up at her eyes, “Got a big competition tomorrow.”  She nodded slowly and nestled into his arms to sleep.  She felt safe there.  She could trust him.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘The Unforgettable Fire’ by U2 _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYxQpxD3oQk>

 

Finn was already sweating when Rhys approached him, throwing the gloves at him without a word.  Finn caught them and put the jump rope on the seats. 

“You look like you got something up your arse again.”  Rhys said and Finn nodded, “Alright then, try and break my hand.”  Finn held up the pads and Finn started to punch as hard as he could. 

“Growing your hair out again?”  Finn asked as he saw the short sprout of growth across Rhys’s head. 

“Gotta cover me head for winter.”  Rhys grinned. 

“Just get a hat.”  Finn didn’t stop punching, “You look less terrifying to uptight middle class types when you’ve got hair.”  He teased.

“Damnit.”  Rhys said, “My life’s goals dashed.” 

“Put a black beanie on you though…” Finn started to chuckle, “And the fuzz’ll say you was asking for it.”  Rhys laughed. 

“Me wearing black clothes at all elicits that response from the police.” 

“Too much black for ‘em!”  Finn grinned, happy he was able to have these jokes with Rhys; being closer friends with him had taught him so much, he sometimes felt like his entire life had been lived with his eyes closed so far. 

“I was gonna go with too cool for ‘em Finlay!”  Rhys joked, “But you had to bring race into it.”  Finn had to stop boxing to laugh at that.  As if race was never an issue for Rhys when it came to the police.  When it came to most things in this world. 

“Well you know Rhys, as a white boy, I feel I have a unique perspective on race issues.”  Rhys laughed loudly, drawing multiple stares.  No one at Rhys’s work place had really heard him laugh before.  He was a serious man at the boxing joint. 

“I bet.”  He shook his head still chuckling.  “Come on Finn, no more laughter.  Break my hands.”  Finn set back in to thumping the pads with all his force.  After some time Finn was feeling nicely warmed up and Rhys started to move the pads and intersperse the movements with sweeps aimed at knocking Finn down.  It was fast paced and required a lot of concentration.  When Rhys had first started doing this with Finn the sweeps had been slow, one for every ten punches.  Then he got faster, harder, more random over the years; Finn was one of his few clients that made Rhys have to work for it because his skill level was high enough to occasionally challenge him.  If any of Rhys’s sweeps connected with Finn they’d knock him down instantly, the head level ones would knock him out cold.  Rhys was putting force into the sweeps; this was no pleasant bit of exercise, Finn often came out of his sessions banged up if he didn’t pay attention and maintain focus.  So of course, this was usually when Rhys made Finn talk.  Because fights were never in perfect situations that you could easily concentrate in.  Finn had to learn to do this all instinctively. 

“What’s on your mind?”

“Rae.”  Finn answered ducking a sweep, feeling the air move his hair, he’d only just missed getting his head knocked off by Rhys. 

“Why?”

“She found out I did something a while back, when we was split up that she don’t like.”  Rhys mixed things up with a hard shove and Finn fell back.  “Fuck.”  He felt winded but jumped up and went after Rhys’s pads again, punching them as hard and fast as he could. 

“D’you understand why she don’t like whatever you did?”

“Aye.”  Finn answered and jumped over the leg sweep, again barely missing it, Rhys had upped the difficulty again. 

“If she had done the same thing to you, would you have disliked it?” 

“I am fully expecting her to do worse over the next few days.”  Finn answered honestly. 

“You didn’t answer my question.”  Rhys noted. 

“I don’t like that it’s gonna happen.”  Finn said, “But I accept it.”  Rhys’s arm came crashing down onto his shoulder, Finn not fast enough to miss it.  “Fuck!”  He rotated his shoulder slightly, feeling the damage, and then put his fists back up.  But Rhys stopped.

“You know the rules; if I hit you hard, we stop.”

“It was a graze!”  Finn brushed it off.

“Yeah that’s why your arm’s dropping.”  Rhys shook his head and Finn had to admit it was hard holding his arm up to the proper height when his shoulder was screaming out in pain like that.  He sighed angrily and took his gloves off. 

“We gotta have another bare knuckles fight soon.”  Finn reminded him that he’d promised to start street fighting training again.

‘I know.”  Rhys put the pads away, “Let’s run.”  Finn groaned.  Rhys always made him run intervals; sprinting forward to a set point and then sprinting back to him to keep running until he was sent off to sprint again.  And Rhys always found all the hills in town and made sure to go up them all.  They set off at a steady pace for Rhys, which was quite a bit harder for Finn to maintain. 

“Do you want to talk about this shit or something else?”  Rhys asked as he mentally prepared their route.

“This shit.”  Finn answered, “Just not sure what to say.”  His breath was slightly short from the pace Rhys was setting, but he was still able to just talk.

“What did you do?”  Rhys kept his eyes forward, but felt Finn studying his face and after a long pause turned his face to look at him.  “What?”

“Just wondering what all the rules are with polyamory and all that stuff.”  Finn said slowly, his eyes clearly appraising Rhys. 

“If this is about the kiss with Chloe, I am already aware of it.”  Rhys answered, “And I-”

“Not about Chloe.”  Finn panted slightly.  Rhys narrowed his eyes and tried to think why else Finn had appraise him like that.

“Elsa…?”  He sounded genuinely surprised and turned his eyes to Finn to see him nodding slightly.  Rhys stopped and Finn overshot him and had to come back to him.  “You fucked around with Elsa?”  He asked shaking his head.

“This is before I knew you two were-”

“This isn’t about me!”  Rhys shot back, “It’s about you fucking around with Rae’s idol.”  Finn’s mental process stopped and he dropped his head in shame, slowly nodding.  “Did you know how much Rae admires her when you did it?” 

“Kinda.”  Finn said, “I knew she liked Elsa a lot and that she looked up to h-”

“Sometimes you’re a fucking idiot Finn.”  Rhys told him.

“Oh aye, I know.”  Finn answered humourlessly.  Rhys started to run again, setting the pace slightly slower for Finn.

“I am very surprised Elsa let you-”

“She didn’t.”  Finn was glad to add, “She shut me down.  But I still got a little bit of…” He didn’t need to finish the sentence. 

“It’s been a while since you two were broken up.”  Rhys noted, “You took a long time to tell her.”

“Which makes it look a lot worse than it was.”  Finn sighed, “I realise that now.  But at first, I thought, cos we was broken up when it happened that it didn’t matter so much.” 

“I understand why you didn’t tell her.”  Rhys nodded slowly, “I also understand why she is so upset.”  Finn groaned as he saw a huge hill ahead, of course. 

“I just wish I hadn’t had to tell her about Elsa afore she went off to spend three nights with Phillip.”  Rhys made a small noise in the back of his throat. 

“Are you broken up again?”  Rhys asked.

“No.”  Finn answered, “I don’t think so.”  He corrected.

“So you are expecting her to cheat on you?”  Rhys asked as supportively as he could; the concept of cheating was fairly foreign to him, he didn’t do relationships like Finn did.   

“Aye.”  Finn answered slowly.  “Although it’s not really like that.”  He tried to explain, “I told her she could do whatever she wanted with Phil, no questions asked, at this dinner thing we planned… But before the Elsa thing, I figured she’d probably give Phil a bit of a kiss.  But I know she’ll probably sleep with him now.  And that’s ok.”  He shook his head and Rhys again stopped to look at him. 

“A few months ago you were making an arse of yourself because Phil dared to want to give Rae a hug.  Now it’s ok for them to have sex?”  Rhys asked, checking carefully for the frame of mind of his friend; big changes like this could mean something negative.

“I did say last week that I’d let her sleep with someone if she needed to, Rhys.”  Finn reminded him.

“There’s a big difference between words and deeds.”  Rhys kept his eyes on Finn. 

“Look Rhys, I understand why Rae needs this.”  He shrugged.

“Enlighten me.”  Rhys said carefully, wanting to ensure Finn’s head was screwed on right. 

“Rae’s father abandoned her, so she has a pretty shit relationship with men.”  Finn answered and Rhys narrowed his eyes slightly.  “And Linda’s nice enough, but seriously, she’s a scatter brain and sometimes she can be right selfish.”  Finn continued, “So Rae never got the love she needed growing up.”  Finn gave a grim smile, “Add to that a world that tells her she is ugly, undesirable, unlovable… It was such a shock to her that someone could want her like I do.”  Finn’s eyes went off to the side as he remembered their first kiss.  “She can’t believe someone could find her beautiful.  It was such a joyous thrill for her to be loved and desired.  I could see it in her eyes.”  Finn grinned, “And she finds it so hard to believe that anyone could feel like that about her that she doesn’t see people like hot Mike being genuinely interested in her.  And here we have Phil, so obvious, even she can see it.  Why wouldn’t I want her to get joy from being wanted and loved by other people as well as me?”

“It’s nice for one person to find you attractive.”  Rhys understood, “Nicer if many do.”

“Especially if you’ve been told you don’t deserve it, you’re not worthy of it, you know?  And extra especially if it’s never happened to you before.  I think it produces a hunger in her.”  Finn said slowly, “A need to be loved.”  Finn wished he could have a cigarette, “And I’ll give her all my love, but if she needs more, then I will make sure she gets it.”  Finn said firmly, “I love her more than I love myself and what I want.  I will make sure she always has what she needs, what she wants… whatever makes her happy.”  Rhys nodded his head slowly, “And plus I don’t want her to feel like she owes me something you know?  For being the fit lad who loves the fat girl.”  Finn shook his head, “Like I’ve done her a favour or something.  I always got the feeling that she felt that way.  Like she’s so hard to love and I’m going through something awful to be with her.  She’s even said shite like that.”  Finn scrunched up his nose in thought, “I want her to know that she is perfect and loveable and desirable.  Exactly the way she is.  And if that means she needs to fuck Bill then so be it.”  He shrugged with a wry grin.

“Why are you so sure something will happen while they are away?”  Rhys started them jogging again. 

“Cos he’s gonna declare his love for her.” 

“And I suppose that means she has to choose one of you…?”  Rhys asked and Finn nodded, “I don’t see how that leads to her fucking him.”

“Well before the Elsa debacle it didn’t.”  Finn grimaced, “But now I bollocksed it up so completely, she’ll be feeling like she’s in competition with Elsa and she’ll want to feel desirable and like she can trust someone.”  Rhys made another small noise, considering it. 

“Are you not worried, then, that she will choose him?” 

“Oh of course I am.”  Finn answered, “I’m a good man… But Phil is a better man I think.” 

“Why do you say that?”

“He’s loved her selflessly from the beginning, not that he realised it.  But he knows it now.”  Finn said sadly.  “I’m only just getting me head around it.”  Rhys made one of his noises and Finn smiled fondly.

“How d’you think Rae would have taken it if within a month of going out, you told her that you were ok with her sleeping with other people?”  Finn thought about this for a long moment.

“She would o’ thought I didn’t love her.  That I were saying it cos I wanted to fuck other people.”  Finn realised, “It would o’ destroyed her.” 

“You know that Darwinian saying ‘survival of the fittest?’”  Finn nodded in reply to Rhys’s unexpected question, “It’s misquoted.”  He said, “It actually ‘survival of the best adapted.’”  Rhys gave him a wry grin, “In all the time I’ve known Rae, you’ve been the best adapted to her changing needs.  And her to yours.  It doesn’t matter how evolved Phillip is, how fit he is, how ahead of you you think he is… you’re the one who’s best adapted to Rae.” 

“You sure you’re not a secret monogamist?”  Finn laughed. 

“I’m really not!”  Rhys laughed with him, “In my kind of relationship, you and Rae would have the primary relationship.  And Phil would serve his own secondary function for Rae, or you, or both of you.  And he would be aware of that… perhaps he’d have other arrangements like this, or his own primary relationship…” 

“Like a huge spider web.”  Rhys nodded slowly.  “Well if that’s what she wants, that’s what I’ll give to her.”  Finn said with an enigmatic smile, “Cos I think our relationship is solid enough to survive all of this; monogamy, polyamory, fighting, fucking, whatever… even if she chooses him over me… we’ll still survive it.”  Rhys furrowed his brows at Finn.  “We’re forever.  Even if we have to take time apart for something, like Phil, or work, or whatever… we’re forever.” 

“Forever isn’t a-”

“Yeah yeah yeah.”  Finn brushed off Rhys’s sure to be philosophical words, “I know what kind o’ thing you’ll say to that, and I don’t care.  Rae and I are forever.”  He told Rhys firmly.

“Of course.”  Rhys said with a bemused grin. 

“That’s fucking right.”  Finn said with a mock stern voice that Rhys accepted silently with a small grin.  They jogged in silence, Rhys increasing the speed markedly, making Finn work hard, before starting the interval training. 

They were heading back to the boxing joint at a hard, fast run, Finn panting heavily, Rhys even a little short of breath when Finn remembered something he wanted to mention to Rhys. 

“How’s the shoulder?”  Rhys asked as he checked the time and grabbed his bottle of water.

“Heaps better.”  Finn lied and Rhys gave him a sardonic smile. 

“Alright, let’s get you on the bag then.”  They headed out across the gym to Rhys’s training area.  The boxing joint was set up for each of the full time trainers to have their own training areas.  Tom shared his with Jim; most of the training areas were shared.  But both Rhys and Dean had their own.  They walked past the dozen boxing rings they had, the two separate weight training areas, and all the various boxing bags hanging from the ceiling. 

“So I heard a little rumour that you didn’t take no for an answer from Elsa…?”  Finn teased and Rhys turned his face to Finn as they crossed the huge area. 

“I was 16 when I first decided to pursue her.”  Rhys answered, “I know better now.”  He shook his head slowly.  “And I didn’t chase her down and harass her until she gave in.”  Rhys clarified, “I just asked her under what circumstances would she change her mind.  And then I made sure I was with her when that change happened.”  He grinned slightly, “Didn’t mention it to her again until the circumstances changed.”

“I bet you thought about it though.”  Finn enjoyed how Rhys opened up to him more lately. 

“Every fucking day!”  They laughed.  “She is remarkable.”  Rhys nodded slowly, “I have been very lucky to know her well.” 

“Is it just me… or is she kinda uncompromising?”

“Extremely uncompromising!”  Rhys agreed, “That’s part of her charm.”  He grinned, “I like uncompromising people.”  He added, “People who won’t soften their own rough edges or deny what they want simply to make others love them.”  Finn was suddenly struck by the thought of Elsa telling him to make an exception to his heterosexuality and turned to look at Rhys.  He had an incredible and enviable physique; that solid muscle was something Finn aspired to.  He supposed Rhys was attractive.  Finn furrowed his brows and looked away, shaking his head at himself, breaking out into a grin. 

“What?”  Rhys noticed the movement as they got to his training area.

“Elsa told me to get gay with you.”  Finn said with a shrug, “I were thinking about it.”  Rhys cocked an eyebrow at him, and gave a look as though he were considering it for the first time.  They both shrugged and Finn laughed, grabbing his boxing gloves as Rhys grabbed the bag to steady it for him. 

“Move me.”  Rhys ordered and Finn nodded, understanding that Rhys wanted Finn to hit and kick the bag hard enough to drive Rhys back.  It felt good to be boxing, to have been honest with Rhys today, to be calm about Rae.  Although he missed her like nothing else.  He didn’t like to think about her while he boxed; it made his hitting softer when he thought about her beautiful lips when they smiled, and the way her eyes lit up when she was happy… when she saw him.  So he pushed her from his mind along with everything else, letting himself go completely blank as he worked to move Rhys. 

Fifteen minutes later Rhys was walking him to the change rooms.

“Da wants to know when the account’s paid to?”  Finn asked; his father still paid for his training.

“He’s paid up until January.”  Rhys replied.  They stopped outside of the change rooms, Rhys about to say goodbye before going to meet his next client. 

“How’s the business going?”  Finn asked quietly.

“We’ve bought the boxing joint.”  Rhys answered, Finn’s face instantly lit up, “and the neighbouring building.  Paperwork gets finalised today.”

“Seriously?”  Finn was surprised and excited.

“It made sense to get rid of the competition.”  Rhys continued, “The pool is going in the neighbouring building, then we’re gonna upgrade this place.  And re-open it.”

“Are you gonna sack Dean?”

“He’s on a contract.”  Rhys said with an unimpressed tone, “He’s out as soon as it’s over.” 

“This is fucking exciting!” 

“I won’t celebrate until the paperwork is finalised.”  Rhys countered. 

“Of course.”  Finn rolled his eyes, but the grin never left his face, “Congratulations Rhys!” 

“Gotta come up with a better name than ‘the boxing joint,’” Rhys answered looking around at the place.  “To be honest, this place is kind of a second home.”  Finn understood.  “We’ll need a replacement for Dean.”  Rhys said, his eyes on Finn and Finn knew exactly what he was meaning. 

“Count me in.”  Rhys gave Finn a grateful smile, and they shook hands and Rhys left, heading out to his next client, Finn went into the change rooms alone, his mood both elated and deflated. 

He missed her.  And this was so much worse than just not having sex with her.

Not seeing her, not sleeping next to her…

He’d die from this if it went on too long.  And it was only the first day. 

He missed her.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Dots on the Shells’ by Yothu Yindi _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdYiMFa-uD4>

 

Elsa fixed Phil with a stern look as they all crowded in around the table for breakfast.

“You look tired.”  She said unimpressed.

“I prefer my own bed.”  He answered dryly.  He had barely slept, holding him to her all night, stroking her hair if she stirred until she fell back asleep, and gently releasing her when everyone stirred in the morning, so as to not start any rumours.  He was under no illusions as to where he stood with Rae, but that didn’t change his feelings for her.  He was starting to wish more often that he could stop loving her, but he knew that was something he could never do.  He envied those that could seem to stop loving others sometimes. 

They had all had rapid showers, still sharing the same room; laughing and joking to cover their nerves. 

“How did everyone else sleep?”  She asked with an astute grin and was greeted with a round of ‘fines’. 

Rae could barely eat, she was terrified.

“Whose idea was this?”  She grumbled to Phillip.  “Stupid idea.”

“It’s just stage fright.”  He smiled fondly at her as she scowled at her breakfast. 

“Right,” Elsa looked over the paperwork, “Here’s the order of our performances.”  She handed a form to Izzy.

“Last!”  Izzy looked at Sam and pulled a face.

“Both good and bad.”  Elsa acknowledged, “You gotta see everyone else, try and keep your energy up… but you’re the last thing the judges see.’  She told them.

“Second.”  Josh nodded, “That’s the best spot.”  He grinned at Candace, “No first go nerves… early enough for the judges to not be asleep!” 

“But there’s a lot to follow you.”  Elsa warned them, “So you gotta be memorable.”  She gave the last piece of paper to Phillip and Rae leaned over him, Phillip acutely aware of everywhere their bodies touched.

“Oh no.”  Rae’s face dropped and Elsa gave a grim nod.

“Dead in the middle.”

“Dead’s right.”  Phil said, “Worst possible position.”

“The judges are already tired from the whole morning, they’re keen to get out to lunch… there’s heaps to follow you… it’s called the forgettable position for a reason.”  Elsa agreed. 

“Well we’re fucked!”  Rae gave an awkward laugh. 

“I’ve seen brilliant pieces be completely forgotten in this position…” Elsa told them, “You have got to be utterly brilliant, captivating, original and completely memorable to be in with the slimmest of chances.”  Elsa told them, “So I still expect you to win.”

 

 

Rae sat down next to Phil in the seats at the back of the audience that were reserved for the performers.  They had decided to watch a few performances before returning to the hotel to practice.  Sam and Izzy were sitting in the row in front of them, running lines quietly.  Josh and Candace were backstage already, even though the house wasn’t live yet, and Elsa was with them for now; she’d have to leave the backstage area when it all started.  The entire theatre was empty except for a few technicians in the catwalks above the seating sorting out the lighting for the performances and the four of them. 

“Oh shit.”  Rae looked out across the hundreds of empty seats.  “How big is this theatre?”

“440 seats.”  Phil always knew his theatres. 

“It’s bigger than I thought it’d be.”  Rae felt a knot of fear in her stomach. 

“Yeah, four times as big as the little 100 seater back home.”  Phil grinned, missing her rising panic. 

“How many people do you reckon will come?”

“They have 300 seats for this thing available to the public apparently.”  Phil shrugged, “And I think there are about 50 or 60 comp tickets too.” 

“Comp tickets?”

“Complimentary.  Freebies to people they want to have come.  Sometimes you get talent scouts and agents coming to things like this if there’s enough buzz surrounding the performance levels that year.  But that’ll be tomorrow, not today.”  Rae’s heart started to thud in her chest, the blood pounding in her ears.  Phillip felt her getting tense and turned to look at her, he realised that she was panicked as soon as he looked at her.

“I don’t think I can do it.”  She got up and fled the theatre, trying to find a hidden place to try and calm down.  Phil jumped up and followed. 

He caught up to her in the back hallways of the theatre in a quiet corner, still trying to find the toilets. 

“Rae?”  He asked and she turned away from him.  He felt frozen on the spot as she put her hands on the wall, her breath coming in short gasps, she was muttering to herself.  “What can I do?”  He whispered helplessly. 

“Something solid.”  She muttered to herself, “You’re alright.  Just self sooth.  And feel the solid wall.” 

“Self sooth…” Phillip grabbed hold of those words, “I’ve got a really good technique for self-soothing.  It’s supposedly a type of self-hypnosis.  That’s probably bollocks… I am waffling.”  He realised his anxiety to help her was getting the better of him and that that would not be helping her.  “So basically, you just close your eyes and count backwards from 100, but you take a deep breath, say the number and then let the breath out.  Pause and then do it again with the next number.”  He told her, not sure if she was hearing him.  “Do you wanna try it?”  He didn’t wait for her to respond, not sure if she was able to.  “100.” He said and she put her forehead on the wall and took a deep breath.

“100.” Her voice was high and shaky.

“That’s great Rae.  Slowly let your breath out.  Pause.”  She nodded rapidly and he had to resist the urge to pull her into his arms.  He didn’t think that would help at all.  “Deep breath now.  Imagine your lungs are a glass and you need to fill them with water.  A glass fills from the bottom.”  He watched her stomach and chest expand with the deep breath. 

“99.” She said without prompting and let the breath out. 

“Focus on the inside of your eyelids.”  He said in a soft voice as she took another deep breath.

“98.” 

He got to 79 before she was alright.  But she managed to shut everything else out, just the inside of her eyelids, her breath and her voice counting herself down existed.  It was surprisingly effective.  She kept going until she got to 60, to make sure she was ok, before turning to Phillip, leaning against the wall closer to him so they could talk as softly as being in a theatre but not on the stage dictated.

“Thanks.”  She kept her eyes lowered.

“Don’t think that deserves a thanks, I was mostly useless.”  He gave her a small smile as she looked up at him. 

“You taught me the counting thing.” 

“Yeah, but that only works if you’re able to focus.”  He said apologetically.  “I’d’ve been worse than no use if you’d had a full out panic attack.”  He realised this as he said it.  “But I can learn.”  He said determined.

“It’s not your job to learn that kinda stuff Phil.”  She lowered her eyes again, obviously embarrassed.

“It’s a good skill to have.”  He shrugged off her embarrassment.  “You’re not the only person with anxiety.”  He reassured her.  “Do you want to talk about the theatre yet?”

“No.”  She said quickly.

“Alright, something else?”

“Thanks for last night.”  She said softly and Phil very suddenly became acutely aware of their closeness.  The dark hallway was deserted except for them.  He lowered his eyes and then looked away.  This was not the time to be thinking like this. 

“It’s no big deal Rae.”

“No but it is.  You could have so easily-”

“Become a regret for you.”  He said honestly.  “I don’t want to be a regret Rae.” 

“You’re one of a kind Phil.”  She said with a thankful smile, “I’m glad I met you.” 

“It is one of the greatest joys of my life to have your friendship Rae.”  Phillip told her honestly, “I wouldn’t want anything to destroy it.” 

“Well we’ll just make sure nothing ever does.”  She said with a grin that made Phil’s insides squirm delightedly with love. 

“Promise?”  He returned the grin.

“Do you?”  Phil paused, knowing that he would be telling her he loved her tomorrow night.  The outcome of that might change everything. 

“Yeah, I promise.”  He said firmly; he wouldn’t let it change everything. 

“Me too.”  She put her arms around his waist and they shared a hug.  A hug that very close friends would share.  Nothing more.  And Phillip’s entire being ached for so much more.  “Wanna head back in?” 

“Yeah, let’s check out the competition?”  They shared a wry grin and Rae linked arms with Phil before they headed back in. 

They sat back down behind Izzy and Sam, neither of them having noticed them leaving, they were too intent on running their lines.  Audience members were starting to mill in, Rae looked at Phil’s watch.

“Late start.”  He agreed.  Rae leaned forward to Izzy and Sam, “House is live.”  She told them and they both looked up at the people finding seats near the stage.  Izzy sighed.

“Right, better be quiet.”  She said grimly.  They shouldn’t have been in the seating when the audience were let in and Rae and Phil gave each other a worried look, both hoping it wouldn’t count against them.  But they looked over to the other side of the theatre and saw other students from other school’s sitting around too. 

They had been in the theatre since 7am, they got to do a blocking run; a quick run through of their movement queues on the stage, listen to a safety and rules talk and go over the running order.  The judges were introduced to them and they’d been allocated their backstage spaces.  Izzy, Candace and Rae shared a tiny corner in the change rooms in front of the mirror.  The boys had a similar set up. 

There were 60 duologues to get through, each no longer than 10 minutes.  They were supposed to be starting at 8am, but they were going to be late, and there was an hour lunch at 1pm.  It was going to be a long day, and word wouldn’t be sent until 8 or 9 at night as to who got through to the finals.  Only 15 duologues would make it to the finals tomorrow, the judges also had the option of interviewing the students for motivation, characterisation, script interpretation and anything else they wanted to ask on the shorter day. 

The competition only ended up starting 15 minutes late, with a fairly decent sized audience.  At first Rae’s stomach was in her throat with nerves, but after only a few moments she was watching the performances with a critical eye.

“I’m seeing some trends.”  Rae whispered after the fourth duologue.  Phil nodded.

“They’re all rushing, even the ones that are slower.”  He whispered.  “It’s normal for people to speed up on stage, you even hear it with bands and the like.  But it takes real nerve to slow down and make an audience wait for you.”

“Real nerve and talent.”  Rae said, “To know how to read an audience.  To know when you can get away with making them wait.”  Phil nodded, “also their characters are kinda shallow.”

“Most duologue characters are.”  Phil said with a grim face.

“But we can add more to ours.”  Rae said slowly and saw Phil’s mind start to tick over.  “We need to show a deeper understanding of our characters, and the issues in our piece.” 

“Up for a late script change?”  Phil grinned and Rae nodded

“Let’s go somewhere we can talk.”  Rae got up before Phil had a chance to respond.  They left the theatre and headed back to the hotel to work on their script and performance, Rae’s anxiety completely gone as she focussed on the task at hand.  She sat on the bed as Phil grabbed a pen and their script.

“You know what’s wrong with their acting?”  Rae said, “It’s that you can tell they’re acting.  It’s like Elsa said, they list their lines like a shopping list to remember, rather than speaking them like people speak every day.” 

“Yeah and you can see the heavy handed characterisation.”  Phil added.  “You almost see the cogs working over in their heads; ‘this is what my character wants, so therefore I have to do this.’”

“Yeah that figuring out a characters motives stuff…” Rae thought about it for a while, “But it’s so basic innit?  It’s not really becoming the character like you’re s’pose to.”  She shook her head, “No one thinks, ‘this is what I want so I’ll act this way’ or ‘this is my history so I feel that way.’” 

“You’re totally right.”  Phil’s eyes opened wider.  “Thinking like that makes sure the characters are always obviously being acted rather than looking real…”

“You know, if you’re chased by a lion in real life, you’re not thinking; ‘my motivation for running is that I’m being chased by a lion...’” Rae grinned, feeling like she finally got what Elsa had been saying about becoming character completely, so that the lines didn’t feel like lines but felt like what you would just naturally say, “You’re thinking. ‘FUCK!!! SHIT FUCK!!! AAAARGGGHHH!!!’”

“We need to re-characterise, Rae.”  Phillip aid with a determined grimace, “properly.”  He looked at his watch, “And we’ve only got about 2 hours.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Under the Milky Way’ by The Church _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA54NBtPKdI>

 

Finn sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room and watched Archie going over clothes to pack. 

“Still not packed?”

“I keep having moments where I think something I’ve packed is too obviously gay.”  He sighed.

“Your clothes aren’t gay Archie,” Fin told him, “They’re just bits o’ material.”

“There are still parts of the world where you can be jailed, flogged, executed for being gay.”  Archie said, “We’re going to a couple of places where being gay is illegal… I’d rather just play it safe you know?” 

“Maybe you shouldn’t go to those places?” 

“Finn, that’s not right!”  Archie furrowed his brows.

“I’m not saying it’s right or fair.  I’m just saying I don’t want nothing to happen to you.” 

“Nothing will, don’t worry!”  Archie grinned.  “We’re travelling as ‘cousins’ in those countries, and I’m even packing Vaseline instead o’ lube, so they’ll never know.”

“You’re gonna have sex in those countries?”  Finn’s face showed his concern and Archie gave him a reassuring smile.

“As little as possible.”  Archie said, “But Tom’s sex drive won’t cope going too long without.  We’ll be super careful though.” 

“Just make sure you both get back home, alright?”

“We’ll be fine.”  Archie shook his head; everyone was fretting more now that they date for them leaving was getting close. 

“I heard some stuff coming out of Egypt…?” Finn looked so worried that Archie stopped packing to sit on the bed opposite him.

“Yeah there’s some stuff happening, but nothing for us to worry about, alright?”

“Alright.”  Finn accepted Archie’s reassurance, “Just remember you’re me best mate.  I won’t do well without you, alright?”

“Alright.”  Archie grinned, “But honestly, it’s just a bit o’ travelling.  We’ll be fine.”  Archie got up to continue packing.  “How you going without Rae?”  He asked, “Skipping school already.” 

“Aye I’m not going if she’s not there.”  Finn shrugged.  “I miss her.  It’s worse cos…”  He paused and sighed, “We kinda had some words afore she went.”

“Another argument?”

“Not really.”  Finn shrugged, “More my past mistakes biting me on the arse.”

“Oh right?  What’d you do this time?”  Archie’s eyebrows raised as Finn hesitated to respond. 

“I might of… tried to fuck Elsa…”

“What the fuck?”  Archie’s jaw dropped. 

“When we was broken up over Christmas… might have gone over to Elsa’s right after we broke up and tried to…”

“You are un-fucking-believable.”  Archie shook his head, “On the day you broke up?”  Finn nodded, “Couldn’t even give it a day afore you tried to get your dick in someone else?” 

“Yeah alright!”  Finn said with an unimpressed look.

“Oi, don’t give me that fucking look; you know I’m right!” 

“I were a fucking mess alright?”  Finn retorted.

“Alright, and the answer to that of course, is to fuck someone.”

“I’m not saying it were the right thing to do… just that… it were a coping mechanism.”  Archie shook his head.

“Right, and you know what Rae was doing to cope?” 

“Aye I know.”  Finn lowered his eyes, remembering the diary entry from that time that he’s read. 

“Even when she turned to Liam to deal with being alone, she at least waited a few weeks, you know?  And it weren’t till you went to Leeds that she-”

“I know!”  Finn said sternly, “I know it were a fuck up!”  Finn said grumpily.

“And with Elsa!  What were you thinking?”

“I weren’t thinking.”

“Obviously.”  Archie folded up a shirt and put it in his backpack.  “Maybe you went there cos in the back o’ your head you knew she’d shut you down.”  Archie mused, “You could o’ just as easily gone to Olivia or Chloe and gotten some…”  Archie sighed and Finn appreciated his best mate’s ability to understand him.  “I suppose it could have been worse.  How did Rae find out?”

“She kinda guessed, I were being too proud of me closeness to Elsa I guess.”

“Yeah I noticed that too.  I was wondering…”  Archie shook his head, “How’d she take it?” 

“Better than I’d hoped.”  Finn nodded slowly, considering this.  “She needs some time alone to think though.”

“And she’s got that I suppose.”

“Except she’s not alone… she’s with Phil.”  Archie looked up from his packing at Finn.

“So she’s in an incredibly emotional state, in which she needs time alone to get her head on straight… and Phil’s there?”  Archie looked Finn up and down, “You’re very calm right now…”

“Expecting me to be smashing shit over something I can’t change and have no control over?” 

“That’s what you’ve been doing so far.”

“Aye and it hasn’t really done much for me, has it?”  Finn grinned, “I’m surprisingly alright.”  He added.

“Phil’s gonna try it on with her… you know that right?”

“Aye I do.”  Finn grinned, “And she’ll probably sleep with him.  Which will be difficult and messy.  But we’ll be alright.”  He shrugged. 

“Are you serious?”  Archie sat down on the bed again and stared at Finn.  But before Finn had chance to speak, Archie continued, “You think Rae’s gonna fuck him…?” 

“Probably.”  Finn shrugged.  “It’s not like I want it to happen!”  Finn said to Archie’s disbelieving face.  “I just accept that it probably will.”

“You honestly think Rae’s just gonna fuck Phil…?  What, outta revenge or misery or…?” Archie shook his head confused, “Why d’you think she’d do that?”

“Cos Phillip is gonna take her out to dinner to declare his love for her on Tuesday, and she is going to need to feel beautiful after-”

“After mercilessly comparing herself to Elsa since the moment she found out.”  Archie finished of the sentence and sighed.  “I guess I can see why you think it’d happen, but I don’t think she’d cheat.”  He shook his head, unable to think about it. 

“Except I told her she could do whatever she wanted no questions asked.”  Finn said, “So it’s not cheating.”  Finn took a deep breath.  He’d told her that when he thought it was just going to be a kiss.  Now he almost regretted giving her the freedom to do whatever she wanted.  Except he could never regret giving her anything she needed, even if what she needed was Phil. 

“What?”  Archie watched Finn shrug.  “I don’t understand how you went from almost insanely jealous to… this…”

“It’s just some stuff clicked in me head Archie.”  Finn said, “It’s not right to be jealous and possessive.  I get it… I see what I was, and I feel deep inside that I’ll be happier if I’m the opposite o’ that.  And the opposite o’ trying to own someone, is giving them complete freedom.”  He shrugged again.  “And I am actually happier like this so far.”  He gave a slight grin, “Which surprises me.” 

“If you’re alright with it, are you two moving away from monogamy?” 

“No I don’t think so.”  Finn furrowed his brows.  “Unless she really wants or needs to.  But I want monogamy.  I suspect she will too.”  Finn watched Archie’s confused face, “I think this thing with Phil is an anomaly.  I think Rae will be keen to be monogamous after she’s gotten it out of her system.”  Finn shrugged.  “I’m keen to give her whatever she needs either way.”  Archie considered this for a moment then nodded.

“You make compromises in a relationship.”  He agreed.

“Oh this isn’t compromise, this is utter capitulation!”  Finn laughed.  “But I don’t mind.”  Finn watched Archie packing for a moment.  “How’s everything in your life?”

“Really good.”  Archie gave a satisfied grin.  “I’m so excited about this journey Finn!  I’ve repacked about eight times.”  He looked in his backpack and sighed, “I’m a bit nervous too.  It’s my first time traveling without my parents.”  Archie had been to France with his parents, “Tom’s first time leaving the UK.”

“D’you remember when we was little how we made that plan to go backpack around Scotland?”  Finn chuckled, “What a grand adventure!”  He joked.  Archie laughed.

“We should still do that.”

“Oh aye?”  Finn asked surprised.

“I reckon it’d be great fun.”  Archie grinned, “Just the two of us!”

“Alright, you’re on!”  Finn held out a hand to shake and Archie took it.

“After uni?”

“After uni.”  He agreed and they shook hands.  “

“Have to leave Rae and Tom behind…” Archie mused.

“I’m sure they’ll entertain each other.”  Finn shrugged.

“Tom’s gonna struggle.”  Archie contemplated. 

“You what?”  Finn asked with a strange grin, “Is he that dependent on you?”

“No… he’s very independent.  I meant the sex drive.  He’s a fucking beast on heat Finn!”  Archie laughed. 

“Oh right.”  Finn nodded, “A bit like me huh?” 

“Now that you mention it… But kinda twice as bad.”  Archie went through the medications bag he had and realised they should probably take some rehydration solution.  “Lucky we don’t have redgate to deal with.”

“Me either anymore.”  Finn declared happily.  “So…. You don’t miss school?”

“No I fucking don’t!”  Archie laughed.  “I thought I would, but it’s such a fucking relief to not have to go back there.”  He looked over at Finn, “You should know.” 

“When I left I were fucking heartbroken Archie.  I weren’t thinking about the plus side of quitting College.” 

“So you guys re actually alright?”

“Aye.”  Finn nodded, leaning back in the chair nonchalantly.  “I already know exactly how the conversation’ll go when I see her on Wednesday.”  Finn bit his thumbnail carelessly, “I’ve even figured out what sorts o’ things I’m gonna say to make her feel better.” 

“Got it all worked out then?” 

“Aye.”

“What if she picks Phillip.”  Archie looked him square in the eyes, “Thought of that?”

“If she picks Phil, it’ll be my turn to annoy the fuck outta him.”  Finn grinned, “Cos no matter what, Rae and I’ll always end up back together.”  Finn answered confidently.

“What if you’re wrong?” 

“I’m not.”

“What if she loves him?”

“I already know she does.”  Finn shrugged and gave a slightly smug smile.  “I know she might pick him, Archer.  I’ve had this discussion with Rhys already.  If it makes her happy, I’ll abide by it.”

“And wait around for her like Phil…”  Archie watched Finn shrug with an enigmatic grin, “But if she don’t want you no more, wouldn’t you wanna be with someone who does?” 

“Arch, stop worrying; we’re fine.”  Finn told him firmly, “I got this one figured out.  For once in me fucking life, I know what’s going on.”

“Alright.”  Archie answered unconvinced and counted how many pairs of underwear he had. 

“Alright.”  Finn mocked and Archie threw a pair of socks at his head.  Finn caught the socks and tossed them back gently with a grin.  They shared a moment of silence before Finn decided to broach a topic he’d been meaning to ask Archie for a while.  “I… I saw some bruises on Tom’s thighs.”  Finn said as matter-of-factly as he could and Archie looked over at him momentarily before looking back at his packing.

“And?”  Archie tried to not get defensive; he knew Finn had done the best job out of everyone at accepting his and Tom’s unusual relationship.  Out of all of the gang, Chop and Izzy were the only two that had ended up in a conventional relationship.  Finn had ended up with a bigger girl and Archie had seen firsthand the way people judged that, and they were quite experimental, and possibly moving towards an open relationship.  Chloe had ended up in an inter-racial open relationship with Rhys, whose sexuality was undefined, but obviously very open.  And he himself had ended up in a gay sadomasochistic relationship with a Greek god nymphomaniac… Sometimes it was hard to not get defensive when the majority of the gang seemed to need to defend themselves and their love so often. 

“I…” Archie watched his best mate hesitate, then overcome his fear, “I kinda liked ‘em.”  Finn bit the inside of his cheek.  “They looked good.”  He winced slightly, “Do I sound a bit fucked up?”

“Nah.”  Archie shrugged, “Tom likes us both to always have a mark on us.  I’m not so fussed about leaving marks.”  Archie sat on the bed, needing to take a moment away from the packing, “I don’t like the pain as much as Tom, but I love overcoming it and I like control and power play much more than Tom.  Tom’s not so fussed by power.  He liked pain, a lot of pain, and to leave a mark.  He’s talking about getting a branding or a tattoo of my name on him.”  Archie grinned.  “He wants me to do it to him!”  He chucked, “Love that fucking crazy man.” 

“Are you gonna?”

“Yeah, it’ll make him happy, so why not?  And I’ll definitely enjoy doing it to him.” 

“Will you get a tattoo of his name?”

“Probably.”  Archie smiled and flopped back on the bed.  “So you’re a little like Tom then?  Wonder if my tastes rubbed off on you when we were kids?”

“Could have been the other way round!”  Finn laughed. 

“Or maybe we’re both just bent!”  Archie laughed, “Birds of a feather and all that.”  Archie thought about how true it was that people who were alike tended to stick together unconsciously. 

“Probably both born with it!”  Finn agreed comfortably.  “So…” He tried to continue, “So… how would I…?”

“Get bruises like that?”

“Safely.”  He added and Archie sat up.

“Of course safely.”  Archie tutted.  “I did those with a wooden paddle.”  Archie got up and went into his and Tom’s walk in wardrobe and opened a closed cupboard up the back of it.  He returned with the wooden paddle.  “Like this.”  He handed it to Finn.

“That must’ve fucking hurt.”  Finn marvelled.

“That’s the point.”  Archie said drolly and Finn gave him an unimpressed look.

“Have you ever had any accidents?”

“Yeah!”  Archie intimated with a slight grin, “First time I caned Tom I hit over his kidneys and he pissed blood for a week.  He was not impressed.”

“Too far even for Tom?”

“Tom has very definite limits.  And I respect them.”  He shook his head, “It was a rookie error that I haven’t made again.”  He looked at Finn’s face, “Just stick to meaty parts of the body.  Nothing bony except knuckles and even then, only for people who really love the pain.  Use the flat side of the paddle, not the narrow side… what are you gonna use?”

“Riding crop.”

“Big or small tip?”  Archie asked expertly, surprising Finn.

“Big.”

“That’s the less painful option.”  Archie assured him “Hit yourself on the thigh to get a feel for how much it’ll hurt.  Start on her arse, it’s the soft option for this kind of stuff.”  Archie continued.

“I want her to do it to me.”  Finn countered and Archie gave a surprised grin.

“Is she alright with that?”

“I think so yeah.”

“Well, you know, same advice but other way round.”  Archie told him, “Tell her to be mindful of where the tip is wrapping round too; make sure it’s not hitting anywhere too sensitive.  You should probably only get your arse hit hard with a crop tip, but you can use the centre part of a crop as a cane and go after the upper thighs with it pretty good.  That will give some lovely bruises.”  He shrugged, “Tell her to start really soft and build up very slowly.”  Archie told him, “Work out both your limits together.  You’ll be fine.”  Finn slowly took it all in.

“Cheers Archie.  Just wanted to make sure we weren’t gonna end up with a hospital visit.  I’ve had enough o’ that fucking place!” 

“Me too.”  Archie agreed, “You being in there was seriously one of the worst experiences of my life Finn.”

“Sorry.”  Finn scrunched up his nose.

“Yeah well don’t fucking do it again!”

“Oh come on Arch!”  Finn pretended to complain, “I wanted to get stabbed again!” 

“I know you get a great scar an’ all, but it scared the fucking bejesus outta me!”  Archie admonished.

“Wanna see how it’s going?”  Finn grinned and Archie nodded like they were boys again getting up to mischief.  Finn lifted up his shirt and Archie peered at the pink line down his abdomen.

“Gee, they didn’t do a bad job stitching that fucker up.”  Archie leaned forward and ran his finger along part of the scar. 

“Aye, they had to keep me pretty!”  They chuckled and Archie missed just hanging out with Finn.

“So how long have I got you for today?”

“Till six.  Me mum’s coming over for dinner.”

“Your mum… she’s… doing alright?” 

“Sorta.”  Finn sighed.  “I think none of us know how it all fits together anymore.  But she’s a real nice person.  Down to earth and… I quite like her.  It’s just the mum bit that’s doing me head in.”

“Just the mum bit?”  Archie asked pointedly.

“And I kinda feel like she’s disappointed in me.”  Archie furrowed his brows.

“Why?”

“Cos o’ Rae.”  Finn said glumly.

“She’s not judging Rae is she, cos if she is, I’ll give your mother a stern talking to Finlay!”  Archie said honestly. 

“Not so much Rae as the relationship itself.”  Finn clarified with another sigh, “Too serious too young.”

“Oh right, that crap.”  Archie rolled his eyes, “If you’re under 30, suddenly everyone’s a fucking expert about your relationship.”  Archie shook his head, “Like they know anything more about love than the rest of us.  If anything they get more confused about it all, the older they get!” 

“Remember when you gave me that concerned talk that I was too young-”

“Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up!”  Archie shook his head, “I didn’t know.”  He said, “I do now.”  Archie flopped back on to the bed again, “I thought that whole idea of just knowing that someone was the one was romanticised bullshit.  But I know Tom’s the one.”  Archie said simply.  “Know it in my bones.  So I understand how you know it with Rae.”  He looked over at Finn, “I always thought falling in love for me would be this slow, quiet affair.  Dignified and cautious… I just fell arse over head!”  He shook his head, “Just like you.” 

“It were gradual for Chop though.”  Finn said, “It took him a long time to realise he loved Izzy.  It happens differently for everyone.” 

“How did your parents fall in love?”

“Younger than me, faster than me… and with a child at 16.”  Finn gave Archie a meaningful look.

“D’you think it was a brightly burning fire that would’ve burned itself out if they hadn’t had you?”

“It’s possible.”  Finn sucked his bottom lip for a minute, “Maybe they wouldn’t of got married and stayed together for as long as they did if they hadn’t o’ had me.” 

“Well, I guess this reunion is the perfect chance to find out.”  Archie mused, “Does it bother you either way.”

“I really don’t know Archie.”  Finn confessed, “I don’t know what I’m hoping’ll happen anymore.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Does it Matter?’ by The Mavis’s _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gqKWRyaB68_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gqKWRyaB68)

 

Rae had only had the smallest hint of anxiety before going on stage; she was too focussed on remembering the changes to their script, their characterisation, their interactions.  She had learned from this that focus was important to controlling her anxiety. 

Their performance had been wonderful, dynamic and exhilarating to do.  They hadn’t missed one thing; it had gone as well as it possibly could and as soon as they’d gotten off stage Rae and flung her arms around Phil’s neck in excitement.  Elsa had found them backstage, still deconstructing their performance, and told them she was impressed. 

They had watched the second half of the performances after lunch, sitting next to each other in the back of theatre just under the biobooth, their thighs touching, whispering their opinions about the performances quietly to each other when each duologue was finished. 

The first part of the competition wrapped up at 7:30 and Elsa and her 6 actors went to get dinner at the hotel restaurant, tensely awaiting news of who would get into the finals tomorrow. 

Some actors and their teacher at another table at the restaurant got their news first; they cheered happily and the Stamford kids looked at each other glumly.  Over the next few minutes they heard various defeated groans and triumphant cheers from around the hotel restaurant; it seemed that a lot of the actors were staying here. 

It was a full fifteen minutes later when a waiter came over to them. 

“Ms King.”  Elsa nodded and took the proffered folded piece of paper from them.  She opened it up and took a deep breath before silently reading the results.  Rae and Phil tried to read her expression but it was impossible to know what was on the piece of paper. 

“Unfortunately,’ Elsa began and everyone groaned sadly.  “Only Rae and Phil got through to the finals.”  Rae and Phil’s faces lit up and then instantly fell.

“Oh Izzy!”  Rae hugged Izzy, sitting next to her.

“It’s alright Rae, I didn’t think I’d get through.”

Rae and Phil tried to offer commiserations, but Izzy, Sam, Candace and Josh were having none of it, and congratulations were the main theme of the conversation for the rest of their dinner. 

“Those were some clever changes you made.”  Elsa said, “Large enough to make you stand head and shoulders above your competition, small enough to be close enough to the original script for you to not be disqualified.”  Elsa nodded, “well played.  Now watch all the other couples fearfully try to change theirs tonight to match you, and fail.”  Elsa cocked an eyebrow, “I am so glad you finally got that shift in characterisation focus I’ve been talking about.”  She noted.  “Because no one else has it in this competition.”  She grinned like the Cheshire cat.  “Get some rest tonight you two.”  She looked at the other four actors, “Don’t keep them awake all night!” 

 

 

The excited energy in the room was infectious, but both Rae and Phil were feeling anxious for sleep.  They were lying in the same configuration as the night before, everyone talking and giggling, Rae silently bemoaning the noise they were making. 

Phil quietly got up and left the room as everyone watched tv laughing.  He escaped silently, taking his bag with him and went into the other room.  It was gloriously empty and he intended to have a long shower, a wank, and a good sleep.  He hadn’t even put his bag down when there was a soft tapping at the door. 

He knew it was her before he’d opened the door.

“What are you doing here?”  He asked with an inviting grin as he let her in. 

“Like I told that lot, I need some sleep and the racket they’re making don’t help.”  Rae said with a shrug, “And I didn’t wanna sleep on the fucking floor again!”  He chuckled and turned to the room.

“Well you got three beds to choose from.”

“Which one are you sleeping in?”  Rae felt an anxious knot in the pit of her stomach that she didn’t fully understand. 

“I’ll let you choose first.”  They were standing closer than they really needed to, and he could almost feel the heat emanating from her skin. 

“Well I suppose I’ll take the one furthest from the door.”  Rae went over to the bed and dropped her bag on the bedside table without looking back at Phil.

“I guess I’ll take the one closest to the door then.”  He decided to keep a bed between them; that was the best thing for not seeming like a creep.  Although he felt like one, the way he kept looking over at her.  He sat down on the bed facing away from her, his bag at his feet, determined to give her some privacy. 

Rae pulled off her shirt to get ready for bed and turned to see what Phillip was doing.  She watched him unbutton his shirt slowly, his back turned to her.  She looked down at her bra and then back up at Phil as he slipped his shirt off, the muscles on his back moving sinuously.

“Did you…”  Phil stopped moving, waiting for her to finish her sentence, “Did you paint me?”  She asked, her eyes glued to his back, her stomach clenching anxiously in the silence he left after her question.  She watched his head drop slightly and knew the answer in that small movement.

“Yes.”  He was almost silent, “I’m sorry.”  His shoulders slumped, “I was going to leave but-”

“No, it’s fine.”  Phil turned to her, wanting to see her facial expression; her answer was so unexpected.  His eyes fell on her and lust erupted in his stomach; she was wearing only jeans and a black bra.  Phil made himself turn away.  “When you were painting me… what did you think?”

“I was trying to capture the light.”  Phil said in a numb voice as he tried to get his lust under control.

“I meant about my body.”

“Why does it matter what I think about your body?”  Phil’s voice was rushed, Rae had never heard Phil rush anything he said. 

“It matters.”  She answered, her whole body on edge as he again didn’t reply for a long time. 

“I tried to capture the light.”  Phillip whispered softly, “The way it touches your skin… Rae…. You glow.”  He looked back up at her, “You’re perfect Rae.  Your body… it’s perfect.”  Rae saw his eyes drop down her body momentarily before returning to her face and she let herself do the same to him, noting the way his waist looked as he twisted around to look at her.  She didn’t know why, but she felt herself undoing her jeans and letting them drop to the ground.  Phil’s eyes never left her face. 

“What about now?  Without that skirt to cover me lower half?”  Rae had been wearing a see through skirt when she had modelled for the painting class. 

“Rae, I can’t.”  Phil turned away, his eyes focussing on the wall, his mind racing. 

“Look at me.”  Her voice was as demanding as it was vulnerable.  But this was a different kind of vulnerable to what she was feeling last night.  Phil turned on the bed, and slowly let his eyes take her in.  Rae watched his eyes drinking her, and waited until his eyes slowly made their way up to hers. 

“What do you think now?”

“Rae…”

“No lies.”  Rae insisted, “What are you thinking?”

“I wish you were naked.”  His voice was filled with an aching desire, “Shit.”  He cursed himself for saying that and looked away.  “I’m sorry.”  His voice was raw with a deep emotion that moved Rae.  She felt herself undoing her bra, slipping her underwear off while he spoke, “I shouldn’t have said something like that to you… it’s so inappropriate.” He shook his head. 

“Maybe if you see me naked, you won’t think I’m think I’m perfect anymore.”  Rae considered this, perhaps he’d stop crushing on her if he saw her this way.  She was surprised by the fact that she didn’t know how that made her feel. 

“I highly doubt tha-” Phil turned to her and stop mid-sentence, his mouth opened in surprise as he saw her naked body.  His look almost instantly turned to one of lust; it was a look Rae knew well because it was the exact same look Finn gave her when he saw her naked. 

“I shouldn’t be staring at you like this…”  He barely breathed the words.

“Then look away.”

“I can’t.”  Phil admitted, “And I know I should.”  He stood up and took a step closer to her, the third bed still between them.  Rae could see desire in every movement he made, the way he leaned towards her, the deep breaths that made his chest rise slowly, sensually. 

“Take your clothes off.”  Rae couldn’t believe what she was saying, but she needed to see him.  To know it was true.  To know that maybe she wasn’t repulsive to everyone but Finn.  To know that this was real; that the desire in his eyes wasn’t just some sort of joke.  Maybe she was reading him wrong.  “Take ‘em off.”  She repeated as he stood there motionless, staring at her.  He started to unbutton his jeans, his eyes never leaving Rae’s face, even as he bent to take his jeans and boxers off in one movement.  He stood before her completely naked and it took Rae a long moment before she could look down at his body.  He was incredibly fit; he was both taller and narrower than Finn, but still muscular, and Rae was surprised at how lustful her thoughts became as she let her eyes creep down his body to his erect cock. 

_He’s got an erection…_

_If he didn’t think I was beautiful… he wouldn’t have one…_

“You really do think I’m beautiful…”  Rae barely breathed the words, her eyes still on his erection. 

“That word doesn’t even come close Rae… it’s a pathetic-”

“You want me.”  She cut him off, her eyes snapping to his. 

“I want you.”  He took a step closer to her, his heart beating faster.

“I never thought any lad would really want me…”  She mumbled, her eyes filled with painful insecurity.

“Why would you ever think that Rae?”  He ached to touch her, to make love to her.  He feared that he’d only last a few minutes if he got to be inside of her, but he knew he’d be able to go again; with a woman like Rae, it’d be impossible to not go again. 

“Marketing.”  She reminded him of what he’d said last night to Josh.

“Yeah but you’re smarter than that Rae.”  Phil wished that advertising and media hadn’t gotten to her, but he knew it had before he’d opened his mouth; it got to everyone. 

“No but I’m not.”  She said sadly, “I wish I were Phil, but…” She looked away, her arms crossing over her stomach… No one’s smarter than that, when they’re constantly told that they’re fat and ugly.” 

“But you’re not.”  Phil felt his insides churning with grief over what this world had done to her. 

“What?  You gonna tell me I got the same body as Izzy or Candace?”  Rae’s eyes flashed at him and he shook his head.  “I’m fat.”  Rae declared, feeling none of the repulsed shame she had felt when she had said it in front of Finn.  Finn was the first person, besides Kester, who she’d really opened up to about her body issues, and she quite suddenly realised how far she had come when she looked at Phil taking in what she had said and felt her arms dropping from her stomach defiantly. 

“Alright.”  Phil shrugged.  “If that’s the language you want to use.”  He gave her a wry grin, “So you’re fat and beautiful.”  But even as she scoffed in disbelief she realised that part of her was starting to believe it.  She just needed so much reassurance and it irked her.  But it was a need that wold not be silent. 

“Why do you like my body Phillip?”  She asked sternly, taking a step closer to him and watching his eyes drop down her body again, enjoying the desire in his eyes. 

“Oh god Rae, I can’t even begin to put it into words.”  He muttered as he eye fucked her body, Rae feeling a thrill go up her spine when she saw his expression change.  “I love the shape of your body, it’s pure art.”  She saw his fingers spread out over his own thigh slightly, clearly aching to touch her.  “Your skin is smooth and flawless, I’ve never seen anything like it Rae.  The contrast between the paleness of your skin and the darkness of your hair; the great painters would kill to be able to create something so spectacular.”  This time his hand moved forward slightly.  “The way your hips curve into your waste is… The majesty of the entire universe couldn’t equal that.  The roundness of your stomach and the fullness of your breasts, you’re like a goddess… no you are a goddess… you literally take my breath away.”  He looked up at her face, “I’ve lost my words Rae.”  He shook his head, “I can’t even speak…” He looked her up and down slowly, his eyes filled with so much ache that Rae could almost feel his heat from where she was.  “I imagined that if I were ever privileged enough to see you like this, that I’d be able to conjure poetry to tell you how perfectly beautiful you are.  But… you’re so much more beautiful than I imagined… and I’m lost for words.”  He licked his bottom lip and looked her in the eyes.  “I’m sorry I did such a bad job of…”  He lowered his eyes, looking down at the single bed between them.

“I’m such a bad person Phil.”  Phil’s eyes shot up to her face, she was looking down, clearly upset. 

“How could you think that?” 

“Cos I’m with Finn and I’m standing here… naked.  In front of you.”  Rae’s fingers started to fidget and Phil watched as her eyes turned back to his body.  He thought that perhaps there was a hint of desire there, but she was horrified at what she was doing and feeling. 

“Well,” Phil looked around the room for an answer, “The human body, especially yours, is art.”  He told her firmly, “And it only become sexual when we make it that way.  So your body, is just a body, no different clothed or unclothed, unless you choose to make it sexual, either with yourself, or... with someone… else.” He stared at her longingly, but would not push her 

“Someone like… like you…” She whispered, her lips parted as if he were about to kiss her. 

“Or I guess… Finn.”  Phil tried to make her feel better and she nodded slowly. 

“So right now, Phil… this is art?” 

“This is whatever we choose to make it Rae.  Is your body sexual right now… or is it just naked…?”  Their eyes met, both of them feeling an ache in the pit of their bellies.  There was no doubt in Phillip’s mind now that Rae had some kind of sexual desire for him.  But how strong that was, and whether it would lead anywhere were things he didn’t know.  The silence drew out.

“I don’t know.”  She breathed, her chest rising dramatically as she took a deep breath. 

“What do you want it to be?”  Phil prodded gently, not wanting to push too hard, but unable to stop himself from trying, “What do you want this moment to be?”

“I want…” She paused, her eyes dropping to his mouth, before sliding down his body lustily.  Phil felt his innards sizzle when he saw that look on her face.  There was a long pause as he watched her eye fucking him, until their eyes met again.  Then the silence again.  “I don’t know.”  She whispered the words and Phil felt his stomach drop.

“Then…”  Phil swallowed and looked her up and down one more time, committing her naked body to his memory, “Then it needs to be nothing.”  He said regretfully. 

“Nothing?”  He heard a tinge of regret and relief in her voice. 

“You need to be sure.”  He said with a sad smile, “I don’t wanna be a regret, Rae.”  There was another moment of silence while Rae took that in, slowly nodding. 

“Right…”  She slowly agreed, “Well we got the finals tomorrow.”  She finally managed to tear her eyes away from Phillip, “We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah.”  Phil agreed softly as he watched her grab a singlet from her bag and put it on with a fresh pair of boy shorts.  He thudded down onto his bed, forcing himself to look away from her body.  “Might just have a shower first.”  He said and looked back over at her, she had gotten into bed, facing the wall, away from him.

“Alright,” she called without looking back at him, “good night Phil.”

 

 

Phil had only just gotten into bed, wearing fitted boxers and nothing else when Elsa unlocked the door and came into the room.  Phil sat up in bed to look at her and Rae turned over in her bed.

“Just had to shut up those dickheads next door and noticed you two missing.”  She said with slightly narrowed eyes.

“Just trying to get some sleep.”  Rae said wearily, “I wanna win.”

“Yep.”  Phil agreed, glad that he had resisted the urge to sit on the middle bed and try to talk to her again.  Even more glad that he had resisted his desire to crawl into the bed beside her and hold her. 

“Right.”  Elsa looked from Rae in the furthest bed to Phil in the closest; the third bed between them.  “Can I trust you two?”

“I was asleep until you opened the door.”  Rae grumbled, “I need sleep if I’m gonna win this thing Elsa.” 

“And we’re not gonna get any sleep with those dickheads around us.”  Elsa looked unimpressed with the situation and then shrugged.

“Alright then.  But don’t make me regret this.”

“Deal.”  Rae said and rolled back onto her side facing away from them.  Elsa’s eyes went to Phil and he nodded.  Elsa closed the door and Phil looked over at Rae for a moment before settling in to sleep. 

 

 

Phil opened his eyes, the clock read 12:04.

He felt her arm snake around his waist. 

“Why are you in bed with me?”  He asked without turning to her. 

“Luck.”  She whispered, her lips near his ear, “We got through to the finals after sleeping next to each other.”  He felt her body against his and closed his eyes to savour it for a moment, her hand was on his bare stomach and he felt his cock starting to throb again.

“I see.”  He replied in as even a voice as he could muster. 

“Plus I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore.”  She confessed, “I can’t sleep without someone in the bed with me.” 

“I’m the wrong someone.”  He reminded both of them. 

“Not sure it makes much of a difference right now.”  He couldn’t read her tone and needed to see her face to gauge her mood. 

“It might not make a difference, but it does matter.”  He turned carefully in the narrow single bed to face her, her arm stayed hanging over his waist, but he folded his arms over his chest, trying to not get into this right now; they had a performance to sleep for, and he had dinner planned out tomorrow night, and they were only in their underwear, and he didn’t want her to regret making love to him. 

Making love.  He’d give anything for her to want it as much as he did.  But he knew she was hurt over Finn’s fuck up, and that wasn’t the right reason to do this. 

“How does it matter?”  Her voice was slightly petulant and he adored that. 

“At this rate Rae we’ll end up naked in bed together after the finals.”  He almost pleaded with her for it to happen, but knew she would worry about Finn if something like that were to happen.

“Maybe.”  She moved her face closer, their lips almost touching again.  He could feel her breath on his face.

“You don’t mean that.”  He could barely bring himself to say it, he so hoped she did mean it.

“Fine I don’t.”  She lowered her eyes and moved her head back.  Phil ached to beg her to kiss him; he knew it wouldn’t take begging.  Her mood had changed; she wasn’t as vulnerable as last night, now she was almost emotionless and curious about him, putting Finn out of her mind as much as possible.  This was part of her way of dealing with how upset she was over Finn, but there was more to it.  Part of her actually wanted him; he was growing more and more sure of that.  And she was flirting with that part of herself more and more, and only the numbness towards her relationship with Finn would allow her to ever do that.  Phillip understood now what Finn had said when he’d told him that this was the best bet he’d ever had, that this was his chance to find out how she really felt.  At any other time her relationship with Finn would have made her shut down any exploration of her feelings towards Phillip.  But now, after their argument, she was more open to her curiosity, to her feelings. 

“I know you don’t.”  He sounded disappointed even to his own ears and he wished he had kept that tone out of his voice. 

“Am I a bad person?”  Her voice went up an octave and Phil could tell she was upset. 

“No.”  He told her, “You’re the best person.”

“Phil… I… everything that’s happened…”  She shook her head slowly, “Just tonight…”

“Well, you’re not naked anymore, so you don’t have to worry about what you might be doing to Finn.  And I think we’re both looking after you pretty well, so-”

“What about what I’m doing to you?”  She asked meaningfully as she ran her hand from his waist up his side to his face.  She gently stroked his face as Phil silently considered that question, his arms uncrossing so that he could gently stroke her face too.  He couldn’t believe that he was touching her like this again and he had to close his eyes for a moment to take in the feel of her skin under his fingertips.  But he knew she was still vulnerable, and more curious, not desirous enough.  He couldn’t let anything happen tonight, no matter how much he wanted her; it wouldn’t be right. 

“I won’t pretend that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced Rae, because even now… after you’ve crawled into my bed, after everything, I still won’t let you make me into a regret.  So yeah, this is… very difficult, to say the least.  But I also won’t pretend that these haven’t been the best two nights of my life.”

“The best?”  She sounded incredulous. 

“This time with you Rae…” Phil couldn’t find the words, “I’ll remember this for the rest of my life.”  He knew from the look in her eyes that she knew he loved her.  But tonight was not the night for those words so he let the silence settle between them as she considered his words.

“Do you wanna touch me?”  Her mouth barely moved, but the words were clear in the silent room.  “Would that make these two nights even better?”

“Do you really need to ask?”  His fingers stopped caressing her cheek, his eyes searched hers for a sign of where she wanted this to go tonight. 

“No.”  Rae’s voice was almost seductive and Phil felt a shiver go up his spine, “No, I don’t s’pose I do.”  Her eyes dropped to his lips, “But you do.” 

“Do you wanna touch me?”  He sounded vulnerable, and he was; he was scared she’d say no.  What if she said yes?

“No…” Phil’s heart stopped and a small, teasing smile kissed her lips, “Phil… ask if you can touch me.”  Phil could barely breathe he wanted her so much.  It had been a blessing beyond what he had expected to be able to stroke her face.  It was also torture beyond anything he’d imagined.  Having her so close and knowing he couldn’t have her completely.  He shouldn’t ask, he should insist they go back to sleep.

“Can I touch you?”  He whispered the words achingly, not sure what he hoped the answer would be.  In some ways ‘no’ would be easier.

“Yes.”  Her voice was husky, afraid and filled with equal parts desire and trepidation.  He let his hand fall from her face to her arm and slowly let his hand travel down to her hand as it stroked his face.  To his surprise he felt her other hand reach out to hold the hand of the arm he was lying on, as his other hand travelled back up her arm to her shoulder.  When his hand touched her side she closed her eyes momentarily as if testing what this felt like.  When she opened them again, she squeezed his hand and smiled slightly, their eyes meeting and staying together as his hand travelled down her side slowly, revelling in the curve of her hip.  When his fingertips touched the exposed skin between her singlet and underwear he paused, his fingertips caressing her bare flesh, his mind unable to grasp how soft her skin was.  Gently he let his fingers slip under the hem of her singlet.  Her eyes seemed to invite him to keep going so he let his hand travel up her back under her singlet.  Her skin was silky and smooth and Phil had to stop himself from leaning forward to kiss her; he wanted to keep his eyes on her face, to see her reactions to his touch.  He wanted to make sure he didn’t overstep the boundary.  Rae blinked slowly and arched her body slightly as his fingers tickled up her spine; it felt nice.  When she arched he splayed his hand on her back and pulled her closer before he’d even had chance to think about what he was doing.  She again wrapped her leg over his and her hand went from his face down his bare chest.  Phil’s breath stopped as her hand continued to travel down, over his stomach, stopping at the elastic to his boxers.  His hand went back down her back towards her underwear, he traced his fingers along the hem of them, taking real delight in the moment when his fingers dipped down at the very top of the crack of her arse that just poked out of the top of her underwear.  He groaned as her fingers copied his tracing along the hem of his boxers, around his waist, from the front, under his navel to the back, her hand flattening when she got to the small of the back to draw him closer still.  Both of their eyes drop to the other’s lips at the same moment; her obvious desire made Phillip daring and he let his hand slip lower over her arse again.  She gasped slightly, the sound ending with a slight urgent groan of desire and pleasure. 

Before either of them knew what was happening Phil had rolled her in the bed, ending up on top of her, her leg now wrapping around his waist as he leaned over her, his hand travelling up her stomach under her singlet, their eyes meeting just as his fingertips brushed her breasts.  He stopped.  Her hands were on his bare back, her mouth open with panting desire.  He stared at her for a long time.  Rae could feel his hard cock pressing through his boxers against her.  If they had no clothes on, his cock would be pressing against her cunt; he could so easily slide into her if they were naked. 

Rae didn’t know how she felt about this, how close they were to fucking.  They’d never kissed, she was with Finn, even if he had said no questions asked about this thing; because she knew the dinner was coming up tomorrow; she could tell by Phil’s behaviour that he had it all planned out for Tuesday night.  This was all part of it, she knew it.  And she knew that Phil was right, if she wanted Finn’s forgiveness, she’d get it.  But did she want this with Phil?  She didn’t know.  Phil saw that indecision in her eyes, but it was much less than last night.  Even so, he couldn’t do it if she wasn’t sure. 

“We can’t do this.”  He whispered. 

“Why?”  She almost whimpered.  He let his hand run up to her breast and gently cupped it, his cock throbbing for her.  She moaned as his fingers found her nipple.

“What does that feel like?”  He whispered, already knowing that the question would kill her mood.  She furrowed her brows, her hands traveling down her back to his hips and then onward to his arse, pulling him closer, making him moan for her. 

“I dunno.”  She deflected.  He nestled into between her thighs even closer, spreading her thighs even wider and pressing his body to hers.

“What do I feel like?”

“Different.”  She whispered the answer he knew she’d give, the answer that would kill her mood, “It’s so strange that you’re not Finn.”  He eyes dropped to his mouth and she bit her bottom lip, “Your hands are a little bigger.  And your waist is a little skinnier…”  Her brows furrowed again, “I don’t know how I feel… I don’t know if you fit.”  That vulnerability was back in her voice and Phil made himself not press against her so firmly, made his hand travel away from her magnificent breasts, made himself shift to the side, to be lying beside her.  She let him move without comment, even though her cunt ached for him in a wholly unexpected way.  If she had said he felt right pressed against her, they would have made love.  But as he suspected; she didn’t know how she felt about it. 

“Like jigsaw pieces.”  He understood.  “You know you fit with Finn.  But you don’t know that about me.” 

“Aye…”  Her whisper was sad, but curious.  She wanted to know if they could fit.  Phillip took her hand again, curling his fingers in between hers. 

“How does that feel?”  He asked gently. 

“Different.”

“Ok.”  He smiled slightly and nodded his head, “And other than different?”

“Nicer than I thought it would.”  Phillip watched her furrow her brow in confusion and knew in that instant that she actually had very deep feelings for him.  He could see in that moment of confusion that she loved him.  She just didn’t know it yet.  His heart leapt up to his mouth as it all became clearer.  And then a final realisation came to him: Finn knew she loved him.  Finn already had an idea of how this was all going to go.  He wished Finn had clued him in a bit better; would have chosen his course of action better. 

“It feels perfect to me.”  Phil said, “It feels right.”  He stroked her face and Rae looked at him as she rolled back on her side, putting them back in the position this had started in, still holding his hand with the arm she was lying on. 

“It feels right to me too.”  Her voice was small and confused.  “But different.”

“Different’s ok though.”  Phil said, “Different is neither better nor worse.  It’s just different.”

“I never thought I’d hold someone else’s hand.”  Rae judged herself very poorly and furrowed her brows.

“There’s nothing wrong with holding other people’s hands.  Sometimes friends just do that.”  Phil said comfortingly, “But you know, just cos Finn was the first guy to see you… it doesn’t mean he’s the only one to have seen you.  And just cos he feels right, it doesn’t mean he’ll be the only one to feel right.” 

“You do too.”  She whispered, a slight fear in her eyes.

“But that’s not bad.  Finn’s not the only guy in the world just cos he was the first to hold your hand like this.” 

“But he’s… he’s Finn.  I’m with him…”

“You don’t owe him anything Rae.  Just cos he was the first… it doesn’t mean you owe him anything.” 

“What d’you mean?”  She frowned and Phillip worried that he’d said too much.

“I know you love him, and I know he loves you.”  Phillip answered slowly, “And I know he was the first guy to make you feel as beautiful as you are.”  He stroked her face gently, “But you know, him being the first doesn’t mean you have to stay with him for the rest of your life.”

“No, but the love does.”

“No it doesn’t.”  Phil answered, “Love isn’t enough for a relationship to last.  There has to be communication,” Phil tried to think of all the things he believed to be important to a relationship.  “And compromise and working together and trust and-”

“Trust.”  Rae said sadly.  “Trust.” 

“Sometimes relationships fall apart or grow slowly separate for no reason.  It’s no one’s fault.  Sometimes they don’t fall apart and they work perfectly.  You can never know what the future holds.”  Phillip grimaced in thought, “I can’t tell you what to do about the trust issue you have with Finn.  I don’t know the inner workings of your relationship.  I don’t know if there’s enough there to stop it from slowly growing apart.  Maybe there is and maybe there isn’t.  But I do know that you shouldn’t stay with him out of a sense of obligation.”

“Sometimes I feel like I owe him cos I’m fat.”  Rae confessed and Phil saw a tear drip slowly from her eye.

“That makes no sense at all.”  Phil frowned sadly.

“He’s so gorgeous and he lowered himself to be with me.  I’m so lucky… I keep wondering if and when he’ll realise.”  She lowered her eyes and Phil felt that pain in his heart that he always felt every time she hated herself like this. 

“Please don’t think that way Rae.  You’re so beautiful.  He’s the lucky one.  Anyone who got to be with you is the lucky one.” 

“He got stabbed for me.”  Rae added.

“You still don’t owe him forever Rae.”  Phil shook his head, “No matter what you’ve both been through, the only time you stay with a person is if they are the one you truly want to be with.  Don’t stay because you feel like you owe them something.  Don’t stay because they’ve been through stuff.  And don’t stay because you think you’re not good enough, or because you think you have no other options.  Rae, you’ve got options girl.”  Phil stroked her hair gently, “You are the most remarkable person I have ever met; you are always going to have many, many options.”  He said it pointedly, “If you’re going to stay with Finn, do it for the right reasons not the wrong ones.  You’re not doing you or him any favours if you stay for the wrong reasons.”

“I don’t know if my reasons are the right ones or not.”  She told him, “I don’t know if my reasons for being in this bed with you are right or wrong…”

“I can guarantee you they’re mostly the wrong reasons.”  Phillip said, “Which is why I stopped.” 

“You didn’t stop cos… Cos you didn’t want me?”

“Rae I want you, don’t worry about that.  You are so beautiful and sexy.  Physically you are perfect.  Mentally you are perfect.  You are literally a perfect human being.”  He said it forcefully and Rae felt his words bathe her skin like warm honey.  “Rae I will make love to you the minute those reasons of yours are the right ones.”  He reassured her.  “If you want me to… if you’ll let me.” 

“If I let you…”  She whispered, her face coming closer to his, the desire in his belly reigniting.

“If you let me.”  He repeated. 

“You must think I’m stupid needing so much reassurance.”  She lowered her eyes.

“No, I think you’re too used to thinking bad things about yourself.”  Phil told her, “I’d like you to stop doing that if you possibly can.”

“I try Phil.  I really do.”  She whispered the words to him, “But I can’t always like myself.  I’ve been hating myself for too long.”  Phil stroked her hair slowly.  Rae’s mind returned to Elsa, and then Olivia, Stacey… even Chloe and Izzy… all of them.

“I wish I could let you see yourself through everyone else’s eyes.  You’d see how brilliant you really are.”  Rae looked at his face for a moment.

“I’m so lucky I met you Phillip.”

“I’m the lucky one.”  He told her with a sad smile. 

“I hope you’re in my life forever.”  She said honestly. 

“I’ll be around for as long as you let me be.”  He held out his arms for her and she nestled into them, “I promise.”  He kissed the top of her head and enjoyed the feeling of her wrapping an arm around his waist.  “Let’s get some sleep.  We’ve got a competition to win tomorrow.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Black Hole Sun’ by Soundgarden _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mbBbFH9fAg>

 

It was always hard seeing Liam, but today was particularly difficult.  Chloe had come to help out with his walking rehab; he was clearly improving, but to Liam’s eyes nothing was changing. 

Afterwards they had settled into his hospital room and he had sat in the chair at the window, his hand tremoring slightly, but otherwise still and silent. 

“You’re doing so much better.”  Chloe said hopefully, but he said nothing.  “I reckon in six months you’ll be able to walk without the frame.”  She sat down and looked at him silently.  “And your memory is definitely better.” 

“Sometimes I wish I was back in the blackness.”  He said softly.  “There was a beautiful nothingness there.  Here there’s everything, but still nothing.”  He turned his eyes to her, “And I have to pretend that I give a fuck about anything you have to say.”  He looked back out the window.  “Maybe if I had been trying to kill myself this would have had a much better outcome.”

“Don’t say stuff like that Liam.”

“So tell what I should say, little girl.”  Liam asked bitterly. 

“You should say ‘I’m getting better all the time.’”

“My mother is dead.”  Liam aid emotionlessly, “The only person that ever cared about me, Eli, is being pressured from her mother to never talk to me again.  You and Rae only show up outta guilt… I’m nothing to no one.  I’d be better off dead.”

“That’s not true.”  Chloe answered as firmly as she could.

“Maybe to the likes of you princess… you can have that fairy tale ending.  But for the rest of us…”  He looked away, “If Rae were here, she’d understand.”

“No she wouldn’t.” 

“No, that’s right, her pretty-boy’s magical boner grants her the wish of happiness right?”  Chloe took a deep breath and shook her head.

“No, she’s been working hard on-”

“Being like everyone else.”  He shrugged, his co-ordination far better than it had been, “The old Rae was more real… she would have gotten me.” 

“The old Rae was deeply unhappy and depressed.”  Chloe said, catching onto an idea, “I think you’re depressed too.”

“You and Kester both.”  Liam sneered.  There was a silence while Chloe desperately tried to figure out what to say.  “I’d kill for a smoke.”  Liam muttered, “Or to feel the wind on me fucking face.”  He looked outside longingly.

“You’ll get out when your rehab is finished.”  Chloe tried to soothe him, “It’ll be done and dusted before you know it.” 

“You’re shite at comforting people.”  He said with a scoff, “What you’re saying to me is, ‘you won’t get the things you so desperately want until you’ve gone through months, possibly years of painful, frustrating and pointless rehab.’” 

“It’s not pointless, you’re improving.”  Chloe said immutably. 

“You’d be better off if I were dead, you wouldn’t have these pathetic pity visits to drag yourself to.  You could get on with your life.”

“I come because you’re my friend.”  Chloe tried to keep as positive as she could.  But Liam was very hard work right now. 

“I weren’t your friend before this.”

“You kinda were.”  Chloe told him, “You were just a shit friend.”  He gave her a look; her words had been unexpected.  Everyone was being so careful to remain positive around him that hearing this was refreshing. 

“Yeah I guess I was.”  He nodded, “Still am.”

“Sometimes yeah.”  Chloe agreed.  “But sometimes you are wonderful and funny and worth the effort of coming out to this depressing building.” 

“Sometimes.”  Liam said with a small grin, “I’ll take that.”  He stared out the window wistfully and Chloe took another deep breath as an idea started to form in the back of her mind. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Cool as Kim Deal’ by The Dandy Warhols _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56W16EMxi54>

 

When Phil opened his eyes at 5:15 her arm was draped over his waist, her fingertips under the elastic of his boxers, her fingertips just brushing the head of his erect cock.  A scintillating thrill of excitement shot through his whole body and he closed his eyes to steady himself.  He could hear her deep breathing; she was fast asleep.  There was a part of him that wanted to move in such a way as to thrust more of his cock into her hand and he hated that part of himself.  The better part of him won out easily, and he gently removed her hand from his boxers making her stir slightly.  He turned to face her, but she was already deeply asleep again. 

“I love you Rae.”  He told her sleeping form, “I love you deep in my soul… like the love I have for you is a part of me, like it was always there, a vital organ, it grew in me like all my other organs.  It was always there from the moment I was alive, just waiting for you to give it… give me… Purpose.”  He stroked her hair gently but she didn’t stir.  Phil had a feeling that she was probably accustomed to having her hair stroked while she was asleep; he imagined Finn did it every time he woke up next to her.  “I’ll never not love you Rae.”  He shook his head, “I don’t have it in me to stop loving you.”  He lowered his eyes and took a deep breath, “And I have to tell you all of this stuff tonight… and you will tell me…” He looked back up at her face.  He didn’t know what she would say to him.  He knew she loved Finn.  But now he knew that she also loved him.  His mind travelled over all the things that had happened recently and fell to Tom’s words about having a threesome, he smiled sadly, “Right now I’d take that gladly.”  He whispered, “A threesome relationship.”  He sighed, because he knew that the chances of he and Finn co-existing like that were slim to none.  “I’ll take you however I can get you Rachel Earl.”  He told her and he meant it.

She woke up half an hour later, Phil was still looking at her, his mood shifting from forlorn to elated like the tide kissing the shoreline.  When she opened her eyes she gave him a small smile.

“’Morning.”  She whispered.

“’Morning.”  He replied and stroked her face.  She sat up to look at the clock and yawned before settling back into the bed, lying on her side with her back to him, he took the hint and wrapped his arm around her waist, his hand finding the space where he singlet had pulled up slightly, spooning her with his entire body. 

“How are you feeling about today?”  She asked him.

“Nervous.”  He admitted. 

“I wonder if there’ll be any scouts.”  She sounded anxious and Phil let his thumb stroke the skin of her stomach gently to soothe her. 

“Probably.”  He said honestly, “But all you need to worry about is doing exactly what you did yesterday.”  Rae nodded, “You don’t want to be an actress anyway, so their presence means nothing to you.”  He soothed.

“But you wanna be an actor… I don’t wanna mess up your chances.”  Phil gave a wry smile.

“You can’t mess up my chances.”  He answered, “So try not to think about that; trust me, that’s not an issue.”  They lay in silence for a few moments as she thought about that.  “You’re thinking about it aren’t you?”

“Maybe.”  She answered with a cheeky grin.

“I will get into the school I want to, with or without your wonderful performance today.  I promise.”  He told her.

“You’ve never broken a promise to me yet.”  Rae turned slightly to look at his face.

“And I never will.”  He said firmly, “Do you want to shower first, or shall I?”

“Me first!”  She grinned and jumped up.  Phil watched her head to the bathroom, his arms aching to hold her again. 

 

 

Rae and Phillip had decided to eat breakfast up in the room, to avoid all the well-wishing and pep talking the other four actors would give them.  They were focussed now, going over lines, running through the blocking; they were as ready as they could be. 

When they headed down to the theatre, Rae’s nerves were completely under control, and her hand was locked with Phil’s as a sign of solidarity and support. 

Before the competition began, the actors in the finals and their teachers, along with the judges, and any scouts present were having a kind of meet and greet.  Rae really didn’t want to be there, but it was part of the whole thing.  Elsa greeted them at the door and took Rae’s other hand with a supportive grin.

“Let’s knock ‘em dead.”  She whispered as the three of them, hands clasped when into the theatre foyer. 

Almost instantly a man wondered over to them. 

“Phillip Seymour and Rachel Earl.”  He said happily and held out a hand to Rae, “I’m Darren Hardcliff from the Oxford School of Drama.”  Rae took his hand with a confused look and he smiled winningly, “Have you considered what school you’ll be going to next year Ms Earl?”  Philip saw Rae nervously swallow and turned his eyes to Darren.

“Oxford School of Drama is a baby.”  Phillip chuckled, “Haven’t even got a decade under your belt.”  Darren turned to Phillip.

“Well, I suppose for someone that already has positions in RADA and LAMDA, we might seem young, but we are producing extraordinary talent.  We are babies with excellent connections.  And we only take on 18 students a year.”  He grinned, “We’re more exclusive than those other schools.”  Phillip rolled his eyes. 

“I’ve also got a spot with you guys, you know.”  He said drolly.

“Oh I know.”  Darren said, “And Ms Earl here doesn’t, which seems like a crime.”  Rae was staring at Phil.

“You’ve already been accepted into three drama schools?”  She asked amazed.

“Eight.”  He replied with a slightly proud face that he immediately repressed, following it with a small shrug, “I’ve been working hard, doing a lot of competitions and community theatre, I get the best marks in our College…” He shrugged again. 

“We all knew it would happen.”  Elsa grinned, “But congratulations nonetheless.” 

“Yes.”  Darren looked at Phil for a moment, “You are very gifted, as is your acting partner.”  His eyes returned to Rae. 

“I was just gonna do writing.”  Rae answered simply, feeling like she was in way over her head.

“Of course.”  Darren nodded, “You’re both gifted writers.  But do consider acting; a talent like yours should be seen by the world.  And do consider Oxford School of Drama.”  He took her hand and kissed the back of it.  “I look forward to seeing you two win this.”  Elsa watched him go with a keen eye and turned back to her students. 

“They don’t normally have scouts at the breakfast mingle.”  She pulled a face, “Usually they come after the finals while the judges make their decision.”

“Oxford is keen!”  Phillip laughed.

“Is that Oxford as in… Oxford?”  Rae asked stunned.

“No,” Phillip shook his head, “The Oxford school of drama is independent.”  He told her with a grin, “But it still sounds good doesn’t it?”

“Which one are you gonna go to?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”  Phil said, “I told you that you couldn’t mess up my chances.”  He grinned cheekily.  Rae nodded feeling much better; even more pressure was off her shoulders now that she didn’t have to worry about Phil in front of the scouts.  Now it was just her versus her own desire to win. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘This Charming Man’ by The Smiths _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcNpalqqvss>

 

“Hey Mr Two Hats.”  Chop grinned as he walked into the office to see Danny packing up for the day.

“Hey Chop.”  Danny answered with a big grin, “How was it being back out on the floor?”  Danny knew Chop had been bored to tears in the office and had been keen for weeks to get back to working on the cars; he really loved being a mechanic. 

“It was a fucking dream Danny!”  Chop grinned happily.  “Got any plans tonight Danny boy?”

“My parents want me to play scrabble with them tonight.”  He looked content with that and Chop nodded.

“Sounds like you got it all sorted then.”  Chop grabbed a rag he kept in his bag and wiped the grease off his hands.  “D’you give that girl a ring?”

“I did.”  Danny answered as he put the framed picture of a duck in his bag.

“Oh aye?”  Chop encouraged Danny to talk more, a huge grin on his face.  But Chop’s smile faltered as Danny’s brows furrowed and he frowned slightly.  “How’d it go lad?”

“Alright.”  Danny turned back to his desk anxiously and it was Chop’s turn to furrow his brows, a frown turning his lips down. 

“Alright?”  Chop started to take his work overalls off, his eyes not leaving Danny.  “What happened?”

“We had a date.”  Danny answered as if talking about the weather and Chop’s grin returned.

“A date hey?”  He shoved his overalls in his bag and pulled his jeans out.  “And what happened?  Where’d you go?”

“Well she wanted to go to a restaurant and eat.”  Danny said slowly, “So we did.”

“And?”  Chop came and sat on Danny’s desk and Danny looked up at him, his eyes looking confused.

“And… she kissed me.”  Danny looked down at his feet.

“That’s good!”  Chop clapped him on the back, “Why you so glum?” 

“I dunno.”  Danny answered sadly.

“Was she a bad kisser?”  Chop joked.

“No I quite liked the kiss.”  Danny said thoughtfully.

“Alright?”  Chop asked confused.

“She wanted to…” Danny’s brows furrowed and realisation came to Chop.

“She wanted to have sex?”  Chop asked happily, “That’s great!” 

“I didn’t wanna have sex.”  Danny said, that same confused, thoughtful look on his face.

“What?”  Chop had not been expecting that.  “Why?”  His nose scrunched up in confusion.  What kind of lad didn’t want to have sex?  Chop had seen the girl who had given Danny her number; she was quite a decent looking lass.

“I don’t know.”  Danny answered.  “I just… wasn’t interested.”  Chop thought about this for a moment, deeply confused.

“Did she not like ducks?”  He alighted upon an idea and instantly ran with it.

“She’s got three pet ducks.”  Danny answered glumly.  “She likes hugs.”  He continued, “She was fine to just hug when I asked.”  Chop watched him fidget with his bag and tried to get his head around what Danny was saying to him.  “She seems perfect but I just didn’t want to.”

“Have you never had sex before?” 

“No.”  Danny answered.

“Well maybe you was just nervous?” 

“Maybe.”  Danny considered this.

“Are you seeing her again?”  Chop was delighted when Danny nodded his head,  “Well maybe next time then?”  Danny raised his brows hopefully.

“Maybe.”  He grinned more happily and Chop patted him on the back again.

“Don’t worry mate.  Things take time.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘The Power of Love’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPWuLSzDWnI> 

 

The seven of them sat in the hotel restaurant, drinking tea and awaiting news of the results from the finals.  Rae had been handed dozens of cards from scouts after their performance.  Phil of course had gotten even more, he was attractive and had incredible stage presence.  Rae had also seen him refuse phone numbers from several girls.  She had seen him with Andrea; it wasn’t like he didn’t take up some of those offers.  But it was like he was here with her; they both felt it.  Rae looked on as he rejected them politely, with a kind smile and his eyes always turning to her, a hunger in them, that she was surprised to discover, she welcomed. 

She had her hand on Phil’s thigh under the table.  They both understood that it wasn’t a sexual thing; she was anxious, she squeezed his thigh with nerves, and when she did, he would put his hand over hers and comfort her silently.  Elsa seemed at ease, listening to the other four laughing, joking, and occasionally commenting on how long the judges were taking, how good Rae and Phil had been or how much fun they’d had.  Rae and Phil though, barely spoke.  Phil would sometimes say a few soft, gentle words to Rae, to see if she wanted more tea, or to ask how she was holding up. 

Rae wasn’t just nervous about the results, she also knew what was coming up after this.  She didn’t know how he was going to get them away from Elsa, who had been in charge of where they ate, but she knew the dinner was coming, and she knew he was going to tell her that he loved her.  And she really didn’t know how she felt about that.  She found that she didn’t want him to say it; because then she’d have to give him an answer.  She found that she didn’t want to be pushed to give an answer.  She found that a large part of her didn’t want this moment between them to end. 

It was another 30 minutes before they were all called back into the theatre to announce the winners.  All of the performers waited backstage, Rae squeezing Phil’s hand painfully tight. 

Third place was announced, Rae’s heart dropped when it wasn’t them; that meant it was second, first or nothing.  She didn’t know if she could handle nothing. 

Second place was announced and Rae looked glumly at Phil, but he grinned.

“We won it.”  He told her with a nod.

“I dunno.”  Rae grimaced.  There was a short speech given about the history of the competition and mention of some people who had been involved with it in the past who were now famous. 

“They’ll be adding me to that list.”  Phil said with a cheeky grin.

“Fucking cocky bastard.”  Rae chuckled.

“Not really.”  He shook his head, “It’s three quarters fake bravado and one quarter determination to fucking make it.” 

“If anyone I know can make it in this industry Phil, it’s you.”  She told him as the speech continued.  “Promise me you’ll take me to the BAFTAs one day?”

“If I get ever get nominated.”  He nodded, “I’ll take you.  I’ll take you at least once to all the awards ceremonies, yeah?”

“Alright.”  Rae grinned, “oh fuck what am I gonna wear?”  They laughed as quietly as they could before getting a glare from some of the other actors made them shut up. 

“We a proud to announce the winner of-”

“Here it is.”  Rae whispered and Phil watched her face, wanting to see it when they inevitably said her name.  Only moments later her face was lighting up in surprise and exuberant happiness: they had won.  Phil took in every moment of her face as it lit up as she flung her arms around his neck and before he knew what was happening her lips were on his.  It was intended as a friendly kiss of congratulations, but almost as instantly as their lips met everything else froze and his lips parted slightly to take in her taste.  They both froze, slowly pulling away, their eyes staying on each other as they heard the audience cheering and knew they had to go and get their awards.  Phil swallowed and took a deep breath.

“Better go.”  His voice was husky and he made himself lower his eyes before they shot back up to her face; she had taken his hand.

“C’mon then.”  She grinned. 

Going onto the stage was wonderful, Rae had never before had such an uncomplicated relationship with a stage and an audience before.  Everyone was clapping and she was receiving a trophy and certificate and a cheque for £100. 

And that was that.  They were off the stage, waiting backstage while the final announcements were made about the next competition and thanks were given.  They stood closer together than necessary, Phil’s eyes never leaving her delighted face.  But Rae was reading her certificate.

“How did you know we’d win?”

“I’ve been to enough of these things to get a feel for things like that.”  He grinned and watched her looking at her trophy.  She looked up at him with a huge smile that made his heart stop beating: he was so in love with her.  Painfully, irrevocably and wholeheartedly in love with her. 

They were all ushered into the foyer where the other four actors from Stamford threw their arms around them, Elsa even gave them both a happy hug. 

“Let’s grab a congratulatory drink.”  Elsa grinned leading them back towards the hotel.  But she turned to Phil and Rae suddenly, “You know what, you two have worked so hard, and Rae still has to prepare for the comedy duologues…” She mused, “Perhaps you two, or at least just Rae, should have an easy night, and celebrate when you get back to Stamford.”  She looked at Rae and Rae nodded in reply, “Great.”  Elsa said, “So we,” She turned back to Izzy, Sam, Candace and Josh, “Are going to celebrate late into the night.  “You coming Phil?”

“Nah I’m buggered.  Changing the script and remembering it all…”  He shook his head, “I might turn in early.”

“We’ll have a party for you guys in class on Tuesday.”  Elsa grinned, “As for us, you won’t be seeing us until midnight.”  Rae could have sworn Elsa was giving them a meaningful look.  But she had turned and ushered the others off, Izzy looked over her shoulder at Rae, giving her a huge grin as Elsa said they were going somewhere other than that awful hotel restaurant for dinner. 

Rae turned to Phil and saw that all of his confidence had disappeared, his eyes followed Elsa for a moment.  Phil had realised that Finn had somehow managed to get Elsa to agree to let them have this dinner. 

“We should drop off our awards at the hotel and get some dinner before we head to bed… I mean.., before we…” His eyes dropped to her lips before he looked away.

“I know.”  She said softly, meaningfully; she knew what was coming, “I know what you meant.”  She added to ease his nerves, and her own. 

They walked the short distance back to the hotel in silence and took their awards up to the room they had shared the night before. 

Rae closed the door behind them and leaned on it, handing her things to Phil who dropped them onto his bed before turning to her.

“Where do you wanna eat?”  Rae asked softly. 

“I got somewhere in mind.”  The way she nodded her head told Phil that she knew what was coming. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘At Last’ by Etta James _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ45Q7ZuTEs>

 

Finn plonked down on his bed and kicked his shoes off.  He was utterly miserable.  Having no Rae since Sunday was awful.  No Rae to hold, to talk to, to kiss.  His unending love for her was painfully apparent as he laid down in the bed alone.  He was seeing her tomorrow, but tonight Phillip was seducing her.  If he was smart, he’d been seducing her for the past few days.  But if he was a decent a man as Finn thought he was, nothing would have truly happened yet, perhaps a few close encounters, perhaps a kiss, perhaps they had slept next to each other, perhaps things had gone a little further.  But Finn knew it was tonight that everything would happen.  Phillip and Rae would most likely make love tonight.  Finn breathed out slowly, his inside squirming at the thought, jealousy nipping at his heels slightly, but his brain understanding logically that Rae’s needs and happiness came first because he loved her.  He started to think about what Kester had said, about perhaps Finn needed to come equal first.  How did he fit that in with his feelings about this whole thing? 

How did he feel?

Rae was the love of his life.  He knew they were forever.  He knew they were soul mates.  He knew that no matter what happened they’d always come back together.  He was as sure of this as he was of the sun rising and setting every day.  He knew that Rae felt the same way, so anything that happened with Phil, no matter how worthy he was, was essentially meaningless to their love in the grand scheme of things. 

But there was a part of him that didn’t want anyone else to share that level of intimacy with her.  He wanted her to have whatever she needed, but he wanted some things to be just them, for it to be special.  Logically he knew that their love was just them, that this is what made them special, and that no kind of physicality could ever touch this otherworldly love they shared.  Finn smiled; understanding this brought him a kind of peace.  Their love was their special thing that no one else could share or touch.  And that was where he was putting himself first; selfishly, greedily, grasping, first.  He needed her like he needed oxygen; giving her everything she needed was an extremely selfish act of self-preservation, because without her he was miserable.  He laughed to himself when he realised that even loving selflessly was extremely selfish. 

When he’d been younger, Rhys had taught him that all living things had a strong survival instinct, and that it made them selfish, that being selfish was not always a bad thing, if it meant looking after yourself.  Having a happy Rae was looking after himself; he smiled when she smiled.  He hurt when she hurt.  Loving her selflessly, putting her first, giving her everything she needed to bring her happiness; this was his survival instinct, his tactic for maintaining his own happiness.  He couldn’t wait to share this thought with Rae, he could imagine all the clever and insightful things she’d say.  He saw them lying naked together talking about this strange journey they were going on together.  Feeling the untrodden path before them together, working it all out hand in hand.  They were meant to be.  He didn’t doubt it for a second. 

He just wasn’t sure how much of a hurdle Phillip was going to be. 

Finn’s convoluted contemplation was broken by the sound of an Etta James record being played.  That was his mum’s taste.  He was beginning to miss the Led Zeppelin and Frank Zappa his dad always played, because when his mum’s music played…

And there it was: a groan.  Finn grimaced.  He supposed he should be glad that his parents went at it like rabbits, but he was so used to not having to deal with this shit that it inevitably put him in a bad mood. 

She still hadn’t said anything about why she’d been away for eight years. 

Finn was beginning to understand his father better.  He’d wait for Rae, however long it took.  And he understood why his father didn’t ask about the eight years.  Finn wouldn’t ask Rae either; he’d let her tell him in her own time.  But he’d remind her of their commitment to communication too.  He had a feeling that his parents had no such commitment.  He had a feeling that his parent’s communication was as bad as ever. 

And regardless of his father’s apparent disinterest in the reasoning behind Kenzie’s eight year disappearance, Finn did care, and he wanted to know.  He understood why she had gone, he even thought she was brave and strong for going.  But why for so long?  Why the eight years?

He heard a rhythmic banging from the other room and realised how annoying it was to listen to your flatmate fucking.  His father had basically been Finn’s flatmate all these years, albeit one that paid for everything, and occasionally tried to set rules. 

Finn put on some music and settled back onto the bed thinking about Rae.  He ached for her.  He could barely contain his excitement over seeing her tomorrow.  He hoped that she hadn’t been thinking about him; that Phil had done the favour Finn had asked him to do.  He knew that he was always in the back of her mind, he knew that her brain would be working over the Elsa issue, he just hoped she’d managed to keep it all at the back of her mind.  If she had kept him and the Elsa issue in the back of her mind and hadn’t ruminated over it too much, and Phil did what Finn thought he’d do, then Finn knew exactly what to expect tomorrow. 

If not, then anything could have happened, and tomorrow could go very unexpectedly. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’ by The Flamingos _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvzNeh4Mq1o>

 

“That’s my first trophy, you know.”  Rae said, “I may have gotten some when I was really young.   But none that I remember…”  She pulled a face, “They don’t count if you don’t remember them.”  Phillip walked over to her, still leaning on the back of the hotel door.

“Congratulations on your first trophy.”

“You must have so many this one means nothing to you.”

“This one’s the most important.”  He countered, “Because I won it with you.”

“You’ve done a lot of things with me.”  Her voice almost faltered as his hand went to her face, the intent in his eyes clear. 

“Not nearly enough.”  He breathed, his eyes searching her face for a hint of that vulnerability, that unsureness.  He saw her nerves, but none of her previous reticence. 

Rae felt his body close to hers, his pelvis tilting into hers, as his lips gently pressed against hers.  Her breath caught in her throat.  She had never been kissed like this before; his sweet longing, finally being released in a long slow, sensual, burning kiss.  She had been kissed with this much love, this much adoration before; she knew what that felt like.  But never with this much yearning, she could almost feel Phillip’s physical ache for her in the way his mouth moved against hers, so slowly, as if committing every detail to memory, as if this was the most important moment of his life.  When Phil kissed her, he kissed her with everything he was; she felt it all, he left nothing hidden from her. 

When their lips came apart, their foreheads still touching, both panting slightly, clinging to each other, Rae felt stunned.

“Holy… fucking… hell…”  She could barely speak.  Everything else faded from her mind when she felt his lips press against hers again, her body responded to his as they both simultaneously sought to be closer still.  Phil felt Rae’s hand on his back holding him to her and had a wonderful preview of a future he dearly hoped would come to be.  He pressed his hands to her lower back and she responded, tilting her pelvis into him.  He had told her that when he kissed her she would feel.  And he had been right.  She felt everything he had been feeling since the day they had met.  But there was something else she felt.  Something that both did and didn’t surprise her. 

“Phil.”  She sighed his name between his deep kisses, the realisation of her feelings for him coursing through her body.  She had to accept that Finn had been right; she did have feelings for Phillip.  Much deeper feelings than she had first thought.  Finn had been so right. 

“Rae.”  She was disappointed when he stopped kissing her, but the way he looked into her eyes made her almost as breathless as his kisses. 

Rae’s stomach grumbled and they both laughed, their eyes never leaving each other’s. 

“You hungry?”  He asked with a wry grin.

“Most definitely.”  The look in her eyes sent tingles through Phillip’s body.

“Food first?”  He asked and she nodded her head, her eyes looking him up and down hungrily.  “Come on.”  He took her hand and they headed out of the room.  Rae felt an odd mix of regret and relief when the door closed behind them.  She knew that had they stayed in that room they’d have ended up making love without another word.  She was ready for him.  Finn had told her that he wasn’t going to ask her what happened, and she wanted Phillip.  She wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by someone else.  She had never believed she could be loved by one man, and here was another one that loved her equally as much as the first did.  She wanted to know what it felt like.  She wanted to know the differences and similarities.  She had been unsure before, but now she was sure she wanted Phil.  She didn’t know what that meant for her and Finn; she knew they could continue on after this, Finn had told her as much.  But she was so confused about her feelings right now and she knew that Finn had feelings for other people too.  Like Elsa.  She didn’t understand what it all meant.  She only knew that she wanted Phillip and he was leading her to a restaurant right now, when she wanted him to lead her to a bed. 

She thought of the way Izzy had asked if she was a slut when she had wanted to explore things. 

She thought about how many people had told her she was so young and she should be out exploring things.

She thought about a million different conflicting things as he led her down the hallway of the hotel towards the lift. 

The moment the lift doors closed his lips were on hers again and she felt herself pushing him into the wall, pulling at his shirt.  But then the surprise of the lift going up made her pause, she looked at the control panel of the lift and saw the top floor light lit up.  Phil’s eyes never left her face, his hand stroking her hair while she tried to figure it out. 

“Why are we going up?”  She asked.

“I’m taking you to dinner.”  He told her and she turned her eyes to him.

“But there’s no restaurant up here is there?”

“No.”  Phil agreed, “But you’re the kind of girl that likes to eat in.”  He said as the elevator stopped and the doors slid open.  Rae gave him a quizzical look.  She couldn’t fault his logic, she still didn’t feel that comfortable eating in front of people and the idea of eating at a restaurant was sometimes terrifying.  Phil fished a key from his pocket and opened up a door at the end of the corridor.  A huge room with a king sized bed greeted them.  But on the floor near the huge windows that overlooked the town was a blanket spread out, cushions of all sizes scattered atop and dozens of candles surrounding it.  She could see the sun setting through the windows and her mouth opened in surprise as she took it all in.

“I thought this might be fitting.”  He looked at her face and grinned, he had gotten it right; she looked pleased, “I wanted to set it up myself.”  Phil lamented, “But I wanted to spend time with you more.  So I asked the staff here to help me out.” 

“An indoor picnic.”  Rae grinned and turned to him, “It’s perfect.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I think I Love You’ by Voice of the Beehive _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXRGYz6GaOk>

 

Izzy rolled her eyes and took a deep breath before grinning at Sam who was watching Candace and Josh with a disgusted face. 

They were making out, Candace’s legs wrapped around Josh’s waist. 

“We should go in the other room.”  Sam muttered but Izzy shook her head.

“We’ll wake up Rae and Phil.  And Rae’s still got another-”

“No we won’t.”  Sam grinned slightly; he clearly had a secret that he wanted to divulge.

“What are you hiding Sam?”  Izzy narrowed her eyes. 

“I saw Phil booking another room for tonight.”  Sam said and Izzy furrowed her brows.

“So?”

“So I reckon he and Rae are gonna finally fuck.”  Sam shrugged.

“Just cos he got a room, don’t mean Rae’s there with him.”

“It’s got a king sized bed.”  Sam said, but Izzy shook her head.  “Alright then, come to the other room.”  He took the key Phil had left on the side and Izzy’s jaw dropped slightly; if Phil had left the key here it was more likely that no one was in the other room.  Sam took her by the hand and they snuck past Elsa’s room to the other room. 

Izzy’s heart dropped when she saw that it was empty.  But then she saw that their bags were still here, as were their trophies.

“They’re coming back.”  She said as she picked up Rae’s trophy.

“Yeah in the morning before Elsa finds out.”  Sam grinned.  He looked over at the middle bed and sat down.  “Seems like everyone’s getting some except for us.”  He cocked an eyebrow and Izzy gave him an unimpressed look.

“I’m engaged Sam!”  Nonetheless she sat down on the bed beside him.  “Besides, don’t you like Candace?”

“I like lots o’ girls.”  Sam shrugged, “Bryn’s got a thing for you.”

“No he doesn’t.”  Izzy looked scandalised and shook her head. 

“Yeah he does!”  Sam laughed. 

“Doesn’t he have a thing for Chlo?”

“Everyone’s got a fucking thing for Chlo.  Girls wanna be her.  Boys wanna do her.” 

“Sam!”  Izzy hit his arm.

“What?”  He feigned innocence.  “Anyway,” Sam said slowly, “Bryn says it’s a crime that a girl as young and beautiful as you is engaged.”  Izzy furrowed her brows, “You know, maybe you should be free and trying things out…” 

“It wouldn’t be you Sam, even if I were gonna try things out.”  Izzy said firmly.

“Why not?  You made out with Peter.”  Sam looked at her expectantly.  “You clearly got a bit of a wild girl in you.”  He brushed his hand across the back of her hand and Izzy looked down at where he had touched her. 

“I suppose I do.”  She said softly.  She’d often felt like she wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else.  Chop had been her only lover, and he would continue to be her only lover because they were going to get married.  She loved Chop, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to die having only slept with one man.  She knew that that kind of thing was supposed to be the ideal, but she just didn’t feel it in her bones.  She knew that girls were supposed to only have sex with the man they married.  She has fantasised about it as a little girl.  About the magical, mystical ‘one.’  But as she had gotten older, she’d realised what bollocks that was as her best two friends were put through the wringer by love and boys.  She’d gotten off lightly in that regard; her only man, Chop, was a decent man.  But she was curious.  And she supposed she’d have to talk to Chop about that sometime soon.  She was in no mood for waiting around anymore; she was going to get everything she wanted out of this life.  A life she suspected would be cut short.  But Sam, was not one of the things she wanted. 

“So let’s fuck.”  He said with a grin, “I’ve always had a thing for you and-”

“Not gonna happen Sam.”  Izzy said with a shrug.  “I’m sorry.” 

“Why not?”  He looked almost devastated and Izzy felt a pang of sympathy for him. 

“Engaged,” she held up her ring finger, “remember?”

“Well,” Sam looked confused, “We’ll just make out then.”  He grinned cheekily, “What happens at drama camp, stays at drama camp.”

“Sam!”

“It’s not like Rae’s gonna go running to tell Finn what her and Phil have been up to.”  Sam said with a smug grin.  “No one’s gonna know…”

“Sam, you’re useless at keeping secrets.”  Izzy told him, “So everyone would know.”  Izzy shook her head, “And Rae and Phil aren’t doing anything.”  Izzy tried to convince herself, but she had noticed how they had been looking at each other these past few days.  She didn’t want the gang to break apart, and it just occurred to her how terrible an idea it was to have all her closest friends going out with each other.  If something happened between two of them, the gang would break up. 

“Who cares what they’re doing, we could be doing something!”  Sam insisted and put his hand on Izzy’s lower back.  She stood up and turned to him.

“I’m not interested in you that way Sam.”  Izzy told him.  “And you’re not interested in me that way!”

“I just told you that I am!”  He stood up and Izzy suddenly noticed that he was between her and the door. 

“Well too bad.  Go ask Candace if she wants a threesome.”  Izzy folded her arms over her chest and eyed the door longingly.  Sam looked at her forlornly for a moment and lowered his eyes. 

“Are you really gonna be with that guy forever Izzy?”  Sam asked, keeping his eyes on his toes.

“Probably.”  Izzy answered honestly. 

“But after… you know, the chemo and stuff… you seemed more daring and…”  He paused and looked up at her, “You don’t seem like the kind of girl that wants to get tied down.  Not anymore.” 

“Are you really using my cancer to try and get in me pants, Sam?”

“No that’s not what I meant.”  He said hurriedly, “Like, regardless of tonight… I don’t think you’re the marrying type Izzy.  Are you?”  Izzy pulled a face at him and looked back to the door. 

“I don’t really wanna go back in there with them two shagging.”  Izzy said softly, “Are you gonna behave yourself?”  She asked him sternly.

“You didn’t answer me question.”  He said astutely.

“Because I don’t owe you an answer or an explanation or justification of me life choices Sam.”  Izzy snapped. 

“So I’m right.”  He nodded and smiled grimly before sitting back down on the bed.  He looked up at her and Izzy was struck by the expression on his face, one of grim determination, patience and desire. 

“It don’t matter if you’re right or wrong Sam, it’s none of your business.”

“Alright.”  He shrugged. “So we’re not gonna…?”

“No, we’re not.” 

“Alright.”  He shrugged again and started to undress.  Izzy averted her eyes and looked at the door again; he wasn’t standing in front of it anymore, but she really had nowhere else to go.  Candace and Josh were at it in the other room.  She sighed and sat down on the bed closest to the door, taking Phil’s things off it. 

“I’m going to sleep.”  She said and got into the bed without taking her clothes off. 

“Alright beautiful.”  Sam gave her a cheeky grin and settled down, in his underwear, in the middle bed.

“Less of that thank you!”  Izzy answered unimpressed.

“Just telling the truth Isabella.” 

“Have you been on the fucking booze or something?”  She shook her head and looked up at the ceiling. 

“Nope.”  Sam laid on his back and put his hands behind his head, “But when I told Bryn you was taken, he just shrugged and said ‘nothing lasts forever.’”  Sam looked over at her, “And that gives me courage that all the bad things in life will pass me by eventually… and that with patience, I might be able to get some of the good things.”  He grinned gently and turned onto his side with his back to her.

“I’m not a thing Sam.”  She turned her back on him and settled down to sleep.

“Who said I were talking about you girl?”  He asked with a grin that translated into his voice.  Izzy furrowed her brows.

“You know Sam, you’re making it very hard to like you.” 

“Shut up Iz, I’m trying to go to sleep.”  Izzy turned to him in annoyance.  The sun hadn’t even fully set yet; they’d all come back to the rooms early because Josh had feigned illness, and Elsa was feeling genuinely unwell.  Sam and Izzy both knew that they weren’t going to sleep yet; they just wanted to get away from the action in the other room.

“Can I put the tv on?”  She asked quietly. 

“Yeah.”  He grinned at her, “I’m not even close to tired.”  He chuckled.  She got out of the bed and turned the tv on, plumping up the pillows in her own bed before settling into a night of watching mindless tv; her mind wondering over all the things Sam had said. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘When I Fall In Love’ by Nat King Cole _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y39N72hN7iQ>

 

Rae sat down and Phillip went to the phone and called down to the front desk.  She tried not to listen, but there was no doubt that he was paying quite well to get the food sent up immediately; someone had to go to a shop of some sort to get it. 

“It’s ok Phil.”  She grinned at him when he sat down with an apologetic look, “I can wait for food you know.”

“Oh I know.”  He said shaking his head.

“Then why the apologetic look?”

“I don’t like-” He stopped himself, but there was no dancing around the topic, “I don’t like throwing my money around.  Makes me feel like a rich wanker, you know?”

“How much money do you have?”  Rae asked and he blushed slightly, lowering his eyes.

“I don’t know how much my parents-”

“I mean you Phil, not them.”  She watched him take a deep breath, “I’m being too nosy, I’m sorry.”  She shook her head, “You don’t have to tell me.” 

“I have enough money saved up to pay for university.”  Phillip said with a nod.

“That’s bloody good!”  Rae said with a grin, “A lot better than me.”  She grimaced. 

“And…” He lowered his eyes, “And I have a trust find.” 

“What’s that?”  She thought it must be something terrible by the way he was acting.

“My father put a sum of money away for me,” he answered, “so that when I come of age, I will get… a very large lump sum of money.” 

“Why are you so upset about that?”  Rae furrowed her brows confused.

“As has been pointed out to me,” Phil said, thinking about Finn, “I did nothing to earn that money.”  He gave her a wan smile, “it’s a bit embarrassing really.”

“Don’t be daft,” Rae told him, “if I had to put up with your family I’d feel like it’d earned a million quid.”  Rae nodded with a grin and Phil felt himself grinning in reply. 

“Well, it’s as bit more than that.”  He mumbled quietly.

“Are you fucking serious?”  She asked him and he nodded slowly. “Well if I ever get into trouble, I know where I’m going!”  She laughed.

“Anything you need, until the day I die.”  He told her.  They shared a look for a moment, the reality of this situation starting to sit on Rae’s chest.  This was the moment where she was supposed to choose between Finn and Phil.  She had thought the decision would be so easy, but right now all she wanted was to not have to make the decision. 

She wanted them both. 

At first she had thought she just wanted Phil for his friendship, but now she knew if she could get away with it, she’d like to go out with both lads. 

But that wasn’t fair on either one of them and she felt like an awful selfish brat for even thinking about it.

But the feeling wouldn’t leave her.  She was deeply in love with Finn; he would always be her number one.  But she loved Phil too, and she didn’t want to lose what they had here.  She wanted both of them. 

More than ever, she wished she was like Elsa.  Elsa would just fearlessly lay down the law and tell them how it was.  She wouldn’t feel like a bad person for wanting what she wanted, for needing to be adored by so many beautiful men.  She’d just be who she was and tell everyone else it was their choice how to deal with that.

But Rae knew she couldn’t do that.  She wasn’t Elsa, and she really did need to choose.  For so many reasons.  But the choice was already made, it had been made long ago. 

So she settled back, and decided to enjoy this uncomplicated moment of love with Phil, before everything had to change between them. 

“Anything?”  Rae teased with a sad smile that she made herself turn into a real smile, “What about when my inevitable mismanaging of my income leads me to being a street bum?”

“You can come live with me.”  Phil grinned.

“I won’t pay board for the spare bed.”  She grinned. 

“I’m sure we can come to an arrangement.”  Phil said with a devious grin.  Rae laughed at his joke and Phil shook his head, “You know, I’d never do that, right?”

“I dunno Phil, maybe when I’m a street bum I’m ok with that kind of thing.” 

“Ah well then, if you’re alright with it, who am I to judge?”  There was a knock on the door and Phil got up to get it.  Rae took in the bright colours of the sunset for a moment; it was just on its last legs before it would be over and she wanted to take it in; it was such a glorious view from here. 

“It’s beautiful.”  She mumbled when he sat down beside her with the food.

“Yeah.”  He agreed and handed her a wrapped paper bag.  It was a bag of chips in newspaper.  Her mouth opened in surprise as he produced the plates and white bread and butter.

“Chip butties?”  She asked incredulously.

“Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Aye it’s fucking perfect!”  She laughed, “My all-time favourite sandwich.”  She unwrapped the chips, “I haven’t had ‘em since I were a little girl.”  She shook her head, feeling oddly choked up, she looked up at him, “How did you know?”

“Just seemed like a Rae kind of thing.”  She smiled gratefully, lovingly, at this beautiful man and grabbed the bread and butter. 

“I was gonna do the buttering.”  He grinned and Rae handed them back to him to let him do it.  She picked up a chip and ate it, enjoying the way he looked at her when she ate.  He handed her a piece of buttered bread and she put the softest fattest chips on one half of the bread before folding it over. She noticed he hadn’t handed her a second piece of bread; he’d even guessed how she had chip sandwiches. 

“How is it that you know me so well?”  She asked taking a big bite of her sandwich.

“I pay attention.”  He shrugged, “I don’t think it’s that hard, but from what I’ve seen of just about every other male on the planet,” Except Finn, he thought to himself, “It is.”  He shrugged, “maybe it’s just you.  You bring out the best in people.” 

“That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s said to me.”  Rae heard another knock on the door and Phil got up again.

“Just telling the truth… especially with me.  You bring out the best in me.”  He went to the door before she had chance to reply and Rae turned to watch him.  A waiter from the restaurant brought up two snakebites and Rae chuckled. 

“I’ve never seen you drink beer before Phil.” 

“There’s a first time for everything.”  He said as he gave the lady a tip and closed the door.  He handed her a drink and sat down again, looking out at the growing dusk. 

“That there is Phil.”  Rae looked at Phil thoughtfully.  “So what have you got planned for us tonight?”

“Well, after our high-end meal,” Phil joked.  “I thought we could talk and just enjoy each other’s company.”  Phil thought about this for a moment and added, “and celebrate our resounding victory of course!”  Rae grinned happily; winning the competition had been one of the best moments in life, it gave her such a sense of accomplishment to have written, directed and performed in a winning duologue.

“We make an excellent partnership, don’t we Phil?”  Rae took another piece of bread from Phil and shared a lingering look with him before looking away.  “We should work together more often.”

“You know I’d really love that.”  There was another lingering glance, and Rae began to wonder if she was going to make it through this whole dinner.  Philip was a remarkably attractive young man and Rae was nervous about what was to come, but eager to taste his lips again.  She knew that Finn had gifted them this one chance to explore what might have been, to explore what could be, to explore what was best for them.  It was an extraordinarily unselfish act and Rae was deeply grateful.  The more she thought about what Finn was doing for her tonight, the less bad she felt about the situation with Elsa.  It wasn’t that she got to taste her candle the way Finn had tasted his, it was that she was humbled by his unselfishness and felt she had much to learn in that regard.

The conversation flowed easily between her and Phil, they were well suited to each other intellectually and although he didn’t always get her humour, they laughed together like long-time friends, almost like long-time lovers.  Rae was always good at banging on but with Phil she found a man who was just as good at banging on as her.  And she really enjoyed that.  She loved that Finn was quiet and kind and that he put so much effort into talking for her, but there was something so appealing about a lad who can communicate so well, so freely, so easily.  There was an honesty in every word he said, and she felt more deeply connected with him with every passing hour.  But she also grew more anxious as time passed, awaiting the declaration that she knew would come. 

They drank snakebites, they talked, laughed, celebrated, and got quite tipsy, while they thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. 

For Phil having the chance to talk to Rae like this, uninterrupted, for so long, was a dream come true.  What he had to say to her, sat in the pit of his stomach like a leaden stone and fell at his chest was filled a flock of red-billed queleas.  The best bit was, he knew if he told her that, she’d get it.  Phil knew that once they talked about his love for her, everything would change, but he was so enjoying everything as it was now.  So he continued to delay telling her how deeply in love he was with her.

They were sat so close to each other, and the conversation was filled with gentle touches, lingering glances, and increasingly obvious sexual chemistry.  When Phil leaned in and kissed Ray’s lips, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.  Rae had never thought it would feel natural to kiss anyone, there was a time when she had thought no one would ever kiss her.  To find the Phil’s kisses were as natural to her as Finn’s, and almost as welcome, was a revelation.  The way he stroked her face, the way his fingers tangled in her; it was instantly recognisable.  These were clearly the actions of a young man in love.  Rae’s continued low self-esteem was utterly baffled by the way Phil touched her.  She had thought it was an anomaly, a miracle that Finn had wanted her, that he loved her somehow.  Finn was quite literally her ideal; he was truly perfect to her.  But here was Phil, who was damn near perfect, and he loved her just as much as Finn did.

How was something like this even possible?

How could two attractive, intelligent, kind and wholly remarkable young men be totally and irreversibly in love with her?

Rae’s long held beliefs about herself were taking a much-needed battering.  She had always hated herself.  She had always seen herself as unlovable.  She had always seen herself as lesser, as unworthy, as almost nothing.

All of this was obviously quite untrue.

She knew from the time with Kester, that she shouldn’t base her self-esteem off what others thought of her, but there was something so deliriously uplifting about having the love of two such incredible human beings.

What had she done to deserve it?

But her thoughts were easily driven from her mind by the feel of Phil’s body as he moved closer, his kisses growing deeper and more passionate.  Rae was surprised by how eagerly she returned the kisses, by how ready her body was to receive him.  She allowed herself to slowly lay back on the blanket and Phil, clearly surprised by her action, still managed to follow her smoothly, lying beside her, but leaning over her, his lips, never leaving hers.

After a long time kissing her lips tenderly but deeply and slowly, Phil paused to look lovingly into her eyes.

“Can I touch your body Rae?  Properly?”  He whispered achingly, his words caressing her ears warmly.  Rae knew that this was the time when she should probably tell him to start talking, but instead she felt her head nodding.  She decided to tell herself that it was the alcohol that made her so brazen, but she knew it wasn’t, the alcohol might loosen her up, but she had wanted this long before she was tipsy.  The small smile that caressed the corners of Phil’s mouth told Rae that Phil had not been expecting her to say yes again.  His hand slowly chased down her face, his thumb lingering on her lips, before his fingertips on her neck sent a shiver of delight down her spine.  Phil again began to kiss Rae, his lips gently grazing hers several times before he quite suddenly plunged into a deep, deep kiss.  Rae felt utterly breathless and completely transfixed by his lips, she barely noticed the feel of his hand gently unbuttoning her shirt, but she felt the groan in the back of his throat as his fingertips touched the bare skin of her stomach.  The way Phil kissed her felt as though he would actually devour her, and Rae couldn’t focus on anything other than the feel of his tongue.  It wasn’t until his fingers gently slipped over her clitoris, that Rae became fully aware of what she had agreed to.  But before she had chance to even comprehend this, pleasure was rocketing through her body.  She felt his fingers inside of her, felt them expertly finding everyplace that elicited a groan from her lips.  She felt the way his thumb gently circled her clitoris, slowly, languorously, while his fingers were making her come undone; he was in no hurry, as if he had all night to do this, as if his fingers were strong enough to do it forever.

But he didn’t need forever, all too quickly, Rae felt that rush from her centre, that heat spreading throughout her body.  Phil’s face lit up in delight as her body shook with orgasm; he had not expected her to come so easily.  The way she gasped, the way her mouth opened, the way her body moved, her wetness, her scent, her taste; Phil was amazed and transfixed by her perfection.  He had never hoped to see her like this, and the privilege was not lost on him.  He took it in, committing it to that memory of his in minute, and intimate detail.

Rae gasped as Phil began to kiss her neck, positioning himself so his other hand could gently cup her breast, his fingers caressing her nipple under her bra.  Phil kept his hand in Rae’s pants.  His fingers sweetly and insistently seeking new places inside of her that would bring her pleasure.  Rae was surprised to feel herself rushing towards a second orgasm and she groaned louder, her hands clasping Phil’s arm, her back arching beautifully as her head rolled back in pleasure.  As the warm afterglow of orgasm settled into Rae’s body, she looked up at Phil’s face and saw his expression of utter amazement.  She was jolted by not seeing Finn looking down at her lovingly.  Something inside of her churned, as she realised that not only did Phil love her as much as Finn did, she loved Phil far more than she had realised.

“You look at me like everything I do is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen and like… like you’re committing it all to memory.”

“It is,” Phil murmured as he started to kiss her neck, “and I am.”

“I’m not that amazing Phil.”  Rae tried to not let her head roll back, but his kisses could only be described as sweet ecstasy and she felt her body bending to his every desire.

“Yes. You are.”  His mouth travelled slowly down her neck to her chest and Rae moaned as he gently slipped her shirt and bra off.

“I thought we were supposed to be talking to Phil.”  Rae made herself say it, even though his mouth was on her breasts and she didn’t want him to stop.

“Yes.”  Phil gazed at her with trepidation, “I suppose Finn told you what we’re supposed to be talking about?”

“He did.”  Rae said reluctantly, “I know what you’re going to say.”

“Do we even need to have this talk?”  Phil pulled his hand out of her pants, “we both know what we’re both going to say.”  Rae watched Phil taste her on his fingertips and felt a soft groan in the back of her throat; she knew he’d be good at going down.  “We both know how it’s gonna end.  And if we do have this conversation… we lose what we’ve got now.” 

“Phil…” Rae didn’t know what to say to him because even though she knew they should talk.  There was a big part of her that agreed with him.

“I just want to make love to you tonight because I know that’s all I’ll get.”  He said the words softly, so softly that Rae could almost feel the pain behind them.

“Phil, I don’t know what to say to you.”  Rae felt tears stinging at her eyes. 

“It’s fine Rae, I have learnt, far too well, that you don’t get to choose who you have feelings for.”  He stroked her face soothingly, “you don’t owe me anything just because…” Phil stopped himself from saying it.  This was not how he wanted to tell her he loved her.  “You’re right, we do have a lot to talk about.”  He conceded sadly, “I do so hope that we will make love tonight regardless of this conversation?”  Rae didn’t know how she felt.  She didn’t know if she could or should make love with Phil.  She knew part of her wanted to, but now that it came to it, she was so unsure. 

“I dunno if…” She answered slowly

“Then,” Phil’s voice was sad beyond anything Rae had heard from him before.  “It needs to not happen.”  He was still holding her.  Their bodies were still so close, but Phil felt the distance between them acutely.

“I said I didn’t know.”  Rae said suddenly, “I didn’t say that I wouldn’t make up my mind.”  Rae felt a sudden surge of annoyance.  “You and Finn both have an annoying habit of making my mind up for me!”  Rae thought back to Finn bring the brakes on sexual exploration because he thought that was best for her and her annoyance grew.  “Like this whole fucking dinner thing…”

“I’m sorry.”  Phil felt her body shaking with annoyance, desire, fear and indecision.  He didn’t know what to do or say to make her feel better.  “Finn just wanted to give you what you wanted.  And he asked me to help, so I did.  Of course I did; it’s you.”

“I understand that.”  Rae fell Phil gently starting to let her go.  And that odd mixture of regret and relief filled her being again.  “But maybe what I wanted was for nothing to change.  And now it will.”

“Maybe the change will be better?”  Phil said, obviously not believing his own words.

“Do you really believe that Phil?”

“I really don’t know Rae.”  Phil sat up and held a hand out to Rae and she sat up too.  “Part of me knows that you love Finn and would never choose anything to jeopardise your relationship with him.  But part of me hopes… Part of me even believes…” His eyes rested on her, and he was surprised to see a similar ache in her eyes.

“Who knows what will happen after we have this talk Phil.”  Rae’s voice barely made a sound, “we both know that I love Finn very much.  But… if nothing else… this whole thing has taught me that I love you as well.”  Phil felt a sudden jolt of electricity through his body.  He had known, suspected, mostly hoped, that she felt the same way.  He had never truly believed she would tell him this. 

“You…?”  He could barely get his mouth to work, his brain had stopped dead.  But his body was alight with joy and hope and possibility.

“I love you Phillip.”  She said the words simply, without artifice, and with utter honesty.  “So…” She shook her head.  “So this was supposed to be you declaring your feelings for me, but… here we are…” She put a hand on his face and almost had to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, “I’m declaring mine for you.”  She stroked his face gently and thoughtfully.  “But I don’t know what it means because of Finn… and…” She looked away and let her hand drop into her lap.  “I wish nothing had to change.”  She whispered sadly.

“I’m sorry that Finn and I did this to you.”  Phil’s brows furrowed as he considered the situation, “it’s not really fair to force someone’s hand if they don’t want to make a decision.  Finn and I are both old enough to make our own decisions, and we both chose to stay where we were with you, and we would have continued to make that decision, even without forcing your decision like this.  I’m very sorry.”  Phil apologised to her, “I hate doing anything that brings you pain.” 

“Well look at what I’m doing to you two as well.”  Rae countered gently. 

“This whole thing has been kinda painful for everyone.”  Phil took her hand gently and they once again found themselves staring into each other’s eyes.

“And confusing.”  Rae added with a soft laugh.  Phil chuckled gently with her, “I didn’t even know I could feel this way.  It’s daft!”  Her incredulous laugh was infectious and Phil felt his sadness instantly lifting.  “And where’s your declaration for me you jerk?”  They both laughed, finding an odd kind of joy in their confusing situation.  Phil’s love for her slid through his body and he put his hands on her face and looked deeply into her eyes.

“I’m so in love with you.”  His voice was breathless and rushed as if he could no longer hold it in after all this time.  He hadn’t known how she’d react but somehow her gentle smile and her hand on his face was exactly what he expected; of course Rae would do that.  He grinned fondly at her and stroked her face, he couldn’t turn his eyes away from hers, even if he had wanted to, but he didn’t; he wanted to stare at her for the rest of his life.  “I am so deeply in love with you Rae.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I’m on Fire’ by Bruce Springsteen _

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzQvGz6_fvA>

 

Chop sat down with a thud in the lounge room.  He looked around the empty room and felt intensely lonely.  Since he’d brought Izzy home from the hospital he had not spent one night away from her, he’d intended to not spend a night away from her for the rest of his life.  But school had conspired to bring about this sad, lonely moment and he sipped on his beer and contemplated how lonely felt.

“Fuck Chop look at the state of you?  You need to start listening to some fucking country music.”  Chop muttered to himself.  He leaned back on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table.  He’d been thinking a lot about his mates when he had the chance; they’d all seemed to turn out differently than he’d expected.  He didn’t like that it took him so long to be supportive.  He didn’t like that he had to understand a thing, in order to support it.  These were his mates, his family; he should support them unconditionally.  But if he was honest with himself, he was confused by Archie’s sadomasochistic relationship, he was confused by Chloe’s open relationship, and he was confused by the whole Finn, Rae, Phil debacle.  He was beginning to suspect that not only was he the vanilla one of the group, he was the dumb one.  Izzy had always been smarter than him, her kindness made people think she was dumb, but she really wasn’t, and now she was far more daring than him.  It didn’t matter though, he and Iz were forever and they’d deal with all of that.  And as for his friends, they were very patient and forgiving with him as he struggled to understand everything. 

He hated when Izzy wasn’t around, because that’s when he ruminated like this.  He could be going over the books of his company, but instead he always found himself ruminating over how things were changing and how he didn’t know if he could keep up.

He stopped himself ruminating and instead made his mind turned to thoughts of Izzy.  He closed his eyes and let his mind wander over her body.  His fingers twitched as he imagined plunging them into her hair, trailing them down her silky skin, gently pushing them into her wet pussy.  The urge to taste Izzy was building in his gut and he knew that the minute she got home he was going to lay her down on the bed and make love to her cunt with his mouth.  Chop’s tongue slowly licked the corner of his mouth as he let his hand find its way into his pants.  He remembered the way she sounded when she came and slowly started to stroke his cock.

“Izzy baby.”  He murmured as he pulled his pants down and set his cock free.  He imagined the way she felt under his hands, picking her up and sliding into her as he slammed her back into the wall.  Ever since he had taken Finn’s advice and started to pay really close attention to Izzy, he had become obsessed with her; he could probably tell you where every freckle was on her skin.  When he masturbated, he couldn’t bring himself to think about any other girl but her, whereas in the past, he’d always thought about a variety of women, both from his real life and from his magazines and pornos.  Now it was Izzy.  That’s not to say you couldn’t see the beauty in other women; he absolutely could.  It’s just that he couldn’t imagine fucking other women.  He’d always thought Finn was like that with Rae.  But obviously not.

Chop stopped himself from ruminating again and focused in on Izzy’s divine taste.  He felt his mouth watering and his cock starting to throb, as he imagined the things he’d be doing to her when she got home tomorrow.

Chop felt his orgasm hurtling towards him and stopped masturbating.  His cock throbbed almost painfully, but he was waiting for her.  He always waited for her now.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Even When I’m Sleeping’ by Leonard’s bride _

[ _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ1ydd5OzWc_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ1ydd5OzWc)

__

And Rae was ready for him.  His lips were on hers, and she was ready.

Finn had told her no questions asked.

Phil was deeply in love with her.

She loved him too.

She was ready.

“Stop.”  She whispered the word regretfully.  Phil stopped and looked her in the eye.  Her entire being was clearly filled with desire for him.  He furrowed his brow.

“Do you not want to?”  Phil was surprised at himself for even asking.

“That’s not it Phil.”  Rae stroked his cheek apologetically, “I so do… I so want to make love to you…” She saw the look of confusion on Phil’s face.  “But I don’t know if I can.”  She looked down at her lap for a moment before looking back up of Phil.  “I like that Finn is the only man I’ve ever made love with.  And maybe I want to keep it that way.  And maybe I don’t.  I really just don’t know.”

“You know I want you to be sure…” He slowly pulled away but Rae held him closer and shook her head. 

“Neither of us want this to be a regret.”  Rae whispered, “But…”  She furrowed her brows; her emotions were a white snow storm inside her skull. 

“I will always respect whatever choice you make here Rae.”  Phil said gently.  He stroked her face, “As long as you make whatever choice you’re about to make for you, and not for someone else.”  Phil gave her an encouraging smile, “And I mean Finn or me there.”  He told her, “make the right choice for you, don’t worry about Finn or I; we’ll figure ourselves out.” 

“I am thinking about me.”  Rae said softly.  “I hate how much I’m thinking about me.” 

“Why?”  Phil asked shaking his head, “Why would you think it’s a bad thing to think about yourself?”  His voice was soft and reassuring, “This world is really fucked up Rae.  If we don’t look after ourselves… very few other people will.  This world is doubly fucked up that it tells us that it’s a bad thing to look after ourselves.”  Rae nodded slowly, obviously unable to speak at the moment.  “Do you need me to back off?”  His voice cracked slightly, “Is that what you can’t say?” 

“No.”  She shook her head, “That’s not what I want.”

“So you want me?”  He moved slightly closer, but his hands stayed on her face, even though they itched to touch her still bare skin. 

“I do.”  She whispered, “But I want Finn too.”  She looked horrified at what she was saying, “I guess I want my cake and to eat it too.”  She lowered her eyes, ashamed of her feelings. 

“I never understood that saying.”  Phil said reassuringly, “Why would you have a cake and not eat it?”  Rae looked up at him with a serious face, halfway between unimpressed with his joke and relieved he didn’t hate her for wanting them both.  “I’m sorry.”  He lowered his eyes as she stared at him. 

“The truth is Phil, I need you in my life…” She tried to explain, “you give me something that no one else can.”  Phil nodded, and Rae knew that he understood.  She knew he understood what she had just said, and also what she was about to say, “And Finn, he gives me…”

“He gives you something too.”  Phil nodded, “I get it.”  He whispered to her, “He loves you in exactly the same way I do.”  He stroked her hair, “So I understand why you’d want to be with him.”  His hands felt kind and gentle as he stroked her hair, “You get to have one of the rarest, most unique things to exist… twice.”  He told her, “I would die for you Rae.  People say it, but they rarely mean it.”  Phillip shook his head, “But we both know he means it.  And I mean it too.”  He smiled sadly and Rae knew it was true.  Had it been Phil facing off against Saul in her room, he would have died for her.  Finn nearly died; it was only his years of boxing and training that gave him any chance.  But Phil… He would have died trying to protect her.  Rae’s eyes stung with tears and she let them fall.  He gently stroked them from her cheeks and looked deep into her eyes, “That’s who you are Rae.  That’s what you inspire in those around you.”  He gave her a moment with those words, as he allowed the knowledge he’d been hiding from all these months sink into his body.  “I love you more than my own life Rae Earl.  And I know… I know… it’s not me.”

“I’m so sorry Phil.”  She said through her tears, “But I love him in a way I don’t think I’m capable of repeating ever again.”  She lowered her eyes, “Not like this…”  She looked back up at him, “I can never give you what you deserve, what you need.”  She whispered the last words with real regret. 

“So you’re telling me no.”  Phil said softly, “That we can’t make this work.” 

“Yes, I’m telling you no.”  Rae sobbed as she saw the pain in his eyes.  A pain he was trying to hide, to protect her; even now, after this rejection. 

“And you’re sure of this?”  He asked, his voice unnaturally steady.  Rae had to marvel at his self-control. 

“No.”  She sobbed and Phil’s instinct to protect and sooth her kicked in.  He took her into his arms and stroked her hair gently. 

“It’s ok.”  He whispered to her.  “I’m sorry.”  His voice was deep and calming, “I shouldn’t push.”

“No Phil… please don’t be sorry.”  Rae wiped her nose with the back of her hands and tried to contain herself.  “Just tell me what you’re really thinking.”  She said firmly and looked up at him.  Phil’s eyes clouded over for a moment.

“What I’m really thinking.”  He said with a deep breath, his eyes staring off.

“Yes.”  Rae whispered, slightly afraid of the pain she had caused him. 

“I could make you happy Rae.”  He shrugged and looked down at her with a wan smile. 

“I know.”  She answered without a hint of doubt.  “That’s why I’m not sure about saying no to you but…”  She took a deep breath, understanding her heart perfectly, “I’m sure of saying yes to Finn.  I am so sure of him and I’ll never not be sure of him.”  She said with a knowing tone, “And I’m sure of my relationship with him.”  She sat up and took his face in her hands, “So me saying no to you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with Finn.”

“Oh fuck.”  Phil looked away and took a few deep breaths to try and contain the tears in his eyes. 

“He’s the one for me Phillip.  There is no one else.” Rae hated having to tell him this.  But she knew it was true.  She also knew that if there were a chance she could have both of them, she’d take it.  But not at the expense of either of them. 

“Aren’t we better suited for each other?”  He asked softly and Rae shrugged wearily. 

“Maybe... Probably even…”  Rae acknowledged.  “But with Finn… there’s this fire that won’t be denied.”  Rae thought of the fire between them, the electricity, the chemicals… whatever it was it was powerful and it was not something she could ever ignore.  “So, you and me Phil, we might be more similar.  Might not be, I’m more like Finn than you think.”  She said honestly, “And I’m not gonna play that game of who’s better suited to me because no one sets me on fire like he does.  The way he makes me feel Phillip is… one of a kind.  It’s a unique, pure, burning, blissful love.”  She watched his whole body drop and ached for him, not sure whether to tell him that the love she had for him was unique too, just not like Finn’s; wouldn’t that make everything worse for him?  To know just how close he was?  “So Phillip.  Let me be clear, I love you…. so much.”  She shook her head, tears streaming down her face and Phil was forced to look back at her; compelled by the emotion in her voice, “You’ll never know how much.”  She whispered, “But I would love to be friends with you and nothing else.”  Her voice was raw and thick with emotion, and it made Phil ache to heal her, to do her no harm, “I’m telling you no.  As clearly as I can – no.”  She saw him take in a shuddering breath filled with tears and before she knew it she had taken him into her arms, unable to stop herself from comforting.  “No.”  She whispered to him as she rocked him, feeling the pain with him, “No.”  Her voice cracked painfully.  “I’m so sorry phil.  You deserve happiness, and I hope you find it.”  She stroked his hair lovingly, “But it won’t be with me.”

They sat like that for a long time, both crying, clinging to each other, not really wanting to let go. 

“Could it ever have been me?”  His voice sounded lost and wounded and Rae instinctively pulled him to her even closer, hurting when he hurt.  She loved him even more than she understood; this was becoming more apparent with every passing moment. 

“In a world where Finn is, it’s always gonna be him.”  She owed him her complete honesty.  He nodded slowly and sat back up, taking in her tear-stained face.  “If I had never met Finn, Phil… we would have been an incredible couple.”  She said almost as if reminiscing on a past they never shared, a future they would never have.  “But from the moment I met him.  No,” She corrected herself, “from the very instant I first saw him, I was his.  And I will be till the day I die.  You understand?”

“I do.”  Phil’s answered, wishing he could be numb, “Because from the moment I saw you, I was yours.”  Rae felt the wind knock out of her.  She knew how much he loved her, but every time he did something that reminded her of the amount, it stunned her.   

“Then you know how unbreakable my bond with Finn is.”  She said resolutely. 

“I know.  I guess I always knew.”  His voice was sad, but his face was still filled with love for her as he stroked her cheek, “but now you know.”  He smiled, sad but genuinely, “I love you Rae Earl.  With everything I am.”

“I love you too Phil.”  Rae answered honestly, her emotion threatening to choke her. 

“And no matter what,” Phil said, gently stroking her hair, “No matter where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with, I’m yours.”  He looked into her eyes, “You’ve always got a backup plan ok?  Even if you don’t want it… me….” He kissed her forehead, lingering achingly, “You only have to say the word.”

“That’s not fair on you Phillip.”  Rae could barely say the words she hurt for him so deeply. 

“I know.”  He smiled and took her face in his hand, “But that’s the way it is.  Because I’ll always love you and I’d rather be second place for you than first place to a girl I don’t love.”  Rae sobbed slightly and Phil made a soft noise of sorrow and took her into his arms again.  “Don’t feel bad about this Rae.”  He stroked her hair and yearned to hear different words than the ones they had shared tonight. 

“I’ve felt like I’ve had a deficit of love my whole life.”  Her voice was higher pitched than usual and cracking with tears heartbreakingly.  Phil held her closer and wished his arms encircling her could take away her pain.    “Now I’ve got Finn, so obviously in love with me and I find myself unable to believe it.  Unable to believe that I could be worthy of so much love.  And yet there it is right in front of me.  Why can’t I just accept it?  I know it’s true… but…”  She sat up slowly, staying in his arms, their faces close and looked into his eyes, “and then there’s you… telling me that you love me…”

“And I do.”  He whispered.

“My whole life… I’ve wanted this kind of love and adoration…”  She whispered in return, “And I never imagined that I’d ever tell anyone to stop loving me, but Phil… you have to stop loving me.”  Her voice hitched in pain and he knew she didn’t want to lose his love.  He knew she was telling him this for his own sake, even though she would miss him and his love if he were to leave her life. 

“I can’t.”  He answered honestly, “I’ve tried.”  He shrugged.  “You need to stop worrying about me and how I feel about this.”  He told her.

“D’you really think I can just do that?”  She asked almost angrily.

“No.”  He acknowledged.  Inside he felt as if his entire world was collapsing in on itself, but there was no way that she would see all of that pain.  It was inevitable that she would see some of it; he wasn’t that good of an actor yet as to be able to hide all of it.  But he would not have her feel guilty for making the right decision for herself; no matter how much it killed him.  “I know you can’t just push aside how you feel or what you worry about… or who… who you worry or care about…” He could feel her breath on his face, “You know I know this, because we both know I’ll never be able to stop myself from loving you.  It’s not a choice.”  He watched her nod slowly, “So I need for you to be happy Rae,” He told her, “I love you, and I need to see you be happy.”  He leaned his forehead on hers and felt her shuddering breath cooling his tears.  “That’s my number one need in this life.  So you… you go and be happy with Finn, alright?”  He felt her nod slightly; their foreheads still touching.  

“Do I still get to have you as my friend?  I don’t want anything to change between us…”  She whimpered, her tears closing her throat. 

“Give me a few days to get my shit together…” He said apologetically, “But yeah of course.  I’ll always be yours, in whatever way you need me.”  He reminded her, his hands once again going to her face of their own volition, “And don’t you ever spend a day feeling bad about that alright? That’s my problem, not yours.”

A sorrowful silence descended upon them, Rae wept silently, her forehead still touching his, his hands gently stroking her face. 

“Why would you still be my friend after this?”  She asked sadly after a long silence.

“I’ll be honest Rae,” Phil said with a wry smile, “Sometimes I think it would be easier on me, or better for my mental and emotional health, to stay away from you.”  He stroked her hair, “But it’s not.”  He shook his head slightly, “It’s not.”  He took a deep breath, “I’ll take you any way I can get you.”  Phil answered honestly, “but even if I had never fallen in love with you, your friendship would still be one of the best things to have ever happened to me.”  Phil said firmly.

“I could understand if you didn’t want to be around me anymore.”  Phil noticed the way her fingers tightened on his arms unconsciously, digging into his flesh, her anxiety clearly rising at that thought.  “It’s not fair for me to tell you that I want you around me and that I don’t wanna lose-”

“I don’t want to lose our friendship either.”  He reassured her. 

“I don’t wanna lose you Phil.”  She whispered. 

“And you never will.”  He answered firmly.

“Promise?” 

“I do promise.” 

“Can you hold me?”  She asked, “One last time?”  She looked into his eyes with an apologetic and sorrowful expression, “I know it’s not fair of me to ask, but…” She wanted to feel close to him again.  To feel their intimacy one last time.  How could she say that to him?  But she didn’t need to; he understood.  He stripped off his shirt, his eyes never leaving her and took her into his arms, the bare skin off their chests warm against each other. 

“Do you wanna stay here, or go to the bed?”  He asked gently. 

“I wanna lay down with you.”  She stood up and held her hand out to him.  They walked the bed, Rae sliding her jeans off and slipping under the cool sheets without a word.  Phil followed suit and got into bed, instantly taking her into his arms.  They held each other silently, both feeling utterly exhausted. 

“Can I kiss you goodbye?”  His voice was low and tender.

“Aye, of course.”  Rae answered, “Even though it’s not really goodbye.”

“No.”  Phil reflected that it still felt like it was, even though he’d be seeing her next week again.  “Can I kiss you goodbye all night?”  Rae got a slight glimpse of the crushing pain Phil was feeling when his armour slipped slightly; his desperate need for her showing in his question. 

“Our jaws will drop off Phil.”  She tried to grin.  And he grinned back somehow.

“It’d be worth it.” 

 

 

They didn’t sleep all night.  They laid together as close as they could be.  At times she felt as if they were one person.  They shared a level of emotional intimacy that Rae had never thought she’d have with anyone other than Finn.  They clung together, farewelling the life that might have been lived together.  Not saying much with words, but saying plenty in the way they kissed and touched each other.  It was a night neither of them would forget.  Or regret. 

 

 

Phil did his shoelaces up and sighed internally, not making a sound.  He looked over at her and watched her brushing her hair.

“The room is booked for tonight as well.”  He said softly.  Rae looked over at him with surprise.

“Why?”

“I hoped this conversation would go differently.”  He said sadly, “But I knew how it would go.  And I figured that you and Finn…”  He lowered his eyes, “you’d have some talking to do.  No matter which way it went I suppose.”  He shrugged, “And it seemed only fair to give him a chance to talk privately with you, if you wanted him to, so that you two could… be happy.”  He looked away, “the room is in your name, so if you don’t want him around that’s fine too; it’ll be a comfy bed for you to sleep alone in, if you wanted the time alone.”  He gave her that wan smile of his she had seen too much of lately and she returned it, feeling the same emotional sorrow.  They both knew Finn and her would both be in that bed tonight.  But Rae wasn’t sure what they’d be doing. 

“When we leave this room,” Phil said softly, “It’ll be like none of this happened.”  He looked at her longingly and she went to him, pulling him up off the bed and embracing him.  “I love you.”  He said fiercely as he wrapped his arms around you.

“I love you.”  She told him, “Phil…” She said haltingly, “I don’t know if you wanna hear this.  But I love you so much…” She shook her head, “If it hadn’t been Finn, it most certainly would have been you.”  She stroked his face, “You were almost my forever.”  Phil closed his eyes for a moment, pain stabbing through his chest.  But he held it together and took a deep breath.

“You are my forever.”  He told her and kissed her lips tenderly.  “Goodbye Rae.”  He whispered and stroked her hair, looking into her eyes longingly; knowing that these goodbye kisses would be the last he’d ever share with her. 

“Goodbye Phil.”  Rae stroked his face and returned his kiss passionately; wanting their last kiss to be one they’d both remember fondly in years to come.  They stood, foreheads touching, for a moment longer before Phil found the strength to tear himself away from her; he had had no choice.  If he stayed a moment longer, she would see how badly he was falling apart, and he couldn’t burden her with that. 

He turned and walked from her, leaving the room without looking back.  Rae heard him lean on the door after it closed and understood he had lost strength in his legs; she herself had collapsed back onto the bed as soon as the door closed; her emotions finally getting the better of her too.

She loved him.

How she loved him.

But she didn’t regret her decision for one second. 

It was Finn.  It would always be Finn. 

And she knew without a moment’s doubt or hesitation that she’d made the right decision.  She had only really considered Phil when it had crossed her mind that she’d have both of them.  She’d never considered her life without Finn as a real possibility. 

Finn was the one. 

But Rae was amazed at the depth of love she could have for other people.  It had been so painful to say no to Phil. 

She wept.  But even as she cried her mood and focus shifted; she so wanted… needed to see Finn. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Little Lies’ by Fleetwood Mac _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcjpags7JT8>

 

“So you’re telling me that you spend upwards of ten hours, six days a week, at work?”  Kenzie’s face was filled with concern, but Gary could hear the mild tone of accusation in a voice.

“That’s right.”  He mumbled and took a bite of the dinner she’d cooked for them.

“But…” She looked away, it was clear she was trying to not judge, she was trying to understand, “but don’t you think Finn needs you here?”  Her voice was soft, gently prodding and Gary tried to not be irritated.

“Yes, well I had no choice.”  He replied dourly. 

“Are you saying you had no choice because I wasn’t here?”  Her face was piercingly sad and Gary regretted the tone he’d used.

“I’m sorry Kenzie,” he replied softly, “But… But if you had been here, we would have had more money from you working and I could have spent more time with my son… And you could have had a say in the way he was raised.”  Kenzie lowered her eyes and nodded slowly.

“I understand.”  She put a knife and fork down and put her hands to her face, “I know what a big mistake I made.  And I know how it messed everybody’s life up… But that doesn’t change that I’m surprised by some of the choices you’ve made.”  She looked him in the eye, “I guess I’m still caught in the past and I remember you as a free spirit… Who rocked my world.”  Kenzie willed him to understand.  “I never would have believed that hippy rocker Gary would work 60 hours a week…”

“Well I’d like to not have to work that much.  But the reality is that Finn is a very expensive human being to look after.”  Gary put his knife and fork down and ran a hand over his face slowly.  He understood that things were going to be difficult, and he understood that it was going to take time to integrate Kenzie back into their home and lives, but he had not understood how frustrating the whole process would be.  It wasn’t just Kenzie’s constant questioning of the life he and Finn had built together, it was his complete inability to comprehend and accept her life.  She worked part-time in a little second-hand bookstore in London and lived in a share house with half a dozen people, eating vegan food and attending peace rallies.  It’s a life he wouldn’t have minded living if he hadn’t been a parent this whole time.  And that was the thing that bothered him, Kenzie had spent the last eight years, not being a parent.  He knew that it was more complicated than that, he had already seen hints of her anxiety; he understood that she wasn’t well yet, but he resented the life she had led when coupled with the questions she asked.  He never thought he could ever feel resentment towards the woman he loved.  And there was no question in his heart and mind that he still loved her; he’d never stop loving her.  But more and more the words Finn had said to him were ringing in his ears; Finn did not expect them to be a happy family.  Somehow he had managed to do a fine job on Finn, regardless of the long hours and the compromise and the sacrifice.  Finn had grown to be quite a wise young man and Gary wondered if Finn might actually be right.

“I will say sorry for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes.”  She said honestly, but Gary heard the hint of anger in her voice and was surprised to hear it. 

“Kenzie…” He mumbled wearily.

“But you owe me an apology too.”  She ploughed on.

“I said sorry.”  Gary allowed his irritation to colour his voice for the first time, “what exactly do you want me to apologise for?”

“What took you so long?”  She asked simply.

“What on earth do you mean?”  He was bewildered.

“After what I wrote in that letter… That awful fucking letter… And the way I had felt… And my… I guess you’d call it my mental breakdown,” she wiped angrily at her tears, “I didn’t know if you’d want me to come back.”  She lowered her eyes, “it took me about a year, maybe year and a half, to get my head back together.  But after that…” She looked up into his eyes.  “Why would you ever want me back?”  Gary felt the bitterness of understanding sweep through his body; she’d been away for so long because she had been waiting for him.  “So many times… So many times I picked up the phone, so many times I put pen to paper, so many times I was on the bus to Stamford… And every time I was stopped by one thought: why would you want me in yours or Finn’s life anymore?”

“Oh Kenzie…” He shook his head; words failing him completely.

“Wasn’t it easy to find me once you decided to?”  Gary realised with a sickening, crunching, feeling in his stomach that she had laid breadcrumbs down for him, so that he could find her if he ever wanted to.  “I waited for you, all this time, to want me back.”

“Kenzie…” Gary’s voice was choked with emotion, “I waited all this time for you to come back of your own free choice.”  They stared at each other across the table silently, “I thought that when you were better, you’d come back, like you said in the letter.”

“I said so much stuff in that letter.”  Kenzie sniffed hard and wiped her eyes, “I don’t even remember saying I’d come back in it.”  Her remorse was heartbreaking.  “I barely remember anything I wrote other than I was worried I’d hurt Finn and that I’d always love you.”  She reached across the table to him, “both of those are still true.”  Gary took her hand slowly.  “I worry that my presence alone causes Finn pain… And you…” She finished softly, sadly.  “I don’t want to cause either of you any more pain.  You’ve both already been through enough because of me.”

“No Kenzie, it’s fine… We’re fine.”  Gary tried to comfort her, “I’m so sorry I didn’t come for you sooner.”  He regretted waiting patiently for so long now, “had I known that’s what was keeping us apart, I’d have come for immediately… Eight years ago… We wouldn’t have spent one night apart.”

“The first year away was good for me though Gary.”  Kenzie said honestly, “it really helped me get my head back on straight.”  She looked down at her shaking hands, “although I do still have anxiety.  I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry for that Kenzie.  There’s nothing you can do about that.”  Gary got up and moved around the kitchen table to sit beside her and put an arm around her shoulders, “I hope that this time I can be more supportive when you need me.”  She kissed him gently her hands on his face gently caressing his skin.

“I love you so much Gary.”  She whispered, “And I am so sorry that we’ve been apart needlessly for so long… I just… I just couldn’t see why you’d want me here.”

“I want you here Kenzie, because you are my wife, you are Finn’s mother, and we both love you very much.”  But even as Gary said the words, even as his wife’s hands gently slid down his chest to his pants, even as they kissed passionately, he could not stop his mind turning to Janice.  He could not stop the feeling in the pit of his stomach that this was just not going to work.  He told himself that he had just become stuck in his ways and that Kenzie challenged him, which was good, but that he was unaccustomed to being questioned so much and that he would get used to in time.  He tried to tell himself that what he felt for Janice was merely infatuation and that it would fade away with time.  Because the truth was that he did love his wife and he did want it to work.  So he needed to tell himself these things because he was beginning to worry that, as Finn had said to him, love alone was not enough to sustain a relationship, and that maybe the things he had once built this relationship upon with Kenzie were long gone.  And he so didn’t want this to be true; he had wanted his wife back for 8 years, he so wanted it to work.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘When I Come Around’ by Greenday _

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmJxtgmsqAE>

 

“Did you two get back before midnight last night?”  Phil looked Elsa up and down with a grimace.

“You look really sick Elsa.”  She gave him an unimpressed look and shook her head.

“Thanks Philip.”  She grumbled, “Now don’t change the topic.”  Phil furrowed his brow; Elsa had clearly come down with influenza and he wanted to tell her to go home and rest, but he knew there was no point; Elsa had worked through worse.

“Yes, we were back in the hotel before midnight.”  It wasn’t technically a lie, so Phil felt little guilt when he saw Elsa’s eyes narrow in suspicion.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice what you just did there.”  Elsa raised her eyebrows at him in disapproval, “you’re lucky I’m too sick to care right now.  But I trusted you two and I really hope you didn’t betray that trust… There better be no problems in my drama class.”

“There won’t be.”  Phil reassured her.  Elsa folded her arms and eyed him thoughtfully.

“How did it go last night?”  She asked in a careful tone.

“Finn told you about us, huh?”

“Even if he hadn’t, what was happening between you two was obvious to anyone looking.”  Phil looked away and saw Rae and Izzy talking near the entrance of the hotel.

“Well,” Phil said slowly, “I promised her nothing would change between us.”  Elsa noted the way he didn’t take his eyes off her.

“But everything has changed, hasn’t it?”  Her voice was deeply understanding and Phil turned to her and nodded sadly.  “You know Phil, I’m really over unnecessary love triangles… I say polyamory all the way.”  She said it with a grin, a grin that told him that she knew most people would not agree with her.  “If you three were polyamorous, this would have had a very different outcome.”  She nodded sadly and put a hand on his shoulder.  “Maybe one day the world will evolve, huh?”

“I’m not sure Finn and I could stand each other enough for that.”

“Sure you could.”  Elsa asserted, “both of you would do anything for her.”  Her enigmatic smile showed her usual depth of understanding.  “And love like that should not be thrown away or destroyed or wasted or gotten over… It should be embraced and lived and allowed to run its course.  That’s the true gift of polyamory; you never have to kill parts of yourself.”

“Lucky I have no intention of killing that part of myself.”  He saw the look on Elsa’s face, “it’d be the same as killing myself.  And I can’t do that.”

“And she knows all that now?”  Elsa’s eyes strayed to Rae.  Philip nodded slowly.

“Yeah.”  His voice barely made a sound and Elsa gave him a sympathetic look.  “And Finn’s known for a while.”  Elsa nodded knowingly.

“That he has.”  She looked back over at Rae and then back of Phil.  “For what it’s worth, I believe she loves you a great deal.”

“I know she does.  But she loves him more.”  Elsa took in his sorrow filled countenance.  “I’ve come to terms with that.”

“It’s very brave to love wholeheartedly, unselfishly, fearlessly and with everything you are… When you know it will never be returned.”  She pulled him into her arms and hugged him fiercely, “I wish it had turned out differently for you Phil.”

“Me too.”  But they both knew there was no coming between Finn and Rae.

 

 

Izzy yawned and stretched, before moving her bag on her shoulders.

“What happened to you and Phil last night?”  She tried to sound as innocent as she normally did, but she could not keep the hint of suspicion out of her voice.

“We stayed in another part of the hotel.”  Rae knew there was no point in lying; it would probably be all over the school by the time she got back. 

“Sam and I stayed in the other room alone.”  Izzy said slowly, “he said Bryn has a crush on me?”

“I would say he does.”  Rae answered honestly.

“I never saw it.”  Izzy marvelled, “and he made a move on me…”

“Holy shit Iz!”

“I know, right?”  Izzy shook her head, “he was well out of line because even after I said no, he kept trying!”

“Are you alright?”  Rae silently chastised herself for leaving Izzy in this situation.

“Yeah, I’m fine Rae.”  Izzy reassured her, “it’s just that he said some things that really got me thinking…”

“Like what?”  Rae asked sceptically.

“He just got me wondering if um… If you and me… Are we too young to be in such serious relationships Rae?”  Rae scrunched up her face and Izzy continued.  “So you know, I’m not gonna say a word to Finn about what happened with you and Phil.”  Izzy said with a determined smile, “because it’s not my business and maybe… Maybe we’re too young to be taking everything so seriously.”

“Um, thanks Izzy, but Finn organised for this to happen…” Rae watched Izzy’s face go from concerned to confused, “he wanted to give Phil and I a chance to talk, to sort everything out.”  Understanding came to Izzy’s face.

“Oh, right.”  She nodded slowly, “makes sense.”

“Anyway, tell me what Sam said?”  Rae said as her eyes travelled over to Phil again as he spoke with Elsa.

 

 

“I feel like shit… I’m going back to the room.”  Sam declared before traipsing away from Elsa and Rae.  It had been a strange farewell; Josh was not taking the bus back to Stamford because he was heading back to university and Candace had cried, Izzy had given her a huge hug, but barely spoken to Sam, and Phil… Phil had given her an aching look, nodded slightly, and gotten onto the bus without a word to her.  He had told her it would take him time to get his head screwed on right, but she wasn’t used to Phil not being there for her.  Elsa coughed and sniffled as they watched the van leave, in a few hours, it would be bringing Finn to her.

“It sounds like you should head to bed too Elsa.”  Rae said softly, still not sure how she felt about Elsa.  With all of the emotional rollercoaster of her time with Philip now passed, the situation with Finn was drawn sharply into focus and she found herself eyeing Elsa enviously.

“But what will you do all day?”  Elsa asked genuinely as she sat down on the chairs in the hotel foyer.

“I could probably do with a nap.”  Rae shrugged and sat down beside Elsa.

“Are you okay Rae, you seem sad?”  Rae was silent for a long time, not sure what to say.  She looked up at Elsa, and Elsa saw the envy, the sorrow and the wariness.  Elsa nodded slowly, understanding that Finn had told Rae what had happened, even though he had said he would do it after the drama camp.  “It’s okay Rae, ask me whatever you need to ask me.”  Her voice was soft and comforting and Rae felt her jealousy grow.

“Did you fuck Finn?”  She hadn’t meant to say that sentence, but it was the only question she desperately needed an answer to.  She knew she should trust Finn’s story, but all she could keep thinking was that Finn hadn’t been a student back then, and who wouldn’t fuck Elsa, given the chance?  There was a moment of silence as Elsa took in all the emotion that Rae was feeling.

“No.”  For some reason Rae completely believed her and she felt a weight lift off her chest.

“But… But in the right circumstances, you would…” It wasn’t a question; Rae knew this was the truth.

“Yes.”  Rae looked away.  Silence grew between them as Rae struggled with what to say to such an honest, unreserved answer.

“Of course you would, it’s Finn.”  Rae’s mouth felt numb.

“You actually can read too much into that Rae,” Elsa countered, “I feel that way about most people.”  Elsa shrugged, “except for John Howard and all of his ilk… They can all die in a hole.”  Rae couldn’t help but laugh at Elsa’s unexpected words.

“Who the fuck is John Howard?”

“The current Prime Minister of my fair homeland Australia.”  Elsa sounded thoroughly unimpressed, “He’s an utter turd burger.”

“Oh right?”  Rae laughed.

“But let’s not change the subject, I’m sure this has been very difficult for you and that you have a lot of questions, so ask them.”

“These right circumstances…” Rae lowered her eyes, “what are the chances Finn will reach them?”

“He will never reach them if he’s with you, or still not over you, if you’ve broken up.”  Elsa replied honestly, “I won’t be a fill-in for another woman, even one so excellent as you.”  A small smile crept over Rae’s mouth.  “Unless of course you choose to not be in a monogamous relationship, then that’s a whole different thing…” She said with a teasing grin and Rae shared the moment with her happily, knowing that Finn and her were going to be monogamous for the foreseeable future.  Elsa was no threat to her, even though she was one of the most stunningly beautiful and sexy women on the entire planet.

“Why did you stop Finn?”  Rae bit the inside of her mouth, “was it just because he was a student?”

“No Rae, it was because he was coming to me to replace you, to forget you, to deal with his pain about you… That’s not what I’m about.”

“So he was with you…” Rae could hardly believe what she was about to say, “and he was only thinking about me?”

“Yes.  And I won’t have that.”  Elsa said with a grim smile, “if you’re fucking me, your mind better be on me.”  Rae had a glorious moment in which she realised that there really was no competition between her and Elsa; Finn would always be thinking about her, Finn would always choose Rae.  All this time Rae had been jealous of Elsa, thinking her to be the superior woman, and he would much prefer her.  And over all the top of this, an even better thought occurred to her; it’s not a competition.  Her worth isn’t decided by what Finn, or anyone else, does or doesn’t want.  She was worthwhile and worth something in and of herself, regardless of what other people felt or thought about her.  She looked up at Elsa and realised that this is what it was that Elsa had, that she had always been so jealous of; self-esteem.

“Well, of course, if you’re going to be doing something that intimate, you want your partner present with you.”  Rae said with a happy grin.  But there was still something bothering her; “why did he wait so long to tell me then, if nothing happened, why, why wait so long?”

“I told him not to because it just puts the burden of his mistakes on you.”  Elsa explained, “but we discussed it again later, and I agreed with him that it was best to tell you, because-”

“Because he has feelings for you.”  Rae interjected and Elsa nodded slowly.

“There are all kinds of love in this world Rae.  Every relationship on Earth has something to do with love.”  Elsa said with a small smile, “Either none, or some, or a lot, or too much even… All different kinds of love…”  Rae loved how beautiful she looked when she spoke of love, “relationships are a little like fingerprints I suppose; they’re all different, but they’re all about love.”  Her smile faded slightly as she considered Rae and Finn, “And Finn has a kind of love for me… and a different kind of love for you…”

“But the love he has for me is real.”  Rae thought she understand but she saw Elsa furrow her brow and shake her head. 

“I don’t like to put the word real in front of the word love.  Love is love.”  Elsa believed this completely, but sometimes she still found herself describing Rafael as her first real love.  She would never deny that he had been special to her, but she had loved many people and truly didn’t believe that the love was any more or less real with all those other people than it had been with Raf.  The idea of the one true or real love was, to Elsa, a sickening prospect.  Even if Raf did hold a special place in her heart.

“But…” Rae was confused, “you can’t consider the kind of love a 15 year old feels in a month long relationship to be anything like the love that lasts through to a 50 year long marriage.

“I can and I do.”  Elsa said adamantly, “People confuse what love actually is Rae.”  Elsa shook her head, “Sure you have some love that lingers for longer than other love, and this is the love people are talking about when they say ‘real.’”  Elsa gave a slightly disgusted look as if the concept was deeply unsavoury, “But it’s not love that makes some relationships last longer than others.”  Elsa shook her head, “That’s dedication, communication, trust and flexibility, compromise… a whole slew of character attributes that the individuals in the relationship bring to it that create something when put together… that’s what builds relationships.  Not love.”  Elsa took a moment to look at Rae’s confused face, “Some long term relationships work wonderfully without love, and some can’t do without it… But to be utterly clear, love that is sudden, bright and passionate and burns out in a few months is just as real as the love that is slow burning and lasts a lifetime.  They’re both the same thing.  Just a different expression of the same thing, and one of them simply has the determination of some people to make the relationship last, to back it up.  That’s it.  That’s the only difference.” 

“So his love for you is just as real as his love for me…?” Rae sounded heartbroken but Elsa took her hand.

“Of course it is.  But that means nothing Rae.” 

“How can you say that if you think it’s just the same?”

“You love Phil.”  Elsa retorted and Rae shook her head.

“No I don’t.”  She didn’t want anyone else to know; to protect Finn.

“Rae…” Elsa gave her a look that indicated she was not fooled.

“Alright… I do love him.”  Rae conceded sadly.

“Would you say that that love is any less real than your love for Finn?”  And Rae began to properly understand.

“No it’s not.”  She whispered. 

“The difference is between them is your choices.”  Elsa said with a growing smile, “your dedication and commitment to each other.  Your trust in each other… the communication you’ve been working on…”  Elsa gave her usual enigmatic smile, “love is a fickle mistress who alights wherever she chooses and with no logic or care for what it does to the people involved… and it is over romanticised and held up as the answer to all and the only ‘real’ thing there is.”  Elsa took Rae’s hand, “But you know the truth now.  Just like Finn.  Love isn’t worth a thing if you’re not willing to be in the relationship with that person.  Love is essentially meaningless if you do not trust the person you are with.  Love cannot create or save a relationship, if you’re not determined to work on the relationship.  A relationship that lasts a lifetime, is a relationship both partners choose to stay in every single day.”  Elsa’s hand went to Rae’s face gently, “And love has only a little to do with that choice.”

“I understand.”  Rae whispered; she had seen Chloe stay in a relationship because she hated herself.  Rae had stayed in a relationship with Liam because it was what she thought she deserved; to be punished.  She stayed with Finn, not just because she loved him, but for so many other reasons.  Some would say those reasons were rooted in love but they weren’t, not really.  She had enjoyed spending time with him before she really knew she loved him.  She admired his taste in music even when she thought she hated him, not that she’d ever admit that out loud. 

“A lot of things that aren’t love; like good communication, and trust or felling safe with a person… they are called love…”

“But that’s not what they are.”  Rae’s mind went over everything she had with Finn.  She loved everything she had with him; but not everything she had with him was love. 

“So, your Finn loves me.  And you love Phillip… but that doesn’t mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things does it?”  Elsa grinned and Rae returned the grin, glad to have her idol back.  Talking to Elsa made her feel better, about Finn’s feelings, and about her own.  It was ok to feel whatever she felt, her relationship with Finn was more than just a feeling. 

“Out of morbid curiosity…” Rae said softly, “What actually happened that night?” 

“Oh not a lot.”  Elsa shrugged, “He kissed me and I told him no.  That really was the end of it.”  She saw the look in Rae’s eyes and elaborated, “He was angry and hurt and he didn’t know how to deal with those emotions back then.”  She took a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her nose and Rae felt guilty about not making her go up to bed and sleep, besides, Rae herself was exhausted.  “He does now.”

“Aye I suppose he does.”  Rae considered this carefully.  It was true; now when they argued Finn ran after her, not after girls to numb his pain.  He had learned to deal with his jealousy too.  Finn had grown.  She was so close to it that she hadn’t realised just how much he had grown. 

“Don’t think about a Finn that no longer exists Rae.”  Elsa told her, “If you want to survive monogamy you gotta let each other grow and change,” Elsa stroked Rae’s hair off her face like an older sister might, “and most importantly, you gotta let go of the old versions of yourself and Finn.  He’s not that person anymore.  You’re not the same as that girl back then either.”  Rae knew she was right, “So let it go.” 

“You’re so beautiful but.  I can understand why Finn wants you.”

“Listen Rae,” Elsa said firmly, “no one in the world is attracted to just one person.  No one.  Not you.  Not Finn.  Certainly not me.  Not even Phil… anyone who says otherwise is lying, probably to themselves the most.”  Elsa said with a slight grin, “monogamy is choosing to not follow those other attractions.  Trust me, Finn has made that choice willingly and with his eyes widen open, knowing exactly who you are and what to expect by being with you.”  Elsa held her eyes, “Just like you have made that same decision with him.”  Elsa paused momentarily to let it all sink in, “So fuck yes I’m beautiful,” Elsa grinned, “But that’s nothing to Finn.  He has made his choice and we both know he’s happy with that choice.”  Rae’s brows furrowed slightly. 

“I feel like you helped Finn a lot with getting through all of this.”

“Not really, he did all the hard work.”  Elsa shrugged.

“Thank you for helping him.”  Rae said softly but Elsa shook her head.

“I didn’t really do it for him Rae.”  Elsa stared at her face for a moment, “When I first met you, you painfully reminded me of myself at your age… I hated myself so much, and I made a lot of mistakes.”  Elsa lamented, “Including one called Rafael.”  Elsa nodded slowly.

“What happened with him?”

“A lot of things… I realise now that the expectation that monogamy was the only valid relationship format was a bit of a killer… but that’s outside the scope of this discussion.”  Elsa said with a cheeky grin, “One of the big things that happened was me,”  She cast a knowing eye over Rae, “I happened.”  Elsa’s voice was low, sad, “I have a feeling you understand that all too well.”  Rae nodded slowly, “So, I wanted to be the kind of adult for you that I so desperately needed when I was your age.”  Elsa finished gently.

“You did all that talking to him, for me.”  Rae whispered.

“He reminds me a lot of my Raf.”  Elsa grinned fondly, “And I wanted to make Finn strong enough to weather you at your worst, so he deserved you at your best, as the old saying goes.  So he wouldn’t leave for the wrong reasons.”  Elsa explained, “If he or you leave for the right reasons, fine… but you two have broken up for the wrong reasons in the past…” Elsa knew their history from talking with Finn, “I wanted to give you and Finn the chance to not make the mistakes Raf and I made.” 

“Thank you.”  Rae felt more tears and knew today was going to continue to be an emotional day. 

“No problem Rae.”  They shared a smile and Rae felt as close to her as a sister. 

“I love you.”  Rae said softly and Elsa drew her into her arms.

“I love you too Rae.”  Rae knew that this unusual teacher from Australia loved her in a strange and genuine way that no one else ever would.  And it was wonderful. 

“Where’s Raf now?”  Curiosity got the better of Rae as she sat back up from the hug.

“I dunno.”  Elsa shrugged, “And please don’t take that story the wrong way; I am very happy as I am now.  I’ve stopped hating myself, and I have a very full and happy life.  But Raf… well you never forget your first love I suppose.”  She smiled reminiscently and Rae nodded, thinking about Finn.  The thought of Finn, back in Stamford, waiting for her pulled at Rae’s innards and she sobbed suddenly.  She missed him so much; it was a painful ache in her chest, like her body was missing its heart.  Phil had done a good job of putting a Band-Aid on the wound, but the truth was, nothing could completely cover the longing she felt for Finn.  “Don’t cry Rae, everything is ok.  You’ll see.”  Elsa soothed.

“I just feel so miserable about everything.”  Rae wiped away her tears.

“Well every time you feel miserable Rae spend some time with nothingness.”

“Nothingness?”  Rae asked and sniffled miserably.

“Feel what you feel and then rest.  Rest and feel nothing for a while.  It’s good to take a rest from the constancy of our own emotions.” 

“How do you feel nothing?”

“Trust me, if you let yourself have a break, you’re mind and body know what to do… you just gotta let it rest.  Be kind to yourself.”

“I’m not very good at being kind to myself.”  Rae said sadly. 

“I noticed.”  Elsa reached out and stroked her hair again, “and what’s your favourite food?”

“Um…” Rae didn’t know how to answer and then she thought about how much she missed pork with crackling because it was haram in their mostly Muslim house.  “Pork.” 

“Alright.”  Elsa grinned.  “So cook yourself one pork chop and spend some time to slowly eat it, savouring every mouthful; really enjoy it.  When you’re miserable… spend some time with nothingness and pork.”

“I have a problem with binge eating you know.”  Rae had never really divulged this to anyone before.  Sure Kester, and her mother, and Finn was vaguely aware of it. 

“Alright.”  Elsa said, “But it’s not like you can give up eating is it?”  Elsa said, “And food is inherently comforting because it stops us from dying.”  Elsa said, “I reckon if you take the time to savour the pork you’ll be fine. But I think…” Elsa hated to admit it, “You’ll probably have to run this one past Kester.” 

“I will.”  Rae nodded, “Cos nothingness and pork sounds pretty fucking good!”  She grinned.  “I actually might grab some pork from the restaurant here and then have a nap.”  Rae considered this for a moment and Elsa nodded.

“Well I’m for bed; I feel like shit.”  Elsa stood up shakily and Rae worried for her, “take care Rae.”  She gave a reassuring smile, “I’ll be up in time to meet the van.”  She added before heading towards the elevator.

“Sleep you!”  Rae commanded with a grin and Elsa chuckled as she left.  Rae watched her go, her mind thinking over everything that had happened since she had first met Finn, then she started focussing on the past week.  Her mind scrambling to keep up with her emotions.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I’m almost With You’ by The Chuch _

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbPDjibdv14>

 

Finn was grumpy.  He missed Rae like he would miss his own heart beating in his chest if it were to be ripped from him.  He’d woken up to his mum and dad shagging.  Again.  And now they were arguing.  Again.  Same old fight; living arrangements.  There were two main arguments: 1. where was Kenzie going to stay?  Should she quit her life in London and move back to Stamford?  Should she live with them or in a place of her own?  And if with them, in the spare room or not?  And 2. Was it really ok for Rae to be spending so many nights in Finn’s bed?  Shouldn’t they try to reign it in?  Put her up in the spare bedroom?  There were always lots of reminders about his age in this argument.  And Rae’s.  His mum had become oddly protective of Rae and her tender age of 17. 

Finn tried not to listen, this argument was about where Kenzie was going to live, and ate his Weet Bix doggedly.  The Weet Bix had come in a care package from Australia not long after he had sent a letter to his Uncle Angus, his mother’s brother, introducing himself.  The care pack had had letters from Uncle Angus and all the family there, as well as food from and photos of Australia.  Finn had instantly treasured everything in the box.  Turned out he had a few cousins down under, the oldest, Terri, was from his Aunty Tina’s first marriage and she was 16.  Terri was the one that had done the care package and Aunty Tina had taken all the photos.  Uncle Angus had given Finn a very clear snapshot of what he was going to look like in his late 30’s, early 40s, because the resemblance between Finn and his uncle was marked.  As for the food in the care package, the thing he’d liked the most had been the Tim Tams.  But Weet Bix made a good breakfast, or lunch in this case, if you smothered them in sugar and milk. 

Not only was Finn grumpy, but he was anxious.  Anxious and keen to see Rae.  He was 99% certain of the outcome of the dinner, and had accepted the inevitable sexual encounter they would have had, but now he needed to hear from her that she chosen him.  This was vital to him.  Even though he and Phil had agreed Phil would tell him first… he needed to hear it from her.

And there was only a few hours until he got to see her again. 

It had taken everything in Finn’s entire being, to not simply jump on his bike and go to her in Lincoln.  But he knew she needed time alone with her feelings and he knew that by giving her this time with Phil, things could finally settle down between the three of them.  Which is what Rae really needed.  And if she needed it, he wanted it.

He went up to his room as silently as he could, not wanting to disturb his parents now that their arguing had become discussion.  He grabbed his backpack and shoved his stage blacks in.  His father been surprised by his request by black track pants and a black long sleeved shirt, but this is what he wore on stage when there was no set costume; it’s what they all wore.  He sniffed at three pairs of jeans and chose the pair that smelt the least and shoved them in the bag as well.  He continued packing while he tried to think of all the things he was going to say to Rae.  His brain was still scrambling to understand his new found lack of jealousy over Phil, and he really needed her to understand that it wasn’t because he loved her any less, but because he had realised that he loved her more.  He worried that she would feel that his lack of jealousy meant that he did not care as much as he used to, but that was not true.  He cared about her just as much as he always had.  He had just learned to value her wants and needs above his own.  He and Rae had already touched on this topic, so he knew that she understood, on some level, but he knew that her self-esteem could make things very tricky.  Especially in light of what he knew had happened with Phil these past few days.

He looked in the mirror.

_Is there something wrong with me that I don’t care that some other man may have fucked my girl?_

_Her value to me isn’t affected by whether some other person has known her.  She is worth so much more than that.  What we have is so much more than just sex, what she offers me so much more than just a body._

_Why does the world tell me that something like this should matter?  Something like that would only matter if you thought of the woman you love as nothing more than a vagina._

_Why would I care if someone else has had sex with her?  It doesn’t lessen her, it doesn’t lessen me, it doesn’t lessen what we have.  Sex is given far too much power… People actually think that sex can make or break a relationship… A relationship is worth so much more than sex.  If sex can make or break your relationship, it’s probably not a relationship worth having._

Finn almost felt like Rhys was there, giving him a talk about how this world only taught you one way of thinking and it was a very narrowing and prescriptive way of being.  But in reality humans were much more complicated and diverse than the stories he had been told all his life, than the images they all constantly were bombarded with.

Finn thought about Chop and how he said he would never be okay with Izzy being with another man, but how easily he had forgiven Izzy for that kiss.  And what Izzy had done was outright cheating.  Rae would not be cheating if she fucked Phil; Finn had told her she could do whatever she wanted, and that he would ask no questions.  But Chop still didn’t understand why Finn could so easily forgive this, even though he had forgiven something that was essentially worse.  Finn wouldn’t accept cheating in their relationship; that was a whole different thing.  What he would accept, was open communication and Rae having what she needed, as long as he knew what that was and who it was with.  Honesty, communication, and prior knowledge was the difference between what Izzy had done and Rae had probably done.  He knew which way he’d prefer it, but he supposed for Chop it was easier to simply forgive what had already happened, than to think about what might come.

“Everyone’s different.”  Finn muttered to himself before taking the information sheet about the drama camp off his desk and reading it.  He packed all the things on the list and went to the bathroom to pack some toiletries.  Now that he was completely packed Finn looked at his watch, it was time to start walking to school, so he’d be in time for the van to Lincoln.

_But what if she didn’t choose you Finn?_

Finn stopped at the front door, his gut churning.  He and Phil had agreed to respect anything she chose.

_You know she did.  Don’t be a fucking daft twat._

“Bye mum!  Bye dad!”  Finn called at the door and left without waiting for a reply.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I can dream that I’m someone else’ by Skunk Anansie _

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJRIY9U4zhQ&feature=kp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJRIY9U4zhQ&feature=kp) 

 

Phil struggled to keep it together on the journey home.  Everybody wanted to chat excitedly and congratulate him and he just felt like dying.

Of course he’d never do that to Rae; he knew she’d blame herself.  And besides, he still had too much ambition in terms of acting.  But he certainly needed some time away to get his emotions under control.

More than ever, he wished he was Finn.  In between the mindless, inane chatter.  He let his mind wander over what had happened since Sunday, and how things would be different if only he was Finn.  He knew he was deeply jealous of what Finn had with Rae, but he also knew that Rae and he had something special too.  He knew he had a relationship with Rae that no one else had, it just wasn’t the relationship he wished it was.  But quite honestly, he really would take Rae anyway he could get her.  And the friendship they shared was beyond precious to him.  So he would take a few days, perhaps a few weeks, and get his head back on right.  And then he’d returned to her side as a friend, knowing there would never be anything else, no matter how much he longed for it.  He and Finn had said that they would both respect whatever she chose; and he would.  She chose him as her friend, and he would give her whatever she needed; it wasn’t in him to not do whatever she needed.

Phil had spent the years since his parents’ unexpected wealth wishing to be loved.  And one small comfort that he could take from this time was that she did love him.  She did love him enough to be with him, if not for Finn.

It was a comfort, if only a small one.

 

 

As expected, Finn and his fucking perfect face was waiting at the school when the minivan pulled up.  Phil waited for Candace, Sam, and Izzy to get out of the van while he tried to gather the strength to face Finn.  He looked out the window to see Izzy and Finn chatting, and the twins Kristi and Kurt heading across the school oval, but Amy was nowhere to be seen.  That meant he had time to talk to Finn, and he knew they needed to talk.

Phil grabbed his stuff and slowly trudged out of the minivan.  He squared his shoulders as his foot hit the ground and turned his eyes towards Finn.  Finn’s tongue went to his back teeth as he took in Phil, and they glared at each other silently for a moment before Phil motioned for them to step away from everyone else.

“I guess your reputation isn’t completely unfounded.”  Phil said with a wry grin.  Finn took a deep breath and shook his head; he’d known Rae would tell Phil about this, but he still didn’t like the idea that he knew. 

“I knew Rae’d tell you about Elsa.”  Finn mumbled unhappily.

“Holy shit!”  Phil’s eyes opened wide and Finn suddenly realised that Rae had not told Phil who he had kissed, only that he had done it.  “You fucking went after Elsa?”

“Fuck Phil, keep your fucking voice down!”

“Jesus fucking christ…” Phil marvelled.

“Aye alright!”  Finn retorted grumpily.  Phil shook his head slowly.

“Yeah, you deserve your reputation.”  Phil told him, “you might not have shagged as many people as the rumours say, but if you’re going after Elsa, you have got one set of steel fucking balls.”

“I said alright Phil!”  Finn was exasperated; this was not the topic he wanted to be talking about; he needed to know who Rae had chosen, and they had agreed that Phil would tell him before he spoke to Rae.

“I can understand why Rae was so pissed off at you.”  Phil watched Finn’s face drop and did not feel one ounce of sympathy for him.

“How pissed is she?”  Phil could tell that Finn was worried, very worried.  He knew we could have fun with Finn right now, he could torment Finn, make him feel terrible.  He knew also, that he could make them argue from here, Finn felt fragile, and fragile people are easy to suggest things to.

But Phil took a deep breath and remembered that he was Rae’s friend and that he loved her more than his own life.

“Not nearly as pissed off as she should be.”  Phil watched the relief spread over Finn’s face and tried to feel content with the fact that he had done right by Rae.

“Aye that’s Rae for you.”  Finn said almost sadly, “she always forgives me when I sometimes don’t deserve it.  She’s a better person than me.”  Phil felt his eyes wanting to roll and he shook his head, not able to believe what he was about to say.

“You’re not all bad Finn, anyone that would do anything for Rae is alright by me.”  Finn nodded slowly and looked Phil in the eye.

“Aye, you’re alright by me too Phil.”  They both looked away for a moment, Finn not wanting to ask what she chose and Phil not wanting to tell him.

“So I suppose I should tell you what happened?”  Phil said with a soft voice.  But Finn shook his head.

“I don’t wanna know what happened.”

“Really?”  Phil was surprised.

“It was part of the deal, wasn’t it?”  Finn shrugged’

“So you don’t want to know how far-”

“No.”  Finn interrupted, “I don’t.”

“But what if we made love?”  Phil tried to keep his tone hypothetical.

“Then I definitely don’t need to know.”  Finn told him firmly, “I’ve come a long way with this jealousy thing Philip, but I’m not that far along yet.  I’d beat the living shit outta you.”

“How evolved of you.”  Phil replied sourly.

“Eh.”  Finn shrugged, “it’s a work in progress.”  Phil couldn’t help but grin at Finn’s attitude, “I just want to know who she chose.  What happened doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“You knew I’d end up having to talk you up didn’t you?”  Phil began to realise just how much Finn had predicted.

“Yeah.”  Finn said unapologetically, “I knew you’d have to comfort her about me and that you were too good of a man to manipulate her into hating me, even though you could.”

“You kinda manipulated me into mending her trust issues with you for you.”  Phil shook his head.

“Not really.”

“You basically told me I was too good a man to take advantage of her.”  Phil said and Finn nodded.

“And you are.”  Finn said honestly, “because you love her.  You don’t love me.  You could have talked me down if you wanted to.  But it’s not your style to do that.”  Phil hated that Finn knew him so well.  “I know this Phil, because we are so alike.”  It had been hard for Finn to admit this finally.  But he and Phil’s relationship had changed now; everything was going to be different, even if nothing changed in an obvious sense.

“Yeah.”  Phil nodded slowly, “we are very alike.”

“Aye, I suppose you’re me if I had a brain in me head and endless money.”  Finn joked, but Phil shook his head.

“The only real difference between us, is who has Rae, because she brings out the best in both of us.”  Finn couldn’t read Phil’s tone of voice, and he still wasn’t sure who Rae had chosen.

“Aye I suppose so.”  Finn agreed, he hesitated, but knew he had to ask.  “So who did she choose?”  There was a moment of silence and Phil took a deep breath slowly and sadly nodding his head.

“You know who she chose.”  Finn was surprised at the total lack of bitterness in his voice.  “We all always knew how this would turn out… If we’re honest.”  He sounded philosophical, but Finn could see the deep pain he was in; all hope was gone now and Finn knew what it was to fall into that deep pit of despair.  Unexpectedly, to both of them, Finn took Phil into his arms to try and comfort him.  Phil’s whole body was momentarily tense, but the need to be comforted overcame his surprise, and he allowed Finn to soothe him gently for a moment, while he let himself feel just the very tip of the iceberg of heartbreak he felt.  Finn felt Phil’s breath catching his throat and knew Phil was fighting back tears.  Finn didn’t know whether to hold onto him while he cried, or let him go so he could push down the tears.  But Phil made that decision for him as he pulled out of the hug and quickly wiped his eyes.

“If I had to come second to anyone Finn,” Phil said thickly, “I’m glad it’s you; I couldn’t stand to see her with anyone else.  They wouldn’t deserve her.”

“Thanks Phil.”  Finn hadn’t expected to feel quite so much empathy with Phil as he did.  But he knew that if Rae and he had never gotten back together, he would be Phil.  He understood that pain, he understood that loss.  He understood completely.  “So what are you gonna do now?”

“Well she wants us to be friends.”  Phil lowered his eyes, “so that’s what we’ll be.”

“No, I mean… Will you try going out with other girls?”  But Finn already knew the answer.

“Oh, I’ve tried that.”  Phil shook his head, “it never works.”  He said with a grim smile.

“No.”  Finn agreed.  “Because they’re not Rae.”  Finn understood.

“I never intended to fall so deeply in love with her.”  Phil explained, “but it just crept up on me… One day I thought she was a great girl who I could laugh with… The next day I was so deeply and irrevocably in love with her, that I can’t imagine my life without her in it.”

“That’s how it happened to me.”  Finn nodded sympathetically, “And you won’t have to have your life without her in it.”  Finn reassured him, “I’m totally fine with you guys being friends… Or whatever.”  He shrugged, “I understand that once you love Rae you never stop, so I know how you need her, and I have no desire to hurt you or her anymore, by trying to keep you apart.”

“I’m not sure I would have been quite so accepting in your place.”  Phil acknowledged Finn’s magnanimity.

“Aye, you would have been!  You’re the same as me; you’ll give her anything she needs!”  Finn reminded him and they shared a knowing smile

“I hope you realise how lucky you are Finn.”  Phil stared at Finn’s face for a moment and shook his head, “I know you do realise how lucky you are…”

“You know Phil, I have to thank you for where I am mentally right now.”  Finn said honestly, “you’ve helped me learn that there will always be other people in Rae’s life, and she’s gonna love some of them.  And there is literally nothing I can do about that.”  Finn nodded his head, “all I can do is try to be the kind of man that she chooses to be with every day, the kind of man that deserves her love and respect.  You helped me realise that, cos that’s what you’ve always done for her.”  Phil lowered his eyes sadly.

“Doesn’t matter how hard you work for love and respect,” Phil said.  “Love must be given freely, and there’s nothing you can do about that.”  Phil looked up at Finn, “and she loves me… But she chooses you… Because she loves you more.”  Finn had to take a moment to really absorb that information, he couldn’t even begin to understand how Phil must feel.

“You have my sympathies Phil.”  But Phil shook his head, his eyes lowered.

“You know Finn I’m really grateful for what you’re trying to do here, but I really don’t think I can stand your pity.”

“I don’t pity you, you fucking wanker.”  Finn quipped and Phil’s eyes shot up to Finn.  Finn gave him an understanding smile and Phil knew that as painful and difficult as this had been for all of them, Finn was actually gonna be there for him, in exactly the way Phil needed.

“Oh, a wanker am I?”  Phil scoffed.

“Well, you’re going home alone, aren’t you?”  Finn teased, hiding his worry that it was too soon because he knew Phil needed this stability.  Phil rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Well, at least I don’t look like a fucking dwarf who’s been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.”  Phil felt an odd sense of equilibrium as he thought of insults for Finn, “I mean really, what the fuck did your next step in?”  Finn chuckled and shook his head.

“I’m seriously, like, what, an inch, maybe two, shorter than you?”

“You’re still shorter Finn.”  Phil said with a grin, “and you’ll always be shorter.”  Finn pretended to roll his eyes grumpily as Amy arrived.

“Yeah, well I could take you in a fight.”  Finn gave Phil an easy one to retort.

“I’m not surprised, you fucking Neanderthal.  If that’s what you’ve got to be proud of, you must lead a very undistinguished life.”  He gave Finn a grateful smile, and nodded.  “Thanks Finn.”

“It’s alright.  I quite like our banter.  I’d rather it didn’t end too.”  Finn suddenly realised what Rhys had said to him back at the Summer Ball; he really did like this battle with Phil.  And he realised the reason he liked it so much, was because he was always guaranteed to win, even though the opponent was truly worthy.  “Hey by the way congratulations on your win.”  Finn said genuinely happy for Rae and Phil.

“It wasn’t really a fair competition for everyone else.”  Phil said with some of the cockiness Finn was used to seeing.  Finn nodded.

“I believe that.”  He said earnestly; he’d seen that duologue enough times to know how good it was.  And Izzy had told him that the last minute changes they had made, had made it even better.  “From the minute you two were involved, it was a battle for second place.”  But Finn could see that that sentence hit home for Phil; with Finn involved, it would always be a battle for second place with Rae.

“Yes, I suppose it is.”  Phil’s brows furrowed for a moment, “anyway, you better earn her a second trophy mate.  I don’t need to tell you that men like us don’t like to let the women we love down.”  Finn nodded as Phil started to turn away, “I’ll see you after you get back.”

“See you then Phil.”  Finn watched Phil go, saw his shoulders slump and knew that for all his bravado, Phil was an emotional wreck right now.  But there was little he could do about that, and he had his own issues to think about.  Finn got onto the minivan, his nerves greatly settled.  Now he was just eager to see her.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I’ve Got Dreams to Remember.’ By Otis Redding _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56dfym_tqus>

 

Archie held up the g-string Tom wanted to pack for the trip and shook his head.  He had thought packing for himself had been hard, but going over Tom’s stuff had been a nightmare.  But he had the feeling Tom was teasing him with some of the things he’d included in his backpack.  It had taken weeks to convince him that a backpack was more practical than the designer suitcase he wanted to take.  He took the g-string out to the lounge room to ask Tom if they were really necessary and stopped in his tracks.

Tom turned the page of one of his photo albums.  Archie watched as Tom’s fingers gently stroked the page, his face filled with painful emotion.  Archie hadn’t seen him like this before; sitting on the floor, his back against the lounge, his body slumped, sadness surrounding him.  Tom was always indestructibly upbeat, strong, proud and beautiful.  But he looked defeated and exhausted. 

Archie shoved the g-string in his pocket and went to Tom, sitting beside him silently, wrapping an arm around his back and leaning in to look at the photographs.  Tom sniffed and gave Archie a small grateful smile. 

“Is that your sister?”  Archie looked at the picture of a lovely girl with an incredible and inviting smile, eyes as blue as the sky.  Tom nodded slowly.  “You miss her?”

“Yeah.”  He barely made a sound, “You know, she’s a good kid.”  Tom cleared his throat, “I guess she’s not really a kid anymore.” 

“How old is she?”

“Sixteen.”  Tom turned the page, “She was a blessing after years of trying and miscarriages.”  Tom slowly shook his head, “I remember mum crying all the time, and dad… bullying her into trying again.”  Archie made a small noise of sympathy, having no idea what to say, “He wanted another son, but when he got that little girl… she became his princess and he was happy.”  Archie looked down at the pictures; family photos in which Tom already looked unhappy.  “And Lilly is such a sweet, good human being.”  Tom sighed, “She once told me that she couldn’t hate me for being who I was, even if our parents did.  I told her I was sorry for being gay.  Cos I know what kind of pressure she was under from those two fuckers.  And she told me not to be sorry.  She told me to never be sorry for who I am.” 

“We should try and contact her.”

“She’s in France on a cultural exchange for school.”  Tom said.

“Well when she gets back…”

“I don’t’ wanna put that on her.”  Tom said sadly, “Don’t want her to be in between them and me… don’t want her to feel like she has to choose.”

“It doesn’t have to be about making a choice,” Archie tried to reason, “we can keep it secret?”

“It just seems like a lot to put on her.”  He sighed, “I’m not sure if I’m worth all that effort.”

“Of course you are!”  Archie was astounded to hear this from Tom.  But upon reflection, he realised that no one could be so hated by his parents and not have some self-esteem issues.  “And I really think we should let Lilly decide what’s best for her.  Don’t you?”  Archie would have to talk to Finn about how to best deal with the self-esteem issue, because he really didn’t know.  He’d never been good at dealing with Rae and Chloe’s moments, he just tried to be there for them.  But Finn knew exactly what he was doing with Rae.  And he supposed he could ask Rhys too; Rhys was not only a genius at these things, but he knew Tom well.  But Finn was his best mate and he’d prefer to ask him.  Archie leaned over and kissed Tom’s cheek.

“Do you wanna try to contact your parents again?”  Archie asked supportively.  “At least tell them we’re going overseas?”

“Oh god no.”  Tom moaned, “It’s not worth the hassle.”  He shook his head sadly and turned the page.

“I don’t think your mum really wanted it to go down the way it did.”  Archie tried, but Tom shook his head.

“It’d been a long time coming Arch.”  He said sadly.  “Maybe after a few years she’ll miss me enough to try.  But I doubt it.”  He swallowed back his tears, “I’ll always be an abomination to her.”

“Well regardless of them two knobheads,” Archie was glad to see a small smile kiss Tom’s lips, “I really do think you should reach out to Lilly somehow.”  Archie saw a thoughtful look on Tom’s face; that was progress.  He looked down at the photographs.  It was a photograph of Lilly with a dance trophy.  “She does ballet?”

“Of course she does, if nothing else, my parents do like to force their kids to do gendered activities.  I was the boxing champion and she was the prima ballerina.”  He ran his fingers along the photo, “she wanted to learn mixed martial arts.  And I kinda wanted to be a theatre fag.”  He shrugged, “I guess it turned out for the best because I really like being a personal trainer, and I love that I can box.  Always give those homophobes a nasty surprise.”  He gave Archie a cynical grin and Archie stroked his hair softly, his fingers tangling in his gentle curls.  Tom sighed and smiled grimly, “you know on this journey, I’m gonna have to let my natural hair colour grow in.”  Archie looked at Tom’s honey, golden hair and furrowed his brow.

“What is your natural colour?”

“A very uninspiring brown.”  Tom grinned.

“I bet it brings out the blue in your eyes.”  Archie soothed his vain boy.

“Hadn’t thought of that.”  Tom confessed, “I just know that this colour makes me look less washed out.”  He grimaced and then stroked Archie’s hair.  “Will you still love me when I’m less beautiful?”

“Less beautiful?”  Archie asked incredulously.

“I’ll never be ugly Archie, even when I’m 90 years old.”  Tom said with a cocky smile.  “But I might become less beautiful…”

“Oh, I know you’ll never be ugly Tom!”  Archie agreed solemnly, “I just didn’t think it was possible for you to be less beautiful either… Even when you’re 90 years old.”  Tom gave Archie a grateful smile, and Archie began to understand that Tom’s ridiculously high self-esteem and vanity masked and extremely insecure core.  Tom had learned to deal with his parents’ lack of love for him by loving himself and particularly his appearance wholeheartedly.  But it had left him afraid of what would happen when he lost his looks.  Archie was glad for his parents more than ever as he watched Tom’s face drop the moment he looked back at the photograph album.

“When we get back, if you don’t mind,” Tom looked at Archie apologetically, “I think I would like to contact Lilly.”

“Of course.”  Archie instantly agreed, feeling happy that there was movement forward in the situation with Tom’s family.

“I can’t even imagine what my parents will do if they find out…” Tom fretted.

“We’ll worry about that when we get to it.”  Archie said firmly, “Right now will worry about contacting Lilly secretly, and letting her have a chance to stay in contact with a brother she so obviously loves.”  Archie looked down at the second photograph of Lilly with her dance trophy; Tom stood beside her, towering over her with his impressive height, and she looked up at him adoringly.  Archie moved Tom’s hand over to the second photo, redirecting Tom’s gaze to that one.  He saw a small smile creep onto Tom’s face again.  Tom nodded slowly, and Archie knew that his mind was made up; they were definitely going to contact Lilly.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Let’s Stay Together’ By Al Green _

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COiIC3A0ROM>

 

Finn was looking over at Amy and Kristi bickering about music and shaking his head when the van pulled up outside the hotel.  He hadn’t even noticed the van stopping, but when he heard a gentle tapping on the window, he knew it was her before he’d even turned to see.  As soon as his eyes were on her, she spread her hand over the glass, just as he had when she was leaving.  He instantly put his hand against the glass and watched her lips form the words _‘I love you.’_   Her face was filled with sorrow, but she was clearly glad to see him, and he mouthed the words back to her as the twins jumped off the van, Amy and Kristi still arguing, Kurt shaking his head wearily.

He grabbed his backpack and got off the minivan.  There was a flurry of activity around them, but Rae and Finn were still and silent, taking each other in.  They simultaneously stepped towards each other and both instantly broke out into a grin. 

“Alright girl.”  He said fondly and took her into his arms.  Rae gratefully slid her arms around his waist and closed her eyes, feeling the ache in Finn’s body as he held her close, his hand going up to her head to hold her to him tighter.  “I missed you.”  He kissed her temple and took deep calming breaths, letting the smell of her fill him up. 

“I missed you too.”  Her voice was higher than usual and Finn knew she had a lot she wanted to talk to him about.  “I love you so much Finn.”

“I love you too Mrs Nelson.”  Their lips met and Rae felt that same breathless sensuality that she had felt the first time he kissed her.  There was a kind of aching need in Finn’s kiss that Rae had never felt before from him.  He had really missed her. 

“I’m sorry we argued.”  Rae whispered to him remorsefully.  

“So am I girl.”  Finn held her to him and allowed an unexpected rush of relief to wash through him.

“Alright kiddies,” Elsa croaked, looking more unwell than before, “let’s get you to your rooms, we’ll be having dinner in a few hours.”  They followed Elsa up into the hotel, Rae and Finn holding hands and silently following the others.  After Elsa had left them and gone back to her room to rest, Finn listened to Sam coughing and Kurt muttering his lines to himself as he put some things on the bedside table.  It was only a few minutes before there was a gentle tap on the door.  Finn grinned and opened it to see Rae at the door, Kristi and Amy standing behind her.

“I’ve got somewhere to take you Finn Nelson.”  Rae said softly.  Sam looked up from the bed, his eyes going from Rae to Finn, a narrow-eyed look of accusation on his face.  But Rae ignored him, took Finn’s hand and turned to Kristi.  “Make sure no one disturbs Elsa, okay?  And we’ll see you at dinner.”  Finn, seeing the grin on Rae’s face, followed without a word.

When they got to the room Rae was relieved to see that the sheets had been changed.  It would have felt weird to sleep on the same sheets with Finn that she had slept on with Phil.  Finn took in the room slowly and tried not to let his mind wander too far.

“So you stayed here with Phil last night, then?”  He asked, “You know what, I don’t want to know.”  He instantly corrected himself, “I told you no questions asked.”  Rae looked at Finn for a long time and then looked around the room.

“Phil paid for us to have this room for tonight.  He figured you had as much right to privacy when talking to me about this thing, as he had had.”  Rae answered calmly.  Finn pocketed his hands and looked out the huge balcony window, nodding his head slowly.  Part of him wanted to ask her exactly what had happened, but he knew he didn’t really want to know, and besides he had told her no questions asked.  But knowing they had shared this room, for some period of time raised questions with Finn.  Was it overnight, did they sleep in the bed together, or did they do something else in that bed together?  Finn took a moment to examine his feelings and gather his thoughts.  And Rae silently waited for him to speak.  She had known that bringing him to this room would raise questions, but she was willing to tell him everything, if he wanted to know.  She was in love with him and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him; if he wanted to know everything, she would tell him and deal with the consequences.  She would be as honest with him as he demanded.  So ultimately she had had no qualms in bringing him to the room; she would hide nothing from him for the rest of her life.

“So Phil told me…” Finn turned his eyes towards the bed and then down at his feet and Rae wondered what Phil had said to him.  “He told me that you chose me.  Which I suppose is obvious…” He scuffed his feet, slightly, not sure how to start the conversation he knew they had to have.

“You knew I was gonna choose you.”  Finn nodded his head and gave her a small, slightly cheeky grin.

“I had a small inkling, aye.”

“Small inkling.”  She scoffed and his small grin grew.  He sat down on the lounge in the room and Rae stayed standing before him, ready to be put under his microscope.

“You wanna talk about Elsa?”  His question threw her off.

“Um…”

“Do you wanna know why I waited nine months?”

“To not put the burden of your guilt on me.”  Rae knew why.

“Aye, but it was more than that.”  Finn wiped his palms n his jeans.  He had been thinking about this for a while now.  “It wasn’t nothing that happened Rae.”  Finn said softly and Rae turned away, not really wanting to hear this.  “A very… negative part of myself came out that night.”  He continued and Rae felt relieved.  She really didn’t want to know exactly what had happened with Elsa.  “I went to her house and slammed her against a wall, with no sexual invitation from her.  Even after she pushed me away I persisted.”  Rae turned back to him a look of shock on her face and he winced; he wished he’d never seen that look on her face.  Like she was discovering something about him she didn’t like.  “I mean I did stop, obviously… but it took more than one attempt from Elsa.”  Rae could see the shame on his face.  “I’m still not sure why she didn’t report me to the police.”  Finn muttered.

“Because you didn’t intend-”

“No, but it don’t matter what me intent were do it?”  Finn said fiercely, “What matters is what happened to her.”  Rae thought about this for a moment and nodded.

“But for Elsa, I think the intent does matter.”  Rae said with an apologetic shrug.  “I think she knew that you would come to realise that what you did was wrong-”

“On so many fucking levels, Rae.”  Finn said sadly.  “It were bad for her, it were bad for you... and aye, it were bad for me.  But what matters most is-”

“Elsa.”  Rae said softly.  “What Elsa felt matters most here.”  Rae understood and Finn nodded, “Well thankfully Elsa really has brushed it off and she’s fine.”  Finn shook his head.

“I don’t like that there’s a part o’ me that could do that.”  He whispered.

“But you did stop.”  Rae reminded him and Finn grimaced.

“Aye but I shouldn’t o’ started.  She never gave me any kind of sign that she were sexually open to me.”  Finn rubbed his hands over his face. 

“But if you weren’t her student Finn, she would be.”  Finn thought about all the conversations Elsa and he had ever had and the fact that her body had responded to his.  That she had had to stop him, even though part of her wanted to continue.  Maybe there had been signs; it didn’t matter, he shouldn’t have behaved the way he had.

“It don’t matter.”  He replied firmly.  “I were so in the wrong.”  He told her, “I went there, only hours after we had broken up and I slammed her into a wall.”  Finn confessed everything.  Rae felt her stomach lurch and she turned away again, wanting to experience her feelings without hurting him with the look on her face. 

“Hours.”  She whispered sadly.  She’d been apart from Finn for months before she finally, after trying every other source for comfort, went to Liam’s bed.  It had been triggered by Finn leaving, that was true, so she understood being triggered by emotions into self-medicating like this.  But so soon…? 

“I’m so sorry Rae.”  She tried to get her own emotions in check and examine the situation properly.  It was still self-medication, either way… even if the timing Finn had used was appalling.  She could understand self-medication and self-harm… She nodded slowly, wrapping her head around it.  She could even understand acting poorly, out of character when you were in pain.  She had done some pretty out of character things when she had first broken it off with Finn.  Rae’s out of character things had been the Backstreet Boys, and letting Liam kiss her even though he was with Amy, and so many other things; she really did understand that being in pain could make you act out of character. 

“I don’t think you do have a part of yourself that is like that Finn.”  Rae said simply, “I think you were in pain and you handled it poorly.  A lot of people do that.”  She took a deep breath, and thought about Elsa’s advice, “You’re not that same person anymore.”  They both knew it was true, “If we’re gonna make this thing work Finn, we gotta let go of the past… of the old versions of ourselves.”  She saw Finn’s brows furrow in thought, “Elsa forgives you for being a twat… you should forgive yourself and move on.  And never do it again.”

“You don’t need to worry about that.”  He reassured her.

“I don’t worry about it.  And I know I’m never gonna have to worry about it.”  Rae said firmly, “The Finn that goes after a woman to deal with his pain, and needs a little too much convincing to stop doesn’t exist anymore does he?” 

“No.”  Finn answered truthfully. 

“And that’s why Elsa didn’t call the cops and forgave you.  Cos from the moment you first pushed it like that, it were gonna be the last time you were gonna do it.”  Rae understood Elsa’s thought process. 

“Aye.”  Finn agreed.  “Doesn’t change what happened to Elsa.”  He said honestly, “We shouldn’t forget that I am very lucky she didn’t call the fuzz.”  Rae suddenly felt herself rolling her eyes.

“She didn’t call the fuzz cos she saw you as daft little boy having a temper tantrum.”  Rae snapped, feeling as though she was almost channelling Elsa.  “And that’s exactly what you were; the hole in her wall will attest to that!”  Finn looked up at Rae’s face with surprise.  “You’ve grown up since then.  Don’t throw what Elsa did for you back in her face by holding onto a Finn that no longer exists.”  Finn nodded slowly.

“You’re right.”

“Course I am.”  Rae snapped and Finn grinned at her.

“I like snappy Rae.”  He looked her up and down momentarily and lowered his eyes. 

“Well I’m glad you like being put in your place, cos I don’t intend to stop.”  Rae continued, “What you did to Elsa was utter shite, and yes you are lucky she didn’t report you.  But she made that choice for a reason.  Prove her choice right.” 

“And then there’s what it did to you…” Finn added, wanting to hear snappy Rae’s comments on that too.

“You’re a fucking arse for getting with another woman on the day we broke up.”  Rae snarked, “and especially with a woman you knew I looked up to.”  Finn lowered his head feeling that one burn more than when Rhys had pointed that out to him.  “But I do understand it.  I’ve done similar.”

“Just cos you’ve done similar and you understand it, it don’t mean it don’t hurt.”  Finn answered gently.

“Aye.”  Rae agreed.

“I honestly believe I went to Elsa cos I knew she’d stop me for making an even bigger mistake.”  Finn said, “I didn’t wanna self-destruct, I wanted to come back to you, I just didn’t know how…”

“Well Kester was a good idea.”  She replied and Finn nodded.  Rae reflected on the fact that both of them seemed to have developed feelings for thoroughly decent human beings that wouldn’t let them self-destruct.  She thought about how easily Phil could have had her that first night and knew how much she owed him for his restraint.  She knew that Finn would never be forceful like he had been with Elsa again; he had seen something he very much did not like in that moment.  She understood why he would never want to have her pretend to say no to him during sexual exploration and play.  He had come a little too close to that whole world for his own liking.  He never would have continued once she had said no, but he had persisted for too long, and all three of them knew it. 

On the other hand, Rae did feel that there was no guarantee that either one of them would never self-medicate again, either like this or in a different way. 

“When things hurt Finn, we gotta come to each other alright?”  She told him, “We gotta resist the urge to self-medicate or self-harm…”

“Or self-annihilate.”  Finn added with a nod.  “But I understand that you’ll still need time alone when things hurt you.  Just promise me you’ll try to not hurt yourself during that time, alright?” 

“Alright.”  She agreed, “We both gotta be kinder to ourselves.” 

“Aye.”  Finn agreed and looked down at his fingers as they fidgeted amongst themselves again.  “Rae I’m real sorry about Elsa.”  He understood exactly why and how she was hurt and he hated that this had happened.

“I forgave you before I’d even had chance to process what I felt.”  She said honestly and his eyes shot up to hers gratefully.  “Don’t ever think that me needing time alone is a reflection on you, or me not forgiving you, or a sign we’re in trouble.”  She tried to explain, “it’s just all me life, I’ve repressed me feelings or medicated them with… cutting… or eating… or…” She shook her head, “Now I have to try and process them and let myself feel them… it’s not easy.”

“I can imagine.”  Finn felt like he was being let in to an even deeper level of Rae here and he paid close attention to what she was telling him. 

“Sometimes me feelings do unexpected things or I just can’t get me head around ‘em or… there’s a million things… and I’m always worried I’m gonna say or do something to hurt you.  And you can be a bit fiery Finn, so I’m worried it’ll escalate when it don’t need to… I know when I can’t get a grips of me emotions that sometimes I can say and do things that are hurtful, but I never mean ‘em… and I don’t want you to be on the receiving end of it.”  She said apologetically, “So… time alone is best.”

“But then when you’re alone, who is on the receiving end of it?”

“I dunno.”  Rae shrugged.

“You?”

“I s’pose.”

“That’s not being very kind to yourself Rae.”  Finn worried about her.

“Aye but I gotta be kind to both of us.  And honestly Finn, alone is better than with people… the pressure I feel to deal with me emotions in the right way, makes me quite anxious.  I keep thinking I’m letting you and Kester down if I don’t get it right.”

“That’s bollocks, that is.”  Finn answered sadly. 

“That’s what’s in me head Finn.”  Rae said in a small voice.

“I mean, it’s not true that you’re letting us down.”  Finn told her, “I understand it’s mental illness that makes you think that way… When you do have those thoughts and feelings… give me a chance to counter it, yeah?”  Rae nodded slowly, “Just tell me later on, when we’re talking after your alone time, so I can tell you how proud I am of all the work you do on your recovery Rae.”  Rae knew she was going to cry if he said much more, and there was still so much to talk about before dinner.

“Thanks.”  But the tears came even though she tried to keep them back.  She turned before he had chance to see them and walked to the window to look out.  There was a long moment of silence and Rae gathered herself in that time, grateful that Finn was getting better at giving her these alone moments even when they were together. 

“So… So how was the dinner?”  Finn asked quietly, “I don’t wanna know the details.”  Finn told her firmly, “just a general sort of answer will do.”  Rae thought about this for a moment.

“Alright.”  Rae said slowly, “well… It was very romantic… Quite perfect actually.”

“Perfect?”  Finn bit the inside of his mouth in thought.

“Well, it was the chip butties that mostly made it perfect…” Rae said with a grin.

“Phil really does know you, huh?”

“Well, we both knew that.”  Rae answered honestly as she turned back to him, and Finn nodded his head slowly.

“And romantic…?”  He fidgeted with his fingertips for a moment.

“Aye, that’s what I said.”  Rae was going to be completely honest with him, no matter how hard it was.

“I’m not very romantic am I?”  Finn asked with a concerned face.

“Neither am I,” Rae responded with a shrug, “don’t worry about it.  We can save doing that kind of thing for the important times.”

“Every time is important with you.”  Finn lamented his lack of romanticism, he worried that he had not celebrated his relationship with Rae nearly enough.  How would she have any idea of how important she was to him if he didn’t show it, if he didn’t celebrate their love?

“Finn, you’re plenty romantic… and I don’t really wanna go out on dates all the time.  I much prefer hanging out together alone in your room, or mine… Where we can do whatever we want and just relax…”

“But sometimes,” Finn said softly, “I’d like to… I dunno… be romantic.”

“And sometimes you are.”  Rae reassured him, “You’ve got just the right amount of romance.”

“Oh aye?’  He grinned.

“Perfect amount.”  She sat down beside him and he took her hand.  She stroked his face.  “You knew I had feelings for Phil…”  Rae remembered how she had reacted when Finn had said this to her previously.  She’d been furious at him. 

“Aye.”

“I’m sorry I got so angry at you afore.”  She grimaced apologetically but Finn shrugged it off.

“’S’alright.” 

“No it’s not.”  She countered firmly, but continued before he had chance to argue, “And you let me go to this dinner thing... knowing that I have feelings for him.”

“I really just want you to be happy Rae.  More than anything.”  This was the second beautiful young man that had shared this sentiment with her in the last 24 hours and Rae felt humbled and blessed by both of them; particularly Finn.  “I so desperately wanna be with you but… your happiness is more important than what I want.  So I wanted to you explore those feelings and…” He shrugged, “Find your happiness.”

“I understand now.”  Rae marvelled at how Finn had changed in the year she had known him, “How did you do it…? How did you stay so calm when you knew I cared for him, and you knew he’d be telling me how he felt?”

“I actually knew you’d choose me, like you said” Finn answered with a sly grin, “even though you do have feelings for him, I do believe you Rae when you say you love me and that we’re forever.”  Finn saw her eyes growing red and understood how she felt.  It was the first time he didn’t feel at all lost when it came to her emotions.  “I just want us both to be actually honest about things like other people… and feelings for them.  With each other, but more importantly with ourselves.  Living your life lying to yourself isn’t really living…”  Finn truly believed this, “Even if the truth is painful or hard.  So… I gave you the chance to find your truth.  Knowing that you cared about him more than you realised, knowing he could make you happy, and knowing that there was a small chance you’d choose him…”  Finn stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, “And I could do it because I know.  I know we’re meant to be together.  I know it.”  The sureness in his voice was like blissful cold water on a boiling day to her.  She had thought he doubted her love when he had ‘accused’ her of caring for Phil.  But really he was showing just how sure of it he was by not being afraid to talk about it.  He knew they could weather any storm; because their love, their relationship and commitment to each other, was that strong. 

“Me too.”  She leaned forward and kissed his lips gently, still tentative and unsure about how they were going to move forward from here, after everything that had happened with Phil.  But Finn seemed so unaffected by it all.  “Do you need the same opportunity with Elsa?”  Rae asked, trying to hide her anxiety.  The thought of Finn with Elsa was still so much for her to handle.  She marvelled at how Finn had handled everything.  So selflessly.  “Because if you do, I won’t hesitate to let that happen.”  She added resolutely, overcoming her own fears for him.

“No.”  Finn answered nonchalantly, “I already know what’s going on with Elsa cos I’m fully aware of how I feel about her.”

“And...”  Rae hesitated, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know, but in the end curiosity won out, “how do you feel about her?”  She asked almost silently. 

“Exactly how you feel about Phil.”  Finn answered knowingly. 

“So you think that she could have made you happy if you had never met me?”  Rae asked and Finn nodded,

“Because you, Rae Earl, are the love of my life…”  Finn answered.

“And even though, aye, I’ve got strong feelings for her, they aren’t even a candle compared to-”

“You.”  Finn finished the sentence, his eyes locked on her, “it’ll always be you.” 

“That’s it.”  Rae whispered, “That exactly it.”

“And I’ve known all of this for a while.  But you…”

“I didn’t know how I really felt about Phil.”  She said sadly.

“I think most people go through their lives like that Rae; not knowing how they truly feel.  If it doesn’t fit the ideal romantic love, it can’t possibly be love… or at least not real love right?”  He shrugged, “but love is love, even if it’s small… no more or less than if it’s huge… and you love Phil.”  Rae thought about what Elsa had been trying to say to her and nodded; she understood.

“You know me better than I know myself sometimes Finn.”

“Oh aye, and you know me better than I know myself most of the time.”  He chuckled, “I also know that Phil is here to stay.”  Finn said with a grim smile, “and I’m alright with it.  I understand that he gives you something that I can’t.”

“Finn you’re my everything…” Rae felt stung by Finn’s assertion.

“No listen,” Finn took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes, “I’m fine, I get it.  He’s your Shakespeare right?”  Finn hoped she understood what he was saying, she looked so concerned for him, “I’ll never be that, it’s just no me; it’s no who I am.”

“Finn…” Rae hated to hear him putting himself down like this.

“And that’s ok!”  He smiled reassuringly, “We’re all allowed to be who we are Rae, and I’m never gonna be a Shakespeare guy… I like reading more now, but I’ll never be as well read as him... And I have no desire to be.”  He let his hands drop to hers, “so go to him for that stuff, it’s fine.  Just like you go to Chlo and Izzy and Arch for different things, even Chop.”  Rae felt like she was starting to understand what he was saying; he wasn’t putting himself down at all, he was simply accepting who he was.  “And you got Tom and Rhys too now….”  Rae understood that Finn wasn’t saying that who he was wasn’t good enough, just that who he was wasn’t interested in all the same things she was, “You need Phil.  He’s got a lot to offer you…”  Finn shrugged and that sly grin returned, “But he’s not me.”

“No he’s not.”  Rae agreed, a small grin touching her lips, her eyes unable to leave his. 

“I know.”  Finn said, “I know no one can offer you what I can.”  He stroked her face, “I get that now.  He can never give you what I can.  No one can.”  Rae nodded enthusiastically, glad that Finn understood how she felt about him, “I understand that even if you need other people.  I’m still your sun.  I’m still your water, your oxygen…it’s still me that’s number one to you.  Even if Philip’s a twat that reads you Shakespeare and he comes in a very close second place.”  He grinned, “And maybe he’s a twat that sometimes… sometimes gives you more than just a Shakespeare reading.”  Finn said cautiously, not really wanting to hear if Phil did give her more than that.  He wasn’t quite ready for that yet; this was still new territory for him, and he was still learning.  “You know, I kinda felt sorry for the poor guy when I sent him off to have dinner with you.”  Rae gave him an incredulous shake of the head and he shrugged, his sly grin returning cheekily, “I told him I’d fucked up and not a small fuck up; made sure he understood.  Cos I knew, even though I’d fucked up; you’d still choose me.  You and me are forever.  And now he knows it too.” 

“You’re my forever.”  Rae agreed.

“Aye.  You’re mine too.”  Finn took a moment to take her in, “And there’s no one on this fucking planet, no matter how much of a nearly perfect fucking git he is… that can get in between us.”  Finn laughed slightly and Rae couldn’t help but grin.

“You love him a little don’t you?”  She teased, expecting Finn to give her a disgusted look, but instead he looked thoughtful for a moment. 

“I kinda love to hate him.”  Finn grinned, “he’s bloody good competition!  Keeps me at my best, on me toes.  Rhys was right back at Summer Ball.”

“You what?”

“He told me I liked fighting with Phil.  He were right.”  Finn shrugged and gave a cocky grin, “I like beating him.”  Rae shook her head at his cocky demeanour.

“Oi, what if I had gone with Phil?”  She teased. 

“Then that would’ve meant he’d make you happy and what kind of an arsehole would I be to try and keep you with me if you were gonna be happier elsewhere?”  Rae was struck by this and couldn’t answer.  “Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing in this world I want more than to be happy with you.  But Rae, that takes both of us, we both have to be happy for it to work.  So if Phil was the one for you, then as much as it would kill me, I’d have let you go.  Cos you deserve the best; whatever you decide that is.”  Rae practically leapt on him, kissing him deeply, momentarily forgetting the seriousness of the conversation they were supposed to be having. 

“It’s you.  It’ll always be you.”  She murmured through kisses.  Finn pulled her closer, intoxicated by her lips, and the feel of her body against his.  He laid back on the sofa, pulling her on top of him easily.  They both enjoyed his strength as she made a surprised noise, but didn’t take her lips off his.  He loved the weight of her pressing his spine into the soft cushions of the couch, and Rae was almost completely past worrying that she was too heavy for him now and just laid on him, their stomachs pressed together, their feet tangling, her head going to his shoulder and his arms wrapping around her.  They lay in silence for a long time, gently stroking each other and settling back into being together. 

“There’s still heaps to talk about Rae.”  Finn eventually said, not wanting to break the moment, but knowing only too well how important communication was to the health of their relationship.  He still wanted to talk about where she wanted their relationship to go and wondered if she needed to talk about Elsa more and what happened in their session with Kester. 

“Aye.”  She answered softly and snuggled into his chest, scooting down slightly so she could hear his heartbeat.  He rested his chin on the top of her head and smiled contently.  He’d be happy to stay like this forever.  “You know, before I was with you,” Rae’s voice sounded far away and Finn knew she was lost in her own thoughts and feelings, “I thought about sex constantly. With every guy I saw…”

“I remember.  Finn chuckled, “You basically said so at your mum’s wedding.”

“Aye I know!”  Rae chucked with him, “How embarrassing!”  He stroked her hair and shook his head.

“Don’t be daft.  It were the bravest thing I’d ever seen.”  Rae looked up at him and he nodded firmly to reiterate what he had said.  She settled back in to listen to his heart beating.

“When we broke up, the first time, cos I couldn’t get naked with you… and all that stuff happened with Liam… my libido pretty much died.”

“Doesn’t feel like it Rae.”  Finn teased and she kicked his shin gently in reply. 

“Obviously not with you!  Dickhead!”  He grinned happily and Rae continued, “I meant before we got back together.  I just thought that maybe my body wasn’t for loving or touching or having sex.”  Rae felt raggedly sad when she thought about that time and Finn tightened his arms around her, “When we got back together, I still couldn’t believe you wanted me… me…”  Finn listened closely, knowing what she was going to say, but feeling the importance of this moment deeply.  “I realise I’ve been feeling like you were an anomaly, Finn.  An exception to the rule… I’d also been feeling like I could never want to be with another person because my body is not built for sex, or love… but mostly I’ve been feeling like no other person would want to be with me anyway.  For the same reason.”  Rae stopped herself from picking at the loose cuticles around her nails.  “I been thinking you’re a freak for liking me.  And that no one else ever could.”  She summarised. 

“Well Phillip disproves that,” Finn countered, understanding what Phillip had helped her discover and being happier than ever with his decision to accept Phil as a part of their life.  He just wasn’t sure in what way Phil was a part of their life yet.  He didn’t know what kind of continuing relationship Rae wanted with Phil.

“Yes he does.”  Rae agreed, and her voice took on an almost ashamed tone that Finn didn’t like, “And Finn… I’m so sorry… but I wanted him so much.”  Finn felt his body tensing at the tone of her voice; he hated how ashamed she felt.  That wasn’t the plan, the idea was that she would come out of this being happy, not ashamed.

“It’s ok Rae.”  He whispered soothingly.

“You don’t get it Finn…”  Her voice went up an octave and he knew she was almost crying, he tightened his arms around her comfortingly and listened, “I wanted him almost like I want you and he wanted me, just like you want me… And we…”

“No questions asked Rae.”  Finn said in a low calming voice.  Rae looked up at him, stunned. 

“No questions…?”  She hadn’t truly believed that he wouldn’t want to know. 

“Asked.”  He repeated.  “I told you that you could do anything you wanted with Phil, no questions asked.”  He said firmly, “I don’t need to know what you did.  Just tell me about… this anomaly thing…” Finn redirected her and Rae lowered her eyes, putting her head back on his chest, unsure how she felt about this.  She had been ready to tell him everything; to take his disappointment and anger, to beg for forgiveness if she needed to.  “Anomaly thing.”  Finn repeated, reminding her to speak again, and she nodded, gathering her thoughts. 

“Well… Phil… Phil wanting me exactly like you do… well…” Rae stuttered through the refocussing of her thoughts and the discussion.

“It showed you that I’m not an anomaly?”  Finn helped her and she nodded.

“Knowing that you are not an anomaly, really knowing you’re not the only person who could want and love me, and knowing that I could want to make love with other people.  It was… I can’t find the words...” Rae whispered.

“Healing.”  Finn murmured to her gently, understanding her completely. 

“Aye…” Rae considered this, “healing.”  There was a moment of silence as Rae mulled that word over and Finn smiled, knowing that regardless of the outcome of all of this or what Rae and Phil had done, it had been the right thing for her; it had helped her on her journey towards healing what this world had done to her.  He was happy.  He felt like thanking Phil.  “So now… knowing you’re not the only one, it somehow makes me feel less terrified; I feel less like you’re going to suddenly realise what you’re with, and more sure of us.  I feel like I’m more your equal in terms of desirability.”  Finn listened to what she was saying carefully, it was an absurd idea that she’d need Phillip to make her feel like she was good enough for him, but he understood it perfectly.  “Being loved by Phil… by a Phil… makes me believe that I am deserving of a Finn, makes me able to believe that I actually have a Finn… that I deserve and have you.” 

“You know how I feel about that.”  Finn stroked her face.

“Like I’m better than you.”  She replied, “But that’s so not true.” 

“Well I’m starting to feel more like your equal too Rae.”  He told her, “So you know, we’re both making good progress.”  She liked the way he reassured her, it made her feel like they were in this together, “And I’m actually really glad that Phil could help you in this way.”  Rae could hear the honesty in his voice.

“But what if Phil and I are closer now… cos we kinda know each other differently now?”

“Then that’s the way it is.”  Finn tried to show his support, but he needed to know in what way she wanted to stay close to him; so that he could mentally and emotionally prepare himself to give her whatever she needed.  Rae heard a tone in his voice she didn’t fully understand and started to fret. 

“Are you feeling jealous?” 

“I am a little.”  Finn admitted, “I’m not finished with this journey, you know?  I’m still not completely there.”  He conceded unhappily, “But, it’s not a bad jealousy, it’s not gonna rub me the wrong way or nothing.”  Finn reassured her, “I do wish that it was only me that loved you and wanted you like that, and that I could help you feel the way he has helped you feel... But… but I’m glad for you that you experienced something like this.”  She was surprised by how much he sounded like he meant that, “That you know now that you are so beautiful, that it’s not just me that adores you and your body.  It’s not just me that could ever touch you with love.”  Finn considered this for a moment and realised that, assuming Phil had gotten somewhere with Rae, that meant four men had touched Rae sexually, and two of them had done it harmfully.  This thing with Phillip suddenly became more crucially important to him in his mind in terms of evening that horrific balance, “Plus I think it’s important for both of us to know that you have options, and really good ones.”  He added honestly, “Phil’s a really god guy who would make you very happy…”  He felt Rae nodding and was surprised that her acknowledging this didn’t set off any jealousy in him; he really was vastly improved in that regard.  “If you know you got options, you know you don’t have to just stay with me cos you worry no one else could ever love you.”

“That’s not why-”

“I know.”  Finn interrupted, “and if I know you know you got options, I also am privileged to know that you stay with me cos you wanna, not cos you got nowhere else to be.”  He continued, “I mean I already knew that… but with your self-esteem… it makes it 100% clear for you, and I really like that.  I like that you know I’m not the only guy.”  Rae heard the passionate tone he was speaking with and smiled happily, “How could I ever be the only guy that would love you?”  He put a hand under her chin and she looked up at him, “You’ll always be loved by so many people Rae.  And always the very best people.  Because that’s who you are.  You’re the best.  And you need to know that, and seeing these other people loving you… well that’ll do it.” 

“But this thing with Phil… I mean I really wanted to…”

“To fuck him?”  Finn asked calmly and Rae nodded guiltily.  “Well if you haven’t already, and you really need to do that… then… ok… Just make sure you come back to me girl.  Cos you and me is forever.”

“You don’t mean that.”  Rae said softly.

“Test it and see.”  Finn said firmly and Rae was surprised to see his resolve.  He did mean it. 

“I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who…”

“Oh Rae, don’t say that kind of bollocks.”  Finn groaned, “What kind of girl is that?”  Finn asked, “The kind of girl who is honest and true to herself and acknowledges that she has desires.  And it’s not like you get to choose who you love.  The heart wants whatever the fuck it wants, and we get very little say in it.  If you’re very lucky you might get to choose to spend your life with someone your heart wants.  At least you’re the kind o’ girl who’s flippin’ honest about it all.”  He said firmly and Rae had to grin at his grumpy facial expression. 

“You’re too good to me.”  She was simultaneously feeling both less and more guilty about the situation with Phillip and utterly perplexed.  She was still worried that it would hurt Finn; that was her only concern.

“I understand why you’d wanna fuck Phllip.”  Finn shrugged.

“I’m glad you do, cos I don’t.”  Rae retorted, “I love you more than me own life.  How could I risk losing you for… for what exactly?”

“For something you needed.”  Finn said honestly, “And you will never lose me for that.  Never.”  Finn asserted dominantly, “Cos if some part of you needs this Rae, then you’re gonna bloody well have it.”  He told her, “I want you to have whatever you need.  That is what I want and need…”

“Do you wanna fuck someone else?”  Rae asked, sitting up, a dark suspicion entering her head: perhaps he didn’t mind her messing around with Phillip because he wanted to mess with other girls?

“Nope.”  Finn answered.

“Then why would you be ok with me doing it?”

“Let’s clear this whole thing up Rae.”  Finn sat up too, “I’m not necessarily ok with either of us fucking around.”  Her eyes didn’t leave his as he spoke, “What I am ok with though, is you having whatever you need… even if that includes fucking around, alright?”  He asked, but Rae could not reply, “It’s a different mindset.”  He continued, “Ideally, I’d like for us to only ever fuck each other.  To only share that intimacy with each other.  But that might not happen for multiple reasons.”  Finn wished they were still lying down together but he focussed his mind and ploughed on, “Even our sexual exploration might move us towards a threesome or something like that.  But more importantly, if you honestly need to be worshipped by another person to feel… complete, desirable… whatever need it fills… I’m not the kind of man that will deny you anything you need.  I want you to understand that.”

“Part of me definitely wants it.”  Rae admitted guiltily, “I don’t know if I need it though.”

“Well, when it comes to your wants, I’m inclined to just give you whatever you want as well.  You Rae, have gone without the things you have needed and wanted for too long… I won’t be a person that will willingly continue that.”

“What about what you want and need?”

“Yeah I been thinking about that.”  Finn nodded, “I will take care of myself too, don’t worry.  And I’m doing that by taking care of you Rae, cos I need you.”  She looked at his earnest face and furrowed her brows, “I need you more than I need air… So I’ll do whatever I can to keep you happy and wanting to choose to be with me.  So… whatever you need is my mantra.  We need to talk very openly about all of this kind of stuff mind, especially about our feelings to make sure we’re both ok at all times.” 

“Alright.”  Rae said slowly, still processing everything he had said. 

“So if you’re closer to Phillip now… alright.  And if you wanna be closer still… Well let’s talk about that, and what you need.”

“No.”  Rae said firmly, “I’ve made my decision in regards to Phil.”  She told him, “I wanna be closer to you; that’s what I’m focussed on.  I don’t want the same type of closeness with Phil.”

“Well if you ever change your mind, or have needs… talk to me about it.”  Finn urged her and she nodded her head. 

“I will try to be more aware of my own feelings in the future so that if… I develop feelings for someone else, I know about it, and don’t torture us all for months.”  She grinned knowingly at Finn and she saw how much he loved her in the way he returned the grin, “And we can talk about it.”

“Honesty about all of this stuff is all I ask Rae.”  Finn reiterated and she nodded.  “And I guess also that you know yourself and make informed choices about where you wanna go with this stuff.”  He added. 

“Just like you made a fully informed choice to be with me.”  Rae knew Elsa had helped him come to terms with how difficult it would be for him to be with her; because of the way people treated her. 

“I hope you’ve made a fully informed choice to be with me.”  Finn asked and was glad to see her nod.

“I have.”  She was smiling fondly, but sadly now, “So where do we go from here?”  She asked, the sadness overtaking her face now, “How do we rebuild our relationship?” 

“No need to rebuild, we’re fine.”  Finn was surprised by her question, “We figured out some new things is all.”  He shrugged. 

“But Finn...” Rae felt he didn’t fully understand, “This is a part of me; I’m needy.”  She said it with so much regret and disgust that Finn instantly took her hands to try to let her know that there was no need to feel that way.

“Everybody has needs, Rae.” 

“Yeah but not like me… There’s this part of me that will always want Phil.”  Her voice dropped so low that Finn had to lean forward to hear her, the shame in her tone bothering him, “and I’m afraid I’ll want the next guy that shows interest too.”

“Phil isn’t just some guy that showed interest.”  Finn countered, ready to point out that she could have fucked hot Mike if she was just going to go after every guy that showed interest, but Rae cut in. 

“I’m needy Finn!”  She said louder, “I have this low self-esteem that’s not going to just magically get better, no matter how much love you pour into me.”

“I know that Rae, that’s why-”

“And I know my self-hatred is getting better but… it’s not gone…” She continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “And I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely better.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be without this neediness…”

“And that’s okay Rae.”  Finn answered immutably, more sure than ever of the direction he was trying to steer them in, “If you need sex and love from others occasionally that that’s okay I don’t wanna take that from you, especially if it’s building your self-esteem.”  His voice was powerful, so sure, his face filled with compassion and love. 

“But Kester says I’m not supposed to get my self-esteem from others.”  Rae answered in a small voice.

“Alright, aye, that’s true…”  Finn agreed, “But it’s a process innit?  A journey…”  Finn reasoned, “You’re not there just yet.  You still need help with your self-esteem from external sources… but you’re working on it being all internal right?”  Rae nodded, “One day you might get there and not need any help from outside yourself at all… and maybe you never will get there.  Either way, I’m not gonna deny you something you need, because theoretically, one day, in the future you might not need it.  Besides sex isn’t always about needing love or fulfilment or self-esteem from others.  Maybe you just like sex.”  Finn shrugged.

“Well I do, but-”

“Look Rae, whatever you need I’m there, so there’s no point debating it.”  He stroked her face, “if you need to climb Mount Everest; I’m fucking there for you girl.  You said you need to see Ta Prohm before you die?  Alright girl, I will make it happen… don’t have the money right now, but I promise you that we will get there.  If you need to have multiple partners, well I’m less excited about that than Mount Everest or Ta Prohm, I won’t lie, but I’m still there for you.  Sometimes you’ll need a moment with someone else; everyone does.  There’s office flirting, flirting with your waiter, giving the eye to someone at the gym… Everyone needs to feel attractive.  Everyone needs to feel that thrill.  Maybe your needs are more physical and maybe your needs need to be attended by more than one person.”  Finn tried to make her understand, “Whatever you need is exactly what you will have from now on.  Even if that’s Phil.  I am here for you Rae.  Always.”

“Always.”  Rae repeated and felt those tears she had been holding start to flow.

“You know Rhys taught me a quote when I was 13 and had me first crush, it goes like this: ‘you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.’  It’s by um, Thich Nhat Hanh I think…?” He wished he was sure of his memory, “Anyway, I always really loved that idea, but that’s not good enough for me, I don’t want you to just feel free, I want you to be free.  Cos that’s part of what I fell in love with.  Who you are when you’re at your freest… so you are free to make whatever choices you want.  Whatever you need, whatever you want… if it’s in my power to give it to you – it’s yours.  No limits, no questions.  Yours.”  He paused, still needing to know if she wanted Phil as well. 

“So in regards to Phil… I don’t want you to deny yourself something you want for me.”

“I didn’t do it for you.”  Rae answered sadly, “I did it for me.  I hate that I didn’t do it for you.”  She lowered her eyes, “It was a completely selfish decision.” 

“Good.”  Finn was relieved, he was sure Phil was just her friend, and now he was sure that she had made the decision for the right reasons.  But he wanted to make sure she was ok now.  “How much do you love him?”  He asked delicately. 

“Not enough for you to worry about.”  Rae tried to make sure Finn didn’t feel threatened.

“I already knew that.”  He soothed, “I meant do you love him enough for it to hurt.”

“Yeah.”

“It hurt to say no to him.”  Finn mumbled and Rae nodded her head.  “A lot?”  She looked away and Finn took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have pushed.”

“No you were right to push,” She answered without looking back, “I didn’t realise I loved him till it was thrust in my face.  But he’s the candle… you’re my sun.”  She reassured him.

“I know.  I understand.”

“Yeah.  Elsa.”  Rae was still jealous of Elsa, but she had to admit that even she had a crush on Elsa. 

“You know Rhys and Chloe are in an open relationship.”  Finn offered gently. 

“So?”  Rae asked perplexed. 

“I dunno if you wanna try that…?”

“What?”  Rae was stunned and Finn suddenly realised that it must look like he wanted the open relationship so he could go after Elsa.

“Not for me.”  He reassured her, “For you… cos you love that twat and I… I don’t wanna make you unhappy by having to say no to him.”  He offered this to her freely, selflessly.  But Rae shook her head.

“No Finn.”  Her voice was thick with emotion, “alright?  No.”

“You know, you don’t have to choose; we can come to an arrangement.”  Finn prodded, wanting to make sure.

“No we can’t.”  Rae said firmly.

“Rae, I’m not jealous anymore, I understand.”

“I know you’re not, but I am.”  Rae retorted, “I think it’s amazing that you’re working through all your jealousy and stuff, but I’m not there yet and the thought of someone else touching you makes me…” But both Rae and Finn knew exactly where jealousy came from; it was all a self-esteem issue.  The main reason she wasn’t open to even discussing the concept or possibility of an open relationship was her self-esteem.  “I’d wonder how much better she was than me.”

“No one’s better than you Rae.”

“Then why would you need her?”  Rae asked unfairly.  She shook her head, seeing the flaw in her logic, understanding it in her head, but her gut couldn’t let go of it.  He’d spent the last hour explaining to her why she might need Phillip and why it was okay… but the thought of another woman with him… “I keep telling myself it’s not a competition like Elsa said, but I think every other woman on the entire planet is better than me…” Finn felt his insides hurting for her, for how she hated herself still, “So I’m not ready for you to go getting on with other girls.  It’s entirely low self-esteem driven I understand that.  But there is also the selfish reason of enjoying having you all to myself; I like to dominate your time like I do.”  Finn nodded.

“I enjoy that too.”  He grinned, “You know that’s what I want most, for it to be just us.  But my self-esteem isn’t hurt if you need others too.  Just for future reference, ok?”

“Well my self-esteem is too low for anything that is not monogamy Finn.”  Rae answered.

“But it is getting better.”  Finn reminded her and she nodded slowly.

“Aye it is… and if it ever gets up there, where I could handle something like that...  I guess we might have to revisit this topic.  But for now, and the foreseeable future… it’s just you and me.  Alright?”

“More than alright.”  Finn grinned, “But… I’ll make a mental note that we’ll discuss this again if you ever get to it.”

“Or when.”  Rae said, “Let’s be optimistic about my growing self-esteem.”  She joked. 

“Or when.”  Finn grinned, “And you know, it’s not a deal breaker, I mean if you don’t want monogamy; it’s not a deal breaker for me; I’m not in the business of denying us our needs… or denying us anything that might bring us joy or pleasure, you know?  As long as we are always the central relationship and we build a life together and we have this love just between us.”  Finn had obviously thought about this and Rae realised that Finn expected that her and Phil had slept together, and was prepared for her being so in love with him that she couldn’t say no to him.  Rae pushed Finn back down on the lounge and laid on him again, glad to feel his arms around her.

“The thing that makes me happiest in this whole world Finn, is us having our own exclusive, intimate club, with its own secret language.”  Finn grinned happily as she began to trace words on him.

_I love you so much_

Finn started to trace words on her back and Rae read them all, her body tingling with joy.  She felt so close to him, and they felt so right together; like they were built for each other.  They definitely were two jigsaw pieces with a perfect fit.  It wasn’t long before they were kissing again, both feeling like they had said all they could on this topic for now, neither sure if they should end up in bed just yet.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole  _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fahr069-fzE_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fahr069-fzE)

 

Phillip hadn’t had a chance to simply sit in a calm quiet place; as soon as he got home his mother had grilled him for details of the competition and he had informed her of his win in a monotone, barely able to muster up basic pleasantness.  Then it was violin practice and back home for dinner.  Phillip had been in an exhausted numb state of searing emotional pain that he had not been able to escape since leaving the hotel room.  He couldn’t see a future for himself in which he wouldn’t have some level of this emotion inside of him at all times. 

He had dreamed too wildly, aimed too high.  He knew that.  But how could he not wish for her?  He wouldn’t allow himself to relive the moments that his fingertips touched her skin.  Not yet.  He’d have only those memories to live on for a very long time.  And he didn’t want to remember her so clearly when he could not feel anything positive in his soul.  When he thought of her he wanted jolts of love and positivity to run through him; he was not capable of the positivity just yet.  The love though… it was there.  Always there.  More than once he had wished for it to just stop.

“I hope this drama thing was worth missing three days of College for.”  His father cast an unimpressed eye upon him.

“Phillip won the competition.”  His mother chimed in and Phillip looked down at his full plate of food, unable to even consider eating something.  He hadn’t eaten all day, and he knew he’d have to eat eventually; but he truly had no desire to eat.  His brain told him he was too numb to feel anything, even hunger. 

He tried to not let his mind wander over those moments of closeness and he closed his eyes, desperately trying to control himself in more than one way. 

“He’d be better served winning engineering awards, not pathetic drama things.”  His father was retorting to his mother.  Phil almost felt that maybe he’d have been better off to have never left the prescriptive line his father had mapped out for him.  Had he stuck to that line, he never would have really bothered to get to know Rae; she was not the kind of girl his father wanted him to marry. 

But then he never would have had the magic of her friendship.  Then he never would have fallen I love so deeply with anyone… or had those moments… of intimacy… he would not let himself think about them.

If he did.  He would not be able to stop himself.  The emotions that were hidden deep within him would force their way out and he had no idea how to deal with this much pain. 

He had even thought that he didn’t know how any human could experience pain like this and survive it.  And yet he knew humans did.  He knew most humans experienced more pain that he had.  He knew that there were many humans who would happily trade places for him; swap heartaches.  But today he struggled to have the empathy and sympathy he normally had for other people. 

Today he only felt her fingers on his cheek and a deep open wound in his chest; there was no other feelings in all of the word.  He could not handle other feelings.  Numbness and that hollowed out agony.  And an attempt to not feel the softness of her fingertips on his cheek.  That was all he could manage right now.  He really didn’t want the feel of her touching his face associated with this pain, and he tried to focus his exhausted mind away from Rae, but as soon as he did, it was back to his parents bickering about his unnatural obsession with drama.

Losing hope was really one of the cruellest things a human being can go through.  The human spirit can endure many things and come out the other side, damaged but intact.  People can be trodden on, abused, go through war and trauma and endless suffering, and if they have hope that things will get better, hope that someone will come, hope that they will be heard… then they can survive it.  Humans could survive anything if they had hope.

But take hope from a human, and they crumbled. 

Phil had had a great chunk of his hope taken from him.  All of his hope for love.  But he still had hope for being an actor, for getting out of this fucking house.  He just had no hope for even knowing the kind of love he so longed for. 

The loss of that hope was like a physical blow, an open wound in his chest.  He felt like he was sitting at the dining table with his parents bickering, with his chest cavity ripped open, his heart exposed and beating painfully in his shattered ribs. 

He had known it was coming, but it had not lessened the violence of the wound, the brutality of the loss. 

He had heard poets say that often you didn’t know how much you loved someone until you lost them.  This wasn’t true; he had known exactly how much he loved Rae all along.  He just hadn’t had any clue how much it would hurt to not be able to spend his life with her.  He had thought he’d known, thought he had prepared himself for it.  But his defences had been completely overwhelmed.  He was overwhelmed. 

Every time he looked down at himself he honestly expected to see his organs, his chest reefed open, mangled flesh and bone hanging from him. 

But he was somehow physically intact.  His heart kept beating, his lungs breathing inside his chest.  His brain never shut up, even though it felt abnormally silent.  Sometimes he felt swollen, like his body was twice its size, swollen with this emotion.  And at the same time he felt tiny, like a speck of dust, floating, lost in the air currents.  Nothingness awaiting him wherever he landed.

Phillip suddenly noticed that his parents were silent.  He looked up and saw them staring at him. 

“Pardon?”  He realised one of them had asked him something.

“Are you alright?”  His mother asked, clearly concerned.

“Fine.”  Phil answered his lips feeling anaesthetised.  His mother put her napkin on the table and got up.  His father rolled his eyes.

“All that melodrama at your camp has gotten into you has it?”  He asked in a derogatory tone.

“That sounds like me.”  Phil shrugged, not really caring if his father was on the verge of writing him off.  But his mother came to him and put her hand on his forehead like she used to when he was a small boy and he wasn’t feeling well.  Phil felt a stab of pain in his guts and was amazed he could feel any more pain right now.  He was made acutely aware of the mother he had lost when his father’s wealth had destroyed their family.  Her loving touch made tears start in his eyes and he knew he had to leave the room immediately.  He tried to stand but his mother pushed him back down in the chair gently and Phil was surprised at how little it took for her to make him sit; he felt physically weak.

“Phil you’re burning up.”  His mother sounded so concerned but Phil shook his head, his brain oddly feeling like it was sitting in a bowl of jelly and taking too much time to catch up with his skull as he moved. 

“I feel fine.”  He told her with a shrug.

“Phil,” His mother fretted uncontrollably “we need to take you to hospital.” 

“I’m fine.”  Phil said to as much to himself as her, “I don’t feel anything.”  This oddly painful, yet comforting numbness had spread throughout him and he clung to it like a life raft in a brutal storm at sea.  He stood up, his mother letting him this time, “May I be excused?”  He barely felt his mouth move; standing up had made the room swim.

“Phil!”  His mother’s tone was panicked, but Phil barely noticed.  His brain was so out of synchronicity with his head and he noticed how weak his body felt, and how the room seemed to be tilting extravagantly.  “Did you have the room re-decorated?”  He almost laughed.  The lack of food or water, the high fever, the pain in his body carefully overlaid with a numbness that actually did very little to mask the pain… Phil’s body gave up and demanded he stop.  And stop he did.  Quite suddenly.

He heard his mother crying out as he crashed down to the floor and then it was all gone.  Unconsciousness enveloped him. 

 


	9. Chapter 5 - Dream / Nightmare (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic.
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 2 
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo

‘Big Empty’ by Stone Temple Pilots  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOjKf8z_t68 

That night Rae and Finn were looking at changing their script in a similar fashion to the way her and Phil had, although comedy didn’t call for such intense realism in the acting, Rae still felt it would pay off and Finn agreed. It had taken no time at all for her to explain the shift in focus when acting characters in the way she had with Phil; Finn had understood it intuitively.   
“That makes so much more sense!” He laughed as Rae explained the technique. “All that fucking motives shite!” Finn shook his head and Elsa raised a single eyebrow, her usual sardonic air muted by her illness. Sam was snivelling in a corner and the twins listened closely to Rae, while Amy glared at Sam as if he had chosen to get sick. “I mean no one sits there and actually thinks about their fucking motives… so why do we act characters in that way?” Finn had not seen Elsa’s expression; he was studiously not looking at her.   
“Except for people in therapy.” Rae countered, “People in therapy think about motives all the time.”   
“Very true.” Finn agreed, “But how many people are in therapy?”  
“Not enough.” Rae admitted and she caught Amy rolling her eyes. But Rae found she could ignore it. All those times Chloe had told her to ignore what other people thought; advice Chloe herself had struggled to take, and finally Rae was mastering that useful skill.   
They had all gotten the running order and Rae and Finn were third last; another awful positon, but twins had gotten last before lunch, which was worse, even though Rae and Phil had won it from that position, and Amy and Sam were second first.  
Elsa had noted Finn’s lack of eye contact, the fact he kept his head turned away from her and understood what he was doing. She had seen the behaviour a while ago with Chloe after Chloe had kissed Finn.   
Sam excused himself as soon as dinner was finished and Amy followed him up to the rooms, probably to make him run lines, even though he looked like he needed to sleep. The twins followed; wanting to re-write their script too. But Rae had brought their script to the table and she and Finn were already set here, so they were intending to stay, knowing that Elsa would head to bed soon. But as soon as the twins were out of earshot, it was Rae who decided to address the tension.  
“You know she’s not Chloe, we’re not the same people as we were back then… you don’t have to ignore Elsa for months to make me feel better.” Elsa was impressed with Rae’s confidence. She had come so far; there weren’t many people who would be brave enough to say something like that, especially not in front of a person they admired like Rae admired Elsa.   
Finn’s jaw dropped and his eyes shot to Elsa for the first time, as if trying to make sure Rae knew Elsa was still there. Rae waited for either Finn or Elsa to speak, and Elsa remained silent, knowing it was Finn who had to reply. Finn looked between Elsa and then Rae, his eyes lingering on Rae before he lowered them in thought.  
“Yeah I know.” He mumbled, “It’s a very different situation with Elsa innit?”   
“Aye.” Rae replied honestly. Finn wiped his palms on his jeans uncomfortably. “But Elsa and I have already talked about his topic.” Rae said and Finn raised his eyes to Rae, but Rae couldn’t read his expression.   
“You talked about it?” His eyes went from Rae to Elsa and back again, clearly anxious about what had been said. And then he shook his head; why was he worrying about what a particularly sensible and wise woman like Elsa would say? And he knew the kind of things Rae would say; he had mostly gotten her figured out and he was immensely proud of himself for that. He knew he’d never have her 100% figured out, and that was ok; he’d done a much better job than he’d thought he ever could. He watched Elsa roll her eyes before wiping her nose with a tissue.   
“We did.” Rae answered.  
“I don’t know if I expected that or not.” Finn looked down at the table and Elsa sighed.  
“You two need to be focussing on the competition. So let me put this to sleep now.” Elsa said in a grumpy tone. “You both want this relationship to last forever, right?” they both nodded their heads, “Now I can’t say that I completely understand that urge, but I can say, that honestly, if you wanna get the whole lasting forever thing happening, you have both got to stop freaking out about things; either big or small. And this is a particularly small thing.” Elsa cleared her throat painfully and continued on, “We’re not talking about the typical male gaze bullshit, where the guy can’t keep his eyes off other women and clearly has no respect for the woman’s feelings about it… we’re talking about normal human attraction that you two are fretting about.” She held Finn and then Rae in her gaze, “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: no one on this planet is attracted to just one person, there’s always someone and usually there’s more than one someone. And if you want the next 70 years together you better get used to that idea.” She said brusquely and Rae and Finn exchanged a glance; they knew she was right; they said as much to each other already. “So I suggest you perve together.” Elsa finished brashly, and was greeted by two people giving her confused, incredulous looks.  
“You what?” Finn asked, Rae had been about to say the same thing.  
“It’s simple really.” Elsa looked round the restaurant and found a moderately attractive male serving a table. “What d’you two think about him?” She was obviously tired and wanting to get her point across quickly. “For me, his jaw is way too weak… but he still passes.”   
“This feels a little wrong… judging people and stuff…” Rae answered and Elsa nodded.  
“Oh please, we all judge people based on how they look, constantly. That’s what attraction is. The problem isn’t that we judge people, the problem is that 1. Our ability to judge fairly and accurately has been fucked up by advertising and porn and the fucking media in general. 2. That we often treat people differently based on whether we’d fuck them, and that is never ok. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic human respect and decency, no matter how attractive we think they are. And 3. We forget that this is merely our opinion, and that means that it is not necessarily true. Someone I find attractive will be ugly to someone else and that is awesome. I support diversity in attraction, because so often,” she turned her eyes to Rae, “It’s fat girls like us, or girls who aren’t white that are on the outside of what is considered attractive by mainstream media. We need to encourage people to not be afraid to be attracted to people outside of media imposed ‘norm.’” Elsa eyed the waiter as he moved around, “People judge everyone that they see, even if on a subconscious level, to ascertain whether they are a threat to our lives; our brain is constantly making snap decisions on how safe we are, and also on how fuckable a person is. It’s true that people don’t judge consciously as much as they do subconsciously, but if we’re being honest; we do still do it. So you two should learn to do it together.” She looked back over at the waiter, “So what do you think Rae?”  
“I s’pose he’s alright. You’re right about his jaw.” Rae grinned guiltily and looked at Finn. Elsa also turned her eyes to Finn.  
“And what do you think?” Finn hesitated and Elsa rolled her eyes again, “oh come on Finn, I asked your opinion, not to suck his dick.”   
“I don’t see what’s wrong with his jaw.” Finn looked like he was really unsure of what he’d said.  
“Fair enough.” Elsa nodded towards a woman sitting on the other side of the restaurant. “Now she is divine.” Elsa eyed the woman and a small grin crept over her lips.   
“I really like her hair.” Rae nodded, “and she has really nice lips.” Finn furrowed his brows, knowing it was his turn but worrying about what Rae would feel if he said what his first thought had been.   
“You think her breasts are bit small for you.” Elsa said astutely and Finn blushed. Elsa gave Rae a cheeky grin and Rae chuckled. Finn nodded and then shook his head.  
“This is fucking weird.” He muttered.  
“We’re always taught that we’re not supposed to be attracted to anyone other than the person we’re with. That’s an impossible standard to live up to and it’s guaranteed to make you both miserable because lying to yourself never works out well; eventually it’ll catch up with you.”  
“Yeah and there’s more than one way to lie to yourself.” Rae nodded slowly and looked at Finn. “Is there anything you like about her?” She asked and then looked back at the woman. Finn considered this for a moment and shrugged.  
“I can see she’s pretty enough, but if I were single, I wouldn’t hit on her.” Finn shrugged.   
“Is there someone here, not at this table, that if you were single, either one of you would consider having sex with?” Elsa asked and watched them both scan the room. Rae nodded towards a man who had just entered the restaurant and Finn found himself eyeing him curiously.   
“I see it.” He agreed and Rae grinned, watching him look around the room.   
“Yeah maybe her.” He nodded towards a woman sitting with a man, clearly having an intimate dinner. Rae took her in. She was thin and that always tugged at Rae, but then she looked at Elsa and remembered that Finn would try it on with her given the right circumstances and was reminded that Finn liked all sorts. “And her.” He nodded towards a woman who was quite a bit larger than Rae walking through the restaurant to the exit. Rae grinned; the larger woman was less confronting to her self-esteem. But in all honesty, Rae could see how both women were attractive.   
“They’re both beautiful.” Rae admitted and Finn shrugged, his eyes turning to her.  
“Nothing compared to you.” He told her honestly.  
“Now you two, I’m not saying you should be on the lookout for people you’d hit on if you were single, just that you should admit it, and talk to each other comfortably, when you do see attractive people.” They both nodded thoughtfully in response, “It’s all about taking the mystery or fear out of your partner possibly being attracted to other people. By being upfront and honest about it, you take out that layer of anguish from monogamy.”  
“How many monogamous relationships have you been in?” Rae asked curiously.  
“Ugh, too many.” Elsa said with disdain. “And even though I have no intention of ever being in one again, I do understand how they work for some people. It’s nice to be in your own club of two.” She smiled, “I’m personally in my own club of twelve, and I prefer that… but it’s not for everyone.”   
“But is still its own faithful club tough.” Finn said, “It’s the same thing but with a few extra people.”  
“That’s how some polyamorous relationships work, definitely, and that’s where I’m at, at the moment, but I’ll probably move back into being single with regular lovers. I don’t like having to answer to anyone, you know?” She shrugged, “I like being independent. Very independent.”   
“Fair enough.” Rae said with an admiring tone and Finn cocked an eyebrow at her.   
“Look, the bottom line is monogamy really works for some people but not for others, and it’s a lot more people than you think. Divorce is on the rise and people are a lot less willing to hang around in relationships they are not happy in. And I really think that a lot of the reason this is happening is because monogamy really isn’t for everyone, they just don’t know that.” She shrugged, as if to say ‘people don’t know themselves’ and then looked them both in the eye carefully, “you’re both young, you both have options, and life is very, very short. Way too short to be doing something that’s not right for you, just because it’s what everyone else does. If monogamy is right for you, you follow that, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But likewise, if it’s not right for you, then you two need to figure out what is the right life, the right relationship, for both of you. Don’t ever just follow the well-trodden paths just because everyone else does and it’s what’s expected of you. You must choose what is right for you above all else.” She watched a thoughtful expression come over both of their faces and knew that they really would choose their own path, regardless of societal or family pressures and expectations. “Anyway,” Her voice croaked and she sipped some water, wiped her nose and continued, “You two need to work on all of these secret parts of yourselves and relationships that people like to pretend don’t exist. Because you’re in love, but that’s no guarantee of the future you want. People sometime break apart for no reason… sometimes they stay together for no reason too.” Rae was reminded of what Phil had told her and again thought about the similarities between Elsa and Phil. “You don’t know what’s coming. You never will. But the more miles you put in now, the more chance you’ll have to be strong enough to weather all of the coming storms, no matter what they are.” 

 

Dear Diary  
These past few days have been quite difficult and emotional.  
I don’t know how I feel about Finn not wanting to know about Phil.   
I don’t know how I feel about how Finn and I are going; this whole night he’s been really good, but I keep expecting him to crack and be angry at me. But nothing. He’s watching tv, lounging in the big king sized bed, knowing that Phil and I have been in this room… He’s made it obvious that he’d like to make love tonight, and I’m sure we will; I want to. But it’s so strange after everything that happened with Phillip, to just be slipping back into being with Finn as if nothing happened.   
It’s exactly what Phil had said would happen; he left the room and now everything returns to normal.   
I keep thinking I should feel guilty for the time Phil and I shared. But I don’t. I don’t regret one moment of it. I love Phil, and I’m so glad I had that momentary fairy-tale with him…  
It were like a dream, for a while.   
I only worried that it would hurt Finn, and now, knowing that it hasn’t, I feel no remorse for it.  
And returning to Finn is like coming home. I belong with him; I don’t doubt or question the decision I made for a second; we are the jigsaw pieces that fit together perfectly. I just expected to have some consequences for what happened with Phil; even though Finn had told me there would be none.   
I worry that the consequences will enact themselves on Finn or Phil, when they should be on me.   
I’ll have to keep an eye for it and make sure that if any shit is gonna hit the fan for it, that shit lands on me and not on my lads.   
Although Phil’s not technically me lad… he kinda technically is as well cos he’s always gonna love me.  
Why do I deserve this?  
I mean I know that I’m not the worst person in the world… but am I so good as to deserve the love of two such excellent human beings?   
I understand now why it was that I was so anxious about the situation with Phil and Finn, a lot of it had to do with me feeling like I didn’t deserve so much attention. And a lot of it had to do with the thought that I would lose both of them and I didn’t want to lose either of them.  
As much as I love Phil, and as happy as we could have been as a couple, I need him as my friend. Because of what he gives me, especially in terms of me writing, which is so important to me.  
And as much as I love Phil, Finn is my man, and he always will be; he gives me life.  
But it’s not just the Phil thing that Finn and I are wading through right now, there’s also the Elsa thing. I think he was expecting more consequences from me too. I think he thought that I’d still be real angry with him or that I’d need time apart, like a temporary breakup, to overcome this. Just because he seems real happy with how I’m coping with Elsa.  
I can’t say that I’m happy with what happened; that he was so rough with Elsa, but I can say that I really don’t care that something did happen.   
Which I am amazed by.   
I thought this would eat me up forever; that I’d have to spend months and months working to keep it under control.  
It’s Elsa.  
And Finn.  
But I’m ok.  
I understand why her. On every level, from the physical attraction to the fact that she rally was as safe choice for him. I have never really thought of myself as into girls; but I’d make an exception for Elsa. So I get it.   
And I understand the feeling of loving someone else, even though you’re in love with another person.   
Obviously.  
I’m learning that life is not like in the fairy-tales. And thinking it is or should be is a super fast-track to disappointment and misery.   
Love is never that simple.  
Relationships are never that simple.  
No one is ever purely good.   
We say these things like we understand them, but are still taken by surprise when they are proven true.  
There’s no such thing as a perfect moment, a perfect person, a perfect relationship: there’s always something.   
But sometimes that something doesn’t have to be a big deal.  
If you can possibly manage to be honest, and to see it from their perspective.  
I see you Finn, I see what’s happened with Elsa, and I understand it. This isn’t a deal breaker, this isn’t a big deal because I choose to make it something small.  
We’ll always need to talk about things like this; but being attracted to other people, loving other people… this can’t touch us.   
And while I’m revelling in us maintaining the monogamy, for more than just my self-esteem (I truly do love having him all to myself), the concept of polyamory or an open relationship or even shit like threesomes are not threats to us, to our relationship. They may or may not happen. We may or may not stay monogamous forever.   
I honestly don’t care and I never thought I’d say that. But it’s just that I know we’ll talk it through and I know we’ll take care of each other and I know we’ll always do what’s best for both of us. And mostly – I know we’re strong.   
Nothing can touch us.

 

‘Never Tear Us Apart by Inxs  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VU9DjQpvMQ 

They awoke in each other’s arms on Thursday morning, quite a bit earlier than intended, both feeling well rested and ready for the competition. The twins had agreed to cover for them and Kristi had even managed to get Amy to agree to go along with it. Sam was resolutely silent on the whole matter, not saying one way or the other if he would go along with it; claiming illness and wrapping himself up in his bed early and not talking to anyone until morning.   
They had awoken almost simultaneously and smiled sleepily at each other. They had ended up talking for a while after dinner and then falling asleep in each other’s arms without making love; the stress and tension of the past few days catching up with both of them.  
Without a word Finn stroked the hair from her face; the way he always did and looked at her with love in his eyes. And she truly saw his expression properly for the first time. So many times she had had it proven to her that he loved her, and she had believed it for quite some time now. But there had always been the part of her that believed she didn’t deserve him, believed that she was a fat girl, usurping the fit lad from the fit girls and eventually she’d be found out. Finn had worked hard for months to make her see how beautiful she was, and there had been glorious moments of clarity, of burgeoning self-esteem, of believing she was sexy. But they had been moments, blips on a radar. But now she felt it; an unending permanent sense of self-worth. It was still tiny, but it was there. It had taken knowing that she truly was loveable, knowing that Finn really wasn’t an anomaly to make her feel like she was worth something; even just a little. She knew what Kester would say about this, about finding self-worth from within not from outside of herself. But right now she didn’t care. Because for the first time in her life, as Finn looked at her with that love in his eyes, she felt like she deserved love.   
There was still the underlying issues with Phil and Elsa to slowly work through, and the slight touching the idea of possibly opening up their relationship in the far distant futures, guilt that they both felt over various things they had both done, and all sorts of things to work through, right from the beginning of their relationship; they’d address it all in minute detail. But right now, in this moment, she finally knew that she deserved him. Not just the words, but deep down in her bones she knew it; she deserved to be loved by someone like Finn.   
She leaned forward to kiss him and he gladly returned the kiss; happy that she was feeling this moment too. Finn felt like they had conquered Everest; if they could go through something like Phil and Elsa and still look at each other like this, then there was literally nothing other than death itself that could separate them. He’d known for a while that they’d survive anything; it was nice to have this confirmation. He found that he genuinely did not care what happened with Phil; it was part of a journey she had to go through. He felt lucky to have been around to help her through it. And whether she had finished that journey completely or not he didn’t know, nor did he care; he’d help her through that too and any other journey she needed to go through to find herself. Elsa talking to them about wanting forever and that they needed to stop worrying about things had really hit home with Finn. He found himself more and more letting go of the idea of what he was supposed to do and what she was supposed to do and what a relationship was supposed to be and found himself feeling more and more committed to her and to them exploring this love and this life together, and letting the journey take them where it may; they could handle t, whatever it was.   
There was a calmness between then, and between kisses they would stop to stare at each other, feeling the energy between them; as if their souls were connected. And every time they would both smile contently, knowing that this is where they belonged.   
They spent a long time kissing and touching each other before Finn gently pulled her to him and hitched her leg over his hip. When he entered her Rae closed her eyes and took her time savouring this moment before opening them to take in every little detail of their lovemaking; it was important. Finn was important. She wanted to remember everything that happened in this moment, because this was the first time they’d made love when she felt like she deserved his love, like she deserved his slow kisses, his gentle caresses, his deep kisses, his tender glances. She deserved it all. She deserved to be loved.   
Finn felt the change in her. The way she moved her hands more purposely over his body, he understood that that part of her that was always waiting for him to wake up and realise he deserved better was not present right now, and she was enjoying his body fully for the first time. She was touching him as if she deserved to, she was kissing him as if she had a right to, she was making love to him as if she belonged there with him; there was no part in the back of her mind telling her that she was usurper, that she would be found out as a fraud that didn’t belong here.  
He loved this. But more importantly, Rae loved it.

 

They had sex in the shower, Rae initiated it. Finn had been taken by surprise, she had pushed him into the wall and her lips had found his, her hand sliding down his waist to his cock before he’d even had a chance to register what she was doing. She had initiated before, but always with a question, as if asking permission to want him, to have sex with them. This time she was taking him.  
And Finn loved it. He loved that she wasn’t asking permission to want him, and he especially loved that she wasn’t tentative about making him know how much she wanted him. It gave Finn a heady rush as he felt what it was to be so strongly desired by someone else that they couldn’t seem to contain themselves. He knew that Rae wanted him, but she had always been fairly reserved about how she would show it, preferring to work him into a frenzy of lust for her. And he knew, from reading her diary that she was a fairly lustful girl… It was so nice to be finally seeing it in the flesh. And it wasn’t that she was doing something that she had never done before, she had kissed him here and stroked him there and rubbed against him before, it was the intensity that was different. It was the level of desire, it was the unashamed, unabashed lust for him in her eyes. Finn felt that perhaps he understood how important it was to be so completely desired by another person after seeing her like this. He felt that she would devour him and it made his pulse race with desire. Rae was so glad that Finn had been hitting the gym because when she jumped up on him and he slammed her into the wall and they had fucked passionately, standing up, raise legs wrapped around him, her hands pulling at him, scratching him, demanding he be closer, she never doubted that he could hold her up. This was the Rae Finn had wanted to see for so long; this was a Rae that was uncensored by her own anxiety and fear.

 

They just made it to breakfast in time, Elsa gave them an unimpressed glance, before continuing her breakfast silently. There was a nervous energy around the table and Finn felt himself starting to jitter. Sam and Elsa were fairly subdued, but someone from the hotel had managed to find them some over-the-counter medicine to help with their symptoms and both were beginning to perk up as the breakfast continued. Finn had never been in this kind of competition before and he felt nerves tingling throughout his insides. It was so strange for Rae to be sitting next to him, laughing uproariously with Kristi, as if nothing huge were about to happen today. Amy and Kurt both looked as nervous as Finn, but Kristi was managing to keep it together, and Sam and Rae were much less nervous than the others, having done the whole thing just a few days before.  
As they started to head out to the theatre safety talk, Sam stopped Finn and motioned for everyone else to go on without them. Rae had an idea of what Sam was going to tell Finn, so she simply left with the twins, shaking her head and deciding to wait for Finn outside of the restaurant. Sam watched Amy go off to the ladies room with a wary eye.  
“What’s up mate?” Finn asked impatiently.  
“Look Finn, I know this is none of me business, but I really think you need to know what was going on with Phil and Rae these past few days.” Sam looked pained to be saying this at all, but obviously felt that it was the right thing to do.  
“You’re right Sam, it is none of your business.” Finn’s voice had been firmer than he had intended and Sam looked quite affronted. But Finn remained unapologetic. They stared at each other for a moment, Sam not sure what to say.  
“I just thought it was something you should know.” Sam mumbled and Finn felt strangely annoyed by that mumble. The assumptions behind Sam’s words were manifold and none of them were good. Finn tried to be fair about it and remember that perhaps these assumptions were fair in any other relationship, but not in theirs.  
“Well, thanks mate.” Finn tried to say in a friendly tone. “But Rae and I are fine.” Finn slapped him on the back to let him know they were still okay and they headed out of the restaurant together, followed by Amy, who had heard every single word.

 

“Holy fuck…” Finn marvelled when he saw the size of the theatre, his nerves painfully jabbing at his stomach.  
“It’s fine Finn.” Rae soothed gently. “It’s not as big as you think it is, and it mostly fills up with students.” She lied, not wanting to tell him how big the audience would actually be.   
“So our competitors are gonna be watching us?” Finn asked with a slightly horrified expression.  
“Well I guess when you think of it like that it does seem scary…” Rae conceded, “But if it’s any consolation, all of them will be feeling like you are.” Finn turned his eyes to her and Rae noticed how pale he seemed. “Alright come and sit down.” She guided him to the chairs and gently rubbed his back while the safety speech was given. Finn barely listened, but instead decided that he and Rae were heading straight back to the hotel rooms to practice; he felt completely unprepared for this.

 

They practised.  
And practised some more.  
But Rae, understanding that an air of spontaneity and timing were vital for comedy, took Finn’s mind off his nerves by slowly undressing him and pushing him back onto the middle bed. Rae didn’t care that anyone from their group could come in at any moment, she took off her clothes and straddled Finn, kissing his body with a passion and a fervour that neither of them were accustomed to. Finn put his hands over his eyes and groaned deeply at the feel of her lips and tongue worshipping his entire body, the occasional bite, some of them quite hard, making him groan even deeper. Those random moments of pain caused by her teeth were quite welcome and before he knew it, his groans of pleasure had escalated her intensity and her fingers dug into his flesh, pulling him to her aggressively, as her mouth moved over his body. Finn again had that strange sensation of feeling like she would devour him.  
His mouth opened in stunned pleasure as she slid her lips over his cock and squeezed his balls firmer than she ever had. She groaned loudly and sucked on his cock rapidly and deeply, and all Finn could do was hold onto the bed and groan loudly while she did her thing, she grabbed his hips firmly and pulled him into her, her forehead, touching his stomach each time she basically impaled her throat on his cock. She became so impassioned that her forehead was hitting his stomach with quite a force and Finn’s breath was taken away by the intensity with which she was sucking him. He looked down at her head moving up and down rapidly and felt himself rushing towards like orgasm much faster than he ever had from oral sex. But just as suddenly as she had started sucking his cock, she stopped. She looked up at him, her lips still on the tip of his dick and grinned sinuously, a seductive light in her eyes that Finn had never seen before. She crawled up his body, her eyes staying on his, that look never leaving her face, her tongue licking her top lip slowly as she positioned her cunt over his mouth and ground herself on his face. Finn moaned as he smelt her and tasted her, his hands shot up to grab her arse as he licked her feverishly, desperately wanting to feel her thighs tighten around his head as her body shook with pleasure. Rae continued to ride Finn’s face as he dined on her, her hands running over her own body, enjoying the sensations of her own body’s pleasure fully. When she did cum, her head was thrown back, her hands on her breasts, and she moaned loudly, grinding her cunt into Finn’s mouth, while Finn’s fingers dug into her arse driving her on.  
As soon as her body had stopped shaking Finn used that new strength of his to push her back slightly, freeing his mouth.  
“Ride me girl.” He practically pleaded and Rae enjoyed the urgency in his voice. It was a different kind of urgency; it was born of her newfound sexual confidence. She slowly edged backwards, letting her body graze along his, every point at which their skin touched singing lustily. When she finally slid his cock into her wet pussy he groaned and covered his face again. The intensity in her eyes, the way she was touching both her own body and his; it was too much. He had to close his eyes and think of something else, anything other than the way she was fucking him, the way she was taking control and how much he was enjoying it. She squeezed his nipples hard, making him cry out and forcing his mind back into the now, his eyes focussed on her body; arched back, her breasts thrust out, riding him like an expert, her opening to let him in, but squeezing tight every time she slid him out.   
Rae knew what she was doing to him, she remembered her talk with Chloe and Izzy about milking the cock… And she could tell how much he enjoyed her taking the lead like this, and that only made her want to do it more. Her fingers fell onto the curve of her belly and she closed her eyes and let her fingertips trace along her stomach. Finn watched her enjoying her body and tried to let go of the bed sheets, so he could touch her, join in. But she batted his hands away and continued to enjoy the silky feel of her own skin, one hand going to her face to trace along her lips as her other hand slid down to play with her clitoris. She’d done this before, ridden him and masturbated, but never with this much revelry in herself. Finn happily put his hands above his heads and watched the show; a show not intended for him. It was all about her right now; she was discovering and worshipping her own body.   
She fucked herself to a loud orgasm on him, her eyes snapping open after she had cum, the pleasure still in her eyes as she let her upper body drop down on him, her lips grazing his, their panting breaths cooling the sweat on each other’s face.  
“Beg me to let you cum.” She whispered to him and stopped moving. He almost gasped in surprise.  
“Rae?” He moaned. But he saw the sinful glint in her eye and knew she wasn’t messing. He had to beg. He’d begged her before, and he had no qualms in doing it again. “Please let me cum.” He whispered to her. She flexed the muscles in her cunt and he groaned.  
“Again.”  
“Please let me cum.” Again she flexed the muscles, a little tighter this time, enjoying the way it made his stomach quiver slightly.   
“You’ll have to do better than that.” She grinned, as if drunk on power.   
“Please fuck me until I cum.” Finn’s tone took on a more pleading quality and Rae took a long moment to slide him in and out of her, her muscles clenching for him and he groaned appreciatively. Rae was beginning to learn just what she could do to him. “Oh god please do that again.” He almost whimpered, and Rae knew she wouldn’t let him cum until he was whimpering. She yanked one of his nipples hard instead and he gasped.   
“I’ll do what I want to you.” She whispered and he nodded slowly; he’d been so wanting this from her. But now, in this hotel was not the best time for properly exploring this, and he could see the look in her eyes; she had plans for him, later. For now, this was just a taste. “Beg.”  
“I need to cum Rae, please let me cum. Please.” She gently squeezed his other nipple and again started to slide him in and out languorously, her muscles tensed, her fingers tightening on his nipple as she went. Finn’s body didn’t know whether to react to the pleasure or the pain and it pushed him closer to coming.   
“Oh god, please.” He whimpered.  
“What?”  
“Please.”  
“What’s that?” She teased.  
“Oh god please let me cum.” She moved her hips slightly.  
“You wanna cum.”  
“Please Rae.” His voice was urgent and cajoling. And she let him have it; moving her hips in a long grinding motion, her muscles milking his cock, his groans deepening instantly, his hands squeezing the head board of the bed above him as he cried out in bliss.   
“Oh fuck!” He gasped his hands going to her face, “Fuck I love you girl.” His whole body spasmed and shuddered as Rae kept fucking him, as if to milk every drop from him, her eyes still fucking him as he shivered out the last of his orgasm.   
She gave him no time to rest before making him put his clothes on without showering; she wanted him to smell like sex when they went down to lunch. 

 

They had practised all they could, and Finn felt as prepared as he could when he stepped out onto the stage. His starting position was looking out at the audience, and Rae was to enter. But as he awaited her entrance, he realised he had forgotten his first line. He tried to not look too panicked, to think about everything he’d learned about improvisation… but his mind was utterly blank. Panic swept through his body and for a brief moment he almost had a window into kind of what it was like to be Rae when panic attacks struck her. His stomach knotted painfully with a dread he could barely hide as he looked out at all the expectant faces glaring back up at him. It seemed like he’d been on the stage for hours, desperately fumbling to remember the line before she came on so he’d have something to say to her. And then she was there, saying her first line.   
Finn turned to her and she saw that fear in his eyes and knew he’d forgotten the line. Rae scrambled in her mind to think of an improvisation to cover him.  
But then the rehearsals kicked in and all the practice paid off and the line was out of his mouth before he’d even registered remembering it. His body even did exactly what they had practiced, his voice following the exact pattern they had decided upon between them.   
When they got offstage she kissed him in the wings while the next duologue was introduced.  
“I’m so proud of you!” She exclaimed before dragging him to the green room, “You did so well to recover after the line loss!” She told him and he smiled sadly.  
“Aye, but losing the line means we probably won’t get through.” He lowered his eyes in disappointment.   
“I thought you said you weren’t expecting to get through?” Rae reminded him and he scrunched his nose as if to say ‘it still would have been nice.’ “And I think we did better than you think!” Rae nodded her head sagely and Finn shrugged glumly, thoroughly disappointed with himself for forgetting the line, even if he had recovered well. Rae read his mood perfectly and stroked his hair soothingly, “Finn, it’s your first competition like this, your first real time on a real stage… you did so well!” She reassured him and he smiled grimly in return.  
“But not well enough to win it.” He lamented.  
“We never thought we’d win it; that’s the twins, remember?” She watched Finn nod sulkily and couldn’t help but grin at him; the competition had gotten under his skin, he was starting to like theatre. 

 

It was a morose dinner that night. Sam and Amy hadn’t performed well on account of Sam nearly passing out with fever for most of the performance, and the twins had both lost lines in theirs. Rae and Finn hadn’t seen either performance, but Elsa told them that the twins had improvised so well you couldn’t tell the lines were dropped. But no one had any illusions about Sam and Amy; Sam was in bed, too sick to even eat dinner and Elsa was having him taken back to Stamford tonight; she’d probably go with him, but come back straight away. When the announcement came to the table about how they had gone, no one expected to be in the finals tomorrow. Elsa opened the piece of paper with an expectant air, and the paper had the results she had expected.   
“You’re through.” She grinned at the twins and then had to blow her nose, the piece of paper clutched in her hands. Everyone congratulated the twins, but Elsa broke into a coughing fit and Finn gave Rae a glum look. She shrugged, wanting him to know that it was ok if they didn’t make it. She knew they’d done better than Finn thought they had, but she didn’t know if it was good enough. Elsa drank some water and leaned back in her chair exhausted and sick. Her eyes fell to Rae and Finn, “You’re trough too.” She told them, “if you lose your lines tomorrow Finn, cover it better than that alright?” Finn was too stunned to even reply to what she had said, or to take in the congratulations. He barely noticed Elsa turning to Amy to give her the commiserations they all knew were coming. And Rae’s lips were on his, snapping him out of his shock and letting his stomach drop happily. He laughed and Rae loved the way he couldn’t get the dopey grin off his face.   
It was only moments later that the minivan arrived to take Sam home, Amy decided to go with him.   
“I’ll be back in a few hours, after you finish down here; straight up to your rooms ok?” Elsa told them and they all agreed without argument; the all knew they needed the sleep.   
They ordered desert and Finn ordered a round of beers for them as celebration for getting that far; they’d only have the one, the competition wasn’t over yet.   
“Who d’you reckon’s gonna win it?” Kurt asked as he scooped a massive mouthful of ice cream into his mouth.   
“Probably that funny girl Lauren and what’s her name?” Kristi considered for a moment.  
“Nikita.” Rae answered and Kristi nodded.  
“They were fucking hilarious, but that Lauren, she were so funny… her face…” Kristi started to giggle thinking about the things Lauren could do with her face and shook her head, “We’re gonna see her in the movies one day.” Kristi told them.   
“Aye probably.” Rae agreed.   
They agreed that the twins would sleep in one room and that Rae and Finn would share the other; it worked better for everyone that way; they could rehearse as much as they wanted.   
Finn felt like he was walking on a cloud as he practically skipped into their room, collapsing on the middle bed, pulling Rae on top of him.  
“I can’t believe it.” He muttered as he circled his arms around her, “Well obviously I can believe you’d get through. But me?” He chortled happily and Rae was silently grinning, enjoying his reactions.   
“This is definitely a good night.” He yawned sleepily and she snuggled into him, not wanting to get up to move the beds or get undressed. But eventually they did get up and prepare for bed, Finn still grinning.   
“Thank you so much for paying for me to come to both of these.” Rae said with wholehearted gratitude.  
“It was my pleasure girl.” He shrugged.  
“I’m glad I got to win.” She looked over at the trophy and Finn grinned even more happily, “But I’m even more glad that I get to see you like this.” He scrunched his nose at her and she returned the gesture with a huge grin.   
They fell into bed together, arms wrapped around each other, eyes heavy with sleep, and fell almost instantly asleep on their two single beds pushed together to make a lumpy and annoying double bed.   
Rae couldn’t remember a time in her life when she had been this happy. She hadn’t thought she could get any happier than simply being with Finn. But being with Finn, and beginning to not hate herself, and doing so well at school, and finally getting herself and her life together; this was even better. 

 

‘Original Sin’ by Inxs  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egDJc1HhiZ4 

Chloe skipped down the stairs to the front door as soon as she heard the front door bell.  
Her father had been grumbling about this all week, but her mother had been cautiously optimistic and had made nothing short of a feast for dinner.   
She opened the door and saw a cleanly shaven Rhys, the short growth of hair on his head softening the sternness of his features.   
“You didn’t have to shave.” She told him and he shrugged.  
“Might as well try my best to make a good impression.” He said with a wry grin.  
“I like your goatee.”   
“It’ll grow back in no time.” He answered her slight pout with a more genuine smile.   
“So dad’s in full on racist, ‘you’re not good enough for my daughter’ mode.” Chloe appraised him of the situation, “and mum is in ‘impress the guy that’s guarding our daughter from Ian’ mode.” Rhys gave a soft chuckle.  
“Alright I know what to expect then.” She took his hand and led him into the lounge room, sitting down beside him on the sofa.   
“I’ll see if I can get you up to see my room later on.” She said cheekily and Rhys had to supress his chuckle; he’d never really had to worry about parents and getting to see people’s rooms before.   
“Alright missy.” He grinned conspiratorially, and Chloe returned the grin, feeling like they were naughty children planning something against the rules. Chloe’s mother, Christine came in with a tray of four drinks, beaming she placed them down on the table.   
“I’ll just get Jarred.” She gave a small nod to Rhys and left the room. Chloe shook her head.  
“I’ve never seen her not properly introduce herself or welcome a guest into her house before.” Chloe whispered. “It’s like she’s scared; gotta go run and get dad.” She sniggered and Rhys shook his head with a huge grin.  
“Stop making fun o’ your parents.” He said only half seriously and Chloe dropped her head to the side.  
“Right, cos it’s not like they deserve it.” She raised her eyebrows and Rhys shook his head to indicate that he wasn’t going to talk about it. They were racist, but they were her parents, and he was not about to come in between her and her parents. Chloe understood his silence and leaned over to kiss him, wrapping her leg over his thigh. His hands went to her back gently, he was acutely aware that her folks were about, and he wanted for this to go as smoothly as possible.   
Jarred cleared his throat gruffly as he entered the room, and Christine put her hand on his arm to stop his comment, probably something about Rhys touching his daughter. Christine could see Chloe deliberately lingering in the kiss and Rhys, very gently extricating himself from her embrace. Christine sighed internally; Chloe was already angry at her father over her relationship with Rhys, and she could feel the battle of wills beginning. Chloe reluctantly let Rhys’s gentle insistence win and settled in beside him, leaning into him, and he took her hand, feeling the need in her to display her defiance in regards to her parent’s attitude. She was not in the mood to negotiate with her parents, Rhys realised that as far as Chloe was concerned, this was very much all about her laying down the law to them.  
Jarred eyed them both with obvious displeasure and sat down in his armchair, and Christine started to hand out the drinks, anxiously trying to keep the peace.  
“They’re Saharan Martinis.” She said with a triumphant grin and handed the cocktails to each of them, “They’re African.” She intimated to Rhys who didn’t know how he stopped himself laughing incredulously and rolling his eyes simultaneously.  
“Oh?” He asked politely, he felt Chloe’s fingers tighten around his. “Where in Africa is this martini from?” Martinis were American and Rhys knew that.   
“I think the book said South Africa?” She answered happily and Rhys blinked a few times. The Saharan was nowhere near South Africa.  
“Mum, Rhys is from England.” Chloe told her and both of her parents furrowed their brows at her.  
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Her father countered sternly.   
“He was born here!” Chloe retorted fiercely. Christine looked at Rhys and he nodded slowly, but, for the sake of Chloe’s future relationship with her parents, he decided to ease the situation, even though normally he quite enjoyed making racists uncomfortable.   
“My mother was from Nigeria.” He tried to not sound as reluctant as he felt to give them that information. He saw Jarred nod knowingly, grasping hold of that information triumphantly as if to prove he was right.  
“See Chloe.” He said with a tone that infuriated Chloe.  
“His mother was born in Nigeria.” Chloe said through gritted teeth, “Rhys was born here. He’s 100% British, just like you.” Chloe wasn’t even going to try and convince her parents that Rhys’s mother was British as well, even though she had chosen to come here and become a citizen; that made her British in Chloe’s eyes. But her father accepted nothing less than being born here as proof of citizenship. Although Chloe was beginning to realise it was more than that; it was a skin tone as well.   
Rhys took a sip of the martini and held it up to Christine.  
“This is fantastic.” He told her and Christine let out a nervous breath and nodded.   
“I’m glad you like it; I’ve themed the whole dinner around your people.” She nodded enthusiastically.   
“My… people…?” Rhys asked, unsure how to take that.  
“Africans!” She answered happily.   
“As in the whole of Africa?” Rhys asked and she nodded again, her happiness apparent. “Well you’ve got a lot of ground to cover,” He tried to sound warm and resisted the urge to tell her how many countries were in Africa, how many different cultures and cuisines… “I look forward to seeing what you’ve come up with.” Rhys managed to say with a tight smile. Christine took that as a compliment and bustled off to the kitchen. Normally she’d insist on Chloe helping her in the kitchen, that’s what the women did, but she had a feeling it was better to leave Chloe in the room with the men to hopefully keep them on their best behaviour; even if Chloe herself was misbehaving.   
Jarred sipped the cocktail and eyed Rhys thoughtfully.   
“What do you do for a living?” He asked as if Rhys was in a job interview. Chloe’s hand tightened around Rhys’s again, but he reached over and put a hand on her knee momentarily, letting her know he was alright.   
“I own the boxing joint.” Rhys answered and Chloe was gifted by a surprised look from her father, “I just bought it with my business partner Tom.”  
“That’s Archie’s… partner?” Jarred asked tightly and Rhys nodded, “You must have a lot of debt then.” He stated knowingly, and Chloe again was gifted, this time by Rhys’s smile as he shook his head.  
“We bought it outright.” He said honestly, “And the building next door; we’re upgrading the facilities to include a heated indoor pool.” Jarred’s brows furrowed as he struggled to accept that.  
“You didn’t get a business loan?”  
“Didn’t need one.” Rhys answered in as equally a serious tone as Jarred was using on him.   
“I find that hard to believe.” Jarred retorted sharply.  
“Rhys made a lot of money with professional fighting and doing acting in movies, as well as being a personal trainer.”  
“Any movies I’ve seen?” Jarred asked sceptically.  
“Perhaps.” Rhys shrugged; it was surprising how many people watched porn.   
“Unlikely dad.” Chloe asserted, “But they’re huge in Africa.” She told a lie he’d believe and one he could never verify.  
“Of course.” He answered in an unimpressed tone.   
“And what do you do for a job?” Rhys asked in an attempt to forward the conversation.  
“Why do you want to know?”  
“It’s just polite conversation dad!” Chloe answered snippily.  
“Didn’t you lot send out letters to everyone through the mail trying to get their bank account details, so a prince of yours could filter his money out of your country because the government was corrupt or something?” Jarred asked pointedly.  
“I really wouldn’t know.” Rhys answered stoically, he was fighting his natural instinct to tackle racists head on.  
“Dad!” Chloe corrected angrily.   
“Yeah, I remember, I got a letter back in the 80s!” He laughed. “People were actually falling for that scam, I bet a lot of your people got quite rich off of that.”   
“I read some research that indicated that most Nigerian scammers where actually from America.” Rhys answered tightly.  
“Oh yes, no doubt.” Jarred answered and Chloe was surprised he was conceding, “There’s lots of Africans there.” Chloe’s eyes opened wide, unable to believe the nerve of her father.  
“Dad!” Chloe said again, unable to even comprehend what he was saying. It was so much harder to know what to say or do when it was coming from her own father. “Don’t worry pet, I know he’s different.” Her father waved off her concerns and gave Rhys a tight smile. “He’s your boyfriend after all.”   
“Yes he is.” Chloe answered adamantly, “And I love him very much.”  
“Love him.” Jarred mulled those words over moodily. “And how old is he?” He asked pointedly, his eyes turning to Rhys, “How old are you?”  
“24.” Rhys answered, his eyes narrowing, as he began to understand that this battle with her father was going to be a lot harder than he had first imagined. He had supposed that given how amazing Chloe was, there had to be some of that in her parents and once he found that part of both of them he’d be able to win them over. He hadn’t seen any of her in them so far. He realised why Chloe had taken on the defiant air, and understood that he should have taken her tact all along, instead of trying to be tactful with these people.   
“So you’re seven years older than my daughter.” He said in an accusatory tone. Rhys opened his mouth to answer this but Chloe interrupted.  
“You’re five years older than mum!”  
“Your mother wasn’t 17 when we started our relationship.”   
“No she were 18.” Chloe agreed, “Which I’m about to be in a fucking week!”  
“You watch your language!” Her father snapped and Chloe lowered her eyes.  
“Sorry.” She answered bitterly. Rhys’s brows furrowed, he had to figure out a way to save this, as much as he deeply disliked this man, he had to find a commonality with him; he didn’t want Chloe to have to endure what Tom was going through. But on the other hand, his instinct to protect Chloe was growing daily, and to see anyone so strongly correct her was enough to make his heckles rise. He put his arm around her shoulders defiantly; taking on the same air that she had had earlier and she looked up at him with a grateful smile and then looked at her father defiantly.   
“Yeah I’m 6 years older.” Rhys answered jutting his jaw slightly, his east end accent coming out a bit more. “And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?” Chloe’s face shot up to his and she beamed at him. Jarred’s face grew livid with anger.  
“How dare you talk to me like that in my own house?” He said in a quiet voice.   
“Shall I count how many racist things you’ve said to me in the last 10 minutes?” Rhys retorted smoothly, “Or do you wanna move past this moment for the sake of Chloe?” Jarred mouthed silent words in fury and Rhys stood up, drawing himself to his full height, “What’s more important to you Jarred? Your malee go and pride? Or your daughter’s respect and future happiness?” Chloe watched her father’s jaw snap shut as he took in Rhys’s height and physique.  
“Are you trying to threaten me?” Jarred asked in a bewildered frenzy of enraged indignation.   
“I stood,” Rhys answered in a firm voice, “Because Chloe wishes to show me her room.” He held his hand out to Chloe who took it and stood up, still beaming at him.   
“You’re not going in my daughter’s room!” Jarred hissed.  
“Yes I am.” Rhys answered calmly, “Feel free to join us Jarred.” Rhys motioned for Chloe to show him the way and she did, smirking happily as her father joined them, sputtering like an old kettle.   
Rhys was not comfortable being so disrespectful in someone else’s home, but Chloe would always come first, and she needed him to be strong in this particular way right now, so he would. The climb up the stairs knocked some of the wind out of Jarred and he stood by silently as Chloe explained everything in her room, Rhys listening intently to every word she said, completely ignoring Jarred’s presence. Rhys intended to make Chloe feel more at home at his place, and seeing her room actually gave him inspiration for things he could do to help with that. Jarred watched their interaction like a hawk, noticing how easy they were with each other. And he didn’t like it. They were laughing together, enjoying each other’s company, pretending he wasn’t even there, and he did not approve one bit.  
“The only reason I’m tolerating you boy, is because my wife thinks you can protect Chloe.” Rhys took a moment with that sentence; he noted that Jarred called Christine ‘his wife’ denying her her own identity; she became an extension of him instead, defined only by her relationship with him. He noted the use of the worse ‘tolerating’ and ‘boy,’ he heard the tone, he understood the racist undertones; of course a black man would be able to protect her from a thug like Ian… He considered telling Jarred that Chloe could protect herself, but felt that such a feminist notion would be lost on him.   
“He’s teaching me self-defence.” Chloe interjected forcefully. But Jarred scoffed derisively and folded his arms over his chest as he looked at Rhys.  
“Teaching a little girl to try and defend herself against those monsters instead of being man enough to do it yourself.” He shook his head, “have you seen the size of my daughter?” He asked incredulously, “she’s tiny! What could she hope to do against-” But he didn’t finish his sentence; Chloe grabbed him, and using counterweight, threw him over her shoulder. He landed with a loud thud and she stood over him.  
“So you need to start paying him for the lessons.” She looked down at her father, “Cos I’m tired of bleeding him dry getting all the freebies from him.” Chloe continued, “Rhys runs this company, he can’t be giving out freebies all the time.” She continued, “You understand sound logic like that daddy.” She smiled sweetly and held her hand out to him. He looked at her, winded and shocked. He took her hand and stood up, still surprised, unsure whether to be impressed or chide her for her unladylike behaviour. In the end, considering everything that had happened to his little girl, he went with impressed and turned his eyes to Rhys and nodded curtly.  
“We’ll talk costs after dinner.” He said stiffly and motioned towards the door. “Out.” He said firmly and Rhys acquiesced without a word. Chloe skipped after him, stopping to give her father a kiss on the cheek before she followed Rhys and gave him a knowing smile, Rhys understood just how clever Chloe was being with slowly training her parents to be better behaved. He would continue to take her lead it seemed. He grinned happily, having no objection to that. 

 

‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ by Queen  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM 

The meet and greet the next morning for the finalists was a less formal affair, but the chap from the Oxford School of Drama was around, and this time, so were the representatives of LAMDA and RADA, which was very unexpected. They’d been at the finals for the dramatic duologues, and when Rae looked around, she saw that nearly a third of the contestants for the comedy duologues had also been finalists in the dramatic duologues competition too, and Rae noted that the reps only talked to the actors that had been finalists in both competitions. A lot of eyes fell on Rae, and several people asked her about Phillip and why he was not present given what a brilliant actor he was. Finn held her hand and they politely glided through the crowds, the twins beside them lapping it all up merrily.   
Rae knew the reps would eventually, possibly talk to her, and she scanned the room quietly, seeing where the reps were. Her eyes fell upon a fellow actor, a finalist from the dramatic duologues too. He looked a little like Archie and his eyes were on her, an appreciative grin on his face. When she caught him looking he raised his eyebrows as if to say ‘busted’ but didn’t look away; his grin merely broadened.   
Rae took a moment to mull over the fact that she had caught an attractive lad perving on her and realised that she didn’t care. This was quite a big deal. She didn’t feel self-conscious, she didn’t wonder why, she felt flattered and it gave her a little bit of a buzz, but she could easily shrug it off and she turned her eyes back to Finn as he stood talking to Kurt happily.   
She listened silently for a moment, and then Rae was struck by an overwhelming sense of understanding of what Phillip had really given her. Not Phillip exactly, but the fact that someone else had loved her so selflessly and completely. It hadn’t just taught her that Finn wasn’t an anomaly; that was only half of the lesson. The other half was that if Finn wasn’t an anomaly, then he didn’t own her beauty. She wasn’t just beautiful to him, in his eyes, or only when he was around… she owned her beauty. It was hers. It was with her at all times and had literally nothing to do with Finn. Or Phillip.   
It’s me… not him…  
I’m the one that this lies within… not him and his perception of me…  
The reason two such wonderful men could find her beautiful could only be because she truly was. Her beauty lied within herself, not in the fact that others found her beautiful.   
This thought had been starting to surface over the past few days, but now it was clear to her.   
It was her. Not them.   
She had to stop herself from gasping as the thought whirled round inside of her. Old, dogged, beliefs about herself reared their ugly heads, and she knew it would be a hard fought battle for this new understanding to be the prevailing thought she had about her looks, but just having had this thought made her realise that if nothing else, she most certainly was not ugly.   
I might not be some stunning beauty… but I am alright.  
I’m not ugly.  
I’m not…   
I’m not ugly.  
She felt herself suddenly grinning like a fool as she realised what the flipside of the lesson had been and she tried to grab that knowledge and hold onto it tightly before her old familiar patterns of self-hatred set in; she wanted to fight her old ways of thinking and truly recover.   
“Miss Rachel Earl.” A young man held out his hand to her and a woman with him smiled like a hyena on the hunt. Finn turned to look at the two people talking to Rae.  
“We represent RADA, you may have heard of us?” The young woman said in a silken tone as she shook Rae’s hand. Finn’s jaw dropped slightly and he watched on with humble admiration as Rae was courted first by RADA then LAMDA. Elsa was watching from the other side of the room, sitting with some bottled water, waiting for the medicine to kick in before she could even attempt to be pleasant to someone who wasn’t one of her four students; who were people she actually genuinely liked. She was glad these four had gotten into the finals; they all deserved it.   
Finn looked over at Elsa to see her grinning as Rae spoke with the reps and took their information packs graciously, he took a quick moment to appreciate that even when she was so sick, she still looked amazing and then turned his eyes to scan the room. His ears were in tune to everything that was being said to Rae, but he didn’t want to stare at her while she was having a conversation he wasn’t a part of. He saw the Archie look-alike still having a sly perv at Rae and wondered how Rae felt about it and if she had noticed. If she had a problem with the guy looking at her, Finn would make him stop if she liked. But if she was fine with it, then so be it; it meant nothing to him or to their relationship. He looked back at Rae and watched her chatting, enchanted by the facial expressions she did. Her face was always changing and doing amazing things; she was so expressive. And her eyes were magic.   
A few moments later the bell for the actors to go into the greenroom or audience sounded and Rae and Finn headed into the theatre to watch the first half of the show; they were second last this time.   
Strangely, Finn didn’t feel as nervous as he had yesterday; he knew what to expect, and even though the stakes were higher this time, having that prior knowledge calmed him. Now he was focused on the competition and wanting to win. 

 

By the time they were let out for lunch both of their jaws seemed to be permanently dropped.   
“How the fuck did we get through to the finals?” Finn marvelled and Rae shook her head and shrugged. The duologues had been hilarious, the twins were in good company.   
“We can’t win this thing!” Rae shook her head and then laughed, “Oh well, I guess that means we just go out on the stage and have fun with it.”   
“Does it bother you that we can’t win?” Finn asked and Rae shook her head.  
“I’ve already got a pretty trophy.” She grinned, “I can share mine with you if you like?” Finn grinned at her and nodded.  
“Sounds like a plan girl!” He draped his arm over her shoulders, “Right, let’s get some lunch.”   
Having the pressure of possibly winning off his shoulders was oddly blissful for Finn; he did feel a little disappointed, but after seeing some of the other duologues, he knew when the competition was just too strong. And if Rae didn’t think they could win and they should just have fun with it, then he knew his underlying suspicions were true; he wasn’t much of an actor. And if she didn’t mind that they couldn’t win, then he could cope with his own disappointment. 

 

When it came time to go on stage, Finn found himself in the wings, waiting for a stage blackout. As soon as the lights were down he strutted on, exaggerating his walk to get himself laughing at himself, to ease out the last of his tension. He stood in the darkness, not even thinking about his lines; he’d wing it, improvise was the term Elsa used, if he dropped his lines. He’d always managed to do it in rehearsal, so why not now? He was so glad that Rae had seen what he had seen; that they had no hope of winning. It took so much pressure of his shoulders to try and live up to her standard of acting; something he could never hope to do, not even in comedy, which everyone knew was easier than good dramatic acting. Even so, comedy was still hard, few people understood timing properly, and playing it straight like they were was very difficult without dropping character, or corpsing as Elsa called it. Most of the duologues were playing for laughs, even the twins, but Rae and Finn were deadpan for theirs, it was always odd to see Rae doing something so funny with such a straight face; it made it funnier for him, harder to not corpse. But he didn’t mind any of that now. He was just gonna have fun with it.  
What Finn didn’t know was that Rae had watched the first half of the shows and picked up what he had picked up subconsciously; that their piece was quite unique in its deadpan humour. She also noted that their characterisation was stronger due to that discovery she’d had with Phil about character motives. Rae felt that if Finn could just get over his nerves… they could actually get a trophy out of this. If the judges were after more than just a glorified stand-up routine, and were also looking for acting and staging skills, she and Finn might even win it. Except for the few pieces that used slapstick, everyone else was doing a kind of stand and deliver’ performance, common with short comedy pieces like these. But Rae and Finn’s was dynamic, they used the whole stage and moved through their piece as if none of what they were saying was remotely funny; in fact they were almost playing it as a serious duologue. The topic was serious; how to best dispose of a body when Finn’s character had accidentally killed someone and called her, his best mate, to help him figure it out. It was the suggestions for the body disposal, delivered with utter seriousness and sincerity that were the funny part; the writing was clever, snappy and witty, the delivery perfect for the dialogue... if only Finn could keep his nerve on this stage. It was so odd that the only thing she’d ever seen Finn get really anxious about, besides herself, was performing like this in front of a large audience like this, and yet she was oddly calm… So she told Finn they had no chance of winning, to calm him. And the minute the lights came up; and she saw the way he was standing, she knew she’d done the right thing. 

 

When they got off stage, Finn had the rush of performance in his veins and he lifted her and kissed her lips exuberantly.  
“That were fucking brilliant!” He whispered to her. He’d had so much fun getting that audience reaction, Rae had actually heard someone gasping for air they were laughing so hard. They waited out the last performance, watching from the wings. Rae, knowing the ropes now, led him from the theatre towards the hotel before they’d even announced the break for the judges to deliberate. She started talking as soon as they were clear of the theatre, telling him that she had lied about thinking they had no hope, wanting to tell him before the twins and Elsa caught up with them and they went to sit in the hotel restaurant to wait.   
“Sorry I lied.” She grimaced apologetically but Finn shook his head.  
“Nah, it’s alright.” He grinned, “You knew exactly what I needed to get me going.” He shrugged and gave her a reassuring grin, “I have a lot more respect for actors now. This shit is hard.” Finn nodded his head sagely and Rae grinned at him.  
“But kinda addictive.” She scrunched her nose.  
“Oh aye!” Finn agreed, “The rush of getting the right audience reaction…” Finn shook his head, “I can see why people keep coming back to it.”  
“Oi you two!” They heard Kurt calling from behind and stopped to wait for them before heading to the restaurant for the long wait. 

 

It was nearly two hours later when they were called back to the theatre and were ushered into the backstage area. Finn put his arms around Rae and they leaned against the wall in the wing, listening to the opening speech. Finn’s head was down, waiting for the announcement of third place. If he was honest, he was hoping to get a placing; and third was the best he hoped for. Rae leaned nonchalantly back on the wall, watching his face as he tried to not betray his hopes. Kurt and Kristi stood beside them, looking out onto the stage anxiously.   
Rae felt confident that she and Finn would place; the changes to the script and acting style made her very confident in what they had produced. The piece in its first incarnation had been ok, but the edits had made it something spectacular, and she knew it. And she also knew that Finn didn’t realise just how good they’d been. She was in the same position Phil had been in with her just a few days before; knowing that they had produced something worthy of winning, and knowing that your acting partner wasn’t sure you had. She watched his face fall as third place was announce; that funny girl Lauren and her partner Nikita had gotten it. Rae had expected that she’d place; you couldn’t say her name without adding ‘that funny girl’ to it, everything she did and said was gold, and many people had gotten her phone number to stay in contact with her after the competition. Rae included. Rae had also hit it off with Nikita, who was quieter, but, as it turned out, no less funny; she was just playing it straight for the laughs in this piece.   
“Oh fuck.” Finn was so deflated, Rae squeezed him tighter. ”We didn’t get third, we’re up for nought now.” He gave her an apologetic grimace, “sorry.” He mumbled, “I am a pretty shite actor.” She kissed his nose and he furrowed his brows at her, “I’m serious Rae, I was kinda hoping…” He shrugged, embarrassed.  
“I know.” She whispered, keeping her voice down in the wings like she should, “me too.”   
“Aye.” Finn knew she had had hopes; that’s why she’d told that little white lie to calm him down.   
“And there’s two of us in this thing Finn!” She reminded him and he scrunched his nose. He didn’t really believe that they didn’t win anything because of her. He was just too new to this whole acting thing, maybe next year they’d have better luck if they could get back to the competition.   
It was announced that the judges had not been able to separate the two next performance pieces so there were two first places. Rae reached her hand out to Kristi and clasped it fiercely, the girls sharing a grin before they both looked out at the stage while the obligatory speech about the history of the competition was made. Kurt started to jitter and Finn, his hopes dashed of maybe scraping into second place, sagged even further; he knew they were going home empty handed now.   
“Finally.” Kurt whispered as they started to announce the tied first place winners.  
As Rae had predicted, the twins were announced and Kristi slammed into Rae and Finn for a hug before dragging a stunned Kurt out onto the stage.   
“And tied with Kristi Callahan and Kurt Calahan for first place, also from Stamford-” Rae shot her eyes to Finn, ready to take in his expression, “Rachel Earl,” She saw him light up and then look confused momentarily before turning his eyes to her, “And Finn Nelson.”  
“We won it.” He whispered, utterly stunned. Rae felt her face breaking out into the hugest smile at his bewildered expression. She kissed him.  
“Of course we did, you dickhead!” She pulled him out onto the stage to receive his trophy, certificate and cheque. He pulled her into his arms on stage, and remembering where he was for once, gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek before looking at the trophy happily. His first non-sporting related trophy.   
As she watched Finn reading his certificate happily, the audience still clapping, Rae suddenly realised that the commonality between this winning performance and the last one was herself. It wasn’t Phil or Finn that made anything she did a success, it was herself. She’d never deny that both lads did their fair share in this, because they both, most certainly, did. It was just nice for Rae to realise that her success really wasn’t simply dependant on who she was working with, on other people, on external forces. She had the ability to succeed within herself; it was just easier and nicer to be doing it with certain people.   
This had been a week of powerful realisations for Rae. And all of it came down to understanding and knowing what was within herself. She was finally beginning to feel as every bit as strong as Finn thought she was. She was understanding that strength wasn’t just surviving when bad things happened to you; it was also believing in yourself enough to do something that terrified you. Rae looked out at the cheering audience.  
“Nailed it.” She whispered to herself. 

 

‘To Bring You My Love’ by PJ Harvey  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJU2gTK27Us 

The journey home had been very cheerful, Elsa had praised the changes they made to their piece; both Rae and Finn knew that those changes were the reason they’d won. Before that, they hadn’t really stood a chance. The twins were deliriously happy and both talking about a mile a minute, and Rae, who was normally a big talker, was content to sit back with Finn, calmly, quietly enjoying the good feelings, their hands clasped, their eyes on the twins as they chatted. Elsa was sitting back in a similar manner, but her occasional coughs and annoyed splutters reminded them all she was sick, and not happy about it.   
When the minivan pulled into the school late on Friday afternoon, Rae and Finn were both in a happy, mellow mood and they decided to walk to her house hand in hand.   
They finally got to talk about the competition now that the twins weren’t there to dominate the conversation with their ecstatic frenetic chatter.  
“I’m so glad I got to win this with you.” Rae grinned at Finn, who still looked surprised.  
“I can’t believe how fucking exciting it was to win a fucking trophy.” Finn practically chortled, holding his trophy because it didn’t fit in his bag. He shook his head at himself but he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.   
“I might give you something else to grin about when we get home.” Rae cocked an eyebrow suggestively at him and he bit his bottom lip happily.   
“You saucy minx.” He breathed as they approached her street.   
“I mean if you can manage to let go of your trophy for a moment…” Finn looked down at it and pulled a face.  
“That’s a big ask Rae…” He joked.  
“Oh well, I s’pose we don’t have’ta fuck.” Rae shrugged.  
“This trophy means nothing to me.” He replied rapidly in a deadpan voice, a lusty light in his eyes. Rae chuckled.   
“Nah…” Rae chuckled at the playful, tragic look on his face when he thought she was pretending to revoke sex, “I’ll let you hold your trophy while I fuck you.” She said magnanimously and Finn laughed.  
“How could I refuse that?” They walked up her driveway and Rae scrunched her face at some rubbish that had blown into the garden. She sighed and picked it up.  
“Holy shit!” She laughed and showed the empty plastic cup to Finn.   
“Raymundo’s jelly…” Finn read the writing and looked up at her with a laugh, “You’re famous girl!”   
“There’s another one.” She picked it up and read it, “this one’s caramel flan.” Rae shook her head. “Someone on my street enjoys the fine products produced by Raymundo’s it seems.” She said putting on a posh accent.   
“Aye, we should show Chop these!” Finn told her but Rae shook her head.  
“I’m not holding onto rubbish just so as we can show Chop… we’ll just have’ta tell him.” Rae answered firmly and Finn shrugged, unlocking the front door without another thought.  
“OH MY GOD!” Rae gasped.  
“GET OUT!”   
Finn slammed the door shut and looked back at Rae with wide open eyes, but she also had wide eyes.  
“Was that…?”  
“Aye.” She whimpered. They’d just opened the door on her mum and Karim fucking on the sofa.   
“Holy fuck.” Finn shook his head slowly and blinked several times as if trying to make sense of what he had just seen.

 

Karim was making tea resolutely.   
Linda was staring at Rae and then Finn in turn.  
Rae and Finn were looking down at the table silently.   
It had been a few minutes of uncomfortable silence spent like this.  
“You… are supposed to be… staying at Finn’s yeah?” Karim asked slowly, looking at his three people with a concerned expression.   
“We thought we’d head back here for a minute.” Rae said tightly.  
“For what possible reason?” Linda asked. There was an awkward silence as Rae tried to think of a reason other than ‘for a really loud shag, because Finn’s mum is hanging round like a bad smell at his house.’  
“You two were s’posed to be at work…” Rae mumbled and Linda narrowed her eyes at her.   
“You were coming back here to have sex?” Linda asked with an unimpressed face.  
“Like you can talk!” Rae retorted but Linda held up her hand.  
“Rae, we’ve already had the sex talk… but even if we hadn’t we’d all still be fully aware that you two are at it like jackrabbits.” She ignored Rae’s furious glare and Finn’s reddening face, “what I don’t understand is why you couldn’t do that at Finn’s place?” She sounded exasperated.   
“Why can’t we do it here?” Rae asked, “You were supposed to be at work!”   
“We took the week off.” Linda said imperiously, “Aiesha has been staying with Alice on and off all week.” She continued, “We needed to enjoy some time alone.” Rae rolled her eyes and looked away muttering to herself. “You were supposed to be staying at Finn’s place this weekend. What happened?” Rae looked over at Finn, not wanting to say what she had been thinking before out loud; she wasn’t entirely sure if he knew her reasoning for wanting to spend more time at her place.   
“My mum has come home.” Finn said softly, “And her and dad spend a lot o’ time shagging and-”  
“Oh good for him. Lord knows he could do with a-” Linda stopped mid-sentence and cleared her throat. “So everybody’s sex life is ruining everybody else’s.” She sucked her teeth in thought, ignoring the looks Rae and Finn gave her. When she noticed them she tutted and rolled her eyes, “Oh don’t look at me like that, you don’t stop having sex once you reach a certain age, you know.” She admonished, “It’s not like when you turn 40 your sodden vagina disappears!” She told Rae.  
“Mum!” Rae shook her head, embarrassed.   
“Teenagers!” Linda was getting on a roll, “You think you own sex and sexiness. Well let me tell you a thing or two.”  
“I’d prefer it if you didn’t!”  
“My beasty, ravages me like a-”  
“MUM!” Rae shot up out of her chair. “I don’t need to hear the details any more than you do!” Rae practically pleaded.  
“We won the drama competition.” Finn suddenly said in a desperate attempt to change the topic. This resulted in congratulatory coos and hugs, and Rae telling the story of how it happened, and showing off both of her trophies.  
“My girl.” Linda said happily, “Winning both of ‘em!” She sighed happily, “How about I buy you some new clothes from that store you work in Rae?” Linda asked with a grin, “As a reward?” Rae agreed eagerly to getting some new clothes from Curvy Girl on a Budget.  
“You know I get an employee discount?” Rae added.  
“Well just means I can get you more.” Linda was feeling particularly benevolent; Rae’s marks were great, things were peaceful, she was getting enough sex and sleep again and Karim’s English was good enough for him to be looking for better paid work now. “Stay for dinner, then piss off, right?” She asked and they agreed happily now that they had put that embarrassing moment behind them. Although Rae and Finn both felt like the image of Linda and Karim naked and fucking might stay burned on their retinas forever…

 

‘Waterfall’ by The Stone Roses  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uQMqsWsGtA 

Rae always enjoyed Friday evenings, but this Friday evening was a little sadder than she was accustomed to. Archie kissed Rae’s cheek as he sat down on the lounge, Finn was in the kitchen with Chloe, Chop and Izzy doing drinks and Tom was still with Rhys going over business details; trying to finalise everything before they headed off on their three month journey.   
“Hello Archibald Von Crumpet.” Rae grinned at him and he raised his eyebrows.  
“I’ll take that.” Archie laughed, but then quickly looked at the kitchen door to make sure they were alone. “Rae, can I ask you something?”   
“Of course.” She noticed the serious tone he had and leaned forward, her hand reaching out for his.   
“I don’t want you to make a big deal o’ this.” He warned and she nodded. “Alright, when Tom and I was out last night, about a dozen guys hit on him… and not one hit on me.” Rae blinked slowly as she took that in.  
“Well maybe you just didn’t notice ‘em doing it…” She tried to soothe but he shook his head.  
“We were at Aztequita… this is not at a club were guys are known to be subtle.”  
“Right…” Rae furrowed her brows.  
“It’s just…” Archie lowered his eyes, “You know how you always thought Finn was the attractive one in the relationship and you were the unattractive one?” Archie asked slowly, “which is bollocks by the way!” He added emphatically, “Well I sometimes feel like I’m the unattractive one when I stand next to Tom.” He gave a sad smile and looked down.  
“I don’t feel that way anymore.” Rae answered and Archie looked up at her happily surprised, “I could tell you that you’re beautiful to Tom… or that he loves you… but to be honest Archie, you don’t need him to validate how perfect y’are.” Archie gave her a more genuine smile. “I promise you, you just have to be kind to yourself Archer. Just tell yourself the things you’d tell me if I were saying that shit. Or Chlo…” She watched Archie nod his head, “Cos no one gets to define or decide how gorgeous y’are except for you.”  
“I know.” Archie said softly, “And I don’t think I’m ugly… it’s just… well you’ve seen Tom.” He smiled wanly.   
“Yeah I’ve seen Tom. And I’ve seen you.” Rae answered, “You’re well suited to each other.”   
“I can’t believe he says no to all these fit lads and looks at me the way he does sometimes.” Archie sighed happily.   
“From what I hear, most of the people who know him can’t believe he’s settled down.” Rae teased a little and Archie grinned.  
“Well I am a pretty amazing guy… so of course he did.”  
“That’s more like it.” Rae told him.   
“It’s not a constant thing Rae.” Archie told her, “Just sometimes when we have a night like last night… I wonder if I do stack up. It’s only sometimes…”  
“Well it should be never.” Rae said adamantly, “You’re Archibald Von Crumpet, who could resist your dashing good looks and sterling charms?” Rae grinned, “You know I didn’t.”  
“That’s true.” Archie said with a happy grin and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “D’you know, if I weren’t gay, we’d probably still be dating.”   
“Probably.” Rae agreed.  
“And driving Finn nuts!” Archie laughed and Rae leaned her head on his shoulder comfortably.  
“D’you think so?” She grinned.  
“Yeah, you’d’ve gotten yourself another Phil.” He joked and Rae shook her head trying to hide her lack of humour at that thought. Not only out of sympathy for her Phillip, but out of horror for the thought of her Finn ever going through that. It upset her to think about what he had gone through the first time they had broken up. She reconsidered her previous thought that her and Archie might have lasted in a relationship.   
“I was always gonna fall in love with Finn.” Rae scrunched up her nose and looked up at him, “Sorry, I’d’ve dumped you for him!”   
“Oh that’s not nice!” Archie chuckled and ruffle her hair in mock outrage.   
“Maybe if you never introduced me to your grumpy best mate you’d o’ been able to hold on to me… but if there’s Finn, I’m gonna love him.”  
“Well if I ever have to relive my life as a straight man, I know my strategy then!”   
“Take notes Archie!” Rae chuckled with him as he tapped his head to indicate he had it all in his brain.   
Chloe came in with bowls and plates of snacks, followed by Chop and Finn, in deep discussion about the mechanical work needed on the car Chop was building, carrying the drinks, and Izzy trailed in looking worse for wear; she’d caught the flu at the drama camp. Her doctor had given her some drugs to take to fend off the worst of it, but it didn’t change how exhausted she felt. She curled up on the lounge next to Archie and laid her head on the armrest as everyone’s attention turned to Chop and Finn’s conversation.   
“Alright, well I’ll come over and help.” Finn was saying when he realised that all eyes were on them. “So what have we got planned for tonight?” He asked awkwardly.  
“Well nothing illegal.” Archie rolled his eyes when Chop gave an annoyed groan.  
“I got all these fucking drugs, and we’re not using ‘em!”   
“We got plenty o’ time!” Chloe countered and looked at Archie for explanation.  
“It’s illegal to even have drugs in your blood stream in some of the places we’re going.”   
“Nothing illegal for you then lad!” Rae agreed firmly. “Which means nothing illegal for the rest of us. It’s their party!” She gave Chop a firm glare.   
“When’s Tom getting here?” Izzy asked quietly, sniffing hard and trying to get her energy back for the night’s revelries.   
“Soon I hope.” Archie turned to Chloe, “We won’t be here for your birthday on Wednesday.” He pouted and Chloe shrugged sympathetically.  
“It’s alright, we’ll take loads of photos for each other.” She grinned. “You’re missing a few birthdays.” Chloe grimaced.  
“Tom’s turning 26 while we’re away. We’ll have just gotten into Luxor and we’re gonna stay in 5 star resort type thing.” He shrugged.  
“Rhys’s birthday is two days before Tom’s.” Chloe added.  
“And mine.” Rae pouted, “Don’t forget mine.  
“How could I forget my girl’s birthday?” Archie tightened his arm around her shoulders and Finn came and sat on the other side of Rae, putting his feet up on the coffee table.   
The conversation and alcohol flowed easily, pizza was ordered, to be delivered an hour from now, and Tom and Rhys had arrived right at the time they’d said they would, Tom was in fine form; as cheeky as ever. But Rhys looked a little tired; he’d been working the books tirelessly and seeing a lot of extra clients lately. Chloe fussed subtly over him and, as always, she was greeted by a grateful smile and some kind, private words of love. The conversation covered multiple topics, eventually alighting upon one of Chop’s more favoured topics: sex.   
“When you think about,” Chop was reasoning, “threesomes make mathematical sense.”   
“Oi.” Izzy said gently, not really meaning to reprimand him, but just reminding him that the lad talk could wait for when the lads were alone; so that the girls could have their chats, which she so enjoyed. Even though tonight she suspected that the gang would stay together; Archie and Tom were going soon, and everyone wanted as much time with them as possible.   
“What?” He asked confused and she pulled a face, “It’s nothing personal baby girl, you’re the only one for me,” He said reassuringly and Izzy gave him an unimpressed look. If they were all honest, they knew that she was more likely to agree to a threesome than he was, and he was implying that she was offended. “It’s just maths… you know, one set o’ boobs,” his hands motioned as if fondling a nice set of breasts, “two set o’ boobs; twice the fun.”  
“Oh yeah, I get it!” Izzy said with a huge grin as if the world’s hardest maths problem had just been explained to her, “One set o’ testicles… two set o; testicles… Twice the fun!” Rae burst out laughing when she saw Chop’s face scrunch up in horror. Chloe nearly choked on her drink and Rhys had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.   
“Why the fuck would you say that?”   
“Oh you know, just thinking about threesomes with you Chop.” Izzy grinned her wide-eyed innocent grin and Chop frowned.   
“Not that kind o’ threesome.” Chop turned to Finn for support but Finn shrugged.  
“I’m a monogamy lad through and through, Chop, I’m not really interested in a threesome.” He answered with a happy grin.   
“Yeah…” Chop latched on to Finn’s words and looked at Izzy, “Me too; total monogamy lad.” Izzy shook her head and chuckled.   
“But if it were to happen,” Finn continued and looked at Rae, “Either way’s alright, yeah?” Rae shrugged and nodded.   
“Oi Chop,” Izzy teased, “You can have your threesome with two girls, if I can have one with two boys…” Most of the gang had to supress laughter at the look on Chop’s face as he tried to pretend to consider this objectively.   
“No… I want you all to myself.” He answered firmly, “No threesomes.” Izzy narrowed her eyes at him. “I think we’re all wired that what aren’t we?” He said hurriedly to try and counter Izzy’s glare.  
“Speak for yourself Mr double standard.” Chloe retorted, “We’ve got an open relationship.”  
“Yeah and Tom and I have agreed to have a threesome eventually.” Archie added.  
“Or foursome.” Tom added with a cheeky grin.  
“Or both.” Archie added.   
“You saying that half of our little gang are gonna end up having a threesome at one point?” Chop asked, astounded by this fact.  
“And possibly us in the distant future.” Rae said in a voice that indicated that it was unlikely, but they weren’t closing any doors.   
“You fucking serious?” Chop asked and Rae shrugged, turning her face to Finn.  
“Anything’s possible.” He answered, “But like Rae said, it’s not really on our radar right now.”   
“Might never be.” Rae shrugged and grinned a Chop’s confused face.  
“How can you be so fucking blasé about it?” He shook his head.  
“Rae and I know our relationship is sound and that we’ll deal with anything that arises.” Finn shrugged, “Including that.”  
“If it does.” Rae agreed. Chop looked confused, but Chloe understood that her best friend had found a relationship that would support and nourish her through everything and found that this knowledge brought her a great deal of happiness. She needed for Rae to be happy; it was important to her because Rae was the most beautiful person she knew. “Anyway,” Rae changed the topic, “You two must be getting excited for going?”  
“It’s getting so close!” Izzy agreed.  
“Monday.” Archie grinned with an odd mixture of excitement and apprehension.  
“Oh god!” Chloe moaned, “You’ll be gone forever!”   
“We’ll be back on the 29th Chlo!” Archie laughed.  
“Better get your booze in now lads, I hear Egypt is a dry country…” Rae held up a bottle of alcohol.  
“That’s the fucking spirit girl!” Tom laughed and took the bottle.  
“Oi not yet!” Archie took the bottle from him and Tom looked chastised momentarily before winking in Rae’s direction, setting her to giggling merrily. Archie reached into his satchel bag and pulled out several stapled together booklets and handed one to everyone. Rae watched the way Tom looked at Archie with such love as he watched his boyfriend hand out these meticulous documents. Rae enjoyed the looks Tom gave Archie. She imagined Finn gave her similar looks when she was off on one of her tangents. She took her booklet and looked down at it.   
“The super exciting adventures of Archie and Tom.” She chuckled and Archie grimaced.  
“Yes well, I let Tom name it.” He said and Rae saw Tom’s cheeky grin before he managed to put on a look of utter seriousness. Archie had produced a huge document for each of them, with a cover sheet and name, detailing all of their travel details, flights, itinerary, insurance details, photos of their front passport pages… Everything.   
“Wow.” Izzy flipped through it with an awed look on her face.   
“So,” Archie began, “as you can see we fly out at 2pm London time on Monday, arriving in Cairo at 10pm Cairo time, which is only 7pm here.” Archie looked up at them all over his glasses to ensure they were all following along, “we have nothing planned for the night, other than getting into our hotel room.” He had listed the name of the hotel, the contact details and the address. Finn looked over at Rae, who gave him a small grin before looking back down at the booklet.   
“So if we all get there at noon we can see you off?” Chloe asked and Archie looked up with a grin.  
“Yeah.” Archie said, his eyes not leaving the schedule.  
“We’d love that.” Tom grinned. They had organised a party at their place for all of their close joint friends, for when they returned, but this was the only farewell they were getting, although, they did expect some people to show up at the airport and Tom kept joking that he was looking forward to a big gay farewell with tears as they boarded their flight.   
“We’ll be in Cairo from the 29th of September until the 7th of October. You can see the sights we’ll be going to, the rough dates we’ll be there, and their locations, contact details, all sorts of goodies.” Archie had a lot of ground to cover, and only a limited amount of time to do it before the number of interruptions became unworkable.   
“Memphis?” Chop sounded confused, “Isn’t that American?”  
“Memphis was an ancient capital of Lower Egypt…” Archie sighed internally, now was not the time for a history lesson, “anyway,” He strove on, “we’ll be attempting to stick to this schedule, but things might get out of order, but either way, you know roughly where we’ll be at any time. After Cairo,” everyone turned the page diligently and Archie continued, “We head to Alexandria.” Chloe, Rae and Izzy made an excited noise for him; a city named after Alexander the Great was a big deal for Archie. “We’ll be there from the 7th to the 14th and-”  
“Catacombs…” Finn was reading through the activities and his eyes fell upon that word with excitement and envy.   
“Yes.” Archie answered perfunctorily before ploughing on, “then we’re travelling along the Mediterranean coast until we get to Marsa Mutra on the 17th.” Everyone turned their pages  
“You’re going to Rommel’s hideout?” Chop asked surprised, “he’s a bit modern for your history isn’t he?” Chop teased and Archie rolled his eyes.   
“I like all history.” Archie replied brusquely, “Then we have a few days in Marsa Mutra before we do a camel trek through the Qattara Depression to get to Siwa Oasis.”  
“A camel trek?” Chloe asked and looked at a bemused Tom.  
“Yeah, I think I’ll definitely be going through depression when we’re doing the camel part.” Tom sighed melodramatically, “The things I do for-”  
“It’s a spectacular part of the Saharan Desert.” Archie countered in a professional voice that indicated he’d had this discussion with Tom before, and was not going to change his mind. Tom’s face broke out into a happy grin as Archie doggedly continued, and everyone was catching on as to how annoyed he was getting from the interruptions.”   
“We will be in Siwa Oasis from the 22nd to the 28th.” Archie continued.  
“Only 6 days in Siwa?” Rae asked with a barely concealed grin, “But didn’t the oracle of Amun in Siwa Oasis confirm Alexander as a god and-”  
“Yes, and then we’ll be-”  
“I would have thought such an important town would merit more time…” Rae continued as if Archie hadn’t talked. He actually sighed audibly, pushed his glasses up his nose, took a deep breath and continued.  
“That’s all we’ll need there.” He answered, “Then we’ll be taking a 4wd through the desert to get to Aswan via Dakha Oasis, and a few days on a Felucca on the Nile.”  
“What’s a Felucca Arch?” Izzy asked.  
“A small Egyptian sailing boat.” Archie tried to press on, “Then-”  
“Do they even have toilets?” Chloe asked in mock horror.  
“No.” Archie answered with another sigh.  
“Camels don’t have toilets either.” Tom answered with the air of a man who had tried to get five star luxury the whole way and accepted how dismally he’d failed with good humour. “Or room service… or air conditioning…”   
“Oh god!” Chloe laughed, “You’re fucked Tom!”  
“How are you gonna make yourself look pretty every day?” Rae agreed. Tom shook his head slowly as if to say there was no hope of that.  
“I just hope Archie will love me without all my usual bells and whistles.”   
“As if you’d be any less beautiful even in the desert with no toilets.” Finn threw it out there and tried not to laugh at the exasperated look on Archie’s face.   
“That’s my only consolation Finn.” Tom said solemnly, a cheeky glint in his eye. “I even gave up on my week on a beach at the end of it all because there were too many places Archie wanted to go to.”  
“You offered too!” Archie said, horrified that he might have really upset Tom.  
“Yes… yes I did…” Tom answered melodramatically, as if her were a martyr. Archie rolled his eyes and sighed at him. Shaking his head he looked back down at his itinerary.   
“We get into Aswan on the 4th of November, starting with a day trip out to Abu Simbel.” Archie continued, “And then we get to Luxor on the 9th.”  
“Where we will be staying in a 5 star resort because it’ll be my birthday in Luxor!” Tom said cheerily. “We’re there until the 20th of November.”   
“Oh, the Valley of the Kings!” Izzy drawled in awe.  
“Karnak!” Chloe grinned.  
“The temple of Hatshepsut.” Rae sighed enviously. “I’ve seen pictures… it’s so fucking impressive!” Rae sighed. “I’m so jealous Archer.  
“Jesus, how many fucking temples and stuff does Luxor have?” Chop asked as he turned the page to see the list of sights and activities still continuing.  
“A lot.” Archie replied. “After Luxor, we’re catching the night train back to Cairo and-”  
“You know lover, I’m parched.” Tom stroked Archie’s thigh and held up the bottle.  
“I’d be going faster if everyone stopped interrupting!” Archie snapped grumpily and Tom had to bite his bottom lip to stop himself from grinning. “I wanted to go over every sight we’d be going to too, but I knew you lot wouldn’t be able to pay attention for long enough!” Archie narrowed his eyes at the gang.  
“Oh steady on!” Finn laughed, the job had been done, Archie’s grumpy face, a face so rarely seen, was on full display.

 

It took Archie another half an hour to finish telling everyone their full schedule until the day they landed back in London on the 29th of December.   
“And you guys have to be there to take us somewhere for new year’s.” Archie said, “Because we will have no idea what you’ve chosen.”   
“Have you guys got anything in mind?” Izzy asked.  
“Probably just London again guys?” Chop asked and they all nodded.   
“Well Rhys had an idea, didn’t you?” Tom asked with a small smile, and everyone realised that Tom had Rhys had been scheming.   
“Might have.” Rhys grinned, “But I’m not gonna tell… until we’re all in London to pick up Tom and Archie…”  
“So none of you need to plan a thing.” Tom grinned.  
“And then in the New Year, you and I will have a lot to do for the business.” Rhys said with a foreboding tone to Tom who furrowed his brows and took a deep breath, letting his shoulders drop dramatically.   
“Ugh, it’ll be something difficult and terrifying to come back to!” Tom joked and Rhys cocked his eyebrows at him. “Yeah I know, you don’t’ get a break away from it, sorry…” He grimaced and Rhys waved him off.   
“I’ll be heading to Nigeria in the new year.” He replied, “You’ll be on your own then!”   
“You going with Chlo?” Chop asked and Chloe looked at Rhys with a questioning expression.  
“D’you wanna come?” Rhys asked her quietly and she nodded, “We’ll do it in the school holidays then.”   
“Or after we graduate.” Izzy added and that stopped the four of them still in school in their tracks.  
“Fuck.” Rae marvelled, “We graduate next year.”  
“Aye.” Finn agreed, realising that he really did need to talk to her about all the fantasies and plans he had in his head for their future after university.   
“Then what?” Chop asked them.  
“University.” Rae answered and Finn nodded slowly.   
“Definitely babe!” Chloe agreed, having finally started get very solid career aspirations.  
“Milan.” Izzy turned her eyes to Chop and his brows furrowed.   
“That’s a far distance away baby girl.” He mumbled unhappily. “What about the business?” He thought about his lovely little mechanic shop and how well it was going.   
“We’ll sort something out Chop.” Izzy grinned, but Rae thought about what Izzy had said to her earlier this week.   
“Anyway, tonight is not about us graduating!” Chloe changed the topic, “It’s about two of us going off to have an adventure!” She raised her glass and everyone else followed her lead.  
“To Archie and Tom,” Rae toasted, “May they have a brilliant time and return to us with tall tales and envy inducing photos!” They all clinked their glasses and drank to that. 

 

‘My Own Summer (Shove It) by Deftones  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOzs1FehYOA

Rhys pulled up in one of the hire cars Chop’s mechanic provided for customers and Finn grinned at how out of place Rhys looked in the boring white Nissan, in comparison to his beautiful classic Buick. But Chop was working on ironing out all the damage Ian had done to it now.   
“Thanks for taking me out to Gus.” Finn said as he got in and tossed his bag on the back seat. Rhys nodded and Finn looked over, almost sensing that Rhys was in a bad mood. He waited until Rhys had pulled out and they were on the way to Gus, a little over an hour away, before he asked Rhys what was wrong.  
“What’s up your arse?” Finn watched him change gears and grunt, then sigh sadly in response.  
“The police have said they cannot pursue charges against Ian.” Rhys said, “They called this morning, to tell her that he claims he was at the pub with his friends; they’re all backing his statement, even the pub manager.”  
“Get fucked. That’s not the Swan?” Rhys shook his head.  
“The pub’s not in Stamford.” Rhys reassured him.  
“How does he get a fucking pub full of people to back him up?” Finn shook his head.  
“The pub manager is Ben.” Rhys said evenly.  
“One of the guys that fucking raped her?” Finn felt his mouth tighten into an angry line.   
“Yes.” Rhys answered.  
“So that’s how he gets a pub full of guys to back him; they’re the guys that did this to her.”   
“Yes.”   
“And her bruises and the damage to your car?”  
“The police say that they know something happened, they said that they even believe it was Ian… it’s just that they can’t pursue charges against him when he’s got so many alibies, some of them very credible.”  
“Like Ben.” Finn said moodily.  
“Like Ben.” Rhys said with an icy tone. “They said they can’t make these charges stick, because there’s little to no evidence against him, and he has alibies.”   
“Fuck that guy.” Finn shook his head angrily. “Fuck the fucking police!”   
“That’s a gospel I’ve been singing for a while Finn.” Rhys sighed.  
“They fucking know he did it and they know he’ll come back for her and they’re doing shit to protect her or stop him!”   
“They claim their hands are tied.” Finn rolled his eyes.   
“There is no way a guy like Ian don’t have previous complaints against him. They should be looking into that to establish a pattern or something.” Finn complained.  
“You will have no arguments from me Finn.” Rhys agreed, “In my experience the police are very mediocre at their their jobs, and often morph into the very beings they are meant to be protecting the people from. I am very distrustful of the police.” Rhys finished softly.   
“How’s Chloe taking it?” Rhys shook his head slowly in reply.  
“She hasn’t let herself emotionally respond yet.” Rhys thought about how her face had become like stone this morning while she was on the phone to them, how she had lost that sense of safety that the police could and would help her in all circumstances. Because he was a black man, Rhys was often criminalised by the police and had been since his childhood, so he had lost that hope a long time ago. He had not enjoyed seeing her lose it. There were people in the world that wanted others to suffer as they had, so that they could see the world as it was. Rhys was not of the opinion that a person had to suffer to see the world as it was. The indignities and losses he had suffered seemed like very little in comparison to some others he knew, and he still understood this world. In his mind, Chloe had suffered through enough already; to know that the police rarely, if ever, protected rape and abuse survivors was terrible. Rhys had wished for better things for her. He had not wished for her to see the police as he did. She had lived an insulated life, and this had protected her from seeing just how corrupt the system was. Dating him, and learning about racism, along with other topics like sexism and homophobia, had certainly stripped away some of that insulation; for the better. But losing your sense of protection when you were already vulnerable; it was brutal. Rhys had wished for much better things for her.   
“It’ll come.” Finn said sadly and Rhys nodded.  
“She’s staying at my flat this weekend.” Rhys said, “I think she feels safer.”  
“Not surprising.” Finn shook his head again. “It’s fucked up that she’s basically being driven from her own home, cos Ian knows where she lives, he’s attacked her there, and those fuckers are doing nothing about it.”  
“That’s not even the worst of it.” Rhys said slowly and Finn turned to look at him, “One of the cops, male of course, said that Ian had a lot of bruises, and suggested that she was lucky he was choosing to use these probably fake alibies, because if he were to say he was there and hit her that day, he could charge her for assault and battery too. And because his bruising was worse than hers…” Rhys took his eyes off the road and gave Finn a look that indicated how unimpressed he was with the implied outcome.  
“Fuck that.” Finn answered bitterly. “So you’re not even allowed to defend yourself now?”  
“Apparently, we like our rape survivors weak, traumatised and ready for more.” Finn made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat, not even sure what to say to that, but knowing on some level it was actually true. “No one ever believes that a woman who can defend herself has been victimised.” Rhys shook his head, “Our society sees our victims as people who cannot fight back, and hates them for that weakness.”  
“Blame the victim.” Finn understood.  
“And then when the victim learn to defend themselves in any way at all, from fighting to not going out at night, we imply they are violent and that the perpetrators are the victims now, or that the problem is solved by their actions and that the perpetrators are less liable for their actions… and the true crime continues to go unchecked.”  
“Still blaming the victim, but pretending they’re not a victim anymore.” Finn sighed, “It’s fucking messed up.”  
“It’s like if we blame the victim we can convince ourselves that men like this don’t exist out there.” Rhys shook his head, “And that’s an easier thought than having to examine ourselves as men. Because we rape woman at an incredibly high rate, and then we convince everyone that rape is something violent that only happens between strangers in a dark alleyway and we’d never do that… when the truth is the vast majority of women will be raped by someone they know and an alarming number of men are ok with the act of rape, if it’s described to them without using the actual word rape.”  
“Chloe was raped by her own boyfriend.” Finn answered sadly, “and a bunch of his friends. He didn’t beat her to get what he wanted, he used implied violence and her own bad self-esteem against her to take it from her. And then ignored her every time she told them no. they knew she wouldn’t’ fight back, cos o’ the implied violence.” Finn shook his head as he looked at the anatomy of a rape. “So many girls go through this. And no one will help them cos it were their boyfriend and they didn’t get a bruised up face, so it can’t have been real.” Finn was horrified by this ugly truth of the world. Hearing the tone of anger in Finn’s voice made Rhys decided to add to add to it; to really drive home the point as to why he was a feminist ally and why he was so adamant about never owning Chloe and breaking down the way of thinking that surrounds relationships.  
“In America alone, over 12,000 women die every year at the hands of their intimate partners.”  
“That’s like their husbands?” Finn asked, astounded by that figure.  
“And boyfriends, de facto spouse.” Rhys added, “in the last major war America was in, which was the Gulf war, they only lost 383 soldiers. And that was in 1990 and 1991. That’s 383 total American deaths for that whole war.”  
“Oh my god. 24, 000 women were killed by a man that they were supposed to be able to trustduring that same period of time…”  
“And that’s 148 killed in combat, while the others died by accident or of disease.” Rhys clarified to put the figures into true perspective.  
“It’s a fucking war on women.” Finn mumbled to himself.   
“Perpetrated by the men they love.” Rhys answered.  
“I understand why you got so pissy at me at the Summer Ball.” Finn said sadly, “I’m ashamed you ever had to think of me in those terms.”  
“We have to think of every man in those terms Finn. Always, even you and me still.” Rhys continued, “We’ve been raised on a diet of thinking women are our property, so much so that common male behaviours that are actually about dominance and ownership are seen as loving and caring… every day we have to counter that in our own minds Finn.” Rhys looked at Finn, “Never grow complacent or think you’ve already learned that lesson; there’s always more to learn.”   
“I can’t believe that more women die from their partners than men die in fucking war!” Finn shook his head.  
“These are only American figures. But it tends to hold true across the western world. In some particularly bad years it is reversed, but that hasn’t happened in a while.” Rhys shrugged, “But the number of both figures is still too high. And the violence in both cases is still perpetrated by men.”   
“It’s fucked up.”  
“Intimate partner violence is the leading cause of death and injury in women. Not cancer or heart disease or war or car accidents…” Rhys shook his head sadly, “We men need to step up and stop this shit at the root.” Finn nodded in reply, wondering what he could do to help. They drove in silence for a while as Finn mulled over everything they had spoken about, and he applied it the ways the women in his life had been treated, the things the men in his life had done. His own jealousy seemed pale in comparison to someone like Ian’s possessiveness, but Finn understood that accepting and excusing behaviour like his own past behaviour helped normalise more possessive behaviours like Ian’s; it helped pave the way for it. He needed to dismantle the shit he’d been raised with in his own head and try to pass it on to other men as well. He’d been doing that, without even realising what he was doing over the past few months. He grinned; happy he was on the right path, because for a while there he was heading in the wrong direction and he hadn’t liked himself very much when he was on that path, but he had hated what it did to Rae even more. He was much happier on this path, much calmer and more secure. He felt like a better man; like a better human being. And Rae seemed to be happier too.   
“I’m not very good at subtle changes of topic.” Rhys said with a slight grin and Finn cocked an eyebrow at him.  
“I know why you wanted to drive me to Gus’s.” Finn answered.  
“So talk.”   
“Well…” Finn was silent for a while. “I’m actually really glad to have mum back…”  
“But?”   
“But…” Finn tried to find the right words that didn’t make the whole thing seem worse than it actually was, “I can tell she doesn’t know where she fits in, and sometimes she tries to overcompensate for that and for the 8 years she were gone… and Rae don’t like her all that much, even though she tries to hide it… and her and da… they fight, and fuck… non-stop.” Finn sighed, “And I just wanna know why she been gone so long. And I want her to hurry up and find where she fits in… cos this weird fucking place we’re at now is… I got comfortable the way things were afore I think.”   
“It’s a big change.” Rhys sympathised.  
“Yeah!” Finn agreed, “I were fucking 10 when she went. I’m 18 now… sometimes I think she still sees me as 10.”  
“Why do you think that?”  
“I dunno. She tries to set curfews and rules and shit… and she always on about how serious Rae and I are…”  
“Is there anything you might be doing that triggers that response in her?” Rhys pondered and Finn scrunched up his face.  
“I mean… I guess I’m resistant to some of her worries and concerns, especially about Rae…” He furrowed his brow.  
“And that’s it?” Finn looked over at Rhys and narrowed his eyes.  
“What are you getting at, you fucker?” He sucked his front teeth, awaiting Rhys’s carefully thought out reply.   
“You’ve been angry at her since you were 10 years old.” Rhys said softly and Finn considered his.  
“I’m not angry at her anymore…” Finn said with furrowed brows, “I kinda just want her to love me…”  
“What was the source of your anger back then?” Rhys asked trying not to sound too pointed.  
“That she abandoned me… she where gone and I wanted her there. I missed her… I wondered what I’d done wrong to make her go…” Finn suddenly realised, “I wanted her to love me…” His tongue went to his back teeth, “Right.” He said softly. “I am still angry at her.”  
“It just doesn’t show in the same way it used to. This anger has become a deep seated part of you, you barely feel it as anger anymore.” Finn made a small noise in the back of his throat, “So you are still angry like the 10 year old you were the day I first met you.”  
“And she feels that.” Finn answered slowly, “She responds to it… as only a mother can.” Rhys made a soft warning noise and Finn reconsidered this, “as only a parent can.” He corrected his gendered language and shook his head, “Fuck that sexist shit is deeply ingrained.”  
“You have no idea yet.” Rhys answered and then changed the topic back to his mother, “So what are you gonna do about how angry you are with her?”  
“I guess I’m gonna have to tackle it head on…” Finn answered and then considered how upset it would make his mother, “somehow…” He already could see that her anxiety levels were high and he didn’t want to make it worse, “I really don’t know.”  
“You’re assuming that your way of dealing with your anger is going to include her… perhaps some, if not all of the work can be done within yourself?”   
“I need to know why she stayed away for so long.” Finn replied, “But I suppose I need to get my anger at her under control before I can talk to her about it, really…”   
“Perhaps.” Rhys answered.  
“That’ll probably help with our whole relationship too… and I don’t even know what to do with how much Rae seems to dislike mum.”  
“That’s not really your problem though.” Rhys said, “Rae will have her reasons, and while she will need your support, it’s up to her to work through them.”   
“I just think I should totally take Rae’s side and demand my mother stop whatever is upsetting her or get out of me life…” Finn answered sadly.  
“Very drastic action for a problem you’re not even sure exists.” Rhys answered.  
“Rae’s me life.” Finn shrugged and Rhys furrowed his brows.  
“Rae is your partner. Not your life. Don’t forget that you are your own person too.”  
“I don’t!” Finn laughed, “It’s fine… I know it sounds dramatic… but what I mean is that I’ll always choose Rae over any other person.” Rhys nodded slowly, “I just want Rae, and mum, to know that.”  
“Understandable.” Rhys answered, “But you run the risk of making the problem bigger than it is if you put that kind of ultimatum into the mix. Give them time to work it out themselves.”   
“You think?”  
“Rae is incredibly intelligent and determined, she is more than capable of sorting through her own emotions and problems and addressing them; give her the chance to do so.”  
“So I’ll just let her know she’s got me support, whatever she needs.” Finn nodded, “And be willing to back it up with for real whenever she asks.”  
“Yes.” Rhys answered patiently, “But this isn’t really about Rae, it’s about you…”  
“Aye I know!” Finn moaned. “I honestly don’t know what to do with me mum…” Finn took a deep breath. “I truly love having her around… but you’re right Rhys, I’m fucking furious at her… where the fuck has she been?” 

 

‘Yes it’s Fucking Political’ by Skunk Anansie  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcaUer4fuU8 

Chloe had been nervous to meet Rhys’s friends for months, and now she was also pissed off because of the news about Ian she’d gotten this morning. She had spent the day in Rhys’s apartment, doing her homework and reading his books, trying to get ready to meet the people Rhys used to spend all his socialising time with before their relationship had started. When she wasn’t doing that she had been pissed off and hitting his boxing bag as hard as she could. He’d bought her boxing gloves, she had noticed them when she went into the third bedroom. He hadn’t said a word, he’d just left them beside his gloves.   
The gang had all come with her and Rhys to Nikki’s poetry reading. It had been a hard hitting piece, and she saw by the look on Rae’s face that she understood a lot of the political undertones, even Finn seemed to be getting some of it. But Chop looked bewildered and Izzy looked slightly scared of how angry the poem was. Both Archie and tom nodded slowly as they listened, Tom’s normally cheeky grin replace by a thoughtful expression, his hand on Archie’s thigh and Archie leaned forward, his eyes glued to the stage. There were several poets performing that night, and it had been an eye opening experience for all of them.   
They managed to find a huge table at the café/bookstore for all of them and Rhys sat down next to Chloe, and watched as his usual friends eyed his new friends with a mixture of expression from bemused to indifferent. They all already knew Tom, and a catch up of sorts was already beginning between Tom and Nikki; they had been close when Rhys and Tom were dating, and Nikki had missed him when he’d stopped hanging around them so much.   
“Wow the melanin levels of our circle just drastically dropped.” Deepak mumbled and elicited a few chuckles, Rhys himself having to grin slightly at the way this was panning out. He slowly introduced everyone to everyone, beginning with Deepak since he’d spoken first.   
“This is Deepak,” Rhys pointed to man thin man with dark skin and he nodded in hello, “And Jae, you’ve met him before… sort of.” Rhys pointed to a tall Korean man who gave a small smile, “Aiyana,” who was a curvaceous woman of mixed African / Indian heritage, she smiled warmly at them and even held out her hand to Chloe.  
“I’ve been so excited to meet you!” She grinned at Chloe and Chloe felt her nerves lessen. “Rhys hardly ever gets long term partners.” She sat down next to Chloe, and Rae and Finn settled in next to Aiyana. Rhys had known it would be Aiyana to first break the ice; she was like that, warm and welcoming to everyone. But not someone to cross, ever.   
“This is Talat.” He pointed to a man that had sat next to Deepak and Archie, Deepak elbowed him and it was obvious they shared a semi-friendly, semi-serious rivalry. After they shared a few words, Deepak’s eyes turned to Nikki, Rae saw him sigh gently and look down. She tried to hide her grin as she realised that Deepak had a thing for Nikki. Nikki was a gorgeous, full figured woman, with honey blond hair from Puerto Rica; she’d mentioned that in her poem and Rae was glad to see that Nikki was a tall as she was. Next Rhys nodded towards two women holding hands.  
“This is Zhu and Sana.” Zhu also smile warmly at everyone. Rae noticed Talat furrowing his eyes at Sana.  
“You shouldn’t do that so openly.” He chided Sana, referring to her open display of affection for her girlfriend.  
“Why not?” She snapped.  
“What if our parents see you Sana?” Talat asked with real worry.  
“They won’t see us in here brother!” She soothed him and sat down beside Zhu, putting her arm around her waist. “Our parents are quite traditional.” Sana explained to the gang with a tight smile; she obviously would have preferred to have not had to explain that.   
“And of course Nikki!” Rhys said with a grin and Nikki looked up at him with a huge smile.  
“My beautiful man!” She said, her accent strong and proud, “I’m pissed off at you for missing last week’s recital!” She gave him an angry glare.  
“I am sorry.” Rhys said earnestly and she shrugged.  
“Don’t do it again, and I may forgive you because you are beautiful. And for no other reason. You bastard.” Chop, who had felt well and truly out of his depth, suddenly loved Nikki, anyone who talked to Rhys like that, was someone worth knowing, and he sat down next to her, listening to the continued conversation with Tom. Rhys went around and introduced the gang, finishing with Chloe, Aiyana, had been talking and holding her hand for the whole time, and had missed all the introductions. Rhys did them again and Aiyana looked at everyone’s face closely, clearly trying to remember everyone’s name.  
“They all have such honest faces.” She said wistfully after the introductions were done.  
“What do we all want?” Rhys said, “Food and drinks on me!”   
Finn watched the group chatting and eating, exhausted from his mental and emotional workout from Rhys, and his brutally physical workout with Gus. As he looked at everyone, he realised he’d seen Zhu before.  
“Haven’t I seen you at Petra’s martial arts classes?” He asked her suddenly and she gave him a blank look.  
“Why do you ask?” Finn saw Sana grin and shake her head and wondered what was going on that he was missing.  
“You look like someone I’ve seen there…” He answered honestly.  
“What, cos all Asians know martial arts?” She asked, “Do we all just look alike to you?” Zhu accused, “I bet you think Jae and I look exactly alike even though I’m Chinese and he’s Korean!” Finn shook his head.  
“No…” He answered bewildered as to how this had happened, “That’s not-”  
“Ah, I’m just messing with you white boy.” Zhu grinned, “It’ll never not be fun messing with white people.” She chuckled and Finn saw that small grin from Sana again and realised that she’d known what Zhu was about to do.  
“Have I seen you there or not?” Finn rose to the teasing and Zhu chuckled, deciding she liked this guy.  
“Yeah, I’m there most days, I’m training to be an instructor.”  
“Me too!” Finn said, “Not in martial arts…” He corrected and shook his head, “No fucking chance there, I’m nowhere near good enough… I’m in boxing.”   
“I’m hoping to get some work at Rhys and Tom’s gym if they wanna do martial arts training there.” Zhu intimated softly, “But until they know what’s happening and what the demand is, I won’t ask them about it.”  
“Well you’d have me, and most of the white folk on this table, in your class, save us going out to London for Petra.” Finn nodded his head happily and Zhu grinned.  
“So you all do training?”  
“Yeah some pretty bad shit happened to some of us… I got stabbed by this guy that…” Finn paused, realising he needed to go back to the beginning to explain why all of them were doing self-defence training, but part of the story was not his to tell, “Some of this is stuff I can’t talk about…” He explained, “But some people in our group have been treated real bad… like rapists and stalkers and physical assault.”  
“Quite bad than.” Zhu agreed.   
“And you know I’ve known Rhys since I were 10… so… he were kind enough to help us all out.”   
“How long’s that?”   
“Ah eight years…”  
“You’ve known him longer than anyone at this table!” Zhu said surprised.   
“I suppose, but we’ve only gotten real close this past year.” Finn replied, “I mean I did tell him stuff and ask for help from him from the beginning, but it’s only this past year that he’s opened up to me at all… Mostly since Chlo and he got together.”  
“So you introduced them?”  
“I suppose.” Finn shrugged.   
“He owes you much then.” Zhu replied with a knowing smile. The conversations were going well. Deepak and Talat were arguing over Indian / Pakistani relations, Zhu and Finn continued chatting, Rae, Chloe and Aiyana were in deep conversation, Jae and Sana were happily chatting about her recent overseas travel, while Chop, Nikki, Tom and Archie were laughing loudly, and Rhys had been enjoying chatting with Izzy, not something he got to do too often. So far it was going better than Chloe had hoped; she had been afraid it would be obvious that she was an idiot, a privileged little white girl who understood nothing. But the political conversation had not happened yet, and she was safe in Aiyana’s warm conversation. Even though she was terrified that at any moment someone might declare that she wasn’t good enough for Rhys because she didn’t know enough about politics. But so far, everything was going smoothly.   
A polite looking man approached Nikki and she looked up at him, waiting for him to speak.  
“Hi…” He said tentatively, “I really liked your poem.”  
“Uh huh…” Nikki said defensively, ready for the issues he obviously had with it to be voiced.  
“But how could you know what it’s like to be a Muslim?” He asked slightly angrily and Nikki rolled her eyes.  
“Cos I am one you fucking knobhead, now go away!”  
“You’re not a Muslim!” He protested, “You’re not wearing Hijab!”   
“Neither am I numb-nuts.” Sana stood up and glared fiercely at him, “But are you gonna tell me I’m not a fucking Muslim?”  
“No Ma’am!” He said respectively and lowered his eyes.  
“Right.” She retorted angrily, “Cos you expect the Paki to be a Muslim, but not the Latina?”   
“Neither of us wear Hijab, “Nikki continued, “because to do so is a personal choice, and the definition of modesty is open for debate.” She said angrily, “The Quran has no specific order for all women to wear Hijab.”   
“Some choose to and some don’t.” Sana agreed, “And both options are perfectly fine with Islam!”   
“I’m so sorry to cause offence.” He said softly, “You don’t often see Latina Muslims.”  
“I reverted 4 years ago.” Nikki said, “Is that a real enough Muslim for you?” She shook her head, “And there’s plenty of us Latin Muslims in the world, trust me.”   
“Go away.” Izzy suddenly said loudly, “You’re bringing the mood of our group down.” The man looked at her as if he hadn’t expected to be told to go away.   
“You heard her! Piss off!” Sana backed Izzy and Nikki waved good bye to him when he returned his eyes to her. He walked off looking dejected and Nikki turned her eyes to Izzy.  
“You Muslim too?”  
“Church of England.” Izzy shrugged. “I don’t really follow it though.” She frowned.   
“Me either.” Sana said with a guilty grin.   
“I do.” Nikki answered, “I am a feminist, Latina Muslim!”   
“Watch all the boys cry!” Sana laughed.   
“They get so confused.” She grinned.  
“What did you mean by revert?” Chop asked Nikki as they settled back into their conversation.  
“You don’t convert to Islam, you revert to it. Allah made us all Muslims… some of us just lose our way.”   
“Oh right.” He considered this for a moment and shrugged.  
“And how does Allah deal with us atheist homosexuals Nikkster?” Tom asked with a fond grin.  
“You’ll have to ask him when you go to Paradise you beautiful man.” Nikki put a hand on his cheek, “Cos he made you too. Exactly as you are.”  
“Wait but, isn’t Islam not ok with gays?” Chop asked and Nikki shrugged.  
“Isn’t Christianity not ok with it too?”  
“Alright yeah, fair call.” Chop said with a grin.  
“It’s all about interpretation.” Nikki said, “And I happen to read the Quran in the spirit of love and acceptance. I don’t look to interpret things negatively. I think you’ll find most Muslims are like that.”   
“Yeah but every group of people has their wankers.” Deepak added and motioned to Talat.  
“Oi fuck you!” Talat half laughed. Their debate intensified and Chloe watched Deepak and Talat, and listened for a while, trying to understand what had happened during the partitioning of the subcontinent. She looked up at Rhys, chatting with Izzy again.  
“I’ve got so much to learn.” She mumbled to herself.  
“Oh don’t worry too much.” Aiyana had heard her, “I’ll help you get through the first bit, and as long as you’re not an utter dick, I’m sure it’ll be ok… although… a lot of us do like to mess with white folk.”   
“Well given the historical treatment white people have given well…. Everyone… and the contemporary power structures than ensure that white people continue to benefit from the power their ancestors seized long ago, and the fact that the majority of white people aren’t even aware of these power structures or actively deny them… I understand why we could be fun to mess with.” Aiyana gave her a small smile.  
“Not bad, creamy goodness.” She grinned.  
“Creamy goodness?” Chloe asked with a grin.  
“Well I could call you vanilla ice, but-”  
“Oh god no! I’ll take creamy goodness!” Chloe laughed, “I didn’t realise it was a nickname.” She shook her head laughing. 

 

Chloe walked with Rhys back to her car after having said goodbye to everyone. It had been a good night. Most of Rhys’s friends seemed to be really warm towards her, and they also seemed to do alright with the gang, even though there were quite a few jokes aimed at white people not understanding other cultures. It probably went so well because everyone in the gang laughed at these jokes, except for Chop, who would consider what had been said for a moment, nod and tell them it was true, which would set everyone off laughing again, Chop included. But Chloe had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that wouldn’t go away.  
“They were playing nice weren’t they?”  
“Oh yes.” Rhys said with a knowing smile. “Chop didn’t even get a lecture from Jae about how it’s not our job to teach white people about our cultures.”  
“Go to a library Chop.” Chloe grinned, she had heard Rhys say it multiple times to him. “I didn’t do anything to embarrass you did I?” She fretted.  
“Absolutely not!” He said firmly.  
“You can tell me if I mess up or make mistakes.” Chloe countered.  
“And I will, and even if you do make mistakes, they’re not reason to be embarrassed.”   
“I know, it’s what you do after mistakes that matter…” She sighed. “It’s a very multicultural group.” Chloe grinned, “I liked it.”  
“Yeah.” Rhys answered, “But I will hear from more than one of them about safe zones that don’t include white people.” Rhys said with a grim smile. “And fair enough. Constant racism does tend to make you want just one place where they can’t get to you…”   
“I understand.” Chloe considered it for a while, “You’ll probably need to spend more time with them without me around huh?”  
“Yes.” Rhys nodded, “But I won’t have our relationship suffer for it.” He added, “So I will need to somehow make time. Somewhere.” He sighed.   
“Make sure you’re not taking too much on.” Chloe reminded him and he grinned at her, he enjoyed her occasionally fussing over him.   
“And we’ll have to get both groups of friends together more often too.” Rhys added, “And then some of them like Aiyana and Nikki will be keen to get to know you better.”   
“I really look forward to that.” Chloe grinned. They got into the car, Chloe driving and headed for Rhys’s house.   
“How are you going?” Rhys asked gently and Chloe’s mouth turned down instantly.  
“I’m really fucking angry Rhys.” She said simply, with little emotion. “That man came to my home and threatened me. He hit me, and damaged your car… and the cops are implying that he should be pressing charges against me cos I defended myself.” She shook her head, her eyes never leaving the road. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry before.” She sighed, “Except for at those fucking racist at the bar.” Chloe’s anger started to show slightly. “I could’ve killed those fucking bitches.” She turned her eyes to him, “I’m kinda protective of you.” She grinned and turned her eyes back to the road the minute she saw his smile.   
“What do you need me to do with this Ian thing?” Rhys asked quietly.  
“I don’t even know. Just train me hard; no mercy. Push me. I need to be stronger than him.” Chloe said determinedly, “Cos if we can’t stop the root problem, which is him… then I got no choice but to be able to defend myself every time he comes for me.”  
“You shouldn’t have to.” Rhys lowered his eyes, “He should be held accountable for his actions.”   
“But it’s never gonna happen babe.” Chloe shrugged, “I’m slowly coming to terms with that.” She put a hand on his thigh, her eyes never leaving the road, “I’m just gonna have to keep on defending myself against him. I’ve got no other option.”

 

‘The Passenger’ by Iggy Pop  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

Rae tried to not suck her teeth moodily. Usually Sunday mornings were spent lazing in bed and then doing homework. But he had gotten up early to go with a jog with his mother. And now she was teaching him some Scottish breakfast thing and Rae was completely disinterested in the whole topic. She knew she was verging on becoming sulky, but she truly enjoyed their typical Sunday mornings, and she didn’t like having them disrupted.   
I were like this with Aiesha too… it’s nothing personal against Finn’s mum…   
It’s more about not being in bed with Finn right now… like I should be…  
Fuck.  
“Your accent comes and goes.” Finn told his mum.  
“That’s the unfortunate effect of living amongst the English for so long.” They laughed and Rae physically stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Rae picked at her nails.  
“Where’s Gary?” She asked nonchalantly.  
I bet it’s too early for even him to be up for this super fun family time…  
Don’t think like that Rae. She’s just trying to re-bond with Finn.  
Aye, but why can’t she do it at a decent fucking time?  
“He’s in bed.” Kenzie turned to her, “I was kind of hoping that you’d stay in bed and we’d both bring you something up.” She grinned at Rae and Rae tried to smile back as broadly as she could.  
Well that was a not so subtle ‘piss off.’  
No Rae, she were saying that she wanted her and Finn to do something nice for the people they love together.  
I might be having troubles trusting her after that first little talk we had…  
Rae acknowledged her misgivings. Kenzie had apologised and Rae had tried to put it behind her… but she kept seeing signs of Kenzie not wanting her around on a daily basis.   
“Right so we just let that bake for a bit.” Kenzie said and they sat down at the table with Rae. Kenzie took a book from the pile of books she’d left on the table. “So I wanted to tell you a bit about our people; the McCay clan.” She looked at Finn  
I might as well be flippin’ invisible.  
He’s making much more of an effort with her than he were before… I wonder what he and Rhys talked about?  
Rae watched Finn’s face as he looked in the book his mother had opened.  
“This is our coat of arms.” She told him and looked up at his face happily as he took it in, “We’ve got a very long history of living in the Sutherland region.”   
“Sutherland?” Rae asked surprised; that was where Chop’s family had that lovely house they’d stayed in for her birthday last year, just before they’d broken up for the second time.   
Go’ I hope that’s not a fucking omen…   
We broke up after coming back from Sutherland… and his fucking family line comes from fucking Sutherland.  
Rae… what is with this paranoia girl?   
She took a deep breath and listened to Kenzie, her eyes on Finn’s happy face as he watched his mother speak.  
“Yes, do you know Sutherland?”  
“Our friend Chop, has a family property out there.” Rae answered and Kenzie nodded.  
“Beautiful part of the world.” She said wistfully and both Finn and Rae nodded, “Our motto is manu forti.” She grinned, “Which means ‘with a strong hand.’”  
“So basically, what you’re saying is, we like to get shit done.” Finn laughed.

 

After breakfast he and Rae settled back into bed, Rae feeling mildly grumpy after having sat through 20 minutes of Gaelic lessons that were clearly not aimed at her.   
He knows I’m in a grumpy mood.  
Rae looked at Finn as he set up the bed for them. But before she had chance to think about it much he had pulled her into his arms.  
“I think next time, you should have a sleep in and just let me mum and me cook you breakfast in bed.” He said softly and Rae felt her grumpy mood deepen.   
“Possibly.”   
Don’t say anything else.  
Not another word…  
“Or maybe she could try to involve me in your little Scottish lessons.”   
“I just don’t think she thinks you’re interested Rae.” Finn shrugged, “And it’s ok if you’re not.”  
“It’s about you, of course I’m interested.” Rae felt her mind correcting her, “To an extent…”  
“And that’s fine.”  
“Look Finn,” Rae sat up, “I know you need alone time with your mum, but why does it have to be Sunday morning? Why can’t it be when I’m at work, or Thursday afternoon., mum and Karim are both home that evening, I’m sure they’d love some alone time with me… why can’t it be better timed.” She hoped he understood, “it’s just that-”  
“I love our Sunday mornings too Rae.” He stroked her face, “and we can still have them, just with a small break in the morning where…”  
“No Finn… that’s not our Sunday mornings. That’s her taking it from us and you trying to pretend afterwards that it never happened.”   
Oh fuck I did not say that out loud.  
They stared at each other silently for a moment.   
“Rae I really need for you to be helpful with this? Please?” He said softly, “I know it’s not ideal, and in time, I will move her to another day. But for now… this is the best I can possibly make the situation.”   
“Oh fuck, I’m sorry Finn.” Rae whispered, “I’m just not used to it all… and I were really looking forward to this Sunday going as normal… I kinda like our routine.”  
“I kinda love it. I miss it too Rae. And I’m trying to… find some sort o’ balance, I promise.”  
“No, Finn, I know you are.” Rae sighed, “I’m being unreasonably impatient and grumpy.” She gave him a sulky look followed by an apologetic one.  
“It’s not unreasonable. What we’ve got is precious to me and I’m glad it is to you too.” She gave him a wan smile. “I will get this stuff with my mum under control.” He promised. “I just need some time to figure it all out in my head.”  
“I haven’t been very supportive.” Rae said softly, “What do you need?” She wanted to help him in anyway she could.  
“I need to confront my mum about why she were gone for eight years, Rae…” Finn said in a matter of fact tone, “But I’m not sure how or when to do it.”  
“Wow.” Rae could barely breathe. “Yeah ok, maybe take your time figuring that out.”   
Oh wow… how can I help him with this without fucking everything up?  
How can I stop him from fucking everything up?

 

‘Around the World’ by Daft Punk  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9MszVE7aR4 

Ditching school on Monday to head to the airport had been an easy decision, even for Rae who had already had a week off school for her drama camp. When Rae and Finn had headed back to Rae’s house on Sunday night, her mum had agreed to write her a note for today, but only because she’d done so well at the drama camp; both trophies were up in the lounge room now.   
There had been nearly 50 people at the airport to farewell them. A few of Tom’s clients had shown up unexpectedly, Archie’s family, the gang, some of Rhys’s gang that knew Tom well, and all of Tom’s friends; who all knew and loved Archie too now. Chloe and Rae had tried not to laugh as they all embraced Tom and Archie and cried. Izzy however had laughed loudly, nearly setting Rae and Chloe off, at the look on Archie’s face when Tom’s friends had started to give them advice on how to get away with fucking in countries where it was illegal. Loudly. In the middle of the airport. Archie’s parents standing right next to them, attempting to not hear and looking anywhere but at the gay men giving such splendid advice.   
Tom was hugging everyone merrily, making cheeky jokes and complaining that camels didn’t have toilets; he was being as charming as ever. But Archie was a bit of a mess. He had hugged Chloe and Rae tightly, promising them both a nice present from his travels for their birthdays and another present just cos he had gone travelling and wanted to bring everyone from the gang something back.   
By the time he got around to hugging Finn, last of all, he was nearly in tears from all the well-wishing and trepidation of his first journey abroad.   
“This’ll be the longest we’ve been apart since we was in kindy.” Finn said, and Archie started crying.  
“Oi, what are you doing to my man?” Tom joked but Finn had started to cry a little too and just held Archie tighter.   
Eventually the boarding call dragged Tom and Archie away from everyone and they said their final farewells before heading to their plane.

 

A little over five hours later they landed in Egypt.   
The very first thing Archie noticed was the oppressive heat, even in the night air. And the next was the smell. The smell was so different here than London. He didn’t know it, but it was the smell of leaded petrol, a smell common to so many places in the world, but one he had not experienced in England.   
Customs had been slow and they had both needed to pee.  
“I thought they’d have a toilet before you had to go through customs.” Tom muttered and Archie nodded. In his desire to be meticulously planned out, Archie had gotten their visas through the embassy in London already. As they finally approached the gates, he noticed that everyone else seemed to be getting theirs as they entered the country; the customs official barely looking at them as they stamped their passports. Archie’s turn finally came and Tom went to go to the counter with him.  
“No!” A man with an Ak47 called out at him. “One at a time!” He ordered and Tom nodded his head and backed up rather quickly. The guard hadn’t aimed his gun at him, or even seemed threatening. He had just been rather commanding, and obviously had the power to make someone do as he commanded. Tom had no desire to test that power. Archie handed his passport to the customs official, who had barely blinked at the guard’s orders, open at the visa page. The official looked at it for a long time and then picked up his phone. Tom and Archie shared a look of barely hidden concern. Another customs gate was opened up and the line was diverted through that gate, Tom decided not to go to the gate so that everyone else could get through; obviously already having a visa would mean it took time to get through customs. 

 

Twenty minutes later Archie was finally emptying his bladder Tom beside him at the urinal, both of them looking up at the ceiling with relief. The man in the corner selling single squares of toilet paper for one US dollar was an unexpected addition, as was the hectic and chaotic rush of taxi drivers to get the tourists at the terminal.   
Archie had decided to try out different types of accommodation for them, the first place was a local 3 star hotel, who were sending out a car for them to pick them up at the airport. They picked up their backpacks, Tom finally admitting that backpacks had been far better idea than suitcases when he saw the other tourists working their way through the crowd of taxi drivers vying for their custom. They saw a tall man with a bald head, a large moustache and hard eyes standing apart from the others, a piece of cardboard in his hands, and in dark pen, one word written on it  
‘TORCHIE’  
“Do think that means us?” Tom asked looking at it and Archie, hot, tired and already sweating shrugged.  
“I dunno, but let’s find out?” They approached the man. “Hey, I’m Archie, this is Tom, are you looking for us?” He asked. The man nodded and motioned for them to give him their bags. He took them and turned, starting to walk off without another word. “Fuck. Shit…” Archie said as they took off at a cracking pace to follow him.   
“I hope he’s the guy.” Tom grimaced and then grinned.  
“Or else we’ve given our luggage to fuck knows who…” Archie agreed.  
“And he’s leading us fuck knows where…” Tom added and Archie suddenly felt acutely aware of just how far away he was from home. Travel was scary and exhilarating, and very confusing… in fact mostly confusing.   
Eventually, after trekking over half of the airport car park they came to a white van.   
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tom mumbled, “A white van… how many people get fucking kidnapped in a white van?” He started to chuckle and Archie couldn’t help but join him. The man carefully put their luggage in the back of the van and opened the door for them to get in the second row of seats. Tom and Archie sat next to each other and had to consciously not take each other’s hands Tom making an effort to sit in a more ‘heterosexual’ manner. Which basically meant with his legs more spread out.   
They drove through some oddly dark streets, and then some brightly lit ones, the driver using his horn as means of communicating that he was on the road, and turning his lights on only periodically, even when it was quite dark.   
“We’re gonna die aren’t we?” Archie started to giggle and Tom joined him as the driver started to tailgate a taxi, also not using any lights.   
“Well it was nice knowing you.” He chuckled.   
They were just getting used to their driver’s way of driving when they saw a road blockade up ahead. Heavily armed guards were stopping every car. When it came to their car, the guard, probably a police officer Archie thought, looked in the window at them closely, his AK47 just centimetres from Archie’s face. Seeing such heavily armed people was something new to Archie and Tom, and it did make them feel slightly on edge. The officer was wearing a white uniform and showed his credentials to the driver, a short conversation in Arabic, too fast for Archie’s rudimentary learning of the language to follow properly, followed and the driver handed some money over to the guard before they were allowed to go. Archie wondered if it was a bribe.  
Not long after that the roads became busier, brightly lit, and it was apparent they had come to Cairo proper. It was past 11pm local time now and people were walking all over the streets, cars were everywhere blasting their horns and blaring music. They noticed some quieter side roads but at the moment the driver was sticking to the main roads.   
Tom and Archie took in all the sights; the shops, the night life, the people as they drove past, finally starting to feel more at ease. Until quite suddenly they drove down a darker quieter road. And the van stopped.   
Their driver got out and took their bags out of the car. He motioned towards a dark alley. A man stood at the mouth of the alley, leaning on the wall and leering out at them, a cigarette hanging from his mouth.   
“Excuse me?” Archie asked and the man pointed to the alleyway before getting into his van and driving away without having said a word to them. They picked up their bags and looked at each other.  
“Alright then.” Tom said as they crossed the road towards the alleyway. Archie got out his Lonely Planet book, and tried to read about the hotel he’d booked in the dim light. The rooms were supposed to overlook a main road leading out of Tahrir Square.   
This was not a main road.  
But Tom was skirting past the man resolutely and Archie followed with trepidation. They very quickly realised that the alley way opened up into an empty courtyard with no way out other than the same alley they’d come down, the one with the man in the opening, staring at them. There was rubbish strewn all over the courtyard, and Archie felt adrenalin come to his mouth as he looked around, trying to figure out what had gone so wrong. And then he saw the set of dilapidated stairs jutting out into the courtyard. He went to them, Tom following and saw that the doors at the top of them were open, and there, inside was a sign, listing all the businesses in this building, and occupying one of the floors of the old building was the Luna Hotel.   
They went further into the building and Tom actually started to laugh when he saw the old style elevator, with a grate you had to hand open and close.   
“Holy shit.” Archie marvelled, “it’ beautiful.” He opened the grate and looked in the rickety old elevator, “Still in working condition. This building is living history.” He grinned and Tom sighed and shook his head.   
“Arch, there’s no way that’s gonna carry both of us safely.” He looked at the stairs, so old that in some places the ends had rounded with wear. They wound around the elevator shaft with an ornate handrail, the whole effect was quite wonderful; if you were Archie. Tom muttered about what was wrong with the Nile Hilton as they climbed up the stairs, their 20 kilo bags weighing heavily on them.   
“This room is less than 10 quid a night.” Archie retorted to Tom’s unimpressed face.   
When they finally got to the right floor it was dark on the landing, but a door with the name of their hotel was up ahead and they opened it, not sure what to expect.   
Inside was a well-lit, clean and modern looking small hotel. They were greeted by a friendly man at the desk who had them in their room within minutes. Most of the time spent checking in had been the clerk telling them about his cousin Mohammed who did tours of the pyramids. They had agreed to talk to him tomorrow and went into their room. It was strange that the door for their room was opposite the welcome desk, and that just on the other side of the door, the clerk sat, watching Egyptian soapies and eating snacks. Archie had asked for their best room, for Tom’s sake, and the room was huge, with a large king sized bed and a second double bed on the other side of the room. The bathroom was small, cramped even with a tiny shower and a horrible plastic curtain, but it was clean and safe. They went out onto the balcony and looked down onto the main street, hundreds of people and cars were moving around on the street below, and beside them there was a yellow sign for hotel Luna hanging off the side of the old building. They people watched for a while, Tom grinning as he took it all in, especially at Archie’s excited face.  
“Alright, I admit, this hotel is great.” Tom grinned and Archie had to stop himself from kissing him on the balcony. They had to save that for the privacy of their hotel room. 

 

‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ by Red Hot Chilli Peppers  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5bCMLIA5Fk

Wednesday was a good day at his place because his parents were nowhere to be seen until well after 10pm every single Wednesday.   
It had been a week since Finn and her had had the big talk about Phil and their relationship and what it was to love selflessly, and what they wanted from each other. That first night they had held each other all night. Then they’d made love, and since then she’d fucked Finn every day, usually twice. And Finn was not complaining. Rae’s glorious libido and increased self-esteem were most welcome to him, as was her taking charge in the bedroom. In fact he was hoping to use it to his advantage today, for something he had been thinking about for a while. He took a bag out of the bottom of his wardrobe and took out the riding crop. Finn bit his bottom lip and let his fingers run along the length of the leather crop. It was long and flexible, and would probably cut the skin if brought down hard enough. He didn’t want it that hard. But he did want it hard enough to leave marks on his thighs. Marks he’d have to hide when he got changed for PE at school, marks his shorts would only just cover.   
He and Archie had ended up talking for hours when he had visited while Rae was away, and the desire to have marks left on his skin was raised several times. In the end, Finn had decided to stop questioning it. Like Rhys had said at the Summer Ball; everything happens in nature, nothing is unheard of or freakish in nature, so don’t fuck yourself up worrying if it’s right or natural, worry about consent and what gives he and Rae pleasure. And that’s all he was worrying about now. He wanted this, she was getting more into taking the lead, it would give them both pleasure… and he was most definitely enthusiastically giving the ‘hell yes’ to this. Now it was whether she was going to consent to it.   
“Alright, I ordered the pizza to get here at 7:30.” She said as she got back into his room, Finn’s eyes shot to his clock: 5pm… She grinned when she saw the riding crop in his hand.  
“You wanna use that on me Finlay?” She asked with a devious grin. She turned around and pulled up her skirt to reveal her arse, covered with red lacy underwear she looked over her shoulder and cocked an eyebrow suggestively at him.   
“Aye I do.” He said softly, “But not today.” She turned back to him and he handed her the crop. She opened her mouth in delighted surprise and Finn’s stomach knotted in anticipation. She was into it.   
“Well then.” She said in a husky voice, “You better get your kit off then.” Finn swallowed hard and took his clothes off his eyes never leaving her face. Rae unbuttoned a few buttons on her shirt to allow a good amount of cleavage to show and Finn’s eyes dropped to her tits instantly.   
“Soak it in boy, cos it’s all you’re getting.” She pushed him back on the bed, and Finn understood that Rae would not be undressing for this fuck. Her skirt and shirt and bra would probably be staying on, and he would be entirely naked; a very nice visual reminder of where the power lay. She looked him up and down and pulled up a chair and sat opposite him. “Alright, talk to me.” She said softly and Finn sat up on the bed.  
“I want my thighs caned.” Finn said, “Just the front for now. I want you to leave marks.” Rae nodded, “And then I want you to fuck me for your pleasure.”  
“Alright.” Rae said nodding her head slowly. Without warning she caned his thigh, medium hard, he gasped. “How’s that?”  
“Harder.” Finn said honestly, “But I don’t want the skin broken if you can manage it. And really, really don’t cane me tackle.”   
“Okay.” Rae agreed, “And I would like to tie you up and gag you.” She added and Finn grinned.   
“You’re on girl.” He felt his cock starting to throb with excitement. “I can hold onto something and drop it if the pain gets too much?” Rae nodded and handed him a pen from his desk.   
“Now get the rope.” She said sweetly and he got up and got the rope from the bag. When he turned back Rae was gone, he waited on the bed for her and when she returned she had something behind her back. “Get the blindfold too.” She told him and he got up to get it. As soon as he sat down Rae told him to blindfold himself. Then she put what she had hidden behind her back on the bedside table and pushed him back onto the bed, moving things out of the way to find the hook in the wall. She tied him up tightly, knowing that the ropes would start hurting eventually. Finn heard her rustling in the wardrobe and then she spoke softly, his ears having to strain to pick up her low lusty voice.  
“I’m gonna masturbate, looking at you.” She said. He heard the vibrator start and wished he could see her. “I’m gonna use the vibrator to make me cum, with me knickers still on.” She told him.   
“Let me watch?” He asked and she laughed.  
“No.” She answered simply and he heard the tone of the vibrator change and knew she had it pressed against her clitoris through her underwear. He heard her give a breathy moan and grunted in frustration.  
“Rae… let me watch you.”  
“I’m doing this for me. Not you.” She laughed and Finn felt the power play acutely, his cock throbbing from it. He groaned with every breathy moan she let him hear, and when she came, with a deep guttural moan, Finn’s cock spasmed in sympathy, he was already far too excited and he tried to calm himself down by taking huge deep breaths.   
He felt Rae kneeling on the bed and smelled her vagina, she was close to him, and then he felt her knickers on his face, he groaned, breathing the smell of her. She gave him a moment to enjoy her wet underpants before slowly pushing them into his mouth. Finn groaned happily as she shoved the all of the material in and made him close his mouth. And then he learned what she had disappeared for, what she had hidden behind her back when he heard her unroll the masking tape. She taped his mouth shut, her underwear in his mouth and slowly straddled him. She could hear him groaning and straining to say something around the gag she’d created as she rubbed her cunt on his cock. She lifted his blindfold so he could see what she was doing; what he was completely powerless to stop her from doing, unless he dropped the pen. She let his cock slide inside of her and rode him, her hands running over her clothed body, Finn’s hands twitching until he pulled on the ropes, desperate to touch her. She brought herself to orgasm, riding him hard and fast, Finn groaning loudly, his eyes unable to leave her for even a second. He was so turned on he was afraid he’d explode at any moment. He enjoyed it when she took power like this, and he could taste her on her knickers in his mouth.   
But she stopped, leaned over him grinning sadistically she patted his head.  
“Good boy.” She whispered and covered his eyes again. He tried to call out her name around the gag but couldn’t. “What’s that?” Rae teased. He tried to plead with her to use him, to hurt him, to do whatever she wanted with him. “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” She said it in an innocent voice that made Finn moan with desire and frustration.   
And then she was gone. Finn strained his ears, desperately trying to hear if she was in the room. He tried to call out her name again and he heard her chuckle as if his struggle to speak was amusing to her. He pulled at the ropes, but Rae didn’t see him, she was looking down at the crop.   
She felt nervous, worried about how to do this without hurting him too much. She suddenly felt very aware of how Finn must have felt in the early days of their exploration when she had asked him to hit her arse hard, when she had wanted him to leave bruises. She was turned on by all of it, she wanted to do it, and the way he wanted it was so ridiculously sexy… but she was terrified of going too far and actually hurting him. For a fleeting moment she wondered how Tom and Archie did this kind of thing all the time. She supposed with time you’d get used to what your partner could handle. Finn knew exactly how hard to hit her arse and when, she didn’t even need to ask now; he seemed to be able to gauge from her mood exactly what she wanted in that regard. So she told herself that practice made perfect and turned back to Finn; he was struggling against the ropes, groaning and crying out to her. But the pen was still firmly held in his hand. She watched him struggle for a moment, being as absolutely quite as she could be, understanding that this was as much of a torture as anything else she could do to him. She carefully leaned over him and breathed on the side of his face. His face shot to her direction and she laughed. He pulled at the ropes furiously and she let the tip of the crop touch the side of his face. He whimpered and she knew she was onto something here. She slowly traced the tip of the crop down his body and then she got to his thighs. He groaned lustily and Rae bit her bottom lip. She took the crop away and put her fingers to the skin on his thighs.  
This is gonna hurt  
She traced the words slowly and he nodded his head slowly in reply.   
And then she did nothing again, and Finn lay in tense anticipation. She slowly, silently raised the crop and waited. His body was almost quivering with excitement and impatience. But he did not struggle or make a sound, he was waiting… his ears straining to hear the sound of the crop whooshing down.   
She waited.   
She waited until the tension started to leave his muscles and then, without hesitation, brought the crop crashing down across his thighs, much harder than the first cane she’d done when they’d been discussing what he wanted. He screamed out and she nearly panicked in horror at the way he screamed. Her eyes went to his hand holding the pen. His fingers were closed around it tightly. She waited for the tension in his body to again pass, his extended cry of pain stopped. She waited. For any sign that he wanted her to stop. The pen stayed in his hand.  
So Rae did it again, a little harder and Finn responded in a similar way. She watched his testicles crawl up slightly, precum dripped from his cock, and he was gasping throatily through the gag. Rae bit her bottom lip, her eyes on the pen in his hand. And then she heard a slight lusty groan as his body slowly loosened up again. She grinned, starting to feel a little more confident now.   
She brought the cane down on his thighs again, a little harder still and then stepped back to look at her handiwork. He had three beautiful lines across both of this thighs. She decided to do another two, then take his blindfold off and see how he was going.   
She did the next two very hard and in quick succession and Finn’s cries of pain went up in pitch. He was still panting when she took off his blindfold.   
She was surprised by how lusty the look in his eyes was when he saw her. His whole body was moving beneath her, in rhythm with his gasps of pain.   
She got on top of him and rode him, grinding her hips slowly into him, in rhythm with his gasping body. She reached down and masturbated as she rode him and he again started to pull on his ropes; aching to touch her. She made herself cum, far quicker than she had expected; having the power like this was very sexy for her too.   
His cock was glistening with her cum when she got off him and he groaned loudly, desperate to cum himself. But she laughed at him again and he again tried to plead with her through his gag. She shook his her head.  
“Yu don’t get to cum yet.” She whispered sensually, “How about another five… but this time you get to see when the pain’s coming?” She was surprised by how eagerly he nodded his head and she had to stop herself from biting her bottom lip with desire for him; she had to keep character when he was looking at her. She was displaying an almost disdain for him in this persona, the game was that she was using him for her own pleasure and entertainment. The game was at his request… she wouldn’t ruining by breaking character. So instead of biting her bottom lip she cocked an eyebrow at him and slid off the bed slowly, making sure he got a great view of her cleavage as she went.   
She stood with the crop held up and his eyes went to it, anticipation making his body tense already.   
She caned his thighs, lower down, almost near the knees and he screamed with pain. Rae forced her face to show no concern, but couldn’t stop her eyes from going to the pen still firmly held in his hand.   
“Harder?” She asked, expecting him to shake his head after that scream but he nodded. Rae was impressed with his resolve, but it was the look in his eyes that made her cunt start to really throb. It had been sexy being in control like this, but what it was doing to him was the real turn on. She looked down at the six marks on his legs; the last one she had done was further away from the others and she wanted to space them as evenly as possible. She didn’t know why, but it seemed better that way. She mentally figured out where she wanted the next four marks to go and raised the crop again, smiling imperiously as she watched Finn’s eyes follow the tip of the crop. She did the next two hard and close together again. His face went red with pain as he screamed and she knew he’d be swearing like a sailor if he wasn’t gagged. The two timed close together were particularly hard for him, so she decided to do three this time. All three of them as hard as the hardest cane she’d done, and close together. That was more than he was expecting, so he wouldn’t be ready for it at all. She had to look away so her face wouldn’t give her away while she considered if she should really do this.   
She decided to go for it. She looked back to his hand firmly holding the pen, his eyes watching her lustily, his cock obviously throbbing with desire. He screamed, his voice cracking when the third cane cracked down, and he writhed his body away so she couldn’t do a fourth even if she had wanted to. But he didn’t drop the pen, and almost as soon as he had writhed away he made himself lay back flat, ready for her to do what she would to him. She waited for him to calm down, and saw tears in the corner of his eyes, sweat on his forehead.   
“One more?” She asked, expecting a shake of the head.” He hesitated only momentarily before he nodded. She looked at the pen again. “One more to even out your marks.” She whispered and he nodded again.   
The final cane fell with far less of a cry from Finn, after the triple hit, this one had felt quite tame in comparison. She slowly crawled up his body and he groaned happily, even as the roughness of her shirt on his thighs made them sting. She licked his balls and he groaned loudly as her tongue continued up the shaft of his cock to the head, dancing around the glands before she took his cock into her mouth. But she only sucked it for a moment before she continued up his body, straddling him and moving her body slowly, sexually, her cunt rubbing along his cock deliciously. He pleaded with her to let him slide inside of her, but of course, with the gag, not a word came out. Her body got looser as she began to almost dance, she whipped her hair around and Finn was utterly transfixed, and so desperate for her. She leaned down and kissed the tape and he made the most desirous noises in the back of his throat that she’d ever heard. There she was, fully clothed, writhing on top of him, her lips on the tape over his mouth, her cunt pressed against his cock, and he couldn’t touch her. She could hear him trying to plead again and took mercy on him, sliding her cunt over his cock so that his full length slipped into her.   
The groan from deep inside of Finn’s body was ecstatic thankfulness, relief, lust, pleasure… it was everything good and Rae was beyond turned on by the sounds he was making as she worked to give herself another orgasm, still practically giving him a lap dance as she fucked hm. She slowly stripped her shirt of, button by button and Finn’s groans told her just how much he was appreciating the show. She threw the shirt away, fucked him hard and fast for a while before stopping, whipping her hair around again to the music in her head before she began her fucking him mixed in with her lap dance for him. She spent a good long time playing with her own breasts as she very slowly slid him in and out of her cunt, feeling every inch as she did it. She knew how much he loved her tits, and she was driving him crazy as she squeezed them and caressed them when he couldn’t. When the bra finally came off, Finn could barely tear his eyes away from her breasts and his groans told her he was getting close. She unzipped her skirt slowly, not letting it interfere with her dancing and lifted it off over her head and throwing across the room; it landed on top of his bookshelves and knocked one of his sporting trophies down. She wanted to let herself cum, but she was holding back until he came, it was almost impossible to stop herself and her whole body was twitching with it. As soon as she began to grow breathy Finn felt his balls starting to throb rhythmically, and almost with no warning his cock was exploding into orgasm, the pleasure ripping through his body with unexpected ferocity. Rae was coming almost before he had started coming, she had been unable to hold it anymore, and they both groaned loudly, their eyes never leaving each other’s eyes. She collapsed down on him, wanting to kiss his lips. She pulled the tap off and he opened his mouth, gasping through her knickers. She pulled them out for him, and instantly his lips were on hers.   
“Keep going girl.” He said when she started to slow down and she felt his stomach tensing up again, his head rolling back.   
Since the first time they had had sex Finn had been compelled very often to cum again; she was so sexy and beautiful that he sometimes had to have her again immediately.   
But this was different. It felt like the first orgasm hadn’t fully stopped, it had just dipped down slightly. Rae’s continued hard fast fucking brought him to an immediate second orgasm, even bigger than the first. His hands squeezed tightly and his head fell back, he practically screamed with pleasure and his body shuddered, the pen falling from his hand towards the end of the orgasm.   
He gasped up at her, exhausted.   
“Was that…” Rae asked stunned, “A multiple orgasm.” Finn nodded slowly.  
“I think so.” He gasped.  
“I’d read men could have ‘em.” She said awed. “You must really like caning.” She said and leaned up to untie him.  
“I feel like I been on the verge of doing that all week.” He said, still gasping. As soon as the knot was undone he lowered his hands to touch her.  
“Really?” Rae grinned, “So you like me in control?” Even Rae had noticed the change in her sexuality this week; she knew she was taking the lead a lot more than she had previously.  
“I like you confident.” He replied. “I think that’s what did it.” His breath was finally returning to normal, “That fucking lap dance.” He shook his head, “Fucking hell girl.”   
“Well I’m feeling a lot more confident lately, so I suppose it might happen again?” She grinned.  
“Oh fuck I hope so!” He almost chuckled but lacked the energy, “but more than anything I just want you to keep seeing your own worth like you have this past week.” He said with a genuine smile.   
“I’ll try my best to keep it up.’ She told him, “I promise.” She took one of his hands and looked at the marks. “I only know a little bit about after care…” Rae fretted.   
“I left a plate of snacks in the fridge to tide us over till the pizza comes.” Finn told her, “I need some water, and a hot chocolate please.” He said, “And ice…” Rae nodded and got up, “And Archie gave me some cream for the bruises. And can you put me heater on?”  
“On it!” Rae bustled over to the heater and then helped Finn get into his bed more comfortably, he grinned up at her happily as she looked after him. She hurried down the stairs, thinking that everything he’d said for aftercare made perfect sense, and next time, she’d be much better at it all.   
When she brought him up a tray of food, drinks and icepacks he was dozing gently, the blankets pulled up tightly. He woke the minute she came into the room. She set up everything on the bedside table and then gently put the icepacks, wrapped in tea towels, on his thighs. He smiled gratefully; they really stung now.   
She cut up the food, fruit, cheese and cupcakes and hand fed him. Finn laughed happily as she handed him his hot chocolate and a straw so he didn’t have to sit up. It didn’t take all that long for Finn to feel more or less normal again.  
“Wanna see the marks?” He asked and pulled back the blankets. They both looked down at the twelve almost perfectly evenly spaced welt marks on each of his legs. “Wow.” He whispered. He could see they were going to bruise beautifully.   
“Are you alright?” She fretted but he grinned.  
“Remember those bruises on your arse?” He asked looking at her momentarily out of the side of his eye and grinning knowingly before looking back down at his thighs, “you got ‘em so even.” He marvelled and put his fingers to one of the marks.   
“Aye I remember my bruises.” She grinned and again felt like she understood Finn’s journey better now that she had done the bruising. “It’s just… that was kinda our first bit of BDSM…” Rae whispered and Finn shrugged.  
“I think some of the stuff I did to you counts too.” He grinned at her, “You worried?”  
“I’m not sure I wanna be caned Finn.” She said apologetically. “I mean… I’ll get it done on me arse happily… but not anywhere else…”  
“That’s alright. It can be my thing.” He replied, “You don’t have to want what I want!” She grinned, relieved.  
“I mean I might like it, and I do wanna try it… but those bruises look a lot worse than my arse ones.” She looked down at the rising bruises and Finn shrugged.   
“You don’t mind doing it to me?” Finn asked and Rae shook her head.  
“No I liked it… although I worried if I were going too far!”   
“I know that feeling.” He grinned, “You gotta trust me to tell you, ok?”  
“Aye ditto.” She threw back at him and he nodded.  
“Aye I know!” He chuckled, “I quite like the way they look.’ He said slowly. “But I don’t think I’ll want them all the time.” Rae nodded.  
“Fair enough, I bet they hurt.”  
“Oh aye.” They were hot and throbbing, but that just reminded Finn of the amazing sex they’d just had. The whole thing from beginning to end had been stunning. “But I’m quite keen to have confident Rae all the time.” He told her.  
“So you want me to take the lead all the time?” She was dismayed; she liked it when he took the lead too.  
“I think you can be confident and not be taking the lead.” Finn said, “I was just a pretty confident submissive, don’t you think?” He asked and was gifted by a huge grin.  
“Aye.” She bit her bottom lip, obviously pleased with the idea. “Every time we talk about our sex life, I get all excited about everything that’s to come.” She told him with a grin.   
“Aye me too!” He touched her cheek, “But right now I have an overwhelming desire to make love. Just vanilla, run of the mill, deep emotional connection love making…”   
“Same.” Rae whispered, a shudder of delight running through her body when she felt his hand find the back of her neck, his thumb caressing her cheek. “But have you got the energy to d-” His lips were on hers, and all other thoughts were completely gone. No one had the ability to make her mind stop quite like this. She knew now that others could come close… but nothing like this… There was nothing like making love with him. No one like Finn.   
“I’m so thankful I’ve got you.” She told him, “Everything you do for me, how selfless you are, how much you love me…” She stroked his face, “You are such an amazing person.” And for the first time in her life, for this entire week, she had felt like she deserved him and the way he loved her. It was so nice to feel that way. “Everything about you… I love you.” And Finn was so glad to have a declaration like this that wasn’t followed with, ‘how did I get you?’ Or ‘what did I deserve to get you?’ Or worse yet, ‘one day you’ll wake up and realise I don’t deserve you.’ He stroked her face, understanding that a lot had changed in her this week, but that the work to bring her to this place had been ongoing since the first day she’d stepped into Kester’s office, and that the work would continue to go on. This was just the foundation slab of a self-esteem. There was a lot more to build before she saw herself as the truly amazing person she was. But even as he understood that, he was so grateful for the lessening in her self-hatred that he almost wanted to go and kiss Phil. He realised it wasn’t Phil that was the magic solution here; Phil could have been any basically decent lad who fell in love with her and wasn’t too much of a dick about it and the result would have been roughly the same. She had understood that love and attraction for her was not owned by Finn. Others had it too, and logically that must mean that there was something about her worthy of love and attraction. Had she not done the year of work with Kester beforehand, he was sure she would have ended up just deciding that both lads were crazy and been with neither of them; never quite able to believe they weren’t joking about liking her. But with all the work she’d done, the realisation that Phil actually, really did love her and want her, not just as an abstract thought, but as a tangible reality had perfectly illustrated what her therapy had been trying to tell her; that she was fine, that she was perfect, and loveable, and worth something. And that this worth lay within her, not with the others and what they thought. Finn could have been an anomaly… but two wonderful lads loving her… that showed her something. Finn understood all of this journey of hers, just in the words she didn’t say after declaring how wonderful he was and how much she loved him… He felt tears start to his eyes because she hadn’t asked what she had done to possibly deserve him.   
She knew what she had done to deserve him: been herself.   
He kissed her lips slowly, taking in everything he could about her, her taste and smell, the sound of her breath, the feel of her skin.  
“I love you Rae.” He whispered softly, his lips brushing hers as he slowly started to position her on her back. She opened her thighs for him and he slid between her legs easily, like coming home. She was his home, and making love to her was his nourishment. Rae held him to her in a way that told Finn that she felt the same way; the closeness between them somehow continued to grow.

 

‘Junkyard’ by The Birthday Party  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xi_45bI03E

The week had gone fast for Rae and she was thankful for that. She had a kind of weariness at the moment. That was not to say that she wasn’t as happy as ever; just that she was already looking forward to the school holidays at the end of October.   
Most Saturday nights, Rae was sitting next to Finn at his community radio station job, volunteering to be his witty banter. But tonight a combination of too many songs to play and her slightly morose mood meant that Rae was chilling with Audrey the audio girl on the other side of the glass. Audrey didn’t always come in, but when she did, she smoked joints, talked very entertaining shit and drunk orange poppers by the gallon. Finn had been quite adamant that Rae come into the station so they could head to the pub to celebrate Chloe’s birthday properly straight afterwards. After that they were all sleeping at Izzy and Chop’s place, so they could relax all day Sunday together.   
The problem was that Audrey never hung around for long, and Rae was left by herself all too soon. Finn was focussed on his work, and she could go in there and join him, but she really didn’t feel like it tonight.   
Phillip had been away from school all week, and this had really upset her. She really wished she hadn’t had to hurt him, but there really was no other way. Still, she felt like shit and she missed having him around; he might not be her boyfriend, but she really did care about him and enjoy his company. If he wasn’t at school on Monday she’d have to go and visit him; kick him the arse and remind him of his precious grades.   
She sighed and got up; she needed some air.   
The studio was in a less traversed part of Stamford, near an old grimy pub and some dark, boarded up buildings. She knew that there were some nice houses a few streets away from this grim part of town and it never ceased to amaze her how comparatively rich places could be so close to dirty abandoned places.  
She stood outside the studio in the dark street and looked up and down the road. The air had a chilly autumn bite to it and she decided to head to their car to grab a jacket. She huffed to herself as she went past the dimly lit pub, the sound of rowdy lads inside making her grin slightly.   
They had parked the car a few abandoned, dilapidated buildings past the pub in a patch of dirt that doubled as a car park. Rae crossed her arms and put her chilly fingers in her armpits as she let her mind meander back over the past few weeks. It was strange how much she had changed in just a few short weeks and how much her relationship with Finn continued to grow. She was mostly happy; but she would give a good deal to see Phil happy too.   
She had talked with Finn about Phil a couple of times since the drama camp, and he was interested in her feelings, but always he insisted on not hearing the details of what happened between her and Phil because he had promised her it would be private and he would not break that promise, and then he would add that they didn’t matter to him or their relationship. And she believed him, but she did worry that he was still struggling with jealousy a little. Eventually she would tell him everything, if he ever wanted to hear it; she would follow his lead and do everything he wished on this topic. She had told him yesterday that she wasn’t sorry for what had happened between her and Phil, and she never would be. But she would be very sorry if it hurt Finn, and he had seemed to understand that. He had told her that he was not hurt by her exploring her feelings for Phillip, especially since it had come out on his side with no shadow of a doubt in anyone’s mind of her feelings. Finn had then said that Phil must have been gutted by it. Rae had noticed that Finn’s feelings towards Phil had changed markedly; he had been worried about him not being at school for the entire week, but not as worried as her. Rae understood that Finn didn’t have the weight on him of having broken his heart. No matter how much Phil tried to shield her from his disintegration, she had seen it. She understood that it wasn’t her fault that they had developed feelings for each other, and she couldn’t be blamed for loving Finn more, but she also understood how horrible it would feel to be Phillip right now. And she also understood that while the time they had spent together had been a perfect dream for him, it had also been a nightmare too, because of the torture of knowing he’d never have her like that again. She had mentioned something like this to Finn and he had, of course, understood what she meant, but it had also made it obvious to Finn that the situation between her and Phil had indeed gotten physical. And he had just kissed her, told her it was ok, that he understood and it was fine. He loved her and he always would. He had refrained from pointing out the parallels between Phillip and Elsa, and she was grateful for the restraint he had shown. But she saw them, and she better understood Finn’s relationship with Elsa now and she didn’t feel threatened by it, just like Finn was no longer threatened by Phil. Although she couldn’t help but compare herself to Elsa sometimes; who wouldn’t though?   
She huffed to herself and sped up, not wanting to put herself through those comparisons. Her new found self-belief wasn’t quite that strong yet and she didn’t want to kill it off before it had really gotten going.   
Rae’s mind turned to thoughts of Kenzie and Gary and Janice and Finn. That whole thing was a mess. Everything with her family seemed to have settled down while everything in Finn’s family was one huge mess.   
Rae got to the car and pulled her keys out from her pocket. She unlocked the door and opened the back seat to try and find her jacket. She leaned into the car and sorted through all the junk they’d thrown on the back seat.   
“Ugh,” She mumbled to herself, “Gotta clean this shite.” She chastised herself for letting her baby get this messy before finally finding her jacket. She stood up, putting the jacket on gratefully, her mind still on Kenzie when a hand closed around her mouth.  
Rae pulled away from the hand violently, a scream in her throat, but his other hand wrapped around her front, his hand ending up between her breasts, pulling her back into him violently.  
Fear took over Rae and she felt paralysed, rooted to the spot, memories of everything he’d done to her flooding her mind, crowding out the training Rhys and Finn had tirelessly drilled into her.   
She could feel his breath on her neck, his lips at her ear.  
“Gotcha.” 

 

 

‘Nothingness and Pork’ is an artwork by my sister Seon https://twitter.com/say_cici , and also her excellent advice to me recently when I was miserable. 

Thanks to Alyssa for finding Raymundo’s  
http://chicadificil.tumblr.com/post/83551517754/audreyoppar-thewhileloop-blue-green-look-what-i   
http://chicadificil.tumblr.com/post/83461323083

McCay information and coat of arms http://www.houseofnames.com/mccay-coat-of-arms 

All stories about Egypt are based off the time my ex-husband and I went to Egypt in 2004; wrong year I know, but too bad.


	10. Chapter 6 - Unexpected (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the sixth episode 
> 
> This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 1.
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> ps - emus are awesome :D
> 
> cheers m'dears xo

 

 

_‘Breed’ by Nirvana_

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNYgNpAX__M>

 

Rae had always hoped that she would forget the way Saul felt pressed against her back.

She had always hoped that she would forget the way he smelled… The way his voice sounded.

But she never would.

She knew now that no matter how long she lived, she would remember him.

And as she heard that single word ‘gotcha’ creep lecherously from his lips to her ear every single thing that Rhys and Finn and Tom, and even Chop had said to her about fighting suddenly returned to her.  Because she remembered Saul so perfectly…

She slammed her heel down on to his foot, and when he grunted in surprised pain and his arms loosened around her, she twisted herself violently.  And with the twisting motion, she bought her elbow up viciously, slamming it into his jaw.  His head rocked sideways and Rae freed herself from his grasp.  She turned around to him, bent double, swearing and muttering, and raised her foot in a long fluid arc, connecting with his chin.  The kick sent him reeling backwards on his arse and Rae stood back triumphantly, looking down at him with disgust as he lay flat on his back.

“The fuck you doing?” 

“You’re fucking asking me that?”  Rae asked angrily, “You just fucking attacked me from behind!”

“I were just fuckin’ messin’ with you Rae!”  He hollered indignantly.

“Bullshit Simmy,” Rae’s eyes flashed with real vitriol, “Finn told me what you said; that you was gonna come after me to fuck him up.”  Simmy scooted back and sat up slightly.  She had known it wasn’t Saul the minute she heard his voice.  The fear had left her, and anger had taken over. 

“That fucker ruined my fucking life!”  Simmy spat the words angrily.

“No, you ruined your fucking life Simmy, by being a fucking homophobic cunt!”  Simmy looked at Rae as if she had said something unprecedented.

“But Finn-”

“But Finn nothing!”  Rae snarked.  “Why do even hate Archie?  Why does it even matter to you that he’s gay?”

“It’s not fucking natural.  They fucking take it up the arse.  It’s fucking disgusting.”  Simmy said the words with a sneer and Rae had to resist the urge to kick him.

“Whether it’s natural or no, what does it matter to you?  It’s not like someone being fucked in the arse makes any difference to your life.”  Rae was bewildered by Simmy’s hate.

“What if he wants to… You know… Fuck me in the arse?”  Rae stared at Simmy for a long while unable to even comprehend Simmy’s train of thought.

“What makes you think any gay man wants to fuck you Simmy?”  Rae shook her head.

“Why wouldn’t they?”  Rae was astounded that he asked this genuinely, as if he was some sort of gay magnet, “and I’m not into that.”

“No one’s asking you to be into it Simmy,” Rae told him, “We just want you to not treat other people like dirt.”

“I don’t want some fag hitting on me.”  Simmy answered aggressively as he stood up.

“Jesus fucking christ.”  Rae rolled her eyes so hard she literally felt a pain in the side of her eye.  “Why do you care if a gay man hits on you?  Just fucking say no…”  But even as she spoke, Rae realised what the true answer was.  “It’s cos you’re so used to feeling like you’re the top of the food chain, like you’re the shark and women are the prey.  And gay men are the new top of the food chain to you… You’re actually afraid that you’ll start getting treated the way you treat women.”  Rae looked at Simmy with disgust, “you’re fucking pathetic.”  She turned and locked the car, her ears straining for any sound of movement from Simmy.

“Hey fuck you, you fat bitch!”

“Yeah, I’m a fat bitch, but I’m a fat bitch with friends.  Which is a fuck load more than you’ve got.”  She barged past him, her shoulder slamming into his and headed back towards the studio, desperately trying not to rub her shoulder as it sang out in pain from the ill thought out shoulder barge.  She heard nothing else from Simmy, no footsteps behind her, no angry words yelled out.  Simmy obviously had nothing else to say to her, and Rae certainly had nothing else to say to him.

 

 

When Rae got back to the studio, Finn was just opening the door on his way to search for her, a panicked expression on his face.

“Where’d you get to?”  His relief only half masked the obvious fear he felt.

“I just went to get a jacket.”  Rae shrugged, “were you coming to find me?”  He nodded and Rae gave him a bemused grin, “what about your show Finn?”

“Oh I put some prog rock on, it’s like fucking 15 minutes long, or some shite.”  He pulled her into the warmth of the studio and looked her up and down carefully, “are you sure you’re alright girl?”

“I might have had a bit of a run in with Simmy…” There was a moment of silence while Finn couldn’t quite understand what she had said, and then a kind of fury lit up his eyes.

“Did he touch you?”  Finn’s hand went to her face and gently stroked her skin.

“Well, I guess he tried to…” Rae answered reluctantly, “but he didn’t get far, because I kicked the shit out of him.”  She grinned momentarily, and then her face fell, “well, maybe not the shit out of him, but I did hurt him.”  The anger in Finn’s eyes settled slightly, and a small grin touched the corner of his mouth.

“I bet he was sorry he messed with you.”  Finn sounded positively delighted that Rae had handled Simmy with so much ease; there wasn’t even a mark on her, other than looking slightly piqued, she appeared completely unaffected.

“I just wish I’d thought to tell him that everyone in the gang could kick his arse, cos I’d really like him to just fuck off, you know what I mean?”

“Aye, I do know what you mean.”  He put an arm around her shoulders and ushered her back towards the studio, “and I thought we agreed, that you were gonna try to not go off by yourself?”

“Aye, I know.”  Rae answered guiltily.  But she pouted her bottom lip and Finn found himself grinning at her mischievousness.  But he stopped himself, and put on a stern face.

“I mean it Rae, we both know that it’s safer for you to not be alone as much as possible.”  He reasoned with her.

“And you have no arguments from me, Mr Earl.”  Rae answered, “I honestly just forget sometimes.  Which in one regard is a good thing,” she explained, “because it means that Saul didn’t manage to completely traumatise me.”  Rae finished with an earnest face.  “But, it’s also a bad thing… Cos he’s still a danger…” She conceded, and Finn kissed her temple gently.

“You’re gonna have’ta tell me everything that happened with Simmy.”  Finn was in no mood to chastise her about going out alone when she had just been attacked, and in reality she should be able to go outside whenever she wanted without fear.  He truly hated that Saul had curtailed her freedom so much.  And besides, he was looking forward to hearing a story that involved Simmy getting his arse kicked.

Finn took her hand and guided her back into the studio, and in a not so subtle move, sat her down beside him, giving her an immutable look before putting his headphones on.  Rae gave him a contrite look and didn’t argue in the slightest, choosing to put her hand high on his thigh instead.  Finn looked down at her hand, as it rose up his thigh and then checked how long was left on the track; only a minute.

“What’re you doing girl?”  He asked with a cheeky grin.  Rae had started to unzip Finn’s fly, and she slid from her chair, kneeling before him, as he leaned back in his chair with an appreciative grin.  She’d become an expert at getting his cock out of his pants easily; sometimes she managed to get him out quicker than he could get himself out.  Finn marvelled at not only the skill she had, but especially at the nerve; she was getting far more daring, and he liked it.  He looked over his shoulder at the glass wall into the producers office and then back down at Rae as she took his semi–erect cock into her mouth.  He groaned deeply as the blood rushed into his growing cock and darted his eyes back to the timer on the track.  In just under 30 seconds, he’d have to go live to air to tell everyone the name of the track and the name of the next one, while Rae was sucking his dick with incredible skill and vigour… He’d manage; it wasn’t the first time she’d made him do it.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Song 2’ by Blur _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSbBvKaM6sk>

 

The party was already in full swing by the time Rae and Finn got there.  Izzy had again made a rainbow of jelly totsies, but the lack of Tom and Archie had put a definite dampener on everyone’s spirits, even though the party was meant to be for Chloe’s birthday.

“What the fuck was that fucking prog rock shit?”  Chop was not a fan of the genre and he sneered at Finn as if he had been betrayed by Finn playing a prog rock track on his show.

“You guys was listening?”  Finn asked with a cheeky grin.

“Course we fucking were!”  Chop answered huffily.  “So why the fuck did I have to listen to 15 minutes of-”

“Simmy attacked Rae.”  Finn answered simply and all eyes turned to Rae.  She shrugged and sat down while she picked up a jelly vodka shot.

“Yeah, well, he told us he was coming after us, what he didn’t tell us is that he is shit at being the terrifying bad guy he wishes he was.”  Rae said with a cheeky grin, “it was far too easy to kick his arse.”  This was met with a general happiness that can only come from a group of friends that had suffered too many attacks from bad people.  Rhys of course was instantly interested in how the fight had played out and Rae had to give him a blow by blow description, from the moment Simmy grabbed her to the moment she put him on the ground.

“Situational awareness.”  Rhys muttered to himself thinking of all the things he still had to train them, he added this to multiple attackers and how to take a punch, “And mental preparedness… freezing at the moment of attack could cost you your life.”

“Aye, I do realise that.”  Rae answered, “Had it been Saul instead of Simmy, he’d have had me.”

“Saul’s a lot tougher too.”  Finn answered, “Neither of them are particularly good fighters, but Saul takes a lot more effort to put down than Simmy.”  Rae felt her stomach drop.  She had felt happy that she beat Simmy, it had given her hope that she could defend herself against Saul. 

“Noted.”  Rhys answered seriously. 

“Fuck, Archie’s gonna kill that fucker.”  Chop shook his head with a gleeful smile at that thought.

“Anyway.”  Rae tried to hide the nerves she now felt about Saul, “Are we celebrating Chloe’s birthday or not?” 

“But I’m worried about you babe.”  Chloe’s brows were furrowed, “getting attacked from behind like Saul did…”

“Aye.”  Rae said tightly.  “It were pretty shite.”  She held up a jelly totsie, “So let’s not dwell on it, yeah?”  She sucked down the jelly vodka and Chloe nodded her head slowly, acquiescing to her best friend’s needs. 

They settled into drinking; not too heavily; the news about Simmy had put everyone into a retrospective mood and when Izzy had proposed that the lads went to their usual room with the Foosball machine Chop had looked at her as if he thought Simmy would jump out from under the lounge and attack her. 

Nonetheless, the boys traipsed through to the Foosball table and the girls gathered onto the couch happily, ready to get down to the nitty gritty.  It was time for their weekly sex talk; always on a weekend, because this was not a talk they wanted to have at school.

“It’s your birthday Chloe, you get to go first!”  Izzy grinned as she grabbed some food and sniffled slightly; the flu still lingering, but her spirits were high nonetheless. 

“I tied Rhys down and tested his self control.”  Chloe grinned, “I remember you said that Finn always pulls on his restraints when you tie him,” She said to Rae, “And he’s broken ‘em?”

“Aye.”  Rae nodded happily.

“I’m gonna push Rhys to that.”  Chloe said with an excited grin.

“Good fucking luck!”  Rae shook her head, “The man’s got patience and resolve to put a fucking nun to shame.”

“Plus he wouldn’t’ wanna do that Chlo, in case it were violent… you know?”  Izzy added thinking about how careful Rhys was with Chloe because she was a survivor.  But Chloe shook her head.

“I told him it’s what I wanted, but to not make it easy on me.” Chloe grinned.  “See that’s the key… communication.”  She said with a knowing wink to Izzy, “He’s up to do pretty much anything if we talk about it beforehand and set the rules and boundaries and stuff.”

“Doesn’t that ruin the mood?”  Izzy scrunched her nose slightly.

“No.”  Chloe said, “Really not.”  Chloe supposed that as a survivor talking through what you wanted and getting proper consent was especially important to her, but she couldn’t see why it wouldn’t work for anyone else.

“When I do that with Finn it kinda heightens the excitement, cos you’re anticipating what’s to come… And sometimes we kinda feed off each other, you know, giving each other ideas!” 

“Yeah that’s happened to us too!”  Chloe grinned. 

“I don’t suppose Chop and I are doing anything that requires a talk beforehand…”  Izzy considered, “Although we did have anal sex and I did talk to him about that beforehand.  But that didn’t increase the excitement for me; I were too focussed on making sure he understood everything I were saying.”

“What?”  Rae asked surprised. 

“You guys had anal?”  Chloe asked with an equally surprised expression.

“I don’t know what you’re looking at me like that for, I told you I was wanting to do it.”

“Yeah but saying it and doing it are different things Iz!”  Chloe exclaimed, “I wanna kill Ian, but I’m fairly certain I’ll never do it.”

“That’s a fucking shame that is.”  Rae said with a straight face and Chloe gave her a fond grin.  Rae turned her eyes to Izzy, “So what were it like?” 

“I actually really liked it!”  Izzy bit her bottom lip in excitement and Chloe looked at her was surprise.

“Liked it how?”  Chloe asked.

“Well…” Izzy hesitated, obviously worrying what they might think.

“No Izzy you’re not a slut for liking it!”  Chloe caught the look on her face.

“Well, you just look so surprised…” Izzy explained.

“Well that’s just cos in my experience anal is better for them than it is for us.”  Chloe shrugged.

“Well,” Izzy answered, “I came from it…” Both Chloe and Rae’s jaws dropped and Izzy blushed.  “Don’t look at me like that!  The book said some women do!”  Izzy cried, blushing furiously.

“No Izzy!  I think it’s amazing that you did!”  Chloe explained supportively.  “I just… I never expected it… cos… Well, cos I never liked it that much…”

“Yeah but I’m not you Chlo…” Izzy shrugged, “it felt like it was rubbin’ me nice vagina bits, but from the other side…”

“Holy shit…” Rae muttered, and then a thousand questions popped into her head at the same time; “but did it hurt?  And weren’t you worried about, you know, poo?  And how much lube did you have to use?  And was it weird going in and out of there?”  Rae fired the questions off in rapid succession. 

“Well, I did worry about poo at first…” Izzy admitted, “but I guess it’s kind of the same as making sure you’ve got an empty stomach when you’re gonna deep throat ‘im…” She shrugged, “it’s just all preparation innit?”

“I s’pose…” Rea mumbled.

“And it were a bit hard getting it in at first…” Izzy answered thoughtfully.  “But he were going slow and we done some preparation, like the book said, beforehand.  So no, it didn’t hurt, but I imagine it would if it was done wrong.”  Rae stared at Izzy still unable to hide her bewildered surprise.  But she was encouraged by the fact that it was exactly what the book had said; if you do it right, it’ll be okay.  “We used heaps of lube!  I was so worried that it wouldn’t be enough, but Chop was even more worried!”  Izzy said with a fond grin, “and I guess at first it felt a little weird… Kinda like a poo wanting to…” Izzy looked at them and blushed, biting her bottom lip in embarrassment.

“Go in and out!”  Chloe laughed and Rae pulled a face of disgust as Izzy nodded her head.

“But once I got used to that, and I let myself just feel what it felt like… It was really nice.”  Izzy bit her bottom lip again, “and it made me cum…” She shrugged.

“Holy shit Iz.”  Rae mumbled.

“And of course Chop’s real happy about it.”

“Of course he fucking is!”  Chloe laughed, “Total male fantasy, remember?”

“Oh yes!”  Izzy laughed and turned to Rae, “so when are you gonna get it girl?”

“Um… Eventually…” Rae shrugged, “we’re kinda taking our time with that one…”

“Fair enough.”  Chloe responded with an understanding tone, “I’m not sure Rhys is ever gonna get up there!”  Chloe laughed.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t let him up my arse either!”  Izzy laughed.

“I dunno though, cos he has fucked a lot of people with that giant cock of his… He knows how to make it feel good… He’s never hurt me, so I don’t imagine he would, even if we did do anal…” Chloe considered this, “although sometimes I really do wonder how the hell he gets it in me!”  Chloe laughed.

“Length of your forearm…” Izzy marvelled.

“I can’t get over Tom dislocating his fucking jaw…” Rae shook her head, “I mean I thought Finn was fucking big, but seriously Chloe, what were you thinking!”  Rae joked.

“Yes, next time choose a man with a more sensible sized penis!”  Izzy joined in on the joke.

“I’ll do my best girls!”  Chloe laughed.  This had been a great week.  Her 18th birthday had seen her receive a £10,000 bank account from her parents and grandparents, a week in Paris in the October holidays from Rhys, a sexy hamper from Izzy and Rae with everything in it from lingerie to vibrators to rope, Chop and Finn had put in together to get the sound system on her car fixed and for it to get an electric purple paint job.  Tom had said that his and Archie’s present would be given to her when they got back from overseas, but Archie had given her a bottle of her favourite perfume as a little something to tide her over until her real present came.  And now she had to have a lovely weekend with her friends, her second family to truly celebrate.

“So do you think there will be a next time then?”  Izzy asked curiously.

“D’you know girls, I don’t think there will be…” Chloe said quietly.  “I mean, I’ll fuck lots of other people, but I don’t think I’ll start a relationship with anyone else again.”  She shook her head slowly, “how could anyone compare to him?”  She asked honestly.  “I just think that there’s no one else on this planet that could ever love me like he does.”  She gave a small satisfied smile, “and I know I’ll never love anyone like I love him.”  Rae was struck by the look in her eyes and understood just how deeply Chloe was in love with Rhys.

“So even though you love each other, you’re not gonna become monogamous?”  Izzy asked with a slightly confused tone.

“No, I don’t think we will.”  Chloe shrugged, “it doesn’t really suit Rhys,” she answered thoughtfully, “and the more I get to know myself, the more I realise it doesn’t really suit me.”

“Yeah, but that means…” Izzy stopped herself.

“That he might fuck other people too?”  Chloe asked, slightly sarcastically, “yeah, I realise it’s not just me that gets to fuck around.  And he’ll probably have a go at it too.”  She shrugged again, “you know I think I’m okay with that.”

“Even if it’s Elsa?”  Izzy asked surprised.  Rae was particularly interested in this question, because she knew that in time, it might be a question asked of her relationship with Finn.

“Even Elsa.”  Chloe grinned.  “I think people are most scared about their partners leaving them.”  Chloe explained, “Most people don’t want to be alone.  So I think people try to stop their partners from having feelings for other people just in case they leave you for them.  But I’m not worried about that.”

“But what if he does fall in love with her?”  Rae almost whispered the question.

“Well, he already does love her.”  Chloe answered, “So I don’t see how anything would change, other than I’m not asking him to deny a part of himself.  And if he falls more in love with her, then he does.”  She shrugged nonchalantly, “we’ve made a commitment to each other to try to make our relationship last, and since neither of us have a problem with us seeing other people, it’s not like he’ll have to ever make a choice.  He’ll just get to love us both.”  Rae thought about this for a while.

“But don’t you want him to love only you?”  Izzy asked.

“God, no!  Why would I want that Izzy?”  Chloe shook her head, “I love so many people… He’s just the one that I decided to face the world with.  That doesn’t stop me from loving other people, or wanting other people, or even fucking other people.”

“So if love doesn’t mean those things, what does it mean?”  Izzy asked.

“It means we got each other’s backs.”  Chloe said with a grin, “it means we’ll always put each other first, and make sure we’re there for each other in the dark of the night.”

“Yeah, but what if he’s fucking Elsa in the dark of the night?”  Rae asked, trying not to think of Finn and herself in this scenario.

“That’s why communication is so important.”  Chloe nodded her head sagely, “so that we’re never off with someone else when we need to be with our primary partner.”

“You make it sound so easy Chlo.”  Izzy mumbled.

“I don’t know if it’s easy, it’s just right for us.”  Chloe shrugged again, “I don’t think I’ll ever want a monogamous relationship again.”

“Go’, you’re so brave Chlo.”  Izzy marvelled, “I’d always be afraid he’d find someone better than me.”

“Well, if he finds someone better than me,” Chloe thought about what Rhys had said to her, and understood him perfectly, “then he should be with them.”  She shrugged, “I really want for both of us to be happy, and we’re both really good at bringing happiness to each other.  I’ve never felt more loved or more secure in any other relationship in me entire life Iz.”  Chloe said honestly, “so I don’t think it’s brave to have an open relationship with Rhys, because I know exactly where I stand with him.  I know exactly how he feels, he tells me in everything he does.”  Chloe thought about the boxing gloves that had appeared in his third bedroom without comment from him.  “And he doesn’t keep his feelings for other people secret.  And he’s not so stupid as to think that the slightest emotion he has for someone else, must mean he loves them and needs to be with them instead of me… If he gets feelings for someone else, we’ll discuss them, and I’m certainly not going to stop him from seeing that person.”

“You know, sometimes I think feelings for other people grow stronger simply because we can’t have them.”  Izzy suggested supportively, “you know the whole forbidden fruit thing?  You want it more because you can’t have it.”

“I suppose it’s possible…” Chloe thought about it and then nodded her head, “when I thought I would have to choose between Rhys and exploring my desire to have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, the urge to fuck around was much greater than it is now…” Chloe admitted, “now that I know that I don’t have to choose, I find myself able to slow down and think about it, instead of rushing in and having sex before it’s taken from me.  And because I already have Rhys, I find myself evaluating any other man I might sleep with far more sternly, instead of just getting with them because I’m afraid of being alone.  It means I’m making better decisions in that regard.”  She shrugged, “I thought I’d be fucking dozens of men a week, but it’s only been a few other men in the whole time I’ve been with Rhys.  I’m actually more intrigued by the idea of having sex with women now…” She grinned at the look Izzy gave her and noticed Rae slowly nodded her head as if understanding, “I just feel like, for me, when nothing is forbidden, I’m able to make better decisions, because I know there’s time to try out everything if I want to.”

“I think I’d be a kid in a candy store,” Izzy said thoughtfully, “just grabbing and taking everything and not stopping until I was sick!”

“No, but I don’t think you would be Iz,” Rae countered softly, “I think all three of us girls would be very sensible with that kind of freedom.”  Izzy thought about it for a while and then nodded her head.

“Sometimes I feel there are so many different things I want to try, that I could end up fucking a million men…” She looked at Rae and Chloe for any signs of them thinking she was a slut, but they nodded sympathetically.  “But in reality, I probably only want, a couple of really good lovers that knew how to push my buttons right.”

“It sounds so good…” Rae admitted, and her brain turned to Phil momentarily before she forced herself to not think that way, “but I like the special relationship Finn and I have.”

“It doesn’t lessen the special relationship Rhys and I have.”  Chloe answered, “I mean he has a special relationship with Elsa, but that doesn’t lessen what he has with me.”  Rae thought about this for a moment and shrugged uncomfortably; she was the one who chosen monogamy with Finn, and she was going to stick with that, no matter how much she also wanted to be with Phil.

“I guess I just like how there is no one else involved with us, how we’ve just got each other.”  Rae answered softly.

“Well, there’s no one else involved in Rhys and I‘s relationship either,” Chloe countered, “even if we chose to have a threesome or something like that, it would be a momentary thing, we would always be the primary relationship.”  She eyed Rae suspiciously, “what, do you think there’s just always another person with Rhys and I?”  She asked, “Because that is not the case, not even, what’s the word?”  She thought for a moment, “metaphorically…” She said, “When Rhys is with me, he is 100% with me.  He’s not thinking about Elsa or anyone else.  There is no one else in our primary relationship, Rae, it’s just us… We just occasionally have a play with someone else.  That’s all.”  She shrugged nonchalantly, knowing that Rae and Izzy may never understand, but also knowing they would never judge her for it.  “And sometimes the people we play with are people we care about too, it doesn’t lessen how much we love each other.”  Chloe saw a type of understanding in Rae’s eyes that she had not expected to see and she instantly knew that Rae was thinking about Phillip.  “But it looks like you know exactly what I’m talking about Rae…”  Chloe prodded her best friend gently and Rae sighed and nodded slowly.

“Kinda.”  She said softly.  Izzy knew what Rae was talking about and put a hand supportively on Rae’s thigh.  “Alright…” Rae said slowly, almost reluctantly, but knowing it was for the best, “I wanna tell you girls, before it goes all round school, cos I bet it fucking will…” Rae paused, “I wanna tell you that… some stuff happened between Phil and me at the drama camp.”  Chloe’s jaw dropped slightly.  She hadn’t expected that something had actually happened.

“Oh my god.”  She whispered, “You cheated on Finn?”  She tried to not sound as shocked as she was.  An open relationship was one thing; that required communication and acceptance… cheating was an entirely different thing, and Chloe hadn’t believed that Rae had it in her.  Even after what had happened with Liam and Amy and Rae, Chloe blamed Liam for that kiss, not Rae.  Rae wasn’t a cheater. 

“No.”  Rae answered firmly.

“But you did do stuff with him?”  Izzy asked confused and Rae nodded.

“So how is that not cheating on Finn?”  Chloe asked confused.

“Finn organised for it to happen.”  Rae answered tentatively.  Chloe’s face was shocked; she hadn’t expected that from Finn, not with all of his jealousy, even if it had gotten better lately.  Izzy nodded her head slowly.  “Ok it’s not like…” Rae sighed frustrated, “that didn’t come out the right way… it’s not exactly how it sounds.”

“Then how is it?”  Chloe asked.

“Finn told Phil to take me out on a date and tell me how he feels about me… and then he told me that I could explore how I felt for Phillip… with no consequences and no questions asked…”

“I’m confused.”  Izzy answered, “So Finn doesn’t know stuff happened?”

“No, he does… just not what happened, exactly…”  Rae answered slowly but Chloe was grinning.

“He’s so in love with you!”  Chloe answered ecstatically.

“Which one of them?”  Izzy asked, a grin coming to her face.

“Oh both of them!”  Chloe answered with a huge grin, “So are you and Finn gonna open up your relationship then?”

“We decided not to for now.”  Rae answered slowly.

“Why?”  Chloe asked, almost outraged.

“For now?”  Izzy asked at the same time.

“Well I’m not ready for something like that, even though, I think Finn might be… and I might never be ready for it.”  Rae shrugged.

“But… Rae… I always thought you had feelings for Phil too?”  Izzy asked softly.  There was a silence as Rae looked down at her fingers.

“I do.”  She admitted.  “And part of me wants what you’ve got Chlo.”  Rae looked up at Chloe and then to Izzy, “ But it’s not right for us just yet… but I think that maybe one day it could be.  Or maybe it never will be… I kinda don’t mind… which is odd, I admit it.” 

“Fair enough.”  Chloe nodded her head slowly, “You gotta do what’s right for you babe.”

“So are you gonna tell Finn what happened?”  Izzy asked but Rae shook her head.

“Finn doesn’t want to know what we did, but he knows something happened.”

“And he’s alright with it?”  Chloe asked.

“Seems to be.”  Rae responded.

“I knew he loved you right proper like.”  Chloe said happily, “Cos he knows you and Phil have a connection, and he’s not wanting you to kill that part of yourself… that’s love that is.” 

“He says he wants to give me everything I need, and to make me happy.”  Rae suddenly grinned, “It is nice to know that he really means that… he’s not saying, ‘I’ll give you everything you need, within boundaries…’”  Rae answered and Chloe nodded, understanding what that felt like.  Izzy furrowed her brows and looked away momentarily, but was reminded that Chop easily forgave her kissing Peter once he understood what it was about.  He wanted to give her everything she needed too, he was backward about how he expressed it. 

“Most people only want to make you happy if what makes you happy is what makes themselves happy.”  Chloe agreed, “Same with needs.”  She added, “It’s so strange when you meet someone who actually means it.”  Chloe took Rae’s hand, “I’m so glad you met Finn, cos I think you bring out the best in each other… and you both allow each other to grow and to really be happy and have what you need… I’m so happy for both of you.”

“You’re acting like we’re getting married Chlo!”  Rae laughed.

“Oh, same thing!”  She shook her head, “No better!”  She changed her mind, “What Finn has done for you here with Phil is a more real declaration of love than half of the marriage vows said in this flippin’ country every year.”  She asserted.

“I agree.”  Izzy said simply when Rae turned her eyes to her, “Just look at the divorce rate… obviously half of them didn’t mean their vows.” 

“Can’t argue with that logic!”  Rae laughed.  And then noticed the curious looks she was getting from Chloe and Izzy.  “What?”

“Well you can’t leave it at that… you know that right?”  Chloe said with a cheeky grin.

“Yeah… you can’t just say ‘stuff happened’ and not tell us exactly what happened.”  Izzy joined Chloe. 

“Yeah, like… did he go down…” Chloe grinned, “I know how you enjoy that…”

“Did he make you cum?”  Izzy asked eagerly, “Did you fuck?”  Rae sighed and looked over at the door to the kitchen; Finn had been clear that he didn’t want the gory details… but if the girls were asking…

“Alright… well the real action happened on Tuesday.”  Rae said very softly, “But it all began on Sunday night…”  She watched Izzy and Chloe lean in closer and grinned; she decided that she was going to tell them everything that had happened at the drama camp, even the stuff that had happened as they lay in the bed on Tuesday night, the stuff she had thought she’d never tell anyone about. 

 

 

“Fuck it’s weird not having Archer here.”  Chop sunk into the bean bag and looked over at Rhys, “Although having this splendid fucker about ain’t too bad at all.”  He added with a grin.

“Time to get Rhys really fucking drunk!”  Finn laughed.

“Oh right?”  Rhys chuckled.

“Cos you said you’re a fucking bragger when you’re drunk!”  Chop handed him a jelly totsie, “get some o’ that into you lad!”

“Alright then.”  Rhys shook his head and sucked down the jelly totsie, “Izzy makes ‘em strong!”  He laughed and Chop and Finn nodded their heads knowingly.  “But rules…” Rhys suddenly said, “I won’t be bragging about Chloe.”

“Why the fuck not?”  Chop asked before having a jelly totsie of his own.

“I won’t brag about Chloe rediscovering sex after…” He stopped and gave them both a face that indicated he really shouldn’t have to say this and both of them nodded their heads.

“Ayup,” Chop nodded, “Seems reasonable.”  And then his eyes turned to Finn and a huge grin lit up his face.  “You’re not gonna believe what happened to me last night laddy.”  He grinned and Finn grinned back.

“I’ve got some stuff to tell too.”  He touched his thighs through his jeans and felt the sting of the cane marks, he so wished Archie or Tom was here to talk to about it.  But Rhys would be good with it, and Chop would enjoy the confident Rae stuff, if not the caning stuff. 

“Me first!”  Chop said with a grin that made Finn narrow his eyes. 

“What’s happened?”  He asked and Rhys watched the two younger men with an amused expression. 

“Izzy got herself a book.”  Chop nodded and keep grinning that far-too-satisfied grin.  Finn furrowed his brows.

“So did Rae…”  He suddenly realised.  “You talking ‘bout the anal sex book?”  Finn asked and Chop nodded.  Rhys looked at the ceiling for a moment.  The last time he’d had a big talk with friends about women, it had been with Jae, Deepak and Talat and it had been about the fundamental role of women in various religions.  Rhys had argued that as men, it was not their place to answer this question, and Talat had appealed to a higher authority for the answer.  He looked back at Finn and Chop, anal sex and sex in general was no less worthy a topic… but the differences in his two groups of friends were sometimes so stark it surprised him.  He truly was a very flexible man. 

“Aye that’s the book!”  Chop grinned.

“I been reading through it with Rae.”  Finn added and Chop nodded his head.

“So, last night… Ms Isabella Reid, cool as you like, shows me this book for the first time… tells me to read a few marked passages, and then demands… demands Finn… that we try anal sex immediately.”  Chop said it as calmly as he could, trying to keep the grin off his face.

“Holy fuck.” Finn said with a grin. “So it happened.”

“Fuck yes it happened!”  Chop practically burst with excitement and Finn sat forward in his bean bag.

“What was it like?  Did it hurt her?”  Finn asked urgently.

“It were quite good!”  Chop answered happy to have something over Finn, it had been a while since he’d been able to school Finn in anything sexual, “And it didn’t hurt her… well getting it in were a bit tricky, but she came from it!  I weren’t fingering her vag or anything… she just came from it up the bum.”  Chop looked happily stunned. 

“Aye but you had a good experience with that too.”  Finn wondered why Chop looked so surprised by Izzy’s pleasure when he himself had had an amazing orgasm due to anal play. 

“Yeah but I got a prostate gland, she don’t.”  Chop said with a sage nod. 

“It is rare for women to orgasm from only anal simulation.”  Rhys added, “But I have seen-”

“Of course you have!”  Chop snarked and shook his head, “You’ve done fucking everything!”  Rhys furrowed his brows momentarily and shrugged.

“Not everything.  But a lot of stuff.” 

“Have another fucking drink.”  Chop handed Rhys a bottle of gin and a glass, “get that in you.” 

“Tom’s the gin drinker you know.”  Rhys said as he poured himself a large glass of gin. 

“Anyway.”  Chop said, “Back to me having actually had anal sex!”  He grinned at Finn, “That makes you last!”

“Aye it does.”  Finn shrugged, “But we’ll get there.” 

“Oh yeah?”  Chop asked and Finn nodded.

“We had a right proper chat about all of the sex stuff and she’s keen to slowly move towards doing it… I don’t mind taking my time.”  He grinned, “It kinda builds it up nicely.” 

“I s’pose it does.”  Chop agreed, “But give me Izzy’s surprise butt sex any day!” 

“That’s twice she’s surprised you with that kind o’ thing.”  Finn noted, “I think our Izzy is into a lot more than you thought.”

“I fucking think so too!”  Chop grinned.  “Drink up fucker.”  He handed Rhys two jelly totsies.  “Cos when I’m done hearing Finn’s stuff, I want some juicy details from you.”  Rhys cocked an eyebrow from him and chuckled as he started in on the jelly totsies.  He’d never really been one to party like this gang did, but he had no objection to joining in with these lads; they were good human beings, which was what Rhys required from people he bonded with.  It was depressingly rare to find good human beings though. 

“So what’s happening with you Finn?”  Rhys deflected the attention back onto the lads. 

“Well Rae has been so much more confident since she shagged Phil, she’s taking the lead most o’ the time now and I-”

“Wait!”  Chop exclaimed with a horrified face, “What?” 

“So she did do it?”  Rhys asked with a curious expression. 

“Well I don’t know for sure…” Finn answered, “But I think so.”  He shrugged.

“What?”  Chop asked, “What?”  He asked louder, “What’s with the fucking shrug?”  He shook his head, “No, you’re wrong Finn… Rae’s no cheater!”

“No she’s not.”  Finn agreed and Chop gave him a beautifully perplexed expression.

“So you think Rae’s self-esteem was boosted by her interaction with Phil?”  Rhys asked and Finn nodded.  “Makes sense.”  He mulled over Rae’s particular type of self-hatred. 

“Wait, how does it makes sense?”  Chop asked, “Why wouldn’t Finn’s… ‘interaction’ make her feel good about herself?”  He said the word interaction as if it were a euphemism for penis and Rhys grinned at Chop’s discomfiture.  “I mean what the fuck has Phil got that’s so fucking good?” 

“I don’t think it’s about Phil… I mean I know it is, but it’s not as well.  It’s more that she realised that if two good blokes can like her so much, there must be something good about her…”

“Why couldn’t she realise it just from you liking her?”  Chop asked confused.

“It’s not a reflection on me Chop!”  Finn could hear the tone in Chop’s voice; he wanted to come to the defence of Finn.  “There’s nothing wrong with me or Rae… there’s a whole lot wrong with the world though.”  He continued, “And I think Rae would’ve always needed a couple of examples of people being opposed to what the rest o’ the world had told her afore it all started to make her realise…”  Finn nodded slowly, “But I’m the one that gets to be with her.”  He grinned satisfied and then felt a little sorry for Phil. 

“The external world did the damage to her self-esteem.”  Rhys added, “So a few external sources have helped to partially restore it.”  He considered this for a moment, “A lot of people who fall outside the very narrow definition of beauty need a lot of reassurance that they are attractive.  Some people can manage to continuously receive that from their singular partner, but many cannot…”

“So Rae’s fucking around to feel pretty?”  Chop asked but Rhys shook his head.

“I believe the experience of having another person helped her gain some actual real self-esteem that resides within herself, rather than outside of herself.”

“She’s heaps more confident.”  Finn nodded.

“Does she need less constant reassurance about her attractiveness and your sexual interest in her?”  Finn considered Rhys’s question and nodded.

“Before the drama camp, I used to start us having sex; almost every time it were me initiating.  It were like she needed the reassurance that I was interested afore she could get into it.  Now, she starts it the most… When she wants it, she comes to me, knowing that I want her, not needing any sign from me that I’m keen… and the sex is definitely better…”  Finn’s eyes opened wide, “I mean it were brilliant before… but Rae with all this confidence… I can’t even find words for it…”  He grinned dopily and sighed happily, “But her wanting it so much and liking it all so much has made it loads easier for me to do whatever I want sexually, cos I’m not worried that she’s just doing it for me, or she’s not interested or whatever… her being more confident means that I’m less afraid of hurting her or of sexual exploration, cos she’s very, very vocal now about what she does and don’t want… and I fucking love that.”

“It’s quite liberating to be with a confident lover.”  Rhys nodded.

“Freeing.”  Finn agreed.

“So you’re actually alright with her fucking Phil?”

“Well I don’t know if she did or not, and I’m actually surprised with how much I don’t care.”  Finn answered, “Rae and I are so much stronger than being afraid of other people.  There’s a real special bond between us that is quite literally unbreakable.  In a thousand different worlds, different countries, different stories… we still would of found each other.”  Chop scrunched up his face.

“So if it’s so special between you two, why does she need someone else?  It just feels so impure, you know…?

“Are you saying pure as a euphemism for virginity?”  Rhys asked and Chop shrugged, not sure what he was saying.

“I guess maybe people think that having a special connection means that we both should have been virgins when we got together and never been touched by another person but I call bull shite on that.  She’s so much more to me than a body… than a vagina… than sex…”

“Of course she is!”  Chop answered, “But I just thought… I dunno… like she hadn’t had too many lads… like she were a virgin or almost a virgin when you got it…”  He shrugged, “I suppose it’s daft but I think of our three girls as pretty pure.” 

“Virginity and purity are such horrible social constructs.”  Rhys leaned back in his beanbag, it was odd to see the huge, serious man lounging in such a way. 

“What are you talking about… there’s always gonna be a first time you have sex.”  Chop scrunched up his face.

“Yes.”  Rhys nodded his head, “But the idea of virginity is tied up with a person’s worth, as is purity.  A woman is seen to be worth more if she hasn’t had sex… it degrades her down to being nothing more than her vagina.  Sex with multiple partners is seen as impure and slutty… but only in women, in men, it’s seen as a sign of being a real man.”

“Yeah I always wondered about that!”  Chop was catching on, “Who the fuck are we s’posed to be fucking if girls are s’posed to stay virgins?”

“The virginity myth also places complete emphasis on putting a penis in a vagina… making the man the most important part of a constraint placed on women.  Some lesbians never lose their virginity by this standard.  And oral sex doesn’t exist apparently… you have people having anal sex to avoid losing their virginity…”

“So do gay guys never lose their virginity then?”  Chop laughed.

“Course they do,” Finn shook his head, “Cos they still got to put their dick in something.”

“Women are judged by this virginity, or purity myth… they are judged as either a virgin or a whore.  Or a good woman or a bad woman… how can we judge a fellow human being as good or bad based on whether they’ve had sex rather than based on who they are?”  Rhys asked, “We do this because the woman is seen as an extension of the man; she is his partner, his wife, his.  And her worth is determined by the number of penises she’s had in her, she is not her own being, with her own agency or attributes… she is a vessel for man.”  He looked down at his drink, “our notion of what sex is, and what it can be has become very messed up by patriarchal standards that don’t see women as human beings.”

“So like I said before Chop, Rae can have whatever she needs… including sex.  I think that when we say we love someone and wanna give them what they need… we usually mean ‘as long as what they need is what I need’ and I don’t mean that.”  Finn said firmly, “I mean it when I say she can have whatever she needs.”

“Well obviously that’s awesome.”  Chop answered, “I just don’t understand why she needs Phil… you’re a top bloke.”

“Who cares why she needs Phil?  She just does.”  He shrugged, “And that doesn’t make me any less of a top bloke.”

“So is she with both of you now?”  Chop asked and Finn shook his head.

“She wants monogamy.  For now.”  Finn said, “I think she had something to learn from him and she’s feeling better now.  But she does have feelings for him, so who knows what the future holds.”

“And you’re alright with that?”

“I’d prefer monogamy, but-”

“So what you’re saying is, what she needs is more important than what you need?”  Chop asked with an unimpressed look.

“What I’m saying is what she needs is more important than what I want.”  Finn corrected, “What I need is more important than what she wants.”  He explained, “There’s a hierarchy here, needs come first.  Mutual happiness comes first.  And what I need most is Rae.  I need us to be together and to be happy.  Things that I want or would prefer are lower down in the hierarchy.”  Finn continued, “We’re a proper partnership; we communicate, we compromise, and we treat each other with love… the kind of love that puts each other’s needs first.” 

“We’re gonna have’ta have this conversation at least a dozen more times afore I get it.”  Chop shook his head. “Like I understand the sentiment and the love and needs bit… I just don’t get why that means she’s fucking Phil…”

“Why doesn’t it mean it?”  Rhys asked and both Finn and Chop looked at him, “We’ve all been raised on the purity myth… on romanticised ideals of what it is to be loved and to love.  Real love is pure, clean… white.”  He gave a sly grin that indicated they probably wouldn’t understand the racial undertones of that, “The moment we realise we’re in love it pierces our hearts and we all love that chase, the idea that this is the ‘one.’”  Rhys grimaced, “But the ‘one’ is such an awful idea… imagine if only one person could ever love you like you deserve… well not only are you worth more than that… but what if you never meet them, or you make a mistake…?”

“Fuck it up!”  Finn nodded his head slowly.

“But you think Rae’s the one.”  Chop countered Finn.

“Aye, she’s special… but we’ve both been loved by other people, and we both love other people… and we could both find happiness elsewhere.  That’s not a bad thing, it doesn’t lessen what we’ve got.  In fact it increases it, instead of her being the only one true option for me in a void of nothingness… she’s one of many that I could love and be happy with, but she’s the one that stands out the most, the one I choose to spend my life with every day.  And I’m the one she chooses every day.”

“Until she chooses Phil for a few hours.”  Chop said with a frown.  “I gotta be honest, I like the idea of there being no one else…”

“Romanticised rubbish.”  Rhys said unapologetically with a shrug.

“You saying Chloe isn’t special to you?”  Chop shot back.

“Of course she is.  But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other special people in my life.  You’re one of them Chop.  You’re just a different type of special to Chloe…”

“So what made you choose her over… me?”  Chop asked trying to get his point home that the person you’re in a relationship with is the only one.

“Are you really asking that Chop?”  Finn laughed and Chop nodded.

“How do you choose anything in life?”  Rhys asked, “She seemed right at the time, and as we spent time together, it became apparent that spending time with her brings me a great deal of happiness.  And I do feel very privileged to be spending time with her; she could spend her time however she wishes.  And yes, she is extraordinarily special to me.”  Rhys asked, “But she is not a thing Chop, her worth can’t be measure by who wants her, and whether she is in a relationship.  She is special regardless of that.”

“See!”  Chop went back to one of his earlier points, “So why does it give Rae worth to be with Phil?”

“It shouldn’t.”  Rhys answered sadly, “Ideally we would all know that we are worth more than what others think of us… but our world does a remarkably good job of tearing some of us down.”  Rhys looked to Finn.

“Like Rhys said, some external stuff helped her get a bit of internal stuff.”  Finn said, “it’s like… it’s like the world put a huge fucking hole in her chest right… and therapy… it cleaned the wound and disinfected it.  I were the stitches… and Phil, and even people like Mike… they’re the bandage over the wound.  It’s all just helping her heal.  Eventually, the only source of her self-worth will be from within, but she gotta heal first.”

“You always hear about girls fucking around and it fucks up their self-esteem.”  Chop said, confused again.

“Oh it can!”  Rhys answered, “For all genders.  If you’re being used for just your body, and are seen as worthless otherwise, it can be harmful if it’s not part of a specific, agreed upon kink.  Even if you’re not being degraded during the sex, attitudes to women who have sex are so negative it can impact on her self-esteem severely, even though the sex itself was good or fun… that’s not the sex’s fault, that society’s fault.  But it can also be very uplifting and fulfilling to have sex, even with complete strangers.” 

“And Rae didn’t fuck around, although, I’m not judging people who wanna do that… she has feelings for Phil.”

“Doesn’t that mess with you?”

“No.”  Finn shook his head, “You don’t get to choose who you have feelings for.”  He thought about Elsa and shrugged, “but you do get to choose what you do with your feelings.  And she chose.” 

“Chose to fuck Phil and then come back to you?”  Chop took a swig of his drink, still trying to get his head around it.

“Chose to explore her feelings for Phil in whatever way she needed, I actually don’t know if they fucked, remember?  And then, after fully understanding her feelings, she made a choice to be with me.”

“Right.”  Chop mulled it over.

“She could of chose both of us and I would’ve been alright with it.” 

“Are you fucking serious?”  Chop marvelled.

“I know!”  Finn laughed, “I’m not sure I fully understand it all Chop… but if she needs him, or anything… it’s not in me to deny her what she needs… I can’t do it.  And I feel…”  Finn considered how he felt for a moment, “so happy and complete, knowing that she’s getting everything she needs, no matter what it is, even if it’s hard for me.  And I find that it’s easier for me to get everything I need when I think like this.”  He added, “I were so angry all the time when I were basically trying to own her and be everything to her… but I’m so happy this way, I just feel calmer, like I can handle anything and it’ll be alright cos I love her and she loves me.  We’re gonna make real happy and fulfilling life together.”

“Well if it’s making you both happy, I’m not gonna fucking judge it.  But I don’t understand it.”  Chop shrugged. 

“We’re happy Chop.”  Finn told him, “And I’ve never felt more in love in me whole life… every day I fall more in love with her… and I just know we’ll get through anything and keep making each other happy cos we got this communication thing sorted and we love each other so much…”  Chop nodded slowly.

“Alright,” He conceded.  “Fuck our conversations are always more serious when you’re around!”  Chop said to Rhys and Rhys grinned and shrugged.  “And you’re the same as Finn is with Rae, with Chlo then?”  He asked and furrowed his brows when Rhys did not immediately reply.  After a moment a huge smile spread across Rhys’s face.

“Yes.”  He nodded, “I am the same.”  He suddenly got up, “I just need a moment.”  He left the kitchen, Finn and Chop scrambling to get up to follow him. 

The girls looked up as Rhys came in.

“Sorry to interrupt.”  He said softly, his eyes never leaving Chloe as he went to her and put his hands on her face, his eyes drawing in close to hers.  “I needed to come and tell you missy, that I am very deeply in love with you, and you make my life extraordinarily happy.”  Chloe felt a huge grin coming over her face as he spoke, “I would very much like to spend a lot more time with you.”

“I’d like that too.”  Chloe answered before kissing him.  Rae bit her bottom lip and grinned at Finn; she had said Rhys was slowly falling in love with Chloe, and to see this was wonderful.  Izzy covered her mouth and grinned happily, Finn and Chop looked on, surprised by Rhys’s openness. 

“If we continue to make each other happy in this way, I would very much like to spend many, many years with you Ms Chloe.”  He whispered and she nodded her head.  “Alright,” He grinned, “I have interrupted you long enough.”  He kissed her and stood up to leave, but she grabbed his hand.

“I’m in love with you too Rhys.”  She answered, “And I can’t see how you’d ever not make me happy.”  Chop and Finn watched the smile that alighted on Rhys’s face; the honour and joy he felt was palpable.  They kissed, Chloe standing up to kiss him deeper.

“Fuck it, he’s a better man than me.”  Chop shook his head.  Just the expression on Rhys’s face when Chloe had told him she felt the same, the way he had come to her to tell her immediately when he understood that his slow falling in love had reached a depth that required a deeper commitment from both of them, the uncomplicated happiness and obvious respect and love they shared for each other… Chop was beginning to think that maybe Rhys had been right all along. 

“No.”  Finn said softly, “We’re all different Chop… I doubt I’ll ever be as eloquent as he is, for example… but that don’t make him better than me.”  Finn grinned, finally finding that centre within himself, finding the ability to stop comparing himself to others in a judgemental way; it had brought him peace.  Finn shrugged and winked at Rae before clapping Chop on the back and motioning for him to come back into the Foosball room beside the kitchen. 

Rhys and Chloe stopped kissing, shared a lingering gaze and she told him to piss off with a grin.  He left the girls, laughing and already talking about what had just happened and re-joined the lads.

“Right lad.”  Chop said and handed him two jelly totsies, “How much fucking booze do you need before we start hearing stories about that fucking sex club?”  Rhys laughed and shook his head.

“None, what d’you wanna know?”  He asked merrily.

“Oh lad…” Chop grinned, “Fucking everything!” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I Love You More Than Words Can Say’ by Otis Redding _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlqQGkmL5ho>

 

Tom looked down at the hardboiled egg, hard piece of bread masquerading as toast with butter and jam.  But the thing that topped of this uninspiring breakfast was the black tea that was so sweet he could feel the diabetes forming in his blood as soon as it touched his lips.  It had been the same breakfast every morning, but they weren’t too fussed; there was usually some street stalls, and if not them, El-Abd bakery was 5 minutes away.  They had tried the local cuisines of Fuul, Ta’amiyya, shwarma, and kushari, but it was the juice joints and the bakery that had them both hooked.

“I’m definitely not gonna have a six pack at the end of this 3 months.”  He thought about heading to the bakery now and grinned at Archie.  Archie shrugged.

“I’m sure you’ll be just as adorable with a little bit o’ fat on your bones.”  Archie answered softly.

“Well we both know that.”  Tom answered and took a sip of the tea, grimacing as if it were strong alcohol.  “So what are we doing today?”  Tom asked as he peeled the egg slowly.  Archie had had them traipsing all over Cairo for the past 5 days, and to the outskirts, of course, where the pyramids were.  Tom had been enthralled, when he was younger he had decided he would either be a thespian or an Egyptologist, and when he realised that tourists were permitted inside the second largest pyramid, the pyramid of Khafre, he had felt like a small boy again, excited beyond reason. 

Mohammed, the receptionist’s cousin, had proven to be an invaluable friend on this journey.  The first day he had met them, he had taken them to the stepped pyramid, driving through winding backstreets and showing them the parts of Cairo the tourism board didn’t want tourists to see, and talking passionately about socialism and changing the Arab world for the better.  They had known Mohammed less than 2 hours when he had confronted them brusquely, accusing them of being lovers, not cousins.  They had, of course, denied it, but Mohammed had shrugged and told them he was gay, and that he’d take them to an underground gay club that night if they were interested.  They had very quickly learned that the conservative stereotypes of the Islamic world were completely wrong, and that homosexuality was very much practiced here in an odd sort of way; only the men who took it were considered gay.  Mohammed explained that even though the western press reported that being gay was illegal here, there was actually no part of Egyptian law that addressed homosexuality in anyway at all.  Although the public decency laws were sometimes used against gay men, mostly the police turned a blind eye to the tiny gay scene.  Mohammed said it wasn’t the law that made being gay dangerous or none existent in Egypt, but societal pressure and norms.  It was so strange, because so many Egyptian men held hands and linked arms, and even kissed each other, just as friends, but Tom and Archie still hesitated to touch each other too much, just in case they caused offence. 

Mohammed had gotten them into all sorts of places and was willing to come with them along all their Nile trips; he wouldn’t go to Siwa Oasis, he didn’t like to be that deep in the desert, he loved the Nile too much.  They had jumped at the chance to have this young man join them on their trip; he was knowledgeable and well connected with cousins everywhere and they paid him the daily fee he asked for without a question. 

They had gone to Memphis and Saqqara, to the Cairo museum, to Coptic Cairo, to the citadel and the Grand Mosque, to the grand bazaar… but they’d be heading back there on their last day in Egypt.  They had gone to a belly dance show, smoked apple flavoured tobacco from a hookah pipe while watching a traditional music show, gone to Mohammed’s place for dinner and to meet his extended family… in just a few days, they had both experienced more amazing things than they had in their whole life.  Memphis had been the first place they had felt genuinely worried by the guards with guns, when one of them had motioned for them to follow him into an abandoned area behind some statues.  He motioned with his hands the first time, but when they hesitated he motioned with his gun for them to follow.  So they had done so.  Only to discover another guard waiting behind the statues.  Archie had read all of the guide books multiple times, and it looked like they were probably going to be robbed… but then the one that had been waiting behind the statues offered to take a photo of them with the guards, holding their guns up, for a small payment.  They had of course agreed; who argues with two men with AK47s… but then Tom watched in bemused horror as Archie haggled aggressively over the cost of these photos.  It turned out that Archie was a great haggler; getting a decent price for things, but never demanding the lowest price because people’s lives depended on selling these things.

But the icing on the cake had been the sphinx and the pyramids of Giza.  Both of them had run around like stupid little boys and Mohammed had had to remind them to drink water.  Tom had gladly jumped up onto to a camel with no complaint for a photograph in front of the pyramids and had touched the stones of the largest one in silent awe.  Archie had been much the same.  When they had left the pyramids at Giza, Archie had seen Tom looking up at the biggest one, the grand pyramid of Cheops longingly; it wasn’t currently open to the public, the pyramids were opened on a rotating basis.  Seeing that look on Tom’s face put an idea in Archie’s mind; Mohammed had told him it was possible, and Archie had a surprise in store for Tom. 

But tonight was for the surprise, today was for Abu Sir; A bunch of pyramids, just north of Saqqara that were badly worn, falling apart and possibly devoid of tourists.  It said in Archie’s guide book that the site was open to the public but Mohammed seemed to think that it might not be. 

“You know, I really feel quite at home here.”  Tom said as they sauntered down the street toward the bakery.  “It’s strange, but the history, the human history… it’s just palpable in the air, and you feel like you’re a part of it… like we all came from here.”  Tom grinned, “And everyone here is living it… it feels like history is literally being made here, just by living here.” 

“Well Egypt has had so many discoveries made by a camel or a donkey putting their hoof through something I’m not surprised you can feel the history!  This country is literally built on it, more so than a lot of other countries I think.”  There was a wonderful mix of the new and old in Cairo, new, state of the art technology was all around them, but so was old colonial buildings, and even older still buildings, and of course, you could never forget the nearly 5,000 year old pyramids, visible from many parts of the largest city on the African continent. 

The bakery was as lively as ever and dozens of women were bustling behind the counters serving customers at a frenetic pace in the early morning heat and they lined up patiently, deciding what to get. 

After the easy going morning Mohammed bundled them into the backseat of his car and prepared to play guide again; talking all the way out to Abu Sir, explaining that these pyramids were not as old as the pyramids at Giza, but because their insides had been made of mudbrick, instead of the stone the other pyramids were made of, they had started to crumble, leaving a wonderful tumbledown, rambunctious set of ruins to explore that were often over looked in favour of their much older, much larger and far more intact siblings at Giza. 

After an hour of driving and history lessons, Archie grinned to see Tom not looking at all bored.  Partly Tom was on his best behaviour for Archie’s sake, but partly Tom just love Egypt and was super excited to be there.  No matter which part it was of Tom at any given moment that made his eyes sparkle with attention and excitement at any given moment, Archie didn’t mind; he was just so happy to have a partner as miraculous and loving as his Tom.  He never expected to find someone who’d listen to all this history stuff for him, with him, without falling asleep or looking bored.  He put his hand in Tom’s and Tom grinned at him.  Occasionally they would link arms in public; copying the locals, and no one seemed to notice.  But they were still careful and they made love silently every night, which had been eerie at first, but was oddly wonderful as they learned to practice this kind of self-control.  Archie learned to hurt Tom silently, and Tom learned how to take it without a sound.   It was amazing how people could adapt. 

They finally approached Abu Sir, but it was gated shut and two armed guards, dressed in white with AK47s guarded the entrance, eyeing them suspiciously.  But Mohammed jumped out of the car and went to talk to them, while people from the nearby shops and buildings came to peer at the westerners in the car.  Some children started climbing the nearby palm trees and Tom and Archie watched the dexterity and speed they possessed in awe.  They returned with fresh dates and knocked on the windows to the car cheerily offering to sell them to them.  Archie got out of the car, Tom following, and took some dates, offering up a few Egyptian pounds in return.  They leaned on the car, eating fresh, deliciously sweet dates and watched kids running and playing, Mohammed bargaining with the guards, money discreetly changing hands. 

When Mohammed returned to them, he shooed the children away who had returned with other things to sell and motioned for them to follow him.  One of the guards greeted them cheerily, the other one less so, but still welcoming as he opened the gates for them. 

It was an incredible experience, walking along the ancient road towards the ruined pyramids, no one in sight except for themselves, Mohammed and the two guards, now playing tour guide.  At one point they were all scrambling over the ruins towards an entrance to a mastaba and Archie realised what a dream come true this was, and he understood that he didn’t want to be a university lecturer in history, he wanted to be an archaeologist, uncovering sites like these… of course he’d probably have to lecture as well… but his heart belonged out in the field. 

 

 

They were in a hot and sweaty little restaurant for dinner.  Tom smelled the pit of his arms subtly and sighed, grimacing with disgust. 

“You coping with all this?”  Archie grinned, looking spectacular in all his grime and sweat.  It had been averaging 30 degrees Celsius every day since they’d gotten there, slightly above the October average.  It was crowded in many of the places they visited, and even when there were no crowds, there was no shade.  The end of the day always saw them sweaty, exhausted and dirty. 

“Surprisingly yes.”  Tom nodded and picked up his tea, his hand still on his hat where he’d rested it on the table.  Perhaps Archie’s favourite Tom moment had been at the end of their first day.  After a full day of the sun belting down on them Tom had flat out refused to go anywhere until he bought himself a large brimmed hat; there was no way he was letting his beautiful face be aged by the sun.  Archie had led him to Khan al-Khalili: the grand bazaar.  And three hours later he’d walked out with a dozen things; none of them a hat.  But Archie had picked one up for Tom while he was taken by various little knick-knacks and wonderful store owners offering sweet tea and bargains.  It was a straw hat and Tom had loathed it until he’d put it on his head the next day; the sun was off his skin, but his head could still breathe and not get clammy and overly-sweaty and he could easily scrunch it up and throw it in his bag.  The hat was a winner.

“You look magnificent when you’re all hot and sweaty.”  Archie told him in a low voice and Tom grinned like a Cheshire cat. 

“Do I now?” 

“I’ve got a surprise for you Tomas.”  Archie didn’t answer Tom’s cheeky grin; they both knew he always looked good.  

“I do like your surprises!” 

 

 

Mohammed drove them to a plateau overlooking the pyramids; how far in the distance the pyramids were was apparent when buses of people driving up for the light and sound show looked very small.  They sat together, drinking champagne that Mohammed had bought from the Nile Hilton, a hotel with a liquor licence, Tom joking that at least he got something from the Nile Hilton.  They watched the sun set in near seclusion, Mohammed reading a book in the car, a little down the road, watching for anyone coming to interrupt his clients, his new friends.  Tom took dozens of pictures, including one of them kissing in front of the pyramids at sunset. 

“This was an incredibly romantic date.”  Tom said as they watched the light and sound show from the plateau; the pyramids and sphinx lit up beautifully, though sometimes it was a little cheesy. 

“It’s not over yet.”  Archie told him with a huge grin.

“What have you got planned?”  Tom realised that this wasn’t even the actual surprise; it was only a precursor.  As if on cue Mohammed honked his horn twice and Archie stood up, extending his hand to Tom.

“You’ll see.”

 

 

They had been driving for a while, before Tom realised they were heading toward the pyramids.  They got to the closed ticket booths and a man stood there, looking around carefully, two guards were off in the distance.  Mohammed spoke softly to the man at the ticket booth.  He produced two electric lanterns and handed them to Tom and Archie, speaking to Mohammed the whole time in Arabic before handing him some keys.  Tom looked at Archie, confused, as they were let through the barriers in to the pyramids.  Mohammed guided them in the darkness, their lanterns not yet turned on, towards the grand pyramid of Cheops and Tom suddenly gasped as he understood what was happening. 

“We’re going inside?”  He asked and Archie nodded. 

“Of course we are; you really wanted to.”  Tom took Archie’s hand, a huge grin on his face and tears in his eyes; no one had ever gone to so much trouble for him before. 

“How many people did you have to bribe for this?”  He asked softly.

“Eleven.”  Mohammed answered softly, “Very tricky business.”  Tom squeezed Archie’s hand and felt a surge of love sweep through him. 

When they reached the base of the pyramid, Tom again put his hand on it.

“I can’t believe they let us all just touch this 5,000 year old piece o’ perfection.”  Tom marvelled as he ran his hands along the stone.  He had done that earlier in the week too; excited to even touch the largest pyramid.  But now, as they began to climb up the rough-hewn stairs to the entrance way, his heart slammed in his chest with excitement.  “I can’t believe you planned this for me.”  He mumbled, feeling choked up, and Archie reached back to him and took his hand as they walked in single file up the face of the great pyramid. 

When they got to a metal door in the side of the pyramid, Mohammed unlocked the door and handed the keys to Tom and Archie.

“You have one hour, lock the door after you, no photos inside, be quiet and respectful, don’t go down the descending passage, leave the place the way you found it, bring the keys back to me, don’t use the lanterns outside of the pyramid, and I’ll be waiting in the car ok?”  He patted Tom on the back and gave Archie a knowing grin before he headed back down the stairs.  Archie pulled the door closed and locked it, leaving them in complete darkness.  They fumbled and lit up their lanterns, waking in single file through the cut out hole in the side of the pyramid.  When they reached the first chamber they made their lanterns brighter and looked in awe at the high vaulted ceiling.

“Look at the graffiti.”  Archie touched the walls and saw inscriptions, hundreds of years old, some from Roman legionnaires. 

“Holy shit.”  Tom marvelled, but Archie took his hand and dragged him towards two gangplanks leading upwards towards the heart of the pyramid. 

It was a hard climb, part of it done bent over double, in absolute still air.  Archie had thought he understood what still air was like from days spent in the library pouring over his history books, but this was utterly still like nothing he had experienced before.  It was like air forgot to breathe in here, but when they came to the burial chamber, the base of the sarcophagi in situ, you could almost feel the pyramid itself breathing.  Archie ran his fingers along the smooth marble-like walls, Tom, doing the same, a look of awe on his face. 

“How the fuck did they build this?”  Tom marvelled in the utter stillness. 

“Tonnes and tonnes of a 5,000 year old building above our heads.”  Archie grinned and Tom turned to him with an excited grin.

“Holy shit Arch!”  He chuckled softly.  “Is it just me, or can you kinda feel it…?”

“Breathing.”  Archie agreed.  Archie pulled a flashlight out of his bag and looked down one of the small square holes in the wall.  The first thing he noticed was the cobwebs in there, the next thing was that it was smooth for as far as he could reach in, but as soon as it got past a man’s arm length, it was rough-hewn.  “They didn’t polish the stone all the way through.”

“Lazy sods.”  Tom joked.  They chuckled softly, the sheer size and skill that went into building the pyramid very much excluded any kind of laziness. 

“Thank you so much for doing this for me Archie.  I’ve wanted to stand in this exact place for as long as I can remember…”  Tom beamed at him over the open, empty sarcophagus before looking around the burial chamber again.  “I can’t believe I’m inside the great pyramid of Cheops… in its very heart.”  He whispered and Archie walked over to him and took his hand.  They stood in silence, in the dim light, feeling the life in this ancient part of the world, dazzled by how dynamic an old stone tomb could be, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes.  “I have quite literally never been happier in my entire life, you know that right?”

“Yeah.”  Archie said softly.

“I just think that sometimes I don’t tell you enough…”  Archie kissed Tom passionately when he became lost for words, and Tom was grateful for just how well Archie understood and knew him.  “I love you.”  He whispered.

“I brought you here Tom, cos I knew it was one of your lifelong dreams to be inside of this pyramid.  This one in particular.  And even when it looked like you wouldn’t be able to fulfil that dream, when you had gotten so close to having it… you still didn’t sulk or pout.”  Archie shook his head in awe, “You gave it one longing glance and continued on as if one of your lifelong dreams hadn’t just been destroyed.”  Tom shrugged in a self-deprecating way and Archie put a hand on his face, “You hide behind your beauty and confidence, but underneath it you’re not sure you deserve all of this.  You let your dreams go like that because you think you’re not worth all the fuss… because you’re used to what you want not really mattering.”  Tom furrowed his brows.

“I never really thought about it.”  He shook his head slowly.

“No.”  Archie agreed, “You’ve always just survived… magnificently I might add.  You’ve thrived, and you’re brilliant.  Not damaged or twisted or bitter.”  He took Tom’s hand again, “But at the very core of you, there’s this little doubt… this part of you that worries that you might, possibly be worthless, and so you sometimes go through life without the things you want the most, just in case you’re really not worth all of this.”  Tom’s brows furrowed and he looked down, “So you let one of your lifelong dreams go past you without a word of disappointment.”  Archie was glad for the late night phone call he’d had with Finn, it had helped him understand Tom’s self-esteem issue so much better.  Tom knew he was beautiful, but he also knew that that didn’t mean he was worth something in any real sense.

“I didn’t wanna ruin this trip for you.”  Tom answered with a shrug.

“The things that you want or need are never gonna ruin anything for me Tom.”  Archie answered, “You’re the love of my life and if I can do anything to give you these things, it makes my day.”  Archie grinned as Tom bit his bottom lip and looked around again.  “So I did this for you, because you deserve it.”  Archie could see, even in the dim light, Tom’s eyes reddening with emotion as his eyes looked around the burial chamber and eventually landed back on Archie’s face.  “Even if you hadn’t made my life an incredibly better place just by being in it, you would deserve happiness.  Even if you hadn’t made me a better man just by being you, you’d deserve everything you want and need.” 

“You’re doing it now aren’t you?”  Tom’s voice was thick with emotion as he realised just what Archie was doing.  Archie smiled lovingly at him.  That smile answered his question and a warmth spread through Tom.

“So here you are, somewhere you’ve always wanted to be.  And here I am… exactly where I’ve always dreamed of being.  And that’s because of you.”  Tom bit his bottom lip; he had known this was coming but tears still came to his eyes.  “You opened all my closed doors and took narrow hallways and broadened them into the width of galaxies… We’re standing in one of the oldest structures of humanity’s history… and I’m thinking about my future.  And I can’t see it without you being in it.”

“Arch.”  Tom grinned like a fool and touched his face, “Same.”  He nodded his head, already saying yes to the question that was coming. 

“You bring electricity into my very soul Tom; I can’t fathom even existing without you.  I’m in complete awe of you; every day you surprise and excite me, and every day you are my steady, stable rock.”  Archie let a small silence settle between them to steady his nerves, “I love you.”  He said simply, all his feelings channelled into those words, “Marry me alright?”  He asked with pure honest emotion and opened up a box with a ring.  Tom started nodding immediately, a huge grin on his face, before he grabbed Archie’s face and kissed him while Archie fumbled to get the ring out of the box and onto his finger. 

“Well it’s official now; I’m gonna have to get into fisticuffs with a whole lot of politicians and conservative dickwads, but yeah, we’ll get it done.  And on the day they legalise it Archer, I am absolutely going to marry you!”  They kissed again, Tom lifting Archie slightly this time, desperate to be closer to him, wanting to make love.  “Show me this ring!”  He exclaimed in an effort to cool his urges.  It was a simple, elegant ring with squared edges and a square single gem.  The gem wasn’t big or garish, it was understated, with clean lines and a modern feel.

“White gold and ruby.”  Tom grinned, “That’s my colour scheme.”  He sighed happily, “It’s fucking perfect.”  He admired it happily and then his brows furrowed as Archie had known they would and he lit up the lanterns to their fullest looking at the ring closer.

“What is it?’ Archie asked innocently.

“The metal’s so shiny… is it silver or white gold?”  He tried to figure it out but the gem caught his eye again.  “Fuck the colour of this ruby is fucking intense.”  He said in awe, “So deep and rich... almost purple…”

“Yeah…” Archie said as if he were regretting the ring, trying to hide his huge grin, “It’s not white gold and ruby…”  Tom’s brows furrowed as he looked up at Archie and then back down at the ring.

“You what?”  He asked curiously, gazing at the beautiful piece of art on his finger.

“It’s platinum and red diamond.”  The effect on Tom had been exactly what Archie had hoped for.  His jaw had literally dropped and his right hand had instantly covered the ring protectively as a huge hiss of air was sharply inhaled in shock.

“Red diamonds are the rarest diamonds.”  Tom looked back down at the ring, his eyes huge with awe. 

“The diamond was my grandfather’s.”  Archie said, “His grandfather found it when he was doing some mining work.”  Archie explained, “Although getting it set in platinum did cost me a fucking bundle… but the fact that you’re paying for all of this trip did help.”  Archie grinned. 

“Wow.”  Tom was almost stunned into silence and Archie felt like he had no choice but to kiss him again. 

It was some time before they stopped kissing and Tom stared into Archie’s eyes happily, dreamily.

“I don’t wanna leave this place…”  He told Archie quietly, holding him close, “I didn’t think I could get happier but it’s you Archie… it’s all you.” 

 

 

They barely made it back to Mohammed in time. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘To Wish Impossible Things’ by The Cure _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzZ-Mgi1My4>

 

Rae didn’t expect Phillip’s mum to open the door; according to Phillip, she was usually off doing some sort of rich person’s charity, networking thing.  She looked Rae up and down, a piercing glance of sorrow in her eyes. 

“Hi… I was just wondering if maybe I could see Phil?”  Rae had decided to ditch spending her two free periods this afternoon in the library and instead drove over to see Phillip; he still wasn’t at school.  She had decided to come to see him after Chloe said he wasn’t answering his phone.  Rae hadn’t tried to call him she didn’t know why, but it just seemed wrong for their first contact after what happened in Lincoln to be over the phone. 

Monday had been an interesting shade of annoying; Amy had started telling everyone that Rae and Phil had fucked at the drama camp and he wasn’t showing up at school out of shame and embarrassment.  Interestingly, no one believed the second half of the rumour, but absolutely everyone believed the first half; Phil’s attraction to Rae had been well known for some time now.  Rae had been panicked at what Finn would feel or say but he had surprised everyone by literally shrugging and laughing it off.  At first. 

For Rae, things had now drastically changed.  Every girl that wasn’t her friend seemed to either hate her, be jealous of her, wanted to know what her secret was, wanted to be her, or just didn’t understand how she managed to get the two fittest lads in school.  As for the guys, all the talk was of her incredible tits; the photos of her at the Summer Ball all went missing… they talked about her magic fanny… they talked about how fat girls give the best head… how she probably did anal… how they all wanted to try her out now.  It was strange for Rae.  She’d always wanted to be attractive to lads.  But this was dehumanising at best, and given the fact that she had gotten 15 very explicit requests to perform various sexual acts before lunch alone, at worst it was sexual harassment.  

At lunch time Finn had been crankier; he didn’t like the way Rae was being treated, but most of the lads hadn’t said a word to him.  Lots of girls had offered up dating and sexual services to him to help heal his wounded ego and broken heart.  Except he wasn’t the slightest bit concerned about the rumours or their content, only Rae.  And Phil a little bit too.  The lads that had tried to talk to Finn were his school mates; and they had all clamoured to give support, and find out the juicy details.  But Finn was as silent as he usually was on things like this.  He detested rumours and wouldn’t feed into them in anyway.  He had wanted to simply ignore them, but seeing what was happening to Rae made him think he might have to say something this time; even though Rae had asked him not to, believing it’d only add fuel to the fire.  At least the rumours had proven to Rae that Finn probably was ok with everything.  The way he had reclined in drama as Bryn asked him about it and cocked an eyebrow at him before shrugging was everything Rae had needed to know he was coping just fine with the whole Phil issue at present.  He had turned to look at her with a grin and she had known she had to be strong and get through these rumours the best she could; they’d die down in time, and at the end of it, her and Finn would be just as strong as ever.

Phillip’s mother opened the door wider for Rae slowly and nodded for her to come in.  Rae swallowed hard and stepped in, not sure what to expect from this woman. 

“You’re Rae.”  She asserted gently and Rae nodded, “I wondered if you’d come to see if he was ok.”  She led Rae through the house towards Phil’s room, “During the first few days the fever was quite intense.  He was delirious.”  She spoke calmly and Rae followed silently, “He spoke about you often.”  She turned and looked at Rae and Rae had to lower her eyes, seeing that piercing sorrow in her eyes again.  She took Rae in for a moment, her thoughts on the matter a complete mystery before she turned and continued up the stairs to Phil’s room. 

She opened the door and Rae saw Phil lounging lazily across his bed, over the covers, one arm over his head, the hand holding onto the bedhead languidly.  His other hand held the remote control to his tv at his hip, his legs stretched out, his left foot ticking with irritation as he flicked channels aimlessly.  And he wore nothing but his fitted boxers, his slender, muscled body stretched out perfectly, nonchalantly, as he completely ignored the opened door.  Rae could see he had lost weight since she had last seen him.  She was surprised that she knew his body well enough to see that his waist was smaller still.  He’d always been thin through the waist, but this was verging on too thin. 

“Phil, show some decency; put some clothes on.”  His mother gently admonished.  And Phil raised his eyes towards the opened door for the first time.  His foot stopped ticking immediately as his eyes fell on Rae, lingered painfully and flicked away instantly.

“She’s seen it before.”  He shrugged and watched the tv resolutely, the channel flicking increasing in speed sightly.  His mother’s mouth opened in surprise. 

“It’s a drama thing, we have to get ready real quick in change rooms sometimes…”  Rae lied and Phil shook his head slightly, clearly not caring what his mother thought about the topic. 

“Right.”  She answered unconvinced and blinked a few times before turning away and heading back down the stairs without another word.  Rae watched her go, not knowing how to take her actions. 

“She’s pretending none of this happened.”  Phil said without looking away from the tv, “she’s good at that.”  Rae stood in the doorway and looked at him, trying to think of what to say. 

“I were worried about you.”  She said softly.  She saw him bite the inside of his cheek and he paused in his flicking of the channels.

“It’s just the flu Rae… nothing so dramatic as to require a visit.”  She noticed the stubble on his face for the first time; he clearly hadn’t shaved in the nearly 2 weeks since she’d last seen him.  She had to stop her eyes from crawling down his naked torso and looked away.  She heard the channel change again. 

“Is there nothing good on?”  She came into his room and closed the door.  Phil’s eyes shot to her momentarily and returned to the tv. 

“Not really.”  He cleared his throat and resisted the urge to bite his bottom lip.  He could smell her deodorant as she sat on the edge of his king size bed silently, looking at the tv.  He looked at the side of her face as she watched the tv as he flicked the channels aimlessly.  He wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to hold her, to make love to her.  Phil had to look away again.  It was painful to look at her.  His whole body ached for her.  He wanted to whisper all the thoughts he’d had about her these past 12 days.  All the thoughts of love, the poetry his soul had birthed for her.  Even in the midst of his delirium, his illness, his heartbreak… all he could think of was how much he loved her.  He could not fathom his life without her in it.  He made himself look back at her face.  She was looking at him, a concerned expression in those eyes of hers.  Phil immediately looked away.

“How’d it go with the comedy duologues?”  He asked, studiously looking at his door, acutely aware of his semi-nudity and her closeness. 

“The twins won.”  Rae answered and Phil nodded slowly.

“I was hoping you and… I was hoping you’d win that one as well.”  Phil answered softly.

“We tied for first place.”  Phil’s eyes shot to her, a congratulatory grin on his face.  But seeing her made his heart hurt, and he was sure she’d see the open wound in his chest if he kept looking at her.  She watched his eyes dart away again.

“Congratulations Rae.”  His voice was soft and husky, “You deserved it.” 

“It’s hard for you to look at me.”  She stated sadly.  Phil’s first instinct was to protect Rae from his own feelings; but that would require lying to her.  And he didn’t want to do that.  He hesitated to reply, unsure of what to say.

“Right at this moment, it is.”  He answered as gently as he could, deciding that honesty would be best. 

“Do you need me to go?”  He heard the raw emotion in her voice and felt himself responding to it.  Wanting to take her into his arms to comfort her, hating that his words and actions had caused that pain.  But he knew he couldn’t comfort her. 

“Yes.”  He tried to sound resolute.  It would be easier in some ways if he never saw her again.  But much harder in most ways if he didn’t.  “No.”  He answered hurriedly, his eyes shooting back to her face.  “Fuck.”  He whispered and looked away.  Rae sat still, his differing reactions coming too close together for her to have time to respond in any way.  “I don’t know what I need.”  He said slowly, his eyes on the floor.  “That’s a lie.”  He knew exactly what, or rather who, he needed.  He turned his eyes to her, and made himself keep looking at her for a few moments before painfully lowering his eyes and slowly sitting up. 

As soon as he moved from lying to sitting, the careful truce he had made with the phlegm in his lungs gave way and he started coughing violently.  Rae’s face went from concerned to outright worry when she heard the wet nature of his cough; his lungs were obviously full.  Half of the drama class was starting to come down with it and she’d heard Izzy, Elsa and Sam coughing away over this past week at school, but Phil sounded much worse; liked he’d gotten the worst of the drama influenza outbreak.  He reached towards his bedside table; his whole body looking like it might break from the force of the coughs.  He had seemed so un-sick just a few minutes ago; she realised it was just his usual self control.  Rae jumped up and went to the bedside table, handing him a tissue and then seeing that he was actually reaching for the empty glass, realised he wanted water.  She grabbed the glass and went to his ensuite, filling it up and returning to him as quickly as she could.  She sat beside him, putting her arm around his bare shoulders she handed him the glass and tried to steady him as he drank.  She could feel the heat emanating off him and realised he was actually still quite feverish.  Rae rubbed his back trying to help the phlegm come up and fretted that he still needed to see a doctor. 

After a while the coughing settled and he took a few deep, rattling breaths before almost collapsing back onto the bed, sweating and exhausted, his chest raising painfully.  Without a thought Rae laid down next to him, cradling his sweating head in her arms and watched him as his eyes closed slowly, his breaths still too laboured for her liking.  They lay in silence for a while.

“I ache Rae.”  He whispered.

“I hear the flu does that to you.”  She whispered back, knowing that he didn’t mean the aching body influenza was known to cause.  He meant the ache in his body from not having her. 

“Yeah.”  He didn’t open his eyes, but instead curled up into her, still too sick to even think straight.  She pulled him closer, hoping she could help him feel better just by being there.  Rae watched him slowly open his eyes and look at her.  She felt his body gasp, even as he kept his face still, his voice silent.  He lowered his eyes again, but immediately raised them to hers.  He bit the inside of his mouth and made himself work through the breathless pain of looking at her. 

“You alright now?”  She asked putting her hand on his forehead and feeling the fever lingering.  But he smiled fondly.

“Yeah, I got what I needed.”  His voice was barely audible.  “Much better now.”  His eyes dropped to her lips, and Rae felt her own eyes drop to his, before a change came over him and he slowly, and with very obvious regret, extricated himself from her and sat up; the coughing starting again, but less fiercely this time.  She sat up and rubbed his back again and got him the glass of water.  “Thanks.”  He gasped between coughs. 

“That’s what friends do.”  Rae tried to make her voice sound surer than she was.  He nodded slowly and kept his eyes trained on his door. 

“Yeah.”  He answered, also trying to make his voice sound surer than he was about that assertion about friendship; he couldn’t remember laying in the arms, staring longingly, lovingly into the eyes of any of his other friends.  Rae looked around the room and saw on the table at the end of the room there were several canvases out, and several paint pots.  She got up and walked over to the canvases, Phil watched her go and furrowed his brows; he couldn’t properly remember what the artwork was he had been working on.  Rae picked up the half-finished painting and stared at it for a long time.  It was very obviously her face, done in strong confident lines in minute, perfect detail.  She looked at the painting under it; a more abstract artwork in dark colours with a slash of red through the centre.  It made her think of painful open wounds and deep, deep depression.  She looked at it and felt an intense and aching sense of loss.  Phil got up and had to take a moment to steady himself; he still felt weak and standing was difficult.  He shambled over to her and sat on the desk.  Rae noticed how pale his face was, and in this light, she could see how much weight he’d lost off his face too.  Her brows furrowed but Phil was looking at the art.  He took the abstract artwork from her; it was a painting of the hole in his chest.  She didn’t need to see that one.  But Rae had understood exactly what the painting had been of the moment she’d seen it. 

She had always admired how precise Phil was.  How his movements were controlled.  Years of fencing lessons, violin, piano, chess, tennis and especially theatre… lessons upon lessons had taught him self-refrain and exceptional self-control.  His body moved to exactly where he wanted it to be and no further; he had absolute control over his limbs and facial expressions.  But the past few times she’d seen him he had been losing grip of that control.  He could not hide just how sick he was from her, even though he tried.  And he could not hide his deep sorrow, his grief and loss, even though the blasé way he grinned at the artwork in his hands was meant to mask the obvious pain the painting depicted; hide the obvious pain he was in. 

“D’you wanna see the paintings I did of you?”  He asked as he shifted the canvases and pulled out three large canvases, still carefully wrapped in bubble wrap.  He carefully, lovingly unwrapped the first one and held it up to her.  “It’s better from a distance.”  He told her as her mouth opened in surprise.  Just like Finn he had managed to capture her faithfully, but somehow made her look stunningly beautiful.

“This is an oil painting?”  She already knew the answer before Phil nodded.  He didn’t understand how meaningful that was to her; he hadn’t heard what Liam had done to her.  But he could see how important it was to her and put it on the ground so he could unwrap the next one for her.  He watched her as he carefully unwrapped it, he could see how moved she was, that she was close to tears.  But he did not speak about it if she didn’t want to.  He unwrapped all three oil paintings and let Rae take them in.

“They’re beautiful.”  She told him simply, taken aback by how he saw her.  She could see the love in every single brush stroke.  Exactly the same as how she could see the love in every single line of Finn’s drawings. 

“You do know what the obvious response to that is, right?”  He asked with a wry grin that she couldn’t help but return. 

“I do, yes.”  She answered and returned her gaze to the paintings, “Why have you got them all wrapped up?”

“I don’t want anyone else to see them.  They’re quite precious to me.”  He stooped and looked away, “They’re some of my best work.”  He tried to excuse what he had just said.  “I’ll put them up when I own my own home.”  He answered with a sure nod of his head.

“In the bedroom?”  Rae asked; meaning that that would be the most private room in the house, but realising too late what else it could mean.  Phil looked up at her and slowly nodded.

“I suppose that would be the best place for them.”  He answered, his eyes resting on her face and not moving.  He found that he could handle the pain quit well now; he welcomed it even, because it meant she was near him, and he could feel his body fizzing with joy as he let his eyes really take her in. 

“Until you get a girlfriend and she wonders who this fat bird you been painting is.”  He watched her as she started to wrap them up carefully, her eyes lingering on them before starting her work.  He let her do it, because he was exhausted and weak.  He hadn’t eaten much over the last 12 days, partially from being ill with the flu, and partially because of a deep depression that had overtaken his mind.  But seeing her had brought parts of him back to life.  He felt his stomach growl and was glad it wasn’t making too much noise; he didn’t want her to know just how hungry he was. 

“I wouldn’t be in any sort of monogamous relationship with anyone Rae.”  Phil answered, “And I if I were, I’d make it clear to her that…” He stopped and his tongue went to his back teeth as he forced himself not to say the words.  He’d make it clear to anyone he was with that if Rae asked him to go to her, he would.  Rae sat on the table beside him silently. 

“I don’t want your whole life ruined over this.”  She said softly, deeply emotional about what he had said.  “I think it’d be nice for you to have a girl that loved you like you deserve.  A girl that was all yours.”

“If I were to ever be in a relationship Rae, it wouldn’t be monogamous.”  He repeated, “I’d be polyamorous, because with polyamory, you don’t have to say no to someone in order to say yes to someone else.”  He looked at her meaningfully and then looked away.  “I’m sorry.”  He whispered, “That was… bitter.” 

“It’s alright.”  Rae said sadly, “I wish…”  She stopped, wondering if she should say this stuff to him, “I wish I could do it Phil.”  She looked up at him, “I really do… if I could, I really would.  You have no idea.”  She lowered her eyes, “Well I suppose you actually really do have an idea.”  She sighed, “It’s just not me, I can’t… I’m so sorry Phil.” 

“Don’t be sorry Rae.”  His hand twitched to touch her face, but he grabbed onto the edge of the table instead, “It’s fine.  You gotta do what’s right for you… that’s what I want for you…”  His hand left the table and slightly reached for her before he got it under control this time.  He looked away.  “I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself.”

“Which is also fine.”  Rae told him and took his hand and put it on her face, “You can still touch me Phil.  Friends touch.”  He turned his eyes to hers and he let his fingers linger on her beautiful face for a moment before gently nodding and putting his hand back on the desk.  Friends touched… but not like that.  “Say what’s in your head Phil.”  Rae said in the silence that followed, worried by the unreadable expression on his face.  Phil gave a silent scoff in reply, shaking his head slightly.

“I can’t do that.”  He whispered.

“Please.” 

“I love you.”  His eyes returned to hers.  “That’s what’s in my head.”  He answered her, “That’s all that’s in my head.”  He looked away, “But I know that’s a no go zone, so I can’t… do this…”

“No.”  Rae answered with very clear regret that made Phil look back up at her.

“I want, so very much, to be with you Rae.  I want to touch you again so much that I think I’ll die from it.”  He shook his head and looked away, “But I won’t be the sort of man that ignores your no. I told you I’d respect your decision.  And somehow… I will.” 

“Of course you will Phil… you’re too good a man not to.”

“Ah but Rae… I’ve still got so many dirty cards up my sleeves I could play…”  He said with a sad smile, “and I don’t wanna be that guy Rae.  But the thought’s there… and I don’t like that.  I wanna respect you and your decisions not… continue chasing you when you’ve said no.”  He got off the table and looked up at the ceiling, “But how can I give up on you?  How can I give up on love?  My instinct is always gonna be to try and be with you.  I love you like you’re a part of me and it feels like I’m missing something vital to myself.”  He felt the open wound in his chest again and looked longingly at his bed; he was exhausted and he wanted to hold her again, “Which is of course utterly ridiculous,”  He added, taking his mind from the thought of how she felt in his arms, “you are your own person, not a part of me… But the feeling persists….”  He sighed deeply and shambled back to his bed.

“I’m sorry.”  She got off the table and followed him.

“Don’t ever be sorry for choosing what’s right for you.”  Phil said firmly as he arranged his pillows and sat down on his bed.  “I love you, and I need for you to be happy, and only you can choose what will make you happy.”  Rae sat on his bed again, kicking her shoes off and crossing her legs and watching his face as he talked, “I couldn’t be happier that you did the right thing by you… I just so wish that the right thing by you, had been me.”  He lowered his eyes and again became acutely aware of his naked body.  But clothes made his fever unbearable, so he didn’t even consider covering up.  “So… don’t be sorry… but I do need a little more time before I can be around you and not declare my love for you instantly.” 

“Well…”  Rae considered this for a moment, “don’t turn yourself inside out too much for me Phil.  Too be honest, I don’t mind if you do tell me, alright?  Cos I love you too... So it’s no use pretending it doesn’t exist.  We can only move forward by being honest, not by repressing everything.”  Phil nodded slowly and leaned back on his pillows.

“Well I love you and nothing’s changed with me, I want to be with you.  But… but you’ve made your choice.”  He looked at her thoughtfully, “and I will live with it.” 

“But you look so unhappy.”  Rae answered sadly.  “What can I do to help make you happy?”  Phil gave her a look and she lowered her eyes. 

“Just give it time Rae.”  He answered reassuringly. 

“What can we do to speed up time… make you feel more better right now?”

“Find a cure for influenza.”  Phil joked with a straight face.  Rae shook he head but still grinned at his joke.  “There’s really only two things that might make me feel better right now Rae… and neither of them are acceptable courses of action.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re both bad for you.”  He answered honestly. 

“I can take it.”  Rae answered trying to sound more confident than she felt.  Maybe Phil needed to yell at her, or not talk to her for a month; she’d already lived through that with Finn.  “Let me do something for you.”

“Alright.”  He said with a barely contained cynical tone.  “The first thing that I could do to make myself feel better is refuse to give up.  Keep trying to be with you instead of back off and just be there for you if you need me.  I could definitely push for polyamory; I honestly believe that there’s a way in there.”  He looked up at her and smiled sadly, “But I don’t wanna be that guy.  I promised you, and Finn, that I’d respect your answer.  And you gave it to me.  I really do wanna respect your wishes.  So that’s that one out.”  Rae watched him silently as he spoke, his eyes looking down at his fingers, “And the other thing I could do, that might make me feel better… or at least make it all easier… is leave.”  Rae’s mouth opened in shock and horror at the idea.  She wanted to instantly say ‘no’ but managed to hold her tongue.  “I could very easily finish my schooling in London.”  He shrugged, “but you said you wanted to be friends.”  His eyes stayed on his hands, not wanting to see the expression on her face, just in case she wanted him to go.  “I kinda got the impression you didn’t want me to go anywhere.”  He thought about how many times she had asked for nothing to change between them and looked up at her to see her face filled with emotion.

“Is that what you need?”  She asked almost silently.  “Do you need to leave?”  There was a long silence.  Phil’s eyes stayed on Rae’s sorrow filled face.

“I don’t know Rae.”  He could barely speak.  In her mind, Rae started to sort out what she should say to him; that if he needed to go he should.  And their friendship would be waiting for him when he was ready.  She took a deep breath ready to say this to him; to be a good friend and give him the support he so obviously needed.

“Don’t go.”  The words that slipped from her mouth surprised her and she shook her head.  “I’m sorry.”  She chided herself for being so heartless and selfish, “I mean… if you need to go… if that’s what’s best for you.”  A tear slid down her cheek and Rae was stunned at her own inability to control herself; she was nothing like Phillip in this regard.  She wiped it away quickly, fiercely; she would be supportive of his needs.  “Our friendship will be waiting for you when you’re ready.”  She finished with a crack in her voice.  Phillip looked at her face momentarily and let out a deep breath as if he had been punched in the stomach as he looked away from her.  But Rae saw the tear slip from his eye before he had turned his face away.  He grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose, subtly wiping his eyes as well, keeping his face turned from her.  He took a sip of water to clear his voice; he knew it would waver with emotion if he spoke now.  Rae noticed that the glass was nearly empty and got up to refill it.

While she was in the ensuite Phil stared at the ceiling and tried to get his emotions in check.  He thought about leaving.  He wasn’t sure that it would help.  The truth was that the last time he had left to try and free himself of his love for her, he had deluded himself into thinking it was working.  It hadn’t been.  In reality he had been thinking about her and missing her every day.  The distance had only given him perspective and had made him understand she would probably stay with Finn; it had done nothing to lessen his feelings for her.  It might be easy not seeing her for a while.  But he knew he’d miss her, and knew he’d have to come back to her eventually.  No matter where his life took him he’d need regular contact with Rae.  He was useless without her. 

Rae had to take a moment to look in the mirror and give herself a stern, but silent, talking to before returning to Phil with the glass of water.  He thanked her and she sat back down on the bed this time next to him, again to help him if he needed it with the water.  Neither of them looked at the other for the moment.  When Phil finally felt steady he looked up at her sad face.

“I’ll be fine as long as I can see you happy Rae.”  He said softly. 

“It’s so unfair.”  Rae answered, her eyes downcast. 

“I can handle it.”  He shrugged, “It’s my choice.”  Part of her wanted to give Phil some hope; she couldn’t handle seeing him like this.  But she wondered if that was just more cruel.  She wondered if it wouldn’t just be kinder to completely kill this thing and tell him to go to London; tell him she had been mistaken about the way she felt for him.  Phil watched her as she agonised over what to say.  “You’re wondering whether to give me hope or kill it.”  He said softly and Rae raised her eyes to his.

“You know me far too well…”

“It’s because… you know why.”  He lowered his eyes, not wanting to make her feel guilty by continuously telling her how he felt about her.  “Just tell me the truth.”  He raised his eyes to her, “Whatever you’re debating over in your head, tell me the truth of it.  Don’t worry about my levels of hope… that’s for me to worry about.” 

“The truth…”  She said shaking her head.  “What is the truth?”  She asked herself.  There was a long silence while Phil tried to not look at her face; he seemed to be unable to look away from her now.  She was the most stunning human being on the planet.  “The truth.”  She whispered.  “The truth is that there is some hope that maybe in the future… the very far distant future, that Finn and me, might… maybe consider…” Rae paused, not really sure how to word this; what had Finn really meant when he’d talked about all of this stuff? 

“Polyamory?”

“Or threesomes, or opening up the relationship in some way…”  She shrugged, not sure how to explain it.  “But Phil, you have to understand… I’m not ready for that now… and I may never be…”

“I understand.”  Phil didn’t allow his facial expression to change; he wanted to let her sort through what she was saying without the pressure of his feelings on her.

“But you know Finn… I guess, there’s this general feel from him that it wouldn’t be a deal breaker if we were both ok with it.  And I suppose I agree.”  Rae furrowed her brows, “I do agree.”  She corrected, “It’s just… I’ve got so much stuff inside o’ me to deal with Phil… I don’t know if I could handle something like that.”  She said it apologetically and Phil shook his head.

“You don’t have to.  You never have to do something you don’t wanna do for me.  Ever.” 

“I dunno Phil.”  Rae shook her head because part of her wanted to do it.  “I dunno.”  She whispered.  “But either way, it’s not gonna be any time soon... you shouldn’t wait around for the very slim possibility that one day I might be ok to do that sort o’ thing…”

“I understand.”  Phil reassured her, “Don’t worry, I’ll live my life to the fullest while I’m wait-”

“Don’t wait.”  She cut him off and their eyes met.  Silence enveloped them as Rae tried to stop herself from asking him to wait however long it took; maybe even a lifetime.  She chided herself for being selfish and foolish and not a good girlfriend to Finn and not a good friend to Phil.

“Rae…” Phil said softly but firmly, “I reiterate; wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, whoever I’m with.  You call and I will come.”  He saw the moment of relief on her face before sadness and conflicted emptions took over.  She needed him; he was staying in Stamford for now.  “Whatever you need me for.”  He reassured her, “Your friend, a secondary partner to Finn in a polyamorous situation, someone to scratch an itch.”  He realised that they had both started to slowly lean into each other, and knew he should stop it; they were friends, “Someone to use for the night when you argue with him.”  Phil’s eyes again dropped to her lips, “anyway you need me… you’ve got me.”  His eyes went back up to Rae’s and they both stopped, just centimetres apart and Phil made himself do the right thing, “You know, as chauffer, a study buddy.  All that stuff too.”  He gently stroked her hair out of her face and made his fingertips not linger on the soft skin of her face before he slowly leaned back into his pillows. 

“And what do you get out of this.”  She sounded breathless and Phil was glad he still had an effect on her. 

“Your friendship is what I get out of it… Time with you.”

“But that kinda tortures you Phil.” 

“It does.”  He agreed, “But like I said girl, I’ll take you anyway I can get you.” 

“This is so unfair.”  Rae’s voice was small and emotional.

“You aren’t responsible for my feelings or my situation, I am.”  He told her, “Don’t you worry about my feelings, or Finn’s!  You’re not in charge of the way either of us feel, or what we choose to do.  You’re only responsible for you.  So just be you…”  He finished softly, “Stumble your way through all this confusing stuff, and stay true to you and how you feel.”

“I can’t let you spend the rest of your life-”

“Let me?”  Phil sked with a bemused grin.

“I know I don’t get a say…”

“No you don’t.  How I feel belongs to me, not you.  And vice versa.  You get a say about your feelings and what you’re gonna do with them.”  He said the words firmly and Rae nodded.  “So own how you feel Rae.  It’s all anyone ever gets to own in this world.  And don’t try to own mine or Finn’s or anyone else’s.” 

“I just worry.”

“I know.  Because you’re a good person.  But you can’t change the way other’s feel.  You never can.  So let it go.”  He spoke gently, reassuringly. 

“I can’t stand the idea of you being miserable cos you love-”  Rae stopped herself from saying it.  Phil nodded slowly. 

“Let’s be clear Rae, I’m not gonna be mooning over you and following you around.  We’re friends, that’s all, nothing else…”  He looked her in the eye, “but if you ever… ever give the word…”

“I understand.”

“But… just a heads up… it might take me a while to figure out exactly where the friendship line is…”

“Don’t worry,” Rae reassured him, “I think that line is pretty blurred with us.”

“Well we’ll endeavour to make it clearer.”  Phil said with a grim smile.

“Aye I s’pose.”  Rae answered glumly, “Not sure how successful we’ll be”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I wish I were ready for polyamory Phil...”  Phillip looked at her, surprised by her words.  He felt an almost irresistible urge to kiss her and bit his bottom lip to stop himself.  “Like I said; I’m not sure about saying no to you.  But I am sure about Finn… But he… he said it’s not a deal breaker… and you… Phil you’re… my feelings for you…” She shook her head, unable to get her words out properly, “But right now… I’m just not ready for it.  I’ve got too many issues.  And to be completely honest Phil, I very much like Finn and I together with no one else involved.  And I don’t know how you would fit into that.  But…”  Her eyes pierced his, “But…”  There was a long silence as they sat staring each other, Rae’s eyes dropping to Phil’s lips more than once.  Slowly Phillip nodded. 

“I understand.”  His voice was thick with emotion. 

“Do you?”  She almost whimpered. 

“5 years or 55 years Rae… however long it takes… you say the word.”

“What if I’m never ready?”

“Then you’re never ready.”  He took her hand and let his thumb run over her palm.  “Rae, you told me a flat out no.  So as far as I know, there is literally no hope for us ever happening.  But I’ll still wait for you.  I can’t not wait for you.”  He said honestly, “I’ll get on with my life, do the things I gotta do… find my happiness where I can.  But I’m yours, you know.  And I’ll love you till the end of my life.  And beyond if there’s a beyond.”  She closed her fingers around his tightly, “So we’ll be mates.  And I will completely cherish our friendship.  And I’ll be here for you in whatever way you need, knowing that it will never go any further, no matter how much I want it to, and completely unable to be anything other than yours.  You tell me now that there’s a slim chance that maybe one day… it doesn’t change anything for me, the plan is still the same and I’m just as much yours now as I was when you said no.  And I’ll still be just your friend, as you wish.”

“Phil-” Her voice croaked with tears.

“Don’t feel bad Rae.  I don’t want you, or even Finn to have any bad feelings over this.”

“I wanna see you happy Phillip.”

“And you will.”

“Just not as happy as you could be.”  There was a silence.

“No.”  Phil agreed, “We’ll most probably never see me as happy as I could be.”  He shrugged, “I accept that.”

“You’re such a good person Phil.”  Rae lowered her eyes, “You know you could push it… you know you could convince me to do it.”

“Because you love me.”  Phil said slowly, “Because part of you wants this, wants me…”  He narrowed his eyes slightly, “Yes, I could use that against you to get what I want.”  He smiled grimly, “But what kind of person would that make me?”  He asked simply, “Not the man you love, that’s for sure.”  He shrugged, “So I’d get to have you for a while.  But at what cost?  You’d stop loving me because I wouldn’t be a good man anymore… and we’d both regret it.”  He lowered his eyes, “And I won’t have anything between us be a regret Rae.  Not after… what we had in Lincoln.”  Rae lowered her eyes and nodded her head.  She took a moment to gather her thoughts.

“I am very lucky to have you…” Rae said softly, “as a friend.”  She made herself add.  She laced her arms around his waist and he hugged her back fiercely.  She felt how thin he was and pushed him back roughly.

“What?”  He asked bewildered, “friends hug, right?  Or did I push it?”

“You’re so thin!”  She exclaimed angrily, and she saw the bewildered panic leave his eyes.

“You had me worried then!”  He told her with a small smile, “I thought it was something serious.”

“It is!”  She said with an angry flair in her eyes and Phil had to stop himself grinning, “You need to eat.”  She commanded.

“I’m not hungry Rae.”  He shrugged.

“Phillip!”  She said in a warning tone.

“I’ve got influenza and I’m heartbroken, give me a fucking break girl!”  He chuckled and shook his head. 

“You told me that you’d give me whatever I needed until the day you died.”  Rae said staunchly, determined to get Phil back on the right path.  His demeanour became suddenly serious.

“I did.”  He replied.

“I need for you to be ok Phil.”  She quite suddenly put her hands on his face, and looked deeply into his eyes.  Phil’s breath caught in his throat.  “Do you hear me you daft fuck?”  She put her forehead on his, “I need for you be ok.”  Phil closed his eyes and soaked in the moment before he slowly nodded.  “So you eat.” 

“Alright.”  He whispered.

“And you’re gonna call me every single day that you’re not at school.  Understood?  And you’re gonna tell me, honestly, how you’re going.”

“Alright.”  He agreed softly.  She kissed his forehead and Phil’s ache for her actually grew. 

“Alright then.”  She grinned and took in his face.  “Don’t make me have to kick your arse again.”  He nodded slowly.

“Well with that in mind…” Phil said with a grin, “Piss off you, I’ve got influenza and I’m fucking exhausted.  I need to sleep, and unless you’re gonna lie down with me…” He cocked his eyebrow cheekily, with a resigned knowing grin; he knew she wasn’t staying to sleep beside him. 

“Alright.”  She got up off his bed.  “I’ll be either seeing you or hearing from you tomorrow, alright?”

“I promise.”  He answered.

“And give Chloe a ring, she’s worrying about you.”

“I will.”  Phil answered, “After a nap.”  Rae leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, the corner of her mouth brushing the corner of his for a moment before she pulled back and smiled at him.  “See you.”  Phil watched her leave his room, his hand creeping up to his cheek where she had kissed him.  He curled up in his bed, feeling ridiculously unwell and sad; his mind swirling with the thought of her, every word she had said, every look she gave.  His emotion was overwhelming and he felt his wide open chest wound gaping and aching.  But when he felt his stomach grumble, he knew he would eat something at dinner time tonight; he had promised.

 

 

Rae walked as silently as she could down the stairs, aiming to get to the door and out of the house without seeing Phil’s mother again.  She crept into the lounge room, her eyes on the front door. 

“When he fell in love I had hoped it would be with someone who would love him the way he deserves.”  Rae jumped and turned to see her sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in her hand.  She looked longingly at the door again and then back to Mrs Seymour.

“That’s what I want for him too.”  She was going to be as honest as she could with his mother.

“But you do love him the way he deserves…”  She narrowed her eyes as Rae’s scrambled to think of what to say, “You just love this Finn boy as well.”  Rae tried not to fidget nervously; she couldn’t read Phil’s mother at all.

“Yes.”  Rae admitted the truth to her in a small voice. 

“So why did you choose him over my son?”  She asked and leaned forward, her eyes boring into Rae.  Rae bit her bottom lip and heard the silence between them growing.  Part of her, the part that Chloe and Rhys had been influencing, wanted to tell Mrs Seymour that it was none of her business, that she didn’t need to explain herself to a nosy woman that barely showed any interest in her own son normally.  But Rae found herself opening her mouth, thinking of the right words to say; the most truthful words. 

“Well, Finn and I have a history of…” Rae watched as Mrs Seymour leaned back in her seat, clearly unimpressed, “both pain and love that I can’t ignore.”  Rae pressed on, “We’ve built something amazing together.  And I love him so much that I can’t imagine my life without him.”  Mrs Seymour nodded slowly and walked over to Rae.

“Tell me Rae, can you imagine your life without my son?”  She asked it almost pleasantly, her hands folded in front of her in a very ladylike manner.  Rae was afraid to answer, afraid of what this woman would say or do.

“No.”  She almost whispered.  “I can’t.”  There was a silence and Mrs Seymour slowly raised her hand to touch Rae’s face, near her chin, as if appraising her. 

“What a difficult position for you to be in.”

“Worse for them.”  Rae said instantly.  It was true, “Worst for Phil.”  Rae looked back to the stairs, knowing Phil was up there in his room.

“Yes.”  She answered softly, “It is.”  Her thumb moved over Rae’s skin slowly, “You had your momentary fairy tale with him.  A few days together, in love.  But at what cost to him?  To my son?”  Her eyes accused Rae mercilessly and Rae had to lower her eyes to try and escape that glare.  “Did you stop to think about that?”

“I did… but…”

“But you did it anyway?”  She raised Rae’s face so she could look into her eyes, “You can rest assured, Rae Earl, that I will be spending as much time as I can spare, letting my son know that he can do much better than you.”  Rae felt her stomach knot as the vitriol in Mrs Seymour’s voice rose a notch, “And then you will have to have your life without him in it.  A life where you don’t get to lead him on and get what you want from him with no thought for him…” Rae felt her breath catch in her throat, tears in her eyes, “and he will thrive without you.”  She asserted and let go of Rae’s face, wiping her fingers together as if she had touched something particularly distasteful.  “Please leave.”  She turned from Rae, not giving her another look, “And don’t come back.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Golden Brown’ by The Stranglers _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVHVvbnmgjM>

 

“Are’s air are are are are are are are where.”  Rae read over her dada monologue.  She had to perform her’s tomorrow.  Finn had done his today without dropping one line.  “Are there any hair where are are are are air.”

“Yours sounds like a fucking vocal exercise sometimes girl.”  Finn sneered at the script; as he read it he decided hers was a bit harder than his had been. 

“I know.”  She groaned.  Finn had offered to go down in between lines, just like she had done for him, but Rae had said that was far too distracting.  Finn was now in the mood for messing around.  Rae however had picked up an extra subject this year, she lamented over how foolish that idea had been; she had far less free time now, and too much homework.  And going out to visit Phil instead of doing homework had put her behind. 

Finn tried to focus on his physics homework.  He was meant to be creating an experiment that would measure Faraday electro-magnetic fields in a moving wire to examine harmonics.  They got to create their own experiment, and Finn wanted to play with his guitar; the homework practically wrote itself.  His teacher had written he was practically a genius on the last assignment he’d done.  Finn had looked perplexed at the comment and shown Rae.  He’d always gotten decent marks for science and maths, but now that he was doing his homework and putting a little effort in, his marks for physics had become flawless; he’d gotten a lot of 100% marks for the topic.  English though was still giving him headaches.  He loved it a lot more now, but he still had to work very hard for the fairly decent marks he got.  Archie had once called him a stereotype; he was good at the stereotypical subjects boys were good at and bad at the ones boys were stereotypically bad at.  He didn’t mind; he was just good at what he was good at.  And now he was getting better at things he hadn’t been good at before.  Principal Dixon had had a chat with him, commending him on his effort and work; he had gone from a mediocre student at best, to one of the best students in the College.  Finn was even doing his PE homework, even though he’d already passed this class, because the idea of not doing his homework actually seemed odd to him now. 

Rae’s marks had remained steady, and she was mostly happy with College.  She was mostly happy in general.  It was nice to be that way.  Even though there were sad things in her life, her general outlook on life had lifted and she felt a wonderful kind of contentment inside.  Except for when she thought about Phillip for too long.  Then the contentment was swirled up with a whole lot of sorrow. 

“D’you think you’re ready for your performance?”  Finn asked and Rae sighed.

“Maybe.”  She scrunched up her nose, “if we was allowed to drop a line, yes, cos this shit is easy to improvise.  But being word perfect with a dada script is not easy, it’s actually an awful idea, and I think we should have words with the course curriculum.”

“I’ll head butt it for you if you like?”  He grinned.

“Oh that’s nice.”  She grinned back at him and thought to all that time ago when he had head butted a guy at the pub because he’d been a jerk to her.  He’d told her afterwards that he might try head butting everyone that was a jerk to her.  She sighed happily and settled into his arms as they laid back on the bed.  “When I think back to you head butting that guy in that pub… go’ we’ve both changed so much.”

“In some ways.”  Finn agreed.

“In which ways not?”  Rae looked up at him and he grinned cheekily.

“I’d still head butt that fucker.”  She chuckled and held him tighter.

“I’d maybe do it first now.”  Finn laughed at that and Rae hit his arm in protest.  “I am a much harder woman now.”  She informed him seriously.

“Oh aye!”  He answered cheerily, “You most definitely are.”

“So the why the laughter?”  She asked in mock outrage and sat up, looking down at him as he laid on her bed with a huge cheeky grin.

“Can you imagine you head butting someone?”  Rae couldn’t hold the straight face anymore and started to laugh. 

“Alright… I might have to get Rhys to show me how.”  She said, pretending to sulk, “Or you…”

“I never learned how.”  Finn admitted, “I think it’s just something some people know how to do.”

“You that kind of lad huh?”  Rae snuggled back into his arms.

“Oh aye!”  He chuckled, “Neanderthal through and through.”  He happily wrapped his arms back around her, “Just ask your boyfriend.”  He teased and she looked up at him with real surprise.  “Too soon for that?”  He asked and she shook her head slowly as she sat up again to look at him.

“Phil is not my boyfriend.”  She said seriously and Finn furrowed his brows.

“I know Rae.”  He answered, “I’m sorry.  I thought… you know, maybe if I joked about it you’d finally believe I was alright.”  She touched his face gently and lowered her eyes.

“I think you two lads are doing much better with everything than I am.”  She thought about Phil and then shook her head, “No that’s a lie.”  She said, “I think you’re doing the best out of all three of us.”  She told him and he nodded.

“I know.”  He stroked her face.

“I saw Phil today.”  She stayed sitting up, gauging his expressions.

“How is he?”  Finn asked with genuine concern.

“He’s got influenza.”

“Him and practically everyone else.”  Finn answered.

“He’s still getting fevers and… he sounds like half the fucking ocean’s in his lungs.”  Finn pulled a worried face as she spoke, “It doesn’t bother you that I went and saw him?”

“Yes and no.”  Finn answered and Rae lowered her eyes.  “No, cos you can go visit your friends, whenever you want, you don’t need my permission, you know that right?”  She nodded her head slowly, “Yes, cos Saul is still out there… and we keep going over this territory of you not going off on your own.”

“I’m sorry.”  She whispered.  “I don’t know why I keep doing it.”  She furrowed her brows, “I do try to do the right thing, but it’s like I forget; I just get too caught up in the other things I’m doing…”

“It’s alright for as long as he’s not around, but as soon as he is then-” Finn stopped dead in his tracks as the lights went out.  The room was completely dark.  They stared into the dark in silence for a moment and then Rae started laughing.  Finn had to chuckle.

“Well that fucked up your serious talk.”  Rae giggled. 

“Aye.”  Finn muttered and grabbed his lighter from his pocket.  He got up and, lighting the way with his lighter, checked outside.  “Looks like the whole street’s down.”  He told her.  “You got some candles?” 

“I’ve only got a few up here, but there’s more in the downstairs airing cupboard.” 

“Alright, I’ll go get ‘em.”

“Better hurry afore mum gets ‘em all!”  Rae grinned into the darkness at him.  Finn could hear the grin in her voice and grinned in reply. 

“Well we only need a few, so I won’t have to battle her to the death for ‘em.”  Finn said as he left the room.  Rae watched the little glow of light from his lighter, creating a silhouette of him as he moved away from her towards the stairs. 

As soon as he was out of sight it was pitch black in the room.  Rae laid on the bed staring at the ceiling, unable to see it and wishing her eyes would hurry up and adjust.

And then there was a slight scratching noise from above her.  Rae sat up, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, still completely unable to see.  She wasn’t sure that she had heard right and she paused, waiting to see if it would happen again. 

She waited, and all she could hear was Finn and her mum talking softly downstairs.  Probably figuring out what to do about dinner.  She was about to lie back down, shrugging off the noise to her imagination and her slight fear of the dark, when it happened again.  She sat bolt upright and trained her ears to hear the slightest noise.  Another slight scratching noise and a bump.  She sighed. 

“Mice again.”  She muttered and was about to call down to her mum when she heard something that made her freeze, her eyes slowly turning up to the ceiling.

She thought she had heard a sigh.  She stood up and a slight shuffling noise came from the ceiling.  Rae’s eyes focussed on the area the sound was coming from; the ceiling just above her bed.  It was so dark she couldn’t be sure of exactly where on the ceiling she was looking, but she backed away slowly, towards her door, her heart thumping in her chest. 

“What you doing pet?”  He mother asked as she came up the stairs with a couple of candles, Finn following.

“I thought I heard…” Rae paused, “There’s something in the roof.”  She looked over at Finn, he noticed her anxiousness and went to her immediately. 

“Yes I thought I heard some mice the other day.  But it’s been quiet for the past few nights so I thought I were imagining it.”  Linda handed the candles to Rae and headed towards the stairs.  “I’ll get Karim to set some traps.”  She turned, her hand on the bannister, “I was thinking we’d order in some curry for tea, what d’you think?”

“Sounds great.”  Rae answered, forcing herself to smile.  They set up the candles beside the bed and Finn lit her other candles.

“Should of lit ‘em before I went downstairs.”  He gave her an apologetic glance and she shrugged.  “What’s wrong girl?”

“I’m a little scared o’ the dark.”  She confessed. 

“Aye me too.”  Finn laid down on the bed and Rae settled into his arms.  “And it’s never nice hearing things scuttling around in the dark.”  He added as he tightened his arms around her

“I thought I heard a sigh.”  She said softly and Finn considered this for a moment.

“Maybe you got birds up there?”  He asked and Rae felt her nerves instantly fade away. 

“Birds.”  She grinned, “Of course.” 

“They make some fucking weird noises.”  Finn continued, “I remember when I was a wee lad, I could’ve sworn I heard people talking in the roof above me bed.  Went crying to me da.”  Finn grinned as he remembered the scene in his mind, “I were only about 11 or 12, and I were trying to be a big boy.”  Rae laughed softly, “So I’d been listening to it for the past week, growing more afraid to go to sleep in case they came out at night to get me.”  Rae made a sympathetic noise that indicated how cute she thought he was, “Me da went up in the roof; it were a bunch of fucking nesting birds, all chattering away to each other in bird speak.” 

“What happened to ‘em?” 

“Well he cleared ‘em out o; the roof and I felt terribly guilty.  Told ‘im I hated ‘im and I’d never forgive ‘im and cried a whole lot more.”  Rae laughed and Finn grinned happily, “But I slept a lot better that night.”

“Well of course, there was no one talking in your roof.”  Rae added.

“Aye the guilt did not keep me awake!”  He laughed.  “And I slunk downstairs the next morning looking for food, and me dad had cooked a huge fry up for us.” 

“Go’ you’re dad’s a good man.” 

“Aye, that he is.”  Finn agreed, “Although sometimes he’s a right prat.” 

“You still giving him crap about fixing the hole in the wall for him.”

“Every chance I get.”  Finn grinned. 

“Ah you’re a good man!”  Rae said as if giving his father shit is what made Finn a good man.

“Oh aye?”  Finn asked.

“Aye!”  Rae said firmly and sat up to look at him, “The best.”

“Well that’s nice to know.”  He grinned and stroked her face.

“You do know that right?”  She asked as she laid back down.

“I do now.”  Finn said softly, “I mean, not the best… but I know I’m good.” 

“Why not the best?” 

“Cos that implies it’s a competition Rae, and it’s not.”  Finn answered in a confident tone and Rae shifted her position to be able to look at him and still hug, “I’m not better or worse than any of the guys in our friendship circle.”

“You used to think…” Rae paused, not wanting to bring Phil up again.

“I don’t think Phil is better than me anymore.”  Finn gave her a knowing look and she lowered her eyes.  She hated how often they were talking about Philip still.  She wondered how much it hurt Finn. 

“I’m glad.”  She answered honestly.

“Me too.”  He nodded slowly, “It’s a nice feeling to have.”  He stroked her face, “Rhys said something to me that kinda put things into perspective perfectly.”  Finn explained, “He’s a real good bloke. And I’m a real good bloke.  No one’s better than anyone.  Just different.”  He gave her a small content smile, “I’m so fucking glad I finally figured that shit out.”

“So you don’t think I’m better than everyone else then?”  Rae teased.

“I didn’t say that.”  Finn played along.

“You kinda did though.”  Rae pouted.

“Alright!”  Finn laughed, “it’s not a competition girl.” 

“So we’re all equal then.”  Rae said with a cheeky grin, and Finn knew he was walking into a trap, but he did it anyway, with a huge grin on his face.

“Aye that’s what I said.”

“So Stacey and me-”

“NO!”  Finn laughed.

“And Simmy-”

“Alright no… that’s a different thing altogether.  If you’re gonna partake in all sorts of fuckwittery, you’re clearly not one of the good people.”  Finn explained, “All us good people are equal.”

“Alright.”  Rae thought that over, “And where do you draw the line in the sand between good and bad?”  She asked, “Is it not believing in the same god… or is it liking the wrong bands… or-”

“Hurting other people.”  Finn answered firmly.  “That’s my line.” 

“We’ve hurt other people.”  Rae answered, “I’ve hurt you.”

“And vice versa girl.”  He reminded her.  “It’s the deliberate, wilful hurting, you know?”  Finn explained, “Like someone who enjoys doing it or isn’t sorry about it.”  Rae nodded her head slowly.

“Alright.  And are all the bad people equal?”

“Nope.”  Finn said, “There’s a difference between a bully and a murderer.”

“What about a person who bullies someone into suicide?”

“They’re a murderer.”  Finn answered.  “Shit Rae, you sure you not a fucking philosopher!”  He shook his head.  She shrugged and gave him a cheeky grin.  “Changing the topic…” Finn said, “Cos I reckon I’m gonna get my intellectual arse kicked if we keep on down this path.”  Rae chuckled and shook her head.  “Tell me more about how Phil’s going.” 

“You worrying about him?’  Rae asked with real surprise.

“Aye a little.”  Finn acknowledged.  “It’s a long time for that jerk to be off school.  Even with influenza.”  Finn considered, “He’s the sort to just come to school anyway.”

“I think he needed time away from me.”  Rae answered, “He’s thinking of moving to London.”  She added.  Finn caught the tone in her voice and made a small noise in the back of his throat in sympathy for her. 

“You don’t want him to go.”  Finn stated.

“It’d probably be easier for everyone if he did.”  She said, trying to keep the sadness out of her tone.  She was starting to feel like everything was ruined now.  Except for Finn, who was calm, comforting and rock steady.  Finn considered her words for a while, but refrained from commenting on them, instead deciding to chat to Phillip about it 

“What are you thinking Rae?”  He asked her gently, “In truth?” 

“Sometimes I think…” Rae paused, not sure if she should tell Finn this.  He caught her hesitation.

“It’s ok.”  He reassured her, “There is nothing you can say Rae, that’ll make me stop loving you.”  She looked up at him and nodded slowly.

“Sometimes I think he should have been my first, you now, instead o’ Liam.” 

“Well, he’d o’ been much better for you than Liam.”  Finn understood. 

“But then sometimes I wish I’d never been with anyone but you.  I got that whole, be a pure, virginal girl for your man stuff in me head.”  Finn stroked her hair gently.

“You know that’s bullshit right?”  He asked her, “Your worth isn’t determined by how many people you’ve fucked Rae.” 

“I know… but sometimes I think it’d be nice if it had only been you.”

“Sometimes I have the same thought.”  He admitted, “But then I think, all the stuff I did afore I were with you… it made me who I am, I had fun doing it, it taught me a lot… I wouldn’t change it.”  He shrugged, “Not even Olivia.” 

“Really?”

“She were a mistake and she deserved better.”  Finn said, “But I figure if I hadn’t done something like that, I never would of known myself like I do now.”  She sat up and scooted round to see him better, “Sometimes you gotta suffer a bit, and make real big fuck ups to really learn what you gotta know, and to know yourself.”

“Yeah.”  Rae said thoughtfully. 

“There’s all sorts o’ things we’re gonna go through Rae… we’re so young…”  She nodded slowly.  “We’ve got a very long future ahead of us.”

“I’m only 17.”  She whispered.

“It’s a real young age to find the person you’re gonna spend the rest o’ your life with Rae.”  He told her

“Aye but I don’t think our love is any less real or doomed to fail just cos we’re young.”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Finn said reassuringly, “It’s just that you might’ve been better off meeting me in your 20s after a whole lot of exploration.” 

“I have wondered about that.”  She lowered her eyes, “you had all that exploration before you found me…”

“Aye.”  Finn answered, his hand finding hers and squeezing her fingers gently.  “But I’ll never be sorry I chose you, you know?”  She said firmly, “I’ll always wanna be with you.”  Finn’s hand travelled up her arm to her neck, gently stroking her skin, “There’s just this whole other thing… like an alternative reality me.”  She said apologetically, “That wonders…”

“It’s not an alternate reality you Rae, it’s just you, and it’s fine.”  His fingers caressed the line of her jaw, “Cos I understand.  I get that we’re both young, and there’s a whole wide world out there for us to explore.  And we’ll get through it all, with no regrets, no grudges, all support and love, cos you and me is forever.”  Rae nodded, her insides feeling like they were roughly the consistency of molten sugary goo.  She loved him so much; he was the literal definition of a perfect person.  “We’ll travel, we’ll get jobs, we’ll get sacked, we’ll be poor, we’ll get a cat and a dog… and sometimes… sometimes we’ll have other people enter our hearts or minds.”  He shrugged, “But we’ll stick together through it all, cos we’re soul mates; you’re the centre of me world, no matter what we’re both exploring.  And that exploration won’t always be sexual, I imagine a lot of it won’t be…” He paused and let his fingers gently stroke her cheek, “But when it is… I want to try and meet both of our needs, including the fact that you didn’t really get to have a proper explore before you was with me.  So, I know you’re not ok with it now, and you might never be.  And that’s fine.”  He reassured her, “But I wanna be real clear Rae, that I’m ok to open the relationship or to try polyamory if it you need to.  If you wanna have that bit of an explore, you know?  As long as we’re always the centre of everything.”  Rae looked away and nodded. 

“I can’t.  I feel like even thinking about it is betraying us.”  She told him and he gently shook his head, “It’s betraying what we’re supposed to be…”

“Supposed to be?”  Finn asked with an incredulous tone.  “Nothing’ll fuck your life up more than the concept of what’s supposed to happen… or what should happen.”  He shook his head firmly, “And what is it we’re supposed to be Rae?”

“The perfect one true love.”

“Well, we’re the perfect love.”  He answered, “But the idea of the one true love… it’s a bollocks fairy tale, and you know it.”  He said and she bit her bottom lip.

“I know.”  She whispered, “But some girls… fat girls…” She corrected, “We don’t get a lot of love… so we should be thankful when it does come.”

“No Rae.”  Finn sat up and took her face into his hands fiercely, “No you deserve love from everywhere, from everyone.  From as many lads as you want it from.”  He looked into her eyes, “Don’t think like that… you’ll have me thinking you only stay with me cos you think you can’t do better, or you don’t deserve other love… that’s never a good reason to stay with someone.”

“That’s not why…”

“I know.”  Finn answered, letting his hand travel down to her arms.

“The thing is Finn… I know that the whole notion of what romantic love is, is such a mess… it’s so flawed and it basically sets us all up to fail or be miserable trying to live up to the ideal… but I can’t help but think that’s what I should be doing… that I should be grateful to even have the chance to be miserable trying to live up to an ideal no one can ever really reach.”  She shook her head, “I know how stupid it is.  But I can’t get the idea of the perfect one true love out of me head.” 

“Relationships founded on that notion tend to not do so well.  The minute one of the partners slips and lets a bit of reality in everything will start to fall apart.  It’s a house o’ cards that’ll fall apart at the slightest whiff o’ trouble.  Neither of us could be really happy there Rae.”  He stroked her face, “We’re building a fucking fortress of a house Rae.”  He said with a grin, “Nothing will ever bring us down, cos our house is built in reality, not fairy tale bullshit.  We’ve got such a solid foundation, and such an incredibly strong relationship, because we’ve based it all in reality not fantasy.”

“Aye.”  She grinned; he always made her feel so much better.

“Our love is able to glide through anything… things that makes others fall apart make us stronger.  What’s more true and real than that love?”

“Nothing…”  She answered, but then her mind was pierced with the thought of Phil, “but some things are equal.”

“And I’m ok with that.”

“But I’m not.”  Rae answered doggedly, “I want us to be the only ones, for each other.”

“I don’t.”  Finn dismissed her dogged insistence with a cheeky grin and a shrug, “I’m glad Phil loves you like he does.”  Finn continued, “If I were to die tomorrow,”

“Finn…”  Rae looked away with a pained expression on her face.  She hated thinking about Finn dying; he’d gotten too close to that and he had the scar on his abdomen to prove it. 

“No listen Rae… Whether I’m alive or dead; he’ll look after you if and when you need it.  And I know it, you know it and he knows it.  It’s reassuring.”  He shrugged again, “Even if you never get together, he’ll always make sure you don’t hurt yourself, and that you’ve got what you need.  And he’s got the money to really make sure you’ll always have what you need.  So if I die… you’ll never be alone in this world.” 

“I hate this.”  Rae muttered, “You’re not gonna die tomorrow Finn.” 

“No.”  He admitted with a grin, “But the point is, it’s good to have lots of people loving and caring for you; it’s a support network.”  Finn used the terminology Kester had been using for some time now and Rae nodded slowly, “And yours is real strong Rae.  I trust Phil.  I know he’ll always do the right thing by you, no matter how tempted he is to go after you or manipulate you or something like that… He’ll always be a very honourable man.  He’s got my back in the land of making sure Rae’s happy.  And I like that.”  He finished with a serious face that turned into a content grin. 

“You’re nuts.”  Rae said rolling her eyes.

“You must be rubbing off on me girl!”  Finn teased.

“Oi!”  Rae laughed, “Fucking nerve of you!”  She shook her head in mock anger but couldn’t keep the grin off her face.  “Anyway, I’m tired o’ talking ‘bout Phil.”  Rae said firmly, “So show me your cane marks.”  She grinned and Finn lifted his hips and undid his jeans, slipping them off to the knee; they still had to have dinner with Linda and Karim, he’d get naked after that.  “They need some more cream.  She said and gently ran her fingers along them. 

“Macca kinda caught sight of one of ‘em the other day.”  Finn grinned; the thrill of nearly getting caught exciting him even now. 

“Oh yeah?”  Rae asked as she got the cream.  She understood Finn’s excitement at nearly getting caught. 

“He only saw a quick glimpse of one of the ones closest to me knee.”  Finn grinned saucily, “I told him I had an accident.”  Finn shrugged.  Rae carefully rubbed the cream into his cane marks and he leaned back on the bad, watching the candle light flicker on the walls.  He heard the scratching in the roof in the silence and looked directly up at the ceiling.  Rae glanced up and sighed before focussing her attention back on Finn’s wounds.

“Do you think I went too hard on you?”  She looked at the wounds and Finn shook his head.

“It were exactly what I wanted Rae.”  He told her grinning like a jackal, “Do it again in a couple o’ months?”  He cocked an eyebrow at her and she suddenly grinned like the Cheshire cat.

“In a couple o’ months I’ll be taking you as my sub to the sex club.” 

“That’s right!”  Finn remembered, “You’re gonna have’ta hurt me good in December.”  He watched her delicately rubbing cream into his thighs.

“And we’ve got our anniversary in December too.”  Rae said.  They had celebrated the day they’d met, the day they’d first started dating… they’d celebrate the second time they started dating too.  But it was the third time, in December that they were counting as their real anniversary, because they hadn’t broken up since then.

“Aye the day before Archie and Tom get back and we head off for New Year’s.”  Finn grimaced, “Gonna have to somehow carve out some alone time for it.”  Rae looked up to see him thoughtfully staring off.  She grinned and knew he was planning something.

“What are we gonna do for our anniversary?”

“I’ll plan something for it.”  He answered with his brows furrowed, clearly wracking his brains for the perfect idea.  Rae grinned and shook her head.

“I can plan something, it’s our day, we should both plan something to celebrate our love.”  Rae tried to take the pressure off him.

“Or, I can plan something.”  He countered immutably, not really listening; he was in planning mode now.  Rae kissed his temple and put the cream away.  She would make him sit with his pants around his ankles for a few minutes while the cream soaked in, then they’d probably wonder downstairs to spend some time with the family.

“So what have Rhys and Tom got planned for New Year’s?”  Rae knew that they’d talked to Finn to make sure the whole gang would like it.

“I’m not entirely sure, but it’s fair to say it’s pretty awesome.”  Finn answered with a sneaky grin and Rae narrowed her eyes at him.

“You know exactly what they’ve got planned.”  She asserted.

“Might do.”  His smug expression told Rae that he did know what they had planned for New Year’s.

“I’ll get it out of you.”

“No you won’t.”  Finn replied and she hit his arm in frustration, which only made him grin wider. 

“You two!”  Linda called up from downstairs, “Dinner’s here!”  Finn jumped up from the bed and pulled his jeans up while Rae silently plotted how to get the information out of him.  He blew out all but two of the candles, handing one to Rae, who left the room with a pouty expression on her face that Finn shrugged at, making her again narrow her eyes at him.  Finn started to close the door when he stopped, hearing what sounded almost like a cough.  He looked up at the ceiling.

“Definitely fucking birds.”  He shuddered, “Creepy fucking things.”  He closed the door and followed Rae down the stairs. 

 

 

 

 

‘ _Mystify’ by Inxs_

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMi5KU0UjYE>

 

Macca bit his top lip in concentration and tried to not feel completely self-conscious.  They were going to practice football skills before playing a match against the first years today.  But as he’d run out onto the field, he saw Finn talking to Rae in the crowd, and next to Rae was Bethany. 

Last night, he’d had a wet dream about her.  A rather pornographic, extremely detailed and utterly incredible wet dream; he’d cum so hard he’d woken himself up with a cry of pleasure.  He’d also woken his parents up… that had been a fun thing to explain.  This had become a habit now; Finn chatting to Rae before their PE class got going, she had free periods for most of them, and it turned out Bethany did too.  And part of the habit was Macca joining them. 

He switched to biting his bottom lip and set out across the field at a jog, eager to have a quick chat with her, but also anxious that she’d somehow know all the dirty things he’d done to her in his head last night.  He was still biting his lip when he approached, hardly able to look at her; what if she could just sense what a pervert he was? 

“Hey there.”  Bethany said as he stopped next to Finn.  He grinned and let his eyes fall on her face.  Instantly the images of her naked body from his dreams erupted into his memory and he looked away suddenly, trying to cover it by faking a cough.

“Hey ladies.”  Macca said stiffly.  Finn gave him a glance, clearly wondering why he’d addressed them like that, and sat down next to Rae.  “Finn.”  Macca said to him.

“Hi gentleman.”  Bethany said with a cynical grin, noticing that he didn’t seem to be able to hold eye contact with her. 

“The fuck’s up your arse?”  Finn asked and Macca shook his head.

“Nothing.”  He stuttered slightly but put on his best nonchalant air and sat down between Rae and Bethany.  The space between the girls wasn’t really big enough for him and Rae ended up scooting over for him, but he still ended up closer to Bethany than he’d ever been; their legs touched from ankle to hip. 

“How’s Tuesday treating you ladies?”  Finn asked emphasising the word ladies to make fun of Macca, who narrowed his eyes in return.

“I’m doing fine Finn.”  Bethany replied with a grin.

“I don’t think I’m a lady.”  Rae replied, “In fact I’m happily not a lady.”

“Yeah I’m gonna have to go with Rae on this.”  Bethany agreed, “Far prefer being a woman than a lady.”

“I don’t even know what the difference is.”  Macca looked at his feet studiously. 

“Well ladies have a lot more restrictions than women.”  Bethany said in an educational tone.

“Like having to hold a thrupenny between your thighs at all times.”  Rae said with a teasing grin to Finn.

“Can’t have that!”  Finn said with laughing horror.  “Although I can bend you over.”  He whispered to her saucily, so that the others couldn’t hear, “And make you keep that thrupenny between your thighs and still have me way with you.” 

“Well I insist you do that now, kind sir.”  She replied breathily.

“You saucy minx.”

“Oh no sir, I’m a lady.”  Rae said with a posh accent and a tone of complete innocence.

“I’m not sure what they’re talking about.”  Macca said with an awkward grin.

“Sex.”  Bethany said with a nod, “It’s kinda obvious.”  She nodded towards Rae and Finn as they continued their private conversation quietly. 

“Well yeah…” Macca said softly, “I kinda failed at making a joke just then… can we erase that?”

“No way!”  Bethany laughed, “I’m locking that one away forever.” 

“Alright.”  Macca blushed and looked away, “So… what’d you do last night?”

“Homework, hung with my family, went to bed.  Laid in bed naked for several hours… but now we’re into the morning…” She grinned cheekily at Macca and his smile froze on his lips. 

“And… and how did you sleep?”  He couldn’t get the idea of her sleeping naked out of his mind now. 

“Like I said, in me bed.  With a pillow… blankets…”  She grinned almost saucily and Macca was completely taken in by her beauty. 

“Na-” Macca stopped himself from saying ‘naked’ and lowered his eyes, “Did you dream?”  He instantly regretted saying it because he opened himself up to receiving the same question. 

“Yeah I had a wet dream actually.”  She teased, she hadn’t actually had one last night, but she was used to boys thinking that girls couldn’t have wet dreams and not knowing what to do with themselves when they found out that they could and did.  But Macca nodded stiffly.

“Really?”  He could feel how big his eyes had become and knew he had to cool it.

“Yeah.”  She grinned, not sure why he was acting the way he was.  She watched him lick his lips.

“Anyone I know?”  He laughed awkwardly. 

“Yeah a couple o’ lads at school.”  She decided to go all in, see how much she could shock this gorgeous, stupid boy. 

“A couple?”  Macca didn’t even know what to think.  But his first coherent thought was wondering if he was one of them.

“Yeah, it were a great orgy.  Dream me is so much more of a slut than waking me.”  Bethany grinned, “I really gotta catch up with myself, you know what I mean?” 

“You wanna have an orgy?”  Macca’s mouth felt numb; he was so out of his depth with Bethany.

“Sure why not?”  She shrugged.  “If the opportunity arises, I wouldn’t turn it down.”  She frowned suddenly, “as long as everyone involved is attractive.”

“Attractive how?”  Macca scratched his neck to try and make himself seem nonchalant. 

“Sexually Macca.”  Bethany answered, “You know what that means right?”

“Yeah, I meant… what makes someone sexually attractive to you?”  He felt his stomach knot, terrified of what she might say, berating himself for asking such a stupid, forward question.

“YOU TWO!”  The coach was calling out to them and Macca and Finn looked out at the playing field.  Finn sighed and turned to kiss Rae.

“See you in a bit.”  Bethany said, knowing he’d be at lunch with them after PE. 

The girls watched the boys walking away.

“Fat cunts.”  They heard from behind them.  Bethany gave them the finger without even turning to see who it was.  But Macca, trailing slightly behind Finn had heard it too.  He turned suddenly and saw a group of first years looking at Rae and Beth and laughing.

“HEY FUCK YOU!”  He yelled at them.  “You fucking shit eating, mingy slags!”  Everyone looked at him with surprise.  Including the coach, who promptly sent him to Principal Dixon. 

 

 

***

 

 

“At least it’s cool down here.”  Tom pulled his shirt off his chest to let some air in, “Even if it is kinda creepy.”

“Well I’d be surprised if you didn’t think it was a little creepy.”  Archie grinned.  They were following a few people down into the catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa in Alexandria.  It was a long, dark descent underground, dimly lit and highly atmospheric.  Archie’s general level of excitement had reached a kind of fever when they’d gotten into Alexandria.  Tom had watched his man be enraptured by the beautiful city by the ocean with an ever growing sense of belonging and love.  Archie had whispered to him last night that you can tell a lot about a person when you travel with them, and if you can’t get along with them while travelling, don’t bother marrying them.  Right now Tom was reflecting on that idea and how they’d talked about how amazing it was to travel together and spend whole days together exploring and discovering.  Tom could tell that when he got home he would very much regret having to go to work, and Archie to university; having to go back to spending the whole day apart most days of the week. 

“See the statues?”  Archie said as they stopped descending downwards and entered a larger room.  Tom nodded and took them in carefully, his fingers playing with his engagement ring happily.  “They’ve got a bit of Greek, Roman and Egyptian in them.”  He grinned, “Those three cultures all merged together here.” 

“I can tell.”  Tom nodded.  Archie had been pointing out different art styles during this entire trip, and Tom had been paying attention.  Archie gave him a grateful look.

“You actually listen to me, don’t you?”

“Every single word.”  Tom said as they continued through the catacombs.

“You don’t get bored?  I do bang on a bit.”

“Oh you bang on more than a bit Arch.”  Tom grinned at Archie’s mock outrage, “But I don’t get bored.”  The look of outrage melted into one of appreciation.

“Just as well.”  Archie said with a satisfied grin, “You’re gonna be hearing it for the rest of your life.”

“I am so very happy about that.”  The fingers of Tom’s left hand again moved around, playing with his ring, his thumb caressing it gently. 

The catacombs seemed to be winding, but were in fact well organised on three levels, the bottom level was flooded, but on the second level, wooden planks had been laid down along the muddy, and in some places wet, pathways.  There were dozens of holes for bodies carved out of the rock walls and they walked past the empty, gaping holes with a shudder. 

“This place makes you feel like the spirits of these people are following you.”  Tom whispered.  Mohamed hadn’t wanted to come down into the catacombs and was waiting for them up in the sun, while they wandered around underground with the dead.  Mohammed was planning a nice lunch for them somewhere along the Mediterranean coast; the three of them were going to eat together and get to know each other better.  Both Archie and Tom had a feeling they’d be staying in contact with Mohammed when they got back home. 

They went into a smaller room off the wooden planks and looked at burial area with bones still in it. 

“Apparently they’re horse bones.”  Archie said when he saw the look on Tom’s face, “But we’ll probably see human bones in Siwa.”  He warned Tom and Tom nodded slowly. 

“After the mummies in the Cairo museum, I think I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah!”  Archie agreed as they looked around the small room, “you think you know what you’re in for after seeing ‘em on tv.  But no!  They look so…”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get Ramses the second out of my mind.”  Tom agreed and Archie grinned. 

“You can tell exactly what he looked like in life.”

“The technology they had and stuff they did was fucking amazing.”  Tom marvelled, “Putting aside the fact that we are yet to stay in a five star hotel…” Tom grinned at Archie, “This has been such an amazing trip already.  The things I’ve seen and done…”  He took Archie’s hand, “Never would have done any o’ this stuff without you.”

“Especially that grand pyramid of Cheops thing…” Archie said with a smug, satisfied grin.

“Especially that.”  Tom answered stepping closer to Archie taking his hand.  Archie enjoyed the feel of Tom’s ring on his finger and his eyes dropped to Tom’s lips.  They dropped their hands quickly when they heard some people coming up the walkway, talking loudly. 

“Who the hell talks that loudly in fucking catacombs.”  Archie shook his head. 

“Remember those guys yelling and trying to get an echo in the pyramid of Khafre?”  Tom asked shaking his head.

“The annoying thing is that the Egyptian authorities have asked people to be respectful at sites like these, but particularly inside the pyramids cos noise and echoes are causing problems and they might have to close them off to people permanently.”  They left the small room as a couple of other people entered, laughing about how spooky it was.

“I didn’t know that.  I’m so glad we got to go inside them.”  He gave Archie a grateful smile and Archie grinned in return, equally as grateful for Tom’s never ending patience and interest in him and the things he liked.

 

 

***

 

 

Macca grinned when Bethany motioned for him to come and sit next to her.  She usually insisted on sitting alone in advanced mathematics; she liked to focus.  And while Macca wanted to be near her, he didn’t mind it so much in this class; he was struggling to pass it and needed to focus. 

But he sat down beside her eagerly, trying to look relaxed, not worrying at all about his need to focus as his eyes fell on her, the rest of the class milling in around him.  No one else from the school gang was in the class, except for Phil, but he was still missing in action. 

She turned to him, already grinning.

“What’d Dixon say yester?”  She asked.  He hadn’t been able to see her again for the rest of the day and had gone home dejected and worried about what she was thinking about him. 

“I got a warning, a heap of detention and an essay on bullying and name-calling and shite.  Me parents were right pissed off.”  He shrugged. 

“You weren’t the one bullying.”  She gave an unimpressed look.  Macca shrugged again.

“Yeah but I didn’t tell her nought.”

“Why not?”

“It’s none of her fucking business is it?”  Macca said with a frown, “She don’t know shit about what it like to be in College.  She only cares about covering her arse and us grading well against the national fucking average.” 

“I don’t mind Dixon.”  Bethany shrugged.  “I wish she hadn’t given you detention but.”  She leaned into him, pushing her shoulder against his momentarily before righting herself.  Macca’s heart skipped a beat.  “Thanks by the way.”

“S’alright.”  He shrugged and tried to not grin like a fool. 

“It’s nice having friends like you.”  She told him and Macca’s heart dropped slightly, “I honestly thought you wouldn’t be my friend at College, last year you seemed like a bit of a knob.” 

“I were a bit of a knob.”  He confessed.

“That Simmy guy…”

“Utter wanker.”  Macca said apologetically, “I’d just known him since I were wee lad, so I kinda just got used to hanging around him I s’pose.”  Macca explained, “I don’t talk to him anymore.”

“Good.”  Bethany said fiercely. 

“What happened?”  Macca’s brows furrowed deeply, knowing Simmy it was probably something awful.

“He always teased me about me body and that weren’t so bad cos I’m used to it and I usually have smart arse comeback…” 

“He shouldn’t have ever done that.”  Macca answered instantly thinking about the things he himself had said about Rae before he knew her, when he had heard she was with Finn. 

“I suppose, but it wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t handle it… but there was this one time…” She hesitated, her eyes hazing over with memory.  Macca felt his mouth go dry as he started to worry about what she was going to say.  Simmy used to brag about bullying fat girls… now Macca began to wonder if one of them had been Bethany.  Simmy had one story he really delighted in; cornering a fat girl and slamming her into a wall before forcing her to eat a meat pie, he always said loudly that he pushed it right into her ‘pig mouth’ while she cried.  Macca hadn’t laughed at that.  But he hadn’t told Simmy it was wrong either.  He hadn’t said anything.  He’d just gone along with Simmy, which summed up a lot of his life until Finn and Chop stepped in over the Archie bullying.  Seeing someone else stand up to Simmy had made Macca re-evaluate his friendship with him, as well as consider the kind of person he was around him.  He didn’t like who he had been around Simmy.  He hated the thought that Simmy might have made Bethany eat that pie.  He bit the inside of his mouth as he watched her, wondering what she’d say. 

“There was this one time,” She repeated, her eyes clearing and she looked at Macca and shrugged it off before she’d even said it, “He was a bit of a shit to me.”  She said softly, “I suppose he came after me like that cos I weren’t upset by his regular taunts.”

“What did he do?”  Macca asked angrily and Bethany returned the cross expression.

“I don’t wanna talk about it Andrew McAdams!”  She retorted and Macca looked way.  Yes, he knew Simmy had made her eat that pie.  He was going to kill Simmy.  “You know, when you sat down next to me at that party during the holidays, and started chatting, I were actually ready for it to be a prank or something… cos I’d seen you hanging with Simmy.”  Macca nodded slowly, the weight of his past friendship with Simmy bearing down on him.  “I nearly didn’t talk to you.”

“I’m glad you did.”  He tried to make his throat sound less thick with fury at Simmy, but failed.  But most of his rage was directed at himself.  He had enabled a guy like Simmy to continue to bully for years just by being his friend and not speaking up.  There had been multiple times that Macca had worried that Simmy had crossed the line but he’d done nothing about it.  He raged at himself thinking that had he said something sooner, that the pie incident might not have happened to Bethany. 

“Me too.”  She grinned and Macca found his anger disappearing when he saw that grin.  But he knew he had to hang on to that anger at himself; had to change and make amends.  “You didn’t have to have a go at those girls you know.”  She told him.  Macca bit the inside of his mouth, guilt whirling around inside of him.

“Yeah I did.”  He answered, trying to hide his guilt and sadness.  She shrugged with a grin and looked at the door for a moment, students were still slowly walking in.  He cleared his throat and changed the topic, “Wednesdays are always the crappest days.”  He said as he watched the door with her.  Kurt came in laughing with a couple of other lads and Macca saw Bethany’s eyes appraise him.  Macca looked at Kurt and furrowed his brows. 

“They’re not too bad.”  She turned her eyes to him, “Double period of maths is a bit rough but.”  She grinned, “Still, at least I got you to keep me entertained.”  Her eyes scanned the room again and Macca saw them linger on Kurt for a moment.

“He’s quite a pretty boy.”  Macca commented.  Again he had said something he instantly regretted and he looked away rolling his eyes at his own stupidity. 

“Yeah.”  Bethany said with a cheeky grin, “Looks a lot like his sister.”  She added.  “And if incest weren’t so wrong and disgusting, that would be one hell of a fucking threesome.”  She grinned as Macca scrunched his nose. 

“So you go for girls then?”  He asked and she shrugged.

“Sometimes.”  She turned her appraising eyes on him and Macca could feel the blush coming up in his cheeks, “D’you go for girls?”

“Yeah of course.”  He realised he had said it far too eagerly as soon as the words left his mouth. 

“What about boys?”  She stared at him keenly.

“I dunno.”  He said uncomfortably.  “I never really thought about it.”

“It’s alright Macca, some people are just straight.” 

“And you go for boys… I mean you said… that guy with the roll-on deodorant dick.”  He tried to stop himself from biting the corner of his bottom lip.

“Yeah I go for boys too.” 

“Does it ever get boring being with just one when you like both?” 

“Depends on what they’re like.”  She leaned towards him slightly and her shirt fell forward revealing her cleavage and hint of a red bra.  Macca’s eyes fell to her chest and instantly rose to the ceiling.  Bethany was looking down at her hands and hadn’t seen the look.  When she looked back up at Macca, looking at the ceiling, she broke out into a smile; he was so odd sometimes.  “Does it ever get boring just liking one gender?”  She asked him pointedly and he turned his eyes down to her.

“No.”  He blinked, desperately trying to stop his eyes from straying south to her incredible cleavage.  “But girls are a lot more interesting than lads.”  He grinned.

“That’s true.”  She shot back and Macca’s brow instantly furrowed.  She grinned and looked back at the door as the teacher bustled in.  “A little birdy told me that you were flunking this class Mr McAdams.”  She turned her eyes back to him and he lowered his.

“Yeah.”  He admitted unhappily.

“You know I got the same mark as Phil on the last test?”  Bethany told him and he raised his eyes.

“Yeah I know you’re right good at it.  All these lads say girls can’t do maths and you put ‘em all to shame.”

“Except Phil, but he never talks shit about girls.”  She cocked her eyebrows, “So I guess it’s ok that I can’t beat him yet.” 

“You’ll beat him.”  Macca said with real surety. 

“Whether I do or not… Since I’m so good at it… and you’re so shit at it…” She watched Macca blush slightly and lower his eyes, biting the inside of his mouth, “Want me to tutor you?”  His eyes flicked back up to hers.

“Yeah for sure.”  He said instantly, again telling himself to not look so eager.

“Great.  Give me your timetable.”  Macca quickly wrote down when his classes were and Bethany mentally compared it to when she had free periods.  “Friday afternoon it is.”  Bethany grinned.  “We can do it at the library, or one of our houses since it’s the last period of the day.  Won’t have to come back to school.”

“My parents aren’t home till 8 on Fridays.”  Macca looked away and nearly physically kicked himself for being so obvious.  It didn’t matter if parents were around if they were just doing homework. 

“Your place it is then.”  She said as the teacher started to speak. 

 

 

***

 

 

“I’m just saying at least I know who my competition is.”  Tom laughed as Archie rolled his eyes.

“I wasn’t that bad.”  He shook his head.

“No, you just stared at the statue of Alexander’s giant head and nearly cried for almost an hour.”  Tom teased.  Archie turned his eyes to Tom and shook his head.

“It’s Alexander the great.  You should have nearly cried too!”  He laughed.

“I nearly did when I realised my man loves a dead geezer so much.”  Tom laughed gleefully at the unimpressed look Archie gave, “At least he’s not prettier than me.”

“I don’t think there is a man prettier than you is there?”  Archie asked.

“If you’re trying to win back my affection after that display in the Museum of Alexandria Archie…”  Tom said with an unimpressed look that dissolved into a grin, “you’re on the right track, keep going.”  They stopped for some sugar cane juice and headed towards the restaurant they were meeting Mohammed in.  He had spent the day planning the trip to Siwa Oasis for them; he wasn’t going, so even though Archie had planned everything already, Mohammed went around and double checked their bookings and got the bus tickets for them.  And Archie was happy to let him do it; they were paying him a daily fee, and it meant he didn’t have to do it and they had had more time at the museum.  Which had been lucky in the end, given how overwhelmed he had been by all the artefacts pertaining to Alexander.

 

 

Their hotel room had massive windows looking out over the Mediterranean Sea; it was threadbare and worn but clean and the view was incredible.  But no matter how often Tom saw that view, it would never be enough.  He loved the beach.  He sat down on the blanket and Mohammed grinned at him; he’d organised a beach picnic on the private beach of one of the five star hotels. 

“I was born in the wrong country.”  Tom sighed.

“Where would you rather be?’  Mohammed asked.

“Anywhere Archie is.”  Tom answered.  Archie was using the bathroom and they were waiting for him to return before they ate dinner.  Tom had to admit that if they had been staying at five star hotels the whole time, the trip wouldn’t have been as fun or immersive.  They would have been at a restaurant now, instead of sitting on this beautiful beach. 

“Where do you wish Archie was?”  Mohammed tried again.

“Somewhere with warm weather, great rights for gays and beautiful beaches.”  He answered, “Those three things and Archie would make me a very happy man indeed.” 

“Well I wish you great happiness Tom.”  Mohammed said with a smile, but Tom detected a hint of sadness.

“What’s wrong?”  Mohammed sighed.

“I am staying with my Aunt while we are here.”  He reminded Tom and Tom nodded, “She knows that I am gay.”  Mohammed looked out at the ocean, “She tells me that my mother wants to arrange a marriage for me.”

“That happens here?”  Tom asked as Archie returned and Mohammed nodded. 

“It’s not common.”  He sighed, “It’s also not entirely uncommon.” 

“What happens here, neither commonly nor uncommonly?”  Archie asked and Tom quickly told him the story.

“Can you refuse?”  Archie asked with a concerned face. 

“Of course.”  Mohammed gave them a strange look, “But it would be easier if I just got married and gave my mother grandchildren.”

“Maybe you can find a nice lesbian to marry?”  Tom suggested and Mohammed’s spirits seemed to lift. 

“I do know of a woman under great pressure to marry, but lives with her girlfriend.”  Mohammed answered.  “It would solve all of our problems.” 

“I’m sorry your parents are being dicks, I know what it’s like to have shitty parents.”  Tom sympathised.

“They are not bad.  They have loved and supported me through many… mistakes.”  Mohammed’s eyebrows furrowed.  “Even though I am young and lots of Egyptians marry late after a long engagement, they worry.  Because I have not even had a girlfriend.  They worry that without love I’ll turn back to-” He stopped himself and lowered his eyes.

“Have you had some trouble?”  Tom asked, “Mistakes?”  He picked up on Mohammed’s previous word. 

“I have.”  Mohammed said reluctantly.  “When I was 15, we were quite poor.”  He looked away, his knees tucked up, his arms leaning on them as he looked over the ocean.  “There was a lot of anger and talk about what made Egyptians poor.  People were angry at the government.  Still are.”  He added and took a deep breath.  “There was a man, who spoke at our mosque.  My father did not like him, he said he used Islam to forward his own agenda, rather than followed Islam in peace as we all should.  But I was rebellious against my father.”

“I think all kids get rebellious.”  Archie tried to comfort him but Mohammed shook his head sadly.

“Less than a year later I was training with the militant wing of Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya.”  Archie’s mouth opened in shock, but Tom’s face betrayed nothing but sympathy.  Tom had heard all sorts of shocking confessions in his time, and he wasn’t entirely sure what Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya was anyway.  Archie looked over at Tom and knew he needed filling in.

“Those are the guys that are currently attacking and killing police officers all over the country.”  Archie said.

“And some tourists.”   Mohammed added.  Tom blinked a few times as he took that in and nodded his head for Mohammed to continue.  “We were training to do some very terrible things.”  He told them.  “I was particularly angry with this world and government.  I don’t know why I thought it would be better with Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya; they want an Islamic state.”  He shook his head, “And they are brutally conservative.”  He sighed, “I’ll be far worse off if they ever win.  But at the time, I just wanted things to change.”

“What did change?”  Tom asked.

“My aunt.  The one I am staying with now.”  He smiled slightly, “We did this training were we would infiltrate a large crowd and set ourselves up in position to stop them from escaping so that we could take them hostage or kill them if need be.”  Mohammed said, obviously embarrassed and disgusted, “We would practice at large rallies… they told us to imagine we were at the pyramids, herding up tourists.”  He lowered his eyes.  “My aunt was at a rally we practiced at.”  He grinned at them, “She literally pulled me from the crowd by the ear.”  Archie scoffed in surprise.  “My Aunt is a formidable woman.  A politician in a very male dominated country.  And for all my training, I didn’t want to hurt someone so dear to me.”

“She sounds incredible.”  Tom said.

“She was angry; my mother had been worrying about me for the past 18 months since I had disappeared into the group.  I hadn’t been home, I hadn’t contacted them.  I hadn’t even realised how long it had been.”  He looked up at Tom and Archie, “Even so, she could not make me stay and I left.  They were supposed to be my family now.  But when I returned, and they continued to speak their hatred, my father’s words came to me: this is not Islam.”  His expression was fierce and proud, “It’s not Islam.  What they follow, what they do… it is not Islam.”  He looked away, “But it was when I realised that my aunt herself was a high value target that I truly knew I could not stay.  But what was I to do with my anger?” 

“D’you go back to your aunt?”  Archie asked.

“I lived with her for a few years, our family was no longer so poor, so I finished my education, was given better opportunities.  I talked in great depth with my aunt, and I learned how to deal with my anger better and I am involved with politics a little now; I still want change.  But not like that.”

“And your parents know.”  Tom lowered his eyes, “Sorry I assumed they were shitty.”

“It is alright.”  Mohammed answered, “They know.  They forgive me.  My father has been teaching me more about Islam.  Islam is about peace, not war.  Jihad is to be fought within yourself, against your base instincts… not against innocents.  One can only fight back if one is attacked first.”  He shook his head, “What these men believe is a perversion.  Not Islam.”  Mohammed looked at them, willing them to understand.  “Human life is sacred in Islam, not just Muslim lives; all human lives.  And yet they use the Quran to justify the taking of those lives.”  He shook his head, “No true Muslim supports them, believe me.” 

“I do, don’t worry.”  Archie said and Tom nodded his head.

“I feel great shame that I ever…” He shook his head.  “I work hard to make amends to my family and community.”  He finished, “after paying my living expenses, all of the money I make from this job will be going to help the widows and children of police officers killed by Al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya.”  Archie thought that by that he look on Mohammed’s face, he had seen things he wished he had not seen. 

“We all make mistakes.”  Archie felt that this was a wholly inadequate thing to say, but Mohammed still smiled thoughtfully.

“Thank you.”  He took a deep breath, “But this is no way for three friends to spend their last meal together for a while.”  Mohammed grinned, “It will be 3 weeks before I meet up with you by the Nile!”  He shook his head, “Let’s smoke a hookah and eat far too much.” 

“That’s the fucking spirit!”  Tom laughed and Archie shook his head; just last night Tom had complained that his six-pack was disappearing.  Tom was the kind of man that didn’t mind how anyone else looked, but he liked for himself to have a six-pack.  Archie could be the size of a house or a string of spaghetti and Tom would love him and find him attractive.  But Tom had to have a six-pack.  Archie made fun of him often about this and told him he’d be the only grandpa in the retirement home with a six-pack and Tom always agreed that he would have one till the day he died. 

 

 

It was late when they got on their bus; they were heading straight for Siwa Oasis because there had been some unrest in the countryside between Alexandria and Siwa Oasis.  From there they were going to organise day trips back to the sites they wanted to see.  They had a 13 hour overnight bus trip in store for them. 

They settled down on the bus, Tom putting in some earphones and getting out a book while Archie settled in to try and get some sleep.  An hour later Archie was rudely awoken when the call to prayer came blaring through the bus speakers at a volume that could only be described as ear-splitting.  He looked over at Tom, expecting to see the same sleepy expression on his face.  But Tom was looking at the driver and the then out the front window, then back to the driver, clearly worried.  Archie furrowed his brows.

“What’s up?” 

“He’s doing 200km an hour.”  Tom told him and Archie sat up and looked at the driver’s speedometer. 

“Holy shit.”  Archie said and looked out the front window; the headlights barely lit up the road ahead. 

“This is a 13 hour, overnight trip.”  Tom said softly, “Is he gonna drive the whole thing like this?”

 

 

He did.  With no breaks.  And the call to prayer sounded every hour.

The sun was rising when they got in at Siwa Oasis.  Tom and Archie emerged from the bus, sleepy and stiff.  It was a beautiful, sleepy feeling town, with a few donkey drawn carts waiting to take people to their homes.  Tom and Archie were driven by a pre-pubescent boy on a rickety donkey drawn cart to their hotel; a five star eco-lodge with all the modern amenities built entirely out of mud brick.  Tom eyed their huge luxury room lovingly and grinned at Archie. 

“For me?”  He grinned as if accepting an expensive gift he had no intention of ever letting go of, “You shouldn’t have.” 

 

 

***

 

 

Macca skipped out on his science class to go to the library to try and study maths.  He had his first tutoring date with Bethany tomorrow and he didn’t want to look nearly as dumb as he was.  Like Finn, he’d picked up a couple of extra classes to make his failing last year seem less bad for when he applied to university and he was busier than he had intended to be.  Even so, he wasn’t accustomed to hanging out in the library.  He kept his head down and found an empty table, opening his books without looking around, he focussed on his work.  He was so engrossed with getting annoyed at how much he didn’t understand it, that when Bethany sat down opposite him with an amused grin on her face, he barely noticed.  He looked up and started, a huge grin hitting his lips before he had chance to remind himself to play it cool.  She put a book down on the table and looked at him. 

“Hey.”  He said chirpily. 

“Hey.”  She replied and pulled one of his books towards her.  “Aren’t I supposed to be teaching you this stuff?”

“Yeah.”  Macca admitted slowly. 

“Trying to impress me?”  She asked drolly. 

“What?  No!”  Macca tried to hide how accurate what she had said was and pulled a face to indicate that was a ludicrous idea.  He looked down this books and Bethany stared at him for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face.  She bit the inside of her cheek and looked away, unsure how to proceed. 

“Well I suppose I better leave you to it then.”  She stood up but Macca looked up at her.

“No.”  He simply said, his mind not able to come up with an adequate reason to ask her to stay. 

“No?”  She asked, confused about what he wanted her to do.

“It’s fine.”  He almost stuttered, “Hang around.  I don’t mind.”

“I don’t wanna get in the way of whatever you’re doing.”  She went to pick up her book but Macca put his hand over hers gently.  They paused, both looking at their hands touching.  Macca looked up at Bethany.

“You can stay.”  He tried to sound as calm as he could and carefully withdrew his hand.  Bethany sat down without a word, her hand still on her book.  They both looked at the table and sat in silence for a while.  “Have you got any plans for the weekend?”  He asked as casually as he could.

“Not really.”  She answered, “I just usually do homework until I find myself at the bottom of what I thought was an endless pit of despair.”  Macca grinned.  He enjoyed her sense of humour.  “Or I go out with friends and we do stuff that I will never be able to tell my parents about.”  Macca’s mouth opened slightly in desire and he made himself close it and nod thoughtfully instead.  “You?” 

“Same.”  He grinned, “Although, by all accounts I’m not nearly as wild as you.”  He joked.

“I’m sure we could fix that if you wanted.”  She shrugged, “I mean you could fix it.”  She corrected, “However you wanted to.”  She furrowed her brows and sighed internally. 

“You wanna help me fix it?”  He asked, his cock giving him an aching throb under the table, and had to stop himself from shaking his head at himself in dismay at what he had just said.

“Tutor you in how to be a wild child?”  She asked and Macca silently let out a breath; she hadn’t taken it the way he had meant it. 

“Yeah what else would I mean?”  He scoffed, overcompensating for the mistakes he was continuously making whenever he talked to her. 

“I dunno, you could have been asking me to fuck you.”  She decided to tease him; seemed like the most reasonable thing to do.  Macca’s mouth opened in surprise and desire.  Mostly desire.  He laughed nervously, sounding like a virgin, and he literally stomped his own foot under the table and reminded himself he most definitely was not a virgin and he needed to get it together.  But there was something about her that turned him into a blubbering mess. 

“You’d know it if I were doing that.”  He answered in the most confident voice he’d been able to muster around her since he’d first realised he liked her.  Bethany looked at him for a moment before lowering her eyes in thought. 

“Like to seduce girls do you?”  She asked and Macca tried to put on his best cool, calm and collected demeanour.

“The right ones.”  He answered, finally feeling a little bit of his usual cocky self-esteem coming back to him.  He knew that this calmness was coming from the fact that he was still mashing his own foot under the table, and the pain was allowing his mind to focus somehow.

“Right.”  Bethany answered unimpressed and picked up her book.  Bethany had heard that kind of thing before; it’s what fit lads said to mean they were after thin girls.  She’d been told by fit lads that they only dated the right girls… but they’d try and fuck the wrong ones of course.  And apparently, she was the wrong girl.  She had hoped Macca wasn’t like that.  She had thought he had more depth than that.  She hated being wrong. 

Macca watched her reading her book and realised that a moment had passed between them that wasn’t good.  He fought with his own brain, trying to think of a way to redeem the situation.

“But you know the right girl for me… isn’t the same as the right girl for most lads.”  Bethany looked up at him, her eyes narrowed.

“What’s that mean?”

“It means I don’t just go for the girls other lads go for.”  He shrugged, “I like to make me own decisions.” 

“Yeah but I hear that your last girlfriend was Anne Fitzgerald, I did choir with her.  She is exactly the kind o’ girl most lads would go for.”  She looked back down at her book, “I heard some lads saying she was a 10, and they wondered how you got her since you was more a 7or 8.”  Macca looked away, his eyes narrowing.  This was not going so well.  “I hate those fucking rating systems you know?”  She said, “Bringing human beings down to a number designed to show whether you’d fuck ‘em or not.”  She shook her head, “Fucking disgusting.”  Macca couldn’t deny Anne.  And he had enjoyed being with Anne.  She’d been a really fun girl, and they had had an awful lot of sex.  He liked who he was when he was with Anne, and she hated who he was when he was around Simmy.  She had been a genuinely great girl.  But in the end they had split amicably, both of them enjoying and liking each other quite a bit, but not enough for a long term relationship.  She had gone to a privately funded school; their College was a public school, and she was at university in London now.  She was heading back to Stamford soon and had asked him to hook up for the night.  He hadn’t known how to reply to her phone call; he’d neither accepted nor declined. 

“Yeah Anne is very beautiful.”  Macca nodded.  “Just because a bunch o’ lads think she’s hot, don’t mean she is, or she isn’t.”  He said, “She’s a nice girl.”  He added, “Real smart.  No real sense o’ humour but.”  He grinned as he thought about her.  “I liked her a lot.”  He took a deep breath before continued, “And I won’t deny that I first went for her cos she were hot, and all the lads wanted her.  But we was together 6 months and I got to know her real well.”  Macca told her, “And that were over a year ago.”  He’d been playing the field semi-successfully since then.  “I were lucky that she were attractive and real nice.  She taught me a lot.”  He said.  “And I know now that I should o’ got to know her a bit afore I went for her.”  He shrugged, “you live and you learn.  I’ve grown up a bit since then.”  She looked him up and down and looked back down at her book.  “I don’t just go for girls that are hot by other lads’ standards anymore.”  He said slowly and Bethany’s heart dropped.  She hated hearing things like that; if he went for her, it was a tacit admittance that he thought she wasn’t hot.  “And my definition of beauty and hotness has broadened considerably since I were 16.”  He finished and shrugged.  She raised her eyes; that was more promising. 

“Oh yeah?”  She sounded nonchalant, “How’s that?”

“I think most women are beautiful.”  Macca furrowed his brows and then nodded; yes that was what he genuinely felt now. 

“Are some more appealing than others?”  She asked him and his eyes lingered on her face.

“Most definitely.”  His eyes dropped to the table, “but that doesn’t make other girls less beautiful.” 

“Very true.  My beauty isn’t lessened just cos you don’t wanna put your dick in me.”  She meant it as a broad statement but Macca raised his eyes to her instantly.

“I didn’t say that.”  He said softly.  There was a moment of silence in which Bethany found herself holding her breath, “I didn’t say I did either.”  He lowered his eyes again and Bethany let her breath out.  What was it about this dickhead that made her so ridiculously on edge around him?

“Doesn’t matter either way.”  She brushed it off and he shrugged as if it didn’t matter.  “It’s not like we’re gonna fuck.”  She added.  Macca stared at her face as she spoke, her eyes on her book. 

“I s’pose.”  He muttered.

“You got a girl in your crosshairs then?”  She asked him without looking up.

“Yes.”  Macca’s eyes dropped to her lips.  Bethany stopped everything for a moment as her heart fell.  But she nodded in as blasé a manner as she could muster.

“Course you do.  I’m sure you’ll get her.”

“I sure hope so.”  Macca kept staring at her face as she read.  “You got your eye on any lads?”

“Oh just all of them.”  She grinned and looked up at him, startled to see him staring at her, “All the girls too.”  She added softly. 

“So any lad that wants to get with you has got a lot of competition, if he wants to date you.”  He braced himself for that competition; he had to have her. 

“It’s like a battle to the death.”  She laughed, “Only the best and strongest shall win in the end.  And then I’ll consider whether I’m interested.” 

“Sounds perfectly reasonable!”  Macca grinned.  “So how does one win this battle to the death?”

“Oh I don’t fucking know Macca.”  She shrugged, “I don’t date, I fuck.” 

“Right.”  Macca said thoughtfully.  “Right.”  He repeated and looked back down at his books silently.  Bethany looked up at him for a moment before starting to read her book.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Ricochet’ by Faith No More _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-erM1kccjE>

 

Friday morning came and Phil still wasn’t at school.  Rae was less worried because he was calling her every night just like he’d promised.  He seemed to be on the mend, and he admitted that it probably had a lot to do with the fact that he was eating again.  But mostly he knew that seeing her again had been a health tonic to him.  A painful health tonic.  This was his third week away from school; he hadn’t been there since the beginning of the drama camp and Rae had been reminding him about his marks.  But Phil told her he’d been getting some of his other mates to bring him the work.  He sounded better on the phone to her and she wondered if her visit had been the reason he was improving.  Phil knew it was; her coming to see him had buoyed his mood in a way he knew he had to get under control; they were just friends now. 

Finn knew Phil was calling Rae and that he was improving, but he still wondered why he wasn’t back at school yet and worried it was because of him.  So he decided to ditch PE and head to Phil’s house, intending to be back in time to catch lunch with Rae and the rest of the school gang. 

Phil was looking in the fridge, hoping that some real food would be in there rather than the salad his mother had made him, wearing only a pair of tracksuit pants for comfort, when the doorbell chimed.  He was in the house alone again, as he was most of the time.  He padded out to the door, expecting salesmen but hoping for Rae. 

When he opened the door and saw Finn he cocked his head to the side with confusion.

“You’ve lost some weight.”  Finn eyed him; he was used to sizing up people, under Rhys’s tutelage he was developing an eye for it.  It was useful for fighting, and also for being a trainer. 

“I’m so glad you noticed dear.  D’you think my wedding gown’ll fit now?”  Phil snarked and Finn grinned.

“Let me in wanker.” 

“Wow, what an eloquent request.  I feel so inclined to agree.”

“C’mon Phil.  I rode all the way out to your fancy-pants fucking house, let me in.”  Phil looked out at the motorbike parked on the grass and rolled his eyes; Finn had torn up some of the lawn with the tyres. 

“Please Lucy, won’t you come in.”  Phil opened the door wider and Finn stepped in with an almost cocky strut. 

“Lucy…?” Finn asked and searched his mind for where the insult came from, “the australopithecine remains found in ’74?”  Finn recalled his science classes and Phil gave an impressed grunt.

“Well scientists around the world will be astounded.  Australopithecine is more intelligent than first thought.” 

“Aye,” Finn grinned smugly, “I am smarter than you first thought.”  Finn looked around, “Fucking slick place.”  He grimaced and looked at the stairs, “Your room up there?”  Phillip glared at him and shook his head in resignation as Finn headed for the stairs and disappeared up them. 

“Fucking hell.”  Phil moaned and went after him.  He had started coughing part way up the stairs, and by the time he got to his room Finn was looking around nosily. 

“Fucking swish Philly.”  Finn said with an impressed face, “I wish you’d fallen in love with me… I wouldn’t mind being rich, you know.”  Phillip cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Even if I were in love with you, I’d still be the rich one, not you.”  Phil answered with a confused expression, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You’d give me all your money.”  Finn shrugged and Phil rolled his eyes, unable to believe this conversation, “Why aren’t you at school?”

“I’ve got influenza you fucking knob.”  Phil answered like he was a moron. 

“Aye I know, but you’ve got a work ethic like Elsa, nothing keeps you away… except love.”  Finn let his head drop to the side, his tongue on his back teeth, an astute knowledge in his eyes.

“Why do you even care?”  Phil looked down at his own bare feet.

“Rae mentioned you were thinking of moving to London.”

“Yeah.”  He stood opposite Finn and folded his arms, still trying to figure out exactly what was going on. 

“It won’t help.”  Finn said grimly.  “Nothing will.”  There was a deep silence as they stared at each other.

“I know.”  Phil said finally, “I keep thinking it’ll easier to not see her, then I remember that I’ve been there, done that, and it’s not.” 

“It’s so hard to see her everyday… but it’s fucking excruciating not seeing her at all.”  Finn nodded his head knowingly; he’d probably tell Phil all about how much it had hurt him some other day.  Today was about Phil.

“It surprises me how much this is killing me.”  Phil confessed, “cos I’ve kinda known for a while that it wasn’t me… but the confirmation of that…” He looked away and Finn saw the pain in his eyes as his self-control slipped slightly before he took a deep breath and managed to contain himself again.  “How did you do it?”  He turned his eyes back to Finn and Finn saw the tears in his eyes. 

“When she broke up with me… I felt like there were a fucking hole in me chest.”  Phil nodded his head and one of the tears dropped.  Finn sat down on the bed and motioned for Phil to sit with him.  “I don’t even know how I kept breathing.”  Phil sat down and stared at his bookshelf despondently.  “It were, by far, the most depressing time of me whole life.”  Finn sighed, “I kept looking for signs that she might…” Finn shook his head.  “In the end I had to leave to try and get some perspective, you know?”  Phillip looked at him and nodded, “Didn’t help.  Not really.  All I could think about were her.  She were right under me skin; in me soul.”

“Yeah.”  Phil swallowed and cleared his throat, “I get that.  And I never really had a relationship with her.”  He lowered his eyes and Finn furrowed his brows.

“Except you do and you kinda always have.”  Finn answered and Phil shook his head cynically.  “You know how much she loves you.”  Phil looked up at Finn.

“You do know how much she loves you Finn?”  Phillip asked with a worried expression.  He worried that Rae would fall apart if her and Finn broke up.  And he also found himself worrying that Finn was alright. 

“Aye.”  Finn nodded but it didn’t allay Phil’s concerns. 

“Does it hurt you that she loves me too?”  Finn took in the look of worry on Phil’s face and found himself smiling fondly, he lowered his face and took a deep breath.

“You know it used too.  So much.”  Finn answered honestly.  “But it don’t anymore.”  Finn told him, “I’ve change a lot in that time and… I just don’t see it the same way anymore.  It’s not a betrayal that she has feelings for someone else.  It’s just one o’ those things that happens.  It’s natural.”  He shrugged.

“So you don’t you wish you were the one?”

“Ah yes.”  Finn answered with a grim smile, “The magical one.”  He chuckled and shook his head.  “I didn’t think you believed in idealised shit like that.”

“I don’t.”  Phil answered honestly, “And you?”

“I suppose at first that is what I wanted.”  Finn admitted and looked down at his hands.  “But in reality no one is ever the one person. We always need more than one person in our lives.” 

“Yes but you’re talking about having friends Finn,” Phillip answered, “Rae and I… we’re… not really friends.”

“No.”  Finn nodded his head slowly, thinking about that for a moment, “No, you’re really not.”  He looked up at Phil, “And I know you never will be.  Not really.  There’ll always be something more… you’ll always be close.”  Finn looked at Phil closely, “and only time will be able to tell me how close you’ll really be… And I understand that.”  Finn’s eyes were piercing, but Phil couldn’t look away, “Regardless of this whole friendship thing you two are trying to do.  We all know…”  Phil looked away awkwardly, not sure how to respond. 

“We’re just mates now.”

“Aye and I’m fucking Mary Poppins.”  Finn retorted and Phil turned his eyes back to him and nodded slightly, acknowledging what Finn was saying.  “You know, I would say that the vast majority of people do wanna be the one romantic love for their partner.”  Finn said, “And that’s fine.  But in reality, most people love more than one person in their lifetime.”  Finn raised his eyebrows in acceptance of this, “Rae’s just been unlucky enough for it to happen simultaneously.  Which really sucks, cos most people get to go out with and explore loads o’ different people before they find a person to spend their lives with.”  Finn paused and held Phil’s eyes, “And you know, some folk choose people, rather than a singular person to spend their lives with.”  Finn left the idea hanging in the air and Phil’s brows furrowed as he wondered exactly what he was hearing.  “I think it’s really important for a person to get the chance to explore different people if they wanna.  If they need to.”

“Some people don’t wanna do that, you know.”  Phil said softly, knowing that Rae wasn’t ready for something like this, and might never be.  Finn nodded.

“I know.  And that’s totally fine.  The point I’m making is people should do what they need to do in that regard, so they can learn about love and how relationships work, and how to handle differences, and how people are, and mostly about themselves.”  Finn looked at Phil.  “As you know, I got the chance to explore a lot.  It’s kinda nice to have memories of past partners… even the ones you cringe to think about!”  He grinned and shook his head, “But Rae’ll never really have that.  You’ll never get to explore your love for each other.  Not properly.”  Finn looked out across Phil’s room when he saw the pain these words cause Phil.  It would kill him if the situation was reversed.  “Even if she were to take you on the side… I’d still always be her number one.  And I’m sorry for you that you’re number two… and I’m sorry for both of you that’ll you’ll never do what people normally do when they love each other.”  Phil nodded slowly and Finn smiled grimly, “But you know Phil, I really do prefer you as the number two than fucking Liam, who basically got there by default.”  Finn pulled a face that looked like he had tasted the actual faecal matter of a diseased mongoose. 

“Yeah I saw them hanging around together.”  Phil pulled a slight face, “He’s a very… singular person.”

“Aye!”  Finn laughed, “That’s a nice way o’ putting it.”  Finn’s smile soured very quickly, “I fucking hate that guy.  No matter what he’s gone through since.” 

“What did he do to her?”  Phil instantly knew that Liam’s transgressions had to be against Rae; Finn wasn’t the sort of man to hate someone for anything less.  Finn looked at Phil closely and decided to tell him a little bit.

“So much.”  Finn said, “But I think my personal favourite reason to think about his fucking face in boxing practice is when he told her to leave her clothes on when he fucked her, cos she weren’t no oil painting.”  Phil’s jaw dropped in horror.

“Oh my god.”  He shook his head and leaned his face in his hands for a moment.  “What a… I don’t even have words for that guy.”  Phil muttered.  “Who says something like that to another human being, let alone someone you’re about to have sex with?” 

“A real dickhead that’s who.” 

“I um…”  Phil paused, unable to properly process the feeling inside of him, “I feel like I need to kill him.”

“It’s very nice to have someone else in that club with me.”  He patted Phil on the back, “Cos now that the fucker almost killed himself by accident and is all fucked up, everyone expects me to like him.”  Phil looked at him, he hadn’t known this about Liam, “And it’s never gonna happen.  Sure I have sympathy, sure I won’t kick the shit outta him anymore… but I’m not gonna like him.”  Phil lowered his eyes in thought.

“Yeah, I’m gonna stay in that club with you.”  Phil said, “The damage that would have done to her… I can’t forgive that.”  He shook his head.  Phil narrowed his eyes in thought and then sighed, “And I think I have to show you something.”  He said and went over to the canvases on the table.

“Aye, Rae told me you painted her.  Said Janice pushed you into the room when you tried to leave.”  Finn said slowly as Phil nodded in reply.  “She didn’t tell me much about them, other than they was quite good.”  Finn was deeply curious as to how Phil had taken Rae’s likeness.  He watched Phil lovingly unwrap the first canvas and almost gasped when he held it up.

“Fuck me.”  Finn whispered, “Wow.”  He took the painting in slowly.

“I showed Rae these.”  Phil told him, “She seemed particularly moved that they were in oil paints.”  He unwrapped the next one, “Thank you for letting me know why.”  Phil treasured the fact that he had given her the gift of seeing herself as an oil painting after what Liam had done to her.  Finn went over and picked up the painting of Rae standing; she looked magnificent, like a goddess. 

“These are amazing.”  Finn was truly impressed.  “I’d ask you for one of them but I know you won’t give ‘em up.”  Finn said softly, his eyes taking in all the small details; he’d even got the number of stretch marks on her stomach right. 

“Not a chance.”  Phil shook his head almost apologetically. 

“I wanted to do oil paintings of her, but Janice hasn’t gotten around to teaching me yet.”  Finn lamented, his eyes unable to tear away from the paintings. 

“I can teach you.”  Phil said without even thinking.  He waited for the feeling of regret to come, but it didn’t; he genuinely wanted to teach Finn how to paint Rae like this.  It would give her so much joy.

“Serious?”  Finn looked up at him and Phil nodded.

“I won’t even charge you for my time.”  He grinned.  “Just promise me you’ll do paintings even better than these; keep that smile on her face.”

“Done deal.”  Finn said instantly.  Phil looked closely at his face to see if he was joking, but he clearly wasn’t.

“Alright, when have you got free periods?”

“Wednesday morning?”  Finn asked and Phil shook his head.  It only took a few suggestions before they decided on Thursday mornings for an hour and Finn would drive Phil to school after.  But they’d have to start in two weeks; Phil had some catching up to do.

Finn’s eyes returned to the paintings.

“I underestimated how much you love her.”  Finn said feeling sad for Phil.  “She kept telling me it was as much as I do… but I couldn’t quite believe you could love her as much as I do.  Cos I love her so much.”  His eyes never left the painting in his hands. 

“I always thought you couldn’t love her as much as I did.”  He said sadly, “I thought there’s no way you’d notice her small details like I do…  Like the green and gold in her eyes.” 

“More green in the left eye…”  Finn said. 

“More gold in the right.”  Phil finished the sentence. 

“Fucking beautiful eyes.”  Finn sighed.

“Very expressive.”  Phil agreed, “You can almost see her brain ticking over through them.”  He grinned and Finn chuckled. 

“It’s particularly good when she’s panicking about something she did and her mother’s caught her.”  Phil laughed, imaging what that would look like. 

“I bet she’s a fire brand with her mother?”  Phil guessed.

“Oh aye!”  Finn chuckled, “never get in between ‘em when they’re going at each other.”  Phil nodded slowly.

“God I envy you.”  He breathed sadly and went back to his bed, plonking on the edge of it despondently. 

“You know Phil, I’ve spent the longest time, thinking you was a better person, a better man than me.”  Finn lined the three paintings of Rae up and sat back down on the bed beside Phil.  He ignored Phil’s incredulous face and continued, “You gave her books and read the same things she did.  You’re so fucking smart and calm… you never used your fists, and you weren’t jealous like me.”

“Oh I was jealous Finn.  I’m still so jealous.  It chokes me sometimes.”  Phil conceded and Finn nodded gratefully.  That was good to hear.  “I just got it under control better than you had in the beginning.”

“I was jealous for so many reasons Phil…. You just seemed so well fitted to her.  Of course, that’s cos you are.”  Finn said, “But so am I.”  He added softly. 

“It’s so funny you say that you thought I was a better person.”  Phil shook his head.  “You told me that I helped to make you a better man.”  Phil recalled, “But all this time, I’ve been trying to be as good as you.  I knew that if I were to compete with the great and practically legendary Finn Nelson, I would have to be the best at every single thing I even thought of doing, to be considered even a third as good.”  He shook his head.  “So you know… you made me a better man too.”  They both looked at the floor silently for a while.

“This comes as a bit of a surprise given all the shit you put on me about being so fucking dumb.”  Finn chuckled.

“I spent so much time trying to convince myself you were nothing while simultaneously nearly killing myself to be as good as you.”  Finn smiled grimly, sympathetically, in reply.  “Sure did talk the talk though, didn’t I?”  Phil shook his head.

“Aye and you walked that walk too.”  Finn told him.  “We both thought the other was better, when really neither of us is.”  Finn shrugged, “We’re just kinda different.  But kinda the same.  And that’s ok.”  He sighed and looked thoughtfully at his hands.  This had been so therapeutic for him, and he could tell it had been helpful for Phil too. 

“But we both know her.”  Phil said softly and Finn nodded. 

“That is something we most definitely have in common.”  Finn agreed.

“I love the way she always changes what her favourite sandwich is.”  Phillip grinned.

“Oh aye!”  Finn laughed, “It’s hard to keep up with her food preferences sometimes!”

“I remember when she were first coming over for scriptwriting I didn’t know which food she’d be into that week so I got a whole fucking platter of everything I knew she really liked!”  Phillip reminisced and Finn laughed, “Oh fuck I looked like such a try-hard knob.” 

“She got a complex relationship with food.”  Finn said more seriously. 

“Oh yeah.”  Phil nodded knowingly.  “Me too.”  Phil told him and looked down.  Finn appraised Phillip again, his brows furrowing in thought.

“You eat enough?”  He asked suspiciously and looked at the plate of half-finished salad beside the bed.

“Most of the time I make myself eat enough.”  Phil shrugged, “my parents are very strict about what I can and can’t eat, and I guess I’d rather eat differently than the way they make me eat.”  He considered this for a moment, “but I guess I should thank them, because I definitely look like a famous actor now don’t I?”  He asked with a slight bitter smile. 

“Aye that you do.”  Finn eyed him.  “Look at that fucking six pack!”  He nodded at Phil’s midriff and Phil looked down, “Way too defined, put some fucking fat over your muscles!”  Finn shook his head, “you know it’s normal and healthy to have a layer of fat.”

“So I hear.”  Phil smiled grimly, “But my mother begs to differ, so here I am.  All muscle and skin, very low fat.”  He looked down at his stomach, “But to be fair, I am thinner than usual at the moment.”  He added, “I’ve been sick.”

“Aye.”  Finn said astutely, “Sick.”  He looked Phil up and down again and then grinned suddenly, “Wanna learn how to box?” 

“You what?”

“I finished learning how to be a trainer, I need to start taking on clients soon.”  He shrugged.  “I think I’m supposed to have paying clients, but I’m sure I can figure something out with Rhys.”

“I’ll pay.”  Phil said.

“But the painting…”

“That’s different.”  Phil said with a shrug.

“How, cos you’re rich and I’m not?”

“No it’s different cos I don’t have to rent a space to teach you, we’ll just be in my room.”  Phil said, “But you’ll have to rent your space at the gm.”  Finn nodded, “I know how it works, I’ve got a personal trainer.” 

“O’ course you do with a physique like that.”  Finn conceded and Phil allowed himself to have a satisfied grin; he’d worked hard for the body he had.

“Plus you’re qualified to train me.  I don’t have any qualifications so…” He shrugged.

“I think your paintings are qualification enough!”  Finn answered, “And you’ll be me first client.”  Finn took a deep breath, “That’s kinda exciting.”

“Wanna alternate Thurasday mornings then?”  Phil asked and Finn shook his head.

“You’re fit enough to be in that place more than three times a week.”  Finn said with a tone of authority, “We can do 5am, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays to start.”  Finn said and Phil opened his mouth to argue but saw the look on Finn’s face and snapped it shut.  “Good.”  Finn said when he saw Phil nod slowly.

“Alright.”  He agreed, “I’ll have to move some stuff.”  Finn shrugged.

“Do it.  Boxing’s worth it.”  He scooted back on Phil’s bed, reclining with his back against the pillows.  “Fuck this is a nice bed.”  Finn got himself comfortable and Phil narrowed his eyes and Finn’s shoes on his bed. 

“Shoes dickhead.”  Phil said and Finn kicked them off in answer. 

“Next bit o’ business.”  Finn said and picked up a bit of celery from Phil’s plate. “Amy told everyone that you and Rae fucked.” 

“Oh fuck.”  Phil lowered his eyes, “Where did she get that from?”

“Sam.”  Finn answered and Phil looked at him as he rolled his eyes.  “I know.”  Finn replied to Phil’s angry face, “he tried to tell me all about what you and Rae got up to.”  Finn grimaced. 

“He wouldn’t fucking know!”  Phil said slightly angry.  “So are you telling me this because you want me to tell you what happened?”  Phil asked aghast

“No.”  Finn answered.  “I’m sticking to the promise I made you both.”

“Good.”  Phil said firmly, “I have no intention of ever telling you what happened.”  He continued staunchly.  “It’s private.  And, I’m sorry but it’s none of your business.”  Phil kept his eyes on Finn, waiting to see what Finn would say.  But Finn just nodded his head.

“I agree.”  He answered, “Because that is what we all agreed to before any of this happened.”  Finn said in a suggestive voice.  “We had a prior agreement.”  He pushed his point and Phil nodded understanding, “So you know… communication is very important, and we need to maintain it.  And make prior agreements.”  Finn said and Phil caught the slight suggestion, “And don’t worry; I’ll never break my word to you.”  He added, “I think a good measure of a man is how well he keeps his word.”  Finn said, “You have my word that I will never ask either of you to tell me what happened.”  Phil nodded and looked away.

“Thank you.”  He said softly.  Finn understood Phil’s reluctance to share what happened; it was all he had with Rae.  He wanted to keep those memories to himself. 

“So everyone thinks one or both of us are heartbroken and that I’ve beaten the crap outta you or that you’re ashamed of fucking Rae and that’s why you’re not in school.”  Phil tutted exasperated.  “They mostly believe I’ve kicked your arse.”

“I fucking hate rumours.”

“Aye.”  Finn agreed, “So I figured that the best way to counter the rumours is for us to openly be buddies and not say a word about whether they’re true or not.” 

“That’s also a good way to start a whole bunch of new rumours.”  Phil sat back against the pillows next to Finn, feeling tired after this huge discussion. 

“There’s that too.”  Finn acknowledged, “But the point is we’re ok.  A lot of the hate Rae’s getting is cos everyone thinks our hearts are broken.  And we’re the two fittest lads in school… So all the girls are being quite particular about it.”

“I bet.”  Phil sighed, “So you want us to swan into school like we’re mates pretending we’re real happy with the situation with Rae?”

“Aye”

“That’ll be much easier for you than me.”  Phil noted but Finn shook his head.

“Nah, you’re a good actor; you can make it believable.”  Finn said with a cheeky grin.

“So we’re gonna pretend to be friends.”  Phil asked incredulously, “Really?  This is your answer.  What makes you think I’ll do it?”

“I’m gonna use the fact that you’d do anything for Rae far more than she ever will.”  Finn grinned like the cat who’d gotten the cream.

“Right.”  Phil said with a clearly unimpressed tone, but he knew Finn had him beaten.

“And we won’t be pretending.  We are mates.”  Finn said and took a cherry tomato from the plate.  “Who hate each other a little.”  Finn lit up a cigarette.

“I’ve got fucking influenza!”  Phillip exclaimed in disbelief.  Finn reached over his head and opened the window, grinning cheekily at Phil before he took a carrot from his plate.  He picked up the remote and turned on Phil’s tv, flicking the channels. 

“You got a lot of channels.”  Finn exclaimed.

“Yes.”  Phil answered dryly, “And there always manages to be nothing on.”  Finn channel surfed for a while, smoking, ashing in Phil’s glass and eating Phil’s food.  Phil found he didn’t mind too much.  Eventually Finn stopped on some wrestling and chuckled at it.

“How fake d’you reckon wrestling is?”

“You’re asking me this when you can clearly see that they don’t hit each other in some shots?”  Phil rolled his eyes.

“Aye, but I mean, they do get injuries sometimes.”

“Like any stuntman I suppose.”

“Do you prefer Jackie Chan or Jet Li?”  Finn’s tongue went to his back teeth as he waited for the reply. 

“Um… probably Jet Li, but you can’t discount Jackie’s impressive list of movies.”  Finn made an impressed noise in the back of the throat and kept watching the wrestling.

“Oasis or blur?”

“I dunno…”  Phil shrugged, he liked music, but he knew he was out of his depth with Finn on this topic, “Both?”  Finn made a less than impressed noise this time and Phil pulled an unimpressed face in response.

“Right but if you had to choose…”  Finn persisted, “like they were both gonna be catapulted into the sun and you could only save one.”  Phil scrunched up his face at Finn in disbelief, “Who would you save?”

“I’d probably try and take out the people who decided to catapult human beings into the sun…”  Phil answered as if this was an extremely obvious answer and he couldn’t understand why Finn didn’t get it.

“So rather than make a decision, you’d put yourself in danger to save everyone?”  Finn mused and Phil scoffed.

“Yeah I suppose.”  He shrugged and Finn considered this.

“Alright.”  He declared, “I can live with that.” 

“Why do I feel like this is a fucking job interview?”  Phil shook his head.

“If it were, it’d be with a real interesting job with no stiff necked ties and suits and shit.”  Finn answered and smoked happily.  Phil shook his head and got up to get himself another glass of water; he had a second glass in the ensuite and he filled it and sat down next to Finn again, both of them sitting in his bed, leaning on the pillows and watching the tv.  They were silent for a long time, both of them mulling everything over and getting used to just being around each other without sniping too much. 

“I wish I could hate you.”  Phil said almost silently and Finn nodded.

“It’d be easier wouldn’t it?”  Finn agreed, “For us I mean.  Not for her.”

“She’d hate it.”  Phil agreed.

“She’s been hating it this whole time.  The way we’ve been hating each other.”  Finn added.  “You know, I offered her an open relationship… or polyamory so she could… be with you as well.”  Phil looked at the side of Finn’s face, but Finn kept his eyes on the tv.

“Why did you do that?”

“Cos I want her to have what she needs.”  Finn answered with a shrug.  “And you know… as much as I’d love to hate you Phil, I can’t.”  Finn sighed, “As much as I’d love to have her all to myself.  It’s not fair to do that if she really needs you.”  Finn continued, “And also, cos I really feel for you.”  Finn said, “If I were in your position…” He shook his head, “Fuck man, how are you even breathing?” 

“Sometimes it feels like I’m not.”

“Yeah.”  Finn sympathised.  “So I told her that if and when she wanted to… it weren’t a deal breaker.”  Phil had already heard this from Rae and he didn’t know whether to bless or curse these two for telling him this.  On the one hand it was a tantalising piece of hope, on the other hand it was a cruel taunt; a promise of a possibility that might never happen.

“She wouldn’t take that.”  Phil said knowingly

“Not yet.”  Finn added and Phil looked at him in real surprise.  “Don’t get me wrong Phil, I’m not gonna be trying to convince her; I like having her to myself.  But I’m not gonna be trying to dissuade her either, cos I’ll never deny her what she needs.  Even if it’s you.”  He added.  “So… who knows?”  He watched Phil look away with an impossible to read expression.  “She’s struggling with this whole thing, you know the idea of one true pure love stuff…”  Phil nodded in reply, “I’m not struggling with any kind of delusion like that.  I know what human beings are like for real.”  Finn stubbed his cigarette out on the inside of the glass and looked at Phil, “And I know what she’s like, and she’s a good person.”

“Yeah.”  Phil agreed.

“She doesn’t deserve to feel bad because her feelings did something unexpected.  So… I decided a little while ago to stop hating you.”  Finn told him and Phil turned to look at him, “It were actually quite easy cos you’re not as much of a knob as I imagined you were.  But… I kinda like our banter, you know?  I like giving you shit.”  He said honestly, “But you should know Phil, that I got your back.  We are mates.  And um… I wanna see you happy.”

“Thanks.”  Phil lowered his eyes, feeling unexpectedly emotional. 

“And above all else, we both make sure Rae gets what she needs, deal?” 

“Of course.”  Phil answered instantly.

“Great.”  Finn got off the bed and picked up his glass, “I’ll clean this up downstairs.”  He said, “And I better see you at the boxing joint at 5am on Monday wanker.” 

“Fuck off, you feeble-minded evolutionary dead-end.”  Phil shot back and Finn grinned.

“You should save your breath Phil, you’re gonna need it to blow up your date.”  Finn said with a smug grin.

“Oh that’s fucking cold Finn.”  Phil shook his head.

“Alright, I went out a bit hard, but I’ve missed you.  Got a lot of insults to catch up on.”  Phil had to blink back unexpected tears.

“I’ll be there Monday.”  He said softly.  And Finn nodded.

“Good.”  He started to turn to leave and saw the plate of half-finished food on the side, “I know it’s fucking rabbit food and we’d all prefer a pork and gravy sandwich… but you should finish this food Phil.”  He looked back at the food, “And make sure you get plenty o’ protein, I won’t be easy on you.”

“Alright.”

“Alright.”  Finn left and Phil watched him leave.  He turned and looked at his food.  Sighing he picked up his fork and stabbed at a piece of lettuce. 

It was time to try and get on with life as best he could. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Taut’ by PJ Harvey _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z89Cy_5JaDk>

 

Chloe shoved her homework in her backpack.  She was spending the weekend at Rhys’s again, although her parents thought it was Rae’s house this time.  She wandered down the driveway ruffling through her bag to make sure she had everything.  She put the key into the lock on her car, still half searching in her bag, and swore; she’d forgotten the red underwear she wanted to show Rhys.  She looked up in exasperation and sighed.  Chloe was about to turn back to the house when movement from the end of the driveway caught her eye. 

Ian and Ben were walking towards her.  She dropped her bag and tried to pull her keys from the car door, but in her fear and haste she fumbled and had to back up without them in her hand. 

Ian approached her slowly and Ben leaned on her car cockily, glaring at her. 

“Didn’t pick you for the kind of bitch to call the fuzz.”  Ian looked back at Ben and they shared a smug sneer; Ben's false alibi had gotten Ian out of any charges being laid against him.

“She probably did it so she could claim insurance on the car,” Ben mocked, “Cos you gotta know you ain’t worth shit, right?  Wouldn't bother the cops for you.” 

“That car was definitely worth a lot more than she is.”  Ian agreed, standing between Chloe and the end of the driveway.  Behind her the house was locked up tight; her parents at the markets.  Her mother had insisted her father go this time because there was all sorts of cultural things there that would broaden his horizons.  Chloe had rolled her eyes, but been glad to see her mother trying at least. 

She was alone again.

It was like he was always waiting for that perfect moment when she was alone.

“Did the dickhead stay with you after that?”  Ian asked, only semi interested.  “After you fucked up his nice car…?”  Chloe continued to say nothing, blocking out their words the best she could and focussing on fighting strategies.  She settled into a bent knee posture, her head slightly lowered, her hands coming up in front of her chest.  She took a deep breath and steadied herself. 

But her nerves were screaming through her body; she knew she didn’t have enough practice with multiple assailants yet.  Especially not with Ben who’d done a bit of boxing in London.  Chloe raised her fists, protecting her head better this time; she’s learned from last time.  Ben appraised her with an almost impressed look. 

“You’re right mate.  She has had some proper training.” 

“You two need to leave now.”  Chloe said as calmly as she could.  But Ben shifted, separated from Ian and they both started to approach her, Ian front on and Ben from the side.  They were penning her in, moving her towards the front door to her house.  Ian stopped and took the keys out of the car and held them up to Chloe with a grin.

“You got an empty girl?”  He asked and laughed.  “So which is the house key, slut?”  Chloe knew that she could keep backing up until her back hit the door or she could stop and fight now.  At least out here she had the hope that someone would see her.  She held her ground as they approached.  She saw Ben stop just in the corner of her eye.  She saw his knees bend, ready for Ian’s lead.  She swallowed, her eyes staying fixed on Ian, but her focus was on her periphery, noticing how tense Ben was.  Ian came closer, that cocky grin on his face.  

As she had predicted, it was Ben who struck out at her, his hand going for her hair.  But she blocked him, spinning to kick him in the face in the same movement.  He reeled back, but the problem was Ian was able to grab her from behind.  She had been expecting that and twisted to elbow him in the face.  Both men had backed off and eyed her more cautiously, both bleeding from the mouth. 

“Right.”  Ben said sourly, “Guess you’re not as much of pussy I thought.”  He shot this at Ian and Ian nodded.

“She got moves now.”

“Yeah.”  Ben said and brusquely walked up to her, “But I’m not gonna play with me food bitch.”  He jabbed at her face hard, as he would in any boxing match.  She ducked out of the way and uppercut his stomach.  But Ben was hard and muscled from all that boxing, and her punch did very little to him.  Ben grinned as they both came to the same realisation; her only defence against Ben was kicking him.  He pushed her hard and executed a series of hard punches and jabs, none of them hitting her, she ducked and weaved, stepping back each time as he advanced. 

The minute Chloe’s back hit the door she knew she was in trouble; she was out of room now and this neutralised her best weapon.  Ian advanced, stopping her from escaping.  She knew she had to get herself off this wall and kicked out at Ben, hitting his shins hard, but unless she got one on his face, she wasn’t going anywhere.  Between Petra working on her kicks, Gus training her to get out of tight situations, and Rhys working on her general fitness and fighting abilities, Chloe’s mind was prepared and she decided to try a handstand kick.  She had only succeeded doing it once in practice, but if she could pull it off and kick Ben in the face and somehow land it, she knew she could deal with Ian and then she might be able to run. 

Chloe sprang into action, appearing to fall to the side, she slammed one hand into the floor, her legs travelling sideways up into the air like she was doing a strange cartwheel.  She slammed her feet into Ben’s face and rejoiced when she saw him go sprawling on his arse.  Her feet slammed back to the pavement, her left ankle twisting painfully.  She was crouching for only a moment, when she noticed the shadows; Ian was punching down at her head.  With only a millisecond to spare Chloe moved her head to the right, Ian’s fist, holding her keys, scraped past her ear and temple, leaving a nasty gash.  Chloe used the momentum from her movement to roll completely away from Ian and jumped up immediately nearly collapsing from the pain in her ankle.  It had been a risky move to do an un-mastered kick, but she had had no choice.  It meant that running from them was not really an option.  She looked down the street for any sign of life on a sleepy Saturday morning.  She knew that her direct neighbours had gone to the markets with her parents.  Screaming might bring her help, but she doubted it, in these streets they’d just mutter about damn kids and close the curtains.  But one of them might call the police, and that would be better than nothing.  Ben was still flat out on the floor near the car; it looked like he was knocked out.  Ian was advancing on her, but she had her back to the street now.  She backed up, unable to hide her limp and a sadistic grin lit up Ian’s face.

“Oh you’re fucked now little girl.”  He relished her injury.  Chloe planted her feet painfully and raised her fists again, focussing intensely on Ian.  She would have to put him down and try to run as best she could; there were some family friends 8 houses down, she could call Rhys from there.  Ian stopped in front of her, just out of reach.

“D’you know Chlo, I always wanted to fuck you in your bedroom.  You always described it like some virginal, barbie princess palace.  Imagine fucking you like the whore you are in that room…”  He laughed.  “Think I might do that afore I take you home.”  He started to try to worm past her, to get himself between her and the road again.  Chloe turned to watch him, but didn’t give any ground, if he wanted to get past her, he’d have to get into striking range.  “My cousin’s a virgin Chlo, and before that fat cunt came and got you, I told him he could bust his nut in you… now you turned me into a liar.  How fucking selfish are you?”  Chloe narrowed her eyes, anger coursing through her veins, “I mean don’t you wanna be useful and worth something?”  He asked cockily, “The only worth you’ve got are your three holes, perfect set o’ tits, and a decent body… why would you wanna make yourself fucking worthless, like y’are now?”  He’d said things like this to her before, “You’re only worth something when there’s a dick in you and you know it.”  Chloe gritted her teeth and raised her fists again, but he just smiled at her, not moving any closer. 

And that was when Ben crash tackled her to the ground, thumping all the air out of her.  She’d become so focussed on Ian, she’d let herself lose sight of Ben.  She rolled onto her side painfully the minute his weight was off her, and started to try to scramble to her feet, but he kneed her in the gut hard.  She was badly winded, but she still tried to get herself moving.  But Ben’s hand was on her throat and he slammed her down into the ground.

“Now isn’t this better?”  His other hand found its way under her shirt, while she clawed at the hand around her throat; she couldn’t breathe.  “My man Ian want’s his girl to come home now.”  Ben said to her, his tone menacing, one hand squeezing her breast, the other choking her.  “We all want you to come home.” 

“Careful Ben, I don’t wanna fuck a corpse.”  Ian chuckled.  Ben jumped up and pulled Chloe up by the throat, her hands still on his hand, trying to free herself.  His other hand reefed at her hair and he shook her.

“You gonna play nice?  Or have I gotta fucking hurt you?”  He threw her onto the floor and Chloe slammed into the concrete gasping for air.  As she lay there panting, Ian and Ben quickly discussing how best to get her back to the car, Chloe’s eyes focussed on her car.  Her mind desperately tried to think of a way out as she laid there scanning her immediate environment, but not moving for fear of Ben starting in on her again.  And then her eyes focussed on the pile of plastic boxes her mother had moved out of the garage and left beside her car as a reminder that Chloe had to give her old childhood things to charity.  She had been meaning to do that sometime soon.  She knew there was a softball bat amongst those boxes.  She looked at the shadows, but the early morning tilt of the sun made it hard to gauge with complete accuracy where they were; it had been a lucky thing with Ian’s punch earlier. 

Chloe suddenly burst into action, crawling under the car before they had chance to realise she’d moved.  But they were both on their knees instantly; Chloe was infinitely grateful for that.  If one of them had thought to come around the car, they might have cut her off from her boxes.  Ian grasped her ankle and she easily kicked him off and was up and out the other side of the car in a flash, her stomach cramping in agony, but her determination driving her forcefully forward.  The bat was leaning against the garage door and she snatched it up, dove across the bonnet of the car and took a swing at Ian’s face as he was starting to get up.  He bought his arm up in time and the bat made a heavy thunking noise against his forearm causing him to scream out. 

“STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!”  She screamed at him and brought the bat down again, hitting her car as he ducked and then scooted away, dropping her keys as he went.  Ben was up on is feet, but backing away.  Ian managed to get up and backed away with Ian as Chloe hobbled towards them, softball bat in her hands, her eyes wild and filled with fury, her hair a matted tangled mess, blood pouring from the wound on her temple.  “I will fucking kill you if you ever touch me again.  I swear to fucking god, I will kill you both.” 

She took another step forward and they backed up again.

“What’s going on?”  They heard a man’s voice call from across the road.  Ian and Ben ran, and Chloe collapsed onto her knees with relief, tears stinging her eyes.  But she would not let one of them fall.  Not one. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’ by Crowded House _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9gKyRmic20>

 

The fact that Chloe had rung Rhys and not her parents, even though her father had just gotten a mobile phone, was not lost on Chloe.  She knew who she could trust. 

She had called him from her room.  Part of her wanted to collapse and cry.  Part of her wanted to sit and stoically stare at her bedroom wall so she could stop the threat of these tears. 

What she did instead was take her suitcase and start to pack. 

She hadn’t asked Rhys if she could move in.  But she knew he would not refuse her, even though it was his safe place to escape the world.  She had a moment of feeling bad for intruding upon his safe place, but her overriding, desperate need to not spend another day in this house was urging her forward. 

He knew where she lived, and unlike Saul, he wasn’t going to stop. 

Next time it’d be four guys, and they’d bring weapons. 

She knew it.

She wanted him dead.

But more than anything right now, she wanted out of this house. 

Rhys had a key for the house; Chloe had given it to him after Ian’s first attack.  He had tried to knock, but there was no answer.  She had called, calm simply saying he had to pick her up now.  He saw the dent in her car and knew something was wrong. 

He unlocked the door and called her name.  He had considered being quiet so he could have an advantage against any intruder.  But he knew that Chloe did not like to be snuck up on. 

He saw a splatter of blood on the floor and immediately ran up the stairs to her room.

Chloe heard someone on the stairs, she had been so engrossed in her packing she had not heard him call her name.  But the stairs creaking had set her heart racing.  She picked up the softball bat and turned to swing it at whoever came through her door. 

Rhys saw the bat flying at his shoulder.  It was probably meant to be aimed at his head, but his height made that difficult.  In the seconds he had before impact, Rhys realised that if he tried to duck it would hit his head, and the door frame made it impossible for him to fully dodge the blow.  He rotated so the bat would hit the fleshiest part of his upper arm and braced himself.

Chloe realised it was him too late and couldn’t completely pull up on the force.  The bat hit his arm with a solid whack.  Rhys grunted in pain.  Chloe had been dropping the bat as it struck him, in an effort to stop the blow, the momentum of her swing too great to stop it, so the force had not been enough to break his bone, and the bat flew off on a tangent but clattered harmlessly to the ground.

“Oh god!”  Chloe cried in horror, her voice raspy because of the damage done to her throat from the choking.  “I’m sorry!”  She rushed to put her hands over the place where Rhys had been hit, but he saw the blood all over her, the temple wound still oozing quite a bit.  Her body was covered with scrapes from her mad dash under the car and ugly purple bruises had come up on her throat.  Rhys took her face in his hands.

“Chloe.”  He whispered.  His calm voice, his kind eyes.  His mere presence.  The tears came and he immediately wrapped her in his arms. 

He knew what had happened.  He needed no explanation.  And when he saw the half full bag on her bed, he understood that too.  She was curling up and he easily picked her up into his arms and sat on her bed with her in his lap, curled up almost like a tiny child, crying.  He held her, stroking her hair silently, her bleeding temple pressed into his chest listening to his heartbeat. 

But her tears stopped abruptly and she shook her head.

“I have to get out of here.”  She told him and he nodded.

“Let’s get your stuff.”  He answered without hesitation, understanding that she needed to pack now; nothing else would help her right now.  She finished packing in just a few minutes.  But as soon as she was done, Rhys made her let him look at her wound.  He made a small noise and then took her head in his hands again, looking her deep in the eyes, he spoke in a calm, firm voice.  “These need stitches Chloe.”  She nodded slowly, “I’m going to take you to the hospital for stitches.  Then I ‘m going to take you home, ok?”  She hesitated, “You don’t have to say a word to the doctors, I’ll deal with it all, ok?”  She nodded and he took her protectively into his arms.  He didn’t like taking such a strong line with a grown woman who could make her own decisions, but she was very mentally shocked and exhausted right now, and she clearly wasn’t in the right emotional space for thinking. 

He led her down the stairs, stopping in the kitchen to leave a note for her parents asking them to call him, and to make a call to Sana, Zhu answered and told him she was at work.  Which is what he had wanted.  Another phone call, this time to the hospital, and then they were on their way.

When they arrived at the hospital, Sana was waiting for them in the ER, wearing scrubs and looking concerned.  She was an intern, and she calmly and proficiently dealt with Chloe’s wounds, without a single word, just as Rhys had asked on the phone.  Chloe had needed two stitches in the lobe of her ear, and two stitches on her face at the temple.  Sana wrote Chloe a script for some antibiotics and quietly spoke to Rhys about wound and bruising care.  After that Chloe had given her a grateful hug and left silently, Rhys squeezing Sana’s hand in thanks before he followed. 

 

 

When they arrived home there was two messages on his phone; and angry, belligerent one from Chloe’s father, and a slightly panicked, pleading one from her mother. 

Rhys had picked up the phone, but Chloe shook her head and took the phone. 

“Hi Mum.”  Rhys tried to not visibly wince at how raspy her voice was.  There was a long panicked monologue on the other side of the phone.  Chloe looked completely disinterested in her mother’s upset rant; she was just too exhausted.  “Ian and his friend Ben attacked me.”  There was another tirade of panic.  “Mum.”  Chloe said softly, “Mum.”  But her mother kept speaking.  Chloe sighed and just spoke over the top of her in a quiet, rasping monotone.  “I’m staying at Rhys’s until it’s safe to come home.”  There was a moment of stunned silence then another deluge of panicked speaking.  Chloe looked up at Rhys and he held onto her arm to steady her; she was starting to sway.  “No, I’m not moving in with him.  I’ll be in his spare room.”  Chloe told her mother, “Mum… Mum… Look I won’t move in with Rhys under these circumstances.  When I do that it’ll be because we love each other, not because I’m afraid to be at home.  I’ll be in his spare room mum.  It’s safe here.  Ok?”  Chloe looked up at Rhys with worried eyes as her mother spoke, “mum I can’t invite you into Rhys’s home, I’m a guest here too…. cos I told you I’m not moving in, it’s not permanent… it’s just till it’s safe to go home.”  Chloe saw that look of resignation on Rhys’s face as he wiped his face and grabbed the pen and paper he kept beside his phone, writing a message for her.

_Invite them over if you want_

Chloe shook her head resolutely.  This was his safe haven; she wouldn’t invite two racists into it.  Rhys just wanted to make things simpler and easier on her.  Mr Meow came in and wrapped himself around her legs, looking up at her longingly. 

“Mum, I’m hanging up now… because I have a head injury and I lost some blood so I need to rest… yes I’ve been to the hospital… I’m fine but I need to rest now.  I love you and dad and I’ll come over with Rhys soon.”  She hung up the phone while her mother was still speaking and then took the phone off the hook making them unreachable by phone, “To pick up more clothes.”  She finished the sentence. 

“I’ll put your bag in the spare room?”  Rhys said as Chloe headed to the lounge and collapsed.  Mr Meow jumped up onto her lap immediately, stretching out, he put his head under her chin and purred loudly.  Chloe smiled sadly at the cat and stroked behind his ears as Rhys picked up her bag and headed to the spare room.  Chloe leaned back on the lounge with Mr Meow, and seeing the blood on her shirt she carefully put Mr Meow on the seat beside her and took it off and flung it across the room.  That motion made her decide to fling all her clothes across the room.  She sat back down on the lounge and stared at the phone off the hook, Mr Meow instantly crawled back up onto her chest, his head under her chin; it was strangely comforting and she hugged him gratefully, stroking his fluffy ginger fur.  She closed her eyes and listened to Rhys making the spare bedroom habitable for her and smiled.  She loved that man so much.  She looked over at the phone and knew Rhys had to be contactable because of his business, but he had left it off the hook for her.  She got up, carrying Mr Meow with her and put it back on the hook as he walked back in.  He noticed the bruising on her stomach and breasts but said nothing; she didn’t even notice how much his eyes took all of her in. 

“I need more training.”  She said bitterly. 

“I think I need to have a talk to Ian.”  Rhys said softly.

“No.”  Chloe said firmly.  “He’ll have the fuzz on you so fast… you’ll be in jail before you’ve even left his house.”  She sat back down on the couch, Mr Meow again settling in with her, “I know how it works with black men and the prison system Rhys.”  Rhys didn’t argue; this was not the time for that. 

“What’s your comfort food missy?”  He asked soothingly.

“Pizza… garlic bread.” 

“Ordered in, or do you want me to make it for you?”

“Ordered in.  I want you right here beside me.” 

“Alright.”  He ordered the pizza and sat down beside her, still fully clothed. 

“How long?”

“An hour.”  Chloe nodded and put Mr Meow on the seat beside her.  He started to clean himself contently and she looked back at Rhys. 

“Can you help me shower?”  Chloe lowered her eyes, “I feel weak and shaky… but I need to get this off me.”

“Of course.”  He picked her up without a word and she let her head fall against his chest. 

“Every time we get a full weekend to ourselves that bastard shows up.”  Chloe lamented her voice wavering with emotion.

“You won’t have to worry about him here.”  Rhys answered her reassuringly. 

Rhys’s friends, especially Aiyana, often described him as like the Earth itself; solid, stable, slow moving in many regards, swift in others.  But there was a molten core to the earth, and it could show itself in many ways.  People like Elsa, Tom and Chloe had seen the molten core in a sexual way. 

But there was pressure building up in his core.  A volcano brewing.  He would respect her wishes to leave Ian alone.  That was the kind of man he was; he could never disrespect such a clear no.  But he could feel that raging fire in his belly.

He wished Tom was here to spar with.  They could beat the shit out of each other and he’d calm some of the fury in his core.  Finn was good, but he didn’t like pain like Tom did; he could get away with using his full force on Tom.  He took a deep breath; controlling this fire would be difficult, but he would do it for her.  Because she was right; if he went to Ian’s place right now, he’d be leaving in police custody.  And she needed him.  He’d be no use to her in jail.  That was more important.  That was what he kept in the front of his mind, while the fire quietly brewed in his core. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Aneurysm’ by Nirvana _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD0D7IuriWQ>

 

Rae collapsed onto Finn’s bed, the blanket bunched up under her lower stomach, but she didn’t care.  He was still in the shower, and her hair was still a bit damp; she’d done a bad job drying it.  She pulled out one of his music magazines and read it, enjoying the sun streaming in on her bare back, arse and thighs. 

Saturday mornings were the stuff joy was made of; well they were today.  Finn’s parents were off at the markets.  They had the place to themselves until lunch time and it was glorious.  The early morning sun was streaming through the windows; Rae was mostly caught up with her homework, Finn was in a particularly chipper mood, and they were alone for once.  Alone time was getting scarcer and scarcer, and every time they had it, they savoured it. 

Finn came out of the bathroom and sauntered into his room, naked and dripping water, towelling his hair dry.  The first thing he saw was Rae lying on his bed on her stomach, the sun making her skin glow.  He loved the way she glowed.  The next thing he noticed was that with all the blankets bunched under her lower stomach like that, her arse was raised up, and she looked like she was presenting herself to him. 

He stopped in the doorway and leaned on the frame and watched her silently as she read and slowly, absent-mindedly detangled her hair with her fingers. 

She was stunningly beautiful.  The way she moved so un-self-consciously now was breathtaking.  Her confidence had made the past few weeks of their sex life go into overdrive; she was initiating sex every time now and he was so turned on by this that he wanted her more than he ever had.  There was something so erotic about having your lover seduce you, command you, want you, demand your sex.  Finn understood why Rae had been so addicted to his dominance earlier on; he was loving her dominance now. 

But when she laid like that… it made him feel like being in control again.  These past few weeks had been her exploring his body, pushing him and his limits, and yes, he had experienced things he had not expected to experience, including several multiple orgasms.  And the finger had gone up his arse, and he’d quite liked it, just like Chop had said he would.  Confident Rae, dominant Rae was incredible.  But Finn felt like today might see the return of submissive Rae… just for the day.  He’d gladly be her dog again tomorrow, after all, he’d spent a lot of time being the more dominant sexual partner in the relationship, he was happy to have the balance evening out.  It was what he had always wanted for them.  He wanted them to have equal power like they were getting closer and closer to now.  And all the work they’d done with therapy, communication… honesty, it was all contributing.  Finn was surprised that honesty had been much harder to handle than communication.  He had never been a talker, but communication had been a doddle in comparison to honesty.  People most certainly did hide what was true and honest.  Kester had told Rae that, and had later told him that in therapy.  People do a lot to hide the truth.  Because the truth can be brutally painful.  And terrifying.  But they were past the worst of the honesty thing.  They understood each other intuitively, knew each other intimately, and supported each other completely.  This is the relationship people dreamed of having.  But they didn’t understand just how much work it took to get here.  He stilled his mind; he didn’t want heavy thoughts now, not when that arse was sticking up in the air like that.  He hadn’t had nearly enough time with that arse over the past few weeks; Rae in charge meant he spent a lot of time going down on her and being ridden.  Mixed in with some fantastic moments of pain and bondage that he had truly enjoyed; his masochistic urges were very real it turned out, but not as real as Tom’s they learned early on; they had found his pain limit with the first caning, he didn’t imagine he’d want it more painful than that.  But that had been incredible.  He had also spent a lot of the past few weeks tied up during sex.  He hadn’t had a blow job in a while though, not since she’d decided to try the finger thing, and it had been incredible, but that had been last week.  He had absolutely no complaints about any of this; he was thoroughly enjoying Rae discovering sex as the more dominant partner.  She was slowly but surely pushing herself into new territory and he loved every second of it.

But that arse… well it was glowing in the sun…

He dropped the towel and went over to her, straddling her legs.

“Urgh!  You’re all wet Finn!”  She laughed and hit his thighs.  But his hands went straight to her arse and pulled the cheeks apart roughly, showing her cunt and arsehole. Rae gasped.  It had been a while since Finn had shown just how lusty he could be like this.  His lust had been contained by bondage and gags lately, his urges brought down to begging for her.  She had enjoyed being dominant.  As he kneaded her arse, Rae became aware that they hadn’t even made love all that often since that first night after their reunion in Lincoln; she had been on that much of a power trip.  And Finn had gladly been a long for the ride.  She knew how much he was enjoying it by the multiple orgasm, the begging, the lusty looks across the library tables at school and by the fact that he would whisper how much he was loving this to her, during dinner with their parents every day.  He revelled in the way she had been enjoying his body these past few weeks.  But she could tell he wanted to enjoy her body today.  Rae considered whether to let him, or whether to assert her dominance as his fingers dug into her arse wonderfully.  She felt that old familiar singing in her cunt that she got whenever bruises were getting put on her arse.  His fingers were digging in painfully; it was exquisite.  She groaned slightly and let her head fall forward onto his magazine as she felt his breath on the back of her thighs.  She raised her arse higher and Finn chuckled triumphantly; she was gonna let him have her today.  He wouldn’t have minded a bit of a power struggle between them, but perhaps that would be another day.  Today she seemed to be rolling over like a kitten. 

He licked the back of her thighs with the flat of his tongue and she groaned, raising her arse even more as his tongue languorously travelled up her thigh, ending just before he got to her vagina.  She groaned and he continued to slowly lick the back of her thighs, slowly adding in kisses, and then bites, his hands staying on her arse, pulling the cheeks apart, exposing her cunt to him.  Rae settled her head in her arms and closed her eyes, groaning happily; he’d never licked the back of her thighs before and she was enjoying it immensely.  She wondered why she’d never thought of doing more things in this position, it was almost like getting a massage; she could close her eyes and relax and just enjoy it all. 

Finn moved his hands, bringing his thumbs closer to her perineum and pulled her cheeks apart again.  Rae felt herself stretching out and sighed happily as she felt his breath on the back of her thighs again.  This time he licked and bit harder, faster, moving ever closer to her pussy.  Rae felt tingles erupting up her spine and she let herself shiver delightedly as his tongue finally slicked over her clitoris.  She groaned contentedly and didn’t even care how awkward a position it was for oral sex.  The change in angle was remarkably good, and she had no doubt she’d be getting him to do this again.  She felt her hips starting to grind slightly, her cunt pulsing with pleasure as he lengthened his licks to take in her whole cunt. 

The moment she felt his tongue on her perineum she knew what was going to happen, and she simply groaned and grinned to herself.  This was so fucking dirty.  And she loved the whole idea of it now.  She almost laughed at herself and how much she had changed from a year ago.  Here she was face down arse up, grinding her cunt into her boyfriend’s face, knowing that he was edging towards rimming her for the first time, and she loved it.  She could have never predicted she’d end up here, but she was so glad she had. 

Finn opened his mouth wide as if to devour her entire cunt and licked her clit more ferociously making her squirm and groan.  He did this until her groans changed in pitch and he knew she was growing close to coming, and then he stopped and licked from her clitoris to her arsehole one long lick.  Rae groaned loudly, gasping and shuddering in relish.

“Is that good?”  His voice was husky with desire.  He had liked it, it was intimate, new, exciting.  And a little dirty.  He hoped she liked it, and it seemed like she did. 

“Aye.”  Her voice was high with impending orgasm.  He made a lusty noise in the back of his throat and dove in.  His tongue rimming her sent shivers through her pelvis to her cunt.  Her cunt contracted almost violently, almost as if it would orgasm, but it wasn’t, it was aching for cock.  Rae groaned louder; her desire intense.  She came to the realisation that the entirety of her arse was the perfect weapon for edging her.  Unlike the traditional method of masturbating and stopping, until you’re going mad with desire to cum, her arse didn’t seem to have the chance to make her cum… it just made her want cock in her vagina so bad that she felt like she was literally dying of thirst for it.  It made her desperate to cum, she felt like she could easily become one of those cock-crazed whores that guys seemed to talk about just from some good hard slap on her arse, but when he did this, or fingered her, the urge was far more intense.  She felt like she needed cock in her vagina so bad she would die without it.  Edging through masturbation was good… this was better.  She remembered the sex show and how amazing the orgasm had been when he’d finally let her cum.  He hadn’t really done that to her since then, and she wouldn’t mind experiencing him controlling her orgasms, edging her for hours or days even.  But not today.  But she couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to have anal sex; if it was anything like her other experiences in that area, it would edge her perfectly.  She imagined Finn getting his rocks off anally, and edging her for a few days until she was gasping and coming close to orgasm, practically dry humping his leg, from his fingers running down her spine.  She had edged him for days during redgate and that had been fun.  It hadn’t really edged her though; she never felt that horny during her period.  But she did always want him, even when she was cramping and cranky.  The last time either of them had been edged was the excruciating 2 weeks after the IUD had gone in.  She needed to play with edging a little more; the orgasms after it were truly spectacular.  

She groaned loudly as he slid his fingers into her cunt.

“So wet.”  He groaned happily.  The wetter she was, the happier he was.  She made up her mind to tell him about her fantasy; he’d make sure it happened in the future, when they’d gotten that far.  She was yet to experience anything other than a finger up there; she might hate it or be indifferent to it like Chloe was.  But if it made her feel like the rest of the anal play, it would be a welcome addition to their sex life. 

Finn felt her beautiful vagina pulsing around his fingers.  He knew she wasn’t coming, this was her body aching for his cock; he had felt it before when he’d finger her arse; he knew what effect it had on her.  He could hear her groaning louder, the urgency in her tone was not orgasm, it was a command for him to make her cum immediately.  And he felt like appeasing her urge.  He withdrew his finger from her cunt and let his tongue travel back down to her clit.  He lapped at it aggressively, making her gasp raggedly, her moans rising in pitch instantly.  Moments later her body was shaking with orgasm, her breaths coming out in loud high pitched groans. 

As soon as her body stopped shuddering he repositioned himself, straddling her upper thighs, his cock rubbing along her crack.  He watched her thrust backwards into him, wanting him inside of her.  But he kneaded her arse instead, Rae groaned.

“Fuck me.”  She demanded.

“All in good time girl.”  He told her and slid his fingers back into her cunt, slicking them with her juices.  He trailed them from her cunt up along her perineum to her arsehole and slowly slid a finger in.  She groaned.

“I need to you fuck me Finn.”  She said urgently.  But he chuckled.

“You want me to gag you?”  He threatened and she made a noise of frustration but didn’t reply.  She was silent for a moment, but she couldn’t stop herself from gasping with desire as he twisted his finger around gently, savouring the feel of her.  Carefully, he slid a second finger in, Rae was acutely aware of the second finger, and wondered how they’d ever fit his penis in there.  She groaned louder as he slid his fingers in and out, her cunt was aching and contracting in rhythm with his movements. 

“Finn!”  She pleaded.

“Not yet.”  He loved to tease her like this.  He withdrew his fingers and gently pressed the head of his cock against her arsehole.  She gasped and held her breath.  She knew it wasn’t about to happen; they had both agreed to use plenty of lubrication, but just feeling that pressure there made her whole body freeze in anticipation.  She got a small tingle of fear in the pit of her stomach; she loved a small amount of fear, it heightened every sensation a little.  She felt his cock slide down her crack and deliciously slide into her wet cunt.  Finn groaned appreciatively; the view was impressive, and straddling her thighs, keeping them pressed together while he slid into her cunt felt so very dirty somehow.

“Got a thrupenny milady?”  He asked her in a dirty tone.

“Couldn’t fit one between me thighs.”  Rae returned, gasping with pleasure.  Her thighs were squeezed together tightly, pressing against her clitoris perfectly.  The position in general was incredible, her vagina felt more sensitive, or like his cock had found some hidden area inside of her that had put her onto the journey towards orgasm almost immediately.  Finn was fucking her in a nice deep, slow rhythm, his fingers kneading her arse again.  It came as absolutely no surprise to her when he slipped his two fingers back into her arse.  She again felt her cunt throb for cock, even as he fucked her deeply.  This was one of Rae’s favourite sensations; it was so insatiable.  Her cunt ached and craved a good fucking; it didn’t matter that she was getting that fucking, her cunt wanted more when anal play was included, it made her cum in a long slow orgasm, that made her whole pelvis pulsate with pleasure. 

Rae couldn’t help but groan uncontrollably every time his pushed his cock into her as deep as it could go.  She reached beneath herself and squeezed her fingers in to rub her clitoris.  Finn noticed what she was doing and encouraged her with a load groan of appreciation.  They understood each other so well that she knew what he was groaning for and looked over her shoulder at him with a sinuous expression, her tongue seductively licking the corner of her open mouth.  She kept her face as towards him as she could manage as she felt her eyes roll back in her head, the pleasure was starting to drive everything from her mind as her orgasm started to build.  Finn’s eyes stayed on her face as her groans grew more guttural and drawn out.  He thrust in harder, faster and ground his cock into her each time before the slow withdraw.  He felt her cunt contract around his cock sharply, then her hips bucked, her arse pulsed around her fingers, there was a millisecond of still silence… and then she erupted loudly into orgasm, her body shuddering violently, Finn grinding his cock deep inside of her.  He had to force himself to focus so he didn’t cum just from the feel, sight and sound of her orgasm; it had been a powerful one. 

Rae’s body went limp for a moment as she gasped, exhausted from the orgasm; she was sure her stomach muscles would be feeling that for days; the pulsating contractions through her entire lower body had been so strong.  Finn continued to thrust slowly into her, watching his cock sliding In and out, glistening with her cum.  The minute she started to moan like she might cum again, he withdrew his cock from her cunt, and his fingers from her arse.  A deeply frustrated sound came from the back of her throat, but Finn ignored it and slid his cock up her crack to press it against her arsehole again, she groaned, a high note of desire in her voice.  He slid it back down her wet crack to her cunt, letting the head slide in slightly, before withdrawing, to slide his cock back up to her arsehole and press it there a little firmer. 

Rae could feel herself stretching ever so slightly, starting to yield to his gentle, firm, but still gentle, pressing.  She groaned and ground her hips slightly; finding herself wanting him to do it.  But he slid his cock back down to her cunt, slipping the head in again.  Rae kept her rhythmic hip grinding going as he continued to slide his cock up and down her crack, pausing at her arse each time to press, slipping into her cunt slightly each time.  It was driving her wild and her hips sped up as she grunted with frustration.

“Just fuck me!”  She commanded.

“Bit of a temper girl.”  Finn teased cockily, pressing the head of his dick against her arse again.

“Fuck you!”  She moaned angrily.   He chuckled but kept doing it, each time pressing slightly firmer against her arsehole.  “Fuck me in the arse Finn.”  She said suddenly and Finn paused, the head of his cock in her pussy.  He slid his cock back up to her arsehole and pressed it again.

“You wanna get fucked in the arse girl?”  He asked.

“Yes.”  Rae was enjoying the teasing; the way her cunt ached was incredible, she wanted to know if anal sex would make it ache even more.  He pressed a little harder and she whimpered as she felt herself starting to open slightly more for him. 

“But the lube is all the way over there.”  Finn pointed at her wardrobe momentarily, pressing his cock even harder against her arsehole.  Rae whimpered again, she could feel herself stretching more and she knew she was nowhere near penetration yet, “and your cunt’s right here.”  His voice was lusty as he guided his cock back down her crack and slammed his cock back into her cunt.  “I wanna cum right now.”  He said as he started to fuck her again.  Rae grabbed hold of the bed and threw her head back as he fucked her hard and fast.  She wanted him to grab her hair if he was gonna fuck her this hard, and after all that dirty, sexy control he’d been exerting.  He got the hint and grabbed a handful of hair, pulling her head back almost brutally.  She gasped happily and put her hands on the bedhead to help herself achieve the back arch he was giving her by the way he was pulling her hair back.  He smacked her arse hard with the other hand and she started to almost scream with ecstasy.  She had missed this rough fucking. 

Finn, feeling close, sped up, fucking her harder, making the bedhead slam against the wall.  He pulled her hair back further, Rae barely able to make a sound now, the strain on her body to hold this position was so intense.  Finn wrapped his other hand around her mouth, sliding two clean fingers into her mouth.  And she came, spectacularly, utterly silent, unable to make a sound. 

“I’m gonna fuck your arse like this one day Rae.”  He told her as she came, “This position… this is the one we’re gonna do it in.”  She wanted to scream yes at him but could barely make a sound.  He pushed her forward, his hand still in her hair, pulling it hard, the other hand still over her mouth, and let his weight fall onto her back.  She could make noises again and started to groan as a second orgasm rocked her. 

“I’m gonna fuck you hard, then I’m gonna slide my cock into your arse, and fuck you even harder.”  He whispered into her ear, taking his hand off her mouth.

“Please.”  She begged, wanting him to do it now.  “Do it.”  She pleaded.  “Do it!”  He covered her mouth again. 

“Not today girl.”  She swore angrily at him through his hand, before starting to plead for him to do it again, her words muffled completely.  He sped up again, fucking her as brutally hard as he could, and pulled her hair roughly, enjoying the control and the way her gasps and moans sounded with his hand over her mouth.  Finn felt and incredible wave of pleasure spreading from his groin.  He was getting close. 

And the door opened.

“Guess what I got you guys at the-” Kenzie stopped dead in her tracks, her jaw dropping in horror.

“GET OUT!”  Finn yelled at her.  Rae tried to get up and hide, but Finn’s weight on top of her made her struggle futile.  He was still inside her, still now, but his hand was still over her mouth, he was still pulling her hair.  Kenzie closed the door immediately and they heard her running down the stairs. 

The minute the door was closed Finn’s hips slowly started to move again.  He took his hand of Rae’s mouth.

“Oh my god Finn.”  She whispered.”

“Can I finish?”  He asked, not able to focus on anything else but how close he’d been.

“But your mum…” Rae fretted over what she must think.

“Rae I don’t really care about that right now.”  He muttered, “She’ll be just as shocked and angry in 15 minutes as she is now.”  He looked down at her, the hand in her hair loosening.  “If you wanna stop of course I will… but I’d really like to keep going.”

“I was close too.”  Rae admitted.  “I wanna finish.”  She said feeling slightly guilty; there was going to be a big problem with Finn’s mother now.

“Yeah?”  He made sure.

“Fuck me.”  Rae ordered in a firm voice and Finn groaned in response.  “Use me like a whore.” 

“I fucking love your dirty talk girl.”  He groaned again in response to her, his words carried and elongated by his lust for her.  He tilted his hips and ground himself deep into her, making her groan deeply.  They both enjoyed it when he was deep inside of her and then proceeded to fuck her by grinding himself in even deeper.  He slowly built up momentum, letting her have time to build up her orgasm again.  This was time he did not need.  He had been ready to blow his load after her first orgasm just over half an hour ago.  He honestly wasn’t sure how he’d managed to not cum yet; his focus was getting better.  He tensed up his stomach, making himself hold on for her.  His abdomen shuddered slightly from the effort, but he managed to hold on as he increased his speed, hearing her moaning, but trying to keep it quiet now. 

“Put your hand over me mouth.”  She ordered him; she wasn’t good at being quite when she came.  Finn happily complied, his hand tangling with her hair again, pulling it roughly.  She groaned, and his thrust came harder and faster until he was fucking her as hard as he had been before.  He made himself wait until he felt her coming beneath him.  He was groaning, almost unable to hold himself anymore when he finally felt that pulsating in her cunt he’d been waiting for, her moans, muffled by his hand, intense and high.  He let himself cum with a load groan, yelling out in pleasure.

“Fuck.”  He grunted as his whole lower body contracted and shuddered violently.  His orgasms had been stronger since her confidence had grown and this one was no different; it had nearly knocked him on his arse it had been so good.  He collapsed on top of her gasping for air, his hands instantly loosening from her mouth and hair.  She was also gasping happily.  Their bodies heaving together rhythmically.  Finn ran his hand down her body, her skin was soft, her curves incredible, the movement of their gasps for breath was sexual.  He thrust again slowly, brushing aside her hair he kissed the back of her neck, making her sigh contently.  He kissed her shoulders and back.  Her hand came up to rub his side and he took his weight off her so she could turn around and face him. 

The moment she did they started kissing deeply. Rae wrapping her legs around his waist and Finn thrusting back into her.  He didn’t care that there was already a huge sticky mess going on between her legs; he wanted to make love to her right now. 

The blankets were still under Rae, but instead of under her lower stomach, they were under her arse now, tilting her pelvis up.  The moment Finn entered her she groaned loudly.

“We gotta tilt me like this more often.”  She whimpered as he pushed his full length in.

“Aye?”  He asked, always keen to learn new ways to pleasure her. She nodded.

“It’s fucking incredible.”  She buried her face in his shoulder and groaned as he slowly slid out of her.  She threw her head back and gasped with pleasure, thrusting up to meet him as he thrust his hips down into her.  Her breathy gasps were muffled though, by his lips as they kissed, his hands stroking her hair and face, their bodies pressed together, her arms wrapped around his neck. 

 

 

***

 

 

Kenzie had been stunned when she had heard the rhythmic banging noise continue.  She had watched Gary putting on the kettle as if it were nothing.  They had heard Finn cry out and her eyes had grown wide; this was not something she wanted to hear. 

There was a silence that followed, so loud that Kenzie started to scratch at the skin on the back of her hand as she sat in the kitchen watching her husband calmly sipping the tea he’d made as their son fucked upstairs. 

“I don’t understand how you can be so calm… how you can just let him do that under your roof.”  She shook her head.

“We do it.”  Gary answered.

“But this is your house, Gary.  Your rules…”

“Those two will always find a way to have sex Kenzie.”  Gary said, “I’d much rather that they do it up there, safely in his room, than in the back seat of their car in a car park somewhere.  Anything can happen out there.  The best we could hope for is the police will send them home… possibly with a charge for public nudity or something even worse.”  Gary reasoned, “The worst case scenario is of course a crazed murderer seeing them and…” He shrugged with a small smile.  “It’s different Kenzie.  When he was ten, the right or wrong decisions for us to make for him were so much easier to determine.”  He sipped his tea, “Now he’s a young man, being a parent is… fucking impossible, frankly.”  Gary shook his head, “no matter what you want for him, he’s gonna do what he wants.”

“Gary, you’re wrong.”  She had never told him he was wrong.  “He needs guidance, and no one is giving it to him.”

“You can’t really expect him to not be having sex at his age?”  Gary narrowed his eyes in disbelief.

“That wasn’t sex.”  She almost whispered, “It was violent.” 

“Violent?”  Gary’s brows furrowed in concern, “violent how?” 

“He…” She paused, hesitating to share this information,, “He had his hand over her mouth, and he was pulling her hair…”  She lowered her eyes and Gary wiped his face with his hand and considered this.  He licked his lips and looked at Kenzie with a twinkle in his eyes, a slight smile playing on this lips.

“Remember when we were fifteen, and you asked me to fuck you harder… harder… faster?”  He asked, she looked up at him, her brows drawn together, confused as to what he was getting at.  “I nearly winded myself going harder and faster for you.  But it felt amazing, and then… when you were coming, you asked me to put my hands around your throat.”  A sudden moment of recognition hit Kenzie’s face.

“Oh god.”  She muttered, “I totally forgot that.”

“And I did it.”  Gary continued.  “And you said power was totally sexy.  Remember?”  She nodded her head.  “What d’you reckon our parents would have thought of that?”

“Oh Gary.”  Kenzie shook her head and looked away, “The amount of times I asked you to hold me down…”  She looked back at him, “My father would have killed you if he’d ever walked in on it.”  She suddenly laughed. And put her hands in her face.  “An English laying hands on his little girl.”  Gary laughed too.  “Oh no.”  She said, embarrassed.  “A dinnae ken why I get so wound up about Finn.”  She groaned and put her head on the table.  Gary reached across the table and took her hand.  “It’s like I can’t manage to find the middle ground with him.”  She lamented softly, “I don’t ken how to be in his life.”  She sat back up, “I worry constantly… I cannae even begin to know how to find something we have in common… and I keep forgetting how old he is… and I don’t know how or where to draw lines with him.  I’m completely lost when it comes to being his parent”

“I’ve got all those problems and I’ve been with him the whole time.”  He gave her a crooked grin.

“I hate myself for not coming back sooner Gary.”  She shook her head.  “Now I know that you were just waiting for me to come back, like I said I would in that fooking letter… all the years wasted.”  Tears sprung into her eyes, “A year, two years would have been so much easier to come back from than this.”

“I hate that I didn’t come after you sooner.  If I’d have known that’s all you were waiting for Kenzie…”  He sighed, “But it’s done now, and we’ve got to try and move forward.”  She squeezed his hand and they heard a low groan from upstairs.

“Oh god, I thought they were done.” 

“Nah, they’ve got a while to go yet.”  Gary said like a long suffering roommate.  They started to laugh.  “You still think power’s sexy girl?”

“Oh god you haven’t called me girl since… When I couldn’t go through with the abortion.”  She whispered, “You told me it’d be alright girl.”  She looked away.

“We’re never telling Finn that, right?”

“Not a chance Gary, come on!”  Kenzie shook her head, “I might have made some stupid decisions… but you don’t have to worry about that!”  They laughed, “You know I was never sorry.  From the moment I held him.  I never regretted not going through with it.”

“Me too.”  Gary nodded, reminiscing about holding Finn for the first time.  “Wasn’t sorry for a second.”  They sat in silence for a moment, another moan from upstairs reaching their ears. 

“Still find power sexy… girl?”  Gary asked again.  Kenzie grinned at him.

“Might do… not really sure what I find sexy anymore.”  She looked him up and down, “I mean except for the obvious.”  Gary nodded his head, pleased.  “Never got to hold you down.”  She teased and Gary chuckled.

“Well Kenz, you’re still a tiny woman… so I don’t see how you’re going to accomplish that.”  He teased back.

“Rope.”  She shrugged nonchalantly.  This confident, nonchalant shrug was something Finn had inherited from his mother.  Something Gary had not seen her do since before Grace had died. 

“I can take a leaf out of our son’s book and put some hooks up around the room…” he grinned, “He thinks I didn’t notice.”  Gary shook his head.

“I saw the one next to his bed.”  Kenzie said, “So that’s what it’s for?”

“That’s my guess.”  Gary replied, “I don’t know how many he’s got hidden around his room, I don’t go snooping in there, but I saw the one above his bed.  It’s quite ingenious, don’t you think?”

“I really don’t wanna think about anything sexual, in the same thought as Finn.”  Kenzie pulled a disgusted face.

“It’s quite disturbing when you realise your kids are having sex.”  Gary agreed. 

“Speaking of…”  Kenzie sighed, “I suppose I better apologise to him.” 

“I’ll go up and chat to him after they’ve showered.”  Gary said in a firm voice and Kenzie decided not to argue for once. 

 

 

***

 

 

Rae pulled the dress on, her hair still in a towel.  She knew they’d have to go downstairs; Finn was in the mood for having it out with his mother.  She had managed to calm him down enough to not be utterly explosive when he got downstairs; but the fact remained that Finn was sick of her opening his door without knocking.  Rae had reminded him that she had knocked a few times… But she had to admit that nine times out of ten, Kenzie just opened his door.  She had managed to put things into perspective a little by reminding him that only a few weeks ago her mum had screamed ‘get out’ at them in the exact same way.  Finn was sitting on his bed with his jeans on, sniffing at a shirt, sucking his teeth moodily. 

There was a knock on the door. 

“Finn?  Rae?  Can I come in?”  It was his father. 

“Alright.”  Rae answered when Finn simply glared at the door.  He opened the door and stood in the doorway, his eyes instantly resting on Finn.

“Getting set to take on your ma?”  He asked and Finn narrowed his eyes but didn’t say a word.

“I think Finn wants to politely ask her to knock first in future.”  Rae said gently and sat down next to Finn, putting a calming hand on his thigh.”

“You coming up here to try and stop me?”  Finn said calmly and Gary nodded. 

“I know how-”

“She has no respect for my privacy.”  Finn cut his father off.  “You want us to bond and be a proper family, you gotta let me tell her.”  Finn continued, “You gotta let us argue.  Like any other family does.” 

“Your mother and I have already talked about this.”  Gary answered firmly.

“That’s not good enough!”  Finn stood up, “I can speak for myself.”

“I know you can Finn.”  Gary answered wearily, “Trust me, I know you can.”  He leaned against the door frame.  “You have got to trust that I’ve got your back son.”  He said meaningfully.  “You’ve got to trust me.” 

“Da it’s not about that.”

“No.  It’s about your mother, and her anxiety, and how hard it’s been for her to come back here after everything.  It’s about how much she loves you, how much time she’s lost and how much she hates herself for that.  It’s about how lost she feels Finn, and how she can’t find the middle ground between being in motherly overdrive and not giving you enough motherly love.”  Finn sat back down on the bed with a thud, his eyes on the floor.  “You and me have grown very accustomed to having things a certain way, and I know she mixes things up a bit.”  Finn looked up at his dad, “But we’re both grown men.  So we’ve both got patience, and forgiveness, and understanding.” 

“She still sees me like I’m 8 da.”  Finn answered, his anger ebbing. 

“I think we’ve gotten her to seeing you as about 15 now.”  Gary said with a crooked grin, “if she saw you as 8, Rae would have been out on her arse and you would have been in therapy after what your mother saw.”  Rae felt herself blushing and she looked down at her hands. “Which,” Gary added, “Is none of our business.  You’re both old enough to do what you want.  But I do need to say to you Rae…” He waited till she looked up, “That a lot of girls feel like they have to do what their boyfriends want, in terms of sex, or else they’ll lose him.  Don’t ever do that.  If Finn is the kind of dickhead that ever makes you feel pressured to do anything… he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Dad.”  Finn was thoroughly unimpressed.

“With you two,” Gary continued without looking at Finn, “And knowing my son the way I do, I very much doubt you are being pressured.  But I’d be remiss if I didn’t say something.” 

“Thanks Gary.”  Rae said with an awkward smile, “I promise you I’m fine.”

“I’m sure you are.”  Gary turned his eyes back to Finn, “It’s coming together slowly Finn.  And in the meantime, how about we put a lock on your door?”  He asked, “We’ll get one that locks with a key so you can have a locked room even when you’re not here.”  Finn had obviously not expected that.

“Um.  Alright.”  He answered. 

“Alright, I’ll buy you the lock, you put it in the door?”

“Alright.”  Finn agreed.

“Alright.  Thanks Finn.  You’re being very patient with me and your mother.”  Gary gave him a grateful smile and left, closing the door behind.

“Remember when he claimed your porno mags were his.”  Rae said softly, “Making himself look like a twat in front of Janice?”  Finn nodded slowly. 

“Alright.”  Finn understood, “He really does have me back.”  He grumbled, less moody, “Unless he’s asking you if I’m a rapist.”  Rae grinned as Finn shook his head.

“Well you can’t deny the way that would o’ looked.”  She nudged him and he rolled his eyes.

“Aye alright.”  He furrowed his brows.  “You did like it right?”  He worried. 

“Don’t start that shit again Finlay.”  She tapped his face with her hand, “We’re so far past that now, it has to be fucking carbon dated.”  She got up and went back over to the drawers to fish out some tights.  Finn watched her go, his bad mood completely gone, his mind on her and how much he loved her.  “I will absolutely put you in your place if you try to start shit I’m not in to.”  Rae told him confidently and Finn felt a huge dopey grin plaster itself on his face; he just loved her confidence.  “So I expect to see you continuing to try all sorts of perverted things Mr Earl.”  Rae grinned, “In fact I demand it.”  She closed the drawer and turned to him, “You better not let me down.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Bad Reputation’ by Joan Jett _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RAQXg0IdfI>

 

Phillip walked towards the main building of the school, his backpack slung over one shoulder, his whole body feeling stiff from this morning’s work out with Finn.  He felt larger across the shoulders already, and even though he knew that to be impossible, he still felt himself squaring his shoulders more as he walked. 

He noticed the looks he got, from both girls and boys; saw the glances in his periphery and heard whispers as he passed.  He walked as if none of it existed.  He walked as if he was the king of the fucking world; in honesty he was channelling Finn, nowadays Finn walked with an incredible level of blasé confidence.  Phil had noticed that last year, Finn had been less confident, and downright defeated when Rae had broken up with him.  But this year Finn walked like he owned the world.  Phillip understood that it wasn’t a conscious thing; Finn was just happy and confident, and it translated into the way he walked.  Phil emulated it, like a good actor does, taking his cues from the things he’s seen around him.  He emulated Finn because no one fucked with Finn, Finn looked happy and confident, which is what he and Finn had agreed upon; for Rae’s sake. 

Up ahead he saw Jake; a tennis and chess buddy.  He was a fairly well liked lad, and Phil was sure his decent looks had something to do with it; he’d recently grown into his face and constantly had a roguish, rough look about him.  He wasn’t so stunning looking that all the girls liked him, but he was good looking enough to be able to always find a girl to hook up with at parties. 

“Hey Phil.”  He nodded at Phil, “I gotta ask you… d’you fuck trademark?”  Phil had heard Rae’s nickname before, but most people knew to call her by her name around him, so he still had to take a moment to realise what Jake was talking about.  He laughed and headed towards the main hallway; he had a little bit of sneaky business he wanted to do. 

“Tell me Jake, did you wank last night?”

“Oi, you know I don’t like talking about self-love.”  Jake said with a grumpy face.

“Funny that.”  Phil gave him a pointed look and walked off.  Neither confirm nor deny; that was Finn’s plan too. 

He came to the photo montage of the Summer Ball and saw the photo of him and Rae dancing together.  Taking a quick look around he took the photo, and looked at it momentarily before slipping it between the pages of a book in his bag.  He walked away from the board, heading towards his registration room.  His parents had been in contact with the school multiple times about his time away so he didn’t need to provide a letter to his registration teacher, he just had to show up on time as usual. 

“Phil!”  Izzy threw her arms around his neck the minute he entered the room.  “I’ve missed you!”  She grinned.  Registration classes were sorted alphabetically and he and Izzy shared this class; he was the only person she knew in the room. 

“Phil, did you bang Rae?”  Steph, a girl Phil tutored in English asked as she walked past the room.

“You still a virgin Steph?”  Phil asked and Steph gave him a dirty look.

“None o’ your fucking business.”  She retorted.

“Yeah.”  He answered and she shook her head.

“Fine, don’t answer.”  She walked off and Izzy nudged him.

“I thought you and Steph was friends.”

“Oh we are.”  Phil answered. “But Steph’s a dickhead, let’s not pretend otherwise.”

“Sometimes she’s a dickhead.”  Izzy corrected, “She’s lovely in dance class… never asked me about the rumours.”  Izzy pouted, “People ask Amy and not me.  I was fucking there, she weren’t.”  She shook her heads, rolling her eyes to denote how stupid everyone was being.  They both sighed and Izzy laced her arms around his waist, leading him into the classroom, “C’mon Phil, you’ve got a hell of a day ahead of you!” 

 

 

15 minutes later he was dawdling towards his first class.  He was still exhausted from his influenza; Finn had had to let him stop several times for coughing fits this morning; and he’d already been asked 8 times if he had fucked Rae.  He hadn’t been asked if she had fucked him, or if they fucked together.  Had he fucked her.  The part of him that was shaping up to be a feminist ally hated the fact that the woman was always the passive object in language surrounding sex and physical intimacy.  The things that had happened between Rae and he had been entirely mutual, it wasn’t just him doing things to her.  He hated that kind of language.  He walked past the Summer Ball board again and noticed that none of the pictures of Rae were there anymore.  He had been considering taking the one of her by herself; but it was already gone.  New copies were printed off every couple of days and replaced; the lads on the student council made sure of it, while the girls wanted to just take all the photos down earlier than was traditional at the College.  He pulled an unimpressed face at the montage.  He felt like ditching his class and sitting outside in the sun instead; he was so exhausted. 

“So this is my first day back.  Ugh.”  He muttered to himself.  He dawdled, knowing he would be late, but not caring; today he would go easy on himself.  He decided to cruise on a slow speed through the entire day. 

He heard someone call out slut from around the corner and hoped it was no one he cared about getting bullied, but knowing his luck it’d be Rae… He went to help either way; it wasn’t right to bully others. 

And there she was walking at a grumpy pace as a few girls followed laughing, calling after her. 

“Fat whore!” 

“You’re such a fucking slut!”

“Aye.”  Rae shook her head and took a deep breath. 

“Why the fuck would those two lads go for fat fuck like you?”

“Cos she’s a fucking slut.  Puts out easy.”

The conversation was rapid fire, so that even as Phil hurried towards Rae, she was called a bitch, a whore, a slag, and a slut numerous times.  Just as he got to her, one of the girls spat on Rae, the saliva landing on Rae’s arm.

“Hey fuck you!”  Phil was there finally.  “If we did fuck, I’m as much of a slut as her, spit on me next time you wanna judge someone’s private life.” 

“But she cheated on Finn!”  One of them retorted.

“Why are you sticking up for her?”  Another asked.

“Why aren’t you?”  Phil asked, “Girls need to stick together not tear each other down over who might have fucked who.”  Rae was mostly ignoring the conversation, and was focussed on getting the disgusting blob of spit off her arm by rubbing her jacket on the wall.

“I heard Finn’s gonna kick your arse.”  She sounded worried for his safety.  Phil shook his head in response.

“Yeah well Finn’s me mate so I really doubt that.”  He answered easily. 

“Fucking bullshit, everyone knows you hate each other.”  A different girl answered. 

“Everyone’s wrong.”  Phil shrugged, “I mean we trained together this morning, so I don’t know what to tell you; we’re mates.”  Rae was aware that Finn had decided to take Phil on; Finn had even given her a blow by blow account of their first session this morning as they showered.

“Come on people.”  Mr Roach moved them all along as he hurried through the corridor, obviously running late for his own class.  The girl who had sounded worried for him looked over her shoulder at him as they walked off.  Phil, though, was focussed on Rae.  She was heading to the disabled toilet, to clean off her arm and have a moment to silently fume.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah I’m sorry, I probably started more rumours.”  He acknowledged.

“Oh well.”  She shrugged, “I really don’t care what these people think about me Phil.”  Phil noticed that she seemed to genuinely mean it.  “I worry what you think about me… and I worry about what me friends think about.  And me family.  And Finn.”

“Where is Finn?”  He asked as he accompanied her. 

“Physics.”  Rae answered.  She had a wonderful free period this morning, and was intending to get some work done for drama. 

“He needs to be protecting you from this shit; he’s the only one that can make everyone back off you, cos they all think King Finn has been broken hearted by you.”  Phil shook his head, frustrated by how little he could help, “He needs to say something.”

“They don’t really do it in front of him… in fact they only really get that bad when I’m alone.”  She told him, “I haven’t really told him how bad it’s getting.”  She said with another shrug. 

“Why not?”

“I can handle it,” She answered honestly, “I honestly don’t care what they think Phil.” 

“Nonetheless, it’s his job to help you with shit like this.”  She got to the disabled toilet and opened the door.  He looked at it and nodded that he’d wait for her but she pulled him in and locked the door behind them.  Phil stood with his back to the door while Rae went to the sink,

“He’s in physics can’t be with me all the time.”  Being in this closed space with her made it impossible for him to not think of her in a more intimate light.  He watched her through longing eyes as she took her jacket off and grabbed some hand towels, wetting them and cleaning the area that was spit on completely. 

“Well he seemed to do a bang up job of being around all the time whenever I wanted time alone with you.”  Phil regretted saying it, but she looked over her shoulder at him and a small grin suddenly touched her lips

“That he did.”  She chuckled and looked back at her jacket.  Phil let out a small chuckle. 

“He never gave me a moment alone with you.”  He muttered.

“And now look at us.”  Rae grinned at him again, this time looking in the mirror.  The ache for her was almost overwhelming and Phil made himself look down.  He swallowed hard and pocketed his hands.

“I’m gonna talk to him about this, if you won’t.”

“No Phil, don’t.”  Rae turned to him, her jacket in her hands, falling limply in front of her. 

“He needs to know this.”  He tried to reason with her.

“He’s got enough on his plate without dealing with the fallout from this; that’s mine.”  She turned back to the sink; the paper towel had left a wet papery residue where she had used it to scrub the spit off. 

“Why is that yours?”

“Cos it’s my fault.”  Rae said, “I’m the one who did this.  So I get the fall out.”  She turned to him with a firm determined face, “Not him.  And not you.” 

“Rae.”  Phil furrowed his brows; this was tricky territory for him, finding out how to do this friendship thing properly without veering off into the ‘hopelessly in love’ part of their relationship was new for him.  He was used to living in both worlds simultaneously.  “That’s not how this thing works.”

“You and Finn have been so good about this whole thing.”  She answered, her voice filled with emotion, “I’ve put you both through so much pain and uncertainty for so long… the fact that everyone else now knows that I’ve been a twat to both of you is my problem.  Not yours, and definitely not his.” 

“I don’t understand why you think you were a twat to both of us.  You feel love for two people simultaneously and it took you a while to realise it.  That’s not something you did to us.  You didn’t set out with the purpose of hurting us or making us feel bad, or anything at all really.”  Phil’s hands twitched to touch her, “You’re not a bad person cos you fell in love Rae.”  He saw the longing in her eyes momentarily before she lowered them.

“I handled it all very badly.”  She replied.

“Are you really gonna say that Finn and I both handled it well?  Because I can tell you right now that were both happy to admit that we didn’t.” 

“Fuck it’s strange you two being on the same team.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me.”  Phil answered and she laughed gently.  “Rae, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“Phil-” She stopped, her eyes on his and bit her bottom lip.  “I love Finn.”  She whispered, “You know it’ll always be him.”

“I know.”

“But it hurts when I think about you… about not…” she didn’t let herself finish the sentence.  She didn’t let herself tell him that it hurt her terribly to not be with him. 

“I know.”  Phil answered gently, “Trust me.  I know.”  She swallowed hard and turned back to the sink.  Phillip took a deep breath to steady himself. 

“It’s cos I say things like that, that I think I’m a bad person Phil.  Not cos I love.  I can’t help that I love.  But I can learn to keep my fucking mouth shut.” 

“Ah you wouldn’t be you if you did that.”  He answered genuinely and she turned back around instantly. 

“It’d be easier for you if I didn’t say stuff like that.”  She asserted.

“I don’t even know what’d be easier for me anymore Rae.”  He shook his head, “No point thinking about it anymore.  It is what it is.  I’m in love with you.  Nothing’s gonna change that… and you… love… me.”  He said slowly, “Are in love with me.”  He said carefully, “But, you love Finn more.  You have an established relationship with him that brings you great happiness, and comfort.  And you’ve worked hard together for that.  Finn’s… he’s your guy.”  Phil still wished he could hate Finn, but he already knew he couldn’t; he made Rae happy, that made him instantly a good guy in Phil’s mind.  But more than that; Phil personally knew him to be a truly good man.  “And he’s a really great guy.”  Phil added, “I don’t think there’s anything at this point that could possibly make this any easier.”  He looked down at the floor.  “It’s just gotta hurt.”  He looked up at her and they stared at each other, the longing almost palpable and Rae knew she had to say something to change the charged feeling in the room.

“You’re mum kinda hates me.”  Rae blurted out without thinking; she hadn’t intended to tell him that.  Phil blinked slowly as if coming out of a daze.

“Pardon?”  He asked.

“Oh nothing don’t worry.”  Rae finished up with her jacket and put it back on.

“What did she say to you?”

“She says she don’t want me around you no more.”  Rae decided there was no point in pretending it hadn’t happened now, “She’s says you can do better.  That you will do better.  And she’s right.”  Rae stepped forward to leave the toilets, but Phil’s hand was out of his pocket before he knew what it was doing and was on her cheek. 

“She’s wrong.  There’s no one better than you.”  He let his thumb trace along her cheek for a moment and went to take his hand from her cheek, but she held it here a moment longer, her eyes closing, her brows furrowed with the same ache he felt.

“I don’t think I’m shit Phil.  I know I’m not.”  She opened her eyes and looked into his, “I just meant that you can do better than second place.”  She let her hand drop, but Phil’s stayed on her cheek.

“I can.”  He agreed, “I can already name a dozen girls and women I could be first place with.”  His hand traced down her cheek, his thumb brushing along the corner of her lips, and then his touch as gone.  “But that doesn’t compare.”  He shook his head slowly, “Nothing compares to you.”  He thought of the first time he had had a twang of emotion for her; when she had sung that Sinead O’Connor song.  He shoved his hand back in his pocket.  “We should leave the toilet at different times, so there’s no fuel for the rumour fire.”

“I really don’t give a fuck Phil.”  Rae said.  “I’m never gonna do anything with you that I’m not willing to tell Finn, and he’ll believe me when I tell him nothing happened.  The rest of them can believe whatever they want.”  She shrugged and he moved out of her way so she could open the door. 

The corridor was deserted and Rae turned to Phil.

“I’m heading to the library.”  She told him.

“Guess I better head to class.”  He sighed, “Want me to walk you there?”

“No, I don’t need protecting from them.”  Rae shook her head, “And you’re late enough as it is.  So go on, piss off!”  She told him.  He gave her a smile and headed off to class. 

 

 

Phil walked slowly to class and by random coincidence saw Finn in his physics class.  There was a substitute in and Finn was clearly not paying attention to him.  He preferred Ms Verna; she knew her stuff, this guy was a hack, Finn was much smarter than him when it came to physics, and he knew it. 

By chance Finn looked up as Phil was walking past and their eyes met.  Phil stopped and motioned for Finn to come out.  Finn grabbed his bag and declared he was feeling unwell.  The substitute didn’t know what to say and Finn just kept walking without looking back. 

“What’s up?”  Finn asked as he got out of the classroom and they headed off towards the lunch table, Phil subconsciously deciding he wasn’t up for sitting through advanced maths just yet. 

“They spat on her Finn.”  Phil said.

“Oh fuck.”  Finn shook his head in dismay, his heart hurting for Rae, his anger burning in the pit of his stomach.

“Hey Phil did you fuck-” Rick stopped short when he saw that it was Finn with Phil, “Never mind.”  He said and turned away, the toilet pass that Mr Roach always passed out in his hand.  Phil sighed and turned back to Finn.  “They spat on her.”  Phil repeated.  “You’re gonna need to do something.”

“Aye I do.”  Finn agreed, “And I will figure something out, don’t worry.”

“I think you’re right about us being mates being a good strategy.”  Phil added. 

“I know it is.”  Finn shrugged. “So how was it seeing her?”

“Well I nearly made out with her in the disabled toilet… so you know… it was simultaneously excruciating and wonderful.”  Finn took a moment with that information and nodded slowly.  It would take some getting used to, but he preferred the honesty.  He wanted Rae to tell him if she needed to make out with Phil, but he was beginning to understand that this might not happen.  But she had resisted so far.  Finn looked over at Phil, his eyes were downcast, and he fidgeted with his watch as he almost slumped over the table, his whole being looking utterly dejected.  Phil looked over at Finn to see him looking at him thoughtfully.

“Nothing happened.”  Phil said, “I mean I stroked her face.  Which I shouldn’t have.”  He shook his head, “I never would have dreamed of doing that a month ago.  It’s so wrong that she’s said no to me and I still feel like I can do that.”  He stared at his hands, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  But I don’t like that I-”

“It’s cos she feels for you, even though it’s a no.  She gave you a soft no, not a hard no.”  Finn answered, “Don’t beat yourself up.  If she were to give you a hard no, or tell you to never touch her again, or to never talk to her again, we all know you’d respect it.”

“I should respect the soft no.”  Phil answered, “What the fuck it a soft no anyway?  It’s still just a fucking no.”

“What did she do when you touched her face?”  Finn asked and Phil hesitated.

“She held my hand there for a moment.”  His voice was soft, edged with pain and longing. 

“There’s your soft no.”  Finn said, “It’s a no that wishes it were a yes.”  He sighed, “But you’re right, it’s still a no.  So you need to treat it as a hard no.  You’ll need to take your cues from her though.  It’s not up to me what your relationship with her settles into.”

“You ever worry about the kind of man you’re becoming?”  Phil’s voice had a deep uncertainty in it that Finn had never heard from him before.

“Constantly.”  Finn confided.  They sat in silence for a moment thinking about that.  They watched a bunch of lads crossing the grass up ahead, it was quite obvious they were talking about Phil and Finn, speculating about the conversation they were having.  Finn sucked his teeth moodily, watching the first years gossip about him and Phil, but not able to hear what they were saying.  He didn’t care for himself; he worried about Rae.

“Would it be easier for you and Rae if I left?”  Phil asked, his eyes on the lads.

“Well it’s not for me or for you to speak for Rae.”  Finn answered instantly.  He was struck by how natural it was for him to say this now, to think it.  He liked that.  He liked that he was loving her like she was free.  It suited his soul better, it felt like he was being true to himself like this, and it kept them both happier.

“Yeah.”  Phil was agreeing, “I know…”

“You’d have to ask her… but let’s be real Phil, we both know it wouldn’t be easier for her.”  Phil took in Finn’s face as he continued to watch the lads, “would it be easier for me?”  Finn mulled it over, “It’s be worse for me.  Cos I hurt when she hurts, and I know that I’ve helped create this situation.”

“Well I’m gonna put most of the blame for this on my shoulders.”  Phil said, “Although, if you hadn’t been such a fucking jealous Neanderthal to begin with…” Finn chuckled, “I mean I still would have loved her, but I would have kept it to myself a lot better and we wouldn’t have ended up here.  It was never like me to be so obvious about my feelings like I was with Rae… but you sure did push my buttons.”  They both laughed at their past foolish actions.

“You still thinking of leaving then?” Finn studied Phil’s face.

“It still keeps entering my head that it might be easier for me.”

“It won’t be.”  Finn answered in an authoritative tone and Phil looked at him, as if could answer all of his questions.  “We both know it; we’ve talked about this.”  Finn turned to Phil, “I’ve been where you are; I thought I’d never get to be with the woman I love again.  And I ran.  Cos it hurt so fucking much.”  Finn held Phil’s gaze, “It didn’t stop.  That pain you’re feeling, it won’t stop just cos you can’t see her.  You know that.  And you know that if anything it’ll just get worse.”  Phil nodded his head sadly, “it didn’t stop when I were in Leeds.  It didn’t stop when I was fucking me new girlfriend.  It won’t stop Phil.  You and me… we was built for loving her.”

“So what am I if I can’t…?” Phil stopped the words, stopped the thought and looked away.

“You are a good man Phillip.  And you will always be a good man.  Being with, or not being with Rae, does not define you.”  Finn said firmly.

“God I wish I could hate you.”  Phil said with a joking tone and they shared a smile.  “But I can’t.  Cos I know you’re right for her and I know you make her happy… so…”  He shook his head and looked away, “Rae might not define me… but she affects me… alters me… moves me.”  He looked back at Finn, “And I’m not with her, so I have no way to express all of that.” 

“Pour it into your art, I s’pose.”  Finn answered.”

“That’s what I intend to do.”  Phil answered with a small grin.  “It’d be so much easier if I could hate you.”  Phil sighed.

“Yeah I know.”  Finn agreed, “I hated Liam so much.  I could see he were wrong for her.  But I had to sit back and watch him drag her down.  Had to watch her do things that were so out o’ character for her.  Got to wondering if I’d ever known her at all.  But I know now she were hurting and that were her way of dealing with it.”

“See, she’s not hurting this time.”  Phil was glad she wasn’t hurting now like she had been with Liam; like she had been when she’d said no to Finn. 

“No she is.”  Finn corrected him gravely, “It gives her a lot o’ pain to know she hurt you.”

“But she’s not hurting over the choice she made.”  Phil replied.

“Phil… she is.”  Finn answered, “She’s not hurting over saying yes to me.  She revels in that.”  Finn said with a grin that quickly turned serious, “But she’s hurting over saying no to you.”  Phil sucked his bottom lip for a moment.

“Yeah, I guess I knew that.”  He furrowed his brows, “I don’t like the thought of her in pain like this.”  He shook his head sadly. 

“You know, she doesn’t change for you like she did with Liam.”  Finn said with a nod, “So I couldn’t o’ hated you if you’d ended up with her… cos like I said, you’re a good match for her too.  The way you love her and care for her… She deserves it.  She deserves all the love in the world.”  Finn gave a slight grin because he knew that Rae was beginning to understand that she deserved it, “So it sucks for you mate, but let me reiterate; I’m glad you’re around.”  He took out a cigarette, “So I guess that’s my full answer about whether it’d be easier if you left.”  Phil nodded and they both looked out across the grass silently. 

“I’ve been asked a lot if I fucked her.”  Phil mused out loud.

“You’ll get asked a lot more.”  Finn answered, “It’s not bothering you?”

“Nah, I don’t give a fuck.”  He shrugged, “I used to care about my reputation.  But I just don’t anymore.”  He pulled a disinterested face, “besides, I don’t mind if everyone thinks I slept with Rae.”  He grinned and Finn rolled his eyes at Phil.

“Alright fucker.”  Finn laughed.  “We should head in to performing arts soon.”  Phil grinned and found he was really looking forward to seeing Elsa and the rest of the drama gang.  He’d missed that class most of all.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Thunderstruck’ by AC/DC _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2AC41dglnM>

 

The four of them walked down the corridor.

“So everyone remembers the plan?”  Chloe asked and they all nodded.  “Right… well thanks for doing this.”  She split off from them to go to the nurses’ station.  Rae, Finn and Rhys continued on to Liam’s room. 

Chloe had decided that Liam needed to go outside.  He needed to feel the wind on his skin, he needed some sun.  He needed a damn cigarette.  But the hospital was reluctant to agree to her request; Liam was seen as very fragile and ‘at risk’ they told her.  So Chloe decided to take things into her own hands.  She took a deep breath before turning the corner, her best teary face on. 

“I can’t breathe!”  She cried, looking up at the ceiling, straight into the lights, which always made her eyes water, and also showed off the dark bruises around her throat.  Rhys, Finn and Rae slipped past the nurses’ station and continued on to Liam’s room.  Rae had been furious when she had seen them this morning; her list of awful things she wanted to inflict upon Ian had grown substantially and she had hugged Chloe desperately afraid for her safety.  She had been so glad to hear that Chloe was living at Rhys’s house now.  Chloe had taken Monday off school.  Tuesday had been a bad day at school, but she had gotten through it with Rae and Izzy’s help.  And now they were here to take Liam outside for an hour.  The nurse rushed to her and offered her help. 

In Liam’s room, Rhys walked in first; he was interference, if they came across any staff, his job was to divert them away from Rae and Finn, who were to get Liam in his wheelchair and get him outside.  Rae was also to play secondary diversion if it was required. 

Liam was in a contemplative mood.  Which was better than the more depressed moods he’d had lately.  But he really needed someone like Rae to come so he could bounce conversation off her.  He missed having Rae around a lot.  Those had been the best few months of his life.  He watched the tv, his mood dropping when he thought about Rae with that Finn guy and realised that he’d missed out on her because he’d been such a turd to her.  He looked up at Rhys as he came in.

“You got the wrong room, mate.”  He said and continued to bite the cuticle around his finger, looking back at his tv without another thought.  Rae and Finn walked in when they heard that there was no nurse in the room.  “What the fuck are you doing here?”  He saw Finn first and then Rae, his face lighting up, happy to see her.  “Hey girl!”  He looked back at Rhys and Finn, “What’s cracking?” 

“Get in your wheelchair.”  Rae said firmly and Liam stared at her for a moment.  “We’ve got no time to explain, Chloe sent us to come and get you.”  Rae pulled his blankets off and motioned for him to get a move on.

“Steady on!”  Liam answered, “What if I’d had nothing on Rae?”  Liam looked at the pulled back blankets.

“Well I’ve seen your dick before, and they’ve both got dicks, so I’m sure we’d all cope.”  She answered with a face that indicated she was not to be messed with, “Get in your wheelchair.”

“Did you forget about me shitty walking?”  He snapped, and Rhys came over to him. 

“I’ll help.”  Liam looked like he was about to argue but he looked at Rae’s determined face and knew there was no point.  Besides he was insanely curious to see what they were up to, and it was so nice to have something to break up the monotony of the day.  Rhys, who was more than capable of lifting Liam’s full weight, easily helped Liam into his wheelchair and Finn pushed it towards the door, Rhys leading the way and Rae bringing up the rear. 

They went back past the nurses’ station, Chloe was still crying, and she had managed to get the nurse to face away from them, so thy easily slid past.  Rhys turned the corner and saw a nurse up ahead.  He motioned for them to slow down and approached her with a warm smile.  They peeked around the corner to watch for when it was all clear.

“Hi, I’m so lost, I’m here to visit my sister…” The nurse looked at him, and like most people who came under that gaze, she was mesmerised by the smile, his warmth, and the slight undertone of fear at the sheer size of him, the tattoos.  She wracked her brain and then remembered that there was a black woman in maternity. 

‘You’re a new uncle!”  She declared and Rhys’s smile went even wider, his eyes twinkling.

“I’m so happy the baby is born!”  He said happily, “Is it healthy?”

“Oh yes, a beautiful baby girl!”  She said, “Good genes obviously run in the family.” She gave him a sly smile and then had to stop herself from biting her bottom lip.

“I’m sure you’d know something about that.”  Rhys answered, his eyes never leaving her face.  She bit her bottom lip and leaned forward slightly. 

“My name’s Renee.”  She said in a flirtatious tone.

“I’m Rhys.”  He returned the flirt, both Rae and Finn’s jaws dropping; they’d never really seen Rhys flirt.

“Damn, that guy’s got moves.”  Liam said, “And he’s not even making a move!” 

“Perhaps I should take you up to maternity?”  She asked, her eyes sliding down Rhys’s incredible body.

“I’d like that.”  He replied, his eyes staying on her face, his tone like golden syrup.

“I’d fuck that guy and I’m not even gay.”  Liam shook his head.

“Are you thinking of having your own, now that you’re sister’s done it?”  She tried to be conversational and Rhys smiled and lowered his eyes for the first time, as if slightly sad.

“Unfortunately I’m not really in a position to think of starting a family just yet.”  He put his hands in his pockets and then looked up at Renee, “I’ve got no one that wants to start a family with me right now.”  He gave a half smile and looked off as if he felt foolish for saying that he shrugged slightly.

“I’m sure you’ll find someone.”  Renee put her hand on his arm and Rhys let his eyes linger where her hand touched him, before letting them slowly slide up her arm to her face.

“Do you really think so Renee?”  He asked, a heat in his words that made Rae’s body respond, even though she was metres away from him.  She cleared her throat awkwardly and shuffled her feet.  Finn watched Rhys, transfixed and amazed by this side of him.  And Finn had a feeling that this wasn’t even Rhys in seduction mode; this was just Rhys saying what the nurse wanted to hear, relying on the nurse’s own preconceived notions to carry the entire thing.  Rhys just added a little heat to make the nurse lose herself a little.  She wrapped her arm through his and smiled reassuringly.

“I know it.”  She told him, “Maternity’s this way.”  She led him away and Finn set off down the corridor towards the exit.

“Making a jailbreak are we?”  Liam asked, a lot more keen on this idea now.

“Shut up and pretend to be asleep.”  Rae told him.  Liam let his head drop forward onto his chest, as if sleeping.  Rae kept a look out for any nurses that could stop them and insist that Liam go back to his room.  In her head she had decided that she would enact an anxiety attack if she needed to run interference. 

But happily, they managed to get Liam outside, Finn angrily pushing the wheelchair across the grass to the allocated meeting place.  Eli was waiting there; a picnic set up already.  She jumped up the minute she saw him and ran over to the wheelchair to give him a hug.

“Eli!”  Liam hugged her back fiercely. 

“Come on you two!”  Finn said grumpily; getting a wheelchair across this lush grass was not fun.  Eli demurely stepped back and motioned for Finn to continue and after a few minutes of grunting and swearing, in which Liam happily didn’t help one bit, Finn got Liam to the picnic blanket. 

“I’m not really lined up straight.”  Liam complained.

“I don’t give a fuck!”  Finn answered grumpily.

“Finn.”  Rae gave him a stern look and Finn rolled his eyes but plonked down onto the blanket like he had agreed to do, and took out his cigarettes.  Eli grinned and opened up the picnic basket, revealing a packet of Liam’s favourite cigarettes.

“Oh thank fucking Christ!”  Liam whispered as Eli took out a cigarette and handed it to him, Finn giving him his lighter.  Liam lit up the cigarette and looked around at the grass, the trees, the singing birds.  Eli’s smile broadened; yes this had been a good idea.  They watched as Liam’s eyes closed when the wind ruffled his hair.  He took a deep breath, trying to get his emotions under control. 

Only moments passed and Chloe was jogging across the grass to them.

“We did it!”  She said happily to Eli who hugged her gratefully.  She turned to Liam to see his eyes, the cigarette firmly clenched between his lips.  “You right big boy?”  Chloe asked him with a grin.

“No one’s ever done something like this for me.”  He answered and she sat down in his lap and gave him a hug.  He then noticed her bruises and she had to explain to him, in very vague terms what had happened.  She was still sitting in his lap, now explaining what had happened with the nurse, when Rhys came strolling across the grass.  He gave Chloe three slips of paper and sat on the blanket next to Finn, his long legs bent so he could lean his arms on his knees.  Chloe looked down at the slips of paper.

“Phone numbers?”  She gave him an impressed look. 

“I’m a charming man.”  He replied with a sly grin.

“I know.”  She laughed, “You gonna call any of them?”  He shook his head.  “I’m alright with it you know.”  She told him, and he believed her. 

“They’re all looking for more than I’m willing to give them.”  He replied honestly, “I won’t fuck around at the expense of people who are looking for love or commitment that I am not willing to give them.”  His eyes rested on Chloe, still sitting in Liam’s lap and Liam looked at Chloe and then Rhys. 

“Alright.”  Liam said, “I’m gonna need filling in!”  He commanded with a cheeky grin. 

“First thing’s first.”  Eli said, “I made a picnic with all your favourite foods that they won’t let you have.”  She opened the basket and started to get food out.

“Well you fuckers have definitely put some effort into this!”  He laughed, “I can’t believe you guys would do this for me.” 

“Of course we would.”  Chloe told him, “That’s what friends do.”  Chloe got off Liam’s lap and sat down between Rhys’s thighs, leaning back on his chest.  Liam looked around at them all.  “And we’re your friends.”

“I’m not.”  Finn said with a shrug.  Rhys turned his eyes to Finn and Rae tutted.

“I’m alright with that.”  Liam answered.  “Don’t worry about him Earl.  I got you, and Chlo, and Eli, and that’s what fucking matters.”  He said happily, tears in his eyes, “Thank you for this!”  Finn’s tongue went to his back teeth but he didn’t say anything.  Rae sat next to Finn and held his hand. 

“Our pleasure.”  Chloe grinned at Rae, then Liam, then Eli.  He closed his eyes again when the wind ruffled his hair, the sun on his face, the smell of grass and cigarettes and delicious food.

“I gotta get out of that fucking hospital.”  He suddenly realised, “That place is killing me.” 


	11. Chapter 6 - Unexpected (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the sixth episode 
> 
> This is a continuation of my season 4 fanfic.
> 
> Unfortunately this episode is too long for this site, so I have to post it in two parts! This is part 2 
> 
> If you can, read it with the suggested music
> 
> cheers m'dears xo
> 
> yes i am still writing episode 7!!

 

 

_ ‘Hit’ by The Sugarcubes _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5fAWpv_axs>

 

Macca looked across the table at Bethany as Woody looked through her art book.  She was shaking her head at him.

“Oi, don’t look at that page!”  She told him and flicked past a few pages before giving a sneaky look to Rae.  Rae didn’t even feel blush on her cheeks; she just ate the sandwich she had and shrugged when Finn turned his eyes to her 

“What’s on those pages?”  He asked with a curious grin.

“Just some studies based on a live model I got to draw last year.”  Bethany answered.

“Was it a nude?”  Woody asked trying to flick the pages down but Bethany slammed her hand down on the page.

“For someone who claims to not be a virgin, you sure do get excited by the idea of a drawing of a naked body!”  She snapped.

“Nudity always excites me.”  He grinned.  He looked down at her abstract work.  “What’s this?”

“A fruit bowl.”  Macca answered, his angle was hard, but he could see the work.

“Oh I see it!”  Woody laughed, turning his head to the side, “And this?”

“A cubist drawing of my dog.”

“I love dogs.”  Macca said, his eyes meeting with Bethany’s across the table, “What kind of dog is it?”

“He’s a mutt we rescued from the pound.”  She grinned.

“Sounds perfect.” 

“He’s real cheeky.”  Bethany chuckled.

“I bet he is.”  Macca answered, “Prob’ly learned it from you.”

“Probably.”  She grinned.

“What’s this?”  Woody was still happily looking at her artwork.

“That’s a sunflower dope.”  Macca answered.

“I’m not a dope!”  Woody shook his head, “I’m just crap at art.” 

“Those things you care outta wood are right artistic.”  Izzy countered and he shrugged.

“That’s all just woodwork stuff.  I’m good at that.  It’s quite literal and physical.  This is real art.  I like it, but I’m crap at it.” 

“What you do is definitely art Woody.”  Bethany told him, “Your stuff has form and function.  Mine’s all form!”

“Which means it’s all beauty.”  Macca said and then froze, “Is that right?” He asked as if he didn’t understand what form and function were in an artistic sense. 

“Not all art is beautiful.”  Bethany shrugged, “I mean sure my sunflower is.”  She grinned, “But I’ve got some stuff in some of my other art books that are really horrible.”

It was a typical lunch, the conversation was easy and flowing, Rae sat in between Finn and Phil, as usual; it was real nice having Phil back for lunch times.  And James sat next to Finn, they were chatting about American music.  Macca sat next to James, across from Bethany, as always.  Woody always sat next to Bethany, Chloe next to him with Izzy and Bryn on the end.  This was the way lunch always went down and when one of them missing, everything felt off-kilter.  Rae looked over at Bryn and Izzy laughing together, Bryn in full on impress Izzy mode.  But after a few days of awkwardness, Izzy had decided that Sam had been wrong about Bryn, and when she had questioned Rae again about her opinion on the matter, Rae had told Izzy to not worry if he liked her; she enjoyed his friendship, whether he liked her or not was his problem, not hers.  Izzy had been living by those words, and their friendship had continued unabated; Izzy ignoring any signs that he liked her and only ever taking in terms of friendship with him. 

“Alright, not all art is beautiful!”  Woody agreed with Bethany, “But we can all agree that we are a beautiful bunch of friends right?”  He asked loudly, getting everyone’s attention.

“Agreed!”  Bryn said loudly, his eyes slyly resting on Izzy as she looked down the table at Woody, grinning. 

“Here, here!”  Bethany laughed loudly.

“Oh we’re not all good looking!”  Finn looked over at Phil meaningfully.  Phil shook his head laughing.

“Oi watchtower and if; don’t go bringing down the love buzz you two!”  Woody called to them, using the Hendrix inspired nicknames he’d given them.  Finn was ‘all along the watchtower’ and Phil was ‘if 6 was 9.’

“Well Gwyn,” Phil ignored Woody, “Everyone has the right to be ugly.”  He said earnestly, “But I can honestly say, that you are 100% abusing the fuck outta that right.”  Everyone laughed; Finn the loudest because he was so rarely called ugly, he appreciated someone trying to go down that path, “Oh who am I kidding?”  Phil said, remembering that not only where he and Finn mates, but they had to have the appearance of being mates, “You’re magnificent.”  He looked at Finn, he really was a good looking lad.  Phillip had been jealous of that since the first day they’d met.  “Quinn, you’re a beautiful man.”  Phil said in a completely serious voice that made everyone laugh even louder. 

“Aw thanks Jill!”  Finn answered sincerely, “You’re quite stunning yourself, your six-pack is literally majestic.” 

“Majestic!”  James laughed. 

“You ever get the feeling Rae,” Chloe asked, “that your boyfriend and rumoured lover are a little too into each other?”  She laughed.

“I’ve known for a while that they love each other more than they love me.” Rae returned with a conversational tone.

“Yeah, why don’t you guys just get gay already?”  James teased.

“No – they’d be bisexual, cos you can never discount the fabulous Rae.”  Woody countered.

“Either way, you two should consider it!”  James looked from Phil to Finn and then to Rae, his eyes moving slowly between all three.  Phil and Finn shared a glance, both of them shrugging at almost the exact same moment.

“Maybe.”  Phil said.

“Right circumstances.”  Finn added.

“It’d totally be hate fucking though.”  Phil declared and Finn nodded his head.

“Yeah and it’d be really hot.”  Finn said, “I mean look at us!”

“Oh yeah!”  Phil agreed, “Scorch the fucking sheets.”

“We’d let you watch Rae, what d’you think?” Finn turned his eyes to her and she looked from Finn and then to Phil.

“Well if you really need to do it, I have no objection to watching!”  She joked.

“Oh right, and can either of you fine looking lads give good head?”  Chloe ask, “Deep throat?  Do you guys spit or swallow?”  She looked at one, then the other, “And how’s anal sex for you?”  Finn and Phil shared a look again, silently determining how far they were going to take this. 

“Well Jill here does violin.”  Finn said, “That gives you strong fingers right.”  Rae looked down at her sandwich, knowing the answer that question.  So she didn’t see Chloe’s eyes twinkling with the same knowledge Rae had; when it came to fingering, Phillip Seymour was quite talented.

“Exceptionally strong, I also play the double bass, classical guitar and piano.”  He held up his hand and moved his fingers, “strong, dexterous, flexible… stamina.”  He grinned.

“Reckon you could stimulate the prostate with those!”  Finn said and Phil nodded.

“Oh easy!”  He agreed.  “Football, your skills are incredible, particularly good at heading the ball.”

“Good strong neck movement.”  Finn grinned, “I reckon that’d translate to great head.”  Rae shared a look with Chloe; they both grinned, far too amused by this conversation.  They turned their eyes to Izzy who was grinning in the same way.  The three girls had commented on how hot the idea off Finn and Phil together was at the AFL match, and now this.  Everyone else was laughing; the rumours about Rae, Finn and Phil had been coming thick and fast, so seeing them unaffected by everything was great. 

“And how’s your gag reflex?”  Chloe asked them.

“We can learn.”  Phil looked at Finn, “Practice makes perfect, right?”

“And you know the practice in this case would be quite fun.”  Finn grinned cheekily and subtly motioned for Phil to look at Rae, she was smiling, chuckling; happy.  She was happy.  It was the first time since Phil had been back that the tension between the three of them had ebbed at all.  Phil nodded almost imperceptibly to Finn.  He understood the message loud and clear; the more Finn and Phil got on, the happier Rae was. 

“Alright for anyone that doesn’t want the imagery in their head.”  Chloe rummaged in her bag, “Which is not me.  I’ll be having private lady moments about that!”  She laughed and the other girls joined in nodding.  “I have a postcard from Archie!”  She grinned.

“I got one too!”  Rae said and rummaged through her bag.  “Dear Rae, and everyone else.  We’re having an awesome time in Egypt.  The Coptic Christians in Cairo let us have a look at a lovely church with amazing detailed paintings and coffins.  You can’t believe how beautiful it was, unfortunately we couldn’t take photos.  I asked Tom a very important question inside the great pyramid of Giza.”  Rae paused and grinned.

“Oh my god!”  Chloe said happily.

“I’m so excited for them!”  Izzy grinned.  Finn had read the postcard last night when they’d seen it and sat on Rae’s bed all grins.  He was so happy for his best friend.  Couldn’t wait to do all the things; see the ring, organise a buck’s night… Go to as many rallies as required to bring about marriage equality.  He and Archie had talked about it; they had decided to have a ceremony for their friends and family, and get it legally done when the law changed.  They’d both agreed when they were 12 that they would be each other’s best men if they ever got married, so even though Archie hadn’t formally asked, Finn knew he’d get that honour and all the duties that went with it. 

“And Tom rode a camel at the pyramids! It was amazing to behold!  I have photos… you will laugh.”  Rae giggled, Chloe and Izzy joining in, the others not really sure what was so funny.  Phil was trying not to watch Finn’s arm; it had snuck around Rae’s waist, his fingers were gently stroking her side.  These were the moments that were hardest for Phil.  “I can’t fit everything on one postcard, so everyone in the gang will get one!  I miss you guys, and wish you were all here with us; Rae you would love it here!  I love you girl, and I love the whole gang and Tom says he loves you guys too.  Love Tom and Archie.”  Rae held up another postcard, “Dear Finn, fuck I miss you!  I miss the whole gang, but I could have used your calming influence when I asked Tom; he loved the ring.”  Finn grinned; Archie had shown him the ring.  “The Citadel in Cairo is truly astounding; you’d have loved the Grand Mosque; the sense of peace and quiet would have appealed to you.  And it was truly beautiful and spiritual; and everyone was so welcoming and open to us having a look around.  Amazing.  Everything in Cairo is a mix of the new and the old, I think it would appeal to you; you’ll have to bring Rae.  Love you mate!  See you in December.”  Rae looked at Izzy.

“Haven’t got mine yet.”  She shrugged, they all knew it’d get to her eventually.  They all looked to Chloe.

“Dear Rhys,” She looked at Izzy, “Mine hasn’t come yet either, and Tom’s writing is tiny, so bear with me.”  She grinned and looked back at the postcard, “I’ve stolen this one from Archie to send a quick hello.  Hope the business is going well.  It’s fucking hot here.  Archie is like a kid in a candy store, and I’m actually having a blast even though I actually look like I’ve spent my entire life inside a volcanic ash cloud.  Got a very nice fancy new addition to my left hand, and a fabulous gay song in my heart.  Couldn’t be happier.  Cairo is incredible, the shopping in the grand bazaar is the stuff life is made of, and the people are unbelievable!  The pyramids are more magnificent than you could ever imagine and mummies more gruesome.  Say hi to everyone; love you all far too much for words.  Tom and Archie.”  Chloe looked up at them, “Ps, Tom looks great when he’s dirty and sweaty, don’t listen to him, Arch.” 

“It’s not enough that the bastards have gone, but they’ve gotta torture us with descriptions of what an amazing time they’re having.”  Rae laughed.  “Oh I’m so jealous.  I wish I were there.”  Everyone agreed that they’d rather be there too. 

 

 

They headed to drama laughing.

“I just gotta go past my locker.”  Phil said.

“We’ll wait.”  Finn answered and then grinned at Phil’s look of surprise.  Bryn jogged after Phil, needing to go to his locker too. 

“We’ll have to invite some of these people to our get togethers.”  Chloe noted as they all watched Phil opening his locker halfway down the corridor they were stopped in front of.  Bryn had run to nearly the end of the corridor and was just now opening his locker. 

“Oi Seymour!”  Phil turned and saw a group of second year lads approaching, “What’s it like having Nelson’s sloppy seconds.”

“First of all girls don’t work that way, I encourage you to try opening an anatomy book, or a biology book.  Secondly, didn’t you date Stacey Stringfellow after he dumped her?”  Phil shot back with a sneer before turning back to his locker, disinterested in their responses.  Rae furrowed her brows and looked away; the group of lads hadn’t seen Finn and Rae standing at the end of the corridor.  Finn’s eyes narrowed as he watched.  The lads laughed, enjoying Phil’s comeback.

“But is it like fucking a waterbed?”  He shot back, “All that fat moving about while you try to get it in…” 

“Well maybe your cock’s so little that you struggle to get it in, but it’s not a problem I’ve ever had.”  Phil closed his locker and walked away.  He hated pissing contests like that; comparing dick size, but really he was going to run out of retorts if he didn’t sink to that level occasionally.  He had dearly wanted to say something about the fat comments, but he knew it’d open up the speculation about whether he’d fucked Rae too much, so he’d made himself bite his tongue.  Bryn started to hurry back from his locker while the lads were laughing, the guy who had done the asking acknowledging the comeback in decent humour. 

“Why does everyone want that fat cunt?  I mean why would you even wanna touch a fat pig like that?  Imagine it naked.”  Rae’s face grew cold like stone, “She got a great personality Bryn?”  He said to Bryn who looked horrified by what he had said. 

And Finn was gone from her side before Rae had chance to register it.  He slammed the guy into the lockers violently.  Phil came up beside Finn and looked back at the other lads in the group, they were unsure how to respond.  Phil cocked a thumb lazily to Finn.

“He’s my boxing trainer.”  Phil said, ignoring the fact that this morning had only been his second lesson, “Try me.”  They backed off, leaving Finn to have a chat with the guy who had insulted Rae.  Finn pushed him harder into the lockers, his forearm across the guy’s throat, the guy struggling ineffectively.  Phil leaned on the lockers beside him, keeping an eye out for teachers. 

“Finn!” Rae called after him.  Chloe and Izzy both looked down the corridors for teachers while Bryn walked up to where Finn and Phil were.

“That’s not a very nice thing you said about Rae.”  Phil said, looking at the guy as he tried to push against Finn’s arm.  “I think that’s why Finn here is so pissed off.”  He nodded as if he’d been very helpful in his analysis.  “I’m pretty pissed off too.  But out of the two of us, he’s the one better at kicking arse… and we play to our strengths, you know?”  Phil grinned almost pleasantly. 

“Why would you say something like that about Rae?”  Bryn asked, “You basically said that you think she’s nothing cos she’s not skinny.”  Bryn said shaking he’s head.  “That’s some fucked up shit.”

“That says a lot more about you than it does about her.”  Phil added.  Bryn and Phil looked at Finn.  Phil had spoken to give Finn time to calm down a little. 

“Say it again.”  Finn’s voice held so much menace that Bryn took a step back.  But Phil just scratched his chin and watched the action, totally un-affected by the violence of it; his entire demeanour so blasé, you’d think he experienced scenes ten times more violent than this on a daily basis.  The guy shook his head.  “Say it!”  Finn insisted. 

“No!”  The guy was terrified. 

“Good.”  Finn said, “Never say shit like that again.  To anyone.  Understand?”  People were milling past looking surprised and worried.  Bryn told them not to worry as they stared and wondered if they should tell a teacher. 

“Alright!”  The guy almost yelped as Finn let him go and then slammed his back into the lockers.  Finn backed up and let the guy slip past him and leave in a hurry, his hand up to his throat. 

“Nice.”  Phil noted, “You’re such a fucking Neanderthal.”

“You don’t complain about it when I’m teaching you boxing.”  Finn retorted snarkily. 

“I’m not really complaining about it now.  Except you weren’t quite caveman enough.  Surely you could have hit him.”  Phil grinned at the look Finn gave him. 

Rae put her hands on his face as soon as he got back to her.

“Don’t do stuff like that.”  She said tensely.  “I don’t care what they think.”  Finn accepted her words silently and gave a thank you wink to Phil; his help had been invaluable.  When Rae saw the wink she turned on Phil.  “And you!”  She said with a surprised expression, “I never thought I’d see the day when you’d encourage him!”  Like Finn, Phil accepted her words silently; she was right of course, but he had so enjoyed seeing that guy be terrified for a moment.  Hopefully he would stop bullying people, like Finn had told him too. 

 

 

“We’ve got two things happening today.”  Elsa stood before them with a handful of handouts, “Firstly the dates for the one hour play competition have been announced.  We’ll be doing Rae and Phil’s adaptation of Macbeth that you’re all familiar with.  Today we’ll be doing a full run through.”  Elsa sought Rae out in the audience, “You still wanna be director?”  She asked and Rae nodded her head, excited to be the solo director of a play.  “The second bit of business today is Principal Dixon would like all second year students to start mentoring first year students.  I convinced her to let us performing arts people all stick together, so we’ll be organising that today too.”  Elsa started handing out the information packs for the one hour play and new mentoring program.  “So first years, go up to a second year that you think might not totally suck to be mentored by, otherwise I’ll allocate pairings.”  The first thing Rae noticed was Bryn turning to Izzy and Izzy nodding.  Rae looked away and looked over to Kurt and Kristi laughing with Phil and Finn; reliving the competition in Lincoln. 

“So you two…” Kurt suddenly said, “You’re more friendly than you used to be.”  Kristi narrowed her eyes at her brother.

“We realised we got more in common than we don’t.”  Finn answered vaguely. 

“A lot more…” Kurt said slightly suggestive.  “like sport or something?”  He asked innocently and Kristi pursed her lips, just about ready to belt her twin.  Kurt always talked about getting girls as if it were a sport, so Kristi, who had unfortunately heard way too much of his talk, knew exactly where he was going with this conversation.

“Yeah, we’re both quite athletic.”  Phil answered non-committal, also fully aware of where Kurt was going with his questions. 

“And does Rae enjoy that you’re both… quite-” 

“You mind your own damn business!”  Kristi slapped his arm and Rae chuckled.

‘Oi, it were harmless!”  Kurt replied, “I’m just curious as to what the arrangement here is…” Rae noticed that more than one set of eyes were pretending to not watch what was going on. 

“Whatever the arrangement is, I can guarantee you, it’s not your fucking business.”  Kristi asserted and Kurt rolled his eyes.

“Oh no it’s fine Kristi.”  Finn said with a sly grin that Phil picked up on.  Rae hardly noticed a first year girl approaching her because she was watching as intently as half the class was.  “I think Rae very much enjoys our athleticism, wouldn’t you say Phil?”  Finn asked him with an innocent grin.

“Yeah she comes and watched our PE classes all the time.”  Phil had caught the look on Finn’s face and played along. 

“So I guess you know the arrangement now.”  Finn shrugged. 

“Rae likes to watch us play.”  Phil clarified in case he hadn’t gotten it.  Rae shook her head; the gay rumours would be flying around the school tomorrow.  She understood they were doing it to take the focus off her, to try and stop the endless barrage of ‘slut’ calls that had been following her around the corridors.  And as soon as that rumour took hold, Finn would do something to put that rumour on its head too, and Phil would no doubt help.  She took a moment to appreciate them both, before realising that there was a dark haired girl looking at her silently.  As soon as Rae saw her she smiled with as much welcoming energy as she could muster.

“Hi.”  Rae said and she saw the girl’s blue eyes simply stare at her face, as if she couldn’t talk.  Chloe looked over and furrowed her brows; that was the girl she’d seen staring at Rae and told to stop a few weeks back. It was strange seeing her so close to Rae, since she usually tried to stay on the complete opposite side of the room to her.  Chloe readied herself to come to her friend’s defence if needed. 

“I’m Bree.”  The girl said softly and held out a hand.  Rae took it and the girl looked positively terrified. 

“I’m Rae.”  She shook the girl’s hand, “Want me to be your mentor?”  Bree nodded her head.  Phil, Finn and the twins moved back closer to Rae as the first years started to approach, almost as if they didn’t want to end up with a person to mentor.  And as they came closer Phil froze, his forehead scrunched up and he looked around, suddenly sniffing the air. 

“What’s up your arse?”  Finn asked him.

“Can you smell that?”  Phil looked around and shook his head, “I’m probably imagining it.”  He shrugged. 

“What?” 

“You still got that letter Rae got?”

“The anonymous love letter?”  Finn asked and Phil nodded, “I think I shoved it in me locker.”  Finn answered.

“Go get it.”  Phil sniffed the air subtly again, “I think I’m smelling that perfume somewhere.”

“Gotta take a leak Elsa?”  Finn called out to Elsa, who was organising mentor partners.

“Five minutes Finn.”  She answered without looking away from the people she was talking too.  Finn jogged from the room and ran to his locker on the other side of the school.  He opened it up and looked through the utter mess inside, pulling books and bits of paper, a mouldy orange, spare PE clothes, pens…

“Here it is.” He smelled the letter; the perfume smell was faint but still there.  He sprinted back and slowed to a jog as he got to the door, sauntering in as if he’d only walked the 4 doors to the toilet instead of been across the whole school.  He covertly handed the letter to Phil, who calmly folded it into the palm of his hand.  He put his hand to his nose, the letter folded in it, and took a deep breath and nodded.

“Someone who uses the same perfume is nearby.”  Phil handed the letter back to Finn.

“You’re not even human are you?”  Finn stared at him.

“Can you not smell it?”

“I can smell all sorts of things.”

“It’s all about focus Finn.  Smell the letter, then smell the air again.  And focus.”  Phil told him firmly.  Finn, feeling slightly foolish smelled the letter in his palm like Phil had and realised that the reason Phil had done it was that was to help concentrate the smell in his palm.  Finn then smelled the air slowly, his eyes closed.

“She’s here.”  Finn answered suddenly able to smell the perfume in the air. 

“Might not be the same girl.”  Phil cautioned but Finn walked closer to Rae, an urge in him to protect her, Phil trailed behind.  As soon as they got closer to Rae it became incredibly apparent that the girl she was with was wearing the perfume.  They watched Rae chatting to the girl as she stared dreamily at Rae, a slight blush on her cheeks, her head nodding slowly in complete agreement with whatever Rae was saying, but both Finn and Phil suspected that the girl hadn’t heard a word Rae had said.  Phil and Finn gave each other a look before looking back at Rae and her first year mentoring student.

“Well I think that’s probably that mystery solved.”  Finn said as he watched Bree and Rae.  Chloe came up behind them to watch what was going on.

“Probably.”  Phil agreed. 

“What are you two talking about?”  Chloe asked and put an arm around both of their shoulders, standing between them, feeling too short to do that kind of thing but doing it anyway. 

“We think she might be the one that wrote Rae the anonymous love letter.”  Finn said nodding towards Bree, and Chloe looked over at her. 

“Oh.”  She thought about the look on the girl’s face when she had told her to not stare at Rae.  “You got the letter?”  She asked Finn and he handed it to her.  Chloe opened it up and held it up, as if reading it.  Everyone who looked at Chloe would see her reading the letter.  She walked the few steps over to Rae and put her arm over Rae’s shoulders, declaring loudly that she still couldn’t figure out who had written her this little love letter.  The result was pretty conclusive.  Bree’s eyes had widened and then dropped to the floor, her face reddening while she fidgeted with the handouts.  But Finn and Phil didn’t get to watch the interactions between Rae and Bree any more because two first year girls approached them to be their mentors and then Elsa quietened everyone down so that the rehearsal could begin.  Rae went to the desk to sit with Elsa because she got to direct leaving Bree to sit with the first year girls that had tagged on to Finn, Phil and Kurt.  Izzy and Bryn sat together, with Chloe sitting next to Izzy, a starry eyed first year boy beside her.  Chloe had used makeup to cover the bruises around her neck perfectly, but she was still shaky inside, although waking up next to Rhys this morning had been steadying.  She intended to eventually sleep in the spare bed, but she still felt vulnerable, and sleeping in his arms helped her sleep the whole night.  And Rhys didn’t seem to mind, although she knew neither of them were ready for living together yet.  Rhys was very independent, and she did not want to be moving in with him under these circumstances.  So eventually she would take up residence in the spare room properly.  Just not yet. 

Phil listened to the girls chatting as politely as he could manage, but his eyes kept straying to Rae.  Finn watched Rae openly, talking sparingly, smiling fondly at Rae as she and Elsa talked about how to stage the play.

“D’you wanna mentor me at my house on Saturday night?  My parents won’t be there…”  Phil’s first year student was named Dawn and she was looking Phil up and down.   Finn turned and cocked an eyebrow at Phil, a sly grin turning his lips up before he looked away, his eyes going back to Rae.  Phil shook his head, unable to stop himself grinning at Finn’s look.  They both knew Phil wasn’t going to be accepting this offer.

“I don’t think that’s what they mean by mentoring Dawn.”  Phil said with a half-smile.

“I think we can interpret it any way we want.” 

“And the way I want to interpret it is entirely platonically.”  Phil said with a tone of finality.  If he was going to be having sex with anyone, it would not be with anyone who was looking to date as well.  He was looking for a woman who’d use him for sex; scratch a need and numb him for a while.  He wasn’t interested in pretending to be loving with someone.  His love belonged to Rae.  Dawn didn’t look particularly discouraged; she’d try again in a few days.  Finn looked back over and saw that look on her face.  He also saw Sam looking at her with interest and decided to give Phil a break; he’d chat with Dawn later on and gently nudge her towards Sam, who had given up om Izzy for now.  He looked at Phil and saw that he was desperately trying not to look at Rae too much.  Finn appreciated the attempt. 

At the table Elsa told Rae that they had a theatre and a run of dates for the ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead’ gender bend play they’d been working on, on and off for the past few months.  Rae was excited; all her theatre endeavours where coming together and she got to do her first bit of real directing.  She was really beginning to love performing arts.  Theatre was incredible fun for her now. 

“Well Jill, are you ready for me to kill you?”  Finn laughed and Phil chuckled too.  Finn was playing Daryl in the play, the equivalent of MacDuff, and Phil had the lead; Macbeth.  Rae and Phil had written the parts of MacDuff and Macbeth to have been mates, both of them keen on Lady Macbeth, but MacDuff accepting he had no chance.  They were in the drug business, and Macbeth killed people to get to the top, MacDuff refusing to go with him because he was loyal to some of the people Macbeth killed.  So the friendship falls apart and MacDuff has to kill a maniacal Macbeth to stop him from destroying the whole business and everyone involved.  They ended it with lady Macbeth killing MacDuff and taking over the business; another departure from the original Shakespearean story, but it was too good to not do it. 

“You get to stab him, but I get to kiss him.”  Chloe grinned; she was Lisa, the Lady Macbeth equivalent.  “And it’s starting to look like you’d prefer to be doing that.”  Chloe teased and Finn laughed loudly, garnering a glance from Elsa.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Gold Dust Woman’ By Fleetwood Mac _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPEGzEttx0w>

 

“This is not how I wanted to spend me Saturday night afore work.”  Finn whispered to Rae and she sighed in agreement.  But it had always been part of the plan that after dinner at Finn’s place, the parents would eventually have dinner together at Rae’s place.  Aiesha was over at Alice’s until a little later on to give everyone chance to talk and be merry for a bit before all the attention inevitably went to her. 

Linda and Karim were finishing off the preparation of the food while Finn and Rae waited in the lounge room for Gary and Kenzie. 

“Oh fuck.”  Rae suddenly hissed and Finn raised his eyebrows, questioning what was wrong, “I haven’t really explained properly to my mum about your mum.  I mean she knows a little bit… but not the whole story.”  Rae dropped her head onto his shoulder in an expression of how agonising tonight was going to be.

“Oh fuck.”  Finn agreed with a groan.  “Fuck.”  He took a deep breath when there was a knock on the door.  “Well no time to do it now.”

“I’m sorry!”  Rae bit her bottom lip and shook her head, her brows furrowed dramatically in deep apology.

“It’s not really your job to explain about her now is it?”  Finn noted and Rae noted the cynicism in his voice, “it’s her job to explain herself.”  Rae bit her bottom lip in concern now; this friction between his mother and him was eating at him. 

_There’s nothing like your parents to make you feel totally inadequate._

_I wish he could see how proud of him they both are though… even if things are still tense with his mother._

_She is trying; she did get me a pair of Celtic knot work earrings that are quite nice.  Although they’re something Izzy or Chloe would more wear than me._

_I don’t think I’m girly enough for her…_

_There’s nothing like parents in law to make you feel totally inadequate._

Rae watched him go to the door and let his parents in.  They greeted each other and Rae got up feeling self-conscious.  Her mother and she had gone shopping this morning at Curvy Girl on a Budget and Rae had several new gorgeous, and far more girly than she was used to, items of clothing in her wardrobe.  Beautiful items of clothing that she loved… but she still felt like she was under the watchful eye of Kenzie; like she had to prove her worth. And just on principal Rae felt very inclined to never wear a dress in front of Kenzie since Kenzie only ever seemed to wear dresses.  And here she was; in a deep blue dress that fell to her knees in a slinky, swishy material. It had a halter neck, and she was feeling no shame at all about her bare back and braless breasts.  That was until the moment of actually having to spend dinner with Kenzie was upon her.

Finn had a wonderful habit of staring at her lustfully when she put extra effort into her appearance.  He always stared at her lustfully, but it was a different kind of lust when she put a bit of effort into the way she looked.  She had been mastering the art of different types of ponytails since Aiesha had been born, and today she had a messy ponytail; she had wanted to emulate Elsa.  She had been feeling more confident lately, so she wanted to push that up a little; she wanted to wear bright red lipstick outside and feel fabulous and beautiful.  The messy ponytail suited the dress, and the dress was stunning.  She knew she looked good in it. But she fretted that Kenzie would think otherwise; maybe even think she looked a little slutty.  Linda had hesitated to buy the dress fearing Rae would never wear it, so Rae had taken it as a sign that her mother thought she looked slutty, but she didn’t care and had insisted she wanted the dress.  And even with her anxiety over Kenzie, she had taken a moment to be proud of her progress as she swished the dress around in the mirror.  From not being able to look at herself in the mirror, to having moments when she knew she looked good.  She was proud of the work she’d put in, and the results she was having.  And sex was much better now that she didn’t constantly worry about how her body looked.  She just assumed that if Finn had a stiffy he liked what he was seeing and focussed on getting and giving pleasure.  It was so nice to not completely hate herself. 

But recovery is never a straight line, there’s always setbacks and curve balls, and she had moments where it all flooded back in on her, and then there were people, like Kenzie, that made her anxious. 

Rae had put on the earrings Kenzie had bought her in an effort to show Kenzie how worthy of her son she was.  Rae always felt like Kenzie thought Finn could do better.  On the bad days she still had, Rae perfectly understood why Kenzie felt that way; she herself had felt it. It was pretty true.  But on her good days, Rae was frustrated that there was something between Kenzie and her that made this awkward, uncomfortable feeling so overwhelming, and she wanted to get to the bottom of it.  On the days that were in the middle, most days, she felt anxious about what Kenzie might be thinking, but still knew she was right for Finn.  Today was a middle-ground day. 

Linda came hurrying in, wiping her hands on a tea towel.

“Gary!’  She gave him a peck on the cheek and turned to Kenzie.

“This is my wife Kenzie.”  Gary introduced them, “This is Rae’s mum, Linda.”  There was a moment of silence while the two women appraised each other.  It was a nanosecond, but Rae saw it, even if the two men didn’t; the two women didn’t know how to take each other.

_Oh fuck._

_This could either go really good, or really bad… I can’t see it finding a happy middle ground._

_Oh fuck._

Linda eyed Kenzie curiously as Kenzie looked around the house, clearly anxious.  Karim came bustling in with a huge grin.

“Gary my friend!”  His grin was genuine and affectionate as he embraced Gary and led him to the kitchen after a quick introduction to Kenzie.  He took Gary and Finn off to the kitchen to cook, Kenzie watching them leave.

“That’s unconventional.”  She said with a delighted grin.

“I used to do all the cooking.”  Linda said softly, “But Karim likes to cook, so I thought I’d let him do it!”  She gave a laugh.  Rae remembered the moment her mother realised Karim had slowly been taking over the cooking; she’d asked him if he didn’t like her cooking and he had said that he loved her cooking… sometimes.  Rae had watched her mother’s indignant huffing and managed to avoid her attempts to get Rae involved in the debate of who was the better cook, but everyone had to admit Karim was better at cooking.  And so he cooked most meals now. 

Rae went to get them drinks, giving Finn a pleading look, to which he returned a sympathetic and apologetic look; he clearly had no intention of leaving the dads just yet, so Rae returned with the drinks and a fake smile plastered on her lips.

“So if it’s only two bedroom, where does Finn sleep when he stays here?”  Rae stopped at the door and wished she could hide her face.

“He does sleep in with Rae… it has been a bone of contention and-”

“Oh.”  Kenzie said softly.

“Oh?”  Rae saw her mother’s mouth become a tight line.

“Oh nothing…” Kenzie said and then lowered her eyes, “It’s just… since Rae’s the girl, and younger…. I thought that maybe you would be stricter on-”

“I take very good care of my daughter, and if I thought for one minute her school work or health was suffering from this I would put a stop to it no matter how much she hated me for it.  But as Gary pointed out to me, Rae and Finn have been through a lot together, and he has proven countless times how devoted he is to her.  I could not have asked for a better young man to be involved with her.”  Linda was on a roll, and even as Kenzie attempted to apologise, Linda continued, “And, Gary has also pointed out that my Rae has been an excellent influence on Finn, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about from her.”  Linda didn’t seem to be even taking breaths, “Granted, the situation is not ideal, but when in life is any situation ever ideal. And I trust my daughter.”  Linda said firmly, “And I just can’t fathom who you are to question my mothering skills.  I have raised Rae by myself since was a tiny girl, and you… you’re certainly not mother of the year; where have you been for the past eight years?” 

“MUM!”  Rae said aghast, Kenzie blinked a few times and looked away, her hands wringing together tightly.  Rae recognised the signs of an impending panic attack and rushed over the to the table, putting the drinks down she sat next to Kenzie, but Kenzie shook her head, seeing the worry in Rae’s face.

“I’m fine.”  Rae noticed how short and shallow her breaths were, how rapidly she took those breaths.  But Kenzie nodded slowly and turned her eyes to Linda “You’re right.”  Kenzie stuttered slightly and Rae felt an unbelievable wash of sympathy for her.  “I’ve been unwell.”  She said softly.  The angry line of Linda’s mouth relaxed slightly as she began to understand.

“I was unwell after my younger girl was born.”  Linda acknowledged and Kenzie gave a small nod, her breathing still too rapid.

“You have another daughter?” 

“Yeah, she’s just ten months old.”  Kenzie broke out into a huge sad smile, her brows furrowing, but her eyes light.

“Can I meet her?”  Linda nodded and suddenly called Finn’s name out loudly.  He came into the room at a hurry, as if he’d been expecting some horrible thing to happen.

“Go get Aiesha from next door, love.”  She told him and he nodded and hurried out the door after a quick glance at his mother and a lingering look at Rae. 

Rae offered them both their drinks and forced herself to un-tense all of her muscles.  It took Finn no time at all to walk back in the door with Aiesha, who was loudly chattering in no discernible language.  Kenzie gasped and stood up, her eyes locked on Aiesha.

“She’s stunning.”  She whispered.

“Aye, you should see this.”  Finn said and lowered her to the ground.  He bent over her, holding her arms as she started to walk tentatively across the room towards her mother, grinning and looking around.  Finn grinned like a proud father.

“Can I hold her?”  Kenzie asked and Linda noted the sound of heartache in her voice.

“Course you can.”  She nodded for Finn to bring her over and Aiesha was whisked up and planted in Kenzie’s open arms.

“Walking, so young?”  Kenzie said to Aiesha softly, “You’re an independent little girl, aren’t you?”  Aiesha replied by squealing delightedly and starting to chatter again, her hand finding and holding onto Kenzie wavy hair. 

“I sometimes think she’s so well physically developed because ‘physical’ by Olivia Newton John was playing when she was conceived.”  Kenzie chuckled slightly and bounced Aiesha a little.

“You didn’t know you was pregnant for like, the first five months!”  Rae retorted.

“We played it a lot pet.”  Linda replied and Rae pulled a disgusted face. 

“It’s better than some of the rubbish you play when you’re up to it and you think we don’t about it.”  Linda told her and Rae looked horrified.

“Mum!”  Rae tried not to obviously look at Kenzie, but when she did, Kenzie was so taken with Aiesha that she barely acknowledged their conversation.  Rae turned to look at Finn, he was watching on, with a slightly sad expression on his face.  But when he saw Rae looking at him he grinned happily and put his arm around her shoulders.

“Dinner!”  Karim called from the kitchen.  Kenzie looked sadly at Aiesha and went to hand her to Linda

“You can take her, it’s alright!”  Linda said to Kenzie and Kenzie gave her a truly grateful look.

“Thank you… I’m sorry about-”

“Oh don’t worry about it pet.”  Linda waved her off, “let’s eat.”  Rae tried to not notice how her mother didn’t apologise for what she had said and instead put a hand on her mum’s elbow, letting Finn go with his mother into the kitchen before them.

“Thanks for supporting me and Finn mum.”  Rae said with a serious expression, “You put up with a lot from us, and it just means a lot to me that you trust me and… I won’t break that trust”

“I know.”  Linda stroked her face gently.  “You’ve calmed down after that little bit of a wild phase you went through.  And I know that you’re doing the right thing for yourself now.  And when you forget to take good care of yourself, I know that he will.”  She kissed Rae’s forehead, “It’s nice to know I don’t have to worry about you so much anymore.”

“You don’t have to worry at all mum.”

“I’ll always worry Rae; you’re my girl.”  They shared a happy grin before heading into what ended up being a remarkably pleasant dinner. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Von’ by Sigur Ros _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6LCbJe1dmg>

 

Rae noticed the withered and browned plant on his desk, strewn with multiple folders, all closed for privacy.  She saw the ashtray on the table with several cigarette butts in it.  She felt a moment of reflective sadness and guilt; this was her Kester, the Kester she had wanted back after he had felt more calm and at peace after his holiday.  But maybe being the other Kester was better for him; he looked tired again. 

“Looks like you need another holiday.”  Rae sat down and took him in.  “Can’t be easy dealing with all us nutjob teenagers.” 

“It does have its difficulties.”  He said with a wry smile, and his mind went to Liam, and then Tix, “And heartaches.”  He added, the smile leaving his face. 

“I bet I’m one of the difficulties.”  She grinned and was glad to see him grin back.

“You used to be.  But you’re doing so well now…” He was sad that he was thinking that it might be time to finish therapy with Rae soon.  Certainly when she went to university he would not be seeing her anymore. 

“I think I’m doing really well too.  The mindfulness exercises have been really good, I feel more positive about myself than I think I ever have…”  Rae said with a confident smile, “But there are a few things I need to talk to you about still.”

“Alright.”  He sat back in his chair.  “What will we begin with?”

“My dad.  Again.”  She sighed heavily.  “I’ve been sitting on these feelings since he sent me a letter asking for me to get back in contact with him.”  Kester nodded and waited for her to continue, “it’s like… I’ve wondered why he abandoned me.  This sounds so fucked up but I were kinda almost jealous that Finn’s mum actually had a reason to go…” She shook her head at herself, “My dad had none.”  She fidgeted with her sleeves, “I just wasn’t important enough for him to stay.  I keep wondering why he left.”  She looked up at Kester, “And even though I’m getting better, and most days it doesn’t get to me… I still feel so worthless, and unlovable that he could just abandon me like that.  Like I’m noting.”

“You know that him leaving has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him?”  Kester asked and Rae nodded.

“I do.  But sometimes, I don’t know it.”  She furrowed her brows, “It’s like that negative part o’ me sometimes takes over and… but most day I know it’s not me that were…is the problem.”  Kester lit up a cigarette, “And that letter of his made me feel like I were a disappointment to him, or like he feels like he can make me better than I am… And I can’t help but feeling like that’s how he wanted me to feel.  Like I were broken and he could fix me.”  Kester remained silent, seeing that she was working through it on her own, “It’s like he feels he’s more civilised.  The way he said he thought we could manage a decent relationship… And he speaks as though he’s perfectly reasonable and has excuses for everything, and I’m the one who’s unreasonable for having needs…”  Rae scrunched up her face, “Like, it’s ok for me to want him to stick to his word!”  Kester grinned at Rae’s progress.  “And I can’t help but feel like he just wants someone to work for free on the weekends at his store!”  Rae narrowed her eyes in thought.  “But then I feel terrible, cos I don’t really know him, and I’m making all these assumptions.  And really do wanna know why he left… so I been thinking that I need to contact him again, but maintain contact on my terms.” 

“And what would be your terms?”  Kester asked and leaned back in his chair, impressed by Rae; she was definitely one of his patients he would be able to chalk up as a success story.  And he was so thankful for that,

“I’m not sure yet.  But I don’t think I should contact him again until I do know.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all sorted.”  He said with a crooked grin.

“D’you really think so?”  Rae looked up at him hopefully.

“I think you’ve done a lot of hard work Rae, and now you need to start trusting yourself.”

“It’s kinda hard to do that when I make so many shitty decisions.”  Rae lowered her eyes.

“We all do.”  Kester shrugged when she looked back up at him, “You’ve seen me passed out in my bathroom Rae.”  He nodded slowly, “You know that everyone makes bad decisions.  You just have to learn from them, so you don’t make that same decision again, if you can possibly avoid it.”  He smiled, “Which of course no one does and we all make the same mistakes multiple times before we finally realise what we’re doing and change our behaviour, and even then, many don’t change their behaviours because it’s easier not to.  No one is getting it all right.”  Rae sucked her bottom lip in thought, “You’ve worked against your negative self-image and thought patterns; these were thoughts you couldn’t trust.  You’ve learned to recognise these thoughts so you could fight against them.”  Rae nodded her head, “so you know which thoughts you can’t trust, go forth and make your mistakes trusting the other thoughts, and learn as best you can.  It’s what we’re all trying to do.” 

“So you’re not gonna give me any advice?”

“Do you really need any?”  Rae thought for a moment.

“Not really.”  She answered, “I understand how I feel and why.  I know that my worth isn’t determined by him.  I understand that sometimes I’m still gonna feel like shite cos o’ him anyway.  And I know I gotta look after myself and be careful and politely assertive if I choose to build a relationship with him.” 

“Sounds to me like you’ve got this one under control.  Does it sound that way to you?”  Rae nodded.

‘Yeah, I guess it does.”  She cocked her head to the side, “It’s so odd to not be…” She thought through her feelings, “Seeking or needing help with this.” 

“You might need help further down the track and that’s perfectly fine and I’m always here.  But right now, you’ve got this.” 

“Aye I do.”  Rae felt a surge of self-confidence and took a moment to really enjoy that feeling before turning her mind to the other matters she needed to address.  “There’s something else that I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for months, but I haven’t.”

“And why’s that?”

“I’ve thought about that question a lot.”  Rae said softly, “this thing… has been a real issue… and it’s caused some issues with Finn and me… but… something unexpected happened a few weeks back, and I really need help understanding it all.  And part of it I need to talk to you with Finn here.”

“You haven’t answered the question.”  Kester noted astutely. 

“Cos I feel dirty.”  Rae answered quickly, needing to get the words out now before she clammed up and never said them.  She’d tried to speak to Kester about this so many times… but the words refused to leave her.  She felt so ashamed, and just admitting how dirty she felt, felt like admitting how dirty she actually was.  Logically she knew she wasn’t dirty, and that she had nothing to be ashamed of… But still the feeling persisted, and she hadn’t talked to anyone about this.  Not her mum, not Finn, not even Chloe, who would probably understand.  And now she was trying to tell Kester for the first time, and instead she was crying angrily, deeply ashamed, her hands folded over her stomach, her face lowered, words still refusing to come.

“Is it about Saul?”  Kester asked gently and Rae nodded her head, tears dripping down her face.  Kester had suspected she was holding something back when they talked about Saul and the terrifying assault she had endured nearly eight months ago.  She swallowed hard and then took a sip of water from the water bottle she always brought with her to therapy.  After a few deep breaths she managed to look up at Kester momentarily before lowering her eyes.

“He um…” She knew she just had to say it.  She tried to imagine it as a deep thorn caught in her side and that saying it out loud to someone would finally pull it out of her flesh.  “He didn’t just touch my breasts.”  Rae said slowly, “He also touched my vagina.”  She looked away so she couldn’t see Kester at all, “He tried to get me to cum… and it hurt my clitoris… and now I can’t cum like that… when before Finn used to be able to make it happen all the time… but then a few weeks ago…”  Rae found that the words were pouring out of her now.  “Phil made me cum like that… but I still can’t get there with Finn…”  She stopped, “And I don’t know why.”  She looked up at Kester, “Why would it…” She was unable to mention what Saul had done to her again, so she simply skipped to the end of the sentence without filling in the missing words, “with Finn?  But not Phil?”  Kester took a moment with this information and lit a second cigarette.  There were multiple things to address in this issue, but he went for the most important first.

“You’re not dirty because of what he did to you.”  He said softly but firmly.  Rae felt the tears stinging at her eyes again.  She had said these kinds of things to Chloe multiple times in the early days of Chloe overcoming what Ian and Ben and all those guys had done to her.  She had seen Chloe cry when Rae told her this.  Now she understood why; Rae wanted to believe it, but she just didn’t.  It felt like he had left some sort of stain on her that would never entirely fade.  All these months of not dealing with that stain just made it feel like it wouldn’t come out of her skin even more.  She couldn’t believe how much she was crying over something that had happened so long ago; and she understood that it was still deep inside of her and she had been repressing and evading it for too long.

“If I’m not the dirty one, then why does he get to live his life like nothing happened?”  Her voice broke with tears, “But I’m the one that will live with this forever.  I’m the one that is stained with it.  I’m the one who’s got scars.”  She lowered her eyes, “And so does Finn.”  She mumbled sadly, again blaming herself for what he had gone through, her guilt over Saul resurfacing, and tying in with the guilt she had previously felt over Phillip.  She put her head in her hands and tried to stop her thoughts from running a mile a minute.

“Because the world is unfair.”  Kester replied unflinchingly and Rae turned her eyes up to his, “And the innocent are often the ones to suffer.  But it does not make the guilt theirs.”  He offered Rae the box of tissues and she took one, blowing her nose loudly. 

“I don’t even know why I’m so…” Rae huffed slightly and looked away again, “I don’t even have a right to be so upset.”  She took the box of tissues and pulled out another one to wipe her eyes. 

“Why would you say that?”  Kester’s brows furrowed and he cocked his head to the side slightly.

“You know… with what happened to Chlo.  This is nothing in comparison to that.”  Rae took a deep breath, “I should be thankful that I didn’t go through that.” 

“Rae.”  Kester said as gently as he could, “Sexual assault is sexual assault.  It’s not some sort of competition to see who was sexually assaulted the worst.  This isn’t the rape Olympics.”  Rae was stunned to hear his words, “there are some countries that would define what you’ve gone through as non-penetrative rape.  What you have gone through is deeply traumatic, and you’ve been holding it in all these months.”

“But…”

“Rae, you should never compare sexual assaults; they are all deeply traumatic, no matter how they occurred.”  She felt the words seeping to her core and felt like part of her innards unlocked, like she was allowed to feel as bad as she felt about what had happened to her.  “If one of your friends were to tell you that a man stalked them, sent them gifts and dead animals over months and then broke into her home, held a knife to her throat in her room, cut her so badly she needed stitches, left bruises on her body, groped her breasts, touched her clitoris, made her masturbate him, all the while threatening to kill her… what would you think?  What would you say to her?”  Rae nodded, tears starting to return to her eyes.

“I’d tell her she’d been through something… really fucking awful.”  Rae’s voice cracked and broke as she began to sob.  Kester began re-considering his plan to discharge her from his care soon.  He had thought she was holding in some issues with Saul, even as they had worked through a lot of it, but he had not realised just how much she was holding in. 

Kester sat silently for a few minutes while she cried. 

“What you have gone through is real.  How you feel about it is valid.”  Kester said softly as she started to settle…  Rae nodded.

“I’ve been telling myself that it wasn’t…” Rae coughed and blew her nose again.  “Wasn’t a real thing and I were being daft.” 

“Well let me tell you again Rae; it’s very real, and you’re certainly not daft to be feeling what you feel.”

“Do you think it’s still Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that makes me not able to cum from Finn doing that now…?”  She asked sadly and Kester nodded.

“Undoubtedly.” 

“So then, why… why with Phil?”  She shook her head.

“Well Phil, as far as I know, literally had nothing to do with that traumatic experience did he?”  Kester asked astutely and Rae furrowed her brows.

“No.  He had nothing to do with it… But neither did Finn.”  Rae said, “He didn’t do this to me.”

“No.”  Kester agreed, “He didn’t do it to you, but he was there.  And the trauma of him nearly dying was the horrific ending to an unbelievably traumatic experience.  Perhaps part of you is having difficulty separating him from your traumatic experience in some ways.”  He let Rae consider this for some time.  “Some women can’t have sex with their partners after a sexual assault.  Which is a perfectly normal and valid reaction…” 

“I can have sex.  I love having sex.”  Rae said softly.  “But the way Saul touched me, I can’t…” Her face scrunched up in painful thought and memory, “It’s like it somehow got cross wired in me brain.”

“Trauma can do very unexpected things to us.”  Kester agreed. 

“And because Phil had nothing to do with any of it, all me bits were working normally.”  She felt a huge rush of relief.  This was something that had nothing to do with either Finn or Phil, and everything to do with Saul, and her trauma.  She felt like she could handle that much easier.  Rae felt like the situation with them two lads was far more complicated than the trauma she’d been through with Saul; that was incredibly straight forward to her.  She knew that that didn’t mean she’d get over it easily or quickly, it just meant it was far easier to understand. 

“So how do I get it back?”  She asked Kester, “How do I get myself coming from him masturbating me?  How do I fix me?” 

“There’s nothing wrong with you Rae.  You went through an extremely traumatic experience, and this is a valid response to that.”

“Kester…”  Rae said firmly, “I need this.”

“Be kind to yourself Rae.  Don’t try to force it.”  Kester cautioned, “Take your time, and talk to him.”  Rae sniffed and nodded.  “Have you told him?”

“No.”

“Well you don’t have to.”  Kester said, “You never have to tell anyone.  But you do have to communicate about the problem.  Be aware of how you’re feeling, and convey that information to him.”  Kester told her, “Take your time.” 

“I’ll tell him what happened.”  Rae said, “I should have said something a long time ago.”

“Don’t beat yourself up with the word ‘should’ Rae.”  Kester soothed, “Not telling people is an entirely valid survival tactic.”  Rae was glad that she as finally not crying again, “Many victims of sexual assault never tell anyone.  And if that’s what’s right for them, then no one should judge that.”  He waited for a moment for Rae to think about that, “Everyone deals with trauma differently.  And that’s perfectly ok.” 

“I suppose you wanna ask about Phil?”  Rae asked wiping her nose again.  She and Finn had touched on the topic a few times in therapy, but neither had mentioned what had happened in Lincoln yet. 

“I want to make sure you’re ok…”

“I’m as ok as I can be right now.”  She said.  “I need to change the topic.”  Kester nodded. 

“So,” He paused, unsure how to broach the topic.  “You and Phillip have quite a history.”

“Aye.”  Rae raised her eyebrows and nodded her head slowly.

“I thought that you were going to tell him that you weren’t interested?”  He asked gently.

“I kinda told him that I wasn’t interested… well really I more told him that I love Finn.  I didn’t really say anything about whether I was or wasn’t interested in him.”  Rae said guiltily, “I thought that telling him I loved Finn would be enough to put him off.”  Rae said honestly, “But I realise now, that I always hoped it wouldn’t be.”  She looked down at her nails; they had grown a little longer since she’d stopped biting them.  “The truth is, I loved him even then… I just felt so much guilt about Finn getting stabbed that I didn’t even let myself think about how I was really feeling about Phil.  He as just a guilty pleasure I’d been enjoying at Finn’s expense.”

“So you pushed down how you felt about him?”

“I pushed down even thoughts about how I might even slightly possibly feel about him.”  Rae said shaking her head.  “But Finn knew I loved him.”  Rae lowered her eyes, “And he knew that Phil loved me.”  She nodded her head once, slowly, realising how absurd this whole thing sounded when she said it out loud, “So he organised for Phil and I to have a night together to discuss our feelings.”  Rae looked at the wall and took a deep breath, “And he said he wouldn’t ask what happened…” Kester considered this for a moment, “I hadn’t intended for anything to happen.  And Phil made a point of not letting anything happen when I was angry about Elsa.”  She fidgeted for a moment, “But some stuff happened.  Even after I told him I was gonna choose Finn.” 

“So Finn knows something happened?”

“But not exactly what happened.”  She told him, “He says he wanted to give me everything I need… Even if that meant sharing me with Phil forever… and I keep thinking, what makes me so special that I get to have everything?”  Rae shook her head, clearly bewildered, “Most people never get to have two beautiful men love them, and be permitted to have them both… not that I have Phil… I decided against that.  I decided against it cos I wanted Finn to know that he’s special to me.”  She looked up at him, “Thing is Kester, Phil’s special to me too.  Different.  But also special.”  She looked down, “So where does that leave us?” 

“Where do you want it to leave you?” 

“I don’t even know.”  Rae said.  “I can’t imagine my life without Finn in it.”  She lowered her eyes again, “But I also have trouble imagining it without Phil.” 

“So how did you make this choice?”

“Losing Phil hurts slightly less than losing Finn.  And Finn and I have put in all this effort to creating a wonderful and perfectly functioning relationship, so I am very invested in this.  And him, of course.  Quite invested in him.  I love him so much Kester…”  She leaned back in her chair, “I told Phil that I were sure of saying yes to Finn.  And I am.  But that I wasn’t sure of saying no to Phil.  And I’m not.  And I wish I were.” 

“Love is an exceptionally tricky thing Rae.” 

“I just want to love Finn and no one else though.  I just want it to be simple.”  She lamented, “I want Finn to know that he’s…” Rae paused, there were no real words to explain what Finn was to her. 

“In therapy he seems to still be very happy in the relationship.”  Kester watched her face closely.

“He says he’s fine Kester.  He hasn’t shown one sign of there being a problem.  And I just keep thinking to myself; which one of them lads is gonna break first cos o’ me.”  She got up and went to the window, “They both keep telling me that they make their own choices… but I keep wondering; am I being selfish?”

“Selfish isn’t always a bad thing.  Sometimes it’s the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.”  Kester leaned forward in his chair, “Maybe you need some time to be selfish Rae?”  She looked over at him, “You have had a long time of hating yourself and feeling like you didn’t deserve anything good.  Perhaps you’re allowed to enjoy this, if you’re not hurting anyone.”

“But I am.”

“You say they’ve both made their choice.  Finn seems to be ok-”

“But Phil isn’t.  Even if he’s made his choice, I’m still-”

“You’re still not responsible for his choice.”  Kester said calmly, “We are all individuals, we are all allowed to make our own choices Rae.  You’re not forcing him to stay, or threatening him?”

“No!”  Rae shook her head at him.

“Then it’s his choice to make.”  Kester re-iterated, “And Finn’s and yours.  Don’t take blame for things that are not yours.”

“You know Rhys often says that we teach women to take the blame for things that are men’s fault.  And I can see it.  I agree with him.”  Rae mused, “But I can’t see how this is anything but my fault.” 

“Why do you think it’s your fault?”

“When I first realised Phil had feelings for me, I should have firmly told him no then.”  Rae said.

“And you didn’t because you had feelings for him?”

“That and I didn’t really know how to.”  She sighed and sat back down, “I’d never really been liked by guys… how do you say no to them?”  Rae shook her head sadly, “I said no to Phil, and I’m still not sure that I actually said no.  If you say no and then add that you wish it were yes, that you’re not sure about it being no, that you feelings for him… that maybe one day… how was it actually a no?”  Rae lowered her eyes, “See how it’s my fault, I convinced him to stay.”  Rae gave a bitter smile, “I told him I wanted him to stay when he wanted to leave.  I told him I didn’t want anything to change, that I wanted to keep our friendship.”

“Did you tell him anything that was untrue?”

“No.” 

“Do you think it would have been better to lie, rather than tell the truth?” 

“Maybe in this instance.” 

“Do you think he understands how you feel?”

“Perfectly.”  Rae answered, “He and Finn are playing at being mates to make me feel better.”  She stood up again, almost angrily.  “Why are they doing that?”

“Perhaps you need to ask them?”  Kester watched Rae turning herself inside out trying to understand their motives.

“Finn’ll say it’s cos he loves me and he wants to give me what I need.”  Rae said, “Phil… Phil’ll say the same.” 

“Well is it possible they’re both telling the truth about their motives?”

“I’m sure they are…”

“Do you not understand how you deserve so much love, even at apparent cost of themselves?”

“I know I deserve love.”

“Do you?”  Kester was halfway between delighted and disbelieving.

“Aye.”  Rae replied.  “I do know that I deserve love.”  Rae said firmly, “It’s the first time in me life that I’ve known it.”  She sat back down, “I just don’t think I deserve this much love.”  She confessed softly. 

“Why?”  Rae looked at him for a long time.

“I have Finn’s love.  That should be enough.” 

“Do you think everyone should just have the love of one person?”  Kester prodded and Rae looked away.  She had heard Finn’s words about this very topic, and Elsa, and Rhys, even Chloe now.  It seemed like everyone around her was comfortable with having lots of people loving them, even in a romantic way like this. 

“I dunno.”  She looked at him curiously, “Do you?”

“I obviously don’t.  After my second wife left me, I found love with my current girlfriend.”  He answered.

“But that wasn’t at the same time.”  Rae shot back. 

“No.”  Kester conceded, “But I did experience that in my past.”  He admitted.

“How did you handle it?”  Rae asked genuinely curious.  Kester gave a slight grin.

“Very badly.”  He answered, “How do you think you’ve handled it?”

“In some parts really good.”  Rae said, surprised that now she thought about it that that was the answer she came up with, “I’ve been really honest, and I’ve communicated with both of them about everything… but I think I should o’ lied to Phil, instead o’ get his hopes back up.” 

“So you think that would have been better for him?”

“I dunno…”  Rae mused over everything that had been said these past few weeks.

“Or better for you?”  Kester asked pointedly. 

“I guess I’m trying to come to terms with the part of myself that wants him.”  Rae admitted.  “I love Finn, and I always thought, that once I had him, I could just be happy, we could make it work… and we’d love each other, and only each other… forever.”  She pulled on one of her nails, “And it’s like there’s whole other part of me that I never knew existed… A part of me that wants both of them, that wants them to adore and worship and love me… and I didn’t think I were like that.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno.  Selfish.”  Rae furrowed her brows, “I feel like a cheating slut.”  Rae suddenly said, “Even though Finn and I have talked about this so much I’m gonna fucking puke from talking about it.”  She ripped her nail off, too short and made herself bleed, she winced silently and continued, “I feel like I’m supposed to only love Finn no matter what, or I’m doing the wrong thing.  But I also know I can’t help who I love.  So I feel like… I feel like I’ve done something wrong by openly acknowledging how I feel about Phil, I feel like… I should o’ just… I guess repressed it.” 

“Do you feel like you had an expectation about how love and relationships should go?”

“Yes!”  Rae answered, “And it’s just not like how I expected it to be.”  She answered indignantly, “And half the time I don’t know what I’m doing and I just try to fucking cling to this honest communication stuff, cos it’s all I got going for me sometimes…”  Rae stood up again, “But I feel like a bad person for being honest about my feelings!”  She said exasperated.  She sat down slowly, “And the lads aren’t making me feel that way… I am.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Sway’ by Bic Runga _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAouv2Fojq0>

 

Janice had spent a good half an hour just staring at the work Kelsey was doing on the side of the arts centre.  It was breathtakingly magnificent and Janice was more sure than ever that she’d made the right decision. 

She was renting a tiny, furnished, studio apartment here in Stamford, as well as her other tiny studio apartment in the outskirts of London; this was costing her a small fortune.  But she found she simply couldn’t abandon the arts centre in Stamford and the Hayward Gallery had been exceptionally good about it all. 

She was having Rae and Finn over for dinner tomorrow night before heading back to London on Thursday.  She headed to the shop to pick up supplies before she’d spend the evening in her little apartment, missing spending her time at the Nelson home.  She missed the far too few months she’d had with those Nelson boys, and her gorgeous Rae. 

Everything was different now; whenever she was in Stamford she worried about running into Gary and his wife.

Wife.

She sighed sadly and wished she could stop loving him.  It would be so easy if emotions were like light switches.  Elsa had been a great friend and she wished she could be as blasé about love as Elsa seemed to be.  She had called it an inevitability that came and went. 

Except it never seemed to go.  Janice lamented that she always seemed to love unwisely.  She wished she had a little more control over her heart, or that she could be so accepting of her heart and all the feelings it produced.  Like Elsa; she said to just ride out the feelings, and that the heart is really good at mending itself if we just didn’t dwell on things.  She could hear her voice now, over the music at a bar.

_If you love him, you’ll always love him.  Love doesn’t just disappear like that._

_I still love people that have done unconscionable things to me._

_But your mind teaches your heart, and your gut teaches your heart, and your heart teaches itself._

_We just gotta get out of own way and let our body do what it does._

_You heart will heal, he’ll be a part of you now, but you will learn to live without him._

_And you will learn to be happy again.  You will heal yourself in time._

_Trust yourself._

Janice had had a feeling that Elsa was speaking from experience.  Janice had also had a feeling that she was wired differently to Elsa.  Elsa seemed to be built to handle this world better than she was, even though she declared that she had just learned her lessons well and was not born this way; Janice couldn’t imagine an Elsa that made the same mistakes she constantly did.

She tried to put all of that from her mind and walked briskly to the corner grocery store.  It was starting to cool down a lot and she pocket her hands, wishing she had her gloves.  The wind was truly callous on this overcast day and she took her hands out of her pockets to pull her oversized cardigan around her tighter.  The good thing about being in Stamford on a Tuesday during the day was that she didn’t have to worry about running into Gary; he’d be at work. 

She picked up basket at the door to the store and went to the fresh fruit and vegetable section, smelling the oranges before she even got there.  Maybe she’d make some orange duck for Rae and Finn tomorrow?  She picked up the oranges and smelled them, one by one, weighing them in her hand to pick the juiciest. 

As she looked up to see what vegetables were good she saw a very handsome man look away, very obviously silently berating himself for staring.  Janice had never been comfortable with the way men looked at her, but with Elsa’s help she was slowly learning to not let them ruin her mood.  She moved through the boxes of fruit and vegetables, picking up food for the rest of her time in Stamford, ignoring the man as he lingered, clearly having nothing left to do in the fruit and vegetable section.  

She walked towards the aisles of tinned food and was stopped dead in her tracks by the sight of Gary and his stunningly beautiful wife, laughing together.  She had a packet of pasta in her hand, and his hand was on her waist, whispering something in her ear.  Kenzie laughed again and Janice felt her heart die a little.  This was the second time she’d seen them together.  The first time they still seemed stilted and unsure, but now they were more bonded, clearly falling back in love with each other. 

She willed her feet to move but she was glued to the spot. 

In front of her Kenzie giggled and slapped Gary’s arse hard.

“I’ll go get the meat.”  She said and he watched her leave, his hands in his pocket, before sighing and turning back to their trolley, his eyes instantly catching sight of Janice at the other end of the aisle. 

His jaw dropped and they stood in silence, Janice internally begging her feet to move. 

“Janice.”  He barely uttered her name but she heard it perfectly and her insides ached for him.  She ached for him to say her name to her while holding her.  She ached for a life they would never have.  She couldn’t speak, she just stared at him.  “I took the day off work.”  He explained, his fingers starting to fidget with themselves like Finn’s did when he was worrying.  “How… How are you?” 

Finally Janice’s feet started to work and she started to turn away.

“Please…” He said softly, not expecting her to stop.  “I’m so sorry Janice.”  She paused, not wanting to look back at him but unable to stop herself. 

“Me too.”  She answered, taking him in again.  She turned and left, leaving her basket on a shelf before she forced herself to stroll from the shop, breaking into a run as soon as she cleared the front door. 

She stopped after just ten minutes, the urge to run back to him and throw her arms around his neck and kiss him finally leaving her.  The look in his eyes hadn’t changed since the first time they’d come so close to kissing.  When he looked at her, she saw how much he loved her.  And she knew he saw that same look in her eyes. 

She plonked down in the gutter and looked up at the sky for a while, trying to get her head into order.  She had to fight with herself to not go back and tell him she still felt the same way and it was obvious he did to so what the hell was he gonna do?   Let this love die? 

But of course, that’s exactly what he was doing.  What she had to do.

It was what she had been trying to do.  No, she’d been actively trying to kill it.

It didn’t work. 

She loved him with an ache that was absolutely physical.  And it just wouldn’t die.

 

 

***

 

 

Izzy shivered and pulled her hands into her sleeves.  She read her English text doggedly, refusing to go back into the library; a bunch of girls were gossiping about Rae and Finn and Phillip, and even though Izzy had told them to shut up and mind their own business, they had continued their loudly whispered conversation. 

So she sat at their usual lunch table, alone, slightly grumpy and very cold, determined to read as she had intended for her free period. 

“Hey Red.”  Bryn said with a grin as he sat down beside her.

“You know Woody’s gonna be very disappointed in you for not using Little Wing?”  Izzy grinned and Bryn shrugged.

“Woody’s nicknames are too hard to remember.”  Bryn complained, “For a simple lad like me.”  He took his jacket off slowly.

“I didn’t know you had a free period now?”  He sounded very pleasantly surprised by this.

“I usually do homework in the library during all me frees.”  Izzy explained, “Cos it’s sometimes a bit hard to get it done at home.”

“Oh right.”  Bryn, “Well I usually sit out here for this free, but,” He put his jacket around her shoulders, “now that I’ve done that, I’ll bugger off and leave you alone.” 

“You can’t give me your jacket, you’ll freeze!”  Izzy exclaimed.

“Impossible.”  Bryn answered, “it’s a biological fact that boys don’t feel the cold.  We actually generate heat.  We are the reason that global warming is happening… You should probably destroy us all.”  Izzy laughed.

“Life would be very boring without boys.”  Izzy shook her head.

“Why? You got vibrators and girls go down better, so I’m told.”  Izzy blushed.

“Bryn!”  She laughed and looked away trying not to laugh.  “Maybe I like the way boys look.”  She said after a few moments.

“Ah well then… if you like the aesthetic, you’re gonna have to keep us around.”  He pulled an apologetic ‘it can’t be avoided’ face.  “Have we got any other use than our looks?”

“No.”  Izzy said with a huge grin and Bryn chuckled. 

“So you’ll have to get rid of the ones that don’t fit your aesthetic?” 

“They can hang around and be gardeners.”  Izzy answered.  “Cos I do love a beautiful garden.”  She jokingly told him as if this was vital information.

“I’ll keep that in mind Red.”  Bryn took a lingering look at her face and looked away, “but am I pretty enough to be saved in the new world order of Isabella Reid?” 

“Just.”  Izzy answered with a matter of fact expression and Bryn broke out into an even huger grin. 

“Well I think I like your world better than the current one.”  Bryn answered, “Where do I sign up?”

“Oh I suppose boys are useful for being human heat generators.”  Izzy suddenly added.

“And what would my role be in your world?”  Bryn asked, “I barely escape being a gardener.”  He grinned, “So am I a human art work, there for the aesthetic or am I human heat generator?” 

“You get to choose.”  Izzy asked.

“To what do I owe the honour?” 

“You make me laugh, so you get the special privilege of choosing your own fate.” 

Bryn narrowed his eyes as if in deep thought.

“Can I choose to be both?  A pretty heat source?”

“I think you could manage that.”  Izzy answered and looked down at her book, she closed it and turned back to Bryn.

“Aren’t I supposed to be leaving so you can read that thing?”  He asked with a sly grin.

“You’re also good to be my court jester.”  Izzy answered and Bryn laughed. 

“Oh god!  So much pressure!” 

“Have you got performance anxiety?”  Izzy asked with an innocent tone and a devilish grin.  Bryn cocked an eyebrow at her.

“That was a bit of a risqué question for you Red.”  He said with an impressed tone.

“It’s a legitimate question Bryn.”  She answered in the same tone, “Jester’s have to perform.  You have to entertain and amuse…”  She sounded far more educational now and she gave him an expectant look that made him laugh.

“Alright.”  His eyes dropped to her lips momentarily before he looked back up at her eyes, “How do you want me to perform my Queen?” 

“I haven’t decided yet.”  Izzy was surprised how easily that flirt had come to her.  Until that moment she had not intended to flirt.  “You’ll have to wing it until I do.”  She added, even more surprised by herself for clearly encouraging him. 

“That’s a dangerous proposition.”  Bryn answered leaning in a little, “What if you decide to cut my head off?” 

“That’s the harsh life of my jester.”  She felt her mouth moving more seductively, her lips still parted, and watched his eyes drop to her mouth. 

“I like the idea of being yours.”  He said confidently, without correcting himself.  Izzy felt her breath catch in her throat.  She had not expected this.

“My jester.”  She corrected him and he shrugged nonchalantly taking an apple out of his bag.

“Of course.”  He agreed.  “I know you’re engaged.”  He bit into the apple and grinned happily at her.

“Yeah.”  Izzy answered feeling unsure about what had just happened.

“So what’s this book you’re reading Red?”  He changed the topic and Izzy brushed of what had just happened and handed him the book.  “I wonder if they’ll make me do this next year.”  He read the back.  “Where are you and your hubby-to-be gonna be next year?”  Bryn gave her an odd, knowing look and Izzy furrowed her brows.

“I dunno.”  She answered slowly, “He has a business here, so he kinda has to stay here.” 

“And what about you Isabella?”  He took another bite of his apple, “Where are you gonna be?”

 

 

***

 

 

Macca looked down at the quiz they’d been given.  Their teacher had been called from the room and they had been given a page in their text book to go over after perusing their quiz marks.

“Well it’s official.”  He said to Bethany, “Two weeks of your tutoring and me marks are up.”  He turned his quiz for her to see and she nodded.

“Still not up enough.”  She mused, “You gotta focus more Macca.”  She grinned.  Macca had been frustrated that Bethany had actually meant tutoring, and they had spent three hours on two consecutive Friday nights working on advanced mathematics.  But he did like that she let him sit next to her in class all the time now, and would help him with the work so quietly that no one noticed; their sides pressed together, their heads close enough to almost touch, her eyes always on his book, his struggling to stay off her face. 

Phil was sitting with his regular group of friends, all of them comparing marks, Phil disinterestedly accepting their congratulations for again topping the class.  Everyone had noticed the change in Phillip.  He was still immensely concerned with his marks, but he was also far more relaxed now, and as his friendship with Finn grew so did his reputation in the school for being extraordinarily cool.  And Phil’s complete lack of interest in what or who was cool only added to it, much in the same way as it did for Finn. 

Macca looked away from Phil and leaned back in his chair, subtly letting his shirt ride up a little to show of the ab muscles he’d been working on. 

“What’d you get?”  He asked and watched her turn her eyes to him.

“Phil what’s you get?”  She called across the room to him.

“100.”  He replied with a slight shrug and Bethany’s lips drew into a tight line for a moment.

“One mark less than his.”  She said loud enough for Phil to hear and then sighed, “I need to study more, party less.”

“Oh you can’t do that.”  Macca countered and grinned when he saw her eyes drop to the tiny triangle of exposed skin just above his belt.  She looked back up at his eyes.

“I gotta find time somewhere Macca.”

“Well as long as you don’t find that time by shaving it off the time you spend with me.”  He felt his stomach flutter with anxiety, but decided to go for it, it was time to be forward. 

“Oh right?”  She grinned, “And why’s that Macca?”  She looked back at her text book, expecting some generic answer.

“Cos I like you.”  He answered and leaned forward in his chair, so his head was in line with hers as she looked at her book.  She paused for a moment and considered this.

“Well we’re friends Macca, I’d be surprised if you didn’t like me.”  She answered with a crooked grin.

“No Bethany.”  Macca’s mouth felt dry, his hand were shaking, but he swallowed hard and took a deep breath, “I mean I like you.”  He emphasised the word like to make his meaning more obvious.  She looked up at him, a slightly confused look on her face.

“So?”  She asked.  Macca had not been expecting that response and he froze, not sure how to respond.

“So?”  He asked with real confusion.

“What do you want me to say?”  Bethany sounded slightly angry and Macca was bewildered.

“I dunno…” Macca leaned away from her slightly to take her in while he tried to get his head around her response.

“What you expect the fat girl to just be so grateful a fit lad likes her that she rolls over and lets you have it?”  She answered the confused look on his face. 

“No.”  Macca answered defensively, his mind trying to get around her words and failing miserably, “but I thought that maybe you might like me?”  He tried to get the conversation back onto a topic he could just barely cope with, rather than this one that was way over his head. 

“It don’t matter if I do.”  She retorted with an accusatory voice.

“Yes it does!”  Macca found himself matching her intensity and told himself to try and dial it down.

“No it don’t,” Bethany asserted firmly, “cos I know how this goes Macca,” Macca’s eyes couldn’t leave her face as he watched her speak; the pain of her past experiences clearly bubbling under the surface, “you say sweet things to me to make me melt and think you really feel something, so you can get your greedy fucking fingers in me knickers.  And then tomorrow at school you pretend you don’t know me.”  Bethany had in fact used the fact the boys did this to get her own rocks off with super fit lads, multiple times.  The first few times had hurt her badly, but she had learned to separate sex from love and having a boyfriend and was accustomed to the whole thing now.  But she couldn’t stand the idea that Macca was doing that to her.  Not him. 

“No Bethany I wouldn’t do that.”  Macca was overwhelmed by the pain of her past experiences and had no clue how to properly respond. 

“Uh huh,” She nodded her head cynically as everyone started to pack up around her, the class had ended without the teacher returning.  “Fit lads are embarrassed to be seen with fat girls.”  She told him, proud that she had managed to keep the bitterness out of her voice.  “I’m much too smart to fall for this shit Macca.” 

“I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you… I stuck up for you afore.”  Macca tried to reason with her, ignoring the students milling past their table. 

“Being friends with a fat girl is totally different to going out with a fat girl.”  Bethany shook her head at him, “Guys’ll give you shit and-”

“I don’t care about that!”  He answered forcefully.

“Yeah right, so you wanna date?”  She asked cynically, sarcastically.

“Yeah!”  He answered angrily.  And she scoffed.  Macca’s brows furrowed again. 

“Oh right!”  She laughed bitterly, “I don’t believe for a second that a fit lad like you wants to date me!”  She retorted.

“What about Finn and Rae?”  He grasped at straws, “That’s proof that it happens.” 

“Finn?”  She asked bewildered, “he’s not fit.”

“What?”  Macca had no idea how to answer that, for the past few years of his life he and every other guy at this school had been lived in the shadow of King Finn: fittest lad in the school. 

“Rae’s hot.  But Finn is kinda ordinary,”  Bethany explained like he was an idiot, “she could do better.”  Macca’s mouth opened in surprise and then he blinked a few times…

“I… don’t know what to say to that…” He said to stop her from packing her bag and leaving the now empty room. 

“I knew it.”  She shrugged and picked up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder she got up, but Macca caught her hand gently.

“Wait,” He practically pleaded, “I’m so fucking confused.”  She turned to look at him, “Finn and Rae don’t have anything to do with us right?”  He said firmly, “It were just me trying to convince you that I mean it.”

“I don’t know how you thought that was gonna prove anything.”  She couldn’t fathom how telling her about a hot fat girl going for a lesser looking lad would somehow convince her that he meant it. 

“Me either.”  Macca was starting to get desperate, “Bethany I think you’re hotter than Rae, okay…?”  He said, hoping that this was the right thing to say to make this all work out, “So maybe that means something to you and-”

“So you’ve put us in a competition that neither of us agreed to be in?”  She asked simply and Macca let his hand fall from hers, hope slowly leaving him.

“What?”  His mouth felt numb.  How had he fucked up so completely?  “Beth I don’t even know what to say to you anymore.” 

“Well you’re gonna have to do a lot better than this Andrew.”  She answered firmly and he looked up at her, not sure how to take her words. 

“Bethany I thought that maybe you liked me like I like you, and now I don’t know what’s going on.”  He confessed.

“Just some winnowing.”  She answered and looked at his face with a clearly longing expression that made Macca instantly move closer to her; the desire was that clear.  But she jutted her chin determinedly and turned, leaving without looking back. 

 

 

***

 

 

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you stupid fucker?”  She asked with a fond grin.  Liam looked up and saw Amy standing at the door to his room. 

“Amy?”

“Liam… I would o’ stuck with you if you’d told me.”  She came in the room and sat next to the bed.  “I really liked you.”  She told him and took his hand, “A little bit o’ mental health issues weren’t gonna scare me off.”

“Right, and cows like Stacey wouldn’t o’ put you in your place?”

“If she’d o’ tried to come between me and my man… well you saw how I went after Rae.”  She lowered her eyes, “it broke me heart when she said you cheated.”  She took her hand off Liam’s and sat back in her chair.

“I’m sorry about that.”  Liam lowered his eyes, “That were my fault.” 

“Oh right?”  Amy asked unimpressed; she did not like Rae, and was inclined to blame her for the disintegration of her relationship.  But she shut those thoughts down, there was something more pressing she needed to know about.  “Did you try to kill yourself?”  She didn’t know if she wanted to hear the answer.

“No.”  Liam answered honestly, “I were just trying to have a good time… But I didn’t care if the end result was my death.”  Amy nodded sadly, holding back tears.

“And what do your doctors say?”

“Well me memory’s 95% good now, but I’ll always be a bit scattered I guess, me speech is back to normal.  But me walking will always be a bit stilted and I’ll have this tremor for the rest of me life.”  He held up his left hand and she watched it shake for a moment before he put it down.  “So I’m unbelievably lucky.  That’s what they mostly say.”

“And how’s it like being in here?”

“Fucking shite.” 

“I can imagine.”  Amy sympathised.

“How’d you find out about me?”  He asked, his eyes lowered in shame.

“I heard Finn and Rae arguing.  He does not like you.”  Amy said honestly.  It had been a few weeks since she had heard Rae and Finn bickering, but it had taken her a long time to get her thoughts and feelings into something resembling order.  So she had put off visiting until now, not sure if she could handle it.

“With good reason.”  Liam said with a sad smile.

“A lot of people have a good reason to not like you Liam.”

‘Oh I know.”  He looked down at his shaking hand.

“And yet we’re still here.”  He looked up at her.  “Maybe you should focus less on your bad traits, and more on the parts of you that keep us coming back even when you’re a bastard to us.” 

“Like what?”  She heard the plea in his voice; he needed to hear something worth liking about himself.

“You’re a good protector when you choose to be.  Fun, spontaneous, funny.  You can be fiercely loyal when it suits you, and that makes a girl feel safe… until it no longer suits you be loyal.  Then she’ll feel…” Amy looked away and Liam lowered his eyes, “You’re a great kisser, and fucking cute as hell.”  He scoffed slightly, “Can you still kiss, or did the brain damage fuck up your mouth?”

“I dunno.”  Liam answered, “I haven’t tried.”  He looked around, “There appears to be a dearth of volunteers.”  Amy chuckled.

“When we were together, I liked the way you made me feel… until you got all shitty with Rae.”

“Nothing were happening.”  Liam told Amy, “I met her in group therapy… we was going to group together.  I wouldn’t let her tell you… I left her to take all that shit on herself.  And when it got too much, I kissed her cos I knew she were too decent a person to not tell you.” 

“So you used Rae to break up with me?”

“I didn’t wanna break up with you.  I just didn’t wanna tell you I were mad.”  Liam said, “I didn’t wanna go through all this shit.  So, you know, I embraced the crazy.” 

“You should o’ told me.”  She got up and looked at his face, a mixed emotions playing across her face.  “I’ll come visit you again soon.” 

“If you’d like to.”  His voice was hard to read, so she simply nodded and left, looking back at the door to see Liam’s eyes still on her; watching her go. 

 

 

 

 

_ Amazigh Music from Siwa Oasis _

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSWmTPQr40k_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSWmTPQr40k)

 

They had been in the country for nearly a month.  Last night they had slept in the Sahara desert and looked up at a sky unhindered by light pollution.  There were so many stars that they had simply laid together and stared at the sky in awed silence, unable to find the words to adequately describe the beauty they were seeing.   

Two days ago they had visited the oracle at Siwa Oasis, a beautiful set of ruins overlooking the oasis, and Archie had walked through the doorway reverently, slowly, knowing that Alexander the Great himself had walked here.  Whatever you believed about Alexander the Great, and when and where and how he proclaimed his divinity, one thing was certain; he had stood upon this very spot. 

And now they were setting out with a man who spoke very little English, who stored an AK47 under his seat and wore the traditional clothing of his people in this region of the world; the Amazigh, or Berbers as the Europeans called them.  Ali, who worked at their hotel in organising tours of the sites around Siwa oasis had recommended Sidi; his cousin, and Archie and Tom had given each other a glance and a slight smile, another cousin. 

They had seen the salt pans, the ancient olive grinder, abandoned ruins of desert towns; Sidi taking the time to slowly speak in Arabic while Archie tried to remember the words and Tom looked it up in the Arabic to English translator.  Between the three of them they figured everything out, laughing at the misunderstandings and bad pronunciation.  Everywhere they went Sidi had to say;

“La Amrika.”  No they weren’t American.  The people were so inviting, bringing out sweet tea and trinkets for them to look at, of course Tom bought everything they bought out; Archie had been joking from their first day that they’d need another backpack on the way home.  They already had a third for all the things Tom had bought. 

They swum in the ancient spring called Cleopatra’s Pool at lunch time, Sidi sitting by and chatting to the local boys who brought them fresh dates again.  Archie told Tom as they swam that it is believed that Cleopatra herself swam in the pool on her visit to Siwa while the owner of the small café put together some food for them to take on their trip out to Gebel el-Mawta.  The Mountain of the Dead.  They were in a hurry because the tombs closed at 2pm.

As they drove up Tom felt that the place looked slightly foreboding.

“It’s like eyes looking at us.”  He commented on all the holes in the side of the large mound.  Archie nodded and gave him a huge grin.

“Shall we venture into the realms of the dead?”

“What, you mean again?”  Tom grinned.

“Alright, yeah, there’s a lot of realms of the dead in Egypt… wait till Luxor!  The valley of the Kings and the valley of the Queens… so many tombs!”

“D’you know, I’m really looking forward to Karnak.”  Tom said as they approached the keeper.  He was an lovely guy who opened up many tombs for them to see, some with beautifully coloured ancient paintings on the walls, some with inscriptions, many with mummified remains in situ, and one in particular that had Roman mummies over 1500 years old in it.  He seemed to like the look of them and told them they could touch the mummies.  Tom’s mouth had dropped; utterly aghast.  Nonetheless, after an almost silent debate over whether this was the right thing to do, both men slowly let their hands creep forward to very gently touch the closest amazingly well preserved mummy.  It was dry and leathery and Tom’s mouth turned down into a horrified expression as he continued to gently touch it.  Archie had to stop himself from laughing at Tom as he examined the mummy closely; it was incredible that it was out here and still in such good condition.  Everywhere he looked in Egypt he was amazed; he was so glad they had decided to come here. 

Sidi gave them the thumbs up as they approached the car, leaving lots of baksheesh with the guardian of the tombs.  Tom was still slightly shocked but Archie returned the gesture with a huge smile; they had figured out the thumbs up signal early on in their adventures together with Sidi. 

This afternoon they would be exploring the ruins of the Shali Fortress, before setting off into the desert again tomorrow to spend several days with some Bedouin guides exploring the Sahara.  Ali had suggested that he or Sidi might come with them and they had both been excited by that prospect; both men were awesome guides and very interesting people, Sidi not speaking English only made the whole adventure more fun.  And Sidi didn’t seem to mind that Archie’s Arabic was horrendous, he seemed happy that Archie had bothered to try and learn it, and highly amused by the mistakes he made. 

They got into the back of the jeep and sat opposite each other, grinning like school boys who had gotten away with something.

“D’you know,” Tom said, “I reckon Mohammed would have liked the desert.” 

“I think he would have very much liked the White Desert, which we’ll be going through when we travel back to the Nile.”

“Ah yes, camels again.”  Tom mused.

“You know you love ‘em!”  Archie teased.  “But, you know, thinking of Mohammed, I’ve been wondering, how does one even leave a terrorist organisation?” 

“You’d think they’d wanna kill you or something?”  Tom said, “got all their secrets.”

“But it’s not like…” Archie looked at Sidi driving in the front and decided not to use the name, “that organisation is exactly hiding though.”  He shrugged, “I mean they’re very open about what they’re doing and what they want.”

“And how much they’re willing to fuck you up if you don’t do it.”  Tom added.  “Do you suppose he just walked on in to his terrorists pals and said, ‘alright I’m off, I’ve had enough of this caper.’”  Tom joked and Archie furrowed his brows.

“Are you thinking he didn’t leave them?”

“No, I know he did.”  Tom said without a hint of doubt.  “He’s a good person, just got his head totally screwed on the wrong way for a bit.  Most people go through it.”

“Yeah but most people don’t pick up weapons when they go through that stuff.”  Archie countered and then reconsidered, “But then that’s judging it off a western standard, we’ll never go through the suffering that people go through in a developing country.” Archie acknowledged.

“I suspect it seems like the only answer for these young guys in an extremely unjust and cruel world.”  Tom agreed, “But that’s not to say I sympathise with what they’re doing.”  Ali told them that nine tourists had been shot dead outside the Cairo Museum in Tahrir Square just eleven days before they had landed in Cairo.  He was worried for tourism; and the economy they all depended on, and for the safety of guests in his homeland.  They had noticed in Egypt that the notion of hospitality seemed to be held in high regard by most people they met.  Ali was angry at the terrorists, ashamed that these things had happened to guests in his country, but also angry at the government corruption and lack of due care for its own citizens.  Archie and Tom had gotten the sense of how overwhelmingly hard it was to live under what was essentially a dictatorship; how the options of the people here were so limited.  How frustrating it was that the governments of other nations simply supported this dictator as he allowed his people to starve and live in poverty.  They both understood the anger felt by people that knew they had no way out.  But Molotov cocktails had been thrown at tourist buses and that was something that neither of them could comprehend; and neither could the vast majority of people in Egypt.  Especially since tourism brought in a lot of income for Egyptian citizens.  But neither had a clue as to what the answer was for the repressed people of this incredible nation.  Ali had said that they could only hope for some sort of mass uprising that would oust the dictator and usher in democratic elections.  Tom and Archie both just hoped that the people of Egypt got what they wanted and needed as painlessly as possible. 

Tom opened up his boxed lunch and started to pick at the chicken; it was delicious, but he hated eating with his fingers like this.  Archie opened his and smelled it.  It was still slightly warm and he started to pull at the meat watching Tom as the wind ruffled his hair and he looked down this food.  It was moments like these that he lived for.  Quiet moments when nothing was happening.  Spending so much time with Tom had given him plenty of moments of quiet reflection like this.

“Hey shithead.”  Archie said and Tom looked up. 

“Fuck you shithead.”  He replied, his eyes sparkling with happiness.  This was the coded language they had created so they could tell each other they loved each other in public. 

“Looking forward to dinner at Ali’s home tonight?”  Archie asked him.

“Yeah!”  Tom grinned, “Getting to know people has been one of the best bits.”  He popped some chicken in his mouth.  They had been taking their time and getting to know the people they had been lucky enough to come in contact with. 

Archie ferreted around in his bag and pulled out his diary; he made quick notes to remind him of what they‘d done, in short hand, and noted how many photos he’d taken.  He handed the diary to Tom, who wrote down the things he wanted to remember under Archie’s notes in his own form of shorthand and Archie looked out the side of the jeep, nodding to Tom.  Tom looked over his shoulder; a huge mud brick labyrinthine fortress that looked half melted in places, loomed up above them.

“Ready for a ramble through Shali?” Archie asked and Tom put his food aside.

“Fuck yes.”  The spirit of adventure and exploration taking him over. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Release’ by Pearl Jam _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7z5m6LPBHs>

 

Finn dumped his bag beside his bed and sat down on it, grinning as Rae slinked down onto the bed next to him, her lips finding his instantly.  They fell back onto the bed in slow motion, Finn’s eyes going to the open door.  He grinned happily as her lips travelled down his neck, her hands pulling on the neck of his t-shirt.  His parents had decided to travel to London for the weekend to look at Kenzie’s living arrangements and finally make a decision on the living arrangements. 

“A whole weekend.”  Rae soaked it in happily as they settled into each other’s arms comfortably.  It had been a long while since they’d had a whole weekend to themselves; Finn had pre-recorded his show, the gang had no plans, they had the place to themselves.  The school holidays were upon them; only one week off school, but it was still one week.  And everyone was spending it apart doing various relationship things Rae supposed, until the last Friday night of the holidays.  Then it was a party at Chop and Izzy’s place.

“You might be interested in something Chop slipped to me this morning in the gym.”  Rae looked up at him and he reached down to his bag without having to get up.  He dug around in the bag until his fingers brushed against the brown paper bag.  He pulled it out and showed it to Rae.

“He could not have been more obvious.”  She said with a completely straight face.  Finn broke out into laughter and opened the bag.  Inside were ten bootlegged VHS tapes. 

“We have our porno.”  Finn said with a saucy grin. 

“Took him long enough!”  Rae moaned as she looked at the completely blank looking tapes.

“Apparently his brother’s each did a few for us.”  Finn shrugged, “I have no idea what’s on them.”  Finn laughed.  “Neither does Chop.”

“Well this is gonna be an adventure.”  Rae looked at another completely unmarked tape.  “Can you tell him to get a bunch of pornos where the girl’s in charge next?”  She asked him and Finn grinned.

“I’m sure we’ll be able to find something.”  Finn agreed.

“Make sure you get some of the good stuff you want with that.”  She told him, “Like the caning and stuff.”  Finn bit his bottom lip and was overcome with gratitude that she was the way she was; she just accepted that part of him without a thought. 

“I will.”  He answered happily, confidently.  “Not sure how I’ll explain it to Chop but…”  He chuckled.

“Oh just blame me, I’m sure he already thinks I’m irredeemable hussy.”  Rae only half-joked.  Finn had told her some of Chop’s response to their situation with Phillip and she had been a little hurt that he was judging it so much. 

“No, I’ll own my own kinks when I have’ta Rae.”  He told her.  “And if I’m asking Chop for porn relating to it…” He gave her a look, “Well I’m gonna have’ta own it.” 

“Well if you decide to Finlay, I am ok with taking one for our team.”  He kissed the top of her head after she laid it back on his chest, the videos left strewn across the bed.

“I know you are girl.”  He mumbled happily still holding one of the tapes.  “Wanna have a look at them this weekend?” 

“Maybe.”  Rae sighed and sat up.  Finn looked up at her.  He knew something was up; he could read her ‘I’ve put this off for too long’ face perfectly. 

“Tell me.”  He scooted up on the bed and made the pillows comfy for sitting up, kicking his shoes off at the same time.  Rae slowly gathered all the videos together and put them on the bedside table; Finn would put them in a drawer later. 

“Maybe this weekend isn’t the best time for these videos.”  She said sadly, she had wanted to at least have one night on their weekend without this, but she knew she had to tell him now.  She wasn’t in the mood for exploration while she had this hanging over her.  Now that she had finally talked to Kester about it, it hadn’t left her mind, and she had been having trouble orgasming at all this past week, even though her overall level of horniness had not abated one bit.  It was really quite confusing and super frustrating.  She really needed to talk to Finn. 

“You bleeding?”  He went to the only real thing that had ever shut down their sex life.  This worried him; her IUD didn’t guarantee no bleeding, but so far they had been gloriously redgate free and a change in that seemed to him to be something to go to the doctor for. 

“No.”  She sat closer to him, facing him, her eyes lowered.  “Remember when we was at the coast last?”  Finn nodded, he had wondered when this talk would be coming, and he thought that he might have figured out what that had been about, but he waited silently, letting her speak.  “You remember that I’d been having problems coming when you put your fingers on me clit?”  She asked him and he nodded.  Rae was grateful that he hadn’t really tried to make her cum that way since that talk.  He’d touched her there, gently, but he’d always followed his gentle touch with his mouth and she had been so grateful that he hadn’t pushed.  “And I said I had to talk to Kester?”  She watched him nod again, his eyes on her face, calm and reassuring.  Rae hesitated and looked down.  “It’s cos o’ Saul.”  She blurted out, her nails digging under each other painfully.  Finn put his hands over hers to stop her from hurting herself.  She felt instantly steadier and raised her eyes to his, “He tried to make me cum that way.  And it hurt.  And it was terrifying.”  She said, her voice wavering slightly at the end.  “And I’m so sorry I let this sit over us for so long.”  She couldn’t stop the tears now, “I should o’ told you sooner.” 

“If something like that had happened to me, I don’t know how I could’ve ever told anyone.”  Finn said simply.  “Don’t be sorry for surviving this any way you could.  You have nothing to apologise for.  It’s entirely ok that you didn’t tell me… you never have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”  She noticed how he had kept his hands on hers, not touching her anywhere else, even though he normally stroked her hair when he comforted her; he was respecting any triggers she might have.  She saw how his eyes never left hers, but they were filled with softness and love.  He was holding back his anger at Saul; this was not the time or place for it.  “What do you need from me?”  He asked earnestly.  She felt herself almost melting into his arms, crying with relief more than anything.  He understood that instantly and wrapped his arms around her.  He had known this was coming and was prepared this time.  He stroked her hair, feeling like he could actually be a good support person for her. 

“You’re not angry at me?”  Her voice was cracked with the strain this hidden abuse had had on her. 

“Not one bit.”  He whispered to her.  “I’ll never be angry at you for finding a way to survive Saul and his aftermath.”  He told her firmly.

“It’s like sometimes he’s still here in the room with me.”  She told him, her words escaping into the atmosphere and making the aftermath of this assault that much more real, “And I can feel his fingers, and the knife, and the fear…”  Finn closed his eyes tightly and focussed for a moment on getting his emotions under control; he could express them later, now he had to support her.  “Why aren’t I over it yet?”  She asked vehemently and Finn held her tightly.

“It’ll take however long it takes Rae.”  He told her gently.

“You’re over it.”  She said, referencing his stabbing. 

“No I’m not.”  He said honestly, “I’ve just learned to live with that fear better.”  She looked up at him, “Kester says it might never go away.”  He told her, “It’s ok if yours never goes away too.”  He soothed, “We’ll just learn together how to cope.” 

“Don’t you want it to go away?” 

“Course I do.”  He answered, “But I can’t really do anything about it but learn good coping strategies.  Most o’ what Kester and I are working on now is coping strategies and acceptance.”

“Acceptance?”  Rae mumbled thoughtfully.

“Of what you can’t change, of what you can change, of yourself, of the way your life is… Once you accept things, you can channel your energy better into what you can change, and get on with your life.  I can’t change that I were stabbed and that I have PTSD cos o’ that.”  He said, “But I can change how I cope with that, and I can change the way I view myself and the situation.”  He said, “It’s been a journey.”  He told her.  “So I accept, even if you don’t, that what Saul did, has changed things.  Maybe forever, maybe not.  I can’t change that.  But I can work on making sure you know I’m gonna love you no matter what.”  Rae considered this for a moment, “But,” Finn noted, “This isn’t really the right time for me to be talking about this.”  He stroked her hair, “Sorry.  This is your time to speak.” 

“I don’t mind.”  She shrugged, “it’s comforting.” 

“I’m glad.”  They laid together in silence for a while, Finn holding her protectively, stroking her hair soothingly.

“I wanna get that orgasm back.”  Rae sat up and looked at him, “I don’t want him to own any part of me.”  Finn nodded cautiously, “I used to orgasm like that until he did this.  I won’t let him take it from me.”

“Alright…” Finn said tentatively, “How would we go about getting it back?”  The first thought Rae had was of enlisting Phillip’s help.  Not only was he exceptionally talented in that regard, but he didn’t have the trauma background.  But she closed her eyes and forced herself to banish that thought from her head.  If she wanted to solve this problem it had to be a two person fix; just her and Finn. 

“Practice I suppose.”  She said softly, “And communication.  It’ll be lots of stopping and starting.”  She apologised.

“If it’s what you want, you know I’ll do whatever it takes.”  She settled back into his arms.

“Can we start this weekend?”

“Of course.”  He stroked her hair again.

“Can we make love all weekend?”

“In between eating.”  Finn said with a soft chuckle.

“Alright, if we must.”  She looked up at him and they kissed, Rae feeling wonderfully at peace even though there was another long journey ahead of them.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Everybody Here Wants You’ by Jeff Buckley _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrMwgTc69y4>

 

Chloe put her gloved hand over her mouth and took in the lights of Paris from her five star hotel room balcony.  Rhys poured some red wine; Chloe preferred fruity red wines, and brought it to her, joining her in looking at the night view over the city.  They had been in their room for only 5 minutes before Rhys had called room service.  He had ordered a cheese and fruit platter and wine, a red for her, a white for him.  She looked to her left, there was another balcony on the top level of this hotel, but no others.  It was just them and whoever was in the other room.  But it was very likely they’d never come out on their balcony.  Chloe ran her fingers along the sturdy balcony barrier and cocked her eyebrow as all sorts of ideas came to her. 

“Happy Birthday Chloe.”  Rhys handed her the glass of wine.  She took it and gave him a crooked grin, taking a big gulp of it.

“You are going to have a very hard time topping this next year.”  She watched him smile, a sight she always adored and then turned her eyes back to the city. 

“We’ll see what I can manage.”  He said happily and Chloe put her wine on the outside table.

“What am I gonna do for your birthday?”  She laughed and shook her head.  They would be flying back home next Friday morning.  “I was in school this morning.”  She marvelled.  Rhys watched her face as she expressed her emotions and delight at being in Paris.  “A week in Paris.”  She sighed and turned to him, “You really are a romantic man at heart.” 

“On occasion.”  He admitted, “I knew you wanted to come here.”  He stroked the hair from her face, the slightly chilly air ruffling it gently.  He put his arms around her and she nestled into his warmth happily. 

“Don’t think that I didn’t notice that that spa bath is big enough for the both of us.”  Chloe teased with a slight tone of seduction in her voice.

“Is it?”  He asked innocently.

“And the king sized bed is particularly plush.”

“Really?”  He sounded pleasantly surprised.

“And the lounge looks like we could both easily lie on it.”

“Is that right?”

“And you could fit an entire football team in that shower.”

“It also has stone seat…” Rhys said with that innocent tone again and Chloe looked up at him with a bemused expression.

“Why Rhys O’Daire are you planning on having sex with me this week?”  She saw a smouldering heat in his eyes and felt her body respond instantly.  His lips parted slightly, his fingers grazing her cheek before gently finding the hair at the nape of her neck, sending a delicious shiver down her spine.  His eyes never left her face but it was like he was looking her up and down, eye fucking every inch of her body, while his eyes were fixed on hers.  The dirty thoughts he was having were extremely obvious; his eyes were playing them out for her. 

“As often as you’ll let me.”  His voice was like golden honey, the desire that filled his entire being palpable in his tone. 

“Well that’s gonna be a lot Mr O’Daire.”  She watched him lick his top lip slowly, the grin on his face was utterly intoxicating, “We might not get to see Paris at all.”  He put his hands on her hips.

“Well it’s your birthday present.”  He kissed her softly, barely grazing her lips with his, “You can do whatever you want with it.  And me.”  He ran his tongue along her lips gently, his hips tilting into hers as he slowly stepped closer to her.  Chloe looked up into his eyes.  She had been demanding to see more of this from him, and as always, he was delivering.  Spectacularly.  The desire he clearly felt for her was melting through her body like molten lava, lighting a fire in her core.  All that just from the way he looked at her; and his eyes never left her face. 

“Well there are a few things I’d like to see in Paris.”  She could barely speak, she felt as if the air in her lungs would catch fire.  “But I think I’ll need to mostly stay in… and insist that you do whatever you want to me.”  Rhys put a hand on her lower back and pulled her to him firmly in response to her words.  She gasped with excitement and then shivered as his hands slowly crept up her sides, her breath seeming to suck into her lungs without her having to breathe.  Her body felt on edge, ready to cum at his slightest touch, her head dropped back as he ran his hands back down her side, his lips gently pressing to her neck.  Chloe’s hand went to the thick outline of his cock in his jeans and rubbed him through the material.  His mouth opened, his lips turned upwards, desire and pleasure etched on his face.  Chloe would never tire of making him look like that. 

“Fuck me on the balcony.”  Chloe whispered.  “And I mean fuck.”  Chloe told him firmly.  He spun her around so she had her back to him and ran his hands down her back slowly until he found the hem of her short skirt and slowly pulled it up.  The feel of his hands on her bare back and thighs was incredible as she looked out at the view.  Rhys kissed the back of Chloe’s neck, his fingers gently tracing along the line of her knickers, his other hand found its way under her dress and was caressing the side of her stomach, where she had a sensitive spot that sent tingles through her whole body.  She’d never told Rhys that it was a sensitive place; he’d just learned it by paying attention to the way she reacted when he touched her.  He ran his fingers gently down her crack, through the material of her underwear, leaving Chloe groaning when his hand cupped her cunt, his fingers tugging at her underwear, but not moving them aside yet.  Rhys moved his hands to her hips and slowly ground his hips slowly into her; the layers of clothing between them doing nothing to hide the feel of his hard cock against her.  Chloe matched his rhythm and moved her hips sensually, leaning back into him, raising her hand over her head to gently stroke his face.  His hands travelled over her body as they almost danced, sexually, rhythmically rubbing their bodies together. 

Chloe ran her hands over her own body, feeling the sexiest she had in her entire life as his lips found her neck again.  She reached behind her and rubbed him through his jeans again as one of his hand rose to her breasts, the other reaching around to cup her vagina through her dress and knickers. 

“Rhys.”  She groaned softly, desperate to feel his fingers slide over her slick pussy.  And at that moment that he knew she wanted his hands in her knickers badly, he turned her around to kiss her lips deeply, his hands on her face.  She groaned breathlessly, pressing herself into him, her hands pulling on his belt buckle inexpertly, fumbling in her eagerness, her need to have him. 

But Rhys was all about taking his time when she was hurried like this; mostly because he knew it made her want him all the more.  He kissed her face with soft tender kisses, his hands moving down her cheeks to her throat gently stroking her neck, careful to not close his hands around her throat in any way.  She finally got his belt undone and used the ends to pull his hips into her, Rhys stepping forward slightly for her.  Rhys followed his hands down her cheeks to her neck, kissing her skin passionately, his lips dragging along her skin between kisses.  Chloe reached her hands up under her shirt, her fingers tracing over his muscled abdominals, tense with desire and pleasure.  Rhys made a sighing noise in the back of his throat as her hands moved up over his chest, her fingers finding the piercings in his nipples.  Like Rhys, Chloe had been learning and she knew that his nipples were far more sensitive than her own.  The sigh in the back of his throat deepened into a groan and the rhythmic thrust in his hips began again, Chloe returning the motion.  She grabbed the hem off his shirt and pushed it up roughly.  They had learned that Chloe trying to get shirts off Rhys, who was 198 centimetres tall, was a bit of a disaster.  So when she tugged at his shirts, Rhys would bend and put his hands above his head so she could pull them off him horizontally.  Which she did now, throwing it across the balcony, nearly losing it over the edge, neither of them noticing as their bodies came back together, Rhys’s hands travelling from her hips up her back as he drew her into a deep kiss, his tongue penetrating her mouth slowly, Chloe’s tongue sliding over his sinuously.  She got on her tiptoes and kissed his neck, and his hand went to her arse, pulling her to him and off her feet.  She licked up his neck, his Adam’s apple moving reflexively when her tongue slid over it.  Chloe wrapped her legs around his waist, and bit his neck hard as one of his hands travelled up her back to slowly unzip her dress. 

She kissed him, pouring all her pent up sexuality into her lips.  Their sex life had been affected by Ian’s visit again, but not as badly as the first time, and the past few days Rhys had been so busy preparing the business for neither owner being present for the next week.  They had barely seen each other and Chloe’s desire for Rhys had grown; she was deeply sexually frustrated and she wanted Rhys to feel it too.

And he did feel it.  He never felt sexually frustrated when sex was stopped due to traumatic events.  But when it was stopped for business it drove him to deep distraction and frustration.  His desire for Chloe was already in overdrive because of his deepening feelings for her, but barely seeing her these past few days had felt like it was killing him, in more than one way; emotionally, mentally, physically, and of course sexually. 

Chloe let her legs drop and Rhys carefully guided her to the floor, their lips not parting until her feet were firmly on the ground, and then only so that her mouth could travel down his neck to his chest.  She pushed him back against the Balcony railing, and he held onto it, his head thrown back, understanding what she wanted as her mouth travelled down his body.  His breath inhaled sharply when she bit his nipple and he groaned; there was still something of a masochist in him; he hadn’t been with Tom or Pandora for no reason, and Chloe enjoyed giving him these small spikes of pain amongst all the pleasure.  The sadist in him would gain nothing with Chloe though; she had absolutely no desire to feel pain during sex; she’d already had enough pain when men were doing things to her.  Chloe already knew he’d need an outlet for that, and she supposed he’d have to take another lover, she really didn’t mind.  She had this with him; she had his heart and soul, someone else could feed the darker parts of his sexuality, she’d feed these parts of it and he’d be just fine; she understood his complex sexuality now.  She bit his other nipple harder and earned a deep groan that seemed to rumble from his stomach.  She put her fingers on his stomach and went back to his other nipple sucking it softly, feeling a pulse of pleasure go through his abdomen.  And when she bit his nipple, hard, she felt the muscles -in his stomach contract sharply, the rumble of a groan escaping him again.  She licked his chest and grinned up at him, enjoying the way his head lolled back, how he so deeply enjoyed everything she did to him.  She kissed along his lower abdomen, sending shivers through his body as bit him harder than she ever had.  She let her tongue slip across the very base of his cock, but bit his pubic mound hard.

“Oh missy, you’re killing me,” He groaned and Chloe was grateful that he was being more vocal like this for her.  She supposed that has more or less vocal as his lover’s required, he was adaptable after all.  But she wanted to hear what she was doing to him.  He groaned deeply, as she started to lick the length of his cock, the groan growing louder as her tongue got closer to the head of his cock.  Chloe took the head of his cock into her mouth and he gave a loud throaty groan of appreciation.  She stroked his shaft and sucked on the end of his cock, her eyes never leaving his as he watched her slide her lips over his cock. 

Rhys saw a movement out of the corner of his eyes and shot his eyes to the other balcony, a woman in a dressing gown was standing on the balcony, frozen, obviously having just stepped out for the cigarette she had in her hand, still not lit; the lighter in her other hand. 

“Chloe.”  Rhys said gently, but urgently, and nodded towards the other balcony.  Chloe turned her face, her hand still stroking his shaft, her lips still on the tip of his cock and saw the woman staring at them in surprise.  She was an attractive woman in her late 30s Chloe guessed.  And she didn’t seem upset by what she had seen.  Chloe gave a sinuous grin and, her eyes still on the woman, kept sucking Rhys’s cock.  Rhys turned his eyes from the woman to Chloe, wanting to focus on what she was doing to him; she so loved that she could make him gasp him pleasure, and so did he.  He watched her putting a show on for the other woman, not entirely sure of what she was doing, the angles where not great, and Rhys had to switch off the part of his brain that understood angles for sex shows; he never wanted that job to come into their sex life; sex as a job was entirely different to sex for pleasure.  And Rhys so enjoyed the pleasure they brought each other.  The woman sat down on the outside furniture and lit her cigarette.  Chloe turned her face away from the woman and took a deep breath before taking in just over half of the length of Rhys’s cock.  His groan was throaty, and his hand stroked her hair as his breath came in deep lusty moans.  Chloe was getting quite good at deep throat, and she could take in 6 inches of him now.  She felt Rhys’s body shudder slightly as she sped up, sliding him down her throat, a tear slipping from her eye from the effort it took to do it.  Rhys’s moans got loader, breathier, his eyes burning into her, his lust growing with every passing moment.  Eventually she went to deep for herself and gagged loudly, having to pull off his cock, but her hand kept stroking him as she took a deep breath and steadied her stomach.  She intended to start sucking him again, but Rhys picked her up bodily, and bent her over the railing, gripping her hips firmly to make sure she had grabbed hold of the railing, before he sunk to his knees, lifting up her dress, he grabbed her arse cheeks and licked from her clit to her arse through her underwear.  She groaned loudly, frustrated. 

“Rhys.”  She pleaded when his mouth closed over her clothed cunt.  He made a noise in the back of his throat in response and she pushed her cunt back into his face.  Chloe turned her face to the side and saw the woman on the other balcony, she made eye contact with her as Rhys continued to lick her through her underpants.  The woman bit her bottom lip, clearly filled with desire, and then drew heavily on her cigarette.  Rhys gently pulled aside Chloe’s underwear and licked her labia.  Chloe groaned and strained to get her clitoris near his tongue.  But pulled back and slid his fingers under the hem of her knickers and slid them down her legs smoothly, ignoring them once they got to her knees, returning his hands to her arse, gently rubbing and kneading her cheeks before pulling them apart again.  Chloe held her breath in anticipation, and Rhys paused, waiting, watching the opening to her vagina pulsing with desire. 

Rhys waited until she whimpered with impatience and then he dove in, his tongue licking the full length of her crack several times, sending shivers and tingles through her whole body, before he settled in to licking her clit.  He licked with the tip of his tongue in circles around her clit, interspersing that with harder, flat tongued licks of her whole clitoris.  Chloe’s nails scratched along the concrete barrier to the balcony and she laid her cheek on the cold concrete, her eyes still on the other women, her mind deciding that she would need to have a few threesomes with Rhys.  It didn’t take long for Chloe to cum from oral sex and she could already feel the building electricity in her lower stomach spreading through her body.  She started to shake with orgasm and the woman on the other balcony leaned forward, entranced by what they were doing.  Chloe groaned loudly in time to the rhythmic shudders rocking her body, Rhys slid a finger inside of her and pressed down towards her clitoris, making a ‘come here’ motion, intensifying Chloe’s orgasm and making it peak again as he continued to lick her clit, building speed with both tongue and finger.  Rhys had been exploring different ways to give her multiple orgasm, and as the third orgasm shuddered through her, her voice ragged and breathy he locked what he was doing into his memory.  As her shuddering subsided he withdrew his finger and licked the opening of her vagina, making Chloe moan deeply; she was very sensitive in that area, and he finished up with a nice bit of anilingus before licking her clit again until she started to groan, ready to cum again.  But he was saving that for later and pulled back.  When he stood up he ran his cock along her wet slit several times before stepping back and gently puling Chloe to him.  She turned and they kissed, she loved the taste of her cunt on his lips.  She felt his hands slowly pulling her dress up.  She raised her arms above her head, now completely focussed on Rhys and what they were doing, forgetting the other women, forgetting that they were on the balcony of a world class Parisian hotel.  She wasn’t wearing a bra today and his eyes finally dropped from her face to take in her whole body.  Chloe never felt more naked than when she fell under his gaze; he could see right through to the core of her, could see all of who she was.  And he loved her.  He looked at her with desire even though he truly saw who she was.  And he did it every time they had sex, he looked right through to her soul, and loved her completely, and truly unconditionally.  When he looked at her in this particular way, with his smouldering desire not nearly as contained as it usually was, she always tried to stand there as long as possible to let him take her in, because he so enjoyed that she let him look at her, but she always ended up flinging her arms around his neck and kissing him, happy tears choking the back of her throat.  And this time was no exception, and his kiss was heated, faster, rougher than she was used to, every time she let him look at her like that.  His hands were splayed across her upper back and the back of her head, keeping her close to him as he devoured her with kisses.  Chloe could never breathe properly when this happened.  She loved it.  She gasped when he finally stopped and instantly jumped up, her legs going around his waist, Rhys catching her, as always, with absolute ease.  He slid into her and using his hands on her hips, moved her entire body up and down, sliding himself in her and out smoothly as if she weighed nothing.  Chloe found this strength to be unbelievably erotic; the physical power this man held in his very hands and he used it only to bring her pleasure… it made her wet just thinking about it.  She kissed his lips, trying to devour him as he was beginning to devour her during sex.  She felt his stomach tense up, his breathing stop, as she opened her mouth widely and fucked his mouth with her mouth.  His eyes were closed and the rhythmic thrusting slowed, each time he was in her he pushed hard to make sure he was in as deep as he could, making Chloe gasp as she devoured him with her kiss.  He started to breathe again when Chloe stopped kissing him to look into his eyes.  This was making love, they always made love, even if it turned into fucking part way through, which they both knew this would.  Chloe always found this intense love-making, their eyes locked to be unbelievably intimate.  The whole world ceased to exist, it was only them locked together, him inside of her, her enveloping him.  It was just them, and Chloe forgot everything else, all of her cares, scars, worries.  Gone.  She would always have a small kind of tingling orgasm that spread warmth through her whole body, her eyes never leaving his.

“I love you.”   She whispered as she felt the tingling begin, her whole being overcome with her feelings for him.

“I love you too Chloe.”  He returned as her orgasm began, his eyes filled with his emotion.  They had never told each other they loved each other during this part of their love making before.  It felt natural, like they had always done it, like they always would.  They kissed tenderly, and without a word, Rhys began to speed up his movements and Chloe simultaneously leaned back, finding the balcony barrier and leaning her shoulders across it, her head lolling back to look out across Paris upside down.  Rhys supported her hips, so that she could be in a lying position with only her hips and shoulders supported and started to fuck in earnest; as she had commanded earlier.  By now, Chloe was so wet and excited, the size of Rhys’s cock was of no consequence as he slammed it into her quite hard, waiting from a word from her to go harder or softer.  Her head was rolled back, her face not visible, so Rhys let his eyes take in her body lustfully, the way her breasts moved as he fucked her like a jackhammer was intoxicating.  She was crying out loudly now, breaking a nail on the concrete barrier as she scratched it when her orgasm screamed through her body.  He leaned down to kiss her neck and her arms went to his back, her nails digging in, urging him on.

“Harder.”  She gasped, barely making a sound.  Rhys picked her up and slammed her into the wall of the hotel next to the sliding door that led to the balcony.  His hand instantly came up to the back of her head to stop it from bouncing off the wall, before reaching down to grab her arse.  Chloe noticed these tiny moments of him taking care of her body; even when he was deeply embroiled in his lusty passion for her, he still managed to protect her.  She gasped and laughed with delight when he rammed into her fiercely hard; Rhys getting a little rough was very welcome, she knew he had control of himself and he’d never hurt her.  She could trust him.  So she encouraged him in whatever he was doing sexually. 

“Fast… faster…”  She gasped, and Rhys was grateful to oblige.  She ran her fingers through the short growth of hair he had now and pulled his hair involuntarily as she came again, silently this time. 

Rhys felt himself getting close so he stopped, Chloe’s legs slinking to the floor, exhausted.

“Behind?”  he asked and she nodded, bending over the balcony, her breasts hanging over the edge, her hands holding on loosely, knowing that Rhys would hold on to her firmly.  Knowing she was safe in his hands.  He slid his cock along her crack again and she looked over her shoulder.

“Did you wanna do anal?”  She asked him.

“You done it before?”  He asked and she nodded.  “Did you like it?”  She shrugged.

“Not so much, but he was a shite lover, maybe it’ll be different with you?”  Rhys considered this, glad for the moment of distraction; he had been too close to coming, and this let him simmer down enough to make it last a bit longer. 

“Maybe when we’ve got some lube.”  He replied in a way that told Chloe that he didn’t mind either way; he’d already done it, and received it, it was not some great mystery to him; leaving the decision up to her and her comfort levels.  Ian had told her she didn’t need lube and had made her give him head to get his cock slippery before shoving it in painfully.  She had known Rhys would not be so careless with her body, but it was still so strange every time it happened; every time a male cared about how sex felt for her it still surprised her, even though it was Rhys and she knew to expect no less from him.  She grinned and nodded, turning her head back around to look at Paris at night, what an incredible birthday present.  She knew that Rhys was relatively well off, although he had little savings left since he had bought the boxing joint, but he had a great share portfolio that he had set up to make sure that he would be ok for the rest of his life, while he was working as a street fighter and in porno flicks.  But the boxing joint was making money, and so were the shares, so even though he was relatively frugal, and still had a strict savings scheme, he made sure he put some aside for her birthday like this.  And she knew he would always do this; this was just how he was.  He was thoughtful.  It was such a rare thing in Chloe’s experience that she was overwhelmed and she suddenly turned and kissed him, tears on her cheeks.

“Thanks.”  She whispered feverishly.  He stroked her cheek and smiled happily.

“My pleasure Ms Chloe.”  His eyes on her face as he held her to him was as much a declaration of love as the words he spoke to her.  She grinned happily and turned around in his arms, looking over her shoulder seductively, her eyes telling him to bend her over.  And he did, slowly pushing her down, Chloe leaning back over the balcony.  She looked down, her head swimming slightly from the height and laughed as she saw people walking down below, her breasts hanging over the edge of the balcony for anyone to see is they looked up.  Rhys slid his cock along her crack, stopping to rub the head of his cock on her clitoris until she was groaning again.  He slid into her, in one long motion, going as deep as he could, making her gasp.  He took a firm hold of her hips, the slight worry of her going over the edge of the balcony playing in his mind.  He curved his hips up into her, and slowly slid himself in and out, feeling her rhythmically returning the thrusts.  He dug his fingers in slightly, making sure he had her before he started to build up speed and force until her was fucking her as hard and fast as he had been before.  She gasped in high pitched moans; he felt so deep inside of her and she loved it, easily coming again, with a loud shuddering cry that made a person down at the entrance of the hotel look up.  Chloe saw him looking up at her and simply groaned as Rhys reached around and rubbed her clitoris while he fucked her, his other hand traveling up her side to her chest.  She grabbed his hand and brought it to her breast, squeezing herself through his hand and slightly straightening up so she wasn’t hanging over the edge of the balcony so much.  Chloe closed her eyes, and let go of the balcony and of Rhys’s hand.  His hand went from her breast to the centre of her chest and she felt a gentle step back from the edge; even as he fucked her he kept her safe.  His fingertips caressed the base of her throat and she put her hand over his, the other reaching behind her to touch him as he started to groan.  She heard the focus in his voice as he groaned, he was waiting for her last orgasm, and it was coming along nicely.  She put her hands back on the balcony, using it to bend her back and his hand travelled up her throat slowly as she leaned her head back and he leaned over to kiss her.  The feel of his hand on her throat, loose, gently caressing her skin, finding the sensitive spots, his incredible cock sliding in and out of her, his breath on her neck, his muscled body pressed against her back, his fingers on her clitoris… Chloe came spectacularly and the minute she began to cum, Rhys focused on his own pleasure, allowing the building pleasure to finally reach its climatic peak.  He came, thrusting into her hard enough to lift her feet off the ground, his hands still on her cunt and throat.  It wasn’t the first time he’d done that and she really hoped it wouldn’t be the last time. 

And soon she was done, and he laid his forehead on her shoulder, panting for breath, Chloe became aware of his hand on her still bruised throat.  And she knew that had it been anyone other than Rhys it would have triggered her into a full out panic attack complete with flashbacks.  But she felt how loose his hand was, how the fingertips had found the sensitive places along her jaw, and how his hand now moved down to her chest, still revelling in the feel of her body, even though their sex was over for now.  He did have all this physical power, but he gave it all to her every day.

“Fuck I love you.”  She whispered.  And he nodded his head slowly and scooped her up into his arms, his muscles huge from the work out they’d had during sex.  He took a moment to look at her face and again nodded, the obvious love he felt in his eyes.  He was more open with his feelings with her than he had ever been; but he was still Rhys, he didn’t say it as often as she did.  But he showed it in every single thing he did.  Now that the sex was over Chloe started to fill the chilliness in the air again and thought longingly about the spa bath.

“I think that spa bath needs our attention Rhys.”  Chloe said and kissed him.  As they turned they saw the other woman on her balcony, her mouth open with desire.  They had completely forgotten her after Chloe had silently invited her to watch.  Chloe gave her a nod and she nodded back.  Rhys carried her inside, she quite enjoyed how he often carried her after sex if they hadn’t had it in bed.  He had explained to her that it wasn’t for any other reason than he wanted to stay physically close to her.  Rhys enjoyed cuddling after sex, he enjoyed talking, showering, staying intimate after sex, he enjoyed the afterplay as much as the foreplay and the sex itself.  Chloe never felt like she had lost her worth after the dick had cum with Rhys, because his physical interest in her did not die when his erection did.  And of course he was always mentally and emotionally engaged with her, even when he was exhausted after work.  For all of her life Chloe had felt like she wasn’t worth the kind of kindness and thoughtfulness Rhys paid to her just as a matter of human decency.  But the added attention she received from being his girlfriend was sometimes overwhelming. But she revelled in every minute of it. 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Say Yes’ by Elliott Smith _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SApDxwdaXbA>

 

Chloe ate a cherry thoughtfully, her entire body submersed in warm tingly water, Rhys partially under her, a glass of his beloved sticky white wine in his hand.

“You didn’t mind how I reacted to the woman did you?”  She asked.

“I wouldn’t have continued if I did.”  He replied. 

“She kinda looked like an older version of Aiyana to me.”  Chloe mused.

“Yeah, there was a resemblance.”  Rhys agreed. 

“I enjoyed someone watching us fuck.”  Chloe grinned, “We should do it again.”

“If you want.”  Rhys stroked her hair lovingly, “But I won’t think about angles during sex.  If you want someone to watch, I don’t care if they get a good view, I wanna focus on you.” 

“I like you focussing on me!  And likewise, I prefer to focus on you… but it is kinda sexy to be watched sometimes.”  Chloe agreed to his conditions, “And I get it; you used to think about angles a lot.  You don’t want our sex life to become a sex show.  Me either.  This would be a rare occurrence thing.”  She added her own condition and he nodded.  “But you know there are things other than voyeurism and exhibitionism that can take your focus off me…” Rhys made a noise in the back of his throat, “Like threesomes… I’d have to share your focus.”

“And I yours.”  Rhys noted, “But I’m good at making sure everyone feels like they have enough of my attention.”  He noted.  “So I’ve been told.”  He added with a cheeky grin. 

“So you’ve had threesomes?”  She asked and again he nodded, taking a sip of wine. 

“Many.” 

“What kind?”

“The only kind of threesome I haven’t had was one that had three women involved.”  He said with a slight shrug.

“But I suppose you’ve had a foursome where there were three women involved?”  Chloe half joked.

“Yes.”  He answered and she nodded once, not sure why she was surprised by that; of course he had.  “I’m afraid you’ll be hard pressed to find something sexual I haven’t done before.”  He took another sip of wine, “Except of course for things that are my hard limits.”

“Which are things I wouldn’t wanna do anyway.” 

“Likely.” 

“I wish there was something I could do for the first time with you.”  She sighed. 

“You are the first person that I can’t imagine spending my life without.”  He said the words simply, without artifice, without sentiment.  “Not entirely a sexual thing… but I think it still counts.”  She looked back over her shoulder at him, twisting to take in his face properly. 

“We’re kinda serious aren’t we?”

“I’ve been serious since the first day we dated.”  Rhys answered.

“But I mean…” She struggled to find the words, “I mean we’re in love with each other… we both want, and even expect to be together in a decade.”  Rhys nodded.

“Yes.”  He answered, his hand touching her cheek.

“Well that’s new for me…”  She answered, “And… and serious.”

“Do you need to not be so serious?” 

“No I like it.”  They smiled contently, and stared into each other’s eyes for a moment before Chloe settled down into his arms, Rhys sitting up slightly so she could rest her head on his chest without drowning.  “I still don’t wanna be monogamous though.”  She said in a strong, confident voice, with an edge of apology to it.  But she felt Rhys shrug.

“I don’t think it suits us.”  He answered.

“You said you might want monogamy if you fell in love with me.”  She ran her fingers along his chest and stomach thoughtlessly. 

“And now that we’re here, deeply in love with each other, I agree with you.  Our relationship works this way.  We’re happy.  However, I also want to be the only person in your heart, if you can manage it.” 

“We’re the centre of this.”  She told him.  “Even if I were to love someone else like Rae does; it’d still be you… like Finn for her.”  Rhys smiled happily, understanding what she meant. 

“Perfect.”  He answered. 

“So I think I wanna do a threesome.”  Chloe said and Rhys cocked an eyebrow in thought.  “But not just yet.”

“Alright.”  He answered, awaiting her thoughts.  He’d never mentioned doing a threesome to her, he truly didn’t mind either way. 

“Because I’m just not confident in my body enough to be with another woman.  I’d compare myself to her.”  Rhys opened his mouth to reply, “I know it’s daft.”  Chloe said, “But I just don’t love myself enough yet.”  She looked back at him and saw a sad expression on his face.  “Does it bother you that I haven’t properly figured out how to love myself yet?”

“Yes.”  Rhys answered softly, but before he had chance to explain himself Chloe was speaking.

“Cos of the whole notion that you can’t be loved until you love yourself?”  She asked.

“No Chloe.”  He answered lovingly, “Because you deserve to be loved, especially by yourself.”  She lowered her eyes, hearing these things was always hard, “The idea that you can’t be loved, or are unlovable is rubbish.”  He told her, “Please don’t ever believe that you don’t deserve love from others just because you struggle to love yourself the way you deserve.”

“Do you love yourself Rhys?”

“Most of the time.”  He answered honestly. 

“How did you do it?”

“I try to love myself as much as I want other people to love me.  I try to not talk to myself the way I wouldn’t allow others to talk to me.  I try to give myself what I want from others.  And I also try to treat others as I want to be treated of course.”  Rhys added, “I try to treat everyone with decency and respect, myself included.”

“Well some people don’t deserve respect.”  Chloe said with a cheeky grin.

“Of course.”  Rhys agreed, “I try not to waste my time on them.  I have better things to spend my energy on.  But if I must… I can always give them a thumping.”  They chuckled happily. 

“Me too!”  Chloe laughed. 

“Most definitely,” He agreed.  “You know a threesome can include two men.”  He said, “If you truly want to do it and are concerned that-”

“Most guys get weirded out by that idea.”  Rhys shook his head at Chloe’s words.  “I think I’m too used to guys being virulently homophobic douchebags, so I forget that you won’t be grossed out by it.” 

“More than happy to fuck a man.”  Rhys said with a grin and Chloe nodded.

“Oh I know.  I like that about you!”  She told him, “D’you miss it?”

“A little.”  Chloe had expected something like that to hurt, but it just didn’t. 

“I think I’m ready for you to start having other lovers too.”  Chloe picked up her glass of wine and had a sip, “I’m not worried that you’re gonna leave me for them or compare me to them… I feel quite confident in us.”

“Me too.” 

 

 

***

 

 

Chop brought in a pot of tea and two mugs.  He placed them next to the sugar and milk and the bacon sandwiches he’d made for her.  He laid three videos on the table.  Three Disney movies that he was willing to watch with her; she got to pick which one.

They had argued last night and Izzy had gone off to school today in a grumpy mood.  She had pointed out that the business was taking a lot of his time now and that when he did have spare time he never did anything she wanted to do. And he never let her study when he was at home.  Chop had yelled back angrily, but in the cold hard light of day, so to speak, he had realised that she was right.  He had tried to speak to her this morning but she had been too busy to speak; rushing to get to school.  And this afternoon she was with Rae, Phil and Elsa talking costuming for the one hour play until 8pm.  So after he’d driven Chloe and Rhys to the airport at 3pm he’d come home and cleaned the entire house.  It had been a mess; he’d been skipping his jobs.  And now he was ready with some supper for her. 

When Izzy walked in the door at five past eight she looked exhausted and not sure what to expect from him. 

As soon as she saw the cleanliness of the house she knew he was sorry.  She went into the lounge room to see him sitting on the lounge and fussing over the cushions trying to make it all look inviting and comfortable. 

“Hi baby girl.”  He said with a sad smile.

“Chop.”  She matched his mood.  But he suddenly grinned and held up the three videos.

“Your pick.”  She looked at the movies he’d pulled out of her collection; ‘The Lion King’, ‘Toy Story’, and ‘Aladdin.’ 

“Toy Story doesn’t count.” 

“I thought you might say that.”  He said and pulled one out from under the cushions; ‘the little mermaid.’  “I like this one cos she got red hair like you.” 

“What if I wanna watch ‘the lion king?’”  He usually rolled his eyes when she even said the name.  He knew how much she loved Disney but he had never sat and watched one the movies with her, even though she watched football with him sometimes, and Hong Kong flicks… He’d been thoughtless, he had to admit it. 

“Then that’s the one we’ll watch.”  He patted the lounge beside him and put the video in the player, not yet pressing play.  She watched him pour the tea and reached for a bacon sandwich.  She took a bite and stopped, staring at him in wonder.

“You did the bacon crispy?”  It had been a bone of contention between them.  He liked soft bacon, she liked crispy.  Getting bacon to crisp up without burning it took time and effort, and Chop was always tired nowadays.  So when he cooked, he never crisped the bacon for her anymore.  He nodded, looking sad again and looked down at the crispy bacon sandwiches.

“The business has been taking a lot o’ me energy.”  He said softly, “and I haven’t been giving you enough.”  He looked up at her, “I’m so sorry Iz.” 

“Oh Chop.”  She whispered and put a hand on his face.  “I understand.  It must be hard getting the business working and making a good profit.” She took a deep breath and let it out loudly, “I just been real stressed with school work and fucking chemo… I miss us.”  

“Well I took this week of work.”

“You what?”  She sat close to him excitedly, he had told her that he couldn’t take any time off over the holidays, but he had hired an office assistant recently, and even though they weren’t fully trained yet, Chop hoped that between her and Danny they could keep things ticking over.  The business was important, but he’d been letting something far more important slide. 

“We need some time together Izzy.”  He said, “We’ve had a rough year baby girl.  And now things are starting to look up, and we need to remember to look after each other.”  He touched her face gently, “Actually, it’s me… I need to figure a way to make time, every day for you.  Proper time.”

“I love you Chop.”  She leaned forward and kissed him and he eagerly returned the kiss; it had been well over a week since they’d had sex, Izzy’s period and his work schedule had destroyed their sex life recently.  His hands went to her waist, pulling her closer.  “No…” She giggled, “Too hungry for that right now.  After movie!”  She demanded and Chop pulled back slightly and kissed her lips one last time before handing her the cup of tea and picking up his own sandwich.  She took a sip of tea and munched on her sandwich happier than she had been in weeks.  The prospect of spending the week with Chop uninterrupted was wonderful.  Chop picked up the remote control and pressed play, putting a hand on her thigh happily, enjoying the feeling of having nothing much to do for once. 

 

 

***

 

 

Phil ate the broiled, skinless chicken and steamed vegetables his mother had left in the fridge for him without bothering to heat it up.  He took it upstairs to his room, having no idea where his parents were and not really caring. 

He had a week of school holidays ahead of him with no plans with anyone.  Most of his friends were elsewhere; travelling to places other than Stamford for a week.  Finn had invited him to a party on the last Friday of the holidays.  He took the scrap of paper out of his pocket and looked over the address.  He hadn’t decided if he’d go. 

It had been a very difficult few weeks. 

Every time he saw them touch, saw them kiss… he remembered how she tasted, how she felt.  But Finn was being great, and that friendship with him had been something that had sustained him through this hard time.  He hadn’t expected this outcome. 

And then there were all the close calls with Rae; whenever they were alone, it inevitably led to them staring at each other longingly.  Today Elsa had been late to their meeting and Izzy had had to go to the bathroom and he’d nearly ended up launching himself across the table to fuck her; the look in her eyes…

But he was growing stronger.  He felt it.  Day by day.  Not just emotionally and mentally, but physically as well.  Although the bruises on his ribs he’d gotten from Rhys when he’d come over and told Finn to be harder on him, were a bit painful and he could have done without them.  But Rhys had been right, when Finn got even harder on him still he had risen to the challenge and his physical regime with Finn was already harder than anything his personal trainer had given him.  He had sacked his personal trainer, much to his mother’s dismay, but he had calmly explained that he had found a better trainer. 

He supposed that the one thing he had really learned this month was that friendships were important, but he was always going to be alone. 

No matter what he did in life, what successes he had; he would end up alone. 

Unless Rae and Finn agreed to…

But he tried to not think about that.  He knew it wasn’t going to happen. 

It was strange, but when he first thought about being in a relationship with both of them, Finn had been someone to tolerate to have Rae, now he thought he’d enjoy Finn’s company quite a bit.

His brows furrowed deeply as he suddenly wondered if he would actually go there… if he would actually have sex with Finn or any guy.  He stared at his ceiling for a moment, unsure of the answer.  So he shrugged, ate some food and decided he had to find someone to use him for sex these holidays.  He had been without the wonderful properties of meaningless sex for too long.  He really needed an Andrea, someone who was perfectly fine with the idea of him not loving or caring about her, but attracted to his body, and willing to have a lot of sex.  He backed off the idea of Chloe; the fact that she was Rae’s best friend had always bothered him, but even more so now that he knew Rae had feelings for him.  He worried it might hurt Rae if he was with Chloe; even in a meaningless tryst. 

He knew she had no right to be upset, and he knew she’d know that too… but it was what it was, and he was willing to make compromises to not bring her pain if he could. 

He looked around the room and saw his reflection in the mirror on the back of his door.  He still looked slightly thin, his jaw stronger, his cheek bones more defined; he was yet to put the weight he had lost back on.  He doubted he would, given the limited food his mother was giving him and the workouts Finn had him hitting  He supposed he could buy more food for himself, but he wanted to save, and he was almost getting enough food.  He’d ask his mother for extra chicken.  He looked at his blue eyes staring back at him and sighed.

“Better get used to your own company Phil.”  He told himself, “You’re gonna have a lot of it.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘I Love You’ by The Dandy Warhols _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNx2VC3DDck>

 

_Returning to a place that you have not been to in a long time is a strange thing._

_Walking down familiar streets makes me feel confident, like I rule this shit hole of a world._

_I spent the first day I came back just visiting friends; convinced one of them that he should go after that girl he wants.  He always said he would chase the right girl._

_And she is the right girl for him._

_I told him to chase her down._

_He told her he would._

_I told him: ‘let her know you’re a man of your word.  It’ll make her want you all the more.’_

_Be a man…_

_The second time I came back home I visited her._

_I didn’t let her see me yet; her excitement at seeing her lover would have alerted people to my presence._

_I’m not ready for people to know I’m back._

_Seeing those you love, when you have not seen them for so long feeds the soul._

_But if you can’t touch her yet, and she’s so close… that makes the ache worse._

_I visited a couple of times before she left me a gift in the front garden._

_She must have felt my presence.  She is an aching empty hole waiting to be filled up with me._

_We are soul mates.  I am meant to fill her emptiness._

_She must have felt her soul mate nearby and left that sweet gift for me amongst the plants near the front door._

_It was so well hidden that I know she left it for me; she knows how observant I am._

_She knows how I see everything._

_I left her a gift to let her know I was back the very next time I visited._

_I wanted her to know._

_I needed for my poor girl to have hope in her heart that the love of her life was returning for her._

_I wanted her to know that I hadn’t forgotten about her._

_Spreading myself between two cities is not easy.  But it’s worth it for her._

_And it seems like everyone has forgotten about me, so it’s been far easier to move around than I thought it would be._

_I walked right past a cop on the main street of Stamford and he didn’t even blink at me._

_Still, I feel safer in London for now._

_For now, it’ll just be these little trips home to gaze upon her._

_I need to plan a way to free her from her captors._

_I need to figure out a way to take her home with me._

_So we can be together without interruption._

_I need to have a plan._

_My girl…_

_My girl is depending on me._

_She relies on me._

_I’m the man she looks up to._

_I’ll be the one to save her._

_My girl._

_There is no one else like her in this world._

_And our love is eternal._

_One of a kind._

_Incomparable._

_She is the love of my life._

_And I am the love of her life._

_Rae._

_My beautiful Rae…_

_I am going to love you until the day you die._

_I know how terrible it’s been being apart like this._

_And I know you must be wondering if I really do love you._

_If I care… If I miss you…_

_If what we have really means anything to me._

_I need my girl to know how I feel._

_I could never stop loving you._

_You are the woman I will be with until the day you die._

_This separation has been as hard on me as it has been on you._

_I ache for you.  I long to feel your hands on me again._

_We didn’t get far enough last time and I ache to slide my hard dick into your wet snatch._

_I miss the feel of your silky skin under my fingertips._

_I miss your taste._

_Your smell._

_I’m gonna make you cum for me girl._

_And I’m gonna make you bleed._

_And scream._

_And scream._

_And scream._

_The way you want me to._

_I know it’s hard to be apart my love._

_But I swear to you that I’m coming back._

_I’d never leave you Rae._

_You’re my one true love._

 

 

 

 

_ ‘This Must be the Place’ by The Talking Heads _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMPIxEWGs5g>

 

“It’s been a very demanding week.”  Danny continued as Grace carefully herded the ducks into their roost for the night.  Danny enjoyed coming to Grace’s house.  She had ducks, and she taught him how to cook, and they kissed and watched movies and held hands and hugged.  He enjoyed time with Grace a lot. 

“Well I’m glad you and Chop have the kind of business partnership where you can trust each other.”  She said as she locked the gate and took his hand.

“Well Chop and I are very much on the same page.”  Danny answered with a knowledgeable air, “and he never treats me like I put in less money than he did.”

“Well you’re the accountant Danny.”  Grace answered, “That’s one of the most important jobs for a company.”

“I’m aware.”  Danny nodded slowly, “It’s lucky that I’m brilliant with numbers.”  He nodded and gave her a grin. 

“And computers.”  Grace grinned, “I wanna thank you for that system you put in the clinic, it has been nothing but brilliantly helpful.”  Grace was a vet.  She was the junior vet at her clinic, but she intended to start her own business once she had more experience.  But she was still young, only 24, and had plenty to learn and this was only her first year out of university.  Danny was the first guy she had dated who was younger than her, he had just turned 20.  He was strange in many ways, but there was something about him; he was so genuine, she found herself drawn to his honesty.  There was no guile, no hidden agenda.  It made for a nice change from the usual douchebags she’d dated. 

“Let me know if you need anything else.”  He answered with a happy grin. 

“Wanna make some vegetarian pasta with me?”  She asked as the got back into her house and Danny nodded.  Grace was also a vegetarian, which Danny really liked.  After his mother served duck a few weeks back, Danny discovered that he really didn’t like the idea of eating animals.  “How’s the new administrator going?”  Grace asked as she got some vegetables out of the fridge.

“Becky?”  Danny asked and thought about it momentarily, “She’s really great.  Knows her stuff.  She’s whipped Chop into shape!”  Danny grinned, “He was always so messy with his paperwork.”

“He prefers the mechanical stuff tough right?”  She asked with a shrug and Danny nodded.

“That is his true love.”  Danny thought of the way Chop looked at engines, the way his mind figured them out so easily.  Danny didn’t like cars so much; the dirtiness of them had never appealed to him.  She handed him a knife and they both started chopping.

“So it’s been, what six weeks, since I wrote my number on the back of your hand at the pub?”  She saw him nod from the corner of her eye, “You’re very charming with that… odd confidence of yours.”  She grinned and Danny looked over at her, they shared a smile.  “I feel like…”  Grace paused not sure how to address the issue she was having, “I like you quite a bit Danny.”  She put down the knife and turned to him, “I like you a lot.” 

“Well that’s good, I like you a lot too.”  She bit her bottom lip and considered how to proceed. 

“I like how slow we’ve been going.”  She acknowledged, “It makes me feel very close to you.”  She cleared her throat and furrowed her brow in thought, “But I think… maybe… it’s time.”  She paused and took a deep breath, “I wanna have sex with you.”  She let the words tumble out of her mouth unedited and waited to see what would come of being so forward.  Danny gave a pained expression and looked down.

“Well…” He said softly, “I guess we can try.” 

“No I don’t wanna try, I want you to want it too.”  She touched his cheek and he looked up at her, a deeply troubled look on his face.

“I don’t know if I do.”  He admitted.

“Don’t you find me attractive?”  She fought to understand.

“No, I do.  And I like you a lot.  And I love kissing you and holding you… I like romance and dating… I just… I don’t have that urge.  I don’t know why.”  He looked up at her face, “I’m sorry.  I think I might be broken.” 

“Well have you felt that way for men?”  Grace tried to figure it out.

“No.”  He answered, “I definitely prefer the company of the fairer sex in that regard.”  Danny added. 

“Right.”  Grace said softly her mind ticking it all over.

“I suppose…” Danny said sadly, “You have to decide if you still wanna spend your time with me.”

“Of course I do.”  Grace answered instantly, surprising herself.  She was a very sexual woman, and this was going to take some getting used to.  “And I don’t think you’re broken… maybe your libido is just really low.  Or… you need to love someone before you feel that way… or… or maybe you just don’t wanna have sex.”  She took his hand, “We’ll figure it out, yeah?”  Danny cocked his head to the side in thought.

“But you do want sex.”

“Yes I do.”  She admitted.  “But… I really like you.”  She shrugged, “You’re nice and loving and… I like the way your brain works.” 

“I like the way your brain works too.”  He looked down at their hands touching, “Maybe in time I will want sex too.”

“Maybe.”  She answered.  “But I’m not gonna base any decisions I make on maybes.”  She answered. 

“So you’ll still date me even though I don’t…?”  She nodded.

“And you’ll still date me even thought I do?” 

“Of course.”  Danny replied, “Although this is going to take some working out.”  

“Well as long as we’re both willing to work through it, I think… I think we’ll be ok.”  Grace decided with a nod of her head. 

“So does that…?”  Danny considered her words, “Does that make it official?”  He cocked his head to the side, “Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“I think so.”  She picked the knife back up and turned to chop vegetables, but Danny leaned in and kissed her lips softly. 

“I like kissing.”  He told her, “A lot.” 

“Well… we’ve got something in common there.”  She kissed him slowly, and when she stopped he smiled almost goofily and chuckled. 

“We can do that a lot.”  He picked up his knife and turned to the vegetables, “Course you’ll have to meet my family.”  He told her, “And my friends.”  He bit his bottom lip and turned to her, “And I suppose I should tell you that I were locked up in mental ward for a while.”  He suddenly worried what she would think.

“The world often locks up people they don’t understand.”  Grace replied.

“I weren’t coping with the world.”  Danny said softly, “It were so loud.”  He lowered his eyes, “I hope you don’t think-” But Grace put her knife down and took his face into her hands.

“My favourite painter is Vincent Van Gogh.”  She told him, “He was quite brilliant.  But he was different to everyone else, like you are.  And the world was so cruel to him that he cut off his own ear… and killed himself.”  She stroked his cheeks, “That says so much about this world, don’t you think?  That it would punish someone for thinking differently so severely that they would kill themselves?” 

“Yeah.”  Danny said softly, captivated by her impassioned words.

“I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you Danny.”  She said firmly, “You’re just different.  And different is ok.  It’s more than ok.  It’s bloody brilliant.”  She smiled when she saw him grin, “Alright?”

“Alright.”  Danny’s goofy grin was back and he blushed happily as he turned to his vegetables again. 

“And you’ll have to meet all of my friends and family too.”  She told him with an air of finality, “Can’t have my boyfriend not knowing my shitty brothers.”

“Shitty how?”

“Shitty in that there’s three of them and one of me, and they never let me forget it!”  She laughed.  “But they’re good really.  What are your family like.”

“Odd.”  Danny answered, “My parents are very protective of me.  My mother in particular.  And dad is quite like me.  Me sister is embarrassed by us all, cos she’s as normal as they come.”  Danny said, “She’s probably gonna be a supermodel.  That’s what she wants.” 

“Wow.”  Grace pulled a face, “I never thought I’d know a supermodel.” 

“It’s not that different from knowing anyone else.”  Danny assured her.  “So what have we got planned for tonight?”

“Well, dinner and a movie of course.”  Grace answered, “Accompanied by snuggles and intense making out on the lounge?” 

“Sounds good.”  Danny answered in his usual infectiously happy tone.

“Do you wanna stay the night?  We can hug all night?”  Danny considered this and slowly nodded his head.

“Alright.”  He answered, “I’ll have to call me mum.” 

“D’you think she’ll be alright with it?”  Grace was already aware of Danny’s mother; he talked about her a lot more than any other family member; she hadn’t known he had a sister until today. 

“No.”  Danny said with a shrug.  “But I wanna stay, so I’m gonna.” 

“Well you don’t have to cause a fight over it, if she needs time to adapt to the idea.”  She put some chopped carrot in the bowl and started on some tomatoes. 

“She were against me buying into the business.  She were against me working there full time.”  Danny said, “Those were two of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”  He reassured them both, “I need to trust myself more.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘My Brown Eyed Girl’ by Van Morrison _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqXSBe-qMGo>

 

After hearing about the perfect date Phil had prepared for Rae, Finn had felt that he needed to make more of an effort to take Rae on dates and be more romantic.  It’s not that he didn’t want to do those sorts of things, it’s just that they always just ended up chilling in bed together.  Which he loved and had no intention of ever stopping.  But he wanted to add some romantic dates into the mix.

Bowling had been a fun date, and he wanted to keep having fun dates… but he had his eyes set on romancing his girl occasionally. 

The problem was, he really had no idea how to do a romantic date. 

He had meticulously planned the whole date; flowers, a horse and carriage to the cool new indy cinema that just opened to watch whatever movie she chose, a walk through town to a swank restaurant, a violinist to play ‘wonderwall’ to them at their table, then another stroll to Chop’s house, only five minutes away for a pretty big party; both the school gang and the regular gang were invited.  The party started at 9pm, and it was the last Friday of the short school holidays.  They had literally done nothing but hang out together for the whole week; mostly naked. 

It had been perfect. 

As always they had alternated between houses, today they were at Rae’s place. 

He had been hinting all day that he had something planned for her, and he had popped out to the florist to pick up his order while she was getting ready.  Now he waited in the kitchen, watching Aiesha crawling around and self-consciously brushing lint off his dressy denim jacket; the same one he’d worn to Linda and Karim’s wedding.  Linda bustled around, cleaning the kitchen, and Karim was at work. 

“You look nice love.”  Linda barely looked at him, her eyes were more on Aiesha and her housework. 

“Thanks Linda.” 

“Got plans then?”  Linda asked and Finn couldn’t help but give a satisfied half grin.

“We do.”  Finn’s eyes followed Aiesha, and Linda looked up at him as he sat at the table. 

“Nice flowers.”  She looked at the massive bouquet of flowers all in blue and purple colours, except for a few large, white and pink Oriental lilies, their beautiful scent filling the kitchen.  “Didn’t think you were a flower giving lad?”  She hustled into the laundry and came back with a scrubbing brush. 

“Usually not, but-”

“Got a special occasion?”  She asked absent-mindedly.

“Not really.  Just felt like being romantic with me girl.”  Linda stopped and scrutinised him for a moment. 

“I’m really starting to like you far too much Finn.”  She told him, “You better not break her heart.”  He went back to scrubbing the side, “I’ll still flay you alive even though I like you a fair bit.”  Finn’s eyes opened wide in surprised.

“Understood.” 

“Good.”  Linda answered just as Aiesha tried to stand and fell down, bumping her head against the cupboard.  She was silent for a moment, blinking and stupefied.  Linda and Finn looking at her with open mouths, surprised at how hard the fall had been.  And then she started to scream. 

“Oh shit.”  Linda muttered; her hands were covered in cleaning chemicals.

“I got her.  Finn said and picked her up, gently soothing her, Linda coming over to inspect the bump.  Rae came down the stairs, wearing a yellow dress that was loosely fitted to her figure and black flat shoes; she still hadn’t gotten into wearing heels, and she thought she probably never would.  Finn, bouncing Aiesha looked over at her and paused, in awe of how stunning she was. 

“I like that dress.”  He said to her.  “You’re so beautiful.”

“You’re pretty stunning too.”  She grinned and kissed Aiesha’s head.  “What’s she crying at this time?”

“Bumped her head.”  Linda said and turned to Rae.  “Alright, you were right, that was a good choice.”  Linda nodded to the dress. 

And Aiesha threw up. 

“Oh!”  Finn said as the vomit went all over his jacket.  “Shit.”  He chuckled.  “No jacket it is.”  Linda had cleaned her hands and she came over and took Aiesha from him and started gently soothing her.  He took off his jacket.

“She’s vomiting a little lately.”  Linda said as an apology to Finn as he bundled the jacket up and threw it in the washing basket, “I think her ear’s giving her trouble again.”  Linda told him as he came back into the kitchen.  She rubbed Aiesha’s head gently and gave Finn a look before taking her into the lounge room.  Finn waited for the door to close before nodding to the table. 

Rae had already spotted the flowers, and she could smell them long before she got anywhere near them. 

“They’re so beautiful.”  She put her nose closer to the bouquet; the smell was intoxicatingly perfect.  Finn had had a very simple message written up in calligraphy for her: ‘I will always love you Rae -Finn.’  Rae looked at the folded card, a picture of a music stave on the front with the words ‘you are the music of my life’ written under it.  She opened it to see the beautiful calligraphy in green ink; green was her favourite colour.  Her face fell slightly and then she shook her head and chuckled.

“It’s wonderful.”  She told him, but he had seen the expression she’d given the card moments earlier. 

“What?”  Finn asked but she just handed him the card.  “Oh fuck.”  He groaned in disappointment.  They had spelled her name ‘R A Y’. 

“It’s still beautiful.”  She grinned.  “And the message has still been received… unless you got a boyfriend you’re not telling me about.”  She joked.

“Well I have been meaning to tell you about that…” He joked and gave a wry grin.

“Alright, I’m gonna put these in a vase in me room.”  She kissed him and grabbed a vase before heading upstairs. 

Rae arranged the flowers and put the vase on the desk, the card she stuck on the edge of her mirror with the photos of the gang and her and Finn together.  She looked in the mirror, at the way the yellow dress sat over her figure, the square neckline giving her a particularly decent amount of cleavage.  She had left her hair in lose curls down her back, with simple makeup. 

She paused.

Hesitated.

Rae took a deep breath and pulled out her red lipstick.  She looked at herself in the mirror for a moment, feeling the thrill of daring. 

She put it on, the red popping against her pale skin and dark hair.  She spun away from her mirror confidently, not looking back and jutting her chin walked from her room. 

Finn had seen her wear red lipstick before, but never in public. 

“Stunning.”  He whispered and she smiled in response.

“So where are we go-”

“There’s a bloody horse outside!”  Linda called through to them and Finn winked at Rae before taking her hand, feeling a little too proud of her excited and confused face.

“Horse drawn cart?”  She exclaimed as she threw open the door.  Linda, still carrying Aiesha went out with them to look at the spectacle

“Bloody hell Finn.”  She shook her head, “Looks like you’re in for it tonight pet.”  Linda told Rae before giving her a kiss on the cheek, “have a good time.”  She went back inside.

Finn looked up at the clouds gathering in the sky and narrowed his eyes.  If he had any kind of luck at all those clouds wouldn’t produce any rain; at least not until they got to Chop and Izzy’s place. 

The lady driving the carriage was stunningly beautiful; slender, perfect makeup, model good looks.  Rae looked at her in her tight black pants and buttoned up shirt, her long blonde hair tumbling down her back in perfect curls and wondered how she got her hair to curl like that. 

“I’m Sandra.”  She said softly, her eyes on Finn, not even looking at Rae.  Rae shook her head, grinning to herself she got into the carriage, Finn following her.  Rae took Finn’s hand.

“I’m getting a suspicion that you’re trying to romance me.”  Rae said with a crooked grin.

“And how am I going at that?”  Finn put his fingertips to her cheek and they leaned in closer to talk privately. 

“Well-” Rae began seductively.

“So what have you got planned for the night?”  Sandra asked.  Rae and Finn turned their heads to look at her as she jiggled the reigns to the horse and he started to slowly walk forward. 

“Just having a bit of a surprise.”  Finn answered, not wanting to tell Rae everything that was coming.  It’s not like he was whisking her off to Paris like Rhys, or even off to Sutherland like he did last year… just dinner and a movie.  But it was their dinner and a movie; he was going to make it romantic and wonderful for them.  For her. 

“Oh aye?”  She asked and looked over her shoulder at him with a cheeky grin, “I bet you’re good at giving a girl a nice big surprise.”  She looked Finn up and down with a lusty eye momentarily and turned back to the horse.  Rae and Finn stared at the back of her head in surprised silence.  They gave each other a stunned smirk, trying not to laugh, the expression they shared saying ‘did she just blatantly reference your/my cock?’

“Aye he is.”  Rae answered, Finn widening his eyes at her as she tried to laugh silently.  “So I’ve heard.” She added, trying to sound forlorn.  Finn’s tongue went to his back teeth, and he shook his head at her. 

“Oh don’t worry pet.”  She glanced at Rae, “I’m sure you’ll get a nice big surprise one day.”  She turned back to look at Finn and gave him a wink.  Finn nearly scoffed, the only reason he didn’t say something outright is because Rae seemed far too amused by the whole thing.  He was pleased it wasn’t hurting her self-esteem.  He liked that she felt so sure of herself and him that she didn’t worry about this woman being so off base and making such fat-phobic assumptions: that the fat girl didn’t have the fit lad, even though they clearly where having a romantic horse drawn carriage ride together.  Rae settled back into Finn’s arms.  While Finn was glad Rae was handling everything so well, he was getting tense; the clouds were looking very menacing. 

“I’ll be finishing up work at 9.”  She turned to Finn, “What are you doing at 9?”

“Going to a party.”  Finn answered coldly, tightening his arm around Rae as the driver turned back and flicked the reigns showily.  Rae gave Finn a small wink.

“I wonder what I’ll be doing at 9…” She lamented with a devilish grin. 

“Oh, what kind of a party?”  The driver asked, completely ignoring Rae. 

“A mate’s party.”  Finn watched Rae’s face as she chuckled.

“Need company?”  The driver asked.

“I’ve got company.”  Finn answered forcefully, a slightly grumpy expression coming over his face.  Rae kissed his cheek and just kept on grinning for the entirety of the carriage ride. 

By the time they got to the independent cinema Finn was fighting back a murderous mood and Rae was chucking, her red lips flashing alluringly.  Finn narrowed his eyes at her.

“I want to violently fuck you.”  He whispered in her ear; his cranky mood and her attractiveness combining to produce this urge. 

“Should we head home then?  I’m sure the carriage driver would-”

“No!”  Finn laughed, putting his hand on her lower back and leading her into the cinema.  They strolled slowly, laughing and chatting freely, Finn’s bad mood easing but his horniness staying as he found himself continuously checking her out.  He also found other guys checking her out, along with the usual stares he himself got.  She seemed wonderfully unaffected; confident, easy-going, focussed on their conversation and seemingly unaware of the attention she was garnering. 

They stared at the movie times board in silence for a long time. 

“I’ve never heard of any of these movies.”  Rae whispered to Finn with a giggly voice. It was quite obvious why she didn’t know any of them; none of the titles were in English. 

“The fuck…?”  He knew an indy cinema would have lesser known movies in them, but he and Rae were pretty up to speed with this stuff so he figured they’d be alright.  But he had definitely not expected this. 

“Alright, well let’s see the third one down.”  Rae turned to him with a grin. 

“Rae…” He started in an apologetic voice.

“It’ll have subtitles Finn!”  She told him, “Don’t worry.”  She put her hands on his face and gave him a quick kiss, “It’s good to watch things you wouldn’t normally go and see.”  Her grin was infectious.

“Alright.”  He conceded slowly, “I’ll get us some popcorn, you get the tickets?” 

“Alright.”  She kissed him again and snaked her way through the crowds, Finn watching her, sighing deeply at the way her body moved in that dress. 

They walked towards the cinema, Rae’s gently teasing good mood keeping Finn’s spirits high even though everything seemed to be going wrong. 

It seemed like most of the crowd was here to see one of the other two movies playing at this time, because their cinema was nearly empty.  They sat away from the other people and talked quietly while they waited for the movie to start. 

The first shot of the film showed a darkened forest, a brooding man walking along smoking; the colours stark and bleak.  And then voiceover began.  They both stared at the screen, waiting for the subtitles to begin too.

They didn’t.

There were no subtitles.  Finn rolled his eyes, frustrated.  But Rae had to hold back a laugh.

“What language do you reckon that is?”  Finn didn’t reply, she looked at his upset face and took his hand, “German?”  She asked with a grin.

“Maybe.”  He replied glumly.

“Austrian?  Polish?” 

“What does it matter?”

“I’m trying to get a feel for the movie, Finn.”  Rae told him with mock seriousness.  “Is it German film noir?  Or Polish melodrama?”

“Is there a big German film noir industry d’you think?”  He asked, again taken by her good mood.

“I have no idea!”  She chuckled.  “But let’s go with German film noir… I don’t even really know what that is.”  She confessed whispering loudly.  “I could tell the trees were mocking me… wishing they knew the secrets of my pain… the secrets only a man of my history could know… no one could ever understand…” Rae said in a deep voice, pretending to be the narrator.  Finn started to chuckle as she continued, creating a story as she went.

He marvelled at how talented she was, how effortlessly she created a story.  They went through the movie like this, Rae whispering the new story she was making up to him, and when dialogue was spoken they both filled it in; Finn playing the woman, Rae always playing the male narrator. 

By the time the movie was over, Finn was completely over his upset at how badly everything was going; they were having a blast.  They didn’t need a fancy date to have a great time.  Even so, he wanted to be able to take her on fancy, special dates, he needed to be able to get this right for her.  She was so worth the effort and time that went into planning dates. 

They strolled slowly through the town centre towards the Italian restaurant Finn had picked out for the night.  Rae had been craving lasagne lately and this place had a reputation for being romantic. 

They sat down in their booth, side by side, Finn’s arm going around her shoulders, Rae taking in the restaurant.  The couple in the next booth was also sitting side by side rather than opposite each other, and as she scanned the room they started to make out.  Very passionately. 

Finn noticed and looked over at Rae.

“I think he’s trying to get his dinner from her stomach.”  Rae whispered to him as the kissing session went from intense to pornographic. 

They ordered, they drank wine, they were merry.  When the food came to the table Finn had given silent thanks; the food was actually good, they moved apart slightly to eat so that they could look at each other easier while talking.  Rae noticed Finn glancing at his watch occasionally and figured that he had something else planned. 

They had decided to share desert and sat close again, each with a spoon, enjoying the homemade gelato, when a violinist came to play for the couple at the next table.  Rae looked over, surprised that she recognised the tune; ‘wonderwall’

“Are you fucking serious?”  Finn muttered angrily and she looked over at him, instantly realising that the violinist had been for them, for her.  Finn leaned forward to call to the violinist when Rae stopped him.

“Leave him.”  Rae said and Finn turned back to her, confused.  “This way, we get to hear the music without the awkwardness of a guy standing over us while we eat.”  She grinned and Finn grinned back gratefully. 

“I love you.”  He stroked her hair gently, “You always see the good in everything.”  He marvelled.

“I never used to.”  Rae admitted.  “But I been working real hard on that.  And it’s not so hard as you think it is to see all the good in tonight.”  She told him.

“But everything’s gone wrong.”  Finn lamented.

“No it hasn’t.”  She told him, her hands going to his face, she looked him in the eye, “It hasn’t all gone wrong.”  Finn felt instantly calm; his agitation and frustration gone in an instant.  She picked up her spoon and had a mouthful of gelato, “I’ve had a fucking amazing time.” 

 

 

They walked to Chop and Izzy’s place hand in hand.  And other than the incident where Finn stepped in dog shit, yelled at his shoes, the shit, the city council, and life itself before throwing his shoes away and then resolutely taking Rae’s hand afterwards while she held in her laughter… it was entirely uneventful.

Except for when it rained.

 

 

“Don’t ask.”  Finn told Chop when he opened the door to them.  Finn was barefoot and shivering from having no jacket.  Rae stood beside him, her hair bedraggled, her dress wet and clinging to her. 

“We had an amazing date night.”  She told him. 

As Finn and Rae said hello to everyone Chloe sat down next to Phil, whose eyes hadn’t left Rae since she’d entered the room. 

“Rae looks beautiful tonight.”  Chloe said pointedly and Phillip nodded without looking at her.

“Rae always looks beautiful.”

“True.”  Chloe greed, “But-”

“Yes that yellow dress does accentuate…”  The curves she had under that dress, curves that he knew only too well.  “Her beauty.”  He finished softly.  Chloe looked at Phil momentarily; the hunger in his eyes was deeper than ever.  It was the hunger of a man who actually knew what he was missing out on now. 

“Rae told Iz and me what happened.”  She wanted him to know that he could confide in someone if he needed to; he didn’t need to hold it all in.  His eyes closed for a minute and he looked down in thought before looking back up at Rae who was laughing with Izzy, Finn and Chop. 

“All of it?”  He asked tentatively.

“I think so.”  Chloe couldn’t be sure, but she felt that it was all of it. 

“Finn?”  Phil wanted to know if she had told Finn.

“No.”  Chloe answered.  Phillip nodded slowly. 

“Finn thinks he’s not ready to hear it,”  He said softly, “that he’ll get jealous again, he worries that that part of him isn’t completely gone.”  Phillip looked at her, “But it is gone.  Even if he knew everything that happened, he’d be fine.  He’s stopped putting his ego above his own happiness.”  Chloe gave him a confused look, “You know that your own ego can kill your happiness, right?  Like if you’re jealous all the time.  Or if you’re like me; gotta be perfect at everything.”  He looked back at Rae, “He puts her happiness above his ego too.  He’s quite remarkable.”  Phillip sighed, “Bathroom break.”  He said as he saw Rae happily kiss Finn.  He had noticed most people heading through the main bedroom to use the ensuite, but he headed through the laundry to use the powder room toilet instead.  He closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. 

 

 

“You’re soaked!”  Izzy said when she touched Rae’s dress to admire the material.  “This material is clothes dryer safe, go put it in the dryer for 10 minutes.”

“Izzy I can’t walk around without me dress on, can I?”  

“Just stay in the laundry till it’s done.”  Rae shrugged and turned to Finn.

“D’you want your shirt done?”

“If you don’t mind.”  He handed her his beer and took his shirt off.  His jeans were mostly dry, and he had no qualms with walking around topless for a bit.  “D’you want me to come with?” 

“Nah, it’s alright.  You stay here and be in a good mood.”  She kissed him again and headed to the laundry. 

She went into the laundry, closing the door behind her, she stripped her dress off, felt her bra and decided it was dry enough to not take off and threw her dress and Finn’s shirt in the dryer, putting it on for just a few minutes. 

 

 

Phil’s was awoken from his silent reverie by the sound of the dryer door closing.  He sighed and opened, the door, expecting to see Izzy or Chop putting a quick load on.  When he saw Rae in her underwear he looked away.

“Oh god, sorry.”  He closed his eyes, facing the wall and silently took another deep breath.

“It’s alright.”  Rae had been surprised to see the door open, but when it was Phil, all her worries left her, “It’s not like you haven’t seen it before.”  She shrugged.  Phil turned his eyes back to her face. 

“Quite true.”  He whispered and reached back into the powder room grabbing the hand towel.  “For your hair.”

“Thanks.”  She dried her hair, “Spent ages curling me hair.”  She chuckled.  “Now I look like a drowned poodle.

“No, you look stunning.”  Phil replied, “As always… but bright colours do seem to…” He shook his head and looked away, “I should probably go.”

“How are you?”  She asked before he had time to move, “Really?”  He looked into her eyes for a few moments before clearing his throat.

“How are you when you manage to forget all the pain and longing between us?”  She considered this for a moment.

“I suppose I’m great.  Happy… confident.”

“That’s how I am.”  His voice was soft but steady.

“Phil.”  She said, matching his softness, “But how often do you not think about… us… me?”

“Ah well that’s private Rae.”  Phil bit his bottom lip for a moment.

“I’m sorry.”  She lowered her eyes and turned back to the dryer. 

“No Rae, I’m sorry.”  He touched her arm, wanting her to turn back to him, and she did.  “I just don’t want you to worry about me.”  He said.  “Cos if I’m honest…”  He couldn’t tell her that she rarely left his thoughts.  There was a moment of silence, both of them understanding what he couldn’t say.  “I’m fine.”  He smiled beautifully, his face a picture of masked emotions, but his eyes betraying him; they still showed his longing for her. 

“I wish you were.”  Rae answered.  He nodded.

“How are you?”  He deflected her concerns. 

“The same.”  She answered and he nodded his head.

“Nothing and everything has changed.”  He smiled grimly, “now that’s some fucked up poor boy poetry right there.”  They chuckled, but their eyes were locked together again. 

“How were your holidays?”  Rae asked.

“Alright.  Got myself a few lovers, so that’s good.”  Rae felt an odd twist in her stomach and made herself nod.

“As long as you’re taking care of yourself.”  She said sadly and he nodded. 

“I am.”  His eyes never left hers, “I know how wrong it is to not take no for an answer… so I’m trying Rae.”  His eyes dropped to her lips at the same moment hers dropped to his.  “I still… and I always will…” He didn’t want to say the words, “But I’m moving on with my life… for you… and for me.”  Rae nodded bracingly and gave him a supportive smile that felt dead on her lips. 

“Are they… nice?  Your lovers are they nice?”

“Depends on what you mean by nice….”  Phillip answered, “But I don’t want them to be the kind of nice you’re probably thinking of… I don’t want nice girls that’ll get broken hearted by my emotional unavailability.  I want selfish women, who take what they want, and use me for sex.  They’re nice in their own way.” 

“That sounds… kinda harsh…” Rae scrunched her eyebrows in concern but Phil shrugged.  The dryer stopped, but she ignored it for a moment. 

“I suppose it is.”  He answered nonchalantly, “But it’s better than making you uncomfortable… mooning after you all the time…”

“I don’t mind.”  Rae whispered sadly, “It don’t make me uncomfortable.”  Phil felt the ache he’d been working so hard to bring down to a manageable level burst into life; flaring like a firework through his whole body.  Whenever he ached like this his hands seemed to move before his mind stopped them, and he seemed to find himself touching her face, like he was now.  He didn’t like how he seemed to forget to control himself when he ached for her like this. 

“Rae…” He barely breathed the word, the heat between them was killing him.  “I can’t keep doing this.”

“I know…”  She lowered her eyes, “I’m sorry.”  She furrowed her brows, “I keep doing this to you and it’s not fair.”  She raised her eyes to him, “I just can’t stand the thought of you not loving me and it’s so fucking selfish…”  She shook her head, clearly disgusted with herself, “And I know you should… I know you should move on… and stop loving me.  I know it’s what’s best for you.  And I so badly want you to be happy… but…”  His other hand came to her face.

“Rae I’m never gonna stop loving you.  I meant it when I said that.”  He stroked her hair and resigned himself to the growing chasm in his chest, “I’ve actually loved quite a bit in my life.  I like to let love in, cos I think of love as a blessing…”

“Not this love but.”

“Yes this love.”  Phil answered instantly, “Especially this love.”  His thumb caressed her cheek, “I’ve felt love wax and wane and understood that love sometimes does that.  But not this love.  It’s constant.  It will never leave me.  I know that.  It’s a part of me now.  And you telling me that it would be better to stop loving you is kinda like telling me that it’d be better to cut my leg off and bleed out than deal with a painful gash on my thigh that’ll never heal.”

“Love shouldn’t be a painful gash that’ll never heal.”  Rae answered in a sad tone.

“It wouldn’t be if-” He stopped himself, but they both knew what had been coming in that sentence.  He looked away and made himself drop his hands from her face.  “So these lovers I’ve taken, are wonderful women, who are stopping infection from getting in the wound.”  He continued with the metaphor and Rae nodded her head in a small movement, unable to understand how much this hurt when just a few moments earlier she had been so happy with Finn.  She had been so right to choose Finn.  But it felt so wrong to not choose Phil. 

“I want you to find happiness.”  Rae said firmly and he nodded.

“I will find some sort of happiness Rae, don’t worry.”  He opened the dryer and took her dress out.  “And are you happy?”

“I am when I’m with Finn.”  She said, “But…” She shook her head, “You don’t need to hear this stuff.  It doesn’t help you.”

“I thought you said communication was important?  And when Finn came to see me, he told me that communication was very important too, and I agree with both of you.  So you just say what you gotta say.”

“Alright.”  She looked down and took a deep breath, “I’m miserable when I think about you.”  She couldn’t look at him, “it’s like I have two personalities.  One of them is so happy with Finn… and the other one is so miserable without you.”  She swallowed and looked up at him, “But I’ve made my choice, so…” She shrugged.

“I’m gonna say something, but I don’t want you to think it’s just about me wanting to be with you, alright?”  She nodded, “Alright.”  He paused, thinking through what he was going to say, “It’s alright for you to change your mind Rae.  With any decision you make.”  He gave her a small reassuring smile, “You know, maybe you’ve got more information now, or things have changed, or you feel differently, or the decision you made didn’t go to plan… whatever the reason, it doesn’t make you a bad or weak person to change your mind, sometimes it’s much stronger to change-”

“Cos you have to admit that the first decision you made was wrong.” Rae said.

“It might not have been wrong.  You might just decide that you prefer another option… that might be more right than the other decision.  Like you might have decided to have a banana, which is a great choice, cos bananas are fucking delicious, right?”  She nodded, “But then you remember that there’s banana splits and that a banana split might be much nicer.” 

“Well you can’t go past something that’s got ice cream.”  Rae gave a small smile.

“Exactly.”  Phil chuckled.  “Neither choice was wrong… one’s just a little better.”

“A lot better Phil!”  Rae corrected with another small chuckle.

“Alright!”  He agreed with a smile, “The point is; just cos you’ve made up your mind, it doesn’t mean you can’t change it if that’s the right thing to do for yourself.”  He put his hand on her cheek again, “Especially with me.”  He stroked her cheek, “You say the word Rae and I will come running.”

“What if you’re in another country?”

“I’ll be running so fast, my feet’ll barely touch the surface of the ocean between us.”  They stared at each other silently, both slightly leaning in, their lips parting.  “You better put some clothes on.”  He handed her the dress and she looked down at it momentarily before looking back at him.  “There’s a party going on out there.”  He grinned but her eyes stayed transfixed on his. 

“What if we’re a hundred years old?”

“I’ll still come running.” 

“What if you’re married?”

“I’ll never get married Rae… unless…”  His eyes lingered on her face for a moment before he looked back at the dryer and took Finn’s shirt out.  “But we both know that won’t happen.”  He shrugged.

“What if-”

“Rae, the answer’s always gonna be I’ll come running.”  Rae looked down at her dress again and put it on thoughtfully.  “You want me to get the zip?”  He asked.

“I can do it.”  She answered and then looked at him, “But it’d be easier if you…”

“Alright.”  She turned around and he had to stop himself from putting his hands on her body.  He zipped the dress up, gently moving her hair aside as he got higher.  “You chose very well with this dress.”  He told her as she turned back to him.  “And the lipstick…”  He bit his bottom lip and looked at her still red lips; she’d done a touch up at the restaurant because she decided that if she was going to bother wearing makeup she was going to look good the whole night in it. 

“I can’t believe you did it again.”  Rae said softly.  “You just dressed me when you could have kissed me.” 

“Like you said,” He barely made a noise as he pulled her into a warm hug, “You made a choice Rae.  And it’s the right choice for you.  It might not always be the right choice, but it is now.  So we’re mates.”  He let go of her, “And mates don’t kiss the way I wanna kiss you.”  They shared one last look before he opened the door and headed back out, Rae waited for a moment to get herself together before she too left the laundry.  She went over to Finn, who was talking to Rhys and Chloe, and handed him his shirt. 

“Much better.’  He grinned at her, a beer having lightened his mood after throwing out a good pair of shoes, “Thanks.”  He kissed her and she wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Thanks for tonight.”  She felt the sorrow over Phil leaving her as the warmth and love of Finn filled her again. 

“I’ll do a better job next time.”  He kissed her temple.  

“What are you talking about?  It were perfect.” 

“How’d it go?”  Chloe asked and Finn and Rae gave each other a look.

Chop watched them laughing and joking, his mind ticking over what he’d just seen; Rae and Phil leaving the laundry room together.  He scrunched up his face and knew he should probably keep out of it; Finn seemed fine… but it just stank to him.  His mind was quickly taken off the topic by Woody shambling over to him to have a chat. 

Phil went and sat with James and Bethany, who was studiously ignoring Macca, who was trying to figure out how to get her attention while pretending to hear the conversation he was supposed to be in with Bryn and Izzy.  After a few moments Phil started to notice how much James looked over at Rae and Finn. 

“Oh fuck.”  He muttered silently to himself, “She’s got another one.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Walking After You’ by Foo Fighters _

[ _http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNwkN9vrUYY_ ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNwkN9vrUYY)

 

“Why is it so hard to understand that Finn don’t care Chop?”  Izzy was tired of hearing about this topic.

“Cos it’s his girl, and some other guy might have had his dick in her.”  And Chop was tired of having to explain why it was an actual issue. 

“She’s not just a vagina chop!”

“I’m not saying that!”

“Then what are you saying exactly?”  Her eyes were wide with anger, but Chop had gotten used to that now, he wouldn’t back down.

“That I’d never let you-”

“Let me?”  Her voice was soft, accusatory, and laced with the erupting rage that was about to come, “Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?”  Her voice reached a volume in her anger that it never had before, she advanced on him, outraged.  “You don’t let me do things chop, I choose what to do, when I want, where I want, how I want!”  She yelled, “And if I wanted to fuck Phil it wouldn’t be up to you to say otherwise!”  She asserted, pointing her finger at him aggressively.  Chop knew he had to calm things down as quickly as possible.

“But you wouldn’t do that baby girl.” He reasoned, “You respect us and yourself more than that.”  There was a moment of silence in which Chop thought he’d said the right thing, before the look on her face made it painfully obvious that he had said the complete wrong thing.

“Who I do or don’t fuck has nothing to do with my levels of respect for you, for me, or for us.”  Her voice was almost calm, but the fury underneath her words was unmistakeable, “unless you define a relationship as inherently and most importantly sexual… unless you define me as a body and not a person.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say!”  Chop suddenly felt incredibly out of his depth.  Again. 

“Chop, if you don’t think of me as just a body, then why does it matter if someone else were to touch me?”

“Cos I wanna be the only one to do it.”  He explained; that was extremely obvious to him. 

“So it‘s about you, and what you want… you want my body to be yours, to be your toy?  A toy that only you get to play with.”  Her icy anger was far more terrifying to Chop than her fiery anger, “That’s not the way it works Chop.  My body belongs to me, and anyone I choose can touch it.” 

“I know…” He said hesitantly, “I don’t want anyone else to touch me but you…”  He tried to make it better, tried to make her understand that that’s what happened in a relationship.

“Well that’s your choice.”  Izzy snapped back.

“But it’s more special if we only touch each other.”

“According to who?”

“According to me!”

“So again, it’s back to being about you and what you want.”  Izzy replied shaking her head. 

“But I don’t understand how you’d think differently!”  Chop almost pleaded, “Sex is special and-”

“Yes it is.”  Izzy answered, “And you’re saying that it becomes less special the more you’ve had it?”  She said, “So since, according to you, I’m the fifth girl you’ve fucked… does that make it less special for you?”

“No!”

“And since we’ve done it so much, does that mean the fuck we had this morning was less special than the first fuck we had?” 

“No…” Chop furrowed his brows, “But the first time was special…”

“Yeah.”  She nodded her head sarcastically, “On the lounge, with a crime show on, worried one of your brothers was gonna walk in.  Real special.” 

“Izzy, I thought…” Chop felt deeply hurt.

“What?  That cos I love you, that every time you put your cock in me I’m s’posed to feel privileged?”

“No… it’s just…”

“Then what exactly did you think?”  She asked in a short tone that made him feel deeply wounded again.

“It were your first time.  I though it were special.”  He lowered his eyes.

“Yeah it were me first time.”  She retorted, “And you did absolutely nothing to make it special.”  He looked up at her, struck by how right her words were.  “The first time you made me cum, at the coast, when I were sick with cancer… that was the most special sex we’ve had.  Cos you actually put some fucking effort in for the first time, rather than just mounting me like a dog in heat.”  Izzy was surprised at the venom in her own words.

“I’m sorry.”  He whispered the words, deeply disturbed by what she had said; she was so right.  Izzy, who everyone believed had never had a bad thought about anything, had been holding onto some extremely negative thoughts and feelings. 

“But our relationship Chop, is more than sex.  If it weren’t I would o’ left you after the first few times we fucked.”  She told him, “I see you as more than just a glorified cock, which is lucky for you, cos you weren’t doing your job at the beginning, were you?”  She asked snarkily, “I see us as more than fucking.  So I stayed, because I love you Chop.  I love you.  Not your cock.  Not fucking.” 

“I know…” He answered, “I love you too…”

“Right… so you say.”  She answered disbelievingly, “But what if I wanted to fuck Phil?”  Chop’s face scrunched up, “Would that be the condition in which you stop loving me?”  Chop sat down on the lounge with a thud. 

“I…” He didn’t know how to answer. 

“So what does it take to make you stop loving me?”  She asked.

“Are you saying you wanna fuck Phil too?”

“NO!”  She roared, angry at how much he’d missed the point.  “But what if I did?”

“Well I’m not ok with that!”  He answered back angrily, “Alright?  I’m not fucking Finn or Rhys… that’s not what I do!” 

“But would you stop loving me?”  Chop paused in his indignation for a moment.

“I don’t…”  He shook his head.

“Is your love conditional Chop?”  She asked him bluntly, “The thing is… I know you don’t wanna fuck around.  And I’ve got your back.  But do you have mine?”  She asked, “If I did have these feelings these urges, like Rae… would you have my back?  Or would you cast me aside?  How conditional is your love?”

“So you’re saying if I wanna prove that I love you I gotta roll over like a puppy and let you fuck whoever you want?”

“Fucking hell Chop!”  She yelled, “That’s not the fucking point!  I already said that I know you’re not ok with that, and that I’ve got your back!  Don’t you trust me?  And it’s not up to you to let me do anything!”  She reiterated angrily.  “The point is, I feel like, that if I were having confused emotions, I couldn’t talk to you about it.”  She said, “And you’re my partner, you’re the one I’m supposed to be sharing my life with.  And I feel like I’d have to shut parts of myself off from you if they didn’t meet your approval!”  Her voice was getting tired from yelling, but she would not relent, “Rae didn’t deliberately get feelings for Phil.  But Finn’s got her back!  Even if it’s hard work for him, he’s right there with her; she can tell him anything.  He’s flexible and adaptable and they are gonna last a lifetime cos they got an honest communication that we can’t even dream of cos I know…” She lost steam as she realised how much this hurt her, “I know there’s things you’d stop loving me for even if I just talked to you about ’em.”  She shook her head, “This isn’t me saying that I wanna fuck Phil or anyone else.  This isn’t me saying that I want what Rae or Chloe have… this is me saying that if I ever did feel something for someone else, I could never admit it to you, cos you’d leave me.  You’d see it as a betrayal that I even noticed other boys existed.”  She sat down on the lounge, exhausted, “You’d leave me for something I’ve got no control over.  Cos you can’t choose who you love Chop.”  She shook her head, “But you can choose what you do about how you feel.  And I’d wanna be able to come to you and talk it through with you if I ever had feelings for someone else.”  She wiped away a tear, “You look at Rae as cheating… I look at it as proof that they can work their way through anything… that they really do have a whole lifetime ahead of them cos they can come to each other for anything  They’ve got each other’s back in a way that you don’t have mine.  And you’re judging them as lesser than you.  Cos it’s somehow less pure… or less special that Rae and Phil…” She shook her head, her emotion getting the better of her.

“I’m not judging them… I just don’t really understand why Finn isn’t enough for her.” 

“That’s all you’ve got to say after everything I’ve said?”  Izzy asked, utterly bewildered by him.  “Right.”  She got up and went into the bedroom, taking down her suitcase she started to put clothes in it.  Chop followed her, his heart dropping.

“Izzy please.”  He begged, “I’m trying to understand…” He stuttered over his words, tears coming into his eyes, but Izzy didn’t respond.  Her silence was killing him.  “Come on baby girl… we’re s’posed to be forever.  I love you.”  But she said nothing.  She just cried and packed.  “Ok fine!”  Chop said, “If you wanna fuck other guys, fine!”  He snapped, “Is that what it’ll take?”

“That’s not what it’s about!”  She yelled at him, her voice cracking from her pitch, volume and the depth of her emotion.  They stared at each other, both breathing heavily.  “After everything I’ve said, all you see is the possibility of someone else getting my cunt.”  She said bitterly and turned away. 

“Alright I don’t understand.”  He admitted frantically, “I-”

“I am not your property, and I am not a prop for your male ego!”  She snapped at him.  “I’m talking to you about communication and trust and supporting each other, even through difficult things, these things literally have nothing to do with fucking other people… and you’re more worried about me cunt.”

“But we are talking about fucking other people…” Chop said confused.

“No we’re not, I’m using it as an example.”  Izzy rolled her eyes. 

“Oh right… so what else does this conversation apply to then?”  He asked sarcastically.

“I don’t wanna stay in Stamford.”  She said the words forcefully.  She’d been afraid of saying these words to him; he loved Stamford, he had his business… he had no intention of ever leaving. 

“Well I know we’ve gotta travel…” His brows furrowed, the look of betrayal in the back of his eyes was getting to Izzy; Chop had always assumed she’d want to stay here with him and raise his brood of kids.

“No Chop…” She whispered, “I don’t wanna live here.”  He sat on the bed, his eyes downcast.

“Is that what this is about?”

“Yeah.”  She answered, “Every relationship has got its struggle I s’pose.”  She said.  “Ours was never gonna be other guys Chop; I can barely manage you.  You’re so much bloody work.”  He scoffed softly, not sure how he felt.

“Well this is an issue baby girl.”  He muttered, “Cos I really don’t wanna leave.”

“I know.”  She answered miserably.

“I thought…” He turned to her, “I thought you wanted to settle down here?”

“Maybe when I’m 70.”  She shrugged, “If I make it to 70.”  Chop’s face scrunched up at that thought and he took her roughly into his arms.  “I’ve known for months that I didn’t wanna stay… but I haven’t been able to say anything to you cos…”  Chop nodded, understanding. 

“We’ll figure this out.”  He mumbled to her, “It’s alright.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘The Glengarry Gathering’ composed by Angus MacKay _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MChXAck3ZBc>

 

Kenzie folded the laundry and headed up the stairs.  Nothing had been decided about her living arrangements, but she was on leave without pay from her job and was looking in Stamford for work.  She didn’t know if she should stay in London or not.  Gary seemed to be incredibly indecisive.  He was extremely sure he wanted her around, but when it came to her moving to Stamford permanently there seemed to be some sort of block; he just stopped planning and talking about it.  She couldn’t blame him for being reticent.  She was unsure about how to move forward too.  But what she did know was that she wasn’t going to let anything take her away from Finn again.  The damage she had done was breathtakingly bad and she would never forgive herself for the absolute absurdness of the situation that had kept her away from her boy for so long.  She wondered if she and Gary had grown too comfortable in their misery and that was part of why they’d both left it so long.  They had both been waiting for the other to make the first move; what foolishness.  What foolishness that their son had paid for.  She felt that deeply and her anxiety had taken a few notches up since she’d come back to Stamford.  But she was determined to not let her mental illness take everything from her again.  This time it wouldn’t win.

She headed up the stairs, with a basket full of Finn and Rae’s clothes neatly folded.  She could hear the guitar wafting down to her.  She made herself pause at the top of the stairs.  Something she had decided to do to let her mind catch up with her so she didn’t do foolish things like barge in on her 18 year old son and his girlfriend.

She took a deep steadying breath.

And then another.

And proceeded down the hall to knock on his door.

“Yeah?”  He called and she tired the handle; the door was unlocked.

“Just bringing up your laundry.”  Finn was sitting on the bed in his boxers, Rae was at his desk in a huge oversized shirt, looking stressed about her homework.  Finn had been playing soothing music to her.

“You don’t have to do it mum.”  Finn said.  “Rae does it.”  He and Rae had an arrangement; she did it at his place and he did it at hers.  It kept both sets of parents impressed with how much they were looking after each other, because both assumed that they were doing it all the time, rather than half of the time.

“I know she does.”  Kenzie said giving him a slightly unimpressed look, “And it’s not her job to be picking up after ye.”  Rae looked back at him and they shared a glance.

“I do it at her place.”  Finn added with a wry grin.

“Oh do ye?  Where you mother cannae see it?”  She was unimpressed, “Torr caca, ná chuala mi a-riamh.”

“Ma…” Finn groaned.

“Ye know the rules.  Translate for ye lass.”  Rae was glad for the interruption to the homework she was doing and turned to look at Finn with an expectant expression.

“Ah she says it sound like bollocks to her.”  Finn said to Rae.

“He does do it at my place.”  Rae said to Kenzie and Kenzie nodded.

“Snog a chluintinn na diomhain e, mo mhac-sa.”  Kenzie replied.

“She’s glad I’m not a lazy bastard.”  Finn sighed.

“Your Gaelic’s getting better.”  Rae said with a grin.

“Aye but it’s fucking hard!”

“Watch your fooking geggy you numpty!”

“Oi!”  Finn laughed, “You cannae just start in on Scottich vernacular you gotta choose Gaelic or-”

“Quit your havering!”  She shot back.  Rae was beginning to enjoy Kenzie a little more.  After the walking-in-on-sex incident she’d seemed to accept that Finn wasn’t a child anymore and was behaving a lot better.  They still had their moments, but everyone could see that progress was being made now.

“Aye, oh I see you got a Scottish accent again now!”

“Aye, refusing to bend the knee to the English.”  She answered, “The MacKay clan fought with William Wallace d’ye no ken?”

“Did we?”  Finn asked with a grin.

“We did a lot o’ things.”  She told him, “Chan iongadh orm a bheil bua an chiúil agod-sa. Ruithean anns an fhuil é…”  She finished in English

“Aye?”  Finn asked, intrigued and then turned to Rae, “She says music’s in me family tree.”

“She said an awful lot for that little sentence you came out with…” Rae said giving Kenzie a grin.

“Well, I might paraphrasing… cos I don’t right now everything she said.”  He grimaced, knowing that his mother would start to get stricter on this lessons now, and now that they had started up Shakespeare for English he really didn’t know how he was going to cope with his workload.  “So… Who’s me ancestor that played guitar?”  Finn asked his mother.

“Thá fios is cinnit gur sár-chomas an chiul ag Angus Mc Aoidh.  Tar-sgríobh e piobrachd a shéinn na piobairan.  Cuideachta, sgríobh e a phiobrachd bhinn féin.  Ba a’ chiad phiobaire do ridh e.  ‘S eigeann dom a chiul am fail dhuit…”  Her voice trailed off at the end, as if making a note to herself.  Rae looked at Finn, but his eyes were narrowed in thought.

“Um…” He thought, “Um… I think we’re getting some bagpipe music.”  Kenzie repeated herself slowly and carefully and Finn plopped back on his bed in thought, his guitar laid across his stomach, his fingers still on the fret, fingering out chords as he thought.  “Angus MacKay is a musical genius… who wrote a bunch of bagpipe music?”  He shook his head and looked up at his mum who repeated herself.  “And…”  He shook his head again.  “A dinnae ken.”  He tried and saw the grin on her face when he used Scottish vernacular for ‘I don’t know.’ 

“He wrote it down for the first time.”  She said and Finn went over the words in his head, “And he was the first ever piper to the sovereign, in the 1800s.”

“Oi did you say a date afore?”

“Naw.”  She shook her head.

“Stop fooking confusing me!”  He muttered, “A dh’aona -ghnothach, a’ bheil thu ag iarraidh e seo a bith cruaidh?”

“Math thu.”  Kenzie approved of his Gaelic and nodded at Rae so Finn translated.

“I asked her if she were deliberately making it hard on me.”  He grinned enjoying his slow mastering of this language.

“Mar tha fios’ad is seanchlann na Mac Aoidh le stair agus dualchas saidhbhir.  Throid airson neo-eisimileachd na h-Alba.  Bha clan Mac Aoidh suidhicthe i gCaisteal Bharriach ach a-nis tha an traith i dTaigh Tunga.  An-duigh is e Aaron Mac Aoidh an traith, co-ogha leam-sa.”  Her tone was informative and immutable, “Is ball an chlainn thu tha dualgais ort a bith aithnich, duine feadhainn is Mac Aoidh iadsan in ainm a-mháin.”  She paused for emphasis, “Ach thá an fhuil ceunda ainnainn ná a tha sa traith.”  Finn nodded slowly, taking it in as if it were extremely important. 

“Mum’s cousins with the current Chief of the clan.”  Finn told Rae with a surprised grin.  “So we’re actually members of the clan, not just people with the last name… Is that why you took your last name back?”  He suddenly understood and she nodded, “Cos as a woman, you lose your clan when you marry… you join the new clan.”

“Aye, but I married an English man.”  She widened her eyes at the scandal and grinned.  “Lucky we live in the modern world and the clan system isn’t quite so strict as it used to be!”  She laughed.  “Tell ye bonne quine the rest.”  She nodded at Rae.

“Bonnie quine?”  Rae asked.  She knew what bonnie meant, but quine…

“Beautiful girl.”  Finn said with a grin and without pause for Rae to take in what Kenzie had called her, started to translate, “Um… Well our clan is very old.”  Finn said and Kenzie was glad to hear him referring to the Mackay clan, Mac Aoidh in Gaelic, as their clan, “We fought for independence against England.”  He was clearly struggling so Kenzie helped him slowly to decipher all the words, so that Finn could tell her that the MacKay’s ancient seat of power was at Varrich Castle but the current chieftain of the clan, Aaron MacKay, lived at tongue House.  “It’s important for me to know this stuff, cos a lot o’ people just have the last name, but they’re not actually a member o;’ the clan.”  Finn said, “But I think both of us are.”  Kenzie grimaced slightly.

“Well the rules aren’t so strict as they used to be.”  She smiled, “Mr Nelson.”  She added, making her meaning clear.

“Oh Right.”  He understood, 

“You do have the blood, if not the name.”  She said.

“Am bheil thu am buntanas ri Aaron?”  Finn asked and Kenzie turned her eyes to Rae.

“He asked if I am still in contact with my cousin, the current chief of our clan.”  She told Rae, “Aye of course.”  She answered.

“Am fhoad leam tachairt leis?”  Finn’s voice sounded more confident than he was; he still wasn’t sure he was getting the language.

“He wants to know if he can meet him.”  Kenzie translated, “Aye, we’ll go up to Sutherland to our lands, and ye can meet your patriarch.”

“Beidh se taitneanach.”  Finn wanted to say that it would be exciting, but didn’t know it Gaelic had a word for exciting, so went with enjoyable.

“It‘s not nearly as enjoyable as you think it’ll be.”  She laughed.  “He’s just a man like any other man.”  She told tehm, “Awrite, I’ve delayed ye enough.  Back to it.”  She nodded at Rae’s homework, “Leisgean, thusa cho mhath.”  She grinned at Finn and left, closing the door behind her.  Rae looked at Finn expectantly, having a good idea of what Kenzie had said.

“Aye, she told me to get on with me homework.”  He grinned and Rae noticed that he always sounded a little more Scottish after these lessons.

She didn’t mind one bit.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ by Manic Street Preachers _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxREN8JUdI0>

 

“Furred pack!”  Rae and Finn were giggling, Phil was sitting next to Rae and he rolled his eyes, trying to be the sensible one.  Next to him was Bethany, and next to Finn on the other side was James.

“It’s not that funny.”  Phil said as Bethany laughed loudly. 

“How about you bring your three inch fool to my furred pack for some horsemanship.”  Bethany laughed and Mrs Vines grinned. 

“The point is, Shakespeare would have never been popular if he hadn’t been telling the most vulgar jokes, and often at very inappropriate times.”  She told her class, “Don’t imagine Shakespeare to be a dry old fuddy duddy.  His language is rich and layered and filled with meaning… and it’s also extremely bawdy.”  She turned to Bethany.  “So what Bethany said isn’t actually in any Shakespearean play, for those that haven’t figured it out, what is it you just said?”  Mrs Vines had set them the task of finding dirty language in various Shakespearean snippets.  Bethany paused, not sure that Mrs Vines meant it.

“I said um… how about you bring your penis over to my vagina for some sex.”  The class laughed.

“I don’t fucking know about three inches!”  One of the lads on the other side of the room said loudly and the lads all laughed loudly, even Finn enjoying the general banter.  The girls all gave each other joking looks of scepticism. 

“Aye but Macca’s not here.”  Another replied to Bethany, he was from their PE class, and a few of them had heard Macca, Finn and Phil talking now; it had spread like wildfire, the curse of liking fat girls was infectious and Finn was the vector.  Finn didn’t care one bit; he was glad to be spreading that.  Interestingly, the lad’s bad attitude had lasted exactly 20 minutes before somehow, the lads had just decided it really didn’t matter, and Macca was now receiving the same ribbing and teasing he would have gotten if Bethany was like any other girl that the lads generally talked about.  Finn and Phil had ended up having a pretty long discussion about it in the showers, wondering if this heralded and actual change in men’s perceptions of women’s bodies.  Finn had realised that Phil was super smart and knew a whole lot more about the kinds of things that he’d normally hear Rhys talking about than he did.  He’d made a point of introducing Phil and Rhys at the party last Friday at Chop and Izzy’s place, and had seem them deep in conversation.  Part way during the conversation, Chloe, feeling particularly devilish had come over and kissed Rhys, looked at Phil and then proceeded to tell Rhys that this was the Phil she’d messed around with.  Rhys had nodded and returned her kiss before she had walked away.  And then he’d continued talking to Phil as if Chloe hadn’t just told him about their tryst.  It had been quite freeing for Phil to see that Rhys actually didn’t care, and that meant that when Finn suggested that he have occasional boxing session with Rhys too, Phil had agreed eagerly. 

But now he sat next to Rae, always next to Rae, with Finn always on the other side.  And they were talking about Shakespearean sex jokes. 

“So when we understand that death and dying was often a euphemism for orgasm, and that scholars are pretty sure that sheath, is a Latin based pun on vagina.  What do guys make of Juliet saying…?”  Mrs Vines looked down at her notes, “‘Oh happy dagger!  This is thy sheath, there rust, and let me die.’  Whilst she stabs herself?” 

“It says that old Willy was a dirty bugger!”  James joked and everyone laughed.

“Exactly!”  Mrs Vines replied.  “As we embark upon this journey of comparative Shakespeare, I want you to keep in mind that there’s a lot more going on in his texts than you have been led to believe.”  She answered, “We’ll be comparing 5 texts, 3 sonnets and 2 Shakespearean works of your own choice for this unit of work.  It’s going to have a very heavy reading load, so you better choose your individual pieces quickly.  Because I want a thousand words on both of these two pieces, that’s 2000 total, on my desk by the end of the week, telling me why you chose them.”  It was Tuesday.  Finn groaned and Rae gave him a supportive smile.  Phil had already read the syllabus and was aware of what the assignments were, had already picked his two pieces to study alongside the other eight, and had already written up an outline of his assignment.  Phil had already joked several times that year that the real key to his success was planning, and reading the damn syllabus.  Bethany was similar in that regard, but only for her sciences and maths.  She wasn’t one for English or the arts.  She appreciated them, and wanted to do well, but she put all her energy into the subjects she loved, scraping in with passes in advanced English.  She had thought of dropping down to normal English, but in the end the syllabus for advanced had been too interesting, even if she was going to only scrape through it. 

“Now as a class we get to choose which plays and sonnets, so I’m going to give you a chance to read through the notes, then we’re going to do a vote, where you get to put the name of one play and one sonnet in a box, a we’ll see what wins.”  Mrs Vines looked at her watch, “I’ll give you 20 minutes to-” The loud speaker cracked to life and a heavily panting breath could be heard.  They all looked up at the roof, as people did when a loud speaker was making noise.  The person who had turned it on was obviously puffed out and had no idea how to use it; so they instantly all knew it was a prank, and someone had gotten into the office by climbing two stories up the outside wall.  It had been done before, and everyone in the class grinned at each other.  Mrs Vines leaned back on her table, crossing her arms and shaking her head, a wry grin on her face. 

“Bethany Jane Monroe.”  There was a stunned silence in the room as suddenly over twenty sets of eyes turned to Bethany.  “I had a whole fucking speech writ down, but I dropped it climbing up the wall to get in here.  So I’ll just have to go with…” There was a silence while he figured out what he was going to say.  “You said you was winnowing girl.  Well how’s this for winnowing: Andrew James McAdams wants to date you, girl.”  There were some gleeful scoffs and gasps, and Bethany put a hand to her mouth stunned at his sheer audacity.  “So if you’re up for it, we can have a chat after I get the yelling at I’m about to get, and you can tell me to bugger off or to hang around; whatever you want, but I know I’d prefer to hang around... Cos I like you Bethany.  I like everything about you.  Especially the part of you that made me have to do this crazy fucking thing.”  He chuckled.  “So yeah.  Let me know what you think…” The sound of the door to the principal’s office finally being opened was heard over the loud speaker.  “See you round!”  The loud speaker clicked off and Bethany, who had still been looking at the ceiling looked around the room. 

“What are you gonna say?”  One of the girls on the other side of the room said.

“We’re not gonna put any more pressure on Bethany right now.”  Mrs Vines immediately intervened.  “Public declarations of like, love, intent, or public proposals… they put a lot of pressure on the person receiving them to say yes, or the audience will possibly perceive them in a negative light.  But I want you all to know, that Bethany has every right to say yes or no, as she sees fit.  It sounded like Andrew understands that, and I hope you all do and act accordingly.”  She said sternly, “And if it ever happens to you, please remember that you have the right to answer as you want, not as the audience wants you to answer.” 

Rae looked around Phillip to Bethany and gave her a supportive smile while Mrs Vines reminded them to get to deciding what to vote for. 

 

 

Lunch came and went with no sign of Macca. 

 

 

Bethany was leaving school at the end of the day, the school gang walking along with her, all of them laughing and joking, Bethany quieter than usual.  She was waiting for Macca to show up, and tired of everyone asking her what she had said to Macca; her answer was always ‘nothing yet.’ 

They were at the car park, chatting and saying their farewells when he appeared, jogging up with a slight grin on his face.  Rae and Finn looked over at them, while Chloe quickly filled in Rhys, who was making his job to come and get her after school each day because Ian knew where she went to school.  Izzy grinned and grabbed James and Bryn’s hands excitedly.  Woody lit up a smoke and sat on the hood of his car while Philip shoved his hands in his pockets and tried not to look. 

Bethany separated from the group slightly.

“Hey.”  Macca said as he approached. 

“So that’s how you winnow in the McAdams household hey?”  Bethany asked and Macca gave a shrug.

“I do what I gotta do.”  He kept his eyes on her face, unaware that he was holding his breath, waiting for her answer. 

“What’d you get for it?”

“Massive lecture, parents called and usual level of fatherly disappointment.  But me mum’s invited you to dinner this Saturday…”  He shrugged, “And detentions on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons for the rest of the year, which fucks up football if I can’t change the day of it.”  He shrugged again, “I gotta go back in in five minutes to do me detention… but it were totally worth it.”

“I haven’t given you an answer yet!”  She laughed.

“Yeah but you’re smiling.”  He answered, “It was worth it for that alone.” 

“That’s a very romantic notion.”  She tried to sound cynical, but his grin was too infectious.

“Did I do good?”  He asked with a slightly pleased, slightly cocky grin.  Bethany nodded slowly.

“Yeah you did good.”  She conceded and tried not to let her grin look too happy; there were a lot of people watching them.  “You know you did.”  He nodded freely and then cleared his throat. 

“So…?’ He shuffled his feet, nervous about asking her to her face, “How about it?”  He held out a hand to her, “Did the winnowing show me off as chaff or grain?”

“You really like to run with a metaphor don’t you?”

“When it’s an apt one.”  He grinned, “Cos anyone who’s not willing to publically own his own feelings is rubbish... he should be thrown away like chaff.”  He saw her eyes drop to his outstretched hand, “Anyone who wouldn’t be fucking proud to have you hold his hand, don’t deserve you.”  He nodded, “and you know that… that’s why you tested what kind o’ lad I am.  That were the point you were making.  I heard you.”  Bethany looked up at his face.  “It took me a moment, but I understand.”  She nodded and took his hand.  She closed her eyes in disbelieve and cynicism as actual applause broke out, cheering and wolf-whistles sounded out around them.  She shook her head and opened her eyes.

“We’re never gonna live this down.”  She chuckled.

“Oh well.”  Macca shrugged and put a hand on her waist.  They barely noticed that a new silence had settled across the people watching; so intent on each other were they.  Bethany stepped into Macca, and he leaned down, his lips touching hers for the first time.  They didn’t hear everyone responding again, they were only interested in their kiss.

Rae and Finn gave each other a happy smile, Finn’s hand going to her face as they heard Izzy’s delighted squeal of happiness, accompanied by Chloe’s happy laugh.  Chloe looked up at Rhys, who had a straight face and was looking around thoughtfully.

“Seriously, these two have been sweet on each other for months.”  She said and Rhys nodded.

“I don’t doubt it.”  He answered, “I just saw a fairly suspicious guy across the road.”  He answered, “But I looked away, and when I looked back up he was gone.”  Chloe looked out across the road to where Rhys was looking. 

“It’s probably nothing.”  Chloe told herself more than anything.  She stepped closer to Rhys, and he, as always, understood and put his arms around her protectively. 

When Macca and Bethany stopped kissing she grinned saucily at him.

“Well this will make our Friday study sessions annoying.”

“Annoying?”

“I can barely keep your mind on maths now… how am I gonna be able to do it when you know what you’ll be able to do with me after we’re done with the maths?”  Macca made a slight whimpering noise in the back of his throat and Bethany’s seductive grin broadened.  “See?”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘A Life Less Ordinary’ by Ash _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szUeXBaOfl4>

 

Archie looked up at the night sky; the number of stars was incredible.  Tom had his hand over Archie’s mouth to control the lusty whimpers as he slowly made love to him.  Tom frequently had to bite his bottom lip to silence himself. 

The Sahara was a huge place, and there were lots of deserts within this desert; they were a few days into their trek through the White Desert, part of Egypt’s Sahara.  This was a surreal landscape of white sands and strange, almost mushroom shaped rock formations.  Tom was in love with the place.  And the night sky was literally the most romantic thing either of them had ever seen.

Now that Tom was used to all the heat and sweat and dust, and the bad attitude of his camel, the constant rocking motion and blazing heat put him in quite a sexual mood.  When Zayed had offered them both some traditional Bedouin robes to wear, Tom had taken them; they hid is constant erection quite nicely.  And they really helped with the heat.  Mohammed had organised Zayed as their guide from Siwa Oasis back to the Nile where they would meet him.  He’d warned them that Zayed was a fairly conservative Bedouin, who was willing to turn a blind eye as long as they were not too obvious.  If they were obvious, he was likely to leave them in the desert. 

They had been making love silently in hotel rooms and tents for weeks and weeks now.  But the allure of the night sky in the desert had called them outside, and they had snuck off in the middle of the night to find a quiet place to make love.  Possibly not the wisest thing to do, but they had left the lantern on in their tent and the soft distant glow of that would guide them back.  And besides, it was a full moon tonight, they could see enough to make out the incredible shapes of the rocks around them. 

Tom put his lips to Archie’s ear and whispered;

“I love you.”  Archie’s hands moved up Tom’s back, his face showing his ecstasy, he groaned softly.  “Sssshhh.”  Tom shushed him gently, his voice almost silent.  “I love you.”  He whispered again.  He took his hand of Archie’s mouth to kiss him, keeping his moans as he came stifled by Archie’s mouth devouring his.  Archie rolled Tom over onto his back and kept kissing him, passionately, lovingly.  Tom licked his hand and reached down to stroke Archie’s cock before guiding him in, the lack of enough lube making him wince with delight.  Tom was quite capable of coming from prostate gland stimulation alone; he had had many powerful orgasms like that, and Archie had been learning how to make him cum like that.  Archie had been enjoying making him cum like that, wrapping his fingers around Tom’s mouth to stifle the cries of pleasure.  And he intended to do that right now.  Archie was yet to cum from prostate stimulation alone, but he did enjoy it and Tom was quite determined to get him there; just not until they got home.  Tom wanted Archie to be able to scream when that orgasm happened.  Archie had screamed in ecstasy when he had cum from a blow job with prostate stimulation, and Tom wanted to hear that scream again and again… he’d just have to wait till he got Archie home.  As for Archie; he’d let Tom scream here… with his hand firmly clamped over his mouth. 

“I love you.”  Tom whispered up at Archie as Archie ground his hips into Tom, angling up, making tom groan with anticipation; he knew what Archie was doing and looked up at the beautiful sky as he let his body go lose, ready for the onslaught of pleasure. 

“I love you.”  Archie whispered back as he clamped his hand over Tom’s mouth and really started to grind.  He’d whisper those words dozens of times before he was done with Tom, and Tom would scream in pleasure as silently as he could. 

 

 

They laid naked, the cool desert breeze chilling the sweat on their panting bodies, both looking up at the stars, their hands clasped. 

“Holy fuck Archie.”  Tom marvelled at how good Archie was at doing things to him. 

“Learned from the best.”  Archie answered his unspoken words. 

“Ah you just got natural talent.”  Tom shook his head and leaned over to kiss Archie. 

They heard a sound to their right and they both shot their faces in that direction, terrified that they had been caught. 

The reflective eyes of jackal looked back at them. 

There was a moment of utter stillness as they looked into the eyes of the jackal; the Egyptian wolf.  There was a sound almost like a soft bark from behind the jackal and it looked over its shoulder.  A second jackal came up behind it and stood beside it looking at them. 

Tom and Archie stared in complete silence as one of the jackals sniffed the air, the other one staring at them.  The one who was sniffing made a slight noise, almost as if dismissing them and jogged past them, coming within inches of them.  The one staring at them followed a moment later.  They watched the jackal leave in stunned silence and then looked at each other with deep surprise.  Huge grins broke out on both of their faces simultaneously.

“Oh my god!”  Archie exclaimed excitedly. 

“That was terrifying.”  Tom laughed and flopped back into the sand. 

“What beautiful animals.”  Archie sat up and stared off into the night. 

“Well if they decided to come back and eat us, at least they’ll be very beautiful while they’re doing it!”  Tom laughed and started to get dressed.

“We just met Anubis…” Archie grinned.  “It’s no wonder people thought he judged people in the afterlife… I felt like he was judging us.” 

“Animals are always more intelligent than people think they are.”  Tom agreed.  “But fuck me, that was terrifying!”  He laughed. 

“We’ve pushed our luck enough.”  Archie noted Tom getting dressed and jumped up to try and find his clothes, “Don’t forget to check your clothes!”  Archie reminded Tom.  Two days ago, Tom had picked up his robes and a scorpion had fallen out onto his foot.  He had screamed and kicked his foot out, the scorpion flying through the air to hit the side of the tent and go scuttling off into their things.  It had taken half an hour, a lot of tentative pokes and prods, far too much laughing from Zayed, and several screams to get the damn thing out of their things and out of the tent.  Tom had spent a lot of the time in a monologue about Archie’s ‘amazing idea to travel through the desert on fricking camel back and camp and where the fuckin fuck is this fucking devil creature?’

Archie had learned something that day; Tom’s star sign might be Scorpio, but actual scorpions scared the shit out of him. 

By the time they’d gotten dressed, Tom frantically shaking all his clothes out before putting them on, they realised that the lantern had gone out in their tent and they were lost. 

In the Sahara.

In the middle of the night.

“Oh fuck.”  Archie moaned.

“It’s gonna make a great tale when we get home.”  Tom reminded him.  Archie had said this to Tom every time Tom had looked like he was unimpressed by something.  The last time Archie had said it was when they had had to dig up their own hole to use as a toilet in the middle of the baking desert. 

“Which way?”  Tom asked grinning into the darkness.  He was in this adventure with Archie wholeheartedly.

“Well if we go the wrong way, we’re really fucked, you know?” 

 

 

They’d ended up calling out to Zayed.

Loudly. 

Screaming his name out into the darkness.

And he had come to retrieve him, clucking his tongue at foolish westerners. 

They had accepted his admonishments wholeheartedly; it had been stupid. 

But oh so fun.

 

 

They were up and ready to get going before dawn had even started to open its sleepy eyes.  The sky was dark, the moon still full but low, and the stars were still captivating.

“Loris is back.”  Tom had named a gorgeous Fennec Fox that they had been seeing during their trek; Zayed liked Fennec foxes and would feed them the scraps from their meals.  Tom had named the little fox after Laurence of Arabia and Zayed had seemed quite amused by this and had started calling him Loris too. 

“Hey look, he’s brought his partner!”  Archie nodded towards Loris and a second Fennec Fox following him.

“You know I’m positive that it hasn’t been Loris every dawn?”  Tom laughed.  “I am sure we’re seeing different Fennec Foxes.”

“The original Loris is probably still hanging around Siwa.”  Archie agreed. 

“They’re all Loris now.”  Zayed told them as he packed up the tents.

 

 

Tom’s joy at meeting up with Mohammed again was tempered by his disbelief over the fact that they would be travelling by felucca for the next few days.

“That’s a felucca?”  He asked and cocked an eyebrow at Archie, “You seriously need to warn me about this stuff in future.”  He shook his head, “Egyptian sailing boat…” He uttered.  “Here I was thinking it was a real sailing boat with fucking beds…”  He sighed and threw his bag into it.  Archie looked around to see no one nearby but Mohammed speaking to Zayed and another guy Mohammed had paid to actually ‘drive’ the boat, and gave Tom a quick peck on the cheek.  The new guy was a Coptic fellow by the name of Adam, he was also gay, and both of them instantly liked him. 

“Thanks for putting up with my shit.”  Archie grinned and Tom gave him a fond grin.

“Nothing to put up with.  If it weren‘t for you, I never would have had an adventure like this.”  He looked around, “Just look at where we are Arch.”  He grinned, “Thanks for putting up with my whinging.” 

“You’re not whinging.”  Archie told him, “I miss beds too.” 

It was an hour before they set off in the tiny felucca, which was surprisingly comfortable. 

And an hour after that Tom found himself staring at Archie in disbelief. 

Mohammed was already swimming in the murky water and Adam was staying on board to look after the boat.

“It’d blazingly hot!”  Archie reasoned.

“But we could get bilharzia!”  Tom had read the travel books, including the health section. 

“Yeah in the shallows; but we’re in the middle of the river!”  Archie pulled his shirt off with a gleeful grin.

“But the water quality…”

“It’s the fucking Nile!”  Archie laughed.  He grabbed Tom’s face and kissed his lips before turning and diving into the river.  Tom, laughing and shaking his head stripped off and dived in after him. 

Nights were great with Mohammed and Adam, who seemed to be on again off again lovers.  They slept under the open sky, slathered in mosquito repellent, and only ate things that could either be cooked over an open fire or made in a single pot. 

Adam had an amazing singing voice and would entertain them by singing and telling jokes, and Mohammed would tell them the history of Egypt as the shores slid by, or as they sat watching the fire.  They were both very interested in England and the differences and similarities in life there.  During these conversations, Archie was struck by how much he and Tom shrugged about England but how fiercely in love with Egypt Mohammed and Adam were, despite some of the problems they complained about.  It was inspiring and very endearing to meet to such different people who were both so completely Egyptian; their sense of nationalism uniting them.

Tonight they were taking the train from Luxor to Aswan to spend a few days.  They were seeing Abu Simbel, the Isle Temple of Philae and lots of other exciting things.  Tom was particularly excited by Abu Simbel; they had moved a whole mountain to protect the monument from being flooded by Lake Nasser when the Aswan High Dam went in.  Several monuments were moved, but Abu Simbel was the one Tom was keenest to see; it belonged to Ramses the second.  He was actually getting quite keen to get to Luxor too and see more of what Egypt’s longest reigning pharaoh had gotten up to there.  Archie was most keen for Karnak; a huge temple complex in which successive pharaohs competed for the gods favour by building more and grander structures. 

It was sad to think that their time in Egypt was coming to an end.  After Luxor they were heading to Greece, birthplace of Alexander the Great.  Archie was sad that he hadn’t decided to go to the Sinai Peninsula, but he hadn’t had time, and he was happy to think that they’d have to head back to Egypt. 

They both loved it here.  And when he had mentioned it to Tom, he’d nodded eagerly, for all his whinging about camping and heat, he was having the time of his life.  They both were.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘American Woman’ by The Guess Who _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lc4sWhhPLRw>

 

“Another week gone.”  Rae said as they headed towards the car park on a Friday afternoon.

“This time two weeks ago I were about to head out to Paris on a romantic getaway planned by my ridiculously thoughtful partner.”  Chloe noted slightly morosely.  “And now this.”  She complained, “I have so much homework that I’m positive it’s breeding in me locker.” 

“Producing stronger better adapted babies… that are impossible to kill.”  Rae responded and Chloe cocked and eyebrow at her.  Rae saw the quizzical look, “You should see the fucking biology homework I got Chlo.”  She shook her head in dismay.  

“I have to sew all the costumes for your play this weekend!”  Izzy moaned, “I wish I hadn’t agreed to do it.” 

Behind them Phil and Finn were discussing feminist theatre; Elsa’s latest homework.  Bryn was listening in with a thoughtful expression, while Woody and James talked about the possible benefits of marijuana if taken medically.  James was wanting to be a doctor, Woody just like pot.  And bringing up the rear Macca and Bethany, holding hands, grinning about their study session; their first since they had started dating.  Bethany was debating with herself over whether to just jump in hips first, or let this one take its time. 

“What’s Audrey doing here?”  Rae had looked up to see not only Rhys, waiting as always, deep in conversation with Elsa today, but Audrey, the sound girl at Finn’s radio station was also there. 

“Oh hey Rae.”  She said as they approached, her American accent sounding stronger to Rae’s ears than usual.

“Hey.”  Rae answered.

“What’s with the suit?”  Finn asked and beside him Phil pocketed his hands and cleared his throat. 

“I only work at that dump voluntarily cos they’re teaching me how to do sound engineering.”  She answered in the usual curt tone she seemed to reserve for men.  She sipped on a flask of extremely strong smelling black coffee, “I work as a lawyer by day.”  She looked over at Phil.

“Coming?”  She asked him and he nodded.

“Wait what?”  Rae asked as Phil went to follow her.  Audrey looked back at them and saw Phil hesitating.

“He’s my fucktoy, and he’s coming to my house to cook me French Fries, fuck me till I cum, and then get the fuck out of my house so I can read my comic books.”  She answered Rae with a sweet tone. 

“Wait Phil.”  Chloe interceded, “You’ve just had your heart broken… is this a healthy thing to be-”

“It’s perfect for me.”  Phil answered and Audrey sighed, and looked at her watch, “I’ll just be a moment.”  He told her. 

“I honestly do not care about one word you say.”  Audrey told him and Phil grinned in reply, “I barely remember your name.”  She went on, her icy blue eyes flashing, “All that matters is you’ve got a great cock and you know how to use it.  I don’t even care if you cum, as long as I do.”  She looked at the rest of the gang, “So if you wanna play with these people for a bit, fine.  But if you’re not in my car before I get bored of waiting for you, you can kiss this ass goodbye.”  She turned, her full figured bottom shown off perfectly in her blue dress suit, her golden blonde hair shining in the light as she walked off across the car park. 

“She’s so sexy.”  Phil grinned, “And she doesn’t give one fuck about me, which is perfect, cos I don’t give one fuck about her!” 

“How long have you been with her?”  Finn asked.  He was used to Audrey’s rough demeanour; she was usually high at the station, but it didn’t mean that she talked any nicer to any of the males there at all.  She had told Rae that after too many times of men treating her like an object to get their dicks into, she decided to start treating them like that.  She had no male friends, but many adored female friends.  No partner, a dog, a beautiful apartment and several lovers.  She always chatted kindly to Rae, but brusquely to Finn at the station, and Rae liked her.  Finn thought she was solid, but difficult; he like her, even though he knew she didn’t like him. 

Rae thought about what Phil had said at the party and nodded slowly.  He needed these women to stop the painful gash on his leg from getting infected. 

“Well…” She said trying to make her voice sound stronger, “Take care of yourself.”

“I always do.”  He grinned and headed off towards Audrey’s electric blue car. 

“Does anybody here think that’s a good idea?”  Chloe asked watching Phil go.

“It’s not really our business.”  Rae said with lowered eyes. 

“But he’s our friend.”  Chloe answered.

“Audrey’s a good woman.”  Rae answered, “She just doesn’t take any shit whatsoever…”

“From men.”  Finn added, “She’s a little more patient with women.” 

“And you’re ok with this?”  Chloe asked Finn and he shrugged.

“He’s doing better than I did.  The girl I fucked with cared about me.”  He shook his head, “He fucks around responsibly.” 

“Yeah, you gotta do that shit ethically.”  Woody chimed in. 

“Look I get the whole idea that he’s fucking around to get over his pain from...”  Chloe didn’t say what from, this was far too a public space to speak about it, and not everyone in the school gang knew the details, “And that it’s better that he don’t break a bunch o’ girls to do that… But d’you really think that being treated like an object is gonna help him?”  Chloe asked, “I mean it never helped me… or you.”  She said to Rae, “Or any other woman.  So why would it help him?”

“The truth is Chlo, I don’t know what’ll help him.”  Rae answered, “But it‘s not up to me.”

“I know.”  She shook her head, “I know it’s not up to us.”  She said, “I just love that fucking dweeb.”  She sighed, “I don’t want him to get any more broken.” 

“None of us do.”  Finn agreed.

“People don’t break.”  Rae said, reminding Chloe of something Elsa had once said to her: things break, people are not things. 

“No… but it can hurt so much that it feels irreparable...”  She answered.  “I don’t want that for any of my friends.”  She answered.  “I know it’s his decision but… I don’t see any harm in reminding him that he’s worth more than that.”

“I think he knows that he is.”  Rae said, “I think he really just wants hassle-free sex Chlo.  And whether that’s healthy or not isn’t for us to judge.”  Chloe sighed.

“I guess I just get worked up about people I care about being treated like a fucktoy… it was horrible when I went through that.”  She shook her head. 

“The difference is consent.”  Rae said very softly and Chloe understood.  Phil was consenting to be treated like this; he was seeking it out.  Chloe had consented to sex, but had been treated like an object, and then raped multiple times.  Chloe nodded.

“I s’pose.”  She hugged Rae, “I love you Rae, you take care of yourself this weekend ok?”  She said bossily and Rae grinned

“Only if you take care of yourself too.”  Rae replied, “Love you too.” 

Everyone hugged and said their farewells, Rae and Finn heading over to their car. 

“You alright?”  He asked and Rae nodded her head thoughtfully.

“I knew he were doing stuff like this.”  She shrugged. 

“Aye.”  Finn answered.  “You know he still loves you right?”

“Unfortunately for him.”  Rae answered, “And that shouldn’t matter anyway.”  She hitched her bag, angry at herself.

“Alright.”  Finn answered simply, understanding her mood.  “How much crap do you reckon we can give Audrey about this?”  Finn grinned.

“You?”  Rae asked, “None.”  She answered, “Me?”  She shrugged, “Also none, cos she just wouldn’t care.”  Rae sighed, “You know she once said that she was wondering if males were a lower life form.”  Finn considered this for a moment.

“Harsh.”  He nodded with a grin, “But given the majority of guys in Stamford act like pond scum…” He shrugged to indicate that it was a fair assumption to live by.  Rae chuckled, but inside she was worrying for Phil.  She didn’t like to be thinking about Phil like this when she was with Finn. 

“So what’s the plan this weekend?”

“Other than work on Saturday and therapy on Sunday, I’m leaving it all up to you girl.”  He grinned and she gave a thoughtful expression for a moment. 

“Homework.”  She grumbled, “A visit to Red Eye.”  She grinned knowing how much he loved that music shop, and he nodded happily, “And more sex than you can poke a stick at.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Bang A Gong (Get It On)’ by T-Rex _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVEhDrJzM8E>

 

“I knew you were a T-Rex kind of a guy.”  Elsa shook her head at the album he was playing and sat down on the floor in front of his record collection and started to flip through them.  “There is an altogether alarming amount of glam rock in your collection Kester.”  She spoke with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, her eyes focussed on his impressive vinyl collection. 

“Only alarming if you’re a square babe.”  He joked as he sat down beside her and lit a cigarette. 

“Oh god.”  She groaned and he laughed all the more at her response, “You’re the square.”  She returned with a straight face.  He handed her the bottle of red wine and she raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“Or are you too square for it?”  He teased with a cheeky grin.

“How much of a hangover do you want me to have?”  She chuckled.

“Well that’s the deal you made when you agreed to commiserate the demise of yet another one of my relationships.”

“Don’t you have a bunch of blokes you could drink with for that?”

“They’re tomorrow night.”  He took a swig of wine, “You’re my emergency first aid.”

“How thrilling for me.”  Elsa answered drolly. 

“Well, you did choose to come over… So now you’re stuck!”  He laughed.

“Possibly one of the biggest mistakes of my life to date.”

“Well, then it’s fair to say that your mistakes are not nearly as terrible as mine.”  He raised his eyebrows and drew on his cigarette regretfully. 

“So what’s a mistake that is playing on your mind, other than your girlfriend, of course?”

“Oh so many.  I remember there was a particular piece of advice that I gave Rae, that I really wish I could take back.  But I know it’s best that I don’t.”

“Oh yeah?  And are you allowed to tell me what that advice was?”  She finally accepted the proffered bottle of red wine and drank straight from the bottle like he had been.

“I told her that she couldn’t fix other people until she fixed herself.”  Kester grimaced and took the bottle of wine back.

“That’s just fucking terrible advice.”  Elsa replied as she had expected nothing else from Kester.  “First off people are not things to get broken, so there is no fixing involved.  Secondly, you imply that it’s her job to fix other people.  And last you tell her that she can only be perfect before she can help people she loves!”  Elsa shook her head, “if that’s the case then you’re woefully underqualified to help people.”

“Ah yes, I forgot how good you are for my ego.”  She gave him a teasing grin and pulled out an album to look out.  “I was meaning to tell her that she needed to look after herself, because if you don’t look after yourself you have nothing left in the tank to help the people you love.”

“Then why not just say that?  That’s a perfectly excellent sentence.”

“Because I was being a psychologist, and we often think in terms of fixing things.”

“There you go again talking about human beings like they’re things.”  She gave him an unimpressed look.  “Human beings cannot be broken.  We can be scarred, we can be hurt.  We can feel like we are broken… But we cannot be.  When you think about fixing us, it implies that there is a finite end to the growth of humanity, to the growth of the individual.  There is no end to human growth, not until we die.”  She shrugged and took the bottle again.

“I know, but sometimes you just need to feel like there’s an end to the struggle.  Especially when you’re exhausted, and you feel like you’re drowning.”  Elsa considered this for a moment.

“I understand the urge to offer comfort to people.  But it feels to me to be a very cruel way to offer comfort; it’s like throwing them a life vest to put their faith in, only to reveal the life vest is made of cotton, not some sort of buoyant material.”  Kester lit his second cigarette from the butt of the first and nodded slowly.

“I told you it was a mistake.”  He muttered.  Deciding to change the topic, Elsa lit another cigarette.

“I gave her some questionable advice too.”

“You?”  Kester asked, “I find that hard to believe.”

“I may have accidentally told her to find comfort in food… I didn’t know she had a binge eating problem.”

“Ah.”  Kester said thoughtfully, “Well food is inherently comforting isn’t it?  It keeps us alive.”  He lit Elsa’s cigarette for her, “So whenever we feel dead inside, or like something is killing us, or like we’re struggling… food reminds us that we are alive, it comforts us in a very intimate way…”  He thought about that for a while, “And that’s ok as long as we don’t get addicted to it, or use it too much or do it thoughtlessly as a habit…”  He said all of this to avoid talking in specific detail about Rae’s case.  “I’ll keep an eye on that.  Thanks.”  She nodded and pulled out another record and held two up to him.

“T-Rex or Bowie?”

“Now that’s a hard fucking ask!”  Kester chuckled.  She gave him a teasing grin and nodded towards the records, indicating that he would have to choose no matter how hard it was.

“Well, I do love Bowie, but have had a lot more sex to T-Rex, so I think I have to choose them.”

“Oh God.  Just imagine having sex to T-Rex!”  Elsa laughed, trying to imagine a young Kester in platforms, tight pants, and perhaps a sequenced neckerchief.  She laughed as she pulled out another two albums at random.

“Susie Quatro or Gary glitter?”  She narrowed her eyes are Kester as he considered, “you shouldn’t even have to think about this.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Susie all the way.”  She gave him an approving look and pulled another two records out.

“Queen or Bowie?”  She asked with a devilish glint in her eye.

“Oh now that’s a hard one.  I couldn’t possibly choose.”

“Alright, that’s your one free pass.”  She warned him and pulled out another two records.  “Stevie wonder or Lou Reed?”

“Do you know I haven’t listened to that Stevie Wonder album in years?”  He took it from her and looked at the back, his fingers running down the track listing.

“Why not?”  She asked, “It’s an amazing album.”

“Yeah I remember…”  Kester laid back on the floor and drew heavily on his cigarette.

“I feel like there’s a bit of a tale with this one?”  Elsa looked around his apartment, there were a few boxes near the entrance to the bedroom; signs of his girlfriend moving out.

“Yeah, there’s a bit of a tale.”  Kester answered evasively.  “Never really talked to anyone about it.”

“Your job is to make people talk about things that hurt them, and yet you don’t…” She shook her head and lay down putting her feet up on the lounge.  “You don’t think that’s a little…”

“Yeah, I know hypocritical.”  Kester grinned and looked at her, “you’re very fond of calling me that.”

“Well, I’d stop if you’d stop being it.”  Elsa shrugged.  “I suppose we’re all hypocritical really.”  She sat up slightly to have a swig of red wine and then laid back down.  “So, are you gonna tell me this tale?”

“I thought you weren’t my fucking therapist?”  He teased.

“I’m not.  But I am your friend.”  Elsa reached over and took Kester’s hand.  “And that’s what friends do.”

“When my ex-wife and I bought our first house, the first album I played was this one.”  He looked at the track listing again, “I remember being so happy that I finally got the sound system up and working.  And I put this album on, and she was cooking pasta in the kitchen… And we danced in the kitchen, making out… fucking on the kitchen bench… The pasta ended up sticking to the bottom of the pot…” He chuckled as he remembered how disappointed his wife had been that the first meal she had cooked in their new home had been ruined.  She had gotten over it fairly quickly when she found out she was pregnant the next day.

“Sounds like a wonderful memory.”  Elsa knew that that meant that this story was about to head downhill rapidly.

“She was about two months pregnant when we got the house.  But we didn’t know until after we moved in.  It was a surprise pregnancy…” Kester set up to grab a long swig of red wine.  “We had been intending to start a family in a couple of years time anyway, so it was a welcome surprise.”

“So what went wrong?”

“I wasn’t a very good partner… I never have been.  I am too invested in my work.”  He took a deep breath, “but when I was younger, I thought I was so much more supportive than I actually was.  But that’s jumping ahead… When we found out that we were having a baby, it was truly one of the happiest moments of my life.  I remember being so excited about making a nursery and we painted the spare room, and we bought a crib, and we bought a pram, and we bought everything… Clothes… Nappies… We were ready for our little bundle of joy.”  Hearing the tone of sorrow in Kester’s voice told Elsa what was to come.  “He was stillborn.”  The pain in Kester’s voice was almost overwhelming and Elsa took her feet off the lounge and rolled over onto her side to look at his face.

“I’m so sorry…”

“We had no warning that he was dead.  It was the early 80s and prenatal care wasn’t really a thing.  They induced her when the pregnancy had gone on longer than expected…”  Kester stared at the ceiling, wishing that after all these years he had come to terms with this, but he had not.  “My son was born, the perfect baby, he was so beautiful… And still and silent… They had no idea why he died.”  Elsa squeezed his hand and listened silently, “but they say he had died at about eight months.”  Elsa squeezed his hand.  “I think we never recovered from that.  Two years later she had a miscarriage.  She started to have problems with not wanting to have sex… And I treated her like a patient rather than my wife.”  He lit another cigarette, “and a few years after that she left.  It was a slow and horrible disintegration of a relationship I thought would be with me for the rest of my life.  That was my first wife… My second wife… I haven’t even signed the divorce papers with her yet and my girlfriend is moving out.”  He shook his head, “I am too focused on my work and I never give enough to the women I’m with, who quite frankly deserve much better and give me everything.”  He sighed, “I think it’s a bachelor’s life for me.”

“Or you could just learn to have a work life balance.”

“How do you have a work life balance when people’s lives are literally in your hands?”  Kester turned onto his side to look at, “every time I’ve been sleeping on the job, someone died or someone got hurt… And these are kids we’re talking about… I have a responsibility to them.”

“You do also have a responsibility for yourself.”  Elsa reminded him, “when you’re not taking care of yourself, you basically become an alcoholic.  And that certainly won’t help your kids.”  She deliberately reminded him of the advice he had been trying to give Rae and he nodded, understanding what she was doing.

“I do have to learn to be kinder to myself.”  Kester acknowledged.

“It’s totally okay for you to spend some time focusing on yourself.”  She squeezed his hand again.  “Okay think this calls for a change of topic!  Let’s talk about…” Elsa tried to think of a topic that couldn’t possibly be sad.

“Do you have anything like that in your past?”

“Of course I do.  Everyone has horrible things in the past.  None of mine are baby related mind you… I literally have no intention of ever having a child.”

“Seems odd you’d be a teacher then.”

“I don’t mind human beings once they’re capable of thinking and talking… I do mind the whole idea of changing nappies and waking in the middle of the night to a screaming child and no longer having any freedom and everyone deciding they can give me advice about said child and having another person grow inside of me, displacing all of my organs before squeezing out of my vagina… I object pretty firmly to all of that.”  She nodded and sat up to put an album on.

“Well, when you put it like that, parenthood does seem a little-”

“Utterly ridiculously stupid.”  Elsa interjected as she put the needle on the vinyl.

“Oh…” Kester took a moment to really appreciate the album Elsa had put on and grinned widely, “I had some good sex to this album.”

“I don’t think you’ve lived if you haven’t fucked to a glam rock song!”  Elsa laughed.

“Tell me about the first time you had sex to a glam rock song.”  Kester sat up and drank some more wine.

“Well, that was my first husband when I was a teenager… And it was playing in the car while we fucked on the back seat.  He was a horrible human being, but god he knew how to fuck.”  She made a noise in the back of her throat and took the bottle from Kester.  “But his cock always smelled slightly like a urinal… And he always wanted head.”  Kester scrunched up his nose in response.  “It’s always the thing isn’t it?  Guys tell us ladies that our cunts smell but no one ever tells guys that their cocks smell.”

“I’ve met a lot of people who think ‘their shit don’t stink,’ as the saying goes, and unfortunately for my sex, most of them seem to be men.”  Kester shook his head, “your ex-husband was a bad person, did you have sex with any decent people to glam rock?”

“Of course I have.”  She lit another cigarette, she was gonna wake up tomorrow sounding like a 60-year-old man with a head throbbing like a rock star.  “There was this unbelievably sexy man, his name was Andrew, he’s a model; still see him in magazines sometimes.  Perfect ratio between his shoulders and arse, just the right amount of muscle, a vagina that always smelled like candy apple, and the most stunning green eyes I’ve ever seen.  He’s bisexual and I had so many threesomes with him, I don’t even know where to begin!”

“Right, so he was transgender?”

“Yeah, and very open about it; he does heaps of nude shoots.”

“In my experience, it’s quite rare for a trans person to be so confident; society is very cruel and oppressive towards them… It’s really good to hear such a positive story.  Has he had the reassignment surgery yet?”

“Probably not; he really loves his vagina.  He had the top surgery done ages ago, he talks about it very openly… You know I could get you guys to meet up, he’s all for educating people… Which I really admire because he shouldn’t have to, and the vast majority of people are just dicks.  And I wouldn’t be as graceful in his position.  I frequently am not graceful when people try to give me shit for being a woman or being fat.”

“Yeah,but there’s a difference between advocacy and response to oppression.  Both are valid and important.”

“Oh, I know, I just find it very hard to be as eloquent and graceful as you need to be when you are advocating, when some dipshit is literally threatening to kill or rape you just for existing as your authentic self.  It’s hard enough to play nice when someone is just sending a bit of hate your way, but some of the stuff that comes out of people’s mouths Kester… They’re lucky I’m calm enough to not thump the shit out of them.”

“I bet they deserve it…” He gave a cheeky grin.

“Now I never would have thought to hear you say something like that!”  She laughed and he shrugged.

“There’s lots of things about me you wouldn’t expect.”

“Oh yeah?  Surprise me!”  She teased.

“Alright,” he accepted the challenge, “were talking about having sex to glam rock?”  He asked with a look that told her he had something up his sleeve.  “When I was 17 I snuck into a party that was happening at some club in Manchester.  We were there visiting family…”  He added, “At that party I met a very lovely 17 year old boy.”

“Oh!”  Elsa laughed, “Got some experimentation in your past hey?” 

“I like glam rock!”  He laughed, “So of course!  I had a great night with him, and I woke up the next morning with a body covered in glitter and a broken heart.”  Kester grinned, “He’d disappeared.  And I’d fallen so in love with him…” He shook his head, “Ah young love.”  He drank some wine and laid back down, “After that I spent as much time as possible going to clubs and falling in love with all the wrong girls… and the occasional boy.  Until I met Kelly.  Who I ended up marrying.” 

“Is ‘falling in love’ a euphemism for fucking Kester?”  Elsa teased again.

“Not every time.”  He replied with a grin. 

“But often enough.”  She answered astutely.

“Yes, often enough.” 

“So after Kelly…?”

“I had a couple of girlfriends before I met my second wife.  And then after her it was just straight into my now ex-girlfriend.”

“Maybe you need a boyfriend not a girlfriend.”  Kester looked up at her.

“I hadn’t really thought about it.”  He admitted, “It’s been a long while since I experimented like that!”  He chuckled.  Elsa shrugged.

“It’s not as hard as you imagine it’ll be easy to get back into the swing of it.”  She told him, “So what happened with your girlfriend, she seemed nice.”

“She is.  Very nice.  But she, quite rightly, points out that I am married to my work.  She wanted me to change more than I’m willing to.  You always make compromises in a relationship, but she asked for too much.  I guess I’m too stuck in my ways.  And you know, fuck it!  I like who I am.  So I told her we had to end it.  And she agreed; I think she had been wanting to end it for a while.”

“Seems like a legitimate reason to split to me.  I never compromise on who I am.  Not for anyone.” 

“You know, I think when you’re younger you have more energy for that kind of thing… you bend and flow for the person you’re with.  But when you get older… I’m just really sick of it.”

“I understand.”  Elsa nodded, “if people don’t love me for who I am, they can fuck off.”

“Yeah.”  Kester grinned, “So really, I just finally took my own advice.”  He said philosophically, “She didn’t love me for who I am… so I rather politely told her to fuck off.”  She swigged on wine and he lit another cigarette, “You know, you change throughout your life, you grow and adapt, and you need someone who loves you at your core… so they can love you as you go through everything.  She kept trying to change my core.  I’ll always be married to that job.  And like that about myself.”

 

 

 

 

_ ‘You Gotta Be’ by Des’ree _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pO40TcKa_5U>

 

“You’re only seeing him to piss me off.”  He snarked and Chloe rolled her eyes as she stuffed clothes in her bag. 

“No dad, I had no idea just how racist y’are afore I started going out with Rhys… it’s been an unpleasant discovery, to say the least.”  Chloe looked over at Rae who was sitting on the bed.  Everyone was trying to travel in at least pairs nowadays and Chloe and Rae were hanging out this afternoon while Finn had football practice and Rhys worked.  Rae’s shifts at Curvy girl on a budget had been changed to Thursdays for late night shopping and Sunday morning; she had the store to herself then and did the opening.  She had been working Tuesdays up until last week.  Now that she had Tuesdays free she and Chloe decided to spend every second one together, and the alternate one at the game with Izzy and Bethany.  Macca was trying to get his detention moved from Tuesdays, but no one liked his chances.  He did manage to get the football start time delayed, so he could play the second half of the match after he raced to the playing fields from detention.

Today Rae and Chloe were grabbing some more clothes for Chloe to take to Rhys’s house, and then hanging out at Rae’s house. 

“I’m not racist Chloe!”  His voice was raised and Rae flinched.  But Chloe turned on him.

“Can you actually even hear yourself?”  She spat at him.

“I’m paying him to do your self-defence classes aren’t I?”  He sounded exasperated at her, like he thought she was an idiot.  There was a time when that tone used to really upset Chloe.  But not anymore. 

“As you should.”  She retorted.

“I could have insisted that you be taught by that white homosexual.”  Jarred said simply, the undertone of anger still there.

“That white homosexual?”  Chloe asked, “Well I know a few white gay people dad so you’ll have to be more specific.”  She went over to her desk and retrieved some jewellery.  She’d put her plan to educate her father on the backburner for now; the issue of Ian was pressing in on her psyche too much to take on that monumental task as well.  With school, worrying about Rae and her other friends, fearing Ian and falling more in love with Rhys, she barely had any time for anything else.  When she got rid of Ian she could deal with her father and then her mother.  Her mother, at least was actually trying… it was painful and still racist… but there was an attempt being made, so she wasn’t as important to educate as her father. 

“Oh I don’t know his name.  He’s with Archie.”

“You mean Tom.”  She said brusquely and turned to Rae, “It’s his birthday tomorrow.”  She grinned.

“Weren’t it Rhys’s yester?”  Rae asked and Chloe nodded, “Thank fu-” Rae stopped herself from swearing remembering that Chloe’s father was still in the doorway, “Cos I got him a little something.”  Rae finished with an awkward grin.

“You know he don’t expect that.”  Chloe answered.

“I get all me friends a little something Chlo.”  Rae answered, noticing how Chloe was trying to dismiss her father by ignoring him and trying to help out by keeping this ridiculous chit-chat going.  “It’s funny those two being such good mates and being born two days apart.”

“And a year, Tom’s older by a year.”  Chloe added as she grabbed some photos of the gang to put in her bag.

“What did you guys get up to after school?”

“Well not heaps cos of his work.”  Chloe said, “But I got him an nice little pressie and home made him a lovely dinner and a cake and then I read him poetry all night.”  She grinned, “He loves me reading to him.” 

“Sounds perfect.”  Rae grinned.

“He’s very easy to please.  I wish I could have taken him somewhere for a week for his birthday… but school and work…”  She sighed.  “Next year though, I’m gonna figure out where he wants to go and I’m making it happen!”  She asserted and grabbed some underwear from her top draw. 

“I forbid you to leave the house with more clothing Chloe.  You said you were not moving in permanently with that man.”  Her father said as Chloe zipped up her bag.  Chloe gave Rae a look, and she understood perfectly.  Chloe rounded on her father and started yelling to him; telling him he couldn’t forbid her from doing anything and she would simply move all of her things out if he continued to push her like this.  Rae quietly picked up the bag of Chloe’s clothing and edged from the room as if embarrassed by the fight.  Chloe was reminding her father that she had been attacked by Ian twice while at this house when Rae made it to the top of the stairs and headed down them, glad that Chloe’s mother was out grocery shopping. 

 

 

Moments later Chloe came to the car and got in.  Rae gave her a grin.

“Alright?”  She asked and Chloe nodded.

“He used to really upset me,” Chloe said as Rae started the engine and backed down the driveway.  “I don’t know what it is Rae, but I’ve just got no time or energy for his shit anymore.”  She said, “I keep telling myself it’ll be different when this stuff with Ian is sorted out… but I dunno, you know?”  She sighed, “I keep thinking I should feel bad cos he me dad… but I just don’t.”

“You know Chlo, I used to be right jealous of you having a dad.”  Rae said, “But the one thing that finding and contacting my father has taught me is that it’s ok to cut poisonous people out of your life, even if they’re your blood.”  Rae kept her eyes on the road but reached out to take Chloe’s hand, “It’s ok to take care of yourself and banish people who hurt you or Rhys, to the outer solar system.”  Rae said. 

“Outer solar system!”  Chloe laughed.

“It’s a thing Kester and I worked on when I felt guilty for not getting back to me dad when he wrote me.  He said, we are the sun of our own universe and everyone else is our planets…”

“So the world really does revolve around me!”  Chloe chuckled.

“Well your world does, aye.”  Rae grinned, “And that’s alright, cos it’s your world.  “The point is, Rhys is like the closest planet, and me and all the gang are the next planet…”

“Uh huh.”  Chloe disagreed, “You’re equal to Rhys for me Rae.”  Chloe squeezed Rae’s hand, “And that gang o’ losers,” She chuckled, “They’re fucking to close to being as close to me as you are, you know?”  Rae nodded.

“Maybe we’re an asteroid belt or something, I dunno.  But we’re all real close to you.  And then you’ve got the middle range people, and then…”

“Those that are at the farthest reaches of my galaxy.”  Chloe grinned.

“Sometimes you just gotta put people out there, cos they’re killing you a bit.”  Rae said, “But you can bring them back in closer, later on… if they deserve it.  And some people you just gotta push out of your gravitational field forever.”  Rae continued, “The whole point of this metaphor is that it’s ok to take care of yourself.  Even if it means pissing off your dad, or not taking to him… or even banishing him from your solar system.  If he’s fucking up your sun… your light… he don’t deserve to be in your world.”  Chloe felt better and nodded thoughtfully. 

“I guess we always get these ideas that we’re supposed to be with family forever, no matter what… but if they’re poison, or abusive, or… well, you gotta do what’s right for yourself.”  Chloe went over the thoughts in her mind.  They pulled up into Rae’s driveway; it wasn’t a long drive, but neither of them felt like taking the risk of coming across Ian without a car to get into.  They’d taken Chloe’s car but Rae had agreed to drive. 

Chloe followed Rae up to the door, leaving her bag in her car.

“Oh fuck!”  Rae banged her head against the door.

“What is it?” 

“I grabbed your keys and not mine.”  Rae groaned.  Ever since Karim had put the new locks on the door, she’d been in the habit of taking keys with her when she left the house; the door locked automatically, and you could also chain and deadbolt it manually from inside if you wanted.  They’d all been locked out a couple of times when they’d first gotten the locks put in; they’d all learned since then. 

“Oh shit!”  Chloe laughed. 

“Alright, have you got your spare?”

“You what?”  Chloe asked and Rae sighed.

“Me mum got Finn a spare key cut…”

“Oh that’s good!”

“But we’d already had one done.  So I told him to give the spare to you or Arch.”

“Oh right.”  Chloe sighed, “Well he didn’t give it to me.  I’m almost entirely certain he didn’t give it to Arch either; he would o’ bragged about it to me.”

“Ah the bastard probably forgot.”  Rae sighed.  “It’ll still be in his fucking jeans pocket.”  She shook her head.  “Alright, down to the match it is!” 

“D’you wanna walk?”  Chloe asked as Rae handed her her keys.

“Sounds good.”  They started heading up the road, Chloe lacing her arm through Rae’s.

“Rae can I ask…?” Chloe looked at her best friend, “Why did you really hurt yourself?”  Rae looked down at the road.

“There so many reason Chlo.  You having a dad was one of ‘em.”  Chloe furrowed her brows sympathetically, “You remember when we hurt ourselves coming down the stairs on-”

“Boxes!”  Chloe laughed.

“Yeah it were fun.”  Rae noticed the way Chloe laughed at her fond memory.  “You remember how your father reached over me to pick you up to comfort you?”  Chloe stopped laughing immediately.

“I hadn’t thought about it… it were just… something I expected him to do.” 

“And it were something I never had.  And I don’t mean to make you feel bad for having things.”  Rae said, remembering what Chloe had said to her about that once, “but growing up next to you was so hard.”  Rae shook her head, “You’re beautiful and thin… and you got money, and you’re mum’s not mental, and your dad… well he’s present.”  Chloe considered this silently, “I didn’t realise though that your life were still pretty shit.”  Chloe gave her a grateful smile, “Because being beautiful and thin, is no guarantee of self-esteem or self-love, and sure society doesn’t hate you like it does me… but we still both get preyed on by fucked up guys.  And you get guys wanting you as a fucking trophy, so you’d never be quite sure if they loved you or your body.”

“I’m so glad I met Rhys.”

“Me too.”  Rae said “You and me are two different sides of the same coin Chlo.”  Rae said, “we’ve both had shit.  Your mum starved you to control you and make you be thin… my mum used food to comfort me when she couldn’t handle the world herself.  Your dad’s a turd.  My dad’s a turd.”  Rae shrugged.  “But back then… we was growing apart, and I missed you.  But I figured that I deserved to lose you… cos I’m fat and ugly.  I felt like I were utterly worthless cos me own dad didn’t bother to stay in contact with me.”  Rae said softly, “Maybe I were a disappointment to him… I hated myself Chlo.  I really just loathed everything about me.  I felt wrong in me own skin.”  Chloe pulled her closer and squeezed the arm she held on to.  “When everything hurts so much it’s just like white noise in your head… I just needed it to stop.  Just for a minute.”  Chloe didn’t take her eyes of Rae as she spoke so honestly, “And you know, my body was worth shit, so what difference did it make anyway?”  She looked up at Chloe.  “It helped the pain.”  She said simply and shrugged.  “But I don’t do that anymore for dealing with pain…”

“So what do you do?”  Chloe asked.

“I go to therapy.”  Rae answered, “and I learn new coping strategies and I talk it out with Kester.”

“So are you better now Rae?  Cos you seem a lot better…”

“I am a lot better Chlo.”  Rae said, “But that part o’ me… it’s always there, just under the surface, threatening to come back.  You know sometimes, when I think about Phillip… I think about that pantry door in the kitchen, with all that food behind it…”  She sighed, “But I don’t binge eat anymore.”  Rae said, “I go to therapy.” 

“Rae I need to tell you something…” Chloe whispered, terrified of setting Rae off.

“You and Phil slept together.”  Rae said.

“How did you know?”  She asked bewildered.

“I caught some of the looks you gave each other.”  Rae shrugged, “He’s not mine Chloe.  It’s ok.”

“We had a couple of… meetings.”  Chloe said, “But in the end, he felt that it weren’t right cos he were friends with me and we cared about each other, but he were in love with me best mate.”  Chloe shook her head, “So we stopped a while ago now… a couple o’ weeks afore drama camp I think.”  Chloe said, “He never felt quite right about it.”  She said, “I think he feels very loyal to you in that regard.”  Rae furrowed her brows, “But I just thought that you had Finn and wouldn’t care… had I known you had such deep feelings for him Rae, I would of never…”  Chloe shook her head.

“I know.”  Rae turned to her.  “I know Chlo, it’s fine.  I’m not upset at either of you.  Although we do seem to have the same taste in men.”  She grinned and Chloe laughed, relieved.  “He’s not mine in anyway. You’re free to…”

“No.”  Chloe shook her head.  “Rhys and I talked about this recently, we both feel it’s probably better to not fuck within your friendship group unless you’re damn certain it’s not gonna cause ripples.” 

“God Rhys is a good looking fella.”  Rae shook her head in bewilderment over how someone could be so sexy and made a noise of appreciation in the back of her throat.

“You know it seems unfair that I’ve… done stuff with two guys you’re in to. But you haven’t had a go at Rhys.”  Chloe laughed.  “You should know, that if you ever wanted to and he wanted to, I wouldn’t object.”

“Oh that’s nice.”  Rae grinned.

“I mean it.”  Chloe said, “But other than that, I think I’m with Rhys about staying away from friends.”

“So how is it in an open relationship?”  Rae asked and Chloe grinned.

“It’s really good.”  She answered, “Although the first time Rhys went with someone else I nearly fucking died of jealousy!”  She laughed.  “It was some gorgeous guy and I was still worrying about my own worth.  But I had told him I was ready.  And it turned out that I was.  After the initial jealousy settled I realised that I was really excited for him to live up to his full sexuality and enjoy men, which I know he does.  I got really keen for him to have as much pleasure and happiness as he could.”

“Wow.”  Rae wasn’t sure if that would happen if she saw Finn with someone else.

“But you know I had to do a lot of work unlearning what society tells us about relationships.  Now I’m totally fine with him enjoying other people; I do too, and we still have the same amount of sex with each other.”  Chloe shrugged, “It works quite brilliantly for us.”  Rae nodded her head slowly, “It wouldn’t work for a lot of people though.”  She added, “A lot of people are very invested in the idea of monogamy.”  She shrugged, “But I just think; whatever makes you happy, you know?”

“Consenting adults and all that.”  Rae agreed.

“But you know, I do worry about some girls getting pressure into things like this cos o’ the way we’re raised to please men…” Chloe sighed, “It’s never just an easy answer, there’s always layers and context and someone’s always gonna judge your decisions no matter what you do.”  They stopped to cross the road.  “Are you thinking of opening up your relationship?”  Chloe asked.

“No.”  Rae answered instantly.

“Oh.”  Chloe wondered if she should say anything, but decided to go with it, “I thought that with Phil...?”

“Well that wouldn’t be open.”  Rae answered, “That would be a hideously unfair threesome in which I force two guys who for most of the last 18 months have hated each other, into playing nice so I could have them both.”  She shook her head, “I’m not sure I fully believe their friendship, you know?”

“Yeah, I think at first it was a little strained, a little put on.  But I think now that they genuinely like each other.  Some of the private little moments I’ve seen them have… the conversations.  They are mates Rae.”  Rae shrugged.

“Doesn’t change how unfair it is.”  Rae answered, “Why do I get to have everything?”  She said, “Why then doesn’t Phil get to have you too?”

“Well cos Phil and I don’t love each other the way you and Phil-”

“Alright and why doesn’t Finn get to have Elsa too?”  Chloe shrugged. 

“Well probably cos she’s a teacher and-”

“The point is, I’m getting everything that I want if we did that Chlo.  And I don’t deserve to get everything I want.”

“Why not?”  Chloe sked honestly.

“Cos no one gets everything they want.”

“You won’t be getting everything you want even if you had both of them.”  Chloe said astutely, “This isn’t about that… this is about you think you don’t deserve the love of two good lads.” 

“Alright.”  Rae admitted, “I don’t understand how one of ‘em loves me like they do.  But I’ve done a lot of therapy, and I’m willing to accept that alright… maybe one person can love me that much… but two?”  She shook her head.  “And I feel like someone else in the world could be getting that love and I should stop hogging it.”

“Ok one, you deserve to be loved, by as many people as do love you.  And two, you didn’t force Phil to love you.  He just does love you, cos you’re so fucking amazing and beautiful in every way.”  Rae looked up at Chloe with a grateful smile, “So you’re not hogging all the love.  Even if Phil hadn’t loved you, there’s no guarantee he’d end up in a permanent relationship with you or anyone else anyway.  And besides, the world isn’t actually made up of duos.  Maybe your threesome will make a nice even number split for the people living in a fivesome.  And maybe it won’t.”  She shrugged, “You’re not responsible for everyone else’s love life.” 

“Thanks Chlo.”  Rae gave her a smile and hugged the arm she was holding harder for a moment.  “Anyway tell me more about Paris.”

“I can’t believe it’s already been over two weeks since I was there!”  Chloe bemoaned, “Paris in autumn is so freakin’ romantic Rae.  Nothing will ever match it.”  She grinned, “The Eiffel tower is beautiful, but the queues are horrible!”  She laughed.  “Oh Rae, there’s so many places in the world I wanna see.”  She said wistfully, “I always used to think I’d stay in Stamford forever.  But I know I won’t now.” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Aeroplane’ by Red Hot Chilli Peppers _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khfv_5Dyb1k>

 

Finn grinned as Rae beat him at noughts and crosses again.  They were sitting on the back seat of the bus.  Phil next to Rae, was talking to Chloe, Izzy and Bryn who shared the back seat with them.  Kristi and Stacia were sitting on the seat in front of them, and Kurt and Sam on the other seat.  And they were having a great time chatting on the bus on the way to London.  The entire class was going; it was time for the one hour play. 

Rae had gotten out her diary and two pens, blue for him, black for her, and they’d played noughts and crosses, pulling out a piece of paper to do it.  She decided to play one game on the front of diary and drew it up.  As soon as they finished, Finn noticed a single jigsaw piece, he drew another one, interlocking with it perfectly and she grinned. 

“D’you know girl…”  Finn whispered to her, “I really feel like going down.”  He drew a downward facing arrow on her diary and she grinned again.  “Every time I think about going down, I’m gonna draw an arrow on your diary.”

“Won’t you end up covering it?”  She asked saucily. 

“Probably, unless I get distracted from my dirty thoughts.”

Rae found she didn’t particularly want to distract him from that thought at all. 

 

 

Elsa had hired two massive dormitory rooms in a youth hostel.  One for boys and one for girls.  They had rehearsals on the stage today and tomorrow was the competition for the one hour play.  Rae was directing the play and knew almost every line in it.  Izzy had declined to act and instead had done costumes, Bryn had been in charge of their props and set.  Chloe was the lead female, and Phil the lead male, with Finn as the secondary male lead.  For Phil and Rae it was exciting to see something they had written being performed on a stage like this.  The play was based roughly on Macbeth but was set in the drug world.  The entire class was here, and the general excitement levels were through the stratosphere.  There were only five schools in the first round; there were five rounds.  Two would be chosen from each round to progress to the next level in two weeks time; early December.  And ten would progress to the final in mid to late December.  Hundreds of scripts from schools all over the UK had been considered and getting to even perform the script was an honour.  Izzy was busy sewing Phil into the skin tight shirt; her vision for the play had been quite sexy, while everyone else went over lines and Rae and Bryn checked out the stage together.  Finn had gone up into the catwalks, having already learned a lot about the tech side of theatre from helping with the rehearsals of ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead,’ so he changed the lights for them quickly and expertly; the spots were too wide and fuzzy and the green wash was too blue so he changed the gels.  He really enjoyed doing tech work in the theatre, but Izzy was angrily stomping her foot for him to get down from up there and get his costume sewn on, Phil was standing beside her checking if his range of motion had been compromised by how tight his clothes were. 

“Looking sexy Phil!”  Finn called down from the catwalk.  Everyone chuckled; the class working together as a proper cast.  They all chimed in with their agreement and Izzy was blushing from the compliments over her costumes while Phil rolled his eyes and shook his head at Finn. 

“Oh my!”  Rae said when Chloe came out onto the stage in her gorgeous and very sexy dress.  Another round of compliments went around as everyone hurried to set up the stage, backstage area and get dressed.

“Hurry it up guys!”  Elsa said, “We don’t get long in here!”  She turned to Rae, “You want me in the biobooth or on the cans?”

“Biobooth.”  Rae answered, “I’ll do cans.”  Elsa nodded and headed up to the biobooth.  Rae wouldn’t be on the cans at the prompt box for this run through; she had to see how they all looked on the stage.  If she had orders for anyone she’d have to yell them out rather than use the backstage speakers attached to the prompt box in this theatre.  The biobooth had a similar microphone too; they called it the voice of god because it could be directed into the audience too.  They watched Finn being sewn into his costume and Elsa went through the lighting cues quickly, learning the light and sound board configuration in a matter of minutes. 

It was a frenetic and excited energy, everyone was supportive of each other and everyone was optimistic.  There was no teasing, no animosity.  It was a good class this year.  Even Amy was getting along with everyone pretty well, although it was a little tense around anyone from the gang, everyone had agreed to get the good vibes in drama going and they worked at making everything stay positive. 

“Alright!”  Rae called out and the stage was cleared with Izzy still sewing Finn in; she’d have to do it in the dark in the wings.  They weren’t allowed into the change rooms until tomorrow when the competition started.  Elsa had been unimpressed because there didn’t seem to be a real reason for it.  “Lights!”  Rae called out and Elsa dropped the stage and house lights.  There was a short pause and then Elsa bought the stage lights back up, 50% light with a red wash background.  Finn had designed the lighting and she had been impressed with his vision for it; they played off Bryn’s sets perfectly. 

Bryn settled into the seat next to Rae and looked at his sets. 

“Stage left needs to move more central.”  He muttered, noting the unsymmetrical placement of the flats and Rae nodded her head. 

“But they look great Bryn.”

“Ta muchly.”  He grinned as he watched Phil and Finn enter downstage right, their lines commencing as if they were already halfway through a deep conversation.  “Those two look great together on stage.” Bryn noted, “Perfect hero and villain!”  He grinned.  Rae looked at them closely, trying to stop her mind from thinking about how sexy they both were and all the naked things she’d done with both of them, and instead tried to think about direction.

“Louder this is a 1400 seat theatre.”  Elsa said over the loud speakers; the voice of god.  “You’re not miked.”  She reminded them.  The three witches entered and Rae grinned at Chloe’s makeup. 

“Fuck we got a talented class.”  Rae whispered and Bryn nodded.

“I’ll be so sad to see you guys go.”  He said, “I wish we could all start a business together.”  He sighed.  Rae looked over at him and considered it.

“Maybe one day.”  She grinned.

“We could call it Earl Theatre Productions.”  Bryn whispered as they watched.  Rae gave him a quizzical look, “Well who else would be at the helm?  Look at how you’ve united this class.  You’re a star girl.”  Rae felt a rush of pride as she considered this.

“I mean it’s a good bunch o’ people.”  She tried to reason but Bryn just shrugged.

“You could have easily and rightfully alienated Amy.”  He reminded her and she grinned in the darkness.

“Shut up you!”  She shook her head, “I’m s’pose to be directing!”  She took a few notes about stage placement and characterisation.  A woman from the front office of the theatre opened the door letting light in from outside.  Rae and Bryn looked at her approaching them; the actors were complete professionals and continued. 

“Stamford High?”  She asked Rae and Rae nodded, “There’s an urgent phone call for a Chloe,” She looked down at the paper to remember the surname.

“What is it?”  Rae stood up.

“Her father’s had a heart attack.” 

“Oh shit.”  She heard Bryn say behind her.

“Stop!”  Rae called down to the audience and instantly headed down to the backstage area, the admin woman following her.  She found Chloe out and pulled her aside.

“What is it babe?”  Chloe asked, obviously confused.

“Chlo…” Rae swallowed hard trying to think of the best way to say it.

“Your father’s had a heart attack dear; your mother is sending Rhys, I think that’s who she said, to pick you up.” 

“What?”  Chloe asked bewildered.  “What?”  She started to sound panicked, “Is he alright?”

“She said he was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.”

“Oh god.”  Chloe pushed past them and looked around, trying to figure out what she had to do next.  “I have to… I have to go…” 

Elsa appeared and Rae quickly filled her in. 

“Right well…” Elsa took charge, “Izzy you’ll need to adjust the costume to fit Rae, she knows the lines.”  She said immutably, “Chloe dear, you come with me.”  She put an arm over Chloe’s shoulders and looked at the admin woman.  “Give me the keys to the change rooms.”  She said in an almost menacing tone. 

“Of course.”  She stuttered and handed a key ring to Elsa, pointing out which key it was. 

“Rae’s in charge.  Finish your rehearsal.  Because we have learned in theatre that the show must go on.  And then go back to your room and run the lines again and again until Rae is up to speed.” 

“Break a leg guys.”  Chloe managed to say, her hand going out to Rae who took it momentarily before Elsa led Chloe to the backstage area. 

“Alright guys, you heard Elsa.”  Rae said, her heart thumping.  “We’ve gotta practice, we’ve got a show to put on for a competition tomorrow.  And even though we’re all worried for Chloe, this is what being a professional in this industry means.  The show must go on.  The show must always go on.  And we must always give our best.”  She had tears in her eyes, worrying for Chloe, but she turned to Bryn.  “Do you know how to run a biobooth?”

“Vaguely.”  He answered, “Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll have it.”  Izzy returned with Chloe’s dress and held it up to Rae. 

“You’ve got ten Bryn.”  Rae answered and he nodded and turned, walking at a fast pace up to the biobooth; you didn’t run in the theatre.  “Is this a possibility?”  Rae asked as she looked at the dress Chloe had been wearing.

“I’ve got enough spare material; it’s just knowing where to put the panels in.”  Rae nodded and turned back to the rest of the cast who all looked shell shocked.  “Ten minutes to re-set guys.”  She told them, “Phil, Finn, stay, give me a script, we run lines for this ten minutes.”  Everyone went in various directions; Izzy took measurements of Rae again and compared them to the dress, muttering under her breath.  Rae waited until Izzy had gone into the green room to pick apart the dress and resew it; there was a sewing machine back there, fortunately.  Rae turned to Phil and Finn.  There was no one else near them.  She held the script in her hand and looked down at it. 

“There’s a couple o’ fairly passionate kisses in this.”  She said, “There’s a bunch of innuendo about the kisses displaying what kind o’ sex they’re having… so we would have to change chunks o’ the script to take them out.”  Rae looked up at Finn, “Professional actors-”

“I know.”  He cut her off.  “I got it, it’s ok.”  Rae turned her eyes to Phil.

“Are you ok with it being me… after…”

“Well I didn’t think I’d ever be doing that ag-” He stopped and his eyes shot to Finn.  Finn nodded slowly.

“It’s alright, I figured you’d at least kissed… probably fucked…”  Neither Phil nor Rae had the slightest inclination to tell Finn if they had fucked or not, “I still don’t need to know the details about it… but you don’t need to dance around it.”  He looked at Rae and then Phil.  “I’m actually fine.”

“But seeing it…”  Phil said, “That’s different.”

“Aye.”  Finn nodded, “But this is acting.  We’re all actors… and we gotta do what we gotta do.”  He nodded to the script, “The show must go on girl.  Let’s line run.”  Rae turned her eyes back to Phil and he took a deep breath, obviously conflicted; this was going to be hard for him.  He would have to kiss her 5 times in this script, one of them had to be particularly sexual because it was just before they were going to have sex, although the stage lights would drop as they took each other’s clothes off, it would still be very intense.

“The show must go on.”  He agreed slowly and Rae nodded, jumping forward to the first lines she had. 

 

 

Ten minutes later they were starting their rehearsal again.  Rae waiting backstage, on the cans with Bryn and getting his input on the staging from where he was.  Elsa was waiting with Chloe for Rhys to make the long drive to London to get her.  Rae realised that she had to get out front to see what was happening and decided she’d just have to have no practice with her entrances and backstage movement.  She scooted back out into the audience and watched the action, looking for the actors hitting their marks, not showing too much of their sides of backs to the audience, volume, emotion.  She noticed that the scene between Finn and Phil was more electric now, and understood that it was because of the kiss scenes to come.  It was making them both anxious, but they were both channelling it well. 

When her first scene came she scooted onto the stage from the audience and went straight into it, working through the choreography of Duncan’s character slapping her a few times with Phil and Finn watching from the audience to see if it looked real; if the timing and movement was realistic. 

“Finn stay in the audience and see if the next scene looks good.”  She called in the blackout.  Izzy came to put the dress up against her, “You too Iz, go out into the audience and check this scene?  You’ve got a good directorial eye.”  Izzy nodded and jumped off the stage to go and sit with Finn. 

In this scene Rae’s character was urging Phil’s to kill Duncan; the head drug lord for all the abuse he did to her.  This scene ended with them undressing each other, but Rae didn’t have her dress yet, they wouldn’t be able to rehearse that until tonight in their rooms. 

Rae stood stage left in the blackout, waiting for lights up and being surprised at how well she knew the lines.  She tried to ignore the huge knot of anxiety in her stomach.  Finn was going to see her and Phil kissing.  And yes it was acting, and yes they were being professional, and yes the show must go on, and yes Finn said he was fine… But he was going to see it.  He was going to see how much she really did want Phil, because in order for this scene to be as good as it could be it needed that sexual spark, that fire… that fire that was far too easy for her to have with Phillip. 

The scene started and was immediately intense.  Phil was obviously feeling the tension and the desire to be able to kiss her again and this was pushing against his complete professionalism.  The tension in his frame was downright erotic. 

She dropped a line, but he picked it up with ease and fed her the next line as if she hadn’t made a mistake; they worked so well together they could easily see how to help each other on stage.  They snaked around each other, the distance between each other slowly closing as they spoke; Rae imploring Phil to kill Sam’s character; Duncan.  Phil telling her of the witches, who they had written as snitches and spies; the witches had told him that everyone wanted him to be the king of the drug world, that he has support and he could get away with it.  They came together centre stage, his upstage hand going to her head his downstage hand to her neck to not block her face from the audience; it was all marked out, they knew what to do.

“Once he’s dead my love, there will be no more sneaking around...”

“You’ll be my queen.”  And his lips were on hers.  Rae felt an instant upsurge of emotion and her hands went to his waist pulling him to her.  It was bad to be so close on stage; it blocked the sightlines, but she wasn’t thinking.  His kiss was deep and passionate, his pelvis instantly tilting into hers as she pulled him closer.  His arms embraced her; this was not the blocking they had planned for this kiss.  Phillip forgot where he was, he had her taste in his mouth again; something he had been sure he’d never experience again.  His tongue was deep in her mouth, his kiss was devouring her, and she was returning the ferocity.  They were breathless, small sounds of desire coming from them, kissing so deeply that the rest of the world disappeared.

“Holy moly…”  Izzy whispered beside Finn. 

Finn had felt a knot of trepidation as the lights had come up and Phil had entered, that predatory look in his eyes.  Finn found that he didn’t like people looking at Rae like she was prey.  He had seen that Phil was acting; the desire was too objectifying; that was how he and Rae had written the part.  Phil didn’t objectify Rae.  He could see that Rae was acting too; the character was shrewd and manipulative.  That wasn’t Rae.  He had mentally prepared himself to be unimpressed by the kiss.  But the fact that they had so obviously been acting before the kiss made Finn think it would be easier. 

And then the kiss happened. 

The initial touch of the lips had been in character, but it had taken only seconds for the characters to fall away from them and for them to be kissing each other genuinely. 

Finn had waited for the flare of jealousy.  Pain.  Anger.

And was deeply surprised that not only did they not come, but a different feeling all together came.

He was intrigued. 

It was interesting to see how her body moved when she was in pleasure, when she was filled with desire.  He recognised the sway in her hips, he had felt that against himself, but seeing it was a completely different thing.  He found it oddly interesting to see what pleasure looked like on her when he wasn’t so deeply concentrating on giving it to her. 

“Wow…” Izzy marvelled, “I wish someone would kiss me like that.”  She had completely forgotten Finn beside her; the kiss was so raw, intimate and pornographic that the entire class was completely hooked on watching. 

Finn knew he had kissed Rae like that, and he knew what came after kissing Rae like that.  It was a kiss they only did in private because it inevitably led to sex. 

He watched the way her body moved, and then his.  Phil moved in a similar way to Finn did, but not the same.  Finn cocked his head to the side and noticed that Phil’s hand had dropped to Rae’s lower back and a shiver of delight had gone through her body.  His eyebrows raised and he wondered if he should try that with her or if it would be weird.  Was that something she had with Phil, not him?

And seemingly simultaneously they both remembered where they were.  Neither stopped kissing; that would be losing character too obviously, but they dialled it back, and began to undress as they should according to the script and the marked blocking.  Bryn brought the lights down on them far slower than was necessary. 

They stopped kissing in the blackout, their foreheads touching.  He stroked her face and she put a hand to his chest.  There was so much they both wanted to say.  But there was no time, and what could they really say anyway?  He kissed her lips again, softly, achingly.  Neither of them said a word, they simply turned and went to either side of the stage to prepare for their next scenes. 

Izzy turned her eyes to Finn, but he had leaned back in the chair, his feet up on the chair in front of him. 

“You got too close, not so easy to see!”  He called back to them and a slight chuckle went up from the class. 

“You think?”  Stacia, a first year girl with a cheeky attitude and a fiery intellect called back.  Again the chuckle.

“The intensity was perfect!”  Izzy called to them and the whole class erupted in laughter. 

“Holy fuck!”  Sam said.  “I’ve seen pornos that were more kid friendly than that!” 

“It’s fucking perfect for the show!”  Kristi said, “So believable!”

“Yeah guys!”  Kurt backed his sister and tried to push back against the rumours he could already feel starting, “Good acting guys!”

“There’s a reason they won the drama duologue award!”  Kristi looked over at Rae and gave her a sympathetic smile.  Rae had managed to get her breath back and she cleared her throat.

“BACK TO IT!”  She ordered in a firm voice and everyone scuttled to do the next scene.  Rae made her way out to the audience to watch; this scene had neither her nor Phil in it and she needed to see how the blocking was holding up because there were a lot of people in this scene and a couple of the first year lads had a habit of standing in front of the others.  She took a deep breath and approached Izzy; Finn had already gone backstage because he was in this scene. 

“Hey.”  She whispered and went to sit down, but Izzy gave her the dress to try on.  “Already?”

“I’m fucking good at this stuff Rae Rae.”  Izzy grinned.

“Can’t argue with that.”  She took her shirt off in the blacked audience section; her black singlet clinging to her body.  She slipped the dress on.  “Blimey Iz, this is tight…”

“It’s meant to be.”  She mumbled and started making corrections, eventually sewing Rae into the dress and then putting a corset on over the top of the dress.

“I can hardly breathe!”  Rae complained.

“Welcome to the wonderful world of corsetry.”  Izzy looked at the ribbons on the back of the corset; the corset was too small for Rae and she considered how hard it’d be to put a panel in the front of it.  “Alright.”  She took the corset off and Rae sat down carefully as Izzy hurried back stage. 

The rest of the rehearsal went well.  Every kiss was torture, and every one of them broke character and ended up being Rae and Phil kissing instead of their characters kissing.  Izzy had gotten the corset on her before the end of the rehearsal so that Rae had an idea of how hot and breathless it was going to be under the lights. 

Elsa had returned, looking upset, near the end of the rehearsal; she was worrying for Chloe. 

“Right kiddies, I’ve gotten the organisers to accept a late change of casting.”  The rules in the competition were quite strict, “But if we make it through to the next round, Rae’ll have to stay in the lead female role…”

“But it’s Chloe’s part.”  Rae was dismayed for Chloe; she had so enjoyed this role. 

“I know.”  Elsa answered unhappily. 

“How is she?”  Rae asked. 

“She was a lot better when Rhys got here.”  Elsa noted, simply refusing to divulge the heartbreaking conversation she’d had with Chloe, in which she blamed herself for her father’s heart attack.  She looked at her watch and sighed.  “Right, early dinner followed by rehearsal in your dorm rooms, let’s go.”  The next school was waiting outside when they left.

 

 

They rehearsed for two hours, Elsa scrutinising everything closely but not making them do the kisses when they weren’t on a stage.  She told them to just remember their sightlines when they did it.

“Do you think you need to practice them?”  She asked looking down at the schedule for tomorrow.

“Well I’m not used to kissing with sightlines in mind.”  Rae answered.  Phil shrugged.

“I’ve done it stacks of time.”  He was involved in several out of school plays. 

“Well we get a 15 minute lighting run tomorrow before we go on.  You two can run all the kisses then.  I’ll trust you Phil to teach Rae about the sightlines in stage kissing, I’m gonna have to be focussing on the biobooth and the cans somehow.”

“Bryn can do the biobooth and Izzy can do the cans.”  Rae answered and Elsa gave her an impressed smile.

“Good at delegating.  You’re meant for this industry.”  She told Rae.  “Great, but might I suggest that Bryn and Izzy both take prompt box duties, just in case you need a runner.”  Bryn and Izzy nodded, “And I’ll manage the biobooth.”

She ordered them to their opposite dormitories after giving them the speech about not being jerks, not doing anything that would require adult supervision, use condoms if you’re going to do it anyway, and let her get her sleep.  They had one side of the hostel to themselves.  Elsa was on the other side of the bathrooms in a single room. 

She had left after they were in their own rooms, the boys all choosing their beds.  Phil keeping his eyes down, not sure if he wanted to speak to Finn just yet.  Those kisses had gotten way out of hand, and he knew it wouldn’t be any better tomorrow when he had to do them for the competition.  He was incapable of being professional when it came to kissing her.  He could manage to be just a friend if he didn’t touch her too much; he could handle brief hugs.  He could be cool and calm if he didn’t taste her; the minute he had felt her lips on his he had lost himself to her.  Again. 

Kissing her again had been amazing.  Now she had an ache too and that added to the depth of their kisses.  And they both knew what they were missing.  And they were missing each other; that could not be denied. 

“Hey Finn what were it like seeing your girl getting kissed by Phil?”  Sam asked with a teasing tone.  Phil looked up at Sam, but all other eyes were on Finn.

“Educational.”  Finn answered and looked out the door towards the way Elsa had left.  “Time to go.”  He said and the boys all followed him through to the girl’s dormitory. 

The boys were all trying to figure out what Finn had meant by educational when they were filing into the girls room, but Finn was ignoring them and seeking Phil out. 

“Come on pal, we gotta line run with Rae, make sure she’s ready.”  Phil gave him a confused look and Finn shrugged, “Guess there really is no jealousy left in me.”  He explained and nodded for Phil to follow him deeper into the dorm.  They found Rae where they both knew she would be; on the last bed furthest from the door.

“Hey beautiful girl.”  Finn kissed her and sat down beside her.  She gave him a small smile; they hadn’t had any chance to talk at all since the kisses.  Phil sat on the floor, leaning against the wall and looked up at them sitting on the bed.  “Time to run the lines, yeah?”  He gave her a reassuring grin, knowing that she was worried about the kisses.

“Are you alright?”  She asked, clearly upset.

“Aye.”  He answered.

“What did you mean by educational?”  Phil asked, keeping a wary eye on all the other students as they pulled the mattresses of the beds and set up a giant bed on the floor. 

“You touched her lower back.”  Finn said and Phil grinned slightly.

“Yeah she’s got a sensitive spot there.”  He answered slightly less defensively.  Rae’s eyes went from Finn to Phil, completely astounded that they were having this conversation.  About her.  While she was sitting there!

“I noticed!”  Finn said, clearly delighted by the discovery.  “I’ve never-”

“Excuse me, what the fuck is happening here?”  Rae interrupted him. 

“This is how mates talk Rae.”  Finn answered, “We pass on techniques to each other and-”

“I don’t care what mates do!”  She answered, “This is weird.”  She told him and then looked at Phil, “is this not weird?”

“As weird as our situation is.”  Phil answered, “Which is a fairly common situation… it’s very rarely dealt with as… politely as we are…” He shook his head.  “Polite isn’t really the right word.”  He said almost apologetically. 

“I like to think we’re all relaxed.”  Finn answered.

“I’m not sure that I am.”  Rae answered, “You do understand what happened?”  She asked him.

“You corpsed on stage.”  Finn answered.  Corpsing meant to break character, “Which is very bad for two such good actors.”  He added.  “I know what happened.”  He held Rae’s eye for a long time, Phil watching on silently, wondering if the hammer was going to fall, or if everything was as relaxed as Finn said it was. 

“I’m sorry.”  She whispered, “When I said my mind was made up, I intended for that to never happen again…”  Finn tongued the back of his teeth and looked to Phil, who was now looking at his hands, obviously trying to get his emotions under control.

“Yeah but you were kinda forced into it there.”  He shrugged.

“No but… you don’t understand how close I’ve come at other times.”  She confessed.  Finn looked at her and then Phil thoughtfully.  He spent a moment to really push into his feelings and figure out what was going on inside of him.  

“Ok.”  He said slowly, “For me Rae… I need to know beforehand if you’re going to do something.”  He said, “Cos otherwise it’s cheating.  We’ve agreed to be just us two, right?”  He said and she nodded, “And I’ve said, unless you need to have someone else.  But I need for there to be prior notice.  I need us to talk about each person individually.”  He said.

“There’s not gonna be other persons!”  Rae hissed, trying to keep her voice down, aware of the crowd around them.  But in the pit of her stomach she was terrified she was going to want any fit lad that wanted her; a lifetime of feeling ugly was such a needy companion.  And even as her confidence blossomed, she fretted that it wasn’t enough to stop her from wanting other fit lads if they offered themselves to her. 

“Alright.”  Finn said, “I’m aware it’s Phil cos you love him, and not other persons.”  He said, “But see, I have prior knowledge of Phil.”  Finn said carefully, “so I guess I’m quite relaxed with him.  And I understand you’re gonna struggle.  But I know you won’t go too far without talking to me first.”  He said, “Cos we’re good at this communication stuff now, and you know I’m here for you.”  He looked at Phil and then Rae, “And that goes for both of you.”  He added, “We all know this is a thing.  We don’t have to pretend it’s not, we don’t have to tell each other everything… but we do have to communicate clearly if we’re all gonna get through this alright.  Alright?”  Phil nodded thoughtfully but Rae had her eyes lowered.

“I should just be with you.”  She said, clearly angry at herself.  She got up, “Bathroom break.”  She told Finn and left.  But both Finn and Phil knew her leaving had nothing to do with needing the toilet. 

“So we come back to the question of whether it’d be easier if I just left.”  Phil said, his eyes watching Rae until she left the room. 

“Oh fuck, it’s like two steps forward and ten bleeding steps back with you two.”  Finn muttered and plopped down onto the floor next to Phil when the others came for the mattress. 

“So what’s the end game then?”  Phil asked, “If you’re talking towards our progress… our progress towards what?”

“I dunno.”  Finn shrugged, “Just all three of us being happy is what I’m aiming for.”  He leaned his head in his hand.  “I don’t think that’s too much to ask, is it?”

 

 

They had run lines while everyone else chatted, the three of them, carving out their own spot at the very end of the mattresses.  Izzy was still hand sewing Rae’s costume and laughing with the twins, Bryn, Sam and Stacia.  They all heard moments of speculation, people looking over at the three of them and wondering what their relationship was. 

Curtain call was at 10am tomorrow, Monday the 17th of November, and Elsa was getting them all at 9am for breakfast.  So they weren’t too worried about being too late, nonetheless, midnight saw these dedicated young actors starting to shush each other and settle down to sleep, all snuggled up together, Finn next to Izzy and Rae, Rae, as always next to Finn and Phil.  And Phil, well he once again tried to position himself nearly off the mattress, but ended up spooning her, waking up to find his hand on her hip and Finn’s on her waist, their hands touching, Finn’s pinky finger over his.  He lifted his head and looked at them; she faced Finn, her hand draped over his waist, breathing deeply, Finn was sleeping soundly, a small smile on his face. 

Phil thought about leaving, not just to go to the other room, but leaving Stamford, he thought about Finn wanting them all to be happy, he thought about how good it was to be close to her again, and understood he’d probably have very few chances to experience this again.  He thought about a million different things. 

He snuggled in closer to her and went back to sleep. 

He slept sounder than he had in weeks. 

 

 

When Finn woke up just before 8am he was spooning Rae, his arm draped over her waist, but his fingers had closed around Phil’s shirt.  Rae was spooning Phil, her arm wrapped tightly around him.  He gently stroked Rae’s hair to wake her up and as soon as she stirred Phil did.  Izzy grumbled behind him and he shushed her gently. 

“Wanna grab a shower before everyone wakes up?”  He asked them.  Izzy yawned and looked over the class of 30 and nodded her head.

“How many showers are there?”  She whispered back.

“Eight.”  He answered.  She carefully woke Bryn, Kristi and Stacia, which woke up Kurt.  The nine of them headed out to the showers as quietly as they could.

“So how are we gonna do this?”  Izzy yawned again as they got into the unisex share bathroom.  Stacia turned to Kurt, putting her hand on his belt she pulled him into the furthest shower and closed the door without a word. 

“Well that answers that.”  Rae shook her head. 

“I better not hear any fucking groans from you!”  Kristi said, horrified at the thought of being so close to her brother while he was getting action.  “Ew.”  She went to the shower furthest from her brother and Izzy went to the one next to her.  Bryn of course went in next to Izzy.  Leaving Rae, Phil and Finn to look at each other for a moment, Phil choosing to take one for the team and go into the cubicle next to Stacia and Kurt.  Rae went into the next one and Finn considered following her, but decided to just have a shower to himself to really examine what had happened over the past 24 hours. 

“I CAN HEAR YOU KISSING!”  Kristi called out with a tone of utter revulsion.

“Stop being a fucking cock block!”  Kurt called back.  Kristi made retching noises while the rest of them laughed.  The truth was, he and Stacia had been flirting with the idea of getting together for a while, but she was worried about being in drama with him; drama breeds drama she said.  Seemed like she’d changed her mind; quite spectacularly. 

“Fucking hell guys!”  Phil said when there was a bang against the wall between Stacia and Kurt and him.  Everyone broke out into laughter again.  The conversation was hilarious, ridiculous and dirty, with Bryn suggesting they should all just get into the end shower and go at it making Kristi loudly protest and Kurt groan in disgust.  And after Phil ribbed him for the noises he was making, Kurt told Phil to go and fuck Rae and Finn simultaneously in response drawing loud laughter from everyone, including Phil and Finn, but not Rae.  It was when Bryn and Izzy started to do a running commentary on what was happening in the last cubicle based on the noises that Kurt told them all to fuck off in a grumpy tone.

“Hard circumstances to perform under.”  Bryn had laughed.

“Yes and hard is the poignant word here.”  Izzy replied. 

“Don’t wear yourself out Kurt, you do some huge stage fights!”  Rae said firmly and Kurt groaned, clearly frustrated.

“Yeah Kurt, you gotta save all that energy for-” Bryn started but Kurt cut him off. 

“Seriously guys, fuck you all.”  He answered.  They could hear Stacia’s laughter and knew she had no intention of letting him get anywhere near having sex with her while everyone was there commenting on it. 

In the end, no one got to have sex on that overnight drama camp.  But plenty of people tried.

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Do You Love Me Part 2’ by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH9qPvpElvg>

 

_What drives a man?_

_What moves him forward?  And upwards?_

_Love for his woman._

_What makes a man a man?_

_Is it his woman?_

_Is it his actions?_

_His purpose?_

_And what is a man if he isn’t with his woman?_

_Is he a husk?  A shell?_

_I am no husk.  But there is a hole in me._

_My guts are ripped out and my intestines are emptied out onto the ground._

_The darkness envelopes me._

_And I find myself sitting for hours, staring at the wall, thinking only of her, the smell of my cousin cloying up my nose._

_I feel as though I am a hibernating animal.  Waiting for the moment to awaken.  The moment when I can take her and make her mine forever._

_The moment I will make her my bride._

_She will tell me that she will have and hold me._

_From this day forth…_

_For better for worse._

_For richer for poorer._

_In sickness and in health._

_To love_

_Cherish_

_And obey._

_Until death us do part…_

_You will be mine._

_And you will love, cherish and obey me._

_Until the day you die._

_Until we are parted by your death._

_The natural order of things.  This is how it should be.  You are mine._

_You are mine._

_You are mine._

_Mine._

_But how do I wait?_

_I have made plans._

_Things are in motion now, I suppose, and I just have to wait until everything is ready before I can take you into my possession._

_My poor girl._

_Missing me._

_Soon girl._

_Soon._

_And I’ll bring you home dead puppies to play with._

_And pure white dresses to wear._

_And we’ll have dozens of babies to bury in the back yard because neither of us will wanna use rubbers, but neither of us want a screaming kid to take the attention away from us being together._

_You’ll drown them in the sink after you’ve birthed them._

_Or I can beat them out of your belly if you want._

_I think of how I’ve evolved and changed.  What a stupid little boy I was before.  What a perfect specimen of manhood I am now._

_I see my old friends and they are weak.  They let their women walk away from them._

_You’ll never be able to walk away from me._

_I’ll chain you._

_I’ll cut your feet off._

_I’ll kill you._

_Just try to leave me.  Watch what happens._

_This is what I told my friend._

_I hope Ian can grow into a man soon._

_All girls really need are men to guide them._

_Teach them._

_Show them._

_Put them in their place._

_And keep them there._

 

 

***

 

 

They had been the first play of the day, and they had done an amazing job, the kisses between Rae and Phil garnering gasps from the audience.  The end bringing on a standing ovation.  And once they were done they had all sat up the back of the audience as expected and watched the next play, but when lunch was done and they were expected to go back in, the nine of them snuck off instead, to explore this part of London.  They were at the Palace Theatre in Soho, so now it was time to wonder these streets, looking for entertainment. 

“There’s a lot of gay stuff about isn’t there?”  Sam said noting how many shops had pride stickers. 

“I heard Soho was the home of punk.”  Izzy said.

“Hookers and punk.”  Stacia agreed. 

“Fair to say it’s um… multicultural!”  Bryn grinned as he saw several other brown skinned people in the crowds milling around them.  “I like it here!”  He declared. 

“Right well, we can’t get lost!”  Finn said.

“We gotta get back to the theatre before the last play finishes.”  Phillip looked at is watch.

“It’s like we got two dads!”  Kurt laughed and saw Rae’s unimpressed face.  “But our mum’s the real boss!”  He grinned cheekily and Rae shook her head at him.  They began to explore a less main road, with lots of alleys leading to the backs of building off it, and interesting shops and cafes. 

“I wonder if Chloe’s alright.”  Izzy said softly to Rae as the gang all walked and chatted happily.

“I’m sure she’s alright.”  Rae soothed, “She’s got Rhys.”  They passed numerous blind alleyways; you couldn’t see them coming until they were upon you. 

“Even he can’t fix a heart attack.”  Izzy frowned.  “At least he’ll be there for Chlo.” 

“I can’t wait to get back to her.”  Rae agreed with Izzy’s fretting. 

Another alley way opened up blindly, and a man in a hurry shot out of it, knocking Sam to the floor.  Everyone was still in the process of responding when Rae looked up at the guy who had slammed into Sam. 

Her sharp, terrified, gasping intake of air made Finn stop helping Sam up and instead look where Rae was looking. 

The man that had knocked Sam flat on his arse was looking at Rae.  A look of predatory hunger in his eyes.  Phil looked up and instantly knew who it was.

“Saul?”  He asked already knowing what was going to happen.

“Rae…” Saul croaked out, his hand moving towards her. 

And Rae screamed, jumping back, away from him.  He looked around, seeing Finn, and bolted back up the alley way.  Finn turned to Phil.

“With your life.”  He said firmly and Phil nodded, wrapping his arms around Rae. 

Finn bolted after Saul.

“NO!”  Rae screamed, lunging to go after him, but Phil held her back.  “FINN!”  She struggled but Phil held her calmly telling her she couldn’t go.  “LET GO!”  She screamed at him.  “FINN!” 

 

 

 

 

_ ‘Street Spirit (Fade Out)’ by Radiohead _

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrTB-iiecqk>

 

Monday morning saw Tom yawning and thinking happily about the five star resort they were staying in. 

Exactly a week ago, on the 10th of November, he had turned 26 and Archie had organised a day of following Ramses the second through Luxor; Ramses was Tom’s favourite pharaoh, and they had spent the day wondering around ancient Thebes, now Luxor, learning about Ramses the second.  Tom liked that crafty fucker; he even chuckled when he heard that he stole temples from other pharaohs and just carved his name over the top of their names.  So pharaohs following Ramses the second cut their names into the temples so deep Tom could put his whole hand in the hieroglyph carvings.  The Ramesseum hadn’t stood the test of time as well as his other major monument to himself; Abu Simbel, but Tom had been in heaven clambering around the ruins nonetheless.  And after that they came home to the hotel to in-room massages and a sumptuous five course meal.  They were staying in the most expensive room in the hotel; it had two bedrooms, each with a king sized bed, a massive spa bath, which they had spent a lot of time in together, a huge walk in shower with complete surround water – there was water spurting up from the floor too!  There was a lounge room with a huge tv and a dining room.  It was an expensive room.  But Tom had been so happy to see the luxury after spending the last week shitting in a hole in the dessert, sometimes having to walk for 10 minutes to get far enough away from the Nile to dig your own hole.  This hotel had a separate bidet, walk in robes, dual bathroom sinks, its own steam room.  He was happy.  Tom was quite happy to rough it from time to time, but he was a luxury boy at heart.  Even Archie had to admit that it was nice to have a bed again.

Spending so long in Luxor had been an excellent idea; there was so much to see it was mind boggling.  Karnak had literally made Tom and Archie have to stop, their mouths open in awe at the huge pillars in the Great Hypostyle Hall.  They were so huge it was hard to take them in.  Luxor temple, Luxor museum, the Valley of the Kings, the Valley of the Queens… ancient Thebes.  Tom was in love with Egypt, but Aswan and Luxor were his favourites; he could have happily spent months here.  Especially with this room to come home to every night. 

“You know I’m closer to 30 than 20.”  He groaned and Archie smacked his arse and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Well I’m closer to 20 than 10.”  Archie teased.

“That doesn’t help!”  Tom laughed, “Fucking hell.”  He shook his head and looked closer at the mirror, inspecting for wrinkles. 

“Ugh you’re so ancient.”  Archie teased.

“Ugh I know.”  Tom grinned.  He had never imagined he would joke about aging.  It used to be something that worried him.  Not so much anymore. 

“No wonder you fit so well in Egypt.”  Tom grabbed Archie and pulled him to him playfully, roughly.

“We got time to fuck before we go wherever you’ve got planned?”

“Nope.  We’re already running a bit late.  But I insist on a fuck at lunch time, right?”

“That’s a date I can keep.”  He sat down on the bed and started to apply his sunscreen lotion.  “So where are we off to this fine morning?”

“The Mortuary Temple of Hatshepsut.”  Archie grinned, “It’s considered one of the most beautiful temples in Egypt.  And Hatshepsut was a women; which is totally awesome, cos there weren’t a lot of female pharaohs.”  Archie continued his monologue about all the awesome things Hatshepsut had done as they grabbed a quick breakfast and headed out to the car; Mohammed was driving again.  He looked at his watch and gave them a look.

“I know!”  Tom said with a cheeky shake of his head.  They jumped into the backseat, Tom giving Archie a secret lusty look and Archie bit his bottom lip.

They were walking the long, sloping, stone gangway up to the temple of Hatshepsut as Tom’s watch hit 8am.  Tom and Archie had discovered that they both liked to take a moment to take in the feel of the place, to just look around, to talk to each other about what they had seen, before they started to snap photos. 

Archie took his time to really appreciate the delicately carved hieroglyphs and depictions of Hatshepsut’s life. 

“This whole temple is… it’s more than a work of art.”  He muttered and Tom nodded his head in awe.  Mohammed was deciphering the pictures with them, when he stopped midsentence, his eyes on the entrance to the area they were in.  Tom looked over at where he was looking and saw a security guard looking around at everyone.  The guard turned and left hurriedly, and Tom turned back to the carvings.  Mohammed did not start explaining again but instead slowly scanned the crowd. 

“I can’t get over how fine the work is.”  He said in awe, “I don’t think you can comprehend how impressive the work of the Ancient Egyptians was until you see it in person.” 

“Oh I know.”  Archie’s voice also showed his awe.  Archie decided it was time to start taking photos.  “Oh shit!”  He laughed, “I left my camera in the car!”  He shook his head, “I’ll just run back and get it.”  He winked at Tom, indicating that he’d go alone and started to head off. 

But Mohammed grabbed his hand and stopped him, his eyes still scanning the crowd.

“I think we should all go with you.”  He said calmly and pulled Tom with him as he started to slowly, almost casually walk towards the exit.  “Laugh and joke.”  He told them.

“What’s going on?”  Archie whispered.

“Just act normal!”  Mohammed hissed. 

 

 

It wasn’t until they were on the long road to the car park that Mohammed answered them.

“I think I recognised that guard.”  Mohammed said, “From my time in al-Gama'a al-Islamiyya.”  He clarified.  “I think he was casing the place; seeing how many guards there are, how many tourists.”  Tom looked around and noticed a worrying lack of guards.

“But he was dressed as a guard.”  Archie countered.

“Yeah.”  Mohammed nodded, “We trained for something like this.  A group of six infiltrate the crowd dressed as guards, two take the door to stop anyone getting in or out, four kill all the tourists.”

“Oh my god.”  Tom whispered, “We have warn everyone.” 

“We warn everyone they open fire now, a lot more people die, including us.”  Mohammed answered, “And it’s very, very possible I’m wrong.”  He added, “We’re far better off getting in the car and driving out to the guard stations to warn them, and they can do what they’re trained to do; protect our tourists.”  He answered and Tom nodded.  “We are just civilians.  We cannot play hero.  We do that, we die.” 

“Of course.”  Tom agreed. 

“We have to hurry.”  Archie said, “The sooner we tell the guards, the less likely it is that people will die.” 

“Keep walking at a normal pace, so we don’t draw attention to ourselves.”  Mohammed countered, the crowds were swelling with people coming and going to the temple in large numbers.  Tom and Archie looked at the faces of the people heading into the temple; their hearts pounding, their fear escalating.

A Japanese couple, clearly in love.

A group of friends speaking Swedish.

A British family with a five year old son.

They were getting to the car, they were going to the guards.

They were close to the car park when all three of them saw the group of six men in the distinctive security guard uniform heading towards the ticket booth.

“Up here!”  Mohammed pulled them off the main road and onto a path that was hidden from the view of the men.  It was cordoned off, but they jumped the fence and headed up the steep path.

“We cannot go to the car.  We will need to go through the Theban hills, up behind the temple and down into the Valley of the Kings, to get help.”

“Why aren’t there more guards?”  Archie asked desperately.

“Who knows?”  Mohammed asked, deeply worried that they’d be followed and urging them to move faster.  They heard a muffled cry of pain from the vicinity of the ticket booth and started to hurry upwards, all three of them sure of what was happening now.  As they got higher, their position on the side of the hill beside the temple was clearly visible from the road, and Mohammed urged them to bend double to be less conspicuous. 

Mohammed stopped, his eyes narrowed, he looked over the scenery, taking in the car park, the road to the temple, the temple itself.  He was looking for any sign of where the men were. 

He couldn’t see them and motioned for Archie and Tom to get moving again. 

“LA!”  The Arabic word for no. 

All three of them stopped in their tracks.  Orders where barked at them in Arabic.  Tom and Archie put their hands up and turned to see a man dressed as a security guard, pointing his AK47 at them. 

He was yelling at them in Arabic and Tom slowly, subtly, put himself between Archie and the man.

“It’s alright.”  He tried to say soothingly, but the man continued to yell at them.  “We surrender…”  Tom tried, but the man noticed him moving and trained the gun directly at his face.

Archie now noticed how Tom had positioned himself, and with sickening clarity he saw the man’s finger, previously hovering over the trigger, connect with it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Endless thank yous to @ [teastaindiary](http://teastaindiary.tumblr.com/post/93827036863/can-any-of-you-lovely-emus-speak-scots-gaelic) for the Gaelic translations you are seriously amazing!

 

 

 

Props to my ladies: [~~@~~ chicadificil75](https://twitter.com/chicadificil75) [~~@~~ evinaktas](https://twitter.com/evinaktas) [~~@~~ Blank_Notebook](https://twitter.com/Blank_Notebook) [~~@~~ face_phase](https://twitter.com/face_phase) for the fabulous conversations that led to Kester’s backstory being born

 

“Are’s air are are are are are are are where.  Are there any hair where are are are are air “  this is what happened when I fell asleep with my Dragon microphone on… this is how in interpreted my sleeping noises… that or I was having a horrifying dream.

 

The stuff about Egypt is based on my time in Egypt in 2004, not the right time, but close enough.  This episode ends on Tom and Archie in Luxor, at the temple of Hatshepsut on November the 17th 1997


	12. Episode 7 – Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N – I realised that one of the reasons I wasn’t picking this story back up (after I took a break due to the amount of hate I was getting for it) was my reluctance to read over what I had already written in previous chapters – so I’m not going to. So this will probably be a bit disjointed as I continue the story from memory, and if I repeat a plot point, I’m sorry – I just forgot I’d already put it in… and if it seems like I missed something, I might have already thought it was in the last few episodes… so bear with me! Sorry! But I figured it was better to just get back to writing it and not worry about the disjointedness.
> 
> Hope you agree xo
> 
> cheers
> 
> ps, I also stopped trying to find songs from the right time frame and just started to use any songs. I hope you all don’t mind.

  

“A Warm Place’ by Nine Inch Nails

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLpPzGT9_3o>

 

Archie looked down the barrel of the gun.  He noticed Tom standing in front of him and tried to subtly step forward.

“DON’T MOVE!”  The man screamed at them, his finger still on the trigger.  Tom saw the gunman starting to squeeze the trigger and pushed Archie back out of harm’s way.

A gunshot rang out over the valley.

And then the screaming began.

 

***

 

Finn felt his heart pounding as he ran down an alleyway.  He could see Saul ahead of him, ducking and weaving around the rubbish before he shot out into a main road.  Finn followed, his eyes glued to the back of Saul’s head as crowds of people started to press in around them. 

But he saw Saul take a sharp right into another alleyway and followed, knowing that he was catching up. 

 

***

 

Mrs Milton looked over the itinerary Archie had given them.  She smiled as she imagined her boy traipsing around the Egyptian desert, exploring some long lost temple. 

“Hatshepsut.”  She stumbled over the word and shook her head with bewildered delight.  “My boy.”  She heard the kettle whistling and got up to brew a pot of tea, singing along softly to the oldies the BBC was currently playing on the radio. 

She put some milk, sugar, the pot of tea and cup on her tray, a trashy romance novel tucked under her arm, and headed out to the sunny lounge room to have a nice break before continuing her housework. 

“This just in: in breaking news, armed gunmen have been reported to be killing tourists at the popular temple of Hatshepsut in Luxor, Egypt.”  Mrs Milton turned to look at the radio, a stunned look of disbelief in her face.  “Early reports suggest that tourists were lined up and executed or mutilated with machetes, there are reports of at least fifty dead tourists.  Egyptian authorities-”  There was a crash as the tray fell from Mrs Milton’s hands. 

“No.”  She whispered, her hands coming up to her mouth.  She didn’t hear the rest of the report as she turned to the phone in desperation.  “No… not my Archie.” 

 

 

‘The Day The World Went Away’ by Nine Inch Nails

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNrnjyuD4fE>

 

Finn ran into the alley way and got to its dead end before he saw that it was deserted. 

He turned around on the spot and saw that one of the tatty doors leading off the alley way was slightly ajar. 

He approached it cautiously, his hand reaching out slowly, to push the door open.

 

***

 

Screams echoed over the valley.

To Archie, his whole body shaking with shock and terror, all he could think was that the light seemed too bright, too unnaturally white.  The air was too still and heavy.  The heat too thick and oppressive.

But Tom only focussed on the man in front of them, his finger shaking on the trigger, his resolve as shaky as his whole body.

But Mohammed stepped forward and spoke softly to him.

“You do not want to do this my friend.”  He soothed, holding the man’s eye.  “Look at us.”  He said pointing to himself and then Tom and Archie, “And look down there.”  He pointed back to the temple of Hatshepsut, where the sounds of slaughter turned Archie’s stomach.  “Look!”  He commanded.

The man turned his terrified eyes towards the temple and Tom took the chance to steal a glance at Archie.  He saw Archie’s eyes begin to turn to look at the temple in the valley below them, but he reached back and pulled Archie arm, spinning him around.

“Don’t look.”  Tom said, his eyes meeting Archie’s as the sound of a woman in pain, screaming in terror echoed off the stones around them.  Tom’s eyes looked over Archie’s shoulder for a second and he saw the men cutting through the tourists as they ran and cowered. 

“You must go and get help!”  Mohammed commanded the man; clearly he was actually a security guard.  “You must do your duty!” 

But the security guard simply stared at the horror in the valley beneath them, unable to move, transfixed by the evil in front of his eyes.  He shook his head slowly.

“I… ca-”

“GO!”  Mohammed yelled at him and he jumped in fear.

“Yes.”  The guard agreed, finally lowering his weapon. 

“You will get help before they are all killed, Allah willing.”  Mohammed said and the guard nodded before running off down the path.  “Come now.”  He said grabbing Tom’s hand as Tom grabbed Archie’s hand.

Mohammed led them at a fast run up the path to the top of the Theban Hills.  All three of them terrified that someone could see them, follow them… gun them down, at any minute.

 

***

 

Phil pulled Rae to a nearby bench and sat her down, while she pushed him off her and yelled at him.

“He’ll be killed!  That’s what you want isn’t it?”  She accused.  She saw that these words hurt him; saw the pain in his eyes, even as he fixed his lips shut and said nothing, “You couldn’t get it any other way, so you’ll gladly serve him up to his murderer, and with him outta the way-”

“Rae!”  Izzy said, shocked by Rae’s deliberately hurtful words. 

But Rae ignored her.

“LET ME GO!”  She screamed at Phil and slapped his face hard. 

“I made a promise.”  He said calmly.

“You made promises to me too.”  She cried, her fear finally bubbling over, “You swore you’d never do anything I didn’t want…”

“I know.”  He said softly, pain etched in every syllable.  “I’m so sorry Rae.  But I’m not letting you go.”  She slapped his face again, but he simply caught her wrist and held it tightly.

“So your promises to him mean more than your promises to me?”  She said angrily, “Maybe you never loved me, maybe it was always him you loved?”  She accused angrily and tried to get her wrists free, pushing against him with her shoulder.  But Phil held tight, glad for his training with Finn.

“If he’s worrying about you, he’s more likely to die!”  He said loudly, trying to get through to her.  “This is the only way I can keep you both safe!”

“LET ME GO PHIL!”  Rae was almost hysterical.  “I HATE YOU FOR THIS!  I HATE YOU!” 

“I know.”  He still didn’t let go, even though he doubted she’d ever forgive him.  “But the last time you were both around this guy, you both nearly died.  I’m not letting you go Rae.” 

 

***

 

Chloe sat in the hospital and looked at her father in utter silence. 

Across from her, her mother sniffed daintily and dabbed at her tears with an elegant handkerchief. 

He looked so diminished with all these pipes and tubes going in and out of him.  She’d seen the clear bag hanging out the end of the bed fill with yellow fluid and be changed by the nurse while they had sat here, looking at his unconscious form.  That her father had a catheter and was peeing into a bag at the moment was something Chloe could have happily gone her whole life without knowing. 

“I just can’t stand to lose him.”  Her mother whimpered softly and stroked his hand softly. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine mum.”  Chloe said numbly.  She got up and put the television on.

“-over 50 tourists are dead.”

Chloe’s mouth opened in horror as the news unfolded on the television.

“Archie.”  She whispered.  “Oh no.”  She shook her head.

 

***

 

Finn walked into the abandoned building; it was a small dark and musty room, but on the other side he saw another opened door and ran forward towards it.

 

***

 

By the time they got to the Valley of the Kings, it was almost deserted.  They walked along the usually crowded areas, looking for someone they could talk to, someone to at least drive them away from this place. 

It was obvious that the tourist police had already started to evacuate people; so they obviously already knew what was happening and had presumably put a stop to it.

It had taken them a few hours, and sweat was dripping off them.  They hadn’t brought enough water for such a long stretch of walking; they had intended to go back to the car and drive to the next site after the temple of Hatshepsut, and the car was filled with bottles of water in an icebox. 

They were exhausted, dirty, and in shock. 

But Mohammed had guided them well, and even now their friend, more accustomed to the heat, was offering to run ahead and find them help. 

“No, we have to stay together.”  Archie said almost frantically. 

“Yes, alright.”  Mohammed answered, his eyes scanning their surroundings and looking for anyone that could be helpful.

It was another 15 minutes of walking, towards the carpark, before they found a police officer that hustled them onto a bus heading back to the other side of the Nile and safety. 

 

***

 

He opened his eyes and saw the huge black man standing at the window looking out.  He looked around the room and saw no sign of his daughters or wife. 

“Why are you here?”  He croaked and Rhys turned.

“Chloe asked me to be here.”  He answered calmly as he walked across the room and poured some water for Chloe’s father. 

“You’re too old for her.”  He said as he took the glass of water, “I can forgive whatever else you are… but not that you preyed on my little girl.”

“I have struggled with the age gap.”  Rhys acknowledged, choosing to ignore the racist overtones of the second part of the sick man’s sentence.  “And I am very cognizant of the power imbalance that can come with age differences.  I firmly believe that Chloe is more than capable of making this and every other decision that affects her, for herself.”

“You say that because she chooses you.  But you groomed her.”  He coughed and Rhys gently helped him sit up, even as he pulled away from Rhys.  “I know the truth!  But my wife won’t let me say anything in case I look racist.”

“You don’t look racist.”  Rhys stopped himself from adding ‘you are racist’ and instead focussed on the issue at hand for Chloe’s sake.  She had already come dangerously close to cutting out her parents from her life.  He didn’t want that for her, and he was willing to tolerate much for her.  “And I did not groom Chloe to do anything.  I do nothing but encourage her to do what is best for her, and if that was to leave me, then I would support her in that.”

The two men stared at each other for a moment, one with hostility, the other with carefully practiced neutrality. 

“She’d never leave you and you damn well know it.”  He croaked and took a sip of water.  Rhys took the glass from him when he was done with it, and put it on the bedside drawers within reach.

“I know no such thing.”  Rhys said, “Chloe is her own woman.  She makes her own-”

“Chloe is a child!”  He spat angrily.

“Chloe is a young woman.”  Rhys answered firmly.  “Who makes her own decisions.” 

“You groomed her!  You’re a paedophile!”  He spat at Rhys, his hand clutching his chest as his face turned red with anger. 

Rhys took a step back, wanting to de-escalate the situation; this man was recovering from a massive heart attack and this anger wasn’t good from him.  Rhys held his hands up in placation.

“We’ll talk about this later.”  Rhys said soothingly. 

“You’re a paedophile and a rapist!” 

“When our relationship began, Chloe was over the age of consent and I was not in a position of trust over her.”  Rhys answered, “No laws were broken, so you cannot accuse me of either statutory rape or paedo-”

“I don’t need laws to know what you are.” 

“I think I’m going to go and find a nurse for your care.”  Rhys said through gritted teeth.  He left the room, tuning out the insults being thrown at him as he left.  He had never been so close to hitting Chloe’s father; to be called a rapist, a paedophile, when he himself had been the victim of those vile crimes was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to endure.  It burned in him, triggering old wounds to reopen and bleed in his soul.

Rhys walked for 10 whole minutes at a fast pace, his head down, his fists clenched in his pockets, trying not to grind his teeth, before he took a deep breath and looked around himself.  He was still somewhere in the hospital, but he had no clue where.  And he really did need to send a nurse in to Chloe’s father. 

He asked a passing nurse for directions before heading back in the right direction.  

When he got there, Chloe and her sister were hugging and crying in the waiting room, her mother was staring in through the open door, her arms wrapped over her chest tightly. 

“Where were you?”  Chloe asked grabbing his hand.  They had all gone out to stretch their legs and Rhys had promised to stay with him in case he woke up or there was an emergency.  He had broken his promise to Chloe.

“I’m sorry Chlo.”  He said as she searched his face.  “I had to… go to the toilet.”  He lied; now was not the time to tell her the truth.  She nodded slowly and turned to look through the open door, her sister still clinging to her. 

Rhys looked in on them working on Chloe’s father; he had had another heart attack.

Rhys swore to himself under his breath.  But he had worked enough on self-love and self-compassion in his lifetime to not blame himself for the attack.  Even so, there was still a small part of himself that niggled; perhaps he could have handled it better, perhaps he did hold some responsibility, perhaps-

Rhys silenced that voice; it served no purpose and did no one any good.  He focussed instead on comforting Chloe, and her sister. 

And even though he knew Chloe would not blame him either, he still wasn’t looking forward to telling Chloe the truth of what had happened.  He would not lie to her about this or anything.  He might choose when to tell her the truth, but he would always tell her the truth. 

“Is he gonna die?”  Angie, Chloe’s sister asked miserably.

“No.”  Chloe answered.  It was strange that Chloe was the younger sister, but came across as so much older than Angela.  “He’ll be fine babe, you’ll see.”  She soothed Angela, stroking her hair with one hand, while her other hand held Rhys’s firmly, drawing strength from his strong, steady presence. 

 

***

 

Rae was struggling to free her hands while Phil held her wrists tightly. 

“Rae I know I normally strictly adhere to the philosophy that you’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions, but you know I can’t let you go after him.  Just stop and think for a minute.”  He pleaded, “I’m doing this as much for you as for Finn.” 

“Fuck you!”  Rae answered angrily. 

“You know I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt in anyway… but I also don’t want Finn to get hurt.  And if you stop and think, you know he’s ten times more likely to get hurt if you’re there.”  Rae stopped struggling for a moment, her eyes meeting Phil’s, tears streaming down her cheeks, and Phil was struck by how deep this trauma lied within her.  Saul had forever marked her; there was no doubt about that.  And there was no doubt that this is what he had wanted.  “Because you know he’ll be focussing on you and your safety instead of focussing on Saul 100%.  You know this.  And I know that with all your training, you think you can kick his arse; I know it’s true too… But Finn’s already gone, so now it’s his job to do it and maybe I made a mistake just following his order, but when I agreed to guard you with my life, it was the last thing I said to him, so I’m gonna honour that.  So now I just need you to sit here with me, and wait with me for him to come back, so he doesn’t have to be worrying about you as well as Saul.”

“What if he doesn’t come back?”  Her voice was fearful, lost and timid. 

“Impossible.”  Phil answered with a slightly cocky smile, conjured up from his best acting.  Rae almost bought it.  “Look, we both know what a great fighter he is; we both know he’s got this.”  But Rae just stared at him with hard, fearful eyes.  “Come on Rae, do you really think I’d ever get this lucky?  Of course that Neanderthal is coming back for you; something as pathetic as this Saul guy couldn’t stop him.  He’d never leave you.  Especially not with me circling, right?”  He gave her a small smile that Rae managed to return. 

“Why would you even joke about that.”  Rae asked sniffing.

“Because I know that foolish Neanderthal is coming back Rae.”  He said firmly and felt Rae yield.  He wrapped his arms around her, comforting her.  “I love that dickhead too, okay?”  He admitted, “Not as much as you do but… He’s my mate, I don’t want anything bad to happen to him.  And I’m not worried, because I know he’ll be okay.”  Rae sunk into his arms, trying not to cry and Phil looked up at their classmates, all awkwardly trying not to look, while simultaneously wanting to stare at the drama.  “Go and find him and bring him back.”  He said to them, “But stay in pairs, yeah?”

“On it.”  Izzy answered, motioning for everyone to leave.  

Rae didn’t look up as they left but instead gripped Phil’s shirt and tried not to find his arms quite so comforting. 

Phil took a deep breath, his cheeks stinging from her hard slaps and looked around at everyone walking past, wanting more than anything to see Finn’s face in the crowd. 

 

***

 

“Archie could be dead.  My father could die.”  Chloe stared out over the small patch of grass that the smokers had claimed as their own.  Behind them the hospital loomed like a dangerous movie villain.  “What really happened?”  She looked back at Rhys, “I know you well enough to know when you’re lying to me.”

Rhys narrowed his eyes slightly, weighing up if now was the time to tell her, but realising that it wasn’t really his choice: she was asking.  He had to tell her something honest. 

“Your father really doesn’t like me, and I think it’s probably better that I’m not around him when he’s so unwell.”  Rhys answered diplomatically. 

“How much of an arse was he?”  Chloe asked, her hand going to Rhys’s face; she could see the pain behind his eyes.  “I can see he got to you.”  Chloe was amazed by this; Rhys seemed almost immune to people’s fuckery.  He’d worked hard for that tough veneer. 

“He accused me… of terrible things I would never do.”  Rhys answered, “but because I’ve experienced those things, it hurt, rather than it just being a foolish attempt to get under my skin that did nothing.” 

Chloe sighed and looked back out over the tatty grass, crossing her arms, her eyes narrowing in thought.

“I love him, but when he gets out of hospital I’m cutting him out of my life.”  She said, “I’ll have to figure something out for my living arrangements.”  She looked at Rhys out of the corner of her eyes, wondering if their relationship was ready for that.  She was living with him, in his spare room, at the moment, because her home wasn’t safe, thanks to Ian and his friends.  But to make it official, to move into Rhys’s house permanently, into his room?  Chloe shook her head as Rhys sighed.

“I don’t want you to lose contact with him for me.”  Rhys said softly.

“It’s not for you.”  Chloe said thoughtfully, “I mean you’re important to me, don’t get me wrong.”  She gave him a fond smile, “But he doesn’t respect me or my decisions Rhys.”  She explained, “I don’t want people in my life that don’t respect me.  I’ve already had too much of that in my life, and I deserve better than that.  Especially from my own father.” 

“You are right.”  Rhys answered simply, “You deserve the best.  And I am sure he thinks he is giving you the best.”  Rhys answered, “But his intentions don’t matter Miss Chloe.”  Rhys agreed with her, “What matters is how it affects you.  And it matters that he refuses to listen to you, and alter his behaviour accordingly.” 

“That’s right.”  Chloe said, “I can always forgive a mistake, especially a well-intentioned mistake if real attempts are made to fix the problem and never do it again.  But he is wilfully continuing to disrespect me and the man I love… I mean he’s so racist Rhys.  I can’t stand to have that man anywhere near you; you deserve better than that.” 

“I know.”  Rhys answered, “But he is your father, and you don’t agree with him, and you correct him.  So I will tolerate him.”  He answered, “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“But I do.”  Chloe answered.  “And I should; you’re my partner!  We’re supposed to have each other’s backs.”  She gave him a meaningful smile, “You play tough, but I see how much he hurt you.  And I know you Rhys… did he accuse you of statutory rape?”  She guessed correctly.  Rhys lowered his eyes.  “That arsehole.”  Chloe whispered and wished she was a giant woman who could sweep Rhys into her arms and comfort him.  To be accused of being a rapist when he was a victim of rape… And her father knew full well that Ian had raped her, and he did this to the man that had helped her trust men again. 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.”  Chloe answered, “You don’t always have to be the strong one.”  Chloe said and tried her best to pull him into her arms.  Rhys laughed at the absurdity; Chloe was foot shorter than him and he weighed twice what she did.  But he took comfort in her actions and settled in for a hug, her arms trying to close around him as tightly as she could manage. 

“So what’s happening with Archie?”  He asked, not yet aware of what was happening in Egypt.

“Oh god.”  Chloe breathed.  “I wonder if Rae and Finn even know.”  She whispered, “There’s some guys, dressed as cops shooting tourists in Luxor.” 

 

***

 

Phil had never been so glad to see Finn.

He patted Rae’s shoulder softly to let her know to look up.  She looked up at him, their eyes meeting and he nodded towards behind her.  She looked over her shoulder and saw Finn as he sat down beside her.

She flung her arms around his neck and held him tightly.

“Don’t ever run off like that again.”  She said angrily, “I thought you’d die, I thought I’d never see you again, I thought-” Rae went from yelling things angrily to muttering incomprehensible things angrily as she pressed her face into his neck, her raw emotion and relief very obvious.  Finn held her tightly and looked over her shoulder to Phil as she muttered; her anger draining away into relief.  Phil’s cheeks were still red, and Finn cocked an eyebrow at him.  Phil shrugged slightly and looked down.  But Finn grabbed his hand and held it tightly.

“Thanks.”  He said meaningfully and Phil nodded without looking back up at them. 

“It’s fine.”  He answered softly.

“No really.”  Finn could tell that Rae had slapped him, he knew he had put Phil in a bad spot. 

“I’m glad you’re alright.”  Phil mumbled, still looking down at his shoes.  Rae turned to look at him and put an arm over his shoulders.

“Sorry I slapped ya.”  She said, mortified at what she’d done.  “And… what I said… that I ha-”

“It don’t matter.”  Phil said and looked up, giving them both a dazzling smile.  “It all worked out fine.”  But they both knew that smile; they knew Phil wasn’t okay at all.  “And I am honestly glad you’re okay Quinn.” 

“I know Bill.”  Finn said, seeing that Phil was genuine about that even if he wasn’t being honest about being okay.  “And I’m-”

“GUYS!”  Izzy was running up the street.  “It’s all over the news.  I saw it on  the front page up the road.”  She said, panting heavily as she got to them. 

“Saw what?”  Finn asked.

“Some nutters are shooting up Luxor.”  She said in a hurried, scared voice, “Stacks of tourists are dead.”

Finn felt his stomach drop and Rae’s mouth opened in horror.

“Oh no.”  Rae whispered.

“Archer.”  Finn’s mouth felt dry. 

 

***

 

Archie stared into the mirror as he sat on the bed. 

The shower was on and Tom was in it, washing away what he had seen and heard… or at least trying to.

Archie felt numb; if numb was something one could actually feel.  Numbness was really more an absence of feelings. 

There was a loud bang outside and he heard a woman scream. 

“Oh god.”  He whimpered and hit the floor, hiding behind the bed, terrified for Tom; the bathroom was closer to the door.  The terrorists were obviously in the hotel; they were going through the rooms, killing everyone. 

Tom came out of the shower.

“What was that?”  He was asking, but he saw Archie, practically going foetal on the floor and went to him.  “It’s alright.  He soothed, his own heart beating furiously, “It’s nothing.  I’ll just go and-”

“No!”  Archie gripped his arms tightly, unwilling to let him go, “Don’t leave me, I couldn’t live without you.”  He sobbed. 

“Yes you could.”  Tom said firmly, “You’re stronger than you think you are, you’re just in shock.”  He gently stroked Archie’s hair and saw how his own hands shook; he was in shock himself.  “And you won’t have to live without me; not for a long time yet.” 

“Promise?”  It was a question, but Archie was demanding it. 

“I’m wearing your ring aren’t I?”  He said with a devastatingly beautiful smile.  He had almost convinced himself he was ok.  He kissed Archie tenderly and slowly got up, “But I gotta check-”

“No…”  Archie said softly. 

“It’s probably nothing.”  He said, “but if someone needs help, I should check.”  He got up and Archie let him go; he was telling himself to be brave and to think logically as he got up off the floor and sat on the bed again.  “And if it is something, isn’t it better we know sooner rather than later?”  Tom reasoned, “Give ourselves the kind of chance to escape that Mohammed gave us.”  He said as he got to the door and took a deep breath to steady his nerves. 

He opened the door a crack and peeked through the opening.

Outside the cleaning cart was being straightened; it had clearly tipped over, and the cleaning lady was being helped by a man to right it.  Behind them a woman was fanning herself; the loud noise of the cart tipping had obviously terrified her, made her scream. 

Tom could see it was all under control so he closed the door and turned to Archie.

“Everything’s fine; it’s just the cleaner.”

“Oh.”  Archie visibly breathed easier.  “Good.”  And then suddenly, “Oh god!”  Archie realised quite abruptly, “I have to call my parents!” 

 

***

 

Chloe sat holding her father’s cold fingers.  Her eyes were dry, but they were glued to his face. 

Her mother and sister were crying inconsolably, her mother asking what was going to happen to them now; her father was the sole source of income in their house… had been the sole source of income. 

“Daddy…”  Angie whimpered, her mother’s arms around her tightly.  Chloe stroked the back of his hand, finally free of wires and tubes now that he was dead. 

She wished she hadn’t let Rhys go home after their talk this afternoon.  She understood why he felt he shouldn’t be there, wasn’t welcome… but right now the only thing she wanted was to feel Rhys’s strong hand on her shoulder.  There for her, but letting her grieve in her own way. 

Chloe’s hand went to her shoulder subconsciously, as if she would find his fingers there. 

She looked down momentarily and then back up at her father’s face.

“What happened?  They said he was stable!”  Angie was crying. 

After his second heart attack they had stabilised him, but he had needed some sort of surgery; Chloe didn’t know what exactly, and it didn’t really matter anymore. 

He’d died on the operating table. 

And Chloe just couldn’t believe he was gone.

She thought of her foolish talk about cutting him out of her life…

And now look.

He was gone forever.

 

 

 

 

‘Every Breath You Take’ by Chase Holfelder

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oToFkeC0a4s>

 

_He was so easy to evade._

_Watching him in the dark, stumbling towards the second door I left open for him… I should’ve come up behind him and slit his throat…_

_But not yet.  All in good time._

_It’s funny, how he thinks he’s running to her defence, when it’s me she wants to be with._

_It’s funny how he thinks I’ll let him get near me if it’s not on my terms._

_I have a plan for Finn and he’s not gonna like it._

_And it’s what he deserves for what he’s done to my Rae._

_It’s funny how deluded he is – that he seems to really think that Rae wants him in any way._

_He doesn’t know about the gift she left me._

_Hidden in that little patch of green her bitch mother calls the front garden._

_A key._

_Her key._

_She’s just waiting for me to come and get her._

_And she gave me the way in._

_She wants it._

_She wants me._

_Soon my love._

_Soon._

_I’ll slay the dragon and free the princess._

_And she’ll be so grateful to me._

 

 

 

 

‘The Special Two’ by Missy Higgins

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp3WOpo7Jus>

 

She looked around, this place looked like Stamford, but something wasn’t right.  The light was wrong… the edges were all fuzzy.

Rae looked to her left and saw Finn, laughing, his hand slipped past her hip and cupped her arse and he gave her a cheeky wink.

Rae felt her mouth lift into a smile, she knew her eyes were twinkling with happiness. 

And then she felt another hand smoothly cup her other arse cheek. 

She whipped her head around to see Phil grinning at her.

Rae turned her head to look at Finn but he was still smiling.

“Phil!”  Rae said, snapping her face around to him.

“What?”  He looked bewildered. 

“You’re touching me arse!”

“So’s Finn?”  He was so confused, so Rae turned to see that Finn also looked confused.

“What’s wrong girl?”  Finn asked, concerned, “Are ya worried what people’ll think again?” 

“What?”  Rae asked and she caught Finn’s eyes going to Phil; the two of them sharing a concerned look. 

“Are you alright Rae?”  Phil asked. 

“What is going on?”  Rae demanding, “You don’t get to touch me arse cos Finn is!”  Rae saw a streak of pain in Phil’s eyes that he covered valiantly.

“Rae!”  Finn said, clearly surprised that she had said that, “Phil has a hard enough time feeling like he belongs, what’re ya doing?”

“What?” 

But everything slowly faded into a low lit room, sepia tones and subdued emotions…

And Rae momentarily saw herself sitting in the middle of the room on a comfortable looking arm chair, cradling something, before she felt herself in the room.

She looked up; bewildered again.  The room seemed fuzzy somehow, and it was a room she’d never seen before.  There were strange paintings on the walls, and bright furniture.  She furrowed her brows, trying to figure it out, but a squirming sensation from her arms made her look down.

It was a baby.

A beautiful baby with stunning blue eyes, staring up at her as if he was trying to figure her out. 

Finn walked in with a heat pack and gently squeezed it between her back and the armchair.  Rae realised that her lower back was hurting and this helped. 

“He’s definitely Phil’s in’he?”  Finn said with a huge grin.  “Look at them eyes.” 

Rae scrunched up her face in confusion.

“Finn?”  She shook her head; what was going on?

“I know, I know!  We promised not to guess.  I know it don’t matter.”  He said grinning at the child, “He’s mine, just as much as he is Phil’s and yours.”  He stroked the baby’s cheek lovingly.  “But y’know, I wouldn’t mind making one o’ them with ya too.”  He gave her a cheeky grin, “I know ya don’t wanna think about it right now.  Only just home from th’ hospital an’ all.”

“I…” But Rae didn’t know what to even say to this.  She felt a swell of happiness in her heart that she didn’t understand.  She knew it didn’t belong to her; it belonged to the Rae who lived in this place. 

“Ya’know, it’s gonna be hard to not call him ickle birdy.”  Finn said, “Cos o’ his name.” 

“Finn…”  Rae started to say, but again everything faded out to blackness.

She heard crying in the darkness. 

A pitiful, hopeless crying.

She felt something cold around her neck and scratched at it.

The light came up in a room filled with black and white and grey. 

There seemed to be no colour at all.  And unlike the other fuzzy places she’d been, everything here was sharp; too sharp – so sharp it looked like the edges of the bed in front of her would cut her. 

Everything was crystal clear.

And she was naked. 

And scared.

And cold.

And exhausted.

And there was a strange pain deep inside of her.

She looked down at herself and saw bruises on her body.

Rae again furrowed her brows in confusion as her eyes followed a chain that seemed to be attached to a collar around her neck and to a pole sticking out of the ground in the centre of the room. 

She could see photographs of something gory and terrifying above the bed.

Her heart started to pound and she felt terror welling up in her throat.

Rae screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

But she knew no one was coming for her.

And somehow, on some deep level, she knew that Saul was sitting in a room above her laughing, knowing what she was going through and enjoying it. 

She screamed.

And Rae found herself sitting in her bed in the hotel, her heart pounding furiously in her ears, her hand clutching at her chest, the other squeezing the sheets desperately.

“A dream.”  She whispered.  She was sweaty and panting and she turned to look at Finn as she gasped for air. 

He was sleeping beside her, and on the other side was Phil.  They both stirred, both on the verge of waking up because she was awake.

“Toilet break.”  She gently soothed them both and stood up.  She was filled with nervous energy and she couldn’t just lie down and go back to sleep; she needed to go for a long walk.  “What the fuck.”  She shook her head as she stepped past all the sleeping people as quietly as she could.  “What the fuck was that?”  She mumbled to herself.

She walked down the long corridor to the shared bathrooms and went to the toilet; her head still feeling fuzzy and not screwed on right.  She wouldn’t be surprised if she ‘woke up’ again to realise that waking up and going to the toilet had been a dream too.  She kept waiting for Saul to jump out from a shadow and shock her into wakefulness. 

She washed her hands and wandered down the hallway, passed the room with all her sleeping classmates, wondering if they would get into the next level of the competition, wondering if Archie and Chloe were alright; knowing that death was circling them both at the moment, and having no clear answers was hard.

She tried to not think about Chloe and Archie; there was nothing she could do for them right now.  So she focussed her mind on the competition.  Part of her hoped they would get into the next level, but another part of her hoped they wouldn’t; she didn’t know if her heart, mind or body could stand more of those kisses. 

She realised that she could smell cigarette smoke and looked up, to see a light streaming out from under a closed door; it was Elsa’s door.  This was her room. 

Rae wondered what she was doing awake at this time of the night. 

Before she knew what she was doing she knocked on the door.

“Oh shit.”  She hissed to herself, realising that with a reputation like Elsa’s it was very likely she was fucking someone in there. 

But a moment passed and Elsa opened the door. 

She had a long green dressing gown on and her hair was loose, tumbling down over her breasts, a cigarette in one of her hands, a tired, weary look on her face.

“What is it Rae?”  Her face showed deep concern.

“Couldn’t sleep.”  Rae answered, “I had… it’s daft but…”  Rae hesitated; how could she tell this magnificent woman that she’d been scared silly by a dream.

“I have nightmares too.”  Elsa answered, as if reading her mind.  She opened the door for Rae and invited her in with a dip of her head.  “Sometimes I have to sleep with the light on or I won’t be getting a wink.”  She admitted with a wry grin as she sat down at the table.  There was a lot of paperwork spread out over the table and Rae stared at her for a moment before sitting at the table too.

“Can’t believe you’d have nightmares.”  Rae almost laughed. 

“More than you can imagine.”  Elsa said candidly and took a sip of what looked like red wine.  “Want some?”  She asked as she leaned back and grabbed a cup from the cupboard behind her.

“What is it?”

“Shitty motel port.”  Elsa answered with a grin as she poured some for Rae.  “It’s truly terrible.”  Rae took a sip and pulled a disgusted face.

“Oh god!”  Rae shuddered through the sweet after-burn. 

“Ah but it’ll do in a pinch.”  Elsa chuckled.

“I s’pose.”  Rae croaked through her burned throat.  She cleared her throat and took another sip, again shuddering.  “I’m pretty sure this is just petrol with red food colouring and a shit-ton of sugar in.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re right.”  Elsa agreed.  “So what was your nightmare about?”  She asked as she put her cigarette to her lips.  

“Oh… um… it’s weird.”  Rae answered, “I mean… at first it looked like I were in a relationship with Finn and Phil…”

“Aren’t you?”

“No.  I’m with Finn.”  Rae answered.

“Alright.”  Elsa answered, Rae hadn’t caught the point she was making; Rae actually was in a relationship with both boys.  It just wasn’t what Rae had expected it to be and no one seemed to be calling it what it was.  Which probably meant it wouldn’t last very long.  So Elsa left it and nodded as if she understood what Rae had said.  “My mistake.”  She added for good measure.  “What else happened in your nightmare?”

“Well then I had a kid… Phil’s kid, but Finn said it was his too.”  Rae furrowed her brow, “And he said something about a bird name?” 

“A bird name…?”

“Like our kid as named after a bird?”

“Like Wren or Robin?”  Elsa noted and Rae nodded slowly.

“I s’pose so.”  Rae answered.

“Well I understand then; I’ve always considered motherhood to be nightmare worthy.”  Elsa joked drily.  Rae gave a scoff of a laugh but shook her head.

“No it was after that… I were in this room… I think Saul had me and… he’d…”  Rae felt a shudder of revulsion go through her body and Elsa made a noise of understanding. 

“You’ve gone through a very serious trauma.  It’ll take a long time to get over it.  But you have to accept that you might never get over it.”

“I don’t wanna hear that Elsa.”  Rae answered.

“Trauma that I went through when I was younger than your current age is still with me to this day.”  Elsa said sympathetically.  “It takes time.”  She drew heavily on her cigarette.  “Sometimes it takes a lifetime.”  And took a sip of the cheap port, “And some traumas you don’t wanna let go of.” 

“I can’t imagine what trauma you wouldn’t wanna let go of.”  Rae said softly.  “What was your nightmare about?”  She asked astutely.  Elsa wasn’t drowning herself in paperwork, smoking and drinking at 2 in the morning for no reason. 

“The past.”  Elsa answered opaquely.  “With a hefty side-serving of my father.” 

“You got a shit dad like me huh?”  Rae asked sympathetically.

“I got a dead dad.”  Elsa answered drawing on her cigarette, “And thank fuck for that!”  She raised her glass and Rae joined her, clinking the trashy looking glasses and taking a swig of the disgusting alcohol.  “But look at me being a terrible influence on you.”  Elsa looked both amused and genuinely worried about it. 

“No you’re not.”  Rae answered firmly, “Actually, for a long time now – you been my hero… heroine…”  Elsa gave Rae an unreadable look, but Rae was sure that Elsa was pleased, or touched by Rae’s words. 

“You should be your own heroine.”  Elsa said softly, pouring herself some more port.  Rae held out her glass and Elsa poured her some more too. 

“I know that now.”  Rae said, watching the port pour into her glass, “But I know that cos I been through hell… and I’ve learned…”  Rae looked up at Elsa, “instead of looking to other people to see how they’re getting through all this shit, I realised that I was getting through all this shit.  Me… I was doing it… I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.  I realised that I really am strong.  Like you.  And I also realised that you must’ve gone through hell to be as strong as you are.” 

For a moment it looked like Elsa was going to say something more than what she did say.

“I don’t believe in hell Rae.”

“Oh aye… but I know you still been through it.”

“S’pose…”  Elsa sighed, “you know I think I’ve spent more days in metaphorical hell than in metaphorical heaven.  I thought it was all supposed to even up… I just hope it all stays good from here, so it does even up before the end.”

“So you’re happy now?”  Rae asked hopefully.  If Elsa could go through hell and come out the other side of it finally happy, perhaps she’d eventually get over Saul.

“Yeah I am happy being on my own.”  Elsa said, “Except for the shitty dreams that come up occasionally!”  She gave a light laugh, “But I like the life I’ve made for myself.  I enjoy my independence.”

“But you were happy before… with Raf?”  Rae was curious. 

“No one needs to be in a relationship to be happy Rae.” 

“But you were…?”

“There was… a moment of bliss in that relationship before it all turned to shit.  Like I’ve said in the past; my fault.”

“Why was it your fault?”  Rae asked, “Don’t it always take two?”

“I mean… Raf wasn’t perfect… But didn’t I let him know it?”  Elsa answered, “I had a lot of shit and I made it his problem.”  Elsa shrugged, “I don’t think I should have been in that relationship, I don’t think I’ll ever be right for a relationship again.”

“But when I saw you two together it looked like-“

“We should definitely stay away from each other.”  Elsa shook her head, “However tempting it is to think we shouldn’t.”

“Why?”  Rae was enjoying that she was getting a fairly high level of candidness from Elsa right now.

“Cos he’s like poetry… written in perfect calligraphy on luxurious creamy white pages in the most beautiful book you can imagine.  And I’m a firestorm.”  She looked down with a sad smile.  “And paper doesn’t do so well with fire.”

“So is there no one a firestorm can be with?”  Rae asked sceptically.  She imagined what Kester would say to her if she had said something like that. 

“Oh there’s people who can be with firestorms.”  Elsa said softly, her eyes seemingly distant, “Someone as calm and steady as the earth itself.  Strong in his heritage, who knows himself as well as he knows his place in the grand scheme of things… knows the land and his people… and can see right into the depth of the firestorm, and isn’t afraid, because the earth cannot be burned by the fire.”  Rae was mesmerised by Elsa’s words.  “Someone who loves the fire, and can hold it in his 2 hands.”

“You sound like you’re talking about someone specific, not just a fantasy man.”  Rae almost whispered the words, afraid to break the spell.

“Ah yes, the perfect man.”  Elsa said with a cynical glint in her eye.

“Doesn’t exist right?”  Rae answered, “Kester reminds me that there’s no such thing as the perfect man every time I start to talk about Finn.”  Rae sighed, “But I think he’s getting more and more perfect.”

“If he’s getting more perfect that means he’s not perfect now.”  Elsa answered levelly, glad to have changed topics.  Her heart was hurting and she had to push down all of these memories and feelings or she wouldn’t get any sleep for the rest of the week. 

“I s’pose.”  Rae shrugged, “but maybe I’m trying to redefine perfect.” 

“The only way you should be redefining perfect is if you’re applying this new meaning to yourself.”  Elsa countered and Rae couldn’t help but smile in reply. 

“You know it really did sound like you was talking about someone specific Elsa.”  Rae said softly.  Rae watched as Elsa ran her fingers along a scar on her palm.  Rae had noticed it before, but this was the first time she really took note of it. 

“Nah.”  Elsa answered, her fingers still subconsciously tracing along the scar. “Just imaging a person who was built perfect to handle all my… idiosyncrasies and my sexual appetites.”  She laughed and then shrugged, clearly dismissing the notion.  But Rae caught a hint of deep sadness in her eyes. 

“Can I ask… when did you meet Rhys?  Chlo says you guys are pretty close.”  Rae wondered if it was Rhys that had Elsa’s eyes looking so sad: did she miss Rhys now that he was in love with Chloe?

“We met when I was 20, and he was 14…”  Elsa pulled a face, “God that was a while ago!”  But her eyes had started to shine with mirth now; they always did when she spoke of Rhys.  They always spoke of each other with a great deal of warmth, Rae had noticed that over the months. 

“God I can’t imagine you as a teenager though.”  Rae was amused and captivated by the idea, “Where you wise back then as well?” 

Elsa laughed and shook her head.

“I was never a teenager!”  She joked, but there was an air of finality in her tone.  

“Oh right?”  Rae laughed.

“Yes cos I never talk about before I was 20… therefore I never was that young.”  Elsa’s tone was still light and jokey.

“No but-” Rae pressed.

“I don’t talk about before I was 20.”  All the joking was gone from her voice now.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”  Elsa looked down at the work on the table. 

“I overstepped my bounds.”  Rae put her glass down on the table.

“There was a time I believed in soul mates, one partner forever – like you do now.”  Elsa said, “Which is what this is about.  Everybody thinks that everyone has to find the right person for them.  That they can’t be happy alone forever.  But I can.” 

“You don’t believe in soul mates anymore?”  Rae asked, wanting to know about a time when Elsa did believe in soul mates.

“I’ll never believe that again.”  Elsa answered simply.

“Why?  I mean if… you don’t mind…?”  Rae stumbled over her words slightly, “What changed your mind?”

“It was before I was 20.”  Elsa took a sip of port.

“Right…”  Rae said slowly, dying of curiosity, “I know you don’t put much faith in Kester and the whole psychology thing, but he taught me… talking to people helps.”

“I’ve talked to people Rae.”  Elsa answered as she lit another cigarette, “Rhys in particular.  No one knows me as well as he does… except for-”  But Elsa stopped herself.  She was letting things get away from her; she was tired and slightly tipsy from drinking so much cheap port.  She’d probably regret that in the morning. 

“Raf?”

“Yeah.”  Elsa answered, but Rae noticed her fingers run across the scar on her palm.  Rae felt that this wasn’t an entirely honest answer. 

“I’ve never seen your hair so frizzy.  I like it.”  Rae said, not knowing what else to say.

“Hm?”  Elsa said and looked down at her hair.  She touched it, ran her fingers through the frizzy mess of hair hanging over her breast.  “I suppose it’s my Tongan blood.”  She said and sighed, “I hear we Islanders have frizzier hair than white people.”

“I didn’t know…”  Rae stuttered and then stopped.

“That I wasn’t white.?”  Elsa asked wryly.  “Yeah, I sure do pass for white when I don’t get enough sun.  I guess that’s the price for living in England.”  She joked, “But when I get some sun, the natural brown hues of my skin are more easily recognisable.  I don’t look like I’m a white person with a tan; I look like an Islander.”  She paused and sighed, “A quarter Islander anyway.”  She corrected. 

“Missing the sun?”  Rae asked, feeling like the conversation might still head into deeply interesting territory. 

“Yeah.”  Elsa said softly. 

“Missing home?”

“Every day.”

“Do you visit much?”

“No.”  Elsa said and Rae heard the pain and regret in that reply, “I can’t…” She paused and sighed, “Afford it.  Teacher’s salary and all that.”  But Rae felt like maybe she was getting better at detecting when Elsa wasn’t being entirely honest.  “You know, I miss dying my hair all sorts of colours.  I had it in rainbow colours for a while.”

“They won’t let you do it co’ you a teacher?”  Rae asked and Elsa nodded.

“I’m supposed to at least try and be a good influence on all of you young impressionable little children.”  She laughed, “I honestly don’t know why they let me near children.” 

“You what?”  Rae shook her head.

“I don’t think I’m cut out to be a teacher.”  Elsa mused.

“You’re the best teacher I’ve ever had.”  Rae countered.

“Well I suppose for some people I can be a benefit.”  Elsa answered, “But the school board has very strict ideas on how teachers are supposed to do things… they just don’t appreciate originality, creativity, difference… in student or teacher.”  Elsa sighed.  “But I’m glad I’ve been good for you Rae.  I hope that if I’ve taught you one thing, it’s to believe in yourself.”

“I’ve learned that from you more than anyone.”  Rae answered. 

“Learn it from yourself.”  Elsa answered, “You have all the answers you need; they’re inside you.  Trust yourself.”

“I will.”  Rae answered with an awful feeling of things coming to an end.  And she supposed in many ways they were.  There were only a few months until she would be leaving school, to possibly head to university. 

“Right now, head back to bed, you.”  Elsa answered, “Big day tomorrow; they’re going to tell us we got through to the next round!”

“Did we?”  Rae asked excitedly.

“I assume so.”  Elsa answered; they hadn’t actually told her.  “But how could they not put us through?  Did you see how great we were?”  Elsa looked energised and proud when she talked about the play and Rae had a feeling Elsa would end up going back to theatre one day soon.

“You’re right!”  Rae answered and stood up, “Alright, time for bed.  Again.”  She gave Elsa a nod and headed to the door.

“Goodnight.”

Rae walked back up the corridor, lots of thoughts swirling through her head.  She was positive that Elsa had been talking about someone specific and she wondered what had happened to him. 

When she returned to the place where she was supposed to sleep she found Finn spooning Phil.  She stood with her mouth open in shock and shook her head, trying not to laugh.  Finn had a habit of always trying to find her in his sleep; he’d found the nearest body and hugged up to it, it seemed. 

“Shove over.”  She said to both of them softly and Phil rose his head while Finn rolled onto his back. 

“Hey.”  Phil said through bleary eyes, not really awake.  Rae settled in between them, resting her head on Finn’s chest, his arm wrapping around her as she slept, still on his back.  Phil turned over and put a hand on her hip.  Rae looked down at his hand for a moment, about to push it of her hip.  But instead she sighed and left it.  They were all comfortable; what did it matter?

She fell asleep easily, happy to have the smell of Finn in her nose, and thoughts of Elsa’s past swirling though her imagination. 

 

 

 

 

‘That’s How Strong My Love Is’ by Otis Redding

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7T9HKmERv0>

 

It had taken days for a new flight to Greece to be organised.  
They were meant to still have a month in Egypt, but they hadn’t wanted to finish their itinerary in Egypt: no one had, so all the flights out of the country were booked solid.

But Tom had wanted to take Archie to Greece, just for a week or two.  It was safe there, and it would allow them both some privacy before Archie’s friends and family descended upon them in a panic over what had nearly happened to them.

Archie had agreed.  He wasn’t ready to go home.  At first all he had wanted was the safety of Stamford.  But after a few days he had realised that this would mean having a lot of people around him.  And he wasn’t ready for that. 

Greece definitely looked like a good option.  But they would cut that short too; only spending a few weeks there before heading home.  And the phone lines had been easier to get through to everyone; but Archie supposed they’d all have the postcards he’d sent saying they were ok by now.  He ‘d also decided to send another round of postcards as soon as they’d gotten to Greece. 

Neither of them felt like going out and doing tourist things.  They just wanted a few weeks to come out of the shock they were both still in, before they had to face all the questions and concern of their friends and family. 

Tom had felt a hollow ache; having no family to call, only his dear friends.  It was the first time in a long time that his estrangement from his family had really hurt him.  But they had disowned him for his sexuality; it was only his sister he really missed. 

Archie looked over at Tom as they were driven somewhere; Tom had been fairly secretive about where they were going.

There was a silent, solemn mood in the car. 

“You miss her.”  Archie said softly and Tom looked over at him.

“How do you always know when I’m thinking about my sister?” 

“Cos I love you.  I know you.”  Archie answered.  “We should try and contact her.”

The sentence hung in the air and Tom sighed.

“Why?”  He asked, “To make her life impossibly hard.  I can’t ask her to choose between her parents and her brother.  It’s not fair.” 

“You’re not the one putting that choice on her.”  Archie countered “It’s not like you’re telling her you won’t talk to her if she talks to them.  That’s them saying that shit.” 

“I know, but me being in her life forces that decision down her throat either way.”  Tom answered sadly.

Archie knew there was no point in arguing about this now.  It would take Tom a long time before he’d come around on this.  Before he realised he had to let Lilly have the choice; it was her right.  But then again, Archie thought he might have to give Tom a bit of a nudge. 

“So where are we going?”  Archie asked, looking out the window of the car. 

He was finally in Greece, but he felt no elation. 

He’d wanted come here all of his life.  But after Luxor, he was wiped out.  Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted. 

He had a feeling he’d be seeing a psychologist when he got home. 

The past few days had been filled with jumping, hiding, dropping to the floor at loud noises and passionate, intimate, desperate lovemaking that almost always resulted in one or both of them crying. 

Archie kept replaying the moment that Tom had stepped in front of him in his mind.

He squeezed Tom’s hard tightly, the fear of that moment, that he might actually lose Tom, replaying in his mind, his adrenalin starting to pump again.

He took a deep, steadying breath. 

“It’s a secret.”  Tom gave him a grin.  Archie knew it was meant to be a teasing grin.  But this grin, like all of their smiles over the past few days, was haggard, slightly forced. 

They both knew it.  But they both played along.

The playing along was what was keeping them sane.  Archie felt that if they didn’t have this pretence he might actually fall apart, crying, shaking with fear still. 

“What kind of secret?”  Archie asked.

“One I hope you’ll like.” 

“We both know I will.”  Archie answered with his best rendition of a warm smile. 

“Most likely.”  Tom gifted him with the closest either of them had been to a genuine smile in days. 

But before they had even gotten to where Tom was taking Archie, Archie started to realise where they were going; he had studied this area so much he knew exactly where they were headed.

“The ruins of Pella.”  Archie breathed, his hands going to the window as he stared out at the small modern day town of Pella as they drove towards their destination.

Tom gave a real smile, tinged with sadness; he loved the way Archie was looking out the window, so excited.

“Birthplace of Alexander the Great.”  Tom didn’t need to say; Archie knew.  But Tom wanted Archie to know that Tom had known exactly what he was doing in bringing Archie here.  “I’ve been planning this for a while.”  He added softly and Archie turned back to him and gently kissed him. 

“Thank you.”

“We’re not done yet.”  Tom said, feeling a rush of happiness.  The first in days.  Archie’s excitement was infectious.

It was strange how trauma worked.  How for brief moments it could be forgotten.  But then for days at a time it would dog you, nipping at your heels with every movement you made.  And in a lifetime it would probably never truly leave you.

Today, it would be forgotten for a while.  Or at least it would be suppressed, put to the back… not in control.

They got out of the car and were greeted by a smiling woman in khaki clothes; an archaeologist.  The site wasn’t open to the public, indeed it looked like some sheds in an open field, close to some people’s back yards.  But Tom had pulled a lot of strings, greased a lot of wheels, and made some sizeable donations to some very happy archaeological foundations and universities. 

Her name was Marta, and she was a wonderful guide, passionate and excited about her work here, as in love with Alexander the Great as Archie was; Tom watched on as she ignited a light in Archie’s eyes that had been painfully missing since the tragedy at Luxor.  Tom found himself smiling as he watched his excited, puppy-dog of a fiancée listening intently, discussing animatedly, pointing towards where the palace would have stood…

Tom felt himself smiling.  Really smiling.

Today was good.

They walked through columns, looked at old crumbled foundations for buildings that had once been people’s homes, marvelled at mosaics.  Marta was hoping to one day open the ruins to the public, but for now this was not feasible.  There were too many valuable things being found, too many dangerous spots, too much still to do and the site was still too new to the archaeologists there. 

And then they left Marta to her work with the other archaeologists and were permitted to wonder around alone, eventually heading out for a trek up the hill where Archie thought the palace would have been; Marta had agreed with him and that had elated Archie. 

When they got to the top of the modest hill, they looked back over the ruins and Archie beamed; he’d gotten to see Pella, birthplace of his hero, and he’d done it with no one else present other than some brilliant archaeologists and the love of his life. 

Their driver brought them up a beautiful picnic of traditional Greek foods and Archie was in heaven.

They sat together and ate, the peaceful view over the ruins and the modern day town of Pella was beautiful, the conversation lively but mostly one way: Archie gushing. 

And then Tom handed Archie a small leather bound box, with a small circle cut in the top, revealing an ancient coin, held within the box.

“That coin was found here at Pella.”  Tom said softly and Archie could barely breathe as he held a real piece of history in his hands.  “It’s got Alexander the Great on that side, and Athena on the other side.”  He continued, “They said it’s um… circa 305 BC.” 

Archie looked up at him, his mouth ajar, a stunned look on his face.

“Is this coin for me?”  Archie asked.

“Open the box.”  Tom said softly. 

Archie opened the box to reveal that the ancient coin had been beautifully set in a gold engagement ring.

“Oh my god.”  Archie started to cry; he hadn’t suspected a thing.  He looked up and the engagement ring he’d given Tom flashed in the sun as Tom reached over and took the ring out of the box.  Archie could see that the setting allowed for the coin to be viewed from either side, but once it was on the finger, only Alexander’s face would be visible. 

“I’ve been planning this for a while.”  Tom’s voice was husky, “But you jumped the gun on me; I was supposed to get in first.”  They both laughed, emotional but happy to be alive and together. 

“Sorry.”  Archie chuckled, tears streaming down his face.

“Oh no you’re not!”  Tom laughed and touched Archie’s cheek affectionately, his eyes dropping momentarily to the beautiful ring Archie had gotten him.  “I’d been working on a long speech about how much you changed me for the better, and how much I love you… and how sure I was that you were the best part of my life and how… how much I want to spend this life walking side by side with you, holding your hand… but… I can’t seem to remember all of it now.”  Archie gave him a watery smile.  “It all left my mind 4 days ago when I thought I was gonna lose you forever.  Archie… there is nothing I can say that is as strong as what I feel for you.  I would die for you.”

“I know.” 

“You’re the first person I’ve ever put before myself.”  He said, tears dripping down his cheeks, “I love you more than I love myself…”  He laughed, shaking his head, “I love you more than I thought was possible for me to love anything.  Please, I ask you to stay with me. To…”  His throat caught, “To wait with me until the fucked up laws catch up and we can get married.”  Archie had to laugh, his hands going to Tom’s face.  “Please marry me, and spend your life with me?”  Tom asked as he took Archie’s left hand from his cheek and slid the ring on Archie’s finger as Archie nodded, speechless.  Archie threw his arms around Tom’s neck and kissed him passionately, Tom holding him tightly.  When Archie stopped kissing Tom, he noticed how much Tom was crying, “I thought I’d lost you.”  He whispered and they clung to each other, “I thought…” _we’d die…_

“Me too.”  Archie’s voice choked up and he somehow managed to hold Tom even tighter, both of them crushed into each other, desperately wanting the fear of death and uncertainty to be banished from their lives.  “I love you Tom.  I always will.”  He whispered.  “It’ll always be you.” 

 

 

 

 

‘Rock the Nation’ by Michael Franti & Spearhead

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApFM8qIo-Ys>

 

“Sill no word?”  Rae asked as she pulled her shirt on and Finn put down the phone; he’d just called Archie’s mother again.

“Nothin’.”  Finn lit up a cigarette. 

Rae thought it was a bit early to start smoking.  She looked at the time: 6am.  It was a bit early to be calling other people’s homes too… But she didn’t say anything; it had been a long, anxious wait to hear from Archie and she supposed that Archie’s mum wasn’t sleeping too well either. 

He wasn’t listed among the dead, and neither was Tom.   But apparently the phone lines where unreliable; with so many people trying to phone out of Egypt.  So they were yet to hear anything from Luxor confirming that he was alive. 

She sat down on the bed beside him and rubbed his back soothingly. 

“If he were dead you’d know – he like a brother to ya.”  She told him and he sighed, his head down, his face troubled, his eyes distant.  “You’d know Finn.”

“I s’pose.”  He mumbled and took a deep breath.  “Alright, let’s get to training.”  He tried to put his worry to the back of his mind and got up and to get dressed.

***

Rhys scanned Chloe, looking for any signs that she wasn’t comfortable with what he was saying.

“So I think we really need to work on you both learning how to take a punch.”  Rhys continued, “It don’t matter how much training we do; I can never train you to the point that no one will ever land a punch on you.”

“I don’t like the sound o’ this.”  Rae groaned.

“Me either.”  Finn said, but there was a tone of begrudging acceptance in his voice; he knew it had to happen.

“So… what does it mean?”  Chloe asked, “We just punch each other?”

“Yeah.”  Rhys said.  “Everyone that trains to fight, has to eventually learn how to take a punch.”  Rhys said, “At the moment, it stuns you too much; you’re not used to it.”

“I had bruises all up and down me arms when I first started training.”  Finn said, “from blocking.”

“Why haven’t we had bruises?”  Chloe asked.

“Haven’t been going that hard…”  Finn answered, already knowing how Chloe would take that.

“And why the fuck not?”  Chloe’s eyes lit with fire, she turned on Rhys, “Are we just weak little girls to you?”  She asked him, then turned back to Finn, “We’ve got more real threat of violence against us than you could ever imagine!”  Her eyes returned to Rhys, “Why on earth wouldn’t you go hard on us?”

“I have.”  Rhys answered, “But you weren’t ready for this hard yet.  But you are now.”  Rhys answered.  “This is gonna hurt.” 

 

***

 

After a brutally hard warm up, Chloe and Rae were panting and sweating.  They stood, facing each other, neither wanting to go first.  They were wearing gloves, but they knew they were working to go bare fisted eventually. 

“I’m too soft for this shit.”  Rae mumbled.

“Oh for fucks sake.”  Chloe sighed, “just punch me Rae.”  She said, “I gotta learn to take it, so punch me.”

“I can’t punch you, you’re me best mate.”  Rae looked uncomfortably at Chloe, then Finn and Rhys.  Finn was trying not to shake his head, and Rhys was about to order them to get to it; she could see the look in his eyes. 

“DO IT!  Chloe yelled.

“Fuck, alright.”  Rae answered and punched Chloe gently on the side of the face. 

“Good start.”  Finn encouraged, but his eyes were down, and he was biting his tongue.

“Now your turn.”  Rae said to Chloe. 

But Chloe stopped, stared at Rae with a thoughtful expression.

“Why’d you say I didn’t deserve Finn in your diary?”  Chloe asked.  Rae’s eyes shot to Finn and then Rhys, but saw that both men were focussed on the training, and the question didn’t bother them. 

“Cos I thought you were a fucking slag.”  Rae spat at Chloe, “Wanna hit me bitch?” 

Chloe hit Rae in the face, a cry of frustrated, emotional pain escaping her.

Rae staggered back, stunned by the force of the hit.  She looked up at Chloe, tears in her eyes.

“I didn’t mean it.”  Rae said.

“I know.”  Chloe answered.  “Still hurts…”  Her voice cracked.

“I wrote it down cos I didn’t like meself very much, and I knew you liked him, and I knew I didn’t stand a chance against you.  I thought you probably thought I didn’t stand a chance either…”  Rae straightened up, rubbing her cheek, wondering if she’d bruise, “I hated meself so I turned you into a bitch in me head so I could stand meself enough to think I might have a chance with Finn.”

“Shit.”  Finn mumbled. 

“I thought I had no chance with him.”  Chloe answered, “Cos he were always laughing with you.  Anyone could see he preferred you.”  Chloe said.

“But it don’t matter no more.”  Rae said and Chloe nodded.

“But… I’m not a slag.”

“I know Chloe…”  Rae felt bad.

“I thought your reluctance to have sex was a judgement on my willingness to have sex.”  Chloe said softly. 

“No.”  Rae said with the same soft tone.  “That was about my own shit.”

“Yeah I know that now.  But I thought you thought I were a slag… like everyone else.”  Chloe wiped her nose and took a big breath, “It took me far too long to realise that really it was me who thought that way about myself… and I was just thinking that everyone else must think the same things about me as I did.”

“I only said that to make you hit me.’  Rae said.  “I don’t think that.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with being a slut anyway.”  Chloe said and took another deep breath, “Society applauds men for having sex and shames women.  It’s rubbish.”

“Worst kind o’ rubbish.”  Rae agreed, “But you still believe it a little?”  Rae asked, “Cos I said it to rile you up – and it worked.”

“Do we ever really get over these scars?”

“I dunno.”  Rae answered.

“Well Finn would’ve been better off with me cos he wouldn’t o’ got all the shit he got for fucking a minger that he did being with you.” 

Rae’s nostrils flared.  In the back of her head she realised what Chloe was doing, and she let it work. 

She punched Chloe as hard as she could and Chloe staggered backward.

Chloe wiped her mouth, expecting to see blood and straightened up, shaking her head to get focus.

“Your English essay is the biggest pile of steaming shite I ever seen.”  Rae said, “You spent all fucking months working your arse off for it and it looks like a five year old put it together in 3 minutes.”

“FUCK YOU!”  Chloe said and punched Rae hard. 

Finn and Rhys shared a look.

“Sometimes I get so angry at how hot Finn is; I’ll never be hot enough!”  Rae said and punched Chloe.

“Yeah well Rhys is so fucking thoughtful I keep thinking I’ll never match up to him!”  Chloe punched Rae.

Finn and Rhys shared another look. 

“I still blame myself a bit for Tix’s death.” 

“I still blame myself for my own rape.”

“I feel like I’ll never get over all of this completely.”

“Every time I’m starting to get better something slaps me right back down!”

“I feel like I’ll never be free of Saul.”

“Ian’ll never stop coming foe me.”

“I wish I’d killed Saul when he was in my room!”  Each statement the punches got harder.

“I wanna kill Ian!” 

“Ok we might stop now.”  Rhys said looking at the panting, bleeding women. 

“Why would we do that?”  Chloe asked angrily, “I gotta learn to take a fucking punch.  Cos that’s something every fucking woman has to do in some way or another.  Cos that’s the kinda world we live in… Where I gotta trade blows with me bestie cos we both got men who don’t know how to hear the word no?”  Chloe pulled her gloves off and threw them onto the ground, storming off, tears in her eyes. 

“Time to be the bestie.”  Rae said taking off her gloves and handing them to Rhys before following after Chloe. 

“They have got a whole lot more going on than I realised.”  Finn breathed out his tension.

“There’s still a lot more to come out of them in these sessions.”  Rhys said and picked up Chloe’s gloves. 

“Sounds… great…” 

 

***

 

In the women’s change rooms Rae was holding Chloe tightly as she sobbed. 

There was nothing more to say right now. 

 

***

 

Chloe looked in the mirror as she dried her hair. 

She’d noticed the pair of purple boxing gloves on the coffee table – she knew they’d fit her perfectly. 

She noticed all the changes to his home Rhys was making to make her stay there more comfortable.  An extra lock on his door, a new alarm system that could be on even when she was in the house – it would go off if the windows were moved without the appropriate pin put into the keypad first, a new wardrobe arrived yesterday, for her room.

He’d asked her if she wanted to change the colours in the room.

She did.

But this was temporary, so she had no intention of actually doing that. 

She would have to move back in with her mother and Angie now that he father was dead. 

She sat down on the bed. 

The feeling of needing to cry stung her eyes; but there were no tears. 

She took a deep breath and got up, heading out to the lounge room, a towel draped around her, where Rhys will have cooked her a delicious breakfast…

But he was not in the kitchen.

Chloe looked around for him, finding him in the bathroom, about to start the shower. 

“You didn’t-” But she stopped herself.  Had she been expecting him to cook for her?  Wasn’t that the sort of thing she hated?

“I forgot.”  She knew he was lying. 

“You’d never forget to cook me breakfast.”  Chloe said and Rhys gave her a cheeky grin. 

“That’s true.”  He agreed, “But I’m very busy this morning, so I ran out of time.” 

Chloe gave a soft laugh and looked down at the floor, tears coming to her eyes again.

“You even try to be a bad boyfriend for me when I whinge about you being perfect.”  She shook her head.  Rhys reached out to her and pulled her into the shower, Chloe dropped her towel and accepted that she’d be having a second shower this morning. 

“If it seems that I’m perfect, it’s an illusion.”  He said, “If it seems like I’m too considerate… it’s just cos you’re always on my mind missy.”

Chloe stroked his cheek.

“I think about you all the time but I don’t manage to be…”  She shook her head, not able to come up with the right words.

“Yes you do.  You just underestimate yourself and the impact you’ve had on my life.” 

Chloe got onto her tiptoes and laced her arms around his neck, kissing him passionately. 

“How about I cook breakfast this morning?”  Chloe asked and instantly saw Rhys hesitate, “Don’t worry I won’t cook diet porridge ever again!”  She laughed. 

“I’m still recovering from that glass of skim milk you gave me…”  Rhys said and pulled a disgusted face.

“Yes I know, whole foods.  Whole fat, whole grain, whole everything!”  Chloe sighed, “It’s just the way I was raised Rhys; girls are supposed to be so terrified of putting on weight that we never eat real food that actually tastes nice and that we enjoy…”  She shrugged, “I’m still unlearning it.” 

“I’m still fighting not to throw out that carton of skim milk every time I open the fridge.”  Rhys teased. 

“It’s not that bad!”  Chloe laughed.  “But I do find myself preferring full-fat milk nowadays…”

“Whole milk.” 

“You’re kinda anal about this stuff aren’t you?”

“Consider it a flaw miss Chloe.” 

“It’s part of your charm.”  Chloe answered and Rhys shook his head in reply, a huge grin on his face.  “Alright, I’m gonna go try my hand at cooking a fry up afore school.”

“That sounds good.”  Rhys answered as Chloe got out of the shower. 

She dried herself and wandered through the apartment naked. 

Mr Meow jumped in through the window and wound around her legs as she stood looking in the fridge. 

She started singing, her mood greatly improved in comparison to how she had felt after training this morning. 

 

***

 

“So they’re in Greece now.”  Chloe said looking at the post card.  “They both have engagement rings!”  Her grin was infectious and Rae watched her as she read the postcard. 

They were all so relieved.

But Phil leaned back behind Rae and got Finn’s attention.

“What?”  Finn asked in a low voice as everyone else listened to Chloe. 

“You noticed James?”  Phil asked and Finn pulled a face.

“Aye I noticed him.”

“He’s got eyes for Rae.”  Phil continued.

“Aye I’ve noticed ‘im looking.  He used to know Chlo and Rae back in the day.”  Finn shrugged, “Don’t really care if he got a thing for her?  I kinda expect it… I judge guys that don’t have a thing for her.”  He gave a cheeky grin and Phil couldn’t help but return the grin.

“Yeah same.”  Phil replied. 

“Aye so we know he got good taste and common sense.”  Finn shrugged again, “I trust Rae to do what’s best for her.”

“Yeah.”  Phil nodded and looked at James, sitting next to Izzy for the first time in a long time; he usually sat next to Finn.  His eyes kept flicking over to them and darting away.  “He doesn’t want anyone to know…”

“I’ve got a bit of a bad reputation.”  Finn gave a big grin.

“I know!”  Phil laughed, “I was on the receiving end of it!”  They both laughed, “I got broken fuckin’ ribs from it!”  Finn laughed louder in response and Rae looked back at them.

“What are you two doing?”  She asked and Finn shrugged and kissed her cheek.

“Reminiscing.”  He answered.

“Oh aye, what about?”

“That AFL match.”  Finn grinned.  “The first one, remember?”

“The one where you broke Phil’s ribs?” 

“Aye that’s the one!”  Finn said, “It we-”

“Oi fucker!”  Chloe said loudly and Finn snapped his head around to look at her, “You wanna hear about your best friend who faced down death itself and is now happily engaged, or d’you wanna fuck around?”

“I’m listening!”  Finn answered, mumbling that he had actually gotten a postcard himself… Two had arrived on the same day; a hurried one sent from Egypt and a more detailed one sent from Greece.  He’d also had a few phone calls with Archie over the past few days. 

“Apparently there were mass protests in Egypt after the shooting.”  Chloe continued; “No one there supported it, and their friend Mohammed was leading some of the protests.  Good on him!”  Chloe continued, “they’ll be back home in December, not as soon as his mother wants him home, but much sooner than they were originally intending.” 

“Thank fuck.”  Rae shuddered at the thought of what Archie and Tom had been through, “I can’t wait to see ‘em both; I won’t really know they’re safe till I see ‘em.”

 

 

 

 

‘Confrontation’ by Otep

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D79peD6i-rw>

 

Chloe tried to regulate her breathing; she was running hard, getting all of her emotion out by pounding the pavement. 

She had her head down, letting the pavement lead her wherever it would.

Her mind jumped from one horrible thing to the next.

Her father’s fingernails and lips going blue.

The way Ian’s face looked when he was above her, straining and grunting.

A gun pointed at Archie in a faraway, too bright, desert.

A knife against Rae’s throat, a silent sob on her lips.

A knife in Finn’s guts, his skin pale, his eyes growing distant.

Izzy’s hair falling out, the tears from her hollowing eyes.

It was too much.

It was too much

It was too-

Someone slammed into her – or rather she had bumped into someone and they hadn’t yielded one bit.

She turned slightly, not looking up at the person.

“Sorry.”  She mumbled before turning back to her run.

“Are you though?”  He said as he grabbed her ponytail and yanked her back.

Chloe became acutely aware of her surroundings far too late as her back slammed against the ground and the air left her lungs forcefully. 

She looked up at Ian, looking down at her. 

And then Ben came into view.

And Andrew.

“Get away from me.”  She was impressed with how even her voice sounded; she was panting heavily from the combination of her hard run and the violence of her impact with the ground.  She saw the cast on Ian’s arm; from where she had broken it with her softball bat, and felt a deep sense of satisfaction.

She started to get up but Ian used his foot to push her back down.

“I told you to stay away from me.”  Chloe said.

Ian began to smugly retort, but Chloe simply grabbed his ankle, as quick as a flash and twisted it brutally, sending Ian sprawling onto his stomach beside her.  She jumped up and took a strong fighting stance; one that she had seen Rhys and Finn use often. 

Ben narrowed his eyes slightly, measuring her.

“There’s no softball bats out here bitch.”  He warned. 

“Don’t need one.”  Chloe answered fiercely.  “I’m ready for a confrontation motherfucker.”  She tightened her fists, relying on her peripheral vision to watch Ian as he staggered back to his feet. 

“That’s a cute new trick.”  Ian said wiping dirt from his palms.

“Oh I’m full of ‘em.”  Chloe answered, “If you liked that, just wait for what-”

“You can’t beat 3 of us.”  Andrew said, “Give it up slag.” 

“I can and I will.”  Chloe said calmly.  She felt an odd sense of peace descend upon her; her shaking innards were soothed.  This must be how Rhys felt before a big fight; she’d seen that calmness come over him before, a sense of self-confidence – she was sure, no she KNEW she could beat them.  It wouldn’t be pretty, it was gonna hurt… but she could do it.

And for the first time in her life, she wasn’t afraid of how much it would hurt.  She didn’t care how un-pretty she would become.  She would be free of these pigs.

Ben took a step back; he could see the change in her.

Andrew was the first to try and hit her; Ian and Ben knew enough of Chloe’s skill to be cautious. 

Chloe easily dodged him, caught his forearm between her hands and yanked him closer to her, kneeing him in the stomach and pushing him away in one fluid movement. 

She then ducked under the kick Ben aimed at her head and swept her feet at his ankle, causing him to fall flat on his arse, where she had easy aim and kicked him square in the face.  She was back up to her full height in a second and let rip with a kick aimed at Ian’s stomach. 

She knew her kicks were her strength; but so did Ian, and he backed up quickly. 

Chloe was aware she had her back to Andrew and Ben; both of them were currently in pain and trying to get to their feet.  She knew she would have to turn back to them soon, but she wanted to see if she could injure Ian first.

He dodged another kick, and Chloe turned back to Andrew, in the process of getting to his feet and kicked him hard in the face. 

But Ben was already on his feet; he knew how to take a punch because he’d had training. 

But that didn’t scare Chloe, she punched out with her fist and he blocked it, countering with his own punch that she blocked. 

A rapid succession of punches and blocks ensued, ending when Ben punched Chloe square in the nose; he had faked punching for the jaw, making her block incorrectly, and changed course mid-punch, landing the punch hard. 

Chloe staggered backward, dazed, and from the crunch she’d heard, she knew her nose was broken. 

But she shook her head, squared her shoulders, settled back into her fighting stance and cocked her jaw at him arrogantly.

“Gonna have to do better than that.”  She said, the blood dripping down her face. 

Chloe felt another tingle of satisfaction when Ben backed up slightly; he’d punched her hard, she should be down for the count… any other woman would be. 

“Don’t mess up her face!”  Ian hissed.  But Ben kept his eyes on Chloe.

“Maybe you’re gonna end up being a worthwhile opponent.”  Ben said to her softly, squaring up again.  But Chloe laughed, sadistically, confidently.

“I’m not.”  She answered, “I’m more than you can handle.” 

Andrew was only just staggering to his feet, wiping blood from his mouth, looking at the teeth Chloe had kicked out of his mouth. 

“Fucking bitch…”  He sounded stunned that this had happened to him; that a slag like Chloe could do it to him – a bitch he’d fucked more times than he could count, and more times than she could count too because she had been high or passed out most of the time he’d done it. 

“Yeah I am.”  Chloe answered, “A complete fucking bitch.  And proud of it.” 

Andrew hesitated, taking a step back. 

“For fuck’s sake.”  Ian was exasperated at Andrew and Ben’s hesitation. 

He lunged at Chloe and she bent into his onslaught, grabbed his arm and used his momentum to throw him to the ground. 

And as soon as he was on the ground she stomped his balls, his stomach and then his face.

She screamed with fury and turned on Ben and Andrew.

“You’re next fuckers!”  She roared and let fly with a kick that hit its mark on Andrew’s temple, knocking him out, his body collapsing next to Ian as he writhed in pain, blood dripping from his bloodied mouth as he whimpered.

Chloe checked her emotions and focussed on Ben.

“Come get it.”  She challenged. 

Ben came at her with everything he had, Chloe blocked many of his hits, but one landed on her breast knocking the air out of her lungs, another hit her ribs painfully, and one of his hooks impacted with her jaw, another with her eye.

But she landed her own hits, three on his face, breaking his nose, another on his sternum, cracking her own knuckles but also winding and slowing him down, four more to his ribs and stomach. 

She knew she was faster, nimbler, she had more stamina – she could outlast him, and then when he was tired she could get him. 

But when he went in for a roundhouse kick, Chloe saw her opening and kicked him in the balls.  Hard. 

Ben grabbed his balls and gave her a disbelieving look; like she wasn’t allowed to play dirty, not even when her life depended on it.

He crumpled to the ground groaning and Chloe kicked him in the back of the head, mostly out of spite than any need; he was no threat to her now.

She stood, bloodied and in pain, while three men lay at her feet, defeated. 

She laughed, feeling a huge surge of relief; she’d done it.  She could do it again if she had to… and they knew that.  She’d seen it in Ben’s eyes when he collapsed.  She could see it in the way Ian was trying to inconspicuously edge away from her. 

“Don’t come near me again.”  Chloe said, “Or I’ll beat you even worse next time.”  She warned, “it don’t matter how many men you bring, it don’t matter what weapons you got.  It don’t matter how much you think you’re gonna win this… you never will.  I will beat you down every time.”  She stared Ian down, “Don’t come near me again.”  She turned and walked away, not looking back once.

But she listened carefully, just in case they tried to sneak up behind her.

They didn’t. 

*

Chloe’s shirt was covered in blood when she got home, her nose still dribbling red sluggishly. 

“What the fuck happened?”  Rhys was on his feet instantly.

“Can you take me to the hospital?”  She asked and gave him a big grin.  “I beat him.”

“Ian…”  Rhys shook his head and went to get her a wet flannel.  He was fuming inside, trying to quell his urge to kill that fucker.

“And Ben and Andrew.”  Chloe said as she took the flannel from him and held it to her nose.  “I did it Rhys.  They were all at my feet at the end of it.” 

Rhys gave her a huge victorious smile.

“Good.”  He said fiercely.  “That’s where arseholes like that deserve to be.”

“Not only do I know when to smash a cunt,” Chloe said, paraphrasing Rhys, “But I also know how to.” 

“Yes.”  Rhys answered picking up his car keys, knowing that she would feel elated for a long time, “Now it’s time to push our training to a higher level.”

Her eyes blazed when she turned to him. 

She nodded.

“Fuck yes.”  She answered, “No one’s ever touching me without my permission again.” 

“I am honoured to have taught you.”  Rhys said firmly, and then a small smile, “Missy.”  He kissed her forehead, proud of her, happy to see this change in her from the last time she had had a run in with Ian. 

She was not afraid anymore. 

She was finally free.

 

 

 

 

‘Like a Dog’ by Powderfinger

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1nJg2BzOt8>

 

As Chloe was getting stitches in her eyebrow, her nose having just been set, Finn was pulling on his gloves, Phil standing across from him, shirtless, with gloves on. 

“I don’t understand why we have to be shirtless?”  Phil protested.

“Cos when we go bare knuckles it’ll leave marks we can see.”  Finn answered as if this was perfectly reasonable, “Best get used to it now.” 

“Right…”  Phil said looking down at his chest and trying not to compare it to Finn’s.

Finn was built strong; big strong muscles. 

Phil was built smaller, compact small muscles, and also paler skin.  He almost felt like the skinny nerd stereotype except he actually did have a decent amount of muscle. 

“Rae’s been learning to take a hit this week.”  Finn said, “Chloe and her been at it.”

“Explains the bruises.”  Phil answered.

“Aye, and I figured it’s time for us to move onto that.”  Finn explained, “You’ve already had a bunch of physical training from your personal trainer, so I don’t think it’ll be much of a stretch for ya.”  Finn shrugged and Phil cocked an eyebrow in response. 

“You just couldn’t wait to go Neanderthal with me again could you?”  Phil quipped.

“Oh aye, that’s me; I lay awake at night thinking about whipping your Aristocratic arse.” 

“Oh, is this going to get some homoerotic subtext?”  Phil asked and cocked his eyebrow.  Finn dropped his head to one side with a questioning expression.

“You what?”

“You can’t be as good at English and Drama as I am without being able to see the homoerotic subtext in almost everything.”  Phil laughed at Finn’s expression.  “Don’t worry, you’ll see it when you get better at English.”

“Fuck it, I don’t think I’ll ever be that good at it.”  Finn shrugged, “I just wanna keep up with me girl.”

“You do a lot for her.”

“She does more for me.”  Finn shrugged again and Phil found himself admiring Finn – he really was a good man.  He shook his head and laughed.  “What?”  Finn asked and Phil sighed.

“Just thinking how things have changed.”  He answered. 

“Aye, I s’pose they have… but that’s life innit?  Always changing.”  Finn punched his gloved hands together.  “Does Rae see that… that homoerotic subtext?”  Finn asked, eyeing Phil closely.

“Course she does, she’s brilliant, she sees all the subtexts in everything she reads and writes.”  Phil answered simply and then punched his gloved fists together, just as Finn had, albeit not as hard as Finn had done it. 

“Is there a lot of homoerotic subtext in what we’re-” But Finn stopped himself, “In this place.”

Phil cocked and eyebrow and looked around the gym full of half-naked sweating men, grunting and pounding each other and punching bags, lifting weights, pushing their physical limits, training hard, wrestling, fighting, martial arts, undressing as they headed to the showers…

“Are you kidding?”  Phil asked and Finn looked around the gym full of men working out, striving for their fitness goals, going hard, getting what they want.  He shrugged and turned his eyes back to Phil.

“it’s just a gym… I mean there’s not enough women coming here, but Rhys is working on that, getting a lot o’ success too.”  Finn looked around; there were no women here now, but he knew that there was a regular women’s kickboxing class on in 30 minutes – it was a huge success so a lot of women would be coming soon.

“Yes, it is just a gym.”  Phil agreed, “But I’ve never seen more naked men in my life than I have here.”

“But seeing a guy’s dick don’t make ya gay.”  Finn answered.

“No, but I’m almost certain that a lot of gay men see a bit of dick in their time.” 

There was a moment of silence while Finn ticked that over.

“Oh I see…” He drawled.  “It’s not that it is gay to see dick, it’s that seeing dick is something that every gay bloke does, so it could be interpreted as gay…”

“Yes.”  Phil answered, “although I’m sure there’s some gay guys that haven’t seen dick and won’t see dick for various reasons… but mostly yes.”  Finn cocked his head to the side, “Some people are sex repulsed regardless of their orientation.”  Phil answered Finn’s unspoken question, “Some people stay in the closet their whole lives, or choose to not act upon their desires for lots of different reasons… Some gay cis men fall in love with gay trans men who don’t get bottom surgery, and they stay together forever…” Phil shrugged, “There’s lots of different circumstances in people’s lives regardless of their orientation.” 

Finn nodded, but he was looking around the gym again, his eyes stopped on a pair of men wrestling, with 2 men watching them.  They were both on their knees, one holding the other’s waist, they were rocking back and forth as the one man tried to flip the other and the other tried to resist it.  They grunted, and sweat dripped from them as they groaned with effort.

“Oh I see it now…”  Finn said in the whisper of a man who’d just had his eyes opened.  Phil made a small noise in reply.  “But not all gay men are this… physical…”  Finn answered.

“No.”  Phil agreed, “But the point is – some are.”

“So this activity, which is routinely interpreted as straight-”

“Because of heteronormativity.”  Phil added.

“Can also be interpreted as gay.”

“Which a lot of gay people do – reinterpret media and situations typically seen as hetero, to be gay.”

“Cos they got no…” Finn was silent.  “I never seen a gay hero in a movie.”  Phil nodded slowly.  “It’s that hetero… normativity?”  he said the word like he wasn’t sure he was saying it right.

“Everyone’s assumed to be straight until proven otherwise.  And the only way to prove it is to say it explicitly.  And if you say it explicitly, straight people will accuse gay people of rubbing it in their faces.”

“That’s shite that is.”  Finn bit his bottom lip, thinking of Archie and Tom, “Me best mate’s gay and I never thought about how fucked this world really is for him.”

“You’ve never had to.”  Phil answered.  “It’s good that your starting to now.”

“Still got a long way to go.”  Finn answered, “But I think I’m getting better at thinking outside me own box, y’know?” 

“Me too.”  Phil answered.  “Surprised Rhys didn’t say something about it…”  Phil said, “He’s very patient about this kind of thing… about teaching.  I think that’s his calling you know; being a great teacher of people.  That man could change the world.”

“Nah he don’t wanna be a teacher.  He just patient with people he’s decided are his friends.”  Finn shrugged, “I’m one of the lucky ones there.”

“I would think even his lack of patience would be a great teacher.”  Phil replied and Finn laughed, thinking about the time Rhys had kicked a racist man in the face; no one in the gym had ever said a racist thing to him since.

“You’re damn right it is!”  Finn agreed.  “He’s one of the best men I’ve ever known.”  Finn said, “I wouldn’t be the man I am without him having been my trainer and friend.” 

“Sometimes it’s very obvious who the people are in our lives that are going to make us better human beings.”  Phil said, “And sometimes it’s not,” He continued meaningfully, “And you’re very lucky if you manage to realise how great a person is before it’s too late.”

Finn gave him a crooked smile.

“Likewise you snotty dipshit.” 

“Now are we gonna get sweaty while we pound each other Lyn?”

“Oh right!”  Finn answered, “time to box!” 

 

 

 

 

‘Supernova’ by Liz Phair

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM60GAPIXTY>

Linda looked first at the bubbles in her chilled glass of champagne, then at the big red strawberries, the plump blueberries, blackberries and luscious chocolate… Then she looked up at the woman sitting across from her.

Kenzie was running her finger around the edge of her glass as she spoke. 

“Of course, I didn’t know that at the time.”  She was saying, “I look back at it all now, and I know I could have never harmed Finn.  But back then I was sure I was going to kill him.”  She shook her head, “I suppose it sounds abhorrent to mothers everywhere… but… I was so depressed and…”  She shook her head again, “My mind wasn’t my own.  I had to protect Finn.  And now I feel like I just wasted so much time that we could have had together.”  She sighed heavily, “And I don’t know how to mend it.”

“I understand.”  Linda said, “After Aiesha was born my mind wasn’t mine too.”  Kenzie looked up and Linda and they shared a small smile.  “Course I never wanted to kill Aiesha, sweet ickle baby… but I’ve wanted to kill Rae more than once over the years.”  She laughed and Kenzie’s smile broadened.  “But you know, we get on better now.  And I think we’ll get on even better once she’s moved out.”  Linda sighed, “I don’t want her to go, but it’s inevitable.  And I know once she’s got her own space and her own bills… she’ll appreciate what she had here a bit more.”  Linda looked Kenzie in the eye, “Give Finn some space, let him come to you; he’ll take his time.  He likes to think things through that lad.  But he wants a relationship with you.  He wants things to work out.  But you can’t force it.” 

“You’re right.”  Kenzie answered, “I just want so much, to make it up to him, to undo what I did, to-” But she stopped herself.  “There’s so much I want to do.”  She finished softly.

“But it’s not about you is it?”  Linda replied, “It’s all about Finn.” 

“Yes.”  Kenzie answered thoughtfully.

“Of course it’s about you!”  Linda said, “You feel guilty and ashamed… just don’t put all of that feeling on Finn.  Deal with it instead of having come between you and your boy.” 

“You’re right.”  Kenzie answered and took a sip of champagne.  She was glad she’d suggested these brunches with Linda; and even gladder that Linda had accepted.  “You’re very wise.”

“I’ve never been called bloody wise before.”  Linda answered.  She chuckled and shook her head, “he’s a good lad, that one.”  Linda reassured Kenzie. 

“I’m glad you think so.”

“No, I do.”  Linda said slowly, “I wasn’t always sure he was.  But I am now.”  She watched as Kenzie took a bite of a strawberry.  “When I was a girl, I was taught that boys pulled your hair or hit you when they liked you, that it was romantic for the boy to keep chasing the girl after she’d said no… my ma told me that a real men didn’t take no for an answer; that it was sign of his passion and love for his woman to pursue her no matter what.”  She took a deep breath.  “I’m glad that Finn knows better; that he respects Rae enough to not be like that.  Because she’d got a man that don’t take no for an answer.  And I live in fear of him getting to her every day.  But with Finn watching over her and being as good as he is… I get to be a little less afraid.”

“You’re talking about Saul.”  Kenzie said and Linda nodded in response.  “Yes it’s quite scary how children are almost taught that stalking is romantic… that abuse is love.”  She looked down at her hands, “But I can’t take credit for Finn being better than that.  that’s his father’s teaching.  Gary’s a good man.”

“Yes.”  Linda agreed.  “He deserves to be happy.”  Linda said astutely, sucked her teeth for a minute to stop herself elaborating on that point, and shoved a blueberry in her mouth.  She would have preferred to eat chocolate, but she’d be damned before she ate that chocolate in front of the skinny-minny Kenzie. 

“I agree.”  Kenzie nodded.  “And I’m scared of Saul coming back… I think he’ll try and hurt Finn.”

“Yes.”  Linda nodded.  “If he ever comes back… I think he’ll try to kill Finn and kidnap Rae.” 

They shared a look of deep fear for their children.

“How did she meet him?”

“At a party I think.  He was friends with Chloe’s boyfriend at the time.”  Linda considered that for a moment, “I much prefer her current boyfriend.”

“That Rhys fellow.”  Kenzie nodded; she was trying so hard to get her head around all of Finn’s friends.  “He’s the kind of lad my ma used to warn me about.  She never warned me about the Saul’s of the world.”

“My ma was wrong about a lot of things as well.”  Linda agreed.  “Makes me wonder what I been wrong about with Rae.”

“Not much.”  Kenzie answered, “She’s a wonderful lass.”

But Linda shook her head, thinking about all the body shame, bad eating habits, self-cruelty and shitty self-esteem habits she’d probably passed on to Rae.

But there was no way she was going to talk about all of that to Kenzie.

“Yeah she’s alright my girl.”  Linda nodded.  “At least I know she’ll get through anything in this world… As long as Saul don’t get his hands on her.”

“I’ll pray for that.”  Kenzie answered, “I’ll pray he gets arrested before he ever has a chance to get near her again.” 

“I pray that a lot worse happens to him at the mosque every Friday.”  Linda answered. 

“I don’t blame you.”  Kenzie replied.  “But I don’t think God answers those prayers.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think Allah does either.”  Linda sighed.  “Bloody loving gods.  What good are they?” 

They shared a laugh. 

“They’re great when you’re trying to forgive yourself.”  Kenzie said softly. 

“Yes they are.”  Linda agreed, “Merciful, loving gods are very welcome when you need to show yourself love and compassion and mercy…”

“It’s like they give you permission to be kind to yourself.”

“It’s a pity we feel like we need that permission.  It should just be the default.”

 

 

 

 

‘Hurt’ by Johnny Cash

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc>

lines of heads bowed.  The sound of soft crying.  Sombre words of praise.

Chloe stood as the priest intoned his praise of the lord and then sat again, her eyes unable to leave her father’s coffin.  Her face bruised and battered, but covered with a thick layer of makeup, so even her own mother had barely noticed.  Everyone assumed her face was swollen from crying.  She wore a black lace veil that hid her eyebrow stiches and kept her face lowered. 

This morning she had nearly had a complete breakdown trying to get her makeup to cover all of her bruises and scars…

She had thrown her foundation across the room, smashing it and leaving a dent in the wall and powder all over the floor.

But Rhys had held her calmly, saying soothing things. 

Then he had called Nikki, his close friend, a Muslim woman skilled in giving comfort and making makeup pop.  Her words – not his. 

Nikki had cooked chocolate muffins in tea cups in the microwave and topped them with heavy cream.

Nikki had brought over the gorgeous hat Chloe was wearing, with the lace veil covering her face down to the nose.

Nikki had done the make p that expertly covered Chloe’s battle scars. 

Nikki had talked about Allah’s plan and how death was just the next step, that her father was in paradise, heaven… She had told Chloe to have faith in an afterlife, and in God’s love. 

Nikki had hugged her and told her to call her.

Nikki had helped. 

Chloe was more than glad that Rhys’s friends had accepted her; she saw them once a week, so it would be terrible if they didn’t.  But some of them, like Nikki, were far kinder than Chloe felt she deserved right now. 

Her guilt over wanting to cut her father out of her life was eating at her. 

She tried to reason with herself.  To say she had had a good reason to want him not in her life.  She tried to tell herself that after a few months, she had planned to give him a second chance if he changed his ways.

She tried to tell herself that her rejection of him didn’t somehow lead to his death.  It’s not like he knew that she was going to cut him out and this stressed him until his heart had gone. 

She knew that her relationship with Rhys had stressed her father, but she felt no guilt about that – it was all down to his own prejudices and racism, and that was his problem, not hers, and certainly not Rhys’s.  But she couldn’t help but wonder if she could have handled it all better.  She felt like this was all her fault somehow. 

She tried to reason with herself now, as the priest droned on about God’s love and God’s plan.  Empty words attempting to give comfort to people who are trying to ignore the fact that they have no control whatsoever in this life.  A shield against existentialistic terror. 

She looked around the church and tried to find peace in the priest’s words. 

She had nearly forgotten that her father had been Catholic.  Lapsed Catholic.  Her mother had been Church of England, of course, and had maintained her faith better than her father had.  But in death, Chloe’s father had re-found his faith… or at least her mother had decided he should be buried in a Catholic service.

Chloe stood up again; she didn’t miss this from her youth when both of her parents had tried to introduce her to faith. 

She had eventually gravitated towards the church of England, and still considered herself to be in that faith, albeit she didn’t practice her faith, nor did she really know if she had any faith anymore. 

Rhys didn’t believe in a god.  Most of her friends didn’t.  And Chloe had thought, for a long time, that there probably wasn’t a god… but right now she desperately wanted to believe that there was.  And that He or She or They or It or whatever this god was, was keeping her father safe. 

She looked at Rhys, sitting calmly beside her, his big hand enveloping hers.  She had insisted he come, even though he wasn’t sure if he should.  He wanted to be there for her, but he also wasn’t sure if he’d be welcome.  But Chloe’s mother had embraced him as a son, asked him how his people did funerary rights and then wept without waiting for an answer.  Chloe had gritted her teeth at her mother; she kept treating Rhys like he hadn’t been born in England, like he was somehow so different from every other English person.  But she didn’t say anything, not today.  Tomorrow she’d start saying something again.  She knew Rhys would understand; he always did.

Chloe looked over her shoulder and saw the gang sitting a few rows back, behind all the family, Rae’s eyes were on her and Chloe was grateful that her best friend was keeping an eye on her.  She gave Rae a small smile, got one in return and turned back to the priest who was saying that some friends and family members would now be speaking. 

Chloe watched as her mother got up to say something.  She stood in front of the dais for a moment, an unopened envelope in her hand, her eyes lowered.  Chloe had refused to say anything at the funeral because she knew she’d end up weeping in front of everyone, and she wondered what her mother would say… if she could get through the whole thing without breaking down. 

Her mother opened the envelope, tearing it slightly with her trembling hands.  Then she took out the letter and cleared her throat before approaching the small microphone. 

“This is a letter to my two girls.”  Her voice cracked as she read from the paper.  She looked up at Chloe and Angela, “This was written by your father a few years back when he had a cancer scare we never told you about.  I don’t know what it says, but I figured this was a good time to read it.”  She looked down again and continued to read the note, “When I first met your mother, we were both in university.  And your mother was determined to change the world.  She was going to be a politician.”  Chloe watched her mother wipe away a tear, a sad, reminiscent smile on her face.  “But I had other plans.  I fell instantly in love with her.  Her beauty, her fire, her intelligence.  I wanted to make her my wife.  So of course that’s what I did.  Somehow.  And I destroyed most of what I loved about her by making her stay at home and bear children and clean a house and look after me instead of running for Prime Minister, or something like that.  I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t even know what her political aspirations were.”  Chloe saw her mother’s eyebrows crease.  “Don’t let anyone do this to you.”  Her mother cried, her hand over her mouth.  “I will never be able to tell your mother…”  More tears, “How sorry I am for the crime I committed against her by marrying her, and getting her pregnant.”  She shook her head slightly and sniffed, took a deep breath and continued, “Love is a wonderful comfort in life, but you must never let it get in the way of achieving your goals.  Please refuse to be with a man who won’t let you reach your goals.  You are both capable of doing so much; don’t let a man tell you that because you’re a woman you can’t do it.  You can.  So go out into the world and do it.  I love you both so much, and I’m so proud of both of you, and so glad that your mother did agree to have my children.”  Chloe felt Angie’s arms around her; Angela was sobbing silently.  But Chloe was completely dry eyed again.  She couldn’t imagine how her mother felt reading this letter.  Even in death, her father attributed everything her mother was to himself.  “To my darling wife, I have loved you since the day I first saw you, and your beauty has only grown for every day you’ve graced my life.  Take care of our girls, but make sure you take care of yourself.  I want all three of you to be happy, and to move on with your lives, chasing after your dreams.  I love you all.  Goodbye and good luck from your loving father, love forever from your loving husband.”  She cried.  Angie cried.  There were soft sounds of tears all around her.  But Chloe stared silently at her mother, her anger at her father growing.  “I will never forget this wonderful man.”  Her mother was continuing, “who gave me a far better life than I had planned for myself.”  Appreciative chuckles from the people around her.  Chloe’s brows furrowed in frustration, “And I will forever love him… I don’t know how I’ll get by without him…”

Chloe shifted in her seat as she thought about what her mother had been saying the past few days: her father had been the only source of income for their family.  They were now destitute, broke, they would probably have to sell everything and downgrade their house. 

Chloe still had no idea what was going to happen.  She wasn’t sure if she should move back in and help with the financial situation, or if her mother would just see that as another burden since Angie had just moved back home. 

She squeezed Rhys’s hand and he leaned in to her, his lips near her ear… and as if he had read her thoughts he spoke softly.

“We should talk about you moving in permanently.”  He murmured in a soft voice.  She turned to look at him, “I’ve been wanting you to move in permanently for a while… but I’ve been wanting you to decide your own path.  I just want you to know the option is there for you.  And you can decide whatever’s best for you and I’ll back your choice.”  He squeezed her hand.  It was like he knew what she had needed to feel comforted and safe, and it wasn’t always the most obvious words. 

Chloe felt peaceful, like she was in control and had options. 

“Thanks.”  She said softly, a big sunny smile of appreciation on her face.

And then she burst into tears.

Rhys held her. 

 

 

 

 

‘Tear You Apart’ by She Wants Revenge

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixw_bLVUL34>

_What luck…_

“Ugh I hate December.” 

_Chloe always was a whinger._

“How can you hate December?  It’s Christmas soon!”

_And she’s far too easy.  And redheads are all ugly._

“And let’s not forget the most important thing!  My birthday!” 

_That’s my girl._

_I’ll have to give her a birthday present._

_It’s been too long since I showered her with love._

_But first… what is she doing back in London?_

“I dunno if I’m up to this directing gig.”  Chloe sighed.  “I much preferred acting and snogging Phil.” 

“Well I can understand that.”

_Who is that twerp?  I’ve seen him around my girl too much._

_Their laughter is like nails down a fucking chalkboard._

“Well I preferred directing to acting!”

“As if you don’t love kissing Philly.”

“Sure looks like you do.”

_What is this?  Why is that cunt Finn laughing at Rae kissing Phil?  Is that dickhead there Phil?_

_What the fuck is this?_

_Rae my girl… I’ve been fantasising about gutting Finn and letting his intestines pour all over the floor, and then presenting you with his blood as a gift… we’d roll around on the floor in his blood, fucking and smeared ion his filth._

_Is it 2 boys I have to gut?_

_I don’t care how many of them I have to kill to get to you._

“I were so worried we wouldn’t get to the next round of the competition cos o’ me having to go home.”

“Aye but it turns out the judges like pornographic kisses!”

“Shurrup!”

_Oh Rae, when you’re mine, you won’t have to worry ab out this kind of thing.  I’ll never let any other man touch you – you’re mine._

_I always knew Finn was no kind of real man._

_What kind of man jokes about his girl kissing another man?_

_And what kind of man is okay with kissing another man’s property?_

_It’s sick what they’re doing to you my girl._

_Like what Ian did to Chloe._

_I won’t let them keep slutting you around like this._

_I’ll rescue you.  And make you pure again._

 

 

 

 

‘Come Undone’ by Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F2oEpif-6k>

Rae closed her fingers on his flesh, her nails dragging slowly along his tingling spine.

Finn shivered in delight as he kissed her deeply, his tongue trying to taste every single one of her taste buds. 

She pulled him tighter to herself, their long slow kisses, punctuated by deep lusty breaths, and failed attempts at being silent. 

Rae sighed in bliss as Finn’s mouth travelled down her nick, his teeth gently biting the place where her neck curved into her shoulder, his hand sliding up her stomach to her breast. 

Finn was waiting for her to raise her leg and part her thighs slightly; that was his sign that sex had a green light. 

Rae rolled her head back as he kissed back up her neck, her head fell to the side and her closed eyes opened, only to see Phil’s sleeping form beside them.  His back was to them, and he was breathing deeply.  Beyond him their entire drama class was again sleeping on the floor, the mattresses set up, the blankets shared out, some snoring, others balled up into tiny balls, others still stretched out comfortably. 

But Finn had awoken with a raging desire for her, and Rae had felt his cock pressing into his hip as his hand started to caress her body. 

And now, here they were, kissing deeply, slowly and passionately, her hands under his shirt, his hand on her breast while the other propped himself up so he could lean over her and kiss her. 

And then his mouth was engulfing her, his kisses slow and urgent at the same time. 

Rae knew these kisses well; it meant he was lusting after her, after her body, badly, and he wanted her desperately.  

She tried to think of their classmates sleeping right next to them.

But his kisses, his hands, his smell... it was so east to lose herself in him, in this desire.  It was so easy to want him. 

Rae barely even noticed her leg bending up, her thighs parting, but Finn instantly noticed it and his hand gently stroked her face for a moment before revelling its way down her body to the waistband of her pyjamas, where they slipped underneath them without even the slightest pause, and found her pubic hair.

This was so familiar, his fingers in her hair, then stroking her face as he stared into her eyes as his fingers gently travelled along her labia, skimming her clitoris, teasing it, then rubbing her vaginal opening gently, Rae groaning with a whimper. 

“Sh.”  He said softly, a cheeky, smug smile on his face as he slid 2 fingers inside of her. 

He knew exactly what he was doing to her; he’d done it so many times to her.  He seemed to delight in her having to be quite while he gave her so much pleasure.

Rae knew what was coming before it happened – his thumb started to tap her clitoris.  The first time he’d done this to her, her mother had walked into her room before she’d had chance to cum. 

That hadn’t been a problem in a long while. 

But Rae turned her eyes back to the sleeping forms of their classmates.  Finn gave an almost inaudible chuckle; he was enjoying this. 

She whimpered in pleasure and he gently shushed her again before devouring her mouth again, his mouth hot and silently singing his deep yearning for her. 

Rae’s hand ran up Finn’s forearm, feeling the muscles working as he pleasured her, her legs parted even more and Finn was instantly between her legs, she wrapped her leg around his hip and he moved his fingers faster, his mouth covering hers, muffling her groans. 

She tried to be silent. 

But Finn was grinding into her, and she could feel his hard cock through his tracksuit pants, rubbing against her through her clothes, his fingers coaxing the embers in her lower belly to ignition. 

She arched her back and bit Finn’s bottom lip, licking his lips teasingly when he pulled back to look at her.

“We can’t.”  She whispered.

“We can if you learn to be quite.”  He teased and kissed her as he pushed his fingers into her wet cunt deeper. 

“Finn…”  Her voice began as a firm attempt to rebut his words, but melted like treacle as pleasure seeped through her innards. 

The sounds of her pleasure never failed to undo Finn.  He knelt and tore a hole in the crotch of her pyjamas.

“Finn!”  She hissed at him. 

But his weight was back on her and his fingers where again in her hair, tickling her face, and the other hand was back to warming her up for the main course, while his tongue continued its task of tasting her mouth, her skin…  Finn thought about going down, but realised that that was a little too risky. 

Rae surrendered to the sweetness of his kisses, the bliss of his fingers; she knew she was undone by him.  She could never resist him, even though she knew eventually she’d regret that fact, she had no wish to change it. 

She couldn’t even think straight as she felt his fingers withdraw and felt his knees part her thighs even more, the head of his cock rubbing against her pussy lips through the tear in her pyjamas. 

And the world just fell away as he slid inside of her.

They stared into each other’s eyes and nothing else existed but this electricity between them. 

Rae reached up and touched Finn’s cheek, while her other hand grabbed at his back and pulled him in tighter. 

Finn melded into her and they held each other, tightly pressed together, hips slowly grinding, tongues entwining, lips tingling with the magic of their union. 

They didn’t notice Phil stirring, waking up, hearing their soft groans. 

They didn’t notice Bryn sitting up to see where that noise was coming from, shaking Izzy awake when he saw them…

Rae groaned deeply, and shuddered with orgasm, but their rhythm and intensity remained unchanged.  They stopped kissing only to stare into each other’s eyes…

The entire class was awake, staring agape at them, fucking, making love fully clothed, with such intensity that more than one person their felt a stab of envy...

And then Rae pushed Finn, flipping him over aggressively, so that he lay on his back and she straddled him. 

He laughed smuttily and reached under her shirt to grasp her breasts firmly while she put a hand on his throat and grinded on him, practically purring with pleasure, her body thrumming with power and control.  Her long black hair tumbled down her back and she threw her head back, carefree and focussed on their mutual pleasure. 

Finn ran his hand down her body and gripped her hip firmly, squeezing her flesh and trying to desperately to not cum yet. 

Rae squeezed his neck tightly; an entirely new experience for Finn and he felt a deep grumble of bliss groan through his chest, but cut off at his windpipe; he couldn’t make a noise because of her firm grip.  This was an incredibly sexy game that Finn wanted to explore a lot more.  He liked it when Rae was in control. 

As soon as orgasm rocked Rae’s body, the back of her hand to her mouth where she bit into her own flesh to stop herself from crying out loudly… Finn reversed their roles, rolling them over, slamming her back into the floor as they tumbled off the mattress, Finn now on top of her, her legs wrapped around his waist as he thrust into her quite hard, returning the favour; he knew how his dominance turned her on sometimes. 

She gasped and he put a hand over her mouth. 

“Sh…”  He whispered to her and slammed into her again.  Rae moaned through his hand so Finn put his other hand around her throat and watched her eyes close in bliss as he squeezed slightly harder than usual.  He took his hand off her mouth and reached down to rub her clitoris, his firm grip on her neck silencing her gasps as he fucked her roughly. 

She whimpered breathlessly through another explosive orgasm before Finn slowed his pace and tilted his pelvis into her slow and deep, the hand on her throat releasing its grasp and instead stroking her jaw tenderly as he stared into her eyes before kissing her deeply. 

He came, whimpering through the strength of his orgasm, trying desperately to be quiet, his lips on hers, their arms around each other, their lovemaking tender and passionate…

Rae gave a soft chuckle, looking up at him as he grinned down at her, their eyes filled with love.

Rae was trying to think of a smart-arse quip about what foolishness they’d just done and she rolled her eyes to the side to look at their sleeping classmates… only to see dozens of eyes staring back at her.

“SHIT!”  She said scrambling up, Making Finn have to grab the blankets to cover himself. 

They stared at everyone, silently… until Izzy started to giggle. 

“Holy shit.”  Bryn laughed.

“Fuck off.”  Finn groaned; they would never live this down. 

“No you fuck off!”  Bryn laughed delightedly. 

“Too late!”  Kurt guffawed.

“Fucking hell!”  Kristi said shaking her head, “I’ve read about shit like that on Geocities.” 

“What’s Geocities?”  Stacia asked. 

“It’s an online forum.”  Phil answered then turned to look at Stacia.  “You talking about smutty fanfic?” 

“Fuck yes I am.”  Stacia said.   “I am gonna use that for my star trek fic.”  She said.

“Nerd.”  Bryn laughed.

That started up an argument about who was the bigger nerd, but Rae only watched Phil slowly settle back down to sleep, his eyes never looking at them. 

Finn noticed it too and wondered what Phil was thinking. 

They both worried that Phil was hurting.

The truth was that there was so much desire burning in Phil’s stomach he didn’t think he could look at them and not have it show. 

Rae sighed as everyone chatted and made jokes about the sex they’d just seen, almost all of it tinted with a touch of reverence for the calibre of sex they’d just witnessed. 

Rae’s face was burning, but she knew there was no point trying to run from this, or hide away.  She just had to own it. 

But she shook her head and looked at Finn. 

“Oh I regret never being able to resist you.”  She mumbled and Finn turned to look at her with a cheeky grin.

“I don’t.”  He grabbed her and started to kiss her passionately, everyone else making an uproar about getting a room.

 

 

 

 

‘Aerials’ by System of a Down

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-iepu3EtyE>

Chloe took a deep breath and forced down all the negative emotions welling up in her chest before putting her hand on the door handle.  She didn’t really want to go back ‘home.’  It didn’t feel like home anymore.  Sure, her mother and sister lived here.  But she felt much more at home in Rhys’s apartment.  And yeah, her mother had said she’d always have a home here, and Chloe hadn’t officially moved in with Rhys and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that step in their relationship… But that apartment felt like home now. 

She heard a noise behind her and she jumped and turned to look up the driveway.

Nothing. 

She laughed at herself. 

Ian wouldn’t be coming after her again.  Not now. 

And besides, she knew her mother was at home, so even if he did; he’d have to bring half the lads in Stamford to take her down, and if he did manage to find that many arseholes, her mother was inside and she’d be able to call the police for her.

She turned back to the door breathing easier, her anxiety greatly lessened.

Chloe got out the key to open the door and paused.

She shook her head and instead knocked on the door. 

Her sister opened the door and gave her a perplexed look.  Chloe just shrugged and looked in at her mother.  

She was Looking at a very official piece of paper and crying… sobbing. 

“Oh…”  Chloe tried not to sigh.  Angie had told Chloe that her mother had been crying over all the bills coming in. 

This was bad.  Her father had been the only source of income for this household, and Chloe wasn’t sure if her mother even knew how to hold down a job anymore. 

Angie had been a nurse before moving back home; she was yet to start working again.  And Chloe hadn’t finished her schooling yet, so she hadn’t held down a full time job yet.  She had done some shifts at the gym on the front desk and she’d also done some reception work for Chop; all of her work had been a few days here and there, nothing regular.  She knew she’d have to get a job whether she came back to her supposed home or stayed in her real home. 

“Hey mum.”  Chloe said as she walked in and sat at the dining room table with her mum.  She reached across the table and took her hand.  “It’ll be ok.”  She said in encouragement. 

Her mother looked up and started to laugh.

“She’s lost it…”  Angie whispered.

But their mother shook her head and held out the piece of paper with glee.

“Life insurance!”  She croaked through her tears.  “He’s left us rich.”  

“What?”  Angie said as she crossed the room and snatched the piece of paper from her mother’s hands. 

She stared at the piece of paper while Chloe clasped her mother’s hands.

“We’re gonna be ok!”  Chloe’s mum told her.  “There’s trust funds for you and Angie, there’s money to set me up for life; he’s looking after us even in death.” 

 

***

 

Chloe rubbed her neck and shoulder; she was tight after that training.  Rhys had them working on training specific to rape and choking attacks.  It had been hard work in more than just a physical way.  She had had to fight against her own mind, wanting to return to hazy memories of screaming that she didn’t want what Ian was making her do… but she had been too high to stop him and he’d choked her out easily.  She’d woken up covered in semen, aching and bruised.  That had been her life with him. 

But Rae had been struggling with her, memories of Saul coming back to her, and the 2 of them found solace in each other, and struggled through the training.  And Chloe felt stronger now.  She wanted to do the training again; to really hone her skills, really thump it into her muscles so that she never forgot how to defend herself. 

But after the training she had just wanted to go home.  She didn’t shower or change in the changerooms; Rhys just took her home. 

As soon as they got home, she started to strip off, heading for the shower, feeling safe here.

“So my father left us a small fortune.”  Chloe said, “Trust funds and shit like that.”  She took off her sweaty clothes and tossed them into the laundry basket. 

Rhys gave her a look out of the corner of his eye but remained silent.  He knew that tone of voice; she had things to work out.  He took his clothes off as Chloe turned on the shower, her eyebrows furrowed. 

“Could you use some company in the shower?”  He asked and she nodded distractedly as she got under the water. 

“So mum’s set for life and Ang and I both have enough pounds to buy a decent house…”  She sighed and leaned against the wall in the shower, her eyes vacant and distant. 

“That’s decent of him.”  Rhys ventured gently.

“He was an arsehole.”  Chloe said firmly.  “But…”  She sighed angrily and turned away, leaning her head on the shower wall.  Rhys gently rubbed her back, waiting for her words to come.  “He always looked after us.”  Chloe conceded. 

“Did he?”  Rhys asked in a neutral tone starting to massage her sore shoulder.

“Well financially anyway.”  Chloe answered and turned back to him, taking his hand and kissing his fingertips; thanking him for the short back rub silently.  “He didn’t really give us a lot of his time… or any understanding or support… he didn’t really respect us as our own people.  We were always extensions of him.”  Chloe said softly.  “And yet… He left me this huge chunk of money… It’ll pay me through university and I’ll probably be able to get meself a nice little apartment too.”  She looked up at Rhys, “It helps so much.”  She admitted as if ashamed.

“Some people who are utter arseholes, can still have a good side.”  Rhys comforted her, “And the one inarguably good thing about your father is that he loved you and your sister and your mother.” 

“I s’pose.”  Chloe answered and bit her bottom lip thoughtfully, “But then he treated you like shit.  He didn’t respect our relationship… he was so racist.”  She shook her head.  “He were such a fucking pillock.” 

“And he loved you.”  Rhys answered, “And you loved him.” 

“I were gonna cut him out you know.”  Chloe said, “I’d decided; it were done.  I wanted nothing more to do with him…”  She felt a lump in her throat of deep guilt. 

“It doesn’t change the facts Chloe.  You loved each other; even though you didn’t agree on everything.”  Rhys answered, “I think that’s the main definition of family isn’t it?”  He added.  “It’s not blood that defines a family, it’s love.” 

“I’ve been starting to believe that you chose your family, cos the gang were more like my family than me blood were.”  Chloe said, “And I choose the gang.  I never chose them lot.” 

“I know.”  Rhys said soothingly, “But you still love them.”

“How can I still love him when he’s been such a dick?”  Chloe asked, ashamed.

“Victims of rape, incest, physical and mental abuse often still love their families, even if they’re a victim of them.”  Rhys said gently, “It’s a strong drive in humans to love our families.  No matter what they are.  That love doesn’t always survive abuse or shittiness.  And that’s ok.  But often it does.  Even if we choose to cut them out of our lives.” 

“I wanted to hate him.”  Chloe confessed.

“For me.”  Rhys understood and Chloe nodded and lowered her head in shame.

“I wish I could’ve.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.”  Rhys answered and Chloe looked up at him sadly. 

“You deserve better from me.”  Chloe answered, “I’m not gonna tolerate racism… Not even from me own family.”

“I know.”  Rhys answered.  “You’ve shown me that.”  Rhys told her, “And I’m the one that kept telling you to take it slow and not cut them out of your life too soon – to give them a chance.  So don’t blame yourself for still having contact with them, or for their actions.  Alright?”  Rhys said firmly, “And definitely don’t blame yourself for still loving your family, even if you chose to cut them out.  And don’t blame yourself for choosing to cut them out if that’s what was best for you.  You deserve to be happy and safe.” 

“So do you.”  Chloe answered.

“Yeah we all do.”  Rhys agreed, “But you weren’t the one making the problems Chloe.”  He reminded her, “And you did everything you could to fix them.  I don’t feel like you let me down, ok?” 

“Promise?”  She hated the tone of neediness in her voice.

“Promise.”  He said firmly.  “I love you Miss Chloe.”  He said and stroked her face. 

“I love you.”  She answered, feeling a deep love for him surge through her body.  “So much.”

They kissed passionately, stopping when Chloe started to cry.  “I’m sorry.”  She whispered.

“What for?”

“I’m always doing this to you.”  She sniffed. 

“Crying?”  Rhys asked and shook his head, giving her a warm smile.  “Crying isn’t something you do to me Chloe.  It’s just an expression of how you feel.  And I love you, so I actually care how you feel.  If you need to cry, you cry missy.”  He put his arms around her and she squeezed her arms around his waist as tightly as she could. 

“You too.”  Chloe said.

“Oh I do!”  He laughed.  “I don’t hold back from crying.  I haven’t felt the need much lately.” 

“Good.”  Chloe answered contently.  “You know, I think you go easy on me.” 

“Maybe if you were someone else it’d be different.  But I really think you try your hardest and do everything you can.”  Rhys answered.  “I haven’t seen much of that from many people at all, but least of all from white people, to be honest.” 

“It’s sad, but that doesn’t surprise me.”  Chloe answered, enjoying the safety of his arms, but knowing she had to get on with her shower.  She sighed.  “We better get a move on.  Gotta see all your friends soon!”  She grabbed the soap.

“I’m pretty sure they’re your friends too now.”

“I hope so!”  Chloe answered.  But she did have to admit that it certainly did look like they were her friends too.  And she like that. 

 

***

 

“D’you know what I hate more than rehab Earl?”  He asked as she sat down next to his bed, “Ya boyfriend’s pretty face.” 

“Alright Liam.”  Rae answered, rolling her eyes, “Why this time?”

“No particular reason.”  He grinned around his hospital food. 

“Well you’re looking better.”  She said, “like the rehab’s doing the job.”

“Yeah.”  He said and took another mouthful of food.  Rae noticed that he didn’t try to make conversation easy between them anymore.  She had a feeling that once he was completely done with hospital, they wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore.  And he was already spending some stretches of time in between rehab at home.  Rae knew how emotional it had been for him to finally get to go home for the first time.  And how much it had upset him to know he’d still have to spend some nights in hospital. 

She didn’t know what to say.

He kept eating, letting the silence fester between them.

She looked around the room and saw a box of chocolates.

“Has your sister been again?”

“Nah, those are from Amy.”  He said.

“She’s coming often, is she?”

“Oh aye, always after gossip.”  Liam said, “Gives plenty of it too, she does.”

Rae furrowed her brows.

“Mostly ‘bout you.”  He said, “Apparently you’re fucking half the lads at school nowadays.”  He shovelled food in his face while Rae sighed heavily.  “So I told her about us fucking.”

“Liam!”  Rae was furious at him, “Now she’ll tell the whole school!”

“Just one more notch on your bedpost Earl.”  He answered with a shrug. 

“I can’t talk to you right now.”  Rae said angrily, “If you knew-”

“Yeah whatever Earl.”  He shrugged.  “Stop feeling like you gotta come here.  I don’t need ya sympathy.  I’m fine.” 

“Ok fin.”  Rae said walking to the door, “I’ll stop visiting if that’s what you want.  Tell Chlo if you change ya mind.”  Rae left before he had chance to say anything else.  She was angry and not interested in trying to deal with Liam’s attitude right now. 

She couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like tomorrow when Amy spread this little titbit around the school.

*

But the next day at school, nothing seemed amiss.  No one was gossiping about her, no one was snickering, staring or outright laughing at her.

Rae could only hope that everyone had finally gotten over their obsession with talking shit about her.

But it wasn’t until she was heading out for lunch that she actually understood why her fling with Liam wasn’t making the rounds.

Amy walked up to her before she’d had a chance to escape the classroom. 

Rae rolled her eyes.

“Here it comes.”  She grumbled under her breath. 

“Hey.”  Amy said in a low voice and Rae said nothing.  She simply stared, bracing herself for whatever Amy was going to throw at her.  “I’m sorry.”  She said eventually and Rae was surprised.  She hadn’t expected that, and had no idea how to reply.  “I were being a right bitch… I know it weren’t fair and… I’m not gonna say nothing about you and… ya know.”  She said in a whisper, “I’m not gonna say nothing about you again.  I don’t wanna be a bitch anymore.” 

Rae opened her mouth to reply but Amy was practically running away. 

“What just happened?”  She asked the now empty classroom. 

Rae wasn’t sure if she could trust it, but maybe… just maybe, Amy was sincere. 

 

***

 

‘Naughty Boy’ by The Mavis’s

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sGl631IpLQ>

 

Izzy sat down in the hall, waiting for drama class to start.  She was very early because her last class had been let out early when her teacher had had to leave because he was sick. 

Bryn wandered in and sat down beside her, giving her a happy grin. 

“Looking forward to the holidays?”

“Yeah.”  Izzy answered.  She was aware that they’d been flirting a little too much lately.  So she tried to play it cool.  “You?”

“Going to my cousin’s house in Madrid.”  He said, “He’s a model.  But mum says we look alike.”  He laughed awkwardly.  “You could come too.”  He said.

“Bryn…”

“You’re thinking of going to uni there, so you can check out the place… maybe even rent a room with him when… if you do go to uni in Madrid.”  He explained. 

“Bryn…”  Izzy repeated awkwardly, “You’re very attractive, but I am engaged.”  She decided to be as firm as she could be. 

“So I hear.”  He said with s cheeky grin.

“You gotta stop flirting with me.”  Izzy said slowly.

“You flirt with me.”  Bryn answered in a calm voice – like he’d been expecting this talk. 

“I know but…”

“Look Iz,” Bryn said in a low voice, “it’s a crush, alright?  I’m 16 years old.  I’ve got a crush on a kind, funny and beautiful girl that I’m lucky enough to be friends with, so can talk to her… and flirt a little.”  He explained, “I’m sure in a couple of months I’ll have moved on.  But for now, I’m enjoying this crush.”  He gave her a reassuring smile, “And you don’t have to worry, I’m not gonna turn out to be some fucking creep like me brother.” 

“What?  Mike?”  Izzy asked, confused.  Hot mike had always seemed like a really nice guy. 

“No, Ronan.”  Bryn told her, “Didn’t you hear?  He were charged with stalking and rape.  What a fucking scumbag.”  Bryn shook his head angrily, “Whole family were stunned, except for Mike.”  He half-shrugged. 

"What?”  Izzy was surprised. 

“Yeah, Mike seemed to know he had a history - said he’d been forced to cover for Mike in the past and he’d hated doing it, but it were for her sake.”  He explained, “He won’t say nowt more on it.” 

“I wonder what that’s about.”  Izzy said, thinking of Chop’s sister.

 

***

 

Phil enjoyed the feel of the hot water running over his body. 

He was feeling a lot better than he had in long time. 

His mind wandered over the past few months, thinking about everything he’d seen and done… conversations, moments of unexpected intimacy – both with Rae and even Finn. 

He tried – so hard, not to let his mind wander too much… Because when those images came to his mind, he fel this cock getting hard.  And he really didn’t need that right now.

But he couldn’t help himself.  Things had just been such a frenzy of emotion and intimacy…

He hated himself for wanking over this huge mess.  It felt like some sort of self-harm to pleasure himself to something that was so wrapped up with his own pain.  But there had been so much happiness in the past few months alongside the misery, so much intimacy and sexual tension, and his body could not ignore it. 

 

***

 

Rae had headed out to the shops to pick up some milk; she wanted a bowl of cereal before she did her homework.  And then later on Finn was coming around.  But she had the house to herself for now – it was quiet.  She needed to study now, while her family were out.  But she could not study on an empty stomach. 

She was crossing the road not far from the shops, when she saw Karim, his lollipop sign held up, letting the kids cross the road.  She grinned at how seriously he took the job – how careful he was with the kids – how they thanked him. 

And then she heard it. 

“Fucking towel-head!  GO HOME!” 

Rae turned to see a blond-haired man in his 30s, a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag in his hand – a bottle of booze.  He was a little tipsy, but not blind drunk. 

Karim was looking down, shaking his head.

“No trouble…”  He said in return to the racist man. 

“HEY!”  Rae yelled out, rushing up the road to confront the man.

“Ah look at this fat cow!”  He laughed.  “I heard you sand monkeys like ‘em fat and young!”

“You can back the fuck off, pal!”  Rae said angrily.  He just laughed. 

“Rae, it’s fine-” Karim began to say.

“We don’t want them lot overrunning our country!”

“Looks like you’re standing by yourself there.”  Rae retorted.

“They can take the fat birds with ‘em when they fuck off home!” 

So Rae pushed him.

“Why don’t you fuck off.”

“Rae…”

“Why you taking his fucking side?  He’s a fucking camel-fucker!” 

And she was done with him.  She punched him hard in the throat. 

Rhys had taught her that the face had a lot of bony parts – if your aim was out, you could hurt yourself more than them.  but the throat – well that was soft and easy to hurt. 

He coughed, gasped, grabbed his throat as his face went red.

“RAE!”  Karim sounded stunned. 

“Get the fuck out o’ here.”  She said, “Never say that shit again.”  She pushed him again. 

The man stumbled away from her, coughing and gasping.  And Karim was beside her, his hand on her arm.

“Why did you do that?”

“He was being a dick.”  Rae answered. 

“Yes, but I would not have you harm others.”  Karim said earnestly.

“I’m just using my self-defence classes.”  Rae said with a shrug.  But she felt deflated that Karim was upset. 

“Very impressive,” he admitted honestly, “But I will not have you get into any trouble.” 

“Oh don’t worry about that.”  Rae waved him off, “He was being a dick – he won’t wanna tell anyone what he was doing.  He’s a coward.” 

“I hope you are right and he will not tell the police.”  Karim said, looking to where the man was still walking away. 

“He won’t.”  Rae said simply, “I’m not worried.”  She lied – she was a little worried. 

“I am glad you can defend yourself.”  Karim said, “I must, continue my work.”

“Yeah, I got study to do.”  Rae answered and started to head home with her milk, trying not to think about possible police visits.

When she got to her place Finn was sitting on the front door step. 

“‘ere, what are ya doing here?”  Rae asked, shaking her head.

“I know I said I’d give ya some time to study…” Finn said with cheeky grin, “But I missed ya.”

“Oh right?”  Rae laughed. 

“And I promise I’ll let ya study.”  He vowed, “No distractions.”

“Impossible.”  Rae answered, “You’re a distraction without doing nowt.”  She said as she took her keys out of her pocket.  “Oi, why didn’t you let yourself in?”  She asked.

“Ah…”  Finn pulled a bit of a face.

“What?”  Rae asked, her eyes narrowing, “I gave you a key.” 

She watched him turn his pocket inside out.

“A hole.”  He explained and Rae sighed, looking at the hole in his pocket. 

“So it’s gone?”  She asked, “Better not tell me mum – she’ll be furious at ya.” 

“Yeah…”  Finn scrunched up his eyebrows in concern, “Maybe we should tell her – get the locks changed.”

“Why?”

“What if Saul finds it, and-?”

“He’s not gonna find it, cos he’s gone.”  Rae said firmly, “And anyway, even if someone were to find some random key on the street, there’s no knowing which house it belongs to.”  She reassured him.

“Aye, I s’pose you’re right.”  Finn said reluctantly. 

“Course I am.”  She said, letting them in.

“Now…, how’s about I eat your cunt, girl?”  Finn said, his hand going to her arse the minute they were through the door.

“I thought you said no distractions Finn!”  Rae laughed. 

“Aye, I did!”  Finn said, “So I gotta get rid of this distraction so we can get down to work.”  He said cheekily.  “The thought of going down on ya is driving me to distraction.”  He added for good measure. 

Rae looked down at her milk and then up at Finn.

“Well when you put it like that…”  She said, “It’s almost like a public service.”  She said with a saucy grin. 

“Charity work.”  Finn said, “directly benefiting me in my distress.” 

“I wouldn’t want you to be in distress… or distracted.”  Rae said and Finn grabbed the milk from her hand. 

“Me either.”  He said as he hurried to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.  Rae had barely taken 2 steps before he was back.  “Well we better get to work.”  He said, “relieving Finn’s suffering…”

“Yes I s’pose we better.”  Rae laughed.

“Ya cunt’s not gonna lick itself.”  He added, taking her hand and pulling her towards the stairs. 

 

 

 


End file.
